Anna B. – Step 4 Inventory – Step 4 And The First Resentment – 2018

My sobriety date is January 7th, 2011. I have a sponsor who has a sponsor. I sponsor other women. My home group is the Fifth Tradition Group. Yeah, Yona was a real creep when I met him. I was the silent creepy one and he was the creepy one in the back of the room that would have small animals in his pocket and would play with them um so naturally we became fast friends um you know I just recently told my story at my home group and um when I think about my childhood I remember the first time I told my sorry it was this like very dark tale of like a lot of arguments and fighting and that's true like that those things did happen but my perspective on that has changed a lot the longer I've stayed sober now I look at that time as like my parents doing the best that they could they had a really unhappy marriage my dad was getting high all the time so naturally there's a lot of arguments my mom expected my dad to grow up once they had children and my dad thought things were going to stay the same um so I have those memories, but like, I also know that I never had to question how much my parents loved me. Um, I was provided for, I like in the grand scheme of things, I think I had a pretty good childhood. Um, my parents got divorced when I was like seven, six or seven. And my younger sister is five and a half years younger than me. So she was really young when they got divorced and this like hyper insecurity that I've always carried with me through my whole life. I remember even then, um, I remember when she was born, I just thought she was so cute. And I was like, naturally my parents won't love me anymore because she's just cuter than I am. And, um, i, i was like a rough older sister. I think, i think most older siblings are, but i was pretty rough on her. Um, cause i was jealous and if i'm jealous of you, I'm going to be pretty rough. And my parents got divorced, and that kind of like rocked the foundation a little bit. But honestly, I don't remember being like too traumatized by that. My parents did a pretty good job of co-parenting. And then the bigger event was when my mom got remarried because I hated this guy that she married. He was my first resentment on my resentment inventory. um, really for, for no reason other than I just hate, I hated him. Um, he got in my way. He didn't let me do what I wanted to do. Um. And so I hated Him from the beginning and when they got married, so my parents get divorced, they get remarried. I switched schools and my mom got sick and she had a brain tumor and she had been like super healthy my whole life. So that, that all kind of culminated into, I think like a pretty formative time for me. My mom went from like working all the time to she, after she had her surgery and she's totally fine now, but she couldn't drive anymore. She slept all the Time. So I just, my role in the family really changed. And when I switched schools, this was another thing that I feel like I've carried through my whole life. You know, I was fourth grade so I was like eight and I remember thinking like nothing about making new friends or about leaving my old friends. I was like thank God I can be someone new. Like I can be someone totally different now as an eight year old which is a really strange thought to have I think because I just like didn't at the core of who I was. Like, I just didn't think I was okay. And so then I was going to Alateen a lot because I was sure that I was not going to drink and drug like my dad. And I was like going to alateen right up until I drank and smoked pot for the first time. And like, I think the book talks about it. You know, I Just thought I don't know, it's presented with an opportunity. And all of a sudden, like all these morals and these high, high bars that I had set for myself, like just went out the window. Like I didn't even think about them. It was presented in front of me and it was not very memorable. Like it was, it was fine. I feel like a lot of people, you know, really think a lot about their first drink. I, it was five as a beer and we smoked pot out of a Coke can. I mean, it's kid stuff, you know, I think I was 13 or 14. But something did like take off for me at that point where I really started to notice that that stuff made me feel different and I liked feeling different. It was something outside of myself that I could take and I didn't have to be the same, like hyper insecure, never felt like I fit in person. Like I had friends all the time. I had plenty of people that I spent time with, but I just never felt like I could fit in, in any meaningful way. Um, and so that carried me through high school. Um, all through high School, I was just constantly in trouble. Like all, all the time, I think I was grounded more than I wasn't grounded in high school um my parents though like never knew the half of it and I I do have to say I respect the primary purpose um and I want to make sure that I stick to my alcoholism but my alcohol also like led me into a lot of other things and I think especially when you're a 15 year old kid like sometimes when you'RE dating a drug dealer like hard drugs are a lot more accessible than alcohol um and so that's what I did and I dated this guy all through high school and