Becoming Smaller Until Only a Higher Power Remains – Sandy B.

Good morning, everybody. My name is Sandy Beach, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Sandy. It's great to be here this morning. It's been a wonderful conference, very powerful speakers. I've taken a lot of wonderful strength, knowledge, and energy with me when I go back to Tampa. I always like to talk to those of you that may be new to AA and try and let you know that it's 100 times more than you think it is. In the beginning, it seems like, wow, I'm sober. This is really wonderful. But it just unfolds more and more every year. And it doesn't matter how long you've been sober, it's just beginning. We haven't arrived anywhere. It's just the beginning. It's as if there's so much more that's going to be available to us as we open more to the power of this program. I love to just be around the big book, you know. It's a very comforting thing. And when I think what this is, this book is all about one thing, seeking God as you may understand him. But that's what it's all about, you know, where it says he could and would if he were sought. And that's our job after we come in here is to do this seeking. and we're given a game plan for doing that through these 12 steps and having home groups and conferences and sponsors to push us along because as much as I enjoy the rewards and the fruits of the spiritual effort, there's part of me that doesn't want anything to do with it. You know, part of my life is a little bit more than that. Part of me knows that this morning I'm going to talk a lot about God And part of me is going, why do you have to talk about God all the time? Why don't you talk about me? You know? I'm tired of God getting the credit. God get the credit, God get this. This is a God-given program. This is God, and this is God. You know, I'm important too. And so that's our struggle because we're two beings all locked into one little package here. And one part wants to go this way and the other part is trying to accomplish what we were sent here for, which is to overcome the part that doesn't want anything to do with spiritual growth and God and spiritual principles and sharing and becoming smaller and smaller and smaller and until there's nothing left but a higher power, a channel through which this higher power can do all the great works that we see here in AA. And I was thinking about some of the things that AA has given me. And when I think about, you know, single instances, well, I suppose one is I've had the same sponsor for 36 and a half years, which is a wonderful thing. And that's a wonderful gift to have that same person who came to my house to get me. That was before the treatment centers and all that. And it would seem like sponsors back then were divinely appointed. You know what I mean? They came to your house and got you. And it must be so difficult now when you come in and you go, now, go find a sponsor. It's like, that would be like being sent out to go find the parent. You know what I mean? Well, how do I know this will be the one that will really take care of me? And I sometimes think at the groups, we ought to just put all the names in a hat. And then you say, oh, you need a sponsor? Well, we'll get the senior man here to reach in. Your sponsor is Joe. And it would look like it was divinely appointed. You follow what I'm saying? So there was that initial relationship. And then, of course, after these years, it has become a deep, deep friendship. and I'm very grateful for my close, close friend, Bill T., who's up in Virginia. And we talk on a regular basis and it's been wonderful. Now the next thing I was thinking about occurred about two and a half years ago. During the course of about six months, both my parents passed away. They were both 93, lived long and wonderful lives and my mother ended up with a terminal illness. She was in a hospice, and my sister's got 25 years in AA, and fortunately she was living nearby in Connecticut. And so she said, you better come up. So I came up and stayed about a week, and she was doing pretty good. So I said, well, I'll go back. So I went back, and then I get the phone call, come on back. It would probably only be another day or two. So I went back up, and I went over to the hospice. My father was over there, and my mother was under the heavy sedation, so she wouldn't feel any pain. So she was sort of sound asleep. And so I came over tothe bed, andI just said, Hi, Mom. And she opened her eyes and just smiled. You wouldn't believe the smile. Her whole face lit up. She didn't really say anything, and then she kind of went back to sleep. and I was out in the hallway later and the nurse said I've never seen her that happy now see this is the guy that broke her heart this is a guy that just you know she had all these dreams for and worked so hard to send me to college and they saved money and did all that and then I just took off and went right down the drain and ended up in a nut ward and they came down to see me in there and they didn't know how to talk, it was so painful. Even after I'd been sober 10 years or so, I was speaking up in Connecticut and I said, would you like to go to this conference and hear me talk? She said, no, I don't want to go, I Don't want To Go. Later on I found out why she didn't want to hear about all the pain I went through. She just didn't wanna hear that. So here was what AA gave me was when I showed up, she smiled and was the happiest the nurse ever saw her And so it had fixed everything. It had healed and gone beyond that. It just was wonderful. And so, it was a very happy event to see this ending of a wonderful life. And so that's something that I really got. Then I got other gifts that have come in. And I share some of these so that if you're new, you understand when we're talking about what does it mean when we work in the program. How does that affect our lives? And I can give you a good example. I really like to read prayers, think about