An Amends with No Motive Is the Only Kind That Actually Works – Billy A.

Hello, everybody. Are we ready for our meeting tonight? Let's have one. My name is Jeff, and I am an alcoholic. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one or more years of sobriety tells his or her story. And this is the AA's preamble. There is no controversy in either endorsing or opposing the causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. My name is Tim, and I'm an alcoholic. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluechipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker. And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I am one of them, too. I must have this thing. Billy A. from the Primary Purpose Group. And John's Creek, not the other Primary Purpose Group that is in Dunwoody and Ridgeview. He was visiting Gainesville at the noon meeting of the Friendship Group at the Hawk Club. And he shared on a subject, the topic was probably something along the lines of, are things getting better? He was just telling about the promises. The promises that were coming true in his life. And he did tell me later, when I was speaking with him, about a special amends he made. If you remember what it was, I hope you'll share it with us later when you come up tonight. So please welcome Billy A., who's celebrating two years come June. My name is Billy and I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is June 15, 2013. I have a sponsor. My sponsor has a sponsor. And his sponsor has a sponsor. I have a grand, grand sponsor. I think if you put my sobriety and Joe B.'s sobriety and his sponsor, John, and then his sponsor together, I've been benefiting from about 70 or 80 years worth of sobriety. And that's what this program is about. I was talking with Charlie earlier. It was so amazing. Two years ago, I would have never thought that I'd be here at 8111 telling my story. This is exactly the way it's supposed to be. And tonight, I just want to... I'm a real relationship person. I'm in sales. And so I just want to give you a feel of kind of who I am, kind of my background, how I was raised. A little bit about my family and, you know, our alcoholism. And, you know, just kind of share with you, you know, on my heart. I didn't really make any notes. I felt like I just, you know, needed to pray before this and just, you know, let my thoughts go and let, you know, let God and my higher power, you know, guide me. And, you know, hopefully you'll be able to, you know, be able to get something out of it. Tell you a little bit about me. I'm 55. I'm a baby boomer. I was born in 1959. My parents were in the military. So I was born in Naples, Italy. You can tell by my accent I'm not Italian. I'm sorry. But, you know, my dad was an alcoholic. I kind of make fun of my upbringing. I'm an only child. And I'm kind of dating myself. If you can imagine, you know, Mother Teresa being married to George Jones, that's kind of the way, you know, I grew up. And my dad was a raging alcoholic. And my mother didn't drink. She didn't smoke. You know, she didn't cuss. I mean, she was a church goer. And, you know, how they wound up together, you know, I have no idea. I mean, obviously they were in love. But, you know, I just grew up in a real, you know, dichotomous type of environment. Just two extreme lifestyles, you know, trying to come together. And it was pretty tough. I have a lot, a lot of alcoholism in my life. I have a lot, a lot of alcoholism in my life. I have a lot, a lot of alcoholism in my family. My dad, who's passed away now, was one of five. And all five of them were alcoholics. My dad was the oldest. The next one, my Aunt Peggy died of this disease. My Uncle Charlie was a physician in Raleigh, North Carolina. And the house that they lived in, I mean, literally you could get lost in it. And they didn't find my Aunt Peggy for, like, for two days. You know, it was not unlike her to just go off in the basement or go off in a room and, you know, drink by herself. And nobody thought, you know, anything different. And they couldn't find her for a couple of days. And they found her slumped over in the chair, you know, in a room. She had been dead for, you know, for a couple of days. The next one down, my Uncle Paul, my dad's brother, drowned in my grandparents' fish pond. Most of my relatives are from South Carolina. Southern Alabama. They were either in the textile business or in the farming industry. My grandfather was a big farmer in Southern Alabama and had a catfish pond in his backyard. And so the story goes, you know, my Uncle Paul, you know, got drunk one night and decided he was going to go fishing, you know, in the John boat at 1 o'clock in the morning. And whether or not he caught the cramps or, you know, or what happened. But anyway, I mean, they found him floating, you know, in the fish pond, you know, the next morning. And the next one down, my Uncle Sammy, in and out of rehab. I mean, he's in his early 70s now. And he just gets kicked out of one rehab and one halfway house after