12 Steps to Being Launched – Toronto June 2016 – Part 1 of 2 – 2016 – Peter M.

Without further ado, Peter M. Okay. Peter, recovered alcoholic. You know, when I say recovered, I don't know if I covered this earlier, but not trying to separate myself from anyone in the room, it's just my truth, and I was asked to share my truth. recovered is kind of getting past the isms past the obsession obviously the compulsion to drink it seems like the symptoms of the illness we get restored to health from and I find recovering means I'm still in the cycles of the illness good not good up and down that kind of thing trying to catch on jump on one of those merry-go-rounds and hope you land right. Recovered is getting past, transcending a lot of this stuff, not cured. And cured is something we'll never achieve. And in a way that's a good thing because if they offer the pill to get cured of this thing, that means I lose all of you. And one of the things Alcoholics Anonymous has given me is this wonderful life that I couldn't even fathom of having. The soul always knows what it needs to do. Some of us call it the spirit. It knows what its needs, it knows where to go, it know what to say, it knows where the be, it how to be. The soul does, the spirit does. The challenge is to shut the mind down and all wrongdoing arises from the mind. If we can fix the mind what wrongdoing can exist. And that is the real challenge, to shut down this predator. And very often we think we're not listening to it but it's just switch seats and we've switched seats on a Titanic and we're still listening to It. In a book that I've studied it says this, a state of enlightenment is attainable here and now. It is possible to live free of suffering, free of anxiety and neurosis. To do this, we have to come to understand our role as the creator of our pain. Our own mind causes our problems, not other people, not the world out there. It is our own mind with its nearly constant stream of thoughts, thinking about the past, worrying about the future. We make the great mistake of identifying with our mind, thinking that's who we are, when in fact we are far greater things my mind tells me how to be my mind tells me where i'm supposed to be gives me the validation never enough and it wraps me up as i said before i try to wrap myself up in this cloth of stuff to somehow be okay and it's just a bottomless pit i keep putting sand in this bucket and it keeps leaking. The great thing about God, and I guess ironic to some point, is that God carries his water in broken pots. That's us. Kind of doesn't make sense but we're the broken pots or as my sponsor says, the crack pots. But that's where God carries his water. With us, who else? I'm sure there's some civilians out there who would do what we do but generally speaking who else is going to go get the drunk on a 12 step call at 2 o'clock in the morning and go into a house or go into a hotel room and clean up a drunk, throw them in the shower wash them down if needed put them in your car and then take them to a detox or maybe take them to a meeting walk them around the block Give them a drink so they can come back in a meeting and not get into DTs. And nurse them back to health for free. Who else is going to go get the drunk at 2 o'clock in the morning? A therapist is not coming, and some of them are great people. The doctor's definitely not coming. The ambulance might come if you call them. I don't know how kind they're going to be. If the police come, you know what you're going to get when they show up. But we go, and we're inconvenienced many times, because sometimes it is an inconvenience. You wake up at 2 o'clock in the morning, you've got an AA on the phone saying we've got to go get Joey's drunk. He's ripping apart the house and his wife just calls and she's frantic. And we go. And we're like the AA gangsters that we are and where's the drunk? And we pick him up and take him or her. If we could only shut down this predator called the mind where everything, all the trauma continues to breathe. I was talking to someone earlier, it's called shadow side of our soul where we can't outrun it no matter how much we try. It's there and it is the pain, it is to hurt. It is the old stuff that is buried deep within. And sometimes we know, as I was sharing with this gentleman earlier, we go, oh yeah, I'm doing it again. Here I go again and we pull back. okay god please i'm doing this again that's awareness but the shadow side of a soul we're operating from past hurts and pains whatever and we're completely in the dark about it we're having relationships or in a relationship based on all hurts and pains so we're perceiving this person based on something that happened 30 40 years ago and occasionally someone will talk about some stuff and we'll say, oh no, you don't know what happened to me and we give them a playbook as to why we do what we do and we wear it on our sleeve well for example for me, my mom committed suicide when I was 14 I played that forever well, you know, my mum committed suicide and you don' t know what it's like growing up for her and that's when I'm having trouble in relationships with women and my trust issues are extremely high because mum committed suicidal and I give you this whole thing and i use it as an excuse for my life blowing up but most often we're completely asleep to it and wondering why we're struggling why can't just lock in you know when you go through a car wash they kind of pull you up pull you off pull you out they say neutral and then the hook grabs the chassis and nice and easy you go though and the car comes out nice we can't do that he's saying pull up and we keep going reverse saying what's wrong and we're completely unaware of this the shadow side of a soul and what prayer a surrender prayer prayer of surrender will do is bring us to being teachable to this work and what this work in the prayer and god will do as little by slowly raise the level of awareness that doesn't mean it's pleasant by the way. You know, when somebody flashes on the lights and you go, oh my God, what a mess. But at least I know it's a mess and where everything needs to be rearranged and what needs to thrown out. And raising the level of awareness, which four through nine will do by the way, isn't always comfortable. Having a sponsor challenge belief systems, having me challenge some belief system is not comfortable, but it's necessary because if we always do what we do, we're always going to get what we got. So somebody's got to shake it up to wake it up, huh? Oh yeah, okay, gotcha. And as one of my teachers said, if it feels good, doesn't mean it's good. If it feels bad, it doesn't mean it is bad. And who's interpreting what's good and bad? So I come to step two and I take a look at this stuff. That I've got to get to this place of sanity. How am I going to do that? Well, step three is the decision to get there. And as a buddy of mine says, the beginning of how it works is rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. And for most of us, it should read, rarely have We've seen a Person Follow This Path. We talk a lot about it. I've been in AA 28 years now, and I hear a lot of folks go, I don't know how it Works, God damn it, but I know it works. Well, I'm glad you're happy today And I want to scream out page 58. It says, how it works. It's no longer a mystery. And it tells us how what works. What is the it? How it works, God consciousness, how this power works, how this program takes me to this power, where I go from being sound asleep to wide awake, from unconscious to being conscious, have conscious and constant contact with God. That everything revolves around God. God's everything or nothing. What was our choice to be? It tells me in agnostic. God's Everything or Nothing. What was my choice to Be? And as one of my teachers said, what was God before there was nothing? Was God present when there was nothing? Because it was a point where there was nothing. Was God Present? Or was God Born on a certain day? Well first there was everything and then there was God and