Acting Your Way Into a New Way of Thinking – John S.

My sobriety date is January 5th, 1997, I'm in with the bachelor group and I got a sponsor, his name's Walt. When I came here, I was told to go to meetings every night and I'd go and I would sit and I'd listen and I think, you know, I'd be listening to you guys and after a while I'd I'd be like, man, I really like what I'm hearing and I want what you guys have and I wanted to do that. And it sounded so cool. And I'd go home. My sponsor, he told me to call him every night. And I did home right after the meeting. I'd call this guy. He'd be, like, did you go to a meeting? I'd say, yeah. Did you sit up in front? Yeah. Did you listen to the lead? Yeah. What did the guy say? And I would be,like, I can't remember, you know. I just couldn't remember nothing when I was new. But I remember a couple of things. And the most basic thing I heard really early on was this one guy said that it's so simple what we do here. He said, you get a sobriety date and you keep it. Like just no matter what, just don't pick up that first drink and you never have to change that sobriery date. Just get a sorority date and keep it, you know. I mean, that's all we do. It's so basic. One day at a time, we don't pickup the first drink, you now. So, and today, you know, I mean, today I want to keep my sobriety date. And I did what I was supposed to do today. I don't know, man. There's a guy here from my neighborhood that I used to drink with. And when we were young, we had a lot of fun, you know, but I tell you, at the end, it just wasn't fun no more. And I didn't want to live the life I was living. And there was nothing I could do about it. I just didn't think there was no way I could change it. I couldn't stop drinking, you know? I'm an alcoholic. I can't stop drinking. I can not stop drinking on my own. I just can't do it, you know? And it was so frustrating for me when my life was really just bad at the end and everything was bad about it and I didn't like it and I did not want to do it no more and I just couldn't stop it. I just did not think there was any other way, you know, and it was like the only way I knew. And, um, doggone it, you know. I didn't end up here and one day at a time, you know, I mean, it works. So like you guys that are new here tonight, just like stay here, get a sobriety date and keep it and like it, it really works. And my life's really good today. Um, I grew up over here. I grewup down on in Cleveland on East 71st Street, you know, and I got a, had a mom and a dad and I have two older brothers and I have a twin sister. And so growing up, I didn' t know it at the time, but I know what resentment is. You know, I always thought like this with my sister, like she's the only girl. I always felt like she got like better presents than me, you know, at Christmas and stuff. And I'd always be mad about that. You know, and she was always smarter. She got better grades, but, you know, she did her homework, you know, but she never did that either. And she had resentments as a kid. I got a couple weeks ago in my home group and he talked about how he learned to lie because he got away, he learned that if he lied he could escape consequences. And when he said that I thought to myself you know that's what I used to think too. You know that is what I use to think when I was a kid. That when I lied I got out of things and I escaped them. What I know today is that you know I didn't escape nothing. Because that stuff always stayed up there. It always stayed inside me. And so like the guilt of knowing that I lied or like if I I'd get caught later on or if I'd have to lie later on to get out of the lie that I told. And at the end of my drinking, it was just lie, lie, lying, lying all the time, you know. But I learned to do that when I was a kid and I was scared. I was just fearful. When I didn't know something, I just hated looking stupid, you now. And I hated trying new things and I just had this anxiety, anxious kind of inside fear kind of thing going on, you kno. So, and when I got to be about, I don't know, teen, I used to think it was like I was older, but the other day I thought about once when I was probably in fifth, sixth grade, seventh grade or something. And by then I already knew what alcohol could do to me because we were at somebody's house after school and there was a bottle that we were getting into the guy's parents' liquor cabinet and I drank a lot and I got really drunk and God, I couldn't have been, how old was that? 11, 12, something like that. So by that time already I knew what alcohol could do for me and I loved it. I loved what alcohol could do to me and I was surrounded by people like my whole life growing up. My parents, the people in the neighborhood, I had good teachers, I had coaches, I was active in sports, I had all these people trying to teach me how to live life on life's terms, I'm trying to give me tools to live with. And, you know, boy, when I found alcohol, I just loved it. And like who cared about having to learn all this other stuff, you know? It was a lot easier just to like put on a buzz and just forget about everything. And I learned that when I was a kid and I loved it, I loved it. And I love the big