Applying Spiritual Principles to Solve Problems in Early Recovery – Mary T.

I can't tell you how excited I was to come here now in the countdown you realized, I came in September 13th 1973 and so in a couple of weeks I'll have 44 years in this program I've been doing this since you'll hear I was traveling drunk I still travel all over the place all the time so anyway but I started speaking at these conferences in 1990 first conference I spoke at was in Taos, New Mexico and I have never been to a co-ed conference with all women speakers I think this is a first. Has anybody else gone to a conference other than a woman's conference? I mean, you know where there's actually... My God, I've been the token female for years and it's just wonderful to see how we've evolved here in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know that? Thank you. Thank you for the invite and the honor to share the first thoughts I went to was the second year in Colorado and I've got to tell you this story maybe we'll just do stories tonight let's do that, this is a reunion so you heard part of my story because I sponsored Tom and then I sponsored Juana And if you heard them, I sponsored Erica. So there's like a history here. There really is like a family here. But when Tom first found FOTS, it was the first year in Colorado. And by then I had said to him, do not call me unless you have a man sponsor. I mean, didn't I? and he she wouldn't call and all he did was call anyway so he has a tendency to go on and on and on and on so he kept raving about this conference called Thoughts. And I was listening to them and I was glad. It sounded absolutely wonderful. And I had left New Mexico. I had gone out there to go to school. By the way, squirrel. Squirrel. That means I just thought of something. The reason I was in New Mexico is that if you stay in this program long enough You do everything backwards, okay? So now I'm in my 40s, and I decide to go to college because my daughter has her first college master's degree or something. And I chose to go the school in New Mexico. It was the only place in the world that they had this two-year course in hospice and grief counseling. And so basically, so my career after I left there and I went back to New England was as a hospice social worker. And I happened to work with a wonderful population that taught me a lot about unconditional love and the sacredness about hospice, and it was the HIV population. I worked at a pilot program that was just for people living in the final stages of HIV, and so there was a lot of young people in those days that were passing from this illness. And I just want to tell you as a grief counselor that if you have a terminal illness and you haven't thought about how you can kill yourself, it's just lovely talk, isn't it? There's something the matter with you because that's a normal reaction to want to do that if you don't know what to do. If you have eternal illness sometimes. So when we were educated in New Mexico, I went to Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' Hospice and Grief Institute. It was a two-year degree program there. We talked about the Hemlock Society, so I was fascinated with this, of course. Because I would always say there is a Hemlock Society, in case you want to. But now I can just send people here. That was a little diversion. There you go. So it's 1994 or 3 or something like that, and Mickey is the chairperson of FOTS. No, you were the speaker. You were the chair, right, David? David and Heidi were the cheer. So I get this call from Mickey, and he says, I'm wondering if you would come and speak at such-and-such. And I said, FOTs. And I say, sure, I'd like to. I said where is this? And so he was telling me all about it, and I said, this is this conference that Tom's always talking about. My biggest thrill was the next time he called was to say, you going to that conference next year? He said, yeah, yeah. You want to come? And I said、Yeah, I'll be there. He said, Mr. Know-it-all didn't know I was coming. It was wonderful. Anyway, God, we're weird. Do you know that? You know, you don't get here unless you're not there. I mean, it's great. We're a little crazy here. You want to sober up and enjoy your insanity. Okay? Okay? And I also had the opportunity when I was in New Mexico to meet one of my dearest friends, Jackie. she lives here in Washington State and my first hospice class this woman sat down next to me and I said oh you're in the hospice we're so excited to be studying death and dying that's a calling she's just as nice as she always was even then and she said yes I'm taking this class I'm not in the thing but I'm taking it my grief counselor had me and I said really and she said yes I just lost my son and my counselor thought maybe it would be good for me to take this course so we got to know each other and little did we know that we were in the same fellowship and I've had the honor to sponsor this woman for the last 28 or 9 years or whatever it's been. She's taught me more about spirituality than most of my sponsees. When I first got sober, I had a sponsor and she asked me what was the worst thing that I could ever think could happen and I said, if I ever lost my child. And she said, well honey I want you to do this. She said, I want você to realize that no matter what that is, she says, you have to be ready to commit to the fact that you won't drink, you won�t use and you won �t kill yourself. And I didn�t know if I could ever do that. And life goes on. We do a lot of stuff in recovery. And, I had gotten married. I was divorced when I came in and I remarried. This was before I came to New Mexico. And it was around 8, 9, 10 years. I don�t how long I was sober when I got married. Who knows these things. Who cares? Anyway, I honeymooned down in Florida and I went into a meeting and it was a candlelight meeting and they kept the meeting going until the last person wanted to share. It was a very interesting