Alcoholic Death and Spiritual Basis of Life – Stay Sober for Keeps Workshop – Part 2 of 4 – Local AA Speakers

Right, we're ready. We're off. Okay, so we hope we've given you a killer case of alcoholism. It's an obsession of the mind coupled with an allergy to the body. We're screwed. We need a solution. So, we spent how many chapters? Three chapters. We'll try to convince us about our illness, if we have it or not. And I mean, if alcohol was my problem, I only need to go to detox, get detoxed, and everything would be fine. And I would be better and better without the problem when the problem is removed. Yeah? But my problem centers in my mind because I always pick up that drink again. and that is my thinking and my mind so I have to do something about that and I cannot change my thinking with my own thinking it's impossible so let's go to page 44 and here they summarize what we have gone through so far to two simple questions and it says in the preceding chapters you have learned something about alcoholism we hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic and the first question is if when you honestly want to you find you cannot quit entirely mental obsession yeah and that means i've been promising myself other people over and over again that i will never drink again and that's one of the differences that an alcoholic has from normal people that's the mental obsession or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take you are probably alcoholic and that's the allergy of the body and there's a second difference that we have from normal people yes that i cannot control the amount i don't know how much i'm going to drink when i start to drink and i have no clue what's gonna happen and you know what do you know what? For years, I used to put and between those two. But it doesn't say and. It says or. One or the other. You're probably alcoholic. To be truly powerless, you need both. However, it says or. And I love the way that Bill plays this down when he writes this. Probably. You maybe if that be the case you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer only another little word only a spiritual experience will concoct to one who feels he's an atheist or agnostic such an experience seems impossible but to continue as he as he is means disaster is that my experience question sign especially if he's an alcoholic of the hopeless variety am i an alcoholic or the hopeless I have to ask myself these questions to be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to faith well that's for us alcoholics for a normal person that would be very easy to choose but I mean I was sort of isn't there a third way they only ever give us two ways in here there is never a third way there's only two ways if I am alcoholic if I can answer those two questions yes that's me then I've got two alternatives alcoholic death, insanity or spiritual way of life way of live this isn't just a gadget to get sober this is a way of love this is the way of light that is described in here because I am different from other people but they've given me two alternatives I'm alcoholic two alternatives alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis spiritual foundation but it isn't so difficult about half of our original fellowship were of exactly that type at first some of us tried to avoid the issue hoping against hope We were not true alcoholics. But after a while, we had to face the fact, the fact that we must find a spiritual basis of life or else. On page 25 there's another reference to this going back one where it says we were in a position where life was becoming impossible and we had passed into the region from which there is no return from human aid. That's those two questions. Hopeless alcoholic. We had but two alternatives. Now this is, I say this is drunk or sober. Drunk or sober, blot out, one was to blotout the consequences of our intolerable situation as best we could. Sober, I know I can't drink, I'm going to blot out how I feel by doing something else for me at 15 years sober it was playing out in relationships some of us gamble some of use eat some of spend some of steal some of do all sorts of stuff shoplifting is a favourite one gambling is a favourite one because we've got to blots out the way that we feel inside and have a little bit of excitement does that or it says to accept spiritual help so this is the second time they've told us this they're talking very loudly very loudly it says go insane or die perhaps it's going to be that way with you but cheer up something like half of us thought we were 80s or agnostics Our experience shows that you need not to be disconcerted. If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago. If I could have changed myself, I would have done that long time ago. I was seeking I was always seeking I had a Catholic upbring when I left school I rejected that and I went into Buddhism I'm drinking like a mad dog but I'm into Buddhism I'm in the Zen I'm really died on macrobiotics there's no nutrition there I'm looking to see how a mere change of morals a better philosophy you know we've got I'm sure amongst us here we could put a library together with self-help books alcoholics are the biggest market for self-health because we're always looking this by the way is this you'll find this on the self-helps shelf this is not self-elp this is God help different self-con i can't help myself i had loads of self-help books and i stood in front of the mirror you know you are fine you are okay it never worked it never works so it says but we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us No matter how much we tried. How much we willed it, how much will and power we put into it, it didn't work. Yes, because it says we could wish to be moral, we could Wish to be philosophically comforted. In fact, we could will these things with all our might. But the needed power wasn't there. The needed power wasn't there I could be okay for sort of 10 minutes When I was in the house