Willingness Is Doing the Stupid Suggestion Before You Believe It’s Not Stupid – John C.

My name is John Corey. I'm an alcoholic. My home group is the Fit Tradition Group here in Atlanta.
My sobriety date is September 24th, 2012. I have a sponsor. I sponsor a handful of guys.
Those are the things that I was told to always say when I do this, introducing yourself here.
I'm like, dude, say that, at least, you know. I want to read something, too.
I was sitting on my back porch with a guy, reading the book, and I underlined this.
It's from There's a Solution. It says,
You may have already asked yourself why it is that all of us became so very ill from drinking.
Doubtless, you're curious to discover how and why, in the face of expert opinion to the contrary,
we have recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body.
If you're an alcoholic who wants to get over it,
you may already be doing it.
You may be asking, what do I have to do?
It's the purpose of this book to answer such questions specifically.
We shall tell you what we have done.
And they introduced the book that way.
I grew up here in Georgia. I drank the first time, like, maybe I was a teenager.
Actually, before I drank, I used LSD and weed because I was a teenager.
Teenagers didn't have access to alcohol.
Not at my house, anyway. There wasn't liquor at my house.
I didn't know where to get that.
But this guy in my biology class had LSD and he sold me a hit for $4.
That was, like, a really good value.
I was 15 years old, I guess, and rode the school bus home, like, tripping.
And then stood in my yard all afternoon, like, feeling things and thinking things
I had never felt and thought before.
And that doesn't have anything to do with alcohol, does it, really, I guess.
Except it was, like, the first time that I had ever had, like, an altered state of mind or whatever.
And I knew that, like, this is it.
This is what I should be doing, like, all the time.
I think the next day I called that guy and asked him to, like, deliver more.
And I found, like, $8 or something.
And my mom heard me.
It was back when the phones had wires on them.
And you could pick up the one in the other room and hear everything that was being said.
And my mom did and heard this conversation and kind of flipped out.
And I wound up in rehab that night.
Yeah.
And did not belong there.
But the more you try to persuade the people in rehab that you don't belong there, the deeper in they dig.
Like, this is where you're supposed to be.
Like, they won't let you out.
And so I'm, like, 15 years old.
I've done acid one time.
And I'm in rehab on the alcoholics and drug addiction ward going to AA meetings with a big book and with these, like, these very well-meaning counselors persuading me that I have drug addiction and alcoholism.
Right?
Like, this is stupid.
But this is my story.
I mean, this is what happened.
And it was there that I discovered Alcoholics Anonymous.
And didn't believe it.
Didn't belong in Alcoholics Anonymous at all.
I didn't qualify.
There was no reason for me to be there.
But I found it.
And I found the big book.
And I found, like, the fellowship and the people.
And the thing that you have found here that you probably think is, like, special and different and kind of magic sometimes, maybe.
I discovered that.
And I, like, saw it.
That was clear.
Right?
Like, there's something about this place that's, like, good.
And so I think I got out of that place and maybe for a couple of months went to the meetings.
And, like, the aftercare thing.
And tried to, like, comply with the plan or whatever.
Because that was how I would get a driver's license and a car and new shoes and be able to, like, have my privileges and freedoms as a teenager or whatever.
So I tried to get along with this stuff.
But, I mean, I don't know.
I have come to believe you're not getting sober if you don't think that you need to get sober.
And I definitely did not think that I needed to get sober.
And I drank again.
And when I did, I drank alcohol.
Like, someone by that point.
Like, someone by that point gave me some beers.
And I discovered, like, what it is about alcohol.
Like, up to that point, I thought it was for losers.
And the drugs were for the cool people.
And that's what I'm going to do.
But a three-beer buzz, like, changed my mind about that.
And I grew up in a college town in Athens.
And had the benefit of, like, a lot of freedom and independence as a teenager.
And older, probably kind of creepy by today's standards.
People who were, like, who took an interest in me.
And wanted me, like, at the party.
And at the club.
And at the dance.
And at the band.
And at the stuff that we did.
And, like, I hung out with them as a 16-year-old.
Like, this impossibly little, like, young-faced kid.
Drinking and getting high.
And after, I don't know, maybe a couple of years of that, it was very apparent to everybody.
Like, I do this differently than most of the people.
I'm kind of problematic.
And, like, I go a little hard.
And I kind of do it to the exclusion of the other things.
And, like, don't really...
I'm not here for the party.
I'm here for the kid.
Y'all have your party.
But, like, I'm drinking.
And it's...
I don't know.
I kind of, like...
It becomes...
It's apparent, right?
And I don't care really about, like, anybody else or anything.
And make very stupid, impulsive decisions.
And say things.
And repeat things.
And, like, I don't think people are supposed to hold in confidence and, like, backstab the wrong people or any people or whatever.
I don't think there's any right people to backstab.
But, like, I was just kind of, like, not a good person.
And pretty self-centered and opportunistic.
And, like, how am I going to get where I need to go and what I need to have?
And, like, that was...
And in a small town like Athens, you kind of burn some bridges.
And there aren't...
You run out of people.
