Analysis Paralysis and the Trap of the Thinking Mind — Earl M.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. a baby in this program and there was a man one night who had 20 years in the program and he said I just keep learning every time I come in here and that's what it is I always hear what I need to hear at a meeting no matter if I feel bad when I come in these rooms I always leave feeling better miracles miracles happen in these rooms and I don't even try to figure it out anymore I just know that it works if you work it it does take some action it does take some willingness and some acceptance and little by little those things begin to add up and you stop being angry and you stop having fear and you start trusting you're someone willing to share quick times you need newcomers, bring the bodies, the mind will follow. Thank you. Hi everyone, I'm Ed, I'm an alcoholic. Okay, the 12 traditions. One, our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery depends upon AA unity. Two, for our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority, a loving God as he may express himself in our group conscious. Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern. Three, the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. Four, each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or AA as a whole. Five, each group has but one primary purpose, to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers. Six, AA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the AA name to any related facility or organization. Or outside enterprise. Less problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. Seven, every AA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. Eight, Alcoholics Anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ social workers. Special workers, excuse me. This is new stuff to me. Okay. Nine, AA as such ought never to be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. Ten, Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the AA name ought to never be drawn into public controversy. Eleven, our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. And twelve, anonymity and the spiritual foundation, and of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. Thank you. Thanks a lot, Ed. Well, at this time, I'd like to introduce our main speaker this evening. And I've had the privilege and pleasure of knowing him, since I got to the program. And that's Earl M. of Walnut Creek. My name is Earl. I'm an alcoholic. All right. Do it again. My name is Earl. I'm an alcoholic. Alcoholic. I got to take this damn thing off. It's too hot. I happily have not had to take a drink or use any drugs. I've been taking drugs since June 15, 1953. And it's been... You know, there's a thing. This whole area is quite part of my past. I was raised in this neighborhood. As a matter of fact, the Catholic Church sits right in my former living room. So I was right in this area on Ellison Golf. And here we are talking at this. I've talked here several times. You know, I've been here for a long time. I've been here for a long time. And I was very commissioned. And I heard an attorney once. I've been here since I was about five years. I've been here for a long time. We've been here for almost a year. I've been here for six years. And I've been here for almost a year. You know, I don't think I'll go... I started to drink when I was 15. My father was alcoholic. My mother was too. She was not as severe as my father. She got drunk... Oh, she was a periodic. Got drunk two or three times a year. But hug the walls. And she got drunk. She was coming through. Really coming through. Then I have a... See, we think that mainly that all addiction, especially alcoholism, is a family inherited susceptibility. Now, some people have a family inheritance susceptibility. Now, there's some people that don't agree with this. So happens I'm a doctor and in this field. And there's some people that don't agree with that, but most of us feel that this is something that we inherited. I know that you, Vicki, or Mickey, I had, I shouldn't forget your name because my wife's name is Mickey. She said right over there. But that doesn't mean that everyone in an alcoholic family or addicted family becomes alcoholic or addicted to other drugs. My brother, for example, who just lives down the street here a half a block, is not an alcoholic. Mickey and I and his wife and my brother Dick would go out to dinner on Thanksgiving or Christmas, family affair. And my brother would take a martini and he'd look at it through the light like this, you know. And then he would take the martini and run it under his nose. Like this to get the bouquet. And then he would sip it. And then have the temerity to sit it down again. Well, you know, when I was drinking in my first few months of sobriety, this just drove me crazy. Because what I would have done is to knock it off. And I wonder