57 Resentments and Not One of Them Was Alcohol — Everything I Blamed Was a Person – Allie M.

Let's have an AA meeting. My name is Lisa, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Woodchip Speakers' Meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts and bad tapes. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on to AABlueChipSpeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker and will believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. Tonight. This lady is a member of my home group, and I really respect her and enjoy watching her get sober, and I'll give you Allie. Thanks, Lisa. I'm Allie. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, thanks, everyone. I brought notes, and I doubt I'll use them, but what's cool about being an alcoholic in recovery is that you forget the horrible things of your past, you know, that just used to haunt me for so long. I was like, oh, my gosh, that was such a big deal. Let me write that down. So we'll see how it goes. My sobriety date is December 24th, 2019. I have a sponsor. I have sponsored women, and, you know, I'll just get right into it, what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. I was born in Massachusetts in a suburb south of Boston. There was alcoholism on my father's side. His parents were both alcoholics, just very high-functioning, threw a lot of parties, you know, no consequences, that kind of a thing. My mother's parents didn't drink at all. My grandmother's father was a raging alcoholic, so that's why she didn't drink. And then her grandfather was like a teetotaler, so he swore it off and all that. He was kind of an angry guy, but they didn't drink. My parents didn't really drink either. My dad drank when he was young. He played ball. He had a bunch of friends and all that. But after he met my mom, she was only 22. So when they got married and she had me, so they just kind of gave it up. So they weren't drinkers, and they weren't alcoholics or anything like that. I'm the oldest of five kids. I come from two long lines of Boston Irish Catholics, so we got that, you know, religion and God right out of the gate. We moved down here when I was like five and a half, and I was a pretty happy kid. I did extremely well in school at a young age. I had really high test scores. I did well at, you know, things just were kind of easy for me. And I just, even from a really, really young age, I just wanted to play and have fun. I was just kind of happy, and I hung out with my siblings, and I did my dance, and I did my sports, and I did whatever, and everything was pretty good. I mean, I wasn't really troubled or anything like that. I went to private Catholic elementary school down here, and when I was nine, my mom, I guess her and all of her friends. She was in the church, decided that homeschooling was cool. So they pulled us out of school, and I started being homeschooled at nine years old going into fifth grade, me and the rest of my siblings. And I wasn't, you know, I had my sports, and I was a daddy's girl. You know, I was the oldest, and, you know, he was a pitcher, and his dad was a pitcher, and his dad was a pitcher. And so, you know, we played catch, and, you know, I just, we played basketball, and so I spent a lot of time just hanging out with my dad and hanging out with my siblings. And life was pretty good. So I was homeschooled until eighth grade, and what's crazy about that is that it started when I was like nine, ten years old, and we had little other homeschool groups of friends around, you know, they're all little tribes and stuff like that, and they'd come over and hang out with us. And even then, and even in like the Holden School community through our church, my parents were really strict. My mom, specifically, was really strict. And so I had these movies that I wasn't allowed to watch, and these TV shows that I wasn't allowed to watch, and these, you know, things that I wasn't allowed to do, and, you know, no spend the nights and stuff like that. And when you're a kid, you know, and a preteen, it's the end of the world, you know? And so I kind of, I felt a little excluded and stuff like that, and that was my first time where I started getting teased, you know, from other girls. They were, I was kind of, you know, on the outs, and they were kind of mean to me just for that, just for not being allowed to watch certain movies, and Clueless was big at the time. All that kind of thing. So that was kind of my first thing, and that was really what started spawning a lot of anger and resentment towards my mother, you know? And then, so homeschooled, we actually didn't finish, I didn't finish 7th and 8th grade. We just kind of would socialize and get Dunkin' Donuts, and it was very, whatever, you know, willy-nilly, and then it was time to go to high school. So I got put in public high school in East Cobb, and if anybody's familiar with East Cobb, it's the East Cobb Snob. So here I am, this little Catholic homeschool girl with a 6th grade education, and I go plopped into an East Cobb