Act Right Regardless of What You Think and Feel Because Your Brain IS Your Disease – Don M.

Hi, everybody. My name's Don Major, and I'm an alcoholic.
And I'm just real grateful to be here.
Kind of like I think Merck said today, I'm grateful to be anywhere above ground.
And I'm real grateful to the host committee for inviting me down.
And I didn't realize it was going to be quite this uncomfortable to give this talk.
You know, a fellow gets away from home.
I don't hurt a little thing.
I don't hurt a thing, make things a little funnier maybe than they actually were or something like that.
And I've got my wife sitting right over here.
I've got about 30 or 40 people from Louisville, including my primary sponsor back there.
So I expect that I better keep it straight or something like that card thing Glenn's talking about might happen.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself so that you won't have to try to count these things up.
While I'm talking, I used to try to do that.
And one time I counted up some fellows 170-odd years old.
You know, one thing I'm going to tell you is that I'm a lawyer.
And along those lines, I was going to leave the stories all to Glenn and Tom on this.
But right along those lines, this lawyer died and, believe it or not, went to heaven.
And he got up there and St. Peter greeted him.
And you never saw such a to-do in your life.
They had the angel band out there, everything.
Carrying on.
Carrying on.
I mean, it was just a great, big welcome.
And the lawyer said, well, I know it's probably unusual that you get a lawyer up here,
but I didn't expect anything like that.
And St. Peter said, well, we do occasionally get a lawyer.
So, no, it's not that you're a lawyer, but it's so uncommon for us to have anybody who lived on earth for 337 years before they died.
And the lawyer said, well, what are you talking about?
I was only 67 when I died.
And St. Peter looked through his records and said, oh, crap, I was looking at your billing records.
But at any rate, the most important thing I want to tell you is that by the grace of God and this fellowship,
my dry date is April 9, 1981.
I'm 47 years old.
I was 37 when I got sober.
I'm a lawyer practicing in Louisville, Kentucky, again.
And the reason I say again is I'm probably going to tell you in a little bit that,
the Commonwealth of Kentucky requested that I refrain from that activity for a while.
I'm married to this beautiful lady sitting over on my left,
and we've been married since this last December the 26th.
My marital history is worse than most alcoholics.
Mert and I are running neck and neck, if I counted correctly today.
But I'm not going to give a blow-by-blow for man, because in the first place, I don't remember a whole lot of it.
And in the second place, I want to be...
I want to be a man.
I want to be a man.
I want to be a man.
I want to be a man.
I want to be a man.
I want to be a man.
I want to be a man.
I want to be a man.
I'm going to be down from here before 11 o'clock tonight, so I'm not going to give a blow-by-blow.
But I'm not trying to inherit anything from you.
My marital history has been bad.
And those are some little statistics about me.
And the big book tells me that when I talk, I need to share in a general way what I used to be like
and what happened and what I'm like now.
And that's what I want to do with you folks tonight.
My body grew up on a farm in southwest Kentucky.
As far as it ever did.
And before I got sober, I sincerely believed that there were all sorts of remarkable things
about my childhood.
For instance, I could tell you in great depth and with great feeling, actually crying, about
the way I had used my sterling intellect and my iron will to pull myself up from the bootstraps
from abject poverty to the staggering heights that I had reached.
And I hadn't been sober for 30 days.
I hadn't been sober for 30 days before I realized that that was all a bunch of crap.
In the first place, we weren't poor.
We were middle-class farming people who had everything we needed and really most of the things that we wanted.
And in the second place, my heights were a whole lot more staggering than they were high.
I was one of those deals where I was a legend in my own mind.
And looking back on it now, I believe the only remarkable thing about my childhood is the way I felt.
I don't know whether I was an alcoholic before I started drinking or not.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
I don't care.
If somebody had a file on me and could tell me everything about Don Major's alcoholism across the street,
I wouldn't walk over there.
And I used to be obsessed with that because I had that insane idea
that if somehow I could find out what was wrong with me,
it would magically no longer be wrong.
But I realize now that I don't even really need to know what's wrong with me
except enough to know what the solution is,
and then I need to do it,
and I don't even need to understand the solution.
I just need to do it.
But at any rate, the feelings have been there as far as...
as far back as I can remember.
I was always an egomaniac with an inferiority complex,
and I never felt like I was in the right place at the right time with the right stuff.
I can remember about the time I started grade school.
On one level, I was thinking that it was already obvious
that a little fellow as magnificent as I was
ought to have been born into great wealth and power,
so there'd been some sort of mistake somewhere.
And then at another level, down deep inside,
at the same instant I was thinking that,
I remember knowing,
yeah, boy, you were born into...
you were born into the wrong family, all right,
because there's no way in this world
that a completely worthless stack of dung like you
belongs in this family of warm, loving people
the way your family is.
I never was able to stop and be still
and kind of say to myself down inside,
hey, Don, how you doing?
And get any answer back except something like,
don't be asking that,
because you can't stand to look at it,
and for God's sake, boy, you keep moving.
You keep your cute and smart act going,
and if that...
if that flops,
then you create a negative disturbance.
But you do whatever you have to do
to keep anybody from drawing a bead on you
and seeing what's inside you.
Because if somebody else sees,
then you may have to look at it,
and then it'll be like the earth opening up
and swallowing you up.
You won't be able to stand it,
so you keep running.
And that's the way I stayed comfortable enough
that I could just barely stand it
until I got drunk the first time.
My original sponsor in this program,
and after I'd been reading it for several years,
the big book,
began to tell me that this incurable,
progressive, and fatal disease I've got
made me sick spiritually.
It made me sick emotionally and mentally and physically.
But it didn't start out as that.
What it started out as, at least in me,
is a disorder of my ego
that makes it impossible for me to be comfortable
inside myself without something from outside myself
to fill up that hole in the belly
that this disorder of my ego,
my self-centeredness,
my selfishness,
creates.
Connected with that,
as far back as I can remember,
I always sort of thought
that my intellectual ancestors
had created God
to keep your intellectual ancestors in line.
I couldn't imagine
there being a higher power
that held sway over my life
and my little brain
on a daily basis.
I don't ever remember
describing myself as an atheist.
I had all sorts of intellectual theories
about creation,
but it was just absolutely unacceptable to me
that anything would hold me back.
It would hold sway over my brain
on a daily basis.
As a result of that,
I was completely unteachable
and I was completely without humility.
Now, I didn't know I was unteachable.
If you had suggested I was unteachable,
I would let you know real quickly
that I could learn anything
as quickly as anybody you ever saw.
Thank you.
If you had said anything about humility,
I probably would have looked at you
with as close to a blank stare
as I ever allowed myself to have in those days.
Because to the extremely limited extent
that I ever thought about
humility and gratitude
and to be able to do that,
and to be able to do things of that nature
until I got sober,
I sort of vaguely assumed
they were character defects.
