Barry S. – Tradition – Unity Over Social Acceptability – 2013

I'm an addict James hey James I get the pleasure of coming here and introducing my sponsor to speak on the first step of first tradition and I just found this out like two days ago so kind of was cool only a couple things I'm gonna say about Barry is that there's no doubt my mind that he lives this program he does a tremendous amount of service for this program at all levels of service and for me as an addict you know there's been a couple smart things I've done in recovery and there's no doubt my mind that one of them was asking him to be my sponsor and you know all the things that I've been through he's definitely been there for me I love them with that welcome Barry I'm an addict for life named Barry first and foremost I have to thank the God of my understanding for giving me a chance to have another day clean today and it's only by his grace and mercy that I'm able to do that before I get into the first step and I'm going to relate the first step to what's going on in my life April 11th at work I had a seizure I just went down went out brought to the emergency room and they did something that I didn't want to do and I'm going to do it again and they're going to test me and you know I'll do it again and I'll do it again and I'm going to do it some test on me and right now I'm medicate I'm on medication for not having a seizure and I can't drive my car for six months I have the disease of addiction that wants me to say I can sneak in my car and drive it but since the doctors told me that if I kill somebody you'll kill myself I'm in deep trouble during that process they did a chest x-ray and they're going to put out a check up and they're going to call me and they're going to tell me that I am in deep trouble that's and found some stuff in my lungs. And everybody who knows me, I love to do step work with my guys and smoke a cigar, go to football games and smoke a cigar. I haven't picked up a cigar since April 11th. I went with my wife to the pulmonary doctor after a PET scan, and I don't have cancer. And I'm grateful for that. Because a lot of my friends in this program do suffer with that. That's what I'm powerless over. I'm powerless over that. You know, the first step, we admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives become unmanageable. The literature talks about rationalization, justification, and what kept us using. And, you know, I picked up at age 11 and put down before my 52nd birthday. I used wherever I was. I used in the military. I used when I was... I was locked up. I just lived to use, if anybody can relate to that. That's what I did. I lived to use. So before my 52nd birthday, and I was in treatment in 81, and they had graduation day. And, you know, my disease went with graduated. You know, I graduated. Now I can use successfully. And I went and picked up, two freebase pipes, took my boat out, bought $5,000 worth of cocaine. After I smoked the resins, because that's what I was going to just do, smoke the resins. But once I had that first hit, I was powerless. The compulsion took over. And from 1981 till May 19th, 1998, I just celebrated last week. I celebrated 15 years clean. It's not to say or brag about it, because all I do with the first step is when I wake up in the morning, and I thank God for letting me get up. It's not the alarm clock that lets me get up. I hear it. One day I'm not going to hear that alarm clock anymore. And if I die clean, I'm okay with that. That's what the first step to me is the most important step. I have to live from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep at night. I have to live that step. So before I put Barry's feet on the floor, before I get out of bed, I said, God, thank you for letting me get up. And God, help me stay clean no matter how Barry messes up the day. And I mess it up. I'm not perfect. I never will be perfect. But I do mess up my day. And I use the first step all throughout the day. There's so many different ways I could do it. I could see what I'm doing. I can see if I can justify something. I can see if I can rationalize something. For me, when I first moved to Florida in 1978, I was making money hand over foot as a lay, well, not a professional. I hung wallpaper. Okay? And we had communities going up like Sunrise Lakes and stuff like this. And people were, you know, they were all over the place. