12 Steps – Jack – 1994

Thank you. Once again, my name is Jack Thorne and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Jack. Hi. And I'm very happy to be here with you people tonight. And to be very honest with you, I'll be very happy to get on a plane tomorrow morning. I think you can understand that. I've been away from home for quite a while. And I'll be happy to get back. I have a pink and gray galah, 13 budgies, a pair of diamond dogs and a pair of quail. And my daughter says they're all missing me pretty good. I'm going to get back there tomorrow. Please, God. Well, anyway, what was just read here, how that it works. If you listen to that thing when it's read very closely, there is no doubt in your mind as to what should be done when you come into AA. And how people can interpret this program as being a cafeteria job, you know, do it just as you're pleased to do it. It's the most ridiculous thing that I've ever heard in my life. But there are people like that. And they take the first step and the 12th step and they forget about the rest of them and they remain just what they were when they came into AA. And they have no value to anybody. They want an AA. They just can't help anybody because there's just nothing that you can give away that you don't have. And if you haven't put these steps into your life, then you haven't grown spiritually. And that's all there is to it. And step number 12, of course, tells us that having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. So it's a very obvious thing. And why people would want to walk around it and take the easiest, softer methods, I don't know. Because even tell us about them in here. They try to take easier and softer methods to no avail is what that says, you see. So when I came into AA, I was a very fortunate individual. I came in at a time where no self-respecting doctor would have you cluttering up his office. And no hospital would have you. And the only way that you could get into a hospital was to become so violent that they'd put you in a flight deck or the Ryland ward. And that's the only treatment there was for alcoholics. And it was a very good time for me to come into AA. Because AA was the only way for the alcoholic to go. There was no choice. And you just had to go there and that was it. And I have sit through many meetings with a lot of guys shaking and shivering and sitting on their hands. And I've seen people have convulsions at AA meetings and what. And the thing that appeals to me is that AA grew so tremendously quickly. Because there just was no out for the alcoholic. Either you had it or you didn't. Period. And 50% of the people that came never took another drink. And 25% of those that didn't stay, they had one or two or three more times out there trying to beat the bottle. And they too succeeded. Now 75% recovery rate. And everyone, and I mean everyone, that came into AA was faced with the steps. And you all had a sponsor of course. And your sponsor told you what to do. And he started you on the steps almost immediately. Just as soon as you could sit still long enough and keep your eyeballs from shaking, you started to put the steps into your life. That was it. And many people grew tremendously and it was beautiful. And somehow along the way somewhere people started to get away from the steps. And you really don't need them. It's all right for those people like Brennan, you know. He needs them, but I don't. And that's wrong. Because you know at one time in my life I never was in a hospital. And at one time in my life I didn't know what a straitjacket looked like. And I never was in jail. And I hadn't lost my family. And it happened to me very slowly like it happens to a lot of people now. It will happen to a lot of people now that seem to have a lot of people around with a bad case of the yets. I don't know if you know what that is. You know, I haven't been in jail yet. And I haven't been in a hospital yet. And I haven't lost my wife yet. And that's what I call having a bad case of the yets. And you keep drinking and you're going to have all those things happen to you. Because that's the way it happened to me and thousands of other people. So what I would like to do tonight is just to tell you how that it was told to me when I came in. And I hope that you, you know, it helps you somehow. I hope it does. You see, Dr. Silkwood was probably the most influential individual in the formation of the AA in the very early days. He was with Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob from the very beginning. And he was a very fine doctor, a very lovely man. And he saw something in the alcoholic and in AA, you know, that he just couldn't put into his books. And he said it smacked of theology. And theology, of course, is, you know, religion. But it didn't smack of religion. It was just spiritual. It was spiritual. A spiritual program. And he saw a lot of spirituality in these people. Well, when they first had the first hundred members of AA, now that's a very small minority, a hundred, you know. That's really nothing. But Dr. Silkwood was so tremendously impressed with just five and ten and fifteen, because there had never been anything like it in the world before. And he was just so amazed when he was there. He was ten and then fifteen and twenty. And when they reached a hundred, well, he just couldn't believe it. And he told Dr. Bob and Bill Wilson, you know, he told the first hundred actually, why don't you people sit down, because it's just unbelievable there could be a hundred of you, you know, that have recovered or arrested the disease of alcoholism, because that had never happened in the world before. So he told them to sit down and write what happened to them as a guide for other people to come later. So they sat down, and among the hundred of them, the first hundred, they wrote the first big book. And they wrote the first big book, and actually it wasn't a book, it was a manuscript, because they didn't have enough money to pay for a book to be printed. So they wrote this manuscript, and it was the beginning of the first big book, actually. It's quite different. It's quite different from this one, and the steps are a little different too in it. And what happened was that they sold that manuscript for three dollars and fifty cents. And when they sold enough of them, they had the big book printed, and each person that purchased the manuscript had a big book for free. And that's the way this program developed, and that's the way it happened, and that's how come that we came by these twelve steps. Because these first hundred people sat down and figured out step by step exactly what they did to achieve sobriety and spiritual growth. And what we see here on the wall is just little variants here and there, but basically the same thing, and that's why it's all in the past tense, don't you see? And a lot of people don't understand that, so I thought I'd just mention that a little bit. Now, when I look at the book, I see that it's a little bit different. It's a little bit different than what I was thinking. I look at these steps first, I was tremendously sick. I don't think I knew my own name for a couple, three weeks at least, and I was not sure I was going to live, and I was in very bad shape, but I could understand the steps. And I do believe that I took the first three steps, or the first two steps at least, before I came to AA, because the minute I arrived at AA, started to tell me about step number one, and I admitted that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable. Now, for me to deny that would have been ridiculous, because I stood there without shoes on my feet, full of body lice, bleeding like a stuck pig from a stomach hemorrhage, almost blind in one eye without a penny in my pocket, no home, no nothing, and not able to eat, not able to talk. And booze had gotten me to that position. So for me to say that I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable and not to admit to that would have been ridiculous. But there are people in my condition that will still not accept the fact that they know that they're alcoholics, they know their life was unmanageable, they're powerless over alcohol, but they just won't accept it. Well, I admitted it and I accepted it when I got to AA, although I will say that for many years, I fought it. I knew there was something wrong with my drinking, but I didn't want to be like my father, so I fought it. But when the chips were down, I threw the bottle over my shoulder and I said, booze has got me, it beat me, and I can't win. And I thought I was going to die, but I didn't. So I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. Now, I could have done this many, many years before, because my definition of an alcoholic is a person that takes a drink and can't guarantee success. It's a dangerous behavior. And if you take a