then we have what we have. That's how infinite, it's hard to understand that, how infinite this God is. That before there was everything, there was nothing but God was present in the nothingness. You can't even comprehend that one. And that's how it's supposed to be when it comes to God. But what I want to do is get a little taste of the honey. A little taste of God's honey. And once you've tasted the honey, you're in. I love the effect produced by God.But we got to dismantle this alcohol that comes in the room so we got really a lot of folks say is one two three conclusions of the mind and as assignments we do a little spiritual work to kind of raise the truth make it more uh tangible and more visible more 3d if you will um and we have these assignments i described a couple of them i'll describe one in a second with step three but i i'm convinced that i need to get to this place called sanity because if i don't i'm going to go back to drinking again and perhaps before i'm drinking. I'm going to go down a lot of dark alleyways trying to find utopia, trying to find some okayness in here. And I couldn't understand when they said, God, I can't be left out of God's universe. If I make my bed in hell, I make my bed and heaven. God is there. Okay, got that. But how do I get there? How do we get to where you are? And it starts with a decision. And it said we made a decision that's all it is to turn my will in life, my thinking and my actions That means everything, just that. Just think about it. We're telling God, here's my thinking and my actions. That's everything. Over to you, and you do whatever you want with it. May the decision turn our will in life over to the care of God. What an order. I can't go through with it, right? In the third step prayer, it says, God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt we're telling god here do whatever you want with it my life do whatever I don't care what you do mold it shape it cut it slice it open it whatever I'm backing off you do with my life whatever you won now we say that but do we really mean it because what we really do is when we hit the third step is God I'm turning over everything to you. But don't be dramatic about this. Don't get too drastic, because I like a few things. We have delusions about ourself. We truly believe we're not that, oh, I'm bad, but I'm not a bad person. Based on some of the things we've done, no, we can resemble someone who's not a good guy. Not a good thing. The book says we are not saints. The point is we're willing to grow along spiritual lines. We are not Saints. My way in here will prove to you I am far from a saint, I'm a sinner. And don't say that boastfully, I am. I'm flawed, I're broken, I leak, I sin. And on my way in here is one of sinfulness, missing the mark every day. Our book was right, they said we're not saints. It's almost like okay good, I thought I was walking into a monastery. But no, we're all fractured. We sinned. Doesn't mean I have to continue to live that way because what we truly are folks, we're called to sanctity we were born like this or not, you can do what you want with this, you condemn this you can take it we wereborn to be saints it's about time I start acting that way and not copping to I'm an alcoholic, I'm sick shame on me which 28 years that I have nothing to offer you other than well I'm a alcoholic yeah I do alcoholic things my thinking comes back You know, the boss says, hey, great job. We couldn't have done it without you, Pete. You're just one of my best employees. And I go, great. And then I get home and I say, Marion, you think he really meant that? He's probably set me up to get fired. I know it. Boom. Just like that. Right? So we do stupid things. We do, like, things like that, like a four-year-old would do. Actually, a four‑year‑old probably does better than me. but i don't have to live like that and using that as an excuse what all the spiritual information we have put in our lap shame on me so step three says may decision turn our will life or the care of god as we understood him at this moment group of junks could all the direction my own conception a matter inadequate was sufficient to make the approach god has got to be everything or else he is nothing what's my choice to be well based on my first step i've got to do this walk because if i don't i'm drunk and if i drink is means to die and i don'T want that anymore am i willing to turn every area of my life over and a consideration is this although i like what you have and i admire your spiritual experiences and how you are standing in the sunlight of the spirit having um appreciation for that can coexist with my reluctance to do that walk. I want what you have. I don't know if I want to do exactly what you've done. Can't I just get like three for one, you know, sale or something? Can't it just come to a meeting and get it all in one meeting? I have to make a meeting. Do I really need this book? Give me just the crib notes, man. I'm good with this. So having appreciation for the beauty of a spiritual transformation can coexist with the reluctance to do the walk. And some of us have a great reluctance to do spiritual walk because what a sponsor will tell you, your life right now is none of your business. Everything's about to get turned upside down. When I sat with Mark H., he said to me, are you ready to have your life turned completely upside down? I thought this was really bad news and he should leave me alone. It turned out to be a great thing. Challenge belief systems and prune the tree. The depth of self for successful living, it starts with step three because I'm walking around polluted and trust me, I'm going to go through the work again. I just came out of the work. I'm gonna go through it again and I will find things in the inner workings of my mind, things that are, you know, stuck way down in the corner here, blue shadow side of my soul that I was completely in a dark about saying, oh my God, what was that about? One of the things I shared moment for a few moments earlier was how the shift came where my job was starting to become who I'd be. I was getting almost an identification from my work. This never happened to me before and through great pain and running out of road that I run out of the road and say this can't happen anymore. And what I came back with was God if it be your will I do not want to be in this business anymore it's gobbling me up i'm willing to go be a carpenter i'm going to go be a plumber i'll go be your school teacher i'll wash cars i want none of this and i needed to come to terms with that because for so long i would say it's all i know how to do if you listen to old cds of mine you'll say it'S the only thing i know well that's a lie but i come to believe that and so god brought me to a place of asking him i want out of this business i don't care what's in front of me. And he put me back in the business with a new perception about it, that God has my soul. No boss. No employer. No co-worker. But I had to do what I had to do and get to where I had get to say I ran out of road and God started speaking through brick walls. I'm grateful for a sponsor and accountability and the oodles of inventory I would write. Great stuff. On page 62, it gives us, page 62 and 63 really gives us our third step. The considerations. It says self-assistance and self-sentence. That we think is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking, self pity. We step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. And when they retaliated, we kind of turn around and say, well what did I do? you know i'm gossiping about you for months and you stop talking to me say what's her problem right i cheat on a wife and she gives me divorce papers do you believe her after all i've done for her right it goes on to describe us at the root and we insist on living this way based on our actions and very often we say we surrender to God but what we surrender is an ironclad case to God this is I'm surrendering and these are the results I want God and sometimes God will keep us in what we think is a