Acting Your Way Into Right Thinking — Steven W.

I'd like to now introduce our guest speaker for the month of October, Tattoo Steven from Monroe. My name's Steven W. Kays and I'm a recovered alcoholic. But for those, you can just call me Tattoo Steven You'll get to know why in a little while I was called what I used to be like What happened and what I'm like now So for a little bit of background I'm the oldest of three children I come from a white middle class family Nobody else in my family happens to suffer from alcoholism They have no big problems like I have in life They're all pretty normal people I'll tell you this about my story before I get into it Nobody has ever held me down and poured anything down my throat, nor did they ever put a gun to my back to make me do anything. I was a willing participant in anything I ever did, and I earned my seat in Alcoholics Anonymous all by myself. I was actually, you won't believe this, I was born in England in 1964, but I grew up in Roselle in Union County, and I have quite varied interests in life, to be really honest. You wouldn't figure for a guy born in English, but we'll learn about that later on, too. To look at me today, you wouldn't know it, but I'm the product of 12 years of a Catholic education. I've been an Eagle Scout, altar boy, honor student, you know what I mean? I've attended really good schools and everything else. I was a really smart little kid, but my life went right from the pages of Boys Life magazine to Easy Rider. and there was a group of guys that used to hang out around the corner from my house and I would go to the store for my mother and they all had motorcycles and they used to be outside drinking beer and doing other things and I'd stand across the street and look at them and I'll be like, when I grow up, that's what I want to do in life. Those guys really know how to live and my parents would talk to me about being all kinds of things doctor, lawyer, president And I'd stand there and be like, oh yeah, that's what I want to do. In the back of my head, all I ever wanted to do was ride a motorcycle and get in trouble. And I got to do that thanks to alcohol and my desire to do some of these things. At the age of eight, I was diagnosed with insulin-dependent diabetes. I've always been a skinny little kid. I was small. I was really smart, you know. I was like underweight, but here's the thing about it. I'm a really small little kid, but I got a really smart mouth. and I would cut you down with my mouth and you would proceed to beat on me with your fists and people found this entertaining and I learned how to take a beating as a young kid because I was always running my mouth, you know. And like I said, I had a pretty good life growing up, you know, I can't really complain about anything and I decided, I was going to go to a different parochial school a few towns away because like I wanted to start all over, you know because everybody considered me like a book head, Like a nerdy guy and stuff like that And I figured if I went A little bit further away I could start all over And I got on the school bus And I started There were guys smoking cigarettes That was the crowd I always wanted to be in All I've ever wanted to do is be cool That was one thing I always want to do in life Was cool I got drunk for the first time At 14 years old I'll never forget it Me and a friend of mine We got three quarts of Budweiser beer. My parents had gone to a wedding. My buddy was a little bit taller than me, weighed a little bit more than me. He looked a little older than I did. And he went into the liquor store with his brother's black leather jacket. He got the three quartz of beer and brought it back to my house. I will never ever forget this. I opened up that quart of Budweisers beer and I started it burned. It didn't taste real good but I took a really big swallow and I tried to take as many as I could because all I wanted to be was like those guys around the corner. I knew that, like, if I got loaded, I would be all right. And if you don't think I'm an alcoholic, here's what happens the first night I drink. I get bigger. Everybody else gets smaller. I'm not afraid to say one thing that, like, a living soul and I threw up. I cannot recall everything that happened and the next morning my buddy's like, you know, there's a couple of guys looking to beat the car out of you. I was like, hey, that was a lot of fun. You want to do that again tonight? You know, and my story is like a lot of other people's. You know what I mean? Steal my father's beer when I could or we get it for, you know, we pay somebody to buy it for us on the weekends and everything else. The thing about me was, like, I like to be drunk because, like... I could take a beating. You know What I mean ? I wasn't afraid to say or do anything that, like popped into my head and it made me feel like I was somebody, you Know ? I got instant courage really from drinking. I'll tell you this before I go any further. I'm not here to tell anybody by any stretch of the imagination that I am a tough individual. I have probably had more fists put to me than I ever laid to anybody else under the influence of alcohol. If you're a little guy and you're drinking and you start running your mouth, most big guys usually lay you out before you get the last couple of words out of your mouth. But I would always get back up. That was one thing I enjoyed about it. Like, that's one thing alcohol allowed me to do. And in high school, I didn't even have to try. I did pretty well, you know. But I'll tell you about my father. My father is 6'5". My father's a big guy. And I kind of resented the fact that he was big and I was so small. But he used to ask me what I thought I was doing with my life. And I would look at my father and I would think, like, what are you doing? You don't have any tattoos. You don'T have a motorcycle. You're not cool. Like, what do you know about living? My mother and father went to work every day. They provided a roof and food for me and my brother and sister. They did the absolute best they could, but I thought my father was square because I come to find out what he did was a hell of a lot harder than anything I've ever did in my life. But like I said, all I wanted to be was cool. I got into the typical trouble as a kid, you know what I mean? Drinking, fighting, you now. I enjoyed it. To be really honest, like I looked up to these guys and I started hanging around in the tattoo shop at 15 years old. It was in Raleway, New Jersey. And I