Big Book Study Review – Part 7 – Joe Hawk and Triva – 1992 — Joe H.

The thing is with relief, relief is always one thing. Temporary. There is such a thing as real freedom from resentment. So now they're asking me to turn back to what I've written so far, to look for the key to the future. We're prepared to look for this key from an entirely different angle. We begin to see that the world and its people really dominated me. In that state, the wrongdoings of others in the second column, whether fancied or real, had the power to actually destroy all these seven areas of my life. How can I escape? I see that these resentments must be mastered, but how? I can't wish away resentment any more than alcohol. This is our course. Realize that the people in the first column are perhaps spiritually sick, like yourself. Though you don't like their symptoms, column two, and the way it disturbs you, column three, they, like yourself, are sick too. I love when I hear people saying they're praying for someone who's perhaps spiritually sick, and they're up here, and the sick person is down here. Whenever I say that prayer, I remind myself, this person, like me, is perhaps spiritually sick. It's not me up there and them down here. We ask God to help show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick person. I ask God to help show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick person. I ask God to help show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick person. I ask God to help show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick person. When someone offends you, and this is a great prayer for resentment, this is a sick man like myself. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done. Then it tells me what to avoid. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We can't be helpful to all people, but at least God will show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. Now, it asks me to turn back to my list again. Putting out of my mind the wrong they had done, I should resolutely look for my own mistakes. Where was I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and afraid? Though a situation is not entirely my fault, I try to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where was I to blame? The inventory is mine, not the other man's. And now, don't let anybody ever tell you the book doesn't say to write the fourth column. The book says, when we see our faults, we list them. We place them before us in black and white. We admit our wrongs honestly and become willing to set these matters straight. So, if you've taken up the whole page with three columns, I then get out another notebook, and because I numbered and lettered them, I take number one, and I put their name again, and then I take A, because that goes along with the second column, and I put where was I selfish? So, I put selfish with an explanation. Dishonest with an explanation. Self-seeking with an explanation. And afraid with an explanation. Can we hear one? Did someone do a person? Yeah, I did. Can you speak up and read one? One name and one second column, and one third column, and one fourth column at... Yeah. First column, Charles. Second column, he sacked me as his sponsor. Charles. First column. Second column. Sacked me, fired me as his sponsor. Oh, you were his sponsor. He's right. He said it. He fired him. He fired you as a sponsor. Right. Okay, third column. Self-esteem. I am to have others follow my directions to truth. Self-esteem. Don't read the explanation. It affected his self-esteem. What else? Pride. Pride. Ambition. Ambition. Personal relations. Personal relations. Sex relations. Sex relations. Can you read the explanation for that? Why? Why? Honestly. Men and women should follow my direction. He wrote about how men should treat other men. He wasn't involved with the guy sexually. He wrote that other men don't treat other men that way. They should follow my directions. Now, some people don't do the explanations, their first inventory, because it would be too overwhelming and you'd get bogged down in the third column. As long as you see which seven areas were hurt, threatened, or interfered with, just put them down. If you've been around for a while, and you want to talk to somebody about how to do the extended third column, it's an eye-opening experience. Then the fourth column. Do you want me to read the fourth column? Selfish. You should always do an explanation, even if it's your first one. Selfish. I was cold to him. I was kind and giving to him. I gave him the impression that I was no longer going to be working with him. I blamed him for feeling useless. I expected myself, to know how to give others directions. I expected him, to want to take my directions, when all he wanted to do was take his own directions. I was only concerned with him following my directions, so I could use him to confirm my own program, in order not to feel angry, useless, and scared. I did not consider that God is the only guide to truth. Dishonest. I did not admit that I thought it was my fault he sacked me because I am not good enough to work with others. I was being kind and giving to him for dishonest purposes. I was being cold to him out of fear. His fault I felt useless when he sacked me. I need others to take my directions and to be able to use them to feel the way that I want and not to feel the way that I want. I did not consider not to feel rejected, angry, useless, less than, and scared to be okay. Self-seeking. I was cold to him so I could make myself think I do not care if he rejects me and make him not want to I'm sorry, and make him want to stick to me out of fear of being rejected by myself. I was kind to him so that he would be kind to me and make me feel the way that I want. I was kind to him and made me feel the