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And people were, if they stood still, we would wallpaper them. We wallpapered everything. Door frames, doors, moldings, everything. And there were five of us from New York, all with the disease of addiction, who were running out to keep copping so we could keep working. If anybody can relate to that also. And what, I didn't realize is I justified that I was making money. I was able to pay the rent. I was able to pay insurance on the car. I was able to invest in some properties. And I was okay. I was even paying my taxes. Because I've heard a lot of people in the rooms that caught up to them. I was even paying my taxes. Okay. But for some reason, I thought I was okay. I wasn't even in denial. I was in refusal to look at the disease. I was in refusal to look at disease. Because like I said, in 1981, I put myself in a place and I was introduced to Narcotics Anonymous through H&I. And a lot of those people who were doing H&I, back there in 1981, are still clean today. Are still clean today. I just chose, I never even picked up a white key tag on the outside meetings. So, I wasn't ready. The bottom line is, I wasn't ready. I could go to meetings. I can keep going to meetings. I can sit there. I can fellowship. I cannot get a sponsor. I could do everything. Because the first step talks about getting a sponsor and making friends in Narcotics Anonymous. And that's what I've done since I've been here. I've got 300 and some odd phone numbers in my cell phone. Out of 300 and some odd numbers, 300 are addicts, the rest are people I used to work for or relatives. And when I'm in a jam, when I'm out of my comfort zone for the day, when I'm off track, the first thing I do is, I don't call my sponsor because he's outside messing around with his animals, his plants, or whatever. And he's the type of guy that doesn't even know where his cell phone is. So I'm not calling him. I'll call my grand sponsor. Don't get me wrong, I love my sponsor. He has guided me through the steps. But I make a list of people who I know will pick up the phone that I could talk to. And that's applying my first step. That's applying my first step in my daily routine. And there's... You know what I love before I get into the first step? In the preface it says, The full fruit of a labor of love lies in the harvest. And it always comes in the right season. And you know what? When I came in May 19th, 1988, I was ready. And I'm still going for the harvest. I'm still pursuing. I'm still learning. I'm still... Gosh, I'm still doing a lot of stuff that I did when I first started doing my steps. When I first started doing my steps, you know, I keep, I keep doing the steps. At the end of the first step it says, It's not where we were that counts, but where we're going. And that's what really matters to me. If I'm going to live in the past, if I'm going to live in the past, I can't live in the present. And anybody who's into the literature knows that this program is about living in the here and now. Here I am right now trying to carry a message to the addicts. Trying to carry a message to addicts. In the here and now. I'm not thinking about tomorrow, Monday. If I didn't get the news from the doctor Thursday, I might be thinking about that right now. But you know what? I have to let you know that while this whole process was going on, while this whole process was going on, people were coming up to me in meetings who knew what was going on. And they said, I hear you're struggling. And I would look at them. Struggling? What do you mean struggling? Well, I hear you're struggling. You know what? It says life on life's terms. If I was struggling, I would want to use that struggling for me. Struggling for me is I want to use. Life on life's terms is something that the first step helps me deal with on a daily basis. So, there's a couple things that I'm not going to open it works, how and why, because my sponsor calls that my coloring book, because I haven't walked out with so many different magic markers. You know, because every time I read something, something else hits me. So, I don't want to highlight it with the yellow one. I want to highlight it with the green one. Then I want to highlight it with another one. Then I want to, because every time I read, something else comes out. What a blessing to be in this fellowship. What a blessing to be here. We are powerless not only over drugs, but over our addiction as well. We need to admit this fact in order to recover. Addiction is a physical, mental, and spiritual disease that affects every area of our lives. I was up at the Florida Service Symposium where we went to a couple workshops on PR. Okay? And they were doing mock presentations like with the PTA, and people would raise my hand. Well, my daughter is a cutter. But she belonged in Narcotics Anonymous. And they explained to us, Narcotics Anonymous, when we first get here, is about drug addiction. It's about drug addiction. And these are people who have been around a lot longer than I was. But you know what? Once we get here, we realize that once we put the drugs down, we do have other things that manifest itself in our life. I am not the type of person that will say, I have a shopping addiction. I have a gambling addiction. I have the... No. I got one addiction. I got the disease of addiction which manifests itself in all those areas. I don't have other addictions. I got one. It's called the disease of addiction. And it will manifest itself in other areas of my life if I let it. If I let it. Look, I came in. I'm