Alcohol Didn’t Cause My Alcoholism — It Treated It – Katie P.

The moment you've all been waiting for, Jimmy alcoholic. So 2005, 12 alcoholics met in my house with an idea. And the idea was that we wanted to start a group in this area that would carry a message of depth and weight and have a big book study group. And a design for a living group was not out of a resentment or a coffee pot, but a dream that a bunch of recovered alcoholics could start a big book meeting in this area. So our first meeting was first three years we were in Wall Township over by the high school. And then we outgrew that spot. What started as a study group in a few houses blossomed to what we have today. And for many years, a bunch of us would go around houses and do Joe and Charlie workshops. And we would listen to the cassettes and the CDs. And then we'd break it down and do the best we could in trying to understand what the book was all about. With the help of many and the support of another state. And so that's how we started the study group. And I always give great credit to the group that really started this format 25 years ago. Pete and his group, Colts Neck Tuesday Night. We broke off from them. And then there's been a lot of other groups that have broken off from us. But with the support of Colts Neck, the dream came alive on January 22, 2006, when a design for a living group was born. And I'll never forget that last meeting we had, we went to prayer. And we prayed that 30 people would show up. And the first night, 175 people showed up. And you guys have been down here, you know we've been a pretty big group for a long time. The group's sole purpose, as stated in the first edition of the book Alcoholics Anonymous, will always be to follow the footsteps of the more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, and to show to other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered. Have a good night, everyone. Thank you, Jimmy. And without further ado, I'd like to introduce our guest speaker, Katie P. from Austin, Texas. Come up for the mic. Hi, guys. Katie Parker, alcoholic. We'll get that mic right. I don't know. I've never seen a podium that has drink holders in it. It makes me feel very at home. First, I want to thank Jimmy and Mary Beth for always opening their home to me and asking me to come. It was real special. You know, it's been a very tough couple of years. I'm very, very picky at where I'm going. And it's a good feeling. It's like, yeah, no, yeah, no, yeah, no. And coming here was just exactly what I needed. I needed to be with family that I just love dearly. And they just opened their home. And then, of course, I got Roger, who I just love to give a hard time to. I'm telling you, he was going to pick me up at the airport, right? That's a fairly simple task until you come into sub zero, weather, and I'm a Texan. And I'm out there. And I'm texting him, which is not my cup of tea. I'd prefer to call him. And he goes, seven minutes. And I thought, oh, seven minutes. I'm going to go stand back inside. So I go stand inside for a few minutes. And I think, I'll stand back out there. I believe it was 21 minutes later. And I'm like, dude, where are you? Bless his heart. So needless to say, I gave him tremendous grief. I am such a weenie in the cold. I mean, I have pantyhose on for the first time in 25 years. And I now remember why I hate them. I mean, they just work their way down. So I swear, if you could watch the video of pulling a pair of pantyhose up for a woman, it is not attractive. And then, of course, Chad and Julie are here, which is, you know, I couldn't ask for anything more. But I love it. I love the opportunity to come speak in AA. And I've been sober since October 28 of 1984. And this year. I celebrated 40 years sober, which is unbelievable. I mean, I swear to God, you just go, 40 years? When did that happen? So at my home group, I chair the home group meeting. And I said, how many of you guys were not even born 40 years ago? And I mean, the majority raised their hand. I went, wow. I've been sober longer than half the people in this room. You know, it's incredible. My home group is the primary purpose group in Austin, Texas. We meet on Tuesday nights at 730. It's 2701 South Lamar, if you're ever in Austin. We have tons of people drop in. Any chance they get, they try to work it around that meeting. It's a unique meeting. We study the book line by line. And Charlie used to say, it's a whole lot more fun than it looks like or sounds like. And it really is. It's a very interesting meeting. And now Chad does one online. But it's a cool way to learn the book. If you want to learn the book, it's a cool way to learn the book. If you're not interested, then let's just part as friends. Right? Just, you know, I always don't like this argument where, oh, you're a book person. You're like, really? That's how you want to start this conversation? It's not going to go well. OK? Because I got to, oh, so you're one of those kind. You know what I mean? And to me, it's just like, hey, if you like it, like it. If you don't, don't. I mean, that's the beauty of AA. The fact that none of us have shot each other has always shocked me. And somebody told me, they go, oh, there's been some shootings. I said, well, not on my watch. Charlie used to like to say that, you know, I'm a little bit like taking a drink out of a fire hose. I'm a lot coming at you. And I came out of the womb that way, man. I just, I am just a lot coming at you. I love life. I love to live life to its fullest. I love to look people in the eye. I love to meet people. And I've talked with people before. They're like, I just don't really like doing that. And you have no idea what you're missing. Because if God orchestrates every moment of your life, the person sitting next to you is the right person who's supposed to be sitting next to you. Take a minute to get to know them. And then, of course, if they become Chatty Cathy, you're like, OK. All right. OK. This one wasn't quite what I was looking for. But it might be something good for them. I don't know. And the other thing I'd like to start with is, you know, I am the vessel to help you get connected to the power. I am not the power. I don't know what car you should drive, what job you should take, what boy you should date. I like to always correct that one. I know what boy you should date, and it's not that one. I really, I know that. What's going to happen is I'm going to have to do a lot of work, because you're dating that boy. Oh, boy. It's a dandy. But I don't really talk a lot about my drinking, only because knee to knee with another drunk I can. But I like to talk more about staying sober. So what qualifies me is I know pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization. I know what that looks like. I had a five-year-old little girl when I got sober. I knew I drugged that little girl in places she had no business being, and I couldn't stop doing it. And I tell you, when I look back at my life, it's like a treasure map. I hope you take some time. I hope you take some time to really look at yourself and really examine who you are. Because as an alcoholic, we are deeply self-centered, deeply. And it doesn't mean I'm stingy or conceited. I am just completely self-consumed. I just want to talk about me. Are you done talking? Because I'm ready to talk now. And if you're really a good listener, your head is just chattering about the person to shut up. Right? It's just this thing never stops. I thought drinking and not drinking was the finish line. I really thought if you don't drink, you're a winner. Well, that's questionable. Because if all you're