You’ve Got Alcoholism Mixed Up with Gravity – Doug R.

I'm grateful to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm grateful to be an alcoholic. And in case you're wondering, because a lot of times new people say, like I did, okay, the guy says he's a grateful alcoholic, because he doesn't mean he's, he means he's grateful he got his driver's license back, you know. He's grateful that, grateful he gets to sleep in the big bed, you know, got to keep his job. I really mean I'm literally grateful to be an alcoholic. I'm absolutely positive that my life today is better because I'm an alcoholic than if I hadn't been an alcoholic. And if you're new and that sounds stupid to you, I understand that. It sounded stupid to me. First time I heard somebody say I'm a grateful alcoholic, I thought, and a moron. You're a moron too. You're an idiot. And it's important to remember what it felt like to be new, because I'm sober 28 years. And. You know, and it's easy to forget. And I was thinking. Welcome, Paula. Sometimes I think when we have these countdowns and we're all so excited about the new person, the fresh blood on the vine, you know. You're the future of Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you're new, you're going, I'd rather not get up there in front of all these people if you don't mind. No, no, come on up. You have to do this. You know. We're going to give you a book. I don't care. I'll buy one. Just leave me alone. I just want to sit here and fade into the furniture. And so welcome, Paula. And the one I identified with is the person with three days back in this corner. Because he or she, I didn't see who it was, but had to go through all of that. Oh, no, no, I can't get up there. I'm brand new. Oh, my God. I've just. I can't. And then, you know, then your head says, you said you would do anything. Yeah, that's true. OK, all right. All right, I'll go. I'll go up. And then all of a sudden, no, it's not three days. It's two days. Then all of a sudden it goes from I can't do that to wait a minute. What about me? You know, like I said, I'm 28 and a half years sober and I still got that. What about me going on? You know, it's but I I'm very excited to be here for the 36th anniversary. I'm very excited to be here for the 36th anniversary of the Hilton Head Midwinter Conference. And I love your I love your your your theme. You know, life will take on new meaning. Life will take on new meaning. It's one of those things in the promises that we hear and you go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then all of a sudden it happens for us. That's what that means. That's what that means. Life will take on new meaning. And so I'm I'm very honored whenever I get asked to do this. And my wife, Carla, and I, for whatever reason. We get asked to do this frequently. And it's it's it's a it's an honor that that I can't express how grateful I am for. I didn't I didn't even know that people were ever asked to come out of their home state to someplace and talk to a people. And I'm not I know some people stand at podiums like this and they deliver a great message. And but they don't like doing it. They hate to do it. They'd rather just be a person making the coffee. You're sweeping the floors and setting up the chairs and they're uncomfortable. But they deliver such a great message that people just float out of the room sometimes, you know, like nobody would would drink, you know, between here and Charleston. I mean, you know, but they hate doing it. I'm not that guy. I'm the guy who wanted to be the speaker at the first meeting I ever went to. That's just that's just the way I'm wired. So I like doing this. They didn't ask me. I was a little drunk that night. But but gosh, I love doing it. And I love the opportunity. And when Carla and I first got together, we were we had dated for two or three weeks when one of us I don't remember which one said, listen, you know, I've had personal relationships damaged by. Being of service. And I want you to know when they call, I go and whichever one of us didn't say it said, yeah, that's what I do. So that's what we do. And now we get to do it together a little fact quite a lot. And it's just it's so flattering. But if you're new, sometimes the speaker seems like some upper class of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's never the case. I know I know the other speakers that were invited. And. Bill and Matthew and Meg Delaina, who are just members, they're members, you know, and and good people and good friends. I love them. And my wife, Carla, the same. And so I want to thank. It's funny. You come. Sometimes you come to think somebody picks you up at the airport. Oh, and they have a sign with your name on it sometimes, you know, and and then they and you get to your hotel room. And sometimes they'll have a fruit basket or, you know, chocolates or. Flowers or something. And you just want to go. I don't know if you understand. I'm just I'm a guy who just I didn't invent anything. You know, I just kind of spent my most of my life screwing up everything I ever touched and hurting everybody that ever cared about me. Yeah. Yeah. Tell us about that. And. My sponsor, Bob, says we're an organization of losers. You know, nobody comes here on a winning streak. And so I want to it's good to see Lee, my friend Lee. We share a sponsor. And I want to thank Dano and Taylor for picking us up at the airport. And I want to thank Bill for inviting us. And, you know, and to see good friends, Vivian and my friend George from from L.A. And just, you know, and a bunch of new friends, too. We we we we knew we were coming here for a long time when the flight was was booked for quite a while. And I called American Airlines Thursday morning to check in because, you know, you can check in online 24 hours before the flight. So I called them or I went online and there was no check in option. There was, you know, email the itinerary and do this and print it out and whatever. But there was no check in. So I kept trying to get it. Finally, I called American Airlines and they put me on hold. Well, because the the half a nation or a quarter of the nation is, you know, flights are canceled because of the weather. And so when I finally got somebody, he said, oh, I see why you can't check in. That flight is canceled. Well, we we have to be in North Carolina or South Carolina tomorrow. So what can you do about that? And he said, well, we can fly you into Savannah on Saturday. I said, that's not good. We we're supposed to be there. So they managed to and I called I called Bill and talked to his wife, Diana, and and we were trying to get things worked out. And finally, they flew us through Dallas into Savannah and and Dano and Taylor drove down to Savannah to pick us up. So we managed to get here. And these things always seem to get worked out. And if they don't, some of you have heard Ken D, who is a great speaker. And he said one time he was supposed to talk in Houston and he got on a flight from San Diego and they went to Salt Lake City. And then because of the weather, they were postponed. And, you know, you start talking to somebody sitting next to you on the plane. And where are you going and what are you doing there? And, oh, I'm speaking at a conference. Oh, what kind of conference? Oh, it's Alcoholics Anonymous, you know. And sometimes they go, good for you. You know, like you just just told me you just won second place in the Special Olympics. Or something. And but but Ken said he was sitting in Salt Lake City. And this guy said, when are you supposed to speak at this conference? And he said, tonight. And he said, what time? It's eight o'clock. So, well, you're not going to make it. No, no, not going to make it. And I said, well, what are they going to do? So they'll get somebody else. You know, there's a thousand people there. Somebody, anybody. Anybody there can give the talk. And the guy said, well, if anybody in Houston can give the talk, why are they flying you in from San Diego? Ken said, I don't know. But I'm grateful that I get to do this. And it's fun to be here with you. You know, I don't know why I'm an alcoholic. My my home group is called. The Winners Attitude Adjustment Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. We meet every day of the year at 7 a.m. in Studio City, California. It's part of Los Angeles. Tonga, where Carla and I live, is part of Los Angeles. And Tonga is interesting. It's a it's a Spanish spelling. It's the H sound is a J, but it's an Indian word. So it's not a Spanish word. You can't look it up in the Spanish