Big Book Workshop – Judy L. – New England Weekend – 2020

Hello. My name is Kathleen, and I am an alcoholic. Welcome to the breakout session called 12 Steps, 12 Traditions, and 12 Concepts, Living the AA Triangle with Judy L. from Westminster, Colorado. Okay. And I'm going to say one more thing. This session is going to run for 45 minutes. The format is for the facilitator, Judy, to share her experience for 15 to 20 minutes on the topic. We're giving a little extra time for this topic because it's so big. And then we will open it up for you all to share your experience or ask questions, and everyone is encouraged to participate at that time. So please join me in welcoming Judy L. You can unmute yourself. Hi, everybody. A big Colorado welcome from here. And I guess this is the closest I'll be to the colors of fall in New England. So I've got a picture of it somewhere. So thanks for that. I appreciate seeing friends and folks I've known here and there. As Kathleen said, this is a really big topic. Thank you. little intimidated by trying to do it all in 15 minutes, but I'll still try to yak at you for 15 minutes and see how far we can get. First of all, I want to say a big thank you to the committee and thank you to all the hands that helped put this kind of thing on, because let me tell you, it's a lot of work and it's a lot of effort and everybody's hearts are in that. So thank you so much for your hard work on bringing this kind of a message. The speakers have been great. I've really enjoyed it. So one of the questions about all of this is, you know, concepts. Is anybody here? Just wave at me. I can't see everybody, but if you're new, if you're new enough not to have any idea, thanks Kathleen, if you're new enough not to have any idea what concepts even are, nor did you ever want to know, you know, there's that. It's the go-to-bed talk. Pick up your book. I've got one, the service manual. Some of us say that's bedtime sleeping material. There's traditions we hear about, and then there's steps probably most of you have already done. So what I'm going to try to do is a very quick overview and overlap of all those things, but since I'm not very quick at anything, I'm going to leave you with a lot that we don't get to say as well. So there's lots more than anything I can say in our books. If you're new to this and you can take away one idea that's about any of this, I will figure it's a success. You've all heard that idea that there's 36 principles, 12 traditions, 12 steps, 12 concepts. And everybody, if you could name three principles, most of us would go, what? What? So let's start real quick. You know that 12 steps enter your life when you start to get sober. And 12 steps, 12 traditions enter your life, even though you're not aware of it for a really long time. A lot of what I'm going to say is Judy's opinion, by the way, because it's my 15 minutes. So you get to have that. Over time, when we work the steps, our actions change as our awareness grows, and we all become open to larger spiritual principles. So if we just deal with these 36 today and think about the steps were there to help us get sober, the 12 traditions came around thinking that that would help our groups figure out how to stay alive and not, you know, basically do homicide to each other. And our concepts came along basically as a guide to how we do our business. So I want to tell you, it is my opinion that this is my idea. It's up for consideration. You don't even have to agree with me. The first step in our set of 12 is essential. If you don't get powerlessness over alcohol, you aren't going to do much of the rest of the steps, and you won't get better either. The first step is essential. The 12 step, others have said it better than I, that not only do you have to do the 12 step in order to, you know, in order to keep it, we like to say that you have to give it away to keep it. But I, you know, other people say this as well. You have to give it away to get it. So what happens between one and 12 is the process by which we get to become a different kind of member, a different kind of person in Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't think the 12 step is service. I don't think it's the 12 step. I don't think it's the 12 step. I don't think it's I think the 12 step is life-giving, life-saving, and the outgrowth. It is the work of Alcoholics Anonymous. So we encourage people into service right away. Excuse me. We have really terrible air here with a lot of fires out west. So we get a person who's new. We try to give them a hook, a reason to show up until they can begin to grow. You know, they've just stopped drinking. They haven't got a life like some of you are aware of. You know, and the point is, if I can't stand to be sober, if I'm miserable, I'm not going to stay sober. I'm not talking about life circumstances here. People die, people leave, we lose a job, that kind of thing. That's not the misery I'm talking about. Alcoholics who don't work a program have existence pain. We have the pain of us. The separation from the God of our understanding. We need the power of the program to deal and endure what life brings to us. So in between, those are the steps that we work out the kinks so we can repair the damage to ourselves and others. We can become aware of, well, you know, what kind of fools we all were. And we can begin to look the world in the eye without fear. We can live in peace. If you're with me so far. The 12 traditions are similar. The first one talks about our need for unity. And the last one shows us how to practice in the