trying to, you know Make myself feel good You are okay Let's do this Let's go out Let's be good And 10 minutes later when I came up I was a wreck The neededpower wasn't that I couldn't live up to these moral codes of who I wanted to be, in any way, because the needed power wasn't there. Our human resources, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient. They failed utterly, utterly. And this is the problem. Lack of power, that was our dilemma. we had to find the power by which we could live and it had to be a power greater than ourselves obviously is it? is it obvious? is it obviously? it has to be obvious no, it has? be obvious you see I was told to turn statements into questions is it obvious that I can't do this on my own power if it's not obvious then I am going to continue to try on my owen power I am going to try everything that I think will fix me until it doesn't fix me. And when it doesn�t fix me, I get to a place where obviously I can�t do it. But until I�m doing that, I am not going to do what those steps ask me to do because those steps are going to ask me to do some stuff that I don�t want to do, that I have never done in my life and I run away from. Is it obvious that I can't do this on my own? And my sponsor and many other people turn around to say, if you think there is something else out there that can fix you, go find it. And if it doesn't work, come back here. We're the last house on the block. Come back here because I know this works, but I've got to be ready to actually surrender to it and work it. If I'm not ready to work it, it ain't going to work. You see, if I'd start these steps and hold something back, it Ain't gonna work. And I've seen it many, many times as folks out there who worked all the steps and they said I worked all the steps it didn't work ah no you didn't let's go back and check because I've never seen this file seriously anyway carry on well obviously I couldn't because I couldn't keep myself sober I couldn t keep myself sober i always drank again that was my experience always always and then it says but where and how were we to find this power well that's exactly what this book is all about its main object is to enable you to find the power greater than yourself, which will solve your problem. That's what this book is about! That's powerful, that this book contains what it can take you from when you honestly want to, you cannot quit entirely or with no drinking a little control. Total Hopeless Alcoholic. This book is designed to take you from that to a place where you have a relationship with this power that will keep you sober. I can't keep me sober, the power will keep me so. These 12 steps take us, this book is design to show us how to get from a place of hopeless alcoholism where I'm going to die, go insane first but I'm gonna die to a place where I can live a full life of being useful and just a full life, and actually live a long time. I'm 65 now, I shouldn't be here. If I had carried on drinking, I'd have died a long time ago. That's what this is about. About finding a power. Not working the steps in solving your problem, finding a power that will solve your problem. What does Step 2 say? Go back to page 59. Step 2 says, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. We are insane because of the mental obsession and the lack of proportion. Our mind will always take us back to a drink. It's a form of insanity. We suffer from a mental illness called alcoholism. Ism, incredibly short memory. ISM. Where alcoholism is concerned I have an incredible short memory I cannot remember what it did to me a week ago. But I have this overwhelming desire to drink again. Now I thought at step two I had to have a fully conceived idea about what this power was. It's not what it says. It says that this book will enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem. How do we come to believe in this power? How do We come to have what this Power is? Is by working the rest of the steps. I don't have to have a fully formed idea about what This Power is. I was brought up with a Catholic education. I learned a lot about the great saints of the Catholic Church and there was one called Saint Augustine who spent all of his life trying to figure out what God was and if Saint Augustin can't do it, I can. I don't need to know it all. I need to now that that power is there and it works in people's lives and how to get a relationship with it is what our steps are all about. our steps are about a relationship with this power that will solve my problem but it's not just a relationship it's an intimate relationship that's astounding it's the power it's what we have here is a path to this power to an intimate relationship with his power and the great thing about it is it's whatever you think it is they don't put it in a box yet. It's whatever you believe it to be. Let's go back. The main thing is that I understand that I am powerless, that I am insane when it comes to the first drink. Because if I think that I still have some power or that I can do something that will fix me, if I still think that, why do I need a power greater than myself? If I still think that I am able to and that I can do it somehow, some way, I still think I have power. Why do I need a power greater than myself. I had to fully concede to my innermost self that I am a hopeless, real alcoholic and I am going to pick up that drink again. It's not a question of if I'm going to pickup that drink, it's the question when am I going to pick up that drink again. And I have to understand this, that I am powerless here, inside, that I cannot fix myself in any way. Because if I just take the second step as a mental thing, okay, I can believe in a power greater than myself. Okay, what do I do next? I just take it mentally. I do not understand that I really am powerless. That's what powerless means. I cannot trust my own mind. What can I trust then, if I can't trust my own mind that's why i need a power greater than myself to