Before AA All I Could Do Was Have Babies — You Taught Me to Be a Mother – Sarah I.

About This Speaker Tape

Sarah shares her story at the 38th Annual Old Timers Roundup with 12 years of sobriety. She traces her alcoholism back to a childhood sense of disconnection and a transactional conception of Higher Power inherited from her father, a Presbyterian minister. She describes how alcohol was the first thing that ever made her feel like she belonged, and how that relief turned into total bondage — drinking through her second pregnancy, giving birth to a two-pound premature son, losing custody of both her children, racking up 11 felonies, and ending up incarcerated for 18 months.

Her turning point came on May 2nd, 2012, when she was driving to get a drink and desperately wanted to turn the car around but physically could not. She screamed out to a Higher Power she did not believe in, "Please kill me or stop me." Twelve hours later she was in handcuffs. After 18 months in prison, she returned to AA broken and out of ideas, and for the first time was willing to take direction through all 12 steps. Her fourth step inventory transformed her greatest resentment — toward her mother — into gratitude when she saw how one incident had blinded her to a lifetime of unconditional love.

Sarah describes getting complacent around eight years sober, two-stepping through the program until COVID stripped away every external support she had relied on. A second full pass through the steps, this time examining harms done while sober, rekindled her fire for the program and taught her the critical importance of steps 10 and 11. She illustrates this with a devastating story: a petty argument with her brother Benjamin ended with him blocking her number, but her tenth-step work led her to mail him a three-sentence note telling him she was wrong and that she loved him. Two months later, Benjamin died of alcoholism — and Sarah carried his ashes knowing he died aware of her love.

Today Sarah has rebuilt relationships with her parents, her oldest daughter who is now her best friend, and her ex-husband's family. Her son, whom she abandoned and has not seen in 18 years, remains a living amends — she sends cards and checks monthly and trusts Higher Power's timing for any restoration. She closes by affirming that AA did not promise her a pain-free life but gave her the ability to walk through pain as a free person, fully present for every moment.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Sarah introduces herself, thanks the event organizers, and shares about losing her cat earlier that week
• 3:00 Childhood sense of disconnection, father was a Presbyterian minister, develops a transactional conception of Higher Power
• 7:00 First drink as a teenager produces the effect she had been chasing her whole life — decides to give her will over to alcohol
• 10:00 Pregnant at 19, counts each day like a prison sentence; second pregnancy she drinks the entire time, son born at two pounds
• 15:00 Husband offers to stay if she gets sober today — she says no, he leaves with their son and never comes back
• 20:00 May 2nd 2012 turning point: driving to get a drink, screams at Higher Power to kill her or stop her, arrested 12 hours later
• 27:00 Released after 18 months incarcerated, hits bottom sober on a recovery house bathroom floor, walks into her old home group and finally believes
• 35:00 Fourth step inventory transforms her greatest resentment toward her mother; sixth and seventh step surrender
• 42:00 COVID complacency and second pass through all 12 steps as if she were a newcomer; discovers the critical importance of steps 10 and 11
• 48:00 Argument with brother Benjamin, tenth step process, mails a three-sentence note — two months later he dies of alcoholism, but he died knowing she loved him
• 55:00 Living amends to her son she hasn't seen in 18 years, trusting Higher Power's timing; rebuilt relationships with daughter, parents, and ex-husband's family