drink and can't guarantee your behavior, then you are powerless over alcohol. Alcohol has got you, it's calling the shots, and you are not. And it really doesn't matter how powerless you are over alcohol or how unmanageable your life has become. You don't have to wait until that you're laying in a gutter like I was. You don't have to wait until you lose your home or your job. You just have to admit that when you take a drink, something different happens to you. And that's it. That's step number one. And then when I think back, you know, I have seen people come into AA and pay lip service. That's step number one. And that's about all that they do. And they get their wife off their back and their boss off their back. And, you know, then they float around in AA for a little bit. And the next thing you know, they think, well, I'll give it another rattle, see. And they pick up a drink, and this time it's going to be different. And it is different. Different jail, different hospital. But same. It's a different problem. And the thing is, how far do you want to go? How much proof do you have to have that you can't take a drink and guarantee your behavior? Well, a person that used to have the word in there, you know, an honest desire to stop drinking, he took the word honest out. I don't know why. I just don't understand why. Because a person that has an honest desire to stop drinking and comes into AA will admit he is powerful over alcohol and his life is unmanageable. And he says, what do I do next? And that's a very good attitude, a very eager attitude, and that's nice. And that is exactly what that I had. And once a person takes the first step honestly and decides that he's going to go on with the rest of this program, then he don't drink anymore. You see, there's no mistakes. This is not a question of haphazard living, and you get up in the morning and it's just a game of lotto or a spin of the dial, you know, a wheel of chance, that who's going to stay sober. That's not a question. You're not sober today. It's not like that. This is a very positive program. And you don't have to drink no more one day at a time for the rest of your life if you're honest with this program. That's a guarantee that was given to me by Bill Wilson many years ago. And it's true. If you take this first step, it's very important. It's like a foundation of a building. If you take this step first honestly, honestly, and pay attention to the rest of the program, do the best that you can with it, the best of your ability, then you don't drink anymore, period, one day at a time. You see. Now, I took step one before I came to AA. And then I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity in step two. And I did that on a bowery in New York looking into Sam Cohn's eyes. My sponsor had came to carry me to AA because for the first time in my life, somebody was looking at me. And it wasn't a judge, and it wasn't a lawyer, and it wasn't a cop, and it wasn't a wife, it wasn't a mother. It was a perfect stranger, but he had in his eyes what I found and about I was looking for in the bottom of a bottle all my life. The guy understood me. And you know something? I came to believe in a power greater than myself at that minute. Now, that step nowhere says higher power. That step says a power greater than myself. Okay. And a lot of people come into AA and they get very confused. And immediately they read higher power into that. And higher power meaning God. And we lose a lot of people because when a guy is about to take the second step, he might only be around for a week or three or two or four. And he's maybe not ready for God yet, don't you see? And you scare him off. But there's one thing that he can understand. The power that he can understand is the power of the group. It's the power of the group of people sitting all nice and clean, drinking coffee and talking and chatting and coming in, driving nicely and going home with cars and having a job. And this is the power greater than yourself that could restore you to sanity because you come to AA to get sober. So I used the group and I used my sponsor. And that was the power greater than me that could restore me to sanity. AA had something that I wanted and I was going to get it. And then the word sanity bothered me. Because I was in violent wards of mental institutions twelve times. And when I looked at that word sanity, I knew that was me. I knew that I was crazy. But you see, the word sanity, if you look it up in the dictionary, does not mean crazy. Does not. What that word means, sanity, is a lack of sane thinking. And when an alcoholic drinks, that's what happens to him. He's not capable of thinking sanely. And he does things on impulse. And he does things that he normally wouldn't want to do, he does. And this is where the insanity of the program comes in. So if a person accuses you of being insane, that's quite all right. It doesn't mean that you're crazy. It means just for the moment you've forgotten how to think or you're not able to think. Or sometimes a wild streak of passion in you will stop you from thinking and you do things on the impulse. That's insanity, see. So if you are an alcoholic and you're crazy, you're not capable of thinking sanely. And if you are an alcoholic and you come to a group of people that are all sane and they're all able to think quite well and they know what's good for you, and you have an insane thought, you might confide in your sponsor and he'll tell you, don't do it that way, see. Stop and do it this way. That's the power greater than you that could restore you to sanity. He can think and you can't. So let him use his brains for a little while until you're able to think sanely yourself. So that was step number one. So that was step number two. And now my sponsor told me, he said, Jack, I'm the power greater than you, you know, in the group here. Take care of you. Because he knew that I was quite upset with the word God. See, I had cursed God for a long time. And I hurt an awful lot of people. And he knew that and he wasn't ready to introduce me to God just yet. And I was walking around that one and I was tremendously afraid of God, see, because you don't do the things that I did. And, you know, I was walking around that one and I was tremendously afraid of God, see, because you don't do the things that I did. And I was brought up to believe that one day you're going to get wiped right out. You're going to come down out of there and just wipe you out and nobody will stomp you to death and that's it, you know. And punishing God. And it was wrong. It's been wrong all my life. I feared God. And I shouldn't have, but I did because of my upbringing. And, of course, the guilt and the remorse and the fear of the alcoholic. Well, God to me was a terrible, terrible creature. And here in Step 3 I made a decision to turn my life on the will over to this guy. And I said, oh boy, how am I ever going to do that? Well, it's probably the easiest step of all. See, a lot of people have a lot of trouble with it. But I don't see why, really. If you just think about it just a little bit, you know. Because here you are now and you're in AA and you're sober. And it doesn't matter if you're sober a day, a week, a month, a year. It doesn't matter. You are sober. And you are doing something that you never could do before. And somebody carried you to AA and now you're sober. And your life is starting to shape up a little bit. At least you're maybe not, you know, in too good a shape. But at least you've stopped puking in the morning. And, you know, you've stopped shaking a little bit. And you can drive your car, possibly. Things are improving. And no matter how bad that it is, things are improving. And you're on your way. You see? Now, how did it happen? How come that it didn't happen before? How many times have you gotten sober and then lived like an animal for a little bit and then got drunk again because you couldn't stand it? Well, now it's happening to you. You're sober and you're in with a bunch of people. And everybody likes you. And you're having a good time. And things are getting better in your life. Who do you thank for that? There's got to be somebody you thank. And my sponsor wouldn't take thanks from me. And he made me face up to the situation. He said, the higher power is the one that you have to thank. Nobody else. Just the higher power. Because all I did for you was carry you here to AA. And everything that you've got now came from the grace of God. And he proved to me that God must love me pretty good in spite of me. And I had to think that one over a little bit. I said, well, it's got to be true. I didn't think and know how that he could possibly love me. But he did. He had to. Because I came to AA. And I got sober. And I started to grow. And things were getting better all the time. And best thing of all was that I was sober