thought that these guys in this place, they knew everything there was to know about living. These are the type of people I aspired to be like, you know what I mean? They had all the answers and I thought they had some really good plans too. and shows you where my head's at. But those are the people like I really idolize, you know? This is something about when I started drinking. I never aspired to be anything great, to be really honest. Like, I never aspire to be president in the United States or anything like that. I aspire to being like a lowlife, to be real honest. Like, that's what I set my sights on being and I figured I could be pretty good. But, like, I didn't want to be good anymore. I figured I'd be good at being bad, you know. And I got in some trouble as a juvenile for different things. And the thing I knew about it was, like my father would always come and get me. You know what I mean? Like my parents would always call me and get out eventually, you know what I mean, when they called my folks or if I told them who my father was and so many other people, you know what I mean. Eventually I'd get let go and things like that. And I graduated from high school in 1982 And I don't know really what I want to do with my life Like, you know, my parents want me to go to college And I agreed to go, right? The first time I went to college I went for three days And me and a friend of mine We were going to go We were gonna go to the local community college And we were drinking on the way to school And I was like, you now what? Let's not go today You know what I mean? We'll just go get some more beer and stuff And we'll just hang out And my parents were away, and I called them up, and I was like, listen, college really isn't for me. I really don't want to do that. I had a job, and I was making money, and that's what I really wanted to do. I wanted to work and be a man. So my parents didn't say much, and I did that for about a year, and I decided I would give college one more try. And I enrolled in Upsala College over in East Orange. I actually attended Uppsala College for three semesters. I was going to study psychology and social work. I wanted to be a counselor for juvenile delinquents. The only thing I knew about juvenile delinquency was, like, how to get in trouble. I had no idea how to stay out of trouble. But, like this is my plan. I figured if I studied this stuff, I had some practical experience to share, you know what I mean? And somebody might listen to me. And I got tired of going to school and I quit that too. And I was living with my parents and I got a job in construction and my father was like, as long as you live under my roof, you'll have to work. And I had always understood that. Here's one other thing I'm going to tell you about my story before I get into it. Some of the people that I associated with and I met, they lived a life 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They had nowhere to go and nothing to do when things went bad. I always had a place to go. I am my mother's firstborn. I am the oldest son. I'm her favorite, you know. And my mother would patch me up, put Band-Aids on my little wounds, and I could rest up for a few days and go back and try it again. And like that was the big thing about it. Like nobody enabled me, you Know what I mean? That's just my parents cared about me and I always Had a place To Go. And after I quit college, again, like I said, I'm working in construction. And my father comes home one day, and he had an application, and it was for public service electric and gas. And this is 1985. My father worked there for 35 years. I believe my father worked for PSE&G. My grandfather had worked there until the day he died. And when I got hired there in 1985, we considered the job like cradle to grave. It was a union job and you really had to screw up to get fired. I was almost let go in 1994 due to my use and abuse of alcohol and a few other things. But we're in 1985 right now. And my father's like, fill this out. And he's like I'm going to take this in for you. He's like this is your one shot. And I'm like, he's Like you better, you know, you better take care of this. And I got hired there, and now I'm 20 years old, and I'm making really good money. I got a good job. Public service paid pretty well. I give my mother – all I ever paid my mother was $80 a week. No matter how much money I made, I paid my mom $80. There was always food in the refrigerator, clean sheets, you know what I mean? Life was pretty good. And so now I get a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. I get fully sleeved. Like, I got everything I want in life. And I even got a place to crash, you know. I always got a space to go to. I never have to worry about being, like, homeless. And I thought this was the greatest thing in the world. I make a lot. Like I said, I'm making pretty good money. And I'm getting all the things I think I want in life, you now. Trucks and I got my bike. And, like... The whole nine yards. It wasn't a thing I... Like, if I wanted it, I couldn't get it. You know what I mean? And life was pretty good. and the thing about it is I worked rotating shift work I used to go to work one week at 11 o'clock at night the next week I'd go at 3 o' clock in the afternoon and the following week I'd be working at like 7 o' lock in the morning and I loved to drink that was the biggest thing about when I got hired to be considered in where I worked you had to drink you had been one of the guys and I heard the stories growing up and going to functions, picnics with my father and stuff like that. And so I thought this would be a great job. And the thing about it is I drink around the clock and I don't even realize it back then. I would get off of work at 7 o'clock in the morning and I consider it to be the evening for me and I'm hanging out in places looking at people like look how sad they are. They're shaking. They've got to be in here to get a drink and I've got a drink and I knock them back with them guys and I become friendly with quite a few of them you know what I mean? And like this is really, this is what I aspire to do with my life, you know. And I get, I start, the other thing is I start getting arrested at like 18 years old for stupid things. Drunk and disorderly and, you now, fighting and other like, other public disturbances, you know what I mean? I've always been like a nuisance. You can ask my wife. She's sitting out here tonight. I'm a nuissance to a lot of people. But I was a real nuisance under