dictionary. T-U-J-U-N-G-A. Evidently, it means where'd all these damn Harleys come from? And. So we're but like I was saying, I don't know why I'm an alcoholic. I don't come from an alcoholic family. I'm the oldest of four kids, the only boy and the only alcoholic in my immediate family. As far as I know, my dad, my dad likes his beer. He would. My dad liked to have a beer, you know. But the thought of drinking so much beer that it affects your walking and your speech and your drinking. Driving is just insane. Why would anybody do that? So I'm just the opposite. I'm like my dad would buy like a six pack of beer on a Saturday and stop what he's doing. If he's working on a car, working in the yard or watching TV or whatever and have a beer and then go back to what he was doing, which I don't understand that if I if I stop and have a beer, that's what I'm doing. And whatever I was doing before, it couldn't have been very important. No. Why would I stop and have a beer? So but my dad did. That's just the way he is. You know, so he didn't understand the way I drank. I don't understand the way he drank. And my mother may be an alcoholic. We don't know. We couldn't tell. There's no way to tell because you won't drink. And that's the best way to tell really is to watch how they drink. And after I got sober and I was very interested to find out why I'm an alcoholic, it's a useless piece of information. Anyway, there used to be a Catholic priest from Alabama named Father. Hilary. Some of you may have known him. Father Hilary would say, it don't matter how the jackass got in the ditch, Liam, get him out. And and that that makes sense. But I just you know, I just wanted to know because I drank with some people who I know I was smarter than they are. I just knew it, you know, when you are and but they could stop drinking. And so it doesn't have anything to do with how smart you are. Or. Or. Or. It just doesn't resolve you know, OK, I can stop and have a beer, but have a shot of whiskey. But just one, you know, just just because I don't know if I ever said just one, but maybe just a couple. And then then I really got to go. And then, you know, once you start, it's like Chuck said. I don't start a fire to put it out. And so I just I don't know why I'm an alcoholic. But so I asked. But I was very interested to find out why. So I started looking at this and listening to people sharing. I said to my mother, why don't you drink? And she said, why do you care? I said, well, are you an alcoholic? And she said, am I an alcoholic? Have you ever seen me take a drink ever? No, but I know hundreds of alcoholics that don't drink. Why don't you drink? Are you an alcoholic? She said, why are you asking me this? I said, okay, I'll tell you why. Because there's such a thing as a genetic predisposition, and it may be your fault I'm a drunk. And she had pretty much the same response you just had. And she said, so it might be my fault. And she said, I'll tell you what my deal is. When I was young, I drank. And every time I drank, I got sick, stupid, and obnoxious. So I stopped. And I said, you've got to drink through that. Mom, you know, that part wasn't shocking to me. It's just that she doesn't understand the promised land lies beyond sick, stupid, and obnoxious. She didn't have the tenacity to make this program. My mother just passed away at the end of last year. Let me tell you something. A lot of times, I've been going to meetings for a long time, and it seems like every time around the end of the year or the beginning of a new year, there's always somebody in a participation meeting that will say, I'm so glad to see this year end and move on to the next year, as if moving from 2015 to another number, 2016, is going to change the conditions of the world, you know. And a friend of mine said that to me. A friend of mine said, I said, Happy New Year. She goes, oh, I hope it is. And she's sober. Wow, sober 15, 16 years. And she had a horrendous story. And she's doing great. But I said, she said, I'm just so glad to see 2015 in the rearview mirror, aren't you? I said, was it the whole year was bad for you? She said, oh, God, yeah. I said, how about you? I said, well, you know, I could present it in a way that would make it sound like it was a bad year. And there were things that happened in the year. My sister, who was born on my second birthday, she's my younger sister, got cancer. She had to have her leg removed. And then the cancer spread. And she ended up, this May, she passed away. And so I lost my sister in May. And my sponsor, Dick Martin, died in September. And then my mother died in November. So if I wanted to present it in that way, oh, my God, my sister died. And my sponsor died. And my mother died. That was three events that happened in 2015. And overall, 2015 was a good year, just like 2014 was a good year, just like 2013 was a good year. And, you know, I don't have bad years. I've got some days that I don't care about having repeating, you know. You'll never hear me say I wouldn't trade my best days drinking for my worst days sober. I'm not one of those guys. I've had some kind of miserable days in sobriety. And I had some great days drinking and using. By the way. When I say using, let me clear this up. I'm an alcoholic to the core. All my recovery is in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm also a drug addict. And Alcoholics Anonymous is not a drug treatment program. However, if you're an alcoholic, like I am, who is also a drug addict, like I am, you work these 12 steps on your alcoholism, it does wonders for your drug addiction. It's just kind of a side effect, you know. So, I'm not somebody who minds hearing about drug use in AA. Carla, my wife Carla, says it the best I've ever heard. She said, mentioning drugs in an AA meeting is not a violation of the fifth tradition. Not mentioning alcohol is a violation of the fifth tradition. And that's as well as I've ever heard it said. You know. You know. You know. You know. I'm a drug addict who is also basically an alcoholic. I treated my alcoholism with AA. And my drug addiction is a thing of the past. It's an outside issue. But it seems to be controversial anyway. Parenting is also an outside issue. It's an outside issue. It's not a parenting program. However, we come in here, we work these 12 steps, and our parenting skills seem to benefit from it. It's not a work program. But we talk about employment. We talk about I was a bad employee. I was a bad employer. I had a bad employer. I had a bad employee. I was a bad worker. I was a good worker. Whatever. But nobody seems to mind if we talk about working or parenting. Or driving. Oh my God. Driving is an outside issue. And yet the streets of Hilton Head are so much safer because we're in the air than if we were out there motoring around with a bottle between our knees. So it's just. However. And I enjoy drugs. I use. I only use. You know. Every drug I ever heard of, except for ones I've heard of since I got sober. You know, I don't use those, but I wonder, you know. That's why I hang out with new people, you know. Hey, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Did you ever do any of that ecstasy? Because ecstasy is a good name for a drug. I don't know. You know, you get these new guys go, yeah, man. Yeah, I did. How was that? Dude, I'm here, you know. So I guess it wasn't the answer to all our problems. But still, still, just because it's controversial, whenever, when I, I didn't know where my life was going to go when I was living the life, you know. But if I had, if I could have seen around those corners, first time somebody said to me, hey, man, try this. I would have said, you know, I would love to, but I'm going to be speaking in an AA meeting in 30 years, you know. I don't want to piss off any of these people. I don't want to piss off any of these old guys, you know. So anyway, my first drink, I didn't even tend to have it. I told you, there wasn't any drinking specifically in my family, so I don't come from an alcoholic family. I didn't start drinking too young. My first drink, I had friends in high school that drank. I just didn't care about it. It didn't look attractive to me. But my friend Morris, who was kind of my sexual sponsor, said, look, if you want to get a home run with this girl, you're going to have to get her drunk. And I could follow directions, you know. I mean, like, and that seemed like a good thing. I wanted to do that. Because we used to use those baseball terms, you know, first base, second base, third base and home run. I don't even remember where the bases are now. Because