doing is not drinking and Alcoholics Anonymous, there is so much more you're missing and so much more of life to be had. That's all I can say. And hopefully, when I get through this, you'll see what I'm talking about. I was the youngest of three. I was born in 1958. I'm turning 67 in a couple of months. And. And I know I like getting older. What do you got? If you don't like getting older, boy, the rest of your life's going to suck, you know? I mean, it's kind of happening every day. And I mean, we've been bitching about certain things that happened in your late 60s. Like, wow, when did that happen? It's like, I think I got a P. I think. Well, I'm not sure yet. We're all waiting. What's going to happen? OK. For you guys that are under 40, it will happen. And you'll remember what I said. But I was raised by a World War II vet. I think everybody should have been. And you'd learn a lot more in life if you had your butt kicked a lot. And my dad and I fought like crazy. I mean, I was the youngest of three. And they tortured you. So how many under the youngest child in the family raise your hand? You were tortured, weren't you? Wrapped up in the couch, you know, with the fold-out couch. And swear to God, we're not going to leave you. And then they go. We're going. We're leaving her. You know, I'm like, ho, ho. So you know, I swear to God, my brother and sister, my brother shot me in the leg with a pellet gun. And I was crying. I go, why did you do that? He goes, I wanted to see if it hurt. Oh, it hurt. Yeah, it hurt. Yeah, it hurt bad. Threw a cat on me one time. Threw a cat on me. I swear to God, you know, that just doesn't happen today. I don't know what it is. It's just a totally different deal. But I came out. I really did. I came out driven as a kid. I came out mighty mouse. I mean, by nature, I'm the kind of gal who takes a step forward. I'm the kind of gal who sees something. Now, I will tell you, the older I get, I'm getting better than I've ever been. I mean, I'll see something going on over there. It's like, that's none of my business. None of my business. Don't do it. Don't do it. Now, if I see somebody push somebody, I'm like, OK, they need me. They need me in there. Stop. And I don't know what it is. Charlie goes, you are that big, and you scare the crap out of me. I know I love that about myself. But when I was a kid. As a kid, I liked to say, what did you do to treat your alcoholism before you found alcohol? See, I thought alcohol caused alcoholism. Come to find out, it treated alcoholism. It's the only thing that would treat this self-centeredness that I suffer from. And if that bothers you, have an open mind. It gets way better. Really does get way better. But my sister and I, we started doing anything we could. It was hard to get booze right away. It was a lot easier to do a lot of outside issues and do whatever. But when my sister and I were eight and nine, we liked to hyperventilate. Any hyperventilators? Of course, now they've turned it all sexual. I swear to God, you can't do any. Everything goes to the dark side. But we'd get a towel, and you'd wrap it, and you'd just choke each other out in the bedroom. And I mean, it was so much fun. If I wasn't so scared, I'd do it again today. And you know, when you come back, you're like, do it again. Do it again. Do it again. And I swear you could tell the difference between the Al-Anons and the AAs at that young of an age. The Al-Anons are screaming out of the room, they're choking each other. And we're like, do it again. Do it again. I went. But you know, you had all the little red marks, and you got in trouble. My sister fell on the curb and hit her head. Apparently, we needed to stop doing that. But the other thing was, I don't know if any of you guys remember Vick's Formula 44. It was that coffee looking black. And I mean, I used to have it. I was a sick kid all the time. I used to have it by the bed, and I'd just take a pull off of it when I was young. And yeah, I had no idea it had alcohol in it, but I loved it. I loved the burn. I loved everything about it. And I still take cough medicine that same way. If there's cough medicine, we don't use the cup. We don't use a spoon. Just take a pull. It'll be fine. So all my kids were like, that's mom's. Don't do it. Don't do it. She's lips all over it. I'm just like, oh my god, really? But you know, it's interesting. When I was young, my mom died when I was eight. It was very unexpected. She had a kidney disease. And it was 1967, for god's sakes. We weren't doing grief groups. We weren't doing all of that stuff. It was just a very, very different time. It was not a bad time. It was just a different time. And basically, they come in. They say, hey, your mom's sick. And we go to the hospital. And it was very dark, very terms of endearment kind of feeling. And then the next day, my dad comes in and says, your mom died last night. And I would say we were upper middle class. I can't really tell you for sure. Because it certainly took many different turns. But my dad remarried in an 18-month period. He remarried three times. And we had four live-in housekeepers. Now, Charlie used to say, well, he could close a deal. That guy could. Man. But what I thought when I got sober is that would have made you alcoholic. I believe something had to make me alcoholic. I had no idea it was a genetic bullet. And I understand that today. It's a genetic bullet. You know, you hear people go, oh, well, that's not true. Oh, well, they quit drinking. And I'm like, nah. You know, I really do believe that. And you can have your own opinion. I'm not up for an argument on that one. I just think it's a genetic bullet. But when I came into AA, I would have told you that that's what made me alcoholic, was my mom dying and that crazy insanity in our house. But what I understand is it influenced my old ideas. And it's so important that we learn what our old ideas are. I think the word old ideas means bad ideas. Oh, no, my old ideas can be good ideas. Like I'm a good mother, but I'm really a better mother than you are. I'm a good AA, but I'm the better AA than you are. See, that's an old idea. And I don't even know I have them until I do this inventory process, which continues for a lifetime. Didn't know that for many, many years. I started, and I swear to God, I'm either sounding like Katharine Hepburn or a man. I do not know what's going on with my voice. But I feel like I'm breathing from here. And it's like Katharine Hepburn. Really, God? Come on. The thing I really like to do is talk. And that's what we're going to have. So God knows what's happening. I started drinking at 12. I don't know why that seems to be the magic age for most alcoholics. It's typically not 11. It's not necessarily 13. It's 12. 