2nd March Through the Steps Workshop – Part 5 of 5 – 2022 – Peter M.

And while we're passing the baskets, I'm going to ask Tim to come up and read something for step three. Definitely in a room full of alcoholics, man. My name's Tim, I'M AN ALCOHOLIC. Now we're going to talk about what the problem really is, I guess. Selfishness and self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking and self pity We step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate Sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation But we invariably find that sometime in the past We have made decisions based on self Which later placed us in a position to be hurt So our troubles we think are basically of our own making They arise out of ourselves and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us. God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without his aid. Many of us have had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even if we would like to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help. Thanks for letting me read. Thanks, Tim. And so for our speaker on step three, I've had the fortune of being able to talk to Peter a few times. and um yeah i mean the last time we were here uh i had listened to a talk of peter's i didn't really i had met him once or heard him once in florida when i wasn't ready and i remember talking to the guy sitting next to me and i said oh that's the kind of guy you get to sponsor him he said you should ask him he'll sponsor you and i say no that's the kind of guy you get to sponsor you that's precisely what i said i told the story last time so i wasn't gonna tell today but uh and over the years i've gotten to see uh the value of of what he talks about um the last time he was here we we talked briefly and i just asked him a couple questions and i relate to a lot of like the introvertness of that he talks about sometimes and and i Just ask them you know you know what's the solution that he kind of told me just to be yourself and uh and in the last three years i haven't got an opportunity to see him but that's been a lot to me um it's helped me out a lot with being useful to other men and even in just just life um and the second thing i want to say he talks a lot about uh if these old ideas are still happening they're still current and uh i would listen to that stuff and i'm like man that sounds really cool but i have no idea what he's talking about and over the last last year especially you know thanks to listening guys like that and continuing to write some inventory I've seen exactly what the man's talking about and hopefully you guys do too. So with that, I give you Peter So I grow on you My name is Peter recovered alcoholic Gratefully alive and sober and part of a sacred place called alcoholics anonymous I thank the group for having all of us up here. It's great to see friends and get to spend a weekend together. I remember last time we were supposed to be up here, this thing called COVID decided to be a huge inconvenience to my life. And I remember, I forget who I was speaking to on the phone. I said, I'll come up alone. I don't care. I just, I refuse to let this thing call COVID, you know, keep me in lockdown. And then I went to, well isn't it sad those folks in the northeast are in lockdown But down here in Florida we're loosey-goosey Then they shut Florida down And I was sitting in my apartment Such a self-centered alcoholic And everything was shut I couldn't believe that Florida shut down Especially that I lived there, they shouldn't do that And there were no meetings to go to and then the last straw was where I get my hair cut they closed down so this was serious stuff and I'm sitting in my apartment and I am going I can't believe they did this I actually believe it I am not kidding you this mind had me believing that I was the only guy in the whole globe of AA that couldn't get to a meeting that night that was physical and I was furious and what I went into was I started naming all the politicians I despised, it was their fault a certain political party it was theirs fault and the people of Florida who didn't stand up for this it was all their fault it was everyone's fault and what i found myself doing was getting really really resentful and then followed by a little depression followed by the world's gonna end and And for a guy like me, for a guy who was a civilian, that's not a good place to go. And how can I possibly live a life of contemplation? How can I be contemplative? Live in the sunlight of the spirit if I'm doing stuff like that and taking sides? It's not about burying my head in the sand and pretending nothing happens. You're having a spirit of apathy and I don't care what they do. It isn't that at all. But if I can get into a place of neutrality, safe and protected, understand God's underlying everything, then when I do get involved it's productive. It's fair. It has integrity. It Has dignity. We can agree to disagree and learn from each other. But where I was that particular afternoon sitting in this little, I guess you call it a Florida room, I was livid. and so what I do when that stuff happens is it's kind of like once you realize you're down the rabbit hole as soon as I realize I'm no longer going down the rabbit hole and it's okay I need to go back into my little prayer room and get on my knees and not do a transition with God not do an negotiation with God but surrender all of this angst to God and let him if he will give me a better attitude about this stuff. And that took a little bit. It didn't just, I pray and okay, I'm great now. It took some time and it got to the point where I had to stop watching the news and kind of get away from all of that and get some spiritual soul food. And so I'm grateful really to be here. When Brad contacted me, it all came back, you know, hey, we were supposed to be there like, seems like 100 years ago. You know, in time we have, in biblical, you have BC and AD. We're all talking PC, like pre-COVID, after COVID. I mean, is that pre-covid? I got an idea when you're talking about it. It's bizarre what has happened to us. So I'm thrilled to be here. Anyway, a very long