way that I want. I was kind to him so that I want to feel so that I didn't have to face my own self and selfishness. Fear. Fear. I wanted him to follow my directions so I could use him to make myself think I know how to stay clean and sober and not face my own truth. I neither have the power nor the knowledge to stay sober and to feel scared, useless. Not to think it was my fault he sacked me because I am not good enough. not to think it was my fault he sacked me because I am not good enough. to help others. Not to seek God to have him be my employer and turn my life and my world over to his care. Not to face the truth that I am unable to help others on my own. Fear. Being rejected. Being alone. Others will only be kind and giving to me if I am kind to them. Being unable to help others. Feeling useless and left behind. Not being able to use others to give myself confidence. Being angry and scared. Being unable to keep myself clean on my own power or knowledge. Being unable to keep myself clean on my own power or knowledge. My fault I do not know how to give directions to help others. I do not deserve to help others. Admit and tell truth. Others think of me. I will not be okay. God and how he will employ me with others and turning my life and my world over to him. and turning my life and my world over to him. If others follow my directions, I will not be okay. If others follow my directions, I will not be okay. That's good. So he saw the nature of his selfishness, his dishonesty, his self-seeking, and his fear. Did someone do one for an institution? The institution that came up was coffee houses. Coffee houses. These guys will come up with some unbelievable stuff. Second column. Full of people who think they know it all. Self-esteem. Security. Personal relations. Pride. Sex relations. And his ambition. Selfishness. Nobody should think anything about anything without my permission. Everybody should need me to lay it out for them so I can get what I want. Nobody should be okay with anything I'm not okay with. What I actually do, I'm two-faced. Back-talking, back-stabbing. Use the atmosphere vicariously and then put it down. Take grace as my own defense. Love people with. Dishonest. I know everything. I know it all. They're all full of shit. Only I am capable of knowing it all. If I'm not seen and treated as God by these people, I can't be okay. If I don't know everything, I won't be okay. I'm not like them. Self-seeking. I want them to see and treat me as God. I want everyone to see what I'm doing. Because I'm doing it. I want proof that I am better. Better now so I don't have to go on. Fear. They know I don't. They know I don't. Fear. I never will. I'll die. They know I don't know. I am an outcast. There is no God. I'll die. I'm fucked up. The real fear is I'm a fucked up person. Who doesn't know shit. Or for whom knowing everything does shit for me. Hmm. So the great thing about the fourth column is you can do one of two things. You can face that truth and beat the heck out of yourself for what a rotten terrible person you are. Or you can go back to the statement from several pages back. Our troubles are of our own making. And get free. And every time you see your part, say thank God these troubles are of my making. Because the people in the first column. Don't have to change. Come back or get well for me to get free. Before you start the fourth column. Find the positive side to that statement. Our troubles are of our own making. Greatest statement of hope in the big book. How about a quick one on an institution? Principle. Honesty. I resent honesty. It makes me say things to people that hurt them. I resent honesty. I resent honesty. I resent honesty. It makes me say things to people that hurt them. It makes me say things to people that hurt them. It affects my self-esteem. Self-esteem. Security. Ambition. Sex relations. Pride. Personal relations. Pocket book. Yeah. Pocket book. Fourth column. Selfish. What I got is I'm selfish because I want to control what I have to say. What I can and can't do. How people see me. Dishonesty. Everyone should do as I say. I know what's wrong with them. They should know. Self-seeking. I want to be seen to others as a nice guy. I want everyone to like me. Afraid. I'm afraid of not being liked. No one wanting me around being alone. Great. So you see. Three great examples. Some people are wordy. And they go on and on and on. Saying the same stuff over and over. That's how it goes on. That's how it goes on. That's their truth. Some people get right to the point. Boom, boom, boom, boom. What you want to find out is where you were selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and afraid. So we end up with a four column resentment inventory. Now what about fear? It said, notice the word fear is bracketed along beside the difficulties of Mr. Brown, Mr. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread. The fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But did we not ourselves set the ball rolling? That's an interesting idea with fear. Didn't we ourselves set the ball rolling? We think fear ought to be classed with stealing. We think fear ought to be classed with stealing. We're going to come back to that in a second. It seems to cause more trouble. So it says that we reviewed our fears thoroughly. So I go back to my resentment inventory and I look in the fourth column and I look at what I was afraid of that made me selfish, what I was afraid of that made me dishonest, what I was afraid of that made me self-seeking, and where I put my fears in the fourth column. And I start to make this list of fears. Now you're only going to find so many and you're going to find that they repeat themselves over and over in the fourth column. You don't have to put them down on your list every time they come