Anthony A. on Step 5, the Isolation Page, and Ego Deflation

Evening, everyone. Anthony, recovered alcoholic, happy, real, restored, you know, all those good things. Welcome and thank you so much for having me again. I'm truly honored to be here. We're on step five, right? We're going to do the 12 in 12 and then the big book. So step five says admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. And as I was reading this before, admitted to God and ourselves, I did that my whole life, the exact nature of our wrong. Pretend God was there, but you heard me, right? You're an idiot. You're a mess. How the hell did you do that? What's wrong with you? You're loser. Anybody ever do that, right?" I've done that inventory many times talking about my defects. But here it says, "...and to another human being." And I usually left them out. And it probably has something to do with ego, they said. So I just wanted to ask you a question. You know, if when they told you to eat your vegetables when you were young, if they said if you eat your festivals and you'll be delighted, would you have eaten your vegetables? Like if they told me if you work out when you finish, you'll be delighted. Right. If you put it in long hours in school, you will do well. You'll be the lighted. I wonder if I would have done that a little bit better if they told me i would have been delighted so maybe we'll talk about that later so what is step five say my again my sprightly day may 7th 1996 god willing i'm i don't know a few weeks away from quarter century of some extended craziness i guess you would call it but i haven't had a drink so that's pretty cool so it says all of us all of aa's 12 steps all of the steps ask us to go contrary to natural desires they all all the state steps deflate our egos well i'll tell you that's a slow process right when it comes to ego deflation few steps are harder to take than five but scarcely listen to this sentence any step is more necessary to long time sobriety and peace of mind in this one so step five is important yet we lose so many people on form five i wonder why because it says it's really important right we got to go against our own ways a is experienced to us we cannot live alone it mentions living alone being alone loneliness a lot in this step right with our pressing problems and character defects which aggregate that aggravate them wrong thinking and action have hurt us we need to quit living by ourselves it says with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday it gets more urgent than ever we have to talk to somebody about them so i'm going to let you know i'm gone through a couple of things and we share our inventory often how come my boys always text me when i get on a russell call right we my inventory we pass around our inventory and one of my buddies said the other day goes resentment's been popping up on your inventory we should talk and i've been a little busy for a day and i got him around six o'clock and we sort of did a fifth step and guess what came up ego ego ego ago ego ego right um so intense though is our fear and reluctance to do this again we lose people right they get excited on the first step two and three or thing and then that fourth step comes fifth step we lose them it says they try to bypass step five we search for an easier way what does it say and how it works that no just read an easier softer way which usually consists of the general and fairly painful admission that when drinking we were sometimes bad actors right how bill plays off of the actor right that he talks about in the big book i like this part here tell me if this reminds you of an open meeting at all hold on then for good measure we add dramatic descriptions of that part of our drinking behavior which our friends probably know about anyhow so it really doesn't matter right with these all these chatathons that we have i don't know that's what it's saying here in step five i just thought that was really pretty cool um we won't do this we'll go to the grave with us on top of 56 right here comes a death threat remember those from last week yet if a's experience means anything at all it is not only unwise but it is actually a perilous resolve danger few muddled attitudes that cause more trouble than holding back on step five why do we do it so much some people are unable this is a great paragraph guys right i'm uh in the middle of 56 near the top some people are unable to stay sober at all so if you don't do a fifth step again i'm going to put the little asterisks in there especially if you're a real alcoholic it says it's hard to stay sober at al others will relapse periodically and be welcome back every time they come chips ahoy baby who's favorite cookie in aa chips ahoi new chip for you who needs a chip chocolate chips white chips black chips anytime you come back we'll give you a little party until they really clean house even aa i like this part because i'm an aa old-timer so be careful even aa old timers sober for years often pay dearly for skimping this step so i guess the old i did the steps already isn't really a good thing to tell somebody right they will tell how they tried to carry the load alone. I got this, right? How many people, I got this. Leave me alone. Why don't you just leave me? Will you just leave me alone? I crave to be alone and the book's telling me it's my problem. How much they suffered of irritability, anxiety, remorse, and depression. Monday mornings, I'm not going to work. And how unconsciously