Art Cole Told Me It Sounds Like You Have a Problem With Living Matt – Matt J.

Hi, my name is Matt Johnson and I'm an alcoholic.
I'd like to thank Rich and Carlene for asking me to come out.
It's an honor to participate in an AA meeting and to be involved in something as enthusiastic as this,
especially your skit. It was pretty fantastic.
I didn't know if I was going to be able to wipe the smile off my face when I got up here long enough.
Jimmy's been great. He gave me a lot of confidence when I got here.
He said he came in from Whitefish and couldn't remember how to get to the airport,
so he bought a map and I thought, well, that's great.
So when he got on the freeway heading back to Great Falls,
I got a little bit worried, but I thought, he knows where he's going.
Then we saw the sign that said,
he goes, oh darn it, I guess we're going to see the valley.
So he took matters into his own hands and became an unauthorized vehicle
and hung a U-turn right there on the freeway and came back.
What should have been a three minute trip turned out to be about a half an hour,
but we had a good time.
We found out that we were both
golf challenged.
It's all clicking.
But I am really happy to be here.
I'm happy to be here with my father and my mother here, my stepmother.
It's really nice because I come from a normal family.
Both my parents are alcoholics.
I was raised in the Los Angeles area.
I was a real sickly child.
I had asthma and hay fever real bad.
I got shots of adrenaline until I was old enough to swallow a pill,
and then they put me on this stuff called Tedrol,
which would open up my lungs.
It would make me feel kind of like how I feel right now.
It would make my heart pound and my palms sweaty,
but I'd be stuck in one place for about 45 minutes.
I never felt like doing anything.
So, yeah.
So I was usually stuck to a Naugahyde chair,
and I would just watch TV.
Really, that's all I did.
Also, you guys all know Joel.
He warned me that he was sitting right there.
He's my talk meter.
I'll know if I'm not doing well if he starts snoring, they said.
So I thought I'd give you a little juice for that, Joel.
But I was just sick.
I would go to school, not fit in, have an asthma attack, and go home.
That was really basically what I did.
The teachers all liked me.
They'd have me sit up front, and I was all potentialized all through school.
Matt's got potential, but he doesn't apply himself, that kind of thing.
So I went through school like that until we moved to Torrance.
In the fifth grade, I went to a new elementary school,
started off fresh, and started going.
I became obsessed with recess, is what happened, really.
I never got into academics there either,
but I really got into sports and enjoyed myself and did that.
But I knew at that time that I never fit in.
I couldn't read or write, really.
So I would hold mine up.
I'd always sit down.
They'd always seat me next to the academic giant in the class,
or the girl that could write forwards and backwards and upside down.
She goes, oh, here, watch this.
She could fit the whole sentence in backwards, and I couldn't even print.
So I'd look at that.
So I never turned anything in, and I just didn't belong.
I wasted a chair there, basically.
But in the seventh grade, with the help of a friend,
I wrote a pornographic essay and got expelled from school.
That's my big highlight.
And that was kind of like the start of things.
I got expelled.
My folks rallied together and took me to the...
I got expelled.
I ran away from home.
You know, what do you do?
I ran away from home.
I got caught right away, taken right back to my folks.
My folks rallied together and took me to the chief of police.
They told me what my problem was.
They said, what you're going through is puberty,
and pretty soon you'll be growing hair on your arms and on your legs,
and everything will be okay, kind of thing.
At least that's what I heard him say.
Now, do you see any hair on those arms yet?
He didn't know I was going to be a late bloomer, kind of thing.
So I sat and waited forever for hair to grow.
I mean, it just never...
I thought it was never...
In fact, it started coming out before it even came on my chest.
I got more...
And I don't get this, but I got more hair on my back now
than I got on my head.
You know, so what's the deal there?
I don't, you know...
But...
So, you know, so that happened.
And then they took me to a psychologist at the same time, which...
And she was a...
And she was a dream analyzer,
and I liked that so much I would make up dreams for her to analyze, you know.
And what's funny, you know, it's like nothing's changed in 40 years, really.
You know, I was either inferior or superior, inferior or superior.
You know, it was always one or the other.
I was never just, you know, down the line there.
And so I, you know, that made me different
because I got out of school during the day to go see her,
and, you know, I was seeing a shrink in the 60s,
and which, you know, became a...
I guess a pretty big deal for the older crowd,
but, you know, not when you're in fifth or seventh grade.
So I did that.
I felt different.
In other words, I felt different all my life, you know.
I mean, cut right to the chase.
You know, I always felt different.
I never learned anything in school other than how to play football and baseball.
And by the time I got to high school, I was totally unprepared for high school.
I couldn't...
I didn't fit in there.
I didn't do anything.
And they pushed me through.
I graduated in 1969, you know, I mean, without, you know, without doing anything.
And I, you know, I mean, but through this time, I think I had my first drink.
There was always alcohol around the house.
I knew what a martini and a Rob Roy and a vodka gimel,
I knew what all of them tasted like.
Back in the old days, my folks would have parties or they would mix drinks,
and I knew that.
Then my father would even buy a little seven-ounce cans of Coors beer for me at times,
or he'd buy them for...
I don't know who he'd buy them for.
I don't think for him, but I guess they were...
I always guessed they were for me, and I drank them.
So I'm right-handed, so I'm just going to put that there.
No, no, no.
Don't get a tooth fall.
I'll spill it on my tie.
So I, you know, I always drank...
I knew what everything tasted like.
I always drank, but I didn't really start drinking seriously until I was about 15.
When I was 15, I think I had my first real drunk around Christmas time when I was 15
and started drinking periodically from there until I was 16,
and then started drinking whenever I could.
But when I turned 16,
I got a job on the Redondo Beach Pier as a busboy at a restaurant,
which was a great job.
You dressed up in a nice little coat and white shirt,
and you would just help the waitresses out,
and if you hooked on with a nice one,
you could really rack the tips in.
You made three bucks an hour or whatever it was,
and plus the tips.
Well, in the kitchen was where all the drug addicts and alcoholics were,
and the...
the guy who was the cook,
you know, he always had a...
he had like a Camel cigarette,
you know, always like that,
and he would be flipping stuff,
and, you know, and he goes,
he goes,
hey, there's a dishwasher job open,
you know, why don't you take it?
And I thought, great.
You know, I mean, that was like $2.75 an hour and no tips,
and...
But you were there with all the beer,
you know, I mean, so it made sense to me,
and you had to stay late, you know,
and I mean, and you ended up,
you were soaking wet from washing dishes,
you know, you're holding on to this thing,
like milking a cow,
and, you know, I mean,
and I think, oh, crap,
you know, it's like I'd be ready to go at 11,
and then another tray would come in,
and I think, oh, man,
and I had to wait for that was done,
but, you know, I just,
like I said, all the, you know,
everything was there that I ever wanted,
and so I just, you know, stayed.
We would drink every night and do all that,
and then they had their Christmas party, you know,
that year,
and it started at 9,
and by 8.30, I'd passed out,
you know, sitting on the only men's head in there,
you know, in the place,
and I locked the door and went in.
