Ali H. at the Speaker Meeting – 2024

and the speaker's choice reading on page 53 in the big book when we became alcoholics crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else he is nothing God either is or he isn't what was our choice to be this meeting ends after the Lord's Prayer please remember to silence all cell phones and keep distractions to a minimum during the speaker. Tonight we have Ali from Fellowship of the Spirit in Toronto. Let's give him an enthusiastic welcome. Hi everybody my name is Ali I'm a grateful alcoholic. All right um first of all, I want to thank Jeff and the committee and the group for your gracious invitation. Thank you very much, guys. I appreciate it. I want to thank you guys for the pocket of enthusiasm that you guys seem to be over here for the kindness and all the people that I met. I just so appreciate the handshakes and the smiles and the kindness because, see, I was in this program for seven years, and I got to tell you, sometimes the most important thing we could do at a meeting is to extend that hand of welcome and smile and kindness because at times when a new guy's coming and just was crawling out of his skin in-depth discussion of the fourth step may not serve him that well but a kind smile and a cup of coffee you know what I mean? So I want to thank you guys for that. What I experienced here is what attracted me to you guys when I first found you guys which is the spirit of the fellowship the camaraderie, the joyousness the laughter, the kindness what has kept me here though is much deeper than that it is the fellowship of the spirit fellowship of the spirit of a loving power of goodness which has literally grabbed me from this crap people life and brought me in the most beautiful life today I was separated from alcohol in January the 4th of 2012 I've been in the middle of the circle and triangle since then, I haven't left you guys, I hadn't drank right uh but see my recovery has been peppered my life and my recovery both my life pre and post awakening has always been pepperred by resurgence of ego and fumbling and stumbling and i haven't walked the perfect path and that's okay you know um so although i was separated from alcohol a little over 12 years ago and in this path i haven'T left you guys my sobriety is seven years what happened was that the dis-ease of alcoholism, D-I-S dash ease, the internal dis-ese of alcohol is on wits patiently. And after a little bit of, I guess, spiritual growth doesn't always come at you as a drink anymore. It comes from the back door. Cunning, baffling, and powerful, right? So I was coming up to five years of sobriety in September of 2016 and for about a year prior to that, I stopped sharing my self-honesty with you guys. I'm not talking about, like, necessarily every meeting airing dirty laundry, but at least with my sponsor and my brothers on the path, I stopped sharing with you guys that I'm in a fetal fear position at home full of fear because I can't find a job to help support a family depressed. I stopped showing myself, and the dis-ease of alcoholism lulled me into a sleep, told me that there's some kind of image to uphold, and it's a number of speaking engagements, a number sponsors, and how you sound, right? So it waits there patiently. my wife who's also in recovery she went to have some minor surgery and the doctor gave her percocets you know painkillers right to come home with and she gave them to me to admin to give to her administer to her and uh and alcoholism spoke to me and said hey you're a drinker in aa you never had a problem with pills take a couple so i took a couple thank god for good sponsorship and maybe having enough i don't know spiritual currency in the universal bank whatever it was the next morning i renewed my dry date and and i haven't left you guys right but what a beautiful i think experience that was in hindsight because it one it really introduced me to the cunning nature of this illness right how cunning it is um it it removed from me a little bit slowly but finally removed from me for the most part these attachments to my time and sobriety you know the number of sponsors all that kind of stuff right and i had my own experience with, there's a line in the big book somewhere that says he couldn't drink even if he would. Something like that, right? The fact that I didn't continue lying and taking those pills and going drinking and dying, that's a miracle in itself, man, you know? So I'm sober. My sobriety date is officially September the 8th of 2016. I like the word broken. It has a deep spiritual meaning for me, right i landed here broken in every way you could imagine that brokenness has brought me to a place of surrender and brokenness is where the light shines through it's where god shines through you know so like i landed her every way he can imagine on a sidewalk of life uh suicidal couldn't put two days together sober the last few years i just i tried my best i couldn't do it you know unloved and unlovable, ugly on the outside and inside, unemployed and unemployable. Didn't know what to do with myself. If I, like if it comes to me, I'll tell you, you know, like who third stepped me in the third dimension stuff, what meeting I went to, but really none of that stuff really makes sense. The only thing that makes sense to me with some little bit more clear spiritual lenses when I look back, what happened was that what at first seemed like a flimsy read. What it really was is a powerful hand of this loving God. Just grabbed me, caressed me and brought me to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Introduced me to some awakened people. And you guys