seeking relief they would sometimes accrue being their best friends of the very character defects they themselves were trying to conceal. Maybe that has something to do with our gossip, right? Which I can be – I'm a decent gossiper, right, and I'm pretty good at it. They always discovered that relief never came by confessing the sins of other people. Everybody had to confess his own. I keep telling you we've done the steps with so many people, sometimes 100 in a crowd, right. even like this we're on the fifth step tonight and we have less people than we did last couple weeks maybe my chat wasn't that good last week i don't know but i think it has a little bit to do with the fifth steps i'm not going to go to that one it's not that exciting the practice of admitting one's defects to another person is of course very ancient it has been validated every century Listen to this, and it characterizes the lives of all spiritually centered and truly religious people. They're talking kindly and highly about truly religious people again. But it says it's not even just religious people, psychiatrists and psychologists are talking about this, and it says most of us would declare that without a fearless admission of our defects to another being, we could not stay sober. They just said that twice. Why are so many people in the fellowship of AA drinking? Because getting to and doing a fifth step is not highly promoted. It's just a fact, dudes. Been around a while. I go to different towns, different meetings, different cities, different Zooms, and people are talking about themselves. They're just not doing the steps in a fifth set, right? It's playing the seat. Listen to this, dudes, it's plain to see that the grace of god will not enter to expel our destructive obsessions and i don't think they're just talking about drinking right because i still have destructive obscessions until we are willing to try this fifth step thing i i have written at top of my page grace of God is important and this is the isolation page let's look at page 57 isolation loneliness didn't quite belong terrified loneliness isolation problem alone anxious apartness didn't belong those are all on one page guys step five was the answer it was the beginning of a true kinship with man and his sponsor you know it doesn't say that we've been playing this game for weeks now right it doesn't say sponsor it says step five was the answer it was the beginning of a true kinship with man and god right this god thing is important even in the 12 and 12 they talk about the same thing in the twelve and twelve it's a big book it says this vital step meaning life vita right like also means by which we began to get the feeling that we could be forgiven, right? This is forgive paragraph on the top of 58. Forgiven, forgive, forgiveness, forgiveness. Important. I've been forgiven. Who am I not to forgive? It's so crazy, right, that I just did a fourth step. I got all this stuff which I did wrong, this selfishness and this ego and hurting people and god's forgiven me and yet i still think i could hold you know these faults over other people including the people i love the most in the whole of my wife right i'm mean to her sometimes because i don't feel good myself right i love her more than anything in the world and sometimes i treat her poorly so i probably got an amends to make there today you know it's crazy um it says to those who have made progress in a day and amounts to clear recognition of what and who we really are followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be right that's the fifth column what we could be with god the objective look at ourself we achieved in step four was after all only a look what did it say after making our step it's only a beginning we read last week right it talks about self-pity something had to be done about these defects and we soon found we could not wish them or will them away by ourselves alone even me and god can't do it because i'm not being honest with him right it says right here we had to have god's help no human even me uh top of 59 self-delusion self-deceived by myself alone where i crave to be just leave me alone cassie from australia just leavemealone why won't he just leavemeloan especially when somebody's got something to say to me criticize or give me some advice would you just leave meloane it says here when i'm alone i'm self delusion and self deceived and then what always comes up anger our anger or anger and her pride might be the smoke screen right so i get angry because i'm afraid under which we are hiding some of our defects while we blamed others for them my wife my kids my co-workers my friends people on zoom some of you guys don't tell anybody right possibly too we were still handicapped by many liabilities great and small we never knew we had i'm coming across things today that i never knew i had as i try to get closer to god and realize man so if you asked me eight months ago how's things going i'll tell you man things are things are good man i am i'm close to god i see it today there's a steel curtain in front of me because I've discovered so many things by working with other people and reading this book over and over again, right? More and more things. More and mehr trials to overcome so that I could – all I want to do is be with God. I'm going to say that every week until we finish. I just want to be with Gott. But I've made a little bit of a mess, right, which will block me at times. It says, hence would most have been