book, in the big books, when Bill Wilson starts talking about when he started drinking, I think it's Bill's story. He talks about, like, forming the habit, you know? And with me, the habit was formed when I was young. And I went on through life, you know? And as I went through high school and when I first got to high school, I was an honors student and I was active in sports, like I said. And by the time I was getting out of high school I wasn't an honors student. I wasn�t playing all the sports anymore. When I was in high school, my father passed away. He had been sick a long time. And I remember that. I was at the hospital when it happened and my mom was by his bedside and my sister and one of my brothers were by my mom's side and I was over by the window and I was thinking, you know, way to go God. You know, some God you are. And what am I supposed to do now? And what about me? And in the big book when it talks about alcoholism and And it says that self-centeredness and selfishness is the root of our problem. And when I look back at my life today, you know, I can see that when I was 16 years old already, you know as far as putting distance between me and my family, I was isolating myself and it was all about me. You know, it was like, you know, this is like a real tragedy for my family and for my mom and everyone else. But I just thought it was like some personal thing with God against me. And it's not like I stopped believing in God or anything, but I just didn't think he would have anything to do with me. I just Didn't think I could ever have a personal relationship with him, ever. And I go through life with that attitude. It's all about me. I'm going to drink to get away from him, to escape. I'm gonna isolate myself from my family. And that's how my life went. I went away to college for a year, and I didn't do very good. I didn' t, you know, average. I partied a lot. I hung out with the people that partied. I ended up coming home. Boy, when I got back here, you know, my friends were working from high school, and they all had stuff. So I got a job, and I went out, and I got a bunch of stuff. You know, I wanted what they had. They looked pretty happy. So I went out. I got a job. I got a car. I bought my first car in 1967, Ford Fairlane, really clean. I bought a Fender Stratocaster electric guitar and I bought this black leather jacket with like all these zippers and studs and stuff. I was like an 18 years old, you know, little skinny little guy. And I was like, I have arrived, man. I mean, this was going to be my year, you know, because now I'm all set up, you And I discovered all the bars down there, Fleet Avenue, Broadway, Polish Club. I used to just drink all the time. I worked second shift, 2 to 1030, Paradise. Get out at 1030. I'd be in the bar by 11, close them up every night, you know. And I was like 19 years old. I was 19 years older. And I'm pretty lazy. I don't like working. So after about a year, I was working second shift. But, you know, but I'd go down to the Agora and Thursday night was college ID night and I'd have to pay, I don't know, like two bucks or something, three bucks to get in and, like, all these kids were getting in for free. So I went back to college so I could get an ID and so I can get in for a free. And I started going back to school and I got laid off and I liked that and I went to school for a bunch of years and, you now, by the 80s. You know, I mean, I had no direction in my life. I mean I just didn't like to work and that's why I went to school. I liked to drink a lot, you know, and so I could hang out in the bars all the time and, you now, I would go to spring break and by this time my oldest brother lived in New Orleans so I'd be going down there for Mardi Gras and, you know Kentucky Derbies and just like wherever there was like some kind of party going on that's where I would try to be, you kno. and just no direction, no career kind of path, family, nothing. I just wanted a party, you know. I ended up graduating and like bouncing around and I was in the bar one day and my friend's older brother was there and he asked me if I wanted to be an insurance underwriter and I didn't even know what it was but I asked him like what were the hours and what I paid and it was like nine to five working in an office Monday through Friday. I was like fine, I'll do that and so I get this job and I got to dress up and you know then I'm really thinking now I've really arrived you know and I'd come into the bars down there on suite and I'll be like get everybody a drink you know Diamond John's in the house you know get everyone and you know like it says in the book I made a host of fair-weathered friends you know I made almost I knew all kinds of people and and it was just like always about the party for me I ended up, after a few years, I got a little house down there in the neighborhood. You know, every now and then I could kind of like, you know, save my money and, you Know, put together like a couple of good months and get a car or something. But for the most part, you Now, I had a decent job and I'm living paycheck to paycheck all the time. This is why I asked him to be my sponsor, but I learned how to play utility roulette. And that's where