the other. You know, he just can't do anything with him, you know. He's just not willing to, you know, to lay the drink down. And then the next one down, my Uncle Mike is actually a minister, but he's an alcoholic, you know. He doesn't drink now. I mean, he's dry. I don't necessarily know if he's, you know, living a, you know, a peaceful life. But, you know, he's been affected, you know, from alcoholism. And so, yeah, I learned from a very early age, you know, what it was like to be an alcoholic, you know, and what the behavior was. Kind of give you a, you know, I'm going to tell a few stories, you know, some of my drinking stories. I don't want to spend a whole lot of time on a drunk log. I mean, I could, we'd still be here tomorrow. You know, tell them some of the stories. But, you know, I kind of want to give you an idea of, you know, of how I drank and some of the things that, you know, happened to me. And, you know, what it was like and, you know, how I came into AA and, you know, what it's been like since. And I want to try to spend more time on that because, to me, that's what's really, you know, important. I mean, that's, you know, that's what saved my life. But just to kind of give you an idea of, you know, of my upbringing. So I'll tell you a little story. My Uncle Hub and my dad were big fishermen. I grew up fishing. And we were stationed in Fort Benning, Georgia. And my Uncle Hub and my dad decided they wanted to go on a camping trip on the Chattahoochee River. So anyway, we all three loaded up. And I was probably about maybe 10 or 11 years old. So we loaded up the boat and we headed down to Chattahoochee to go camping and go fishing for the weekend. So anyway. By the time we got in the boat and started heading down the river, they had already broke out the moonshine. That's what my Uncle Hub, you know, liked to drink. So within an hour or two into the end of the trip, you know, they were already, you know, three sheets into the wind. So the first night we found a little place on the riverbank just to stop into, you know, into fish. We set out trot lines and everything. And so we finally managed to get camp set up. And we had docked the boat and everything. And I had gotten insipid. the tent. You know, I was tired and then was hanging out with a couple of drunks all day. And so anyway, so I'm laying there in the tent and I heard the boat, you know, start up. So anyway, so I got up, luckily, got outside of the tent. And about that time, you know, I saw my dad in the boat and he just floored it down on the gas and there goes the boat and shit, I had to get out of the way because there goes the tent along with him. He had tied the boat up just to one of the tent pegs, you know, I mean, of the tent. And so hell, he's going down the river, you know, the boat's not planing out, he's dragging tent and everything, you know, right behind him. So I mean, that's just some of the, you know, the crap that, you know, that I grew up in. My, I'll tell you, it was something else. My, you know, my dad was in the Korean War and he was in the Vietnam War and, you know, he just had a lot of, a lot of problems. And, you know, I had a lot of problems with him. I had a lot of resentment toward my dad for a long time because, you know, I just didn't feel like he was really, you know, there for me. I mean, he had a big heart and, you know, probably gave me everything that, you know, that I wanted. But the one thing that he didn't give me was, you know, just to spend time with me, you know. I can never depend on him. You know, I grew up in a lot of fear and, you know, that's one thing I hope to kind of, you know, relate to you tonight is, you know, kind of, I guess my makeup, you know. I mean, you know, why I drank and, you know, why I had all this, you know, this fear in my life. And, you know, in growing up, I knew on a Friday night if my dad wasn't home by around four or five o'clock, I knew what we were in store for, you know. I knew he had been drinking. And my dad was not, not a pleasurable drunk at all. He was just a one of those that just, he had no composure. I mean, my dad could take one drink and, I mean, you could see it written all over his face and without, you know, within, you know, the second or third drink, he'd just fallen down, you know. I mean, he just couldn't compose himself. And, you know, I grew up seeing my dad, you know, sprawled out on the back porch, you know, drunk and, you know, slobbering. I'd see him wake up on, you know, Sunday mornings or Saturday mornings, you know, with his face all, you know, like, you know, like, you know, you know, beat up from, you know, falling on the, he was a big guy and always had knee problems, you know. He'd fall on the steps and, you know, bust his head open and, you know, you'd have to call into work, you know, on Monday morning and tell him, you know, he wasn't going to be there and, you know, would make some kind of lame excuses to, you know, why he couldn't, you know, why he couldn't show up for work that day. And it was just really