up. You end up with just a general list of fears. When they repeat themselves, rejection, rejection, rejection. Just put down rejection once. Now there's a lot of fears. There's only so many fears. I've never seen anybody with more than 80. There's only so many. You're just going to find them over and over and over with every resentment in every fourth column. So it asks me to review my fears thoroughly. Some I have no resentment in connection with. So what do I do with that? When I'm done with my list from my fourth, from my resentment inventory, I pray. And I ask God to show me any resentments that weren't in my resentment inventory. Any fears. That didn't make my resentment inventory. Heights, snakes, dogs, cats. Stuff that didn't make my resentment inventory. When I know the fearless is done, it then says, we ask ourselves why we had them. So all I have to do is put down, I resent rejection because it's painful, I'll be alone, I'll drink, and I'll die. And I start to see why I have these fears. So you end up with a two column fear inventory. What the fear is, and why. Now what about this idea that fear is a conscious decision? That's an interesting question. Is it possible that fear is not only under every resentment you've ever had, you see that in the fourth column. Behind every resentment I've ever had, I'm really afraid. But I show you resentment. Then, when confronted with the question, is it possible that fear is a conscious decision, I go back to the statement, didn't I myself set the fear? I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. I've never let the ball rolling. And fear ought to be classed with stealing. Now they weren't writing this book for kleptomaniacs. They were writing this book for alcoholics. Is it possible fear is a conscious decision? So I look at my list and I say to myself, I've never decided to be afraid of heights. I've never decided to be afraid of rejection. And my friend says to me, is it possible there is a decision you've made several times throughout your life that's set up every fear you've ever had? And I start to see, all my fears are based on a decision I've made several times in my life. And that is, isn't fear because self-reliance fails? And me, deciding to rely on self is a conscious decision about fear. Because self-reliance fails. It doesn't solve the fear problem or any other. So I end up with another inventory that's two columns and I have my fears and I have what I need. And I'm not afraid. That's why I have them. What about sex? Isn't it great that's on page 68 and 69? And it says that... Right. What's the old joke? The instructions for the sex inventory are really on page 96. Okay. So you go to page 96 to find the instructions for the sex inventory and it says... ... ... Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. ... You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. That's working with others. That's not the sex inventory. But this says that many of us needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes. Absurd extremes perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of the lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex. Who be well the institution of marriage. Who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it. Or that it isn't the right kind. ... They see its significance everywhere. ... So one school would allow no flavor, would allow men and women no flavor for its fair. And the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. But what can we do about them? So here are the results of the research. The first line says, here's the instructions. We reviewed our conduct over the years past. Now the first time I was told to do this, I was told that that means to make a list of relationships. The second time I was told to do this, I was told to make a list of relationships and then take one at a time and review the specific conduct within that relationship. So I now do both. I say a prayer, I say a prayer, and here I am with my third list. I've made a list of resentments, people, institutions, and principles. I've made a list of fears, which my fourth column helped me find. Now I'm making a list of relationships. It doesn't mean one night stands. It doesn't mean stuff you can remember. It means if you say a prayer and ask God to show you and a list starts to come, you put down what comes. And I make this list of relationships. I know that I'm going to be a little bit more aggressive. I now take the first name off my list of relationships and I put it on a piece of paper. This inventory is not going to be done in columns. This inventory is going to be done in paragraph form. So I put her name up here and I write about the specific conduct in that relationship. From the beginning and my motives for getting involved to specific sex conduct throughout the relationship to where it is now or how it ended. And I write about my conduct in that relationship. Then I answer nine questions. Where was I selfish? Question number one with an explanation. Where was I dishonest? Number two. Inconsiderate? Number three. Who did I hurt? I look around the relationship. Her kids, her mom, her dad, her husband, her boyfriend. Suspicion? Bitterness? Where was I at fault? And question number nine. What should I have done instead? Thank God it doesn't say what could you have done instead. You'll probably see you couldn't have done anything other than what you did. But what should you have done instead? And you mark that last ninth question, your answer to it, with another color ink so you can come back to it in a minute. Then I take my next name. I write a history about the relationship and then I answer nine questions in paragraph form. Answering. Not just selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate. Where was I selfish? I was selfish