Bill’s Story as a Cautionary Tale – Bill H.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to meeting 1058 Threads of Recovery. This is an open meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is David and I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is 5-2-2015. Wait, no. I'm so bad at this. 3-2 2015. Sorry. Yeah, alright. All right, and tonight our speaker is Bill. I'm Bill Hillebrand, and I'm an alcoholic. I believe in the old practice of pass the basket early, count, and if there's not enough there, you keep passing it. But that's just me. We're going to talk about the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tonight. We started this series last time with a discussion of the history of why the book was written, yes? There's a hand? No? And we did a little bit of work with the doctor's opinion last week. I'd like you to open your big book, those of you that have them, to Bill's story, which surprisingly enough is page one. Bill being Bill. Oh, but wait! Are you at page one? turn back one page then to the very last page of the doctor's opinion which is on your left hand side if you're in the fourth edition I want to read the very least sentence of the author's opinion this is a doctor writing anonymously until the second edition or at least part way through the first edition because what he had to say in 1939 when this book was written were truly revolutionary ideas and the medical community as far as the disease and the treatment of alcoholism was concerned. And so we see Dr. William D Silcoir's name on there today but that was not there in the first publication in April of 1939 so this is a medical man he's been working with thousands of alcoholics for many many years and he ends his essay with these words I earnestly advise every alcoholic to read this book through and though he perhaps came to scoff he may remain to pray and I was talking to my wife about this the other day I said I can't think of a better way to introduce a discussion of Bill's story because if we have anybody in the history of Alcoholics Anonymous who came to scoff we're gonna see Bill Wilson scoffing the cynic the denial the defiance we're going to see that and by the end of his story on page 16 in this book he not only came to pray he stayed and we're going to experience a little bit of the vision he had and hopefully you know we open this meeting with a prayer we then instead third step prayer and Dustin thank you congratulations I mean we're only ten minutes into the meeting we already prayed twice I hope that doesn't make anyone nervous it's okay you have an outline and there's two sides of the outline there's a little history on the back for those of you that weren't here last week or forgot your copy that's for your information what we're going to talk about tonight is the part of the out line on the other side that says 2020 threads of recovery workshop big books that in the first hundred and sixty four pages session to Bill's story and I'm calling this a cautionary tale for the alcoholic and for Alcoholics Anonymous. And I hope you'll see in the next 30-40 minutes why I call it a cautionery tale, not just for the alcohol but for Alcoholic John, would you hold up your big book please? It has a cover on it and it's a fourth edition. Everybody see that book? Before April 19, thank you John, before April of 1939 that book didn't exist. Before November in December of 1934 when Bill Wilson finally got sober in December of 34 there had been no record of anybody getting sober like Bill Wilson got sober and so what we're talking about tonight Bill's story in and of itself is a very unique story in human history. And the book that Bill primarily wrote, he had people help him, but Bill Wilson was the author of the big book about alcoholic synonymous. The book is like nothing in history and it is so easy for us in alcoholics anonymous as it is in every other part of our life as human beings to take good things for granted it is so easy first to take God's grace for granted it is easy for to not even think about well yeah I I deserve that. Not. We are so blessed to have had people like Bill Wilson and the others we're going to talk about in the next several weeks. We're so blessed to have these people go through what they went through, recognize this is powerful this is special this is unique we need to figure out a way to share this with other people in May 1938 Bill's three and a half years sober Bill Wilson began to write his quote-unquote story at the same time he He began to write the chapter we know today, Chapter 2, there as a solution. His reasons for starting with these two chapters were threefold. Bill, along with Fitz Mayo and Hank Parkhurst were two other fellows that got sober shortly after Bill did in 1935 at the town's hospital in New York. Frank Amos who was part of the Rockefeller crowd, they originally approached trying to raise some money and Frank got so interested in their project even though he wasn't an alcoholic he uh he was kind of in the loop there of course dr bob from akron some others they had become convinced that a book was needed to standardize their message and hasten it spread to alcoholics non-alcoholics this is about three years after bob got sober and the message between akron new york a few other places new jersey a little bit in cleveland perhaps the message was already getting garbled it was inconsistent they had some principles from the oxford group now this will surprise you but alcoholics were taking this and distorting it i know it i mean it wouldn't happen today all of your group consciences sail right through like silk on glass but in those