why he didn't. But you see, the joke is on me. He is a perfectly normal drinker. He knows how to enjoy a drink. This is very foreign to me. I don't know how to enjoy one drink. I've done this in my life. But it was a real chore. And I don't, drinking, didn't like it. Incidentally, there is an argument these days, it isn't so much as it was last year, last few years, about addicts other than alcohol not being allowed in AA meetings. I don't know about this group here. And so there's some groups in AA, particularly in Central California, up in the mountains, they don't permit those who are involved in other drugs than alcohol to come to an AA meeting. Well, I think I'm going to get in the middle of that hornet's nest. You're crazy. But I can tell you this, that from a medical standpoint, all addictions are the same. They're all the same thing. Whether you've taken drugs or cocaine or lewds or Nembital or second all or marijuana or alcohol, it's all the same. I don't know how I got onto that, but I thought I'd say it anyway. There you are. I started to drink when I was 15. Lived in this neighborhood. My father was alcoholic. We had no booze at home. He was the one that drank outside the home. My mother drank in the home, but that was only two or three times a year. So I had no opportunity to test drugs to try it. Friend of mine, still a good friend of mine, who was not alcoholic, took me up to Russian River to I think it was Gurnville or someplace. And we rented two tents, or a tent with two cots. And we got some wine from a bootlegger known as Martinelli. I won't go into the whole thing, but he drank a very small amount of the wine, and I finished the whole thing with a matter of four quarts. I drank three and almost a half quarts of wine. Now that was during bootlegging days, and I'm sure the alcohol content was much lower than it is now. But on the other hand, it's one where I didn't die, but I didn't. But that's the way I drank for the rest of my life. It's the way I took drugs the rest of my life. I got addicted to amphetamines as well. I took them by mouth. We didn't shoot up in those days that I knew about. We had no cocaine. We had cocaine, but it wasn't a common thing. And, well, anyway, I went through my whole drinking career through medical school and whatnot. Luckily, I never endangered a patient. I stopped drinking early enough. So that I never endangered a patient. I was never in my office drunk, never in the hospital drunk. I did most of my surgery right here in San Francisco, and I didn't endanger anybody. And I had a partner who was very fine and took my calls if it need be. But finally we separated, and then it became necessary for me to come into AA. But I had no idea I was an alcoholic. In those days, in the early 50s and late 40s, we all thought that alcoholics and addicts were on skid row. They were not otherwise. We now know that just 3% of alcoholics are on skid row, so 97% of alcoholics are living next door to you and me. If someone said to me, are you a drunk? I'd say, well, I don't like the word, but I guess I am. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Do you drink too much? And I'd say, yes, I do. And they'd say, why don't you stop? And I'd say, I don't know. I remember one time I said, I plan to stop. I've gone on the wagon many times, but I just can't. I can't stay on it. I recall one time, it was on a Sunday, I said to myself, I'm not going to drink again. I'm going on the wagon for good. So I didn't drink on the rest of Sunday evening, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I came home Friday night, afternoon, Friday evening. I poured out a glass of vodka and drank it down. And as I did, I said, Earl, I thought you said to me you weren't going to drink again. I just couldn't stop. But I never called myself an alcoholic. It just never occurred to me. It never occurred to me at that time. Well, I won't go into my drinking career. It's the same as yours, the same sloppy nonsense, you know. And I luckily had a partner who cared for me very well. And so I didn't get into serious trouble with any of my patients. Let me tell you a little bit about the last day of my drinking, and then I'll spend some time telling you a little bit about what's happened to me since I've been in AA. Is that okay with you? Is that all right? Okay, all right. I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to do it anyway. The last day of my drinking started at Sam's restaurant in Tiburon. Maybe some of you know Sam's restaurant. Well, Sam and his wife were two good fistic drinkers and old friends of mine. I don't know if they're alcoholics, but they were good drinkers. I went there early in the morning on the 15th of June in 1953, and I ordered the following mess. I ordered a wearing blender full of vodka fizzes and three double vodka martinis. Now, why I ordered this combination, I have no idea. The big sweet drinks, I kind