bad situation to bring light to that darkness to teach me love and talents and forgiveness and understanding because if I don't what have I learned and I think these things are coming to me from some lower power and God is the the one who's putting him in my pad, to groom me, to have more to offer, to be a maximum service to him. My recovery is none of my business. My life is noneof my business, I think it is. And when life becomes my business you suffer and I suffer. So on the bottom of page 62 here's our third step consideration. It says this is the how and why of it. First I had to quit playing God. Why? It says it didn't work. My inventory is going to show me how I've been playing God in every single area of my life. I've be assigning God a role, like I'm a God bigger than God. I've assigned you a role. I've assign everyone a role but I'm humble. It says next we decided hereafter in this drama of life God's going to be my director. My brother's an actor so he would talk shop with me. The director is the boss on the set. the biggest actors will yield to the director. It's just a common courtesy, professional courtesy. He's the director, he's the boss. He's looking at the scene from an entirely different angle, which is what we're about to do with our life in step four. He's seeing things and hearing things the actor can't see. He says, I need you to go there, I want you to do that, and he directs. That's God. God's directing me, Pete, go there. I can't say, well, hold on, I think the scene should be changed. I should be the star. It says, he's the principal. We're his agents. Actors, entertainers, athletes have agents. Agents go out and represent that athlete. And they go to the various places and say, what do you have? They bring the deal back to the principal, Michael Jordan, saying, Michael, we have a deal. Yes or no? Michael says yes and no. And the agent goes back and says yes or no. That agent's representing that superstar, that principal. He's the voice. He's The Mouthpiece. My book is telling me here God is the principal. We're the agents. We are representing God. First off in thought, word, and deed, what does that look like? and interacting with others. How am I doing? The book just says, we're the agents, he's the principal, which means where we go, we are representing this power called God. How am i doing? What's the report? No, not me. Thank you, thank you. I should have asked that question earlier. How am l doing? When I say how are we doing with that, what's our report card look like as an agent representative for God. Which means when I speak to you, I get a pretty good idea how God operates. Whoa, they just raised the bar weight up here because we're all going to fall short. It says he's the father, we're his children. As parents, what do we do with children? I see it all the time. We try to provide our kids with everything that they need, that everything they want. But we love them unconditionally. We can't even explain that love. And I always talk about this, mamas with their children. This is a whole God thing. Women with their newborns, I mean, there's no manual here. You guys just know what to do. I use this analogy not too long ago, and I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but mamas and their newbornes, they would lay down their life in a second. There's no question. If you think about how long you know this person, we say the woman carries it for nine months and the baby's six months old so you know this person 15 months how many of us would lay down our life for someone we know for 15 months and a woman would just do that instinctively go hungry to feed children right this is a God thing he's the father, we're his children this God will go to any lengths for us and we think we're not getting fed we think God's being unjust we truly are, I am like a spoiled brat when it comes to God gives me a job, make a really good income and I'm aggravated because my neighbor makes more money and I stomp my feet God doesn't love me, that's what kids do when you have a bigger toy than them it says most good ideas are simple and this concept or idea was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch to which we pass to freedom. So we've got this keystone here. Second step is the cornerstone. Keystone right in the middle of the archway. Pull that down, the whole thing comes down. This holds the structure together. We're about to go into step four. It says, when we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new employer, a new boss. Being all-powerful, he, capital H, provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well. If I keep close to God and perform his work well, things will happen. There will be a shift in consciousness. Now, if I don't perform his word well, if i don't stay close to god, I won't be able to do his work. It's not because he's punishing me. I stop listening. I'm into self-reliance and self-managing. And my book tells me I can't manage my own life. And that means drunk or sober. It says, established on such a footing, I became less and less interested in myself, my little plans and designs. And more and more, I became interested in what I can contribute to life. As I felt new power flow in, as I enjoyed peace of mind, as I discovered I could face life successfully, I began conscious of God's presence and began to lose my fear of today, tomorrow, the hereafter. We were reborn. That's our third step consideration, which is just the opposite of page 62, which all about me. A book says we're reborn to be born again. Now, I can't go back into mama's womb and start the whole thing over, but it's a do-over. Reborn in spirit by being rid of the old person, the old self, to be rid of the old way of thinking. I canít be present if Iím still driven by voices of the past. Weíre about to be free of this stuff. But We've got to be really clear. This is no longer on my terms anymore. Now, the third step decision is just that. And so what my sponsors had me do, all of them, was write out the third-step prayer word for word. Because it uses some interesting language that I'm from Brooklyn, New York. You didn't speak like this. God, I offer myself to thee. Joe, I author myself to you. To build with, I mean, it's a strange language. You hung out on a street corner schoolyard and you talk like Shakespeare. You got beat up. Right? So it says, God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self. Stop there. We offer that. We're telling God, take this bondage itself, whatever it might be. How many of us are currently walking around with bondage yourself? What prayer will do is bring death to every identity that does not come from God. Will prayer and surrender, what prayer and Surrender will do was Unlock the shackles That are around our wrists That we're walking around with a ball and chain to But we Gotta start Wishing it away, wanting it away Nothing's gonna get done What sort of current bondage Are we still walking around And you know it might be What yours is might be minimal To her and might be Terrible to you, might be nothing to you It's our own It's our own cross to bear. But how much longer are we going to walk with this when we have the power called God who's begging to free us up? Relieve me of the bondage of self that I met better do your will, not to make me popular, not to give me a nice relationship, not to get me a boatload of money, a new car, to be of service to you, God. So I can do yourwill. how can I do God's will when it's full of me when I have my motives an alcoholic with a motive ought to be considered armed and dangerous right for fun and for free altruistic use that word in doctor's opinion this altruist movement I'm helping you without motives it's what God allows me to do I can't fathom life without being of service that it may better do thy will take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, love, and way of life. My dude, I will always bear witness. Be proof. Living proof. It's immediate depth and weight. When we sit with the junk and say, I know exactly where you are. Let me