2nd March Through the Steps Workshop – Part 9 of 5 – 2022 – Peter M.

All right, everyone, we're going to get started. And we're just going to quickly open up with a moment of silence, followed by the serenity prayer. God, grant us the serENITY to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things WE can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Alright, I want to thank everybody else for coming out For our last session tonight And for those that have been here all day We're just grateful that you guys stuck it out with us I know it's been a long day A lot of us are tired I know the speakers are exhausted So we're grateful for you guys to hang in with us too It's been A remarkable day I really can't even describe what it's meant To a lot of of us With that, I'm going to bring up Ron To read A little something on Step 10 and 11 Before we introduce Peter Ron Romine, Recovered Alcoholic. Steps 10 and 11. This thought brings us to step 10, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered into the world of the spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Step 11 suggests prayer and meditation. We shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer. Better men than we are using it constantly. It works if we have the proper attitude and work at it. It would be easy to be vague about this matter, yet we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day, thy will be done. We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, and foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. Thanks. Thanks, Ron. And this is actually the talk, Peter, that I always tell you about. If you look it up, it's a spring fling. It was like 2014, you were in Nebraska and you were there with a guy who gave a talk on Step 2 that's kind of shaped a lot for me personally, Rick C. and this was a talk that got me up out of my bed at midnight for six hours so always appreciate you for that so with that I'm going to give you Peter on steps 10 and 11 applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause for coming back whoever came back I don't know everyone else went before we get going I wanted to thank only Brad but where is he Alex Trebek hosting and the committee and I understand through the notes today that a lot of groups contributed to put this thing together I am in South Florida and it's really cool to live there but I was sharing some folks the kind of support I see up in the Northeast actually around the country but especially up in the Northeast I don't really see too much of that where I am and maybe it's because there's so many treatment centers is very transient at times but I wanted to thank all of you for putting us up right thank you for everything for being such such a gracious host, and the speakers for sharing, giving their best effort up here, you can tell. And there's not much in a tank for them and for me either. I have no idea where God's going to take us. But most important, I want to thank all of you for being here. And not only for being on the ride with us, But from what I've watched, for giving us the latitude to speak freely and supporting that as we go along. And sometimes when you do these, you know, you got a small window and you really can't get too heavy into mechanics. It's more experiential. But what is important to me is the mechanics are vital. But how am I living with the mechanics? June 23, 1988 is when God separated me from alcohol. And when I first was getting sober, my home group is Alcoholics and God in Fort Lauderdale, Marin, I share the same home group. I have a new sponsor. His name's Bob Bazans from St. Paul, Minnesota. He's been just wonderful the past few months with him. Reminds me a lot of when I had Don Pritz working with me. It wasn't so much about rigidity. It was really about where are you, and let's have a conversation about this when we hear some inventory. But when I was first getting sober, I was so insecure and praying that this work would work, that these steps would work that this process, however you want to term it, would work for me. As I said earlier, I needed to get on this team and so I'm following instructions purely out of desperation. It wasn't anything admirable on my part where I'll do this work to pass it on. That didn't enter the realm of my vision yet. It was, I need to do this. I must do this to have a chance of getting better. And somewhere in that, it kind of opens up, I needs to pass it on, Bill talks about that. I was so insecure about this work. And what I've learned, because again, we live life forward and understand it backwards. I was in a place of desperation. A young fellow asked me, what was it like during your first six months or a year in sobriety? And I answered him without missing a beat. It was survival. I was already being disciplined to a spiritual life, and I hadn't even gotten into the steps yet. And that discipline was, I cannot waver. I did during my first six months, and I was Looney Tunes. And I had a second surrender. And then from then, I really haven't, in a sense, looked back. I've been disciplined to this life. And it was really out of desperation at the beginning. I cannot, I cannot. You know, the mind wants to take me down this road and that road. And it scared me to death. And it Was just God overcoming my mind because that's what God does. The mind will overcome anything I come up with except God. And what I would do at the beginning was, as I said, so afraid and so insecure. Praying it would work. It's got to work. I hope it works. And again, I look back on it now. And when we're in that place, when I was in that space, I was already getting a force feeding of humility. It was forged out on an amble of pain and suffering. I wasn't in a place where I'm going to do this works. I know it works and I'm gonna be the next guru in my home group and I can go back and throw some sound bites and sound really profound. Nowhere to be found. It was this must work. And what I would do is use the big book to validate any experiences I was having. The good news, what I'm happy to report to you, and I thank God and AA for this, is that my experience can now validate what's in the big books, Alcoholics Anonymous. I have become part of the we who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. That brings depth and weight to the next drunk that I'm sitting with or perhaps doing a thing like a presentation like this where I can tell you my experiences validate what's on page whatever, page X. And when the promises are read, Scott read the promises, I'm standing there and I'm saying, that's happened to me. That's happened in varying degrees, but it's happened to me and so when I sit with someone or I give a talk, I can talk about experiences and then refer to the book and say, see, this is what the book says, not the other way around. What has become incredibly important to me, and thank God for what this work does, it speaks loudly for the power that cannot be spoken about because there are no words, there are No adjectives to adequately... I'm trying to say adequately... Adequately. What she said. I'm out of fuel, there's nothing left in the tank, and I haven't eaten since lunch, so deal with me. To describe that power. There's no words. We try to paint a picture, we tell a story, we try to illustrate when we talk about God or what this process has done. Beth's going