the influence. And in 1990, I get into a little bit of trouble. I had, you know, my life revolved around motorcycles, go-go joints, tattoo parlors, you name it. Like we'll consider it like the lower echelon of society. That's like where I chose to hang out. And I was, I figured I was high class in the lower echelon. So like I was doing good, you now. And I get a DWI in January of 1990, and that really didn't concern me too much, you know, because if you're going to drink and drive like I did, eventually you're gonna get caught. It's really not a big concern to me, so I don't worry too much about that one. I'll tell you quickly about the accident. It happened on McCarter Highway in Newark at like 2 o'clock in the morning, And I actually got broadsided by somebody. Everybody but myself got to go home that night. For some reason, I decided to explain my views on the law to the local constabulary. And my buddy, who was in worse shape than I was, he got to drive home a totaled truck. My truck was actually totaled. He got to get behind the wheel and drive it home and I got to spend the night in the Green Street Jail. But things like that didn't really bother me. I tried to get some sleep, but you know, people are making a racket. I'm like, can you just quiet down? You know what I mean? We're all going to be here for a while. So like, why don't we just like try to get Some Sleep, you know? And the door opens in the morning. Do I say to myself, you Know What? That drinking, that's doing something to me. You know What I Mean? No, here's what I figured. I was like, maybe I won't drive for a little while. You Know What I Means? Because I wasn't going to have a car, you Now. So I was like, and I went right back to drinking that evening, you know what I mean? Forgetting that my brother had to come because our friend called my brother to tell him where I was and he better go look for me because I could really get lost in the system after some of the things I was saying that evening on the Carter Highway. And my brother come and got me and he's got this look on his face like, what's wrong with you? I'm like, nothing, let me just go home and go to sleep for a while. I'll be all right tonight, you now. And that didn't scare me. I don't scare very easily when it comes to drinking, because in April of 1990, I get another DWI. I hadn't gone to trial for the first one. And I'm up in Sussex County from Roselle, and in a blackout, I'm punching a guy's window at a red light. I got out of my truck, and I'm asking the guy to get out of his car, and i'm beating on his window. And he drove off, and he gave a description of this little guy with a big truck, you know what I mean? Like swerving. I don't think I was that hard to find. And the cops got me trying to get on to Route 80, and I was like, well, you got me. And I explained to them that I had diabetes, and I really didn't wish to participate in any of the things that they wanted to do to me. And they were like, Well, that's all right. We'll take you to the hospital. And they drew blood, and my blood alcohol level at the time was like .35. And the nurse comes in to tell me that, like, probably I should be dead, right? And I'm like, I don't think you really understand. I'm a little guy. I can drink a lot. I was always proud of that. Due to some other substances, I was able to hold a lot of liquor, you know. And, like I was very proud of it. I was also always very proud at that. Like some of the big guys I hung around with, I could stand up with them until almost the end. I was still usually the first one to fall down because they outweighed me by a good 150 to 200 pounds. But I hung in there as long as I could. And the police, they had to get my father because it's like 3 o'clock in the morning. And anybody that I had known, I'll tell you real quick this story. I tried to get My Buddy to go with me. And I said, hey Billy, come on, I'm going to go see this girl I know. She works up here. And he's like, listen, I really don't want to go anywhere with you. He's like I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen. He's Like You're Gonna Get Drunk. You're gonna start a fight and I'm Gonna Have To Pull Some People Off Of You. He's like, that doesn't sound like a hell of a lot of fun to me. But he's like if you're going to go, go have a good time. And everybody that I knew, nobody would come and get me. So they call my parents and my father comes to get me and they gave the tickets that I had received to my father, I come to find out. Because I get up in the morning and there's a stack of tickets on my dresser and my mother's crying and my Father, to be really honest he probably wished he could have snapped me in half quite a few times but my mother would never let him do that to me, to be really honest. And my mom's crying and my father's like, what's going on? And we have an employee assistance program where I work and a gentleman had come like a couple of weeks prior to me getting arrested and he gave that rousing pep talk about what he used to be like, what happened and what he was like and I was like, oh God. I was breaking the guy's chops from the audience, you know? And now I'm like, maybe I better go talk to that guy because public service is going to fire me. My biggest concern in all this was that, like, I would lose my job. If I lost my driver's license for two years, I Would Lose My Job. So I went to see the Employee Assistance Program, and they got me into a facility in April of 1990. Now, I'll tell you this, I didn't go for any of the right reasons. My life was not that bad at that time, you know what I mean? I had a few DWIs and some things like that, But, like, I didn't think my life was really all that unmanageable or anything else. And when I walked into the place, pardon me, they handed me a stack of books, right? And I was like, I hope you people don't think I'm doing any homework while I'm here. And they're like, take the books and go to your room, you know. And I got out of there in 30 days. And, you Know, my job was very cooperative because, like it was my first time. And I didn't do anything for any of the right reasons You know, all those things they suggest you don't do I met a young woman in this place And her and I got romantically involved Shall we say And I really wasn't interested In staying sober for any or the right reason I just figured like I gotta get people off my back You know And me and this young lady lived together For like 90 days And she came home one day And she's like, you're