introduction to tell you my name is Peter. I'm a recovered alcoholic, and the loving God separated me from alcohol on June 23rd, 1988. And I'm very, very grateful for this gift. I am grateful to get out and be able to talk about the good news that was presented to me from the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous, to be able to share my experiences with this fellowship which was a band-aid on an open wound when I first got here. I was clueless. I just was so broken inside and I was able to get to a point of realizing how busted up I was in here, how lost I was, and knowing that intuitive voice that God was working with me and through me with days. I didn't need to go through the steps of suddenly, oh, it's God, but sometimes we get those little God moments that I needed to be on this team. I didn' t know how to do it. I didn''t even know who Bill and Bob was. I remember being in a meeting in Wisconsin because I was in my 7th treatment center in Minnesota and they would take us over this little bridge into this college town and we'd go to this meeting and there's Bill and Bob, you know how they were dressed in the day proper with suit and ties on. And I thought they were like union leaders of AA. I didn't know what they were doing. I thought they were friends of my father. They had to collect money and shake everyone down. I don't knowwhat was going on. But and someone said, no, those are our co-founders, Bill and bob. And about two weeks later, a new guy sitting next to me. He's got like three days. I got a big 14 days and I'm pointing out to Bill and Bobby at all time. He says, no you got it wrong. That's Bill and that's Bob. So that's where I was at. I didn't know what the steps were and the traditions. I mean, I don't know What's going on. But the most important thing for me at that moment was I knew I needed to be on your team because I'm dying. I'm physically sober, and I'm still dying. And I'm very grateful to what we call the program of recovery that's inside this fellowship. And sometimes we can work a really good fellowship and get anemic, spiritually sick anyway. without doing a program, and this isn't about, these weekends I've learned it's not about who has a better program, who works a perfect program. I haven't met anyone yet, a lot of pretenders, but none of that's real. We just chop wood and carry water, and let God do all the heavy lifting. You know, it's really interesting, when I was first getting new, I'm applying myself to do the steps, thinking I'm really doing the steps and I'm keeping me sober, and my sponsor said to me, who's really keeping you sober while you do an inventory? Who's keeping, who kept you sober before you even knew to do an imagery? So it all trickles back to God. And the sacred legacy of service, whether we're doing group commitments, GSR, DCM, or the basic service we provide in Alcoholics Anonymous, per comes of age is one drunk work with another. And for me, once I lose that, I have no AA. For me it's the lifeline back to you getting those young'uns come in here and not the retreads who have all the information and they just want to tell you how to sponsor them, you know those guys? But I'm talking about though we got some I think treatment center folks here today you're our future. It's about getting those folks who have no clue. It's a clean eraser board and you can teach them what AA is and what AA is not and so I'm grateful for those things and in June of 88 just to let you know why I'm here and that I do qualify to be here, in June of 88 I had been through six treatment centers already and at this point my My family wanted nothing to do with me. This is what they didn't love me. They didn't know what to do with me and my type, the type of behavior I exhibit drunk obviously and when I'm dry is not very good. I'm not a nice guy. So I was under the delusion when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was a really nice young guy who just had some tough breaks, lost his mom and you know this is why I wind up. But that's not the truth because left untreated, I'm not a good guy. I'm Not the stick-up guy. I'm NOT the beat-you-up-on-the-street-corner guy, but I'm not a Good Guy. I'm envious. I'm jealous. I'm a rageaholic, not always outwardly, but inwardly, this internal rage about everything. Growing up, I would put my fist through walls. My dad plastered so many holes in the house where I would throw things. That's how I would do that. I wouldn't hit you, because I'm afraid of getting hit back. But I break stuff. And the release I got was getting drunk. Six treatment centers by the time 1988 showed up, and for the little dope fiends out there, I know all about the non-conference approved dry goods that destroyed me. I walked away from that about two years before I got sober about, and I was drinking and eating pills, and I couldn't get away from that. And I despised myself for what I had turned into. I knew what I was. I knew my family despised me. They didn't know what to do with me. They locked the doors on me. No one would even, you know, look at me. And I would curse myself, as Bill says, for being a weakling. That I can't, this pint of whiskey owns my life and I can'T get away form it no matter what the consequences are. my alcoholism will pay will get to life by taking mine that's what drunk or sober and if I look because we live life forward and understand it backwards when I look at my life you know my alcohol-ism that thing that takes over me will pay any price tomorrow to seek comfort today and that can happen to me in recovery yeah that's called sex sprees and food sprees and money sprees and gambling sprees and all sorts of sprees. I notice it's not good, but I just got to do it now and I'll figure it out tomorrow. I might get caught, but i got to do it down and figured out tomorrow now I start to lie cheating still to protect that because I need to do that and all it is my alcoholism go underground and resurface in other areas and nowhere nowhere in that equation do I put call upon the power to put the brakes on because he could have would if he was soft but I don't seek them what I'm seeking is to get out of this