high school, and I knew two people from, like, my swim team or whatever, and it was a big change for me. And at the time, you know, I did well in school, and I got good grades, and I was on the swim team and tennis and, you know, all that kind of thing, and school, I mean, high school was pretty good. I made friends. But that was when my mom and I really started clashing about the curfew stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't allowed to, you know, go to parties. I wasn't allowed to do sleepovers. There was a lot of stuff like that. I didn't have a car. I didn't have a cell phone. So I'd get teased for these little things in high school, like not being able to do stuff and go to parties, and I was getting so resentful. And we would just, what I remember about high school with my mom was just we'd fight all the time, because for me, it felt like I'm just trying to live a normal teenage life. Like, I was homeschooled, and now I'm in public school. and I just want to hang out with boys and hang out with friends and go to the football games and, you know, have parties and do all that kind of thing. But I had these strict rules and these strict curfews. And this is my perception of it, you know, but it was everything to me at the time. So around my senior year of high school, I started kind of cutting class a little bit, started cutting class, started, you know, going to parties and then just making sure I was home at 12 and just kind of skirting that rebellious line just a little bit. And Christmas of my senior year of high school, I had my first drink. And I was at a little Christmas party with this guy I had a crush on, whatever, and it was his older brother and their friends were home from college, and they had this big blowout bash. So we went over to the thing, and I didn't know what to drink. I mean, I'd never had anything alcoholic to drink. And we went up to the little bar, and he was like, Oh, I'm a Jack and the Covers. And so I was like, Okay, I'll have a Jack and Coke. And so I drank a Jack and Coke, and I remember that it tasted like wood to me, and I drank the whole thing, and I didn't feel anything. And so I was like, Okay, well, I'll have another Jack and Coke. And so I have another Jack and Coke, and I remember my cheeks getting a little bit warm. But other than that, I didn't really feel anything. And so I was bound and determined to get drunk with all the cool kids in high school by that point. So I had another. I had another Jack and Coke, and then I had a fourth Jack and Coke. And by now, I'm kind of got the, you know, swaying a little bit. My motor skills are kind of going a little bit. And I'm like, Okay, I think I'm drunk now. But looking back at that experience, that just doesn't seem like a very normal first drink for a 17-year-old girl. I wasn't. Number one, it's a quantity-wise, it's a lot. And two, I didn't, I did not have that, Oh, my gosh, I have arrived first feeling that a lot of people talk about. For me, I was like, This is what people my age do. I haven't been able to have these experiences. I'm going to get drunk. And so that's what, that was my, you know, first drug. So over the next semester or whatever, I go to parties a little bit here and there. And I never drank just because, you know, I was enjoying the party or anything like that. I was like, would have obtained the amount of quantity of booze. I would drink it all, and then I would go on to the party or to the event. And then however drunk I was, it's just however drunk I was. And that was pretty much it. And then, you know, graduated high school, top of my class, everything was fine. I got into the University of Georgia. So anybody who's familiar with the University of Georgia knows that there's a lot of boozing there. So I leave home after all these, you know, rules and curfews and resentments and all this. And for me, this was the freedom that I had been looking for. Like, I was finally didn't have anybody watching over my shoulder. I could. Do what I want. I could stay up as late as I wanted. I didn't have any restrictions at all. So I was gone. So I get to UGA. And from the very first night that I got there, I was like, all right, well, what do the kids do at UGA? School just poof. You know, I had all 8 o'clock classes and all that kind of thing. But so I went downtown. And I kind of never left. So, yeah, I just, I'd get 25 bucks a week from my mom. I'd spend it all in one night at the bars and then figure out a way to get drinks after that. But the experience when I first got to Georgia, going downtown and drinking at the bars with, you know, friends and everything, I still didn't know how to drink. And I didn't drink just to relax or to have a good time or like, you know, da-da-da-da-da-da. I would deliberately get high-quantity, you know, $5 Long Islands or Jager bombs. And I would drink as many of them as I could. And then I'd go to the back of the bathroom and I'd kind of like, you know, sit in the toilet and I'd kind of like lean over to be able to tell if I was, you