days alcoholics we're very independent very individual and there was no standard message so they realized we got something special if we don't define this if we can write this down it's going to get lost second thing they needed money keep in mind in the beginning they were going to open hospitals hire missionaries and write a a book. And the book was definitely third on a list of two. I mean, alcoholics were going to have a chain of hospitals. You think Mercy is big. Hikers. Missionaries around the world are going to give those Lutherans and those Catholics trouble, I'll tell you. And oh, by the way, we ought to write a book They couldn't get money for the first two as we talked about last time But they needed money just, they needed money to write a book. Here's the most important thing I've found in my research, and by the way you're going to see references on here to a book called Writing the Big Book by W. H. Shawberg I call it WHS in the note, and also AA's book Pass It On, great history. Much of this is accurate much of this accurate This just came out last year. I'm not here to sell this book, but I'm here to tell you the book was written by a rare book collector who came across a copy of the original manuscript and he started researching it to be sure it was genuine. And he got into the research and became fascinated with the big book. And 11 years later, he wrote this book. and he has done research in all the AA archive, the Bill and Lois archive. It's very, very refreshing because it does describe Bill's writing style, which I'll talk about a little bit tonight. But nothing in that book disputes the fact that the big book is one of the greatest books in history. And one of things Shawberg points out, I think better than anybody who's ever written, is Bill Wilson had a vision, a big vision. he understood that he kind of had what people say today he caught lightning in a bottle. He had a vision more than all the rest of them put together. His own seemingly miraculous spiritual awakening which we'll see in his story tonight that happened in the winter of 34 Bill had been trying to find a way for four years to share this experience with other alcoholics for their benefit so they too could experience and enjoy the benefits of their own spiritual awakening. We've got 40 or 50 folks here tonight. There are 40 or50 individual spiritual awakenings sitting in the room right now. Let me tell you, AA, Al-Anon, Alateen, Aladog, Alacat, whatever program you're in, if you're sitting in a meeting, a 12-step program, whether you like it or not, you're having a spiritual experience. it's part of your spiritual awakening don't leave ma'am members of New York had broken away from the Oxford group by April 37 without the Oxford Group structure meetings fellowship prayer meditation and network of people to make new contacts in New York folks were adrift with no consistency to their message of recovery out in Akron they were still pretty much following me Oxford group principles. So Bill began to write. His first attempt was titled A Strange Obsession. It was pretty bad writing but it had a lot of immediacy, vitality and anonymity. Bill never wrote a book. He had no experience in writing the book. His second attempt was title The Original Story. He got to 12,000 words and stopped, and by then he was barely sober. And he had Hank, his buddy Hank who got sober in September of 35. He and Hank had agreed stories need to be about 5,000 words. A couple things in the second try though, that original story. It already included a practical workable 24-hour day design for living in that version it was outlined in four rather expansive so called steps also this is in May of 38 bill was already using the phrase God as I understand him there's a lot of mythology in Alcoholics Anonymous about who came up with the phrase. It emerged probably from the Oxford group and others, but we know for a fact in the drafts of this second version of his story he's already using the phrase God is our understanding. Anyway by June he's writing his third attempt to tell Bill's story it came out about 5 000 word it met their goal for the length the story what i'm going to do now is go through this outline sort of page by page those of you that have a book we're going to use them if you have a highlighter an underliner by the way the bank the big book is a very special text it's not a sacred text it okay to write it's okay to highlight it's ok to underline it's OK to make margin notes in your big book Bill's story is a template for every other story in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's the model, it's the framework, it sets the template for every other storey in Alcoholic Anonymous Look at page 58 of your book for a minute. You've all heard how it works. middle of the page this is chapter 5 page 58 in the big book our stories disclose our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like what happened and what we are like now if you've decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it then you're ready to take certain steps please, please, Please when you're reading this, you're talking about it, don't say, don't say our stories disclose in a general way what it used to be like. It hasn't changed. It hasn'T changed for 5,000 years. It ain'T gonna change. If we're here to change it, we're screwed. This is about what we used to be like what happened and what we are like now. Second thing, the what happened is we're going to see dramatically in Bill's story is not simply that he quit drinking. That's not the what happen. The what happened is found a relationship with a power greater than himself that