thing I'm in I'm wrapped up tighter than a Major League Baseball, so I go there to seek comfort. All it does is make it even tighter. A little bit of a relief and it gets even tighter I don't know what to do and eventually I know what will work is a pint of whiskey and then I can breathe again only to go right back into the vicious cycle. I'm damned if I do and damned ifI don't. And what's really important because I've seen a lot of cats crash and burn who had tons of information and forgot about the transformation in here that I can die from alcoholism without ever putting a drink in me. I could be walking around, Mary had talked to us about this, what a head full of knowledge and correcting people in a meeting and telling them they're quoting the big book wrong and I'm completely looney tunes in Alcoholics Anonymous. When I go to meetings, information doesn't impress me. At the beginning it does. It's good. Oh, that sounds really profound. I'm going to share it, make believe it's mine. You know, we do stuff. Or maybe we take notes, which is a great thing. But I'm not impressed with information anymore. Not like I used to. What I like to hear is when my sponsor gives me some insight into me that I can't see. That's what impresses me. With a loving hand. I don't need a firm hand like I use to anymore. That's what impressed me because anyone, we can get a kid out of school, you know, a high school or local community college and say, we want you to study the first 164 pages. Take 90 days to do it and come back and give a talk on the 12 steps. People found them. They'll just regurgitate what they learned. So it doesn't impress me. What really impresses me is the person who's living with the freedom this book talks about, who's a walking example of this power. That when I pray, it looks like I'm praying and when I get up, I forget about I'm praying and you say, this guy never prayed. Am I a walking prayer? Am I living example of God? And the third step it talks about, we're agents for God. That means I represent God. We collectively as a community called Alcoholics Anonymous, a fellowship, we're supposed to go out and represent God, not be God in here. We're preaching to the choir. unless we have a young'un and we're trying to teach them what we've done and keeping opinions out of it. But it's about going out there and letting the drunk who doesn't know we exist, we exist. And we don't know who that's going to be. It could be the cash register at a supermarket for God's sake. Oh, here comes that lunatic again. Then we find out that lunatics in AA don't ever come here. Or maybe taking this into my home occupations in a fair. This is vital. I'm attracted to those folks. live a life of rigorous honesty I feel really blessed not that we're better or less than anyone but we do house cleaning with each other every morning after our prayer and completely transparent with each other. I've never had this before but I felt safe enough and God woke me up enough to say hey let's just do this and it happened organically It's so important It's so important that I can be transparent with the sponsor even if it hurts me to say it like you gotta know this about me yuck because the only thing i want to hold on to dirt is ego because you might think less of me so think highly of me while you're throwing dirt on me you know or if you want to think a little less of my life i'm free and i'm flying around but june 23rd 1988 showed up and i would i was living in uh alphabet city in lower manhattan Some of you older guys might remember the lower Manhattan, Alphabet City was a really sordid spot. And it was full of junkies, the winos, a lot of thieves. The crack scene hit. So now it was infested with the crack scene. And really the only folks who lived there were the folks who couldn't get out, who were in the projects, who couldn'T get out. They had enough money to get out so they were stuck with animals like me running through their neighborhood, throwing through their buildings, copping in their buildings. All sorts of stuff. You guys know the life. And I would sit literally on a park bench in the projects and drink my life away. And then I started to get really, really sick and really, Really weak. I'm 200 pounds right now and I was 130 back then. And I'm urinating blood. I have hepatitis C and I'm dying and I'm cold and sweating at the same time. I didn't know that was withdrawal I'm going through. It wasn't like I lay off the stuff for a little while and then go back on it, I'm drunk. I have no idea what it's like to come to AA and get six months and get drunk. I never did that. I was drunk from my first treatment center to my last treatment center. I was junk. If I wasn't arrested, I was on the streets drunk or in the pursuit of getting drunk and I was always stuck in the maw. I mean maw, I was stuck in a maw and I was literally sitting on a park bench and drinking my life away but I got so feeble and so frightened you know a 10 year old kid would knock me on my back at that point and my dad's money and connections kept me from going to prison but I knew at some point my number was going to come up and I wasn't going to go to prison not in this condition anyway it ain't any condition but especially in this situation And so I took up residency in the back of an abandoned building in lower Manhattan. I think about it now, sometimes it seems like a million years ago and sometimes it can touch like last week, but I think that I was in a building and I think I think where I was at, that not it was okay, but I sought some refuge in the back of another abandoned building. Every once in a while a crackhead would run through, a junkie would run through some other one, but no one wanted any hassles. No one wanted to go to jail. and I never had money. I looked like a bum, so they knew they couldn't rip me up. There was nothing to take. Take my jug? That's about it. And I would sleep on the floor, and then June 23rd, 1988, showed up, and guys, I didn't even know, and I'm not lying to you, it was the month of June. But I got, if you will, transported out of that abandoned building into my 7th treatment center, and for those of