embarrassing for me. And, you know, I swore I would never, ever, you know, drink like that. And it's always the famous, you know, famous, famous last words. So, you know, I was just always around that, the violence, you know, between my parents, you know. I mean, I was a little guy. You know, I was 11 or 12. I probably weighed 80 pounds. And, you know, when I was telling you about my mom and, you know, her not drinking, she always thought she could fix my dad, you know. She always chose the wrong time to do it. And that's when he was drinking. And, you know, I mean, we all know, I mean, you just can't rationalize, you know, with a drunk. And, you know, I just remember countless, countless nights and days, you know, with my dad having my mom backed up in a, you know, in a corner, you know, trying to choke her, you know, her trying to wrestle him. And, you know, I mean, and there I am trying to, you know, get in the middle of them, you know, and get them separated. And I remember one night, we were in Fort Benning, Georgia. I was probably about 20. I was about 12. And, you know, I thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown, you know. I mean, we're in the bedroom and, I mean, he's just stone cold drunk and just absolutely just crazy, you know. And he's trying to get at her, you know, and she's on the bed kind of backed into the corner. And I'm in the middle of him and, you know, and he's trying to get around me, you know, to get a hold of her. I mean, he's just wanting to choke her. I mean, he just wants, I mean, you can just see the, you know, the rage, you know, in his face, you know. And I'm just, you know, I'm like, what the hell, you know? I mean, why do you have to be, when he wasn't drinking, he was just such a different person, you know. And I saw the Jekyll, you know, and hide in him. And for so long, I had a lot of resentment over that until I started drinking the same way. And then I started understanding, you know, what it was, you know, what it was all about. I had my own, you know, my own, you know, my own, you know, my own, you know, my own, you know, my first, well, let me back up just a little bit. When I got ready to go into high school, my parents decided that they wanted to move to L.A., lower Alabama, for all you northern people here. So, you know, I'm raised in this military background. You know, we always lived on military bases. And, you know, we lived in California and we lived in Germany for a while. And, you know, I was born in Italy and we lived all over the U.S. And then all of a sudden, I go into the ninth grade and they moved to L.A. And I was born in L.A. And they moved me to this small southern town called Opp, Alabama. O-P-P. So, there's a lot of jokes about Opp. So, but anyway, you know, here I remember my first day I show up. My grandfather actually, my dad actually hadn't retired yet. So, I'm there with my grandfather to have me enrolled in high school. So, here's all these guys, you know, they had short hair. You know, this is in 19, would be 1974. So, they're in Levi's and Lee jeans and short hair and boots. And here's Billy. I got on a pair of platform shoes and cuffed paisley bell-bottom pants. Got my John Travolta silk shirt, you know, buttoned down. And I got hair about down to here. And they're like, you know, who in the hell, you know, is this guy, you know? It was just a total culture shock, you know, for me. And so, there again, you know, it was all about fear. You know, it's one thing I've always experienced in my life. Everywhere that I went, shy of coming into the program, I just never felt like I really fit in anywhere. Because we moved around so much, you know, every two years. Packing everything up, leaving, going to a different state. And so, lucky for me a little bit, you know, my father, my grandfather was a farmer there. And so, I grew up in, and I had parents that, I mean, grandparents lived in Andalusia, which is the next town over, and uncles and aunts. So, you know, everybody knew my family, you know, kind of knew our last name. So, I kind of had that going for me. But anyway, that's when I had my first, my first drink, you know. I was 14. I needed to fit in. So, it was beer and marijuana, you know. I mean, that was my, that was my introduction. And actually, it was, was marijuana was the, was the first. And I did that quite a bit. And then it was alcohol. But just to give you an idea of kind of how I drank, right from the start, you know, it was no holds barred for me. I mean, once, once I found something to change the way I felt, something to make me feel better, I mean, I latched on to it. And I was not going to, you know, not going to let go. To give you an idea, during my high school years, I totaled out four cars. My dad's truck, my mom's, you know, for those of us, I really date myself now, deuce and a quarter, electric 225. They're about a block long. I wrecked that and wrecked two cars of my own. And, you know, luckily nobody was, you know, was hurt. But, you know, I remember that first wreck. It