introduced me to a sacred book, the big book of Alcoholic Anonymous and what you told me, the long timers, thank you by the way for my sobriety long timers. Thank you for keeping the lights on. What you told me is that Ali if you situate yourself in the middle of this circle and triangle to the best of your ability, not perfection, unity, recovery, service, right? The best of your availability. You will tap into a power that will revolutionize your way of being and thinking. And that's what's happened for me. I've tapped into a power, you know? And so I'm here to tell you that I'm sober because of a loving God, forgiving God. I do not apologize for my relationship with God anymore. I'm not ashamed to say it and i don't try to force it on anybody either you know just what's worked for me and i want to tell you if you're not at that place if you had a place where the word god or the concept of a higher power disturbs you i want you to know that yeah me too i didn't come in here i didn'T come you know i mean not right now but but when i came in sure i didnT come in here wanting to believe really like i was born in a country where uh religious government took over Like, religion was a big part of Iran and the fabric of Iran. Beautiful, beautiful religion over there, right? Just fabric of society, good people, hospitable, God people. But what happened was that a government took over and they promised the world, and like most... I'm not going to get political here, but like many governments around the world when selfish and greedy human beings come in power what they what they did in this country is that they use that religion to further their political agenda right so they use the concept of god to imprison people torture and hang some of my extended family members so that's the kind of god that i partially brought for you guys to deal with the old timers right at the beautiful day i love the fact that the old time has taught me so much man like we don't shoot the wounded here that's not what we do you know so as i was arguing with you about god and your god and your steps and you know in and out dying can't stay sober you guys are happy what you guys did was you would just be kind to me and say have a seat sit down sit down here's a cup of coffee why don't you come up with your own conception right so if you had a place today where the word god bothers you i'm going to humbly ask you to come up with your conception of god whether it's a soul of a loved one that's passed on that's near and dear to your heart or the energy of the universe nature the collective consciousness of this group is the power greater than I could ever be you know come up with your own conception of God for the rest of this conversation anyways right one-way conversation well it's a spiritual cause this is spiritual interchange here right I'm telling you for seven years seven years in and out dying for seven ears in and Out of Alcoholics Anonymous you know for seven year I knocked on every single door that I could knock on to prove to you that I'm not an alcoholic because I know the girl would fix me, the degree would fix me. The accolades would fix, the job, the religion would fix me. I knocked on every single door to prove that I am not an alcohol because of that and every single one of those doors had to shut in my face. Every single one attempts to stay sober and happy had to fail me for me to come back here humbled, a clean slate so you can draw on me. I had to become willing. And then when I came back it was like the same old-timers. I sort of just got... Were you saying that the whole time? I didn't hear it before. Come up with my own conception? A power, a life, a beautiful life based upon action? Not a program of talking and philosophizing in action? You're kidding me. So that's what I've done. That's what I've you know, to the best of my ability. I started drinking at the age of 16. A little bit later than some of the stories I hear in the rooms. So I could tell you, I'm not going to just in a general way I'll describe to you what my drinking was like uh from that first moment for the first couple years every time I drank I felt like my skin fit and the world made sense I felt Like I could breathe you know what I mean the wine wasn't raised it's just quiet every time right and then everyone used to tell me that my world of uh they always say uh Ali has potential you have potential because you know Olympic carding game for a sport I was heavily involved in and school and this and that, right? Potential, potential. Within a few short years of drinking, this huge world of potential ended up being this small in grungy motel rooms in southeast Toronto with bottles of vodka and all the ugly extracurricular activity that follows that kind of lifestyle. Wanting to die every minute of the day, man. Didn't know what to do with myself. Didn'T know what TO DO WITH MYSELF. See I'm an alcoholic because of the effect produced by alcohol. The effect produced by alcohol on me fills that God-sized hole to such a degree that I chased it to the gates of insanity and death for about three to five years after it stopped working for me. For our newer friends, what that means is that and for our visiting friends is that for the last let's say three years, five years of my drinking, three years of my drinkin', I would drink as much as I could into oblivion and my mind is still racing. I still want to kill myself. He used to treat that. What happened? Every part of this illness terrifies me. The fact that I suffer from an allergy of the body that you told me about when you took me through the doctor's opinion. I didn't know. My reaction, my