12 is the magic number. And it was hard to get booze at 12, right? I mean, the drinking age in Texas was 18. You could drink and drive. I mean, you had to be knee walking drunk to get a DUI. I was very fortunate to be a woman and pulled over by a male cop. You know? He's like, honey, I'm going to follow you home. Thank you. Thank you. But now, boy, it's tough. DUIs are tough. And you can't even get into Canada, and we're having the international. So don't be fooled, guys. You need to get that off your record before you'll be turned around in Canada. They don't like no DUIs up there. I've watched so many people make that mistake. So talk to me afterwards if you're going to international. Your trips will be ruined if you don't get that expunged off your, I think it cost $2,500. Oh. Oh. I, I, I. Divert. Back, back to the talk. So, but it was hard to get booze. You could only drink so much of your folks' booze before you were going to get caught. So we used to sit in front of the 7-Eleven. I remember right where that 7-Eleven was. And you just waited for the creepy guy, right? I mean, you're 12 years old on your Schwinn bicycle, right? Houston was all woods. It was not what it is today. And so you just wait for the creepy guy. So I want you to hear me. 12 years old, and I am picking my mark. So when you come into AA and you go, that guy is bothering me. I'm like, oh, stop it. Go over there and kick him in the shin, for God's sake. I have never, ever had anyone grope me, touch me, or treat me poorly in AA. So if you're having a problem, come get me. I'll take care of it. I mean, I swear, we come in here and we just become. And I, and so we wait for the mark. And he comes up and you go, hey, buddy, can you buy us some booze? And he's like, I sure can. And I always thought he was 40, but he was probably 22. But you're 12, so everybody looks 100. And the hardest thing we had to do was lose that guy, right? You get on your Schwinn, you take off for the woods, and he's trying to drive, follow us, and we're cutting through everything. And he's gone, and we got the Boone's Farm in the woods, and we're doing our thing. But one of the things that I think is really interesting is because that creepy guy is in the rooms of alcohol. It's anonymous now. You do know that, right? I mean, I can close my eyes, and I know right where you're sitting, OK? I can walk. We women have that intuition. It's like him right there, you know? It's just that God gave us that nature. I was walking one time with Charlie's daughter at the fair, the state fair. And this guy walked by, and I go, did you see that? She goes, yes, I did. I said, good for you. That's all you got to know. That's nasty. That's creepy and nasty. And we're going to watch where he's walking because you don't want Graham on him, OK? We be getting ugly here. My dad and I were, you fight with the parent you're most like. Just think about that. The child that you're most like that's in your family, that's who you're going to fight with. So my dad and I were cut from the same cloth, and we fought like crazy. I hated playing by the rules. I wanted to march to my own drumbeat. And we got in such a huge fight that I left home at 15. He said, if you can't live under the rules of this house, you can't live here. Now, he didn't mean that. But I saw it as a ticket out. So I got out of there. I went and lived with some of my girlfriends in their apartment till I got this woman to get me this house for $62.50, yada, yada, yada. But I'm the kind of girl who gets that stuff done. I have so much confidence in myself that I'm going to talk Miss Singleton into renting me a house for $62.50. And the shrimp boats basically pulled up in my backyard and threw their anchor over there. Front door didn't lock. The gas leaked in the oven. But I mean, I was out of the house, and I loved it. I mean, I'm telling you what. To me, it was the greatest thing that happened. My school principal said to me, because I got a car about six weeks later, because I was 15, so I didn't have a driver's license, got a little 68 Rambler of $200. And Mr. Phillips calls me in his office. He always called me in his office. And he said, Kate, what's that Rambler doing over on 2nd Street? You don't live on 2nd Street. I'm like, yes, I do. I said, my dad and I had a big fight. And he paused for a minute, and he looked at me, and he goes, let me tell you something. I'll let this happen. But you start cutting class or failing, you're going back home. Well, that's all I needed. Now, I was the kind of kid who cheated my way through school. I mean, I am telling you, I know very little. I'm very interested in what I'm interested in, but I don't know how to spell. I can read. I have a difficult time comprehending. And I'm telling you, I married into Charlie's family as educators, and they really thought they could teach me. And it was disturbing. They would not let up. You know? 19 teachers at a family reunion, and I would just hide behind the tree. And Charlie, I'd ask him, how do you spell? And he goes, let's sound it out. I'm like, oh, those are fighting words, dude. This is not going to go well. And then he wanted me so badly, he was so smart, he was obsessed with me reading To Kill a Mockingbird. Now, I'm not interested in a bird dying, OK? Apparently, that's not what the book is about, but I don't care. And I mean, it was, we get it. I was in huge fights over it. I'd wake up, and it'd be on my pillow. It's like, get the book out of here. Charlie goes, is this too much to ask? Yes. I don't want to read To Kill a Mockingbird. Somehow, I got through school cheating my entire way. And what is so funny is today, we were talking about, I was taking some sort of medicine that was from some sort of weird bacteria that you had. And I said, you know, it's Malaysia, when you get Malaysia. Julie looked at me, goes, Malaysia? I said, yeah. Yeah, if you get Malaysia. And then I said, she goes, you mean malaria? Yes, that was what I meant. Malaysia's somewhere on the globe, right? I got no idea where it is. I'm telling you. And my son, this was my favorite. He was at the house yesterday, or a couple of days ago. And I said, and he loves history, loves it. Oh, I could just go to sleep, you know. Charlie loved history, too. I was the kid at the museum that just like, oh. Oh. Oh, my god. This place looks like an NFL stadium, and you got to take two steps. Oh, just so not my cup of tea. And I told Sam, I said, you know, Sam, when I graduated, I graduated in 1976. And I said, but something happened that it was a bicentennial year. And they made a really big deal out of it. And it happened in 1776. And I said, so what happened? And I swear to god, he goes, really, mom? But at that table, nobody could tell if it was the Declaration of Independence or the Fourth of July, right? We still don't know. The Constitution. Just wanted to go on the record that nobody at the table could actually say what happened. It was some sort of bicentennial something. So I'm not the only one who doesn't know exactly what was happening. My last one that I did that I loved so much, my daughter lived in Washington state. And I was sitting up there, and we were sitting on the Puget Sound. And I said, I go, god, what is the altitude? I am so tired. She goes, mother, this is sea level. And I said, but there's Mount Rainier. She goes, you got to be on it. OK, it's all coming to me. I knew I'd eventually make sense out of it. My life was falling apart. I had that little girl. I chased a boy into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. He had six years sober. I'd never even heard the term. And I'd met him. He was coming to hear Bob Earle speak in Austin. And I just. I saw him. And I thought, oh, I'm going to marry this man. It was so bizarre. That doesn't. I think that happens to people. But that was very bizarre. And I said, I'm going to marry this man. And we went out and had a blast. And I didn't drink anything, didn't do any outside issues, didn't do anything. And I had so much fun with these guys. And then that night, Bonnie Raitt was playing downtown. And they were, oh, yeah, they were going to go see Bonnie Raitt. I was going to a Halloween party. I was dancing, dressed as Tina Turner, ready to rock and roll. My hero. I had the gold hair. And. And. And everything went wrong. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. And the next day, they said, you want to go to an AA meeting? It was a long night. Let's just put it that way, long night. And I said, sure. And I thought that sounded like a good idea. I had these boys' attention. And they ended up taking me into a meeting, which I thought was a very bad idea when I sobered up. And the truth of the matter is, it was first time ever I'd been in an AA room. And I knew three people in there. That was problematic. And they said, you know, is anybody as anybody new in the whole room does this? I mean, my hair was like gold and bent to the side, you know? But I mean, I chased that boy into the rooms. I absolutely fell in love with the fellowship. Come to find out, I was one of the lucky ones. I thought everybody loved AA on day one. So let me ask this question. Did you love Alcoholics Anonymous on day one? Raise your hand. Look at that. It's like 15 people. I thought it was everybody. See, we're the lucky ones. Because we really loved AA. That's a big deal. There are people that come into Alcoholics Anonymous and don't want to be here. That's really tough. And I don't have any experience there. I loved being one of the lucky ones. But I misunderstood so much about alcoholism. These were the three things I thought. I thought AA was about not drinking. You know, see, I didn't realize alcohol was not the problem. It was the solution to my problem of self-centeredness. And then we were doing codependency counseling in the 80s. How many of y'all got sober in the 80s? Oh, yeah. What color is your parachute? You know, John Bradshaw. Let's do some inner child work. And everybody in AA was doing it. So see, that's the thing that gets dangerous in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you come into a group that is doing something, and that's what you do, you've got to be sure you're doing the right thing. Because you don't know anything, right? You suffer from a fatal illness, and you're just kind of following the path. And so to me, it worked. It worked for me for a long, long time. What color your parachute is, we were all doing counseling. And don't get me wrong. Counseling is a privilege, if you ask me. To go to counseling is a privilege. But don't be lost on what counseling does. It talks about who you're pissed off in column one, dad, what he did in column two, all the things, and then what it affected in column three. And their work there is done. You've got somebody cosigning your bull. And nobody takes it to column four, where were my faults and my mistakes. What did I do to my father? Do you think my dad just woke up one day and said, gosh, Katie just pisses me off all the time? Oh, I was a big, big problem. Big problem. You know, when a kid, when your daughter leaves at 15, how do you think my dad felt every night worried about me? Now, he knew I was tough. But that's pretty scary stuff. It never crossed my mind. Not one time did I think, wow, I bet my dad's worried. I thought more like, yippee-i-yoh, kay-yay, man, let's have some fun. And then I thought church was all about finding God. I'd always lean towards Jesus anyway, right? I mean, that's just my nature, right? We were raised Catholic. We had the little doily on the head. You did all these things about 29 times. And I didn't know much about it. But I thought that that was what it was all about. And here's something tricky. Because I see people do this in recovery, and I did it. I got sober for three years. And then I kind of got burned out on AA. And we were always active. I was in AA. And I got burned out on it. And Joe said, why don't we go to church? And he always had six years more than me. And I thought, mm, no, no. Because I just didn't have a great experience with church. It was nothing bad. It was just boring. And so he said, let's go to church. Well, we go to this non-denominational church. And I don't know if you've ever been to one. But I mean, you walk in, and the music is playing. And you're like, oh my god, let's hold hands and pray. I'm going to get baptized. And I mean, I am all about it. I mean, I swear to god, we look like Amish. I mean, I even started wearing underwear. So L'Arcine, the Al-Anon, always says, I don't know why that's not in y'all's literature. All you alcoholics don't wear underwear. I'm like, well, can't argue that point. But it says, when Carl Jung was talking to Roland Hazard, it's very, very interesting. Because Carl Jung was trying to get Roland Hazard sober. And he'd been with him. Roland Hazard had been with him for a year. He didn't even make it back to the boat when he was in Europe. And he picked up and drank. And Carl Jung says, we're trying to get you to have this vital spiritual experience. And listen to what Roland Hazard says. Upon hearing this, our friend Roland was somewhat relieved. For he reflected that, after all, he was a good church member. This hope was, however, destroyed by the doctor telling him that while his religious convictions were very good, in his case, they did not spell the necessary vital experience. When I read that after doing the church thing, now don't get me wrong. It's along with. Not instead of. That's the problem. We did it instead of, not along with. And then you can't be bringing that stuff into AA. Let's just put a stop to that right now. That's just your world. That's what you enjoy. But that doesn't belong in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. We have to be very, very careful. I get to share it just because I am telling my story. But that's about where we go with it. It says on page 14, for if an alcoholic failed to enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he cannot handle certain trials and low spots. Boy, oh boy, did that start coming true. It was crazy. So Joe and I, after three years of doing church, we were losing our mind. I mean, I wasn't working in an AA program. I didn't even know there was a program to work. I thought you came in, you did the initial stuff, and then you went to meetings. So we ended up going back to AA. We entered into what I call meeting-based sobriety. That word sometimes offends people. Please, I hope it doesn't. Meeting-based sobriety means you're just using meetings to treat your alcoholism. Now, that is a fabulous part of our triangle, but it is not the process of recovery, and that's where everything gets screwed up. And so what you're going into is what I call oral AA. If you've not put a pen to paper in a while, that's dangerous. Now you can rock on and do whatever you want, but I'm here to tell you it's a very dangerous place to be, because what goes on up here is ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly. And I've experienced it all. I have done it all. So what you do is you're feeling so much pressure. You've got to get to a meeting, and you go to the meeting, and you're talking, you're scared to death, and you hear them talking about fear, and you feel relief. I'm not the only person feeling this fear. I get it. And then all of a sudden, but you're not feeling freedom. You're just getting the relief. So you need another meeting by the next day, maybe another one that evening if possible. And that's very difficult, right? That doesn't mean you get rid of meetings, but they were never designed to treat alcoholism. I like to say... In 40 years, I get to be the old-timer, and if I disturb you a little, so be it. They used to disturb the crap out of me, and now I'm one of them, so I get to disturb you. This one guy bugged me. He just loved to poke me, and he was yellow. And I thought, he's sick anyway, sick, sick. I mean, come on. Everybody in this room has somebody in AA that has bugged the crap out of them, right? To disturb you is not all to the bad. It gets you to look at something. And I like to talk about experience, right? Experience and maturity in life. In your 20s, you're bulletproof. In your 30s, you start asking yourself, what am I going to do with my life? Am I going to get a career? Am I going to get married? Am I going to do this? Am I going to buy a house? This happens in that decade. In your 40s, you get a bit cocky, as you should be, and you start looking at your life and judging how you're doing. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. And then in your 50s, well, you're clearly on the back nine, right? You have clearly passed the halfway point. As Charlie used to say, you just hope you're not putting on the 18th hole, right? So you're clearly on the back nine. I do not want to live to be 100. I have already picked about 84 is good for me. So just FYI, if I don't see you between now and then, I had a great time. And so the thing about then your 50s, then your 60s, how many people in this room are 60? Yeah, it's challenging. I love getting older. But God dang, the skin, the hair, the need to sleep, the need to pee. I mean, you're like, what is happening? It's like your body is fighting everything. You know, I used to be able to stand in heels, front end of my foot's killing me now. What? Oh, my God. I mean, it's just different. And I want it all to be easy. I really do. Now, I would never give this up. What I got now, I really get to these places in life where it's like, just doesn't matter. You know, it just doesn't matter anymore. You're going to be in the middle of every fight. So in the best, who said that? Me. Yes, I love it. I mean, that is what it's all about. If it takes me 20 minutes to pee, I don't care because I don't have that anymore. You know what I mean? I mean, oh, Charlie was the best in that area. I'll leave that alone. Okay. I'm sorry. But he would make me laugh so hard. I said, honey, are we going to be leaving anytime soon? He goes, well, whenever. I stopped peeing. And I said, are we almost done? He goes, I can't tell. That's the best part about it. Stop growing old with somebody, I'll tell you. Some great stuff. So spiritual growth comes like maturity in AA. It comes at every three to five years. Let me tell you something. Don't be fooled by this. I sponsor a ton of people. I talk to a ton of people. And this is what happens. If you get a year, congratulations, I'll give you that. But that's not where you're going to find your hardest time. You're going to find your hardest time between 18 months and three years. Because 18 months and three years, you're still working a program based on the abstinence of alcohol. Now, everybody's pissing you off. Everybody. They're giving me stuff to do. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. And that's the nature of it. Then you hit another wall between three and five. And that's tough walls. I'm not saying they're mild walls. And then when you hit double digits, oh, my god, something happens at 10 years where you think you've arrived. And you have. I'm proud of you. I give you all the pat on the back. There's a couple of you that are already so uncomfortable. . I won't stare at you. But at 10 years, it becomes what I call the teenage years, where we become know-it-alls. You can't tell me anything. And at 13 years, I already know it. Yeah, I know it. I know it. And those are some of the toughest years ever. Those are the years where you'll have a road rage. Those are the years where you'll roll your window down and tell somebody to go F their self. You'll be doing some crazy stuff. And then you drive off going, oh, my god, what just happened? . It can be really, really tricky. And I also like to say, usually at double digits, the gifts of sobriety take you away. Right? You start getting a better job, bigger house, and you got to just start pulling away. And you quit doing meetings. And if you relapse, God forbid you relapse, but if you relapse, people say, well, they quit going to meetings. That was the last physical thing we saw you do. You quit doing everything long before that, even if we were doing it. And I wasn't. I wasn't doing anything at 17 years. These teenage years become what I call the know-it-all years. Right? Joe, we're sitting in the middle of coming back to meeting-based sobriety. We're years into it. And Joe gets really sick, my first husband. And I don't know what's wrong with him. And we both had catastrophic insurance. And so my girlfriend at my meeting says, you ought to go drive a school bus. You get instant HMO. Well, I'm the kind of girl who, I get stuff done. I can do that. I can go drive a school bus for two weeks, get Joe's head scanned, and then quit. I think it's some good thinking. If you've got a problem, come to me. I'm a problem solver. I got it. So, well, I did not realize it's 20 hours of training of how to take a pencil out of a kid's eyeball on the bus. I'm a little over my head. And so I get in there, and Joe is just, something's wrong with Joe's head. He's just really behaving weird. I think he's got depression. I can't figure it out. Yada, yada, yada. So I get on that bus. And I tell him, Joe, go make an appointment with the neurologist. And I tell him, Joe, go make an appointment with the neurologist. And I tell him, Joe, go make an appointment with the neurologist. And I tell him, Joe, go make an appointment with the neurologist. Let's get that head scanned. Come on. Come on. Come on. And he tells me a couple of days later, he goes, Katie, it's going to be three months. I was, oh, no. I'm not riding this bus for three months. I have an entirely different fitness career. I am not driving a school bus for three months. So I call my World War II vet doc, Dr. Center, what should we do? He goes, just take him into the emergency room. They'll scan his head in there. OK. So Joe and I go down, and we're going to go have lunch. It wasn't like his arm was cut off. You're going to have lunch. You're going to have lunch. And then we go into the hospital. And I don't do Western medicine well. I never have, still don't today. And I go in there, and the doc is looking at me. And we just take an instant dislike to each other. You know that feeling where you just, I don't like that white coat and the person in it at all. Nothing against doctors, but I just don't do well with it. And he says, so you think there's something wrong with his head? And it was just the tone of voice. I was like, yes, I do. Yes, I do. I think you just need to scan his head. And the doc goes, well, let's just see about that. Now, I had told Joe to fail this test, because I'm a forward thinker. I'm always thinking about how we're going to work an angle. And I said, so Joe, whatever happens, fail this test. So if he says, touch your nose, touch your elbow, let's fail it. Let's get your head in there. I'll scan you, for God's sakes, you know? And so Joe, the guy goes, touch your nose. And Joe's like this. He goes, touch your elbow. And I'm standing behind the doc going, oh my god. And then he asks the doc, the doc says, what's 2 plus 2? And Joe said, you know, I should know that. And he looks at me, and he goes, and I mean, we took an instant dislike to each other. He goes, I'll scan his head. Oh, thank you, deity. And he takes him in there and scans it. He's back in the room 20 minutes. And he's out of the room then, the doc, for about an hour and a half. Now, I don't really think there's anything wrong. But I think he's making me pay for not liking him. And he comes back in the room, and he puts his hand on my shoulder, and he says, my god. He has a brain tumor as big as my fist in his head. And I swear to god, he must have said, my god, and had his hand here three times. And my very first thought was, I'm going to be driving this school bus forever. If