us who've been through treatment, it's interesting, no matter what kind of condition, tore up from the floor up, or you walk into a treatment center, you meet those people called admissions. And they're always so happy to see you. Oh, great, today's the first day of the rest of your life. And you have a fabulous insurance policy. We love you. And she said to me, oh, honey, it's June 23rd. This is your new sober date. And pretty much went right by me. I mean, I heard it, but I don't know what she's talking about. just medicate me. I'm going to implode. And I remember my dad took me there and he's sitting in a room and I don't know what it's like to look at your first born. I come from an Italian American Catholic family. I am the first male born in this generation. The expectations for me were Pope or President. And here I am, you know, in this condition. And they always want to know if you have luggage. If I had luggage, I would have sold it. I wouldn't be here. All the Dauphins got that one. I remember kind of looking at my dad for an answer because I'm wearing what I'm bearing, and I had blood-stained soil pants on, and our construction boots, the right boot was missing the front, And I had a brown turtleneck and a black zip-up jacket that reeked. And I was, like I said, cold and sweaty. And that's it. And that is how they brought me in. My dad sent me some clothes. They were my brother's clothes. You know, I am wearing my brother´s clothes in treatment. When I went to Minnesota, I was still wearing my brothers´ clothes. That is all I had. And someone must have gotten in my dad´s ear because he would never allow that to happen. it was a gentleman, Vince D who's gone to the big meeting in the sky who told my dad just leave him where he's at don't get him clothes don't give him money let him sit in that and he did one of the things the ingredients that saved my life and I was in my second treatment center and I say that for a few reasons when I was 14 years old and I get on my first drunk and I'm fear-based, insecure self-centered, self-seeking it's all about me wherever I am I'm a loser I get drunk and that goes away I go through my 7 treatment center and walk into my first sober AA meeting I'm still the 14 year old kid that being abstinent from alcohol didn't change me much and I spent about two weeks in Amityville, Long Island at this treatment center and they sent me to Minnesota and I started to hear a message out there. But I wasn't doing good and the other reason I share this is even though I'm in my seventh treatment center, now they're taking me to AA meetings and I'm starting to hear stuff little by slowly. They're talking about this God of your own understanding. They talk about powerlessness. They talk About being restored to sanity and a lot of God stuff. I wanted that God. I'm a Catholic. I believed in the carpenter, but I didn't think he was really listening to me. And as far as the czar of the heavens, this big God, the God, I hated him. I would never say I was an atheist, but God is not tangible. I can't feel it. I can' t touch it. I can''t smell it. I can ''t see it. It''s probably some Hallmark card pie-in-the-sky stuff. and if he does exist then why the hell did he turn me into this drunken bum and why did he take my mom via suicide and she never got to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous she went to one shrink after another shrink after another shrink and they upped the medication all the time, they never diagnosed her with some of the psych issues or that she was alcoholic they just loved being on medication half a dozen suicide attempts and she finally does it in January 1974 if there is a God, I don't want this for a friend. I'm not signing up for this and when I would hear people talk about godly things there was a little piece of me that was attracted to it because they were sober and I'm fighting for my life and there was a bigger piece in me saying it's not going to work because this God is cruel. He's going to catch them too there's a booby trap but it's an interesting thing when desperation screams louder than the ego I get beaten into a state of reasonableness, and now I'm willing to try it. I don't believe it's going to work. I really don't think it's gonna work for me, but I'll try it See, am I willing to exchange what I've been doing that I know how it turns out for something new that I've never done, but i see it working out in you? Or am I going to continue to live my life and tell you my story rather than giving the life God is about to give me. Live the life God's about to give me? Do I want to keep just adding new chapters to my story, my problems? I'm struggling with this and I'm always in struggle because I'm alcoholic. I use alcohol as an excuse not to get better when I got the glory of God holding his hand out saying we can go from where you are to the life I have prepared for you. Which means there's going to be more pruning. There's a great price for someone like me who refuses to take the steps and there's also a price for taking the steps. Our book talks about destruction of self-centeredness. Simply put, daily dying for successful living. Peter Marinelli who walked into here in 1988, that guy had to go. And not in my time and not in my way. In his time and in his way, I just to be in the spirit of surrender to whatever he's going to do, I surrender to that. I'm willing to walk through. I'm willing to work on this path that I don't know where it's leading me. I don' t know the methodology to get to this power called God. I know even less about this God but there's a fire that burns in the soul that says put one foot in front of the other because I don''t want this anymore. I just know how to get away from it so I follow you. A total surrender. Which for me, in my life, is absolutely necessary to do any of this other work. And not only just to do the work, but to have a transformation. This personality sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism. I'll go a few more minutes because I have people meditating on me and I know we're hungry. So just a few More Minutes and we'll get out of here, I promise. I got a sponsor