there's not enough bases in the first place, you know. And it seemed like there ought to be like nine or ten bases. But anyway. But I remember home run. That was a real important one. And Morris said, if you want to get a home run with this girl, you have to get her drunk. So I went and stole a quart of Rainier Ale, which was the national beverage of Garden Grove, California, where I grew up. That's what all my guys drank. I got this quart of Rainier Ale, and we went and parked by the railroad track. And we'd been there before. We'd done some necking and petting. But now I got my ammunition. And I still didn't care about drinking. I tended to drink, but I would have been happy to say, here, drink this and let me know when you're ready. It just seemed rude. So I opened it, and I took a pull, and I handed it to her, and she drank some. And then she handed it back, and we sat there and talked and kissed and passed this bottle back and forth. And it turned out one thing led to another. And it was the first time I ever had an alcoholic buzz. And I liked it. It felt loose and fun and free and happy. And I guess it did the same thing to her. So Morris was right. This is the first time I ever had an alcoholic high and the first time I ever had sex in front of a witness. So I just, I don't remember articulating it. But at some point that night, I said, I'm going to do both of these things as much as I can the rest of my life. It changed my life, you know. It was a pivotal point. And I went into the music business. I made money making music for a while. And then I got a job as a civil. I've worked a whole bunch of different jobs. But 25 years I was a prop man, stagehand in L.A. for television. And so I retired from that. And I spent half of that time I was loaded, and half of it I was sober. And I worked on a lot of shows. And at some point, when I first got into that business, I got a pretty good reputation. Because I paid attention. You know, I was smart. I'm a figure-outer. So I could take direction and, you know, be where I was supposed to be. And so I got a good reputation. And then I started to lose it. Because I either didn't show up. Or I'd show up late. Or I'd show up drunk. One time I showed up drunk. I was a head prop on a show at CBS. And I didn't come in. I was too drunk. So I didn't call. Because I knew they'd think I was drunk. I went in the next day. And I said, geez, where were you yesterday? Well, I had food poisoning. Well, you couldn't call? You know, I said, I'm sorry. And he said, sorry? Hell, you're out of here. We got by without you. We don't need you. So then a friend of mine, who was a head prop on another show at ABC, got me in as his second hand. And I was there for a while. Then I got drunk one night. Same thing. But now I learned my lesson. So I went in. And that didn't seem like, you know, it seems like they're really out to get alcoholics. Like, you show up, you don't show up, they fire you. You show up, they fire you. You know. But things started to get out of hand. And I had a couple of friends who were getting sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. And so I'm watching them. But things were really getting out of hand. I didn't show up for my daughter. I had a daughter. I was married to this woman. And we had this little girl. And when she was about three years old, her mother had all she could take of me. And said, no, I'm done. We're done. And we weren't married. So we just split up. But I stayed in my daughter's life. And her mother remarried. And I stayed friends with her. I was with her mother and her stepfather. And so I was welcome in their home. But sometimes I just, you know, I couldn't stop drinking. One time I was supposed to pick my daughter up. And she was like 12 years old. I was supposed to pick her up at noon on a Saturday. We were going to spend the day together, see a movie, go to dinner, spend the night at my house. I'd bring her back Sunday evening. And that was the plan. We were both looking forward to it. When I got over to her house, I was there at noon on Saturday, drunk. And I didn't mean to be drunk. I knew I was drunk. And I, damn it, I did it again. And so I tried to act like I wasn't. And I didn't fool anybody. And I wasn't there five minutes when her stepfather walked me out on the front porch. And he said, Doug, you're drunk. I said, I am. And he said, damn it. You know, Star was really looking forward to this. I said, me too. And he said, I can't let her get in the car with you. And I understood that. I said, yeah. I get it. And he said, let me make this clear. You're welcome in our home any time, sober. Don't come over here drunk anymore. It's very hard on Star. Boy, those words are like branded on my brain, you know. I can just picture him right this moment saying that. You're welcome in our home any time, sober. Don't come over here drunk anymore. It's hard on Star. Hard on my daughter. He's protecting my child from me. He didn't say, don't come over here drunk. We're afraid you're going to break our furniture, embarrass us in front of the neighbors, or fall in the pool. He's protecting my only child from me, which is what he should do. I understood every bit of that. And it broke my heart. Because I had good parents. I wanted to be a good parent. I wanted very much to be a good parent. I had good examples. And I just couldn't do it. I couldn't not show up drunk. And I got in the car. I said, it won't happen again. He said, I hope not. I got in the car and I started to drive home. And I got halfway down the block. And I couldn't hold back the tears. The pain in my heart was so bad. The tears just came like Niagara Falls. And I couldn't even see to drive. I turned on the windshield wipers. It seemed like a good idea. But it didn't help. So I got a couple blocks away. And I pulled into this parking lot. A little strip mall. And I just opened the door. And I put my feet on the pavement. And I put my head in my hands. And I sobbed like a baby. I couldn't stand the pain. And the disappointment in myself. And I looked up and I saw this red neon sign. It said liquor. And I got out of the car. And I walked into that liquor store. And I bought a pint of whiskey. And I had a bottle. And I had a couple of pulls. And I was okay. I was okay. See there are heads nodding in here. Of course there are. Because you are the ones who understand. If I tell this story at a PTA meeting. You know they look at you like you are an unfit parent. You know like. Excuse me sir. I don't know that I understood you. It sounded like you said you were so distraught over your drinking. That you drank. That's right lady. I hope you didn't drive. I hope you weren't on Tampa Avenue that day. Because I'm literally a danger to myself and others. You know. But you understand. You are the only ones who understand. It's hard for. How can anybody understand it if they are not an alcoholic. It's like when Bob and Bill went to visit Bill D. Alcoholics Anonymous number one. Number three. In the hospital. And he said listen. Thanks you guys for coming. But people have talked to me about my drinking. I usually drink on the way home from the hospital. They said we don't. We didn't come to talk about your drinking. We came to tell you about our drinking. And they did. And he got it. And they came back the next day when Bill D's wife was there. And Bill said these are the guys I told you about. The ones who understand. That's what you are. You are the ones who understand. That's what I am. I am the ones who understand you. You know. Bill was there last night. And when you hear Bill tomorrow. Somebody in our life was the one who understood. And we understood that they understood. And. And it's you know. It's a miracle. I mean before Alcoholics Anonymous. People used to die right and left of these things. Good people. Because they couldn't control their drinking. And nobody understood why. But my life was spinning out of control. I went skiing up at Mammoth with a friend of mine. Because the way I like to ski. I like to get on the lifts about 8.30 when they first open. And when the snow is all fresh. You know all groomed. And be the first ones up at the top of the hill. And I get on there. And I take my gloves off. And hook them on my vest. And I reach over here. And get my little flask of whiskey. And have a little shot of that whiskey. And then I reach over here. And get my vial of cocaine. And do a little one and one wake up. And carry that baby up. And enjoy the scenery. Get up to the top. And get off. And make sure my bindings are all right. Pull out my boda bag. Have