meeting and just before I thought, well, oh, it's winding down now and then in walked this woman and she sat down and she raised her hand and they called on her and she said, I had to come here because my son was just killed in a car accident And I can remember sitting in that meeting and thinking to myself, oh my God, she didn't go to a bar? And it was the first time I understood that this program had something that would happen beyond our biggest fears. And what was it, seven years ago? Six years ago ? Dawn? Yeah. Her husband is here, too, and I love him dearly. He's a retired pilot, and I love them even more because she gets to travel free and visit me. She was someplace on the East Coast with a grandkid or a niece or something, and she called me. She was on the way back to Denver, Colorado because another one of her sons was killed on a motorcycle accident. I tell this story because this is what this family is about so she of course where do you find words to what and she came into Denver and David met her here met her in Denver and we were talking and I talked to her quite a bit and I said I want you to go to a meeting and find a meeting and like the second or third day called she said I can't find this meeting I can do whatever and she couldn't do it I says you just hang on one minute she said well give me your number and I said I'll call you right back and my next call went to Mickey and Marie I said Mickey I need you to 12-step someone I said she lost her second son in recovery and she needs some help and he was there and brought You went to some meeting, and then during this course of time, it was the Fellowship of the Spirit was happening, and somebody canceled from a condo up at Copper Mountain or someplace, wherever it was. And Mickey called and said, why don't you two go up and enjoy some fellowship? You don't think you're in a family? Know that this is the major leagues here, it's not the minor leagues. Know that these 12 steps are spiritual tools that will introduce you to a power. As it says on I think it's, I don't know, look it up, 13 or 14 or page 42, it says twice that this power will solve all your problems. These spiritual principles will solve all your problem. It says if you fail to enlarge on the spiritual program, you will not be able to face the certain trials and low spots ahead. But if you start to realize that there is some power here, there is som spirit here that's bigger than all of us. you're in the safest place in the world it's taken me a while to realize just exactly how privileged I am to have as many years as I have in this program of Alcoholics Anonymous do you realize that we're in the first 100 years of probably the most spiritual movement that there is I don't know, some of you archivists can say, you know, I think our big book is one of a hundred that have changed the people's lives that are in the Library of Congress or something? You don't even know what you're doing here. Jeez, God really trusted somebody other than to carry this message. I guess I better tell you that I drank. I don't know what I'm going to say tonight. Who cares? We're all together. right we're all here because we're not all there so I will give you just a rough brief thing because we all know how to drink I was raised in New England obviously that's where the accent comes from and I do live in tamper tamper in the winter and I live in Santa a fae in the summer. Oh, that's two, isn't it? Okay. And Erica is one of my girls. You come from New England, every R is an A and every A is an R. So, you know, that is just how we talk there. So I was raised in New England. A very proper Boston, north of Boston home. I had a lot of money, property and prestige which diverts you from your primary purpose. And for a long time I didn't realize that I really wasn't raised with any religion. Tom tells every religion I've joined for God's sake if you want to know my story ask him he'll tell you. So I wasn't raised with any really concept of a power greater than yourself, except for the fact that in some ways money, property, and prestige was a religion. The way I was raised. Some of the people are nodding. Nothing wrong with money, property, or prestige. Nothing wrong with it at all. But it can't come before that other power. It can't comes before that power. power. So I was introduced to alcohol very early on in my life, I mean it was just the norm, it was abnormal not to have, you know the sun is over the yada someplace for crying out loud so you have a drink and there's the cocktail hour and all this other stuff that happens, so it just seemed as though that was right and if you have money you're not an alcoholic, you drink too much and I saw many alcoholics and many deaths that were really caused because of this disease. But they were just, poor Phil, he got too drunk at the club and he went out and fell over and they pulled him up in a lobster trap. But, you know, a poor guy just drank too much. You know, this little kid and his craziness is going on. But there's a, you now, that was it. I was raised by a lot of nursemaids so I had a lot, abandonment's my core scar in my life even though you would not have known that. but when you're raised with money, property and prestige you're usually raised by nursemaids that could care less about what's happening and because I wouldn't conform to whatever a proper person is supposed to be, I was always very curious and that was not good to be curious they sent me away to a school because that's what you do, you get rid of somebody that isn't behaving and I went away to an academy up in Maine a prep school. And by then, now here I am like 13 years old, right? And I was a grade ahead of myself and so they made me repeat the last half of my freshman year and they put me in this private school in the middle of January. So everybody had already bonded, of course, and I'm coming back from Christmas vacation. And for some reason at this time and I only tell you this