A Material Solution to a Spiritual Problem – Hector E.

I'd like to now introduce our guest speaker for the evening, Hector E. from Los Angeles, California. Hello everybody, my name is Hector and I am an alcoholic. Finally I made it to New Jersey. I'm so happy. Thank you. I want to thank Jersey Mike I call him Jersey Mike for inviting me to speak here it's always a pleasure you know to participate in means of Alcoholics Anonymous and also Kathy for being such a lovely host I'm going to stay with them tonight and now I tell you my story remember whatever I said from the podium is just my experience in my opinion unfortunately happened to be very opinionated and I may be wrong but I'm never in doubt I've been sober 24 years and my home group is Robinson original some Sunday mornings I want to tell at the very beginning my father was an Arab my mother was an Italian I was born in Argentina I'm glad you think it's funny I think I came out Japanese there were poor they were illiterate they were violent they dressed badly and they smelled even worse she were poor poor like in argentina you're poor in this country's middle class all around the world uh we didn't have you know uh floors dirt floors wouldn't have running water we don't have no heat and um and my parents were very very violent but i didn't know they were violent until i came to aa here they give you all these problems you know one of my sponsors after i told him my story said oh hector you were an abused child really you see my mother used to chain me to a sewing machine that was nothing bad really it doesn't you know she was an equal opportunity chaner you know as she changed my kids listed on the dog you know should disagree with you it's not big deal just sit there counter tile and maybe day dream about masturbation you know you're 12 years old what are you gonna do what she used to do the really really scared me and probably marked me for the rest of my life was that when I would do something mischievous is that Hector I'm not going to chase after you he had to come to sleep so when I was sound sleep at 1 o'clock at night she wouldn't cover me and beat me out with a shoe or a piece of wood so from the until I left home when I was 18 I really always slept totally covered because I didn't know what's coming my father was a little more violent he would get a knife for a gun and we all would run to the streets because he was going to kill us you know and I'm not telling you this because it has anything to do with my alcoholism I'm telling you do this because I'm going to tell you how I dealt with it after I got sober how I heal of these two relationships because that's what we do in a a I always knew I was going to be okay I was coming to America I knew was coming to Americans is I was eight years old I used to keep magazines American magazines and they dream someday I'm going to be with them and I had a little room in the back. It was not a room, it was like a chicken coop, you know, in the back and I fixed it and I had all my American magazines and my dreams in that little room. I didn't belong to them. I was different. And I saved myself because when I was 12, I got out of the house, I became an athlete and I would drop the books and go to the gym. When I was 18, I left the house and when I was 24 I came to America oh by the way I can hear legally okay so don't don't get any funny idea if you don't if you like my pitch you cannot send me back to Argentina and I'm American citizen you're screwed that is it and of all the places in the world it will kick board from Argentina where do I go New York New York and I just I remember you know I will always remember my first night I arrived late the night it was like 11 o'clock in this cheap little hotel and I went out of my Park Avenue and I looked at all these huge buildings build the black built you know with glass and steel and I just couldn't believe it but man could do that Remember, I come from a little town in Argentina, a village almost. So this was enormous and I fell in love with America and I'm still in love with America. I've been a citizen now for 35 years. I got into advertising and I worked real hard and within 18 months working advertising, I went to Europe. I saved enough money to go to Europe, that's incredible in Argentina in 1961 only the millionaires could go to And I visited all the museums and all the churches, and I saw all the most beautiful art in the world. And I don't know where that comes from because there wasn't a single painting in my entire house. I always loved art and beauty because my house was filthy and messy. So I always wanted to be surrounded by beauty and order. When I came back from Europe, you know, I was always an isolator, you Know. It's just like I felt I was different. And I said, I wanted to socialize. And they told me in order to socialized, I have to go to a bar. In America, we go to the bar to socialise. And Argentina still didn't do that. Now they do it. They copy everything we do here. And so I prepare my go to bar. I've never been to a bottom my entire