know, if I was drunk. And I'm like, okay, good. I'm intoxicated now officially. So I trained myself to drink because that's what I thought everybody else was doing. And I wanted the full college experience now that I was a free human at the, you know, ripe age of 18 in like one month. So anyway, so that turned into a lot of alcohol. And eventually I became very, very good at it. And I had a very good time. And, you know, one thing that they don't tell you, the whole, uh, college football, the lifestyle, or at least the lifestyle that I was in when we were there, you'd go out until three o'clock in the morning and then you got to start tailgating 630 the next morning. So that's when I learned to drink in the morning. And I can remember being like, okay, well, this is what everyone's doing. It's a football game. So 630 in the morning, seven o'clock in the morning, we're cracking beers. And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so cool. This and this and this. So that became my priority for the first two, three years that I was in college. I just, I, I went from all A's to, I got an F, I got some C's, I got a couple of A's and B's littered in there. Um, and then by my junior year, I, junior year, I, um, started experimenting with other substances. We'll just leave it at that. Um, the full party girl to the extreme was kind of my whole thing, you know, was going out seven nights a week. I would bartend, um, I bartended at steakhouses and stuff like that. So I would just, I'd have drinking money. I made sure that, you know, my lifestyle, I paid my rent. I paid all my bills. I was financially independent and, um, just kept going. So I started hanging out with some pretty shady characters around, you know, my third year of school as it goes. And, um, there was a date rape situation. And that was around the time that there was a lot of just bad stuff going on and I wasn't going to class and all that. And I almost got kicked out of university at that point. And my mom actually came up and talked to the head of the speech director and was very awkward. And, you know, she's like, she's been through a lot and this and this and this, but long story short, they let me stay in my program. And, um, so at that point I was like, okay, this, you know, I'm going down a very, very bad path. This is no bueno. And so I turned around for a little bit. I got straight A's for the next two years. I graduated. Um, I worked 40 hours a week bartending at the steakhouses, still drank, but it wasn't, you know, I, I shifted my priorities a little bit to at least get my degree and get out of there. So. All's well that ends well at Georgia and, um, I left. So I left and, uh, stayed for an extra football season as we tend to do. And then finally I moved to Atlanta and I needed a car at the time. And so I, um, took a job bartending at this little steakhouse right up the street from my parents' house. And I stayed there and I ended up staying there for two years and bartended and lived the restaurant lifestyle. You know, you, you, you drink and then you go to work and you drink all night and you drink. You drink all day and you drink on your lunch break and you just drink all the time and everything's fine. Smoke cigarettes and do whatever. And, and I lived that and I loved it for about two years. And then I finally decided, oh, I got to back up. Okay. So I totally forgot something. In 2007, uh, I got my first DUI. And so I was 21, uh, at Georgia and I hit a curb and the cop was behind me and, uh, pulled me over because there was like rubber flying off the wheel. The car and he pulled me over and breathless me and everything. And my blood alcohol content was a 0.18 and he took me to jail. And to me, it was not a big deal because I was like, I'm in Athens, you know, everybody gets DUIs. The cops are everywhere. Like I even have some street creds. That's kind of how I thought. I was like, whatever, you know, I'll do a day in Athens County jail. Like I'm a badass. So, um, so I did. And so, you know, I just, and then I just kept drinking and totally glossed over it. But it was around that time that, um, I remember. I worked a bartending shift on a Sunday from like 1030 to five and I got off. And so I drank like a, you know, a few drinks towards the end of my shift. And then I got off and, um, I remember being downtown and I think I had gone to church because I would still kind of go to church sometimes out of guilt for the most part, even if I was drinking and I came out and I remember needing alcohol and it, and it was, I'm about like 21, 22 at this point. And I had a physical craving. Um, for alcohol, I had to have it. And at the time you couldn't buy booze on Sundays in Athens and it was a little hard to kind of find it at bars and restaurants too. So I ended up walking to a pizzeria and I, you know, had some England's whatever and was able to, you know, satisfy that need. But that was the first experience that I had of the phenomenon of craving. And I didn't know what that was until I came in the room. But I