because this is kind of the start of where I think alcohol became something I needed and it was that by then I knew that you could make hard cider out of apple you know, hard cider but you had to buy the cider on the side of the road you can't buy it in the stores because they have some kind of preservative so by then I had realized that I needed to have something and so I'd have my father stop and I would say dad can I have some can I Have Some Cider and he would say sure you can have a gallon I said can't I have two, I mean they'll drink it all when I get into the dorm or something, so he'd buy me two I wasn't sharing that no I don't, so I was a liar and I was a manipulator already and I knew how to steal because they had a lock on the liquor cabinet And I know how to take the pin out of the hinge and open the door and bring back scotch. So that's how it started, and it worked for me. It made me feel as though I was okay. It made my feel as thought I wasn't so alone. And it just really made me felt great. Now when I came into the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous later, my sponsor's husband would say, they don't call alcohol spirits for nothing. It's just the wrong spirit. it's just the wrong spirit. And in these halls, there's another spirit. And that's the one you have to get to know. So I graduated. I went on and did something my father didn't want me to do, which was be a professional swimmer. And I swam with the water follies. Oh, I mean, you know, I was crazy. And I could, thank God, swim better than I could walk because liquor comes quick if you're in show business. you know that? They really like to feed you some booze. So alcohol just kind of took off and I got out of that show and went on another tour and I was back home and my dad said you're not going to sit around here waiting for another show and so I got a job at his business in Boston and I started living in Cambridge, just outside a hobbit square. I mean, you know, really when I look at all this stuff you do. And there was a gal I graduated from this academy with and we were sitting in Cambridge having a cup of coffee and these nice guys came in. You know? One was really cute and I thought, he's nice. And so, you know, by then, you know, it's the booze and the boys and that's kind of where you're at. And I got involved with one and And then I got pregnant and married in that order, which isn't proper by any means. But that's kind of what happened. And after, and I always say this, you know, he wasn't the fun type of alcoholic. And I had, the police were my guest every weekend. And after my daughter was born, she was around eight months old when he had beat me up pretty bad and he took off with her. I remember I called that proper home, and I asked if maybe I could get out of this marriage. And my mother said, I've been waiting for this call for over a year. I felt like saying, why didn't you come get me? I didn't even know what was going on. But they allowed me to come back into their home, and I stayed there in their home. And I wouldn't come home from the bars because by then, alcohol I needed to blot out what I had just gone through. And I was a child with a child, kind of, and I really didn't know what was going on in my life, and alcohol became the necessary thing for me to feel as though I was okay. Wrong spirit, but it's the one that made me feel like I was somewhat normal. Those folks kicked me out of that house, and I stayed in that town until my daughter was about five years old and my reputation had caught up with me and I did what any good alcoholic would do I moved and I picked up my daughter and I went to Southern California and in Southern California I had a half sister I stayed with her and then I finally got a job the last five years of my drinking in California, it was coupled with Valium because by then, you know in those days you had to take a typing test to get a job and my hands wouldn't stay still. Because the disease of alcoholism had progressed to the point physically with me. And so this doctor gave me Valium and I loved it. It was absolutely a wonderful drug. You know that? You would drink until you pass out and then you would come too. And you'd be like, and you could take one of those things and kind of just get out and get through the next day until you get the booze to do things. So I could tell you a lot of stories about all that, but the worst story is that I was a mother and I would come out of blackouts yelling at the only thing I loved most in this world and so I decided the best thing to do would be to drink at a bar and I got her a babysitter and I was always just going to have one and I would end up calling and the babysitter would say why don't you just leave her overnight because I'd call about 3 or 4 times and that's what I did a lot how did I get into the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous one morning I went over to pick up that daughter and the mother opened the door and she said Mary I really don't know you why don'T you come in and have a cup of coffee with me And I thought, well, probably a good idea to find out who this is that's watching my child, right? And so I said, sure, fine. I mean, I was raised right. I knew what to say. And so, I sat down and she proceeded to tell me about herself. And she was raised in New England and she had gone to MIT. And she Was an engineer and she worked over at Burbank at Lockheed or something like that. I thought, well this is good quality stuff watching my child really is, this is really proper and then she said, and I'm an alcoholic I said, you are? And she said yes I am and then he told me her story and when she finished, and this was complete I was so sincere, I said oh my god I know a lot of people who should join that AAA thing she said really she said we have an open meeting why don't you come to the open meeting tonight and I thought well I don't think I have a babysitter and she said yes