could solve his problem. So his story is a template I break the story down into six parts, and the first three are kind of what we used to be like. The first nine pages of Bill's story, what we're used to being like. The first part is self-will, self-reliance. That's the answer. Alcohol is Bill's friend. And if you look at page one, he starts off, war fever ran high in the New England town. You go down the page, about line six or seven, he says, I discovered liquor. He forgot the strong warnings and the prejudices of his people, his family. Bill was 22. Never had a drink. and then he got sent over to England during the end of the First World War and again turned to alcohol. That was 1918. We happen to know where he took his first drink and this fellow that wrote the writing of the big book even says what he had, kind of a New England cocktail, terrible sounding drink, but I guess if that's all they had, that's what you drink, right? And Bill describes why he took his first drink. He felt uncomfortable with all these social people he was with in uniform before he'd been shipped overseas. He took his First Drink to fit in. I relate to Bill Wilson. We landed at England, and we hear the story about the Winchester Cathedral. I'm going to talk more about that when we get to page 12. Ominous warning which I failed to heed. You see that right there? He's 22 or 23, he's home from the war. So we got three-fourths of a page in the first 23 years of Bill's life. He doesn't bore us or distract us with the fact that his parents got divorced, his girlfriend died when he was a senior in high school and all the other stuff he could have told us about. He's a veteran. He went home. Notice I fancied myself a leader. I translate to, I can handle this. I can fix this. I can straighten them out. If I talk long enough, enough I can outlast him if I can't out think them they'll follow me they'll do things my way thing is bill did have a gift for leadership it's runs through his whole story my talent for leadership I imagined this is important we're gonna be in the imaginary world of the alcoholic mind of Bill Wilson for the next several pages I imagine would place me at the head of ass enterprises which I would manage with the utmost assurance." This is part one. Alcohol has become his friend. He took a night law course, page two. He went to work as an investigator which was rare in those days. We know all kinds of people investigate stocks and companies and whatnot today but this wasn't going on in the 20s. Bill had a drive for success he would prove to the world that he was important maybe this doesn't relate with any of you but boy do I resonate with this story now he also studied electrical engineering he actually met Thomas Edison during this time he went to check out his operation Edison offered him a job so Bill was no slouch he was no slacker however later there in the first paragraph on page two nearly failed my law course at one of the finals I was too drunk to think or write yeah yeah but then he would have long talks with Lois he's been married now for a couple years men of genius conceived their best projects when drunk it's okay ladies you can raise your hand too well by the time he He completed the course, of course, being an alcoholic. Okay, I finished it. That's not what I want to do. The law is not for me. He went to work on Wall Street as an investigator. He was actually very good. He'd get people to talk to him. He'd go inside the company, go look at the factory, look at inventory sheets. He could read a balance sheet. He could an income statement. He knew who was doing well and who wasn't. Out of this alloy of drinking speculation, I commenced to forge the weapon that would one day turn in its and it's like a boomerang and all the cup-meter ribbons. When he was a kid, his grandfather told him up in Vermont, nobody can make a boomERANG but an aborigine, a native Australian. Well, tell Bill you can't do it. Tell an alcoholic they can't do something, Barbara. He made a boomering that came back and almost decapitated his grandfather, I think. By golly, that thing worked. So he and Lois saved some money and they couldn't get people to pay them to go on the road, so they got their motorcycle with their sidecar and they head out over New York down to Pennsylvania all the way down to Fort Myers, Florida. By now it's April 1925. He's 29 years old. He's been married seven years. And notice at the bottom of page two, I discovered many more reasons later on why people lost money in stocks. Bill was buying stocks on margin. Put down $10, buy $1,000 worth of stock, which is great if they go up. You lose everything if they don't. Page three, they make this trip through the eastern United States. The exercise of an option brought in more money, leaving us with a profit of several thousand dollars for the year. He had gone to work for a guy named Frank Shaw, who was with J.K. Rice & Company, a big investment outfit, very reputable. The year was 1926. Notice this, for the next few years, fortune threw money and applause my way. I had arrived. Remember those days? Remember arriving? My judgment and ideas were followed by many. The great boom in the late 20s was seething. Drink was taking an important and exhilarating part of my life. Alcohol was Bill's friend. Notice, scoffers could scoff and be damned. See, Bill's looking at the other scoffer. He's not paying attention to the scoffor. The doctor's opinion he's talking about. Bill's scoffing at the scuffers. I made a host affair with her friends. Please draw a big heavy line under that paragraph because that's the end of part one now Bill's attempts to succeed