Under My Administration I Was a Respected Member of a Locked Ward — Jimmy T.

I pray that I let you have Jimmy. Thank you, Jim. My name is Jimmy. I'm an alcoholic. And I'd like to thank the Spring Festival Committee, Mel and Elaine, for picking us up at the airport, and Jim for his support. Jim was in town, down where I live. A few weeks ago I answered the phone and there's someone on it that said, I didn't want you, but Mel had already invited you. And Jim was in town. I live in Lemon Grove, California, and I'm sure everybody wants to know where that is. It's located 14 miles north of Tijuana Jail, and 7 miles east of San Diego Jail. I'll give you some landmarks you'd be familiar with. I love... I love the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I love these kind of roundups. To me, the Fellowship has been everything. I came from having nothing, from having no one, to having more friends than any one person deserves. And I know there are some people that are sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous who have kept themselves apart from the Fellowship. But to me, they're cutting the... They're cutting themselves out from a wonderful way of life, you know. It's like... They have their program, but they don't associate with the rest of us. It's like an aluminum condom, you know. It's functional, but there's no fun involved. And, yeah, I really think that's what happens. Our book talks about burning into the condom. It's about the unconsciousness of every man that he can get well. All he has to do is to trust God and clean house. So for those of you who are new, there's nothing that I should say tonight that should drive you away from this Fellowship. And, you know, if you see anybody walking around in a rabbit suit, remember it's Easter, and it's probably real. On the other hand, it may not be, you know. I love to drink. And I had a lot of fun drinking. And I hope you did, too. Anybody that didn't have any fun drinking got screwed. If you're a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't know what the hell you can do about it. But I think you took it right in the shorts. I'm a homeboy from San Diego. I grew up there, and, you know, we're... I started drinking sometime around high school, I guess, along with everybody else. We were... I see these ads for wine. Coolers. We were making them back then, you know. It was a gallon of Red Mountain and a bottle of Squirt and some 192 to give it body. And now they're on television selling this stuff. All of my life, and this is not an unusual story. You know, you hear this all the time. All of my life, I had felt somewhat alone and apart. And I can't really explain it any better than that. But if you've been around here... If you've been around here for any time, I know you've heard it from other people. I've had this loneliness. It doesn't mean that I didn't have friends. I did. I had a lot of friends. But something inside told me that I was a little bit different. I had this loneliness, and I had this fear. Those are the two emotions that I can remember from my life prior to coming to Alcoholics Anonymous. Loneliness. And fear. Not the two greatest things in the world. And I lived with those with the exception of when I drank. The big book tells me that men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. I'll go along with that. I liked that. That effect made my world right. Unfortunately, I am one of that small group of people. Who has a physical allergy and a mental obsession. I am the alcoholic. I am the guy that knows that this time it's going to get better. You know? I'm the guy that gets out of jail for drunk driving and goes to the first bar to have a couple drinks to try to figure out how in the hell that happened. Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter I am the guy that after several years of drunken marriage was completely astounded when this callous woman he was married to threw him out. And I'm that same guy that wakes up in the hospital with an IV drip in each arm and a tube in my nose. And a tube in my other nose. Laughter Laughter My wife. She says the tragedy in that is that this is the biggest nose. Laughter Anyway, I'm that guy that wakes up tied to the bed because I've been trying to kill the snakes in my room for a couple of days. And as soon as I get out, give me a week of good food and I'm ready to take another run at it because I know it's not going to bite me this time. Laughter I am the alcoholic. I am the hopeless alcoholic. And I'll tell you how hopeless I am. I forgot to, um, I really screwed up here. Uh, my wife, uh, came with me. Uh, her name is Pat and she's a member of this fellowship. She's here and I'm probably in a lot of trouble for not introducing her. Uh, anyway, she's here. She's sort of like the AA truth committee. You know, she follows me around. And if you're ever having any difficulty with honesty in your life, you know, marry another AA. It just, well, he will have told your last lie. Anyway, I started to drink just like, just like all the other guys did. And I loved it. And for about the first ten years of my drinking, I drank through high school and college and out into the workplace. The first ten years, I really had a lot of fun. And, uh... I was, you know, I was kind of a, a, a free spirit. Uh, and, uh, by that, I mean that I didn't really hurt anybody else. You know, I used to fight a lot, but believe me, I was the only one that ever got hurt in that. And, uh, the free spirit in me didn't really have any goals or any directions. As long as I could just kind of say pleasantly, I was okay, you know. It was when I overshot the mark that I got in trouble. And, uh, that is the problem with being an alcoholic and a free