body reaction to alcohol is different than 90% of the people out there. I didn' t know. I thought I'm making a decision at three in the morning to have the 20th drink and end up missing one of my best friend's wedding party. I was part of the wedding party and missed the whole wedding. I thought that was me making it. I didn't know. I don't know once I put it in my body, there's no power control of how much I drink. I didn' t know that every time I drink, the drink takes a drink and the drink take me and I'm gone. Go, go, go until some kind of death or destruction happens in my life. I didn''t know. I thought I was just stupid. I was weak. be a man my dad used to tell me what's wrong with you i didn't know that i was sick and the even more mind-boggling and terrifying than that is the fact that i had ample evidence in my life before aa and during aa the seven years that when I take a drink, destruction happens. So I knew, I had a lot of knowledge about that. The mind-boggling part of this illness is that despite all that knowledge, despite all that pain, I still went back to the first drink sober. Cunning, baffling, and powerful. I have a brain that has a virus in it. Left to my own devices, a drink is always an option. Always an option! Are you kidding me? I hear sometimes people say for the last however many years I'm sober I haven't had a reason to drink. Now I understand the spirit of what they're talking about right? I'm here to tell you that I have had many reasons to drink the last few years. The fact that I haven's is the miracle. This disease took me to many suicide attempts. Slashed wrists, bottles of sleeping pills, exhaust and a hose of the car with the garage door down goes in my mouth after every single suicide attempt after every single psych room visit emergency room visit charcoal drink they make you drink in those emergency rooms we try to take some pills some loved ones around my bedside usually my poor mom crying baby don't do this anymore don't drink anymore okay ma I promise meaning it with every five I meant it and two or three days later they let me out of the psych ward emergency whatever institution they let my out and this brain with a virus in it ding ding ding hey that was a phase that suicide attempt nah you just need love in your life cunning baffling and powerful cunning baffly and powerful meanwhile I'm dying in this bitter morass of self-pity, loneliness and despair, quicksand all around me, Bill Wilson talks about in the big book. My skin hurts. Life doesn't make sense to me. I'm confused by life. All this sober, all this sober. Life hurts. Spiritual malady so cunning, so baffling that for years it would tell me that you're an alcoholic it because. You're an alcoholic because you were molested by those two 15-year-old kids at the age of seven. You are an alcoholic, because you came from a war zone, you were bombed out. You were an alcoholic cause your dad beat you, he was an addict. Because, because, because... You faced racism when you first came to Canada. Because because... This disease doesn't want me to look inside. It's its job is to isolate me from you and therefore from God. It has to point outside and it makes sense because for years, I searched the solution for this dis-ease. Nothing else comes to me but that. Dis-eas on the outside. It makes sense. That's why I blame the outside, see? Please don't misunderstand it. If you've had traumas in your life, I'm not saying that, no, like first of all, I don't know a human being that's perfect. I don' know one that's not wounded. Not one, okay? And then especially if a child that faces trauma in life, man, you're going to be wounded. But what I'm saying is that that does not necessarily equal alcoholism. Why? Why? Because my younger sister, five years younger than me, faced the same trauma in life as me. I hope not everything, but for the most part, right? Not an alcoholic. She had an alcohol problem and she had a cocaine problem. You know what she did when it got really bad? Put it down, walked away. Just like that. No obviously she had to find the solution for for the wounds right? Psychiatrist, prayer meditator, a lot of beautiful, she's a beautiful human being right? But see I'm an alcoholic because alcohol treats that and then takes a hold on me and have no more control or power to stay stopped. I was 12-stepped in 2006. I fell in love with you guys. I fell in with, as I was saying, the spirit of fellowship, the camaraderie, the kindness. I, I was happy and that I found a group of people that drank like me. That's very important by the way. It's very, very important. That is why we have so many 12-step programs right? There's no way I'm gonna stay just because I could, I relate to you on the feeling and thinking level if I don't also relate to you on a drinking level. That's why the traditions are there, right? So that people that drank like me, felt like me thought like me. You guys never judged me to my face. It's okay. It's all good. I get it. I was in and out for a long time. right? I fell in love with you guys. I was sober. My first introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous, sober for about six to eight months. And I was in a pink cloud and a cloud nine and just loving life, just loving sober and just coming to a lot of meetings. And about six or eight months, I guess that this ease in my head and my soul woke up and it told me a bunch of lies and you're not good enough. You're a loser. What are you doing here? A drink would fix that. And then I was in and out for seven years after that, right? And for those seven years, I would come to 90 meetings in 90 days and