solitary self-appraisal and the omission of our defects based upon that alone wouldn't be enough how many times do they have to say that guys we had to have outside help another person if we were surely to know and admit the truth about ourselves the help of god and another human being only by discussing ourselves holding back nothing holding back nothing once we have taken a step withholding nothing it says in the big book only by being willing to take advice ah gotcha only by willing to take advice how you doing with that byoc anthony taking that advice stuff right we don't like advice hold on a second listen to this part take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking solemn honesty genuine humility yet many of us still hung back we said why can't god as we understand him tell where we are straight i still want to do it just me and him right because my ego comes in and i don't want to sit down with glenn or john right i don'T WANT TO SIT DOWN WITH PETER BECAUSE THEN YOU KNOW I MIGHT HAVE TO TELL THEM SOMETHING WHICH I CAN'T DO ANYMORE I DON'T WANNA REALLY GIVE IT UP RIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE THEN HE MUST KNOW IN EVERY DETAIL HE CAPITALIZED CREATOR CAPITALIZED Tell him where we were straight. If the creator gave us our lives in the first place, then he must know in every detail where we have gone wrong. Why don't we make our admission to him directly? So I'm the guy who doesn't want to believe in God unless I could skip the fifth step. Then I'm all God. I'm All In. I just want to do it with him, the big guy, my man, right? Listen to what it says here. why do we need to bring anyone else into this it said from the beginning we're going to try an easier softer way it says there's difficulties trying to deal with god right and then we got the god page i'm just going to read it because it's all talks about every book except for living sober i'm only kidding this is the God page 60 god god god god god power right and then on step 551 we shall want to speak with someone who is experienced right who has not only stayed dry boy oh boy are your people really weaning themselves out, right? Of the people that are dry. Hi, Mark. Excuse me. That's okay, honey. Dry has been able to surmount other serious difficulties, so we don't want to be looking for the dry people to help us. Yet I found that the dry people are the ones that are really attacking the newcomers. that's just an experience i've had um it says here you ought to make a beginning as soon as you can not in a year or five years or three years or 90 days as soon als you can um it says here again oh this might be getting to something that we get to later down at the bottom 61 happily though the chances are you will be in for a very pleasant surprise if you take direction and advice and sit down and do this right um i have written down where it says about the dry people i havewritten in the side of my book why didn't anyone ask me to sponsor them when i was dry hmm i guess i wasn't attractive to them so the last page says provided you hold back nothing they say that like a thousand times in the step and in the big book your sense of relief will mount from minute to minute wow that sounds pretty good the damned up emotion of years break out of their confinement and miraculously hello let's say if you do the fifth step your defects will miraculously vanish as soon as they're exposed but if you don't you hold on to them you play a phony life and usually you drink or do other stuff right that doesn't let you stay sober. And when humility and serenity are so combined, something else, a great moment is apt to occur. Many in AA once agnostic or atheistic. So what are they saying here? Even if you think you're an atheist, they said all you need to do is believe that you believe, maybe perhaps for a little bit, do the step. And then it says right here, once agnostic, it tells us that it was during the stage of step five that he first actually felt the presence of god so if we don't show the people how important to do these steps are right from the beginning we don'T get to the point where the agnostic changes his mind or her mind or the atheist right we DON'T get that chance to overcome that beautiful hurdle and we go on with it for our whole sobriety sitting in the back of the room don'T worry about the god thing right because i don't want to talk about the god thing because they never did the fifth step really right and i just come here to talk and i'm willing to kill you for my own self-comfort sorry facts right and even those who had faith already so even if you came in here and you didn't believe it says often become conscious of god as they never were before these are like promises these are beautiful promises i see you jerry lynn the feeling of being at one with god and man this emerging from being alone isolation it says through the open and honest sharing of our terrible burden of guilt brings us to a resting place where we may prepare ourselves for the following steps toward a full meaningful surprise so i gotta do the rest of the steps and i'll get happier oh the 12 and 12 the 12 in 12 i think we should start reading that a little bit more it's very lovely after you've read the big book so let's go do a little bit of step five in the big Book how's the time situation Lily you are fine um it is eight halfway through eight o'clock yeah it's perfect timing right so into action who knew the step five was in the big book chapter six having made our