Waiting to Finish the Steps Before Helping Anyone Is Just Ego Wearing a Recovery Costume – Steve F.

Hi, I'm Steve Farnsworth. I'm an alcoholic. And my sobriety dates June 18th, 1989. And so I just celebrated 20 years, I don't know, a week and a half ago, something like that. I don't know what it was, but that's crazy. My home group's Perry Hall Speakers Meeting. Perry Hall is a section of Baltimore Northeast, just outside the Beltway. It's a speakers meeting. It's one hour, and we have a lot of fun and a lot of enthusiasm, a lot like this group. And if you're ever in the Baltimore area, we would absolutely love if you could come join us. We love visitors. I have a real simple job here tonight. And fortunately, it is not to try to impress you, because I would fail miserably. My job is to share in a general way, to the best of my ability, what it used to be like and how I got here and what it's been like since. For one. One purpose, one primary purpose. And that is, hopefully, if I can get my head out of the way, that maybe, just maybe, you might be able to hear beyond my words and listen to my heart when my heart tells you, screams at you, that there is hope available in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm not talking necessarily about just hope for abstinence from alcohol. If that's what you're here for. That's wonderful. I'm glad you're here. But I'm not the kind of alcoholic that drinking was my problem. Drinking was a problem. Don't get me wrong. One thing I know very well is I don't drink very well. I've thrown up on perfect strangers. But I have this other condition that is called a spiritual malady. You know? And I'm the kind of guy that's been educated well beyond my intelligence. So I had to go look that word up, you know? And I actually looked up two words because I remember when I first met my sponsor that I have, my temporary sponsor of the last 13 years. He, when I first met him, he started telling me about this difference between a problem drinker and a real alcoholic. And I know there's a lot of different people that think, you know, they have different ideas of what that difference is. And, you know, mine is just one. A particular understanding that fits well into my heart. And it may not be yours, and that's fine. But, you know, what I was, you know, what I was hearing was that, you know, there's a lot of people that have a physical allergy to the drink. You know, when I put a drink in me, it's kind of like having sex with a gorilla. The gorilla decides when we're going to stop, you know? And. And when I, sorry for those of you to get the visual on that. But anyways, you know, and then, you know, then, and then when I stop, it's like being locked up in the cage of that gorilla. He decides when we're going to start again, too. You know, I can, I can make a decision that I'm not going to drink and go out with my friends and promise them that I will be the designated driver and I will not drink. And I'll be the first one drunk. Not knowing how that happened, you know? And so I definitely had that. And maybe, just maybe I might share some stories about that. I don't know, because I really haven't made a, I really haven't planned on what I'm going to say here tonight. But, but the, that's the physical allergy. And the mental obsession is when I, you know, when I put that drink down and all I do is think about when I'm going to get to drink again. And I know that the mental obsession is a, is a very, it's a foe. That it, that really deserves a lot of respect. You know, I had this guy up in Baltimore when I first started going out trying to help people. We used to call him Drunk Dave because he always came to the meetings drunk. And, and he, he's the kind of guy that would call me like 15 times a night, you know? And, you know, first he'd do John Wayne impressions. And then he would, you know, he would serenade me, you know? And then he'd start calling me names that I don't want to mention from the podium. And then he'd say, I'm sorry, please call me back. You know, in the meantime, I'm trying to sleep and get excited and go to work in the morning. But he, one time I brought him to this meeting in, in Virginia. And, and he started convulsing in the meeting. And so I, I, I, I got him in the, in my truck and I ran down to this restaurant that I knew had a bar in it. And I ran in and I asked this woman that was bartending for a big jigger shot of, of, of vodka. Because I knew that that's what he needed. I knew that that's what he needed to, to stop convulsing. And then she gave it to me and I ran out and through all the commotion, somebody called an ambulance. But by the time the ambulance got there, you know, I had his, I had his, his head in the back of my hand. And I'm, I had that, that, that vodka right up to his mouth. And he hadn't even, hasn't even touched it yet. Hasn't even tasted it yet. And the convulsion stopped. You know, just knowing it was coming was enough. You know, and, and that's, you know, so that's why I say, you know, I know that the mental condition that we deal with is definitely deserving of respect. It's kind of funny. I, I, afterwards, because I didn't, in case it happened again, I wanted to be a little more prepared. I bought a little pint of vodka and just kept it in