to talk about the spiritual awakening. Now she's goingto, I know she's gonna do a great job, but once she's all said and done talking about a transformation, whatever she says falls short of what it's really done. You know, if I said I was at Niagara Falls over the weekend and how beautiful it was, how incredible it was you have to go there to experience it. But what we do is we tell stories and we try to create a picture. So that's what this does and what has happened to me as one of the results of this work in waking up is that personal relationships are really important to me. That doesn't mean I like anyone, everyone. Some people I love. Some people we kind of coexist. There's people like that at my home group. Hi, how's it going? We're never going to break bread together. There's a lot of people out there and there's people in AA who says, hey, how is it going, and we coexist. But what I can't afford is static. I need to be doing my part to clean up old scrapes and writing the inventory and sharing with the sponsor and if they're unapproachable or I need to at least do my part in prayer, meditation, and forgive or amends. Forgive or amens, a lot of what it comes down to. So when they're in a room, regardless of what they're feeling, I don't have tension with them. Maybe I'm getting older. Maybe I really start to wake up. I don' t know. But I can' t afford that. I' m in a place, it' s been a while, where I need to let people know how I feel about them, meaning, hey, I care about you, I love you, and not expecting that in return. That's selfish. I can't walk away if someone says, okay, great, and walks away. After they say, hey, you're important to me. I love You. Okay, Pete, have a nice day. I need to go home and write inventory because he didn't or she didn't respond in kind. That's just a rookie mistake. What's the most important thing to me when I was first getting sober, pardon me, When I was first getting sober, if an old-timer or a sponsor would ask me, in fact, if anyone would ask you, what's the most important thing in your life? I would say sobriety, the number one priority. We would boot camp with that when we first came in. And it is a sufficient answer for anyone. Sobriety is the number One Priority. But what's The Most Important Thing in My Life Currently? And it has been this way for a long time. is conscious contact with God. Having conscious contact with God is the most important thing in my life. Because for me to tell you sobriety is my number one priors, most important things in my lifetime, how am I staying sober? On my own, by doing good deeds, those are nice things. Being of service, that's a nice thing. But who's making all of that happen? If I have unconscious contact with the Lord, you're taking me to a detox because I'm getting drunk. Having conscious contact with God is number one on the HIPAA rate. To practice fidelity to God, to let God remove from me all the identities that I walked in with, to prune the tree down to nothing, and when I feel like there's nothing left, there's more to be pruned, to endure that and to willingly, gladly carry the cross he puts on my back my priest told told us a story and one of my favorite priests he's just profound man some of the things he says and he told a story about this one gentleman who was a devout christian catholic and um and was proud of that and he started to get sick and went to his doctor and the doctor ran a whole bunch of tests and the doctors said, it's not good. You're on borrowed time, make arrangements. And he's irate. All his belief and trust and faith in God went by the wayside. He was irate and cursed God and cursed the church and walked away. After all I've done, all my life of dedication. And what comes to him in this dream is he's walking on some field with hundreds of people and they're all carrying this big heavy cross, every one of them. And they're singing hymns happy for the cross they're carrying. And he said, well, this is just, this is ridiculous. This is absurd. And he's begrudgingly carrying this cross and he finds a little barn on the side of the road and he goes in there and he looks for a saw and he cuts down this cross to nothing. and he thinks he's got it over on all of them. And he's walking with them, and he's feeling really happy he got over. Until they come to the edge of this mountain, and they need to get to the other side, which represents heaven. And what they all do is lay down their cross and walk over, and his doesn't make it. And he stuck in this place of torment for eternity. So the cross God's going to put on my back, whatever it is, I'm not looking for the cross, but he's going to put one because we all have a little cross to carry. Whether it's relationship, money, whatever it is, we've all got that thing. But what I have found out, it's so heavy, it brings me closer to the ground. Humility hummus. It brings a greater need for God to give me the strength to walk another foot, to walk another mile with this cross. And I realize He is the one who has laid it on my shoulders. It's not a result of self-wood or anything anymore. It's not a result of self-reliance. It's a result of having a relationship with God, and he placed this on me, and I gladly accept it. When I was, many years ago, Scott and I, she had the same sponsor for a long time, and I'm going to meetings, and I've been going through the steps, and I am a cradle Catholic, and I would go to mass. Not church. I would do that. I would church regularly once a week. It seemed like forever, but I would go to Mass on a Sunday and not go, and then go and not go. And I would critique. I would criticize. The homily the priest would do, I would say, I'm in AA. He should call me up there. I can do a better job. If you're a Catholic, you know, the homilies are like seven minutes, five minutes, and they're done. And if the priest has got to play golf, it's two minutes because he's got to get out of there. And I could do all this character assassination. But when I was coming to AA, I would talk about but for the grace of God, but for the grace to God, and harboring a resentment and justifying it, rationalizing and minimizing it. Getting caught up in the headlines that a lot of us are familiar with. With big institutions there's always holes in the armor. And I got caught up in that. And i'm doing a fifth step. Marion was talking about four and five earlier About some of the things that come out of it And I'm sharing a fifth step with my sponsor And it got to institutions In a very matter-of-fact way I read Resentment, Catholic Church Cause, cause, cause Third column, fourth column He says hold it back up When a sponsor tells you Hold it back upp That's sponsor code for You're in trouble Back up You got caught And he pressed me on that resentment. He said, how long have you been nursing this one for? And I said to him, well, think about it. You know, and I gave him my Rolodex of excuses to justify pushback. When someone pushes back on me, I know they're not in a good place. They're not teachable. They're still defending and protecting. That's what I was doing, completely unaware of this. And he impressed me some more, and I pushed back some more. And then he says, let me ask you some questions. And he said something, went something like this. Do you go to AA meetings? And I says, of course I do. He says, is every AA meeting a