What He Told Dr. S. When He Was Baffled – Joseph M.

Some time ago, not more than a couple of years I guess, I was invited by the international lawyers in AA to speak at their annual dinner. It happened to be up in Philadelphia that year. And they gave me the topic, am I my brother's keeper? And I was intrigued by it. That question, amImybrotherskeeper, occurred right in the beginning of the history of mankind when one brother took the life of another. and it's been asked of many up until today and I think you and I are all acquainted with people who have indeed become their brother's keeper by dedicating their lives by choosing given professions that are people oriented or their time or their talent or their substance to others. Watch men and women who have been completely devoted to their families after the families are grown and married and on their own. Many of them volunteer in hospitals or nursing homes. Isn't it true that when you enter a hospital and you see the ladies in pink or whatever they wear, you know, in most hospitals, the volunteers. They're all older women. They just have been so used to being their brother's keeper, they can't stand being idle when their first obligations are over, and so they volunteer their time. There are those who have chosen professions that others would shy away from. medicine, nursing, law, clergy, parole and probation, social work, prison work. I feel certain that with the talents that some people have they could be making maybe five to ten times the money they're making in any given one of those chosen professions but they choose to be in them because they can contribute to the lives of other people. Watch the response in a time of national tragedy. We just saw it with the Oklahoma bombing. People just immediately rushing those in the various professions that can help damaged and injured people, just rushing to the rescue. Why do people do that? well of course it all goes back to our early education I mean my mother raised me that way I'm sure your parents raised you that way I'm not sure you're trying to raise your kids that way share this, give your friend a ride on your bike on and on don't be selfish share this and so that's part of our background but the basic reason I think we do things for other people is that we get something out of it we get something out of it. It's called self-fulfillment. You know, the very definition of love is to function for the good of others. Now, I do that because I love them, obviously. But many people who choose to become their brother's keeper are choosing to do things for people they don't even know. Why am I functioning for their good? Because I get something from them. out of it. One of our priests is a very, very saintly man, Fr. Jim Morris. And I was talking to him one day in the front office of the old St. Mary's Seminary on Packer Street in Baltimore. And, I don't know how the subject came up, but he spoke to me about doing things from a mixed motive. Everything we do, everything is from a fixed motive. And he used this example. So, you give your mother, let's say, a very fancy $500 sweater for Christmas. And somebody asks you, well, why did you do that? You look at them and astonish me. What do you mean, why Did I Do That? She's my mother and I love her. Well, and that is 96% of your motivation. Pure love for somebody close to you. One who loves you, one whom you love. Why did you give your 10-year-old son that bicycle? He's my boy, he's my flesh and blood, he're my son, and I know he wanted it, so I give it to him. I love him. Now there are other motives. Aren't you sending two kids through college? Well, yes. Wasn't a $500 gift a pretty good chunk out of your budget? Well, of course. well why didn't you wait till after Christmas when it would have been on sale for a third off I like to get my Christmas presents on Christmas how in the world do you think my mother would have felt if she knew that I went into laughter at Christmas to give her a Christmas gift even though I could have gotten it cheaper afterwards well you know a parent is usually pleased with any kind of a gift well I mean I know that But I'm not five, I'm 35, and I don't feel right about giving my mother a toaster for Christmas. So I got the sweater. Yeah, but $500 is a lot of money. I have three brothers and a sister, and they all give her a gift in that price range. I just wouldn't have felt right giving anything less. Now, I am not saying that all those minor motives are bad. I'm just saying they're there. Why did you give your boy that bicycle? Well, he wanted it so much and I love him so much. He's my only son. But you know why else you gave it to him? You're waiting for him to come downstairs on Christmas morning and when he sees that bicycle, he's going to light up like a Christmas tree and you know in your heart, I am the one who put that grin on his face and I'm the one that put that feeling in his heart. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just that it's there. Everything we do, we do from a mixed motive. A lot of times you will do something for someone and it costs some kind of sacrifice. Let's say you had to give up half of a football game on a Saturday afternoon to go next door and help the old lady there do her grocery shopping. And you may have been a little bit irritated at having missed this big game you've been waiting for for a year. But nonetheless, there is still some sense of satisfaction and happiness just about knowing that you've done something that is adult and mature. and you felt good about it. I believe that those who live any 12-step program based on Alcoholics Anonymous know exactly what I'm talking about. I believethat in order to appreciate what it means to carry the message to the alcoholic, if we understand where that came from and why. now before I get into that you're not about to hear a whole lot that is new tonight you may not hear anything that's new when we speak about this field we're speaking about addiction the phenomenon of compulsive use of mood altering chemicals alcohol, prescription drugs street drugs or whatever addicted to one you're addicted to them all that is the common bond that binds all addicts together? And the answer is trying to live the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous because they came into being through pure trial and error, the most scientific way to discover anything. How did AA come into being? Bill Wilson was desperate. This was in the 30s. He was not in denial. He knew exactly what was wrong. He knew it was killing him. He knew that if he didn't stop it, it would ultimately stop him. He desperately wanted to stop and could not. And he was baffled. And he said to Dr. Silkworth, I've tried everything you've suggested and you know, you know that I have been sincere in my attempts. And here I am in the hospital again. And then these words popped out of his mouth. Now you know Bill in the big book characterizes alcoholics as self-will run riot. Listen to this question that came out of the mouth of one who was so self-willed. I wonder if I can't get sober by trying to help another drunk get sober. Self-preservation is the first law of nature. Bill Wilson simply wanted to continue to breathe. He had tried everything that he knew, and it wasn't working. And in complete desperation, he said, I wonder if self-fulfillment and achievement and happiness, sobriety, I wonder If it isn't available by commitment to other people. And Dr. Silkworth was a very brilliant man. He knew what he didn't know. he said I have no idea Bill but since nothing beats a trial but a failure why don't you try and he went out and of course all alcoholics drink with their own kind so he knew dozens of men and women who were suffering the way he was and he tried to help them and after a bit he said to his wife Lois I must have spoken to dozens and they're all still drinking and this was the response well maybe they are but you haven't had a drink in six months that man hadn't enjoyed six months of continuous sobriety in his entire adult life and it struck him he had learned two things through pure experiment number one what he was doing to help himself was helping him his goal personal sobriety the means to achieve it commitment to other people it was working he also learned that what he was doing to try to help them was not working he said get right with God you'll be able to quit drinking and he discovered he had the cart in front of the horse you have to quit drinking to get right with God because it's the drinking that has separated you from it. And so he went on from there. And it was then that he met Dr. Bob. And you all know the story. He was six months sober. He was trusted again on Wall Street where he had made his name. By the way, there's a wonderful yuppie story and I better tell it to you before I forget it. There's a young yuppies out in California had just bought a brand new BMW. And he was driving through the Hollywood Hills, and of course it's a very responsive car. And he wasn't aware that he was going a little bit faster than he ought to be going. And he WAS unable to negotiate one of those hairpin turns, and he went right over a hill. The car landed on its nose, threw him free, but the car was totaled. And he's lying on his back moaning, Oh, my BMW, my B-M-W, oh, my D-M W. And there was a fellow driving behind and saw the whole thing, and he pulled up, and he leaned over the hill, and he looked down. Here's this guy moaning about the loss of his BMW. He said, you fool. You're yelling about losing your BMW, and your whole left arm is missing. The guy went, oh my, oh, my Rolex, my Roll-X. Oh, my Royals. Well, anyhow. A little yuppie tale there. Anyway, it was Dr. Silkworth who said, Bill, I'm a man with a scientific background and I honestly believe that this thing that you and others