I didn't really pass out,
because I could hear them knocking,
you know,
and they were doing this, you know,
hey, get out of there,
and I finally just said,
you've got to come in and get me,
because I could,
and I thought that I didn't want
to get up,
but you know how you just can't,
you know, my pants were down,
and I just,
and I was leaning against the wall,
and I just couldn't get up,
and somebody came in and pulled my pants up,
and took me out,
and they just drove me home,
and at that time, my folks were divorced,
and I was living with my mother in Torrance,
and they drove me home to my mother,
and my mother was about five foot two,
and she saw me,
and she grabbed me,
and yanked me into the house,
and threw me in my room,
and threw my wingtips at me,
and called my father,
and said,
come and pick up your son,
he's just like you,
and which was a real put,
you know, it was a real put down,
you know,
now he looks pretty good,
but at that time,
you know, I mean,
it was like my father was a,
you know,
a regular,
basic fifth of the day vodka drinker,
and,
type of guy who,
you know, it's like,
I would say,
we never talked when he was sober,
and if we bumped into each other,
we just kind of apologized,
but then once he,
once he started drinking,
you know, he was a different guy,
you know,
all he wanted to do was put his arm around me,
and tell me how much he loved me,
and,
and I don't know what the deal was,
but he would just go,
you know, he'd say,
you were planned,
and,
now I never got that one,
at that time,
but until I got married,
and had a couple of kids,
and I planned them in the last stroke myself,
I think,
you know,
kind of deal,
but,
you know,
but he would tell me that,
and,
you know,
and he goes,
you're a love child,
and he,
but he was,
like I was saying,
he was drinking,
but he,
and he was,
sneezing,
you know,
he was one of the,
he'd eat spaghetti,
and sneeze,
you know,
he had to over,
over pepper it,
and he'd just start sneezing,
and sneezing,
and,
and,
you know,
and drooling,
and it was like,
and I used to think,
I'll never drink vodka,
I'll never drink vodka,
you know,
that kind of thing,
and I almost never did,
you know,
if I could help it,
I'd drink anything else,
but,
the thing about it is,
he lived in Hermosa Beach,
and he lived from about here,
from the lobby,
from the stand,
and,
and I moved in with him,
and I had that,
you know,
I was hung over,
and he handed me,
like I,
some grape juice,
or something in the morning,
he says,
here,
drink this,
it'll make it,
you know,
feel better,
and,
or at least,
it'll wipe that taste out of your mouth,
and,
and I drank that,
and,
and,
we,
we made eye contact,
and,
we had a great agreement down there,
I handled all the cleaning,
and he handled the cooking,
you know,
we had those,
frozen,
steaks,
and they'd throw them in a frying pan,
and cook them up,
and then,
you know,
we'd throw them on paper plates,
and,
I'd throw them,
those in the trash,
and,
we were done,
but I,
but I learned to surf,
you know,
I mean,
it was the 60's,
I learned to surf down there,
and,
in Hermosa Beach,
and,
and I learned how,
you know,
the important things in life down there,
I learned how to stake out the liquor store,
and,
you know,
at 16,
at that time,
it was kind of funny,
at 1967,
it was easier for me to buy a kilo of pot,
than it was to get a bottle of wine,
down there,
you know,
I mean,
I could call up my buddy,
I'd call Barry up,
and say,
you know,
what do you got,
and he'd say,
I got a,
you know,
a kilo of Mexican bee weed,
I'd go,
great,
you know,
that kind of stuff,
and,
but,
I would go stand at the,
I'd go stand over at the,
you know,
and say,
I want a bottle of Red Ripple,
and,
and then,
and then you always run the risk,
you know,
because,
I hated,
they had the pagan pink,
and I don't,
I don't,
I don't know what the deal is with that,
but,
I,
I had a,
a bad experience with that,
and some barbecued potato chips,
one time,
and I couldn't drink that pink,
you know,
the pagan pink stuff,
and,
you know,
it's like I,
I,
stuck on a wall,
you know,
how you do,
you know,
Red,
or Ripple White,
or Akadama,
you know,
I gave them a choice,
I said,
you know,
and,
but it also depended on finances,
because,
the small bottle of Ripple only cost 32 cents,
the,
the bigger one costed 67 cents,
and Akadama cost like a buck and a quarter,
and,
you know,
so,
it was usually the 67 cent bottle of Ripple is what I usually got,
or unless I was in a beer mood,
and,
then I would drink,
I drank Bush beer,
because everybody knows that's the,
you know,
same as Bud,
and it was three cents cheaper,
a 16 ounce can,
my father taught me these things,
you know,
it's like,
so,
you know,
it's all the same effect after you're drinking it,
you know,
I mean,
three cents is three cents,
I guess,
I don't know what,
you know,
that way,
but,
you know,
so I would drink that,
and then I,
you know,
I also believed in better living through chemistry at that time too,
so I,
I liked,
I like amphetamines,
I've always liked amphetamines,
and,
related to amphetamines,
or,
that would give you any of that kind of a boost,
you know,
because I always felt like a born Valium,
you know,
I mean,
I never,
I never wanted to get out of where I was,
you know,
I mean,
when I was,
you know,
when I was sitting there,
I would never leave,
I never wanted to do anything,
but you take amphetamines,
and,
it made me spontaneous,
you know,
I mean,
it made me want to do things,
and,
you know,
I mean,
I had the whole thing all fixed,
figured out,
you know,
what I should do to get up,
and get going,
and kind of just,
you know,
crack your back,
kind of thing,
you know,
and,
and I'd start grinding my teeth,
and then I'd,
I'd drink a little alcohol,
you know,
drink that wine,
would loosen my jaws,
and,
give me a little spit,
and,
and then I'd smoke pot to appreciate the arts,
you know,
kind of thing,
and that's,
and that's all I ever wanted to do,
that's all I ever wanted to do,
was just to have that perfect mixture,
where,
you know,
I'm going,
and I was drinking my wine,
and,
you know,
smoking,
joint,
and,
and just enjoying life,
and,
and we,
and,
and I don't know,
and then I always wanted to go somewhere,
you know,
I'd go,
let's go to Hollywood,
you know,
we'd drive to Hollywood,
you know,
and everybody would go,
oh,
man,
I don't want to go to Hollywood again,
but we would go to Hollywood,
it would be so loaded that we'd,
we'd find,
we'd do stuff like go to movies,
you know,
so loaded that you just,
I would just walk up,
and,
and fortunately,
they always had good-hearted girls working there,
I guess,
you know,
but you'd walk up to the,
to the,
to the window,
and you'd just go like this,
and they'd just look at you and go,
one?
And I,
you know,
I'd nod,
and they'd take the money,
and they'd give me the change,
and then you'd,
you know,
you'd walk to the candy stand,
and you'd just go,
and,
and they'd go,
Coke?
You know,
and then you'd get something so chewy
that you couldn't stand it,
and you'd think,
oh,
man,
I've been chewing this all night,
and,
and stuff,
and then you'd go into this movie
and laugh your head off
until somebody behind you would go,
hey,
shut up!