a little shot of whiskey. I mean rum. White wine. Boda bag. Boda bag has white wine. So you have to keep these things separate. And then ski down the hill. And I'm loose. And I'm free. You're really in no condition to be involved in an athletic event. And so I skied off this cliff. And you'd think like if I didn't explain it to you, you'd think it was an accident. No, no. I thought I could make it. I could have turned left like most people were doing. But it's just there was a cliff there. And it was right after the Winter Olympics. And you know when those Winter Olympics guys, they're airborne. And they lean way over the front of their skis. And they look like a bird. I didn't do that. I thought that was for looks. There's a reason they all do that. If you don't do that, for some reason your skis will go straight up in the air. And then you're heading towards the planet with your skis on the top and your head on the bottom. Which is never recommended. And so I landed upside down. Fortunately my shoulder hit before my head did. And I broke my shoulder. And the ski patrol took me down. They put me in the hospital. I broke my shoulder. I'm out of work for six weeks. And I just got back to work. I'm back to work about a month or two. And somebody had a party that lasted all night long. And in the morning, there was just a few of us left, about four of us left. And the woman who owned the house said, If somebody will take me to the store and get some eggs, I'll make breakfast. I said, I'll do it. And I got my Harley parked across the driveway. So we went out and we got on the scooter. Started to go get eggs. I don't know why I thought eggs and Harley was a good combination. But now we're going down the road. And it's like sunrise. The sun is just spreading across the horizon. You know how it does. It's just starting to light up the sky a little bit. It's a beautiful scene. And it was April. April in Southern California. It's not hot. It's not cold. It's brisk, you know, at sunrise. And it was before that California had a helmet law. So our hair was flying in the air. We got that Harley rumble going on. And there's no traffic. And so we both had the same idea. It was like, this is so sexy. We should make love in the great outdoors. It was like a thought that came to both of us. Like mental telepathy. But I don't know if you're familiar with downtown Burbank. But it's not an area with a lot of outdoor lovemaking venues. We managed to find a four-story parking structure. And that helped. We could go up and have the top of that four-story parking structure where nobody could see us. We'd still have the sky open. And it just seemed beautiful. But then the gate was barred up. The gate was locked. So we went around to the fire escape and parked the bike and went up to the fire escape. And got to the top of the fire escape. And that door is locked. But I'm kind of bright, you know. So I know that the door to the fire escape, of course, is unlocked from the inside. So I jumped up on the wall. And I'm going to swing over. And open that door. And then we'll have the whole top to ourselves. And I got the jump all right. I'm hanging from the wall. And I know somehow I'm going to get over. I'm trying to do a pull-up. But I can't quite do that. I'm swinging back and forth. I almost always manage to come out of these things. But this time I remember seeing the wall going up. And quickly I figured out this is a stationary wall. It can't be going up. It can't be going down. And so I fell 54 feet. And I landed feet first. And then, of course, when I landed, my knees buckled. And my foot came up. I kicked myself in the ass is what happened. And broke my pelvis in two places. And snapped the heel bone off my right foot. And shoved it through my foot like a bowling ball. And just broke all those little bones in your foot, you know. So I didn't walk away from that one. But here's the deal. Somebody's been with me whether I recognize it or not. This happened to be the parking structure of St. Joseph's Hospital. So the gal who was with me ran into the ER. And she said, help me. My friend just fell off your parking lot. And it broke him. And he's easy to find. He's crumpled up at the bottom of the fire escape there. And so they came out and got me. And put me in the trauma center. And I would be in and out of consciousness. And they had a .40 blood alcohol level. And later on I thought I was pretty good driving that motorcycle over there barefoot. You know, as drunk as I was. And I almost made the jump. And so I was in the hospital for ten days. While they tried to figure out what to do with my foot. They had to reconstruct it. And friends would bring me in gifts, you know. And it never occurred to me to say to the doctors. Look, I know you're giving me Demerol and Percodan for the pain. Thank you. I'm self-administering Irish whiskey and cocaine. Is that going to be a conflict? And I thought, well, if it is, you know, I'm in the hospital. It's not like they have to come find me someplace. Anyway, I got out of there. It took me five months to learn to walk. And without crutches or a cane or something. So my friend Teddy got sober. And Teddy, she was great. She was a dangerous drunk. She was really fun to drink. And use with. But she was dangerous. She would, you know, start a fight that you had to finish. And she'd do things like that, you know. And take a swing at somebody. And because, you know, you're with her. Well, what are you going to do? And so, you know, she's just kidding. And so, but Teddy got sober. And she turned into a lady almost immediately. Just so quick, you know. I mean, she wasn't dangerous anymore. And she was really smart and funny. Now she's just smart and funny and sober. And dependable. She'd show up. She'd be where she said she was going to be when she said she was going to be there. Dressed appropriately and speaking in whole sentences. And I was impressed with that. I was glad for her. And I told her, I'm really happy for you. But every time you talked to her, she'd say something like big book or meeting or sponsor or something. And finally I said, look, I don't know. Shut up. I don't know if you're trying to draft me into your organization or whatever. You know, I'll tell you this, Teddy. If I ever see alcohol interfering with my life, I probably will go to AA. And she was with me through all that stuff. She said, if you ever see it interfering with your life, my God, Doug, what would you call interference? Brain death? And I said, okay, I see where you're going with this, you know. But I don't think that accidents should count. Seriously, anybody fall off a four-story building drunk or sober, you're going to get hurt. I mean, being drunk may have saved my life for all I know. You know, you got alcoholism mixed up with gravity, honey. And so she just gave up on me. She said, okay, whatever. And she went home. But all that week, whenever I had a little quiet moment, you know, like you have these little quiet meditation moments, I'd picture Teddy's face saying, what would you call interference? Brain death? And I started thinking about it. You know, the accidents I told you about could easily have ended in brain death. I didn't have any control over that. There were other ones that also could have ended in brain death. The next one may end up in brain death, and there'll be a next one. I understood all of that. And it started to scare me a little bit. Then it started to scare me a lot. I could end up, because of my drinking, because I won't stop drinking, I could end up in a bed or a wheelchair the rest of my life, unable to feed myself, or go to the bathroom by myself and know it. That's the scariest part, and know it. And the more I thought about it, the more it scared me. And I rushed right down to AA three years later. People call me compulsive. No. Some things. But not so much recovery. And so I went to my first meeting. Somebody told me, go to a big speaker meeting. They'll leave you alone to lie. I went there. The meeting started at 8.30, but I didn't know what time it started, so I got there at 6.30. It was at a community room, a subterranean community room in Valley Presbyterian Hospital in San Fernando Valley. And I got there early, and I'm watching. There were people there. They're setting up chairs. They're making coffee. They're setting up the literature. They're all hugging and laughing. And I'm just sort of put off by it, but I'm amused by it, too. And I'm leaning against the wall over by the double doors. And people would come up to me and go, are you new? And I'd say, no, I'm