life. And I always want to be very anal. I like to do things very properly. And one of the things I didn't like and I still don't like is my accent. You know, I didn' t know I had an accent until I took this lady to Radio City Music Hall, I remember. It was a picture with Rock Hudson and Gina Labrigida. And I said to this young lady, I said, boy, Gina has thick accent. And she says, oh no, no, it's very lovely, just like yours. Do I have accent? Yes, and it's adorable. I could have killed her you know what I mean I went home and bought a tape recorder the next day and I listened to myself caca caca caca I sounded like Frito Bandido you know what I means now I sounded my parents my parents were foreigners they had accents I detested them because there was so different you know I wouldn't be caught dead with my parents in the streets in argentina you know so now i'm going to go to a bar i'm going to socialize i got into my three-piece suit from brooks brothers oh yes i forgot to tell you my first dream when i came here you know it was to be a wasp i wanted to be awash can we make this a little higher i wanted it to be wasp you know but in those days 1961 i had a big black afro you know and a black mustache coming down to here and no matter how well i dressed i always looked like a mexican yuppie you know what i mean i just didn't make it you know but i wanted to sound properly so i'm going to go have a drink in the american bar so i practice in the mirror right i got into my three-piece suit from brooks brothers i look in the middle go like this you know excuse me whiskey please you know and I practiced for like an hour how to order a drink you know whiskey I wanted to be sophisticated some of you all the guys remember wreck have Rex Harrison my I want it to be Rex Harrison that's it so I walked into this bar he was so strange it was full of Mormons you know I didn't you know they looked like moments All these guys were tall, blonde, crew cuts and dark suits and dark ties. I thought it was a Mormon bar. See, I didn't know Mormons don't drink. You know what I mean? The only Americans I knew in Argentina were the Mormon missionaries. They used to come to a little town in Argentina, a little village, to try to change us from unhappy little Catholics to unhappy little Mormons. And they all looked the same, dark suits, dark tie, and crew cut. So I said, this must be a Mormon Bar. You know, and the bartender came over, this tall blonde man, and says, If English to us is like Spanish to you, when you don't know it, it sounds like gibberish, right? But I was prepared. I said, And he looked at me and goes, And I said again, Now in hindsight, I realized he was asking me what kind of whiskey on the rocks with soda. I don't understand. I kept saying whiskey. Whiskey got pissed. so he grabbed this bottle with a beak I've never seen one of those bottles and a little shot glass I've ever seen a shot glass I don't know what a shot class is and he poured this piss like substance inside this little glass and he put the little glass in front of me and I look at the little glass why did he give me such a little glass and I looked around all the moments that tall glasses is maybe he's trying to punish me because I'm not a Mormon you know what I mean I don't know or maybe get a little rest because I short I donno but I tried to act macho right I picked up the glass and I swallowed the whole thing in one take it was awful he came out of my ears my nose my oh I almost died and this moment that was standing next to me who looked like Gregory Pekin to kill the mockingbird he said in Spanish por que no prueba Cuba Libre why don't you try Cuba Libres oh easy to pronounce Spanish Cuba Libra por favor Cuba Libro Cuba Libre and rum and coke I loved it I'm addicted to sugar I'm really I am really addicted to sugar and I loved and from then on I drank everything with coke scotch and coke vodka and Coke. And finally, I graduated to my drink of choice, okay? Sangria and Coke, don't knock it before you try it, you don't know. You see, anything that was sweet, I loved. Anything that had an umbrella on it, any drink that I just loved, you know? And I began drinking a lot. And I didn't drink because I liked drinking. I drank because I didn' t like anything about myself you see I didn't like anything I remember once I read the Leonardo da Vinci and he was a genius he said that perfectly proportion man is seven times ten times the size of his head so I measured this in his extra large okay according to that I'm supposed to be 72 inches tall every time I looked in the mirror so this little midget with this huge head. And he was bigger than I had the afro, remember? You see my nose? It looks like a bell pepper, right? I'm glad you think it's funny. I had a nose job. I'm the only person I know who looks exactly the same before and after. I went home, my mother didn't realize I had an nose job, I'm so pissed. So that's why I drank, because I didn't like anything about myself. And when I drank, I was tall. I was good looking. I spoke perfect English. I was