of like sweet drinks. I have no idea why, but I did. I like sweet drinks. My craving for sugar, I'm sure yours too, is very high, and these days I avoid sugar like the plague pretty much. Now and again, I cheat a little bit, but that's all right. If I go to a party or wedding in some place and it's necessary to take some piece of cake, I will take it, but ordinarily not. Okay. Anyway, my wife says, hmm. And I didn't eat much when I drank. I'm sure this is true of you, but I did do one silly thing. I drank, I ate candy when I drank now and again. Now, that kind of makes me sick to say it, but that's what I did. I ate candy, and I was kind of ashamed of this, to think, well, I'm good to go. I'm a two-fisted drinker. I could drink exorbitant amounts of alcohol to eat candy, you know? But I read the book John Barneycorn by Jack London. Now, Jack London was an alcoholic, and he died an alcoholic. It was over here in Oakland. And he, in the book John Barneycorn, which he wrote, he popularized the word John Barneycorn. He didn't invent it, but he popularized it. He said in that book that he ate candy now and again when he drank. And I said, well, it was just candy. It was good enough for Jack. It was good enough for me. So it's all right. I don't recall, I didn't have a total blackout on this last day of my drinking. I had a brownout. I kind of remember certain events. Let's see, the next one I remember, I don't recall leaving Sam's, but I recall I lived in Mill Valley at the time. I now live in Monarch Creek. And I was up on the side of the mountain seeing a friend of mine named Harry. I'd gone to the university with him, a good friend of mine. And I didn't go up there looking for sobriety. I didn't go up there looking for sobriety. I was worried about my drinking many, many times. And on this particular day, it was one day I was not, I was not concerned. To this day, I don't know why I went to see Harry, but I did. He'd been in trouble with alcohol. And Harry said to me, you know, Earl, I've had lots of trouble with alcohol. And I said, yes, I know you've been in the papers. He said, you know, my wife left me. I said, yes, I know it. That had been in the papers. I'd been in jail. Yes, I knew that. It was in the papers too. But he said, I found an organization known as Alcoholics Anonymous. And I haven't had a drink for seven months. Do you know about Alcoholics Anonymous? And I said, well, not really. But I did read an article in 1941 about Alcoholics Anonymous. And in there, it said that there were two founders. One was a stockbroker named Bill. Another one was a guy named Bob who was a physician. And I, being a physician, identified with that. But that's all I knew. The author of this article, by the way, later became a very close friend of mine. But I did not know him at this time. Harry gave me a couple of pieces of paper. And he wasn't 12-stepping me because later I asked him if he was when I got into AA. It was folded together like this. And they opened out. And there were about, oh, I don't know, 23 or 24 statements directed towards the active drinker, informing him or advising him what to do if he planned to stop drinking. I wasn't planning on stopping drinking. But nonetheless, he gave this to me. The scene changes and I'm at home. I don't recall getting home, but I was there. And I was sitting on my deck, bright, you know, in June, sunny afternoon. And I was reading this paper, trying to, and I just couldn't make it out. It was just too much. So I asked my then-wife. I've had a hundred of them, by the way. . And if she would read this to me, and she said she would, so she read it to me. And she read, don't stop drinking for anybody else except yourself. Don't stop drinking for anybody else or anything else except yourself. That made a very deep impact on me. And don't stop drinking or don't consider yourself a martyr because you stopped drinking. Don't stop drinking for anybody else except yourself. And don't consider yourself a martyr because you do so. Now, for some strange reason, those two statements made a very deep impact on me. It's as though somebody had taken a beer towel and just popped me in the mouth with it. You know, it just shocked me. And I broke down and cried. You know, crying was kind of par for the course in those days. I didn't know it then, but I know it now that emotional instability comes from drinking. Incidentally, emotional instability does not cause alcoholism, we feel. And some would disagree with that statement. But in general, those of us in the field do not feel that's correct. So that I knew that emotional instability, I found out later, came from excessive drinking. And that's where I was. You know, I would drive along in my car. Bing Crosby was very popular then. And I'd drive along in my car and I'd hear Bing sing and I'd put my hand to my chest and I'd cry, you know. Or I'd look up into the sky and I'd see a cloud