world. And in between are all the expressions of this. So I'm going to quote just a little bit. When Bill wrote the AA Comes of Age, which is what I'm quoting from, says, for the sake of the welfare of our society, the traditions ask that every individual and every group and every area in AA shall lay aside their desires, ambitions, and actions that would bring serious division among us. Or lose for us the confidence of the world at large. Bill here is trying to protect AA from the alcoholic ego. This is about sacrifice, the sacrificial character of our life together. So that's one. The next 12 traditions tells us all the ways in which we can destroy our unity. By personal acts of pride, by personal selfishness and self-centeredness. Pay attention to the controversies and personal opinions, you know, personal acts of pride. I want you to know that I have lots of opinions. Everybody who knows me knows I'm really opinionated. But I don't believe in creating barriers to society. I don't believe in creating barriers to society. I don't believe in creating barriers to society. I don't believe in creating barriers to society. I don't believe in to sobriety. So I don't wear stickers on my car. I don't want any wedge to sponsorship. My car doesn't have tags on it, bumper stickers, organizations, because they simply don't matter in terms of sponsorship and getting sober. They just don't matter. What's important is that I have no barriers between you and me so that we can reach an understanding about the one purpose we have together, which is alcoholism. So I ask you to consider what different choices you might make if you believe that our personal recovery depends upon a unity. Then take that same thought and apply it to your family. What choices would you make differently if the unity of your family matters? Okay. And then take it to your group. What controversies, what issues, what pride do you bring to your group? If it creates disunity, is that what we're doing here? So take the same thinking and you can even take it into your workplace. What if my goal was to help build greater unity and a more successful workplace? I'm the world's worst employee. I have to work for myself most of the time. My ego gets involved. And I've done this enough to know that I had trouble putting the unity of my workplace first. So what different actions and decisions would I commit to if I think about my responsibility to the unity of those important things in my life? Family. My family group matters. Sometimes it's a little family group, but actually I have a big family group. My group in AA, it's a small group. It's a small group. It's a big group. It's a big group. It's a big group. It's a big group. It's a small little group, but there's the big group of AA. My workplace. There's a small little job that I do, but there's a larger amount of work if unity matters. So I think the first tradition is like the most important one that affects all of my life. Usually in my own whiny two-year-old way, I'm going, but what about me? So the traditions talk about all the things that, that self enters into, how to be non-self promoting, how to become self-supporting is a biggie. They don't mean just financially. I think that's where he started, but am I self-supporting emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually in my home and in my family at my work? Or have I taken my dependencies and fears? Just like steps four through nine, we take our dependencies and our fears. We take our dependencies and our fears. We take our dependencies and our fears. And we come to a different place with them. And we begin to get a sense of lessening them by dealing with them, by facing them with them as we've been hearing. It's a natural connection between the traditions and steps four through nine. We're dependent people by nature. And we always struggle between our need for security over here and our desire for independence over here. And we kind of do pushing and pulling between those two. And sometimes we create a lot of chaos in between. Traditions eight through 11 include giving responsibility to the appropriate people, putting the welfare of AA above my opinions, my desires for publicity, my need for importance. And it afflicts all of us. It afflicts everyone. I've never known anybody who didn't think their job was probably the most important one where they work, by the way. This place wouldn't exist without me. How about in my family? How would this family do without me? What if the welfare of the family as a whole is more important than my opinions? And we finally get to the 12th tradition and it asks for humility enough to set aside my pride, my anger, and my fear. You know, I don't know about you, but it's really hard for me to set aside anger. I get a lot of juice out of anger and I really have to kind of be walked back down the mountain when I'm there because I feel so alive I feel zinged when I'm angry and what's behind that is it overwhelms the fear that each one of us perhaps has maybe it's just me but there's fear underneath all of that and when I'm angry I feel like I do with a drink powerful I can deal with this because I'm angrier than you so it asks for enough humility to set those things aside my ownership of my pride my ownership of my anger and even my ownership of my fear so that we can aim ourselves towards a true brotherhood a true harmony and love and become one with other people we have clear insight we practice some right practices and that's why the 12th tradition is called our spiritual foundation what is that spiritual