prayers. I love the prayer of St. Francis. I'm reading a book about St. Frances. You know, he wrote that stuff 900 years ago. and it's still so powerful when you read that, make me a channel of thy peace. I mean, it's just like, whoa. And so for those of you new, why would we be reading this stuff? Why is it important to be using these thoughts that have been written down? It's because they don't come to us naturally. That's not how I think. I don't get up in the morning just, boy, I sure hope I'm a channel of peace today. I just want to go out. I just get up going, I'm afraid. I don't know what's going on. They're going to get me. It's awful. Don't get close to people. Don't trust anybody. Okay. Okay, so that's me. Okay. But then if I read some of these thoughts and ideas, They take me to a different place, and I'm up there, and I'm going, make me a channel of thy peace. Make me a canal of thy piece. And so there's some sort of a change taking place, but it's very slow, and you can't feel it, and it's not always there. But it becomes part of us. And I went to Las Vegas last weekend and spoke there, and then went to Laughlin and talked out there. It's a long trip. And I'll tell you, traveling, the older you get, man, everything hurts. I mean, just leaning on my wrists hurt. You know, I'm going out and it's like I can't get my back fixed and all that stuff. And it seems to take like nine hours or whatever. So I finally get there, and I don't like casinos. The energy is just, oh. So I try to go off and do other things. So I'm complaining, okay? You can hear the, mm. And I have a great time. I love the people, and Bob D., I'm over his home group, and I just had delight visiting and all that, but this travel and hotel stuff, so I finally make it through, and I get up at 5 and drive back to Las Vegas, get on the plane, And I'm telling my body, which is going, is this over yet? You know, and I'm going, hang in there. Hang in there, babe. We've got eight more hours and we'll be home. And you can take a little nap and you can go to your home group meeting Sunday night. Don't worry. Hang in THERE. So it's, um, I'm on the plane. It's got two seats on the left, three seats onthe right. I'm against the window and the lady's sitting next to me. and they're not going out of the gate because they're trying to get two people to volunteer to get off the plane for $300 so they can get the overbooked people on the plane. And this is going on and going on and going On. And I'm not paying attention but I'm just sort of going, are we ready yet? All of a sudden there's a guy standing in the aisle who is 6'5 and he weighs 450 to 500 pounds if he weighs an ounce. And the stewardess is explaining to him that he's going to have to get in one of these two center seats. And he's looking over there and he's embarrassed about the whole thing. And He's standing there and He's not talking, but He's just going like this. And started to grab His bag out of the overhead. I guess He was going to get off the plane. And the lady next to me jumps up and says, I'll take one of the middle seats. He can have my seat. So he came over and said, the only way you can sit down is to lift up the armrest. And as he got in, just sitting, he took up half of my seat. His knee was up against the tray table, and I couldn't adjust the seat because the arm is up here, and you can't get the button, and it was like this. And I started planning what I was going to say to that lady when we got to Dallas. thanks I want you I mean that's me okay, that is me and I sat there and I just went two and a half hours oh whoa and then it was like a thought and a voice a thought and a vice and it's just like it came right into this ear. You know, it's me, but it's not me. And it just came in and it said, take a look at that guy. Do you see how embarrassed he is? Do you say, do you see that he won't even turn his head to look at you? He knows he is practically squeezing you out of the airplane and he probably feels this way every time he travels. I'll tell you what your job is Your job is to make him feel comfortable. That's what your job is. I felt like I'd been let out of jail because I had just given me the assignment of two and a half hours of resentment. And this was like a new freedom. I had просто sido gratificado de una nueva libertad. And I really relished the job. I said, that's right. He really is uncomfortable with this. How are you? And I had to go like this. His head was up here. How are You? Yeah, where are you going? I'm going to Birmingham. Well, listen, you know, and you travel a lot. Yeah, I have to travel a little out. It's hard. And I said, yeah, I guess it is. It really must be. And I didn't ache. I had no pains. Two and a half hours. I was like this, and it was like, yeah. And I could feel his body relax. I could hear his body, and I felt great that his body relaxed. And I just went there. It was like effortless. Now the next leg to Tampa, no problems. I got the full seat. I got everything, all the room I want. I had more aches and pains because now I was back to focusing on me. I had no one to help and I was back and so where did that thought voice come from well this is what sobriety is as far as I'm concerned we are just taking a series of actions going down this spiritual path for no apparent reason it's not like drinking where you go boom bop and you get the result just like that so it makes a lot of sense it just isn't that way But when I look at what happens in this seeking, I was thinking about trying to look at the disease of alcoholism. As I think it may have been John, there's so many definitions that I'll try another one this morning just to fit what we're talking about this morning. and I'm thinking about the chapter of the agnostic where, and that's one of my favorite chapters and when I first came in I thought that, you know I didn't read the book I looked at the chapter heads because my sponsor wanted me to know about the book and I am going this