was Friday night after a, you know, after a football game. And I had a case of Pony Millers. That's what they used to, that's what we used to drink, you know, get them in an eight pack. Of course, we've been drinking, smoking weed all through the, you know, the, you know, the, you know, the, you know, the, you know, the, you know, the, you know, all through the, the game. And then we all congregated back at the high school. I mean, we're talking a town of about 7,500 in it. So, you know, this is just out in the country. And so, we all congregate back at the high school. And, you know, I'm on my dad's truck. And so, I go to the liquor store, load up with a, with a case of beer, you know. And when everybody, after the, after the football game, we meet at the high school. And then after that, everybody goes to the skating rink. This is what we did. And I'm out at the skating rink parking lot. So, I'm headed, you know, it's about a mile away and I'm headed to the skating rink, you know, got a case of beer in the front seat and got my window down, you know. We don't run the air conditioning back then. And so, I get to the skating rink, you know, and I'm just, it's probably about 9, 30 or 10 o'clock by that time. And I'm just looking out the window, you know, and yelling at everybody that's in the parking lot, hey, you know, probably got a beer in my hand. In my opinion, I just, hell, make a left-hand turn right into the parking lot. Well, I didn't realize, I mean, there's a carload, four women coming the other way. I mean, and they just, I mean, T-boned me, you know, right in the side. Told them my dad struck out, pushed me up into the parking lot. And, you know, police and everything are there. But, you know, back then, I mean, you got away with stuff like that, you know. I mean, everybody knew you and, of course, insurance had to pay for their cars and everything. But luckily, nobody was hurt. And, you know, I get a slap on the wrist and all boys will, you know, will be boys and, you know. That was the end of it. And, you know, that's a really valid, you know, I guess, point in my life because it seemed like with all my drinking from that point forward, there were really no repercussions, you know, for me. Never got a DUI. Got taken to jail lots of times, you know. Public intoxication and reckless driving. But I was always, you know, able to get out of them. And if I wasn't able to get out of them, then my parents, you know, bailed me out. You know, give me the money or buy me another car, you know, whatever the case may be. And I think I had a lot of resentment, you know, toward my mom especially because, I mean, she was trying to do the best she could, but, I mean, she enabled me, you know. I mean, I never had to pay the consequences, you know, of my, you know, of my, you know, of my drinking. So, all the way through high school, I wrecked four cars. I get suspended. I got so much anger inside, you know. I fought a lot. And that's kind of the way my dad always taught me to, I guess, defend myself and to get my way was to fight because that's what he did. And so, I'm lucky to make it out of high school. I was suspended, I know of at least three times and almost expelled for five years. And I was suspended for five years. You know, just because of my violent, you know, behavior. I just had everything just bottled up inside, you know, all of this rage and all of this fear. And it just had to come out, you know, in some way or another. So, anyway, but I made it out of high school and actually went to college and graduated from college, believe it or not. Actually went to a Baptist college. And my uncle was the chaplain there. And, you know, I was certainly searching for something, you know, I guess just to help me with life, you know, in general. I mean, I just had this big void inside of me. I just knew something was missing, you know. And I was just really tired of living, you know, the way that I did. But all the way through college, you know, it was the same thing. You know, my drinking patterns were always one. That would go completely, you know, overboard. And my drinking, you know, over the years wound up costing me three marriages. I married a girl that I graduated from college with that was a, you know, a born-again Christian. And I thought she could help me stop drinking, you know. If I could marry someone that was complete opposite from me, then, you know, her influence on my life. You know, possibly God, you know, could help me with my alcoholism. And certainly, I guess we all know that, I mean, that just doesn't work, you know. And that marriage lasted about five years. You know, I'm not proud of it. But, you know, when I drank, when I got the first drink in me, I mean, it was no holds barred for me. I mean, I just, I lost all inhibitions for, you know, the sanctity of marriage. For, you know, being a good employee. For, you know, just anything. I mean, just when I started drinking, that's the only thing that mattered. You know, I wrecked company vehicles. You know, I got