like you are suffering is a result of a physiological problem. Something's wrong in there that isn't wrong in other people. You know, I once heard a speaker say, defining his own alcoholism, he said, you know what's wrong with me? My filter's busted. And that makes as much sense to me as anything else. He said, when I take a drink, the compulsion to take another one is set up. Something is wrong with the system in here. So maybe the problem, even though it is deeply spiritual in its damages and its repercussions, basically by its nature it's a physiological addiction to a chemical and divine providence had it set up that the next alcoholic he spoke to happened to be a doctor he went to Akron, Ohio he had had a brand new business deal lined up he had backers and the whole thing fell through he was alone his wife is back in Brooklyn he's in Akron he's discouraged not a good condition for alcoholics and he was tired, emotionally tired and he could hear the ice cubes clinking in the glasses in the bar and he, in the lobby ran over to the church bulletin picked out a name what do addicts think of when they're in pain anything to alleviate it particularly their drug of choice and Bill Wilson wanted to drink. But he had enough physical sobriety for this thought to penetrate his brain. Son, I'm sure he believed this. You have one drunk left, your last one. You really don't want to start it, do you? And boy, he ran over that bulletin. He picked the name of Tunks, an Episcopal priest. and he said do you know any drunks I can talk to and the man of course said no why would he give names to a stranger on a phone do you now anybody involved in the Oxford groups this religious movement of Christians who did away with their denominational differences and just tried to live the principles of Christianity anyway gave him the name of ten people that he knew in the Oxford groups and Bill struck out on nine of them The tenth name was Henrietta Seiberling. Her family made automobile tires. Yes, she said, I know a drunken old family friend. He said, please, I've got to talk to him. Please remember the goal, self-preservation. He wanted to stay sober and he was tempted to drink. And the only thing he had at that time, he hadn't yet discovered the first eleven steps. The only thing they knew to do was call a drunk, try to help a drunk. And she said, well, he's too drunk. When can I see him? She said, come over to my house tomorrow. And A.A. was born in her kitchen, as we all know. And the approach as his brother's keeper that he used for his brother was not one of shame or condemnation or finger pointing or anything else. He said, I hear you're having trouble with your drinking. Yes. Have you tried to treat yourself? Have you tried any number of ways to get well? Yes. Well, he said, I'm in the same canoe. I'm an alcoholic. Here's what happened to me. And then he told him about trying to help people. And whether they got sober or not, he hadn't had a drink for six months. Now, the first AA meeting, he had a lifetime of drinking and six months of sobriety. Dr. Bob had a Lifetime of Drinking and about six hours of sobriety. So in the early days of AA, most of the AA talking had to do with the sick years rather than the years of being well because there weren't all that many. And that was providential because it gave every brand new drunk that they got into their presence something to identify with. And they all discovered they had two things in common. When they drank, they didn't control it. It controlled them. And it caused trouble. All the rest, all the dissimilarities meant nothing. And so they discovered it doesn't make any difference what kind of booze you drink, how much you drink. When you drink? With whom you drink at what hour of the day you drink when you drink what happens is that plus or minus, if it's minus, you're in the right place. And so they got others and then they discovered through trial and error as they tried to stay sober by clinging to each other and helping each other that they had to do certain things. For example, after the first three steps, I can't handle it, God can, I think I'll get in touch. Steps four and five, the inventory and the acknowledgement of guilt come right there because very early in his career of sobriety Dr. Bob went on a convention and drank and he shot back and he knew that he had to resolve the guilt of his checkered past because he couldn't live with it sober and that's the way these steps came into being Knowing that he had all these faults and the things he had done and the Things He Had Left Undone that he felt guilty about, the only way he could resolve that guilt was to acknowledge it and realize that he Had Been Forgiven. And then he saw that he HAD TO GET RID OF SOME OF THESE FAULTS OR THERE AND TRAP HIM AGAIN. Then he KNEW THAT HE HAD To MAKE UP TO PEOPLE THAT HE HAVE DAMAGED AND HE TRIED. and then of course knowing what they were human