the, in the back of my truck. And that, and, and he was aware of this, right? And that, and that night about two o'clock in the morning, maybe three, he calls me. And I live in, I was at the time, and I'm back actually living there again now. I live in Howard County, Maryland, which is about halfway between. Baltimore and D.C. And he lives in the city of Baltimore. And he calls me up in the middle of the night on a work night demanding that I bring him his bottle that I brought him. And I'm like, Dave, I totally understand the thinking, but it's not happening, you know? And, but, so that's the, that's, you know, the mental. And, but the thing about the, about this condition as I see it is a, you know, a problem drinker definitely has the mental obsession, a mental allergy, a mental obsession to physical allergy. And, and typically what'll happen is, is this, this person will stop, you know, go stop, you know, attain abstinence. And, and go through the withdrawal period and the obsession period. And then, but once that's past him, he can typically get on with life like most normal people. You know, a little bit of fellowship, maybe a little bit of therapy, maybe church on Sundays or whatever. and I'll live life like most normal people because the problem's been removed. But then there's this guy that I believe is what they're referring to, and there is a solution, Chapter 2, that talks about the real alcoholic. And this is the guy who's got that spirituality, that condition. And so I look up the word alcohol, alcoholism, because remember I told you I just got introduced to this when I was like seven years sober, this concept. And so I look up the word alcohol, and it comes from this Latin. It's Latin for spiritus, you know. And that made sense to me. You see wines and spirits on the sides of liquor stores, and alcoholism being a spiritual condition. And then, but the thing that really got my attention was when I started doing some research on the common usage of the word in English-speaking cultures. And what I found was that people didn't refer to a drinking problem as alcoholism. Alcoholism until just prior to like the first quarter of the 1900s. Probably right around the same time that the scientists gave it the name ethyl alcohol, you know. Prior to that, they were referring to the drink as malts and ales and lagers. However, you can go all the way back to the Bible in here and read about them talking about the word alcoholism as a spiritual condition. And that got my attention. Because that's right around the same time that Alcoholics Anonymous was beginning to form. And then I looked up the word malady. And the word malady meant, you know, the way I found it in the dictionary that I found was to be separated or disconnected. You know, that feeling like I'm just not in harmony with this world around me. You know, and I used to feel that way before I drank and when I wasn't drinking. The only time I didn't feel that way was when I was drinking. And it was so intense for me that there was times in my little delusional thinking, mind, that, you know, I would think that maybe one day the mothership will land behind me and say, Steve, come with me, we made a mistake, we put you on the wrong planet. You know what I mean? And because I couldn't understand why I just could not feel like I fit in with the rest of the people on this planet. And that, you know, I mean, I know that I had all the same needs. You know, I could fit in. It didn't appear that I was, you know, looking too different than everybody else. I had a... You know, logically, I knew I was just another guy. But deep down in my soul, I just felt like there was something different about me. And I could not get in harmony with the world, no matter what I tried to do. And then I do a lot of thinking about me. And I know I'm the only one in the room that does that. But... And what would happen is I come up with a particular human characteristic as to why I'm different. And then I would search out the people. And then I would search out the people that also had that particular characteristic. And I didn't feel like I fit in with them either. And it was very unfortunate for me. So it's a very lonely place to be. And if you're like me, you can only stay in that intense loneliness for so long before you've got to get relief, you know. And what I found when I was about 11 or 12 years old was my grandfather was getting remarried after my grandmother died. And we were at a little wedding reception. And I got ahold of some spike puns. And all of a sudden, I had a new awakening. You know, I had an experience where I fit. I finally fit. I had that magic potion. You know, I got carried out of that wedding reception over my uncle's shoulder. I had thrown up in places, you know, lots of places. I got yelled at and screamed at by my great-grandmother. And I woke up the next morning, you know, knowing that I should not be proud of what happened last night. But at the same time, I also knew that the next time I get a chance to do that, I'm doing it again. Because what alcohol did for me was worth whatever alcohol was doing to me. You know, because what it did for me, it doesn't do for the normal person. And that doesn't, you know, it allowed me to feel. You know, the normal person