share with you some of that stuff. I was in the same ditch. I know about the divorce. I know About the bankruptcy. I know The banged up relationships. I know All about it. Let me Share with you. And you say, yeah, that's me. That's me, and then I share with you, this God took me from that to where I am right now. You can't deny what you hear and see now. We're living proof. Now we're agents. I'm not there to win you over. I'm a great guy or spiritual guy. It's just how I be. Our beingness changes, but it starts with a third step. So I wrote out as instructor what the third step prayer means to me. What does God offer myself to thee mean? To build with me and do with me his own will. What does that actually mean? Because what this book needs, what needs to happen with this book and with this prayer, it needs to be internalized. See, we read books, except spiritual books. Don't read them. Work with them. We read this big book. We hear all the time, I read this book, I read my big book, read my book, and I'm still in a world of pain. I tell folks, stop reading. Stop working with it. Have the book become who you be. I don't need to remember how it works. I don'T need to REMEMBER let go and let God. It's what I do because I'm coming from a different place in here. The shift has happened. The shift in consciousness, we're given a new mind. So I wrote out this prayer word for word. And so when I said it with my sponsor, it was my prayer. It was my third step prayer. And what we did each time, and the first time was a little strange to me, you know, kneeling down, you're getting on your knees, holding another man's hands and doing a third step prayer. I'm from Brooklyn. He says, close your eyes. I did it like this. You know, one eye open just in case, you Know, and but we did the third step. I remember looking at my sponsor. He was like, God, I offer myself. Okay, I'm going in. And when we finished the third step prayer, we got up off our knees. And he says, your life is none of your business. Step four. How do we carry out this decision by doing step four? How do I work a third step? By doing four through nine. By putting pen to paper. Now if we notice, when we do the third-step prayer, there's no amen at the end of the third. Most prayers end with amen. There's no Amen at the beginning. At the end, there is prayer. Bill didn't forget to put that in. It's a movement. We start off with this third step prayer. What we're doing is saying, okay, God, this is a mess. And based on what I've done so far, it hasn't worked out so good. So would you please take over? I'm giving everything to you. And God says, okay. We're going in. And so what he does is walks me in by the hand, turns on the lights and says, here's the mess. And starts throwing stuff out and rearranging and fixing and repairing. A lot of it's getting thrown out. that's step three four through nine is the moving around and cleaning out so step three is just a decision to begin the process the fact finding the searching the going in this decision to do that i should say we do four we do five what's left over we see in six and seven more it's constant surrender when we get done with the seventh step the seven step prayer has an amen because that body of work is now completed. The interior work, if you will, is done to some degree because now we're going to go out and start repairing the damage done out of my effort to live life on self-will. So we're Going In. So Bill doesn't put an amen on it because it means that the movement has now stopped. So it's a prayer to set us up and we go in. And that's what I've done with Step 3. I'm going to God. You show me what needs to be done. You take me into the dark room and turn on the light and that's what's going to happen. It doesn't always feel good, by the way, when God starts revealing to us our little demons. Starts revealing the inner workings of our mind. Pete, this is why you've always done what you do. Pete you know how selfish you have been here? Pete you knows how resentful you are? You know how much anger you have? Look at the selfishness here. In the 12 in 12 in step 1 it says who cares to admit complete defeat? Do a step 4. We're looking at ourselves, this is me. They caught me. You caught me now from really desperate. We can look at it like, oh my God, I don't want to do any more. Or finally, I'm going to do this. I'm not going to like what I'm seeing, but I finally got an idea of what the heck is going on here. Necessary ingredient. So after my third step, I began step four and it wasn't an autobiography and it Wasn't about listing the good things I did in my assets. I mean, if you're doing that, That works for you. I'm not here to argue, but it's not what the big book says. See, in chapter 2, it says there is a solution. It doesn't say there are a lot of solutions. Figure one out. It says there IS a solution, singular, not plural. One solution according to this book, which mass-produces spiritual awakenings. Think about that. You go to Barnes & Noble now, there's a billion books on different ways to reach utopia. all these different authors making oodles of money on their spins on a spiritual and you go nuts reading this book, that book this book that book I'm okay, you're okay, not okay she's okay, I'm ok men are from Venus, women are from holy lord have mercy I just don't want to drink and I have 164 pages that pulls me right out not only pulls me out, enlightens me bang, bang. Made a searching of fearless moral inventory. How do I even do this one? How do i remain truthful through the whole process? How do we get the endurance to complete this? Because this for me has been the biggest, you know, pen to paper piece of work. It's endurance to stay in there. Whether it's five pages or a hundred pages, endurance is needed spiritual endurance and we're quick fixes here instant gratification resentment fear sex principles institutions now four columns of this stuff in most of it and on top of that moreover you want me to take a look at where i was at fault when i'm so used to saying if you didn't do this i wouldn't have done that they're telling me you're going to hold up a mirror to you You can't look over the mirror and take your own inventory even if Joe and Mary did bad things to you. We're going to disregard what they did entirely. Boy, oh boy, do we need God right now because I can't make a move like that. And even if I want to, if I have the energy to do it, it's just too uncomfortable. It's too painful. So I'm so conditioned to looking at things a certain way. My sugar just bottomed out. Hang on. the reason why i drink coca-cola i got that um that sugar thing um where it just bottoms out and the whole room starts to i feel like i'm drunk the whole rooms it's just the room just spun for a second there sorry i need a little sugar um so i look at step four and we look at people, institutions, principles. And so what I had to learn how to do was this because I tried writing inventory without prayer at the very beginning and nothing got done or little got done. I didn't want to write this, I didn' t want to write that because I knew the sponsor was going to hear it in five and this is what happened to me without prayer. In 1980 I'm living in the back of an abandoned building Rats and roaches And filth and all sorts of stuff And I reeked more than the hallway Now I'm doing a fourth step In this little apartment And I sit down to write And I go The place needs dusting I need to dust I should vacuum or sweep And I tidy up Because AAs live neat And well I should make some coffee Because AIs drink a lot of coffee and I'm going to go through the night. I'm gonna break night writing this inventory so let's make a pot of coffee and I look like a crackhead by 11 o'clock. My eyes were coming out of my head or I would say, well, I should make a little sandwich and eat and I should digest my food and a little TV and then I'll get to that and I didn't do anything. If I did write, I just kind of brush over a few things and I start to get dis-ease and discomfort and I got honest with my sponsor