beings with all the foibles and the weaknesses they continued to take inventory and admit wrong promptly so that there wouldn't be any backlog of guilt building up to lead to a drunk and they came to a stark realization that if I truly acknowledge that my sobriety has come from a God of my own personal understanding I'd better get to know Him better. If anybody needs an explanation as to why you ought to pray, there's nobody on earth can explain it. If you can't see it, you'll never understand it. I'm impelled to want to know better and love more the One who gave me the priceless gift of my life. through other human instruments. Now we come to step 12. I've done this before, but the song from Man of La Mancha fits so perfectly. Bill Wilson was a man who dreamed the impossible dream and he fought the unbeatable foe. Men and women have been fighting it for centuries and they lost. He ran where the brave dared not go, but he knew if he'd only be true to his glorious quest that his heart would lie peaceful and calm when laid to its rest. Ladies and gentlemen, the world has been better for this. One man, one man, bruised, covered with scars, He still strove with his last ounce of courage until he reached that unreachable star of sobriety, that jewel that men and women have been looking for from the beginning. But in the process, he had been set free. Freedom! Freedom is a synonym for sobriete. And he had regained his human nature. What is human nature? What's a human being? A creature made in the image of God. That's what a human is. A God-like entity. And so he acted like God. He shared his goodness. You know, theologians and philosophers forever have wondered if God is perfect being infinite, no bounds infinite being explanatory of his own happiness why did he create and there's no answer God knows and he won't tell the only thing they can do is comment they give a descriptive answer they look and they try to define what their eyes are looking at And it's this, goodness tends to diffuse itself, to go out and be shared. But in order to share his own goodness, God had to create us to share it with. And that's what Bill did. he knew unconsciously even when he started that somehow or other even though he didn't have anything to share, he wanted to he wanted to be sober so bad that he wanted to get others sober we go through the first 11 steps he started with the 12th to discover what did he discover? absolutely nothing new, ladies and gentlemen there's nothing new in the AA program My mother lived AA and never heard of it. And I'm sure so did a lot of your parents and grandparents and billions of people before them. All they did was through pure scientific procedure put the stamp of validation on the set of principles to live by that God gave human nature when He created it. we lost our freedom slaves of addiction freedom is back and the joy of being free expresses itself in that burning desire to just give it to anybody and everybody you can think of but one has to go through the eleven steps in order to have something to give. There's an old Latin expression, nemo dot quod non habet. Nobody gives away what he doesn't have. And so people who are addicted, alcoholics, drug addicts, street druggies, anyone addicted to any chemical, set free and trying to live these principles to function by being concerned about rebuilding his relationship with God's self and others, suddenly begins to mature and to grow. And the preface to step 12 is this, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, all the first 11 are nothing but a preparation for the 12th. when asked, what do you mean by a spiritual awakening? This was Bill Wilson's answer. Look for a profound change in personality. A different person is coming into being here. The whole setup of one's attitudes, one's thinking, and therefore one's behavior. Change is visible, it's audible. And that is why the first indication that anything good is happening in another is when he cleans up his mouth. A foul mouth is indicative of a foul mind. And foul-mouthed people can talk this program to death and it will mean nothing. A clean mind reflects itself in clean speech. And once these things begin to happen within the soul of a recovered, addicted person, he now burns to share this with others. Now we are, all of us, like the Samaritan, the perfect example of one who is his brother's keeper. When fellow Jews passed by the injured man, it was the Samaritan, the man from Samaria who bound up his wounds and took care of him and so he is called the good Samaritans now we're all asked to be good Samarians to everybody else on earth because everybody else is our neighbor but how about those closest to us those to whom we hold a responsibility Have not all addicted people who have received the gift of cleanness and sobriety, have they not been the result of the efforts of people who were their brother's keeper? And in imitation of