personal inventory what shall we do about it having done our fourth step what shall We have been I think it says hold on we've been trying not to drink right no it says we've tried to get a new attitude a new relationship with our capital C creator that's what we're doing here you think you stopped trying to drink the program of alcohol it's anonymous tells you you're trying to get a relationship with god the byproduct of that relationship with God is I haven't had a drink for 25 years right that's the by-product of a relationship with G-d and to discover the obstacles that have passed we have admitted certain defects we have ascertained rough wayward the troubles we've put our finger on the weak items in the personal inventory now listen to this promise once i discover what these problems are right column three column four it says now these are going to be cast out think about it fishing but i'm taking my defects and casting them out all fishing references it's amazing everything's a fishing reference what did what a beautiful promise that is this requires action uh-oh count me out this requires actually not our part which when completed will mean that we have admitted to God ourselves nothing being the exact nature or defects this brings us to the fifth step so it's in italics so I know this is where the fifth Step is in the big book right page 72 mentioned the preceding chapter this is perhaps difficult especially discussing our defects with another person oh my god how many times have we talked about that in the 12 and 12 uh-oh we think this is us thinking before we have a relationship with real relationship with god right we think we have done enough in admitting these things to ourselves sounds like what bill said a little while ago after 15 years later 18 years later there is doubt about that an actual practice we usually find here we go a solitary self-appraisal insufficient so you suck this is me talking to myself you're terrible you're a loser i can't believe you did that you did that again you're never going to be able to get over this you're dumb right that's not going to work it's what it says here many of us thought necessary to go much further we will be more reconciled discussing ourselves with another person when we see the good reasons why to do so and then they tell you the best reason right the best reason first if we skip this vital means life step we may not overcome drinking which is why you think you're here but it's telling you if you don't do a fifth step you're probably going to keep drinking right time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts of their life that easier softer ways described before trying to avoid this humbling right because of our egos we don't want to get humble they have turned to easier methods how many times you say he's your softer way almost uh-oh jerry lynn it says almost invariably they got drunk hammered right see Jim page 36 see Fred page 40 right I'm not like you guys thanks for the information right he failed to enlarge his spiritual life drunk drunk drunk drink drunk having persevered with the rest of the program they wonder why they felt we think the reason is they never completed their fourth step their house cleaning right again we get less and less people as the steps that he goes along Judy's doing one recently every time you go in next week the next chapter you got less people it's been happening since the beginning of time right it's definitely been happening since the beginning of zoom they took inventory but they hung on to some of the worst items in stock they only thought I'm going back to that and this This is in italics and back-to-back lines. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear. They only though they had humbled themselves. Guys, I just told you, I'm finding out today in a fifth step I just did, it was more of a 10-step, 5th step, whatever it was, it was off of an inventory, that I still got egoism and fear and I'm not humble. That sucks and it's also probably going to be another cornerstone, right? But they had not learned enough about humility, fearlessness, and honesty in the sense that we find it necessary until they told someone, another person, all their life story. Here, more than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, right, he is very much the actor which Bill pulled out when we just read that, right. To the outer world, he presents stage characters. This is the one he likes to spell C. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but he knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it, right? When does my sponsor always says it? And I don't like to curse, but she says, I know I'm a piece of shit. When are they all going to find out, right ? I know on the piece of s**t, they're all going to find me out and then I think sometimes we try to make them find this out so we can be, you know, we want to just be right. The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes the memories far inside himself. So think about the fifth step, right? All the things that all our life that we've been stuffing in ourselves, right, which we never want to look at, We've got to go deep diving, right, and bringing all that stuff out. We've been putting stuff on top of it for years, layers and layers and layers of stuff, right? He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension. This makes for more, Jerry Lynn, drinking, more drinking from this stuff it says. Drink, drink, drink. Drink, drank, drink., right? Psychologists