a loud asshole. That's what I was. And I got beat up a lot and thrown out of places, you know? And I began drinking a lot, and really fast, because I was always isolated. I read a book once called Loneliness, the Fear of Love. You don't have to read it. That said you know because you know if you get to know me you're not going to like me so I keep you at a distance and I had my first suicide attempt and I don't remember why don't ask me why I'm very sensitive probably the door man didn't say good morning to me and I'm gonna kill myself I'll teach him a lesson you know and I am I took about 40 pills and it was phenomenal I still remember the feeling it was like a horizontal line that really really was like this horizontal line coming down he was so peaceful he's so wonderful I don't have all I had to conquer New York so peaceful of course it was I was dying but the phone ran I'm in my deathbed that I'm nosy so I picked up the phone it was my friend Rudy and really realized you know within a minute what I had done and he said heck if you don't call me from the hospital and team in five minutes I called the cops click he hung up oh my god I want to be dead but I don't want the cops in my house how embarrassing you know so I floated to Bellevue it's only two blocks away from where I was and they pumped my stomach and made me see shrinks and I began seeing shrinks and there were all very good shrinks that couldn't help me because I never told him the truth and I could drink in some more and I had my second suicide attempt I threw myself in front of a bus by the way when I came to a I didn't think my life was unmanageable people throw themselves in front the budgets all the time and and I couldn't believe it why I was so unhappy I didn't know I don't know why I'm so happy and because I had achieved the American dream I had the Brooks Brothers suits the Bloomingdale furniture you know I had a beautiful apartment the beautiful you know view of Manhattan I know why you told me why when I came here he told me that was looking for a material solution to a spiritual problem and you told me nothing nothing that I can see with my eyes can fix my inside nothing have the girlfriend boyfriend house money all those things are wonderful the job not the death and really solve my inner problem it's a spiritual problems and it needs a spiritual solution I didn't know that I thought if I had all the things I have seen the American magazines, I was going to be happy. And I knew I was gonna be happy and it's gonna make me happy. If all these things did not make me happy, I'm gonna become an actor. And when I am famous, everybody's gonna love me. And I was gonna be the greatest actor in the world. I was gonna do Richard III in London better than Olivier. That's kind of difficult when you can't speak English, you know. So I became an actor, you know, and I got this commercial. If I see myself in a commercial, I'm going to be okay. Two commercials, three commercials. Oh, Hector, caca, cacacaca. Any idiot can do commercials. Even Joe Namath does commercials. No, no, you have to do theater, Hecto, theater. And God said, okay, little smug, I'll show you. And I got into this play at the public theater for Joe Papp. And it was so phenomenal, the success that took us to Broadway. And we won all the awards on Broadway. And I still was a piece of garbage. I still felt like a pieceofgarbage. And one day I came to about 2 o'clock in the afternoon and I had a moment of clarity. i realized what my problem was my problem is new york this is an unfriendly hostile city you know horrible people i had to move to a more friendly caring nurturing place so i moved to hollywood and you know if you're an isolator you know you go in new yorke you go down the elevator open the doors 10,000 people they're all ready to mug you but they're there right in LA to get mugged you need a car everything is three miles away I got more isolated and you know I that was in the 70s you know and I was a Latino actor with this mustache in the black hair and I did a lot of bad guys I guess star in many shows you know and I was always killing people molesting women selling children smuggling dope you know I always end up in jail I would get killed I've been handcuffed on TV more times of the Menendez brothers you know what I mean I was really always killed and I thought if I get a Mercedes you know I was gonna get it to be okay and I bought a Mercedes got actually God actually stole my Mustang and I bought a Mercedes. And I used to walk the Mercedes in front of the building, one of those big windows, look at myself in the window well look at Hector he has a Mercedes! And at night I would get drunk go down to the garage and shine my Mercedes in my pajamas and baby talk to my Mercedes in Spanish. My life was not unmanageable, you know. And that didn't fix it. So finally, I got this part, you now, in a movie of the week called Wanted, The Sundance Woman, which is the sequel to Butch Cassidy. Catherine Ross was the lead. And I'm going to play a good guy. I'm going to be Pancho