change my thinking to change my mind so i get a new mind because my mind doesn't work that's what we're talking about yes what we are talking about with the 12 steps we're not talking about a gadget just to state just not to drink. We're talking about changing the way we think and approach life. Because if we carry on thinking and approaching life the way that we do untreated, we will always drink again. I've been around Alcoholics Anonymous a very long time. I have watched people sit in contemporary AA and not take the steps and stay sober for multiple years but almost inevitably they get drunk again one guy i know big mick back home in jersey he was in the rooms before i came 27 years sober he picked up a drink he died about six months later nobody knew where he was they had to he was lying in his in this he used to live in a nice place he gambled all his money away he was gambling instead of drinking untreated alcoholism comes out sideways it's not necessarily we drink it comes out sideways we do other stuff to make ourselves feel comfortable, we know we can't drink we have a mental thing that says oh no I'm an alcoholic I can't drank but and it comes outside ways it comes in many many different dysfunctional behaviors if you want to call it that but it's untreated alcoholism if I am an alcoholic and he gambled and he gamble everything away and when he had nothing left he ended up drinking and he picked up a bottle of vodka and he couldn't even get out of his house he was ordering it and they were delivering it and nobody knew where he was and they discovered him ten days after he died and had to scrape him up off the floor that's how we die alone with this 27 years sober you were told that permanent sobriety but it wasn't he had to keep fixing himself and I see this many, many, many times and because it says this thing about mere code of morals I've also seen people that have 11th stepped themselves out of the pride they go, we get a code of morals, we find something if you like, the framework to put God in and that becomes more important than these steps. You see if I don't continue to do this work, work and rework the steps, I get blocked off we will see that in the next step I block myself off from the power and I drink again. Should we do this? If we go to page 47, there's a question which is step 2. This is step two. Halfway down page 47 it says we need to ask ourselves but one short question. Do I now believe because I'm powerless or I have some kind of background in believing something in particular why am i even willing to believe that maybe just maybe there is something out there somewhere or around here somewhere that can change the way that i think and approach life willingness now willingness is only the prerequisite It's not the change, it's the prerequisite for change. We have to be willing to change, otherwise we're not going to change. However, once we recognize the willingness, we are usually able then to follow whatever it is that produces the change. Am I even willing to believe that there is a power greater than myself? And that was quite hard for me when I first came to Alcoholics Nondis because I ever thought I was the most powerful person that ever lived until alcohol cut me down and then it says as soon as a man or woman can say that he does believe or is even willing just willing and sometimes I say oh I've got a problem with this God idea, okay do you think there's something at work in me that has changed me? Oh yeah Okay, well use mine. Be willing to believe that something is at work in me that has changed me. Okay, you're on the bus. It says we emphatically assure him that he's on his way. You've taken step two. You're on a bus. It has been repeatedly proven upon this simple cornerstone a wonderful and effective spiritual structure can be built. Willingness to believe. That's all it takes to take step two. We don't, it takes step two just like that. As long as we understand at a bone marrow level that I am powerless, that my brain will take, my thinking will take me back to drink no matter what. I love it when folks say, you know, don't drink no mater what. If I even get close to no mater what I'm drinking. They say don't even drink if your butt falls off. You know, it's like even if my butt twitches, I'm drinkin'. I can't pull that off however if I'm willing to believe that there is a power somewhere somewhere and the book has told me that it's going to show me where to find it then I'm on the bus I've taken step two and they've got a whole chapter about step two because it's an argument step two is a windy argument Bill talks about it in his story windy argument and what it is it's bill reasoning with himself to a certain extent about why you should believe and why you shouldn't and bill is an agnostic the guy who wrote this book is an Agnostic that means he thinks there's something out there somewhere but it ain't personal to him and actually he wouldn't really like that thing whatever it is that power looking over his shoulder because some of the stuff he did he didn't really want that power in there and it's It's priceless. This chapter is actually one of the most amazing discourses on why we should believe in a power, whether we're alcoholic or not. There was a cardinal who was in the Vatican, actually wrote her boss name on this and said this is one ofthe most amazing things he's ever written about why we we should believe in a power greater than ourselves. And it was written by a guy who was three years sober, maximum. It's astonishing, it's astonishing. That's great news for us, it said. Because we thought, because I got this alcoholic way of thinking, I thought I had to have this fully, I thought some idea about what this power was and all this kind of stuff but this is great news. I don't have to, just relax, that's okay. you're willing to believe. Very interesting at the end of this chapter, they give us a proposition. Now I believe that a proposition is something that you