Big Book Study – Dave F. – FOTSNY – 2001

Chris, how does Don't Drink and Go to Meetings work for you, and is the solution doing another 90 and 90? I don't know. Next? I don't know. You know, and just like what Dave said earlier, the people that are talking about this in meetings, their heart's in the right place. And it's like if 90 and 90, and it's a huge problem in the treatment centers because we talk a lot about that. You know, we want you to go to a bunch of meetings, folks. But if 90 and 90 got this cat sober, then he's going to share that with you, but we've gotten off the original deal. The trick is the steps, not the meetings. Meeting makers don't make it. Meeting makers go slowly insane and then shoot themselves. I don't know. And I have no opinion on outside issues. There's a great thing that comes from the big book, and it's back in the lost chapters, and it says that we have a substitute for alcohol, and it's the AA meeting. If you drank every day, then plug your butt into an AA meeting every day, but you damn well have a sponsor and be working the 12 steps and doing the spiritual deal. It's not a replacement. It's a replacement for. They're not mutually exclusive. All right? This question's got to be for me. Yes, it is. Why is the 10th step listed after the 4th step in the worksheets, in the workbook guide? By the way, there is no page 8 because the way the computer formatted that turned the page sideways. So that'll be the next question. Why is there no page 8 in the guide? The reason the 10th step comes after that is if you want to, you can go right to your big book, right? And you look at the 10th step, page 84. And I don't want to misquote it. I want to get it right because somebody will hang me. This thought brings us to step 10, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past. Where do you start to clean up your past? Fourth step. You don't know what damage it is that you have to clean up until you go through the inventory. I've heard other people say it starts at step 9 and everything else. That's not my experience. Why spend, let's say it's going to take you two months to write all your inventory. You've got this big pile of crap. If it's going to take you two months to dig out of this big pile of crap, meanwhile you're creating a whole other pile of crap over here because you're not cleaning up 10 and 11, the current stuff that you're dealing today. Clean up this big pile of crap and keep the slate clean over here so you don't get done with an inventory and have another pile of inventory you've got to write. Make sense? That's why. Step 4 and step 10. Follow each other in the guide. Mark, what the hell are you guys talking about and are you out of your minds? We're talking about nothing and yes we are. In case you're wondering, I wrote that one. You know, I tell you, back to the meetings and stuff. You know, if you've been sitting here this weekend and if you're getting any glimpse at all about this program and the power of God in your life, the tragic thing going on that I see is, look what we could be talking about in these meetings. The power and the power that manifests through us in our lives. Look what we could be talking about. Meditation and freedom and power and peace and serenity and just the most incredibly exciting things that would hook a brand new drunk sitting there on his hands and knees with a life that's upside down. That's what's sad to me when you look at this book and you look at these experiences we can have and, you know, that's why when I think of this stuff Chris said, imagine, if you will, a new guy coming into this thing this weekend and then going maybe to some others. And imagine the difference in that individual's whole perception of alcoholics. And I'm honest. I mean, they would feel power in this room. They would feel peace in this room. They would hear something that would reel. They'd hear something that would speak to their spirit. That's the kind of stuff that makes people come back. That's what should be going on in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because we should be talking about this kind of stuff. And I believe it would have a... a much greater impact. I mean, those of you who have strong groups, you know what I'm talking about. You walk into that kind of a setting and you leave there... you leave there on fire with this thing. And for the people in your dark tunnel meetings who say, well, you can't say that stuff about God to them. You'll scare them away from AA. Guess what? Alcohol will scare them back. We don't have to worry about that. I'm very new at this and I need to know how we can move from conceding in our minds and instead getting to our innermost selves in turning it over and offering ourselves to God. The best tool I know of is going through the book with somebody that's had that experience. A, which means they've worked the steps. They're at least one page ahead of you in the big book. Turn every statement in the big book into a question and anytime it says he or him or alcoholics or we or they and put your name in those places, Dave is restless, irritable, and discontented. And unless Dave can take another drink, you know, turn it into that. And then all of a sudden it's not this old geriatric book that was written in 39. It's a book that's current for me today with my experience. And I'm not this experience. I'm talking my emotional experience. And I'm back thinking about how I felt and all of a sudden it drives right down in here in my heart and I know in the core of my being I'm alcoholic. That's the only way I know how to do it. Drink lots of whiskey. Yeah, that'll convince you. Mark. To Mark are we closer to God than we know defined. It's either to Mark or 70 Mark. I can't. You try reading that. What does that mean to you? I'll meet you in your room. No. I see a public amend in the future. The question is to Mark, are we closer to God than we know? Go back to the water. My experience with that is yes. Through a course of action I have an awareness and experience with that which has always been within and without since the day that I entered this physical body, since the day I was born. I'm awake, aware, mindful, and conscious of that today. That is the difference. That is what has happened to me and through me as a result of doing what this simple program of action has done. So my experience with that is yes. Absolutely. I'm working on my four-step inventory. First two columns for the first time. However, I do a nightly ten-step for myself. Many AA's say the steps are in order for a reason. Is it okay to do the daily ten-step while still working on the four-step? I already touched on that one. What do you need? You need power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. I'm not attached to the male-female deal. My wife is. And I stood up before my God, and I said that I would love, honor, and cherish her. To be honest with you, I was in a sober blackout. You know how I came up with this? We did a couples meeting. It was about six or seven years into couples meetings, and somebody brought the topic of your wedding vows. And, man, I was blank. I was in a complete blackout. I had no idea what the vows were. I was scared shitless, and I was standing up there saying this stuff in front of everybody, and I had no idea what I was saying. So I went back and looked up the vows, and I looked at what was in there, and I couldn't believe that I stood up and said that, not having the slightest idea of what it meant. Not a clue. And I had done a lot of work on relationships at that point. I was completely asleep. So I had to sit back and take a look at, what does love, honor, and cherish mean? It's been a constant theme with my wife. She has a feeling. Fear of abandonment issue. A lot of women have fear of abandonment issues. She's a tremendously jealous person at times. She's Italian and Russian. Feisty breed. The way I like them. You know? Even the slightest look of impropriety, even if there's even a scent of it, I'm doing something wrong. And if there's other people, they can carry the message. Why does it have to be my hand of AA in that case? You know? That's just my experience. I used to work with them. To me, we're all children of God, and yes, I can help you. If I were the only person around, would I let you die? Absolutely not. You know? I'll make sure you get to the women and get plugged in. But there's plenty of women that can help you. How do you present the AA recovery program in rooms where AA's stay sober on the fellowship alone, and we, and we, I think, should be, we are considered thumpers and not welcome. Live by example. You don't ever have to defend the big book. And it's the truth. We're not trying to ram this in anybody's orifices. We're just saying, listen, the original message said this, and my life changed as