we met because he was selling me drugs and I just thought like I'm gonna be with you now forever um because you have what I want and um I made sure that that happened and like boy did I cause a lot of damage in that relationship, in that like seeking of my medicine, you know. It's funny, he is the one person, well sort of besides my sister who has never allowed me to make amends to him. I have tried so many times and he is not interested in hearing anything I have to say um which honestly I can't blame him um because when I drink and do drugs like I'm a different person I cheat and I steal and I lie and I uh manipulate and I'm kind of I don't know I'm the worst I'm worse and um it's really funny to look back on that time now but in in the in the moment um honestly I didn't really see anything wrong with what I was doing like it was a means to an end it got me what I wanted when I wanted it um and I just thought that was the way I was going to live um so my junior year of high school I'm like really struggling my grades are struggling my parents are starting to really get concerned about my lack of performance mostly because I wasn't going to school. And, um, so I came up with this awesome plan where I was like, why don't I do this alternative school program where you take all your classes online from a school in California? And they were, they were just really impressed that I had like taken some initiative in anything. Um, but the real reason I wanted to do that because I knew if I'm taking classes online like I can cheat really easily and I can just spend all my time doing what I want to do which is getting loaded um and so this plan like works out and I somehow go from like almost failing out junior year to like straight A's my senior year um and my parents thought like my god it was those horrible kids she was around and all those bad influences because that, that was the card I always played. Um, when I got in trouble, like I could pull it together and I could flash a smile and make everyone think everything was okay. And um, blame a lot of other people for, uh, for what I was doing. And the truth was like, it was me. Like I was getting a ton of friends in trouble and I was making a lot of horrible decisions um so graduate high school and I know at that point like I'm just crawling out of my skin when I'm not drunk or high like I just it's not an everyday thing um but when I don't when I go without it or I don't know when my next one's coming I'm dying and um it's like it was like actually physically painful to me if I didn't know I can count on getting drunk or high in a day or two days um and so that wasn't really like flying under my parents roof they weren't really thrilled about my behavior and so I uh knew that my solution was to move out and so So I've, like, rounded up some girls and we found this house. And this house was conveniently located very close to a place where I knew I had endless access to weed, which was, like. Very strategic. And I. We move into this house and, like things go bad very quickly. It goes from, like this fun. we're 18 like we're all living in this house together to um our power's getting cut off all the time and we're having parties but all of a sudden like people stop wanting to come over to parties which is weird when you have drugs and alcohol you expect people to always come over and there was there was kind of a point in this like partying where people didn't even want to come over anymore it didn't really matter what we had at the house um and I mean as far as I was concerned like more for me and partying partying parting and at this time like it's still fun for me like I was enjoying it I uh is working for me I could take a drink or a drug and I would feel different and I Would feel a part of and I WOULD feel like people liked me more. And I was the life of the party, which like naturally I just didn't have in me. And then things just really took a nose dive. You know, I got sober when I was 19. So like I did not drink or drug very long. But like boy, did I crash and burn very quickly. I've heard um another home group member talk about how like at least people who drink for 10 or 20 years like have a little bit of coping skills for life like I didn't have any like I just once I was out on my own it was just a matter of time before it exploded and um so this was the winter of 2010 and by this point like I can't go a day without drugs or alcohol um I'm like stealing from everyone around me and blaming my other roommates and that's just very volatile situation to be living in um and I well let's see I decide to go get a tattoo instead of using the money that my roommates give me to pay the heat bill so we have no heat we have no gas like cook food we have no hot showers we have this toilet in our house we had one bathroom for four girls and just hordes of people in and out of the house and that toilet stopped working and none of us would fix it And so our solution was to duct tape it closed when we would have people over and just say, like, don't use. But when people are fucked up, like they're going to – it doesn't matter. So this – I mean that became a huge issue. And then it was – oh, gosh, it was really bad. And it was real. It was really sad. And so we had that, and it