a psychopath I'm like, well you kind of knew that before you moved in here so please don't let the door hit you in the rear end on the way out. But what I did that night was, I went to AA and I started to cry, because how could somebody do this to me? I'm a great guy, just look at me. I'm real catch, you know what I mean? I got a good job. I'll be getting my license back in a little while. I can't believe anybody would leave me, right? And a guy offered to help me that night and he said I would sponsor you and this and that. I'm like, all right, I'll do this wholeheartedly for a little While, right. And I did. I gave Alcoholics Anonymous, I gave it a shot, you know, like I did what was suggested. And I didn't pick up a drink or anything else for almost two years. And during those two years, I did pretty well for myself. I thought I did really well for my life. I did very well for oneself. I got my license back because it only got taken for seven months. I had been involved in a little motorcycle accident in 1989, and I collected the settlement from that accident. So I put together a show bike. Like, now I got a really nice ride. You know what I mean? It's all chrome with big handlebars, the whole nine yards. I'm the king, you know? And like, I'm doing pretty good for myself. And I make a decision one day that, you know what? Alcoholics Anonymous really isn't for me. Like, I don't want to do it. I'm cooler than most of the people in AA, you know? Like, that I really just can't relate to them. And I called up the guy that was my sponsor at the time, and I was like, hey, Danny, listen. I'm like, I know you've been sober like 11 years and you take this AA stuff pretty serious. I'm, like, I just want you to listen to me really quick. I'm ,like, those people whine, they cry, they complain. If they have a problem with something, they should tell me what the problem is and I'll take the gavel and whack somebody with it. You know? I'll whack them with it and I'm going to do it. And I'll fix their problems for them. He's, like... I don't think you're, like.. Really getting this, right? I'm,, like.. No, I don' t think you get it. I'm., like.. I'm leaving AA. I'm,. like.. I'll be dead. I'll be dead before you'll see me in another Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I'm never darkening the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous again. And he was like, well, let me tell you something. You'll get all your misery back plus some, right? I'm like, yeah, yeah. I guess you don't listen. I can handle what happens to me when I drink. You know what I mean? I'm a man. I'll, I'll do it. I'll feel alright. And I started drinking again and I had a head full of knowledge. You Know What I Mean? I could recite from coming day I know how it works from memory from like 1990 and I had a whole head full of knowledge because I actually read the big book that time around too but I read it like a school book you know what I mean and I memorized stuff that I could use to my advantage or if somebody tried to sell me a bill of goods I figured I could argue back with them and the first night I go out drinking nothing bad happens you know like they talk about like the progression so I'm like I'm doing alright you know things will be alright And I decided to get involved with a group of people that, like most people don't aspire to be a member of these organizations that I aspired to become a member of. But I was well on my way. I was going to get a start. This is all I had ever wanted to do since I was a kid. And I was gonna get my shot. I wanted to be big time. And I go to Bike Week in Daytona Beach in 1992. I have quite a few souvenirs from there. I got a speeding ticket for $178, you know. And I was lucky I didn't get a DWI. But this is just the start of it, you now. My drinking is progressing. And I start hanging around. A buddy of mine knew some guys and I start hangin' around. And about three months into drinking, I'm in a place on Route 10. And I get into an altercation. and I take a buck knife and I try to cut a guy's throat. And it didn't seem like that big a deal to me at the time, you know, like the police were called, somebody got the knife, like here's the whippany cops in the parking lot, I'm trying to get in my truck and they read me the riot act, right? And they took me over to the hospital and I was restrained because the doctor asked me what had gone on and I said, well, listen, doc, there's a line and if you cross it, I'll try to lay you out too. He's like, that's it, tie that guy down and leave him there and I woke up the next morning and my father and my sister come to get me again and the thing about it was I'd been living on my own so I really didn't have to answer to anybody and I didn't offer any explanations on the ride home I was like, hey dad, where's my truck and, like, what do I got to do, you know? And I go home and I don't... Again, I don' t say to myself, You know what? That drinking, that's giving me a lot of problems. You know, like drinking is not my problem, you kno? I got quite a temper for a little guy, I think. You know What I mean? But you really shouldn' t bother me. The reason I get in so much trouble is because people like to pick on me. The honest truth of it is I like to run my mouth when I'm drinking and I've gotten myself into more altercations than somebody else picking on me. And the people I was hanging around with, though, you needed a green sheet to be involved with them. For those that don't know, a green seat's like felony convictions. You know what I mean? I had a bunch of misdemeanor arrests. Now I got some good things. I got aggravated assault, possession of a weapon, and a few other charges on top of a DWI and everything else. And it doesn't really faze me that any of these things are going on, you know? and I continue to drink and do other things you know and hang around and I did this for almost two years you know I had like two good years here's what happens I had to go my license gets taken that's no big deal I could drive without a driver's license that piece of paper is really inconsequential the only people that ever wanted to see that was public service you know what I mean I showed them a fake license this is my best thinking when I'm drinking I actually had a I just showed him my driver's license which wasn't worth the paper it was written on and I gotta call my mother up I gotta go I gotta move home you know because like things are getting bad I was gonna get evicted from where I lived