a result of doing this. Let's, you may want to do that. They'll come, you'll be amazed. Where a couple of you will get together, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's the coolest thing to watch. While I'm thinking about it, some of you bigger guys back there start breaking up some of that furniture and we need to get a big fire up here. This place got, this place got cold. Air conditioning's a lot of whack. Mark, what can you do about the fear of not having enough money when you wrote about the fear and meditate on the fear and ask God to remove the fear and the fear is still there and it affects me and my wife? I'll answer that in the morning. In the meantime, just sit with it tonight. Go back to page 68 and look at the instructions. You've only done the first half. It's an and sentence. Another language lesson. Takes two pieces for that exercise on page 68. You've only done the first half. Kind of look in the area of self-reliance is what I'll say in that area. Mark, on page 67, please review 67 colon zero paragraph of the one, two, three, four column on your four-step review and where does the prayer come in? Yeah. You can go on to another one. Okay. Well, this is another Mark one. This is another Mark one. And there's a Dave one. Dave, what is the shortest amount of time you've taken someone through the steps on their first time through? Through all 12 steps? Well, it depends. It depends on their resentments. I've got it down on a fairly consistent basis. A wet drunk walking through the door. If I have the time to devote to him in one giant block, about six hours he's out making amends. We don't mess around. That's the way Bill did it. That's the way Dr. Bob did it. The guy is on fire. He's dying inside. I got to get him some relief. So I pump him through the steps real quick and wake up his spirit. Just the fact that he's not drinking alcohol, and alcohol is enough to free him a little bit. I get him to get rid of some of that guilt, get rid of some of the... It's not going to be perfect. It's not going to be right even. Any step worth doing is worth doing wrong. Pump him through and get him right back in. Now he's got a little relief. He's had a little bit of an experience. He doesn't understand it, but now he's least willing to go through, and now he's not on fire anymore. He can slow down and take his time and have more of an awakening. And guess what? We're going to pump him through again and again and again. The steps are circular, not linear. You don't do them once and live in 10, 11, and 12. Not my experience. You ready for that one or no? Well, if I understand this question right, you write your first three columns, and then there's the prayer, and then you write the fourth column. But talk to me tomorrow if for some reason I misunderstood your question. I don't know what that says. Who's that to? I don't know. It looks like self or something. My faith in God kept me free from financial insecurity. This has changed. Recently married, my husband worried about not having enough money. Your faith in God kept you free from financial insecurity, and now you're worried. Where's the problem? Your faith. You know, we didn't talk about it, and we probably should have. I was going to wait to talk about it at 10, 11, The AA program does not say we live one day at a time. This is another one that I'm going to get in trouble for. That's not what the book says. The book says we have to live spiritually for a 24-hour period. Faith has to live in us and through us for 24 hours or we die. That's our 24-hour program, is to have faith in every hour of our life or we die. It's not we just don't pick up a drink. It's not we just don't pick up a drink. It's not we just don't pick up a drink for this 24 hours. You're missing something. How do we not pick up the drink? Conscious contact with God. I think it's on, if memory serves me, page 16 is where that's written. That thing on faith, I would ask that person, something smells about that. You don't move from a position of faith to no faith, based on my experience. So I would ask them to maybe go back to look at what was the... The reason why they didn't have fear prior to getting married. And I don't know if it was faith or not, but I'd sit with that a little bit. Yeah. 16 colon 2. There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all. I suppose some would be shocked at our seemingly worldliness and levity, but just underneath there is a deadly earnestness. Faith has to work 24 hours a day in and through us or we perish. Mark, can you describe your experience with surrender? Two, can you make... Self-will, your own surrender, or is it the result of pain causing detachment to manifest itself? And three, what do you do in the meantime while you're waiting for surrender to happen, i.e. you're smoking? Doop. Doop. A little Homer Simpson there. There's... The first surrender that I experienced, it was what I call the surrender of an alcoholic death. That took place the morning of October 19th of 1982. The second surrender, as far as I can tell, that we're all going to have to go through in the program, is self-will. Hitting the wall with self-will around length of sobriety. My own personal experience with surrender is this. I run... I've done anything as far and as hard and as long as I can. That's just the way that I've done things. I've done it with everything in my life. Alcohol, money, not to address the smoking issue, which is always of concern from people when I go somewhere and I'm talking about God because they have this idea that you're supposed to be a water water. You're supposed to be a water water. You're supposed to be a water water. I'm not a water water walker, which I'm not. Surrender does not come about if there's any sense of reliance going on. Every alcoholic I've ever met, surrender seems to only show up through a very large window of pain. No other way. I obviously haven't experienced enough of that around that. I suspect there's something blowing in the wind with that issue, but I'll tell you something, and this is my experience. I'm not the kind of guy that wakes up one day and does something because it's the best thing for me to do in my own highest good. If I did, I'd be doing a lot better than what I am in every area of my life. And you're the same way. Go into your own experience with this issue. Take any area of your life. How does surrender ultimately come about in any area? How does it come about? Because you wake up one day and you're like, because you have moral and philosophical convictions, I'm not going to do this anymore because this isn't good for me. No, that isn't how it comes about. So the process for me is the same it is for any other person that I know, regardless of whatever it is that you're ultimately going to want to surrender to, if you want to surrender to it. In 60 seconds or less, what were they talking about at the bedside? You know what bedside. What bedside. He's going to have, I don't know what bedside, because you got it. My boys are over here. I don't have a clue. They were carrying a message. I mean, that picture is graphic and is, I mean, what a great photo it is. You all know the ones we're talking about. The man on the bed, the alcoholic who has reached that point of surrender and having the message carried by a couple of cats who have the solution. And, I mean, that's it in a picture. That's the program right there. If that's the bedside you're referring to, it's well documented in our history. Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob came in. That picture is a misnomer. It did not occur at the bedside like that. They needed a place to put the guy. And Dr. Bob was a doctor in the hospital. And they said, well, there's no private rooms. He said, we've got to have a private room. So the nurses cleaned out a closet. And they wheeled this guy into a closet so he'd have a private room. And Bill and Bob show up. So it's really not in, like, it looks like it's in a giant ward. They're actually working in a closet. And they're in there and they're sitting in there and they're talking to him. And he comes out, you know. And in those days, the only time you got a private room was if you were getting the last rights and you're about to die. So he wakes up. And here's these two guys talking to him about his drinking. And he's in a private room. And you know what he's thinking. All right, I've done it this time. I'm on my way out. I'm checking out. So now they've got his attention, right? God's got his attention. And the next thing you know, they start talking to him about his story. And when his wife comes after they've left, because that was their first visit, right? His wife comes. He says, honey, honey, guess what? These two crazy guys were here. And they understand. Right? And she's like, yeah, he's off his