was just – it wasn't fun anymore, and it wasn'T cute anymore. No one thought what was going on in this house was enjoyable anymore. And I – that same home group member that I was talking about earlier, who also got sober when they were 19, also had an experience like this. And he had the forethought when his toilet wasn't working, he actually like siphoned water from the neighbor's hose into his bathroom to be able to flush the toilet. And I didn't do that. I would just pee in cups in my room and throw them out the window. And I thought that was genius. Like I thought That was a solution to my problem. But the way my car was parked was right under my window. And so every morning I would walk out to my car, and my car would smell like pee, and I wouldn't remember. And it was a whole thing. And that didn't happen for, like, a small piece. That was a long time this was going on every day. It was gross. It was growth. And so all this is going on. All during this time I'm nannying, which is a horrific position for someone in my condition to be in. And these poor people trusted me with their children and keys to their houses. And I just, I mean, I took advantage of that to the highest level. That was one of those things that I'll talk about in a minute. But that was the one thing that I left off of my inventory and I wasn't going to talk about. because I just, there's no gray area there. Like when you're a babysitter and you leave the children alone, like that is bad. There's no like walking around that one. And so my performance at work is obviously awful. I worked three days a week and I couldn't even make it without calling out sick at least once. I had failed out of community college already by that point twice. I just like could not do it. I couldn't do life. I couldn'T show up. I couldn' do much of anything and so we're headed into like January 2011 and that's my sobriety date and in that this like two-week period, I'm about to fail out of school again and I take a bunch of Xanax and I drink a bunch and I drive my car and I total my car and I ride it home somehow. But I know, I still don't know like what I hit and you know, it was funny then. Like I remember laughing about it and being like, oh my God, I'm so crazy. Like can you believe that happened? And like the people around me thought it was fun Like, that was the kind of people I had surrounded myself with at that point. But it was not funny or cute when I would, like, when I had to walk out to my car and, like, check for blood on my car. Like,that was really scary for me. And so I'm about to fail out. I'm, my house is a wreck. I can't perform at work. Like, all of these things are happening, and I'm really starting to, like, not enjoy this lifestyle anymore. Like, I was just starting to get really tired. More than anything else, more than wanting to stop, I Was Just Getting Really Tired of Living That Way. And so then I, after I totaled my car, I'm still trying to, like, drive it back and forth to work. And I had called my mom the night before and, you know, I just said I need some help. I don't know what to do. And the truth was I was just going to manipulate her into giving me money. Like that was the truth of it. At the time, I would have said, you now, I wanted help and I just didn't know how to get through. But like I'm sure if I had had any wiggle room to manipulate here, I wouldn't have done it. I would've taken it. And instead, on the way to this little meeting with my mom, I get pulled over and I end up getting arrested for a possession charge because I was also driving without a license and suspended registration. And, I mean, I was driving as illegally as you can drive with a total car. and i remember just crying to this police officer and just saying like please don't arrest me and he just laughed at me and he was like i have to arrest you there's no other option um and i was like well can i call my mom and i called my mom in the back of the car and i said mom i'm in the back of a car and she thought i had gotten kidnapped and I was like no i'm arrested which was equally as horrifying to her because I had, you know, she knew things were like kind of bad but she didn't know that that's where we were and so I go to jail for the night and I just remember thinking, well like my first thought was like don't they know who I am? Like not in the sense of oh I'm so important but in the sentence of I was raised better than this. Like, I'm not the girl who's supposed to end up here. And after sitting there for quite a while, like, the thought that I wound up with was, like you did this, you know, your decisions put you here, like your choices put you Here, I couldn't, I wouldn't blame anyone else. I think it was the first time I was like, sort of willing to take responsibility for something I had done. Um, and that was, that was big for me to be able to see like, this was you, nobody else. This was you. Um, And so when I got out of jail, my parents, my mom and stepdad came and picked me up and, um, you know, we are kind of getting by for the next few days. And then they caught me in like another couple lies um I don't even remember I remember one of them was that I I had this lizard and I told them that this lizard was still alive and it wasn't and they were like