specifically remember feeling like panic. If I do not get alcohol, like there is no alternative. I have to have it. You know, physically I had to, had to, have to have it. And I really hadn't been drinking that long at that point. So anyway, fast forward, I'm in Atlanta, I'm bartending at this restaurant. I get another DUI. And this one I did feel bad about. Um, it was a Sunday afternoon. Um, I had been drinking all weekend. I had, you know, liquor in my car and my glove compartment and everything. And they actually were doing like construction on the two. 85 East ramp. And, um, so they feel sobriety tested me right there. And so I'm in front of all these cars and doing the field sobriety test. My blood alcohol content was a 0.229. They took me to jail and threw me in Cobb County. So that one, I had stricter punishments and more community service and all that. And I felt pretty guilty and I would kind of, you know, maybe not drink for a couple of months and, you know, did probation and all that. And then just went back to drinking. Um, after that, I got a professional job. I just took an interview, took a job. And it was a recruiting sales, um, tech position or whatever. So I ended up just in sales and burning the candle at both ends. I had a high powered job during the day and I had a high powered alcohol problem at night. And eventually they started bleeding into each other. I worked for like a boutique firm and then I worked for a like boiler maker sales, like pit with the bullpen, just high energy, high hours, high money intensity, um, situation. And I was just, and I was drinking all day. All the time. And by this point I was bringing liquor with me to work, um, not drinking at the desk yet, but I had it in my console. So as soon as I get on 285 to go home for the afternoon commute, I'm drinking quarter pints of Jack Daniels on the highway as I'm going home. Um, every now and then I would drink in the morning just to make sure that I could kind of, you know, function, but it would only be like a shot, not a big deal. And then I'd just go about my very way in December of 2015. I got a third DUI. And this one was also on a Sunday, which is weird, but, um, I hit a preacher, I rear-ended somebody up in Cumming, the city of Cumming, and, um, I don't know how or why he didn't come after me or press any, whatever, I don't charge him what he would do, but it totaled my car and my blood alcohol content was a 0.35. And so I paid $10,000 to a lawyer to get me out of this. Cause at this point, I've had three in less than 10 years. And I don't, you know, I know that that's bad and I've got to keep my job and I've got to be able to drive. So, you know, I'll go into damage control mode right away. Um, two weeks later, I am putting everything back together and I'm in a rental car, this little blue Hyundai for my third DUI, as I'm trying to like, you know, piece everything together. I haven't really had a drink in like, you know, almost two weeks, like 12 days or something. And my boyfriend at the time, who was a heavy drinker met me for. Happy hour. And so we went to this little, whatever. I had like two craft beers, no big deal. He left phenomenon of craving. I went to the liquor store. That's the last thing I remember. And I came to in jail again, fourth DUI. So I got my fourth DUI in the rental car for my third DUI two weeks later. And when I came to in the Alpharetta jail, I was angry because I was thinking, okay, like I didn't get a DUI. They're saying that I got a DUI and there's no way because it would have only an insane person would have gotten a third DUI and then turn around and gotten a fourth DUI. So that was just off the table. There was no way that I did that. It was their mistake. Something was wrong. I needed to get out and I needed to get everything back together. So when I finally got the police report and realized that I did, in fact, there was no way out of it. I did get another DUI again. And I had to call my lawyer and see if we could just tack on another one. And by this time, it's like I'm freaking out because I don't know how much time I'm going to be in jail. I don't know what how much money this is going to cost. I'm surely going to lose my job. There's no way. So miraculously, I only did 24 hours in jail for those last two DUIs. So I got a guy. Anyone needs a guy. But. But. But. But that's how it continues. So the insanity is that I kept drinking. After all that, I do my probation. I stopped for a couple of days. Now I'm in my corporate job. I'm bringing booze to work. I'm drinking in the morning. I'm drinking at lunch. I Ubered for two and a half years because I knew that if I got a car, they would put a breathalyzer on it. And instead of not drinking, I Ubered and spent like 120 bucks a day up to my client visits all around the metro Atlanta area. Because I would rather spend that money and be able to drink than get a breathalyzer in my car and not be able to drive my car because I couldn't have alcohol. So just the insanity riddled my life at all times. And by now, I'm