rockers. He's still seeing pink elephants, you know. She thinks he's in DTs. And then Bill Wilson and Bob show up. The next day, she happens to be there. And he's like, hey, honey, these are the guys who understand. So they were convincing him. They were hooking him, to use Chris's term. They were setting the hook. And they had him from that point forward, you know. Mark, can you talk about how or what you do to increase your willingness to stop smoking, knowing it goes against God's will for you? Isn't it great that everybody cares so much about Mark Houston and his smoking? How do you know it goes? Against God's will for me. How do you know what God's will for me is? When did you start playing God in my life? Now, we could play with this and say, what character was that? You just said that. But the point needs to be taken real clearly. Because the bottom line, how many times have I spoken from the podium and then had somebody come up and bust my chops because I cussed her? They didn't hear a thing I said. All they heard was the cussing. It's like, you shouldn't do that. Why? In the same breath, how many people have I bonded with because they could finally find somebody they could relate to that was cussing from the podium? You all with us? I mean, we've got speakers all over the country that are famous that cuss four times as bad as I ever did. But there's always one in a group that will come and bust my chops about it. You know, if you really believed in God, you wouldn't use his name in vain. You know. Love it. One in every crowd. You know, I'm just busting Mark up here, but I used to be a smoker. And, I mean, there was a time in my life where, you know, I was smoking an ounce a day and cutting the filters off of Marlboros. Two packs. You know. I finally got to a point where I heard bad enough, and I used 12 steps. And I have not touched a cigarette since that day. Of any kind. And it's a long time. You know. So, the only person that knows whether it's God's will is God and Mark. You know. We can play with it. If it's not a problem for him, it's not a problem for him. You know. And, here's, you're assuming something. You're assuming that he's an addict in that arena. He may be a heavy smoker. What's the definition? Right? Use our own book. He may. It may even cause him to lose his life. Before his time. But, if it doesn't create that kind of unmanageability, if he's not powerless over it, then is he an addict? I don't know. Only he can diagnose himself. Mark, what prayer or spiritual tool should one use when, in the midst of writing that third column, 16 years sober, and the urge to throw the pen and paper across the room is greater than the urge to follow through with the process? I sit down, and I like to meditate for seven to ten minutes before I write, and then read from the ABCs through the third step prayer, and you'll get taken to do a state of consciousness to write, and the writing will arise from within you. If you attempt to sit down, just pick up a pen and write, you're going to have the experience that you just read. I want to address the first one about what we really have here is we have a resentment, it says, toward a guy who resents. Rape me. I want to say three things. One, I'd like to talk to the person, not tonight, but tomorrow. Two, if a woman wrote this, find a woman, write a four-column inventory. If it's a man, write a four-column inventory, find a man. Three, there's a book by Takna Han called Pieces Every Step of the Way. The whole last chapter of this book is devoted to this very, very same example. I think there was a baby involved, so I think it had to be a woman. They put a baby up for adoption. The resentment's toward the guy who raped me. So those are the three things to do. By the way, my initial take on that when I first heard it, the baby is drama. The baby is the ego's way to say, look, there was a baby involved. What does that invoke in us? The pure little two-year-old child we've been talking about. It's not about the baby. It's about the rape. And the emotional banker is not willing to let that go. I know a guy whose daughter got molested. Terrible, atrocious thing. And he realized that in his heart of hearts, he did everything. The hit man was out, and he did everything in his power to make that guy's life an absolute living hell. He put all kinds of harm out in the world towards that guy because of what he did to his daughter. He is a freest. One of the freest men. And I know today why he went and made amends to the guy that raped his daughter. Because it was killing him. He had to let the emotional banker free from prison if he was going to live. I got another friend of mine who went into a maximum security prison to make amends with a guy he thought was going to kill him. Have him killed. Locked him in the room and made amends to him. And they said, you go in here. You're locked. You're locked in. You cannot get out until this amount of time. Because this is a lockdown. You go in there. You're going to be in there. I forget what it was, an hour, two hours. And he had to sit in there. And he walked home. He said he could have run home alongside the car. He was that high from that amends. You have to face your fear and go through it. And then you can get free. If you don't, it will kill you. Door number one. Door number two. There is no door number three. Live spiritually or die the alcoholic death. And we've spent this entire weekend stealing. We are robbers up here. We have stolen your ability to sit in mediocrity anymore. We've stolen the grace of ignorance from you. Now you know the truth. And guess what, folks? You're either going to live spiritually or you are going to die a very rapid. You're going to get sicker than if you never came to this conference. The ball's in your court. How much do you want this? Because it's for people that want it, not for people that need it. Real quick. This is not about right or wrong in that kind of situation, of course, because there's no right to that. But it is about mercy. And it's about – I've got to tell you, just before everybody expires from frostbite. In Texas, a couple of years ago, we had a very tragic crime that was committed there. There was a black man who was drunk. There was a black man who was drunk. He was drugged to death over in East Texas. And it was – I mean, it was just horrible. And it was covered in all the press there in Texas. And I'm sure everybody in the country had picked it up on the wire. But the pictures that stick out in my mind are not the screaming people calling for justice because that just goes with the territory. What sticks in my mind is Mr. Byrd, the gentleman that was killed, his mother was in the courtroom as they passed. And he was sentenced to the two morons that did it. As they gave them the death sentence, Mrs. Byrd got up, and she was a big, huge woman, and she got up out of her chair and went over to the parents of the people that had killed her son and put her big old arms around those people and showed them love and compassion. And I'm going to tell you, I'm not coming from any spiritual mountaintop because I can't – I mean, it's hard for me to fathom that. I kind of love. But that's what this is about. It's not condoning or justifying what happened. It's understanding that there's not one of us in this room that has the right under any circumstance to point a finger at somebody else and say, you did wrong. I mean, one of the freedoms of this program was that I got to a place where I could stop judging the world. God is my judge. I said it when I spoke from the podium. Tonight, if this program was about justice, I'd have been dead a long time ago for the damage that I did other people and the harm that I created, inadvertent harm, just verbally hurt people that I could never repay or repair. And I'm going to sit here and judge somebody and point a finger? All get out of the judging place with courage. Get past the hurt. You ain't going to do it by yourself. You're going to do it sitting in a fellowship of people just like this and get taken to a place where we can grant these. We're going to give these people mercy. That's freedom. That's freedom. That's where I want to stay. You take the central nervous system, put it to sleep with alcohol, and look what happens. They estimate that over 80% of the people that are in prison did it under the influence, whatever it is. 25% of the people, it depends on the numbers you look at, have absolutely no recollection for what they did. They were asleep. I, sit before you, am capable of rape. Rape is an act of violence. It's not a sexual act. Right? Just God's grace that I didn't ever rape a woman. I sure as hell was angry enough. Violence is a huge part of my past. You know, I could have very easily molested a child. Distorted night, who knows? Put my central nervous system