is ridiculous you remember in the beginning what is this? I don't need a book I need a loan there's nothing in there about alone and I remember looking at that chapter the agnostic and I said that'll probably be my chapter I figured this was going to tell agnostics how to stay sober like a separate program from all the rest of the spiritual nuts that were over here into God and steps and all that. It was only later on that I read the chapter and I realized it's what it said. It said, change your mind. Become a former agnostic. That's what he said. So anyway, in there, in the second paragraph, first paragraph, somewhere it's in there. It says, if when you honestly try, you find that you cannot stop entirely And if, when you are drinking, you have little control over the amount that you consume, you may be an alcoholic. If that be the case, and here we come to the definition of alcoholism. If that being the case you may suffering from an illness that only a spiritual experience can conquer. Now how's that for a definition? You may be suffering from a illness that ONLY a spiritual experiment can conquer I mean, what is the illness? You know what I mean? I thought it had to do with drinking. And here it's just saying, no, no. You have this situation that only a spiritual experience can conquer. So you have to kind of work backwards. You know how they worked backwards and they were sailing the ships in the 1500s or whatever it was and people kept getting scurvy. And then they started stacking oranges on the ship and then they ate them and then they didn't get it anymore. So you didn't have to be a doctor. You could go, I think scurvy is an orange deficiency. You know what I mean? You just work backwards. That's an interesting way to look at alcoholism. Instead of looking at all the scientific symptoms, you look at the solution and then work backwards If the solution is a spiritual experience, then what is the disease? Well, it must be the absence of a spiritual experience. It must be a lack of spirituality is the problem. And we try to fix it with alcohol, which is a spiritual solution of some sort. If you stretch your imagination. And in my case, alcohol worked in a very spiritual way. It was a higher power. It changed my perception of reality. It transformed the world into a wonderful place to live in, all while I was just standing there. Just standing there, wasn't doing anything. Nothing changed. All the players are still the same. And I go, and it went from threatening, hostile, rotten people into friends that I can hardly wait to meet. That's what alcohol did. So I always wanted to live in the friendly world, and I hated going back to the hostile world. I hated getting sober. And so when people say, why don't you just not drink? I would just go, do you know what happens when you don't drink? You are sober all the time. All the time! You never get a break. Ever! Ever! You know, and just trying to stay sober, like during the working hours. Okay, it's 4.30. Okay, I'll get busy. I'll stay, you know, because 5 o'clock I can go get a drink and my body is telling me, get down, get going, you need it, you needed it. So I'm going, okay, 4. 30. Okay,I'm going to get busy now. I'll go get these files. I'll study this. Take my mind off of that. I work and work and look up, it is 4.31. Somebody's screwing with the clocks. They make a time stop. When am I going to get there? When am i going to go into the bar and you remember how we were just went in. Rushing rushing rushing and the bartender comes over and says yes sir and i go go ahead and wait on them i'm not in a hurry. Because I didn't want it to appear that I was eager, that I needed this alcohol. And my body inside is going, what are you doing up there? We had an emergency down here. You're going to, you know. And then finally we poured it in. And 15 minutes later, I'm going to myself, what was it I was so upset about when I came in here? There's nothing wrong now. Now I'm complete. I'm happy, joyous and free. I'm in the center of love of the entire universe. This is awesome. So that's what drinking was. And in a way, that's What the Spiritual Path is about, except it's not a chemical one. It is taking certain actions that will produce the power to see the world as it really is. And that's why Chuck Chamberlain just loved Chuck. I was such a privilege to know him, and I went to his house and sat in his chair and looked out over the Pacific Ocean. And those of you, if you haven't listened to his tapes, you ought to get some of Chuck's. And really he's a wonderful, just a powerful teacher. We've got some great teachers in AA&E. My sponsor was one, and Chuck was certainly one. and he said that getting sober was like getting a new pair of glasses and when you picked them up and put them on and took another look you just loved what you saw man, look at this world I'm so glad I live in it but it takes power to hold that vision so we have to constantly work on establishing and maintaining contact with the power to see that world. Because as soon as we let up on our spiritual activities, the power shuts off and we start seeing the threatening world again. And that's why daily practices are so important in meetings and calling and reading. Put the power, the spiritual power in so that when we look around, we see the world that we like. I like to think of sobriety as the power to remove all the problems so that there's nothing for alcohol to fix. And when there's Nothing for Alcohol to Fix, it's real easy to stay sober. I mean, that's why we needed a drink so bad. I've got to fix this. I can't stand this anymore. Well, if that's fixed, if it's removed for that moment, then it's really easy to say, Do you want a drink? No, I don't need one. I'm perfectly fine just the way it is and that's just a wonderful thing so anyway one of the things that Chuck said I find things that I read I'm going to share a few of them this morning the first time you hear them you just go I think