having physical withdrawals. You know, so I mean, this is I'm drinking whiskey all the time. Vodka, anything, anything, really. And so when I would stop, you know, the shakes and I'm hot and I'm sweaty and I'm vomiting and all that stuff. But I couldn't. Think clearly in the morning, you know, we have the four horsemen and all that kind of stuff was horrible. But the way I justified it was I got to drink something in the morning because my brain doesn't fire unless I have alcohol in it. So I can't perform at my job without alcohol. So the cycle continues. I bashed my head in once at work and the whole office knew and all that. But I was a high performer. So they didn't fire me. You know, they kept me making them money for a long time. And I got sent home a bunch of times. And I was drunk on Tuesday mornings and Wednesday afternoons and at meetings and just totally inappropriate. But I kept the job for for two and a half years. And I actually won an award, which was crazy. No one would talk to me at the conference because I was so belligerent. But I was making the company money. You know, so it was a really dark, bad spiral of just burning the candle at both ends and dealing with the withdrawal with the withdrawal every day. You know, and then finally. Just getting off. OK, I'm finally off work. I can go to the bar and I can sit there and I can get some, you know, some Jameson and I can just I can drink. And at least I've got a few hours where I can relax before I have to get up and do this all over again. And, you know, just miserable. So eventually I got fired from that job shortly thereafter. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me for being an alcoholic. Go figure. And he drank. So I was kind of like the audacity, you know. But thank you. Finally. And after that, I was like, OK, there's been enough situations where we are now talking about my drinking and my alcoholism in public, basically. So maybe I should take a break. So I did. So I for 104 days at the end of 2018, I didn't drink anything. And I went to the gym multiple times a day and I worked and I had I got another good job with one of my clients. And I ended up going to the Super Bowl. I'm a Pats fan. And so I went by myself because I'd earned it. And so I went to the Super Bowl that was here in Atlanta. And I remember being on the train and I had the thought for a second of like, I think I'm going to have a drink when I get there. And I did. And I ordered one drink and that wasn't enough. So I ordered another one. And I spent I spent thirty five hundred dollars on my ticket. I spent the entire time in line for Bud Light at the Super Bowl and then Uber home. So I spiraled obviously out of control and I lost that job. And that was in March of 2019. So after that, I was feeling pretty bad about my drinking and my alcoholism. And I knew that I had a problem because there was an abundance of evidence. But I could not make the connection of how to get behind it, you know, like how to own it. I knew there were sober celebrities and I knew there were sober, you know, but I couldn't really own it or get behind it at all. I just I couldn't outsmart it with really, you know, what it came down to. And so I just I'm like, all right. You know, I'm just going to take a break. I'm going to keep going. I did that two a day. And then later in that year, I ended up going to a conference and it was the same phenomenon of craving. I had one drink and then I drank the whole conference and then came back and was dry for like another month and basically coming out of my skin. Because I had known about AA from being in trouble with all of my DUIs, but I never listened. I hated the thought of it. I was not coming in. I forged my paperwork for my probation officers. So I didn't even really go to that many meetings. And it was just that was off the table. So I had a couple more incidences at the end of 2019 where I'd have, you know, a month dry and then I'd go on a bender and have some bad consequences. And, you know, the cycle continues. And I moved to Atlanta from Marietta in December of 2019. And I went to Iceland with my sister and I drank on the last day we were there. And I was on a bender for like two weeks. So now I'm in Atlanta. I just got here. I'm in Old Fourth Ward. I don't really know anybody. I don't really know anybody around me. I'm by myself. I'm alone. And I have been in and out of blackouts for the last two weeks. And so now I'm kind of freaking myself out a little bit. Like this is not, I'm not in the suburbs anymore. Like this, it's dangerous, you know. I'm waking up and I have no idea who I talked to, who I was with, what I did, you know, what's going on, who even lives in my building, any of that. And I finally was so anxious and kind of just paranoid. And I didn't put it together with my, with the drinking, with the bender that I had been on. But I prayed. So I got in the shower and I sat down and I just started praying. And not for anything in particular. I just started praying. And I prayed in the shower for a