good meeting? I says no. Are there 13-step meetings? I said yes. Do you know people who've gotten chips one year, five years, ten years, who you know were loaded? I says yes. At my first home group, I remember a guy got up there one year and was literally, we had table and you sit down and present it, literally nodding out at the table. I'm so grateful for this one year. Now I know who the dope fiends are in the room. We're all exposed, right? And we're saying, this guy's jacked. His eyes were pinned. You know, he's, yeah, I love this coin I got. The whole night. So I said to him, yes. He said, but you keep going back. I says, yeah. And you practice love, tolerance, forgiveness, and understanding. He says, yes, and you bring a solution, yes he said how come you can't do that with your church and the phone went quiet I got caught and he was right see the truth will always find me the way sin will always catch up to me I get away, get away get away and then I get caught this is the truth showing up again the truth will always find me and sometimes it isn't pleasant it can be the beginning of a new road of freedom but when I get called It doesn't feel that way. There's a great phrase, and we all know it. The truth will set you free. Know the truth and the truth will Set you free Know the Truth and the Truth will Set You Free It begs the question, what is the truth? There was one man who said, I am the truth, the way and the life. He's the truth and when I find, when I get to get with him, I get free. Know him and I'm free. What am I doing to make strides toward getting right with God? Not defining or comprehending that power which is God because the book says we'll never be able to do that. I got into another rookie mistake in the early days thinking I needed to define and comprehend that power, which is god. Impossible, because as soon as I define and comprehend god, it's not god, it's me worshiping me. It's my ideas, attitudes, and emotions that I think god is telling me to go out with that newcomer because she needs someone who's sober a while. She's an occasional crack smoker. This will work. What I need to do, what I need to do is if you will pick up my cross and what I need to let go of everything. Absolutely everything. If I really want to experience conscious contact with God so when I was presented with this part of my job was whether I became a church goer or not. Because I'm running around in AA saying, but for the grace of God God's done this for me. God does for me what I can't do for myself. But I never went to his house. You know, imagine if you were like a best bud to me and you're helping me out. Loaning me money, clothing me, giving me a place to live. And I'm running around saying, if it wasn't for this guy, I don't know where I'd be. I don' t even know you, but you just got thrown in the mix here. and then he says to me hey pete i'm having a little get together at my house i'd love for you to come by and i tell him i'm busy and then another couple of months goes by he's pete having a new birthday you know my wife's telling me your birthday i'd like for you to come by who's gonna be i don't like those people i'll make it up to you i was doing that with church i was a hypocrite is what i was running around telling everyone how much i love god but I don't go to his house. And my sponsor says, I'd like you to go there, but if you don't go there you still need to fix this resentment. No resentment's acceptable or unacceptable and you've got plaque on the soul. We need to fix this. And part of that fixing was I needed to go and make amends. So we have something called confession. So on a Saturday I went to confession and I sat with the priest. Now if anyone's a Catholic they would say if you're sorry for your sins give your absolution some penance pat me on the behind and off you go. It's a pretty cool deal. That's what my God has done for me. The sin is forgiven as it's committed. But what happened with this priest, I said to my member of Alcoa, synonymous father, and here's why I'm here. And I told him how I've been slandering and criticizing and gossiping and all of that stuff. and he said to me I'll never forget this I understand and it caught my attention this is new and he went on about a two or three minute conversation with me that was very new this never happened to me and I said to him being a member of AAA what can I do to make it right and without pausing he said can you come to mass tomorrow morning and he gave me some penance and I went, Mary and I went to Mass the next morning and it's as if the fist of Gulliver reached down into my soul and ripped out the poison and I knew I was home and I new I was free-er than I see when I was drunk I like to get drunk-er and I get into AA and I go freedom and I settle for that when God's looking to give me so much more pursuing me God's going at any length to have a relationship with me and whether we like these words or not for me it's true we're called to sanctity yeah we're call to sanctivity and we can get in here for fun and for free and God will use people places and things to get me to that place because he hired me he's the employer I'm the employee he's hired me let me be so bold as to say he's fired us to go work for him and let the drunk who doesn't know we're here we're hear and the guy who keeps relapsing the girl keeps relapse that we're here to come get you. We're here. We don't shoot the wounded. I work for God. How could I possibly work for God when I have static in that relationship, would I have contempt for his house because of a few ugly people? And when they did the Lord's prayer, they sing the Lord prayer and I thought this was blasphemy. You don't sing the law. This is like a bunch of people in a commune singing such a sacred prayer. but on this particular sunday it's about halfway to two-thirds of the way through everyone held this pre-covid held their hands together up like this singing the lord's prayer and i am all over it i can't sing so i kind of whisper to myself i don't want to clear out the congregation if I start singing she can sing I can't and she's right next to me I'm not looking because I got tears my eyes are starting to water up and I canít look at her because she canít see me crying and I peeked over and sheís falling apart I knew I was home my chest was pounding I became like a child in awe of something not behaving like one I got free of that and of any of the lessons that I can hold on to I have you know each sponsor if I had it say I got one thing out of that sponsor all the good lessons that changed my life, that would be it. Of all the things that I was given from my life that would be it because we are active church members. It's important and I'm not trying to push on anyone or break a tradition here but I'm here to talk about what 10 and 11 has done for me. It came out of 4 and 5, trickled into 6 and 7. It showed up in 9. It had to be done and out of that was this rebirth where I can't not go there to the point where one of the and I always dreamt about this having a pastor or a priest who was a friend that you a go-to guy and we do now I didn't set that up he did because he understands knows the soul how important that is to me and I'm willing to take the heat and the flack from people out there who think the church is make believe who criticize that's the cross I'll carry, gladly