You know,
it's like,
and then I couldn't,
you know,
and then I couldn't look up the rest of the night,
you know,
I mean,
like that kind of a deal,
but,
but that's all I ever wanted to do.
That's all I ever,
if there was anything,
if I could still do that right now,
I would do that.
I think,
you know,
and,
back to Hermosa,
and,
and I did that every weekend,
and then I,
you know,
when there was cruising,
and then,
you know,
and every day during the summer,
and,
around this time,
my,
my mother moved back in with us,
and my mother was a blackout drinker.
She was kind of,
and I say,
she wasn't really that violent,
but she was kind of the profane one in the family.
You know,
I mean,
she'd have a couple of drinks,
actually,
she'd have a couple of drinks
and she'd turn into Linda Blair,
you know,
where she'd go,
.
Her head would twist,
and she'd go,
oh,
put those socks there.
You know,
I mean,
she'd just go,
.
She would just go nuts,
and she'd,
she'd come like she was going to slap me and stuff,
and,
and I don't know,
but,
you know,
it'd be one of those things where,
we had a,
we had a side door like that,
and,
you know,
there'd be things,
there was always something,
I'd go,
I thought there was a lamp here,
and,
and we would just look outside,
oh,
okay.
And,
or stuff like that,
or my father had the,
he had the habit,
he had a bad problem of playing,
playing a,
a song,
over,
and over,
and over again.
And if he liked one little riff,
he would play that over.
He'd go,
oh,
listen to this,
listen to this,
.
And then he'd play that one little riff,
you know,
a little piano,
you know,
deal or,
you know,
or something.
And,
and we'd go,
oh,
yeah,
.
And then he'd ask my mother,
he'd say,
you know,
he'd make the fatal mistake.
He'd say,
what did you think of that song,
honey?
And she'd go,
I'll show you.
And she'd walk over,
she'd walk over the record player,
and just go,
and just start,
popping records.
And,
and she,
you know,
I mean,
she'd just go crazy,
and just,
and break off all the records.
And,
and it would be like a,
it would always be one of those times
when I wasn't there,
when,
when she would break everything
in a green jacket,
and it would be the night
that I'd come home
ready to listen
to a little Jethro Tull.
And,
and I think,
you know,
there'd just be a jacket.
I thought,
what did I do with that?
You know,
I mean,
it's like,
you know,
one of those things.
And then we'd look outside,
there'd just be a pile of records
out in the back,
you know,
threw them down there.
But,
now what,
what,
the great thing about that is,
is,
and we were talking about this tonight,
CDs have come out now,
right?
Nobody even knows what records are,
but CDs,
you know,
I've got my kids
in the car,
and I go,
here,
kids,
listen to this.
And I just,
I put it in a Gada Da Vida,
or something,
you know,
and I make them listen to this.
I go,
listen,
no,
listen to this.
And I'd play that riff
over and over and over again.
And I,
you know,
I mean,
I kind of think I'm like passing
something down to them now,
you know?
It's like,
my father did it for us,
and for me,
and I can do it to my kids now,
and,
you know,
I loaded up a,
I got one of those six disc changer
type of things.
I loaded a Frank Sinatra in there.
And it's their,
it was their favorite,
for this one year,
it was their favorite.
We always had to play,
you know,
had to play that.
And when my old man came out,
I said,
oh,
here,
let me turn this on.
They know all the words
to all the songs.
It's really great.
You know,
in fact,
it's a great album.
Maybe Keith's got it back there.
He's got a bunch of CDs.
Song for Swinging Lovers
by Frank Sinatra.
I swear,
it's the greatest.
My kid,
my daughter,
I got married here recently,
and my daughter lip synced it,
or did a karaoke thing on it.
Knew all the,
you know,
one of the songs all the way.
Make me feel so young.
So,
big deal,
right?
So,
I'm living in Hermosa.
My mother's flipped.
My father is drinking,
you know,
he's drunk.
I,
and,
so,
what I would do is,
is,
you know,
I would,
I would,
you know,
I would,
you know,
my father would come home drunk,
or come home,
and then get drunk,
and then my mother would snap,
and I'd freak,
and I would go out,
I'd disable my father's car,
so he couldn't drive,
and I would get in my mother's car,
and I would cruise around,
and I could drive,
and,
you know,
I would just,
you know,
I'd go and sneak out the liquor store,
get my wine,
drive around,
and I would drink my wine,
and then,
and drink,
and at that time,
I was only drinking to go to sleep,
you know,
kind of thing,
enough where I would sleep in the car,
and I would park in the alley,
my mother would also,
she would black out,
is what she would do,
she never,
you know,
she never,
she would never admit it in the morning,
she would remember what she did,
and,
and so,
she would black out,
but she would,
she was one of those,
she'd be in bed at dark,
then,
you know,
I mean,
she was in bed,
sawing logs,
and,
and stuff,
and,
so,
I would just park the car,
in the alley,
then she would get up at the crack of dawn,
and be off to work,
she'd wake up at five,
or four,
I don't know what time,
but she'd come out,
pull the door open,
my head would,
you know,
fall,
I'd startle awake,
I'd go inside,
and,
and get a couple more hours of sleep,
and then my old man would take me to school,
and,
and that's how I went through,
my junior and senior years,
and,
and,
you know,
and I mean,
it wasn't every night,
you know,
I mean,
that kind of stuff didn't happen every night,
but it,
you know,
but that's the way I remember it,
and that's what,
in 1969,
I graduated high school,
and like I said,
I,
you know,
I graduated from high school,
I didn't learn how to read or write,
basically,
you know,
and I,
and I thought,
I was sitting next to this guy,
in graduation,
wearing little caps and gowns,
and I went,
I never read a book,
and he goes,
this year?