while. And then I got out and I was on the phone with my mom for like literally 15 minutes later. And we're talking about whatever. And then all of a sudden I got a thought, go to a meeting out of the clear blue sky. And so I said to her on the phone, I need to go to a meeting. And she was like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. So I hung up. And I Ubered to the Galano Club. And I picked up a white chip at the 10 o'clock meeting on December 23rd of 2019. I'd been drinking all day and for weeks before that. And they read, and I think it was on page 62, but they read in the big book about the double life. The alcoholic leads a double life. And I just started bawling. Because for me, I had spent so much time in damage control and like spinning and trying to like project it. Don't worry, I'm not drowning yet. I still am. I'm holding on to like these itsy bitsy parts of my life, my career, my, even though everything was in shambles and had been for so long. So I picked up a white chip. I left. I got dropped off at my apartment by myself, 1130 at night. And I get out of the Uber and I projectile vomit. And I got up to my apartment and I spent the whole night in the most violent DTs. I was, there were Chinese dragons on the ceiling. There were bugs on the couch. There were diamonds on the floor. There were shadow people. I couldn't keep an ice cube down. And I had thought, and I believe this is every fiber of my being. You've done, you finally have done it. You have finally picked up a white chip and it's too late because you're not going to make it through the night. And I had thought my brain had just melted out of the back of my head basically. And so I begged for my life and I, you know, I called my mom and I was looking out my window and it was just horrific. And I knew with every fiber of my being. Then I was out of chances, just done. And so I finally fell asleep at 7 a.m. I woke up at 7 45 a.m. And I was like, okay, well I made it. So I dusted off my big, literally dusted off my big bug because it was like in a box in my closet. And I got in my car and I got some bone broth and I drove to triangle club and I went to the four o'clock meeting on Christmas Eve. And I was a disaster. Like I just was red and scared and like detoxing so horribly. And somebody said, you know, if you want to stay for another meeting, you can stay for the 5 45. And I was like, okay. And so I did. And I met, I met a girl who I'm friends with to this day and her and her boyfriend, you know, talked to me and they were like, do you want to do 90 meetings in 90 days? And I was like, I'll do anything at this point. I will do anything because I cannot drink again. And I ended up, I mean, it was Christmas Eve. I had to go to Christmas Eve mass with my whole family. And then I spent two days with my brother and he was, it was just horrible. And I'm detoxing the whole time. But I turned around and then I came to Nava on Christmas night with those two people. And I sat over there and it was like a nine 30 meeting or something, probably the alpha five. And then I turn around on the 26th and I went back to another meeting. And then I went back to another meeting. And when I wasn't at meetings, I was so scared that I was going to drink that I would go home and I would listen to alcoholics, anonymous radio show on planes at them. The New Zealand Apple iPod thing. I would listen to speaker tapes. I would listen to sober cats. I would listen to like anything a related that I could find to fill my time when I wasn't in a meeting or I wasn't working so that I didn't drink because I had to put enough time in space between me and the bottle to where I could actually somewhat build a little bit of a habit because I knew if I stopped or if I even like lit up a little or let up a little bit that I would drink again. And I was like, I'm going to go home. I firmly believe that if I drank again, I was dead. So did 90 meetings in 90 days. I got a sponsor at about 30 days. She was tough, but I'm glad that she was tough. And, you know, started working the steps with her. I met when I had four days. I got over pretty much a triangle and like that. When I had four days, I met a girl who had five days and we didn't know what the heck to do. So we clung to each other. And then we met a girl who had 19 days. And the three of us would like share memes and be like, I'm freaking out. And we just really leaned on each other. And we'd go to meetings and we'd be like, this is crazy. What are we doing? But we kept stringing together one day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time and just leaned on each other and tried to listen to, you know, what the old timers would say and all that. And around 90 days, COVID hit and shut everything down. So I did Zoom meetings for about two weeks, three weeks. And then we were able to find like five-person meetings at Triangle and like St. Ann's in Buckhead was still open. And there were a couple of meetings. And, you know, for me, I was really ticked because I'm like, here we go. I