has a few drinks, they get sloppy, and they start falling down, and they're like, oop, got to go home, you know. And I, you know, put a few drinks in me, I get sloppy, and I start falling down. I'm like, I got to go to town, you know. And, you know, and if you, if it appears to me that you won't understand, then I will tell you that I am going to go home, and then I'll go to town. And, you know, and I progressively worked down to, you know, the most seediest sections of town before the night's over, usually. But, so anyways, that's what alcohol does for me. And I have this spiritual condition. Now, I didn't know this, you know, way back when. All I knew was, you know, I had this spiritual condition. All I knew was that the drink worked for me. And so by the time I, you know, I was like 14, started getting arrested on a regular basis. It was a lot of fun. And I instinctively knew that it wasn't supposed to be a lot of fun, but it was a lot of fun when I could just call my mom and have her come pick me up. And so, you know, we were driving home, and my mom and my dad would be yelling at me, or whatever, and I knew that I had to look, you know, how do I look remorseful, you know. And I remember one time I got arrested in the south side of Chicago. We had moved to Chicago, and I got picked up there by the whole carload of good people. And my mother came and picked us up, and just because of the number of people, I had to follow her home or whatever. And I had been doing some non-AA-approved substances. And, uh... And, uh... And somehow halfway through the drive, I forgot how much trouble I was in and I'm passing my mom waving to her, you know, like, you know, and she was like, I don't know what she was saying. All I know is there's a lot of finger finger pointing and she had a really bright red face and she was mad. But anyways, you know, I don't know where that came from. But but so, you know, all was fun and games until I started until the DuPage County police in DuPage County, Illinois, threw a foul ball at me. And what they did is they charged me as an adult when I was 17. And this is before ATMs. And so I had to spend the night in jail, like adult jail. And just for the record, I want to make sure everybody knows that I don't jail well. And, you know, I, I got I got a real big mouth, you know, having a lot of fun. But you put me in a jail cell, you know, all I could think about was, you know, the stories I heard about Bubba and I really wasn't in the mood. So, so I got to be careful what I say. But anyways, my mom got me out of jail that night, that morning, and I went right to work and I made a little quiet promise to myself that I'm never going to see another jail cell as long as I live as long as I can help it. And I noticed some people, this group of people in my that I had gone to high school with, that I was acquaintances with, but I looked around the people I was I was hanging with, and they were going to jail on a regular basis. And I looked at these other people and they were doing the same things I like to do. And they weren't going to jail on a regular basis. And I didn't want to go to jail anymore. And I instinctively knew that if I got, if I started hanging out with them, that that was that I would probably stop seeing jail cells. And that's exactly what happened. And the reason why I like to share that. because I'm very aware that there's some people in the room here today that might be scouting for a sponsor. And if you're like me and you're here and you're looking for a sponsor and you're looking for somebody that's as smart as you are, you're probably not going to find one. But if you look for somebody that's getting the results that are attractive to you and you go ask them for help and do what they do, you'll get what they get. And that's been my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous. It was my experience when I was 17 that if you take these actions, you will get the results. This world runs on action and reaction, cause and effect. So anyways, I finished up school and I knew that I wanted to do something that I could make money at that I didn't have to go to jail for because I had to change my ways a little bit. And I did. And I did. And the only thing that I could do, well, in my mind I said, you know, if I find something that I like, that I really enjoy and pursue that, then I can get excessive with it and then I can make good money because I really believed that making good money was going to be the solution. And the only thing I knew that I could do legally that I could really enjoy was airplanes. You know, I've had an aviation fetish since I've had neck muscles and could look up in the sky. You know, when I was about maybe seven, six or seven years old, I looked up in the sky and I saw an airplane and I could tell what airline it was just by the colors. And my grandfather told me that I was lying and I had held on to that resentment. I have a resentment against my grandfather for that. I was going to say I held on to it until, but some might still think I do. But anyways, because I really did, you know, I was impressed with myself. He wasn't so impressed. But anyways, that just gives you an idea of the fetish with the airplanes. So I chased an aviation career. I packed up my