not. And most of them would walk away. And this one guy came up, and he goes, you're new. And I said, no, I'm not. And he said, oh, what's your name? I haven't seen you here before. I said, my name's Doug, and you haven't seen me here before because I've never been here before. So that explains that. He goes, oh, well, that's what we mean by new, man. Like, you're new. You've never been here before. And I said, oh, OK. OK, all right, I'll buy that. I'm new, like I've never been here before. But I'm not new like a new member, OK? I didn't come here to be like the newest little berry on your tree, you know? Like, I'm not over here. I don't know what it looks like to you, but I'm not over here, help, help. I'm drowning in a sea of alcohol. That's not me, man. That's just not who I am. I'm observing, OK? I'm visiting, all right? I'm auditing the class, you know what I'm saying? You know, I'm just checking it out, man, OK? That's what I'm here for. I'm here to check it out. I'm not a joiner, OK? I just, I never have been, man. I'm a loner, you know, an outlaw, a desperado. I'm a misfit, man. I've been out all my life. I don't fit in school. I barely fit in my own damn family. I don't fit in the workplace. You know, I just, I'm a loner. You know, I just, you know, so just don't put me on your little roster or whatever, you know? Don't give me your number. Don't ask for mine, you know? Just wave as you pass, you know? I'm just over here minding my own business. You might try that sometime, see how that works for you. And now, you can't insult you people away, you know? This guy's got a big grin. He's going, I like you. Yeah, you're going to fit right in. Really? Really? So, yeah. So there was another guy leaning against the wall by the double doors, on the other side of the double doors. We're both sitting there cross-armed, looking irritated. And everybody else is doing stuff and hugging and laughing and setting up chairs and doing stuff. And then more people filed in. Somebody said, there's some chairs over there if you want to sit down. I said, you know, I've been here a long time. I saw them set up these chairs. I see people come in. They put down a jacket, put down a purse, put down keys. No keys, no purse, no jacket. That seat's available. I get it. I'm a figure-outer. But the fact is, I may not be able to stay for your whole deal. So if I have to leave, I don't want to cause a big scene. Excuse me. Pardon me. I'm okay standing back here. I'm fine. Back here by the exit. Okay? And, you know, I'm just... Today, I think if somebody said, I don't want to sit down because I may have to leave, I would expect that that meant they were going to get a call or a text or something. Because they didn't care enough about AA to leave their phone in the car. But anyway. And... And... But I didn't have a phone. Nobody had phones in 86. I mean, people had phones at home. They had answering machines. Some people had pagers. I didn't have a pager either. I didn't need one. Nobody wanted to contact me. What the hell do I need a pager for? But what I had was a garage door opener with a belt clip on it. And it looked cool. You know, like I was somebody important. Because it never bothers you. And... But if you want to use it, like you're in a conversation and your head says, shut up, go get a drink. You can go, oh, I got to get this. I'll be right back. Perfect. Unless somebody says, what is that? It looks like my garage door opener. It is. It's a combination, garage door opener, pager, and TV remote. It's the latest, coolest thing. So I said it. I got one, you know. So anyway, they started the meeting. And me and this other cool guy are still standing in the back. And I thought, we're the cool section here. You know, we're too cool to sit down. And we're standing back at the back when they started the meeting. And people read stuff. And the secretary said at one point, we have a birthday tonight. We have a birthday for Ruth for 18 years. And everybody said, yay, Ruth. Yay, Ruth. And I thought, I love that, that they celebrate people's birthdays. So I'm looking around for Ruth, some 18-year-old tiny hiney, right? Where's Ruth? Ruth gets up. It's a meeting with a stage, you know. Like they had a proscenium stage with curtains and everything. You had to walk upstairs to get to it. And Ruth is walking through the audience. And Ruth is 50 if she's a day. And my first thought was, God damn, if she's 18, she should stop. Stop drinking. But she didn't look bad. She looked, she was dressed up and made up and quaffed, you know. I mean, she was coming to take her birthday cake. I didn't know that they had, I didn't know that they call them birthdays when people have. But I figured out, okay, this is AA. They don't drink. Ruth hasn't had a drink in 18 years. Maybe it's a national record. I don't know. That's a long time, 18 years. So I thought, well, happy birthday, Ruth. Oh, my God, I cued the choir. I didn't know. I don't know if you do this here. But in California, Southern California, we clap for everything and we sing happy birthday. If somebody's having a birthday. So everybody starts, happy birthday. 200 people singing happy birthday in four different keys at the same time. I told you, I'm a musician. I'm a guitar player. And I know bad singing from good singing. When it's that bad, it's not hard to identify. And many of them were not even committed to the key they started in. So I'm kind of shocked by this. And I looked over at the other cool guy to see if he notices he's singing with them. So I really am the only cool person in the room. And they had a piano on stage. They had a baby grand piano with a sheet over it. And I thought, somebody in this room can play. I still believe any group of 200 Americans, average Americans, somebody can fake happy birthday on the piano. It's not hard. It's a three-chord song, CGD. And I thought, I could do it. I'm not even a piano player. Maybe I should. Do them a favor, you know. Be a big hero. Run up there, yank that sheet off of there. Here I come to save the day. You know. And get everybody in the same key. And then all of a sudden I had this little, like a little tiny sponsor thought, you know. You know, sometimes that hero thing doesn't work out like you think it's going to. Why don't you just shut up. It's a short song. So, happy birthday. Keep coming back. And then Ruth gets up and these girls have this cake. And she blows the candles out. And everybody claps. And she says, my name's Ruth. And I'm an alcoholic. And everybody, of course, goes, hi, Ruth. And I... It's like, this is like kindergarten or something. My friend Scott used to say, this is some level of lameness I never knew was available to me. So, Ruth says, I want you to know that over these last 18 years of sobriety, I've attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous every single day. Well, I didn't know they had AA meetings every single day. Let alone that you would go to one every day for 18 years. I was just... I didn't know how to take it. And I looked over at the other cool guy to see if he's giggling at this. And then I realized I'm really alone. This guy is a member. I know that because now he's heading over to me. And he's got his hand out like we do. You know, and that sunbeam for Jesus smile. And he takes my hand in both hands. And he says, hey, I'll tell you what. If you stay sober a year, we'll give you one of them cakes. Okay, that isn't weird. Don't drink for a year and you get a cake. I don't really know anything about this guy like I thought I did. The only thing I know about him, he values cake more than I do. Because to me it seemed like if you don't drink for a year, you ought to get a car. You know, something. And I just... I talked to make fun of him. I said, I'm not much of a pastry eater, you know. If I wanted a cake, I'd just stop at Safeway on the way home. You know, I think they're like five bucks. Or I could not drink for a year. Hmm. In fact, it wouldn't even be out of my way. I've got to stop and get a six pack anyway. But thank you. So then people read stuff, like I said. And somebody talked for an hour. It was a speaker meeting. I can't tell you if the speaker was a man or a woman, let alone what he or she said. That's how important the speakers are. We just kind of fill up time, you know, so people can digest their food. But I remember that at some point, the secretary is like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this is our big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. The basic text of our program. It's the only authority on AA. I heard her say