obviously so I went to that meeting with her husband that night she had a sponsor at that time who wanted her in another meeting, and his name was Clancy. So she said, I can't come with you. I have to do something else for my sponsor, whatever that meant. She said, but David will bring you to this meeting. And so I was brought to a meeting in the Valley. It was the Waneck Friday night meeting. And I walked into the hall, and there was probably as many people as there is here now. they all dress up very nicely they all look like Erica with lots of bling in California and you too and a lot of people came up and introduced themselves and David would say this is her first meeting and they gave me a lot of literature and one was something called the 20 questions and I was asked to read them one at a time and answer them as honestly as I could. And not to do it then, but sometime when I was alone and I thanked people and sat down and then the speaker got up actually it didn't happen that way they had birthdays and they sing out a key in California and they sang happy birthday, it was crazy, it Was very interesting place though but you know, I was told this was an AA open meeting and I just thought it was like open to the public, you know what I mean? Kind of like the PTA. Let's go see what the school is running and so I didn't realize that everybody in the hall you know, I thought we were there to visit. It's like a lecture or something you know? And so it was very entertaining. I thought it Was fascinating and then the woman got up to speak and she happened to have been the first woman alcoholic in the state of California and her name was Sybil and I was honored to listen to her story and I have several things that happened to me on that night that I've never forgotten, thank you God for that one was the fact that she had an energy that was infectious she was very very funny, she'd been married like a hundred times I guess she kept saying my name is Sybil Jones she had all these last names this is interesting and as she talked, it was so funny I heard her many times afterwards but you hear what you're going to hear tonight so you never have to worry you'll hear whatever God wants you to hear don't worry about it but when I heard people say to her Sybil how are you doing? and she'd say fine, just fine she was from Texas and she said but I was dying inside now I realized later years as I listened to her that that was not her that was her sober log when she was saying that that's the point you want to listen up on that one but I didn't realize that but I identified with that I identified with the fact that I was fine just fine and I was lying and I had a hole in my gut and the wind was blowing through, and I could not let you know that. After she finished talking, David brought me up to meet Sybil and introduce me, and I always say this, and there's a reason that I will tell you why I say it because I didn't know why I said it for a lot of years. Stick around. You'll understand what's happening later when you're ready, okay? He said, Sybil, I want you to meet Mary. It's her first meeting. And she turned around and she looked me straight in the eye and she said, welcome home, honey. It wasn't long afterwards I found my sponsor. She had the same look that Sybil looked. And I didn't know what that meant. Today, I can tell you what happened to me. When she turned and she looked me in the eye and she said, welcome home, honey. She went right through my facade. She went into my soul. And she said I know who you are. I know where you've been. I know how you feel. And you're home now, sweetheart. heart. You never have to go through it again. Now, she didn't say those words, but she said those words. You know how I knew that? Because I felt it. When I arrived in Alcoholics Anonymous 43 years ago, I had a mask. I had developed a false self out of every fear that I had had. Will the real Mary Thayer stand up? Who is she? I was whatever you wanted me to be. I was like a chameleon. I just didn't know who I was at all. I didn't understand. So when she went through those facades and went right into my soul, I knew I was talking to someone who knew me and I knew her. And there was something that joined us in our soul deep down inside that woke up and said i see you i'm right here don't worry i'll take your hand and i'll walk with you and you'll one day be in that present you'll be present with that presence i didn't know that was happening then i didn'T understand that at all all i knew is that for the first time i felt safe i felt that there was somebody who knew me and i couldn'T figure out what that was and when David drove me home he said what did you think of the meeting and I said I could cry and he said go ahead and I couldn't stop crying and I didn't understand why until much later actually he said it when I first when Sybil first, it doesn't make any difference when it was said, who gives a rat's ass all I remember is that I was absolutely sobbing, just sobbing and I thought well this is not proper we don't do this right it wasn't until later that I realized it was the first time in my life I was given permission to have a feeling when you're raised that proper you're supposed to be some kind of a robot you're not supposed to have an emotion maybe you understand why I'm a grief counselor I do grief I love it makes me feel alive for some reason the more I learned about death the more i learned about life you know that right yeah so the next morning david gave me a big book and said come have coffee the next day and i went over there and i had coffee with david and rosemary And Rosemary asked me, she said, well, what did you think your first meeting? And by then I had done the 20 questions and I'd not failed it by any means. I had really excelled because if you answer more than three questions, you're an alcoholic. And there's 20 questions, and I said yes to 17. And the longer I got sober, I could answer them all