and he read me the right act my first sponsor was brutal and he reminded me about going to God first but you can't do this work on your own and he gave me some instructions so what I would do and I still do it I got on my knees and I asked God, God please thank you for the power to be searching fearless and moral in fact he had me write that across the top of the page as a spiritual tool thank you God for allowing me to be searching fearless or moral because of myself I am nothing the father doeth the works and I created a master list And I went back through my lives, nothing counted but a thoroughness and honesty. Mom, dad, brothers, aunts, uncles, schoolmates, et cetera, first time around. And I complete this list of people that came to me. When I was done, he said, I want you to write down two more names when you're done with your names, your name and God. So I got to look at the hate I had and resentment towards myself and how angry I was with God. That was uncomfortable to write down God's name because I knew I was going to go right to hell after this. Then I did principles. Real men don't cry. Children should be seen and not heard. Do the right thing. Early bird catches the worm. Prejudicial things I wrote down too. I was brought up in a white neighborhood, Italian-American neighborhood. If you weren't Italian and white, you were not good. I was bought up with that. Word on the sleeve. Not good. Terrible way to live. I had to come to terms with it. I was living a bigot's life, and I didn't even know it. Shadow side of my soul. I don't like bigots now. That was the culture. I'd take a look at that. So I wrote down some of these. I looked at institutions. The medical community didn't save my mom. Religious community failed miserably with my mom, the IRS, the policemen, my God. They almost beat my dad to death in the case of mistaken identity, literally almost beat him to death. They almost beaten my dad. to death. My dad, when I was a baby, spent six months, didn't think he was going to pull out. Three cops beat him almost to death I had a problem with policemen If there's any policemen here now, God bless you You guys have a tough job I do not feel that way anymore But at the time, I hated them And this had to go on paper This poison, you know resentment is what they say I give I drink poison, I expect you to die So I got this all on paper And boy, you're talking about putting your foot on the throat of the ego. But it's necessary. And so I have all this stuff down. I had this master list. And now I created the four columns. Resentment column, the name. The cause column, column two. Why I'm angry with that person in column one. Mom, cause, alcoholic. Mom, caused, committed suicide. Dad, cause gangster. Dad didn't know about sports. He knew how to use a baseball bat, but not to hit a baseball. A little slow on the draw here. You get it? So I listed all the causes. I did all the second column, all the reasons why I'm angry with these people. Then I go over to third column, seven areas of self, pride, personal relationship, self-esteem, security, ambition, pocketbook, sex relations, how these things were hurt, interfered or threatened over what this person, I believe, did to me. That is the setup for how I'm going to be in column four. How my pride was hurt, interfered, or threatened, which means I'm gonna behave a certain way or think a certainway. My personal relationships, hurt, interfere, or threaten, which means i'm gonna behavior and think a certianway. It's all gonna show up in column 4. And I got to see this over and over and again. And what's pretty cool, as you do a fifth step, you will see here you are at 10 years old interpreting the world one way, and here you were at 40 interpreting the word the same way. Different people, a lot older, but I'm still operating on the same level of consciousness. Wondering how come I can't get this? So I listed the third column, and we learned how to open up this third column and give examples of how personal relationships are hurting to feel threatened, et cetera. I looked at sex relations, not sex but the sex conduct pocketbook my money, no one else's you can't take my money I want a credit card and not pay back I want to get a car and not have a car loan it's my money and I would hoard or be a big spender I looked up the behavior behind that and they came over to column 4 this is where rubber hits the road this is when we're in front of a 10 foot mirror you canít peek around it, weíre taking our own inventory And rubber hits the road because what our book says is we disregard the other person involved entirely. It doesn't say take a look at our part, by the way. It says where were we at fault? Because if I take a Look at my part, that means you had a part in it. And I'm going nowhere fast. So I have to disregard what you did entirely. So what's my experience with that? Well, ages around 8 to 10, the neighborhood of 8 to10, We had what I always called a distant relative I'll leave it at that And this guy Would come to visit And babysit And was in good standing With family members And started to show me What he would do with the girls he was dating And it became sexual abuse Fast forward a few months And I'm a little guy I think of an 8 year old now 9 or 10 year old Older person Back then, I don't know about now But back then you didn't talk about that stuff Who are you going to talk to? Especially when the predator is threatening your life And you're eight So yeah, okay, he's going to hurt me And my dad's going think something really bad about me My mom's going disown me And you feel like you're a participant You're purely a victim I couldn't see that back then So here I am writing this inventory and they're saying, where are you at fault? I put down the paper. I got angry and began to weep. I called my sponsor. He says, Jim, what am I supposed to do about this? Where am I at fault ? I said, I was eight. My mom's alcoholic and passed out most of the time and dad is out gambling. Where am i at fault ?? And he said to me like a great teacher would, how long have you been hating this man ? And I said to him, my whole life in fact. now that I'm an adult, if I get him in a room alone I'll kill him. And I meant that. I don't know if I can literally do that but the anger was there. He says you need to get rid of that. He says eventually learn to forgive because if you don't, this is your any length. This is your any length right now. This is it. In neon lights. Now we can stay angry and justify that anger. We're not talking about developing a friendship here with this person at all. We're talking about you getting free, and forgiveness is a great way to get free. How free do you want to be? What an order! This was new territory for me. How free do I want to be? And so I followed his direction and I stopped praying for forgiveness, and I just wrote down in the selfish part, I wrote down, I hate him. And that was, I was done with that. Some of us may have things like that. And the book is asking where are you at fault? And we're little ones. Maybe we're adults and victims of some ugly stuff. But how free do we want to be? And God was able to heal me of that. I just had to be willing to go through that wall. What an order. And it was an order, I was angry and upset all about it. But God forgave me and allowed me to forgive him. I will tell you, twice I was in that person's company. You know, sober and adult. Once when I was married and a couple of years later. It was a big affair and he was, say, at the back wall over there and I noticed him. And I will telling you, I didn't feel dirty. I didn' t feel like I had to go attack. And I didn''t feel I had get out of there. I was very much aware. And I can hear those old voices. but God allowed me to stand my ground with dignity and integrity and I finally was let off the hook I was placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected and I share that because I know somebody in this room has something like that we don't have to do with it it's easy to hate my sponsor, you don't need to