fired from jobs. I just, you know, I just look back and, you know, the sad thing about it is, I never, you know, the big book talks about it. I mean, it just became normal for me. You know? I mean, that kind of behavior became normal for me. And I just, I just didn't understand it. So, anyway, I got divorced. And I decided, well, if I'm going to drink, then I might as well find someone who drinks like me. And so, that's what I did. So, my second marriage was a lady who's the mother of my two children who drank just like I did. And we partied and partied and partied and partied and partied. And, you know, I was, I was, I was, I was I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I left, I wound up being married to her for 17 years. And, you know, I lost lots of, lots of jobs during that 17 years. And there again, it didn't take the, you know, the sanctity of marriage very well. I mean, I acted like a single person. And, you know, I was fortunate to always have good jobs. And, you know, I would bounce back. And, you know, I was able to manage my drinking in a sense to where, you know, I was always able to bounce back. and get myself back on my feet. There again, no really repercussions for my drinking. Nothing to say, what the hell are you doing? I mean, this is not the normal lifestyle for an individual. But I kept on. So anyway, after 17 years of marriage, she just couldn't take it anymore. So I go through divorce number three, I mean number two. And so I'm in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. I'm single. And, you know, I remember I had a customer that was in Valiant, Oklahoma. I don't know if any of you know. It's right across the Arkansas-Oklahoma line. And this little town was very much a blue-collar town. They had a Georgia Pacific mill there. And I sold hardware. And I called on this hardware store there in Valiant. Got to be there. Be really good friends with the store owner. And I started going to this little pub called Alibi. And I always kind of grew up playing pool and loved to play nine ball and liked to play for money. And so I started frequenting this little pub. Not really called a pub. I mean, it was a bar. It was a BYOB. They served beer, but you'd have to go out in the parking lot to, you know, to drink your liquor. And, of course, we'd smoke weed and everything else out there. And I remember my customer telling me, Willie, he had just got back from Iraq. And he said, Billy, he said, let me tell you, you know, it's a dangerous place there. And he goes, I'm just telling you, you don't fit in. These people are not your friends. You may think you're having a good time, but you're going to wind up, you know, in some pretty serious trouble if you quit going there. So I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know. So anyway, I was there calling on Willie's store one Friday night. And some of the work we had to do was such that I had to wind up spending the night. So I thought I'd made some good friends at the Alibi. And so I go in there and, you know, on a Friday night. And, yeah, I realize, I mean, here I am. And I should have realized this, you know, but this is just how, you know, alcoholism, this is how, you know, stupid, you know, we are or I am. You know, I'm in this place. You know, everybody's got on, you know, coveralls and boots and grease under their nails. Nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying. But here's Billy, you know, with a polo shirt and starch khakis and, you know, I mean, loafers, you know. It's like, damn, Billy, you know, this is not a good scenario. So anyway, so, you know, we commenced to, you know, to drinking and shooting pool. And then we go out to the parking lot and we start shooting tequila. We go back in and, you know, we shoot some more nine ball. And we go out to the parking lot and we shoot some more tequila. And we come back in and we drink more beer. Then we go out to the parking lot and we start shooting tequila and we start smoking weed. And then we go back in and we start playing nine ball. And so the night progresses on and on. And, you know, I just, you know, I just turn into, I was never a blackout drinker. I just go batshit crazy. I mean, I really do. I just turn into, my M.O. was always, you know, Mr. Friendly, you know. Then you try to be, you know, the funny guy. And then you start being a little bit of a smartass. Then I start being a little belligerent. And then by night's end, you know, I'm just a total ass and I'm just wanting to pick a fight, you know, with whoever's in there. Well, I picked the wrong night, you know, to be an asshole in this place. And I got to shit me that, I mean. I mean, not just a little bit, but a lot. I'm lucky I made it out of there alive. I don't remember a whole lot. All I remember is I'm on the ground. And I'm just trying to cover up. And I got boots kicking me. And I got fists slinging. And, I mean, all I could feel was just, you know, I just remember the feeling is like, damn, just, you know, somebody get these people off of me, you