you're paying the one that they're going to cut off that month and you try to pay one a month and keep them all out at the same time, you know. Started missing house payments right away. Started learning that it was kind of normal to live with, you now, three out of four utilities on. And that is how my life would go. And I was at this job for like six and a half years and in the big book when it talks about the real alcoholic in there and it describes him and one of the things it says is that he, you know, builds up a promising career for himself and his family and then pulls it down on his head in a series of senseless sprees. And after six and a half years I went from being an underwriter trainee to like handling the biggest accounts in this office for this company and it was a really good job and I had a really great job and six and a half years I'm sitting across from my boss and his boss and they got this file and it's on me and it is in black and white and it was like all the days I missed the times I called in sick the times you know I called them to take a vacation day all the work I missed and I am sitting across from them and I'm thinking like don't they know who they are talking to don't THEY know who I am don't They know I got potential you know and I always say that about the potential because when I came the AA and I was here like a week. And at one of my first meetings, some guy gets up to make a comment and he goes to the lead, he goes, potential. He goes, all that means is you haven't done shit yet. And when he said that, I was just like, ow. I was like, man, that's how I live my life, you know? I mean, that is what I would do is I would, you know, we talk about like the three inning ball player and that would be me. I could come in and make a good impression and dress up and like look good for a little bit of time, but I could never sustain anything. I couldn't stay focused on anything, and it was only a matter of time before I was found out, you know? And then I'd have to lie, and then all that stuff would start building up inside, you Know? And I ended up quitting that job, and then I go through like a couple of jobs in a couple years, and by this time I got roommates coming in and out, and people coming in out of my house, and, you You know, I mean, it was just, it was a mess. You know? It was like a path between like all the garbage from the back door to the front room and like all the curtains are closed and everything and just like garbage, newspapers, pizza boxes, beer cans, like everywhere. Just everywhere. It was horrible. Couldn't let my friends come over anymore. Couldn't see my friends anymore, my family. Didn't want nothing to do with them and I'd be trying to dress up and go to work and you know, I looked like heck and I ended up with another job and I was at this place for like eight or nine months. And, you know, I mean, even the bars were like cutting me off from my bar tabs and stuff. And it was just horrible. It was this time of year. It Was this time of year in 96. And I ended up at this place. And the same thing, you know, my boss, the director of human resources, they called me in. They got the file. It's on me. Same story. You know, every place I'd been in between there and then missing days not calling in not showing up look like heck and this time these guys are like we think you got a problem and in my mind I'm like you know I got a problem and I know there's insurance and I know I can get help and all I got to do is say yes I got a problem that I can give help and and they're like well what do you think and I go and I'm thinking you know i got a problem i can get out and and ask me what she think and I open up my mouth and what comes out is I ain't got no problem you guys have a problem if you only stay off my back or pay me more money, you know, done. We wouldn't have any of these problems. We didn't have to be here. You know, let me get back and go to work. And they didn't believe me. And that made me, you Know, I was pretty mad about that. They got me on the phone with a counselor at this treatment center down the street. And after about 10 minutes, she's asking if I wanted to go to a hospital for it to get detoxed, you And I was like, I'm not that bad. No, I don't need that. But they got me into an outpatient thing, an intensive outpatient treatment program. And it was three nights a week for three hours a night. And the first day I was there, they gave me a big book. They gave me an evening schedule. They told me I'd have to go to meetings. I'd be able to get phone numbers. I'd call somebody and get a sponsor. I'd go through that book and work the steps. The first ten minutes I was in treatment, They laid it out for me exactly what I was going to have to do. And it turns out that since when I started doing that thing, you know, I've been sober. But then they gave me these two pamphlets, one on alcoholism and one on cocaine addiction. And they said, go read these tonight. And I did that. And after I read those, I was like, well, shoot, I understand this so well. I mean, I got it now. I don't need to do any of that other stuff. And I didn't. I didn'T do anything they said. You know? And on January 1st, when one of my