little 68 Camaro that didn't have one single body part painted the same color and I had a Skylab target painted on top of it. I don't know if anybody remembers the Skylab. It was a satellite falling out of the sky and I was really hoping it would hit my car. And I took off to Tulsa, Oklahoma with my daughter. I had my dog in my garbage bags. But not before I told my mother how much she ruined my life. And then about 16 hours later I get down to Tulsa, Oklahoma to go to school and I call my mother up crying, asking her for money. And of course she sent it. And my parents. My parents, you know, one thing I want to say about my parents is they were teenagers when they started having kids. And I never thought about things from their perspective. I was always thinking about things from my perspective. And I thought I was a victim and I thought I was, you know, I just thought I had it so bad. And when I look at what my parents did as teenagers, I was just, it just amazes me today. You know, my mother was 26 years old when she was pregnant for her eighth time. I know. But she had an addiction other than alcohol. But anyways. She. I think I got that addiction too, by the way. So, anyways. The. So she really did an incredible job, to be honest with you. And my dad, you know, considering all the challenges he had in his life. And he did an incredible job too. And my dad right now is sitting in a nursing home up in Brunswick, Maine, dying of alcoholism. And because he never was offered a spiritual solution. All he was offered was a bunch of medications. And he's been on them. So long that it's basically destroyed his organs. And he's never, he's never really been at peace. And it's very sad. Because I do believe that most alcoholics get that kind of, a similar, you know, lot in life. You know. I think percentage wise, very few people actually make it here. And if the people that make it here, very few actually get a really honest, simple program. A spiritual solution. That allows them to enjoy their lives. And it's very sad. You know. And I don't ever want to forget that. But anyways. So these are my parents. And. And. And they did really, they put me through college. And I finished up school. Went, moved to Maryland. Started, the drink, the drink was pretty much a regular part of my life at this time. I was flight instructing out in Frederick, Maryland. Frederick, Maryland, if anybody's ever lived there, there's very unreasonable people living there. They, they couldn't, they couldn't understand why I needed to borrow an airplane one night without them knowing about it. And they called it Grand Theft Airplane. I called it that. I. I called, I told them I had full intentions on bringing it back. It wasn't like I was going to keep it. I had no place to park it, for God's sakes. But these people just so unreasonable. But they take themselves too serious. So they fired me. And a big surprise. So I go up to Columbus, Ohio. And I lived up there for a while. And I got a job working in a, for a, an aviation con, I mean a military contractor. And I got, started getting exposed to the military. And I also met a, a girl there that I, that I just clicked with, you know, really well. And we stayed really, really, really close friends. And we eventually got married down the road. But she lives here in this area. But we're not married anymore, by the way, just for the record. So anyway, she, I mean, so I, I get exposed to the military and I really wanted to go to the military. I tried to get in. They didn't let, they didn't want to let me in at first because I had a lot of, I had a very long police record. The charges, they, even the recruiter told me, he says, you know, Steve, it's not the charges that are the problem, it's the number of them. And, you know, and I wrote all kinds of letters. And I've seen enough drama TV to know how to blame it on my parents, you know, and my bad childhood and everything else. And so, but I got this application package in there and, and, and they weren't going to take me. But then I met an admiral that knew my grandfather. And this admiral made a phone call for me. And I got a call from my recruiter. And he said, I don't know who you talked to, but you need to be in Pensacola, Florida on Sunday. And I said, I don't know who I talked to either, but I'm glad I did. And so I went down to Pensacola for flight school and felt like Private Benjamin, you know. I didn't know, I knew nothing about the military. And, but they, they ensured that I was not going to leave by shaving my head bald. I don't bald well either. And, and I was like, even like, you know. I didn't know how to do it. I'm like, you're going to have to kill me to get me out of here. And I started getting really excessive. And, you know, my sponsor, when I first met him, I told him when I was in high school, I felt like I was really stupid because I dropped out of high school. Every time I tried to go, I had to walk to school. And from where I lived to the actual building, you had to walk through the parking lot. And there was a lot going on in the parking lot that was making it difficult for me to make it into the room, into the building, unless, of course, I needed a nap on my desk. So I dropped out of school, and I thought I was really stupid. But what