They were for those weak-willed
defeatists who just sort of
drifted around on the wind
and didn't grab life by the horns
and by God make things happen.
I'd been exposed to this recovery program
for two and a half years
before I began to see at all
how self-will is a character defect.
Because all of my life,
I thought that a strong self-will
was the greatest asset that I had.
The reason I believe now is because I'm a self-willist.
Now that I was completely unteachable
and completely without humility,
is that for those first 37 years of my life,
I never once voluntarily
followed a suggestion that anybody made
about how to run my life
unless my little old brain
understood that suggestion,
agreed with it, and thought it would work.
I didn't even realize
what I'd done, but I'd given my brain
the ultimate veto power
in the universe on how to run my life.
I guess when I think about it,
that's a real good definition
of self-will run.
And given the disease that I've got,
I was under death sentence
until a loving God that I hadn't even asked for
gave me the first little bit of willingness
to let my brain veto something
and be able to turn around to my brain
and say, yeah, I know you don't understand that,
I know you don't agree with it,
I know you don't think it'll work,
but partner, you and I have just damn near killed one another.
We've got to try something else.
I'll tell you one other thing
about the way I was as a kid.
I always wanted,
to be an alcoholic.
I didn't know that an alcoholic
was the name of what I wanted to be.
And I didn't know that I wanted to be an alcoholic
until I'd been sober about a year
and then I figured it out.
You see, in that farm where I grew up,
there were all sorts of really hard-working,
decent, responsible men
who lived around there
that owned a little land of their own
or farmed somebody else's land.
Those old boys would own these old pickup trucks
that were 10 or 15 years old
and they didn't owe a damn nickel on them.
They were all beat up and stuff.
And these guys,
would be married to these old gals
that'd wear these flower-sack-looking dresses
and old gals didn't look too flashy at all.
And maybe they'd have three or four or five
little old snotty-nosed kids
and these guys would get up every morning of their life
and eat breakfast
and kiss that drab-looking woman goodbye
and get in that paid-for pickup truck
and go out and dig in that ground
and come back at supper time,
eat supper, kiss that woman,
go to sleep, get up the next morning
and do the same damn thing over again.
And then maybe on Sunday they'd get up
and they'd pack that woman and those kids
in that pickup truck
and they'd go up the road to Julian Baptist Church
or down the road to Locust Grove Baptist Church
and then on Sunday afternoon
they might do something like go visit.
And as far back as I can remember,
and I'm not exaggerating this,
I can literally remember as a tot
the physical reaction of terror
that I had of thinking that I might grow up
to be anything like those fine, decent men.
It made my palms sweat,
my bowels get loose,
and my knees shake.
It terrified me.
Now I've got a brother
that's 12 or 13 years older than I am.
And about six or seven miles from the farm
there was a county land,
a little old spot called Gracie
where it was wet and they had the beer joints.
And by the time I was five or six
I started to go over there with my brother
and I'd drink Big Orange's neat pickled eggs
while he drank beer.
And I did a lot of observing.
First thing I observed was all those big flashy cars
in the parking lot.
Of course they couldn't pay for them
but that didn't make any difference
and over the last several decades
I've proved conclusively
that having flashy cars
and not being able to pay
for them was a big problem.
Paying for them
doesn't make any difference to me.
But I liked those
and then when
and those guys
they'd be sitting at the bar
you know
and they could sit at a bar cool.
They'd do things like
turn the ring around
turn that beer bottle around
tap on it a little bit
and just look cool.
And then they'd flip a dam
or a quarter of that bar made.
Hell, she didn't have to ask
what they wanted to hear.
She'd hot put it around that jukebox
and play Hank Williams, Kitty Wells.
She knew just exactly what to play.
And then you'd look over in the booth
and you'd see one of them over there
and he'd have his arm
draped around some old gal
that looked a hell of a lot better
than him.
He was in them old gals
in those flower sack dresses.
And he'd be
you know
he'd be talking to her
and he didn't care
whether he was married
to somebody else
or whether she was or not.
Didn't care at all.
And folks
every one of those guys
was about that far
from being rich and famous.
I'd sit and listen
and every one of them
had a hell of a big deal
that was just about to pop.
And you didn't mess with any of them.
Because I'd listen
and most of them
had a hell of a big deal
and most of them
had nearly had to whip
some son of a bitch
on the way to the beer joint.
And if he'd said another word
by God they would have.
And then after he'd drank
a little while longer
he'd get thinking
maybe they'd go back
and whip him any day now.
And I took one look
at all of that
and I fell in love.
I fell absolutely in love
when I saw my first
concentrated doses
of dishonesty
of unbridled ego
of self-will run ramp.
I said,
I want to be
just like them.
And I made it.
I just didn't know.
I just didn't know
what it was I wanted to be.
I took all that discomfort
that I had
and when I was 12 or 13
I got drunk the first time
and that first night
that I got drunk
I threw up.
I blacked out.
I passed out.
Got in a lot of trouble
and I woke up the next morning
and I had a terrible hangover.
And I remember walking the floor
in my parents' old farmhouse
gnawing on my hand
and I'd remember
something else
go dry heave off the porch
and I'd think,
it goes bad
it's the right
this stuff is terrible
I'll never do it again.
And it was less than a week
before I got drunk
the second time.
Because you see
before any of those bad things
happened
something else happened.
When I got enough
of that booze in me
that it radiated
all the way out
at the ends of my fingers
the tips of my toes
my face got all hot
and flushed
and started tingling
up around my mouth
a hole in my belly
quit hurting.
For the very first time
in my life
I was able to not run
and feel comfortable enough
inside myself
that I could stand it.
I was able
to sort of say to myself
down inside
hey Don
how you doing?
And instead of that answer
that I'd always gotten
all my life
the answer I got
was everything
is lovely.
You're okay.
You're in the right place
at the right time
with the right stuff.
You're not too good
you're not too bad.
You're not too smart
you're not too dumb.
You are just okay
and you don't have to run.