you're lying about that too like that's so stupid and it was just like it was all these little things just like kept you know coming up I'd stolen my sister's prom dress that was one of them and so all these little things came up and they were just like they were so done with me and they I remember they cornered me in our guest room and they like put chairs in front of the door and my mom was crying and so upset and my stepdad was like I'm not gonna have a lying stealing drug addict whore in my house. And I was like, Oh, uh, but he was right. I mean that, like that, that was, that's who I was. Um, I was appalled that he would say that to me. Uh, but he Was right. And, um, so my mom, I don't remember who said it, my mom or my stepdad said do you think you need help and I said yes and I immediately regretted saying that and didn't didn't want to be like oh no no I was just kidding I don't actually need help um but like before I could really make any sort of plea to them they were on the phone and they're calling people and they got me an appointment to be um to you know fill out the forms and like you know have me analyzed or whatever like um assessed and this was in the first like really big ice storm that we had that that winter of 2011 so the roads were really unsafe and my parents were like oh no we're going and we went out we were sliding all over but we got to this office and I got evaluated, and I really didn't think that my – I'm sure at the most I was like 40% honest on this evaluation sheet of the kind of drugs I've been doing and the frequency I've been doing them and how much do I drink every day and all that stuff. And they were really alarmed by what I put on there, and that was concerning to me because I knew I wasn't – I was as honest as I could be at that point, but I knew I hadn't told the truth. So they gave me a couple options, and we decided to go to this small treatment center in North Carolina. And on the way up, I got pinkeye, and I was like, see, Mom, I can't go. I have pinkeyes. It's contagious. We can't do it. And she called, and they were like, just have her on meds for 24 hours, and then she can come. And so we just got an extra hotel room for another night so I could get my meds, so we could make sure I could go. Because I think they knew – they didn't know how bad it was, but they knew they had a really short window with me before I got out of this somehow. And if they had driven home to let me take my medicines, I probably would have left, you know. And I'm really grateful that they saw enough in that moment to understand, like, we've got this time and this is probably it. And so they dropped me off at treatment. And I remember thinking, like – you know, there's these sobriety moments. and um I just remember sitting on the porch this like little farmhouse my parents are leaving and I just knew that like right then my life would never be the same from right then you know it was either gonna be sober which like I had no idea what the hell that meant It sounded awful, or I was going to go back to what I was doing, and that sucked too. And that was a big moment for me. And so I stayed there for 30 days, and it was big. You know, I always think I'm not going to cry, and I always do. It was a really cool experience for me. It introduced me to AA. The only thing I knew about AA before was that my dad had tried it, and he called it a religious cult and that we would never go back. And I've been around Allotine, so I just really didn't know what AA would look like for me um so we were going to meetings all this time and this is in like rural rural North Carolina and I legitimately could not understand anything anyone said in meetings and I was like well this is terrible I if this is what AA is it's exactly what I thought like it's a bunch of old guys who sit around and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and I cannot understand what they say um and luckily I was wrong I mean there's lots of different meetings um but I did like I started to be introduced to AA and to the big book and to The Steps and I had this counselor that was like five feet tall and would just like rail into you and she didn't let me get away with anything she would just you're lying you're like all the time um that's the first time anyone had ever done that like like just would call me on it constantly and it it taught me I don't know that it taught мне to be honest I feel like the steps really taught me that but it definitely taught me what a liar I was you know I started to notice like how much I would just fly out of my mouth it was my natural state is to just be full shit all the time um you know and I remember we had to write our life story and and I wrote that and she uh I remember her just right she would she would write on it and she would say are you having fun yet I remember her like repeating that because I used to say why I just thought I was having fun she's like this doesn't look fun. You know, your life up until this point does not sound like a girl who's having fun. Um, and she was right. And, you know, I got through treatment and I left and I knew, I mean, honestly, at that point, I still didn't think I was an alcoholic. Um. I knew I was a drug addict. I new I needed to stay away from drugs. Um