but I won't stop shouting his name from the rooftops because when I get to his door, I don't want to say I never knew you I'd like to hear well done come on in because that day is going to happen for every one of us I know any 20 somethings out there it's never going to happened you get my age, you know what's coming up a buddy of mine says you get to a point where realistically there's more road behind me than in front of me. What am I going to do about that? Get caught up in the nonsense? Even in here sometimes life's too short, it's too vital. So there was a huge shift for me that happened which really brought new life to what I'm doing in 10 and 11. It's so easy and I'm one of them got caught up in worshipping mechanics and worshipping this book And maybe that was needed at the time. I look back on it now, probably would have done it the same way. My first sponsor was incredibly rigid. You did the third column wrong. Call me back when you fix it. Your fourth column's incomplete. It was like that. I got to talk to you about this. You have the inventory? No, call me back. That's how he was. But what he was doing was bootcamping me, disciplining me. He wasn't going to talk about stuff for an hour and a half and then get to the problem. Now, that doesn't work for anyone. It worked for me. I felt safety in that. And most of my sponsors were like that. And what I got into, and I don't blame them for this, is worshiping the book and worshiping the mechanics, which bled into me sitting in the back of the room saying, they're doing it wrong. They're not covering the second step as it's outlined in the big book, as if I wrote the big book. I come and hear clues. I share that I think this morning or I don't even remember. I lost time. But I didn't even know who Bill and Bob was. Now I get a little information. I'm suddenly the home group guru criticizing people, forgetting he's the one and you are the folks who gave it to me in the first place to wake up. How dare I sit there and criticize someone who's still in the dark? Now when you come to me and say to me, hey Pete, I'm jammed up with this. I'm struggling with that. That's when I offer, what are you doing? What sort of inventory are you writing? I ask guys all the time when they're struggling, who's your sponsor? Well, that means they don't have one. And what does my sponsorship relationship look like? Am I held accountable or do I call when I'm in the mood and tell them half truth? No sponsor. The ego likes that. Yeah, I got a sponsor. I don't call them, but I got to sponsor. I sponsor in name only. So that's one of the questions I ask. Then I go to what's, tell me about 10 and 11. What does prayer meditation look like? No meditation, check in with God. Like God's a holiday inn. I pray in the morning. What is it? Tell me what the prayer sounds are. What do you, what are you doing in the morning? Why does God keep me clean? So what else are you doing? And there's a pause because they're making it up right now as they're talking. They're trying to just come up with something to appease me. Okay, no crime. You're not the worst AA member. A lot more people do that than they admit. So you get a big hole in here. What does the 10 navigating around what does 10 look like? Where are we with the men? How many are outstanding men? And when these people talk, they've walked backwards through the steps. They've become God. And when I start to get away in a sense, figuratively speaking, get away from this power What begins to happen is alcoholism starts to show up. Not like I had a little alcoholism yesterday. I visited page 52. Alcoholism is showing up. And I can almost see it when I'm doing a big book workshop and that guy walks across to me. He said, got a minute? Can I talk to you? I know exactly what he's going to say. I won't bet a dollar on it. I'm jammed up with something. It's always the sex. It's resurfaced in the sex They're watching stuff on their laptop that, you know, the wife would throw them out or the girlfriend would throw them out. Or they're hanging around with women while they're supposed to be committed. It's always that. Now how do you go from living in the sunlight of the Spirit to this dark spot? It's because I've become God. I don't need this as much as I used to. I've settled for comfort and I'm good to go. And alcoholism takes a giant leap towards me. See, because we say, or I say I'm recovered, it doesn't mean cured. Alcoholism is sitting, that guy is sitting in the corner, sound asleep. Nudge him a few times and he shows up. The problem is I can't even see it coming. I don't know when alcohol is going to turn the corner and say, gotcha. And the only defense I have against that is this power called God. Conscious contact with God. So it has brought tremendous life, not only to doing 10 and 11, but experiencing 10 and 11, and the importance of having a current 10 and11 going on. Whether the sponsor is rigid or not, but certainly not to worship mechanics and use it as a, I'm in the big book. I belong to a line by line group. Great, I don't. What's the difference? Where I'm going, I'm poking fun, but if you're in a meeting, God bless you. But we can use this as an M16 and start picking people up. That's not living a spiritual life. That means I've risen above you. And we can only do as good as the light we're standing in. It's like a Joe with 20 years is still acting out completely loony tunes. He's still in the dark. instead of criticizing him, maybe I'll go over shake his hand and say let's hang out, let's talk where are you, how are you doing maybe something will be revealed, maybe i'll be able to sponsor that guy it's about how am I living we can put on Joe and Charlie or one of those other guys, put on a cassette a CD and you'll hear 10 and 11 mechanics, there's mechanics out there I can do mechanics I don't think you want to hear mechanics so much unless you're new and if you're knew you should go to your sponsor he'll teach you mechanics But where am I with this? There's something that says God will bring debt to every identity that doesn't come from him. In order for me to experience what 10 and 11 is talking about, I'm no expert here. I'm not an example of what an AA member should be. I'm not a model for AA. It's just where I'm at in my experience. But when I came in here, all these identities of what I'm supposed to be like after a year sober, what I was supposed to have, what I wasn't supposed to achieve, coupled with ideas, attitudes, and emotions. And what God did was take a sledgehammer to all of them to where it began to hurt in order to get me spiritually fit to go out and do his work. I'm no longer seeking comfort I'll be honest with you when I say comfort for me is a four letter word I said it earlier it's based on what I think I need to be comfortable which are usually the things that are going to take me further away from him comfort is always based on external stuff comfort enough money comfort the relationship comfort the right job comfort the new car it's always outside which is subject to change at any moment. So I find comfort in this boatload of money. What happens when there's no money? I find comfortable in a relationship, which is great, but what happens when he or she leaves? Oh, God forbid it passes away. I find confident in this job and I pass the honeymoon phase and I don't like the job because