And I did.
Um, there was an arrest warrant too.
And anyway, I moved to New Orleans and, uh, and, and in New Orleans, there's more people
and, and I didn't even need a fake ID.
Like you could drink in New Orleans.
Like nobody cares literally.
Um, and, and so I did, I like, I drank in New Orleans and after some months, um, my,
I had, I was dating this woman and her brother arrived on a motorcycle that he had like assembled
himself or something in San Diego the week before.
And he was on his way to, to the international conference of young people in AA here in Atlanta,
like 1994 or five or something like that.
I don't know.
Maybe someone here remembers what year that was.
But anyway, it was, he was on his way to that thing, stopped in New Orleans to see his sister,
takes one look at me and is like, Oh my God, I know exactly what you need.
And, and takes me to an AA meeting.
And so it's like five years later, maybe something like that.
And,
and here I am back at an AA meeting and it's familiar and I've been here before and I know
what this is and God, it's probably time.
Like I could probably use this.
Like I've been working nights in the French quarter at this diner and then getting off
work at 7am counting my tips and going two doors down to the sports bar and sitting there
just drinking until like 2pm and then going home and collapsing and doing it again the
next night.
And that's my life.
And, um, probably a good thing I worked nights.
I think I would have gotten myself killed.
If I had like nights off in the French quarter when I moved here, but, um, thankfully that
worked out.
Uh, it's, and it's kind of time at that point.
Like, it's pretty clear to me, you're messed up.
Like your, your relationship with alcohol and drugs is not normal and it's taking you
down.
Um, and I, I get it.
I get it.
And so off to AA I go and, and, um, and like, I got a book and I remember going to meetings
in the French quarter, but soon after that, um,
I got my Mardi Gras bonus.
I've got all this money and I bought a ticket to Maui because, uh, Shaylin, the guy that
had helped me, he was, he'd been, he'd lived in Hawaii and he was like, kind of, I don't
know, like, but I, I, I moved to Maui.
I moved to Maui and I went to Shaylin's home group and I found Shaylin's sponsor and I
wanted to be like Shaylin and I went and did like the Shaylin things and like, um, I got
a tan and I started like swimming and surfing.
I went to this home group in Kihei and there was like a banana tree.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I was in the yard at the home group and, and they said, uh, like, what did they say?
Like, everybody can pray, but from Maui, it's, it's like, it's a local call, right?
Like, that was one of the things that we said.
And there was this guy in my home group named Radiant Ron and he literally was, he like
had a halo and, and, um, um, I don't know.
Like, I, I remember trying to follow some directions and, and like being very enthusiastic
about AA and, and there's all these young people who are like doing young people in
AA.
And there's parties and like, we stay up late and we go to each other's houses and go to
lots of meetings.
And I'm, I'm sure that I did something like the steps.
I remember sitting in my sponsor's car and reading, um, reading an inventory.
And I remember mailing money to people back in Athens and, and, and making amends, um,
and like writing letters to my parents who hadn't talked to me in a couple of years or
whatever, and, um, trying to put things back together.
And, and I made some effort, you know, and, uh, and, and I got a job.
And I held a job for a year and I had never held a job for a year before that.
Um, I don't know if I've ever had a job for more than like six weeks before that, but
I like, I had a job and I'm like, kind of killing it, you know, like this is the best
life I've ever lived and, and check it out.
This is good.
Surfing every day.
Uh, and, and then I got a part-time job that would let me, like, there was this club.
It was kind of like MABA, but in Hawaii, um, way better, like there were palm trees
and everything.
And like no windows, it was all open air, but it's where all the meetings were in Lahaina.
It's called the Alano Club.
And, and I got a job as the, the resident manager there.
And what that meant was that I got free rent in this little, like, cabin on the back of
the property, right?
I got to live in this little, um, it was like a fast roof, like literally like palm fronds
on the roof.
Um, but free rent on Maui is a big deal, right?
Like I'm like, I'm doing good now.
And, uh, and I like, I sell the snapples and I take up the money and like make the coffee
and put everything away.
And I've got the key to the literature cabinet and I lock the doors at the end of the night
and basically like run the place for what running it needs.
I mean, it doesn't, it's a pretty like low level job, but it's mine and I do it.
And, um, and, and after a while it starts to like kind of occur to me.
And in fact, the last times that I
did the full work out is when I moved to signing on was when I just kind of lost track.