principle humility it's not about anonymity god knows that is not the issue it's about I'm not dr mrs somebody I'm not my job I'm not my age who am I if I get rid of all those markers I'm not my job I'm not my age who am I if I get rid of all those markers I'm not my job I'm not my age who am I if I get rid of all those markers my spiritual foundation is who am I in AA without all the things that make me a somebody so humility is enough needed to put myself slightly behind the common good slightly behind the common good of home the common good of group the common good of family and the common good of AA and that's how we begin to make AA a permanent thing unity of AA that is what I'm trying to say and that's how we begin to make AA a permanent thing unity of AA that is what I'm trying to say unity the permanence of of unity in our groups so how does that affect the concepts you know maybe maybe there's what time am I I'm worried about that um five minutes so the 12th tradition asks for humility and then we start over again in this in a concept one and I think these things are related there are people that say across the board concept one tradition one and I think these things are related there are people that say across the board concept one and step one I don't know if I'm smart enough to do that but I can tell you that I think they connect but they connect at a very real level and and if I'm going to try and make that real for me let's take coffee we have 12 concepts they were started to help keep our groups on target when we're together as an organization but how do they work how are they helpful turns out that we got a whole lot of the things that you have absorbed and I've absorbed come from the concepts we just don't think about it so let's bring it down to our meeting you're meeting your home group let's say I'm going to I meet with some friends I just moved here and we want to start none of these meetings are any good you know around here it's not like they were where I came from I'm going to start my own group and I'm going to start a group called the squirrelly sobers and these leaders in my little group my squirrelly sobers have decided that we need a coffee person we're going to give the coffee person the right to pick our coffee go get the coffee and choose it with some input from the group the other thing we find is that we don't give the coffee person the money we have to have a treasurer the the the group elects a treasurer so that we have a person and concept two says that we use our voice so what's our voice let's have a meeting I want premium I think we should have Starbucks how much are we going to spend who's going to clean up we all become we all have questions we have our voice that we use together and that voice will hold as we decide then we get to concept three and it says that every leader in AA has the right of decision it's one of our big deal rights by the way we have three rights given to us specifically in three different concepts and much abused by people who want to abuse them but that's another story so so how do the squirrels buy coffee we've picked George George has got some free time we're not going to give him the money except for as much as we think he has to have and and half of us would like to have real cream and half of us would like to have coffee alternative sugar so we empower George to go get these things and we ask the treasurer who's holding our money the treasurer has a job he's accountable back to us for both George's choices and the use of the money they are accountable back but when they get to do that service they have the right of the decision right they are a servant they're not a powerhouse of authority they're a servant so it's a different learning George learns he has to become humble he's not an important he's an important member but he doesn't have authority he's soon to learn that no good deed goes unpunished so George is going to get yelled at if he gets the wrong thing and it is for our own good that we have another tradition and that is of rotation in general we serve for two years not forever so the leader of whatever the job is doesn't get to be an authority or develop too much power and powerlessness power or too much ownership of a job because that would be dangerous for him and for the group again it's concepts and traditions working together concept four gives us the right of participation everyone gets to participate in the group whether it's a family group a work group if I'm have it everybody gets to have an opinion and sometimes if you're really going to be healthy at least in AA and in my family group I'm going to be healthy and I'm going to be everybody gets to have an opinion we allow opinions to come from anywhere in my group but we only allow members to vote that's how my group has used their autonomy but the right of participation at all levels at all levels so at the very lowest which would be our conference all the way up to the most important which is the group level everybody gets it's guaranteed in our concept so George gets to ask the question what is the right of participation the group and they get to express their opinion they vote in coffees chosen or at least you know if the coffee goes up or down 20 cents George gets to make the decision the vote can be retaken at any time the vote is not forever the vote is for now so and that becomes concept five if any of you've taken part in an election or in a decision that your group or your area makes or even your work or your family there are families and people that are living together