First step of our
recovery program
talks about being powerless
over alcohol
and I believe
in looking back on it
that that first drunk
for me
completely defined
my powerlessness
over alcohol
because since it was
the only thing
in this world
I'd ever found
that made me feel
good enough inside
that I could stand it
without running
the bottom line
was simply this
there wasn't any other
game in town
and it didn't matter
how high progression
took the cost
of that relief
and even in the years
after the relief
wasn't even there
when the only thing
that was really there
was oblivion
there was the memory
of that relief
and it was still
the only real relief
I'd ever had
of the way I felt
inside of that
discomfort
caused by my ego disorder
and until
a quarter of a century later
when a loving God
that I hadn't even asked
brought me to you people
and you people
took me by the hand
and led me through
these twelve steps
that I believe
with all my heart
are the only program
of recovery
in Alcoholics Anonymous
and those twelve steps
led me back
to that loving God
and the combination
of those things
began one day
at a time
dependent
not upon how I am
but on what I do
toward mankind
maintaining my
spiritual condition
began to fill up
that same hole
in my belly
that I'd fought with
all and run from
all my life
I didn't have any choice
I was powerless
and I had to go back
I'm not going to talk
a whole lot about
drinking tonight
I've got
I've got a drinking story
some folks have characterized it
as a horror story
I don't know
I don't remember enough
of it to really say
but I really don't
want to spend
a lot of time on it
but I never looked back
when I started drinking
I never looked back
there was never any
hiding of my drinking
there was never any
curtailing my drinking
for people
you either accepted
the way I drank
and everything about me
or you got the hell
out of my life
I really didn't have
people in my life
I had positions
and I usually had
two or three interviewed
for your position anyway
and if you didn't like
the way it was going
you could just move
right on
and I didn't miss a lick
I'd just move somebody else
into your position
whether it was
girlfriend, wife,
best friend, business partner
what?
I had somebody ready
to step into that position
and I'd go right on
during that 25 years
from the time
I first got drunk
until the time
I got sober at 37
I'm pretty sure
that I went to bed
drunk more than
80% of the time
went to Louisville
from the farm
when I was 16
I was an early
admission student
into college
school was always
easy for me
and that was part
of my cute and smart act
and I was already
drinking very
very alcoholically
I began drinking
alcoholically
the week that I
started drinking
I know now
and incidentally
one thing
Mert mentioned
the psychiatrist today
I abused my first
psychiatrist when I was 17
I don't know how many
I abused over the years
but I got a hold
of my first one
when I was 17
and I can remember
that man suggesting
to me that maybe
my problem was
alcoholism
and I can remember
thinking
well you idiot
I've known that
for a couple of years
and telling him
oh no it's not that
you don't understand
my problem
for so much deeper
than that
you don't know
how special I am
you don't know
how I see things
so much more clearly
than other people
my God I feel them
so much more acutely
and you don't know
a thing about
this ocean of compassion
and this creativity
that I've got inside me
my God doctor
my soul's just too big
for my body
I just drink
on account of that
and then I'd get
to believing that
I'd get to thinking
my drinking was
kind of like
hemophilia
to the czars of Russia
you know
it was just a price
that I had to pay
for my specialist
but at any rate
when Mert was talking
a statement
that I hadn't thought of
in years
came to mind
the psychiatrists
in general
are so well-intentioned
and so well-educated
and they try so hard
but I sincerely believe
that taking an alcoholic
to a psychiatrist
is just exactly
like taking
a jellyfish
to an orthopedic surgeon
there ain't nothing
in us
there's nothing
in us
for those folks
to work on
and I have often
just mused
sort of idly
because we're never
going to know
we're never going
to know this
but I don't think
if a practicing alcoholic
were to ever tell
a psychiatrist
the truth
that they could help
even then
but we'll never know
because I don't think
one of us
has ever told them
the truth
I worked my way
through undergraduate
law school
and graduated in 1968
and that was the year
that my daughter was born
and I started practicing
law in Louisville
in 1968
and I practiced
with a good deal
of material success
from 1968
to 1978
I was almost
exclusively
a criminal defense lawyer
and a law firm
with seven or eight lawyers
built up around
this other fellow
and myself
and we built
a three story office
building a block
from the hall of justice
there in Louisville
and I won a lot of cases
and made a lot of money
I got a lot of publicity
and I got more
and more miserable
all the time
and I'm real grateful
for those ten years
and the reason
that I'm grateful for them
is that I am so hard headed
that had it not been
for those ten years
when I got to have
pretty well an orgy
of material things
and success
I don't think
I could ever
have been convinced
that there wasn't
some combination
some combination
of money
power
booze
dope
sex
notoriety
than things
that I could get
if I could get it
just right
that I'd be alright
that I'd feel okay
inside
and I'm real grateful
that I was able
to have those years
to look back
and say no Don
and remember all the times
when I'd think
if I can just get that
if I can just get that now
that'll get it right
and I'll be okay
I'll be okay
and rest
and slide a little bit
and either I'd get that
or I wouldn't
but either way
it wouldn't be okay
and I think
that allowed me
to know the truth
when you folks
finally told me
hey Don
if you let your comfort
depend on any person
place
thing
or situation
you're gonna be
uncomfortable
when you first told me that
I thought I knew
exactly what you meant
I thought what you meant
was that if I let my comfort
depend on something
it might not work out
the way I wanted to
and then I would be
uncomfortable
but I found out
that's not what you meant
if I let my comfort
depend on it
there's no way
it can turn out
for me to be comfortable
because I've tried
to rest my comfort
on something
other than God
in these twelve steps
and there's nothing
in this world
that will support
my comfort
except God
in the twelve steps
if I let my comfort
depend on my darling wife
over here
she can do
the best things
on earth
and I will wind up
being uncomfortable
not because she did
anything wrong
but because I let my comfort
repose in the wrong place
and I'm grateful
that I had those years
for that
used a lot of drugs
other than alcohol
between 68 and 78
but I don't think
they had a lot to do
with my story
as far as
I'm concerned
I don't have two diseases
hell if I've got two diseases
I've got a hundred
because anything
that I thought
I could possibly
use or abuse
to fill up that hole
in my belly
and make me feel good enough
and I can stand it
I used and abused
and February 10th
in 1978
other than the fact
that I wound up
having a wreck
was an ordinary day
I spent the afternoon
snorting cocaine
drinking scotch
with the judge
it was Friday afternoon
and I was remarried
to my daughter's mama
does that tell you something
you don't know
nobody but alcoholics
and dope fiends
and people that are so
L-9 sick
that can't crawl
do that
and we do it all the time
hell
we not only have trouble
with the definition of marriage
we have just as much trouble
with the definition of divorce
we like to keep it
kind of vague
you know
but at any rate
I started calling around
to get somebody
to go with me
on this trip
because I need to get out of town
for a long weekend
been working too hard
and I got a whole
young lady
that I've been seeing
some of
and I went
got her
and I took some
Quaaludes
and got two jugs
of vodka
for the trip
had a new Corvette
and back in
those days
I had to get the vodka
I think
because I thought
they'd write you
a citation
if they caught you
traveling in 1978
without two bottles
of vodka
and I headed down
to West Kentucky
gonna go down
and see my daddy
and got on CB radio
and got ahold
of a truck driver
that had some
little yellow
desoxan speed beans
and he wanted