So, about a week later, again, I took aoka centres in place and it's a very big deal.
laughter of your recognition that these are not safe thoughts for an alcoholic to have like
no matter how messed up you are you probably recognize these aren't good thoughts
so what happens next in my story is I drink which is probably not surprising to you
that'll probably happen to me again if I like think like that or any of us really and this
guy that I knew I'd moved I moved was what happened I moved to the other side of the island
because I didn't have a car and in the winter the surf is on the north shore and it's big waves and
I wanted to surf big waves on the north shore and to be within biking distance of big waves on the
north shore I had to move to the other side of the island so I did it astonishes me today like
being sponsored and having sponsees that I would move and not talk to my sponsor about it and get
some input about that like it's that's crazy but that's exactly what I did it's like I'm I want to
move so I'm moving and I did and
there wasn't really a a where I moved to there were a couple of meetings in the week but they
were at night and I had a bike and like after riding my bicycle up the hill in the rain in the
dark like two times or whatever I don't get killed man I'm not doing this again and met these people
at this church thing and and one of them offered me a beer it was his birthday and he had a six
pack of these like craft beers when craft beers were like a new thing and he offered me one and
I just drank it
and if charlie can drink a beer like we went to church this morning and he knows god and I'm trying
to do this like god thing that I learned in AA and dude if he can drink a beer uh jesus be with us
you know like I can too and I did and it was fine I think I had two beers and I barely even got
buzzed and I went home and um that might have been the worst thing that could have happened
because two nights later same thing no big deal and somehow within
like not very long like maybe three or four months I'm drinking the way that I the only way that I
know how to drink which is where it just eclipses everything else in my life I don't do anything
else except what is what is absolutely required of me to stay drunk every day like a job something
to keep enough money coming in that I can buy alcohol every day and like and just do that like
big the daily cycle um and it didn't take long for it to get like that and everything shrinks and now
I'm not surfing big waves I'm nowhere short I'm like drunk in my room um racing home from work
every afternoon to get to the Mexican restaurant on the corner to drink dollar margaritas at happy
hour because that's the cheapest drunk that you could get in the town where I live and so that's
what I did and this goes on for some years and um a lady found me in that condition and um was
attracted enough to me to kind of initiate this relationship that eventually led to a marriage
and that kind of eventually led to me being in a situation where I sort of realized I need to get
sober again like I tend to get sober in these crises in my life and like there was one there
where um I I've said some things that uh would basically it was gonna like jeopardize my marriage
and I'd be out on the street and I didn't want that so um so off I went to AA again some years
later I'm like 25 or seven by now third third trip to I don't know I don't know I don't know
alcoholics anonymous and and by now I know what to do I've done this before you go in and you sit
down and you ask if there's some ashtrays that can be cleaned and you raise your hand when they
need to volunteer to make the coffee and smoke cigarettes in the parking lot and make friends
with the people who don't look like they're taking this too seriously or whatever and like
and then come again next next on Wednesday and come on Friday and be a good attender of the AA
and you won't drink that's my take on all of this like just do it you know what to do
so I did um and I didn't drink and I went to AA and I didn't drink and like um so there's
maybe a handful of people in that group that talk about sponsorship and talk about like
the steps but mostly it's people who talk about what's going on with them and like
just checking in here's my feelings dumped for the day and um not really like the principles
of the AA and I didn't drink and I didn't drink and I went to AA and I didn't drink and I didn't
like it's not the main theme at this meeting I go to it's kind of like a collection of people who
don't want to get drunk and who come to AA meetings together and like I can do that um
the idea of sponsorship was really offensive to me like there's no way I'm inviting
one of you to come inspect my life and like look at my marriage with me there's like no way like
that's not that's awesome and it's like we're not talking about anything going on and um this guy
But New Shalen showed up at my meeting one time, and he and I, we had surfed together or something and knew each other.
And he was one of those, like, take-it-too-seriously AA guys who just, like, has been changed, right?
Who has this, like, spiritual existence.
And I was kind of scared of him.
And he sat next to me, and he was all enthusiastic and happy and looked at me and was like, dude, good to see you.
How are you doing?
How's it going?
And I was like, dude, stop.
Like, don't look at me like that.
I didn't like it.
I'm like, I'm fine.
Like, really, I'm fine, man.
I'm fine.
And I remained fine for a few years.
I did not drink and just was fine.
And avoided any kind of, like, thing that would happen here that would kind of really challenge, like, anything about, like, my life or how I'm living it or what I'm doing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I was like, dude, you think this isn't sounding good.
It was not.
I knew something was wrong, and, like, I needed repairing somehow.
And so I figured a career would fix that and, like, kind of shifted some things around to get some career training so that I could, like, have a career.
And then I'll have some dignity, and then I'll be okay.
And, like, then guys like that would freak me out when they come and ask me how I'm doing.
And it'll be, that's what I needed.
So I did that.
and wound up, like, really kind of bad off.
The career I chose was, like, what I wanted to be from the time I was a little boy.
I went to flight school and flew airplanes and, like, got to be a pilot
and worked very hard at that for several years,
but then got to a place where it didn't really take up a lot of work.
And, like, I had arrived, right?
And I was, like, I have my airline job, and I'm, like, spending my life.
This is so bad.
Like, on planes at 40,000 feet, like, looking at the little ant people down there
with four people in the plane that I'm on this trip with for five days,
and we don't know each other and we don't like each other,
but we're going to, like, wake up and work together all day on this tiny little airplane
and be the only people that we speak to for the next five days that we know.
Everybody else will be, like, the person taking my order for food at the restaurant
or the person working at the hotel or whatever.
And I'm, like, after a couple.
A couple of months of this, I'm crazy.
Like, I'm completely crazy.