and I'm like hey ma I need a place to live can I come home and my mother let me come home my father looked at me like I don't know I guess I kind of looked like the devil to be really honest And he was none too happy with, like, my shenanigans because they didn't know these things at the time. I had been offered pretrial intervention. All I had to do to keep a clean record was do the things they told me to do. And I couldn't stop for 72 hours before going to probation to urinate in the cup. And I would give them – I would laugh. You know what I mean? It was – that's just like I knew there was no way. But I was that arrogant that I would show up. Like, I wouldn't even try to avoid it. And I violated that. They tried to put me on probation. I just didn't show up for that. And I have several warrants out for my arrest. And I'm like, eh, that's no big deal. I was thinking I'd be a fugitive, you know? Like, a fugative is a cool thing to be, I always figured. You know what I mean? Life on the run, I'd do it. I'd feel all right, you now. I could handle that. And actually, the Morris County Sheriff's Department one day contacted public service. They were like, would you happen to know where Steven is? And the gentleman had answered the phone. He had known my grandfather. And he was like, yes, I do. And he's like, I'll have him. He'll be there tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock to turn himself in. And I went to the Morris Country Police Department. I turned myself in, and I went out drinking that afternoon. Like, I didn't think anything about it, you know what I mean? And they rescheduled me to go to court, and it was going to be a little while. And I'm living with my folks, so, like, things aren't that bad, you know? Like, I'll be all right. And here's what happens. As I start to come, like to the end, like I told you, I've been insulin dependent since I was a little kid. And I live at home now. My parents have gone on a trip. And in the back of my head, I know where I'm going. When all is said and done, I know what's waiting at the end of the road. I refer to it now as the Gray Bar Hotel. And under the influence, I figured I would be all right in a Gray Bar hotel. I knew people that resided in a Grey Bar hotel, and I figured they would help me out when I got there and I could handle it. But all this is while I'm drinking. I only think these thoughts when I'm drinking. When I don't have any alcohol in my system, I'm scared to death, you know, like what's going to happen to me. And I'm bewildered, I'm fearful, all those things that the four horsemen they described. And I just keep going. I keep drinking the quiet, the noise in my head, you now. And I get picked up one night trying to get to work. I get arrested for driving on a revoked list. For some reason, the officer that pulled me over did not run my name for like wants and warrants. And I got to walk away. I walked home to Roselle. I called up my job. I'm like, listen, I really don't feel well. And they know I've got diabetes. I'm, like, I won't be in for a while. And I proceeded to use alcohol as much as I could hold down and a few other things, like heavy sedatives and some other various and sundry pharmaceutical products that I liked to use at the time. And I'm up in the attic of my parents' house, and I'm thinking, I've got to get to Newark Airport, because if I could have got to Alaska, I could Have had a job on a commercial fishing boat. But this is my thinking now. I've Got to get To Alaska. I can't buy a bus ticket to Broad Street in Elizabeth. You know what I mean? I don't know how I'm going to get to Newark Airport, but this is what I'm thinking. Tomorrow, I'll buy a plane ticket. But I spent all my money on drinking, and I didn't want to stop. And I'm scamming and scheming up in my room there, and one night there was nothing left. I'm up there all by myself, and there's nothing left, and Bill Wilson described it as the loneliness and despair, that bitter morass of self-pity. and I'm thinking to myself, what the hell am I going to do? I'm like, I can't turn off the noise, you know. And the things they talk about, the frothy emotional appeal, my mother would ask me a million times, can't you just stop? You're going to go to prison, you Know. And I'm, like, yeah, someday, someday I'll stop, you Now. And I started injecting myself with insulin. I took a couple of syringes full of U100 insulin I figured this now this is my thinking as I'm doing this because I'm like I'm going to go to sleep here's what's going to happen this stuff is going to knock me out for a while I understood that I really knew what was going to happened but my thinking at the time is I'll wake myself up in about six months maybe a year I'll bring myself around And in that time, I'll have been tried in absentia. My mother will have gone to court for me and she'll bring my merit badge sash and my honor student plaques and things like that. And people will be like, he's really just a misunderstood little guy. And I'll be able to go back to where I left off. Like this is what I'm thinking. This isn't what happens. My parents come, well, yeah, go figure, right? I was really hoping for that. But that's not what happens my parents find me convulsing on the floor and this isn't the first time they've seen me going into shock and uh they bring me around right they get me out of it they give me the glucagon and everything and I'm like here's what I know about it as best as I can recollect when it started to get really dark I rolled off the bed As much as I wanted to go to sleep, I didn't want to go to sleep that bad. You know what I mean? And there was a loud thud which drew their attention to where I was and they found me because you start to convulse when you're losing and they find me laying there and when I come around after the ambulance squad and my parents, I'm thinking to myself, that really didn't go the way I had planned. What am I going to do? and it was February the 1st of 1994 and the reason my sober date is kind of significant is that was my father's birthday. You know what I mean? I had no idea when I was going for the long ambulance ride that it was going to be my father. It was my dad's birthday, but that's my sobriety date. And here's what happens. I'm thinking, you know what? That didn't go so well. What am I going to do? I'm like, I need a couple of weeks to get another plan together. You know what I mean? I've got to rethink this thing. So I'm, like, I'll call the employee assistance