to sleep, I could do almost anything. Murder. I used to think I'd be the perfect hitman. Because I had no emotions. I thought, inside I was dying. And I was submarine and so bad with drugs, trying to keep that down. Because I cared deeply, passionately. You've heard me talk about how I feel about love. Yet, in my mind, I had deluded myself to think I'd be a hitman. Be a great career field for me. Because I'm smart enough that I wouldn't get caught. You know, who the hell am I to judge? I sure as hell hope people don't judge me. Because my feet are clay. And I'm still screwing up in AA. But I got 12 steps to clean that stuff up. And try to walk as a child of God. And do service work. I think that's all folks. Let's close for the evening. And smoke them if you got them. . My name is Mark and I am an alcoholic. . It's good to be with you all this Sunday. Sunday mornings are always interesting there. What always happens when I come to these on Sunday mornings is what happens when I get asked to take people through the work is you get a lot of drop off. . You get a lot of drop out. . . You know, a bunch of living was easy. Like I said, we'd be doing this in Shea Stadium. . You know, each and every one of us has to make some decisions about that. That kind of a deal. A few thoughts came to me last night. First of all, the questions were all good questions. I wanted you to know that. But I guess these would be just some simple instructions. And that is that if there was a slogan I would add to AA, it would be the Nike one. Just do it. You know, don't ever let anyone read your big book for you. Follow the course of action. Then you'll have the experience. This was a long time for me to understand the experience of the experience is more important than the explanation of the experience. So, you know, again, what I'll say to each and every one of you is just do it. And then you'll have the experience. And then you won't have a necessity to ask the question. That's the biggest deal. Some of what we're going to talk about today is, well, how do I get the power to do those things? How do I get the, and I'm going to talk a lot about disciplines. Because discipline is the horse I ride. Spiritual practices, spiritual disciplines. I've been asked to do some of these at monasteries. And I always find, I find it so interesting because every time I've gone and done one of these at a monastery, the very solution to every question I've ever been asked, they role model in the monasteries. Meaning, how many of you have gone to retreat at a monastery before? Okay, most of you. If that's the case, then you've observed some things. They do everything at the same time, every day, all year long. They pray at the same time. They eat at the same time. And that could lead to a question, which is, well, why do they do that? Well, if you read much about people who are responsible for monasticism, they begin to realize the weakness of human nature. Things like sloth and things like that. And so part of the way the monasteries were set up, they were set up to do things at specific times, at all times, so that when some of this human nature like sloth and lack of discipline came up, it became such a habit to them that they would go do it in spite of it. They would go do it in spite of themselves. And that is exactly my experience with the steps as outlined in the book, The Course of Action. That is exactly my experience with the disciplines of 10 and 11 that we will ultimately get to today. When I made a commitment to this way of life, being an athlete has stood me in good stead because I knew being an athlete, if I only worked out two times a week, that wasn't going to do it. So I took that practice that I had, if you will, and I applied it to this. And for me, I like to get up early. I always have. And I began to get up religiously Monday through Friday 5 a.m., Saturday and Sunday 6 a.m. at the latest. And I continue to do that today. And I made that commitment. I made a commitment that I would do it every day when I began to work with meditation. I used a timer. And why did I use the timer? Because it imposed discipline on myself. And my commitment was when I started meditation, which was very difficult for me, is I'm going to sit here for 10 minutes if it kills me. And I wouldn't leave until the timer went off. And as I began to do these things, what started to happen in my life was pretty soon then it became a habit. Pretty soon it was autopilot. Pretty soon I was waking up a little before 5 every morning, seven days a week. And all I know is I wake up, and I begin this routine, just like they do in monasteries. But that's why I use the term that discipline is the horse that I ride. Discipline is the vehicle that you use to overcome your ego, which really is designed for the most part to be slothful, lazy, wants somebody to clean up after him, doesn't want to do anything. We all have that in us. So the tool that has helped me tremendously with that is, again, been discipline. Discipline to me, you know, the name when you bring it up to a lot of drunks, the recoil is from a hot flame. But it was the tool I used to do some things. There's a great book I was just telling Mike that helped me a lot with this by a man named Stuart Wilde called The Infinite Self, 33 Steps to Reclaiming Your Life. At least half of that book is devoted to disciplines, nutritional disciplines, physical disciplines, spiritual disciplines, mental disciplines, emotional disciplines. I like this guy because he's the one that says, if you can't explain your spirituality in less than about 10 seconds, you might want to consider getting another one. It's so simple and direct and to the point, and he will give you exercises in there. See, the ego hate, hates change. One of the exercises that I like to give people to show them about this is, is I'll ask them to drive to work a different way every day for a week. And by the third day, they call me batty because they don't want to do it. Or a simple exercise. If you brush your teeth with your right hand for a week, brush with the left, you won't believe what your mind says to you. You just, you won't believe it. In other words, the point that I'm trying to make is we've gone through life asleep on autopilot, and we have all these incredible habits, none of which are designed to help me grow spiritually. You understand? So that is a book that you may find helpful. To me, that whole book spoke to me about the 10th and 11th step. But so, you know, again, what were some of the things I wanted to share? Just do it. Number two, don't let anyone read your big book for you. The answer is in the big book. Like Dave has already said, don't ever confuse the messenger with the message. Don't ever do that. Worship that to which the steps point you. That's what we worship. The rest we enjoy and we experience, if you will. Don't attach necessarily to any one person and or thing, because it will become a barrier in and of itself. In other words, for example, meditation. You know, there's meditation masters, and I'm looking for techniques to allow me experience to that to which all this points, if you will. But I do not attach to any of that. I'm not attached to the donkey that we ride in AA. I'm not attached to any particular meditation practice, those kinds of things. I'm not attached to any particular book. So, again, just do it. Number two, you are responsible for your life. You get to decide how much of this you want. And, you know, don't let anyone read your big book for you. If they tell you to do something that's not in the big book, at least have enough knowledge of the big book to know whether or not you want to do that. Four, be open-minded. You know, the book says, be quick to see where religious people are right. There's incredible stuff out there. AA is kindergarten when it comes to spiritual living. It's kindergarten stuff. You want to learn about meditation, you spend some time, for example, the gentleman that Bart brought in here this morning who's been following that way of life, I think, 60-plus years. You're not going to find that in AA. You want to learn about meditation, find someone who's been meditating 30 years. And you ask them a simple question, which is in our book, what do I have to do? And they'll tell you, and then you leave and go do it. But, see, we don't want that. We want some answer in instantaneous effect. Well, that just isn't how it works. But there's incredible, exciting stuff out there that you can get a handle on, whether it's meditation, or I know a lot of people have been getting into Native American spirituality. I did that for two years. There's just incredible, great stuff out there that you can do along with your AA path. See, I came to know God through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, or The Great I Am, or