that hold a weekly group's conscience so that they can everybody gets to participate who's in that group so we participate everybody gets to have the same right and we get the right of appeal I can appeal concept five says that minority opinion counts now I love it when I'm the minority when I'm not the minority I get to practice patience by the way it means that we're not the minority we're the minority we're the minority we make better decisions because we're we we are charged with respecting all opinions all viewpoints even the ones that come from the one person I can't stand at my meeting or at my area or in my family every time they open their mouth you just want to slap them but what if they've got the one thing the one thing that you need to know about unintended consequences and so we have to set aside our opinion table you know set it aside and we listen with respect and how does it how would it affect my family or my my group's unity if I'm able to listen to every person with the same kind of respect because I have witnessed that our own area when someone is unpopular they get less respect until a member comes along and reminds us of what our principles are we don't shoot our wounded here and we don't shoot our wounded here and we don't shoot our wounded we don't go by popularity every opinion counts and because it does we make better opinions when we listen to all of them I'm actually rolling towards an end here give me another two minutes concepts six seven and eight are more towards business relationships but it relies on our traditions and the power of the purse if George decides to buy donuts and charge them to the group we have the right to decide whether we're going to continue to give George the money the treasurer may have that authority too sometimes a group may somebody makes a decision and says oh I've just spent two hundred dollars on chips because they're so good what do you think and we think maybe he gets to buy those the power of the purse is all about we can withhold our group's money if we feel that the use of money is inappropriate and most of us think that that is ineffective unless we have the willingness to write a letter or tell the people involved why we're doing it communication goes back to our tradition and we're going to do it we're going to do it we're going to do it we're going to do it we're going to do it we're going to do it we're going to do it we're going to do it we're going to do it we're going to do it when other groups are affected concept nine many of you are having elections it's one of the best essays Bill ever wrote it's about leadership so the question is do we elect leaders because they look good and they talk pretty because they need a job or do we out of respect for the good of a a elect people who will serve yes they're flawed characters we're all flawed characters you know look at Bill you know he's our perfect leader no resume no Yes, we have terrible backgrounds, but for the good of AA, do they love the program? Can they be accountable? Can they do the job and will they serve the entire time? Those are important things. Do they have enough sobriety to handle that responsibility? Will they be someone we will respect enough and like so that they can light a lamp and the rest of us can listen and follow? Because that's what leadership is about. So how do we choose our leaders? Concept 10 and 11 are all about that. How do we choose those leaders? What are their responsibilities? So we once at my home group elected a treasurer, a young woman who never came to the meetings. About a month later, we said, why aren't you coming to the meetings? Because you're the treasurer. We thought you'd be here every week. And she said, well, you never told me that. Concepts, excuse me, Concepts 10 and 11 talk about we have responsibility and we tell people what it is they are accountable for. So do I have in my family? Do I have expectations? I forgot to tell people. And they get angry when they don't meet those expectations. How about my group life, my work life? Do I have expectations? But they're secret. Concept 12, this is the one you want to hear about the most. It's written in clean, clear English, Spanish, or French, but it's clear. It requires that no one, no position, no job ever becomes the seat of perilous wealth and power. If you ever want to know the best secret. Of Alcoholics Anonymous, read Concept 12, the warranties, because it's the guarantee of everything that is given to all members. It speaks of money, leadership, power, that no one ever has authority over someone else. It suggests how we handle problems, how we pay our bills. So the concepts are a set of related principles, guides to working together. I gather most of my information out of the secret. Service manual, or AA comes of age, and I have to refer to it a whole lot. It comes out differently every two years, reflecting changes made by the conference. Eventually, we have to decide if this is our fellowship. And if it is, we people, we members have to accept ownership. It's not a franchise where somebody else has bought in. We all paid our debt to get in here, and we each have to accept responsibility for the whole, at least for my part of the whole. We each have to accept responsibility for the whole. We each get to row a little bit, sometimes a lot and really hard, and sometimes barely. But we develop understanding. We practice approaching some ideas with wisdom and prudence and love. And I think AA and each other, we're the winners for all of that. Thanks for letting me share. I'm sorry I