some vodka
so we pulled over
and I gave him
a jug of vodka
and he gave me
a handful of desoxan
and I made it
about 60 miles
on further down the road
close to Tennessee land
went off the road
130 miles an hour
and did a lot of bad things
to my vodka
and I got a hold of my vodka
I broke both legs
crushed both knees
lost the main artery
and one lower leg
and had to do a bypass
in the upper leg
took out a vein
grafted in
to replace the artery
it separated my pelvis
and severed my urethra
so that I didn't have
a urinary function
for over a year
I didn't go
and the first year
after the wreck
I was in the hospital
more than half that year
had half dozen
major surgeries
and the doctors
told me that
there wasn't
that they didn't believe
that I would ever walk
without at least braces
and a cane or two
and I was
and they didn't know
whether they'd be able
to find a surgeon
that was willing to try
to put my urethra
back together
so that I would have
a urinary function
just for the record
and through no fault of man
because I didn't follow
those directions
any better
than I've ever followed
any directions
in my life
I can walk
I can run
I can play tennis
without braces
or a cane
and about a year
after the wreck
we found a surgeon
that did successfully
fix my plumbing
but I didn't know
that would happen
and it didn't go broke
the first year
of the wreck
because being senior
family partner
in the firm
money kept on rolling in
and I just
well you know
it got real uncomfortable
because my daughter's mother
was real narrow minded
about the circumstances
of that wreck
she didn't like that
and I found out
that I was a lot more
comfortable between surgeries
if I'd have them
take me to that lady's house
that had been with me
when I had the wreck
rather than to my daughter's
mama's house
and I wound up
with her
well with that lady
and wound up
marrying her
but I would
lay in the hospital
that first year
and case all over
my tubes running in
carrying all sorts of fluids
in and out of my body
and I would have my
I would already have
conned the staff
wherever I was
so you know
that's the first thing
an alcoholic has got to do
is put the con
on the people in charge
wherever they go
because you know
you're going to need it
time's going to come
when you've got to have
those brownie points
in the bank
because you're going to need it
because you're going to mess up
and I would have my friends
bring booze in
and I would lay there
in that condition
and drink the booze
and I would hold it up
and say
things like this
I'd say boys
this is the only mistress
to whom I've ever been faithful
and the only one
that's ever been faithful to me
and just by God
because the price
gets a little high
we can't abandon her
and I'd drink it down
and then I'd talk about
that any Spanley's SOB
could lay down the drink
when the going
got a little rough
that it took a damn man
to realize
that when you dance
you've got to pay the piper
and the damn piper
is at the door
I'm just going to pay
the son of a bitch
and keep on dancing boys
you all do whatever
you want to about it
and I'd say
and that is real insanity
see I wasn't trying to
I didn't even make any attempt
to blame the condition
I was in on anything
but the booze
but it's also
real powerlessness
because see
I was at the same place
I was after I first drunk
there wasn't any place
in this universe
that I'd found anything
that made me comfortable
enough inside
that I could stand it
without running
so it simply
really didn't matter
that the price
had gotten that high
now about a year after
that wreck
I made what I call
my first trip to this
asylum
and I don't use the word
asylum
it'd be funny
Big Book uses that word
and a lot of the places
I was in were called
psychiatric hospitals
a lot of them were called
treatment centers
I've been in on the
the crazy side
and had them want to move me
to the substance abuse side
and I'd tell them
and mean it
oh no
no no no
I'm in the right place
tell them about the same thing
I did shrink when I was 17
about my magnificence
and the fact that
with all that
burden on me
you know
no bless or bleach
or whatever
that I just had to drink
sometimes they'd have me
on the substance abuse side
and they'd think
maybe the thing to do with me
was wheel me across the hall
and plug me into the wall
and I'd tell them
no if we can just get this stuff
out of my system
one more time
hell I'll be alright
you know
surely I've got sense enough
not to pick it up again
after going through
what you've just seen me go through
and I'd mean all that
but anyway
I got to that first one
somewhere around
the first of the year
79
and by that time
it took me three or four days
to shake out
and get through
the withdrawal
from ethyl alcohol
and those of you
who have progressed far enough
I don't have to explain that
and those of you
who have not progressed
that far
not a bit need me
trying to explain it
with all the major surgeries
I've had
with withdrawing
from hard needle
from needle
hard narcotics habits
I've never had anything
hurt me
anything get in the category
with hurting me
as much as each one
of the last say
200 times
that I had come off
ethyl alcohol
hurt me
but anyway
they got me able
to sit up in a chair
and go to an AA meeting
got me in the meeting
I still had my catheter bag
my suprapubic catheter
rammed into my belly
had my braces on
and was on crutches
and they got me
sitting there
sitting up there
in the red hat works
got step three
made a decision
to turn our will and lives
over to the care of God
as we understood him
well I clammed up
on my crutches
and said as loud as I could
do you mean to tell me
there are people in this world
who believe such shit
and I went and made
telephone calls
to get somebody
to come get me away
from those religious fanatics
before they somehow
polluted my
pristine intellect
now
I wound up getting sober
about two and a half years
after that
April the 9th
1981
yeah
and
during that two and a half years
a lot of things happened
and I
one thing
I'm not going to belabor
because I don't remember
a lot of them
but some of the things
that I do know that happened
are that
I
went back to the asylum
17 more times
as best I've ever been able
to remember
when I reapplied
for admission to the bar
they had some terrible
questions on that thing
like have you ever been
in a mental institution
and have you ever been
the defendant in a legal action
and of course
the only thing I could put
to questions like that
was see attached
and
and
I had to put
what we lawyers
call a caveat
now what a caveat is
it's saying
I have just put
all this together
to try to convince you
that it's the absolute truth
but I'm not taking
any responsibility for it
and you can't blame me
if it's wrong
so I had to put
a caveat on there
saying
you know
I really am not trying
to mislead you
if your investigation
shows up more
asylums
or more legal things
I just don't know it
I'm not trying to mislead you
another thing
that happened
was that I last
laid eyes on my daughter
in January of 1980
it turned out
I wasn't going to see her
for over three years
in February of 1983
the
I became
addicted to that
because that caused
the boys to kick me
out of the law firm
that I'd founded
and I don't think
they would ever have done that
until I died
and I proved
I couldn't get sober
in my case
as long as I had a wrist watch
I certainly wasn't
going to get sober
as long as I had a law firm
the state of Kentucky
removed my license
the internal revenue
took my part
of the office building
investments
things like that
the mortgage companies
took the big homes
I kept leaving
labs in
as I kept moving
further out
to the suburbs
and the banks
took the expensive
automobiles
and the Rolex watches
and the diamond rings
and the money
and everything
all gone
when all the money
was gone
I went down
and stole my father's
social security money
which was all he had
to keep on drinking
I badly
emotionally abused
my much older
badly crippled sister
in order to keep on drinking
I used
and used up
everything
and everybody
in my life
the last couple of years
that I drank and drugged
I assumed
that I would die
of alcoholism
and a lot of folks
here from Louisville
and some of them
knew me during those days
and I think they had
confirmed that just about
everybody that knew me
during that period of time
assumed that I would die
of alcoholism
and drug addiction
I had taken