spirit, is free spirits go to jail a lot. And I, uh, during, during my drinking career, I never became a very active criminal. Uh, I never got serious about crime. My, um... I had a judge once describe me as a social irritant. I, uh, I had, uh, what had happened in this particular instance is that several of my lower companions and I were sitting around drinking beer and we were watching a, this is quite a few years ago, we were watching a documentary on astronauts. And they were, they were putting them in a centrifuge and seeing how much, how much gravitational force they could take, uh, something really heady like that. And we got into an argument. As to who would be the best astronaut. And, you know, those kind of arguments you get in when you've had about six beers. And I had this idea. Now, I hadn't had an idea in about a year. So everybody wanted to know what, you know, where are you coming from? My idea was simply this. We would go down to the local laundromat. Where they have the dryers. And, you know, it gets hot in there. And I vomited on myself. God, it was competition. And sometime along about the semifinals. And that is, that is typical of the type of crime I was involved in. That and drunk in public urinating on a sidewalk. Those are the sort of things. And I got to a point. When my, my drunk stopped when I went to jail. They all just kind of ended up that way. I don't know if you ever had that. But I would, I'd wake up and I knew where I was. And I would know at that very instant that something had probably not gone the way I had really wanted it to. And I would have generally no idea of what I was doing. And I would have no idea of what I was doing. And I would have no idea of what I was doing. And I would have no idea of what I had done until later. And it was, until it was revealed to me. Often in court. I don't know how long I would have gone on like this. What I do know and I can see now in retrospect is I was changing the group of people I ran around with. I started to seek those lower companions. I started to find. In my mind, the people that knew how to have fun. That's the way I looked at it. What it was, I wanted the people who would accept me for my drinking. And I wanted to run around with somebody that was a little worse than I was. That way when somebody asked me about my drinking, which would happen. I could always look and I'd say, if I ever got as bad as him, I'll quit. God, I would have too. I think the last time I said that, I was in a room by myself. Anyway, I noticed that my social position was deteriorating. And I was starting my morning down at the bar. I had found one of those bars that open at six in the morning that have a parking lot behind it that is not visible from the street. And I was like, I'm going to go to the bar. And I was like, I'm going to go to the bar. And I was like, I'm going to go to the bar. And you all know how important that is when your vehicle is marked. And I would go in there and I was a defender of my drinking. And one day I had the bartender ask me just flat out, you know. He said, you know, you really drink a lot. You know, do you have any idea why? And this is a guy, I am damn near his sole source of support. And I said, yes. It's that woman. It's that woman I'm married to. And he said, how long have you been married? And at that point, I realized I had been divorced for three years. I was still using that. I was still using that as an excuse. And as I say, I don't know how long it would have happened. But I had a big event in my life. Something that really changed it quick. I was in an accident. And I got hit on the head. And it left me with something called post-traumatic epilepsy. And I wouldn't have the grand mal type of seizures. And I worked. I still have this, by the way. So any of you who are thinking of leaving, it might stay. There's always a chance I'll share more than just my story. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I was... That really used to happen a lot. I was reading... I was thinking about... I was reading how it works one time. And I got... If you have decided you want what we have and... And all the newcomers ran out of the room. We never got them back, I don't think. They just... They don't like me, Martha, but you don't want me like them. You don't want me like them. Anyway... Anyway, I was working as a diver and one thing you cannot do is you cannot work underwater when you have this type of problem because you can't be bonded or insured. And there are a few other things you can't do. You can't drive a car. You can't be by yourself. You can't be around machinery. You can't climb up on anything. In other words, I couldn't live alone. In other words, I couldn't live alone. And the problem was not just that I would have these seizures. The problem was they couldn't stop them. And they couldn't... You know, they're unpredictable. So I had to give up all of my independence. I had to stop work. I had to do everything. In other words, I was challenged. And I responded to it. Just like any good alcoholic. I'd always known God had kind of given me a dirty deal in the first place. And I just dove right into the bottle. I started to drink when I woke up. And I didn't stop drinking until I passed out. And that is the way I met my problem. And it wasn't until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous that I was ever able to get around that problem. But that's the way I handled it. I just... I just drank. That's all. I drank to get back at you. I got... I drank to get back at the shabby way in which the world treated me. And something interesting happens when you... When you drink and you take the medication that they give you for epilepsy. All of those