love him we're not asking him to like the guy just if you get to a place of forgiving and put the past to bed you will get free and as an alcoholic you having that resentment no resentments are acceptable or resentments are unacceptable this is this is your body work here's what i have to share with you also about this fourth step we all have that one thing or many things that hurts we all got one we all have that one time in our life where someone did something to us even innocently that we can just feel it and we were 5 or 10 or 15 could be a week ago just that one thing that was it just hurts sometimes we do this whole inventory the resentment, fear, sex principles, institutions we do all this work all necessary but out of all that work there is one person or one incident that needs to be discussed and get free of, and the whole thing opens up. But we don't know which one. Sometimes it's more than that. But I need to bring a shovel and start digging and chop wood and carry water. So I do all this work, and I flush it out in step five, and it could be one, maybe a couple of things that needed to be uncovered, discovered, and then discarded. But I don't now which one, but I need to begin somewhere. I looked at the fourth column, where was I? Selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened. The pen has now become the spiritual translator. When we're praying first, I wrote the prayer across my page and began to pray picked up the pen and start writing and things are rolling off the pen. Things you say oh my God, I thought I forgot about it. I can't believe where's this coming from? You can almost smell the past. You know, you think of a song and you're back there or you hear a song or you remember something in your back. It becomes It's three-dimensional, and the pen is just moving. God doing for us what we can't do for ourselves. How it works is, A, I'm alcohol and cannot manage my own life drunk or sober. So here I am sober doing an inventory. I can't manage this. That no human power can relieve me of alcoholism. I'm a human power. I can free me of alcoholicism. God could have done it if he saw it. I'm seeking. God, please help me with this. And the pen becomes a spiritual translator. It starts writing. Whether you're in there for a half hour, an hour, two hours, you write through the night. And it was a bunch of sessions. And I got done with the resentment inventory. Rubber hit the road. Where was I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Where wasI at fault? Where wasISelfish? What were my actions like? Where was ISelf-seekin'? What am I thinking like? Where wasIsdishonest? One of the truest forms of dishonesty is self-reliance. Step three, we said we're going to use God reliance and I see over and over and over again how it's all about me. And frighten, obviously fear. Fear always lives in the future, never the past and it's definitely not present. Guilt, remorse, resentments are all in the past and I'm looking at all this stuff. Then I come to the fear inventory. Again, I make a master list of fears. Why I had these fears? Self-reliance failed. I'm not trusting a lie upon God to care for me. I'm selfishly trying to control and manage this fear by doing certain things. I took a look at that in the sex inventory. There are seven questions in there. Looking at the conduct, how do I treat people? And I saw over and over again how the sex, the conduct was about instant gratification, control, manipulation, self-affirmation. It wasn't about love. I didn't know anything about love until I got sober and then I had to learn all over again what do you know about love at 20 and drunk nothing all I knew was physical contact and please give me what I want on an emotional level totally selfish and self-seeking to the core I thought it was okay, nothing wrong with this someone turned the light on and then I'm done with all of this work now what now I'm supposed to go turn it over to someone and develop this new relationship with my creator well I might have had a relationship with My Creator but talking about a new relationship with this creator, a new attitude towards this power even if I had a good attitude towards God a new one, completely new remove the blinders Stop looking at life and God through this little veil I can see through the veil I can make my way around But we're going to take it down completely Because I've been looking at it from an entirely different angle When we're doing step four It's kind of like those traffic reporters They're usually up in a helicopter When they give you the traffic report They're not stuck in traffic with you They're looking at From an entirely differently They're saying there's bottlenecking here But it's clear there Because they're looking down And what I get to do is kind of shift and look down at my life and say, ah, I see the problems here. God has given me new eyes to hear. And so I go sit with my sponsor in step five. Guys, I'm going to tell you this. Just came out of work recently. And from the first time through all the times I've gone through the steps, 4, 2, 9, 10, 11, and 12, 4 through 9, 10, 12, and obviously do a 1, 2 and 3. Every time it came to a fifth step, as recent as not too long ago, I'm hoping my sponsor calls in sick with the flu. I'm 20, say 27 at the time, done a bunch of these, handed over a ton of inventory to sponsors, and yet I'm going, hope he doesn't answer the phone. Do I really need to do all of that? Might just cut a few pieces out. And I'm shaking and I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I'm glad it hasn't gotten easy well let me just share this stuff it's uncomfortable none of us like the self-searching leveling a pride confession of our shortcomings which this process requires for successful consummation here it is you know when you're free when you call up your sponsees and share your inventory with them mmm that guy with like 60 days the little Moses you want to hear some inventory i'll tell you how effective that is how showing the spot the sponsors the cracks in our armor i said earlier if i manage your checking account you'd be broke i'm bad with numbers i get add i can't you start talking about budgets and spreadsheets i'm out i just can't do it and uh years ago a friend of mine in AA, owned a day trading firm. And he says, why don't you come work for me? We'll get you started. You'll make lots of money. You have to take something called a Series 7. A Series 7 in the States is the license to be a broker. You haveと be a numbers genius. So I'm studying 8-10 hours a day. I went to the schools to teach at it. And anyway, I took it three times. You need a 70 to pass. I got as high as a 67 which was a moral victory. The first time I got a 43. That's how bad I am. after studying and studying. So a guy I'm sponsoring called me up. He says, hey, I've been praying for you all day. How did you do on the test? Sponsor? I says, I got a 65. I almost made it. I'll just study. Oh, great. That's good. That's five questions. That's not bad. I got 43. I call up my sponsor. I said to him, guess what happened? He says what? I said, this is what I did. You need to call him up. You need to make amends for lying. I said, I can't do that. I call up this guy. His name was Carl. I call and he talks. He says, hey, what's up? And I says, when I spoke to you a moment ago and I told you I got a 65, I lied. He said, that's okay. He said I got maybe a 64. I say, I failed miserably. I got a 43, and I need to make it right. What can I do to make you right? And I apologize for lying to you, but I was embarrassed by the whole thing, and he went like this. You really do this work, don't you? It was almost like I gave him a shot of adrenaline, spiritual adrenaline. His sponsor is actually making amends for lying. It was depth and weight. I was bearing witness. I can't live with dishonesty, And I'm calling this guy, call up and tell him he was actually happy. I told him that I got a 43 because he was all euphoric about it. My sponsor really lives this. Why can't I share with the sponsor some stuff? You