are inclined to agree with us. We have spent thousands of dollars for examinations where we lied and paid money and co-pays to have someone listen to our crap. And now you got me into this fellowship where I don't even have to put two bucks in. In fact, most of the times I don t. And I get to do the same thing I do at the psychiatrist. Just making a little mental note there. Right? We have seldom told them the truth nor have we followed their advice unwilling to be honest with these sympathetic men we were honest with no one else liar liar pants on fire we're just liars dudes right and the first thing that comes to our mind usually i think i'll go with this small wonder many in the medical profession have a low opinion of alcoholics and their chances for recovery look i say this kindly if i look back at myself and and all the stuff that i was doing in in the rooms i truly believe there's a very low chance of recovery in most rooms of alcoholics anonymous aa i really do because they're not doing the program of alcohols anonymous so i agree with these people right mostly from experience right i'm not calling them out i'm calling me out from my experience it says we must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long so we always say when we're doing the steps andrew is in the middle of my screen he hasn't blinked one time yet and he's just staring at me it's making me so nervous right if we expected so if you don't want to live long don't do this right it says right here or happily happy is really important guys see page page 151, those of us belong to religious denominations, which it says that most of the first 100 joined, which requires confession, which is most religions that I know must and of course will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it it's a beautiful time to be doing this confession correct judy this holy week stuff um though we have no though we had no religious connection so it said either you have religious connection if you don't have religious connection we hold on a second if you don't know have a religious connection they're still telling you we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by established religion so go to the religious people if you're like religion and if you don't like religion go to him anyway that's what the book says i didn't make it up right i'm reading right britney am i just reading britney i'm meeting britney i'm not making any of this stuff up you could read it too anybody we often find such a person a religious person quick be quick to see where religious people write quick to see and understand our problem the religious people understand your problem because they've been dealing with this it's in all their writings it's in their writings, it's what they experience, it is what they help people with okay of course we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics so they're telling you here you pick the religion you pick the religion Nola right doesn't tell you which one to choose it says we have no right here we go again when we're talking about getting ready to make amends we have no right to save our own skin at another person's expense i'm down a little further down in the next paragraph um you know i i actually have a a cross out on this next bottom paragraph here because it said this is all the stuff about when the book was the only thing they had you're in the middle of wisconsin there's not a group there's none of us but there's nobody to help you and it says you what you really want to find the right person that's not the situation anymore you click a button you enter password there's 50 people that'll take you through the steps right cut the crap it's readily available so it says when we decide on the top 75 who's to hear us that we waste no time aa says waste time the fellowship the rooms of aa say waste time it says we waste no time we have a written inventory and we're prepared for a long time long talk we explain to our partner what we are due and why we have to do it he should realize we are engaged in a death threat here life and death errand this is what the big book says right most people approaching this way will be glad to help and be honored at their confidence somebody asked me to help them take other steps it's like oh my god sure i can't believe you asked me right if you knew how crazy i was you'd probably ask somebody else but i i can take you through right and here we go here we go yo right we pocket our pride here's our fifth step jerry lynn i know you got me so what so what's the scenario i got you right we pocket our pride and go to it here's the fifth step promises i'm going to say that again fifth step promises the promises are not just on the shade in the room the ninth step promises those were just highlighted once and everybody in the world puts them on a shade there's beautiful promises through the whole book we pocketed our pride and go through it illuminated every twist of character every dark cranny of the past what here we go would you have eaten your vegetables and worked out and studied hard because it says here once we have taken this step withholding nothing we are what jerry lynn what's it say come on come off mute tell me what it says once we Have Taken the Step Withholding Nothing We Are What I said at the beginning of the meeting delighted if someone told you eating spinach when you were young if you eat the spinach you'd be delighted you might have had a bit of the book's telling