powerless over my addiction. I admitted it. I raised my hand. Okay? I made the admission. And you people reached out to help me. But guess what? Once I admitted that, I was empowered with freedom of choice. I'm now empowered with freedom of choice. In other words, now I work for some people. I'm not self-employed anymore. If I... I'll give you an example. The building I live in wanted me to work there. And I said, Wow, this is great. All I got to do is walk out my apartment door and I'm at work already. But then I said, How many people are going to be knocking at my door at 10 or 11 o'clock at night saying, We don't like this and we don't like that and we don't like this. So, I talked to a good friend of mine and I said, I'm going to call my sponsor and ask him what I should do. He said, No. What are you calling your sponsor for? Number one, he's not in that line of business. Number two, he should not be making decisions for you. You should be making decisions for yourself. This is just my experience. I know a lot of people who come in, don't even know what a roll of toilet paper is. And how to use it. And they need guidance in that. I didn't come in that bad yet. Okay? I came in bad, but not that bad yet. So we all, we're all the same because we have the disease of addiction. But we all come in here at different degrees. You know what? Some people yell out when they read it, We're sick. And they yell out, We're sick. You know what? If you're still sick, call your sponsor, work some steps, and try to get better. I'm not here to remain sick. I'm here to get better. I will not get perfect, but I'm here to get better. And that's what I like about this. So, and here I talked about denial, substitution, rationalization, justification, distrust of others, guilt, embarrassment, dereliction, degradation, isolation, loss of control are all results of our disease. And that's what kept me out there. That's what kept me out there. Rationalization, like I shared before. Substitution. I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm going to wait until 11.30. That's a half hour before lunchtime. And then I'm going to pop a beer. Well, after a while, it was beer from the moment I got up, like it was orange juice, till when I passed out at night. So, I substituted one for another, and I was still caught up. Still caught up in the disease. Embarrassment. I embarrassed, I'm 13 years old, I'm at my bar mitzvah, the rabbi and I didn't see eye to eye, and I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting there, eye to eye. I was already using. He said something to me, so right in front of the whole family, I hit him. Okay? It's funny, it really is, but it's pathetic. It's pathetic. It's funny, I could laugh at that now, but it's pathetic. This guy probably passed away a long time ago, but now, when I see somebody, somebody who's heavily religious in the Jewish faith, I respect them. And that would talk about another step, not step one. So I do that now, but I wasn't, I was still drinking, I wasn't the one really embarrassed. It was my mom, my dad, my grandparents, who were embarrassed. So my disease, embarrassed other people. I went on for so long telling everybody, what do you care? I'm only hurting myself. What do you care? I'm only hurting myself. The bottom line is, I hurt everybody who loved me the most. And I found out, through being here a while, those are the easiest ones to hurt, because they're so important. close to you. So, now, reservations, reservations. I have to admit to this group sitting here, I have one reservation. And that reservation is getting the first $2 bag of dope on Lexington and 125th. Okay? Getting that bag of dope for $2 because that bag of dope, and guess what? There are no more $2 bags of dope. And I don't think it's as good as it was back then. So my reservation is a non-reality reservation. It's a non-reality reservation because it said, reservations rob us of the benefits that this program has to offer. And ridding ourselves of all reservations, we surrender. Then and only then can we be helped to recover from the disease of addiction. I had nine months clean and my dad passed away. And I went to a meeting and shared about it. And a whole bunch of people came around who had the experience. See, I go, this is a program that's about experience, strength, and hope. Like I'm telling you, I don't have cancer, but I hate the people who come up to me who didn't have it, who give me all the theories about it. You know what? I know the people to go to, because I listen at meetings. I know the people who go to who have had cancer, who have had cancer, and came through the survival of cancer, and don't have it, don't have cancer anymore, and came through it clean. And these people told me they were put on heavy narcotics, but they came through it clean. Those are the people I go up to. Those are the people I go up to. If I have surgery of one part of my body, I go up to the people who had surgery, like hip replacements. And