little bottles have a label on them that says, Don't drink alcohol. And for those of us who are alcoholic, it puts us in a hell of a... predicament. And I did exactly what you would have probably done. And I peeled all those little labels off. And I no longer found myself in violation. Until I would wake up in the psychiatric ward with somebody leaning over me, asking me why I'm trying to kill myself. And that's when I would kind of understand why they put those on there. You're really not supposed to do that. I was in a strange situation. I couldn't... I couldn't not drink. And I had to take the medicine. And I just kept... About every few weeks I'd wind up in the psych ward. The ambulance company knew how to get to my house. After I'd done this for a period of time, the state of California decided that I was... I was behaving in a relatively... irresponsible manner. And they took away my ability to take care of myself. They put me on a conservatorship. In other words, they became my higher power. And I... I didn't have anything to say about where I lived. And they just... They just locked me up. And there wasn't anything I could do about it. I became the Thorazine King of San Diego. I very well may have still... I may... I could still be there. Except for the second thing that happens to some of us. Alcohol tore my body up. I... During this in and out part, when I would get out, I would drink. And I woke up once in the emergency room. And they had removed about 80% of my stomach. And after the doctor... had repaired me and was going to let me go, he told me, Jimmy, don't ever drink again. And I said, Doctor, I won't. You have hurt me just bad enough that I have learned my lesson. And I meant it. I mean, Jesus, it was the most painfulest. They moved me and one of his angels of mercy was standing on my catheter. And that's a pain I can... I can remember that to this day. I told it... And I'm mentioning this because this guy, I have a point in doing this. I... That... I told that guy I wasn't going to drink and I meant it. I mean, I meant that. Two weeks later, I was drunk. No idea how it happened. It just happened. Three months later, I'm back with something called pancreatitis. I don't know what it is. I know it hurts. They send me out of there with the same thing. Don't drink. I won't. And I mean it. A couple weeks later, I'm drunk. Three months later, two months after that, I'm in there and I'm dead. My heart has stopped. My respiratory system has stopped. The renal system has shut down. Oh, God, I was a mess. And they operated on me all night. They took on half of my pancreas. And I spent two months in the hospital eating out of a tube in my side. When they let me go, they said, Jimmy, if you ever drink again, you're going to die. And I said, I won't. And I didn't. I didn't drink at that time because they gave me a ton of dope. I mean, I didn't have to drink for a long time. I had found the answer to my alcohol problem. Eventually, it ran out and I started to drink. I've had 14 major surgeries, most of them on my abdomen where they've cut out little pieces of tissue that alcohol has destroyed. I think my shoulder, it looks like I got my ass kicked in a sword fight. I've got scars all over. There's a little part of our book. There's a little part of our book that says the alcoholic is unable to recall with sufficient force the suffering and humiliation of a month or even a week ago. And that is me. That is the alcoholic. And you know, I don't know. See, let me get sober here. Yeah, God, it's time. We describe in a general way what we were like, what happened and what we were like. Now, that's pretty much the way I was. I was scared. I was lonesome. When I drank, it got better for a while and then it got really bad. I had the fun and then I paid and I drank. And I paid and I paid. And then we get to that what happened part. I don't know what happened. I really honestly don't. I cannot tell you what happened. I know something happened. That I know. But I was in a hospital that I had been in. I had been in the same hospital many times. I had been in the same room. And it's that room. It's on the fourth floor and it's right next to the elevator and they keep the door open. Half of San Diego goes up and down every day and looks at you. I know that place. And every time I got out of there, I drank. But this time, something was different and I don't know what it was. I just know there was a difference. I knew at that time that I was completely beat. I was powerless. My life was unmanageable and that by myself, it was never going to get any better. And then I became willing to come to Alcoholics Anonymous. I became willing to try our way of life. It was the absolute last choice. When I was well enough, I went to an AA meeting. And I got lost. I went to the last meeting. It was at the Lemon Grove Olano Club which is on Central Avenue. And as I said, I got lost. And I'll give you an idea of my frame of mind at the time. I lived on Central Avenue. I lived about a half a mile from that club and it took me two days to find it. I can find it good now. I walked in there. I remember staggering up this massive, massive flight of two steps. I don't have a piece of clothing that doesn't have a cigarette burn in it. And I am shaken so bad I can barely stand up. And I got kind of like a beard. Well, I'd stopped shaving. I couldn't afford to lose any more blood. And I smelled like a goat. And as soon as I walked in, this guy walked up to me and he said, you're new, aren't you? And I thought, this is my very first day and I've just met the most perceptive man in all of Alcoholics Anonymous. He told me to sit down at a table and he brought me a half a cup of coffee. A half a cup so