that's a little too extreme I thinkthat'salittleextreme and Chuck would say everybody's running around thinking that it's their job to take care of themselves. Because if I don't take care of myself, who will? Even the old saying, God takes care of those who takes careof themselves. And I heard an Al-Anon lady one time say, that's not it. God takes caro of those that ask. That's who God takes cara of. But Chuck goes even further. He says, it's not even your job to take care of yourself that's god's job your job is to do his work that's your job just just do his stuff and you'll be taken care of and so i was going well i've certainly seen that i was thinking you know like that airplane incident all of a sudden i was doing his work and he took care of me fine i had no wakes or pain didn't have anything and i've had this in in terms of finances, and all kinds of stuff. I was staying active doing this and that, and all of a sudden an event would happen and I would be taken care of. And I was thinking about Bill Wilson. You could look at this and go, geez, look at Bill. Here he is. He was really doing the work. I mean, man, he was just committed to this and struggling trying... Of course, he had all these crazy ideas about how to make AA go, and he was going to get paid missionaries and raise millions and millions of dollars and start hospitals and all that kind of stuff and none of it would work. He couldn't get any money at all. It's just broke. I mean, you talk about broke. You ought to read if you're new and you think you're broke. Read about Bill. I mean there he is. So he's writing the big book. They're in the drafts, the final drafts and they get evicted from their house in Brooklyn. They're out in the street and they can't afford to put the furniture in storage and they got no place to stay. And you would say, well, he's been doing God's work all along. I don't see God taking care of him. What's this deal? Well, what happens next? The AA community goes, we got to keep him going. He's essential to keeping this whole thing going. So let's pass the hat and we'll come up with a weekly amount of money for him and lois and we get him an old beat-up car and we got a cabin over here that he can stay in for a couple of months then he can stay at joe's house harry's house frank's house we got it all planned for him well there it was he just kept plowing ahead with the mission at hand and was totally taken care of and then of Of course, in the later years, when the big books started selling and AA started becoming financially independent, then he wasn't even concerned with money anymore. It wasn't part of his thing, and there was plenty of it. And it was very comfortable, but it wasn't an essential part of his life because he had gone beyond that. And so Chuck is saying, it's God's job to take care of me and my job to do his work. And I found that, you know, I don't know about you, and I said, that's great. You know what I mean? Anytime you hear a lofty principle, man, that is great. I really like that. But I think I will just keep a couple hundred dollars in my wallet. And I thinkI will have to set aside something over here. And I won't worry as much as I used to worry about financial security. and I'll think about that later on. I mean, it's so hard to let go of the old way of living. I remember when I was thinking about forgiveness. Do you know how hard it is to forgive? Have you ever thought about forgiveness and you say, you know, I really ought to forgive them and you go, okay, and you do. But it isn't gone. you know I mean in your mind you go Jane you're forgiven for leaving me for another guy with all the kids you're totally forgiven but down in here it's like you rotten son of a gun I can't believe what you did nice yeah but she's forgiven it's it's over he's forgiven so we've said forgiveness but there's it hasn't happened yet and remember the first time I read about forgiveness growing up i was in the church i was brought up in the catholic church and i'm reading about my hero at the time it's jesus i'm going man look at this he's walking on the water i thought that was great i'm just going look at that is that cool then he changed water into wine i went yes yes my kind of guy i'm with this man I'm going all the way and then people are sick and he just goes whoo in their well and I'm just going I'm gonna model my life after him then there's all of a sudden they're nailing him to a cross whoa well the story has taken an unfortunate turn I think he I'll sort of follow his path but I won't be as extreme as he was certainly don't want to end up getting nailed to a cross I mean my god that has to seriously hurt so what is he saying while this is going on he's saying father forgive them they know not what they do and I didn't say this out loud but you know what I'm thinking to myself Jesus are you on drugs they're nailing your butt to a cross and you're saying forgive them i mean hello i mean what is that so later on they're explaining these principles and what these teachings were all about and that forgiveness is how we get free of any injuries that are done to us. Because that's the only freedom there is. So the bar was set, as far as my own education was. Forgiveness extends up to and including getting nailed to a cross. That's how far you go with forgiveness. Now you're not going to... You're not going to believe this, but all through my life, I kept having stuff happen to me that was worse than getting nailed to a cross. And you know why it was worse? Because it was happening to me. That's why it were worse. So I was, you know, I was willing to forgive up to a certain point. But you know what I mean? It's just this. So all those things that I wasn't willing to forget, I didn't want to forgive. I carried it. Anytime I decide to carry it, I pick up the hammer and the nails and I build a little cross and I go, Sandy, I'm nailing your butt to this thing and we ain't going to ever forgive this. Boom. And