I really was was bored. And then I went down to school in this aviation program, and I did really well. And now I'm thinking I'm really smart. My sponsor says, he says, you're neither. You're somewhere in the middle. He said, what you are is you're alcoholic of the spiritual variety, and that when the world tells you you need to do something, you'll do just what it takes to get by, if you make it that far. And then when you find something that you like, you'll get excessive with it. And that made a little bit more sense to me. It's one of the reasons why I don't get up here and say I'm an alcoholic and anything else, because we could close the meeting by the time I'm done, you know, because I'm telling you right now, if it felt good, I got excessive with it, you know. And that's just part of the nature. So for me to say I'm an alcoholic and anything else would be redundant. But... But I'm talking about a spiritual type of alcoholism. So anyways, my... I get into the military, and now at this time, the drink's starting to make call shots for me. I'm drinking now when I really don't want to be drinking. And after flight school, I went to... I was supposed to go to this one squadron. They switched me at the last minute. I ended up in the Azores. And the Azores, for those of you who don't know, are some islands out in the middle of the Atlantic. And they're owned by Portugal. Portugal. Portuguese have some very unreasonable police officers. And my very first night on the Azores, I passed out. I'm the kind of guy that likes to drink until I drop. And they picked me up. And all I remember is kind of coming into a little bit of a haze, a little bit of a brownout, waking up with some Portuguese police holding me up in front of the guard gate for the American military base with some words along the lines of, Does this belong to you? And the American, or the military police brought me to my barracks and a nice, cool, brisk summer night walking uphill. By the time I got up there, I was rejuvenated. And so when they went off on the horizon, I went back out in town. And a short while later, I got picked up by the same Portuguese police again and got brought back to the same military police. And this time it wasn't as funny. And now keep in mind, I wasn't supposed to go to this squadron. Originally, it was a last-minute change. So my commanding officer didn't even have my orders, and he had two police blotters on me. And that was my really good kickoff for my wonderful military career. And a few incidents later, I had a couple boards I had to go to, go before. I got caught lying on a sill. I was fully prepared to go answer to this board with all my lies to explain why I was lying. And I'm standing there at attention, and all the questions were about my drinking. And I wasn't prepared for that. And I wasn't very happy about that. And in my head, what I'm saying is, I'm looking at these guys at this board, and they're all like, with the exception of my commanding officer, they maybe outranked me by one rank. And they're all, you know, I'm looking, and I'm like, man, you were drinking in the officer's club last night the same way I was. I saw who you were hanging out with last night. You've got a wife back in the States. I wonder how she'd feel knowing who you were drinking with, you know? I look at this guy, and I'm like, nobody even wants to drink with you anyways. I don't know why you're here, you know? This is all going on in my head. With a quick reverence. It's a revelation of I'm the only one standing at attention. And so I did a lot of yes sirs, no sirs, I will, I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I went off, and they told me that if I stayed sober for a week, that I could start flying again. And the way I stay sober for a week is I lock myself up in my room and drink like a fish. And then I walk out and say I stayed sober for a week. And they say, okay, and then they let me start flying again. And that's what happened. And so then, and then I get back to the States. And by this time, I said I was married. I had a wife who was not too crazy about my behavior. And she had decided to pack up. She was living in Maine with me, and she decided to pack up and move back uptown here where her mother was living. And I really wanted her to come back. I didn't want her to leave. And so I tried to salvage that, but that wasn't working. And then, but I was still drinking like a fish, you know. I came out here, I came, even in my drunken state, I came here, and I saw the way she was living. And I knew immediately that she was okay. And that if I brought her back home, that she wouldn't be okay. And so I walked away, and I just didn't even try to take her back, because I really, really do care about this girl. So anyways, I drove back home, and the unfortunate people on Interstate 4 going back to Jacksonville area, because I was very drunk driving the whole distance. I barely remember any of it. And flew back to Iceland, I mean, yeah, because that's where I was stationed, in Iceland at the time. And just went right back to my drinking, got back to the States, and then I was in charge of this nuclear weapons training exercise. And the deal was that you get this, it's called a ready one alert, and you stay sober for 24 hours, which