them, they try to pass that torch along. And so who is it who can best reach out to the addicted person, the one who may be rather unlovable or unlikable except one who has been there before to whom sobriety has been passed by a person who was his brother's keeper? Is it not those in the program who are bound by a responsibility to reach out to others who are addicted. Now let's even bring it in closer. Should not clergy be the first to help alcoholic or drug-addicted clergy? Doctors to help doctors? And how proud I am that this talk is being filmed in Virginia, where lawyers helping lawyers came into being. Love spreads like a flame, and so it does. People in our community, our neighborhood, our co-workers. My brother's keeper. I heard of a story some years ago about a man who got sober and he works in Washington in government of some kind. He has permission to leave any meeting with anyone if he gets a 12-step call. Do you know why? This was his story. He had a terrible time getting sober. And he ran away from his sponsor. and was terribly drunk, and he had reached the end of his own rope. And he called his sponsor one night from Western Canada. His sponsor lived in Connecticut. He said, I've had it. I'm willing to do whatever you tell me. The guy said, wherever you're staying, you stay there. Give me your address and phone number. I'll be there. And his sponsor called a buddy of his. It was quite late at night. He said, I'll be by to pick you up. We're going on his 12-step call. And he arrived in front of the fellow's house, blew the horn. The guy came out and he had an overcoat on over his pajamas. Got in the car and promptly fell asleep. And he woke up. The sun was shining. We're at cornfields. And he looked at his face and said, we're in the name of God, aren't we? He said, we're in the middle of Illinois. He said we're what? Where in heaven's name are we going? He said Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They went there, got the guy, brought him back. He'd been sober ever since. And he simply vowed that if anyone cared enough about him to drive clear across a continent, he would go anywhere in the world if he were asked. The greatest man I ever knew was a fellow by the name of Austin Ripley. After five minutes of being in his presence, I wanted to be just like him. And I remember one day hearing a man ask him you know, people in AA theorize well I'll go with a fellow for three meetings or I'll sponsor you only if lay down all kinds of conditions and somebody asked Rip one day how far do you go with the drunk and immediately he said as far as you can and then one step more I've seen him do that I've seen a lot of people do that I don't know if I can I really don't met a man about a month ago he was driving us to the airport in Rochester, New York he I think was 47 years sober and for the last 30 some he's been taking a meeting to a prison near his home and his wife is always after him why in the world do you have to do that? You go out in the most terrible weather, you're not a young man anymore. Why in the word do you do it? So few of them get sober. And he was just so happy to say, honey, it fulfills me. If one gets sober, I'm thrilled to death. But if they don't, the effort teaches me just by looking at these fellows, this could be me, but for the grace of God. Oh no, I grow, I am fulfilled and I'll finish the line for him by being my brother's keeper. A.A. suggests in the last step of its therapy that that is exactly what we are. We tried to carry the message to alcoholics, any drug addict, and to practice these principles of charity in all our affairs. Am I my brother's keeper? Of course I am. Are you your brother'skeeper? Yes, you are. I hope that there never has been, or ever will be, a doubt in your mind about that. Well, I want to thank you all for coming here this evening. I'm always... I don't even know how to put it. It's a tremendous honor to know that people actually listen to what you're saying. and I appreciate that. I love what I do because, you know, the main thing is that I meet people like you. Rip, you knew, he had a wonderful expression. He said, The tongue is mute when it is faced with the impossible task of expressing the simplest feelings of the heart. Ladies and gentlemen, you've made me a very wealthy man if real love is measured in the coin, or if real wealth is measured in the Coin of Love. Now, if I try to tell you that I love you for that and for many other reasons, how can you possibly know what's really in here? Every time we say the words I love You, it means something slightly different from when we said it before. Lord, the only thing that comes close are the magnificent words at the end of probably one of the loveliest songs ever written, Roger Whitaker's The Last Farewell. For you are beautiful, and you are. And I have loved you dearly, more dearly than the spoken word can tell thank you all again and good night