friends called and said, come on, let's go out, let'S get a couple of beers. And I said, oh, I can't, you know, I'm in treatment now. But okay, we'll just go for a couple beers, you know. And I never read the book. You know,I never went to any meetings. I didn't know, you know, in the doctor's opinion, it talks about it, talks about this phenomenon of craving that happens like when we put alcohol in our system. And it happens to me. And I didn' know nothing about it today i can look back and see it like perfectly you know i just went out for a couple of beers and the next thing i know it's you know once again it's three four in the morning you know I'm getting home I'm trying to go to work I gotta go back to this group thing now I don't say nothing because I'm scared and I lie and I don'T want to get thrown out of that group and um and right before they let us go home uh we had to leave them a sample that they were going to test and uh and i went home that was a friday night and i went home for the weekend thinking you know i'm busted and the thing that was going through my head was that i was going to get thrown out of that group they were going to fire me from work you know I had already filed bankruptcy to save like the house that I had the house I got was built by my great grandparents or grandparents or someone it's been in my family forever so I'm like well my family's not going to want anything to do with me so they're going to toss me out I'm going to have nowhere to go and I'm going to be stuck all alone and I am not going to have nothing. And that's what I was thinking when I went home from that group that weekend. And I'm an alcoholic and I'll tell you, it hurt and I didn't like the way I felt and I couldn't stop my mind from racing just thinking and thinking how am I going to get out of this and what am I gonna do and what Am I gonna say and I'm alcoholic and I got no skills or tools or nothing to deal with this. I don't know how. I haven't been going to meetings. You know, I haven'T been praying. I don'T know, nothing. And I do what I always do. I go out to get drunk, you know. And that last time I went out to get drunk just I couldn'T stop it. I couldn't stop my mind. No matter how much I drank, no matter how many times I used that night, that next day, I just could NOT stop that tape from playing over and over and over again, you KNOW. And it was that, you Know, the little prayer of God help me, you KNOW, and I ended up staying sober for a day and I went back to that meeting. And I didn't say nothing and I lied and they called me on it and I lied. And the nice counselors like, John, you're sugarcoating things. John, you're whitewashing things. Oh, John you're lying. You know, she's asking me why I did it. And meanwhile the other counselor that was mean because she was in AA and she was sober for 10 years. She just celebrated 10 years and she went to meetings and she had a sponsor. You You know, she worked the steps and she's sitting off to the side in the group in a circle and right in the middle of it, she just like does this little sarcastic kind of laugh and all she says is, your life's in shambles. And the way she said it was just there was like no emotion to it. It was just, I don't know, what I heard was the truth, you know. What I heard wasn't true. And in my mind, this little thought like shoots through there that says everyone knows but you. And that hurt, and I didn't like to hear that. And I'll tell you, I know why today because I read the book, and in the book it says that more than anything, the alcoholic loves to lead the double life. And I've got to tell you when I was at work and I'd be all dressed up in a suit and these people I'd been working with would be talking about their retirement plans and exercising cholesterol and whatever, I'd just sit there thinking what a bunch of squares these people are. I got it going on because I can go out and run the streets all night and still make it to work, you know. And then I'd be out running the streets all night with these guys and I'd been thinking like what a bunch of crumbums. These guys don't even have jobs, you now. What am I doing with these guy's, you kno? And I'm thinking, I'm always thinking, see. That's my problem. I'm just getting over on all these people. And when that thought shot through my head that said everyone knows but you and that was the truth, I was just like, man, that just deflated me, you know. I was crushing. And my sponsor says, you now, pride busting, ego deflating program. That's what we do here, you kno. And so I'm walking out of that meeting and I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't stop. I can' t stop drinking. And this girl that was sober and that was in that group, she's sober like two weeks. She goes, well, duh. You know, of course you can't stop. She goes we stopped. You know we admitted we were powerless. It's a we thing. And she goes, you've got to come to a meeting with us. And I'm like, I can't. You know, my car's broke down. And it's just, you know, whining and just whining, so whiny. And she's like, well, you made it here tonight, and just come here tomorrow. We're all going to a meet-up. And we're going to be in a meeting. And I got