know. Because, I mean, I don't know if it was two or if it was three or whatever, but it seemed like the entire bar was on my ass. And so, anyway, you know, it finally stopped, you know. And this one guy. This guy or whatever, you know, comes and picks me up, you know, and kind of gets me out of the door and just shuts the door behind me, you know. And I'm just bleeding everywhere. And so I get over to my car. And the only thing I could think of was to call my friend Willie. And he was at deer camp. And I called him by the time it was about 1 o'clock in the morning. And I'm like, Willie, I'm at the alibi. And he just starts laughing. And I said, I just got beat up pretty bad. And he was like, I told you. I said, damn it, Willie, I told you. And I go, I know, I know, I know, I know. I said, you know, I said, you know, I'm filling up hand towels with blood. I said, you know, I know my jaw is broke. I mean, it already started swelling. My nose was just laying over to one side. You know, I'm beat to hell and back. And I said, look, I can't drive. I mean, I could see my hotel from the bar. I said, but, you know, I don't want to drive. I don't want to get an EUI on top of this. You know, can you come and get me? You know, and at least drive me, you know, to the hotel. And so he did. You know, drove about four or five minutes, 45 minutes from Deer Camp and came and got me. And, you know, he saw me. And he's like, damn, Billy. So he takes me to the hotel. So, you know, I can't drive. So I'm laying there at this little hotel called the King's Inn. I'm just laying on my bed. I'm looking up at the ceiling. By that time, it's about 3 o'clock in the morning. And my head's just, I mean, my whole face. I mean, I went and looked in the mirror. And my eyes were both. It was already starting to swell shut. I mean, my head was literally twice the size. I mean, you couldn't even recognize me, you know. And I'm just laying there in bed and like, you know, what the hell am I doing, you know. So I got up the next morning. And I got a drive from Valiant to Little Rock in this state. And it's about a four and a half hour drive. And I remember calling my wife. And, you know, I had to tell her. I said, look, here's what happened. And I said, you know, you're going to have to tell the kids, you know, that when I walked through the door, you know, I just didn't want them to start screaming and crying. Because, I mean, you know, I mean, really no words can describe what my, you know, what my face looked like. And so anyway, by the time I got to the doctor on that Monday, it was, I mean, I got five screws in my jaw. I mean, they had broke my jaw. You know, they did break my nose. Had to get it set. But, and you would have thought after that experience that I quit drinking. But no, you know. That wasn't the end of it for me. And so anyway, that marriage ended. And so I kind of backed up a little bit. But I got to Ocean Springs. And, you know, my drinking continued. And, you know, I kind of want to interject with this. You know, all throughout my drinking career, there were times when I would quit drinking. You know, for eight or ten. Or ten months. Maybe six months. I would try to use my faith to help me stop drinking. And it just didn't work for me. And it didn't work for me because I didn't have a support system. You know, I didn't have anybody that I could tell, you know, hey, this is how I drink. You know, this is how I feel. And this is why I drink. I mean, this is what's happening in my life, you know. I mean, I wanted to reach out to somebody, but I didn't know how. You know, especially in church. I mean, you know, in church, you feel like that those are the people that you're supposed to be able to confide in and, you know, and to relate to. But you can't. You know, at least I couldn't. So anyway, you know, I would go through periods of time where, you know, I would be dry. And, you know, I'd go to church and try to get involved in Sunday school and try to get involved in a, you know, in a group. But sooner or later, you know, life would happen. And that's what would happen to me. I mean, life would happen. And that's why I drank, you know. And I think that's why a lot of us drink, you know. It's just I never learned how to cope with life. You know, I didn't have any skills to cope with life. When things started happening chaotically in my life, the only thing I knew to do was to drink or smoke weed or do cocaine or take, you know, war tabs or Ativan. Or Xanax or, you know, really whatever I could get my hands on to change the way I feel, you know. Because I didn't like the way that I felt. And my last year of drinking, I had moved to Atlanta and got remarried for a third time. And this lady had no idea of how I drank. And it's actually a lady that I dated in high school. We were connected on Facebook. And I moved to Atlanta. We started dating and we got married. And, you know, she would wonder how after just a couple of glasses of wine, I could be so batshit crazy. But what she didn't realize is that I