And I go,
no,
the whole school life,
you know,
I mean,
I never,
all 12 years,
I never read a book,
and,
and,
so he,
you know,
and I,
it took me until I got to AA to realize,
you know,
when you do that stuff,
you're the one that pays the tab,
you know,
I mean,
I never,
you know,
I never knew that,
and,
and so I,
you know,
I mean,
I graduated from high school,
and I had nothing going on,
you know,
and I tried dealing dope,
and doing that kind of stuff,
and my mother,
my mother at that time,
tried,
she was also into suicide,
and,
not that bad,
but she,
but,
but one time I came home from,
and I look at it,
and I thought,
you know,
and I thought,
hey,
we're moving,
or something,
you know,
the clothes were piled,
and I looked a little closer,
and all the sleeves had been cut off all the shirts,
and all the pant legs off all the pants,
and I guess what she'd done is,
she'd,
she'd cut up all the pants,
and shirts,
and put them around the windows,
turned on the gas,
and went to bed,
and then my old man came home,
after that,
I guess,
and smelled the gas,
turned it off,
and went to bed,
and then I came home,
and saw the pile of clothes,
and like I said,
I just thought we were moving,
and,
so,
I mean,
it was like this big thing,
and,
you know,
the big suicide attempt,
and,
and then,
you know,
and then she woke up,
and wanted to know what the pant legs were doing around the windows,
you know,
so,
I mean,
it was like the,
that was the clue,
and,
so,
they went and saw the psychologist I'd seen,
eight years,
you know,
the dream therapist,
and,
and she recommended a doctor,
who recommended AA for them,
and,
they got sober,
and,
and that year,
my father,
my father got sober in 69,
my mother got sober January 1st of 70,
a whole decade apart,
they were,
three days,
and,
but they got sober,
and,
and things changed,
you know,
it was like all of a sudden,
everything changed,
and,
and I was always,
you know,
I'd been into all this,
you know,
this negative excitement that was going on,
we'd have all these big,
you know,
exciting things,
you know,
you know,
and then all of a sudden,
it was like,
we're going to a meeting,
and,
and I think,
so,
you know,
I mean,
I just,
I didn't know what they were doing,
and they just went off,
and I,
you know,
I just went off,
and,
and myself,
and started,
you know,
really hammering it,
and my folks moved out of that place,
and left it to me,
and,
I was there,
through,
you know,
through that year,
and,
and then I took a,
a friend of mine,
and we went to,
and we,
so we drove to Corpus Christi,
Texas,
to find out,
they don't have any waves in the Gulf Coast,
you know,
again,
only when it's hurricane season,
and,
and I,
you know,
and it wasn't,
you know,
at that time,
so we got down there,
and they didn't have any,
they,
they had this stuff called Everclear,
which was,
you know,
which was nice,
because you could just buy a small bottle,
and it,
you know,
and I always wore,
I had like,
these suede coats that I always wore,
little corduroy coats,
and I just would keep them,
keep a bottle with me,
and,
and,
you know,
we were down there,
and this guy's mother asked him,
they asked me if it was necessary that I drink in the mornings in the house,
you know,
and I thought,
you know,
I mean,
I had long hair in Texas in the 60s,
and it seemed like even the women wanted to kick my ass down there,
and I thought,
you bet it's necessary that I drink while I'm here,
and,
and so,
this guy's mother hurt my feelings,
and basically,
so we came back home,
and we came home,
and,
and,
but I had big plans,
I'd always have plans,
and then they'd get derailed because of that kind of stuff,
and so I came home,
and then I moved back in with my folks,
and they started the ultimatums,
you know,
you know,
get a job,
get a haircut,
or get out,
type of thing,
and,
and I was dealing dope out of the garage when my,
my father found it all,
and,
and,
and freaked out,
called a sponsor,
and,
and the sponsor said,
I think,
I think his sponsor used something like,
get rid of the little bastard,
I think it was his way of putting it,
and,
and so he did,
he sent me,
he gave me a ticket to Hawaii,
and I went to Hawaii,
which was,
which was really a bummer,
huh?
But I,
you know,
I took a surfboard over there that looked great,
but didn't float me,
and I never realized you had to paddle a mile,
and,
you know,
to get out,
and,
you know,
I got over there,
and I just,
you know,
I just,
you know,
I turned into a vegetable there,
and I just took a lot of drugs,
and drank,
and,
you know,
the great thing about Hawaii is they had,
and I don't even know if it's that good a beer,
but they call it primo beer,
you know what I mean?
It just sounds great,
but,
you know,
everybody,
some people I,
I was talking to,
they think,
oh,
it's just ordinary beer,
well,
it's got a great name,
and,
so we just drank primo beer,
and I went on the ganja diet while I was there,
and,
and that's where you buy,
you,
I worked,
I'd buy 50 bucks worth of food,
I get paid 100 bucks,
I get,
which is,
for you who don't know,
which is really great pot,
and then I'd come home,
we'd smoke the ganja on Friday night,
eat everything in the refrigerator,
and then the rest of the week,
I just drank beer and ate oatmeal,
and,
lost about 20 pounds in three months,
you know what I mean?
It just fell off me,
and,
and,
but I was,
but I was trying to read while I was over there.
I realized that I better start reading,
and everybody was talking about The Hobbit,
and,
so I was trying to read The Hobbit,
and I was taking these little orange barrels
while I was there,
and,
and this guy turned into a hobbit right in front of my eyes,
and,
and I thought,
I got to get out of here,
so I called up Hank,
I said,
can I come home,
and he said,
what happened to the,
the,
you know,
the round ticket part of that thing,
and I said,
I sold it when I got there,
and he reluctantly brought me home,
and started me on the circuit,
you know,
the,
you know,
why don't you come and hear this speaker,
you know,
tonight with me,
you know,
and,
you know,
I started talking to all of his buddies,
you know,
and they would give me the haircut job,
you know,
I would never hire anybody that I knew took dope,
you know,
kind of thing,
and,
and stuff,
and,
you know,
and I just,
you know,
I would turn on the aha machine,
and,
and get that thousand mile stare,
and,
you know,
not pay attention,
and then,
you know,
and that uncanny ability to turn,
you know,
to come back right when he was finishing,
but,
you know,
my dad would take me to meet,
I,
I heard Norm Alpey,
and Clancy,
and Johnny Ackerlin,
and back,
you know,
he goes,
oh,
you got to hear these speakers,
I hear them,
I think,
you know,
it was great,
but it,
none of that applied to me,
you know,
I was 18 years old,
19 years old,
and,
so,
I,
I went right out,
and got a job working in Sears,
in the tire department,
which was a great job,
I love that job,
I love the glue you can sniff,
and they lost money on me there,
I'll tell you that,
so,
I'd break,
you know,
I'd break open a new can of glue,
when I got there,
and I handled all the tire repairs,
and,
and I just,
you know,
and I,
and I,
and I knew it was killing brain,
and I think,
I wonder how many brain cells this is killing,
and I would just sniff that stuff,
until I started,
until I started to melt,
and,
and I thought,
who cares,
and,
but,
around that time,
I was lying around,
I worked there from about 70 to 72,
and,
you,
you guys all probably remember the drought of 72,
when they sprayed everything with Paraquat,
and,
you know,
changed everything from lids,
to,
to stems,
or sticks,
I forget,
you know,
tie sticks,
and,
you know,
and I just,
at that time,
I just put down on everything,
and just started drinking exclusively,
and I was doing,
you know,