I wouldn't embarrass myself and ruin his clothing. And he started to talk to me. And he said, you can't stop drinking, can you? And for maybe the first time in 10 or 15 years, for some reason I told him the truth and I said no. And he said, I can't either. But together we can. We. That simple little word. I had had 12 years of psychotherapy, 10 years of the nut house and I'd been through treatment and I had never heard the word we. Somebody may have mentioned it but I had never heard it. This guy is telling me his problem is just like mine. My experience prior to that was that I was a doctor. I was a doctor. I was a doctor. I was a doctor. I was a doctor. I was a doctor. I was a doctor. What I recall is laying on a hospital bed with one of those little unis where your butt sticks out in the back. Laying there and you have some guy walk up wearing a suit that would cost enough money to keep me in wine for a year telling me I've got a problem. I don't relate to that kind of guy very good. This guy in the Alano Club telling me he was a drunk I can relate to. And he started to talk to me about these meetings and about this program which was a spiritual program based upon belief in a power greater than ourselves. And man, I'll tell you folks I had nothing to do. I had nothing to do at that time except listen to that man. I don't know how much I remember. I don't know how much he said but there were a few things that do stick out. One of them was him talking about going to these meetings and he told me it would be a good idea if I went to one for 90 days every day and I said can I go to more? And he said yeah, you can go to more. And I did. I went to several of them every day. You see, I don't I don't know what you think about Alano Clubs and it doesn't make any difference. One thing that's true is it's a tough place to get a drink. And if you don't trust yourself like I didn't it's a good place to be. And I got there at 6 o'clock in the morning and I'd stay till 11 at night. And he told me just hang out. There's other people here who are alcoholics. Talk to them. Then he talked to me about this book. And he said this is a very simple book. He said get one. And I said well I've got one. And I did. I'd had one for years, you know. And he said read it. And I said well that's a good idea. I'd never read it. I didn't want to be a fanatic. And I found that it's a book that's fairly simply written but seems to change with time. I read this book and I find things in it that were not there before. And perhaps you do too. You know it's like the it's like the guy who just this guy just got sober and he's been sober about a month and he's thinking about sex. You see he's noticed that certain certain parts of his body are beginning to respond as they probably should. And he walked up to his sponsor and he said is there anything in this book about sex? And his sponsor said yeah. Why don't you read page 16. And I don't know why that's funny. And this young man with the clarity that that we have when we're newcomers transposed the two numbers and he looked at page 96 where it says do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are certain to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you have to offer. Often things are not as we think they are. He told me to read that book. At first I was so scared. I don't mind talking about being afraid. I don't. I mean I am secure enough in my manhood and with myself that I don't mind standing up. I don't mind standing up. I don't mind standing up. I don't mind standing up in front of hundreds of people and saying I was scared all my life. I don't mind that. It's true. I was. And when I got to AA I was so fragile, so scared. I'm so glad I didn't get any of this really tough love stuff. I got somebody that was gentle and kind. And they said keep coming back Jimmy. They said keep coming back. That's why I like greeters at the door. I like people to come up and say come on in. Because there's somebody that's going to be like me that needs that. You need that assurance. I know I did. But I used to go. I'll tell you how I was. I would go to this one meeting. It's a noon meeting every day. I'd go there without fail. It's a meeting called Noon at the Grove. It's one of everything there. I'd go to this meeting and the people would say welcome, we're glad you're here. They'd shake my hand. Then I'd sit down and during the meeting they would stare at me. After the meeting they would say thank you very much. Please come back. And I'd come back the next day and the same thing would happen. They'd welcome me. They'd stare at me. They'd ask me to come back. And it was really bothering me. This is the guy that's scared. It was starting to bother me to the point that I think I found something. I am sober a lot of days here. And I want to stay. I can't stand this staring and one day I am saying I screwed up every bit of self-worth that I had. And after the meeting I went up to the principal antagonist. The prime starer. And I said you invite me here every day. When I'm here you stare at me. Why? And the guy looked at me. They said I'm not staring at you man. You sit right under the clock. And I looked. I sat in the same place every day and sure enough there was a clock over my head. He said I don't have a watch and I've got to get back to work and I have to look at the clock. Things are not often as we think they are. When I was sober about three months I was at a meeting. I was sitting around a small table. And I looked and right across from me is a guy with a big bird on his shoulder. A white parrot bird. At least I think there is. You see I have a long history of seeing things that do not exist. And I want to be what every other alcoholic has