on self-reliance will continue however his friend alcohol is going to really start turning on it my drinking by the way one of Bill's writing styles is to be the master of understatement when he's talking about himself we'll find out in later chapters he's also a master of understatement talking about alcoholics in general sometimes and this is one of them he had already started telling Frank Shaw that he had quit drinking by now he's starting to lie to Lois about his drinking and then I'm gonna quit so when he says the remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row and I became a lone wolf. Frank Shaw let go of him in 1929, early 29 before the crash. Nobody would have anything to do with the Wall Street wonder Bill Wilson anymore. Bill puts a nice dramatic romantic touch on it. I became alone wolf yeah that's because nobody would have anything to do with him. I love this. There were many unhappy scenes in our sumptuous apartment. He was making money hand over fist. They bought a nice two-bedroom apartment, wasn't enough room, bought the one next door, knocked the wall out. Now he's got four bedrooms, two living rooms, two kitchens, which is about right for an alcoholic on the way up. If one is good, two is better. Are we into more? Are we here? Are we with this more thing? All right. in 1929 I contracted golf fever well that's one way to look at it notice the line on the bottom of page three liquor caught up with me much faster than I came up behind Walter Hagen for those of you that don't know Walter Hagan was a a very successful golfer in the 1920s. Golf permitted drinking every day and night, page three, page four, what could be wrong with that? Notice this on the page four. The local banker watched me whirl fat checks in and out of his till with amused skepticism. Bill's view, Bill's memory is the banker was amused. I suspect the banker was more suspicious, but that's just me. Okay, it's October 29th, stock market crashes. The XYZ 32 was a company named Pennick and Ford that Bill had researched. They were corn products company and after the crash they did come back strong. Trouble is it went from 52 to 32 and Bill was on margin, and he lost everything. When Bill says down later on he was in debt, he was $60,000 in debt which is equivalent to over 900,000 today. Now picture, Bill's the equivalent of day of $900,000 dollars in debt and his wife is working at Macy's for 19 bucks a week. That's, I mean that almost sounds like a bottom at least financially. That sounds like a financial bottom to me. But the top of page five, Bill's view is liquor ceased to be a luxury and became a necessity. This man is as bad off financially as any of us have ever been, worse than most of us have ever Been. His problem is liquor has become a necessity, that gin, so on and so forth. He'd run those tabs at the gin mills, go down at the deli, the delicatessen, he'd pay a little bit, get some more to drink. look at this end of the first paragraph on page 5 I still thought I could control the situation I do that today being sober does not cure me of thinking I can control situations over which I have no control that I can work my way out of the trouble I somehow found myself in again And by this time, when he did have periods of sobriety, Lois has hope. He doesn't talk about his hope. Master of understatement. Gradually things got worse. The house was taken over by a mortgage holder. My mother-in-law died, that's Lois' mom died on Christmas Day, 1930, of bone cancer. Can you imagine what the radium treatment was in the 30s for bone cancer? Bill drank for the week before and the week after. He was drunk the whole time she was dying, died in a funeral. That was Bill's contribution to the family. I'd say gradually things got worse. Plus his father-in-law and his wife got ill. I think that's a precursor of their need for Al-Anon. He's going to come back, though. He's gonna come back. He's got to get it all back. Got a promising opportunity. Stocks were at the low point of 32. He formed a group to buy. He put some money in. They had a deal. They had big deal. You can read about it in the history. But the contract he signed was if you drink, you're out. And he drank and he was out. lose the opportunity, he lost everything he'd invested. We get to chapter 2 and we see the definition of the real alcoholic and we talk about the insanity that precedes the first drink. We've got the insanity that precedes at the first print running throughout this part of Bill's story. I woke up he says on page five this had to be stopped I saw I could not take so much as one drink I was through forever right anybody ever wake up that way anybody ever hear an alcoholic say that out loud this is 1930 new 32 he'd been telling Lois and he was even telling old Frank back in 1927 that's it I'm done I quit we're five years into that dance shortly afterward I came home drunk eating alcoholic there had been no fight words in my high resolve now look at the third line from the bottom of page 5 5 was I crazy I began to wonder well there you see the beginning of the insanity that precedes the first drink renewing my resolve I tried again and And drank. Second paragraph, page six. The remorse, horror, and hopelessness of the next morning are unforgettable. Keep in mind, Bill's writing this six years after this happened. And I know how Bill felt, because my emotional memory today, for me, of those mornings after, particularly after I've realized I really need to figure out a way to stop, and I couldn't, it's hard. By the way, I didn't mention we're in section three of our outline, alcohol and charge, repeated attempts to manage alcohol