I would set up chairs and coffee pots and just fellowship before and after, really immersed in fellowship, but dibble-dabbling in the steps. Just dying in these rooms, man. Either angry with you or depressed at me. Why am I not getting this program, which I think I'm doing what you're telling me, right, apparently I was, right. Confused, but I'm not confused today. I know exactly why, because I wanted something for nothing. As I said earlier, I wanted to come to a 12-step program and not work the 12 steps. Imagine? Imagine in a hypothetical world, okay, if I'm starving, my body requires nourishment, and there's this one restaurant that you can only get nourishment and eat, right? Imagine if I go to this restaurant 90 times in 90 days, sit down and read the menu over and over andover andoverandover and go home. Imagine that. Just read it. I did that in A and I come to the different tables you guys are eating delicious meals how does that taste can you describe it to me how do you make that fantastic and go home I did not anymore though I woke up I woke for my last drunk wasn't as bad as the hundred before that in devastation and length it wasn't as bad right one night i went out i was back in alcoholics anonymous i was renting a room in a men's recovery home on if you guys have those here right men's recovering home and uh i was backing a four months a lot of meetings a lot of group service position stuff double dabbling in the steps and just you know um i went out for one night I drank I snuck back in uh into that house into that room I passed out and I came to to an incredible amount of pain. My joints were throbbing, my skin was hurting, my mind was racing, and the four horsemen came for a visit like they always used to do for me and their hooves sounded loud. Bewilderment, despair, frustration, fear, whatever, terror and they started to shout at me. You're a piece of, you're a loser. Why don't you take your own life. You make everybody happy. A drink would fix that. My knees got bent. My mouth opened up. I had a profound spiritual experience, and I've had many, and i'm sure many here have that profound one. My knee's got bent, I didn't bend my knees, my mouth opened, up I didn' t open up my mouth. A prayer came out of me. God whoever you are whatever you are can you just please help help me not be like this anymore, because I'm tired. That's a nice prayer. I'm tired. Help me. Immediately after that prayer, from a broken soul, God doesn't make too hard terms, from an unbroken soul, I haven't had a drink since that prayer, I have an attempt to suicide since that prayer. At a shift in thinking and outlook. That's a spiritual experience. It was as if he shined his light and just pulled me right back in with you guys, put a new teacher on my path. And this teacher opened the big book of alcoholics anonymous with me, Native Indian lady, Donna. And we started to go through it line by line, follow the black and the white, identify when I can. We wouldn't move forward until the action was taken. And I got to tell you, the big book became alive for me. I started to realize that those seven years in and out, which were a source of shame for me, they were useful. They helped me get surrendered. They served a purpose, you know? This lady, what she did was, she didn't make this an intellectual exercise, she made a spiritual endeavor. So what she Did was that she poured her experience on the page of this book and this book which is a couple of inches whatever thick became thousands of kilometers deep when the gift of desperation meets the window of the grace of God and one of you messengers appear in that window and pour your experience on this beautiful text and I start to wake up now I want to share something as well also just because I've had that experience doesn't mean that has to be anyone else's what I mean by this is this when I share transformation, sometimes I get excited. Please don't misconstrue that as in like you have to do it the way I did it line by line. No. I just know that the steps are outlined in the big book of alcoholics. However you do it, I hope you do it in order. That's all that matters. That's all that matters We went through the inventory process and And for the first time ever, at that time, for a period of time, I think what it felt like was just unplugged from the ego. I start to see that everything that I'm complaining about, the jealousy, the better than, the less than, the government, you, whatever I'm explaining to myself, whatever I am complaining about. There's one common denominator, you're looking at him. It was me, it was me. I started to realize that I've been driving in Buffalo with a map of Montreal my entire life. rom gps city i'm the one going down one ways and hitting this i thought it was you i was sure it was you you're telling me it was me go figure i woke up i had a powerful step six and seven experience my first round of these steps you know steps are not homework assignments for me they become a way of life you know i was introduced to a to a group of old timers long timers some of them have passed on that they revisit the first nine steps once every couple years or whatever that's what right so my first round of the steps i had a powerful step six and seven experience i was floating coming out of that hour from that basement floating man for a while but sometimes quickly sometimes slowly it always materialized if i work well right with the help of my sponsor my elders we start to make the amends that i could and with every single amends I got a piece of my soul back. With every single amends I was able to stand up straight you know, a little