and I didn't want to drink. And that was a miracle. And how do I thank anyone for that? And if it's the higher power that did it for me, then how come that he would do that for me? The only reason you could come up with is that he loves you after college pretty good. He loves them all very well. And while I'm on that point, please don't ever think that maybe he loves me a little bit more than he loves you. That's not true. He loves us all equally well. All equally well. He don't love one more than the other. So if I have what that I have, then you certainly can have it too. And if anybody's sitting out there that's feeling unwanted and unneeded and unloved, then you're not spiritual and there's something wrong. And you've got to just look back and take care of yourself. And know who made you well and how come that you're in AA. The grace of God and the higher power. You see, my sponsor used to push me off and tell me, don't worry about God, you know, just worry about the group. And then one day, you know, when it got to be I got that much sober, he lowered the boom on me and he gave me this bit. So step three I took. I listened to what he had to say. I thought it over a little bit. And I had to agree with him. Somewhere, somehow, the higher power reached out, carried me into AA through Sam Cohen. And then he took care of me up until this point of step three. And I was overcome. I really was overcome. The thing that I feared most, facing God after all those years of torture and trouble in my life, was a big hurdle. But it didn't have to be because all I had to do was look at what was happening to me and say God loves me because look at me. I had money, a dollar or two in my pocket. I had shoes. I was able to eat. I was able to sleep. And people loved me. And that had to be a gift from the higher power. And I'm sure that he doesn't pull us out of the gutter and stand us up in AA and just, you know, play games with us and then one day, boom, knock it all out from underneath us. He don't play that way. And I do believe that we're all in AA for a reason. There's many, many things that he wants us to do. And if we put these steps in our life and we get down to step 11, then we'll find out what he wants us to do. He has a job for us. And I believe that I'm very lucky because I found a job that he wanted me to do right off. People asked me to come and speak and I spoke and people got help. And the more they got help, the more they asked me to speak. And the more they asked me to speak, the more they got help. And it's just a big cycle now, you see. And it just went on and on and on. And I consider myself to be a very fortunate individual. I don't know why I was chosen to be given a big mouth, you know. I don't know that at all. It doesn't make sense to me, but nothing in my life ever made sense to me. Now I just accept it and I don't think about it at all. I just take it the way that it comes, see. Now, after I had done step 1, 2, and 3, Sam told me, Jack, those are decision steps. And now we got to get into action here, kid. Do you like what you got so far? I said, I love it. Oh, it's beautiful, especially after step 3. I turned my life and will over to the care of God as I understood Him. And from that day on, I walk without fear. Now, isn't that amazing? My life was full of fear. But when I turned my life and will over to the care of God in step 3, fear ceased. Oh, I get little minutes of it now and again, like tomorrow morning I get on a plane over there, you know. I hate flying. Flying is for the birds as far as I'm concerned. I can't stand them damn things. They're like big cawfins, you know. And I get in there. Well, what I do before I get in, I stop just on the top step there and I say, Hey, it's me, Brennan. Keep an eye on me over here, you know. And I watch them guys get aboard, the pilots, you know. If they even look like they're thinking about drinking, I don't know. That's it. I get another pilot. I get another plane because my mother didn't raise no stupid children, you know. I say that I walk without fear and I do basically walk without fear. But I have these little things in my life. I just don't like to fly. I think it's very unnatural. And I do it. I do it. And for a guy that don't like to fly, I sure made a lot of flights, I'll tell you. I belong to the million mile club. And I'm working on my second or third million miles. And for a guy that don't like to fly, that proves that I have a lot of faith in something. And it's certainly even in pilots and airplanes. Because I know I'm supposed to do what I'm supposed to do. And I got to do it whether I like it or not. So I do it. So anyway, he said, Jack, do you like what you're getting? And I said, I love it, Sam. He said, good. Do you want to go on with the program? Or you want to, you know, muck about? I said, hell no. I want the whole ball of wax. You know, I never went into a bank and give them a bag and told them to give me half your money in that bag. No, hell. You load it up. And if you ain't got enough room, I'll give you another bag, you know. To hell with that story. I don't do anything halfway. I don't believe in that, you know. And if I'm going to do anything. And every alcoholic, you know, he says, well, I'm a perfectionist. Well, a lot of them are perfectionists except when it comes to the steps, you know. When there are steps, they slide through here. And they push that one away. And they take that one. And that's it, you know. So if you want to be a perfectionist, that's good. This is a good time to be a perfectionist. Do each step as it's outlined and go right on through the whole bunch. So I did that. And he said to me, you've got to make a search in your field of model inventory of you. Because you're going on a trip. And you're doing something for yourself that no doctor can do or your mother can't do or your wife can't do or a priest can't do it for you. Psychiatrist, psychologist, nobody can do it. And you've got to be all of these things to yourself. And he said, you know, it's hard enough for a guy with a few brains. But for you, it's going to be difficult, you know, because you're just in bad shape altogether. So he said, you can do it, though. Because now you see you've turned your life over to care of God. And you can have a field of model inventory of you because now you have nothing to be afraid of. And I said, okay, that's good. And he told me that nobody's going to read it. And I'm not going to correct it on it. And nobody's going to correct the punctuation. And the spelling don't matter. How about that? And he said, it's just between you and higher power. And he said, put yourself down on a piece of paper. And he said, before you start. It's moral does not mean sex. And I looked at him because moral to me, that was sex. And I thought I was going to have an easy time with my moral inventory because when I was drinking, there was no sex. There was nothing. And when I took one drink, anybody come up to me, you know, and made a pass at me, I'd tell them get lost because I didn't have enough money for two drinks. If I had money, I was going to drink. Nobody's going to share my drink, see. So I never had any mucking about with any ladies of the night or anything like that. Just didn't. But he told me a fearless moral inventory had nothing to do with sex. Maybe a little bit along the way. But he said, mostly, Jack, it's the moral obligations that you had in your life that you neglected. And I said, what, like what, Sam? And he said, well, you have moral obligations as a father. Now, you were a hell of a father. And he said, you have moral obligations as a husband. And you were a hell of a husband. And he says, as a citizen, you have moral obligations. And you have moral obligations to your neighbor. If your neighbor is sick and you're supposed to go over there and see, could you help them? You never did that, did you? I said, hell no. I never even knew I had neighbors, you know. And that's the way. Because I was single all my life. You know, narrow road for me. Don't get in my road. And because I walk right over your back. And so I had to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of me. And it wasn't hard. Because last night I told you about my brother who did everything right. And in our life, every one of us has somebody that we dislike real good. Because they're never wrong. You see, a guy up the street. Oh, that man, he always takes his kids out. He has his lawn always trimmed. He puts his Christmas lights up in December and takes them down in January. And he's never wrong. His wife is always happy. And he watches the kids and takes them to ball games. And you know, the alcoholic hates guys like this. Oh, man, you could kill that bum. Because he makes you look so bad. But now, if you want to know what your moral obligations are that you've neglected, get a hold of one of