program again. I'll talk to Lloyd because I'm really a wacko. You know What I mean, Like, I need psychiatric help. Like, If I can get to do my time in a state-run hospital, I'll be all right. And I call this guy up and I'm ,like, Hey, Lloyd, I've Got to come to see you. Now, Unfortunately at this time, I have no automobile or anything. And, Excuse me. I got in touch with my little brother, and this is just a real quick story about me and my little brother. One of the last things I did for my little brother, I destroyed his wedding reception at the Brielle Yacht Club. I took a swing at somebody in the family, and I was the best man at this function. This is the type of drinker I am, you know what I mean? I resemble myself but very little under the influence. I like to fight. I like to cause problems, and my brother very kindly told me that, like, I was no longer welcome. But when I contacted him to tell him that I was going to go try to get help, he came to get me and he drove me down to Newark to see the guy. And when I get there, I'm like, hey, Lloyd, listen, I got a lot of mental problems. You know, I am like, I am a violent little guy. He is like, yeah, I know that. But he is like you don't have any mental problems He is Like, you have an alcohol and a drug problem. And if you, he is Like I will get you into a place but you have to go today. I'm like, it's going to be a mental hospital, right? He's like, just go home and pack your bags. And so now, I weigh about 115 pounds soaking wet at this time, right. My ribs are sunken in because I don't eat much and I'm not really taking the best of care of myself, right, but I think I got like washboard abs, you know what I mean? I think like I'm all cut off. I think that I strike quite the figure. I, like, fear, you know, and I have hair down my back, right? And I say to my brother, I'm like, you got to get me home. I got to fix my hair. Like, I braided my hair and I got all my best shirts, you know, all my run t-shirts and things like that, my leather jacket, my boots. And they had an ambulance come to get us. And I went for a ride in 1994 to Parkside Lodge down in Morristown, New Jersey. And I didn't go there for any of the right reasons either. I was just looking to get out of trouble with the law. You know what I mean? I knew what was coming and I figured this would look good when I went, when I sentencing because I contacted the detective in Morris County and he agreed to let me go there. And so I'm thinking this is going to work in my favor if I do all these things. And I'm like, you know what? I know a lot of this stuff. I'll be all right with this. You know what I mean? I know the answers before they ask the questions. And I filled out the paperwork, you know, and I'm, like, laughing. And the lady says to me, she's like, you have diabetes? I'm Like, yeah, I do. Like, what's the problem with that? She's like well, I should take you to the ward, right, and show you people that have, like, done half the things you have done that don't have limbs and everything else. I'm not going to scare me. You know what I mean? I'm really arrogant about this. I'm like, those things really don't impress me much. And she's like, well, you're going to find out. And she just snickered. And I had no idea why she was laughing. And the next day, I met the woman I referred to as the dragon lady. She was my counselor. And she really wasn't too impressed with me. Everybody else was like, hey, leave that guy alone. Because I told people my story and the things I had done. And they're like, that guy is out of his mind. You know, like, just don't even talk to him. There was a couple of people, but one day this lady yelling, she calls me in her office, and I had been writing down, like the first step, right? Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives weren't manageable. And I had all the answers. I could write all this stuff down on paper, right. She threw it across the desk at me, and I was like, what's the problem? She's like, this is all BS. I'm like, What do you mean? She's Like, Let me explain something to you. She's like, I'm not really impressed by you, your tattoos, your motorcycle, or who your friends are, or how long you think you may be able to do in a state penitentiary. She's, like, you're an alcoholic and you've got other problems. And if you take care of them, maybe you can clean up the mess you made out of your life. I'm, like., well, are you going to write me a letter? I really need a letter for court. If you could just do me that one favor, I'd really appreciate it. She's,, like, here's what I'm going to guarantee you today. She's like, if you don't pick it up, you will not get drunk. The rest of it will be entirely up to you. And she made several suggestions to me. She suggested at the time that I try cutting my hair, shaving my face, and tying my shoes. And I thought to myself, like, who are you to critique my fashion? Like, you know what I mean? I'm like, I really don't want to do anything you're telling me to do. But I knew that she had the detective's phone number in her desk drawer. And if I walked out the door to go to the bus station, I would have probably got 100 yards from the place. So I was like, all right, I'll get the haircut. And today I understand that had to do with being willing to take direction, maybe being a little bit open-minded. And she suggested that I go to an Oxford house. I lived in an Oxford House in Teaneck, New Jersey for almost two years. And now I'll tell you about my introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1994. I was very unhappy to come to AA, and I had no problem telling you how unhappy I was to be here and what I really thought about AA. And one night in a meeting, there was this woman, and I seemed to have a problem with women in the beginning. And this lady's name is Zell B. She's actually from Leonia. And she was leading the meeting, and she asked me to do something. And I stood up and I was like, I don't think you know who you're talking to, right? And she was like yes I do. She's like you're just another little drunk. Now you can sit down and shut up or there's the door. Don't let it hit you. And she's like I'll be here next Thursday if you want to come back. If you wish to stay here please sit down and be quiet. That lady today is a good friend of mine. She was very instrumental in the very beginning and helping me to get sober. And I got my first sponsor at that time, one of the guys in the Oxford house. He dared me to ask this guy to