I know all of them. I know all of them. Those are the people I want to share their experience, strength, and hope. Don't come up to me and play doctor. Please. I have doctors. I have a pulmonary doctor. I have an endocrinologist for my diabetes. I've got all kinds of doctors. Unless you have a degree somewhere, maybe I'll come see you. But otherwise, give me your experience, strength, and hope. That's what I really go by. So, my dad passed away. My sister passed away. Other stuff has happened. And I have not had a desire to use. By working the first step, okay, I've had one burning desire. And I think I had six months clean and shared it at a 12 o'clock meeting. Somebody took me back to his house, four of us, threw some hot dogs in a pot of water, and we sat around and we talked. And I didn't use. I didn't use because I really had a burning desire. I don't know if you ever saw Roger Rabbit when he gets hit in the head and sees those stars going around. I'm at a meeting, and I'm seeing drugs going around. You know, finally, the chairperson says, does anybody have a burning desire? And I said, maybe this is what it is, because I'm thinking about leaving this meeting, going to Sunshine Ranch and copping. That's what. And that for me was a burning desire. So I shared that. And with that, I was able to stay clean another day. I was able to stay clean another day. Through people in the fellowship. It talks about I can, we can't. Okay? There's a group in Hollywood that meets on Tuesday nights. Been meeting a long time. It's called I can, we can't. So I can't do this alone, by myself, but with all of you people, I can do it just for today. I can do it just for today. I'm not telling you, I'm telling you I don't think about tomorrow, okay, or all that other stuff, and worry about it. But I'll tell you what, I was thinking about, oh shit, I'm going to the World Convention. I'm going to the World Convention. What happens if the doctor tells me I have cancer and I have to go on chemo? I'm not going to make it to the World Convention. That's, is that living in here and now? All I would do is like call them up, ask them to give me my money back, if they would, probably they'd keep a little bit, but you know what? That's end of August. What's this? This is still May. So why am I so worried about that? Because I have the disease of addiction, that's why it wants me to worry about anything. There's a gesture for today that talks about making mountains out of molehills. And I've made plenty of mountains out of, not even a molehill, it's like, it's flat, it's not even a molehill, but I'll make a mountain out of it. And then it says social acceptability does not equal recovery. Been here, 15 years. I used to hear some people share some awesome, awesome stuff, and then after being around for a while, I said, they're sharing, but I'm looking and they're living dirty. I don't want to be known as a person that is clean and living dirty. It says, in recovery and relapse, that we have never seen a person, doesn't even say addict, says we never have seen a person relapse who lives in the Narcotics Anonymous program. What is living in the Narcotics Anonymous program? Oh, I work the steps with my sponsor. Do you incorporate the principles in your life? What's the difference? There's a big difference as far as I'm concerned. I try to incorporate the spiritual principles in my life on a daily basis. Like I said, I fall short. There's other steps to use to do something about that. But you know what? I really love, I really love the first step. Because it keeps me in check. It keeps me in check. And we're talking about manifesting itself in other areas of our lives. I moved down here in 1978. I was told I was making a lot of money. My dad used to like to gamble. So we have both applied for credit at Resorts International. I got $5,000 worth of credit. My dad was rejected. So now he's going, my using kid, they gave $5,000 to, and me they gave nothing. But every Friday night I would take my dad over to the Bahamas. And here I got $5,000 markers. I go to a $100 blackjack table loaded on my drug of choice. Loaded on my drug of choice. Five sign that marker. They give me all the chips. I'm at a $100 blackjack table by myself. I can play in every seat. I got to tell you people, I had a rush. I had a rush over what the drugs did to me. I got a rush over that. Okay? So now I'm clean. Why can't I drive to the Hard Rock Casino? Because I'm clean. Now that I'm clean I'll probably play better. Or whatever. I drive by the Hard Rock Casino. Because I know Barry doesn't belong there. I do not belong there. That's a choice that I make. That's a choice that I make. Okay. We begin to see that every day every clean day is a successful day no matter what happens. And you know what? I can have a bad day. I can go to a meeting and share about it. But you know what? If I didn't pick up and use I had a good day. I had a real good day. I had a very good day. Being clean and working