and I would savor the cloud and I'd cry. . Or I'd look up in the sky and not see a cloud and I'd cry too, you know. . I'd look at my wife and daughter and I'd cry. I'm sure they looked at me and cried too. . Well, my wife kind of patted me on the back and said, well, you'll be all right. And she went in the house. And I sat there in the deepest depression. I was kind of an up God, you know. I don't get depressed much sometimes, but not much. And I sat there deeply, deeply bothered and depressed. And I just was black, black, black, black. And I didn't know why. I just sat there just deeply concerned. Well, it was then about 5.30, maybe 6 o'clock, time to, on Saturday, and it was time to make the barbecue fire. I walked up 10 or 12 steps, 15 steps up the side of the mountain to the barbecue area, an area about the size of this whole place up here. I got to the top step and I looked at my glass and I had just about one finger left in the glass of what I was drinking. And I said, now, that'll never do. If I'm going to go up making that fire, I'm going to have to have a big full glass. So I should turn around on the stairs and go down to the deck and into the kitchen, make a full glass and take it back up there. And I'll have it when I'm making the fire. As I turned around on the stairs, an absolutely remarkable event occurred to me. You know, there's a story. There's really no way I can describe it. I just can't. But I'll do my best. As I turned around on the stairs, it was as though an explosion occurred inside of me. It just ripped me apart. I mean, you know, it was just so, I don't know why. I felt pain in every cell of my body. It was excruciating. I have no idea to this day what the physiology of such a thing might be. And then I heard the words, this is your last drink. Oh, really? So I took the glass and poured out what was in it. As a matter of fact, I had my last drink. I didn't even finish that one. And I felt enormously relieved. It was like somebody had taken a big heavy overcoat off my back, and the sun seemed to get brighter. I don't know how it got any brighter. It was very bright, but it did. Then a second remarkable thing happened that followed the first one. Then it occurred to me for the first time, you are an alcoholic. That's your trouble. That's why you went to that psychiatrist. He didn't help me very much. That's why you went to that. I went to a friend of mine. He didn't help me. That's why you are an alcoholic. That summed up the troubles that I was having. And I felt enormously relieved. Just enormously. Just ecstasy filled me. At that instant, the craving to take another drink disappeared from me and has not come back in 37 years. Now that's kind of remarkable. You know, I didn't understand that. I didn't understand that. I didn't understand that. You know, I now know that this is what some people in AA would call a miracle or a spiritual experience or something of that sort. But anyway, that's what happened. I've had a physical sobriety came to me very easily. When I least expected it, with no idea that it was coming, it was given to me on a golden platter. Emotional sobriety was another problem. And I talked to him about that. So what happened the next day, I went to see Harry and I said, Harry, I'm an alcoholic. Did you know that? He said, well, no. I noticed you were awful drunk yesterday. But he said, I don't see you that often. I said, will you take me to AA? And he did. Well, I went to AA and I've been going ever since. It's just fabulous. All of it. You know, a bunch of crazy bastards. But anyway, I went to my first meeting. I've got to tell you about my first meeting. I went there to the Methodist Church in Mill Valley. It's now the church that was established. It was in Lannes. It's now not the Methodist Church. It was another place. But the old Methodist Church, I went there. At that meeting, there were five people. We had a table like this, one of these up here. At that end of the table sat a guy named Clark Billingsley, now dead long since, who was the community butcher. At this end of the table over here sat a little fellow named Shorty R. He was only five feet tall, bald as a billiard ball, an irritable guy. He was irritable. Angry all the time. He hated God. Every time they said the Lord's Prayer. You guys have been sober, by the way, for 47 years. He puts his finger in his ears. Come on, listen to it. He just hates the whole idea. He says, there's nothing in the world stronger than I am, Shorty's been heard to say, except booze. That's bigger than I am. And for 47 years, Shorty's God has been booze. You know, use whatever you want. I don't care. Use your mother-in-law if you want. It doesn't make any difference. And on this side of the table sat a guy, I'm sure he was a carpenter. On that side of the table sat a guy named Vern Weir, who was a baker. And on this side of the table, where Dawson is, was my friend Harry, who