I'm not making enough or I get fired or I got laid off. That's gone. Spiritual joy, Thomas Merton talks about this, is untouchable by anything because it's God's stuff. Spiritual joy is the goal, and that is a result of having conscious contact with God. Spiritual joy means whether I have a boatload of money or I'm going from week to week, there's an undercurrent I'm gonna be okay. We know lots of folks who are wealthy who can't stay sober, want to blow their brains out, and we got cats walking in here or just making it from week-to-week and you just want to get around them. It's spiritual joy. and what 10 and 11 allows me to do is experience that okay that in what feels like my most weakest most vulnerable moment when my prayer comes down to and it's a complete prayer help I don't know what to do when I'm telling God what to doing it's all self-reliance I don't know what to do about this. And I'm feeling weak and I'm feeling vulnerable, I'm feeling way too transparent maybe with the sponsor or a friend. It's in those places where I have experienced God's great strength. It's when I'm feelin' strong and I got it together and I am claiming I am now spiritual, I got God is when I am running on me and I just lost it. Somehow, someway, it's one of those things that don't make sense if you put it on a spreadsheet but when I'm striving and trying to get to God and do any inventory, I hope it works God please help, is when I am in the sunlight of the Spirit. See you can hear it and see it. I am the last one to find out The opposite is when I think I am going to die I think I am in the sunlight of the Spirit and I am just so spiritual and I hate this guy he is so obnoxious We can hear it The soul is always right It knows where to go, what to say, what to do and how to be. You know when you're sitting in a meeting and someone says something and we all do it, we go like, yes, do that nod, the yay-yay nod. It's just automatic. You just go, yep. Some of us really do, but it's that little affirmation, yes. What is that? That's the soul acknowledging what it always knew. It's not being dissected up in the head. We go, oh, that's interesting. I can use that at home. That's pretty good. I don't know what it meant, but it sounds really good. So that's the head rolling with it. Then there's this other thing where you go, yeah, absolutely. It's the soul, which is what I need to get. And what AA does is feed me an abundance of soul food. I can get a nice vape the size of this big book. I don t drink and go to CrossFit like I see a lot in South Florida. Right, Amy? I can look good, get the tan, get the muscles, get the girl, get the whole thing, get the old nine going and get loaded 20 minutes later. But if I'm looking to experience God's glory, I probably have it. If I think I have it, it's probably when I lost it. this work that we get to do for fun and for free speaks loudly for the power that cannot be spoken about so what has happened as a result of not only this work but I do church along with not instead of it's changed, 10-11 has changed for me relationships have changed for my my outlook on life has changed and not perfect You know, I fall short. I miss the mark. I become afraid. I become fearful. I get resentful. Watch me when the Yankees lose to the Red Sox. I don't look sober when that stuff happens. But life, it happens. And sometimes you can do all the right things and find yourself in a ditch. Sometimes you do all right things for someone and they'll betray you. and for me spirituality is really the strength if you will I can't think of a better word of where I am spiritually is what happened when life hit you with a tsunami and you're flat on your back or you're in the ditch it's what am I doing in there because I can be really spiritual with a bunch of money in my pocket a new car, a new house and I just hit powerball I'm very spiritual at that point how about when it's all gone can I be grateful for anyone can be grateful for a banquet the woman Carolyn Mace talks a lot about this can I being grateful when the cupboard is bare that I'm above ground sucking air and sober and there's hope that I'll never go I haven't I have not gone hungry I've not been homeless since I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous my mind says we're going to go hungry and we're gonna be homeless tomorrow so what has replaced fear for the most part is an undercurrent of god i don't know how it's going to get better i don'T KNOW WHEN IT'S GOING TO GET BETTER BUT I KNOW I'M GOING TO BE OKAY THE STORM WILL PASS AND I WILL STILL BE HEAD UP AND SHOULDERS SQUARE WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY 10 AND 11 WHERE AM I CURRENTLY WITH 10 AND11 currently, like as recent as say last night or how did I do today because my mind is always, always, looking to get in there and destroy anything godly, anything good I can't tell how many times I would be sitting on my couch and I look around as palm trees outside it's 85 degrees out in the middle of January and the job is good, the money's good. I look at Mary and I just, I hit lottery here. I look at her and I'm in awe and the health, everything's good, the car's good the neighborhood's good everything's great everything's going oh my God I'm so grateful it's so good and then my mind says wait a minute how old are you now? How many more years do you think you've got of this stuff? And you've had a lot to do. So all of a sudden I go from bleak to bliss. I've got to go hiking, snorkeling, fishing, camping now. Got to make a million dollars now. I can do all this stuff now and everyone's in my way right now and suddenly I'm miserable. I go from Moses to Rambo in 20 minutes. That's what the mind does. I've gotta come back, come back. And when we talk about 10 and 11 I had a sponsor, Mark H., who talked about the word turn. he had us meditate on the word turn pray to turn and that was as I'm going through my day I turn, turn in in order to go out if I don't turn in I will go without turn, he said you turn in today turn, term, term that has stayed with me his thumbprint is on my soul turn, now I would love to tell you I do that perfectly but I don´t but I do it a heck of a lot better than I did yesterday or the day before. It's about turning in. Can we be impeccable with our word? When I'm agitated or doubtful, what do I do? Try to fix it? Cast them off? Gossip, slander? Get frustrated? Take my toy and go home? Turn in? Okay, God, your will, not mine, be done. Am I going to God in the morning and I do every morning? Show me how to carry the vision of your will into my activities not my will into my activities and some of those things God wants me to do is going to make me really uncomfortable that cross is going to feel heavy today oh God I can't do another step I'm tired and I'm weary I'm thirsty God says I got you take one more step you'll be fine and take another step you'd be fine and I get there and I say I'm fine I'm good I doubted me I doubt him and when a cross gets too heavy if I look close enough his hand's under it holding it how awake do I want to be here because again I'm not trying to push on anybody but for me this whole thing called Alcoholics Anonymous boils down to Dr. Bob said love and service how do I practice love how do i practice service for me it's about where am I my relationship with God. Not talking about God, that doesn't take