debate. When you propose that you have a debate, you've got two sides and they make a proposal. And one side's for it and the other side's against it. So there's a proposition now. And on page 53 they give us a proposition about this power. We don't have to answer it straight away to get step two. We've taken step two, but now they're going to give us a composition about this power that we're just willing to believe in. It goes like this. When we became alcoholics, do I believe on one of those? Crushed by a self, and that's the first time they mention this, self-imposed crisis. Oh, hang on a minute. Read that again. Crushed by a self-imposed crisis. It's me that's doing this to me. I said last night that every time you read self in here, change it to ego. I'm not trying to rewrite the book. But I believe that in the time this book was written, they didn't use the word ego like we use it today. And they understood self to be what we call ego. I may be wrong so this sounds good doesn't it crushed by an ego imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade my thinking is killing me that's what they're saying my thinking is killing me we had to fearlessly face the proposition that God is everything there's a good morning meditation to think about that meditate on everything just the word everything what does that mean or else God is nothing in which case I'm screwed God either is or he isn't what's my choice to be well I've just said I'm willing to believe, so I've made my choice. But this is a proposition, so I can go back to this. I don't have to answer it straight away, but they've put that up there. Either God is everything, and as I say, you think about everything. Well, everything. Everything. Either is or isn't. If God isn't, I'm screwed and the only thing you really need to know is that he is and it isn't you That's it, that's what my sponsor Billy told me when he came 12 step me. He said you're gonna hear about God We're gonna start talking about God mister. There's two things you need to go about God One that there is one the other one. It ain't you we've taken the second step right at the end of we agnostics they say there's one sentence that says when we drew near to him he disclosed himself to us that's our job now our job now is to draw near to that power how do we do that step 3 through 9 are designed for us to draw near to that power to take away what is blocking us from that power the self imposed crisis this ego imposed crisis that stops us from accepting this power that think that we are ok and we can control this by ourselves am I done having it my way. Write that in your book after that. Am I done? Capital letters. Underline it. Highlight it. Am I Done? If I'm not done then maybe I need to go out and explore what I think will get me sober other than these steps. Because I'm ready to make a decision to actually begin the work of these steps we get to the chapter how it works the chapter how it worked contains two steps step three and step four I wonder if they're saying that's how it work step three and step four Dr. Bob said trust God clean house help others step three trust God step 4 clean house step 12 how it works step 10 watching for what we found in step 4 the process of step 4 is crucial to what we do here step 3 is the decision to begin to do step 4 step 4 is crucial to what we do to moving on Because it is going to identify the self-imposed crisis. Shall I read? Let's use the original manuscript. Oh, yes. Let's do that. Chapter 5 in the original manuscripts. You can follow on with yours and you will see the differences. Okay? And this is really interesting. The reason why I like to use the Original Manuscript is because you see up until chapter 5 the alcoholics, the 40 or 60 or however many people it was that were around at the time had absolutely no problem about what Bill had written about alcoholism but when it came to what they did to recover from alcoholism they all had an opinion and they changed what he wrote and he went along with it because he's working this idea of the group conscience. And so he went along with it, but as he originally wrote it, he was talking directly to me. He wasn't saying we all the time. He was talking correctly to the alcoholic. It says further on clear-cut directions it talks about in the book. The original manuscript is clear- cut directions. You see, if I read we more than about three or four times, I think they're talking about them and not about me. that's what my alcoholic mind tells me we, it's them it's about them not about me I think this is fantastic how it works rarely and Bill always said if he could change one word in the whole book he would change the word rarely to never Never have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our directions. That's a bit different. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. Usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. there are such unfortunates they are not at fault they seem to have been born that way they are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a way of life which demands rigorous honesty it's a way of life not a way of living it's a way of life what are they going to describe in the twelve steps as a way of life for us alcoholics their chances are less than average. There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. How many times does he mention honest here? Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened when I took the steps and what we are like now. And if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to follow directions and this is sort of step zero and this was the qualification in the old days for AA before they came to a meeting they had taken you know they had qualified them they had taken one to before they came to the meeting do you want what we have you have to do what we have done to get what we have you know to follow directions at some of these you may balk you may think you can find an easier softer way with doubt if you can with all the earnestness at our command we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start now why do they think they're begging why do you think they're banging they're pegging because they know what it happens to us if we don't do this the people who wrote this book were low-bottom drunks people died to write this book we know about their successes we don t know about their failures there are people who died to people they watched what what happened i've seen what happens i beg you to be fearless alcoholic death is not a good one some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely that my way did not, did not work. My old ideas did not work. Remember that you are dealing with alcohol cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help it's too much for you. For you talks to me here. That there is one who has all power and that one is God. You must find him now urgent it's urgent you must find him now half measures will away avail you nothing nothing half measures will avail you nothing halfway do a little and leave the rest it doesn't work it doesn'T work You stand at the turning point, throw yourself under his protection and care with complete abandon. This is powerful. Now we think you can take it. Here are the steps we took which are suggested as your program of recovery. Now there's one change that I think is significant and I think it's important. where it says throw yourself under his protection and care with complete abandon, what it says in our book now it says we asked his protection and care with complete abandon, that's a prayer whenever they say we ask in the big book, it's a pray so there is a pray before we start the steps here it is, please God look after me and care for me while I do this while I do this, look after me and care for me, so that takes away the fear doing this. I'm asking this power into my life before I do this. Step four isn't a problem anymore. You know, you hear in contemporary age, oh, you're doing step four. Uh-uh. I've got the power that created the universe. All religions say that. It's not a little power, it's the power of creating the universe, you look at any religion doesn't matter what it is, they all say that's what it is. I am asking the power that created the universe to look after me while I'm working 12 goofy steps. Do you think that's possible? Sure it is. There's no fear here, not now. And every time I feel frightened about working the steps, I can say that little prayer. Please God, look after me and care for me while i do this. It's the beginning of this intimate relationship with this power. Now we think you can take it. Here are the steps we took, which is suggested in the program of recovery. Palace over alcohol, dash. Our lives are unmanageable. We're just about to look at the unmanagability now. The unmanigability in this book, when we look at this, when we Look at Step 3, is not about our decision not to drink. You see, I'm palace over alcohol when it's outside of me because I cannot make the decision not use it. I'm powerless over alcohol when it's inside of me because of the allergy. That's the first half of the first step. We've come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Now we're going to make a decision. But first, before we make that decision, we go to the A, Bs and Cs on the next page. A, alcoholic, cannot manage your own life. They haven't explained that yet, the management, but they're going to very shortly. That's step one. That probably no human power can relieve your alcoholism. Step two. That God can and will. Doesn't say if he was sought, just can and wil. In the original manuscript, God can and wil, not if you seek him, not conditionally, can and vil. God doesn't do stuff conditionally. God's unconditional. we push God away. God can and will. If you are convinced of these vital issues, you ought to re-read the book to this point. If you're not convinced about these vital issues, steps one and two, you oughta re- read this book to this point or else throw it away. Because there's not gonna be any use to you if you're not convinced. You can go into these steps not being convinced, it's not going to work. Now there are requirements where step two and it says being convinced now if you are convinced you are now at step 3 which is that you make a decision to turn your will in your life over to God as you understand him just what do we mean by that and just what are we doing now they're going to talk about what we do that takes us back to page 52 I was taught to read this in the first person the first requirement is that I see that a life run on self-will can hardly be a success so on this basis I am almost always in collision with something, somebody even though my motives are good I'm having trouble with personal relationships I cannot seem to make a living why is that? most people try to live by self-propulsion they mean everybody not just alcoholics everybody each person is like the actor who wants to run the whole show I am forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet and the scenery and the rest of the players in my own way. I want what I want when I want it and I want you to give it to me. If my arrangements would stay put and if only people would do as I wish, the show would be great. Everybody, see I know what you want too, including myself would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. Follow what I'm saying want you to do and you're going to have a good time too. In trying to make these arrangements, I may sometimes be quite virtuous. I may be kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest in self-sacrificing. I'm an actor. What is an actor? An actor is someone who is in a play. Actor, theatrical performer, one who takes a part. I'm being an actor when I'm being kind and considerate. I don't really mean it. I want you to do what I want you do, and if being kind and consider it towards you works, that's great. However, on the other hand, if that doesn't