Villa's right-hand man, and I am going to save the girl. I couldn't believe it. I got the part. I go home, and the director calls me and says, Hector, we forgot to ask you a question. Can you ride a horse? Can I ride a horse? I'm a gaucho from Argentina. I was born on a horse. I lied. So we get to Tucson with all the interiors now we're going to do exteriors we're gonna ride around the jail and say Catherine Ross right now if you write properly this is the horse this is you nice when they put me on top of that stupid animal this is what I did the director didn't think it was funny he had a heart attack why did you lie we ask you oh god he went on and on and they made me practice they put me on top of a stupid animal I hate horses for four hours I couldn't get off the horse when I got off I could not get my legs together I walked like this and on top of that my ass was a huge blister I couldn t sit so I went to the store bathroom Watson sangria and coca-cola and I drank half a gallon sangria with some coca cola the next day I show up on the set of excuse me sir I cannot do the scene my ass is a huge blister Hector we don't give a shit you see behind you it's 200 extras we cannot hire them tomorrow we have to do it today so what they do this, they put some wet towels on that thing, what do you call that thing? The saddle. And the Marlboro guys, you know, the Wranglers, put me on top of it. It's so embarrassing. I'm playing this heavy-duty macho bandito, right? Bullets across the chest, the guns, the mustache, the hat, sitting on wet towels, you knows what I mean? Now we're going to save Catherine Ross. So they give me the gun. They say, Hector, don't cock the gun until you're galloping and shoot only in the air because if I get you this close I'll blow your eyes out remember that we're looking guys who play Russian roulette and kills himself for the blank they're very dangerous I have a hangover I look behind me 200 Mexicans on horses if I fall I'm dead so the way they do it is the six of us principles are lined up the rangers hold the horses and they action, slap the horses in the ass and we take off. So the guy is there I'm going to cheat. I'm gonna cut the gun. You know what I mean? At least I'll get one shot out and I hold it like this right? And the horse goes boom! Oh my god, I shot the ranger in the arse. He didn't think it was funny. You know what I means? So we do the take. We're going to do a retake. Now he's holding the horse like this okay? I'm an alcoholic but I'm not stupid. I cocked the gun again. Now, I'm not going to hit that man again. He's going to kill me. I put it next to my leg. And the horse goes, boom! Oh, my God. I shot my leg! My costume is in flames. I don't care. I have to save the girl. I'm an alcoholic, right? And it started galloping and the flames started coming up. You know what I mean? By the end of the take, it was like a torch on top of a horse. so we got to the end of the tape they go bananas i don't feel nothing i have a hangover right i have a hole about this big on my calf but i don t feel nothing they threw me on the floor the blanket they put the fire out rushing me to the hospital and uh i had to be in the hospital for a month because they had to perform two operations one to remove their infection because he got infected and to his king graft while I was in the hospital my agent didn't send me flowers and you know I'm very sensitive you don't send me flowers I kill myself I'll teach you a lesson so I call my friend I Irene here to bring me the pill so by the way I never took pills or only once I just had old 30 40 pills because I want to kill myself all the time I only took one pill once I was in the gym and this guy gave me a black beauty he said if you oh you guys are really junkies he said to me if you take one of these you're going to have so much energy hector i took it i couldn't stop cleaning my apartment i cleaned my entire apartment one day twice i was dusting the feelings you know what i mean i was planning my life you know writing writing. The only thing, I couldn't close my mouth. I was like this. Never again. Jesus Christ. And so I asked Irene to bring the pills and I took about 40 of them. And that was my last and best suicide attempt. Only in AA people laugh when I say that. I said voice to my friend of mine said oh my god you almost died we're alcoholics with that all the time and i was in coma for three days in intensive care unit uh my heart stopped twice it had to revive me twice i basically was dead for three day you know and um yeah they revived me twice And I had everything. I had a new Mercedes, you know, I had the most beautiful wardrobe you've ever seen. I had an amazing car. I had gorgeous apartment. I had enough money in the bank to live a whole year without working, you know? And the only thing I didn't have was Hector. I was just an empty shell, nothing inside. One of you described me when I came here. You know, he said, I was a huge ball fear covered with a little human skin that was me the books just equates fear with a thief because it