that. It's the only authority on AA. And she said, if you're new, please don't leave without this book. So we established, I'm new. So I will steal the book. And they had a bunch of them on a table with some other stuff. And I realized I could go pick up that book, act like I'm fascinated with it, and walk right out the door. Wow, this is going to really help. Oh, man, this is great. And walk right out the door. And if they even noticed, they'd say, let them go. And I still think that might have happened. I didn't get to test that because she said, if you're new and you're financially embarrassed, we understand that. We've been there. We want you to have this book. We'll make very liberal credit arrangements, including nothing down and nothing a week until you get back on your feet. So now if I steal the book, you're going to think I'm homeless. And I'm barely holding on to it, but I got a job. And I got money. It's a hardcover book. It's probably 20, 25 bucks, you know. So I got to wait until the end of the meeting so I can go up and buy one of the books. And I went up to her afterwards. I said, excuse me, ma'am, can I buy one of your books? She said, oh, the big book? Yeah, the big book. Yeah, I've seen bigger. How much is that big book? It's $4.65. Do you have it? It's $4.65. Yeah, I think I can handle that. Here's a five. Keep the change. She said, no, I'll get your change. No, lady, listen. I'm very serious about this. I want you to keep the change and use that change to help a drunk because I'm on my feet, okay? So she gave me. I got the big book. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of whiskey. So I get home with my big book and my fifth of whiskey and I poured about three fingers of whiskey and I sat down to read this book. And I did not stay up all night studying the book. I have the ability to look at the title of a chapter, almost any book, and pretty much know everything in the chapter. It's just a gift that I have. And so, of course, I didn't bother with the doctor's opinion. I've had doctor's opinions, so I don't need that one. I got into the chapter one, Bill's story. Who cares? Chapter two. Chapter two, there's a solution. That's a sales pitch. Young man, there's a solution to your problem. The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous will give you a life beyond your wildest drunken dreams. Great. Chapter three, more about alcoholism. Now that sounded like it actually could be the most boring piece of literature in the English language. So I'm going to save that one until I'm tweaking some night, you know. I feel like I got toothpicks in my eyelids. More about alcoholism. I'm already up to chapter four, we agnostics. We agnostics. When I walked into my first AA meeting, I expected to find a bunch of people who used to drink like I drink and don't anymore. I believe that. And were atheists and agnostics. Because my grandmother, who was a drunk, got sober when she found Jesus. And she was sober 37 years. She became a Pentecostal minister. Four-square gospel minister. And she opened a Skid Row Mission in San Pedro, California. On Beacon Street in San Pedro, if you know that area. And at that time in the 50s, it was a very, very rough area. And people got killed there. Somebody got killed on Beacon Street almost every night at that time. And my grandmother's little white dove Pentecostal Mission was right there. And she would bring these wharf rats and winos in and save their lives. And they would save their souls. And they would stop drinking. And she quit drinking. And she quit smoking. And she hated AA. And I always thought she hated AA because there was no God here. Because people got sober without God. And when you come here, you don't have to be here five minutes before you hear my higher power. Power greater than myself. Humbly asked Him with a capital H. Admitted to God. Prayed to God. Told God, oh my God, God, the last house on the block is Sunday School. Are you kidding me? And I was so irritated. And in this book, the secretary had said was the only authority. It's got a whole chapter called We Agnostics. I was so elated. I poured another three fingers of whiskey and I read chapter four all the way through. And I finished. I thought I have absolutely no idea what I just read. So I poured some more whiskey and I read it again. And then I poured some more whiskey and I read it again. I'm looking for how the smart people stay sober without God. And it's not in there. But there's a couple of things in there. One of them is a sentence that on my probably third reading jumped off the page at me. Very subtle, but incredibly significant. It said, we found that God doesn't make too hard terms on those who seek Him. I never heard that before. Anybody I ever heard talk about God, whichever. And I knew something about religions of the world, Western and Eastern. And it seemed to me in my drunken opinion of organized religion, that every religion said you have to jump through spiritual hoops to get God's attention. My grandmother's Pentecostal church never said that. In fact, they would say just the opposite. You know, they had a way of saying my one syllable name in less than a syllable. Hello, I do hope you brought your guitar. We're going to make a joyful noise tonight. They would say, you know, we are very sure that God makes hard terms on those who seek Him. Boy, you know, God will not even hear your prayers unless you're baptized. And I don't mean sprinkled on the forehead like some Methodist. No, no, I'm talking about total sublimation, boy. Total sublimation, that's why we got to take a water for Christ up here. Come on up, son. We don't soak you down, pull you up, washed in the blood of the Lamb, praise Jesus. Oh, man, somebody get the boy a towel. I'm like 14 years old that I am. Not getting wet in this room tonight. I'm absolutely positive my grandmother would die before she'd let him drown her only grandson. But she's a little bitty thing. These are big old fat guys and maybe she told him I touched myself. I don't know, you know. They could be sending my ass to Jesus for my own good as far as I could tell, you know. So I'm like, I said, you know what, I got brand new Levi's on. Shrink to fit, you know what I'm saying. Like, if I get in that tank, man, I won't be able to ride my bicycle. I'll be back, you know, I'm out of there. But it wasn't just the Pentecostals. My girlfriend was Catholic. She had to go to confession, communion, confirmation, a bunch of other cons to determine how many Hail Marys and Our Fathers would cleanse her soul of the various kinds of sins. I know we got Catholics in here. Validate me. Catholics don't have sin. They got them categorized. They got levels of sin. Menial, menial, cardinal, mortal. Some of them you don't even have to do them. If you think about them, express way to hell, partner. Like, you could go to hell for thinking about sin. You could burn in perdition for eternity for thinking about sin. And I remember, okay, this is not going to be my deal here. I'm out of here. But I wonder how long I could actually go without thinking about sin. Oh, shit. And my friend Michael was an Orthodox Jew. And he and his brother Sherm had to wear spit girls to school. So I remember thinking, oh, there's a loving God for you. All right. Went over to there. Went over to their house for dinner one night. His mom says, Doug, welcome to our home. It's an honor to have you. Would you like to join us in some wine and . Some what? She said, would you like to join our family in some wine and . I said, well, I'll have some wine. I'm not much of a pastry eater, Mrs. Stein. And then there were Buddhists and Hindus and Muslims. Oh, my. So by the time I got to AA, I'm like, here's the line. All the religions of the world over there, I'll be over here making fun of you. And that's the guy that came to AA. I didn't have an epiphany when I read that God doesn't make too hard terms or that you don't have to accept anyone's concept of God. Find one you're comfortable with that seems to be okay with the Creator. I understood what that said, but it was just such a new concept. I had to go back to AA. And I knew I had a problem with alcohol. I was kind of hoping that I was the kind of alcoholic who didn't have to stop altogether. That once I got a little handle on my drink and even if I had to stop for a couple months, that I could have a cold beer on a hot day. It just makes sense, you know. Or a glass of wine with dinner, you know. I'll have the 12-ounce porterhouse, please. Medium rare and a nice dry red. Maybe a Beaujolais or a Pinot Noir