was kind of a self-styled mechanic. And next to him was the great doctor. Well, I, the doctor pulled himself up at his greatest height and said, what am I getting into here? What am I getting into? A butcher, a carpenter, a baker, and a mechanic? Do you make a man out of me? Yeah. You know? So I said to Clark, who was a very gentle, smart guy, will you excuse me? He said, oh, by all means, doctor, by all means. So I went outside and stood under the linden tree, and I took counsel with myself. I said, you mean to tell me, or else said I to me, here you are on the professorial staff of the medical school in San Francisco. And I went down all my acclamations, all the things that I had done, all the diplomas that I had, and I won't bother you with them. But I went down them all. I said, you mean to tell me with all that? You've got to go in there to get a butcher, a carpenter, a baker, and a mechanic to make a man out of you. Now, if there are any butchers or carpenters or bakers and mechanics in this room, don't get upset because these guys became marvelous. I have deep regard for all of them. I love you all. And I paused. And then I heard the words, yes, you do. Get in there. So I turned around and I went back in, and I want to tell you that never has a doctor been so grateful to a butcher and a carpenter and a baker. And a mechanic is this one. These guys were master clinicians. They know just what to say to me. They know what not to say to me. They knew when to say it. I don't know how they got this acumen. They were just fabulous. Well, I got enthralled in AA, and I thought it was just wonderful. I went to all the meetings. I was calling people, and I was, you know, going kind of crazy with it all. I've since written a book about my first 35 years in sobriety. And I call the initial phase the phase of insanity. Infatuation. Well, I believe me. I was infatuated. I still am infatuated with AA. Well, anyway, I heard about another group, and it was known as Jesus as Teacher. And I thought this was an AA group. Well, it wasn't, but I didn't know this. It was peopled by mainly AA people, as far as I knew, people, members. So I went to it. And this was run by a guy. And they followed the book written by Charman, known as Jesus as Teacher. Not his so-called divinity, just his teachings and the wisdom of his teachings. And it was kind of a one-upsman group, you know. They would, a guy would come in with arched eyebrows and say, Have you read what's on page 97 of such and such a book? And we hadn't. We'd all worry and go home. And we'd read, and we'd think, that guy, I'll get him. We'd come back and say, Have you read what's on page 144 of this book? No, I hadn't. And this is the way they went, back and forth, vying for religiosity of the greatest and most supreme order, you know. And I went along with them. I thought, this is what you're supposed to do, you know. I went along. After about four months, I floated up in the air. I just felt terrible. I went to Clark and I said, Clark, you know, I might just as well be drunk as be like I am. What'll I do? Well, I thought I saw a faint smile go across his face. He said, Earl, let me get you a cup of coffee. In those days, we always served donuts. And he got me a donut, a cup of coffee. And I followed him like a, by this time I'd gotten so I followed everything Clark or Shorty or Vern did. And I just looked at him. I walked across the hall. The way in the far corner of the little auditorium where we had the group. And I sat down watching him, waiting for any word he would say. He crossed his knees and looked way off into space. And he said, you know, Earl, we're very proud of you. You're the only doctor we have around here. In those days, there were no doctors in AA. You know, we've now got them hanging all over the trees now, you know. And he said, I've got to hand it to you for doing what you've done. He said, we're very proud of you. But he said, we have in Mill Valley an organization that's known as Alcoholics Anonymous. Why don't you join it? I said, well, what do you think I've been doing around here? Well, I'm not quite sure what you've been doing, he said. But he said, you know, this other group you go to is perfectly all right. Don't stop it. It's perfectly okay. But it doesn't happen to be Alcoholics Anonymous. And as long as booze and amphetamines are your problem, it might be. It might be wise, if you'll forgive me, because he was a very tactful guy, if you paid some attention to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I said, oh, all right. Where do I start? He said, well, you've got the big book. And I said, I've got three copies. You know, I had one in my nightstand, one at the office, one in my surgical locker, and the first one in one of my car. I got one that went on film in our car. That one is 37 years old. He said, have you read it? And I said, yes. He said, you don't learn very well, do