work, I may be mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest. Whatever it takes to get my way. I'm having trouble with personal relationships. I wonder why. As with most humans, I am likely to have varied traits. What usually happens, the show doesn't come off very well, discontent. I begin to think that life doesn't treat me right. You're not doing what I want you to do. I decide to exert myself some more. I become on the next occasion still more demanding or gracious as the case may be. whatever works. I'm acting you see, I'm an actor. Admitting that still the play doesn't suit him, discontent. Doesn't suit me. Admitted I am somewhat at fault, I am sure other people are more to blame. I've lost my place. I become angry, indignant and self-pitying. Pour me, pour me, pour me a drink. What is my basic trouble? Am I not a self-seeker when trying to be kind? Am I nicht the victim of the delusion? Aha, there's that delusion thing again, the insanity. That I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if only I manage well. There's the management. This is the second half of the first step. This ist what I'm doing that takes me back to page 52. This is why I'm having trouble with personal relationship. This es why I am discontented. this is why I'm irritable, you're not doing what I want you to do. And I know what you need to do because you'll be happy too. And it has to happen because if you don't do it, I'm unhappy. And if I'm unhealthy, you've got to find out about it. Is it not evident to the rest of the players that these are the things that I want? Well, I've made myself pretty clear. do not my actions make each of you wish to retaliate snatching all you can out of the show am I not in my best moments a producer of confusion rather than harmony because I put on different acts I can be kind to you but I can't be really angry at you and next minute I'm being angry at your being kind to you nobody knows where they're coming or going when I'm around them because I want you to do what I want you to do when I want you to do it I'm like an actor who wants to run the whole show. I want everything to line up, I want all my ducks in a row otherwise I'm going to be unhappy and if I'm going to happy I end up drinking at you I'll show you I'll go get drunk our actor is self-centered I am self- centered, egocentric as people like to call it nowadays that's the only point where they say ego but they say self- centered there's a wonderful illustration I found on the internet of self-centred it's got like a circle that says me in the middle and the earth is going around me the self-centred universe the earth has gone around me the sun has gone round me the moon has gone rond me the rest of the stars have gone round the whole universe has gone round me, I'm in the middle that's self-centered something else we do a lot is self-monitor how am I feeling? am I hot? am I cold? am I happy? am I sad? Self-centered, I'm looking inwards. I'm not looking outwards to see how you're doing. I'm look inside all the time. Self-centred, I mean inside. Self- centred. And then they give us some self-cented people. But then they say selfishness, self-centeredness. That we think is the root of our troubles. This spiritual melody we hear about in Alcoholics Anonymous. if selfishness self-centeredness is the root of my troubles, driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion self-seeking, self pity self, self,self,self we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate, sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation but invariably sometime in the past we have made decisions based on self which later put me in a situation to be hurt basically we say basically our troubles are our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is almost the most extreme example that could be found of self-will run right. I love the way they write that in the original manuscript. I'll read it again. That the alcoholic is almost themost extreme example that could befound of self will run right, though he usually doesn't think so. That doesn't mean to say we are the only people who have self will ran right. This whole world is full of people with self willrun right, but we are the most extreme example that could be found. Even though we don't think so. And we don'T think so, because we're in a delusion. You may have moral... it says here that there is... above everything, above everything we alcoholics must be rid of the selfishness. We must or it kills us. It's not alcohol that kills us. The spiritual malady we produce by living like this. We shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit by living in the spiritual world. By living like that. We produce the spiritual malady. I wasn't born with a spiritual malody, I learned this stuff, or I was born with this huge ego. Otherwise what are we looking for in step four? We're looking for what they're describing here in step five. We're not looking for a spiritual melody, they've told us about what's wrong with us, they talk about we get to step forward they say that resentment is what shuts us off from the sunlight produces the spiritual I make myself spiritually ill by living in a selfish self-centred and it says that we must be rid of this or it kills us God makes this possible and there is no way of entirely getting rid of self without him you have a moral you may have moral and philosophical convictions galore but you cannot live up to them even if you would like to neither can you reduce your self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on your own power you must have God's help but I'm blocked off from God how do I get to God? well that's what these steps are all about when we come back we got one more break before lunch or was this lunch? this is lunch okay when we comes back we look at step 3 and we look the mechanics of step 4 and the mechanics of step four is really, really simple as they lay that in the big book. All right. Thanks for listening.