or a Petite Syrah. What year of Petite do you have? You know what I'm saying? You know, that's a responsible adult beverage consumption. That's what I'm looking for. A margarita with my enchilada. You know, a little sake with my sushi. Or sometimes get a fifth of whiskey and chug it down and have an inappropriate experience. But just not all the time. And so I went to AA for eight months. And I went five, six, seven times a week for eight months. Went to different groups because I really didn't want anybody to get to know me. So I didn't have a home group. I didn't have a sponsor. I didn't read the book. I didn't take the steps. I didn't know what a tradition was. I didn't have a commitment anywhere. I didn't believe in God. And I was drinking every day. So, except for that, I had a pretty good program. But finally, I came home from a meeting one night. It was about 10.30 at night. And I laid on the floor and opened a bottle of whiskey and watched TV until I passed out. Woke up in the middle of the night about 3 a.m. I used to do that a lot. Wake up about 3 a.m. Bottles half full. I don't know where the cap is. I crawled on my hands and knees through the living room, through the hallway, into the bedroom to go to bed. Some people call it pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I just call it going to bed. The first time I thought about it, I thought, hey, I thought it was brilliant. You can't fall off the floor. So I got into my bedroom and I stood up to get undressed and I fell. As soon as I stood up, I fell on my knees and I spilled this whiskey all over the bed. I picked it up and most of it's in, there was still some in the bottle, most of it's in the bedspread. So I set that bottle in a safe place and I grabbed the bedspread and started sucking whiskey out of it. And a voice in my head said, hey, man, that ain't right. You thirsty? There's whiskey in the bottle, man. I'm not thirsty. I'm frugal. I'll waste my life, but I'm not letting the whiskey evaporate in the bedspread overnight. Look what I was doing. And I knew, you know, that only an alcoholic would do that. It didn't surprise me. I knew I was an alcoholic, but I didn't know what to do about it. All of a sudden, I was out of ideas. I always had some kind of idea. You know, maybe this, maybe that. I was out of ideas. And I've been going to AA for eight months and I've been hearing you people talk about things. And I heard a lot of people say this. They ask God for help. And people told me if you ask God for help, the help will come. I thought it was a metaphor or something, but I'm out of ideas. So I just said, God, if you're there, please help me. And I went to bed and I went to sleep. And over the next couple of weeks, every single day, something odd would happen. Not like the parting of the Red Sea, just something odd. I went to my neighborhood liquor store. Everybody behind that counter, day or night, knows who I am. They know what I drink. All they need to know is pint or half pint, really. And I walked in there the next day. There's a guy from AA behind the counter. And by the way, I'm lying about my sobriety. I got four different sobriety dates at four different groups. I'm taking bogus chips. So I don't remember how much time this guy thinks I have or even cares. But I said, what are you doing in here? He said, no, what are you doing in here? I said, I just came to get some cigarettes. I got my smokes and I went someplace else and got a bottle. But then I'm in the liquor department of the supermarket. Reach up for a bottle. Somebody from AA is pushing a cart towards me. Hey, one day at a time. Keep it simple. I'm at a restaurant in Burbank, across from NBC. I went over for lunch. And the waitress is somebody I know from AA. This is happening to me every day. Somebody from AA between me and a drink. And it didn't keep me from drinking. It just created little hurdles I was happy to jump over. But it's happening every day and I can't ignore it. Finally, I'm on the way to work after a couple of weeks. Literally 14 days of this. And I just killed a half pint of Bushmills at 3 a.m. Or not 3 a.m., 6.30 a.m. And I'm on the way to work. And I just killed this half pint of Bushmills. And I don't keep empty bottles in the car. They're illegal and useless. And I rolled down the window and tossed this bottle out the window just as a guy from AA is driving towards me. He saw me and waved. And I threw a bottle in front of his car. And I thought, where are these people coming from? God, they're like cockroaches. Where have we seen a person fail? Like those stupid miracles they talk about in AA. And as soon as I thought the word miracle, it was like I could hear God laughing. I pulled the car over to the side of the road. And I sat there and I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I didn't know I was at the second step. It's clear now. But it was the beginning of my sobriety. The beginning of hearing the music of Alcoholics Anonymous. I think there's a rhythm and a harmony and a melody that runs through this thing that makes the words make sense. Words don't always make sense until they're set to music. And if you're new and you're wondering, what the hell is this idiot talking about the music of AA? Stick around. And if you're older, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But I started to do things right. I got a sponsor. I'm going to meetings. I'm getting commitments at meetings. I'm sweeping floors and I'm washing coffee cups and ashtrays. And I didn't read the book. My sponsor didn't tell me to read the book for some reason. And I'm a slow reader, but I've got a good memory. So people would quote the book and meetings. And I just remember what they said. It's dangerous because sometimes people misquote the book. But, you know, you get things like, well, you know, it says that they give you a page number sometimes. It says on page 84. That love and tolerance of others is our code. That one happens to be accurate. But all the stuff I was quoting wasn't necessarily. And a lady said, our book says, I'm used. Our book says that our drinking was but a symptom of deeper underlying causes and conditions. I hadn't heard that before. And honestly, that's not an exact quote, but it's close enough. It's a good paraphrase. But then she went on to say something that was not in the book at all. Not even suggested. That if you don't find your deeper underlying cause and condition, you're going to drink again. And that scared me because I don't know what my deeper underlying cause and condition is. I told you about my first drink. I told you about my family. I don't know what my deeper underlying cause and condition is. I just started drinking. I liked it. And it just got out of hand. Deeper underlying cause and condition. Oh, my God. So I started looking for it, you know. And I thought, oh, my God. When I was 24 years old, I had just moved from Orange County up to Hollywood to try to make a living making music. And I was getting some work. I was playing bass in a band. Somebody would say, would you play harmonica on my record? Would you sing background? I wrote a song. I co-wrote another song. I was making, I was paying the rent. And there was a show that came to town. It was a Broadway musical called Hair. And it just opened in Hollywood. And I went to see it. And I fell in love with it. It's like, I love Broadway musicals anyway. Flower Drum Song and Oklahoma and, you know, Music Man, all that stuff. And this was like a Broadway musical about hippies with rock and roll music. And I just fell in love with it. And there was a character named Burger that stripped down to a loincloth, swung on a rope, screamed rock and roll, and insulted the audience. And I thought, I could do that. So the next day I called the Aquarius Theater. And the receptionist said, Aquarius Theater, may I help you? I said, yeah, I want to be in your show. She said, just a minute. I'll connect you. See, I don't think this can happen today. 