these guys. And look at them. And see where you are different from him. And where you are different, that will go down on a piece of paper. That's your moral inventory. Oh, you've got trains here, too. Damn, double-deckers, is it? Or am I blind? That's lovely. I didn't know that. Well, anyway. Those are the moral obligations that I put on a piece of paper. And I'm going to tell you about them. There's a piece of paper. And you know, a lot of people make a life's work out of the fourth step. And they make a life's work out of it. You know, you see them one year, you say, how are you coming along? Well, I'm working on the fourth step. And you see them maybe six months later, how are you doing? Well, I'm still working on the fourth step. And you know why? Because they read the fifth step. Yeah. And they don't want to do the fifth step. So they keep working on the fourth step. And pretty soon, you know, they got volumes under their arms like this. And they got to take cabs to meetings because they killed. And it's so stupid, actually so stupid. If you've taken a third step, you don't have any fear of the fourth step or any of the other steps. So he told me, sit down, Jack, and you don't have to get a piece of paper and a pencil and do the best that you can do and put down there. I was a thief, see. You don't have to put down each individual item on there. It's enough you put down you were a thief and a couple of instances of where you were a thief and what you stole. A lot of people say, well, I never stole anything. You never stole anything? You stole time from your children, didn't you? So you were a thief. You stole time from your home and your job. And you stole a lot of peace of mind from your wife. So I put these things down. I was a thief. And then I put underneath there how that I was a thief. And then I put I was a very vicious individual, too. And I put down several items of being vicious, you see. Things that jumped into my mind real quick. And then I put down many other things. I was jealous. I was always jealous of my brother. And I was filled with hate. And who did I hate? And what I didn't do. Was pair one off against another, you know. Say, well, I can leave that out because they hate me, too. You see? No, no, no. They're talking about me now. Me. You, you. And I got this thing done, I guess, in about two hours. And that was it. And the thing was that when I got through, I stood up and I took me a little walk. And I said, now, is there anything that I'm holding back here? Is there anything not on that sheet of paper that should be? That's in my heart and I just don't want to put it down there. And there was nothing. Nothing. Everything that I could possibly think of was included in that piece of paper. Maybe not one at a time, you know, individually, but in groups, little groups. And I knew me good. And when I cancer came back to me, no, you're not holding anything back. That's an honest inventory of you than I had taken a fourth step. And I never took any other fourth step just one time. People keep going back to it and back to it and back to it. And it's wrong. Forget about it. These steps are only designed to get the alcoholic moving. Moving. Off dead center. Because left to his own devices, he won't move. He just sits. And something's got to prod him. And the what is prod him is the fourth step. So you do it one time and get it done and forget about it. And get on. The fifth step five. And you will want to get on to step five very quickly when you do step four, because it's like a hot potato. Now you look at yourself and you don't like yourself and you can't wait to get rid of it. Well, you go about quickly and you look for somebody and you get a hold of somebody and get the first step done. And when you take the first step, it's tremendous relief in all departments. Now, I will bet somebody here even money or I'll give you five to one that you can't tell me how much money. You got in your bank account right now. And you're checking account because every human being is the same way. Well, write a check and we won't have time to record it and we'll do it tomorrow. And, you know, tomorrow. And then you write another one. You say, did I record it or did I? And by the end of the month, confusion rains and we all got wet. You see, well, that is why we have to write these things down because you can't keep them in your head. You can't do it. And while you're so in growth, keeping things in your head, did I, did I, did I, did I? You see, you're wasting time and there's no room in there for anything else to go in. And you're going to stay the same. And you got to clean out your head, put it on a piece of paper, fold the paper up and put it into a Bible because nobody ever reads the Bible. And leave it there. Forget about it. You're going to need it later. And then the fifth step. We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrong. This is the step that calls for the ego of the alcoholic to be broken down. You see, admit to God, to yourself and another human being. I had one guy tell me one time, God knows all about it anyway. What you got to tell him for? Oh, the real smart guy, right? When he gets out of the state hospital, he said, I'm going to have a few words with him again. See, because that's what happens to smart guys. And he said, I know about it. God knows about it. What I got to tell him? I got to tell him about it for. I could tell myself, this is for the ego of the alcoholic. Look at the alcoholic on a piece of paper. And what happens is when you see yourself in a fourth step, the desire in you to stay sober becomes very strong because you see where booze took you. And you say, that's me and that's booze. I don't need no more of that. And you lose the desire for a drink between the fourth and sixth step. It's most amazing. And you don't be a booze fighter. Then you are really a sober human being. So the fifth step, admit to God, I felt another human being, exact nature of our wrongs. The exact nature. You don't take your fifth step or your fourth step and carry it to your sponsor and give it to him and let him read it. You just tell him offhanded from here, from inside in your heart. All those things that you wish nobody ever knew about you, you wish never, ever, never happened to you. The exact nature. Not each individual item, you know, but the exact nature of your brain. The exact nature of your wrongs. I'm a vicious guy, Sam. And you know, I stole a lot of money and I, you know, with my wife I used to, the exact nature of my wrongs. And I did that. I did that and I went to Sam Cohn and I did it because you see, even in those days, now it says in here in the fifth chapter that we can go to a doctor or a minister or a priest. And I never argue with the big book. And I say this. If you want to do that, that's perfectly all right with me. It's perfectly all right. But be careful. Be careful. If you want to go to a priest or minister, find one that's in Alcoholics Anonymous and go that way. Because I have seen people in AA go to priests and come back and tell me, Jack, the priest said I wasn't an alcoholic. I couldn't be. I'm too young. And that if I only drank beer, I'd be all right. Do you think he's right or do you think he's wrong? Well, I know he's wrong. So be careful what that you do. And I say this. I didn't go looking for no Spanish speaking priest up in Harlem. You know, I was never going to see anymore. What I did was go to Sam because I wanted Sam to be able to watch me. And I was going to be at a meeting with him twice a week. And if he see me getting out of line a little bit, him knowing me the way that he would after the fifth step, he was going to say to me, hey, Jack, we don't do that no more, remember? And it would bring me back into line. And this wasn't a job for me to do. This was not a penance for me to do, to take the fifth step. This was a way for me to survive as an alcoholic because, you know, left to my own devices, I'd break up a high mass. And that's the way I am. I still am that way. I got to be very careful. I can go back. I know all the nasty things that I used to know. I still know them. They're not gone out of my life. They're just dormant. And if I don't stay within the confines of the system, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. If I don't stay within the confines of the twelve steps, I'm going to die because I'm about to drink. That's no question about that. So I took my fifth step with my sponsor. And when I got finished with that, he asked me a question. He said, is that it, kid? And I said, that's it. He said, there ain't nothing else that you want to tell me. Nothing. He said, all right, let's go get a cup of coffee. And that was it. Now here's step four and step five, and he tells us in the big book that these two steps are simply a little chink in the wall. A little chink, the beginning