then walk around in a lot of pain. over not forgiving what we have called the unforgivable. And I was reading in a little 24-hour day book about forgiveness. And it was a wonderful concept, so I just want to pass it on. It said, it is senseless to try to simply forgive. Because the only thing that's hurt when anything happens to us is our selfishness. That's the only thing that gets hurt, is our self. And so instead of trying to intellectually forgive, we have to concentrate on overcoming our self in our daily lives. And when we overcome ourselves, the only things that we can do and the only one thing that was hurt is gone. And we can't even remember the injuries. Now is that total freedom? We can't even remember the injuries because, you see, that's the only part. That's the ego, the self. And so this whole program is overcoming self. Overcoming self because that's where all the problems are. Now very briefly, I grew up in New England, had a nice little family, didn't drink until I was in college, very uncomfortable around people, I had my first drink. The second or the third drink that I had, all these threatening people became friendly people and I knew that I had found the secret to life. That's what alcohol was to me. It was the path that I had chosen to follow. I had no idea that that's what I had decided. But that's what alcohol was. It was my true friend. Alcohol set me free. Up until then, fear had me trapped in there. Insecurity had me. I couldn't turn on the creative part of me. I would meet people and I'd be thinking of leaving. I just wasn't spontaneous. I couldn't be me. And as soon as I drank that alcohol, it was like there. Now I am a hundred percent and I just could talk. I intuitively knew how to do everything. It was just fear of economic insecurity disappeared. I'll buy a round for this room. You know what I mean? I didn't have the rent money, but who cares? i'm living today the rent is due tomorrow we got to live a day at a time so alcohol was my power to get through life it was my secret answer to everything and i just made it the centerpiece i didn't know i was deciding this but that's what i decided And I managed to graduate from the university up in New Haven. The Korean War was just ending, but the draft was still on, so I joined the Marine Corps. All I can tell you about that was I was amazed how intense they were. It was like, hey guys, lighten up, come on. I mean, just, and I just was in the wrong place. And we were being trained to be platoon leaders and it took six months of just running around and shooting and digging and hiding and these guys were, give me somebody to kill, give мне somebody to кил and I'm just going, hey, I saw a training movie about pilots and they were in the bar and they Were talking with their hands There was a blonde in the background, and I just went over to the major. I said, what's that pilot stuff? He said, oh, you don't want that. You have to sign up for three more years if you do that. I got three years. I got two years. I got four years. Let me sign up für dat. I signed up. I made it. My eyes were all right, andI passed all the tests, and got married, went off to Pensacola, got air sick on the plane going down. the old propeller planes they're bouncing all around there's gasoline smell then I got sick in the SNJ for about five flights and the instructor said I don't think you're going to make it well that went away turns out I was very good at that so I now had a new career they were giving out regular commissions yeah, yeah now I'm going to be I'm not going to make the military my career look at me do you see a military bone in my body You see anything military, but I'm going to make this a career. Give me that airplane. I did reasonably well, but there were lots of people going, he's a disgrace to the Marine Corps. I mean, there was some of that. So I got promoted and we had one kid and I'm a first lieutenant, two kids, three kids, four kids, five kids, six kids, and getting crowded around the house on this, looking there. You know, I'm sort of an observer of all this. I'm out with the boys at night, we're partying, you know, it was just a crazy time. I got promoted to captain, and now I'm back from overseas. I'm in a photo squadron at Cherry Point when the Cuban Missile Crisis was going on. And I am starting to experience withdrawal symptoms in the planes. And I'm having these attacks. And I're starting to distrust the pilot of the plane I'm on, which is me. You know, I'm just going. This guy is dangerous to be with, you know. It's just like, I don't want to be in here and I'm very apprehensive. Had some close calls. Didn't have any accidents, but it went on for a number of months. And finally I went to the doctor and I said, I think I'm having some problems in flying. What's happening? Well, I am losing vision. I feel like I am going to pass out. Can't see the instruments. I'm getting forgetful. Whoa, whoa, we're going to send you down. Very briefly, I was down for two weeks to see what caused this, and they had no diagnosis of alcoholism in the Navy at that time. You had to be something else. So I went through all these tests, and all they had to go on was I had high blood pressure. My hands just trembled all the time, and I just clammy sweat. My eyes were bloodshot, very confused. I wasn't sure where I was, and I reeked of alcohol all the time, just all the time. And so they finally had to, they couldn't find anything physically wrong. They had me strapped in a chair in an old AD with wires sticking out of everywhere, and they're flying loops, and oh, no, that's not it. That's not It. And they're just going through, and finally they said, well, we think it's psychiatric, so let the psychiatrist decide. And I was written up with childhood fear of flying. Never should have been a pilot in the first place, and these last 12 years of flying were just like a fluke. And so that was my total identity. That's who I was. You know what I meant? And now