know, maybe not personal stuff about a marriage or something, but just inventory. And very often I'm showing guys inventory, not all the time, but I'll give them examples. And here's my inventory. Here's what it is. Fear, resentment, whatever it might be. And so I unload this stuff in step five. And what my teachers have done is what I've done with the men. And we read a little and we pray a little. And I tell them the following, do not go off book. If anyone's an actor, they know what I mean by off book, it means no improvising. Stick to the script, because that's the script I have to assume God wrote. But you know what we want to do? Well, let me tell you about this incident. Resentment, you know why she did this, let me explain what happened here. No, don't do that, because now the ego has shown up. So I tell him, stick to the manuscript, and when I want you to elaborate, we'll do that and what i have is a notepad and pen as my sponsor don't want me instead of five notepads and they're taking notes as i'm right as i'M reading the way i do with my men as they're reading because god's going to work through them going to wear me too and i'm going to hear things they're not telling me some considerations so i can say joe we are now 35 and 20 pages into this we started at 15 and the same stuff is going on the same defects of character you see that It becomes three-dimensional. And I start listing some defects that I hear wearing different hats because defects will beget defects. Fear will be get fear. And we become so accustomed to living that it becomes plaque on the soul. And one of them, I will block from the sunlight of the spirit because I'm running on me and resentments and fear and I'm completely deaf, dumb, and blind about it. Someone needs to wake it up. Someone needs turn on the light. And so God uses a sponsor right here. And so that's what I do and that's what they do to me. And I remember the first time I did an inventory, when it came to some of the sex stuff, I said, oh my Lord, have mercy. How am I going to do this? Even when I was a victim, I said he's going to think really bad about me. You know what all sponsors did, especially the first time? He says, let me tell you what happened to me, same thing. If there's a name for it, it's been done. I said oh my God, I'm not this awful person, the only eight-year-old on the planet that this happened, let alone being a male supposed to fight to the death. Eight. How can I fight to the death? I'm petrified. And he says, here's what happened to me by a closer relative growing up. Okay. Maybe I can get through this. And part of it, I think he was sleeping, meditating something because we're so long and boring, but he gave me feedback, That gave me some considerations. One of the most wonderful things, it's not written in a big book, but the layers under the steps is that each of my sponsors, like I've done with them, you know, have busy lives, but this comes first. They spent time with me and didn't judge. They listened to my stuff, to all my brokenness, all my perceptions and conceptions and fears, all the poison. They listen. One drunk giving time for another. We, it says, selfish and self-centered is the root of our troubles. It's all about me. Don't inconvenience me. Give me everything. Make me a president. Make me Moses. I want everything. Don'T inconvenience ME. And if I do something for you, I want to make sure everyone sees it. And step five is no one hears it. No one sees it there is no applause, there is no payday. We do it for fun and for free. We go into the living room we go intothe bedroom, we gointo the park we sit in a car, wherever it is, in the back of an AA meeting and you talk and I listen for fun and for fee. It truly God bringing two broken spirits together to heal because if you hear enough fifth steps you know you come out stronger than before you went in. So this poor helpless hopeless drunk is actually regenerating you The whole spiritual walk It makes no sense. Wait, I'm listening to this guy's nonsense for four hours and you're telling me I'm going to come out a better man? Where do I sign up? But it makes no since on the front end. Marion sat in a five-hour inventory the other day. We have this new company. We got a million things going on. But they're just things going on. She had a drunk come to her house who she sponsors. Five hours. came back she was exhausted like most of us are but like lit up from some hopeless new drunk who's unloading their first inventory god knows what was in there this is the spiritual walk now what do we do when we get done with this fifth step a solitary self-appraisal he finds insufficient step five says if i don't take this fifth stop i'm probably going to get drunk as they I used to, the old time you say, if you don't do a fifth, you're going to drink one. May not overcome drinking if I don't do this fifth step. That's what the big book says. But when I get done, what do I do? I get all this stuff, all these notes, all this information. What do I do? It gives me instructions on what to do. I go home for one hour. That doesn't mean I'm Facebooking or on social media or on email. I'm not going on Facebook and telling the planet to get liked hey i finished my fifth step and i'm wonderful i've seen this stuff hey just finished my fifth stop what are you doing stop that stop that we go home and we're quiet for an hour and we go into the spiritual bunker to give us some considerations and for the sake of time i'm just trying to get through this here are the stones properly in place second step stone third step stone have i tried to make water without sand what bill says over and over again the same thing meaning have i try to get to the archway and keep a secret from god have i been honest through the whole thing a lot of times we'll go home and say i forgot something call up the sponsor hey i truly forgot this or we'll try to have that you know take it to the grave stuff and we're afraid to tell the sponsor and then we get home and say, listen, there is one thing. It's okay. Share it. Bill is clear over and over at the end of step five. Go home for now. We constructively review I forget how he says it. We're looking back at the work we've just done. Have we been thorough? Have I tried to sneak something through the archway? If we have just told the sponsor. Here's my OCD kicking in right now. I got to read it as it says. Okay. Fifth step promises. Once we take this step, we're delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We could be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs It might be the infancy of this conversion But now we begin to have a spiritual experience The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared Some people say normally think about a drink if you're an alcoholic That's true if you are untreated If you are spiritually fit My book just says the feeling of the drink program has disappeared Will come strongly It says we feel on the broad highway Walking hand in hand with the spirit universe If I join with you, your hands If I hold your hand We're connected We're not separate We're one We're talking about hand in hand with the spirit of the universe Nothing's in the middle anymore There's not God and It's just God We feel on the broad highway Walking hand in head with the Spirit of the Universe Returning home I find a place where I can be quiet For one hour Carefully reviewing what I've done okay what have i done so far one two three four five just finished my fifth step thank god from the bottom of my heart known better prayer thank you father even though i don't feel like i know you better i'm making that prayer i will wake up to that those fifth step promises materialized for me when i was in seven doing a seven-step prayer some of us will happen later on some of those happen right away it'll happen it says uh taking this book down from the shelf we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps page 59 carefully review in the first 5 steps we ask if we have omitted anything for building an archway to which we