bit. My entire life I wanted self-esteem like, you know confidence or self-esteem but see the problem is that Bill Wilson talks about common sense becomes uncommon sense, right? In the third dimension my method of getting self- esteem is to do for me. Go to the gym put on some weight, some bigger muscles get a nice job, a nice car and a girlfriend and then you'll tell me I'm okay and I'll feel okay. Right? It doesn't work here. This is inside out. What she told me is that, okay, do you want some real self-esteem grounded in a power greater than you? You go and set right the wrongs you've done. I started to get self-esteem in Alcoholics Anonymous by making amends. By making $5 payments to a $2,000 debt a month. I would make amends to people that have harmed and broken hearts and terrorized, and love would come in my life. I will make financial amends, and just when I needed it, the financial abundance would come at the right amount that I needed. Or if I didn't have it, I wasn't so terrified of not having it anymore. That father that I sort of alluded to, they used to beat us in the attic. I made amends for that man. I made Amends to him, and we became free and we fell in love. We fell in love. Because I see through this process, it's the most incredible thing. It's like a whole new world comes into view. Whole new world. The fourth dimension in which I saw this poor man was, he was beaten as a kid. He was kicked out of home at the age of 12 or 13. He had to grow up in the streets of Tehran, became a well-to-do man, self-made man. Ended up working for a really big company, managing 400 or 500 people and accolades and money. I saw that he did the best that he could with what he had. He always had our back financially. I saw it. I saw him do that, if not in other ways. I saw this for years. I was demanding from him to give to me something that he didn't have to give to me. Do you know why he didn' t have it? Because it was never given to him to give it to me I saw that I don' t know about you guys but I like to think that I'm deep in this path, not compared to anyone else, just deep compared to before for me, right? I'm in the middle of this thing, right, and sometimes alcoholism comes for a visit and you're not good enough and fears and this and that, whatever, right. And I'm into solution and the community supports me in that solution, right and then I look at him at the age of 40, heights of power, accolade money. He ended up picking us up and coming all the way across the ocean to a new land. He didn't have to leave his home. He could have kept his lifestyle. He left everything that was near and dear to his heart to give us a better life. I saw that. I saw what love in action looks like. I saw that for the first year of him being in Canada because he didn't speak a word of English, he looked different than everybody else, he didn'T know what to do if he was going to spend all this money that he brought. I saw that this poor man was crying every night. I found out later on while he was mopping the floor of a pizza pizza joint every night imagine coming from there to mopping the floor that's a big deal man could you do that I asked myself could you do that I didn't do that in my addiction in my alcoholism the terrorizing that I had them experience the lying the cheating the blaming the swearing so I made amends to that man and then we fell in love and that man is in the mid stage of alzheimer's now my dad is 77 years old he's still on his body and organs function with opiates and he's an opioid addict right at that age you can't just let go right he's forgetting things he pulled me aside one time not too long ago maybe a couple years ago a year ago i'm translating he said in persian i'm transiting he says son i want to thank you. I know I haven't been the best dad, and I'm not the easiest person to be around at times. I want to thank you for who you are. Because when you're around, I feel peace. You don't judge me at all. Can you tell me about this recovery thing that you've been doing? You know? You can't tell me there isn't a God. I have ample evidence in my own life of an existence of a loving God inside of me, inside to you. Everywhere, all the time. That man is not sober. He didn't get sober. That's not the point. My agenda, stop being trying to change him or get him sober or just change him. He's not my agenda anymore. He is my assignment for me to get better, for me to grow closer to God. I'm a great dad today to my own sons. The only reason I'm great dad is because I made that amends to that man. That's the only reason. And because of the love you pour into me, that I get to pour into my sons, you know? I start to sponsor very early on in sobriety. I want to share a couple of things that's just been my experience if it's okay with you guys. Very early on in sobriet. At three months sober, I'm at the twelfth step and continue to make commands, trying to practice prayer and meditation, you know, just learning all that kind of stuff, right? And my sponsor said, you have to start to pass this message on. And I was scared. And I disagreed, not for long. I argued, not för lång. And i said, well, what do I have to offer? Who wants someone with three months of sobriety? I don't, as a sponsor, right? And what I was told is that, that's very interesting, Ali, that line of thinking. Very interesting because because because if dr bob smith and bill wilson had some rule written in stone that you must have one year before sponsoring any set period of time right we would all be dead there'll be no a.a because they were all young in sobriety right and please like i i get it too right i i'd get it