and began the journey through the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. And that sponsor showed up to me in Brooklyn. And he was the most disliked guy in my AA circles in Brooklyn and the reason why he was the most dislike guy because he came out of the big book. See, he shared like I get to do now like we get to doing now. He shared his brokenness. We share brokenness in here. When we talk about what it was like we go, me too. We all have the same thing it's called alcoholism. you shared my story no we shared the same alcoholism so he would do that but he was not living in brokenness and he wasn't operating out of brokenness which I get to do today I don't have to operate out of the brokenness I just get to share it so he wasnít liked because he was living in a solution coming out of a book and he talked about God and I wanted what he had to offer and we began a journey I had an idea of what alcoholism was, being an alcoholic. But I didn't know the depths of alcoholism. I didn'T know you can suffer from alcoholism without ever drinking. Somebody said, maybe Scott or Chris, that alcoholism doesn't come in a bottle of whiskey. I thought it did. And so I saw how deep these roots go. That not drinking was a symptom of how to really get down to what was going on in here. The soul sickness. I mean, I don't like you because I don�t like me. I don' t like me because I have no relationship with God. So I might war inwardly or outwardly with everything but the pulse. I'm not okay. I don �t fit well. I don play nice with others. And I could will myself into doing it and reading lots of daily affirmations and positive affirmations, and think of butterflies and rainbows, but short-lived. It doesn�t go for the long haul. How free do I want to be? And again, desperation screams louder than the ego. And I follow. That's what happened to me in the hallway in 1988. I didn't know that was going on, but that's exactly what happened. And when I showed up here, I hit a second bottom in December of 1988. You know, not drink, go to means. Don't drink, don't drink. Don't go to me. I'm just falling apart. And I'm getting thirstier by the day. And I hit another surrender, another bottom. and perhaps that was the bottom one to get me in here and another one to get to a place of surrender of me a sober me and we have these trap doors have trap doors and we all these bottoms but there is the bottom where we don't have to hit anymore we begin to if you will this author talks about falling up and that bottom is when the ego gets disintegrated even briefly there's a vacuum for God to come in and do what God has to do and so i begin this journey through the book and with with step three i was still relying on the conception of god the group of drunks for good orderly direction you were real my sponsor would meet me at a meeting i'm praying to to my god and i'm doing all the things i'm asked to do i'm during the lord's prayer and the serenity prayer you know that i learned our third step I'm doing all of this stuff, and I don't know where it's going to take me. But I knew you guys were going to be at that meeting that night. So that was my group of drunks for Good Holy Direction. I go from a G.O.D., a gift of desperation, to group of drunk drunks with good holy direction. What my sponsor had me do, I remember him telling me, he said, I know we got this little, more than bristlewood antagonism. Chapter 2 agnostics talk about how we see a man's hope rise when we describe our fellowship and fall when we talk about God. There's difficulty with God, agnostics tells us. Well, it's not difficulty with god towards me. It's always me towards god based on my perceptions and conceptions about god and this wise sponsor in Awaken teaches us here's what we're going to do. I'd like you to write down your old conception of god. Write it on paper and write out your current conception of God. Put that down and he says if you can create a relationship with God in the future. Put that down and see what it looks like. There's another woman, Carolyn Mace, who talks about when she tries to help someone, tell me about your God. Who are you praying to? And he kind of narrowed it down for me rather than just God and I'm grasping at straws. Who am I praying to ? What is it going to look like in the future? How do I want to see that relationship come to fruition? I'm free to do that. I can use outside stuff to help me have this experience sometimes you can get so narrow minded big book, big book and I refuse to see where religious people are right I can't use this book who might be helpful too and don't bring the 12 and 12 into my big book meeting because that's blasphemy okay and I did that but the other thing he had me do was write out the third step prayers that appears in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relief, you guys are from the Northeast. You don't talk like that on the street corner. No one talked like that. There's some, what sounds like fancier, educated, higher learning language. God, they offer myself for thee. Almost biblical sounding. I grew up in Brooklyn. You don'T talk like tha. my sponsor knows that he wanted me to grab onto that prayer so it becomes internalized so when I do a third step prayer with him as the book outlines that I know what I'm talking about so he says read line right out line by line what that means to you what does God I offer myself to thee mean to me what is to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt now it means you take me like the wretch i am god do whatever you want with me my hands are off because whatever you do with me no matter how narrow that road is no matterhow much it hurts when you pull when you prune the tree it's got to be better than what i'm doing even if my life looks okay right now even if it feels okay it's going to be better so i wrote that out line by line yeah and i went to my sponsor's house and we're going to do a third step that day to start step four and uh it's interesting because he's a rough tough guy from brooklyn and um you know had a rough tough mouth edgy and i walked into his house and the lights were dimly lit there were a lot