I had been taking so much amphetamines,
and stuff like that,
always seeing things over here,
and,
so I just put down on everything,
and just drank exclusively,
and,
and I was going to those great bars,
which are like 50 cent pitcher bars,
you know,
kind of thing,
where you order a pitcher,
and the glass is optional,
and,
you know,
and you drink those,
and think,
you know,
and think,
when I finish this,
I'm going to ask her to dance,
you know,
kind of deal,
and,
the only problem with those,
is they got a lip on them,
you know,
kind of an,
you know,
you get that lip,
and go,
oh man,
it fall down the front of me,
and I think,
ah,
just give me another pitcher,
and,
I just drink pitchers until I was drunk,
and then go home,
and I did that,
you know,
all through my little paycheck,
you know,
and,
and would drink,
and drink,
and do that,
and,
and finally one night,
I had a car,
I had an alcoholic car,
that the brakes were going,
so I was stopping it,
with the emergency brake,
you know,
I'd pump the brakes,
and I'd stop,
you know,
you know,
and it,
but there's a big,
there's a big interchange in Santa Monica,
you come down the 10 freeway from LA,
and it's got,
then they take the 405 interchange,
towards Long Beach,
and it's a big,
big turn,
and that car always wanted me to go off it,
it always,
you know,
whenever I'd be on that turn,
I always thought,
I'm just,
today,
I'm going to let him go,
and,
and just launch,
but I was,
I was always afraid,
my mom could never pull it off,
and I thought,
I'd just injure myself badly,
and,
you know,
but,
but every time I took that,
it was always the thought,
you know,
I thought,
I just couldn't stand where I was,
and what was going on,
and what,
you know,
where my life was,
and,
you know,
all that,
that stuff,
and,
and around this time,
my father took me to a Tuesday night,
Ohio Street meeting,
and I met a man there,
named Art Cole,
who changed my life,
and he,
I'd been,
you know,
I've been lectured all my life,
by well-meaning principals,
and counselors,
and teachers,
and,
and everything,
and it was funny,
I,
I listened to Art Cole,
and he said,
if you change your actions,
your attitude will change,
and for some reason,
I,
I heard that,
or whatever,
and,
and I said,
well,
how do I do that,
and he said,
he,
he's a lefty,
he,
he said,
he wrote down his name,
and his number,
and he said,
call me tomorrow,
and I'll give you an action,
and,
and,
so,
I called him the next day,
and he gave me an action,
and I did it,
and I started taking these actions,
and,
I didn't get sober right away,
I was still having a,
you know,
a bout with rum and coke in the morning,
and,
and stuff like that,
and getting drunk,
but,
I,
I went for a couple of weeks calling him,
and he hooked me that way,
and finally one night,
I,
I stopped to have one,
and I ended up drunk in this bar,
and I had a date that night,
and never made it to the date,
and I called up Art,
and I said,
I don't know what happened,
I just,
you know,
I just stopped for one,
and he said,
it sounds like you have a problem with living,
Matt,
and he said,
what I suggest you do is try going to 30 AA meetings,
and if you decide to go,
be considerate of the alcoholics,
and don't drink or take any drugs,
do you think you can do that?
I said,
yeah,
I think I can give it a,
you know,
a try,
and I did,
I came,
I was,
I started going,
I was like Mr. Enthusiastic,
I would sit in the front row,
and,
and,
lead the applause,
you know,
kind of thing,
and,
and then at the end of the meeting,
when the,
they were adjusting their belt,
and I would have a row of chairs put away,
and,
you know,
I mean,
I was like just into it,
and I thought,
God,
this AA is great,
and then it was like about 38 days,
I realized I was only 21,
and I thought,
what am I doing here?
You know,
I mean,
you look around the group,
there wasn't much,
you know,
I mean,
they were all bald and wore glasses,
you know,
or stuff like that.
We wear contacts,
I guess,
huh?
You know,
I mean,
it just,
you know,
I didn't belong,
and,
you know,
so I went out and had a three,
you know,
I did,
I had a three-day drunk,
really is what I did,
I had a slip,
and I went out and,
and I had a beer,
I just started,
I thought,
oh,
I'll just have a beer,
and next thing I knew,
it was Sunday,
and I was sitting in a chair,
and my body,
you know,
like,
you know,
my body was drunk,
but my mind wouldn't turn off,
and I'd been drinking for the three days,
and I thought,
what am I doing?
This isn't the answer either,
and I called up Art,
and I said,
I've got another bunch of stuff to do,
he said,
what I,
he goes,
what I want you to do,
he goes,
well,
I want you to go to three new people you don't know,
stick out your hand and say,
hi,
my name is Matt,
what is your name,
and then make small talk,
and I said,
yeah,
that's great,
Art,
but by that time,
I'd reduced my small talk down to,
have you scored anything lately,
and I'm hungry,
and,
you know what I mean,
and that was about it,
and,
and he said,
I'll tell you what,
he said,
I'll teach you the key to conversation,
in 15 minutes,
you know,
truth,
and the trick to that one,
is to stay sober long enough,
to learn how to get away from them,
you know,
so,
so that's what I did,
you know,
I mean,
I just,
you know,
I stayed sober,
and,
and I was no,
you know,
I,
I realized that I belonged here,
and I sensed that,
that thing that you get here,
where you sense that there could be something here for you,
that could change your life,
or,
or there,
there's a certain,
I sensed this air of success in here,
you know,
I mean,
I know people are dropping off and dying,
you know,
as you're paddling along here,
but,
there's also a lot of incredibly successful people,
and not just the ones that make it to the stage,
you know,
I mean,
there's a lot of people that just do a lot of work,
around here,
that are unsung,
that go to a lot of meetings,
and read the big book to people,
and stuff like that,
and,
and work a job,
and are successful parents,
and all that kind of stuff,
and I,
but,
and I could sense that,
and I stayed,
and people would come up to me and go,
you're so young,
you have the rest of your life ahead of you,
and I'd think,
yeah,
great,
only 40 or 50 more years of this shit,
you know,
you know,
so,
but I,
you know,
I came,
I kept coming back,
and,
and I got sober on May 27th, 1973,
and I haven't had anything since,
and if I,
I make it to,
to May here,
I'll have 26 years,
and I'm in society,
and,
not,
not 29 years,
but it's,
not bad,
I,
so,
I,
yeah,
I came here,
I,
like I said,
I didn't feel like I fit in here,
but I,
I kept coming,
and,
and I didn't do a thing my first year and a half,
but just come to meetings,
and,
you know,
and spread the disease,
pretty much,
and,
and I knew everything about everybody,
you know what I mean,
and I let you know it,
and I let everybody else know it,
you know,
you know about Jimmy,
you know what I mean,
I'd have,
he's got golf clubs,
you know,
but I knew who was with who,
and all that stuff,
and,
and I would,
you know,
and,
you know,
and I was not a good member,
and,
so,
but it took me a while,
and finally,
I went to this meeting,
I was,
I was sneaking in the back of a meeting,
that had a big coffee pot in the back,
and all I wanted was a cup of coffee,
Starbucks days,
and,
and,
this little meeting called 26 and Broadway,
and I snuck into the back,
and on the,
on the porch,
in the back,
was this guy named Cecil,
and he goes,
and I said,
hi Cecil,
and he goes,
hey Matt,
meet Cecil,
there was two guys there,
they were both named Cecil,
and I thought,
God,
you know,
it was pretty funny,
I laughed,
or whatever,
but Cecil had an overcoat on,
the one Cecil,
and he had been sent there by the National Council,
and he was going to try AA,
and if it didn't work,
he had to eat leaves to get by,