because I only cared about what I wanted. I was inconsiderate because I didn't think about how she felt. I was dishonest about this. I was dishonest about that. I was dishonest about her, her kids, her mom, her dad. This is where I was at fault. And I sum it all up. And what should I have done instead? I should have been more kind and loving. Open. Should have been more honest and considerate. In this way, we're trying to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. So when I was done with my sex inventory, they asked me to go back through each one looking at question number nine as a guy. And I wrote out a guide of what should I have done instead using that as a guide. And I wrote out a couple pages about my ideal for my future sex life. That doesn't mean your ideal woman or your ideal man. That means your ideals you would like to bring into your future sex life. Do you believe God can take you to better things? I thought this was about becoming a monk. Do I really believe God can take me to a better place with my sex life? More fulfillment. More open. More intimate. More satisfying. Do I really believe that? We ask God to help mold our ideal and help us to live up to it. And then it tells us on the next page exactly what happens with people who don't live up to their ideal that they chose. They also say it's a chosen ideal for the future. My chosen ideals. And it says, suppose we fall short of the chosen idea and stumble. Does this mean we're going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and we will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience. So to sum up about sex life, we earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity and for the strength to do the right thing. And they tell us what to do if we're having problems. It says if sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge when to yield would mean heartache. And it says, if we are not sorry, we will not be able to do anything. So... If we've been thorough about our inventory, we've written down a lot. We have listed and analyzed our resentments. We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and goodwill toward all men, even our enemies, and we have been able to understand that we are not the only ones who are being hurt by our conduct and are willing to straighten out the past if we can. In this book, you read again and again that faith does for us what we can't do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove the truth from our hearts. We are not the only ones who are being hurt by our conduct. We are the ones who are being hurt by our conduct. We also have the truth of our frequency which is important to just gi一个 teams so those of you with considerable it was that I was done with, name on a card. I had to go to her door. I had to knock on her door. I had to tell her about what I saw that I did was wrong. I had to ask her what I could do to make it right. And I got free. And the person in the first column didn't have to change or come back. And I got free. What inventory does is like peeling an onion. It starts with our basic instinct. Who are you mad at? Peels that back. You get all that out. Why are you mad? Get all that out. Second column. How does it affect you? Gets all that out. Third column. Fourth column. What was your part? Down to the core. This is what I did. And this is what I was afraid of. And there was fear behind every resentment I ever had. Then it takes fear. What's fear? What's fear? Fear is the fear of the fear. Fear is the fear of the fear. Fear is the fear of the fear. Fear is the fear of the fear. Fear is the fear of the fear. Fear is the fear of the fear. Fear is the fear of the fear. Fear is the fear of the fear. Fear is the fear of the fear. Fear is the fear of the fear. Fear is about self-reliance not working. And then what do I do with all that stuff in relationships? Three separate inventories. Four column resentment. Two column fear. And a sex inventory answering nine questions after seeing the conduct in that relationship. It's real simple. The only thing complicated about inventory is everything you have to unlearn that you think you know about it just to see the directions. I read that part where the directions are time after time after time. But until someone sat down with me and showed me how to write each column of the resentment inventory and how to write the fear inventory and how to write the sex inventory, I never saw the directions. But once I wrote a little bit and I wrote a resentment inventory and I wrote a fear inventory and I wrote a sex inventory, the directions were obvious. So once again, it's not something you should study. It's something you should do. We only have about 20 or 30 minutes and it would be impossible to cover steps five through nine. I would like to take a couple minutes and tell you about my experience. I find some great stuff at the beginning of into action about doing a fifth step and why I should do it. Rick Alexander, Jr.: And what happens to people that skip this vital step? Who keep certain things to themselves, who hold back certain parts of their story? One thing I failed to mention is when my sex inventory was done and I wrote up my ideal for the future, my sponsor did ask me to do one more thing and that was to write down some notes to myself so I would be reminded of anything I never thought I'd tell anybody. The stuff I thought I would take to my grave. Rick Alexander, Jr.: And when that first bit of the conversation came, I thought, well, this is the best I could do. And I'm not trying to say that I can do it all by myself. But step was done, I really felt like I'd gone through my entire life, that I hadn't left anything out, that I had been thorough. I think a fifth step is one of the most incredible experiences in this program.