but, like, I just, I had a harder time identifying as an alcoholic and they told me to get a sponsor when I came back to Atlanta and I called a woman that they had provided me her phone number and I couldn't get a hold of her and she never called me back. And, um, so I just started going to meetings only not because I wanted to and not because I thought it was a really good idea, but because I hadn't been in court yet for my charges. And my lawyer said I should really start going to meeting And so I kept going to meetings, and I was starting to get like a little bit of traction. And then I remember I was living at home. You know, my parents had, you know, that awful stepdad that I hated so much had like graciously let me back into their house. And there was a night where I just didn't want to go to a meeting. And I was tired, andI just didn' t want to gO. and I was doing 90 and 90 and my mom said, well, I'm going to this place and there's an Al-Anon meeting and I'm taking your sister and there is an AA meeting and you're going. I was like, okay. So we went and it ended up being 5th and it was at Peachford and I just remember it was people telling their stories and I saw a woman there who I knew from when I was growing up and I thought that was going to really freak me out but it actually was super comforting to me to just see someone that I had remembered like being pretty normal who's also in this room and doing this thing and she had like six or seven months at the time and I don't know, that was a cool experience for me And I remember just feeling attached to this meeting, like something in that meeting was super attractive to me. And I hadn't felt it in other meetings before. And I just remember running back to my mom and being like, this is it, you know, like this is what they talk about when they talk about AA. And that was awesome. And I think, you know, I forget to be really grateful that we live in Atlanta with so many meetings because there are so many opportunities for you to find a meeting that works. Because I think like, you Know, in small towns or people who don't live in big cities like this, they don't have that opportunity. It's like here's the meeting and you can like it or not. um but I I found a meeting that I really loved and I'm super lucky to have that um so started going to that meeting and I loved it and I love what they were doing and I thought was really attractive and I refused to do anything um I just sat there and like soaked it all in and wouldn't talk to anyone. Um, and I just, I don't know. I was scared. I was scared and I had a sponsor that I gotten from a different meeting and I thought she was the best sponsor ever because she was, um, she'd been sober really long time, like 30 or 40 years. And she was this very sweet old lady and she would tell me all these wonderful things like just like take it easy and take care of yourself and like be easy on yourself but we weren't working any steps so it would be a lot of like relaxation and not a lot of anything else which I thought was great except six months in I was dying of alcoholism um just I was just this dry drunk like sitting around and um I just, something had to give. And that was definitely the first time in my life I can remember like seriously considering suicide just because I had no solution, like there was no solution there. Like it was either, I'm either gonna, drinking, drinking just didn't sound like an option. So like I'm gonna do this AA thing, which just also doesn't seem like an option or I'm just going to off myself. Um, and so I'm kind of at this turning point and really the, you know, the, the deciding factor for me in getting to that point was I'd seen all these people around me that were, um, getting well and I wasn't, um. And I was hurt and bad. And all these other people were doing things like had sponsors, and they were working the steps, and they Were involved. And I just thought, okay, fine, you know, whatever, I'll do it. And I'm not going to be happy about it, and this is stupid, and it's not going To work, but whatever, I'll Do it. And so I found a sponsor who I had seen this whole, like six month period and she was super busy and involved. And, um, so I decided to ask her to sponsor me and that changed my whole life. Um, I usually don't cry. I always cry, but not usually this much. Um... So it just, um... To have another woman to sit across from you when you so believe like at the core of your being that you are the worst and the things that you've done are just unforgivable to have someone sit next to you and say like love you anyway you know you belong here anyway um that's a really cool experience and now I get to do that with other women which is also a very cool experience um that a lot of people don't have and you know I'm really lucky to be able to do that and uh so I started working the steps and um god I was dragging my feet but I did them you know and I started to get more comfortable and I started to get happier. And, you know, things change quickly here. It's actually quite astounding. Even now, my turnaround is pretty quick. My sponsor and I talk about it a lot. Like I'll get stuck and I'll be miserable and unhappy. And then very quickly, if I just start doing what I'm supposed to do for like a