step one largely
I didn't pick up
the first one
thinking I might
get away with it
I knew I wouldn't
get away with it
I knew something
real bad would happen
and I might die
but the pain
was so great
and that will to live
was so weak
that I had to
just keep on doing it
and I did
by the time I hit
asylum number 17
everything and everybody
was gone
no law license
no home
no car
nothing
my teeth were
rotting out of my head
my body was still
broken up from the surgery
there wasn't a human
being on earth
that ought to have
accepted a collect
telephone call from me
I was deep into
what I called
the pop off vodka
slash Listerine
stage of drinking
and believe me
I've drunk a barrel
of both of them
and I usually give
a little tip
if there's somebody
around that's not
done drinking yet
I don't want to
kill anybody
because I understand
Listerine can really
hurt or kill
some people
but in my case
even though the Listerine
cost a little more
than the pop off
the main thing was
it was available
7 days a week
24 hours a day
no more of that
4 o'clock in the morning shit
no more of waking up
and dying
those thousand deaths
and wondering
whether you can get away
with throwing a brick
through a liquor store
window
just go down
to the all night market
and get that jug
of Listerine
back in my hand
and wham
oh you will
the next thing is
it tastes a little better
than an old pop off
if you really think about it
and it always
gets me just as drunk
and I don't think
made me quite as sick
but at any rate
I was deep into that
and I hit a place
outside of Nashville
Tennessee
called Cumberland Heights
and there was
a fellow named Harold G
that was business director
there and he told me
later that he only
let me in
because he knew
he knew he'd get stiff
for the fee
he only let me in
because he didn't think
I'd live another week
if he left me on the street
got in there
and stayed a month
and I didn't stay straight
some people in there
had some dope
and I took it
I was never straight
30 days in my life
until the 30 days
following April 9th 1981
got out
and my room
mates family
there in Cumberland Heights
was involved in AA
there in Nashville
and they asked me
if I wanted to come
stay with them
a few days
out of pity
and I went and lived
with them on charity
for 11 months
and the first 5 or 6 months
I didn't get sober
on up until spring 81
but I got better
I went to a lot of meetings
down there
I got to where
I could go 2 or 3 weeks
without getting messed up
on something
and how
I really know
I got better
is they didn't put me
back in the asylum
but one time
and at the rate
I'd been going
going to the asylum
once every 6 months
was just the same as well
but at any rate
I got on a drunk
in late March of 1981
and come April the 8th
of 1981
I wound up
sitting on a bed
in the Hall of Fame
Motor Inn
down in Nashville
and I was in a brownout
which is
as far as I know
I invented that term
but it describes
it describes
the condition
in which even
if you figure
in the last 10 years
I figure I've spent
5 to 10 percent
of my adult life
and that is
where I really
was in a blackout
except there are
flashes of light
where I remember things
you know
just little
snapshots
little snapshots
of things
like some blue lights
flashing
glass breaking
women screaming
children crying
and during this flash light
there was a blonde headed
woman in my room
and I was explaining
to her that there were
two kinds of men
basically
there were men
who were psychologically
pimps
and men who were
psychologically tricks
and she was to understand
that she was messing
with Don H. Major
who was 100 percent
psychological pimp
and she was not
to forget it
and the next flash light
I was sitting on the edge
of the bed
with my head in my hands
and everything
that had been
stolen
she was gone
now
I had been on the streets
long enough
that I knew pimps
weren't supposed
to get rolled
but I don't tell that
for whatever sick humor
is in it
I tell it because
the next instant
was that I began
I know now
to get a whole lot
of gifts
from a loving God
that I had not
asked for from him
and that first gift
was that for the first time
in my life
I thought
this is not working
now you'd think
I would have figured out
by that time
that it was not working
and I thought
I had figured out
that it wasn't working
I thought I had known
for over 20 years
that my drinking
was not working
but I hadn't
what I'd been doing
for over 20 years
was thinking
if you don't quit
you're going to lose that
if you don't quit
they're going to put you there
if you don't quit
you're going to die
all those tens of thousands
if you don't quit
it's a gun
but never once before
had I thought
hey boy
you're sitting on the edge
of this bed
and you're as full
of this stuff
as you can get
and you still
can't stand
the way you feel
inside
so it's not working
anymore
so I made some calls
I think
and the folks
I was living with
let me come out there
and pass out
the lady
Frances told me
later that night
I immediately proceeded
to fall down
between the bed
and the wall
with one leg
sticking out
and then every once in a while
she'd walk in
and touch the leg
and she already
had her contingency
planned about
what to do
when she touched it
and it was cold
and it ought to be
but the next gift
that I'd gotten
was a will to live
and for you new folks
I didn't know
that I was getting
any of these gifts
until months
and sometimes years later
when I look back
the way I felt
when I was getting sober
was like my butt
was falling off
and I didn't have
any more idea
that this program
would work for me
than I had
that it would work
for a monkey
and one minute
I was sure
this program
wouldn't work for me
because of my specialness
because I was so damn smart
and my life
was so complex
and it was intertwined
with so many lives
and because I felt
things so deeply
and because I saw them
so clearly
and all that crap
and then the very next minute
I'd be thinking
this program
wouldn't work for me
you know
somebody would tell me
one of you folks
would share your story
and I'd think
yeah I know it works for you
but you don't know
about those parts of me
that are missing
you don't know
that I've never been able
to really love anything
you don't know
that I've never been able
to really accept
any responsibility at all
you don't know
that I've made
such a mess of my life
that there's nothing
to get sober for
that I'll just need
to be blown into
by some of my criminal clients
that I betrayed
in those last years
or I'll wind up
in the penitentiary
so it won't work for me
because I'm so bad
but it didn't matter
see I've got the only
disease in the world
that talks to me
and it has one objective
it's a psychopath
it doesn't care
who it kills
it only has one objective
to increase its chances
of getting a drink
and it doesn't care
who it kills
in the process
and it doesn't care
how inconsistent
the things it tells me
back to back are
but at any rate
the next gift
that I got
was a will to live
that I hadn't had before
and the way God gave me
that will to live
was with humor
because I can remember
thinking as I was
shaking out that last drunk
and I just shook it out
at the house there
I can remember
thinking
what would people do with me
if I didn't have
the common decency to die
and I got to think about
you know
you tell somebody goodbye
that's moving off to Europe
or something
you tell them
kind of an emotional goodbye
and an hour later
you run into them
at the service station
or the grocery store
and hell you don't know what to say
you know
you're shuffling your feet
and uncomfortable
and that seemed humorous to me
and incidentally
when I look back
from ten years sober
my idea
that there was no
humanly logical conclusion
to where I was
other than
my death
was not insanity
it was correct
nothing made
any human sense
on April the 8th
or 9th of 1981
except for me to die
the next gift
that God gave me
was the first little bit
of teachability
or humility
I'd ever had in my life
and the 202 club
there in Nashville
was a place where
they knew me
real real well
because during that
five or six months
I'd gone to a lot of meetings there
I had shot dope
in the men's room
I had passed out at meetings
they had warned the people
that they sponsored
to stay away from me
that I was a loser
that I was going to die
about 60 days
before I got sober
I was walking through there
and a big old tall boy
about 6'6 named Joe W.