you? And I said, well, I don't know. Maybe I don't. Well, what should I do, Clark? He said, I'd go home and I'd open up the big book, and I would turn it to page 70. Now, in those days, we didn't call Chapter 5 Chapter 5 or how it works. We called it page 70. It's now page 58 or something. Open up to page 70 and read it. So I did. I went home. I opened up the book, and I read, rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Thoroughly. It rang through my head. Thoroughly follow our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves. Give themselves to the simple program. Now, I won't go on. I've memorized the whole fifth chapter of this part of it, and I say it to myself every day. Go to any lengths. Old ideas we need to look at with kind of askance, you know. Remember, we deal with alcohol or drugs. Same thing. Cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help, it's too much for us. Well, there's one who has all power, and that one is God. May you find him now. Well, I wasn't religious. I'm not religious today. But the feeling about God is very strong in me and always has been, actually. It said half measures availed is nothing. It didn't say half measures availed is half. Or 10% measures. Or 10% measures availed is 10%. It said it didn't avail nothing. We stood at the turning point, and we asked his care and protection with complete abandon. Complete abandon. Give yourselves to this program totally. Go to any lengths. Finally rang in my head. And at that point, four months after I'd come to AA, it really started to penetrate and started to percolate. And it's been doing this ever since. Well, you know, I said emotional sobriety came to me very slowly. Let me tell you something about it. Maybe some of you had these same experiences. I guess I was sober about, oh, I don't know, maybe two or three years, longer, maybe more or less. And I got up early every morning because I operated every morning. I had to use the children's hospital out here in San Francisco. Sometimes at St. Luke's. Sometimes at Franklin. Now I don't know where else. Okay, Davies Medical Center. And I was up around 4.30. And it was just getting to be dawn on this particular day. And I stood there, and all of a sudden, I started to cry softly. Tears came to my eyes. And I don't usually cry. Well, these days I cry a lot. I'm an old goat now. So I started to cry softly. I went over and sat down in a chair. I don't know why. And it occurred to me that I had never had a home. No matter where I had been, I felt there was someplace I had to go. That I had some other place I should be. I don't know why that was, but that's what I said to myself. I should be someplace else, no matter where I was. Marriage is included, you know. And I'd never felt at home. Then suddenly it occurred to me that I, the only home I could possibly ever have, possibly ever have, was inside of me. I could have houses. I could have apartments. I could have condominiums, or whatever you call them, or whatnot. But home was inside of me. And that's been with me ever since. When home is inside of you, you're never away from home. So I haven't been lonely since those early days. Because it's always with me, the whole thing. The whole universe is with me all the time. That's what it is. There's another thing that occurred to me. And that is, incidentally, let me digress for a moment. Now those of you who are new in the program, listen intently to all that the old-timers have to tell you, but don't leave a word they say. Now when I say that, I don't mean what they say is incorrect. They may say something that's just beautiful, but they're telling you their program. Now there is no hard line. There are some people who think there's a hard line in AA, but that's not correct. Read sometime the pamphlet entitled, A Member's Eye View of AA. It's a very good description of what AA is truly about. A Member's Eye View of AA. Well, I got on the speaking circuit, and I met a good friend of mine named Chuck C., who is now dead. Very close friend of mine. He was my father in a sense. We were both born the same day. He was nine years older, but he was like my father. He was nine years older, but that's all right. And I followed him around, and also he took me with him. We were speaking at a roundup in Midlands, Kentucky, in Midlands, Texas, Odessa, Midland. And I was one of the speakers, and so was Chuck. And Chuck was up there speaking. He was just a fabulous, glorious speaker. And I looked up at this guy, and I said, you know, you are the greatest person I have known. But Chuck, I've got to go. I've got to go. I love you with my heart and soul. I always will, and I always have. He's now dead, unhappily. And I said, I've got to go. I realized I had been following people. Shorty, Vern, you know, Clark, Harry. I had been following people. I had been listening to what they had to say, and I tried to mimic them. I tried to