you if you do the fifth step you're going to be delighted if you don't hold back anything we can look here's your promises we can look the world in the eye anybody walk past people with their head sideways we can looked the world and yeah we can be alone at perfect peace and ease that means no television no phone, no chocolate chips. Seriously. Our fears fall from us. That means I don't even have to do anything, right? It's like my hair fell out. I guess my fears can fall out, right. Pretty cool. We begin, this is a good one, we begin to feel the nearness of our capital c creator guy god we begin to feel the nearness of god we may have had certain spiritual beliefs but now we begin to have a spiritual experience cindy will you please read for me the 12th step what does it say having had what hold on i'll wait for you what do we do what do you want read the 12 step for me having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we tried to carry this message in all all all having had a spiritual awaking experience right it says we begin so we're beginning to have step 12 already right the feeling that the drink problem has disappeared been unsolved, ex-problem drinker, cured, if you want to talk like the founders, will often come strongly. We feel we are on the broad highway. They're not talking about that road in Florida. What is it? The Florida Turnpike? Not talking about the Jersey Turnpik or I-95. We feel where on the capitalized B, capitalized H, we're with God. We're on the road with God, walking hand in hand with the capitalized spirit of the universe. God, what promises are those, man? And then it tells us at the end of five, we go back home. It's Zoom. You don't have to go anywhere. You're home. You're stuck home, right? Shortcut, shortcut, shortcut. Shortcut. I like shortcuts. Returning home, we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour. That would be 60 minutes in America, right? For one hour. We tell people to set an alarm for a minute and one because it's the most important hour of your whole life, right, carefully reviewing what we have done. So you're going to carefully review your fourth step. It says we thank our sponsor. Nah. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. It said at the beginning of the step, why am I doing this? It says I'm trying to get a new relationship with my creator. And then the promise comes true where it says we know him better. Two pages later, I know him better. My relationship with God is better. Right? Taking this book down from our shelf, whether you want to do it or not, we tell everybody put the book on a shelf and take it down. Why? Because it says if we have carefully followed directions, we may have begun to sense the flow of his spirit into us in step 10. Why would I skip on putting a little book on a shelf? Why wouldn't I write with black pen when it says black and white on white paper? I stole all this stuff from Scott Lee, guys. Right? Why wouldn'T I write with a black pen on white paper? Because I'm obstinate. That's why. But why not do it? Put the book on shelf. Take it down, right? We turn to the page which contains the 12 steps, page 59 carefully reading the first five proposed first five step we ask we pray if we have admitted anything for we are building an arch here comes all the building stuff russell will tell you there's a few of the building analogies that might be in the bible builder builder builder cornerstone arch mortar sand here would say here we were trying to walk a free man is our work solid so far? Are there stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement? Like have we lied? Have we omitted? Because if it says you did, you're going to get a weak house and you're going to drink some more. That's what it says. Have we skipped on the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand? So guys, that's our fifth step, right? And I just told you i just did one about an hour ago it was an official one right but it was a fifth step i sat down with someone who i had written inventory with he saw the inventory he set up a chat right and god set it up where i had a free time after work in between this i called him and he said to me you know what he said when he picked up he goes oh my god this is the perfect time to talk to you. I have some time. And I was like, I got it. I got you. Right? So fifth step, have you done one? Have you ever really done one, right? I'll put our services, my service, our peep services on the line anytime you want. We can take you through these steps like this, right last August, right guys? My pain hasn't been just for a week. It's been going on for days weeks months last august i did a fifth step with russell and my sponsor simultaneously while i was in the midwest right better things have come from it there's more coming we're supposed to do this stuff constantly right if you're not sharing if you've done these steps already and you're nicht sharing your 10th step with people right you're selling yourself short. Look, I don't want to do that thing at the night, at the inventory. I don' t want to do it. What everybody else is doing, I feel stupid if I'm not the only one doing it. And then somebody calls me on something. Right? So you know what? Do we have some time for some shares? Lily, I think I'm done, right? Fifth step promises. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, Jerry Lynn, where are we? delighted it's the delighted step look, it's delighted I love you guys thank you so much