with self-control failed. That happened before his mom-in-law died. And we get to the middle of page six, mental fog. Gin would fix that, hair of the dog. Now he's drinking for oblivion, middle of Page Six. Here's this kind of step back from the scene observation that Bill does from time to time. The mind and body, this is like a voiceover. We're not in Bill's story, we're in somebody observing Bill's Story. at these next two sentences the mind and body are marvelous mechanisms it's like bill's a lab rat they're watching him mine endured this agony for two more years by now he's going into 1933 1934 going from the new york up into new england dr leonard strong is bill's brother-in-law lois's brother, he's helping him out. Page 7, autumn 1933, Bill goes to Towns Hospital for the first time, meets what he calls a kind doctor, that's Dr. Silkworth and here Bill does a little essay in the middle of page seven, it relieved me somewhat to learn that in alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor though it often remains strong in other respects my incredible behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was explained understanding myself now self-knowledge self knowledge I fared forth in high hope for three or four months the goose hung high and that means times are good but I went to town regularly, even made a little money. Surely this was the answer, self-knowledge. I hear people groaning. Surprise, surprise, but it was not. He went back to the hospital early summer of 34. You can read page 8. And one thing Bill does when he writes, and we're going to see this throughout the big book, So there's lots of episodes that he compresses or conflates into one or two or three circumstances or examples. But there's no doubt, he comes out of the hospital in November of 34 in the middle of page 8, trembling I stepped from the hospital a broken man, fear sobered me for a bit. Then came November 11th, 1934, Armistice Day, and he was off again. Bottom of page eight. By the way, Bill Wilson should have been dead several times. He'd drink all his money up, crawl under the gate to get on the subway to find his way back to Brooklyn. People found him on the street, bring him home. Guy should have Been Dead many times. At the end of November, he's drinking in his kitchen. We've heard this story. Keep in mind, he has learned there on page seven, he has the beginnings of step one. He understands the problem. He's an alcoholic. He can't not take the first drink once his mind says we've got to take a drink. So, Ebby comes to see his friend. Not just an old drinking buddy, he and Ebby went to school together. First italics in the big book, page nine, he was sober. First italic's in the Big Book, except for the table of contents. Now that episode in the kitchen probably took place over several hours. Lois and another gal were there, they came and went. But the story that's important to tell is how Bill began to find a relationship with a prior grader than himself that could restore him to sanity. That's the story he wants to tell, so he takes a lot of the details and kind of compresses them into this neat little tale. And Ebby did talk to him that night, and Ebby didn't bring him the message from the Oxford group, and then we did tell him I got sober. So if you draw a line under the paragraph near the bottom of page 9, besides my gin would last longer than his preaching. The next part is the beginning of part 4. What happened? Two things are going to happen. Ebi's going to bring him the message. And Bill's goingto begin to receive it. And this should be a good reminder for all of us doing 12-step work. There's two parts to the beginning of anybody's spiritual awakening. First part is somebody brings it to us. Second part is if we're ready and willing and able to receive it. And as we're going to see, Bill wasn't quite ready to receive it yet. Ebi kept bringing it to him, thank God. Bill's gin, even though Ebi was sober, which was kind of miraculous, Bill's chin at this moment is still important to him. More important to him. But he did no ranting. We're going to find that in the chapter Working with Others. You don't talk down to an alcoholic, but you really don't talk down anybody. All Ebby did was share in a matter-of-fact way about his experience with the guys that came to get him from the Oxford group. One of those guys was a man named Roland Hazard. We're gonna see his story next time in the There is a Solution discussion. He called it a simple religious idea and a practical program of action. Look at the bottom of page 9, top of page 10. He had come to pass his experience along to me if I would have it. Two parts to the 12-step call. Pass it along? Either God's made him ready to receive or he hasn't. Bill says when he's writing this in June of 1938 looking back to the fall of 34 certainly I was interested, I had to be for I was hopeless at the time maybe not so much he says Ebi talked for hours, they actually went for a walk Bill walked him to the train I think he had to give Ebi money to get on the train Now, look at this. The wartime day in old Winchester Cathedral came back and then Bill does a little essay from the middle of page 10 to the middle of page 11. There is this insert essay right in the middleof the story about Ebi where Bill reflects on his, at this time 39 years of experience struggling with religion, essentially. Struggling with the idea of a God who is in charge or a higher power that knows what's going on. And we're going to see in the chapter to the agnostic more of this autobiographical experience of Bill's because he writes things like there is a solution, more about