ape them. I tried to be like them. And I just felt terrible. I just felt awful, worse all the time. But I realized that I had to become my own person. Yes, I could use with great glory the 12 steps and 12 traditions, but nonetheless, I had to do it in my own way. And I have done that ever since. I've developed my own way of an AA program. Now, it's different from, to me now, now maybe I'm incorrect, but to me, there is many ways to work the AA program as there are people to be an AA. You know, if there are, we have what, two million or so people in AA? We have two million different kinds of AA programs, all based on the same suggested 12 steps that are guides. They're only guides. They aren't absolutes. They aren't like the 12 commandments. They're absolutes and AA. Now, there are some people who disagree with that statement. They say there are absolutes. You must do it this way. Well, I kind of yawn when they do that, you know, and go my own way. But on the other hand, they have a right to say that. There is room in AA for the hard-nosed person, the hardliner. There's room in AA for the liberal person. There's room for all of us. So I had to develop my own way of doing my AA program. Now, some people don't like my way of AA, but that's all right. I do. You can develop your own way, and that doesn't mean that your way is good or best or best. It isn't best at all. It's good for you. It isn't best. It's just yours. All right. You know, we all are concerned about emotional sobriety. Let me kind of bring this to a crux. We all want to change. We all want to do something that will make us different all the time. And we're thinking, oh, my God, I feel this way, and I shouldn't feel that way. I feel resentful. And they say, oh, get drunk, you get resentful. I don't agree with this. I don't think you get drunk if you get resentful. You get drunk if you fail to recognize you're resentful. That's the point. We're a bunch of resentful cats, believe it or not. We walk around mad at people half the time, you know. And we come to AA and say, oh, I'm just doing just fine. Since I've come into AA, the sun's been rising all the time, and I want to vomit. You know, this isn't true. We all have our problems. Imagine a thing. I didn't come into AA to be happy. God knows I didn't come in to be happy. I came in to get sober, you know. Now, I'm grateful for any moments of happy and joy that I have, but imagine being happy all the time. You know, I'd have no place to go. You know. So anyway, we all think that we can change ourselves. Now, let me tell you why I feel you can't. Let me tell you why I feel you can't. You know, oh, money put me in with money, put me in with money. I didn't understand that. But I do understand being aware of what's going on all the time, how my feet feel in my shoes, the lights in the room, all these beautiful faces out here. I understand that. I can be just aware of this all the time. Well, after about two or three years on rest and relaxation periods, of looking and searching and driving to find serenity through the, now, the Far East religions, I returned to my Saigon apartment one time, just beaten emotionally. I was in a hurry. I was emotionally speaking. I was just beaten. I had not any serenity. I was feeling more, I was feeling worse all the time. I got to my apartment and all of a sudden I slumped to the floor. I didn't fall. I was just tired. I was emotionally beaten. I slumped to the floor and suddenly I said to myself, to hell with serenity. I don't care if I ever have it. And you know what happened? I had it right, was right there. The search is the trouble. And yet we say, go search for things. Physically speaking, that's all right. If you lose your wallet, go search for it. But serenity, emotions, searching is a total misnomer, in my opinion. Now, maybe not yours, but in my opinion, because it's always now. There is no future except what you have. And machinery is set into motion, which will bring about change without your doing anything. Came to believe that a power greater than our power, came to believe that a power greater than our power, could restore us to sanity. And so on it goes. There's some other ways that you can find yourself, emotionally speaking, in a given second. You know, you hear in AA a lot about surrender. Have you all heard about surrender? You know, surrender. You have to say, surrender what? And who do I surrender it to, you know? What do you surrender? Well, they're talking about the ego. Now, what is the ego? What is this elusive ego we keep talking about all the time? The ego is all of us. The ego is all of us. The ego is all of us. It's all the junk you've been taught. All of your consciousness is your ego. Your shoulds, your have-tos, your musts, and all these sort of things. That's what your ego is. It's very unreal. It's just an idea, an idea. No one says, think, think, think, tear that sign up. Thinking