yes. But anyway, I said, I think I'm an alcoholic She said yes. Talk about intimidation. She said, yes, I've been waiting for you for a year and a half. That's when I understood. I didn't realize for ayear and a half I had been calling for that woman's daughter to watch my child. And it was fascinating how, again, hindsight. You don't know what you're doing. If you think you're drinking and you know what's going on, you don't. So there you are. Later on, you figure it out. and so here I was sitting there and she said yes I've been waiting for you now this is what you're going to do and then she proceeded to tell me what I was going to be in a meeting 90 days fund the misery and all this other stuff and then he said are you on any drugs and I said I don't do drugs I said I don' t do any drugs I'm proper. No, I didn't say that. But I said, no, I don't do any drugs. And she, you know, they might have been looking at my cabinets because she wanted to know if I was on any Librium or Valium. And I said well, I do Valium but it's doctor prescribed. In those days they used to give you an open prescription. It was wonderful. And so I said I said well, I take Valium and if I don' t do that I go to the hospital and anyways, long story short, she said that was a dry drink. I didn't like her I didn' t like her but you know you're proper right Kate you're not act you go oh well the doctor prescribed that's a dry drink so so I had a babysitter for that next night off we went to these meetings Pacific group. It was really kind of exciting, but I was scared to death and I was detoxing from daily drinking and Valium on the bricks right here in these rooms. I should have been sent off to the local rehab in a hospital. Years later, I read that book We're Dancing as Fast as We Can, and that was me. That was crazy. I was crazy, I was insane. And I stayed with them, shake and rattle and rolling. And one night about I don't know, it was within a week and a half or something, I went to a meeting in Santa Monica and somebody asked me to read and I said no. And she said you don't say no to an AA request and I says no. This still fascinates me. We had a break in that meeting. I don' t know why. We all smoked right in the meetings, so I don't, you know, I have no idea why that happened. But I don�t remember that. All I remember is everybody get up to go out to do something and I was all alone and she wasn�t talking to me and I remember there was an old guy like David sitting in the corner and I went over and I said, �Hi, can I talk to you?� And he said, yeah, what's the matter? And so I told him that she wasn't talking to and they were probably going to kick me out and he looked at me and he said how long have you been sober and I said a week and a half and he says hey honey the only thing you have to do is find a meeting you're comfortable in and don't drink the only thing you have to doing is find a meeting that you're come to and don' t drink please hear those words if you're scared like I was scared let us love you until you can learn to love yourself and it was said and it was done for me this is a program about love this is not a punitive program read your concepts we do not punish people here we try to guide them we try to let them know that there could be another way she kept wanting me to get a sponsor that was into the big book in the 12 and 12 and had 7 years or something, I didn't know what she was talking about so I finally found a meeting in the West Valley, it was a big book study and I went into this meeting and there was a man who was talking about the big books and I said, I don't even know what that meant it says Alcoholics Anonymous it doesn't say, I couldn't see we have our own language here you're telling new people stuff you don't know what they're saying 12, what does that mean? what's a sponsor? do you interview? there was all this stuff that was being thrown at me and I didn't understand any of it but I did have a strange thing I had a feeling that I was safe for some reason once the meeting started and so when this man was talking about a big book I said, I need to get one of those. And he told me a story and sold me this big book. And the next week, the story he told me, I just knew this was a man that was into the big book and you know, I didn't know you're supposed to ask women. I mean, she was being sponsored by Clancy. How do you know these things? You don't know anything anymore. And so the next weak I went back to that meeting and he asked me how I was doing and I said I said, I'm pretty good and I was wondering if you'd sponsor me and he said, well since I got married my wife doesn't count on me sponsoring women, but she's that redhead over there and she's got kind of a Mickey Mouse program but maybe she'll help you out laughter so I went over and I waited while she talked to people and finally she turned and she said yes and I said I was wondering if you'd sponsor me and she said did you just ask my husband to sponsor you I said yes I did she said what did you do that for so then I told her this whole story about I was going to get drunk and I just didn't know I knew I didn't want rosemary that much I knew and so I was supposed to go back east for something and she said, listen, she said I'll be your temporary sponsor. You'll be at my house next Tuesday night. And you bring the big book and the 12 and 12 and we'll get you back to Massachusetts. So when you come back you look around you find somebody you want what they have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it and you ask her to sponsor you. And I went there the following Tuesday and she wanted me to tell her my story and I did and at the end she said you talk about yourself in the third person not the first it's like it was some I don't even know you but it would be like I was telling your story I had no emotions connected to it and she said to me one day you'll tell that story in the first person and you'll share those tears