alcoholism chapter to the agnostic from his heart those chapters are filled with information about other people by then they're filled with the experience of somewhere as sixty or seventy alcoholics but the core running through all of this is Bill Wilson's own struggle with the notion of needing health and receiving help and figuring out how to get help from a power greater than himself. You get to the middle of page 11, but my friend sat before me and made the point blank declaration that God had done for him what he could not do for himself. That was a pretty good line in the Oxford group so it's highly likely that Ebby actually said something like that. So now Bill's beginning to think a little bit. Bill's step one begins really two thirds of the way down on page 11. Obviously the power had not originated in him. There had been no more power in him than there was in me at that minute and that was none at all. That floored me. The scoffer is beginning to stop scoffing. Here was something at work in a human heart which was done the impossible. Keep in mind, the big book is trying to describe the indescribable. Have you ever tried to explain your personal spiritual awakening to somebody? Hopefully, you're not as hard-headed as I was. They nod just like that. They are sympathetic and even enthusiastic as they put their hand on their wallet and back slowly out of the room. You're describing the undescribable? Well, they went ahead and wrote it anyway. They went ahead and wrote her anyway. So on page 12, we're getting to part 5 now, Ebi has brought the message. Top of page 12. He was on different footing. His roots grasped new soil. Skip the next four paragraphs. Go down to, Thus was I convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want him enough. The four paragraphs I told you to skip were not in the original story. They were not even in the story when the 300 manuscript copies were printed. One of which we got a copy up here. They didn't put those four paragraphs in until almost the day before the book went to the printer. Look at these four paragraphs. Despite the living example of my friend, there remained in me the vestiges of my old prejudice. The word God still aroused a certain antipathy. When the thought was expressed there might be a God personal to me, this feeling was intensified. I didn't like the idea I could go for such conceptions as creative intelligence universal mind or spirit of nature but I resisted the thought of Azar the heavens however loving his sway may be I have since talked with scores of men and women who felt that way we don't We don't like authority, ladies and gentlemen. We just don't want authority. My friend suggested then what seemed a novel idea. Joe and Charlie used to call this squiggly print. Why don't you choose your own conception of God? debt for granted today. That was an astonishing idea. Doesn't say you can't believe in religion, doesn't say we can't have a religious God, but it opens the door. It opens the door for everybody to at least come in. That statement hit me hard it melted the icy intellectual mountain i stood in the sunlight at last we're going to see this sunlight metaphor used again particularly in the resentment inventory in chapter five where he says we're blocking ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit and by then he's capitalizing yes i might build what i saw in my friend would i have it of course i would bill is developing hope in spite of himself, which is what happens to every one of us when we come in and stick around for the first few meetings or come back for 30 years. Bill's starting to have hope come over him. He's begun his spiritual awakening. Bottom of page, somewhere along in page 12, Bill really begins to have a spiritual awakening way before the famous white light experience on page 14 and then he refers back to the significance of experience in the cathedral read your history because the full story of the Cathedral experience is much more dramatic and much more fulfilling than what we have in the big book nothing wrong with what we have in the big book. But Bill recognized back then that when times are fearful, when he's afraid, he was willing to be in touch with a higher power and then things block it out. And that's our struggle in recovery. All of us struggle with keeping that connection open. Top of page 13 at the hospital I I was separated from alcohol for the last time. That was December 11th, 1934. Here's another fabulous understatement. Treatment seemed wise. He's drinking two quarts of gin a day plus whatever else he could get his hands on. Remember The Wizard of Oz? Remember the scarecrow? Bill Wilson makes the scare crow look like a jock. I'm a scarecrow. Further down, page 13, I've not had a drink since. This isn't about not drinking. He does a page on page 12 of the beginning of his spiritual awakening. He has two short sentences on page 13. I'm not drinking anymore. You've got to not drink to get it. But alcoholics synonymous is not about not drinking. Abby came back, my schoolmate, fully acquainted him with my problems. As we read on down through page 13, we see the beginnings of steps 3 and 4. Ruthlessly faced my sins, became willing to have my newfound friend take them away. I have not had a drink since 6 and 7. Fully acquainted him with my problem Step 5, made a list of people I'd hurt, expressed my willingness to approach them. Step 8 and 9, Bill's writing this in June of 38. He didn't write Chapter 5 until December. He didn'T codify the 12 steps until December 38. the 12 steps, the framework the content of almost all the 12 steps is in Bill's story he had not read William