walked up to me
and looked down
and said
Major I'm beginning to think
by God you really are
too intelligent
for this program
and I swelled up inside
like a little old
banty rooster
and thought
well it's about time
these people figured out
who they're dealing with
and he said
and that's a real shame
because we have never
had anybody too dumb
for this program
and we bury you assholes
all the time
all the time
and that grabbed me
like an icy hand
inside my chest
I knew that man
was telling the truth
and it was still stuck
in my brain
when I went back in there
three or four days
after my last drink
as soon as I was able to drag
and thank God
that the door to Alcoholics Anonymous
shrinks both ways
because those people
in 202
greeted me
with the divinely
perfect combination
of loving open arms
and an undercurrent
of disgust
and I needed both
I needed both
and I went in
and I said
hey will you folks
tell me again
what I need to do
if I want to live
and they said
we'll be glad to tell you again
Don
because it helps us
and they said
don't drink
don't take dope
and go to meetings
and by the grace of God
the first 60 days
that I was sober
I went to over 150 meetings
now my brain was yelling
Major
what are you doing
in here
with these damn
religious fanatics
in Nashville, Tennessee
for God's sake
get your head out of the sand
and get back to Louisville
and be a man
get a law license
get some money
get a pretty woman
get a Jaguar
my God boy
be somebody
but before I could
for the first time
I was able to turn around
in my brain
and say no
I know that's what you think
I know you don't understand this
I know you don't think
it'll work
but we've tried everything
we can try
and I've got to try
something else
and by the grace of God
I was able to keep on doing it
then they told me
if I wanted to live
I'd get a sponsor
and I said
and my brain yelled
the same thing
and I overruled
my brain again
and I called
Cherry Coffman
who at that time
I did not even like
didn't even like Cherry
Cherry died about
two and a half years ago
Cherry had sat around
meetings
and seemed like me
he'd kind of talk down to folk
you know
tell them who laid the rail
about the program
but I knew he knew the program
and I think it was divinely
inspired that I got to Cherry
and let me just throw in
something that's
really important to me
Cherry Coffman
is one of the most
important people
in my life
he remained
one of my sponsors
up until his death
even though I was gone
from Nashville
for the last several years
of his life
I never rolled in a car
with Cherry Coffman
I never shared a meal
with Cherry Coffman
and Cherry Coffman
never called me
except to return
a telephone call
folks when you start
looking for a sponsor
you don't have to look
for a best friend
you can have a best friend
somewhere else
he explained to me
and I believe
with all my heart
that the primary function
of a sponsor
is to be a guide
through the twelve steps
of Alcoholics Anonymous
he explained to me
that how it works
is here are the steps
we took that are suggested
as a program for recovery
he said
look through the first
hundred and sixty-four pages
of the big book
and you won't find
anything else
called a program for recovery
he said
Don what that means to you
is that you can be going
to ten meetings a week
sponsoring thirty people
talking at conventions
all over the world
and you won't find
and working part-time
in a treatment center
and if you are not
actively working
the twelve steps
of Alcoholics Anonymous
you ain't even in the
program of recovery
that you're latching on
to the fellowship
and putting a band-aid
on a terminal cancer
and that's the way
I look at sponsors
today primarily
now my sponsor
that's here tonight
is a sponsor
in all ways
including one of my
very very close friends
so it doesn't mean
that you're
and I meant to say
something about
that very night
you know
when he first started
sponsoring me
when I got back to Louisville
in 1983
we took a trip
to the Fellowship by the Sea
up in South Carolina
and we played gin rummy
all the way down
on the bus
and I played with Bernie
and didn't do too well
and then the word
got back to him
he'd just been sponsoring
me a month or two
we were just getting
to know one another
the word got back to me
through a mutual friend
that Bernie had said
you know
I really ought to tell
that damn boy
that gambling
is probably not the thing
for him to do
but I need the money
and so I said
that actually happened
but at any rate
I think if I had not
gotten a good sponsor
within a week
of my last drink
I'd die
and incidentally
of course this wasn't
one conversation
this was a series
of conversations
over weeks and months
of 202
and then I asked them
what else to do
and they said
read the big book
and I said
but I've read the big book
three or four times
and they said
yeah Don
we know you were
quoting it around here
when you were dying
I said but you were
reading it as a
philosophy book
and if you want to live
you're going to understand
that that is not
a philosophy book
and there's nothing
in this world
that you can learn
that will keep you
sober for a heartbeat
this program
of Alcoholics Anonymous
is not a learning process
it's a doing process
and if you want to live
you're going to pick
that book back up
and this time
you're going to look at it
as a simple instruction
manual for your actions
and you're going to start
at the front cover
reading line for line
and only the black part
and not interpreting
one damn thing
and if you want to live
when you get to a suggestion
that you do something
you'll get up
and go do it
and it's in a Don
in your case
on account of your
almost boundless intellect
and your experience
and your general uniqueness
it's inevitable
that you're going to run
into things in this book
that obviously
don't apply to you
and said that's fine
just do those first
you'll need them
more than anything
and by the grace of God
I was able to overrule
my intellect
and go ahead and do that
I was able to hear them
when they said
that those 12 steps
work on alcoholism
just like penicillin
works on infection
you don't have to know
a thing about infection
you don't have to know
a thing about penicillin
you just got to take
the damn pills
on the other hand
you can go to the library
and learn all there is
to know about infection
all there is to know
about penicillin
not take the pills
and you'll die
and I'm so grateful
that it was put to me
that way
that it's my actions
that make the difference
whether I live or die
and there hadn't
a one of us
ever died
from what we was thinking
not a one of us
we die from what we're doing
we live from what we're doing
I know now
then they told me
that if I wanted to live
I'd have to get down
on my knees
and ask the power
greater than myself
to get through the day
without drinking
and drugging
in the mornings
and get down
on my knees
at night
and thank that power
and I really scrawled
and I said
you know I can't do that
because that second step
is what's been killing me
see for the time
that I've been in
been around
I thought you folks
were telling me
that if I was going to live
I had to somehow
start thinking
feeling and believing
things that I simply
did not think
feel and believe
and I had sincerely
tried to find
the switches inside me
to flip
to make me think
feel and believe
that you see
if I had to put
my disease
in a sentence
it would simply be this
my disease always has been
and always will be
believing that
what I think
feel and believe
is the ultimate reality
and that's got to
get straightened out
so I can act right
and if I had to put
my recovery in a sentence
it would be
that
if I'll act right
regardless of what
I'm thinking
feeling and believing
everything is going
to be alright