of tearing down a great huge wall that the alcoholic has built around himself. And this is just a little bitty chink in there, just a little spot, just the beginning. So that's why I say to you, don't be too perfect with step four. Just do it to the best of your ability at that time. And those people that wait too long, you know, you get sober for a year and you say, well, I think about the fourth step now, you see. Well, it may be too late because you look back and right away you say, well, I haven't done it for a year and I'm still sober. What the hell do I have to do it for? And that's what happens. And then you might wait a little bit and say, well, I'll wait a little bit because I can't remember everything. Right? That's not good. Don't procrastinate. That's the name for an alcoholic. An alcoholic, his name is procrastination. And don't do it. Do it when, at whatever time that you get to it, do it. And don't worry how that it comes out as long as that you're honest. And you've put down there everything that you know about you up until that point in your life. Stand back and ask yourself a question. Is that the whole ball of watch? And if it is, done. You're finished. You see? And I hear people going around saying, well, I never took the fifth step. Actually took the fifth step. I tell a little bit at a meeting here. And I tell a little bit at a meeting here. And I tell a little bit at a meeting there. And I say, when are you going to join AA? See? See? That's not what that damn step says. It's to break down your ego. And you, by doing it this way, you're maintaining your ego because you're trying to be just a little bit better than everybody else. You see? I'm really not that bad. See? And actually, if you think you're not that bad, you're going to break your arm trying to pat yourself on the back. And the next thing you know, you're going to pick up a drink. That's the way it goes. See? So, basic honesty in all these steps is most important. And then number six. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. There are people that are sitting and waiting and praying for God to come down and tap them on the head and remove their defective character. Yeah. AA is full of these people. And God bless them. I hope they don't hold their breath till it happens. You see? Because it doesn't work that way. How that it works is that you're going to have to do it. You're going to have to do it. That you are aware now of your defects of character and your shortcomings. And a defect of character is those things that you do that you're not supposed to be doing. And shortcomings are those things that you're supposed to be doing and neglecting. You see? And they're very poor for alcoholic in its life, but they're just slightly a bit different. Character defects are things you do that you're not supposed to. And shortcomings are things that you neglect to do that you are supposed to be doing. supposed to be doing and if you sit down and you or you kneel down or you ask God entirely ready to have God remove these effects of character and you humbly ask him to remove your shortcomings certain things are going to happen suppose that you like gambling well you're going to run up on a gambling game about every 20 minutes all day long and you're going to run up on crap games and card games in it and I'll tell you it's going to be something's gonna be hell and if you like dancing girls oh my they're going to come out of the woodwork you're gonna be all around you day and night you're gonna see dancing girl and this is the way the guy upstairs removes your character defects he puts them boom right in front of you nose and after a while you know you push it away and it goes away it's like a carrot on a string and there come back again see and you push it the other way and boom it comes back again until you do something something about it until you do something about it and when you do something about it remember you're only putting it in background it's still there like i said a few minutes ago i know all the rotten lousy nasty things that i used to do and if you want to know how to stick up a bank i'll tell you the best way to go about it but you see i don't do it anymore because i have put it in back of me that's a character defect i don't steal no more but i'm quite capable of doing it and that's what you must remember so i put my character defects and and my shortcomings and i asked the guy upstairs to remove them this is the end of side one please turn cash that over now and continue you even think of shifting but you do it well that's the way living becomes for the alcoholic after he's in a for a while becomes very automatic and you do these things automatically and character defect comes up you don't have to stop and ponder, am I going to do it, am I not? You just don't do it, period. And the time when they come back in front of you, you become left and left, and pretty soon you're living a pretty good life here. And then we go to step number eight. And again here, don't read step number nine. Read step number eight and do it. It says, make a list of all places we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. And all places we had harmed means, and to make amends is to repair damage. That's what the definition of amends is. And to me, it is not a matter of going about and ringing doorbells and apologizing to people, you know, it's not that. It's to make amends is to repair damage. And you know, we have all people in our lives that we have injured, and we have harmed and injured. And of course, right to mind comes here the children, and right to mind comes the wife and the husband or whoever. And the injuries that we have done these people are tremendous. It's a lifetime job to make amends. And you've got to start, and you've got to start at the start, and you've got to begin at the beginning as though it's the way. And you've got to do it gently. You've got to do it easily. Because sometimes we're not able to approach people, and people don't want us around for a little while, you know, and that's the way it's got to be. You've got to accept that, you see. You don't go busting in on people and throwing your weight around like you used to do. Now you've got to make amends. No, maybe they don't want you to make amends. So what you do, you sit down and you make a list. And you might say, well, my mother, for instance, I couldn't make amends to, so I didn't leave her off my list. That was on my list. She was dead, but she was still on my list. And there were a lot of people, you know, I couldn't go back and tell people, well, I stuck up your nightclub here about 20 years ago, you know. I couldn't do that. I'd wind up in jail. Who would take care of my children then? My kids were just starting now to eat regularly, you know, because I was in AA. And for me to go and get myself locked up and put in jail, what would it say? It would injure myself and others, wouldn't it? So the next step, I just made the list, and I put down everybody on that list that I could possibly think of whether or not I could make amends to them. And a big key part of that step was I was willing. If God gave me the chance, I would do it. If I could, I would. And with that attitude, I was right. And I did that. Strangely enough, my list, instead of diminishing, it grew because the progression of sobriety is such that as you get more sober and more sober and more sober, more things come back to you and more people that you've injured. And the list starts to grow and grow and grow and grow. And this is why it's so important for we people to put these steps into our lives, to keep up with the progression of sobriety. You know, if we can clean house one day, and then the next day it starts to grow, our sobriety grows, and we become more aware of what we've done and people that we have hurt, and the next thing you know, we've got another head full of garbage. And what are we going to do with it? So we always have to keep an open mind, and we always have to keep a pencil handy, and write down people to put them on the list. And that's the way that it works. And now it says here, make direct amends to such people, whoever possible, except when to do so, would injure them or others. I made my direct amends to my family by mostly money in the beginning, you see. I had to buy, I had to work, and I had to do a lot of things, and every time I got a few bucks, I throw it in the house. See, my little kids were going, they were going to high schools, and they had kind of raggedy clothes, you know, and we lived in a very poor section of Brooklyn, and I was a superintendent of a building, and we had three little bitty rooms, you know, and it was not nice. It was not nice at all. And we weren't exactly destitute, but we weren't far from it. And while I had a little bitty income, I didn't have much, so I went out, and