like back then they there was no other choice everyone's young and survived right these days we have some beautiful long timers that I just admire their path and I want what they have and I get that right there may not be as much room or space maybe for people younger in sobriety to start to pass this message on but see what I was reminded of is that this this program didn't start because Bill Wilson had an agenda to keep people sober by all the archives and books and history stuff that we read. Bill tried that for the first six months, pulling people off of bar stools, forcing this program down people's throats. The program didn't start. He didn't drink but the program didn' start. And I like to think if it didn't he would eventually drank again right? This program started when his business dealings in Akron Ohio went down to the dumps and he was pacing back and forth in the Mayflower Hotel and a drink called him. and then the spirit turned his gaze to the phone directory few phone calls later he meets Dr. Baba what's supposed to be a 15 minute conversation becomes 5 or 6 hours and the language of love started from there from one alcoholic's desire to stay sober himself ripple effects of it waves of it traveled 89 years later to us in this meeting talking about it so i stayed sober as a result of trying to pass this message on i went to a men's shelter because my sponsor directed me and i listened the direction right three three and a half months sober i would open the big book of alcoholics synonymous read three pages from it uh set up a meeting right and these men who were staying at the shelter we share from the pain and chaos in their life and there's despair and hopelessness and i would share the fact that I'm sober and the fact that I have some peace in my life maybe I don't know maybe they trusted my shorter length of sobriety as it's like it's more tangible I'm not sure if God used me right they would ask me they would go back saying the same thing every meeting there every week and these men would trust me and they would come to me after the meeting and say Ali can you just help us with these steps you're talking about how do you stay sober sure I can I will make appointments in coffee shops and go through the fake book. And I don't know if any of those first gifts from God are sober today. But as I said earlier, I stayed sober. I'd like to think maybe I'm a better sponsor today. I have more life experience practicing principles. I did the best I could. And ripple effects. And I wouldn't survive the trials and tribulations of this life if it wasn't for trying to pass it on. Not perfection. Trying, man. Trying to pass It on. see because when the heart gets full when it gets full it's got to flow through me into the lives of others if it doesn't it'll become stale and I'll die it'll drown me it'll be it'll come pungent it's gotta flow through me God's love into the life of others so I gotta try to pass it on and for the first I was three years in sponsoring a lot of men going to meetings speaking here and here and there and professing to you guys that the relationship with God is the most important relationship in my life and I meant it too and a long time an old timer had a relationship with me didn't embarrass me in front of people pull me aside they had a relation he knew me right pull me inside after a meeting quiet and said Ali that's interesting you always say that relationship with God is the most important relationship any life what are the relationship is important in your life. I said, my wife, Apsi, okay, I want you to consider something. I'll give you a consideration. If you give your wife, Absi, on a daily basis, the same amount of time that you give God on a daily basis she would divorce you. I'm still doing at three years in sponsoring a lot of men quick little prayer in the morning, quick little pray at night. Imagine if all I did with my wife good morning honey, good night honey. There'd be no relationship. Any relationship I have that means anything, I got to spend time with. And please don't let me rock the boat. Listen, if that's working for you, God bless you, keep doing it. All I'm saying is that for me, what happened for my elders and for me this path is so broad and roomy when I first step forward and every humble 24-hour step that I take it becomes narrower and narrower and narrow in a couple of different ways. One way relevant to this story is that I can no longer get away with not doing what the big book suggests for too long and big book suggests in step 11 prayer and meditation from that day to this trial and error very imperfectly a desire to get to know god more a desire to spend time with this power a prayer life and a meditative life has just grown around me i wake up really early in the morning i spend time with this power prayer meditation spiritual readings throughout the day i'm always praying god can you remove the selfishness from me self-centeredness from you can you show me what what my assignment is here what would you what do you want me to do here god i don't know at night i do a little review little prayer little time not too long longer in the morning than i know you know as a result of trying to cultivate very imperfectly cultivate and deepen a relationship with this inner resource, with this loving power. Words cannot do justice when I try to describe to you the feeling of peace and joy and love that I experience most days anyways, you know, most days. Indescribable. And at the same time, I cannot describe to sufficiently when life gets tough and sometimes life does get tough, and I'll talk to you about that. As a result of prayer