and I'll probably
wind up thinking
feeling and believing
a little better
so they told me
that if I wanted
well they also told me
I said first place
we don't know
where you got this idea
that you were supposed
to think
feel and believe
because in the first place
you are
way too sick
to have any valid
thoughts, feelings
or beliefs
so in the second place
your thoughts, feelings
and beliefs
are your disease
and your disease
is your thoughts, feelings
and beliefs
and there's not even
any overlap
they're one and the same thing
and the third thing
whether you live or die
is going to be
determined solely
by what you do
what you think
feel or believe
will have nothing
to do with it
so you get down
on your knees
and say the words
it matters
it could matter less
what you think
so I started acting
as if in the miracle
of the second step
happened
I came to believe
and I've been sober
about 60 days
and I was beginning
to think
hey you know
maybe there's something
to this God stuff
you know
maybe it's going to work
and somewhere
between 60 and 90 days
I went to Cherry
made an appointment
with him
went out there
and I thought
I was going to
astound him
sort of like Jesus
did in the temple
when he was 12
you know
with my new found
spiritual ever addition
and I started talking
about the fanner points
of spirituality
and the relationship
with the third step
and the eleventh step
and that sort of thing
and Cherry said
wait a minute
wait a minute
don't quote it
we know you can do that
paraphrase the third step
tell me what it is
and I said
well it's
turning my life
and will over to God
and he said
no no no no
it's making a decision
to turn your will and life
over to the care of God
you understand
I said well Cherry
that's splitting hairs
he said Don
it's really difficult
for me to get up
on your intellectual level
but I'm going to try
let's suppose
that there are
three frogs
sitting on a log
and one decides
to jump and find
how many are left
on the log
and I said two
he said no you dumbass
three
he just decided
he hasn't gone anywhere
and then he explained to me
that I can stand here
tonight and make
an intellectual decision
and tell you folks
hey I'm going
to New York City
in the morning
and I've made the decision
but I won't get out
of Georgia
unless I make
a whole series
of thought out actions
and planned actions
to do it
and he said Don
if you ever hear
anybody wondering
whether they've taken
the third step or not
don't worry about it
they haven't
because the third step
is not a vague thing
it's described
in the big book
probably more specifically
than any of the other
eleven steps
and if a person
hasn't gone in a room
preferably with another
understanding person
and gotten on their knees
and said words
somewhat
different
somewhat
similar to those words
on page 63
of the big book
and intended at that time
to be making a decision
to turn their will
and life over to Karagol
they hadn't done
the third step
they may have thought
about the third step a lot
they may have prayed
about the third step a lot
they may have talked
about the third step a lot
they hadn't done the third step
the way the big book
says to it
so I said okay
and I did that
but I still knew
where the complication was
see turning Don Major's
life and will over to God
had to be something
on the order of
a Cecil B. DeMille movie
with the trumpets
and spreading the whole
thing out
and God now
was going to walk
up and down
and I was going to
point out a few things
and he was going to say
gee Don I never thought
of that
yeah we'll switch that
and then I'd have
the whole God's will
laid out
and I could go
on automatic pallet
so I knew it had
to be complicated
and I said okay
now that I've made
the decision
to turn my life
and will over
how do I do it
I said that's just
simple Don
when you made
that decision
you're only deciding
to do two things
number one is
work the rest of the steps
and use them in your life
the rest of your life
work one through nine
and then live on
ten through twelve
for the rest of your life
and number two is
as you go through
life
you're going to try
to do the next
right thing
instead of the next
thing you want to do
when they're in conflict
and he explained to me
that if I would do
those things
I wouldn't have to
sit around meetings
and wonder about
things
turning things over
to God
that God would make
my life and will
what he would have it be
and I spent ten years
trying to prove him wrong
and I haven't been able to
and then he told me
that I'd never get a glimpse
of God's will
except for me
in the instant
and that if I ever
thought I knew
God's will
for somebody else
to get the hell
to a meeting
if I ever got to
studying
about God's will
for me for next
Tuesday to get the hell
to a meeting
because I was screwed up
that the only glimpse
of God's will
I'd ever get
was what the next
right thing for me
to do was
but he also told me
that if I would be still
and if I would pray
and if I would ask for it
that I'd get that
where to take
that next stitch
just exactly
if I wouldn't waste
my time and energy
peeping around
trying to look at the pattern
see where God's gone
where he's been going
and all that sort of thing
when I do that
I stitch all over the board
but he was right
if I'll just leave
the pattern up to God
and take that next stitch
I invariably look back
and he's been reading
something far more beautiful
than I could even
have imagined
then as I started
to leave the chair
I said by the way
on the next page
in this book
it says that the third step
won't have much
permanent effect
unless it's followed
at once by a fourth step
I said if the book
had meant
that it was to be followed
when your group
thinks you're ready
or when you think
you can do it
without getting drunk
or when you see
a burning bush
and you know it's time
to do a fourth step
it said that in the book
but it doesn't
it says third step
won't have much effect
unless it's followed
at once by a fourth step
so don't call me
bitching about
your third step
evaporating
if you haven't done
a fourth step
I'm glad he did that
and he took me by the hand
and led me through that
and I did my fifth step
with him
then I blew right past
six and seven
and I started working
on eight and nine
and by the time
I celebrated my
token birthday
in Nashville
and I had let go
of ever getting
my law license back
and that was reasonable
for me to do that
and I had quit
demanding of God
that I ever in this life
see my daughter again
I had been able
enough to live
and to get by
and I got to know
more joy in Nashville
dead broke
never could find a job
in Nashville
lived in a little
old attic
no phone
no car
nothing
and happier
than I'd ever been
in my life
up there teeth
rotting out
and just happy
as a pig in mud
really was
in fact some days
things all roll in there
and I'm driving
big cars
and answering telephones
and pressure coming
here and there
and I get to think
man that attic
is alright
you know
but at any rate
I had let go
of those things
and then doing
steps eight and nine
about a year and a half
sober
my law license
got put back in order
purely as a byproduct
of doing steps
eight and nine
I'm convinced
that if I
had made
getting my law license
back the objective
that I not only
wouldn't have gotten
it back
that I'd have died
and I came back
to the old
and started practicing
law in January
1983
was terrified
by the way
was terrified
that AA
would be different
in law
they wouldn't be
able to make it
but I did the right
thing
by the grace of God
I got up there
and I threw myself
in the program
even though I was
afraid
hey AA
is about the same
everywhere
and in February
1983
I saw my daughter
for the first time
in April 1983
she moved in
looked like she was
moving in with me