Goddess, or whatever name you all want to use. I'm happy to use yours. That was the vehicle. And several years ago, I read something that has never left me, and here's what it said. It said the methodology that took you to God always stay true to that methodology. You don't need to go find another one. Now, when we get to the 11th step, I'm going to talk with you about some 11-step stuff I do. I do it along with that which took me to God. I do not do it instead of. I haven't been around very long, but I've been around longer. I've been around long enough. I cannot tell you the number of people that have drank when they get to the 11th step and they get out here, and all of a sudden, that which got them to the 11th step is insufficient, is boring, is they're going to evolve now. Going to evolve right out of AA, in my experience, is into a glass of whiskey. I've seen it happen numerous times. Got to be careful at the 11th step. So you're talking about real power. Real power here. I've seen people get caught up in spiritual intoxication. I've seen people, some of them long time sober with a lot of work with the steps, say things like this. Through meditation in this process my DNA has been altered and I now no longer have the phenomenon called gravy. Yeah, we're laughing. Guess what? It's real stuff. It happens. You see it. I remain a fundamental orthodox member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I remain a basic, out of the big book stuff. If I, you know, if they got a sentence in here and if I've kind of gone off here at times, well, of course. But I always come back to that which took me to which the book is pointing. Remember I told you yesterday, don't get hung up in the word God. The goal is to experience that to which the word is trying to point you to. So those are just some guidelines. Quit trying, to get the answers to all these incredible questions that you have. An exercise I give people sometimes I work with is I'll say in the next month, I want you to find God in the pots and pans. I won't tell you what their standard response is initially, but I just say to them, I want you to find God in the pots and pans. And I will not talk about this until the end of the month. And in every situation they come back to me that we must find God in our dull Monday repetitive lives. See, I go to bed, my alarm clock goes up in my home and I get up and I do this thing and I get on my computer a little bit and then I go to the gym and I work out at the gym and then I run by Starbucks and then I drive out to the ranch and then I interact with these crazy alcoholics and drug addicts. Then I go back at night and I go to a meeting and then I go home and I watch a little TV. And I need to find God in the pots and pans. I need to find God right in the middle of my dull, mundane, repetitive life. That's one of the things I would hope you would all remember. The effect produced by alcohol. I want to go to Shea Stadium and just float out of there or something. I had these crazy ideas, I guess. Well, I'll go to this monastery. Then one day I realized, Mark, if I can't experience, if I can't have conscious contact where I'm at, you're doing the same thing you've always done. You're seeking that which you've already found. Just be aware of that which you've already found and exists within you. So those are just some simple things. I guess one last thing and I'll wrap up. I'll flip this back over to Dave. We're so hard on ourselves. Take a chill pill. Relax and take it easy. There's hardly anyone who became enlightened overnight. Something that has helped me so much, I told you this yesterday, which is if I practice today, I've won. If I don't, I've lost. I just have to keep it at that level. To use clock time, today's Sunday. According to my watch, probably about 9.23. It's in July. It's 2001. Hey, that's it. There's nothing else. There's nowhere to go. This is where I'm at. This is where I'm going to live my life. This is where I'm going to do this deal. Keep it down to that simplistic thing. Assume the responsibility that you get to decide how much of this thing that you want. No one can do that for you. I think one of the things I said earlier was that I think Dave and I's prayer was that some of you would leave here with maybe a little more fire and passion to know more of God. That's really all this is about. As I told you earlier, he and I are here to bear witness of God's power, God's love, and God's way of life in our life. Nothing more than that. Dave and I don't have any answers. I always laugh about this. Anyone in AA that you might ask, because we've all had teachers in AA and stuff. If you're fortunate enough to listen to their fifth step, that is always a great thing. Any illusions you have that they're enlightened quickly are dissipated. Dave and I are just two drunks up here and we have a passion and we have a love. See, we're not even responsible for that. I'm not responsible for this incredible love of God that I have in my heart. I'm not responsible for any of that. I'm not responsible for that part of me that has just had me devour this program or that part of me that's had me devour books or go here or seek this person. I'm not responsible for any of that. All of that is a gift too. What I am was a drunk who could not not drink, who was a tornado in the lives of others, who was almost dead when he came to you. I truly do nothing on my own. I never have. I only lived in the delusion that I had any sense of power whatsoever. But keep the thing simple. I don't know why it is we want to make this thing so complex. The big book, what I think is incredible, having done a lot of reading, because after all I'm going to read myself into enlightenment, but is I don't think I have ever seen such a simple, practical way to have a revolutionary spiritual experience as outlined in the book. I mean, I've read a lot of stuff. It's just too simple. It's like, well, you've got these first three considerations, you're going to write these three inventories, do a fifth step, six, seven, you're going to go clean this stuff up, and then you're going to start working with disciplines and meditation and help others. It's like, what? It is so clear. I mean, if you look at a lot of the other religions, we have been given such an incredible gift, just a simple, precise path, and you do this thing and it's like, you know, so don't complicate the thing too much. That's all I've got for now, Dave. Thanks, Mark. Good morning, I'm Dave. I'm an alcoholic. To follow on what Mark was talking about, I think in the very beginning it was kind of flipped to me when I heard it the first time, but the longer I'm sober, the meaning has changed. When Dr. Bob said this whole thing can be boiled down to love and service. You know, trust God, clean house, help others. That's how simple this deal is. It really is that simple. And it's a gift. A couple thoughts that I had last night. I was pretty tired when I got back to the hotel room and I had to get on the internet to look at my email for something I have to give to Mark today. I needed a date that was in one of the emails. And a friend of mine, Toto, she logged on and said, hey, how's your workshop going? And I sent back an email to her, you know, the instant messaging. And I said, it's indescribable. I don't know about you guys, I've been to a number of workshops. I've participated in a number of workshops. I have never felt the stuff that I felt. There's a magic here with this spiritual body and I am tremendously grateful in my heart for you guys. This has been a true gift for me. And, I mean, how do you describe that? And it became almost instantly clear. I could hear Mark's voice running through my head saying, don't piss all over your experience. You know? We are sharing something here and when somebody asks you how it was, you say, just tell them it was indescribable. You know? Because your words aren't going to do it justice. Enjoy what you're experiencing. If you're having a shift of consciousness, if you're having a change, revel in it. Enjoy it. Just feel it. Embody it. You're in the moment. You're connected to God when you're doing that. As soon as you try to put words to it, you're not going to do it justice. As soon as you try to put words to God, you can't describe God with words. It's an experience. It's a neat thing. Secondly, we got some more copies of Steel on Steel format, which are up here. There's 12 concepts in relationships, 12 traditions in relationships, which I did not... I purposely left that in my meditation this morning and I wanted to read that to the group just because people are going to buy this tape and they're going to be off someplace and they're not going to have the handouts, the packets. So at least this way they can understand what they are. So I want to cover that. We're going