could just drink all day, every day. I'm working remotely. This is an alcoholic's dream right now. I'm home. I really don't have any responsibilities. Business is basically at a standstill. And the only thing open are liquor stores. Like this is perfect. But for me, I knew that if I did that, I was probably not going to make it back out. And I had already hit that point of desperation. So for me, it was how bad do you want it? And I wanted it by now, you know. So I went to the meeting and I started working the steps. One, powerless, 100%. That is abundantly clear for me. And I come to meetings now to remind myself that I'm powerless over alcohol because it ran my life for forever. It was my solution. But it was just I was enslaved to it so strongly, even physically at the end, that I couldn't do it. But I didn't even know anything else by that point. The insanity. I thought that I was really not doing too bad other than the alcohol. I mean, that to me is insanity. You know, I was doing the same thing over and over and over again every single day, slowly killing myself and hurting everybody else around me. And I didn't really even care or realize that it was that bad. And I couldn't get out of it, you know. God had never been that, you know, I wasn't really that worried about. I didn't have any major things because I grew up in a strict religious family. I kind of always kept a pulse on it. I go to mass here and there. I had a lot of guilt around religion just in general. But I thought, you know, God and I are pretty cool. And I just had this spiritual experience. So clearly, like, we're okay. So I was ready to breathe through that with my sponsor and the steps. What I've learned in the program is that step three is one of the ones that I struggle with the most. You know, I didn't know anything about self-centeredness or selfishness. I didn't think I was. I didn't think I had either of those things, fear and ego. I didn't think I had any of those things. I did not know that I was self-will run riot in the extreme. And you guys taught me that in the room. And as soon as I started to realize what it was, I was like, this is a huge problem. I'm used to being a driver. Like, I want to run at everything. I run at life like in a chokehold. So to turn it over and be like, hey, this is going to help the best. For me, it was extremely difficult. And God was way over here for me. It was not. I had a checkbox type of relationship with my higher power, which was really no relationship at all. And, you know, I just did what I was supposed to do, what I thought. So that's been something that I have worked on since I started working the steps. And something that I work on every single day, just showing up and it being in the conscious contact. For me, I finally started to cut myself some slack and saw my relationship with my higher power the way I see my program. Which is, this is a lifelong deal. You know, take it one day at a time and just try to do it a little better the next day than you did the day before. And that's as good as I can do right now. Four and five, I did have, I had 57 resentments on my first four steps. It was one institution, which was my breathalyzer institution, and the rest were people. And it was, and I was angry. I came in with a lot of anger. I didn't think I had any anger. I didn't think I had any fear. I didn't think, I thought I was pretty, you know, really not that bad except for the whole being a drunk thing. But I realized that I actually did. I had a lot of resentments. I had a lot of anger. You know, I had a lot of stuff with my mom. And I, to some degree, I blamed her for my alcoholism for a long time. And I blamed her for, you know, stuff with religion and my concept of God. And, you know, things like a fear of hell type thing. You know, so there was a lot of work that I had to do there. I had bosses. I had a big power struggle thing with my bosses because I was self-righteous. And I thought I knew more than they did. You know, so I had to work through that. But I did have that feeling of relief after I finished my fifth step. And I remember walking out of my sponsor's house and the side looked different. You know, and it was just, I felt it was a tangible, palpable thing. Like this is like all your crap is gone. You know. At least for the most part. Six and seven I work on all the time. And I don't work on them. You know, I have to remind myself that, you know, God removes my defects of character. You know, I can become aware of them. I sprout new ones all the time, which is very irritating. But I have to turn them over and let God take care of them the way that, you know, he will take care of them. And the rest is just about me trying to be better than I was, you know, the day before. And being like, okay. That's probably not a very nice way to think or act or anything like that. Let's keep an eye on that one and try to do better. Eight and nine, the amends were, I was ready to do my amends because I was ready to get through the steps. And, you know, it started with mom, obviously. You know, I had a lot of family. And I had a lot of employers on my nine step amends. And by and large, everything was received really, really well. There were difficult conversations. But it was, they were very compassionate. And they were just very proud of me and just, you know, relieved that I had been able to get sober. You know, which I learned I didn't do it. You know, like, you all did it in my higher power. But that's not something that you know when you first come in here. So, I was like, thanks. And then 10, 11, and 12. 