you know,
that's how far he was,
you know,
where he was at,
and,
and so I said,
hey Cecil,
why don't you meet me tomorrow night,
at the Thursday night meeting,
and I'll introduce you to,
you know,
the,
the group over there,
and he met me at that meeting,
and it started a friendship,
and,
you know,
that's lasted now 25 years,
but,
inadvertently,
I started,
you know,
doing work on the,
you know,
the program here,
and I grabbed Cecil,
Cecil didn't have a car,
he worked,
he worked at a shampoo factory,
and,
and his feet were rotten off,
from standing in water all day,
you know,
it was like,
really gnarly,
and,
you know,
kind of thing,
so I,
you know,
I would pick him up,
he didn't have a car,
and I would pick him up,
and drive him,
and then,
I was his,
like,
pseudo-sponsor,
and I would interpret,
what his sponsor would tell him,
you know,
I'd say,
Cecil,
he didn't say you couldn't go to the dance,
afterwards,
he just said he'd like you to go home,
you know,
kind of thing,
you know,
and then his sponsor would get all pissed off at him the next day,
and,
and just ream him right there,
and I'd go,
you know,
kind of deal,
I would do that,
but,
you know,
I was helping him,
but,
the,
the great thing about it was,
I wasn't thinking about me,
you know,
all I thought about was,
oh man,
I gotta go pick up Cecil,
and we're going to that meeting,
you know,
and I did that,
and,
and,
I got,
at that time,
I got here,
and fortunately,
right in,
like,
74 or something,
they came out with it on tape,
and so I listened to it,
and,
and,
did,
you know,
did it that way,
I learned to read,
in my,
though,
in my 20s,
pretty much,
or,
or forced myself to learn how to read,
Edgar Rice,
Burroughs,
Tarzan books,
and,
I'd sit,
in fact,
I'd sit in meetings and think,
I wonder if I could swing from chandelier to chandelier,
you know,
you know,
but I started reading those little,
you know,
cheesy novels,
and,
and,
and,
you know,
beefed my way up all the way to big book,
and,
you know,
so I can,
you know,
I can read now,
pretty good,
but,
now,
now,
just to bring that up to date,
my son,
I have a 13 year old son,
who was diagnosed with dyslexia,
and ADD,
and they said,
who's the carrier,
you know,
and the family,
and,
they said,
and I came in,
and took the dyslexic,
you know,
20 questions,
and ADD,
and the woman said,
you know,
you have all the symptoms,
and,
and that,
so now,
you know,
it's like,
that's like the answer,
you know,
now I know why,
I was,
you know,
I had all that potential,
but couldn't apply myself,
it wasn't that I,
you know,
it just looked like,
somebody handed me the paper,
it was just upside down,
it just made no sense,
and,
and stuff,
and she said,
I'll give you a prescription,
for dexedrine,
and you take a half a milligram,
and I thought,
great,
and then eight days later,
when I'm calling the pharmacist,
for another 30,
you know,
after being up the whole time,
you know,
and this is what I'm thinking in my head,
and I said,
you know what,
I think I'll do it without it,
but,
you know,
but,
you know,
she was going through all the symptoms,
she said,
you know,
a lot of them have alcoholism,
you know,
like,
she was being secretive about it,
and I thought,
really,
you know,
I mean,
that kind of stuff,
so,
so,
but it was always in the back of my head,
you know,
you know,
all I need to do is take a half a milligram,
and that'll probably,
that's probably the answer,
and about five months ago,
I'm sitting at my regular Friday night meeting,
and I get this tap,
you know,
a guy taps me on the back,
and it's a guy that I've known since,
since 82,
and he goes,
he goes,
I need a sponsor really bad,
and he's like this,
and,
and I said,
geez,
John,
what happened,
and I said,
well,
I was on CBD,
and they put me on dexedrine,
and he said,
they started off with a half,
you know,
half a milligram,
he said,
I was up to 15 milligrams a day,
within,
you know,
within a month,
and,
and he said,
he had,
he had dime-sized calluses on the ends of his finger from playing the guitar all night,
you know,
I mean,
that's all he did,
he just played the guitar,
and,
you know,
just to kind of get through it,
and,
and I thought,
great,
because this thing was sitting in the back of my mind all the time,
and,
you know,
and so,
I know that isn't,
he's,
you know,
I,
I got that blessing,
and I still sponsor the guy,
and he's crazy,
and a loon,
but,
but I,
you know,
I mean,
I'm just grateful,
and,
and,
and I'm grateful for my son,
who at 13 can already read better,
and,
and write,
and,
and do all the stuff that I couldn't do,
that I always felt was a,
was a,
and stuff,
so,
but I learned in AA,
about life,
everything that I learned in AA is applied to my outside life,
you know,
I mean,
I learned how to be,
I learned how to be genuine,
you know,
not to,
not to joke everybody,
how to listen to somebody,
and listen to somebody's problem,
and,
and offer a solution,
if I had it,
you know,
I mean,
I could,
I could be serious,
I didn't have to cut him down,
and I learned how,
you know,
I was,
I got fired a bunch of times,
from my first,
you know,
I had to,
I took my inventory,
I had to make amends to Sears,
you know,
did my steps,
and,
and then had to make amends to Sears,
for why I was there,
and,
I had all the,
you know,
I had all this incredibly important stuff,
that I stole from him,
I,
you know,
stuff that I never used,
and would never fence,
really,
I,
I don't know,
I stole a great stereo,
tape,
and,
but I never installed it,
I just kept it under my front seat,
and it was like,
one of those things where,
it never flew out from under the seat,
unless I had somebody from Sears in the car,
you know what I mean,
and,
you know,
it would just fly out,
I'd think,
oh shit,
I'd push it back in,
and,
you know,
and,
but I stole that,
and I stole the,
a Bomar Brain,
which was the first calculators,
we were selling those for a hundred and a quarter,
and I thought,
I'll sell it to somebody,
and never did,
and,
I made,
Art told me,
he goes,
you gotta make amends to Sears,
and,
my,
even my father came to me,
and said,
you know,
let's wait a second here,
and,
and,
I,
and,
but Art said,
you know,
he goes,
we'll write it down,
and we'll contact him,
and,
and,
cause I,
I reminded him also that,
you know,
Sears prosecutes for a drill bit,
you know,
they kept just stealing it,
and,
and he said,
you know,
I paid him money,
but didn't prosecute,
and,
I,
I paid him off,
and,
and,
and,
but it was one of those amends that I never paid right off,
you know,
where I just started making payments,
and I thought,
I don't need the money,
what am I,
you know,
you know how I kind of cycle back out of this sincere part,
and,
you know,
work the steps,
you know,
and you're really into it,
and then you're kind of out of it about the fourth payment,
you know,
I'm thinking,
oh man,
and,
but all my meetings were right around the Sears,
and I never made a light,
you know,
as long as I owe them money,
you know what I mean,
I'd always stop,
and it was one of those,
it had two sections,
it had the main section over here,
then the automotive section across the street,
you know,
so I'd always be sitting there,
and I'd always be the first one in line,
and there'd always be somebody that I knew,
that would walk by,
you know,
and I'd think,
oh man,
and,
and then I heard somebody talk about it,
that,
and he goes,
I don't know why,
I don't,
I got the money in the bank,
and I don't know why I didn't make the amends,
I just,
you know,
like to carry these things along,
and,
so I called him up,
and I,
and I called this guy up,
and I said,
hi,
this is Matt Johnson,
you wouldn't happen to remember how much I owe you,
and it was like,
he went,
oh yeah,
Matt,
you owe $600 still,
and I went,
you know,
so,
I paid him off,
and,
and,