is not a big deal. Because if I know I'm going to get a drink, I can stay sober. I need to be done in five minutes? Is that what that means? Oh, okay, I thought the meeting went to 930. Ooh. Yeah, I got some bad information. I am very sorry. All right. I didn't even get sober. Anybody got a drink? No. I am very sorry. I really thought that I, this is like an hour speak-to-meeting, and I'm sober now. So, I got it. I got it. See, I'm taught to get sober at halftime, and I was thinking 9 o'clock is halftime. But anyways, wow. How do I tell you in five minutes what an incredible gift you guys have given me? I stayed sober in Alcoholics Anonymous for seven years with no steps, and I wanted to put a bullet in my head. I met my sponsor, and he taught me how to get into service to others, how to get active helping others. It was the biggest gift any human being could give to another, is to show, the churches call it, you can give a man a fisher, you can feed him for a day, you can teach him how to fish and feed him for a lifetime. And my sponsor taught me how to fish. He said, come with me, I'll make you a fisher of men. And somebody texted me one time the other couple days ago. He said, ye be fishers of men. You catch them, God will clean them. And my sponsor, that's what he did for me. And the more I went out, and I did not know what I was doing. And I swore that I was not qualified. And my sponsor said, you're not qualified, but God is. You go over there, and you just do it. And the first guy I ever went up to, I told him, I said, Gary, I said, I don't know, my sponsor wants me to help somebody, and I don't know how to do that. Do you think you can kind of make it look like I'm helping you? But he set me on a path. This is awful that I just spent a half hour telling you about my drunk life. But anyways. But this is what I want to tell you guys, okay, in all seriousness, is that I personally believe that you reap what you sow. And if you're going to walk through your life sowing seeds of fear, seeing what I can get, self-seeking, self-centeredness, self-delusion, self-pity, then that's what you're going to get back a thousand times. But if you go through your life seeing what you can do for your brother or your sister, you will reap back. You will reap back thousands of times of that. Sowing seeds of fear will get you back thousands of forms of fear. And sowing seeds of love will get you back thousands of forms of love in all of your affairs. And most of you, if you're like the people that I've come across in AA, they will tell you that you can't help anybody until you've been through the steps. And I'm here to tell you that that is not my experience. I don't care how long you've been sober. You have something to offer. You go out and help somebody. It might be the one. It might be the one thing that gets that compulsion removed. The difference between me at 20 years sober and the new guy is I've got some momentum going on. If we both stop taking these actions, we're both going to get messed up. But he's probably going to beat me to the punch. But let's take that one step further. Let's say we both get messed up. And we both decide this is a really bad idea. And we want to come back to AA. He's going to be able to walk in those doors. And as for help without any problems, my ego is not going to let me come back that easy. So people that make a big deal out of sobriety time, in my opinion, are digging their own grave. Now, I'm not saying that I won't take that momentum. Because I might get a moment of clarity in there while I'm waiting for it to run out. And I'm not saying that I think that you should not be proud of the amount of time that you have sober. But I think that we make a much bigger deal out of it than we need to. This is about it. That one day at a time principle is right on the money. You know, we all have a moment. And the question is, what are we doing today to help our brother or sister? And nudge them in the direction of God by trying to teach them how to fish. Trying to show them how to go out and help their brother and sister. You know, I have an absolutely beautiful, incredible life. I barely have a penny to my name and I live a jet-set lifestyle. But more than that, what I have is I have an incredible bond of love in my heart. That's constant. And I see the world as a beautiful place. And I don't have bad days. I barely have bad moments. I have times where things don't go my way. But that's what I call them. These are times where things aren't going my way. But that doesn't mean it's a bad day. I said that one time. I'm having a bad day. And my buddy Joe says, Steve, is it a bad day all over or just where you're standing? I really want to tell you. I'm going to shut up here in a second. I really want to tell you how sorry I am that I didn't get a chance to spend. I would have talked a whole half hour. About my sobriety if I knew that the meeting was over at 9. But I'm telling you right now. There is absolute beauty available in these rooms. There is absolute love available in these rooms. And there is absolute purity available in these rooms. And all you have to do is let one of us show you. Please let us show you if you're not tasting it. If you haven't felt it yet, please let us show you. Thank you.