and I didn't understand what she was talking about I couldn't, I just didn't understand it but when I left her place and I was going home there was something in her eyes and I can still see those blue eyes today and those eyes had looked right through my mask and my facade and into my heart and I knew she was telling me the truth and I know she wouldn't hurt me a lot of people were intimidated by her and Hugh. I never felt that. Not one ounce did I ever feel that. In fact, I trusted her so much that if I went over to her house and I said, hey Beth, I just killed the neighbor she'd say, honey, let's work on anger. She was a brilliant woman. She was raised on the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and she was the one that opened my heart to a feeling that I had never ever had now I was supposed to believe in some power greater than myself what does that mean I didn't know, I didn' have your religious background so that's why I joined a lot of church I mean God could and would have sought so I was a seeker I still am in fact to be honest with you I'm going to steal something I am a seasoned beginner I haven't arrived anywhere with 43 years of recovery the situations that I had when I first came in these halls are not the situations I deal with today whoever thought you'd deal with health and osteoporosis and false hips and jeez crap, you know getting old, having to ask for help God, who would ever inventory those things those are principles and things that I had to take a look at What was it going to be for me to be retired? All of that. When I came into the halls, my daughter was 9, almost 10, and she's 53 now. Do you think that I could live on the principles and values that I had when she was a teenager as a mother? Shame on me if I am. What about when she got married or divorced or married and divorced or whatever the heck goes on? But who am I today as a mother to this child? Am I living from a viewpoint of when she was a teenager, or am I looking at her as the young woman that she is that runs the world? That's a story in itself, but she really does. Anyway, so I've had a lot of experience with 12 Steps that I finally read and understood at a certain level, okay? What I realized is that each step brings me closer to a relationship with God. Every step, every word, almost every promise is all internal promises. They have nothing to do with outside. Read your promises. None of them have anything to do with getting anything at all. I was talking to somebody, I think it was you, I heard somebody today talk about that self-centered fear, afraid we're going to lose something we already have or not get something we demand. And I was sitting here thinking and a voice said to me, you know, Mary Theoria, you've lost everything. I did lose all of those in recovery. I didn't get what I wanted. And i lost things that i didn't want to lose. thank you God it doesn't feel like that when you're doing it though it doesn' t feel like that when it's going through it I didn' t understand what this program was going to do I didn't understand that when I came in here 43 years ago and I looked at you people and so forth that it was not the real Mary Ther that was doing that this is a soul sickness and this soul was thirsty and it needed to be fed and it need to be taught who Mary Thera was and what God wants her to be and that I had to learn to demonstrate what this program is about not to talk it there's a lot of talk you're all very intelligent people if you're an alcoholic, you're intelligent let me tell you right now and for the first 20 years of my life because I thought the people that I loved were into the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and I love them very much and I knew what every black line was I can quote it verse, page, the dot, the I's the T's, you know, the whole bit. I had a lot of things that happened to me in those first 20 years that were fantastic and a lot of thingsthat were very, very, very painful, very painful. I'm a slow teach. I'm self-willed and right, although I don't think so. I want what I want when I want it. I usually gut it, and that was too bad. And so I have a wreckage of my sobriety just as much as I have a wreckpage of my past, you I'm grateful for the 10th step because it means that I'm going to be wrong and I don't have to do this perfectly. An old timer said to me, work these steps poorly until you learn to work them well. If you wait until you do them perfectly, you'll never do them at all. So just get in there and try something. Stop trying to dot every i and whatever. If you're halfway through and you can't do something, talk to somebody and see if they can walk you through the rest. This is about a WE program. This is people that will help you if you really, really want this program. But you're going to want it. It's not for people who need it. If you want it, you've got it. Don't ever forget that. I was talking to Jack on the way up here, and I said, you know, I used to hear that in the halls all the time, that one out of ten or something were going to make it. And I used sit there in the hall and I'd say, I'm going to be the one. And he turned around and he looked at me and said, so do I. I'm gonna be the One. You got it, hon. you be the one. You don't have to go. It's not supposed to be on your resume in AA that you go in and out and in and out and out. You do not have to do that. My sponsor's husband used to say something. He said, AA is kind of like a wagon train. We are going along on the wagon and then finally we send out a scout and they get drunk. And if they are lucky they come back to the wagon train. He says let the scouts go, stay on the wagon. They'll come back and tell you it's much safer on the wagon. And there were simple things like that that were given to me. You know probably people were going in and out but when I was sobering up and sobering upon the bricks and shaking and rattling and rolling and really drinking