and they didn't even send me a thank you note,
but,
you know,
but it was another,
but it was a piece of luggage that I got to cut off,
and not have to drag behind me,
and,
you know,
I have to learn those kind of lessons,
I guess that's what it is,
you know,
I mean,
I don't get to just get it,
you know,
oh,
you make amends,
okay,
and you just get rid of it,
and okay,
great,
you know,
I mean,
I got to carry that kind of stuff,
and I still do that,
you know,
I mean,
for whatever reason,
I got to saddle up my character defects,
and ride them until they're wet,
and,
you know,
then put them into that barn,
and,
you know,
and then go back and make amends for it,
but,
you know,
that's what it's like,
and I've been there for 23 years,
and I was just the perfect match,
and the great,
it was selling Volkswagen parts,
this is a busy little podium we got here,
a little too much stuff here,
you know,
I,
you know,
I was selling Volkswagen parts,
it was just a bunch of part numbers,
and a bunch of German auto houses,
you know,
I mean,
I learned how to spell auto house,
and I was,
you know,
set,
you know,
and I just had to look on the map,
oh,
German auto house Fresno,
you know,
that kind of thing,
and then write down 113-105-701,
for five,
and,
you know,
I mean,
it was just,
I did that,
and it turned out I had a knack for it,
and it's been a great job,
and I've been blessed,
I,
in my prayer and meditation,
every morning,
I thank my higher power for that,
and,
and so,
when I do it every morning,
you know,
you know,
what's funny is,
I never knew when to meditate,
so,
it says,
ask him in your morning meditation,
what you can do each day,
and I thought,
wow,
in the morning,
you know,
there's a lot of stuff in here,
I always remember,
I got,
I had Clancy for a sponsor,
I had,
I had a wonderful first 10 years,
I had Clancy for a sponsor,
and,
and,
and played softball,
and did all the stuff,
and,
I had a great time,
and,
I had 10 years sobriety,
I switched sponsors to,
to John,
and,
and,
and,
and,
and,
John A.,
John A. Ackerlin,
and,
and he was,
he's a wonderful man,
I,
I was in a relationship,
I got married in sobriety,
and,
it was in a crazy relationship,
and,
I would call him up,
and I'd say,
I'm just nuts,
you know,
I,
you know,
or I'd take him out,
and do some,
and wine,
and dine him,
you know,
he'd eat,
and I'd wine,
you know,
you know what you did this time,
you know,
that kind of stuff,
and,
understanding,
and love,
and I'd think,
God,
where does he get these,
you know,
and then I'd go to the book study,
right,
you know,
and it,
it's only in there about 15 times,
and,
you know,
and so I'd just apply that stuff,
or,
he'd say,
replace fear with faith,
you know,
and,
and I'd have to do that,
and,
you know,
I mean,
it,
it just,
it would cycle,
and,
and I've been blessed over the years,
with,
and it always,
it,
it always coincides,
I'd,
their problems seem to always coincide with stuff that's current with me,
and I can't give them direction,
on that stuff,
if I'm not doing it,
you know,
kind of,
you know,
kind of thing,
and,
or at least I can't do it with a good conscience,
and,
and stuff,
and,
you know,
so I always,
you know,
and,
and I come from that school,
that unless you've,
you know,
experienced it,
then you either,
you know,
it goes back to the old thing,
you know,
where,
you will intuitively know,
and,
I intuitively know things that I,
you know,
had no clue,
you know,
that I had,
and stuff comes out of my mouth at times,
that I,
I thought,
where did that come from?
You know,
I've just absorbed it,
and,
you know,
from being in here,
and,
and I've been blessed,
I,
although,
at 20 years of sobriety,
my wife,
who had been in Al-Anon for 16 years,
dropped out of Al-Anon,
and,
and just spun out,
and,
turned into,
you know,
Jekyll and Hyde,
in that sense,
and it was like,
a big wedge was whacked between us,
and,
and,
you know,
she was,
and she would say stuff,
and,
and this one night she said that,
she goes,
she goes,
why can't you just come,
and,
you know,
over to Bob's house,
and sit in the hot tub,
and just have wine,
and,
you know,
and just relax,
and I thought,
hmm,
you know,
why can't I?
And,
and,
and I thought,
you know what,
because I can't,
and,
and,
you know,
and I didn't,
and,
and we finally,
fell apart,
and,
and it was like,
and,
and I thought,
you know what,
no big deal,
you know,
I have,
I have this faith in my higher power,
I mean,
you know,
the other thing I love about AA is,
is that I've been able to invent my own higher power,
you know,
a God as I understand him,
and,
and,
and I have a faith in my higher power,
that he won't lead me down a path that there is,
you know,
that I won't get through,
and,
and I know,
and I knew,
you know,
intellectually you know that,
on paper,
it's great,
until you get in the middle of a divorce,
and then you think,
you know,
you know,
I'd take a bullet for my kids,
but if she was next to me,
I'd pull her in front of me,
and let her take the bullet,
you know,
that kind of stuff,
you know,
it's like all changed now,
and,
you know,
so,
and I started going through all this stuff,
and then I found out she had a boyfriend,
and,
you know,
and I,
I threatened them,
and,
and,
but on the other,
the flip side of that was,
I was happy that she was out of there,
because,
you know,
you know,
I love AA,
and my life is AA,
I have AA people over my house,
I've got people calling me all the time,
that's my life,
and,
and she didn't like that,
anymore,
and,
and I have to be here,
the way I look at it,
and,
and she was out,
but I stayed bitter for a long time,
it was very,
you know,
in my morning meditation,
I pray for her,
you know,
too,
and,
and stuff,
but,
I thought I would never end up,
you know,
I,
I,
you know,
would ever find anybody else,
or,
you know,
I thought,
oh,
you know,
everybody goes,
oh,
well,
bigger,
you know,
well-meaning people come up to you,
and you go,
oh,
don't worry,
Matt,
you know,
and,
and,
and,
you know,
which was fine,
but I just,
there was no chemistry,
you know,
kind of thing,
so,
you know,
I,
I kind of made up some ideas,
I tried to date some women that were in LA,
I live in Santa Barbara,
and that's 90 miles away,
you know,
and I thought,
I don't want to date anybody in their 30s,
I don't want to date anybody in,
with kids,
or,
you know,
with young kids,
and,
and,
I'm not going to date anybody in LA,
and,
you know,
25th birthday party,
at,
down there,
and I'm sitting there talking to this guy,
Dan,
and we're talking,
and,
and,
this girl walks up,
and says,
oh,
Matt,
how are you,
and I look at her,
and it's Stephanie,
and she lives in LA,
and is in her 30s,
and has twin five-year-olds,
and,
and I went,
oh,
Stephanie,
can I get your number,
you know,
the sparks were flying,
you know what I mean,
and,
and she goes,
oh,
you sure you want to drive down to LA,
and I go,
oh,
I love driving,
and,
you know,
and,
and I love,
I love small children,
you know,
kind of like,
so,
watch out,
you know,
so,
so,
I,
you know,
we started dating,
and,
and I,
and five months ago,
we got married,
and,
and she moved up to Santa Barbara,
and we have a great deal,
and,
and,
I,
you know,
I had to wait for her to get her ten years,
you know,
she's,
I didn't want to date,
I didn't want to marry a newcomer,
and,
but ten years of sobriety,
and,
and stuff,
and,
you know,
I mean,
we,
and,
and now,
we're still newlyweds,
so,
you know,
I mean,
see me in five years,
and,
no,
I,
you know what,
I,
we really,
I haven't had this,
I,
I've never had this kind of a relationship,
you know,
where I didn't want to come in,
and,
there,
there wasn't a list of twenty things that needed to be fixed,
you know,
whether,
or any of that stuff,
you know,
I mean,
I thought,
well,
she'll just work on this as soon as we're married,
I know,
you know,
and I mean,
right,
huh?