shall walk a free man at last a lot of things I thought I was getting free from this is finally it was a great man who said free at last thank God almighty I'm free at last he said he's been to the mountain here it is we're standing on a mountain right now our past is the past is my work solid so far yeah are the stones properly in place god i did everything yes have i skipped on a cement put no man i've been i put down to take it to the grave and my sponsor got it all have i tried to make mortar without sand i pray i didn't i i did all i'm broken from this? Good. We're at step six. If I can answer to my satisfaction, not the sponsor, not the home group, this is a relationship with me and God, it just got close. And now it's just me and god. Because it says if I can't answer to MY satisfaction, that I'm good with those questions on page 75. Keep moving. You and god, we're hand in hand. Am I still clinging to something I won't let go. If I am, I pray for the willingness to let it go. Maybe some more inventory. Can God take them all, every one? I pray he does. I'm willing to let them go. Please, God, take everything that's blocking me from you. We've been made more awake. The discerning meter is stronger. Not good, good. Step six and seven become the first step for life Because we got the bulk of the stuff out of the way These are the nuggets that won't fall through the screen You know when you go to the beach And you have the little screen when you're a kid And all the sand falls through And what's left is a couple big shells That won't fit through That's six and nine Six and seven This is the nuggets The selflessness The different forms of fear There it is It becomes my first step of life And the delusional thing, the saddest thing is thinking that I don't have any defects anymore or moreover that I can repair my defects. That I have some, I'm going to work on my defects, good luck. It's like me trying to work out my drinking problem, ain't happening. God could have went if he was sore. So six and seven becomes my first step for life. I plow the field, God does the growing. The process of removal never addition, here it is. And people, well it's only two paragraphs. What would happen if you pulled those two paragraphs of six and seven out of the work? And go try to make amends. Think about six and seven for a minute. How it kind of hooks up the whole thing. We're surrendering what's left to God so we can be free enough to go make amends That if we didn't look and try to go to God to have these things removed How would it look going into, how can I go into making amends loaded with defects? Running on self. How can I possibly enter the world of the spirit when I'm bringing all of my defects in with me and with no willingness to have them removed? I'm going from what I know to a place called unknown. I don't know this walk. For the first time in my life, I don'T know this Walk. I'm going from where I was onto new territory. It's a world of the spirit as I start to clean up amends. And a quick story, and we'll take a break in a few minutes. Okay. I go into work three or four times, and I go home for the hour. And I'm doing the six and seven stuff in the review. And I startto feel physically ill, anxious, sweating, uncomfortable. I felt so removed from AA, so removed From the big book, so remote from everything And I didn't know what was going on Like I was having a meltdown No thought of a drink or anything I just felt like I was dying I felt sick, physically ill I don't know What was going On And my head is challenging my marriage Every relationship Relationship with my brothers, my dad Everything just flashing in front of me None of it was good I called up my sponsor Mark H. was alive. I share this whole thing with him, and he says, and I quote, sounds like you're having an experience and hung up the phone. But he was awake, spiritually awake. Silky sees Bill having a white light experience and says, Bill, hold on to it. It's better than what you had, and left. He didn't stop medicating him and called a group. he left him alone with God Mark knew if he started explaining he would interpret it for me which means my mind and ego would have got around that and it would have been no longer a God experience what I was experiencing he explained this to me later was what we talk about the death of self before the physical death we need to die to self we need be rid of self we can't operate on self and it took a few times through this work to get to that experience where I was imploding from the inside. It was a great thing, shedding of skin. What came out of that was this reborn feeling, this awake, I can see, I Can Hear. Things in my marriage had gone south. My wife's a cocaine addict and a drunk. Fidelity, questionable. My marriage is disappearing in front of me. And prior to that, me being me, I want to fight and fix it. I let go. Not that I wasn't a compassionate, apathetic I had a broken heart because my marriage it's gone. But God put me in a position of neutrality safe and protected. Then I go through that divorce without any battle wounds. Angry? Yeah. Hurt? Yeah Betrayal? Yes but nothing I was ashamed of. Six and seven. seven step prayer my career I now wish of all me good and bad I pray you now remove from me et cetera every single defective character stands away use for my fellows grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding amen we're surrendering good and back because it's not for me to discern right here what's good and bad it's up to him what I think is good might be killing me and you what I think is bad might be felt as bad it might be good the bigger picture so once again on surrendering everything an extension of the third step prayer. Once again, God, here it is, my life, you mold it. Why? So I can be of maximum service to you and help others. Period. Non-negotiable. The highest I can get in AA is one of servant, and who's ever last shall be first. I'm truly a servant. My life is one of service. I have a life of invitation and one of service. I am not a rich man because of it. I've lived a nice life thanks to him I don't have a glamorous life I don' t have a closet full of suits and shoes I wish I did, I don''t if God wants me to have that, I will but I have a free life I have a life of integrity a life fidelity to my God, fidelity to my relationship, fidelity to my friends I sleep most nights and when I don't sleep it's not because oh my god what did I do it's just I can't sleep that night we all get that so my seventh step is an extension of the third I'm offering everything once again to God to be a servant, a true servant clean, light, wear the world like a loose garment and go into the sordid spots because no one else is going in there and share about it freely with another drunk our wounds, our joys and shout God from the rooftops and never apologize for this power called God because there's another book that says if I deny him here he's going to deny me go away, never knew you I don't need them to tell me that I don' t live like that it doesn' t mean I'm better or worse it's just how I live my life one of truth so I'm one of those folks in AA I just can't apologize for God because this whole thing that we belong to is about God. That's what it's about. So, you know, as my sponsor would say, you're going to take the white donkey up the hill, you're gonna take the black donkey up to hill, I'm gonna take to polka dot donkey up the hill. You're going take the stripe. We'll go into the same place. You're faster, he's slower, she's in between, you know, all different ways and you're gonna collect rocks along the way and you just want to get it over but we're going up the same hill and you know what's gonna happen we're all gonna get there and go what the hell were we doing why are we fighting over this there's plenty for everybody but six and seven is my first step for life and uh i get done with that i create a list in eight which we'll talk about after this break we'll do eight nine and then we'll du 10 11 and 12 and we're out okay good thanks Thank you.