robs us of our lives you know remember then the fourth step that I think is a third of last column fear fear fear here it's a overwhelming quality of all alcoholics anyway my shrink sent me here you're an alcoholic had to go to a yeah and I've been sober you know 24 years and I fell in love with a I call they ate the mafia of love newcomers once you come to a few meetings you can't get out we are everywhere newcomers especially when you're coming out of the 7-eleven or one o'clock at night with a little brown bag somebody's gonna say hi we haven't seen your meeting how are you they do that don't they anyway newcomers stay with us nobody wants you anyway it's either this or one flew the cuckoo's nest now I say with us to let us love you until you learn how to love yourself I'm going to speak another 15 minutes I'm gonna talk a little bit about the steps in my program I like to make people laugh because we're supposed to be happy joyous and free and when we laugh as a communion you know of the spirit well God is present and he's being heard anyway I worked the steps you know with my first sponsor in there and I did my immense and everything but I didn't understand the steps until I had like 14 years sobriety and people say you know the steps in order to achieve sobriety yes the end result of the steps of sobriete before me just for me the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous are spiritual tools to develop a conscious contact with God and if I do that the obsession will be removed do you notice there were recovery is not mentioned 12 steps or alcoholics anonymous there was sobrieti it's not mentioned in the 12-steps not even the name of our disease alcoholism this one name one thing is mentioned nine times check it out that word is God alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful but there is one not two or three one capital O that has all the power and then they named it that one is God may you find him now and that's what I believe the The 12 steps are really spiritual tools for me to become one with this indwelling power that's ever been there inside of me. Because my sonship, my relationship with God has no beginning and no end. It is eternal, and that's what I believe. But I had a problem with God because I come from a Catholic background. And my God was not a loving God. My God was a punishing God. my God looked like Charlton Heston and he behaved like Leona Hemsley she had no he had no patience for the little people and I found this description that I always read you know I should know by heart but I'm senile I don't remember nothing and it's by Joel Goldsmith I read a lot of his books he was a spiritual giant a great myth of physician and he said and this applies only to me not to you regardless of how high my concept of God is it is wrong because it is still a concept eventually I have to lose all concepts and reach the consciousness like conscious contact the consciousness that God is and then leave the subject alone because with the mind i'm never going to know what god is and the big books is the same thing on page 46 even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that power which we call god page 46. and then the book says page 53 we had to fearlessly face the proposition that god is everything or else he's nothing god either is or he isn't what was our choice to be and also the god the book tells me where to find god because i thought he was floating somewhere you know in a cloud the book tell me you know it says with page 55 we found the great reality deep down within us in the last analysis it is only there that he may be found it was so with us and that's what I believe that God is how can I define a spiritual entity that takes care of six billion people at the same time once great theologians and great spiritual and religious authorities had not been able to do it for 2,000 years. But I believe that God is. Somebody said a temple, a synagogue or a church is the house of God. But in a meeting, it's God's workshop. And I love that. And that came to believe just for me. Remember, this is for me, not for you. That God is incomplete without us because he loves through us. He needs our hands, our hugging, I was kissing, I was smiling. That's why God says, if you believe in me, I am. We are God's secret weapon and that's what I believe. I also believe that God loved me so much that he created me in his own image and likeness. And whatever I am, God is, always. That's what we say when we say our father, right? Our father. If he's our father we are his children God's DNA is inside of all of us and that's what I believe and as I said you know people say the steps are tools to achieve sobriety yes the end result survivors to me to me just tools to achieve that conscious contact with God and that there's a thing on page 32 12 and 12 the fact was we really had my clean house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession therefore we remain self-deceived and showing people were incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity oh so that's what