and meditation and cultivating a relationship with this power, in the valleys of life, the knowing inside my heart that everything is going to be okay. I just need to be next to you guys. Everything is goingto be okay? You know? The last few years, when my wife speaks sometimes she makes me laugh she says uh life's not always rainbows and lollipops and she's right life's in session sometimes man hmm right brother it comes at you sometimes but boulders come at you sometimes depressions since i was a kid following to adulthood following to recovery feeling like a fraud Sponsoring people depressed at times. Continuous inside help and 12 steps and outside help has transformed, right? I suffered from that for a while. Couldn't find the job to help support a family for a While, you know, like you can find $15-$20 hour jobs. You barely support yourself as a bachelor, not a family. An alcoholic noise in my head. You're a loser. You're not a real man. A real man would support this family. The depression that ensues that. Afsi and I, my wife and I were coming up to 11 years marriage. We got separated a couple of times. We almost got divorced. I was sure that she's to blame. I left home. I went and rented a room in a house close to the house that we own, that we live in because I wanted to be close to my boy, my son. I was certain that she was to blame she's cruel, she's shallow she chases money too much for about a year I moved out for that whole year I never let go of your hand I never left go of the program broken, I fumbled and stumbled my sponsor walked me through other elders walked me through, I would wake up a little bit and it would get me again the noise in the head towards the end of that year I found myself in a room that I was renting close to my house in the exact same position that I had found myself many years earlier when I got sober. The four horsemen came for a visit again. Wouldn't it be good if you weren't here? Maybe a drink would fix that. My knees got bent again. A prayer came out of me. This prayer was a little bit different. God, I know who you are now. I have evidence of my, in my life of your, of your love. Can you just help me not be like this anymore? Because I'm tired of me. I'm destroying my life sober. I picked up the phone, called an elder. He took me through a set of steps and I just woke up and I became detached from being married. I don't mean like I didn't care. I became detached and like I didn'y need it like I needed oxygen. I wanted to love on her exactly the way she is. I woke up to the fact that everything that I'm accusing Afsi, I was accusing Afsia, my wife Afsian, I was doing too in my own way. I woke up. I just wanted to co-parent with her. With the help of my sponsor, he said, Abu Ali, now we're going to try to, on a deeper level, practice principles in a marriage that's not working. That wasn't used to me. I always try to practice principles when I got my way. that wasn't working so we were good for about a year you know and then the pandemic hits I thought that was it for the marriage just love and honor loving on them pandemic hits and I don't know with you guys but we thought we're probably going to die at the beginning right it's a good chance we're all gonna die so so much for that sorry outside She said, why don't you move back home for a little while? We don't know what's going to happen with this deal. I moved back home. We fell in love again. We fell In love, man. A deeper love than ever before. A spiritual love. Not just a romantic love. I don't have the luxury to be able to have just romantic love with anybody. I'm way too self-centered for that. For me, romantic love is what you do for me, if you agree with me. If you coddle me, if you take care of me. Spiritual love. That means God is... Apsi and I have to have a continuous spiritual awakening experience together. That means that God has to be in the middle of this thing. Either God is everything or else this marriage is nothing. And I use you make it nothing and I blame her. I'm really good at building cases for people by the way in my head. you know every single valley in life there's so many I could talk to you about but every single valley in live it served a purpose because it brought me back to the table with God for a deeper level of experience for a deep level of surrender of my ideas all this painful stuff and recovery has made me a better human being it's made me more humble it's make me kinder to other people's pain it's maybe a better messenger I think and every single time I have gone to and I still go to maybe once in a while to my sponsor or my elders with the perceived calamity of my life they share their experience of what if they've had the experience applying spiritual principles and they point me to some action that points me to God to some inventory to some amends to some newcomer to some prayer matter to something some action that points you to God because I'm beyond human help Your love, I love your love. I cherish your love and I need your love but in itself is not enough. Love is not enough. Powerful illness. Fear is not enough. powerful illness. If your love leads me to a set of action that I tap into a higher love, now we're talking. Now we're talking, you know? I've had to these steps they've had to become a way of life. They've had to become part of every single fiber, the fabric of my being because I don't suffer from a drinking problem. I suffer from alcoholism. It's a soul sickness, man. It's spiritual malady in which on my own power I want to crawl out of the skin, man On my own power I'm always worried about what you think about me Afraid of what you