I'm not me anymore. And I'm back up to Cherry Point and I'm heartbroken, I'm crushed, but I couldn't fight it. I had no backbone. I mean, there was nothing left to contest this. So I waited for three months for headquarters, Marine Corps to decide, what are we going to make? You have to give this guy a new specialty. He's no longer a fighter pilot. So I came back and I got orders to become an air traffic controller. And I went off to air traffic control school, made it through the school, which is a very hard school. And I spent my last year drinking over in Japan in charge of an air traffic patrol unit. And fortunately, the senior enlisted men sized me up in one minute when I checked in. Welcome aboard, Captain. Glad to have you. You know, we had tents and all this. Here's a little place for you, nice little captain's chair to sit in. ride our bikes to work you know that kind of environment and we do this we do that and captain don't go near the radar meaning don't you control anything you just you just survive and we'll cover for you and that's what i did i just became i just drank around the clock i lost 50 pounds i had malnutrition i stopped drinking with my buddies and everybody was partying you know and I would just be in the Quonset hut. I had vodka, juice, grain alcohol. A guy had brought five gallons of grain alcohol over from where they make special weapons. And I would sip on that when I was out of vodka. And during the year, I sipped the whole five gallons just as extra. You know what I mean? Uh-oh, I'm out of Vodka. I'll go take a little of the grain alcohol stuff. You know, it's just like, ooh. And I was just trying to survive. I was right on the edge of mentally the whole thing. And when I was sent back to Quantico to attend a career school, I had a grand mal seizure in the school, bit my tongue, took me off to the hospital. They still don't know what's wrong. What caused the seizure? This guy is studying too hard. What is wrong with him? and at about five days and then I went into DTs and it was just the classic old fashioned huge DTs the CIA had come into my room they were going to arrest me as a spy I was taking these mental tests they kept giving me these tests and moving walls and then what's out in the hallway well it's the corpsman this and that and then open the door it was a photo lab you're trying to drive me crazy And I'm writing all this stuff down, and it was terrifying. And then, let me try again. I'm going to remember the photo lab. All right, if you can remember the foto lab, we're going to let you out of here. We're goingto declare your saint. Okay. Three dryers, the big enlargers. See, I was in a photo squadron. That's where that came from. So I went back in the bed, and five minutes later, the five doctors came in. Well, what's on the other side of the door? It's the photo laboratory. There's three dryers and enlargers, the processor. And they all looked at each other, and they just went, oh. And I said, what the hell is that? I yanked the door open. I ran right out onto a flight line. Planes are taxiing and the tower and all that. And I just screamed and was freaked out. And so they put me in a straitjacket and just put me in the nut ward and locked me up for six months. And that was how they were treated. And fortunately, AA came in there after about four months. And so I heard about the program. I didn't connect to it. I thought it would be nice for friends of mine. And then I went home as an outpatient, and I started drinking again, even though they told me my career was over if I ever had another drink. So I knew they were going to catch me. Paranoia was sitting in. I had vodka in the nut ward, you know what I mean, under my stuff. And I was looking at the psychiatrist, you're like, are you looking at me? You know, it was like... So I could see them looking at me, looking at them. And I said, they're going to get me. They're goingto get me." You remember in Paranoia? You know, they were all looking at you. So I said,"I better join AAA on the outside." And that's what I did. I called AA over the weekend. It was Pearl Harbor Day, 1964. This big Marine captain came over to my house. He was an infantry guy. And he just came in. This is a 12-step call. I talk. You listen. Sit down. He didn't ask me anything. He asked my family. What kind of a father? Terrible father, rotten, rotten. You know, all the kids. What kind of a husband? Worst husband in the world. I'm going to get rid of him. So I'm going, what are you talking to them for? I'm the guy. You know. Anyway, we went to a meeting. We went to a meeting every night. There was no choice. I think he said, we'll be gone every night for ten years or something like that. Every night, every night, every night I'm going there's those extreme marines again you know just like and I never had another drink you know what I mean? That was it. I never had another drank and I just started down this path. So what is the path? That to me when they look at this book it's the way you know these two wanted to call it the way out. It really is the way. I don't think any of us had a way before we got here. Nobody explained life to me. Nobody told me what the deal was. Never really told me so I could connect. Because everybody was always talking down, especially the drunks. Anybody who's talking to us is, I'll tell you, you know, it was just like that. So I didn't want to listen. But I got in here and it was level playing field. There's one drunk to another. One person saying, I used to be right where you are. I know how to get out of there. Give me your hand and I'm going to show you how to get out there. Would you like to get our of there? Of course you want to get ouf of there! It's killing you in there! It's awful! Your life is awful! It's worse than you even want to admit. You haven't got a clue what's going on. You're not sure about yourself. you had some vague principles you put together growing up I learned a lot of my philosophy of