couple days, I start to feel better. You know, the solution here works. I definitely did not believe in God when I got here. I wasn't an atheist, but I just, I thought God was stupid. I really thought any idea that wasn't mine was stupid, if I'm honest. And you know, I just I think I was just like beaten down enough and I try to think a lot you know when I talk to new girls or when I talked to people about their early days like what what that was like for me and I think the best way to describe it is just like broken like we just come here broken you know and in lots of different ways and you know I the process is tough you know getting sober is not easy um it's it's hard and it's you have to put in a lot of work. And, and with this God idea, I think, you know, when I, when I got to the third step, like it was just, I was like, okay, I believe that you believe let's, let's like move forward. Um, I just trusted her enough and I trusted the process enough to keep going. And I think really in those first three steps, my biggest hangup was understanding if I was an alcoholic or not. Cause I really I know a lot of people identify um you know whether they're an alcoholic or not before they get here and I just didn't um and I think I think that's kind of the beauty of the steps is like working the steps through the book I identified myself you know I I read these stories where I thought I wasn't going to relate and all of a sudden I'm relating and I'm related and And I'm in meetings, and I'm relating. And I just don't think normal people have that experience when they come to an AA meeting. And so it was just getting better. You know, it was consistently getting better in that time. And, you know, I talked about my stepdad being my first resentment on my – I mean, that was quick. That was easy. I knew he was going to be my first one. And he just did his best. I mean, never mind the fact, you know, perspective is such a funny thing. When I look back and I realize that this poor guy, like, married this woman with two little girls and he had two kids of his own and she was running this super successful business And then within, like, two months of them getting married, she gets sick with a brain tumor and can't ever work again. And he goes and gets his real estate license so he can take over her business so she doesn't lose it. Like, those are the kinds of things as a kid where I was like, it didn't even occur to me that this man was doing anything for me. Because on the surface, like he wouldn't give me money and he wouldn'T drive me into my friend's houses. And he wouldn'T, like sign on for my bullshit all the time. Um, but he was just, he was so great and doing so many great things for my family. And, um, you know, I just thank God for the fourth and fifth stuff. Um, it just like all of the, the facts are all there, but I get to see this from a completely different angle and that's, that's really cool. Um, so, you know, going through the steps when, when I did six and seven, the first time, honestly, um, I didn't have this like super profound experience probably because I'd left that stuff off of my fifth step. Um, I feel like being dishonest in your fifth step usually affects that. And what would happen is every, I feel like a lot of people talk about this. Every meeting I would go to, somebody was like, if you don't tell the truth on your fifth step, you'll drink. I mean, every,I feel like every meeting in that period, I heard somebody say that. And so I remember one night I just like ran out to my sponsor and I was like I didn't tell you something. Oh my God, I'm going to drink. And I told her and I'm sure she was just like okay, you know, let's add it on there. because I it wasn't that I didn't want to share that so much as I knew I was going to have to make amends to those women that I had worked for and I just I had done so many awful things and they legitimately had no idea and those are the tough ones when people know I had done some really shitty things it was easier to go face them and say hey yeah you're right Like you were right all along. I did do those things. But to go and sit down with somebody who's like, why are you why did you ask to sit down with me? I thought everything was fine. Those are scary. And so when we when we made my amends list and after of course, after I get honest with this, and I'm starting to build a little momentum with six and seven, like I'm trying to have this awesome experience where I'm I'm saying the seven step prayer and I'm just, I'm getting a little traction here. And I think I just really felt like a part of AA at that point. And so I do my list and I am getting ready to make my amends and I, I get a couple going and then I do these amends. You know, we have these three women that I needed to make amends to and my sponsor suggestion was like, well, why don't we put them in order from easiest to hardest? Like, we'll start with the easy one. And the one I thought was going to be easiest was awful. It was the hardest amends I did. She had a list of questions that she was asking me once she figured out that I was coming to make amends and that I wasn't going to do it. I was in a 12-step program. She had, like, what drugs were you doing? How often were you, like all these questions. And