to be... I know there's a lot of people who want to be leaving, so if it seems like we pick up the pace a little bit today, it's because we're going to pick up the pace. You know, we haven't even finished the fifth step, but that's the way A goes. It takes a while. It takes a while to get through your fourth step. And the next thing you know, if you do this program right, from my experience, your fifth step, six, seven, eight... I normally give guys 30 minutes to do six and seven. You're spending more than 30 minutes on six and seven. Something's wrong. You know? Now that I'm long-term sober, I do six and seven in 30 minutes and I move on, make my eight-step list. I have my first amend. I'm ready to go make my first amend. I will make more time and I will go back to six and seven and sit with it longer and use some other techniques, which aren't in the big book. I'll go through the sacrament of penance and that'll take me three or four days to do that. You know, in my morning meditation, I'll spend a half an hour a day or so going through to really drive that home. But to actually do the six and seven and offer that stuff to God and move on, it goes pretty quick. And then 10-11, we're going to slow down for that because that's the meat of this deal. It's 10-11. And one thing I want to do is most workshops I've been at, you go through and you get to 12 and they're basically out of time and everybody goes, well, you know how to do it. It's in chapter work with others and they move on. Because of that, in the guides, I threw in some experience, my own personal 12-step experience. Because I don't know what's going on down in Texas, but what's going on in North Jersey is insurance companies have stopped paying for rehabs majority-wise. And since the insurance money's dried up, the detoxes are drying up, we're down to two detoxes in all of North Jersey. So the 12-step call has fallen back in our laps and nobody's teaching 12-step calls. So we need to talk about the practicalities of how do you get a wet drunk into sobriety without killing them. Because alcoholism is fatal through the detox. Very often, a very high percentage of alcoholics die detoxing. If you don't know how to do it, you'll kill somebody, literally. So I think we should talk about that before we get out of here tonight. But back to the question that somebody asked last night about traditions and relationships. These are a modification. The first place I heard practice in the traditions and relationships was from a lady by Mary Pearl. She described her group down in Arkansas, that their group put together this deal and they started to write how to apply the traditions in your relationships. And then I brought it home to my wife and we added our experience from our relationship experience to it. So if you know what the traditions are, these will sound familiar to you, hopefully. One, our common welfare should come first. A healthy relationship depends upon unity. Two, for our family or relationship purpose, there is but one ultimate authority. A loving God as he may express himself in our informed family conscience. Each member is God's trusted servant and no one governs. Three, two or more persons when gathered together for mutual benefit can call themselves a relationship. The only basic requirement for a good marriage or relationship are mutual desire to be in the relationship and a willingness to make the relationship work. Four, each partner should be autonomous, except in matters affecting other partner or the family or society as a whole. Five, each marriage or relationship has but one primary purpose, to serve as an expression of God's love. And how cool is that? The whole purpose of my family is to express God's love to everybody and everything. Six, a partner ought never be overly supportive spiritually, emotionally, or physically to the marriage or relationship, lest problems of ego or gratification divert us from our primary purpose. Seven, each partner ought to strive to be fully self-supporting physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Eight, our marriage or relationship should remain forever free, giving relationship one to the other. In a healthy relationship, we do not keep score. Let me stop right there on this one. Guys, we have a different score system than women, alright? If I bring home my wife a candy bar, in my mind that's one point. If I bring her home a diamond watch, that's 10,000 points. Alright? Now, let me save you all a lot of trouble in a relationship. Here's the scoring system to a woman. You bring her home a candy bar, one point. You bring her home a diamond watch, one point. You write her a love note, one point. You bring her home a dozen red roses, one point. Alright? So, it's not the value of the object, it's an expression of love. You know? So, what do I do in my relationship with my wife? I write love notes. I leave little love notes. Before I came out here this weekend, my wife's a chocoholic, alright? When I go over to London, I buy Toblerones, the little baby Toblerones, and so I wrote a little love note to my wife and put a Toblerone underneath her covers, so when she climbed in bed that night, she would find the Toblerone. Then I took another Toblerone, another love note, and stuck it in her underwear, so when she went in the next morning to get up, she would find another one in her underwear. Alright? I did the same thing for my kids. Each of my children, when they climbed into their bed, hid a love note and a Toblerone. That's what practicing these principles means. Getting out of yourself to show love to somebody else. If you can't do it to your family, who can you do it with? Simple. Simple little stuff. You know? Calling up just to say, hey, I love you. I do five, I call it ludicrous acts of love, you know, just random acts of love. She'll be walking, you know, she'll be heading for the laundry room, and I know she's heading for the laundry room, and I'll walk and I'll step right in her path, and I'll just throw my arms around and give her a hug. Won't say a word. And now she knows enough to say, what are you doing? She'll just reciprocate, and then off she goes. I got sober with a Just Today card. You hardly ever see Just For Today cards anymore. You know who prints them now? Al-Anon. Most AA groups have stopped printing the darn things. It used to be printed by local intergroups around here. And there's a whole series of things you should do Just For Today. And one of the things that I still do to this day is you do two things a day that you don't want to do just for the practice. You do one thing a day that if it gets found out, it doesn't count. Because alcoholics always want to take the credit for it. That's why I couldn't tell you about the candy bars and stuff two days ago. Because that was something that if it got found out by you guys, it wouldn't have counted. I had to keep that in my heart. And I couldn't talk to my family about it until I already expressed it. So the bullet had to be out of the barrel. Because my ego will manipulate that. Anyway, I got off on a tangent. Um, let's see. Let's see. We don't keep score. That's number eight. Number nine. A family or relationship should be pliable in its organization, but our group conscience may appoint certain persons to serve various functions and be directly responsible to those they serve. Just because I'm the father in the household doesn't mean I'm the boss. It's an elected position. They can vote me out if they want. Ten. A relationship should avoid heated controversy. What does it say in our big book? Each member of the relationship should be only too glad to say, honey, this is getting heated. Let's talk about it later. How many in this room have ever done that? You know? Everybody in the room should have their hands up on that one. Instead of knock down drag outs, just say, hey, if you're awake, oh, this is getting, I can't do this right now. I'll talk to you, I love you, talk to you later. And remove yourself. Come back when you're calm. Write the inventory. Talk to your sponsor. Fifth step it. Come on back. Eleven. Each partner best conveys his or her beliefs and philosophy by attraction rather than promotion. Anonymity is a valuable asset to the marriage or relationship. Important stuff. Just because you're an alcoholic and you need a 12 step doesn't mean you can run around and tell everybody you're an alcoholic. I literally live next door to a church. Every time they get a new minister at the church, I go to my wife and say, honey, this may be a potential 12 step call. Is it alright with you if I break my anonymity to the minister? If she says no, I don't. If she says yes, then I go over and I say, hey, can I have a conversation with you? And I go into his office and I let him know that I'm an alcoholic. I've been in recovery for this long. If he has anybody in his parish that may need help, feel free to give him my name and number. How do you get 12 step calls? I know people that are 30 years sober. They don't know how to find a 12 step call. It's because nobody knows how to find them. How many in this room are registered with Intergroup for 12 step calls? Everybody's hand should be in the air. If you got one page ahead of the new guy, you can take him through. You've got a message to carry. If you've got experience with it. If you haven't got any experience, you shouldn't be registered with Intergroup. But after this weekend, you should be starting experience. Register yourself. Sign up for Nightwatch. Do this deal. Chris gave a fantastic message last night. I need you in the trenches with me. I can't carry this alone. Alright? Get off my soapbox. Number 12. And listen carefully to number 12. Selflessness. This is the spiritual foundation of our way of life as marriage partners or friends. Ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. And the main principle in a relationship is unselfishness. Our greatest gift is to be of help to one another and we can't do that if we are selfish. You know? The traditions can apply to you. Here comes the concepts and I'm going to go through this fast. Remember, a lot of people have never heard the concepts and the concepts the 1988 date is the day I got married. Okay? Number one. The final responsibility and the ultimate authority for our family should always reside in the collective conscience of our whole family. That means even the three year old gets a vote. Two. When in 1988 this family was formed, they thereby delegated complete authority for the active maintenance of the family to all of its trusted servants. Accepting for any change in the 12 traditions or the family structure due to a change in the number of its members, the family members make up the actual voice and the effective conscience for the whole family. Three. As a traditional means of creating and maintaining a clearly defined working relationship between the family members and the trusted servants and thus ensuring their effective leadership, it is here suggested that we endow each of these elements of the family with the traditional right of decision. Remember what I talked about last night. My wife gets to make the financial decisions because she's running the checkbook now. And we alternate that, guys. Every once in a while we swap out. When we first got married, I ran the checkbook. Guess what? I got activated for Desert Storm. I gave her a sentence. Honey, I'll see you in a year. Bye. Guess what? I had to figure out pretty quick how to run the family. Our finances are an open book. It's in a book. My wife knows where the finances are and I know. Anytime I want to look what's in any one of the accounts, I can go pick it up off the shelf. I could get hit by a truck tomorrow. Who am I to keep the finances a secret? Because my ego will hide money. I'm not above that. I'm only one drink away from being drunk. If I'm not spiritually centered, I go back to my old behaviors. Right? So, every insurance policy, all that stuff, it's in a place. If my wife and I were both to get hit by a truck tomorrow, anybody could walk in and pull that book off the shelf and know what's in there. Basic common things we need to do. Mark talked about it yesterday. Take care of your health. Make sure you have insurance. If you've got children, make sure there's somebody that's designated to take care of your kids if you get hit by a truck. Make sure your wills are up to date. That basic stuff. We were talking about it in the car on the way over here. Mark and I and Chris. We have to grow up in AA. There's nobody to teach how to have a relationship in AA. That stuff should be taught in high schools. How do you love another person? How do you have a basic relationship? What does it mean to be an adult? Real basic, simple stuff. If you don't know how to do it, seek it out. Humble yourself enough to say, hey, you seem like you've got your shit together. How do I do this? Is there anything I haven't thought of? Real important stuff. Real important stuff. Here's an example. A friend of mine. A guy I sponsored. Three years ago, I sat him down and said, listen, nobody will ever tell you this. I'm going to tell you this. I'm taking off my AA hat. This is me as a friend talking to you. You're just getting married. You need to get insurance for your wife. You need to get insurance for you. You need to have a will drawn up. He was just newly married, so his wife had got pregnant right out of the barrel. I said, you need to draw up a will and testament and you need to have somebody, guardians picked for your children. He disappeared. He got a new higher power, which was money. He worked the 12 steps, had a spiritual awakening, got this fantastic job. He's making buku bucks and we don't see him in AA anymore. Last week, I get a phone call from him. He was doing eight balls and drinking in Manhattan. The money didn't do it for him. He calls me up and says, Dave, I need help. I'm sitting down and talking to him. He says, oh, by the way, I just found out my wife has cancer. I said, well, thank God you got insurance. He said, no, I never did get the insurance. How is she going to get the insurance now? She's got a pre-existing condition. He says, yeah, my company got bought by AT&T and they're laying everybody off, so I think I'm going to be laid off on Friday. Now he's going to be without insurance and no job. Basic stuff. Life is hard. Pay attention. There's another tangent. You wrote me in, Mark. Where was I? Let me remember which one of these. Throughout the family structure, you ought to maintain at all responsible levels a traditional right of participation. Taking care that each classification or group of trusted servants shall be allowed a voting representation in reasonable proportion to the responsibilities that each must discharge. What does that mean? That means if my wife wants to move money from this money market to that money market, that's reasonable in her position. She doesn't need to bring that back to a group conscience. She can participate that. She can make her own decision. Boom. She's not violating anything. If she wants to go speculate with that money, she can. All right? Five. Throughout the family structure, traditional right of appeal ought to prevail, thus assuring that minority opinion will be heard and that petitions for redress of personal grievances will be carefully considered. I talked about that last night. Six. On behalf of the family, the trusted servants have the principal responsibility for maintaining the maintenance of the family and the collective voice of all family members traditionally has the final decision respecting large matters of general policy and finance. But the family also recognizes that the chief initiative and responsibility in most of these matters should be exercised primarily by the parental trustees when they act amongst themselves as the parental service board for the family. My wife and I should not be giving too much authority to a three-year-old and a six-year-old. Common sense. So we are the parental service board. We take care of the majority of stuff. I don't go to the three-year-old and say, hey, where should we invest this money? Common sense prevails. When it comes down on the line and you're a parent and this kid says, why not? And you say, because I'm your father and I'm telling you so. As long as I'm spiritually sound, that's an okay decision because I'm the parental service board. When the buck has to stop somewhere, it has to stop here. I know people in AA, they were raised with nothing and so when their kids get there and it's time for them to take a decision, if they don't feel comfortable with it, they say, well, he's probably not going to get hurt. Well, do what you want. They weren't going to take responsibility because they weren't taking responsibility for themselves. Your sobriety, your life is your responsibility and you can't do it without God. Plain and simple. Number seven. Extremely important and I rewrote this one recently. The family recognizes that the vows exchanged by the parental trustees created a legal entity and thereby fully empowered the parental service board to manage and conduct all of the family affairs. It is further understood that the concepts are spiritual, not legal instruments and the family itself is a spiritual body. It relies instead upon God as he may express himself in the group conscience. The principle vows to love, honor, and cherish each other, the force of tradition, self-sacrifice, selflessness, cooperation, and as a last resort, the power of the parental purse for its final effectiveness. Eight, the parental trustees which make up the parental service board act in two primary capacities. A, with