always run over. Bye. Judy, thank you so much. It was wonderful. And thank you to everybody for sticking around. So, now the session will be open for discussion. You can share your own experience or ask questions by raising your hand in the participant list. So, raise your little blue hand. Great. And then, Turtle, so Victor, I'm assuming, I'm looking at the name. Victor, you can actually unmute yourself. I can unmute you, too. But you can unmute yourself if you'd like. Great. Hi. Judy. Judy, thank you so much. I'm kind of new to AA. I'm just three years old. But I'm going to start to count backwards. I want to hit zero and be cured by the time I leave the earth. But it's impossible. Yeah. But I want to thank everything. And this is what I printed up the other day. I didn't know that we're all related. Like, look at this. There's a map of the world with all the areas. I live in Toronto. And they all think they're the center of the universe. It's amazing. We all do. Yeah. Thanks, Judy. And, like, I want to say thank you to everyone in service. Thank you for everyone here attending. And today is World Mental Health Day, by the way, I believe. And in respect for that, I send my heartfelt thank yous again. What the heck was my point? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm an egomaniac. That's what it is. Yeah. And this, oh, that's what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just make an admission. My secret service manual is pink. And I've been seeking out so much information for the last three and just three and a half years that my wife decided to go. So I'm actually looking for not a replacement at all, but I'm looking for more humility. And the program has everything. It's amazing. But before she left, she said, well, she used to say she's an elementary teacher in the boards here. And they suffer a lot, I'll have to say. Like, it's funny because people say, oh, you know that idea about don't judge anyone until you walk three miles. And then they use the Tortoise strategists in their in their or three things in their footsteps. Right. But she used to say, oh, no, no, no. You couldn't you couldn't pass grade four. And then it went to grade three when she was teaching. You couldn't pass grade three to one. Now it's kindergarten. But anyway, what was my point? Oh, yes. As per a she says, she says, because I'd come home with all these issues. Right. I'd say, I can't believe this. These people can't get along. Why don't they do it? My way. I would never say, only now do I say, why didn't I shut up and listen? But that's something else. That's secondary. But I think this is funny because I'm an egomaniac. Judy, I hope I run over time because where's the hook? Just hook this guy. Okay. Victor, isn't that sort of like your expectations? It's like trying to herd cats, don't you think? People, we're flawed by design, but it's a beautiful world. So thank you for putting up with me. Thank you so much, Victor. We're not a hotbed of mental health in general. Thank you so much, Victor. Kelly, I see your hand is up. You want to share? Thanks, Kath. Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for sharing, Judy. Hi, Kelly. What your thoughts are on having a service sponsor? And how that relates to like a step sponsor? Should it be the same person? Should it happen after a certain step or a certain length of sobriety? What's your experience and what's your thoughts? Thanks for that question. That's a really chewy one. I'm going to try to be judicious. I am a failure at being a. Service sponsor. I'm a three legacy sponsor, and I want to know all three parts of this program. When I separate myself into only being in somebody's life, and we haven't had enough time to know who we're dealing with, who we are, what we're about, I know a sliver of that person, and they usually call me to justify what it is they've already decided to do. If I know the person, we can talk about the overriding principles, and we have a language that we share in common. For me, I'm an abject failure at being a service sponsor. I've tried it a couple times, and it's just absolutely never been successful when it needed to be. I sponsor somebody who became a DCM three or four times now, and never have they ever called me once they got a job. Because now they're in charge. It's just not been helpful. So if you want somebody who understands the whole aspects of the program, then have somebody who's been in service. We're about service here in general. General service or service in general, either one, you want to be a part of the basis, all three. You want to be a part of the legacies of this program. So I can't do it. Somebody else might be able to do it better than I, but I can't do it. Thank you. But I do have people I will call for opinions who have been, say, past delegates or have experience with certain issues, same as I would as a sponsor. For example, I'm not a person, I've never cut on myself, but I know someone who has. So that when I've worked with someone, and that's part of their issue, they have given me permission. To let them be of use to another person. It's the same way. Find someone who has your experience. And we're generally a pretty generous lot with thinking things through. And I'll find three or four people that I really trust in different parts of the country to give me an opinion. I hope that's useful. I'm really not a successful service sponsor. Thank you. Thank you so much, Judy. That was very helpful. There is definitely time right now for more people to share experience or ask questions. You can feel