James yet where he got the varieties of religious experience and really hammered in on steps 1, 2, and 3 he had not met the Episcopal priest Sam Shoemaker who was the Oxford group head dog in New York you surely hadn't met Father Dowling from St. Louis he didn't meet him until 1940 you think this book's not inspired timing matters in stories in the narrative timing matters he's writing this about what he began to experience in the hospital in 1934 goes on step 11 I was test my thinking with the new God consciousness. And then the beginning of step 12 at the bottom of 13, my friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my creator. Having had a spiritual awakening is the result of these steps. Conscious contact with a power greater than myself, step 11. Top of page 14, simple but not easy. Perhaps the single most powerful use of four words in the big book. Simple but not easy. A price had to be paid that meant destruction and self-centeredness. One could argue that the rest of the big book from page 14 to page 164 and repeated over and over in all the stories in the back of the book are to show us how to obviously you don't destroy self-centeredness but you temper it you dial it back so self is no longer the higher power God is the higher power we learn to temper self-centeredness and even sometimes approach normal human beings I know it's hard to believe he does acknowledge their revolutionary and drastic proposals you move on down page 14 he says to the doctor something's happened doctor says yes it has i don't know for sure but whatever it is you need to hold on to it because you're a lot better than you were bottom of page 14 phase 6 in our outline bill realizes he must try to work with another alcoholic and demonstrate these principles all those affairs he says my friend that emphasizes the absolute necessity of demonstrating his principles in all my affairs. It was imperative to work with others. The Oxford group had a principle of going out and helping others to help yourself grow spiritually. That's where AA got it, but boy we sure have expanded on it. Look at here, faith without works was dead. You're going to see that show up again, again, and again. Faith without works is dead. And look at the wording, bottom of page 14, top of page 15. If an alcoholic, doesn't say a newcomer, doesn't stay until you have 24 years and you don't have to worry about it. If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. He does not mean we become perfect. He's talking about perfect in the sense of chemistry. You perfect the equation or you perfect the formula. You make it as good as it can be. And enlarge his spiritual life. That's what we're here tonight for. He goes through page 15. He talks about, I soon found, middle of page 15, I soonfound that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. Sounds like step 12 to me. He goes on in that paragraph, say it's a design for living that works in rough going. He then talks about the beginning of the fellowship, the beginning and what became the fellowship. see this is what we are like now we're sober we're taking steps on a daily basis to enlarge our spiritual life and we're trying to carry this message to other people A. to help us stay sober B. because God says so because they need help that's it this thing is not complicated this is complicated this space between my ears is very complicated. Just ask it. Oh my God, things are tough. Things are really tough up here. How you doing? Oh, how much time have you got? I'll tell you. Lord have mercy. Page 16. Page 16 An alcoholic and his cups. That's 1930s for Trump. An alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature. Our struggles with them are variously strenuous, comic and tragic. One poor chap committed suicide in their home there in Brooklyn. He could not or would not see our way of life. Paragraph There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all. We laugh at stuff, ladies and gentlemen, that other people do not think. My sister-in-law came to one of our A.A. Al-Anon parties a few years ago, 40 people there, and she's wonderful. She's a loving, loving, and loving woman and she was smiling and nodding and just nice as can be all night and everybody left. She and I, Tina are sitting there, she says you know says my sister-in-law you have interesting friends I suppose some would be shocked at our seeming worldliness and levity but just underneath there is deadly earnestness faith has to work 24 hours a day in and through us or we perish now this little paragraph really is the beginning of the final chapter in the first hundred and sixty four pages a vision for you bill did not know that when he wrote this but that's where it worked out this little paragraph was what's going to grow and become a vision for you most of us feel we need look no further for utopia we have it with us right here and now each day one day at a time each day my friends simple talk in our kitchen multiplies itself in a widening circle of peace on earth and goodwill toward men I'm going to close with this it's a quote from the writing a big book, essay or book. Bill's story written three and a half years after Evie's visit is not meant to be an accurate presentation of historical facts. The story is a reflection of the message Bill was trying to pass along of how he got sober and hold out the hope and the promise of sobriety to others. and as we say at the bottom of our outline ladies and gentlemen this is our message today our message will become hopelessly garbled and distorted if we don't put it down in writing a book is absolutely essential for our survival. Thank you. Thank you.