I did something, second jobs, and I did anything I could for a dollar, and I threw it in the house to make amends for that. And other than that, I used to take care of my kids, and I'd watch them, you know, when my wife went out somewhere to visit her mother, and I went over to my mother-in-law, and I made amends to her because she always needed a few bucks, too, and my wife would come if her mom needs this and that. I said, well, give it to her if you've got the money, and if you haven't got it, well, let's try and get it, see, because that old lady, she took my wife in many, many nights when I run out of the house, see, and I didn't get along too good with her, but when I left, she's a very old lady now. My wife is dead. She's still alive, the mother, and she's completely blind, and she's living in a home for elderly people in the Bronx in New York, and I took her one day, and I took her up to Westchester where I lived, and I put a room on the side floor in my home, and I put down, and I put down ramps for her, you know, and I got her a light cane, and I taught her how to walk up and down the ramps when we were out at work, and my wife didn't have to be home, and I did everything. I did everything that I possibly could to make her life good, and she stayed three weeks and left because she didn't want to be there, and I said, well, I tried, didn't I, and my wife was very upset that she left, and I said, no, don't be upset. Don't be upset at all. You know, the old lady has her friends in Brooklyn and her sister, and we got her up here. She's out of her environment. She can't see anybody, and she can't talk to anybody, and I said she wanted to go home, so I took her home, but I took care of her as best I could, you see, and that's the way I made amends to her. I had her sitting one night all day, all night, with a bottle of whiskey on the table, and I had a straight razor. I had that on the table, too, and open, and I kept that woman awake all night, and I said, if you shut your eyes, you old bag, I'm going to slit your throat, because this morning when I was sleeping, you started rattling pots and pans around here, and you woke me up, and I'm going to straighten you out. You're not going to sleep, see, and I kept that old lady up. She was about 65 years old, all night long until the dawn broke, and every time that your head would go down, I'd tuck her under the chin with the razor, you know. How do you make amends for that? I mean, that's not, that's not nice at all, but these are the things I had to live with, and probably you've got things like that that you've got to live with, so what I say is do this thing properly. Put everybody down on that list, and don't say, well, he hurt me, so I won't put him down. We're not asking who hurt you. We're asking you who you hurt, and put them down there and forget about it, and I hear people, too, say, well, I hurt myself, too, so I go on the top of the list. I say, you're a bum. You go on the top of the list. You came into AA. You got your life back in the palm of your hands. The guy upstairs is taking care of you. You're living. You're breathing. You're growing spiritually. You're heading to a beautiful life ahead, and who owes you what? Ain't nobody owe you a damn thing. You have got it made. There's nothing in this world that you need. There is nothing that you'll ever want for. You are in AA under the care of God, and God sits on your shoulder, and you don't have to make no amends to yourself. Forget about it. See? Forget about it. So, anyway, that was step nine. And then we continued to pay personal inventory, and when we were wrong, we promptly admitted it. You'll be driving your car one day, and all of a sudden, out of the blue, here comes somebody, bing, yuck, like that, something that should have went on your fourth step, and you say, my God, I never thought about it. Don't think about it. Don't panic. And don't run home and get a pencil and take the fourth step over. It just means that you've progressed that much further, and you become more aware of you mentally. And these things will come up. So when they come up, that's why they stuck step ten in there, or whatever it is. You take care of it with step ten. You don't ever disturb step four again. Leave it alone. Let sleeping dogs lie. So you continue to take personal inventory. When these things come up, straighten them out right then and there. And now you're walking about, and people are respecting you, and people are starting to think that you're a little spiritual, because they like you, and they want you, and they need you. And you have to continue that. And when something happens in your life, where you revert back to the past, for instance, if you were our boss, and you got a secretary, and you know, you're a nice fellow, and one day you have trouble at home, or you don't sleep too well, and you go in, and the girl does something wrong, and you snap at her, right? Well, your conscience will tell you that you're wrong. Right there. And if you're not, if you're not, if you're smart, what you'll do, you'll say, Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. You know, I'm wrong. And that's when you're wrong, promptly admit it. And remember something. We're doing all these things for us. Because if you let that go, and you don't straighten it out, you're going to go home that night, you're not going to eat your dinner too good, and when it comes time to sleep, it's going to be on your mind, because the alcoholic takes this, and he makes that out of it. So all these things, they say it's a selfish program. You better believe it is. And we do these things to relieve us of trouble. And we want to feel good, because if we don't feel good, we might pick up a drink. So when you are apologizing to somebody for something that you're backing up, something that you've done during the day, and you promptly admit it then, and rectify it then, don't feel bad that you're doing them a favor. You're doing yourself a favor, really. And I want to say to new people, when you read these steps over, you know the mind always goes, Oh, isn't that a beautiful step number nine? Now I'll do that right off. Yeah. You know why they want to do that right off? Because they'll feel better. So they run around ringing doorbells, and they run around taking money out of the house, and paying bills, and you know something, after a while somebody hauls off and loosens a couple of their teeth, and they say, Oh damn, AA don't work. See? Don't run out and do these steps in order. Don't do them just the way you're supposed to do them, one through twelve. Because by the time you get to nine, where you start making amends too quickly, you might get there and realize you don't know nobody amends in that department. So let it be, and let the guy upstairs guide your life. And then we saw through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him. Praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. That's a very simple step. Meditate means to think deeply. And what you want to do in a case like this, is to saw through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God. Well, it's very easy to improve your conscious contact with God. You just get somewhere where it's real quiet, you know, it don't have to be real quiet, but somewhere where you feel at peace. And you're not going to be interrupted. And then start to count your blessings. Count your blessings. How long are you sober? What good things have happened to you? Take a look at your shoes. Are they new? Or did you buy a new suit yesterday, or last week? Are your children happy? The little guy you run up to the other night, throw his arm around and tell you, Papa, I love you. Those are blessings, you see? And count them. Go back to your beginning of A.M. What you wore before you came in. And the last drink that you had, or the last drunk that you had. And then go on from there, and just, you know, highlight the blessings in your life. How much does your wife love you? What's the difference in your life now that you're... How about your boss? Is he better now? Has he changed since you come into A.M.? He's become a nice fellow since you come into A.M., right? Well, these are the blessings. And if you count them, the next thing that you know, the guy upstairs is sitting right here on your shoulder. Very simple. And that's the way you improve your conscious contact with God, because all these things are yours from the third step. God has given you all these things. So how can you not improve your conscious contact with Him? All you gotta do is think of what He's done for you and say, Thank God. And then certainly God appears. He's with you. Because it's quiet, and you're meditating, and your mind is in the right channel, and you know what happened to you is because God did it, and now He's sitting ready talking to you. And it's at that point you ask for... You're praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out. So you might have a problem. You meditate a little bit. You get your conscious contact with God, and then you say, Lord, here I am. I got a problem, and this is it. What way should I go? And the answer will come. The answer will come while you sit there, and knowledge of His will. And you say, Well, if that's what I got to do, please give me the strength to do it. And He'll do it. And it's just that simple. And you shouldn't muck about with step 11 and worry about it, and go here and look for this, and transcend the meditation and all this nonsense. I have seen people, I have seen people get so frustrated with step 11 when it's sitting right there in front of them. It's just that easy. Count your blessings, and when the time comes after a few minutes, or an hour, or a half hour, or 20 minutes, you'll feel the presence of the guy upstairs. And then when he's there, lay the problem out before him, and ask him, Well, what should I do about it? And you'll get the answer. The answer comes in here, in your heart. And then we go to step 12. And this is a big one. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. The most important part of that is to practice these principles in all our affairs. Because you might say to me then, What principles? Well, the principles that we learned to put into our life after we knew what was wrong with us in step 4. See, you're from a liar, you became a person that tells the truth. And that's one principle. Always be truthful. And if you practice that principle, it's not always possible to do it, and it takes a little time, but eventually, everything that you say will be truth. Because you don't want any lying, and the 10th step gets in your way. See? And so you are now practicing the principle of always telling the truth. And of course, you don't run around telling the truth. You don't run around telling the truth. And of course, you don't run around with the dancing girls no more, and you stay home with your wife where you belong. That's another principle that you develop over the space of time. And also, you develop the principle of being a good husband to your wife and a good father to your children. And how do you be a good father to your children? Well, you've got to practice a little bit, because if you never took your kids to a footy game, you've got to start doing those things, don't you see? And if you never sat down and helped your little guys and their little girls with their homework, you've got to start doing that. And you've got to keep practicing at it, because this is the way that we learn to grow in AA. And adversity in your life, remember one thing, that adversity is the ladder that strong men climb towards spiritual perfection. Adversity. And adversity will be in your life, there is no question about it. Because if I, if I was to paint this room, see, the people in here would say, well the painters are coming, oh boy, what a mess it's going to be. And they're right. All the chairs would go out, this stuff would get covered up, there'd be top poly, the rugs would all be covered up, and you know, the lights would have to be taken down. And it's going to be a mess. But it's going to get painted. And when it's all done, take off the rugs, put the lights back up again, you know, and then, and people walk in and say, oh, that's nice. And they forget how that it looked when it was being painted. See? So, when the guy upstairs is trying to straighten something out in your life, it's going to be a mess. It's going to be a mess. I mean, I don't know what's going to be in your life, but I know that any repair work, or any straightening out, or any maintenance work that has to be done, is always messy. And sometimes he gets into your life, and you say, you ask for this, and you get it. And here goes that, and you just don't know what, everything is upside down. And you say, oh boy. And then pretty soon, if you wait just a little bit, you see, the normal people, they will say, don't just stand there, do something. And I tell the alcoholic, just don't do something, stand there. You see? And if you do that, and wait till all the smoke clears away, you'll find out it was the hand of God in there, and it's going to be better. Now a lot of people have come to me and say, hey Jack, I got into AA, I was doing alright, I was real drunk, I got into AA, and now you know what, I got fired today on a job. I say, oh, that's good. And they say, what are you crazy? No. No. If you're really in AA, and you got fired, that means the guy upstairs is paying attention to you. Something's going to happen. And you say, well, I hope you're right, because I developed the habit of eating. And... Don't worry about it. And if you pray, don't worry. And if you worry, don't bother praying. It's just that simple. And you know, 99 out of 100 times, these guys will come back in a week or two, and say, gee, that was a wonder. You know what happened? The guy called me up, and next thing you know, double salary, yeah, I'm beautiful. I see, and last week you were worried, right? While he's adjusting your life, it's going to be tragic. There's going to be upheaval in your life. Expected adversity. And a lot of people will say, well, gee, I was in AA, before I come to here, I never had a cold, I never had none. Now I got pneumonia. You had a cold before, you just never felt it, you see? You had pneumonia probably, low blood pneumonia all your life, you damn fool. And now you're sober, you're starting to feel things. And you're starting to, all the aches and pains that you were embalmed, you could never feel, you're starting to feel, see? You're coming back to life. Life is, it's starting to take hold of you again. Don't knock it down. Take it, accept it, it's beautiful. That's the way it works. And then we talk about here, carrying a message to other alcoholics. Well now, if you haven't had a spiritual awakening, and you're not wanted and needed and loved by those people around you in this world, then you haven't had a spiritual awakening. And it tells you that you get your spiritual awakening as a result of these previous 11 steps. So if you haven't taken the 11 steps, first 11, how the hell can you carry the message to other alcoholics? You don't have nothing to give away. And I hate to see people come in and go out on 12 step calls, and I know in my heart they haven't taken the 12 steps. It doesn't happen in the group that I belong to. Some eager beaver wants to build up his ego a little bit and his call comes in, he says, I'll go, you stay. You're a bum, I'll knock you down. You don't go nowhere. Because the guy coming into AA has got to have the best. Not an egomaniac running around, you know, telling people what a big shot he is, but somebody that has really something in his heart to give away. That's who should go on a 12 step call. So having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, then I tried to carry the message to other alcoholics. And I went and see a few people here, and there, and it became very evident from the very beginning that my work was not to be with individual people. Because it just seemed to be that my lot was to talk to people. And I don't know how that happened. There are some people that seems to be there a lot that they just run groups beautifully. And that's their job. And the other guy over there, he may wash dishes beautifully. That's his job. And this guy over here, I don't know what the hell he does beautifully, but he's here, and he read that thing out. He's carrying a message of AA. It's not, you know, red sirens and lights on a car and flashing, you know, and going out to rescue people. That's a lot of nonsense. So what I do when I carry the message, I tell people about me and the trouble that I had before I came into AA. And I try to let him identify with my story. I don't point the finger at him and tell him, oh, you should have done this, you should have done that. No. I tell him about me. And if he can identify with some of my life, then there's a good chance that he'll come and look and try to straighten out his own life. And I remember one thing. I'd be as gentle as possible with these people. Gentle as possible. Because there is nowhere in this world that the alcoholic can go, only to AA. And if we run him off from here by giving him somebody that don't know what he's talking about, well, then where's he going to go? And he might die. He might never get another chance at this thing. So we are playing with other people's lives and we had best be prepared for it, to do it properly. And having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics. And I told you the other night about a fellow I spoke to in a hospital here. Four years ago. I carried the message to AA, to him that day. And I didn't stand around to see whether