orange juice and honey oh my god what we went through in those days all I know is that someone said to me, honey you only have to go through this once. And I heard it. I don't ever want to go back to that. So this Rosemary who did a lot for me, she told me a lot of things. She said things like watch what you defend. I still watch what I defend. Don't tell me why you're defending it. She'd say go home and figure out why you have to defend so hard. Never forgotten that one. She would Say, honey, you're the fish you've got to catch. And I am the fish I've got to catch, that's why I'm still a seasoned beginner. And that's why not all the time am I fine, just fine, in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'll tell you how I am if you ask me. So So I started this journey through the book, and I started to understand that there was a power. And as it said on page, I think it's 58 is it? Where it says, as you grow closer to God, God reveals Himself to you. So at 20 years when I was dying again because I had a head full of knowledge and I was using that knowledge to keep you away from me and not be a part of with you, I wanted to take a look at what I came to believe in. And I was going through Bill's story and it said that he looked at God as a newfound friend. And I thought to myself, do I think of God as an newfound friend? Now, I have a friend. I have the power of God. I have had a lot of friends in this room. And you know, I don't have to see them too often one way or the other, but when they come in the room I feel safe. Lifelong friend. I'm safe. Safe with a lot of you people. It's an energy, isn't it? It's a feeling. As I continued to read the black lines, I started to see that they'd say you feel new power flow in. I don't know why I was thinking all the time, but it's a feelings. It's an energy that we feel at these thoughts. I helped start the second thoughts there in Maine. It's and energy all over this country, all over the world now. There's an enegy. So when I examined that, I said, do I think of God as a friend? And I knew the energy because my very closest friend since we were six years old, she and I co-sponsor each other now. She's got 38 years, I guess, isn't she? 38, 39, something like that. And I don't have to see her forever, but if she walked in here right now, we could go like this. We're safe. How many people have a friend like that? It's an energy. I don't have to say a word, it's just an energy, you can feel it. And I realized that, you know, I got an opportunity to walk out here today and take a picture of that, is it Puget Sound? Wherever I am here. And that mountain and everything, there's energy that came off of that. How many people just saw the sky and the deer and the enormous energy? It's greater than me. And I started very, you know, humility is to accept where you are right now. I don't have to be in any church or anything else. I just have to know that there's a presence around and I can feel safe. First time when I really looked at that feeling and understood it was the time that when I would walk into my sponsor's house or I'd take a look at her blue eyes and I felt safe and I started to understand something, that there was an energy that she demonstrated wasn't what she was saying it's how I felt with her years to understand that years to understand that after she was my temporary sponsor for 25 years and you want to make sure you get it out anytime you want I thought after she passed, I said to myself why did I stay with that woman so long she definitely wasn't like me I mean she was like she was kind of like you Erica she was always fluffing shopping she was always hiding things under the bed so Hugh wouldn't know that she'd bought that I'd say Beverly I don't think that's honest but she taught me to do what you just were doing, is to laugh. And I remember one time I was in some big crisis and I was laughing hysterically and I turned to her and I said, Beverly, I'm laughing. And she said, yes, honey, and when you're laughing, you're closest to God. Do you know that when you're having a hard time laughing, that all your facades come off? Do you know that? And it's just you're very vulnerable and you're very open and the spirit can come in and things can start to happen. And so that's the energy that I started to work with. It started very simply I was in a really bad spot, a low trial and I remember I had a cat and the cat's name was E.T. A little extraterrestrial I had gotten while I was in New Mexico studying death and dying. E.t. E.T. So little E. T. would come to Maine with me and back and forth and so forth. And I remember that E.t. was always there even when I didn't want her there, she was always present. You got a cat like that? Any of you? Always there? Yeah! Always there. Don't even want her, there she is. I'd go to bed at night and she'd go, I'd open the covers and curl up my stomach. All of a sudden I realized that that presence was present. And all that cat wanted was love, and all that cat did is love me. It was an energy there so unbelievable. Start where you are. Start where you're at. Where do you feel safe and connected? So any of the gals that I sponsor come into my life now, they'll say to me, I said, where do you feel safe in connected? What? You know, where d'you feel safe and connected. It's an energy. That's the one that's going to bring you through the steps. Where do you feel safe and connect? And it's where you are today, not where you hope to be. Where are you today? So I started through the steps again, and the last 23 years of my sobriety have been one hopefully that I am demonstrating and not talking about. Because that's why I had Beverly Douglas and Hugh Douglas as my sponsors. Because they demonstrated honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, courage, integrity, readiness, humility, brotherly love, patience, forgiveness, maintenance, attunement and service. It wasn't what they were saying to me, it