of candles. I said, here we go. What do I have to do to get sober? And we went into the living room and he kneeled down and he wanted me to kneel next to him, kind of face to face and he held out his hands and I grabbed his hands and he closed his eyes and said we're going to do a third step prayer I kept one eye open through the whole thing but we did a third step, now I understand what he was doing, it was a sacred moment, it wasn't porn because if I'm not willing to surrender everything to this power called God, 429 is just an education. Nothing's about to happen because God really thinks I mean it when I say I'm going to give you my thinking and my actions. In essence, God, here's my life. I've wrecked it. I'm giving it to you. You do whatever you want with it. It has to be better. And my hands are off the wheel. It's interesting how our books, as we thought well before taking this step, we thought, well, Don P would say, I want you to take a few days, take a week, and think about what you're about to do here rather than just go through it and check boxes. Or I did a third step, I'm into my fourth step and I get into nine and I'm still loony like step one. What are we about to embark on here that my life is none of my business? So I did it there. I did the third step with my sponsor and he followed the instructions. Now if you don't do this it doesn't mean you're a bad AA member. There are no perfect AAs. It's not about comparing notes But the book says next. We lost on the course of vigorous action, so I get up off my knees. We went to the table and we started next, which means he showed me how to do a fourth step. See, in our third step it tells us this, that if this third step decision was to have any permanent effect, it had to be followed at once by the searching fearless immoral inventory. So at the beginning, the way I carry out this third-step decision is by four through nine, death of self-will and life to the spirit. It's really important. I get this. It is really important that I understand that if spirituality doesn't touch every single area of my life, it touches none of my lives. Because conversely when I looked at alcoholism, drinking and sober, alcoholism it permeated every single area in my life until like now, 33 plus years sober I don't have wasms, I have isms guys I might, I've shared this from a million there might be a day where people would say Peter Marinelli is a spiritual being Peter Marinelly has become an enlightened being maybe one day down the road but one thing that's going to be with me till God gives me my last breath is human being which means I'm subject to break down at any moment given the right set of circumstances Enough money, no money. Right job, no job. Whatever it is, this mind starts to think and it overrides everything other except God. That I'm stuck with. And at the beginning when I had this aha moment of oh my God, I'm struck in human beingness. What am I going to do about that? There's no way to be perfect in AA. I thought it was at the begining not going to be a good thing. What a tremendous amount of freedom. What liberty in discovering that I'm flawed and a greater need for God. I'm the car that when it pulls away, there's an oil spot. It leaks oil. It's squeaky. That's my going around. And it keeps my ego outside that I don't have to come in here and pretend somehow I'm beyond reproach. I levitate when you're not looking because I'm an AA member for 30 plus years that's just crazy but to sit down with a newcomer and say that fear you have today I had three days ago welcome to the NFL because I have alcoholism and for anyone new it doesn't mean you stay in here and stay crazy we wake up spiritually we get the soul food and we get to and I mean this, transcend a lot of the things that would eat our lunch but human being when we got here I'll be totally transparent with you when we Got Here Last Night I never heard that preamble before the Maryland preample And I'm sitting there, and good thing that the woman read where it came from. What I thought was some AA group decided to rewrite a preamble, and the bleeding deacon part of me is sitting there going, what did Brad get me involved in? I never heard this thing before. What happened? We make up our own preambles now? And at the same time, I'm going, Father, please just keep me in a safe and protected, open mind, open heart, because I don't know what's going on here. I never read this thing. I've never heard of this thing people. What is this? And then she read a little thing at the end. But God wasn't done with me because I was standing right here, and a woman came up to me. don't know she introduced herself to me and she talked to me that she was on the service structure and when we got done I asked her question what was that preamble and she explained it to me then my shoulders were up here decided to go here got it I understand it now but that's how quick I can go into that see my mind only lets in what it knows what it's familiar with and it has God's contemporary investigation about new stuff, a new wrinkle, a new something. Well, I don't know this. It must be from that other fellowship. It must me from it's therapeutic. Get it out of here. And the part of me that forgets that God uses everything and everyone to get my attention gets lost. so on page somebody they read earlier um in the introduction uh page 62 that the unmanageability is this internal condition never an external one perceptions of the situation are the things that usually cause me pain and suffering rather than the reality of what's going on there's a great caught. I think it's Shakespeare. There's no good, there's no bad, but the mind makes it so. I get a judgment. I got an angle on it. I can be an alcoholic synonymous even when it comes to God and see from the mind, hear from the mind, speak from the mine, be from the mined all my actions or when I start to wake up, I start to operate out of the soul which always knows where to go, what to say, what to do and how to be that's perfect I need to operate out of there and my step three is a decision to get in there and get far away from me as possible I'm better off