it took or not. And I didn't stand around to see it grow. I planted a seed and I got the hell out of there and I planted some more seeds. And when I came back, lo and behold, I met him in Brisbane. He came up there and he told me that, you know, what I had said to him that day, that he never took another drink since. And that was carrying a message. And I told him about me and I told him about him. I said, you're in this dump here for umpteenth time. And I said, you're going to become part of the brickwork after a while. Because you like it in here. You are institutionalized. Now get the hell out of here. Don't come back here no more. And when you get out of here, run and don't walk to the nearest AA meeting and grab ahold of somebody. Hang on to him. Because if you don't, you're going to die. You're going to die a living death. You're going to be relegated to institutions for the rest of your life. So for God's sake, get the hell out. And he's out. And he's doing good for four years now. And he come up there and he said, you love kangaroos, don't you? I said, I sure do. And you know, he give me a big damn skin. Nothing in it but a skin. I'd beach the hell out of nothing, don't it? See? So now I'm going to go home and I tell my daughter, I got a kangaroo. She thinks I got a live one. Ha ha. She didn't know what she couldn't do. She said, will it hate my geese? I said, I don't think so. I think they live together and love one another. Ha ha ha. I'm a rotten thing sometimes, you know. I do those things to people because I feel good, you know. And that's the way that it is. So that's the way I carried my message to other alcoholics. And I want to say one thing too. That I carry my own message to other people. And I carry my own message to other people. Because my name is Gary. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I carry my message of AA to alcoholics by just walking down the street. You see. And when I walk down the street, I make sure that, you know, I walk pretty nicely. I don't bump anybody into the gutter. And, you know, I just try to be a regular decent human being. And I go into a restaurant if the girl spills coffee over me. Like happened on a plane yesterday. The girl come down the aisle and the plane dipped. And, you know, I'm walking down the street and I see a woman and I'm walking down the street and I see a woman and I see a woman and I see a woman and I see a woman and I see a woman and I see a woman and she dumped a cup of coffee all down my sleeve. And, you know, right there I was going to call her a stupid something or other, you know, but I didn't. You know, I said, what the hell. It's not that important. She said, oh, I'm so sorry. And I said, don't even worry about it. Don't even think about it. It's okay. Because she's got enough people on that damn plane to break her chop. She don't need me, you see. And, you know something? She might think about that and go, You know, he was nice. He didn't holler. He didn't get upset about nothing, you know. And maybe one day, who knows, she might think something about AA or she might know I'm in it. I don't know how it works. But I know that when you be nice to people, people are nice to you, and it gives people a good impression, you see. And that's good. Now, when I was in the hospital, I was in there for six weeks. And just before I left, you know, I tried very hard not to upset the nurses, and I didn't want to be too demanding for anything. I never am demanding anyway. And they'd come in and they'd say, Anything I can get for you? No, I'm good. And they just seemed to want to do things for you because you don't want anything, you know, and they keep coming back. And I said, I don't need anything. Well, do you want the marmos juice? And I said, No, because marmos juice gives me diarrhea, see. I don't want that. I want the marmos juice. And they had a lot of marmos juice, and I didn't want anything. And they thought I was just being polite, but I wasn't. I don't like to get out of bed to go to bed trouble. And that's the way it was. So about three days before I got out, two strange women came in. Three strange women came in. And I didn't know who the hell they were, you know. And I just looked at them. I said, Hi. I said, Do you want some blood, or what do you want today? And they said, No, no. Well, she says, I'm the mail girl, and that's the telephone operator, and that's the girl on the reception desk. And I said, Well, how do you do? You know, it's nice to know you. What can I do for you? She said, We just had to see you. And I said, Well, I hope you're satisfied. You know, do I live up to your expectations? I didn't know what the hell they were talking about. Here I am, a little shorty nightgown, you know, with my bare feet, and split down the back. And these people are looking at me like this. And I couldn't understand what they wanted. They said, We just had to see the guy that got so many visitors, so much mail, and so many phone calls. And we couldn't sleep. And we all talked about it for four or five weeks now. We just had to take a look at you and see what you look like. I said, Well, do I come up to, you know. And they said, You look good. And we hope that you look forever, you know. And I said, Thank you. And they left. That, I think, is carrying the message of AA. See? People like me. And people want me. And people need me. And if I can give that away wherever I go in all my affairs, it says over here in the 12th step, in all my affairs, well, then I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing when I came into AA. Well, I think that's as far that I can go. I don't want to go any further than that. And what I would like to do now, I have a few minutes, do we? Hey? If you want any questions answered, if there's anything that I could possibly tell you, tell me about it. Ask me, and I'll tell you what I know about it, see? There's a little thing that I love, you know. It says, I shall walk through this world but once. And any good that I may do, let me do it now. Let me not be far. No negation. I shall not be neglected, for I shall not walk this way again. You see? So I may never get back to Sydney. And there's no stupid questions ever in AA. And if there's anything that I can possibly answer for you, I'm not that brilliant, you know, but if I can tell you something, I'll be very happy to. Is there anybody with any questions? Well, I must have done a remarkable job. . . . . Just out of curiosity, so many of you have raised your hand. They're wondering, what was it they said about adversity before? Adversity. What was it said about adversity? Yeah. I say that adversity is the ladder that strong men climb towards spiritual perfection. And where you'll find that little piece is in that piece that we have in AA that says, AA in the Higher Power. O'Connor, and he was a Jesuit, you see. And he was a very unhappy man when he died because he couldn't get drinking up to be an alcoholic. He tried very hard, but he threw up too quick. And he never could be an alcoholic. And what he did, he wrote that little piece, A.A. and the Higher Power. And he wrote that and he said, that's my contribution to the alcoholic. And some mornings you get up, you know, and you might feel that, well, yeah, I'm sober, so what? Well, when you feel that way, grab a hold of that A.A. and the Higher Power and read it, and it will give you so what? You see, it's a very beautiful thing. All right. Anything else? All right. Well, if there is no more, then I have a favor to ask of you. Tomorrow morning, quarter to nine, you drop whatever you're doing and say a little prayer. A prayer for Jack B. getting on that big iron bird out there, see, and pray that, well, we get the purse, that he knows where the airport is. And I want to say something to you. I was here four years ago or something, I don't know when, and I loved what I saw here then, and I love now even more what I see here now. And if there's anything that I like to see in this world is growth in people. And I want to say I am tremendously happy about the people that I've met here that are still doing good and even better than when I was here before, and so many step groups and things like that. You know, it's just a tremendous thing, and I want to thank all of you very, very much for being so kind to me, you know, and letting me talk to you. Thank you so much. And I love my little blessing, you know, and I'm going to tell you about it again. May the roads rise up to meet you, and may the wind be always at your back, and may the sun gently warm your face and the rain softly fall on your fields. And until we meet again, may the good Lord hold us in the hollow of his hand. And thank you all, and God bless you. For additional copies of this cassette or a catalog of other 12-Step Tapes, call Encore at 1-800-878-1308 or visit our website at www.12steptapes.com.