was the way they were living. And when I listened to them, I would listen to them with my heart and I would feel what they were say before I even started to think. When you hear somebody and your heart opens, go to them. They're the one your soul needs to hear. the one that's going to walk you through this without some big, I don't know. This isn't like a school, this is an experience. You'll start to experience things, you'll start to feel things, and you'll wonder, oh my God, I can live in the I don' t know. Forever I could never live in I don''t know. I remember Don Pritchard used to say that. What did he You do the drill. You're here to do God's work, not his job. And I thought that was brilliant. And it took me five years to understand that God's Work is to do the Steps or the Drill. The outcome is God's. I do not do my Steps so I get what I want. And yet for years I would do the Third Step Prayer and the Seventh Step Prayer and I would say it exactly as it was in the book. But my actions, my demonstration was relieve me of the bondage of self so I can better do my will. And show you what I'm up to. Not God's mind. And when I'd say my seventh step prayer and I Would Say please grant me strength to go out from here to do your bidding. No, grant me strength so I can go out and do what I want to do is really what I was doing. I couldn't see that for a long time. I could not see that self-will run riot. Although I did not think so because I knew the words. And because I knew something I thought I could do something. And yet lack of power was my dilemma and I have to have a power greater than myself in order to do anything. To get up here and talk, I have to have another power to do it. I don't have that power. Left to myself, I am absolutely nothing. I'm cracked. I met the casino. Oh, my. You'll have me in GA next. But... I got to a point one time when I was doing, I'm going to end this soon, I think, because you probably want to dance. I was reading the Bedevlements, and Clint Hodges used to say, if all you people say, no, I'm good with my personal relationships and whatever the eight things are, oh, I am okay, I can make a living, I don't not pray to misery and depression. And, you know, great. Now ask the question this way. Has God brought you as far as he can in regard to personal relationships? Oh, I see some people might want a little improvement, right? Has God bought you as much as he has? As far as you can in regards to your emotional nature? Now if you're anything like I am, when those questions were turned around and they were put to me like that, I realized, God, I hope not. I hope he's going to help me more with the relationship. I hope I can make it. You know, I started to see that I had cut it off. And why did I just say I was okay? And why, when you ask it the other way, was there something different? And I'm going to tell you what my experience is and what Bev told me. She said, The answer is always on the next page. So I read the next stage. And on the last page, it talks about the God of reason. It talks about the bridge of reason and God of reason. And it talks about reason, and it's capitalized where it doesn't need to be capitalized. And yet I was worshiping reason, rationale, logic. Now, have a few of you had a spiritual experience in this room? Okay. Is there any reason, rational, or logic connected to a spiritual appearance? There isn't at all. and yet I was so filled with knowledge about everything I was worshipping rationale logic and then I turn to page 129 and it says that we have struck something better than gold it's limitless it's a limitless load that will pay me dividends as long as I mine it for the rest of my life Do the drill for the rest of my life. This is the most profound program there is. No matter where you are in sobriety, if you have a year or you have 43 years, it is still an adventure. It's limitless. I have received things I didn't even know I wanted. Do you know that? I mean, it is amazing what this program will do. even when you're dying from grief and loss and pain, God will bring you something right away. Hugh Douglas taught me that he said just because you're sober does not mean you're not going to have some trials in those spots but he said if you get a flat tire, you'll be next to the gas station if you lose a son and you have to go there you will find another member that will bringyou someplace and will help you I'm sorry, what is your name again? when Janet spoke Thursday I sat and I listened to that woman and what did she say that when that happened people around, people living on her couch for God's sakes you know it's like you will be taken care of they will walk shoulder to shoulder with you and I will end with a couple of things if you stay in this path long enough you will meet lifelong friends that have the common solution that's 12 steps of this program. There's no S on solution. There's not S on really have we followed a path. There's one path. You're going to meet these people and they'll become lifelong friends that will walk shoulder to shoulder with you as you escape disaster. So that means that we're going to have, it's going to be good, then it's gonna be bad, then it'll get worse, and then it will get good, and it will get bad so enjoy it and as your false self dies there will be necessary suffering and if you are in a place where you're being held in the fire and you feel as though you're burnt up almost you hang on because like the refiner's touch when the refliner is doing silver when do you pull the silver out when God when there's a reflection and so if you are in the fire hang on don't drink, don't use and don't kill yourself and don' t leave us because when you come out you'll be reflecting and demonstrating a power greater than yourself so just to the extent that you humbly rely upon that God and do as you think that God would have you do, will he enable you to match calamity with serenity. Thank you and God bless.