I'm, like, drunk at night on my trips,
dutying in to fly this airplane, like, half drunk the next day,
completely isolated from everybody in the world, like, utterly alone.
I come home from trips.
No one knows me at home.
I'm a stranger to my family.
I've got children by now, and, like, no one knows me.
They don't like it when I come home because I come home tired and in a bad mood.
I'm there long enough to iron shirts and read mail,
and then it's time to leave again and go fly for five days.
I'm, like, this anonymous ghost out in the world.
There's no one.
I know nobody.
It was very, it was not good.
Like, even for a non-alcoholic, it probably would have been difficult.
But you had, like, alcoholism and crazy me on top of, like, that situation.
And I was, like, my mental health was not good at all, man.
It was bad.
And I did that for a while and then got, like, every time I came home,
my wife would be furious.
And I don't feel like I can really drink.
I can't drink the way I want to at home because she's, like, always uptight about, like, me drinking.
And after a while, it was, like, the tension of trying to turn trips where I'm responsible for flying the airplane
into my drinking trips and keep it together enough to, like, not get arrested by the FAA or whatever.
It was, like, it was just too crazy.
And, like, it was just too much.
And so I took a leap of absence and moved.
I moved everybody to Santa Fe, New Mexico, where my wife had grown up.
And I thought, you'll be fine.
Like, that's where you just need to go there and be fine.
Like, you'll be with your people and your family and you can be fine.
And then I'll be able to drink and smoke weed and I'll be fine and everybody will be fine.
And it was fine for about six months.
And then she left with the kids.
And I went to the bar.
I don't know.
That was how I moved to Atlanta.
She had brought the kids to Georgia.
And so maybe that's why.
Maybe six months later or whatever, four months.
I followed to Georgia.
They don't have medicinal weed in Georgia like they had in Santa Fe that I was accustomed to.
But everybody's got cocaine at the bar that I'm going to.
And I hadn't seen that since, like, the 90s.
And start, like, doing a bunch of cocaine.
And I'm pretty clear that, like, I have alcoholism.
I do not have drug addiction.
I don't identify as a cocaine addict.
I identify.
I identify very strongly as an alcoholic.
I drink my brains out.
I like cocaine because when I take it, it lets me, like, drink for probably, like, another 12 hours more than I would if I didn't have the cocaine.
And I really love that.
Another thing about it is it will ruin your life really fast.
And it did mine.
After about six months of that, I'm back, like, in that, oh, no, crisis mode again.
What am I going to do?
And you can probably guess by now.
Back to AA I go.
Because it's, like, time for the.
The decade appearance of John at an AA meeting, which happens, like, every decade.
So I found this meeting in Decatur because it's near my house.
I go to this meeting, and it's kind of a sad sack AA meeting where there's, like, just sort of a lack of enthusiasm for AA is how I would describe it.
And there's this particular guy who greets me.
He's, like, the only guy at this meeting who talks to me.
It's kind of weird.
He knew, and nobody would talk to you, but that's this group.
But there's this one guy that talks to me, and he comes up kind of, like, limping up to me and asks me if I'm hanging in there.
And, like, every time I see him, he's, like, well, are you hanging in there?
And I can tell that he has been hanging in there for, like, 30 years or something.
And the thought of hanging in there for 30 years makes me want to hang myself, literally.
If I'm not.
I'm, like, oh, God.
Like, really?
Like, that's what it is?
I mean, I haven't hung in there very well in the past.
But, like, if that's what this is going to be, like, dude, I don't know, man.
I don't, I don't.
This needs to be something more than that for me to want to do it.
And so there's this other, like, rock and roll guy.
He had, like, long hair and a headband.
And to me, that seemed spiritual.
It's, like, stupid, but that's what I thought.
Like, David Carrington in Kung Fu or something.
And so I asked him.
I was, like, hey, where's, like, the...
Where's the good AA meeting?
Like, where's the one where they, like, you know, there's some enthusiasm and, like, happiness
about being sober and, like, the spiritual people.
Like, where should I go?
And he told me about the Fit Tradition group and said, you should go there.
They got a book study on Thursday.
You would probably like it.
Why don't you go there?
So I did.
And I did like it because it was big and there was, like, there were a lot of people there
who seemed...
Happy and sorted out is how I would describe it.
Like, lots of people who just were, like, put together and sorted out and not all broke
down like me, like, was what I perceived from this just looking at them and judging them
across the room.
Like, that's what it looks like.
They're smiling.
They're talking about, like...
Oh, my God.
They were talking about the Vegas trip they were going to take together, like, as a group
or whatever.
We're going to Vegas to an AA conference.
And I'm, like, God, what a bunch of losers there are.
But at the same time, like, y'all are, like, really into it.
Like, I haven't been to Vegas with anybody.
Like, nobody's wanted to go to Vegas with me.
And you all have, like, friends.
And there's something about it.
It's, like, really appealing.
And it looks like help.
Like, it looks like this could help me was kind of a thought that I had.
I'm not going to let it, but it looks like it could.
Really, like, that was about it.
Because my next thought is, like...
Literally, screw these people.
They think they're better than everybody.