I have to receive enough of god's grace and what is god's grace the book doesn't say 12 and 12 doesn't say so i had to read other other books and take some courses and the simplest version of godís grace is godís great is an unmerited gift that's it i made a little more complicated by saying godís ways cannot be earned or deserved godís race is not happening in the future god's grace is operating in me right this second god's great is the essence of my entire life god's ways is god in me and that's what i believe and i believe the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous i have spiritual tools to cleanse me inside so god can use me you see the first step says i have a problem the second step i need a solution the first step says that solution is god i had to turn my will in my life to god and how do i do what is my will you taught me my will is my thoughts somebody said many years ago as a man thinketh so he is thoughts are things look around you everything you're wearing this church that wall this table everything is started with a thought so i had to be careful what i think because they will manifest in my life at an emotional level or physical level and what if my life you taught me my life is my actions a man or a woman is not judged by what he wears what he drives how much money he makes a man or woman is judged by his actions emerson said your actions speak so loud i cannot hear what you say that's it how do i turn my will of my life over to the care of god and what does that mean means putting god first means they have to live a life based on spiritual principle and what is the spiritual principle i didn't know it's principle of spiritual principle is let me see if i remember i know especially i'm deniable truth a spiritual principle that's not debatable in all spiritual principles absolute love is a spiritual principal forgiveness prosperity peace so now i have to cleanse this so god can use me because that's all i am the channel for which god can shine i or myself i'm nothing the book says so what is the cleansing i had to do four and five all those character defects i have to do that then i go go into six and seven i see if i forgot anything that humbly asked god to remove these characters effects and i know when i did the steps i have the character effects and the spiritual principles opposite to it so when i ask god to remove this character defect i have a goal set for me that's what it has to be replaced with am i ready to receive god's grace well not really you see when i was drinking i did harm to all of those people out there four and five as a relationship with myself eight and nine is my relationship with the universe I had to make amends to all those people on my way to receive God's grace yes notice that the promises start coming after a ninth step the bill Wilson who wrote the big book in the twelve and twelve knew we were alcoholics and as alcoholics we're going to screw up on a daily basis so he gives us a daily tool to clean the channel so the gut can use me or be what where the book says to be a maximum use to god and those about us i'm not used to god if i'm full of resentment anger envy jealousy so i had to be cleansed so we do 10. what happens after 10 how do i improve my relationship with god prayer and meditation are the two most important vehicles to have that conscious contact with god of god it's a funny definition that my friend harvey in my group has a prayer and meditation i'm going to tell you he says when you talk to god is called prayer when god talks back to you it's called schizophrenia okay yes i have to talk to god and what is prayer prayer is not begging deal making supplicating prayer is just i talk to God to align myself with the will of God that's all there's no deal making with God and the most important the most important quality in prayer is faith. Prayer without faith is useless. Pray believing that the gift is already given, because remember, it's the Father's great joy to give you the kingdom. So pray knowing that a gift is always given. And then I do prayer, I mean meditation where's meditation I go within to shut out you know the world of conditions and circumstances because that's another reality that's not my life my life is inside of me this is not Hector what you're seeing this is the physical manifestation but a real hectares inside if that's God's grace that's my spirit and that's really untouched that I'm soiled and that will God lives and that was step support to get in touch with that divinity which is inside of all of us and then I shut up and go within to listen to the still most small voice and it's a bit funny the first 11 steps end up in meditation silence and why is that I believe just for me silence is the language of God be still and know that I am God he doesn't say run around talking your cell phone in your sandwich and man in driving and know I am god be still Hector's be still active and what do I do after 11 we do service the book says it three times faith without works is dead I can sound like Mother Teresa from the