fighting a guy like Scott in his heyday because after he beats me up he would say he had enough he would walk away right Scott okay just making sure rather than my own alcoholism because when I say I've had enough it keeps going it says this is how and why and this for me is a thing that the whole third step and the rest of the step hinge on my last sponsor, my current sponsor,my first sponsor and a couple of sponsors in between would drill this home to me regularly, and it's this. This is the how and why of it. First, I had to quit playing God. I underscore that. That's it. There's an old joke that what is the first thing God tells the alcoholic when the alcoholic gets to heaven? God has to tell him, you're sitting in my chair. I had a quick play in God. And every time I write an inventory, every time I write an inventory and share it with another alcoholic, whether it be my sponsor or just another drunk or another immediately guy. Scott and I have shared lots of inventory over the years. At the end of the inventory I was playing God again. You didn't do what I said you're supposed to do. They didn't behave in a certain way. They're reading a preamble that Peter Marrow doesn't know about so it must be bad. I'm playing God inwardly or outwardly and I need to quit playing that why? because it doesn't work it throws me into fancy language, a seething cauldron of debate it throws me into bondage I have to play director and what I am looking to do while I'm in here, it's the thing that follows me and many of us right into sobriety is this control thing. I need to control inwardly and outwardly. Sitting there like a bleeding dick, and I don't know what this is, I can't believe they know what's going on. Or hey, you can't do that. You didn't get my permission. Inwardly, outwardly, I'm always looking to control people, places, and things until I hit the wall. I'd like to tell you that this control has been willfully relinquished and reality has been involuntarily shattered when I can take it anymore. I let go. and it isn't like, okay God I'm going to hand you my tales of woe because I'm such a good AA member it's I'm bloodied and beaten to death and there's nowhere else to go Mickey, my old sponsor would say that's when God speaks through a brick wall there's nothing, there's no way to go and for someone like me it was good that I showed up to step three like this there were no options June 23rd 1980, I'll tell you this man I wasn't thinking as I made a plea to God, please take me from this. I don't want to die. I wasn't thinking go to detox, then we'll go to treatment, then we're going to AA, then we'll get a sponsor, go through the steps, have a spiritual awakening and come talk in Delaware in about 33 years. I wasnít thinking about detox, treatment, AA, nothing. It was nowhere to be found. It was like, I donít want to died, please, take me from this! There were no options. I felt like I needed help taking the next breath. I felt as if if I didn't get a drink in me, I was going to die and if I do get a drinking, I'm going to die. I need help taking a next breath that's a spirit called, that place called surrendered from this. I didn' t surrender it sounds like self I surrendered, I, me I surrendered and became enlightened. It sounds like a lot of self in that and self is what I need to get away from I need to find myself I need the discover myself I need a better version of self I need talk about myself No, I got to get away from self Barnes and Noble has a section It's called self-help I don't need any more help to self I need kill self Get away from itself Self in all its manifestations Do you ever walk and get caught By a tree maybe and you get caught in a spider web, you know, and it's just, it's all over you. The more you pull, it seems to be more. That's self. The more I try to work on self, four more selves show up. The more i try to manage, the more it gets entangled. I need to die to self. I don't have to work on self and take care of myself. I'm going to start taking care of myself. No, get rid of yourself. It's like when I would, you know say, I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm completely out of my mind. No, I'm not out of mine mind. If I was out of mind mind, I'd be floating on air. It's that I'm so far in my mind, everything's a mess. When people say, I'm going to go down to the store and give them a piece of my mine, I tell them, give them the whole thing. You don't need it. I had way too much coffee. Okay. Just do this and we're out. It says this. next we decided hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our director. My brother's an actor and he talks about what he does. The director is the boss. He tells the actors what to do. The camera and the lights how he wants it. He creates a vision for this movie. And God's creating a vision for me. But I need to listen to what he's telling me to do God, I think the light is better there because I don't care about what you think I need you to be there. It's going to turn out great. It's a great ending. You're rich and famous. Follow me. Very often, the road I think I'm supposed to be going down is going to be the right road for me, and yet it's the road that takes me further and further away from God. I want to be caught up in this majority of people who seem to be popular in AA that I really need to take a look at my picker. Are they really popular in EA? And why are they so popular? I want everything to change but not that much I love God's will, it sounds great but not today I just want to trim some leaves off the branches I don't want to be ripped out root and branch I like the sound I like this, the way it looks the spiritual awakening, the spiritual transformation but I don' t want to really do everything you did to get there I just want some comfort, which for me where I am right now. Comfort has become a four letter word because comfort is based on what I think I need to be comfortable. Usually the very things that pull me further and further away from God. And by the way, my life was none of my business. It's His. And I've learned that the hard way. Especially when it comes to business and money. If I'm