God.
Whatever.
So...
But I kind of kept it in my back pocket.
And maybe, like, came sometimes, but not really.
And then I got mad that, like, they went to pizza.
And I went to pizza.
They're always talking about going to pizza after the meeting.
And so I went.
And, like, all the seats are safe.
And there's nowhere for me to sit.
And, like, I was mad about that.
And, like, yeah.
Screw them.
We've been coming back here.
It's people.
They don't even...
And I don't remember what I did.
I, like, went to some other meeting or kind of...
I was in love with this woman.
And, like, that was really primary...
That was my primary purpose was, like, trying to have this relationship with my married girlfriend.
And if I could just get her off her husband, like...
And...
So, yeah, I was messed up.
I mean, like, I was not well.
But that was...
That was kind of my focus.
And then at some point, like, it just occurred to me.
I don't even know how, but it just occurred to me.
You are going to drink again if it stays like this.
Like, period.
If you do...
If you keep doing what you're doing, you will be drunk again.
And if you're lucky, it'll be soon.
But you're not lucky.
You tend to drag this out.
You'll be fine for another five years.
Then you'll drink.
Then you'll burn it down.
Another decade will have gone by.
And where will you be then?
Like, how many times are you going to do this, dude?
Like, what...
And what is it going to take?
And I got scared.
Because I knew that I was right.
Like, I knew that that was the truth.
And it scared me.
And I was, like, 40 years old.
And kind of looking at the second half of life.
And just, like, thinking, like, it's true.
Like, this is never going to stop.
And it's not ever going to be different.
It's been the same thing, like, four times.
Four decades.
Here I am.
It doesn't change.
Like, you're just going to keep doing it.
Like, something has to be different if this is going to be different.
Like, what are you going to do?
And that Saturday, I went back to the fifth tradition group, of course.
And found, like, the dopiest, most enthusiastic, like, happiest of the whole bunch of them.
And basically told this to them.
And asked them if he would help me.
And he said, yeah, totally, I'll help you.
He seemed like the kind of guy that helps all kinds of people.
And so he starts basically giving me directions.
And it's, like, all the things that I knew.
And I knew sponsorship had to be that I didn't want, like, all those years, decades or whatever.
And I'm like, we're not even, we're barely done, like, introducing ourselves before he starts telling me what to do.
And I was really, like, not into it.
Just chafed against, like, anyone trying to tell me what to do.
It was like, let's go back to where, like, you listen to me bellyache about my problems.
Like, that's what I'm looking for.
Like, that's what I want.
And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
We can do that later.
Like, here's what I want you to do.
And he starts, like, giving me directions.
And I, like, I thought about it.
And I, like, didn't want to take the directions.
But I also didn't want to drink again.
And I wanted to, like, be able to come back next week and see him and report that I'm, like, kind of on the right side of this thing.
I haven't, like, totally snubbed you and, like, ignored everything, right?
Like, I just, I want my foot in this door.
I'm so bad that, okay, I'll call that guy whose number you gave me if that's what it takes to, like, keep my foot in the door here if I'm.
And so I called James.
James was going through a breakup.
Poor James.
And he was, like, whiny and self-pitying and not anything like me.
And, like, I didn't enjoy talking to James.
And every time I called James, he, like, complained about, like, his.
Life or whatever.
And, and, but I'm following the directions.
And it's kind of, like, it kind of becomes this, this, wow, I'm, like, doing something.
Look what I'm, I'm, like, I'm self-sacrificing in a way.
I mean, I've never been this way before.
And I'm, like, listening to this guy, like, and calling him.
And it's kind of, like, something I've never done before.
And he wants me to, the sponsor wants me to go to the home group, like, every time we meet.
I'm, like, wait, every time?
It's, like, two days a week.
I mean, like.
I'll come on Thursday most of the time.
But if my girlfriend doesn't have her kids that Thursday, I'm not giving up that time to come here.
So most Thursdays I'll come, I guess.
But, like, Saturdays, my kids come visit me on Saturdays.
And I'm not, I can't, I've got to be dad.
He's, like, you can come on Thursdays and we've got babysitting on Saturdays.
You can bring your kids.
I'm, like, that's crazy.
I can't, like, bring my kids.
He said, bring your kids.
I'll see you Saturday.
I'm, like, oh, my God.
So that weekend.
I've got my kids.
Me, the four of us go to, I've got three daughters.
The four of us go to the AA meeting.
And they have babysitting.
And I'm, like, I can't believe I'm doing this.
Like, I'm bringing my kids to an AA meeting.
Like, this is crazy.
I'm just going to, like, drop them off here with whoever they have, like, in this room.
And I go down to the little babysitting room.
And there's all these kids, just like my kids.
And one of the ladies from our group is in there with all the kids.
And there's, like, boys and stuff.
And it's fine.
And it's, like, okay, well, I guess so.
And, like, leave the kids with the lady and go upstairs to the meeting.
And I'm sure that this is a bad idea.
And, but I'm going to prove, I'm going to prove it, right?
Like, we'll do it this one time so that we can prove that this is stupid.