I was super overwhelmed with how to answer those. Um, I, I have no idea what I said to her. I did my best. Um, and then the one that I thought was going to be the worst was by far the best amends I did. Um, she was so kind and just said, if you ever need anything, please let us know. We love you. We care about you. Please keep doing what you're doing. Like all those, all the things we want to hear when we do an amends, like she said all of them. and just goes to show you, like, I'm wrong about a lot of things. I was so sure how that was going to go, and it completely went opposite. All my other amends were good. My sister, you know, I had thought because she was so much younger than me during that time, I really thought I hadn't hurt her that much because I was out of the house or away from the house when I was really in the throes of things. And so I just thought I hadn't really affected her, but the truth was, like, I had stolen her childhood. My parents were so consumed with, like what do we do about Anna that they weren't around for her. And so she has never been, like super interested in sitting down with me and letting me do a formal amends, but I definitely have had the opportunity to do a living amends with her and show up for her. And, um, that's, that'S been awesome. Just, I remember when I got my year chip, I was blown away that she said, good job. I just was like, Oh my God, she said something, you know, so great. And now we have this great relationship we like you know try to have lunch together and go to the gym together and um that that's really cool I remember at that same time when I asked her what she thought of that AA meeting it was the first one she'd ever gone to and I got my ear chip she's like you guys laugh about really fucked up stuff I thought I was like this is gonna be a profound experience between her and I. She's going to say something, you know, how this impacted her. And she knew we were crazy and I knew she was right. And I don't know, I've never really forgotten that. And so, you know I owed some money. That was really hard but it was very quickly pointed out to me that is not your money.That is their money that you are returning to them because you wasn't yours in the first place. You know, the amends process more than anything just allowed me the opportunity to humble myself and like really do the work and show people like I'm willing to do this, you know? I feel like we lose a lot of sponsees. I've definitely They had the experience of losing a lot of sponsees at four and nine. Like they just don't want to do it, and I get it. I felt the exact same way, and I also see the benefit on the other side of that in why we do what we do. 10, 11, and 12 have been an ongoing thing for me. I remember, I don't know, I was a couple years sober, and I was so distraught that I hadn't had any sponsee who had stayed sober. And, you know, it just now looking at it, I understand like what role I play and just hopefully planting a seed or being a part of their journey in some way. Because then it felt a lot like it was about me and my ability to sponsor instead of just passing on what had been passed on to me. um and you know praying every morning and every night is a ongoing process too I do my best to do that um you know it's it's neat though just like I was talking about earlier like this process allows me to practice. I remember probably like, I don't know, four years sober, I really thought like I have this. Like my program is pretty perfect. I'm doing so well. I struggle with this still sometimes of like, my God, it's going so well and everything's going so good. And then I'm humbled again. I realize I'm wrong again. Um, and then I get the opportunity to keep practicing. And I think, um, the ongoing practicing is a really beautiful process, um, that I'm grateful for now. And life today is big and, and busy. Um, but really great. I, you know, I, I was a girl who legitimately could not make three days of half day. I was working 15 hours a week and I could not make it um and now I just started a business in January which is terrifying and I still am uncomfortable saying I'm a business owner like I just don't feel like that's who I am but that that's what's going on um I have a great relationship coming from a girl who like had no success with relationships did not know how to be be in a relationship. I have awesome relationships with my family. That's the coolest part, I think. You know, I get to show up. I just have these opportunities where I get to showup in some capacity. And who knows what that looks like on a day-to-day basis but has the opportunity to show up every day um i feel like i'm a good a member in good standing in my group you know that's that's also a process um sometimes i can get in my head just like everyone else and think like oh i don't have a place here i don'T belong here nobody likes me You know, I tell myself this all the time. And then I just show up and I continue to do what I need to do and, like, remember that that's my job. You know? I just – it's a cool experience to look back on your sobriety. And I'm just, I'm really grateful for the journey that I've had and the experience that I've Had and all the things I've learned and for all of you guys being here. So thanks.