writing the script, I should be retired playing golf and having oodles of money. And everything should be perfect. And God says, but that's not the script I gave you. We used to get asked the question often, how much money is enough money? I would come up with a dollar amount. My response is that's the wrong answer. Just enough money not to need God. God still needs me to go to work and any distractions might keep me away from him. He's the principal, we're his agents he's the father, we are his children most good ideas are simple because something is deep it doesn't have to be complicated and because something sounds complicated like some of these fourth steps I hear going around it doesnít mean itís deep why would God want me to jump through hoops to get right with him would any of us deny our children food if they were hungry Scripture says we give our children a stone if they were hungry. We give them our food. We'd embrace them even when they screw up. Well, we're talking about God. Why would he make this so difficult? Most good ideas are simple in this concept. This idea was the keystone right in the middle of the archway which I'm about to pass to freedom. See, when I would drink, I felt a little freedom or bondage. This is freedom, getting free at last. When we sincerely took this position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. It's interesting because nothing really remarkable happened before I got sober. A lot of pain and misery happened. Now remarkable things, godly things are about to happen to us or to me. I had a new boss, and being all powerful, he's going to provide me with what I need If I keep close to him, performers work well. One of the first things I can start to do to perform God's work well is get to a meeting early and offer myself to others. What can I do? Be of service to a drum. Even if it's not my home group, just get there early. What can i do? Everything's done, coffee's on, chairs are set up. Okay, I'll stand by the door like Shoemaker says and I'll wait for somebody to come in. Well, we have greeters there. Okay, then I'll sit in the front row and wait for the new one or the old time who doesn't look too good and sit down and pour him a cup of coffee and say, how's it going? I can always be of service. Do God's work. Maybe I'm out on the street and I see homeless people. There's a lot in South Florida where I, in Fort Lauderdale. On our way to home group, we see a lot of them. Do I drive by them and pretend they're not there? When I'm walking down the, there's a Salvation Army walking down a street pretending they're out there. I don't see them. But I'm so damn spiritual. Or do I stop and go into my pocket and take out a $5 bill which I go to Starbucks and pay $75 for a cup of coffee. Mocha, Laka, they're all weird. I don't know what's going on in there. Just get a cup of coffee and get out. And I can't give a $5 bill to a homeless person. Well, I guess I'm not performing God's work well. Maybe there's some charities I can give money to. You know, I just bought to, say, a brand new car, but I can't give ten bucks to a charity. I guess I'm not performing God's work well. That's how it is for me. If I keep close to Him, I don't have to get close in order to be close. The awakening is how close I am. It was that aha moment that there's no proximity. We all talk about getting close to the God. We know we're trying to illustrate with storytellers about getting close to God. We want to feel the nearness of our creator. But in actuality, there's no proximity between us and God closer than our own breath. And it's a, oh my God, it's God. Established on such a footing, I became less and less interested in me and more and more in my little plans and designs because they are really small. I mean, my little plants and designs, like I'm going to change the world. Everything's, you know when you first come in, everything's a drama. everything's paramount and the group has to appreciate that too it's really not that important but God's way is as I felt new power flow in because I'm out of juice at this point thank you God for that, I enjoyed peace of mind this one always got me if I need to get away from my mind, why is Bill talking about peace of mine if I'm not attached to before and later on before and after Later on, I'm in the present moment and I'm experiencing peace. The mind is not driving me, but the soul is. So suddenly I find peace in this moment. I could face life successfully. I become conscious, awake to God's presence. I begin to lose my fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. I was reborn, I can't go back into mama and come out and be born again but we can become born reborn in spirit, awakened again, last thing, there's no amen at the end of this third step prayer Bill didn't forget to do that, I'm about to go in, Marion's going to talk about this God's going take us up in the attic, into that dark dingy attic that we're afraid to go into, and it's a body of work right now we told God you take me like the wretch I am. I need to uncover and discover things that are blocking me from you. I don't know what's in the way. I get an idea, but I don' t know everything. God' s going to take me by the hand up until I flick on the lights and He' s gonna get in front of every bullet that comes my way and remove stuff, move stuff around. It' s not He does the heavy lifting here. I' n eed to be a willing participant. And at the end of the seven-step prayer, we close that body of work for now with an amen. How free do I want to be? Don P is to say okay based on what you're doing how's that working out for you so far he says we're not too good I'm sober and I'm tight again I'm afraid again I'm getting angry again I'm losing faith again so we need to do something different and so we go through the work again and discover any little thing that's in the way I don't know but God could and would if he was sought thanks for listening that's all I got Thank you, Peter. Just real quick, there's a white BMW with its trunk open. The church wanted us to announce it. So if you have a white BW, your trunk's open. And once again, we're going to thank Peter.