And then we won't have to do it again.
And I come back after the meeting.
And my kids come, like, running out of the room saying, can we come back next week?
And it's, like, what?
You're not.
This isn't.
And they loved it.
And they don't anymore.
But, like, they're 15 now.
But for a while they did.
And it was for the right while, too.
It was for the first, like, seven years.
My kids came with me every Saturday that they were here, which was most Saturdays.
And my kids grew up in that meeting.
And that we had babysitting made me able to come.
And, like, and I was wrong about it being crazy and it being stupid.
And, like, I don't think I pieced together that I was wrong about it.
But it's clear to me now that I was wrong about it.
Soon there's, like, more that has to be done.
And, like, you're going to meet me.
You're going to meet me at Starbucks on Tuesdays.
And we'll read the book together.
And I'm, like, deeply offended at this.
I've been reading since I'm three years old.
I do not need to read a book with you.
How about I read the book?
And then I'll talk to you about it after I, like, read the book.
And he's, like, just laughing at me by now.
Because literally everything this man says offers me for help.
I, like, argue with and try to qualify and turn into somebody else and better deal him.
Like, how about we do this instead?
I don't know anything about getting sober.
Staying sober or helping someone get sober at all.
I have zero experience with any of this except failing at it.
And he's been sober for 30 years and has done this with hundreds of men.
And I want to fight with everything.
This didn't occur to me then.
I only see this looking back.
But looking back, I can't believe what an idiot I was.
But at the time, I felt smarter than everybody in the room.
And it's kind of funny like that.
I think that's not uncommon for alcoholics.
So, soon we're doing, like, we're meeting and we're reading the book.
And he wants me to go to the auto parts store off Memorial Drive and pick up Travis, who's not even sober,
and drive him to the Starbucks to read the book together.
And I got to listen to drunk Travis in my car.
And he, like, every time he closes the door to my car, he puts his hand all over the window.
And there's, like, Travis fingerprints all over the glass, like, every time.
And he's not even sober.
But he gets as much of my sponsor's time.
As I get.
And I'm like, it's just not fair.
And I don't drink.
And my foot is a little bit further in the door of AA and of my home group.
And a little bit more.
And a little bit more.
And things start to change in my life.
And the girlfriend needs some time and some space again.
And it's always needing some time and some space.
And this time she needed some time and some space.
And I said, why don't you take it?
I said, why don't you take all the time and space that you need?
And I think this is probably not good for either of us.
Like, goodbye.
And kind of, like, end what was a pretty toxic and ungood relationship.
The kind of relationship that a guy who really needs to get sober gets in.
Instead of getting sober.
It was that kind of relationship.
And it ended.
And it was fine.
And, like, four months before, if you'd have told me, like, that relationship would end,
I would have, like, killed myself.
And four months later, it ended.
And it was, like, the best thing that could have happened.
And I was just like, oh, my God.
Thank God that's over so that I can go to Peach for Tuesday night
and not be, like, having to race back after the thing.
Like, I've got, like, time to do all the things that I'm doing now.
And, like, it was great.
And then, but the stupid suggestions didn't stop.
Like, soon I'm being, like, forced to go to the Atlanta Roundup,
which is this, like, weekend-long AA pep rally.
And why do I need extra credit?
I mean, doing all the things already.
Like, this is so dumb.
And I went to that anyway and wound up having a really great time.
And that was the moment where, like, it really hit me.
On Sunday, I think I said something like, this is the best weekend I have ever had.
I was so happy.
I met some friends, and we hung out and, like, smoked and went to the meetings.
And, like, I've got friends.
And I haven't had friends in a really, really long time.
I'm the guy that has to be told.
Don't ever come here again.
And have heard that, like, at a lot of the places that I've tried to have friends.
And I have friends.
And it's, like, the best thing ever.
And I'm so happy that I came to this Atlanta Roundup.
And I remembered how, on Thursday, I was absolutely determined to get out of this
and knew that it was some bullshit.
I shouldn't have to come to this stupid thing.
And I was absolutely certain about that.
Only four days before.
And now, here I am, like, reflecting on this week.
The best weekend I've ever had.
Dude, you were wrong.
And I don't think, until that moment, I don't think I had ever been wrong about anything in my life.
Ever.
And it was clear that I was wrong, but I was sure.
And something about that was mind-blowing.
And it was like, what else are you sure about right now that you're completely wrong about?
I bet there's something.
Like, what are you...
Because I was sure about a lot of things.
I knew many, many things to be absolutely true.
About myself and about you, about my parents, about life, about God.
And it broke me down.
It was like, maybe you don't know anything about anything.
And maybe you're wrong.
Maybe all the things that you're sure about, you're wrong about.
And why don't you just relax and let things be what they are
and start following the directions you're given without the certainty that it's bullshit.
Okay.
What if I've had good results?
Up to the next point, so I guess so.
And then the very next suggestion is just dumb.
And it's the suggestion that I should go get on the committee to take the meeting to the jail
and be the AA guy at the jail.
And now this is going to be...
Like, I'm going to do this.