was at the liquor store at 1030 that morning, you know, buying the vodka minis. I mean, I still find them to this day, you know, empty ones. I'd buy six or eight. And, you know, I call them customers. All day long in that state, you know, thinking, well, they're not going to, you know, I'd drink the, you know, the coconut-flavored vodkas, you know, or the orange-flavored vodkas. And, you know, they wouldn't smell it on me. And so anyway, for that entire last year of my drinking, that's how I drank. I drank every day. I had, I have two or three liquor stores that. Well, I actually lived in the Dunwoody area before I moved up to John's Creek after my divorce. But I had about three liquor stores that I went to. So anyway, let me, I've kind of done what I said I wasn't going to do. So let me fast forward into, it was the night before Father's Day and I just had enough. And I had it in my heart that I'd had enough. And I got back to Atlanta. I went to a therapist and she goes, you're an alcoholic. I'm like, no shit. And she goes, you need AA. And I'm like, all right. So that was on a Wednesday. And Friday I show up at a new meeting at Primary Purpose. And I've been coming ever since. When I got, you know, I got there on that Friday. I sat in the chair right by the door. I cried the entire meeting. I was embarrassed. I didn't know what to do. But what God gave me at that time was, you know, it was really the gift of desperation. You know, I just didn't have anything else, you know, to turn to. And I said, you know what, what do I need to do? I said, well, you need to get a sponsor. You need to come to meetings. You know, you need to buy your big book. You need to buy your 12 and 12. You need to show up before. You need to go to the meeting. You need to stay after the meeting. You got to make AA and your sobriety your, you know, your number one priority. And that's what I did. They said go to 90 meetings in 90 days. You know, I logged kind of my meetings. You know, I went over 250 meetings in my first 90 days. I was going to three and four meetings a day. I had to change the people, places, things that I went to. You know, I couldn't go to the bars anymore. I couldn't hang out with the friends I did anymore. I had to, you know, really just build myself a cocoon, basically, with the program, with AA people, with my steps. And little by little, you know, the things started changing. Fast forward two years, my life had just taken a complete 180, you know. I've got the best job I've ever had, you know, in my entire career. You know, I'm happy at it. I'm productive. I enjoy getting up and going to work every morning. You know, I wound up going through that third divorce. And about a year into my sobriety, I needed to make an amends to this lady. And she agreed to meet me at Starbucks. And so we met for coffee. And, you know, I just wanted to tell her I was sorry, you know, and tell her, you know, that I recognized my part in, you know, in my life. And I just wanted to tell her I was sorry. And I just wanted to tell her I was sorry. And I just wanted to tell her I was sorry. And, you know, I wanted to admit to her about my drinking and, you know, that I had a year in the program and things were really, you know, turning around for me. And I'd really written a relationship off. I really didn't have any intentions, you know, or any kind of motive other than just to say, you know, I'm sorry. And so after the meeting, I left and she emailed me. And she goes, well, what did you think about, you know, our meeting? And I said, well, you know, I was comfortable and this and that. And she goes, you know, so was I. And she goes, you know. We'd do like to meet again, you know, for coffee. And so we did. And so we've been dating for almost a year now and getting ready to, you know, to get remarried. And, you know, she just said, she goes, I just could see the difference in you. You know, just your attitude, the way you presented yourself, the way you carried yourself. You know, you weren't angry anymore. You weren't making excuses anymore. You know. So what was happening is I just showed up, you know, in my own life. You know, this program has absolutely saved my life. I mean, there's no two ways about it. I love going to meetings. I go to meetings daily. And I go to meetings all over the state. And just like with Charlie and with Tim, you know, when I'm in Gainesville, I try to go to the new meeting there. I try to get there early. I try to get there early so I can talk with people, smoke cigarettes with people for the meeting, and do the same afterwards, you know. And I just want others to know, you know, how this program has helped me, you know, and how it's changed my life. And just try to live by, you know, live by example. So I appreciate the opportunity to let me share with you. I hope you got something out of it. I'm very grateful to be here. And I'm very grateful. Thanks a lot. Thank you very much, Billy, for sharing your experience, strength, and health with us tonight. While lovers live and hide.