there the next night, and all these people that were sober, like a week or two weeks, took me to a meetings. And we get to this meeting, and this guy gets up, and he's talking, and he' s talking, and he''s talking, and at one point he goes, You know, all my life it was like I was fighting. I was fightin' everybody and everything. It was like i was swimmin' upstream, you know? And finally, I just got too tired. I just couldn't fight nothin' no more. And I just had to throw up my hands and just go with that current and let that current take me, you kno? And he goes, and that's like what it is with God's will. You just gotta surrender and throw up your hands and just let the current take you, you kno? And I identified with this guy. I identified wth the part about bein' so tired. i just didn't want to fight nothing no more i was like so tired i was just like whatever you know whatever and these guys that were sober like a couple weeks they start taking me to meetings and they're walking around and they got like little books you know they're getting phone numbers i don't even have a book you know i got like a sheet of paper and i'm just like shuffling along after i'm like getting phone numbers you know and these counselors are on me they're like you got to get a sponsor so i call this guy you know the guy who talks about the utility roulette thing because I identified with that. And I'm like, you know, the counselor is saying I need a sponsor and he's like, yeah, whatever. He's like well, go to a meeting every day call me every night and we'll see how it goes. He goes, but write this down. He says, it says in the big book and how it works it says when you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it when you're ready to take certain steps and he goes what do we have that you want that you'd be willing to go at any length to get? As soon as he says like this guy just go a big screen tv and he goes what i go man i was at this meeting last night this guy he said he got a big-screen tv because he's sober i'm like that's what i want and he's like dude man he's like just write it down and like put in your wallet you know it's like and just you know just think about these things and um so that's how i did and i started going to meetings you know and i start going to meetings like every day and he'd always like be on me He'd be like, you've got to sit in the front row. He's like, You're never going to pay attention for an hour anyway, but if you're in the Front Row, you'll be facing the right direction when you come to. And I'd get all mad. And he'd always be trying to get me. I'd say something and he'd be Like, Go back out, finish the job, come back when you're serious. And I get so mad at this guy. I'd see him at this meeting and I still see him just tonight. So I won't see him tonight, but on Saturdays I'd see him and still, I'd drive out of town in Willoughby and I'd be driving home and I would be so mad at this guy. I'd been so mad in him and I'll be like, that's it, you know, I'm going to stay sober just to come back and he doesn't think I'm gonna stay sober. I'd like thinking I cannot believe this guy that he doesn' t think I'm serious, you know? I'm staying here, that's all. And I'd get so mad at that guy. You know, and one day I was walking home from a meeting and it was cold so it still had to be pretty early because I got sober in January. It was still snowing and cold and what I was thinking, what shot through my head was my mom and this was right before my father passed away and she was yelling at me for taking me aside and she's like, all he does is worry about you and he's really sick. And what I thought about was what a horrible son I was because 20 years later there's this restless spirit up there that still has to worry about his 36-year-old son you know, and I was thinking about my mom and, you know she was up in her upper 70s at the time and I'm thinking like she's got to worry about me too and that ain't right you know and I Was Thinking About God What A Horrible Son I Was But I Had Gone To A Couple Meetings That Day And At The One The Guy Was Talking About Sharing His Story And He Tried To Commit Suicide At One Point And He Called His Mom And She Said You're In God's Hands Now And She Hung Up The Phone And Then After Being Sober For Five Years He Graduated From College and his mom and dad were in the front row and they were really proud of him, you know. And I thought about the lady I heard had just came from the lead and she was talking about her parents and they had been sick and how her brother was there trying to take care of them and he's running around, rushing around trying to get them stuff and, you don't know, can I get you anything? And they're like, no, it's okay because Penny's here now. And the thought that came to me was that, you guys knew how to be good sons and good daughters, you you know, and good brothers and sisters and stuff like that. See, you guys knew how to do that, and I didn't. You know, some guy got up here when I was new, and he said, you can't think your way into a new way of acting, but you can act your way Into a New Way of Thinking. And I had to do these things, and I had watch you guys, and I thought, you know