much effort. Study some books. I have a conversation with you. Here's some soundbites at a meeting. I repeat it. An intimate, the most intimate relationship. I have an intimate relationship with Mary. This is more intimate than that because everything hinges on my relationship with this power called God. What am I doing about that? When our book talks about growing and understanding and effectiveness, what am I going? Checking boxes. I know the book, I can recite the book and I check boxes, do this, I do this and I find myself still empty. Still trying to get something. Looking outside to feel okay in here. And outside doesn't treat in here, God treats in here." one of the prayers I work with is God I believe help me with my unbelief because God's given me enough insight into me to know that I'm going to have doubt the carpenter had in the garden of Gethsemane he doubted He doubted. That means I'm not going to doubt because I go to AA meetings. I doubt, skepticism, fear. Beth talked about this morning, God's not going to work right here. So I have to take over. He's not paying attention. So I go to God. Father, I believe. Help me with my unbelief. Very often, my prayer in the morning on bended knees is help about anything. He already knows. I don't have to petition God to make a negotiation transaction with God as if he's not hip to what's going on in my life or your life or our lives. Like, he doesn't know what's going on down there. Of course it's God. What I can do is treat God like a person and people like God. So I Turn in in order to go out. I turn in in ordered to go out and take a look at what I'm doing to grow in understanding and effectiveness. And besides that prayer, God, I believe, help me with my unbelief. I have some books that I read. You know the one pages in the morning? I got away from that for a long time because I got attached to that stuff. How to read, how to read this, how do you read that? And it became an idol worshiper. If I read all of these somehow I'm going to have a great day. Where's God in that? If I pray right and speak in tongues, I'm gonna have a good day. I'm having a great day. As if I can command the spirit to do something. Because I'm gunna pray a certain way, burn sage, light candles, bang gongs, play the CD music, get all the bells, I got the electric light orchestra going on in front of me. I'm guunna pray all these prayers, I'm gunna read Meditation for Men, 24 hour upper book, upper room I'm reading all this stuff and somehow God's going to say good job, great day for you and then I got a woman here who's a single parent because the husband's drunk she's got three kids trying to get one ready for preschool, gotta take the other two to school and kids are not feeling good and she gets five minutes that morning but as a great mother and God's going to say if you didn't read enough bad day for you it doesn't work that way what's my intent and how am I living that's what he's interested in that's who I am that's where my God's interested in I was sharing with Marian people have asked me what does chopped wood carry water mean I don't know where it came from I don' t know how it stuck with me I understand there's a lot of books out there but really sums up a lot of how I try to live and it's in scripture it's Matthew 6 1 to 30 or 1 to 34 it's it when I look at it, it's my 11th step it was done 2,000 years ago we're duplicating what was out there for the longest time and that's where great Bill was a visionary and fearless he borrowed from everyone plus whatever God gave him I believe help me in my unbelief and in the morning my current sponsor gave me some things to read some Christian stuff and some Eastern stuff just to center me open me up a little bit because as I said I can't command the Spirit to do anything but even my prayers what my prayers have come down to is honoring this power called God and centering me. Okay, I'm talking to God right now. Not like my sponsor, the guy down the block with Amen. This is the guy. This is The Power. And what those prayers allow me to do is kind of get centered in that. I spend a lot of time praying for people. Not to Joe's, not feeling like I pray for Joe, pray for suffering in the world, but knowing all the while well, maybe God needs to call Joe home. And if he calls Joe home, it's not that my prayers weren't answered. They were answered. God needed Joe home but I do that anyway. Instead of being a self-seeker, God has given me, us, more of a servant's heart. We don't do it perfect but thinking about others and less about ourselves. To a fault, actually. To a falt. Sometimes our cupboard is bad because we've given it all away. But God is always replenishing it. Here's what I have found out. For me, if I'm truly doing God's work, I'll go in and out safe and protected. And I'm going to say something just for me. You don't have to buy this and if you're a doctor, you can fight with me later. when everything a couple of places opened up uh conferences first one was in texas and they said we're using about 300 people there'll be 100 people here because of the covid thing you're still interested in coming i said sure i don't need to be behind a podium and he said it's very brave of you i said no it isn't because god speaks through a group conscience our traditions tell us that. And a group conscience dictated by God says, get Joe, get Peter to spread my message. Because it's his message anyway. Why would God get me sick for doing that? If I had a... If me and Rick get a call, we've got to go get Joey's in the crack house, right? We've got to go pull him out. Or he's in his apartment shooting dope or drinking himself to death. Me and Rick can go in there. We'll go in and get him pregnant with detox. We'll come out unharmed because we're doing God's work. We're not going to get drunk on that. See, armor of God, nothing's going to penetrate. And that's just for me. You don't have to believe that. You don'T have to like it. It's just For Me. That's where I am with my God. And I'm not going To be a fool either. God gave me a brain to use. Our book says that. I remember one time being in Mexico and I was coming home from a meeting and I'm walking and there was a shortcut that cut through the next block like a long alleyway. and it was dark out and I was about to go through the alleyway and I see in about four guys hanging out drinking God says we're not walking down that way I'm not a fool he says go the long way to your hotel and that's what I did God gave us brains to use so my 11th step what I'd like to talk about is the 10th step promises we read a lot of 9th step promises in AA and they're great but the 10 step promise you know if I was running AA at a beginners meeting I'd throw this out at a newcomer who's in this place drink not drink, drink not drink, sex no sex gamble no gamble, act out that whole thing, depressed happy, depressed, just the whole thing and then we tell the newcomer this we've ceased fighting anything or anyone you know the internal warfare we have going on sometimes I talked about it last night when COVID hit and the politics and the whole thing, I'm going to get on my horse draw the sword and go in put everybody in order as if God can't do that cease fighting anything or anyone even alcohol for by this time sanity will have returned back in step 2 that was the pointer out being restored to