you're wondering what self-centeredness looks like, that's it. Now, I didn't say that to Joe. I didn't even realize that was the root of my problem. Until I started waking up. And I thought, oh my god, I remember that thought. I climbed up in Joe's lap. We cried. We didn't leave the hospital for 14 days, 11 or 14 days. I can't remember his surgery was 14 hours. And AA showed up, as AA does. It was really spectacular. But Joe had major brain damage, major. I mean, he could be left alone, but it was tough. Life was getting ready to be tough. And the doc said, the neurology, or the neurosurgeon, said he will never work another day in his life. And we were a two-income family. It was like I swallowed a tennis ball. Now, once again, I'm in complete untreated alcoholism. I don't know that. And I get shit done, OK? No worries. I got this. Now, I drive that school bus for three years. Just have a brief moment of me with your most precious commodity. And I drove a gas bus because I go fast. OK? OK. I didn't want the diesel buses had air conditioning. I do not want air conditioning. I want to get from point A to point B and get off this bus. You got to be at the bus lot at 530 in the morning. Well, I don't really do that either. Well, got to whack the wheels with a piece of wood. And I don't know what you're listening for, but I did. I whacked. OK. I don't know what that was all about. And let me tell you something. I pushed every envelope you could driving that school bus because I'm self-employed. I don't do employment well. I don't do people telling me what to do well. My bus boss loved me. And there was so many times there was a guy. I was in a fairly affluent neighborhood at one point. And there's a guy in a BMW. And you guys know, if the school bus is coming at you, you're going to haul ass past it because it's getting ready to make all its stops, right? And apparently, you're in a hurry. Now, let me tell you, today I respect that bus. There's a bus on my street. I see it. Is it coming? I will wait. So this BMW would haul ass. And he'd come so fast at me that he pissed me off so bad that I decided to, I would just wait for him to come. And he's going about 45 past all these spots. And I'd just kick that door open, that stop sign. And I mean, he'd hit his brakes. And he goes, what is wrong with you? Who's got the power now, brother, huh? You ain't going anywhere until that stop sign comes in. There's not even a bus stop. I mean, it was fabulous, the power that bus had. I mean, oh my god. This one little punk in a pickup truck, he had his sucker, you know, that ball sucker with the stick. And he's driving so fast. And I kicked that stop sign out. Little elementary kids are on the bus. I get out of there, and I am screaming at him in his window. And he's like this. He goes, lady, you don't have to get out of the bus. I go, I damn sure do. So one of my kids' dads was a cop. So I kicked him out. So I kicked him out. I told him about this kid. I said, he's coming 80 miles an hour. And I was probably going 45. And he goes, I'll have a motorcycle cop sitting out there tomorrow. So he come by, and that motorcycle cop has him pulled over. And I told the kids, roll your window down and go, ha, ha, ha. And they all did. They're all hanging out the window. Oh my god, I got 8,000 bus stories. But the one that really was the cream of the crop of the worst thing that happened to me. And keep in mind, this is a gas bus. My kids, there's these two humps, and then you came to a stop, and you had to take a right or left. And I look, and the kids are always like, go fast, Miss Kate. Go fast. No, guys, I'm going to get in trouble. And I look in the mirror, because your life's in that mirror. And I think, well, they're all boys. You can't hurt a boy. And I go, hey, everybody get to the back of the bus. So they all run to the back. My son was in there, too. So I'm going to break my son's neck. And so I said, OK. Get ready. And I gassed that thing. And you know in Armageddon, when they take that thing up on that meteorite? I mean, it was slow motion. And you remember, what was the guy's name? Oh, I just watched it last week. The big black guy, I just love him. Bear, yeah, Bear goes, Bear goes, oh, oh. I swear to god, I'm like going, oh, oh. And we're just, it's all in slow motion. We're just climbing. And I'm thinking, these kids are going, oh, oh, oh. And they're just, and I think, oh my god. And all of a sudden, when my bus came down, they fell like rocks. I mean, just, wha-pam. And I thought, oh god, I've broken necks and collarbones and arms. And what has happened? And you heard this, ch-ch-ch. The air brake. And I thought, what the hell? And the kids are like this. Nobody was hurt. And they're like, what happened? I go, I don't know. And I get out, and I have blown all four valve stems off the back end of that bus. Oh, I am dead in the water. I'm going to lose my job. I got to have this insurance, because Joe is sick. And I get on the radio, and I'm like, yeah, turtle bus to base. Turtle bus to base. And base goes, yeah, turtle bus, what's going on? I said, Billy, you know, I don't know what happened, man. I just blew all four valve stems off the back end of my bus. And the big boss man had a radio on his hip, and he goes, what? And he was such a good man. And I said, yes, sir. I do not know what happened. They just blew off. And they're like, we'll be there in 15 minutes. And I mean, all the kids, my son included, they all scattered. You know, they're gone. And I'm just, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. And my big boss man comes, and he looks at the bus, and he looks up the hill, and looks at the bus. He goes, you don't know what happened? And I mean to tell you, you say you don't lie. Yes, you do. OK, you do lie when you get scared enough. And I said, no, sir, I don't. And he goes, OK. Billy, take her back to the yard. And we never spoke another word of it. It took me 15 years to find that man. He no longer worked at the bus yard. To find him, his last name was very difficult to spell, 19 different ways to spell it. And I finally was able to call him and make that amends. Took me 15 years. That's wrong, just wrong. And he laughed uncontrollably at first. Well, at first he said, why? Why are you calling me? Because I got his phone number by saying, I told the bus yard, I said, look, it's Thanksgiving. I wanted to call him and tell him how thankful I was for him, because nobody was going to give me his number. And the guy goes, well, let me call him and tell him, and see if he'll call you. And sure enough, he called me. He goes, so why are you calling me? And I said, well, so and so, I don't even want to say his name, because I put him in so much jeopardy. Right? He let me keep that job. And he knew, and he laughed. And he said, oh, Katie, he goes, I knew. I knew what happened. And I knew you knew what happened. But I knew you needed this job because of Joe. And he said, and you're a good woman. And I knew you would never do anything that would harm those children. And we had a 15-minute talk that was spectacular, guys, spectacular. And I couldn't believe I waited 15 years for that. Didn't have to be that long. And the whole time, I could have gone in there two weeks later, and he would have been OK with it. That's the important part of this story, is don't underestimate the fear of not going back will be so challenging. And as it turns out, I drove that bus for another three years. Joe got sick. Joe was sick, sick, sick. And unbeknownst to me, guys, this is what happened. He had to do some interferon. But I don't want to blame interferon. I want to blame untreated alcoholism. We were not treating our alcoholism. And he went back out after 23 years and died of a heroin overdose. That fentanyl was coming in back in the late 90s, yeah, come to find out. The police officers were telling me later on, and I was devastated. I could not believe Joe was gone. We were 20 years together. He was a good man. And to watch him go down the tube so fast, I learned so much about untreated alcoholism and all the problems we had. And then Charlie has been my best friend for 20 years. I'm in a fit of crazy. I lean over to kiss my best friend like my brother. I mean, to tell you, at one point, he goes, whoa, what are you doing? And I go, I don't know. I'm lost. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. I've lost my mind. I'm in my 40s. I'm single. I'm flipping out. And he goes, well, I'm not blowing a 20-year best friendship, because you've lost your mind. So now I'm rejected, which is never good. And I thought, so you run after everything in AA, but not me. So I'm heading for the door. And needless to say, I didn't make it to the door. And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Second thoughts. And at that point, I can't even begin to tell you how weird it was. It was like kissing your brother. We banged teeth. Oh, it was so bizarre. And then he lays down to lay me down. And I'm solid as a rock. And he drops me and knocks the wind out of me. I mean, any of y'all know these experiences where you're like going, this is so wrong, but we're doing it. So wrong. Oh, well, needless to say, we got past that. And here's what happened. Charlie, bear with me. It's getting to the meat. Charlie is, and let me tell you something. If you're uncomfortable, that is to the good. It's worth looking at, guys. It really is worth looking at. Because untreated alcoholism is all over us at different times in our sobriety. Let me tell you, I went through some dark stuff not very long ago at all. Very, very dark stuff. And I got really scared because it was kind of surprising me. I could not pull myself out of it. And I had all the excuses, right? Lost my husband, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But what ended up happening is Charlie had his plane crash. I'd lost Joe. Charlie had his plane crash. And he ends up, one of our buddies relapsed on Vicodin and ended up running into Chris R. in South Texas. And he's on fire, this guy. We all grew up with this guy that had Chris R.. And the next thing you know, Charlie wants to go see this Mark H. guy. And let me tell you, if it hadn't been for Charlie, we'd go see Mark H.. And Mark H. was an amazing man, but he didn't touch me for the entire weekend, right? Nothing he said resonated at all. That's how big of a wall I got. See, I've already done the codependency inner child work. You don't know what's going on. I've already taken care of all this. I already know what it is. And see, that's the problem, is we will stand in our own way of recovery. And that's where it gets challenging. You think you know it all. I know I know it all. And that's a dangerous place. But Charlie was strong. He was strong. He was so on fire with Mark H. that he would not let me. He drugged me everywhere. Everywhere. He's dragging me. I'm kicking and screaming. I don't want any of this. Mark says, here's the evening review sheet. I'd never done one in my life. I'm 17 years sober. I don't know about you guys, but that just wasn't touching me. Somebody said evening review. I'm like, I don't even know that that's in the book. What is it? And then on awakening, and I took the 10th step off the wall. It was damage control. You know, if I pissed you off, I knew it to go say I'm sorry. I mean, this is the way this whole deal was working. And Charlie did the evening review. And I called him a big suck up, right? You're just sucking up to Mark because you just want him to like you. Oh, Charlie and I were the ying and the ying, man. It was a dicey relationship. And I loved it. I love somebody that gives me pushback. Just don't be a sap. Give me some pushback. And Mark H., I mean, Mark didn't ever wake me up for probably maybe two years before he passed. Then he started saying some stuff. And then I got a hold of his 10 and 11 well into sobriety. And it completely changed my life. So I know these CDs really do a lot for you guys. But that third step was what I call the second surrender. See, how do you know what you don't know? And if you're out here and your head is going 110 miles an hour, it's only because your ego is trying to tell you, you already know this. You're already there. You're not that bad. You're not that bad off. This illness is constantly, constantly trying to take you down. And the third step, it says, the first requirement is that I've got to be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. I'm not. I like self-reliance. I do. Anybody in the room like it? Oh, thank you. That was a hand I could read. Right here, baby. Need to get something done, I'm it. Tap me in. I mean, I really, I think I had a former life in the NFL. Tap me in. I'm coming in. Coming in hot. And I'm the kind of person who's got eyes everywhere. Oh, I see. Oh, they're having a fight. OK. Oh, something's happening over there. I mean, I am the kind of girl who has heightened awareness in life. I just like to be in the middle of everything. And so what I didn't realize is I'm not even, I don't even have the first requirement. My life looked great, but I was so wrapped, so tight. I made more amends in untreated alcoholism than I ever made in active alcoholism. I caused so much heartache. I was like the Ray Donovan of the world, where they tapped me in. Who do you need me to take out? You? OK. You? And you. And then everybody goes, thank you so much. We didn't really care for them. I know. And those people, I never gave a second thought to their life. Never a second thought. I mean, I always like to say, it says that first requirement, even though my motive is good, how about my motive is right? Right? Well, we know the two that I use. You know, holding the door open, you need to, whatever. Whoever made that gender difference, I'm holding the door because it's courtesy. Are you with me on that? I swear to God, this chick goes, I don't need the door held. I go, fine. Jesus. When did that happen? When did all of this no eye contact happen? Don't miss that, guys. You can be a big part of that changing, right? In the rooms of alcoholics, we need to be able to look somebody in the eye. We need to be able to know somebody if they're not doing well, right? Pay attention to that. A lot of this stuff is just common courtesy. But the killer is selfish and self-centered. That, we think, the first 100 that wrote the book, is the root of my troubles. Not drinking, right? I'm driven. And so I'm not choosing to act this way. So if you're sitting in your skin and it's crawling all over you, you're not choosing to be that way. You are driven by 100 forms of fear, self-delusion, and self-seeking. We step on the toes of our fellows. They retaliate, seeming without provocation. But we invariably, which means always fine, that we made a decision based on me that caused that. So see, if you come to somebody and said, oh my god, my boss is just, he bugs the crap out of me. He just embarrassed me at the meeting this morning. Really? So this guy just doesn't like you. So let's talk about this. Come to find out you did three or four things to personally insult him before that meeting. And he finally took it out on you. See, this inventory process, we can't ever. Rarely do I have forgiveness. Rarely. It's typically where I've made these decisions. Some people say, would