10, I don't do a written at night, just being 100% honest. I need to start doing that. But I sought check inventory all day long. And I try to learn from, you know. Other people in the room. Prayer and meditation. I try on the meditation. It kind of looks a little different to me. I've been swimming. And swimming laps is kind of a nice little meditative time for me when I do that in the morning. I can kind of clear my head and get close with God. And just kind of let the, you know, everything kind of flow the way it's supposed to. And service. I've sponsored women in the rooms. I, you know, I try to chair meetings and stuff when I can. And the biggest thing that I've learned recently is, you know, if you practice the principles in all your affairs. Which is what I try to do. You will reach people. You will reach people on the outside. And I have had people at my job. People like, you know, friends, family who are not alcoholics. Or they are alcoholics. And they don't know anything about AA. Or they don't know anything about alcoholism. Or they don't know where to go. And they're scared. And all that. That know I'm in recovery. And will ask me what to do. And I can help them. And that, to me, has been one of the greatest gifts of this program. I'm engaged to a sober alcoholic. So that's another promise coming true. You know, that, yeah. But, I mean, we have to treat our relationship the way we treat our program. I mean, it's not perfect. But we have to be honest. And that is where it all starts for me. You know, I don't live. I don't live two lives anymore. I just live one. And sometimes, you know, I still get angry. I still get. I still crawl up in other people's inventory on a regular basis. I still. I have a bad mouth a lot of the times. I mean, I get frustrated. Traffic is a big trigger for me. My siblings drive me crazy. You know. But I can sit in my feelings now. And I can use the tools of the program. Because there are tons and tons and tons of tools. And it's not just meetings. And it's not just services. Whatever works for you to get you in a state of where you're present. I didn't know anything about being present before this. I didn't know. One day at a time, I don't even know what you're talking about or what that means. And AA has taught me to be able to live one day at a time. And I like to learn now because my brain works again. So I read books like, you know, The Atomic Habits. And listen to podcasts. And stuff. And, you know, there's all these highly educated, you know, motivational speakers. All kinds of people. And they keep talking about how, you know, you take this monumental goal that you have and how to overcome it. And that's how they help people. And really all that they're saying is you take this huge goal and you break it down into itsy-bitsy tiny digestible pieces. And then you just repeat them one at a time over time. And the only reason that I had to do that is because I had to do it in AA. I was either, you know, way, way, way in the future with my massive grandiose goals. Or I was thinking about all these people that ticked me off and hurt me. I was angry, you know, in the past. I was never present. And everything had to be big. Now I've learned that it's way, way better. And life is way more enjoyable to just take it in the itsy-bitsy tiny little present moments. So that's how I try to live. And it's not perfect. But, you know, I love NAVA. I love coming here. And thanks for letting me share. Thank you again, Alan. We'll give you another. Was the last thing I wanted to do There ain't no denying The pain you put me through I thought I knew you so well Guess I have to blame myself For letting Till I was Down to get it Round up Turned a good girl into a liar But didn't come here looking for the love I came in here running from the fire Sweet talking Heartbreaker You had me Believe That you loved me But you gave me One matching gasoline It all happened so fast Nothing was left but ashes I should have seen it But I was Head down Hell bound Digging out I was Down to get it Round up Turned a good girl into a liar Guess I have to blame myself But I was Down to get it Round up Turned a good girl into a liar I should have seen it But I was Head down Hell bound Digging at home Round up Turned a good girl into a liar But didn't come here looking for the light I came in here running from the fire And it's all because of you Turned a good girl into a liar Looking for the light I came in here running from the fire From the fire