when I heard that, I thought okay, I can do that. You know? I can Do That. And I would try to do That, but I couldn't do it because I didn' t know how to be like a good son was, you know. And I had to come here to watch you guys to see how you guys did it so then I could copy you guys and do what you guys didn't, you now. And that's what I do today. You know, I don't drink and I go to meetings. You know I heard this lady get up once when I was really new and she was sober a long time and she goes yeah I read my 24 hour book three times third time out loud every morning. Did it when I wasn't new still do it today. and somebody had given me a 24-hour book so I started reading it every morning three times, third time out loud and somebody said you've got to get on your knees and pray and ask God to keep you sober in the morning and do it again at night and I always forget when I was new that I was supposed to do that and I'd be laying in bed and it would be nice and warm and I would be like oh yeah, I've got a prayer and then I'd start praying and then they'd be like oh wait, I'm supposed to be on my knees and I have to get out of bed and get down there and do it. But, you know, after about a week or so this one day, I just felt something inside and it wasn't like I was going to get sick or have the dry heaves or anything. It was like after a while, I was like, that feels good, you now, and I felt good doing it. And I think for me that's really significant because the first time I really felt good in AA, you know? I didn't know what good was. I couldn't identify with the feeling, you kno? I didn' t know what it was. but I liked it I knew that I liked feeling good and I like it today and that's how I try to live my life like you guys taught me so I can feel good you know all the stuff I did there's like new people here tonight you know there's some effort and some work involved working the steps you know calling a sponsor my sponsor he told me to call him every night you know I didn't just pick up the phone and call some strange guy that I didn t know and said you know hi my name is John I want to talk about my feelings you know and I didn't do that and I called this guy every day for a year and talked about sports or the Browns or whatever you know it took a long time for me but I did what I was told you know I didn'y want to go back get a sobriety day and keep it you know I wanted to stay here and I'll tell you after about a year and a half when I was like really hurting one day before I knew anything I was on the phone talking to this guy I don't know how it happened because I knew how to dial his number and just picked up the phone and called him because it's what you guys told me to do and it's a lot of work but it's worth it it's worthy because today my life is like really good like my life is like really good I just can't and I love getting up here and talking because it feels like you know if you catch me like three in the afternoon when I'm at work and my boss is yelling at me I may not say my life is really good you know but like when I think about it And when I get to share about it, it's like my life is good today. You know, my neighbors don't call the cops on me no more. My family, they want me around. You know work doesn't want to fire me. I got a dog. I mean it's like man, I got a good life today. A good solid clean life you know. And it's a lot of fun. I have great fun here in AA you know with my friends. We go to conferences you know we go to Founders Day we go to meetings It's, man, I don't know. It's really, it's just really good. I highly recommend it to anybody that's new. It's like stay here. Stay here and don't give up when it seems really bad because like the really worst time is like early sobriety. When I stopped drinking, I was telling this guy before the meeting, when I stopped and I got sober and then I could look around and see what a mess I had made in my life, I knew it was really bad. That was like the worst time, you know? but I had stopped doing like stuff to add to the bad side and little by little it gets cleaned up and really it's like little by little you know it just takes time but I heard somebody say or I read it in a book or something you know if you give up you never know how close you were to like where it was going to happen for you you know you never knew if it was like the next meeting the next handshake the next time you pick up an ashtray the next anything you know and I mean if you give up I mean you just never know it's like that next moment was going to be like the one that's just going to shoot you over the edge and make your life really good I was at a meeting not too long ago some guy said a prayer I just boy I don't know how it goes exactly but I thought it was really cool and he said you know God you've given me so many things if you could give me one thing more just give me a grateful heart you know and I thought that was such a cool prayer because that is such a core thing for me to pray for today and I just really want to have a grateful heart and want to thank you guys for being here Bob, thanks for asking me to talk guys, thanks again thanks for being there when I got here and let's close with the Lord's Prayer