you rather be right or happy? When I had a problem in untreated alcoholism, oh, I'll kill both of us, OK? I would rather be right. If you really want the true answer, I could care less about happiness. I want to be right. And if happiness follows, so be it. You know, that's just the way we look at it. Sometimes I think we want to work the promises and hope the step comes true. See, if you're just trying to think yourself into right action, that will work from time to time. But it will not do what it needs to do. These bedevilments, we're going to go for about another seven minutes, I swear to God. I'm going to cut it off at one hour. These bedevilments are on page 52. So I ask you to ask yourself, do any of these fit? We were having trouble with personal relationships. That's the neighbor. The person at work. Significant other. Fair enough. We couldn't control our emotional nature. Have you ever been at the counter where you just lose your mind and you walk out and you're like, wow. Did I just scream at that person? You know, you talk, I swear to God, you talk to India enough times, you're not going to handle that well. You know? Sir, please stop repeating what I just said. I'm trying to be as nice as I can, but I'm getting really angry, really angry. We were prey to misery and depression. That's a tough one. We couldn't make a real living. We had a feeling of uselessness. We were full of fear. We were unhappy. We couldn't seem to be of real help to others. That is available in recovery. In sobriety, that is. I had three anxiety attacks in sobriety before I was 20 years sober. And I'd never had one before in my life. I had no idea that was untreated alcoholism. I just thought you'd be having trouble too if you had a sick husband. I blamed everything on that. Book. It talks about a self-imposed crisis you can't postpone or evade. Either God's everything or he's nothing, right? Avoid, then, the deliberate manufacture of misery. Either God is or he isn't. See, both of these, this is a dilemma because they both suck, right? When somebody says, have you prayed? Oh, shut up. Really? You think that's my go-to to pray? I'm so angry. That is the worst. Suggestion you could give one of us. Sit me down and talk to me. Walk the dog backwards to where I can see where I've made this decision. But please don't tell me to pray. Please don't tell me, would you rather me be right or happy? It says, now listen to some of these. I think they're threats. The world and its people really do dominate us. In that state, the wrongdoings of others have the power to kill. Just kill you. Why should I worry? See, here's the tricky part of alcoholism. It's a slow death, very slow death. Rarely is it the quick one. As a matter of fact, that one breaks my heart when I see that happen. But I've been around AA long enough to watch. I bet you I have lost 50 friends in AA. They've either died, gone back out. They have died an early death. It's really, really heartbreaking. Talks about us being the victim of the delusion that we can rest satisfaction and happiness if we just manage well. See, that's the whole thing. It's about managing. And to understand that I am in this untreated alcoholism and how do I get out of it is overwhelming. I'm always available to help anybody get out of untreated alcoholism. Call me and do a 10th step with me. Let me walk the dog backwards and you'll start to peek into this vision of what this looks like. Now, I'm not saying everybody in the room is here, but you go through these about every, I'd say five to seven years. You hit walls. It's the nature of growth. You hit these walls. And you can't figure out what is wrong. It's just gotten stale. And it will continue to happen, but they don't last as long. I like to say, too, people usually associate victory with success, not falling and stumbling. See, actually, falling and stumbling is a great thing to happen because you're willing to look at this from an entirely different angle. The mind is like water. When it's turbulent, it's hard to see. But when it's calm, everything becomes clear. See, you can't just calm me down. By saying, Katie, just take a few deep breaths. You've got to get me right back into where I made those decisions. And you walk me backwards, and I start to see where I have upset these people. And you're giving it to me from an entirely different angle. Life becomes so good. The terms of the deal are, he provided, let's see if we do this one, Chad. He provided what we needed. I'm so out of speaking that my one liners are just, they just fall right. I'm like, I called Chad, I go. Walk me through this, Chad. I'm not getting it. So he provided what we needed. If we keep close to him and perform his work well, one of the greatest promises of the book. Well, in order to keep close to him, I got to get close to him. In order to get close to him, I got to get unblocked. If you're blocked from the sunlight of the spirit with resentment, those are the two things we have, resentment and fear, right? This younger generation, you're making me crazy. Let me first get that out. OK, you're making me crazy. Why? Because you've got a label for everything. It's resentment or fear. It's not social anxiety. You know, it's resentment and fear. Don't get away from our literature. Otherwise, you're going to be in counseling for the rest of your life, and you're not going to get free. And remember, counseling is a privilege. But understand, you must take it to the fourth column. We suffer from two things that will block us. We don't get to be resentful. And I would do anything to tell you a story what happened after Charlie died. It's a story of hate in my heart towards a complete stranger. And I can't do it, because legally, I can't do it. If you come over here, I can. So what I didn't know, but I was shocked, because I was deeply blocked. It was terrible, terrible, terrible. And what it got to was forgiveness. And I don't do that well. So see, I was living in this bungalow, and I had no idea. I didn't know that God had this unbelievable palace for me. My relationship with my Creator is spectacular. The undeniable voice of God. I figured out how to communicate and hear the undeniable voice of God every day. And I can teach that to you if you're interested, because I've taught people that have called me back crying, saying I had no idea. And I said, he uses me as a vessel, man. That's all I can say. He uses me as a vessel. I can help you through this. I want to end this talk. I'm at 58 minutes, by the way. I did under 60, just FYI. My husband was a big old guy. And he was absolutely crazy about me. I miss him terribly. But he used to write me love letters. He loved to write cards and love letters. And he'd just leave them all over the place for me. And he always wrote them on this work stationery. So I want to end with this, because I know a lot of you guys are missing Charlie. It says, my dearest Katie, on our 13th wedding anniversary, I want to tell you how much I love you, and how much you mean to me. You are the rock of my life, and I'm so grateful for you. Our family depends upon you for so much strength, guidance, and support. We would be lost without you, even though I'm sure that sometimes it feels like you meet resistance on your advice. Yeah. I only want to give brief mention to what a wonderful caregiver you were. Next spring will be 20 years that we have been a couple. You are the light of my life, and these years have been the happiest and most fulfilling years of my life. I am so proud. I'm proud to be your husband. My love, always, Charlie. Thank you. It's been an honor and a privilege. Thank you so much, Katie.