but I don't really
think she did
she moved
in with my God
and with these
12 steps
and you people
you see I destroyed
my relationship
with my daughter
I Don Major
have no right
to a relationship
with my daughter
I Don Major
have no right
to a law license
back
I've got one
with my name
on it
but as far as
I'm concerned
the Supreme Court
of Kentucky
issued it to God
the 12 steps
and you folks
because I've had
those things
for me
and nobody
could have made
it
they could mess
up
in the years
since I've been
back in Louisville
a lot of nice
things have happened
um
I've had
a lot of nice things have happened
I began to talk
at lots of
AA meetings
and talked at a convention
soon after getting back
and started sponsoring
people
and I've sponsored
up to 35 people
at one time
and I've talked
at some conventions
over the years
and you know
I've got people
that say
gee Don
you're doing so good
and Don
missed that
and there were
areas in my life
that were just
absolutely going
to hell
in a handcart
primarily
relationships
with opposite sex
and finances
and those two things
are the things
that I worked
the very hard
on
for the first
nine years
of my sobriety
you see
I know now
I didn't know
I didn't know
two years ago
but I know now
that what I did
in April 1981
I tried every way
I knew to drink
and I couldn't
and I tried every way
I knew not to drink
and I couldn't
and I did turn that
over to God
and a day at a time
but the grace of God
I'm never taking it back
but I jumped down
in the trenches
and started doing
hand to hand combat
with every other
character defect
I've got
and I did combat
with prayer
the steps
talking to sponsors
talking to other
people
with outside
counseling
when it seemed
appropriate
with rigorous honesty
I did combat
with the right tools
but what I was doing
I was grabbing
hold of whatever
character defect
was making me
uncomfortable
at the moment
and I was saying
hey God
I got him
cornered
get down here
right now
we're going to
get rid of this
son of a bitch
today
because you see
for the first
nine years
that I read
and prayed
the seventh step
prayer
I thought that
prayer said
that I was asking
God to remove
all of my defects
of character
and finally
after nine years
of sobriety
I figured out
that ain't what it says
it says
remove those
defects of character
that stand in the way
of my usefulness
to you and my fellows
folks I don't know
which ones they are
my most uncomfortable
character defect
may be just precisely
what one of you folks
need to see tonight
to get you to a place
that you need to be to
I don't know
which ones
are in the way
of God
and my fellows
I spent all those years
trying to get God
to remove
whatever character defect
was making myself
in a little
butt uncomfortable
and I said
nowhere in the book
does it say
that this is ever
going to happen
and see I also thought
that I could do it
I hadn't accepted
that the Father
does the work
and the Father
must do the work
I've got to do
the footwork
but you know
a doctor doesn't heal
a doctor creates
an environment
in which healing
can take place
and God heals
a farmer doesn't grow
a farmer creates
an environment
in which growth
can take place
and God grows
and I got an additional
sponsor about a year
and a half ago
up in Cleveland
and that's where
I got all that
six and seven step stuff
you know those folks
have been sober
a long time up there
I flew up there
for the weekend
they had one old boy
that used to drink
with Dr. Bob
and it seemed like
all
seriously
and it seemed like
that all they talked
to me about
was six and seven
six and seven
don't fight
the character defects
you can't demand
that God remove this
and you can't heal
yourself of any
of the other
character defects
any more than you
could heal yourself
of drinking
God must do it
and I came back
and I started doing that
and some beautiful
things happened
in my life
I had given up
on my opposite sex
or given up
on a stable relationship
with opposite sex
I hadn't got quite
that sanctum on this
but I had given up
on a stable relationship
and there was a beautiful
red headed school teacher
that my daughter
had gone to school
with her daughter
and I'd had a thing
for her for years
and I thought
well I'll just check
and see if she's still around
and I didn't try
to do anything
I didn't have any objective
I just tried to do
God's will
step at a time
and that's the right thing
and you know
I can mess up
this relationship
with Sharon
I can get drunk too
but I'm going to have
to do either one of them
ain't you
convinced of that
because it's more beautiful
than I could have imagined
it being
some things have gone
not so well
in the last couple of years
my daughter became
my best friend
she got into Al-Anon
got a black belt
in Al-Anon
we shared all sorts
of things together
and just closest
the envy of everybody
in the relationship
about two years ago
she got pissed off at me
and I still don't know
when
doesn't even like me
and I had to go through
letting go of that baby
all over again
and I had to remember
hey
that ain't your baby
you know
you destroyed
your relationship
with your daughter
and look at that beauty
that God gave you back
you take what you got today
you do the next right thing
and you go right on
and you let her do
what she needs to do
and I'm comfortable
with that today
the most important thing
in my sobriety
to me today
is not missing
a morning or a night
getting on my knees
and asking God
to get me through
without drinking
and drugging
and thanking him at night
that is so important to me
that if I were to say
I don't think I've missed
a day in the last
ten years plus
and if I were to choose
not to do that tonight
and choose not to do that
in the morning
I wouldn't really think
I deserved
and I don't think
I'd even expect
a day of sobriety tomorrow
for me I think
I can have no spirituality
if I'm not willing
to proceed
from those few seconds
of humility and gratitude
on my knees
in the morning
and at night
some days
I get to looking
at my life today
and I think
my God
nature
you are really
no better
all this is going on
and that's going on
and you're not any better
and I get all confused
and now I got to remember
what Jerry told me
about that
he said
the only thing
that's going on
the only valid comparison
that I can ever make
as long as I live again
is to compare today
to the last day
that I drank
when I did that
when I do that
on any day
I usually come up
with something like this
I haven't wet
my britches today
nobody is trying
to put me back
in the asylum today
nobody is trying
to put me
in the penitentiary today
I haven't stolen
anything today
I don't even remember
having told any lies today
I've got a place
to go to work
and the last day
I was supposed to go to work
I went to work
hey
I'm a hell of a lot better
I'm one hell of a lot better
than I was
and when I can keep that
in focus
I'm fine
and in closing
I apologize
for getting wound up
but if any of y'all were done
you could have left
I wouldn't have believed
what I was saying
and in closing
I want to say
that the last year and a half
of my sobriety
for me
has been kind of a return
to something
that I had
and I think I lost
and that is simply this
anytime
that I think
there is any more
to this whole deal
of recovery
and this whole deal
of my life
other than these steps
and doing the next right thing
instead of the next thing
I want to do
and you know
usually the thing
that I want to do
is not motivated
by greed
lust
it's usually fear
I'm usually afraid
that if I do the right thing
I'll lose something
I've got
or I won't get something
I want
but anytime
I think
that it's any more
complicated than that
I'm confused
and I want to thank
the host committee
and thank all of you
for your patience
thank you