this step we are released from our chains. However, none of the steps work by magic. We do not just say the words of this step. We learn to live them. We see for ourselves that the program has something to offer us. And I shared about that. I try to live the spiritual principles on a daily basis in my life. Now we'll go on to the tradition. I'm going to open up my coloring book. I have worked the traditions with not my sponsor. My sponsor's got 26 years clean. But when I asked him to sponsor me he knew nothing about the traditions. My sponsor never got involved in service except at the group level. He's never been in 26 years to area service except for literature and the like. I'm not going to go into the traditions. I'm going to pick up for his old home group. A good friend of mine I had met who moved here from East Brunswick, New Jersey where they're very into the traditions up there. I worked the traditions one on one with him. I worked the traditions one on one with him. Then I've been in some groups of men who have worked the traditions. I'm in one that took 18 months to get through it. I'm in one now. And I believe if I didn't work the traditions I shouldn't be up here talking about them. The steps, I worked. The traditions, I worked not with my sponsor but another recovering addict and in groups of people. Because it's it's it's a I'm not sure who it was but it's it's a It's a It's a It's a It's a It's a It's a It's a It's a It's a portion of the book is not meant to fulfill every need for every group or every member. Rather, it is to be a book that will generate discussion and allow for local interpretation of practical application of the principles contained in the traditions. I've read the basic text, and I've read it works out online, and I've been around for a while, and I hear so many people throwing around the word, you're violating the traditions, you're violating the tradition, you're violating the tradition. It's only mentioned in three traditions, a violation. Two traditions and one step. The 11th step talks about bringing religious context of meditation into meetings that do meditate like conscience. Conscience contact is a meditation meeting. There is other meditation meetings. So, in other words, if you're bringing in a religious, this is a spiritual, not religious program. So, if you're bringing all that in, maybe somebody will say you're violating the tradition, except for some other ones. Tradition one. For me, our symbol is the base is round, has a square in it that looks like a diamond. That base has some things written in it, goodwill, society. Okay? Then it points up, and at the point, at the top of the point, is freedom. The higher the point, the higher the freedom. Tradition one talks about unity. We all come in here from different races, different creeds. We're all brought up in different areas. Some of us Park Avenue, some of us Skid Row, whatever. We all belong here. We all welcome each other here. We all need to be here because I can't survive. I can't survive. I can't survive. I can't survive. I can't survive. I can't survive. I can't survive without you in the groups, and the groups can't survive without us. In other words, if something comes along, it already happened at one time. It already happened at one time. Where Jimmy K, the founder of Narcotics Anonymous, sat in a meeting with a coffee pot with nobody showing up for a while, after NA was going around for a while, because nobody followed the tradition. So when he started that, he incorporated the traditions back into the fellowship, and that's what we need. I have a lot of people who disagree with me that the traditions don't work in your personal life. My feelings are it does. It definitely does, especially the second tradition, but we're on the first. As each individual member of the group, we have to be aware of the fact that we're not on the same team. The individual member relies on the support of the fellowship's survival, so NA's survival depends on its members. So now, we need to make meetings accessible for people. We need to make meetings accessible for people. So we make that base bigger. The bigger we make the base, the higher the point of freedom. And you know what? Everybody has something to do in Narcotics Anonymous. Me? I'm still searching. I'm still searching. I'm still doing service at my home group, and I still, for 14 and a half years, have a helpline shift. I still do service, but the most important service I can do is walk up to the home group, and I still do service. I still do service. I still do service. I still do service. I can take the meeting to the guy who came into the meeting, off the street, smelling nobody wants to approach him, give him a big hug, and say you're welcome. That's the most important thing I can do. That will build our unity up. And I know there's some people in here who have seen that person drag their butt in a meeting. Right? know what this meeting is about and whatever spare change they