thing about me, you know On my own power, there's always some destination to get to, something to achieve, someone to date. And when I get there, I don't feel good enough again. This disease lulls me into a sleep, a delusion that somehow I'm separate from you guys, on my own Power, that is, right? Which leads me to the biggest delusion of all. If I'm separated from God's kids, then I'm separately from this Power. He or she or it is something maybe out there, maybe it doesn't exist, I'm not sure. that's not true for me today God is closer to me than breath I'm awake and I'm aware to this moment to this life in gratitude most of the time not all the time most of it most of your time you know a beautiful life man the last few years all I've been doing to the best of my ability is clean house trust God and help others that's all I have been doing with a lot of mistakes what you guys keep telling what Dr. Bob said these steps basically clean house trust God, help others. And I've stepped back and I've been watching in awe of this power do for me and my wife what we could not do for ourselves. Number one, keep us sober. Unlovable, unloved. Ugly on the outside and inside. Short term relationships always, everyone always left me. Use the opposite sex like alcohol. Heal me like a medicine. As I said, coming up to 11 years of marriage, a beautiful marriage, you know? Soldier God she is. I love her, man. A person who just has accepted me for me, broken and all. There you go. About 14 years ago must have been my last suicide attempt, something like that. I didn't know what to do with this life that God had given me. I didn' t know. I didn''t want it. Nine years ago, God gave us a baby boy. His name is Darius and he's one of the best things in my life. And as I was saying earlier, I'm a good dad. I really am. I play with him and I train him martial arts and we jog together. I tell him he's handsome. You can be anything you want, baby. Daddy loves you. I got your back. It's okay. Don't worry about those bullies. You tell the teacher, okay? You show love. But if they hit you, you hit them as hard as you can. okay spirituality is not stupidity and we'll talk about it after all this stuff all the love that i all this thought that i thought maybe a child needed and i'm sure i needed i just didn't get from my dad i i give it to my son today because of you guys because it's beautiful program you know so i'm a good dad because of you really three years ago my wife got it in her heart that she wants another baby Darius is like at that time he was three and six years old at that time right so I tried to argue against it I tried and she said to me that God put this on my heart and if I don't I'm never if I don't try I'm not going to forget myself I said okay well what can I say to that right so we ended up trying and we had to get external help like with the doctors because of her age and my body whatever's going on in vitro we had to do. And we went to the doctors to do in vitro three years ago we start the process and the doctor sat us down and said listen with this what's going wrong with your bodies and your ages you have with all the help we're going to give you have like a one percent chance of a healthy pregnancy don't waste your money. I'll never forget my wife in that doctor's office held my hands tears coming down her eyes looked at the doctor i said doc you do whatever you need to do and we'll do what we do because you don't know the god that we know to you my son maximus is four months old now at the age of 52 she gave birth i'm 47 she robbed the cradle but she looks good she looks so much better than me i punched up It's a God deal. I'm happy most of the time, not all the time. You know? I'm at peace a lot. I've become a servant. Somewhere along the line, here's a gift. Somewhere, there's a beautiful gift of recovery, priceless gift of discovery. Somewhere along, along the lines, I don't know exactly when, this life stopped happening to me. It started happening for me. I start to become really awake to the deal I made back in the third step God I'm going to stay close to you and do your work well I'm gonna try to help your kids you take care of the details of my life everything in this life happens for me for me to get closer to him be a better servant to others the highest position alcoholic synonymous is that of servant is the lowest position out there that of serving I woke up to that that's priceless because see none of the external stuff that we have like we don't have too much just enough right the house and car whatever not stuff will ever has ever kept me sober and not even the priceless stuff of a love of a good woman and a child has ever kept people sober we know people that have those right what keeps me sober is a relationship with this loving God and being a servant to him and to his other kids in and outside of Alcoholics synonymous, the best of my ability. If you're new, if you're newly back, thank you for being here. I appreciate you being here, if your sick and tired of being sick and tired of, being sick, and tired, of being, sick and, tired of. Being you, like I was. I humbly pray that you set aside everything that you think you know, join a home group, get a sponsor, dive in these steps, and experience this God that we're talking about. The poet Hafez said, I wish I could show you when you're lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being. These guys in Alcoholics Anonymous if you're new they showed me we can show you it's a lot more than an out drinking program believe me. God bless you thank you guys for your generosity for allowing me to come here. Thank you.