1969 was a different world. She connected me to the company manager. And he said, can I help you? I said, I want to be in your show. He said, well, can you sing and dance? I said, that's what I do for a living, man. That's what I do. And I never danced a step in my life. I'd go up on the bandstand watching you dance. Good dancing, bad dancing, how hard could it be? But I was comfortable with my singing. So I said, yeah. And he said, what are you doing Friday at 1 o'clock? I said, you tell me. He said, be here at 1 o'clock. We're having auditions. What's your name? I told him. And he said, bring a piece of sheet music. We got a piano player. Bring a piece of sheet music. We want to hear you sing. OK. So I went right down to the music store. I bought a piece of sheet music that I liked to sing. Went home and practiced it all night long. This was on a Wednesday. Thursday I practiced it. I practiced it again all day. And Friday morning, I got my guitar out. And I'm practicing this song. And I broke a string on my guitar, which hippies were like, oh, bad karma, dude. So I went to my roommate's room to see if he had the string, because he was a guitar player. Right in the middle of his dresser, a little envelope with a D string on it. There it is. Good karma, dude. So I picked it up. Underneath the envelope was a little white capsule. And I thought, I wonder what that is. Nope. We didn't have a PDR. You pretty much had to swallow test everything. And it's a good test. Forget about motor vehicles and heavy machinery and all that stuff. If you eat it, you're going to know exactly what it does. You can pass that information along. And if somebody dies, don't eat the green shit. So this turned out to be THC, synthetic marijuana. And a nice little psychedelic. So 45 minutes later, when I got down to the Aquarius Theater, I went down on my scooter. And I got down there. And I had my music in my right hand. And I turned off the bike. And I put the kickstand down. And it seemed like it took me about three minutes to swing my leg over. Like, all right. I'm feeling very loose. And I sort of floated up the stairs at the Aquarius Theater. And my hair was long over my shoulders at the time. It just swished when I walked. And I had these hip-hugger bell bottoms on. Big bells like that. Big elephant bells. And I had no shirt on. I'm wearing this vest with six layers of foot-long red, white, and blue leather fringe. That was a walking wind chime. And I floated up the stairs and into the lobby and into the auditorium. And I see people are already down there auditioning. And I'm looking at these. And I'm thinking, God damn, these hippies can sing and dance, man. I almost forgot why I was there until somebody said, Doug Rowell, is Doug Rowell here? I said, yep, yep. Went running down the aisle and up on stage. And I handed my music to the piano player. And he opens it up. Big grin. And he starts to play. Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp. I said, oh, good. And I went into this James Brown number. And I thought I was the Godfather of Soul. And I'm down on one knee. And I back up. Oh, what a, oh, dear. I'm into it, you know. And at the end, bomp, bomp, bomp, wow. And he said, this guy that was head of like the Judgers. He goes, man, we love you. We love your energy. Can you do something a little mellower just so we kind of get a range? And I said, no problem. I went into this a cappella version of Otis Redding's Dock of the Bay. And the piano player knew the tune, so he just picked it up. And we were right in the pocket. Looks like nothing's gonna change. I made myself cry. And everything still remains the same. And I finished up. And they said, great, man. We love you. We love you. We just got to see you dance. Yeah, but by now, I'm OK, you know. I never dance, but let's give it a shot. So I said to the piano player, hit it. And I started to move. And I suspect initially. I probably look like the offspring of Joe Cocker and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. You know, just sort of a. But it got good to me. And I'm feeling it. I'm seeing my hair is coming around. I'm seeing trails off of my hair. And I'm seeing trails off this fringe. And I'm in this tornado of trails. And I heard somebody say, Jesus, can he dance? And Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm seeing dogs doing for me what I could not do for myself. And they hired me. They hired me. But I thought I was auditioning for the Hollywood show. They were auditioning for the Las Vegas show. So it was Friday. They said, report to Las Vegas to the International Hotel on Tuesday. Tuesday afternoon. So I said, OK. So I got my fares in order over the weekend. Ate a tab of orange sunshine. Got on my Harley and headed out to make my fame and fortune. I got to Las Vegas. And I got in the company. It took about three days to learn the show. And then I was doing the show for a while with the company. And then they gave me the understudy role of this character, Burger. And so about two times a week, I would play this character, Burger. And then when we left Las Vegas after six months, they gave me the lead role, Burger. The obnoxious, sex-crazed leader of the tribe. For, you know, Speed Freak. And I was like, OK. It's a stretch, but I can do it. And we toured the United States and Canada for three and a half years. You know, played all over the United States and Canada. And we'd do two weeks here in a week, three weeks, whatever. And people would come up on the stage. We'd invite people up on the stage afterwards. You know, come up and dance with us. They'd come up. And somebody would say, hey, man, we own this bar down the street. And we're going to close it tonight and just have you guys over. Come on over and just be our friends and you. And drinks are on the house. And we go over and we just drink all night for free. And the gay bars loved us. They would always do that. And then somebody would say, hey, man, you like pot? Here, Sense of Me and Maui Waui, Panama Red, Acapulco Gold give us all this great dope. Because we could sing and dance, you know. And you like Acid? Here, Osley, Purple Haze, Orange Sunshine, Windowpane. And then I got a witness. Some girl would go, oh, my God, I love you. Take me. I'd go, OK. You know what? So. So sex, drugs, and rock and roll. And travel around the country getting paid for it. It was a good job, really. But I looked back at it from my newfound sobriety. And I realized how they had used me. You don't realize how you're being victimized when you're right in the middle of it, you know. But looking back, I just wanted to sing and dance and make people happy. And maybe a drug addict and an alcoholic. I called my sponsor and told him. I said, I found out my deeper underlying cause and condition. He said, oh, let's hear that. Hair. He said, well, will we have to cut your hair to keep you sober? Not my hair. The show. Remember, I told you I was a big star. I traveled around the country. He said, oh, I forgot about the big star deal. Yeah, because, you know, because you're drunk now. But I thought you were loaded when you auditioned for that show. Yeah, I told him too much. And I said, yeah. And he said, I'm going to go out on a limb and figure you had a problem before you ever got in that show. So, OK. I get it. Then I don't know what my deeper underlying cause and condition is. He said, don't worry about it. I don't know what mine is. But I started to do the things that were suggested around here to do. And it's made my life happier and happier. Carla and I got together about six years ago. We knew each other for 10 or 12 years before that in L.A., in A.A. And we liked and respected each other. But we had to go to Arizona to start talking and getting serious. And on a plane ride back from Phoenix, I asked her on a date. I said, you want to go see a play with me? And she said, yeah. So we've been playing ever since. And we have a great life, you know. Bill was at our wedding at our home. And we had about 200 family and A.A. friends there. And we just have this wonderful, beautiful life now. If you're new and you're wondering, what is this moron talking about the music of A.A.? I think it's the laughter. When you're sick unto death and dying and feeling like we'll never laugh again. And after a while you hear somebody laughing and you realize it's you. And we start to laugh. And we laugh ourselves weller than we were before we got sick. What an incredible deal. The treatment, the treatment for a terminal illness which would kill us otherwise is to come in and hang out with a bunch of your friends, take these 12 suggested steps, and laugh yourself weller than we were before we got sick. It's an incredible gift. And yet there are people in this room and people in rooms like this all over the world who will say, no thanks, I'd rather get loaded. And we understand that. We get it. But if you're new, you don't have to be that one. You can be the one that gets a sponsor and does all the stupid stuff they tell you to do, even if it's just to prove it won't work. And watch your life turn golden. In front of your eyes. If you don't drink for a year, we'll give you a cake. Thanks for letting me share.