And this idea is like the stupidest one I've ever heard.
Like, I don't think I'm the guy to go talk to anyone in jail about AA.
I mean, like, I'm really...
I'm really not a criminal.
I'm not.
I'm like a dad.
And like, this is stupid.
Like, get somebody who's like some baller gangbanger kind of person to do this.
Like, I don't...
That's not me.
And...
But I remembered, like, don't fight.
Just go.
Just do it anyway.
And my sponsor's laughing at this point.
He goes, it is stupid, but just go do it.
Like, on Wednesdays is when you go and, like, get your jail badge to go and show up and, like, pay your $9.
And get your picture taken.
Just do it.
And by then, I'm like, just do it.
And I went.
And I started going to the jail every six weeks or something.
It's my turn to go with one of the guys from my group.
And we go to the jail.
And we have the meeting.
And it's always the same.
It's like this room full of people in a circle in the jail, like, acting like they're interested in this or whatever.
Like, people in jail are really manipulative.
And we go.
And we, like, have the meeting.
And one of us talks.
And one of us chairs the meeting.
And over the course of some months, I've been to the jail with, like, I don't know, eight guys in my group.
And it's not just eight guys in my group.
It's the kind of eight guys in my group that are the kind that go to jail.
It's the guys in my group that sort of take this seriously and are, like, trying to be sober.
And we're now, like, going to the jail together and waiting at the metal detector and waiting for the jail.
It's a big deal.
It sucks.
It's like you wait for every door.
And it takes forever.
And to go have an hour meeting takes, like, three hours.
And it's dirty and loud.
And, like, it's not cool at all.
And we're doing this together.
And I don't think I ever helped anybody at the jail.
But I had, like, something like the respect of my peers because I was one of the men that was doing the jail thing.
And a few were.
There was only, like, nine or ten of them.
And I'm, like, one of the nine or ten out of this room full of people who was doing that.
And, like, Trey has some respect for me.
And Robert Bell has some respect for me.
Nobody has ever had respect for me before in my life up to that point.
Not that I've felt or perceived.
And I realize that this is true.
It's a mutual thing.
Like, I respect you, too.
Like, we're doing this thing together.
And it's not easy.
And it's kind of badass.
And this is a brand-new thing for me.
And that Alcoholics Anonymous gave me that I would have ducked and sidestepped and avoided if I could have found a way.
I would have, like, I would have gotten out from under that if I could have.
And I didn't.
And because I didn't, I wound up with this thing that, like, that I don't know if there's a way to get it otherwise.
And it was the thing that I had been starving for all of my life and, like, not had.
God, it makes me always want to cry thinking about it, how crazy it is.
But, like, it really.
It really tells the story of I do not know what I need at all.
And I'm sure that I do.
And I spend my life trying to, like, put things together in a way so that life will be acceptable to me.
I know exactly what it's going to take.
The career that I need.
The house I need to live in.
The car that I need to drive.
The activities that I need to do.
The proper ratio of work to outdoor recreation.
And, like, food.
How much I need to drink.
But not too much.
Like, what I need to drink.
And if I can just piece it all together, I'll be good.
And I've never been good.
Like, I've never, ever been good.
I've always been miserable.
And I've been sure that it's because you haven't found the right balance of the things.
And if you just, when you find the right balance, you'll be okay.
And I've been telling myself this for 40 years.
And there's no balance.
Like, there's no balance.
There's just, like, too much of everything.
And I'm miserable.
And finally, like, I start to kind of grow.
I ask that, like, you don't know what you need.
Quit struggling to put together what you need.
And quit trying to find the balance.
And just shut up and get on board and follow the directions.
And do what you're told.
And it's staggering.
And it's an offensive idea.
God, even when I say those words, it sounds horrible.
It was the recipe to, like, happiness and satisfaction and contentment.
And, like, being okay.
I got okay.
I was okay.
In my okayness, I met this woman at my group who, like, was put together and, like, kind of sorted out.
And we started talking and did not, like, immediately jump in bed together.
We waited, like, several months or whatever.
And had some, like, we waited until the people around us who loved us said, you have our support.
And then we, like, had a romantic relationship.
We eventually bought a house and got married.
And, um, and...
She is...
I have a wonderful wife and a wonderful marriage.
It's absolutely terrific.
Um, I flubbed this the last time that I told my story.
I said, like, I said, it's not happy, but it's, like, great or something like that.
I miss folk.
And it's because, like, it's because, uh, here lately...
So, my, um, the twins, the kids grew up.
And, like, one of them's in college and the other two are 15.
And they're 15-year-old twin girls.
And they're tall.
And they think that they're 23.
Like, they get, they know everything.
From watching TikTok videos.
And they, like, imagine themselves to basically be, like, models on TikTok.
Right?
They're, like, 10th grader high school girls.
But they think that they're, like, something else.
Um...
Yeah.
Uh, they're not unlike me.
And, um, you can imagine what that looks like.
So, anyway, they kind of, they kind of wore out their welcome at their mom's house.
And wound up needing to come and live with us.
About a year ago, they came and lived with us and upended everything about our lives.