is our trouble. You know, it's so noisy in there, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking all the time. Tear it up, tear up the sign. Don't you do it now. So thinking creates a lot of trouble all those lives. Well, suppose I, how do you surrender? Who does the surrendering, by the way? Well, it's the ego that does the surrendering. And after all, that's the trouble to begin with. So there's no way to voluntarily surrender. You might fake it for a short time. It'll all come back. So what do you do? Let's just, suppose I went to Dawson here. Suppose I went to Dawson. He's an old-timer, and I'm just a beginner. I went to Dawson to tell him all my troubles. And I said, well, I'm going to tell him all my troubles. And I said, say to Dawson, I tell him all my troubles, and I notice that he's interested in one thing, and that is listening to me in order to understand what I'm trying to say. He's not there to give me advice, thank God. He's not there to tell me I'm right, thank God, or wrong, thank God. You know, that's, I can call myself right or wrong. I don't need anyone to help me do that, you know. He's listening in order to understand me, and that's what I wanted my whole life to be. My whole life is some guy who will hear me, or some woman who will hear me, you know. That's what I want. Well, this turns me on. I started to tell Dawson more and more and more and more. And Dawson says, you know, here I listen to this Earl intently. I'm only interested in understanding what he's trying to say. I ask him many questions, and he asks them, answers them very diligently. And he said, you know, by gosh, this turns me on. I'm not talking about sexually, you know. I'm talking about conversationally in relationships, you know. And so, I'm going to tell Dawson, you know, I'm going to tell Dawson, you know, I'm going to tell him, you know, I'm going to tell him, you know, I'm going to tell him. And so, he listens intently to me, and I start listening intently to him, and I tell him things, and he tells me things. We may start off separated emotionally, but all of a sudden as we tell one another more and more, we're more interested in telling one another and listening to one another just about what the person is saying. We're drawn together. And as we're drawn together, there is no ego. There's only a listening and understanding. Imagine if we all listened to one another. In order to understand, we'd have no racism, no sexism, we'd go around just listening. Oh, yeah, that's what you mean. Is that what you mean? Is that what you mean? Is that what you mean? As we do, you know, just listen, but we won't do it. We won't listen. We listen, you know, with our brows knitted as though we're listening, and really what's going on inside of ourselves, we watch the person saying, where the hell did you get that crazy idea? You know, now, this is not listening. This is declaring war. You know, that's the problem. Suppose we listened. Now, as we're joined together, Dawson and I, our energies, our devotion, our interest are exactly the same. Right? At that point, when we join one another, there is evolving up this way, and we feel great. We finally have found someone who understands. AA is based on that principle. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other. Why? That they may solve their common problem, as we've been doing, and help others to recover from alcoholism. That's what it's about, you see. Now, you know, it really confuses me at times how a bunch of perfectionistic, idealistic, irritable, tense, nervous, jazzy people can join together in a group and stay sober. You know, they're great doctors. They couldn't do it for us. They helped us a lot, you know. And I'm one myself. I'm a great doctor, too. The great psychiatrist. God, they have worked their fingers to the bone, you know, listening to us and advising us and analyzing it. And analysis leads to paralysis. That's the trouble. But anyway, they have not been able to give you and me the kind of sobriety we've got to have. And the men of the cloth, the great religionists, have not been able to give you and me the kind of sobriety we've got to have. And yet we take a bunch of people like us, kind of stupid and dumb and wondering what it's all about, and gather together in a room, all egocentric, all idealistic, all perfectionistic. And you know, if you have a friend, you have a group of seven alcoholics in a row. You've got seven different conversations, all beginning with the word, I. Now, you know, how can these amateurs stay sober? A doctor might say, well, what you folks are a very special brand of psychosomatic medicine. Or the psychiatrist would say, you've got a special brand of interpersonal relations, which is great. Well, maybe we do. Or the religious might say, well, you have a special brand of esprit de corps. But to me, what keeps us sober is the very essence of God. God bless you all.