podium but if I don't fulfill my three commitments you know in my home group I don' have a program you see things are given to me to use they're not given to keep I don keep nothing and if I don't give it away the flow stops the word flow comes from i think french affluer is flow if i keep it stops here if i keep giving the more i give the more shall receive so that's step 12. i'm take five more minutes and tell you what happened with my mom and dad we'll make the second part shorter i'll talk less about it than say prayer so um I had three years to survive and I felt very uncomfortable, and I didn't know why. And I did inventory, and realized that I still hated my parents. The book says resentment is the number one killer, and it doesn't exempt parents. And I've been inventorying, and you know, I realized we have double standards in AA. If a newcomer walks through that door and says, I just got out of jail. I killed two people. That's why I was in jail and robbed five banks. What do we say? Welcome. You're one of us. Do you want coffee and cookies? Later on, we'll take you out to dinner. Instant forgiveness, right? Not with our parents. They have to be perfect. Are we perfect? I don't know about you. I'm not, even in sobriety. I'm not. I had to make a lot of amends in sobriety. And when I went to do my eighth and ninth, I didn't want justice. I wanted those people to forgive me. Because if I was to get justice for all the garbage I did, you don't want to be standing next to me when I get it. So I had to write inventory. And I realized, yes, my mother chained me and beat me up a few times. But there was only 15% 20% of the equation and that it was wrong I'm not condoning child abuse but she was an ignorant person from Italy she never went to school some of us don't get at home we had the privilege of going to school we learnt something in school she didn't and I realized i began thinking yes she beat me up she chained me a few times but you know she was illiterate but she put me to 12 years of school she she at night we had no heat she would warm up the brick on his stove wrap it with an old rag warm up to bed and put on my feet when i was five years old wouldn't have a christmas tree she took a broomstick some wire some great paper and made it those christmas trees four in branches five branches six branches she went out with a christmas for was a quarter and bought full christmas ball on the point but guess what i had my christmas tree and every year she make a little taller and make some more ornaments so she was doing the best she could with the knowledge she had when i had 12 years old You had to buy a kid a bicycle. It's like almost buying a convertible now. We're talking 50 years ago, okay? And she bought me the best bicycle in town, imported from Italy. No, even the rich kids in the neighborhood didn't have a bicycle like that. She worked always at two jobs. There's no welfare in Argentina. She got up every day of the year at 5 o'clock in the morning and she worked until 11 o' clock at night. But I had my bicycle. and I realized I had to forgive my mom and I sent her a ticket she had never been on the plane and she came to my apartment before I bought my house in LA and she had a 12 feet tall Christmas tree real time decorated in favorite colors pink and red and she has 30 depressions underneath the Christmas tree and I told my mom how much I loved him and I thanked her for all the things that she did for me for buying me the shoes to go to the gym for buying me new books for putting me to 12 years of school never did I mention what she did wrong we don't do that in a you take care of this side of the street you know and i remember once she was talking to my sister olga and she said to olga you know what i wish olga for all the mothers in the world and olga said what so all the mother's in the world could have a son like my hector it doesn't get any better than that she died about three years ago she was 91 years old and that relationship was healed because i worked the steps of 8a i have no grudge against my mom it's still she drove me crazy when i get to together with her after an hour nanny honey get a swear on i'm 60 years old she's telling me what how to dress you know but that's the job of all mothers to drive us crazy you know what i mean that my heart is full of love and i haveno resentment it was a little more difficult with my father because he moved to syria and i hadn't heard from him in probably 14 years and when i was about 14 years old i got a letter from syria hi son i haven't heard for me in such a long time of course you haven't i didn't know where he was oh i just called to say hello and see how you were doing oh one more thing you know can you send me some money because i have to pay some taxes and I need some money. Bastard. He writes to me after 14 years because he needs money? I am so pissed. And then he continues, oh, one more thing. My family here says if nobody talks to me from the other side of the ocean, I must have done something wrong. and if I did I apologized Ha! Did you