Like, everything changed.
Like, we stay up all night listening to Door Slam now.
And, like, go turn off lights behind people and clean up messes.
And our life did not used to look like that.
We used to, like, go out to restaurants and play with the dog.
Uh, very different now.
Um, it's been a lot of work.
And there's been a lot of sacrifice involved in this transition for everybody.
Um, it's been hard on folks.
And there's been lots of, like, uh, maybe early in the process.
Lots of, like, screaming outbursts from kids.
Saying stuff like,
I hate you and I hate your house.
And, um, and this after I, like, literally just gave you all of my money.
Um, super fun.
Uh, but, but anyway, the, the point, the point to make about all of that is that, like, um, is, is that a lot of these are not the happiest days I've ever had.
Like, it's, some of them are.
And, like, there have been some really wonderful moments in all of it.
But, but a lot of these days are, like, hard.
And you go to bed tired and a little disillusioned and kind of, like, fed up with it all.
And, like, what about me?
Where's mine?
And, like, when am I going to get to just, like, chill?
And, and the, I don't know.
There's something about the, I'm trying to say, about the, the, the purpose and the, the reason of it all.
And, like, being able to look at these kids and, and in the face of, I just want to do whatever.
I just want to do whatever.
I want to get out of my way and let me do it.
To stand there and say, we're not going to do that.
We're going to have some standards.
And there's going to be some boundaries.
And I'm going to keep them.
Melissa's going to help me.
And you're going to hurl ugly things at me with your mouth because I do.
And I'm going to give you all my time and all my money to absorb this bullshit from you.
And this is going to be my life.
But there's a reason for this.
And, like, you're, I, I get to go to bed, like, I get to go brush my teeth and look at myself in the mirror
and know that I'm doing the best that I can as a dad is what, that's, that's what I get for that.
I mean, that's the exchange.
Have no idea if it's going to work.
Don't know what the result's going to be.
Maybe they hate me for the rest of their lives.
Maybe they come to this meeting in ten years and they stand at this podium and talk about, my dad.
Very, it's very possible.
I don't know.
But, but, I was a dirtbag who couldn't.
He couldn't stand himself.
And now I get to look in the mirror when I brush my teeth and know that I'm doing what I'm supposed to do.
I'm doing what God would have me do.
And, like, I'm, I'm serving the purpose that I'm here to serve.
And there, there is nothing that I have done that is as satisfying and fulfilling as that.
It is, it is the, just deeply, deeply satisfying.
In the midst of all of this, recently, I was kind of,
God, there have been some, some weeks where it was, like, really discouraging.
You know, one of the really bad weeks, a couple of weeks ago,
where I felt like I just can't take any more back talk from a 15-year-old kid
telling me that they need, like, to break my rules or whatever.
Like, I don't think I can stand it anymore.
And, and right in that moment, like, this friend of, this sponsee of Melissa's got sick
and needed a place to recuperate from, from being really, really sick.
And, and home wasn't an option.
She didn't have anybody to take care for her, of her at home.
And, and she came and stayed at our house.
And Melissa went to her job at the hospital every day.
And I stayed home because that's where I work.
And, and during the day, like, was caregiver to the recuperating young lady
that's, like, staying in an upstairs bedroom and took her her pill and made her breakfast
and, and did the kind of things that you do for somebody who's sick, you know.
And, and, and the breakfast was, like, it was good.
It was, like, cheese grits and bacon.
It's the same, it's the same thing that I make for my kids that they eat half of
and, like, throw in the trash or just leave on the table or whatever.
And, and she ate the breakfast and acted like it was the best thing that she had ever had.
And, and I would come and bring her her pill.
And she was, like, thank you so much.
And if I could, if, if it's not too much trouble, would you, when you come up here again,
would you bring me some ice water?
And she's, like, polite and thankful and, like, and has this gratitude for this.
And on the third day, it occurred to me.
It occurs to me that, um, that, uh, that I've been, like, busting my ass for these kids
to get nothing but bullshit from them for, like, months.
Feeling like God does not have anything for me except more bullshit behind that.
And kind of abandoned, really, is, like, how it feels.
Like, I know that's not true, but it's kind of how it feels.
And here, in, like, the worst moment of all of it,
he places this lady to eat my breakfast and tell me thank you.
And she's, like, cleaning up her, her crumbs off the place
and had, like, no kids in my house ever do.
And, and appreciative of it all.
And, and I got to see that, like, God found a way to, like, engineer and manufacture, uh,
some, some gratitude for me into my life when I thought that I needed it.
Um, even though I probably didn't and could have just done my job.
But, like, I, it blew me away that, like, this is my God.
My God, like, makes this happen for me when I need it and, like, meets the needs.
And, um...
I don't know.
That's, that's what I have gotten in Alcoholics Anonymous.
If you're here and relate to any of this story,
you probably need help.
Like, honestly.
If my story is relatable to you, you probably need help.
Um, find a sponsor.
Get, get somebody who's enthusiastic about Alcoholics Anonymous to help you.
We'll do it.
Uh, thank you very much for letting me share.
Thank you.