have throw in a basket while the guy's drinking the Monster and the $4 Starbucks won't throw a dollar in the basket. And it's sad, but that's the reality of it. It's really sad. But we see that person grow. We see that person grow. My experience is, people had to tell me that I was growing. They had to say, Barry, look, you're smiling. Barry, look, you're trimming. The beard's never coming off because the wife is pissed. I'm trimming here. I'm trimming here. I shower, except if I leave, from work and have to go to a meeting. So, we see them coming in, not smelling anymore, have a smile on their face, being of service. And here the first tradition talks about being of service. People come in here who maybe know how to be a DJ. And there's a function going on. So, they can DJ at that function. Or, any services, like, I hate going around my home group after it ends, and nobody will walk up to the garbage can to put an empty cup in there. Like, I know you people have seen that. And I know you people have come back to your meeting place with a sign from the facility that you're on shaky ground. Because we're finding cigarette butts outside. And this has to do with the first tradition. It has to do with, first of all, it's selflessness, love, acceptance, commitment, and anonymity. Those are some of the spiritual principles in the first tradition. So, if we can show love to some people, then they can eventually show love to others. Show love to other people. If we make a commitment, at our home group or anywhere, to be responsible, okay, like, I go to my home group, and if I'm late, my hand will not go up. My hand will not go up to share. Because, you know what? I should have been at the meeting when the prayer started, and when the prayer ends. I'm not walking into a meeting 15 minutes late. This is just for me. And I believe it's out of respect to the other people who are in there who need a share, who showed up on time. So, and the selflessness. And I'll say this. I hear people share, this is a selfish program. And I keep opening my book, and I keep saying, I'm not going to share this with anyone. I'm going to share this with you. I'm not going to share this with anybody. I'm not going to share this with anybody. I'm not going to share this with anybody. And I talk about the word selfish, and I use that word in my book to see where I see the word selfish. All I see is the word selfless. Selfless, big difference. I see the word selfless. So, The unity we see in our media is in our expression, not only of our reliance on each other, but our mutual reliance on spiritual principles and a higher power. Um.. that's going into another tradition higher power it's like I'm not in charge you're not in charge we know who's in charge we strengthen our unity by participating in each other's recovery and how do I participate in that I'll tell you how I participate in that if a sponsor calls me up and he finished the fourth step I make it my business to meet with him the next day or the day after that's my commitment that's my responsibility I don't say let's do it a month from now because it grows in the dark and it dies in the light of exposure the longer we keep it in the drawer the worse we are that's just for me our commitment to unity strengthens our groups allowing us to carry a message of hope meetings flourish flourish in this atmosphere of hope and I see a lot of hope in Narcotics Anonymous I hope some of the negative stuff I spoke about didn't like disturb you but it's something to look at it's something to look at the first tradition is really awesome just like the first step and some of the principles that seem particularly important to the unity include surrender and acceptance commitment selflessness love and anonymity and I think that's a good thing and I'll go back to the first step real quick everybody says the first step the spiritual principle is honesty I can get as honest as I want but if I don't internalize the honesty within here and surrender and accept that I'm a drug addict and I can't use if I don't have that surrender and acceptance for me I don't know what honesty is going to get me I really don't with that strong commitment we are able to carry the message of hope that will support us all in our recovery selflessness is another indispensable element in unity the principles that we learn in the steps help us let to go for selflessness and love and acceptance and lovingly serve the needs of others our ability to survive as a fellowship and reach other addicts depends on our unity so without unity and it also says I go to some some groups where it says they read in their format there are no must in Narcotics Anonymous and they don't know that there are no must in Narcotics Anonymous and they don't know that there are no must in Narcotics Anonymous but I believe there's 48 of them I believe there's 48 of them and one is in the first tradition we must have unity to survive we must have unity and with that I'm done thank you