life off of bathroom walls oh my god, I didn't know that is that true? wow you know, and then I learned from other kids and then i heard something from the catholic church that i screwed up and it wasn't that way at all then i hear something from over here and i had this mishmash of stuff. And there was an old guy in Washington, Charlie Bruton, he used to say, it isn't the things you don't know that kill you. It's knowing things for sure that just ain't so. And that's, if you're new, that's what you got. You have thousands of ideas that are scaring the hell out of you that aren't true. None of them. Old ideas avail us nothing. So this process of growing spiritually implies, you know when I say growing it implies we're going to acquire something. We're not going to acquire anything. We're going get rid of stuff. That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get red of. See when we come here we're ego, ego. How big? I'm a big shot. I'm big. And I'm trying to get bigger. Because I think that's where happiness is. I'm on a bigger car, bigger yacht, a bigger job. Bigger, bigger. And so you've designed this vehicle for moving through life. And it's like a boat. And this is the design of the boat. It's 78 feet wide and 2 feet deep. you need 78 mercury outboards to do five knots because everywhere you take this vehicle you meet resistance especially from other people with 78 foot boats I mean two huge egos can't go through those doors they get so we wonder why going through life is so tiring I'm taking my will and I'm pushing it through it's exhausting everybody resists willfulness you can just feel it you send out all this energy of willfulness I like my eggs this way I like this it has to be that way and you figure if you instruct the whole world enough they'll get their act together And so I thought communicating was just talking more about me. Well, let me tell you one more thing. I don't like you messing around with my shoes. Whatever it is, you know, it's just... And so we come in here and we go, that plan is awful. That's the worst plan in the world. You don't want to become a big shot. You want to becomes nothing. Nothing has no resistance anywhere. You can just go, hmm, I want to be small. Oh, I want to be able to go right through a screen door. Of myself, I'm nothing. The higher power does all the work. He's the man. He'sthe man. So now, I am a nothing, but I have unlimited power. You know what I'm saying? It's like when you're in grammar school and you can't fight, but you've got a huge brother. You know what I mean? So I just walk around and say to myself, wherever I go, well, God and I are here. Looks manageable to me, right, God? Yeah. He said, yeah, just keep going. Okay. And since I've learned from this program, only one problem that human beings have gets them in all the pain there is. Only one problem that we have comes in many forms, sex and money and health and all that. But it's really just one problem. It's not getting your way. That's the problem. Not getting my way. So how do you resolve that? Before we got to AA, we go around trying to teach people how to let us have our way. Because that's the only thing that our intellect tells us. The only way you're going to be happy is if you get your way And people are constantly frustrating me from being happy. because I can't get my way. And our way, even if we got it, wouldn't make us happy. Some people who are successful in overpowering the entire world and get everything that they want find out it doesn't work. God, 10 yachts doesn't works. It must be 12. There's something missing. So what is the deal? And the program says, oh, there's a flip side to that. Instead of getting your way, don't have a way. then nothing can ever go against your way. Don't have a way? Who will I be, the hole in the donut like out of the 12 and 12? I'll be nothing. Yay! I'll do it. I'll just be nothing? What do I want to be nothing for? Because you're not supposed to be anything. You're supposed to become an instrument. The highest pay grade we have in Alcoholics Anonymous is servant. we start out as self-centered jerk then we work down to semi-self-centered jerk and then finally we can get down to the top grade in the program servant servant, I want to just be a servant I just want to be useful who will take care of me? just watch watch how you're taken care of You're taken care of because you will achieve happiness from the inside out. And then it won't be important to get anything, because it'll already be fixed. You won't need the yacht to be happy. If you want to get one, that'll be nice, but it won'T be to make you happy. It'll be to give other people a ride on it. It'll BE for other motives. It'll Be totally... It's the freedom that they talk about in the program. So we become an instrument and then things happen. John was talking about it last night. It's just a series of coincidences. And Mary Ann wanted me to tell this one story. I've been sober about 25 years. I was sitting around my house up in Washington, D.C. It was a Sunday afternoon. It was 10 minutes to the Redskins game. And it was back when they were in the Super Bowl or almost Super Bowl. It was very exciting, you know, when your hometown team is rocking and rolling. Ten minutes to game time and my wife had gone out somewhere and I was home. I got the TV. I got The Washington Post. I got some popcorn. I got a case of Cokes. And I'm ready for the game, and I'm sitting there, and all of a sudden I have a thought. And the thought is, you remember 1955 when you were in flight school and your buddy Bill Marseille you drank with, and he came over, and you and your wife and Bill hung around all the time, and then every month you'd be out of money for the rent, and you'd borrow it from Bill, and then you'd pay it back. And the next month, you'd been out of the money, you borrowed from him, pay him back. And then the last month when you're finishing up training down there, You borrowed the $70 rent. He