help me. And rather than be considered a chicken by the... I lived with eight other guys. There was a total of nine guys in a house. There was one really big dude, right? When I moved in, I was like, well, if that guy beats the tar out of me on the front lawn, these other guys will know how nuts I am and they won't bother me. That guy's like a big brother to me. He's sober about a year longer than I am. But at the time, I figured if I could fight him, everybody else would be like he could take a beating. You're really not going to do much. I never fought with Moose, you know what I mean? Him and I got to be really good friends. But this was my thinking the day I moved into the house. And Tommy Taylor was my first sponsor, and he explained some things to me at that time. He had known a lot of people I had known. He had done so many things I had done. and he'd been sober for five years and if he told me I want what he had I would do what he did and he explained to me like the ABC's the ashtrays, brooms and chairs and he would take me like to a big open speaker meeting and he Would tell me to help set up before the meeting and help clean up afterwards and I'd be like well why do I have to do this and he Be like are you still sober and I Be like yeah yeah yeah and I Get out of the truck and slam the door and he be like call me tomorrow and I had no idea back then how important it really was to be able to take direction and another thing was like I was very full of myself. I was really arrogant and I was like, I'm not like these people you know what I mean? And Tommy one day, he pulled me aside and he was like I want you to think about something when you go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting while you're there, he's like you had better look around that room and believe that everybody in that room is able to do something that you cannot do by yourself, and not to stay sober for one day. And I was like, yeah, yeah. But I understood that. And he was like now I'm going to offer you some more suggestions because I like to dip snuff and I'd be standing outside meetings spitting and as people would walk by, I'd be spitting and kicking dirt and stuff. And he's like how about you do this? Why don't you stop spitting, put your hand out, and go say hello to somebody. He's like nobody here is under any obligation more than to say hello to you. If you wish to have a conversation with them, go over there and introduce yourself. I'll tell you this about my story. I never set out to be an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. AA got me. I didn't get AA, you know what I mean? For the beginning, I came to believe. I came to when I came to believe by coming to AA and seeing what it could do for other people. And I read the big book again I read it for the same reason the first time I read It for spite because people like to say things from the big book and I was like, I'm not sure that's exactly what that means I want to know what the whole phrase is I need all the information from that book I had a lot of free time on my hands and I read the book and it started to make a little bit of sense to me And about this time, I had to get another sponsor and Tommy had moved on. He got involved in other things and I got another sponsor. And I started to understand what it meant to be powerless over alcohol. And the thing I got to do now is I got to thank the sponsor I have today because I went through a little period too where I was like stark raving sober. You know, I had gotten just enough from what I had done to be able to sound like really good at Alcoholics Anonymous and but it was a lot harder for me to like apply to my life at times and I was a little bit of, I was getting a little out of my mind and uh i started going i actually i took a guy to the meeting that i go to regular now in the hopes of helping him to get sober and i got a new sponsor out of the deal and uh he was like well here's what we're going to do we're gonna we're gotta read the book right and uh i kind of understand today the whole idea like i know that the first forward says we are 100 men and women who have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body and to show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. We hope for them that the pages of this book prove so convincing that no further authentication will be necessary and I've authenticated the pages of the big book Alcoholics Anonymous to my story for those that don't know like that's powerless over alcohol Like, I don't remember. Like, I have a mental obsession. I love drinking. You know what I mean? Always did. I loved what drinking would do to me. But physically, once I take in alcohol, I become different to everybody else except for the people sitting here in this room that suffer from the same malady as I do. I will keep drinking till the bitter end. I do not care what happens while I am drinking. I could win a million bucks and I'll keep drinking. I could wind up locked in solitary confinement and I will be looking for liquor. Like, you know, I think I kind of explained that to you in my story. That's the strange mental twist I have. I really love drinking and the whole thing is triggered by taking one drink. I proved that to myself, you know? And it's been, that's the thing I have to remember today. Like and the unmanageable part of my life for me today is, thanks to the program of AA, I can't manage my own life. You know what I mean? I was never much of a success at running the show. You know, like I can manage to create a lot of chaos. I can cause a lot of trouble. Just ask my wife. The ride up here tonight was a little chaotic. You know what I mean. And this is nine plus years because like, but this is me. This is what makes me up. These are the things. I recognize it. Can I always do something about it? No, like that's my problem. I can't fix myself. I cannot manage to keep myself sober and I like left to my own devices. I will drink again because they also tell you in the book that I am without off. I am unable at certain times to recall the suffering and humiliation of a week or even a month ago, like once I pick up that first drink, it's, you know what I mean? The idea is replaced by like how much fun drinking is. You know what i mean? That's what happened. That's what happens for me. Like I think about the good times. I never think about, and I'll tell you this honestly, would I consider to be a good time? Probably some of you may consider it like a scare, you Know what I