respect to large matters of overall policy and finance, they are the principle planners and administrators. B, the primary committees directly manage these affairs. B, what with respect to the constantly active service committees, the relation of the parental service board is mainly that of custodial oversight which they exercise through their ability to elect all directors of family service committees. Guess what? I'm in charge of the garbage committee. My wife's in charge of the laundry committee. It sounds ridiculous, but if you're having trouble deciding who's going to do that, form a committee. And then if she says, I'm sick and tired of doing the laundry, guess who's probably going to end up doing the laundry? When the kids get old enough and it's time for chores, I'm not going to go to them and say, this is your chore. We're going to say, well, how can you contribute to the service of this family? How can we be of service for each other? I'm trying to teach my kids the 12 traditions, the 12 concepts about love and service. It will serve them better than anything I can do if I can just use practical application of what we learn in AA. Nine, good service leaders, together with sound methods of choosing them, are at all levels indispensable for our future functioning and safety. Leadership must necessarily be assumed by the parental trustees who make up the parental service board. That's what I was talking about. The buck has to stop with you. How do people get elected in the service? In AA, realistically? They miss a business meeting and next thing you know, oh, by the way, you're the DCM. Or, nobody wants to take responsibility, so the new guy kind of goes, well, my sponsor said I need a service commitment, so he raises his hand. Folks, the people that need to be in service are the people with the most sobriety. The people that have the experience. What our service structure has ended up being filled with are egotistical maniacs who want a position and a title. And so they get in there and then you have these business meetings where there's fighting and cat clawing and scratching and backstabbing and scumbagging and what gets done? The circle and triangle gets removed from our literature. How important is that image of the circle and triangle? That kind of deal. If we don't pay attention to what's going on in our own backyard, we're in deep trouble. And that feathers right in with Chris' message last night. 10. This is a really important one. Every service responsibility should be matched by an equal service authority. The scope of such authority to always be well defined by tradition, by resolution, or by specific job description. Don't make assumptions. Don't assume that because she's in charge of the finance committee that she's going to have money going into a retirement account. Sit down and talk to her about it and say, hey, by the way, are we getting money in these accounts? Because that's what I expect. Next thing you know, we were running short on the budget and she was spending the kid's college fund. And then you flip out. Keep your hand in the game a little bit, in other words. It's her committee, but pay attention to what's going on. 11. While the parental trustees hold the final responsibility for the family administration, they should always have the assistance of the best possible standing committees, staffs, and consultants. Therefore, the composition of these underlying committees, the personal qualifications of their members, the manner of their introduction into service, the system of their rotation, and how they relate to each other, their special rights duties, together with a proper basis for financial compensation of these special workers, will always be matters for serious care and concern. I'm in a one-income household. My wife is home with our children. I make sure that my wife has a salary. She shouldn't have to come to me for money. She should be able to buy Christmas gifts and stuff without having to come to me like a beggar with her hat in her hand. There's one pot of money. My money is her money and our money is her money. Right? And the reality of it is, none of it is our money. It's all God's money and we're stewards of God's money. You should be asking yourself that. How are you doing as a steward of God's money? How many people are staying in hotels today? Right? How many people would go eat dinner at a restaurant and not tip the waitress? Not a single hand. One of the most thankless jobs in the entire world. The maids who clean hotel rooms. They clean up people's crap and slop. Now, of the people that stayed in hotel rooms last night, how many people tipped and left a tip in the room? Beautiful. That's what we need to be doing. We need to be thinking of others. It's God's money. I write a little love note. I wrote a note that said, what did it cost me? 15 seconds? All I did was take my change out of my pocket since I've been here and there was like three bucks in change and that's what I left as my tip. I don't miss it. As a matter of fact, it's not even rattling in my pocket dribbling on the floor when I sit down. My life is better because I gave it away. Last but not least, 12, the general warranties for the family. Remember I said there's six warranties in AA? If you read the actual concepts, they're very similar to these. In all its proceedings, the family shall observe the spirit of AA tradition, taking great care that the trusted servants and committees never become the seat of perilous wealth or power. That sufficient operating funds plus an ample reserve be its prudent financial principle. If you don't have a savings account and you can't survive losing your job for a month, something's wrong. Every sound financial planner will tell you you need six months in savings. You don't need a new TV, you don't need a new stereo, you don't need a new car. That jalopy with the three colors of paint and the bondo that's been driving around when you got sober, that'll keep carrying you as long as God needs you to carry it. You know what? Something will come into your life. When I get an old beat-up car because I drive them pretty hard and I'm going to get a new car, guess what? Give it to someone else. Give it to some newcomer in A who's struggling. You know? But you make a deal with them. I'm going to give you this car. It's going to cost you nothing. Here's the car, but I don't want to see a new watch on your hand. I don't want to see a new stereo in your house. I don't want to see anything new on your person until you've finished your financial amends and you make a covenant with them. Help them. Help each other. Would it cost me nothing? Absolutely nothing. That none of the family members is in a position of unqualified authority over any of the others. That all important decisions be reached by discussion, vote, and whenever possible by substantial unanimity. That no family actions ever be personally punitive or an incitement to public controversy. And though the trusted servants may act for the service of the family, they shall never perform acts of government. And like the family itself which they serve, the trusted servant shall always remain democratic in thought and action. Important stuff, guys. It's changed my life. It's changed my family. It's changed everything. I used to be a real ogre at home. You're doing that because I'm your father. That's the way I say things are going to go. You don't hear that in my home. It's absolutely not the way things go in my life. I always say this from the podium. I wish I had a buck for every time you call somebody in the program who looks like they've got a great life and as they're picking up the receiver from the phone you hear, would you shut the hell up? Hello? You know? If your family's not an open book, something's wrong. And by the way, since I'm on my soapbox for the last 15, 20 minutes, anniversaries are not for you. The anniversary is for you to get up there and celebrate the gift that God has given you, that AA has given you, and that your family has given you. My family comes to my anniversary. They're invited. They come to my anniversary. And I stand up at the podium every year and I thank them publicly for what they've given me because I would have nothing if I did not have the support of my family. That's the truth. You are my family. You have a family of chance and a family of choice. Your family of chance is the family you were born into. Your family of choice is the people you choose to associate with. That may not be so at home. They may not feel accepted by you. They may be feeling the harm because you haven't finished the amends. Bring them to your anniversary and thank them publicly. That's part of an ongoing loving amend. So I think we've got to change tapes and I'm going to hand it back to Mark. I'm done talking for a while.