free to raise your hand in the participant list, or you can wave at your screen if you want to share. And this is actually called, like, wait time in education, right? I'm a teacher, so I'm very comfortable with giving people wait time. It's a good thing. Anita, go right ahead. Do you want to unmute yourself? Yes. Thank you so much, Judy. I was trying to grab every single word you said. Everybody. The speakers have just been. It's been spectacular. Fortunately, I had to leave a little while ago. I had to work a little bit today, but I'm so glad I caught this session. And I just want clarification. As much as I got trying to filter it all through to real questions, I'm struggling. But I just want clarification on what we just discussed. When you sponsor someone, you go through each concept. So you take them through the steps. Then do you take them through the training? Do you take them through the traditions? And then you take them through the concepts? Is that your process? Did I understand? I'm going to be heretical here. I think that it's important for me to be able to talk about traditions as I sponsor people. Because I've never figured out if I wait until we're all done with something and then go back, is that even successful? Is that even successful? So I've tried to mingle the two of them here and there. And then if we haven't, you know, if we're still working together at the end of that, because that doesn't always happen. If we're still working together at the end of that, we usually start going through A.A. Comes of Age. There are people that also will go through the latest conference report and read all of the reports as a way of understanding the concepts. There's various ways to use. There's various ways to use the literature to get through to that. Because they're actually, as written, kind of dull until you can find an application. Does that make sense? Yeah. So you want to, I want to weave those things in rather than wait, say, a year to start them. Because by then, I expect people will already be in service. And people are getting into service and they're sponsoring. And I haven't given them anything that allows them to understand our principles. Right. If I wait. If I wait until it's all over. Okay. So I'm haphazard. I know there's people that do it that way and do it better than I would. But I just felt irresponsible when I do it that way. That was great. Thank you so much. Yeah. Very helpful. Very helpful. Thank you, Anita. Anita, was that your only question? Yes. Yes. I didn't want to cut you off. If we had more hours. I'd tear a lot of it apart. I know. But Anita, you can always call me if you have specific questions. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah, no problem. Thank you so much. It's a big, it's a big thing. My husband is on here. He gets the big hand for, he's a natural organizational person. And everything I've learned has been bits and pieces at a time because I'm not. I'm sort of at the other end of the spectrum. Mm-hmm. And he understands organizations naturally. Yes. Yeah. And I've had to learn the way my mind works. Yeah. I've asked mainly because we've opened up a clubhouse near me and I'm on the board for that clubhouse. So. God love you. I understand all the concepts and everything, but now you're actually in the middle of this thing. And it's like, I like you. I, I'm very opinionated and I'm, I, I don't have a lot of tact a lot of the time. So I'm, I'm really, um, trying to delve into all of this so much more. Thank you so much. And if you, um, I can get your phone number probably from them or you could. You bet. Throw it in the chat. Thank you so much, Judy. You bet. Um, I see right now that it is 428 and we'll let Pam ask another question. But Jason, if we don't get to you, maybe you can also grab Judy's number so you can connect with her as well. Okay. Cause I see his, I see two hands. Go ahead, Pam. Hi everyone. My name is Pam and I am an alcoholic and I just really, you know, I don't have much to say. Other than the fact that I agree with you, Judy, in terms of the fact that I think the actual weaving this in as life happens, as things happen and being the example to those that I sponsor to show them how this, all works is really important, you know, and I just want to appreciate the way that you walk through the concepts because usually those are the most confusing things. Um, you know, my sponsor was adamant that I studied the steps and the traditions. And then when I got into general service, the concepts were right there in the service manual and, you know, to learn how to weave them all together, you know, and I was just on the, um, a quick zoom during lunch. With some of the girls that I sponsored that are also here. And we talked a little bit about that. What are the concepts? What is this? You know? And it's like, you have to come to the breakout and you have to listen, you know, but it's right. You're right. You know, they are all there. We just don't realize that we're utilizing them. And, um, it's so important that we, you know, AA can't run itself in terms of, we need to participate. We need to participate at all levels. And this whole thing. For me over the years has been just an ego deflating proposition. Every one of these things is about me getting out of the way and letting God do the work. So thank you so much for your sharing your clarity. It was wonderful to hear you. I really appreciate it. Thank you guys. Thank you. Very kind. Thank you, Pam. And a huge thank you to Judy for your service, uh, sharing your experience and knowledge.