Mean? Whatever it is. It wouldn't be a very good time for you, but those are the type of things, like, I used to enjoy while I was drinking, you know? And what happened was, I've never had a problem believing in a higher power. You know what I mean? Like I said, I'm the product of 12 years of a Catholic education. I always figured, like if on my last day, you Know what I Mean? After I'd been shot or stomped or whatever happened, because I figured that would be glorious. You Know what i mean? If I was shot or stomp, that would be a great way to go. You know what I mean? Outside some dive bar in a tussle with a few people and I got shot. If I could get out the words I was sorry I would be alright with God. God made me just like he made everybody else and he loved the little outlaws too. You Know What I Mean? And as long as I could say I was Sorry, I would be okay at the end. I actually had to come, I had to start to believe in Alcoholics Anonymous first that the way they explained to me was, I could not think my way into right action, but I could act my way into right thinking. And I'll tell you this about, I had to go for sentencing at like 60 days sober and I had started praying in rehab, you know, like God keep me out of trouble today. You know what I mean? Just don't let me get in trouble today, just help me out today Lord. And uh, I got on my knees the night before I was supposed to go, and I was like, you know what? Whatever happens, I know I'll be all right. You know what I mean? Whatever it's going to be, it's gonna be. And, uh, I grabbed my toothbrush that morning when I went to court just in case, like, he didn't hear my prayer, you know? And, um, I actually got to go to the International Convention of Young People in Atlanta, Georgia in 1994. I let, I had to go to court that friday morning i met my friends at the airport and i got to go and uh from there like i've started i believe this this is what i believe that like if i rightly relate myself to my higher power if i like if I understand that i have very little to do with any success that i actually have you know what i mean that it was all it's all been given to me by a power greater than myself. Like the book tells me, I either got to believe he's everything or he's nothing, you know? And my higher power today, that's the reason like... This is the only thing I'm saying about to be really honest. I'll explain this now. I don't think about picking up a drink. You know what I mean? The obsession for alcohol has been relieved. By some people's yardsticks, I might still be criminally insane today. I do not know. it depends on which test you use to figure out my sanity but those things do not bother me the thing I understand is that like I don't believe the lie in my mind but the release from that was given to me by this program and coming to believe in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity like I said I still do crazy things but that's alright I don't drink, you know. That obsession has been relieved. And I'm not going to stand up here and tell anybody that this has been easy. You know what I mean? I wouldn't wish early sobriety like I'm my worst enemy. You know What I mean. But I had to go through all that I have gone through to get to where I am today. And the other thing is, like, I'm kind of hyper. I speak kind of fast. I'm sure people have gathered that by now, and I'm starting to run out of steam. You know what I mean? Because I've got to stop here. I don't want to ruin the next three weeks. You know What I Mean? I've Got Three More Weeks Of This. But The Thing About It Is That This Book, Those People That Come Before Me That Laid this out it's a really it's all i gotta be doing willing to do is follow a few simple rules you know and like that's what i have to remember a i'm an alcoholic i can't manage my own life and b no human power is going to really can relieve my alcoholism you know what i mean i got c is really for next week that god can and will if he were sought but like i here's the other I've got to believe this stuff. I'll tell you this about me. There is nobody here that could scare me. I'll be completely honest with you. You can stand here and talk to me until you're blue in the face, and I'll look at you, and I'd be like, oh yeah, yeah, yes. That happened to me, you know what I mean? And all those things. And I had a friend die from this disease after I picked up my buddy, a childhood friend of mine who had been sober longer than I was, and I saw him at an AA meeting. He died. I attended his wake under the influence and I saw him laying there and I knew what killed him did I walk out of the funeral home and be like you know what I better go back to AA the thought never crossed my mind I was like that will never happen to me that will ever happen to you that will not ever happen to me and that's the type alcoholic I am you know like I got to believe these things for myself you know what I mean people can tell me their story and I can read it like I said I had to put myself into that book to understand those things you know what I mean not being able to recall suffering and humiliation all those things that go along with it that are the phenomenon of craving that are is so elusive that I'll follow it to the gates of insanity or death I mean I've been there you know I have a whole bunch of stories I could have told you in my drunk log look at me here's one thing this guy I used to go to a meeting in the Bronx and this guy's name was Bird and he was sober like 18 years at the time and I was sober about two years and he's like hey let me tell you something little man and I'm like what's that he's just like your story actually precedes you and I didn't understand what he was trying to tell me at the same time but as I got to know him just by looking at me you know what I mean I didn' have to tell him all the stupid stuff I did because the truth of it is most of my drunk log is my own stupidity fueled by alcohol. You know what I mean? Alcohol allowed me, like I said, like that quote I was using, alcohol was my master. You know What I mean ? I did what it allowed me to do whatever I thought, whatever popped into my head it allowed Me to do. Today I no longer suffer from that and that's thanks to My higher power and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and with that I'd like to close for this evening. I'd like to now introduce our guest speaker for the month of October, Tattoo Steve from Monroe, New Jersey, speaking on steps 3, 4, and 5. Thank you.