So,
you know,
so we have a really good thing,
and,
you know,
our kids have all blended,
and,
you know,
and,
and doing all that stuff,
and,
and we have a great,
you know,
we have a really good thing,
we go to meetings,
and we're both active,
and we both sponsor people,
and,
you know,
it's just nice,
it,
it's really nice,
and I still have to deal with my,
you know,
my ex,
and,
and that's hard,
and she's got an ex,
in fact,
her ex I used to play softball with,
and,
you know,
AA,
all these AA tournaments,
and,
he was the left fielder,
and I was the pitcher,
and it all works out,
and,
you know,
I,
I,
you know,
I look back on my life,
and there's,
there's a lot of stuff,
you know,
I had a funny situation,
I got on a plane this morning,
and there was a guy,
that looked familiar to me,
and,
his profile,
and,
and he said,
oh,
I'm from Torrance,
he was telling some guy ahead of him,
it turned out,
I went to elementary school,
and high school with the guy,
and,
we were,
we were talking about,
you know,
just,
you know,
my perception of high school,
I never fit in,
I never belonged,
I,
you know,
I started surfing,
and then I,
I kind of got my own little clique of guys,
that I hung out with,
and I hate,
you know,
I just didn't belong,
and I was naive,
and all of that kind of stuff,
and he goes,
God,
you know,
I told him,
I don't know why I told him,
that's going under there,
and I don't know,
you know,
I kind of like started opening up a little bit to him,
and he goes,
man,
he goes,
that's funny,
he goes,
that's funny,
you know,
kind of thing,
and I thought,
geez,
you know,
when I,
when I look back,
you know,
it's like,
when you're removed,
you know,
I mean,
I,
you know,
I never felt like I,
you know,
knew what was happening,
until,
really,
until now,
I've got life experience,
I've got a lot of time,
you know,
I've been able to,
I've gone through a lot of problems,
and,
and had a,
and I've been blessed with a whole bunch of sobriety in my life,
and,
and it's,
it's,
you know,
I've always been,
I'm obsessed with everything,
I've always been obsessed with everything,
whether it be,
you know,
whether it was drugs,
and alcohol,
or sex,
and surfing,
and,
you know,
ESPN,
and Haagen-Dazs ice cream,
and,
you know,
the only thing I've ever learned to work to moderation was the steps,
you know,
things like,
but,
you know,
but I know today,
that,
you know,
that it's up to me,
that it,
that I have a choice today,
I can be as successful as I want to,
and,
and I didn't know that,
I always thought I had to be a loser,
you know,
I mean,
I know how to be a loser,
I know how to not pay my,
my taxes,
or rent,
or car payment,
or,
you know,
insurance,
or not call her back,
or,
you know,
say I'll be somewhere and not show,
ad infinitum,
you know,
all of that stuff,
and I know how to do that,
you know,
not fall in the rut and furnish it,
you know,
kind of thing,
you know,
kind of stuff,
but one of the hardest things to do,
is to,
is to be successful,
and,
and I don't mean financially,
I mean,
you know,
the things that you learn in AA,
that,
you know,
the,
you know,
successfully comfortable in my life,
you know,
I have a,
I have a successful relationship with my higher power,
you know,
today,
and,
and I have a,
you know,
I have a successful relationship with my father,
oh,
you know,
my mother died 13 years ago,
and,
and it was one of those things where I,
I didn't handle it well,
I didn't handle her sickness,
and I didn't handle her death well,
and I,
you know,
it's like a lot of people go,
oh,
they got a,
you know,
they cleared,
you know,
they cleared their side of the street before they died,
and was able to say I love you,
and all that,
you know,
and the only thing that,
the only lucky thing that happened was,
the day before my mother died,
my wife told me,
she said,
you better go visit your mother,
and I went and visited her,
and,
and saw her,
and,
and she acknowledged that I was there,
and she was kind of in a coma,
type of a thing,
and then she died,
and I look back now,
and I think,
you know,
and I feel bad about that,
that I wasn't a good son for her at the end of her life,
and,
and stuff,
but I've had that,
you know,
I mean,
but the great thing about AA is,
is,
AA puts people in your life,
and I've had a great relationship with my father,
you know,
over these years,
and,
and my,
my mom,
and,
and we have a great relationship,
and we have a,
you know,
we,
and it's all because of AA,
it's,
you know,
it's because we have this here,
and,
and we can,
you know,
we can talk to each other,
and we don't always agree,
and,
and stuff,
but,
you know,
we,
you know,
we get along,
and,
and I've got a sober nephew,
and,
who's,
who is,
got 14 years of sobriety,
and I've been able to be a good uncle to him,
and,
and be a good parent to my kids,
and,
and be real active with them,
and do,
you know,
we were talking about,
you know,
Saturday night speaker meetings,
you know,
and how hard they are to get to,
when you've got kids,
it's,
it's great when they're real little,
but as they start getting older,
you know,
I mean,
there's soccer,
I've been,
I can't tell you how many soccer tournaments I've been to here lately,
and it's like,
I've gotten over this need to be at every game,
I've been to so many soccer tournaments lately,
and,
and stuff,
and,
and,
but I've been able to be a,
you know,
a dad to my daughter,
and,
you know,
and a,
and a baseball dad for my son,
and,
and stuff,
and to show up at their events,
and to participate in their lives,
and,
and,
and really,
it all comes back to,
not to get too goobery here,
but,
you know,
I mean,
it all comes back to the fact that,
that I've been able to,
you know,
get it here,
and it,
and it is,
goes all,
goes back to,
you know,
to step 12,
and that is,
everything that I've learned,
applying the principles,
and doing what it says in a vision for you.
I've abandoned myself to God,
as I understand God,
and I've given freely of what I've found.
And,
and,
for that,
I'm,
I feel real grateful.
Thank you for having me.