Astrid H. at the Down Under Speaker Series – 2020

About This Speaker Tape

Bent sideways before the first drink, Astrid H. was a child of war survivors and "over-disciplining," wired for a life of fight or flight. She describes herself as the "rebellion dog," the loud, grandiose one who lacked the capacity to self-soothe. Alcohol became the liquid solution to a nervous system in survival mode, smoothing over the jagged edges of a childhood defined by yelling and spanking.

Astrid traces the crossing of the invisible line in high school, leading to a wreckage of "pitiful and incomprehensible things." After a failed attempt at sobriety where she treated the steps as a homework assignment, she relapsed hard. She describes a descent into deep psychosis, prostitution cases, and street trauma—seeing dead bodies and having guns put to her head. Only after the total collapse of her life did she stop blaming others and surrender to a Higher Power to straighten out the twisted wreckage of her past.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction by the host and initial greetings.
• 2:15 Discussion of childhood trauma and the belief that children are not born monsters.
• 5:40 Analysis of 'survival mode' and the inability to self-soothe.
• 8:10 The 'invisible line' and the transition from junior high drinking to full-blown alcoholism.
• 11:20 The impact of father's abuse and the resulting attraction to toxic relationships.
• 14:10 Step 4 and the realization that the Steps were treated as a homework assignment.
• 16:45 The 'total inability to form a true partnership' and the fight-or-flight response in relationships.
• s18:30 The 'sea hag' relapse: losing the home, vodka, and descending into street trauma.
• 20:10 The wreckage of the streets: prostitution cases, jail, and witnessing dead bodies.
• 21:45 Technical difficulties and the conclusion of the talk.