went over here to advanced training, and you went over there, and you never paid him back. And you saw him again a couple years later, and you pretended like you forgot. And now, you still owe him the $ 70. And I'm going, okay, great, but the game is just about to start. We're clearly not gonna be doing anything about that. Oh yeah? You wanna enjoy that game, You've got to start thinking about Bill Marseille and the 70. Well, where am I going? Where am I gonna find him? He says, it's Sunday. Headquarters Marine Corps. I can't call them. How am I Gonna find? There's no way I could find Bill. I'm gonna watch the game. No, you're not gonna watch The Game. This is what you're gonna do. You're gonna think, think, Think. How could you get a hold of him? Well, he liked to ski. Well, they call the ski places. Well, the skis all over the place. He was from New England, right? Yeah. Well, He might be in Vermont. You know, this is bugging me. It is game time. Here's the deal. I'll make a deal with you. This is me and my conscience. Back and forth. He said, I will call information in Vermont. I'll ask if there's a William P. Marseille III. When she says no, I'm watching the game. I call up the operator. You got a William F. Marcelle? Oh, you do? What's the number? So I write the number down. He won't be home. I'll call him right now. It's Bill Marseilles. Oh, hi, Bill. It's Sandy Beach. Sandy Beach, how are you? Oh, my God. So we have this great reunion. He's running a gift shop at a ski resort. And I go, Bill, I've got to explain something to you in a hurry. The game is getting ready to start. And I've Got to Get Something Off My Chest. I said, I joined AA. He said, You joined AA? He said. Yeah, you were a pretty bad drinker. And I said. Yeah, I was a pretty good drinker, too. I said I ended up in the noteworthy. I can't go through the whole thing, but I'll tell you it's been 25 years or whatever it was. And I said, it's unbelievable. I am so happy. Someday I'll tell you all about it. It's just the most amazing thing in the world. I borrowed the money. I've got to send you $70. We'll make it $150 with interest. What's your address? Oh, no, you don't have to send it. I said I have to spend it. I want to watch this game. So I write the check and I get the address and I send it off and I watch the game. Now I have peace of mind. It was a great game and I'm having a good time. And, geez, about a month later I get a box from this gift shop. It must have had $300 worth of stuff in it. Wind chimes and all that and a little note, thank you and all that and hope to see you. And then he called about six months later and he said they're moving to North Carolina. Gave me a phone number. Let's get together. Nothing happened. I don't do anything. And 10, 12 years go by and I'm speaking in North Carolina and I get through the talk and I stand in line. People are coming up and a lady comes up and says my name is Kathy Marseille. You don't know me. It's such an unusual last name. I go, Bill Marseilles' wife? And she said, no, I'm his widow. I said, oh my God. So sorry. What happened? Well, he died of a heart attack about six months ago. And then I'm looking and I'm going, what is she doing here? And I said what's the deal? And she said oh. She said right after you called he was so excited about what you told him about AA, he joined. And he had five years' sobriety when he passed away. And so what was going on? I'll tell you what was gone on. Some sort of energy had to occur to 12-step him. And so this is how it was done. It interrupted my football game in order to get the message to him. And I was just an unwilling instrument. I don't want to call. I don' t want to call. I don''t want to call. But I did. And so let me close right at the end of the time. I wanted to say one last thing to those of you that are new. You are the gift that AA gives you. That's the gift. And your job, just like that voice came into my ear, your job is to unwrap that gift. See, it's wrapped up in old ideas. It's wrappedup in a lot of garbage. It'swrappedup in all kinds of erroneous information. The truth about you is going to blow your mind. The truthaboutyou as a human being is so awesome, it's going to take the rest of your life to unfold it's the story of the century each one of us this is the epic journey up till now it was the minor leagues all that stuff fighter pilot ha ha ha it was a joke compared to the spiritual program compared to challenging the battle of can I overcome my selfishness that's your challenge And as you take these steps and you find one more thing to get rid of, as Chuck said, uncover, discover, and discard. One more thing that I'm wrong about. One more things to throw over the side. One more think that's causing resistance between me and the rest of the world. My job from now on is not to do anything except bring harmony wherever I go. And the only way I can bring harmony where ever I go is to stay undisturbed. Spirituality is, as the 10th step suggests in the 12 and 12, the art of achieving and maintaining a status of undisturbedness. When we are in this state, we are wonderful to be around. People are attracted to us. When we focus on overcoming selflessness and being undistURBED, we bring harmony where we go. We treat the 7-Eleven clerk with respect. We treat waiters and waitresses differently than when we're so filled with ourselves. And as we bring this new energy out into the world about us, the world reacts to that energy with a loving embrace. And we feel wanted where we go. We feel harmony wherever we go。 We actually create the world that we're living in by simply struggling against ourselves to not give in to that selfish part. And when we do, don't beat yourself up. Don't beat your self up. Just go, I'm human. I'm getting off the floor and I'm going to try better today. And the journey goes on and on. And if you're new, hold on. It is beautiful. God loves you. We all love you. It's been a great conference. Thank you.