sanity here we are in step 10 I'm in this place. This, by the way, we've had a personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism. This is the awakening right here. What 11 allows me to do is enhance the awakening and 12 guarantees we're going to have it but it says go practice these principles and go help others. Take this and go with it. Give it all away. Spread it around and I'll continually replenish you. For by this time sanity, wholeness of mind, truth, solution, living one with God will have return. If I have conscious contact with God, if I'm living in oneness with God. Not perfect. I don't want to. I hope I'm not sounding that way. Broken and flawed on the car that leaks oil. God's OK with that. He likes broken toys. I will be safe and protected. I will live in that light. And not because I'm a special member. I went through the steps a bunch of times. It's just God's mercy on someone who can't tie their shoes without six people helping them. That's me. I'll seldom be interested in liquor if, that's a big if, tempted, I recoil from it as from a hot flame. Marion talked about that the other night with the champagne in her hand and something got in the way of that. What gets in theway of that? God's armor. I've done a bunch of 12 step calls in my life A bunch of them And gone in and got the alcohol down the sink The dry goods in the toilet The pipes or whatever was there Wrap them up, throw them in the garbage As if I was picking up a water bottle I'm not that good I'm not that awake I'm just a little bit I'm like I'm not that special but God is I wasn't looking at the lick and say well I should save a little just in case or want to jump into the toilet because all the cocaine I just flushed oh wait hold on go in and untouched in and out untouched I react sanely and normally and I find that this has happened automatically this is the good part see page 24 alludes to this, and not a guaranteeing it, that I don't have to remember where I come from, think the drink through, play the tape to the end, keep it green. This is being done for me. This is being done for me. Like a little child, you know, when he's getting dressed, mama puts on his shoes and ties the laces. He just puts his foot out. Or she just puts her foot. He knows, or she knows, mama's going to put my shoes on. Mama puts them on, ties the little shoes, puts his jacket. He knows mom's going to dress him. Just knows it. He doesn't do anything or she doesn't have to do anything. This is God doing this for me as a result of the first nine steps. I'm in his light. We are. We will soon see that a new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on my part. We're going to stay away from this thinking, this broken instrument. It's a flawed model. It's got holes in it. The mind, anything my mind comes up with has got a motive and me as an alcoholic with a motive ought to be considered armed and dangerous. Not good. I have no good motives. Yeah? I have not good motives This mind is a four-letter word. It is not good. Even when I come up with this is going to be a great idea it's probably got me attached to it somewhere in there that I'm going to get something out of it. Something about altruism there's no thought. You just, something go do this. You know when you're sitting in a meeting and someone says, go talk to that guy. I don't know who I'm going to talk to. I don'T know why. Hello, how are you? And he's falling apart. What told me to do that? How many times I'm gonna go to the Monday night X meeting and somewhere there it says, we should try that meeting in that bad neighborhood. Who's telling me to go there? And I go and I get lit up on the way out. Something told me to do something to do. And conversely, I'll do what I want to do, get disappointed and get home and say, something told me not to go that. Who is that? Who's speaking to me? You know that little voice? Sometimes we listen to it, and sometimes we don't. And we look back and say, something told me to make this call. I can't believe I made the call. Something told me that call, and I didn't, and he's gone. Who is this? Who is not coming from this? This is all about me all the time. and no matter where I'm at it's stuck on more it's gluttonous I'm not fighting it neither am I avoiding temptation, I feel as though I've been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected I have not even sworn off instead, this is unbelievable the problem has been removed this borders on arrogance the problem's been removed not cured, removed which gives me a whole lot of space to work with others I'm not consumed with me and my little plans and designs I'm ready to really go to work for God instead the problem has been removed and he goes on to say it does not exist for us this is the place where we recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body can that get into my sex life my money life other addictions absolutely how many fellowships have been born out of AA where people have some sort of sanity in those areas now God is God it does not exist for me and the hook is this it hinges on my spiritual condition I shouldn't get arrogant with this I shouldn't rest on my laurels about this. I shouldn'T think I got it now. But I keep chopping wood and carrying water. It's really nice if I was to tell my sponsor, I want more God. I love God. I love the effect produced by God. I want More God. And I start reading more books. And I'm writing twice the amount of inventory. Now I'm going to church three times a week and I'm doubling up on me. So I want MORE God. And you say, well that guy's working really hard. Pete's working really hard, he wants more God. But at some point I go from desiring more God to just being running the show again. I'm looking for a desired effect from God. What if God says, Pete, this is all you're getting of me till you meet me in the next life. This is it. Can I be okay with that? and this I got from my grant sponsor many years ago he said in his raspy voice kid what if this is all God's going to give you he was theorizing what if you have right now what you feel is abundance of God that's all you're getting God put a lid on it can you be okay with that can you be okay just being a spoke in a very big wheel can you be okay just sitting in the back of the room, no more speaking, just passing a message? Can you be okay with that? Because if you can't, then you're going to do things based on self-war and riot to get what you want. And all it's going to doing is make you go further and further away from this power. I'm going to sell my soul now for my own comfort level or surrender everything to live in his light. It says I'm not cured of alcohols and what I have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. There was a book I read, a work with a long time ago called Care of the Soul and when I read Maintenance of My Spiritual Condition for me it means caring of the soul not staying put. Caring of the sole. getting my soul food through prayer through meditation through working with others living in all three sides of our triangle every day here's my prayer every day is a day I must this is not a suggestion carry the vision of his God's will into all my activities again I would love to report to you that I do this perfect as long as I'm awake sometimes I fall short but my goal is to do that same thing with prayer Some days I'm