do something wrong? And I began writing back and now I'm listing everything he did wrong and this is a long list, you know I can't stop and this isn't true because I'm a member of the AA and I don't lie and then I made a mistake I asked an old timer what to do newcomers never do that keep it to yourself and she said Hector Hector she said if your father's been out took 14 years how do you have to write to you why do you had to answer by the way and Hector this really pissed me off she's hector would you rather be right would you read it yet please i'd rather be arrived i waited 50 years for this this is my moment but you know i'm a people pleaser and i sent a nice letter and i didn't send the money but it was not sufficient i went back to the shrink who sent me to aa 24 years ago and after two sessions He said, Hector, you have to go to Syria. You don't know your father. Syria? Are you crazy, Mike? Syria is full of Syrians. Do you know what I mean? They all look like my father. I don't want to go Syria. But I called him on the phone and he sounded seen out. He said I'll be in Syria in a month. And I landed in Damascus. And this giant that used to beat me up, that I was so afraid of, is about this tall. This little old man, bald-headed, wispy white hair, baggy ridiculous pants running towards me sobbing and he embraces me and starts kissing me all over my face and I start sobbing. Who is this man? I don't know my dad. My dad never talked to me. He worked or he fought with my mom. That was his life. And I'm sobbing and looking at this little man. His family behind him are sobbing. People watching us are sobving. Then he grabs me by the hand like a five-year-old, puts me in his cabin. He takes me to his hotel and he told me my brother-in-law says, you know, he was so excited you were coming, he couldn't sleep for three days. And he took me to this village, this very, very poor village. If you've been to Mexico, you think that's poor? That's like Switzerland compared to Syria. he told me his story you know his father died when he was six months old so he had no no recollection of what a father looks like his mother had him when he was 15 years old how is this man going to know how to be a caring loving nurturing father he had idea he was like an old animal going growing in this village with no education he went to syria i was 17 married my crazy mother how is it going to know how to be a loving caring nurturing father but he loved me he really loved me i just did not love him i don't want an illiterate person from syria to be my father i want money property prestige baccarat glass no hector this is the one you have to love and he loved me so much made me dress in a three-piece suit and this well we're very poor village his house was the only one with it with a toilet it's called toilet yes but other houses had outhouses you know like we had in argentina and he made me dressed in a hippie suit he sat in the living room bought steak that and serious very expensive put in plate made me eat it to show off and invited all the villagers from the village to come and say hello to my son hector from argentina and they all have to shake my hand that's how proud he was of me a blind person a beggar without shoes walk into the room and they guided his hand to touch my face so that he too may know what brahim's son looked like that's how much he loved me so i spent the week with him i taped them photographed them and when i left at the airport we were both sobbing again because i knew i was not going back to Syria, and I was not going to see him again. He was 84. And I said, Daddy, I love you very, very much, and Iím so proud that youíre my daddy. And he grabbed my face and kissed me all over, and he said, Son, I am ten times more proud that YOUíre my son. I am so proud of you, and this trip you made to my little village is the most beautiful gift anybody could have given me nothing in the world to make me happier and we hugged and hugged and kissed and cried and i left when i came back to america something very subtle had changed she always looked like a man i acted like a i accomplished like a man and I looked like a man but inside of me it was a 12 year old child emotionally because you see being like my father being a man was being like My father and I hated my dad and now when I think about my dad I smile the little guy did the best he could with the tools he had and now I really know what a real man is or real woman has nothing to do with the position we have society you know a real man is somebody who's at peace with himself that means he has God in his heart and it can be a maximum use to God and those about him and that's the whole trip of this program to have this in willing power so that we can love and be loved and that the secret of life the race is icing on the cake we are here for only two things to love and to be loved and that's the most important thing in entire world and we get it here naa for fun and for free i came here to stop drinking and you beautiful people taught me how to live thank you i love you