in prayer and there's a lot of praying for others coming out. And I can feel that energy. And other times I'm down to help. I don't need to work that hard. Most good ideas are simple. See, July 14th, 1959, I was born. I popped out of mama. I'm sure the doctor gave me a little slap on the behind. Took my first breath on my own. And one day God will call me home and I'll take my last breath. That first breath, that last breath was a prayer and every breath since in between is a prayer. I've been in prayer. We have been in pray since the day we popped out. And we wake up to the days, oh my God, I'm a living prayer. I'm walking prayer and it's this mind and this thing called alcoholism that wants to get me out of it. Mark Houston called me up one morning It was around 5 or 6 in the morning, and his nickname for me was Money. He says, Money, what's shaking? It's like 5 or 7 in the afternoon. It's 6 in a morning. There's nothing shaking. I'm sleeping. I says, not much. He says. What are you doing about the dash? Mark had a deep commanding voice. He was great. What are You doing about to dash? I says to dash. I don't know. Multiple choice. I don' t know. What are. What are YOU doing about that? dash, what are you doing about the dash? What I found out later on is he was up at four meditating and praying. He called me and he was all juiced up about this. Call me. What are you dealing about the dash. What do you do about the desk. I says Mark what is a dash. I don't know if this dashes. And he says if you go to a cemetery there's a headstone. There's a person's name and there's date when God brought them here. There is a date when god took them home and right in the middle of two inch dash that was their life while they were alive. What you doing about the dash? Squandering it away. Because my group went from a beginners meeting to a traditions meeting, oh my god I'm gonna die. Or my boss didn't say hello to me in the hallway or someone's gossiping about me oh my God and I'm you know churning it stirring I'm now I'm stirring the pot and getting my team assembled to get them out of my home. What am I doing about to dash because we're here in and out quick. This ain't a long ride. If we live to be 100, it's not going to be enough. And I can say tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, I will do this. I'll go to that workshop. I'll do the steps. I'm going to do this thing. I'll make it right. Tomorrow, tomorrow. And then one day, tomorrow is today and it's too late. Bless his heart, Don P, the story I got. He told his wife, I'm ready. He closed his eyes and went home. Rather than fighting the whole way, I've got to do stuff. So to get out of here because I already did my hour here. On awakening is really super important to me. I can't see just blowing that off. So on awakening, what I do is literally, this has been with me a long time, I open my eyes and once I'm coherent, it's like I'm a Catholic. Thank you God for this day. I make a prayer to God before my feet hit the ground. And then I have in our office prayer room, I have like what I call an altar, meditation mat and all my stuff. And that's where I go to, my secret place. And I share that with you because that's my job for this assignment here. But I don't run around telling everyone how I pray. And when we do the Lord's Prayer, I usually say it to myself. I don' t have to stand on a street corner and convince everyone to follow God. If you ask me what I do, I will gladly talk to you at length about it. I don't need to tell you about the good deeds that God allows the two of us to do unless I'm presenting like this and there's a reason for it. If you ask me privately, I will tell you. But I go to this place on awakening. And it isn't to make me some spiritual guru for the day. It's because God kept me ticking through the night. And I'm waking up to someone I adore and I'm not drunk and I have a purpose-driven life and I give thanks for that. and I go through my day and I'm checking in with God throughout the day sometimes I have to write inventory in the middle of the day because I've been hooked that fear hooked me and I can't wait for later or that resentment has got me we've shared inventory a few times with each other over the phone and at night it's important prayer of thanks and get quiet for a little bit review where I've Ben, today, where did I miss the mark? There was someone in the men's that I screw up today. And that's, her and I, I was sharing, you know, we do this a lot, almost every morning. You know, Mary said, God's put something on my heart. I want you to read something out of scripture. I want to read some time of God's calling or something like that. Or maybe I'll share with Mary, if something just, I don't know, this is what I got this morning. And that leads into other things, which leads into if we're having, if something didn't go right yesterday or, you know, something she needs to talk to me about. And sometimes I just tell Marion, I'm just afraid, you see? You know? And she'll lift my head up. It's okay to do that. Okay. The only thing... This came to me in a meditation. The only things God... You know, when God lays something on your heart, you usually don't have to write it down. It's like it's on your hard and you just, it's there. Sometimes we have to right stuff down. You know something will, where did that come from? You write it done. But I have found, and so is Mary, a lot of times something will come to us in meditation and it stays with you, like my first and last name. It's there, and what came to me in the meditation one time, kind of, for me, really encompasses all of this. The only thing God wants from me is my soul. And I give him my soul and he's given me a life. And I've given him my life and he has given me direction. He's given my purpose. And over and over and again I've been giving God my sinfulness and he continues to give me forgiveness. I've giving God my drunkenness And he's given me sobriety. I've given God my sobriete, and he's giving me the sacred rooms called Alcoholics Anonymous. Everything, and I literally mean everything, I'm not exaggerating, the clothes I'm wearing, my relationship with Marion, my friendships, my laptop that I do Zoom on, my career, my car, whatever I have in the bank, what I eat, where I live, everything, my current sponsor, my old sponsors, everything, the shoes I'm wearing, everything I have, I owe to you and to a loving God. And all the pain and misery that has been cut out when I thought it shouldn't be cut out, I owe it to you, and God. I am not a rich guy. But if I look at my life in Alcoholics Anonymous, my relationship with God, my relationship with Mary, my relationships with friends, I am very, very wealthy. Because what God allows a bum like me who lived in an abandoned building, who despised him to do, he allows me to do his work and to continue to chop wood and carry water and stay in that kind of life. For this, I'm so overpaid. But I understand this precious gift, how fragile it is. So I don't screw with it. I give it away and he keeps filling me up because the vessel that God's filling up is a solid vessel faith is only as good as the container it's in and he's made this container solid so when he pours his spirit into me it sits there and I can give it away to you and for this I'm forever grateful that's all I got peace Thank you, Peter.