always wanted to be. I want to be cool. I want to be cool. You know. I mean my fear is looking bad. I don't want to look bad. So I don't want to say I like that bird. And have him say what? I beg your pardon. But on the other hand I don't want him to think that I can't see that thing. I want to look good. And I sat in that meeting for a half an hour pondering my dilemma until some old timer was talking. He said, hey look that guy's got a bird on his shoulder. And I went, oh my God. If you're new and you're going through some of those crazies believe me I think we've all gone through them. I think every one of us has gone through those things. I used to hear wonderful things in AA. One of the things that I heard that was a great idea at the time was that a person that I really respected was talking about driving to work in the morning and praying. And I thought, geez that sounds great. I thought that's what I ought to do. And I didn't drive a car. I had my disease plus a substandard driving record. I hadn't operated a car in many years but I had to walk. And I figured I would walk and walk. And pray on the way to the meeting every day. And God and I would get real close, see. And one day God and I are walking down Central Avenue talking and we walked right out into the intersection of Central and Massachusetts and we got hit by a car. Well, God didn't. He kind of jumped up. And I bore the brunt of the collision. But what that taught me is I'm going to hear certain things in AA that may not be true or may not apply. I used to hear another thing, stick around and wait for the miracle. You ever hear that one? Here's me, I'm a guy, I cannot go one day in a row without drinking before I get to AA. And I'm waiting for the miracle. I'm 30 days sober and I'm waiting for the miracle. And then I'm 60 days sober waiting for the miracle. And then I'm 90 days sober waiting for the miracle. I've got a friend that says when you see the rabbit you've missed the trick. You know, the trick happens as we get here. For some reason, by grace alone, I know that I am not here by any virtue of my own. I am here through the grace of a God. I heard about some other things during that intense period when I was learning so much about AA. I'm confused now. I've been here long enough to get confused. I've often thought that the speakers should all have one year of sobriety or less. Because that's when you get when you really know. After you've been here longer than that you start to get confused. And it gets down to just kind of showing up. I was told that if I would be willing to go to any lengths I probably would not have to. And I don't know about you but when I'm in pain I am willing to go to any lengths. I mean, there's absolutely no trial. I dive right into AA. I go to a hundred meetings a day. I will do anything when I am in pain. My problem comes when things are going good. Because I get an illusion of control. And that's when I have to stop. And I have to remember where was I? You know? Where was I under my administration? Under my administration I was a respected member of a locked ward. Under my administration I ran around in a little canvas blazer with sleeves that tied in the back. And under my administration I was a manufacturer of pottery and leather goods. You know? When I was running the show when I was running the show I woke up in my own bed. In my own bed at home one time and I had cuts all over me. Little surgical things. I had, in a period of four weeks I had fallen through three sliding glass doors and the glass door of the gun cabinet had nothing to do with alcohol. You understand? And I had perhaps 200 stitches all over me. And I was laying there thinking Jesus, I could really get hurt if I keep this up and I should probably do something about it. And I'm trying to think of, why this is happening to me. Lack of balance. That is my dilemma. I figured, see I had a lot of electroshock therapy. And I figured perhaps something happened and I couldn't walk anymore and I accepted it. This is my administration, my best thinking. I accepted the fact that I wouldn't be able to walk anymore and I just crawled around on my hands and knees. I crawled all around my house. And I wore out all the knees and my pants. I got calluses on the heels of my hands. My golden retriever fell in love with me. I'm... That old dog never forgave Alcoholics Anonymous. I sobered up, stood up, and it ended the only meaningful relationship of his life. He had a brief affair with my sponsor's leg a few years later, but it wasn't the same thing. But this was my thinking. That's where I was. That's where I was under my administration. Under God's administration, I am a free man. And then I become willing. I become willing to go to any lengths. They talked to me about open-mindedness. And if I'm going to be open-minded, I'm going to have to accept that one thing that scares the hell out of me. That thing called change. I am uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable with change. And I hate the term all alcoholics, but I see evidence that quite a few of us are similar to me in that respect. That change bothers us. I don't... You know, I'll stay in a familiar situation even if it's uncomfortable. It's like... You know, it's like sitting... If I'm sitting on a tack, and it's gone through my pants and into my butt, and I'm bleeding and... You know, let somebody tell me, pull that out. No, it's mine. You know, I'll stay there. But if I'm going to be open-minded, I'm going to have to accept change. And it's better now than it ever has been. And part of being able to accept change in my life has being able to abandon myself to God as I understand Him. Because I now have trust. I have trust in God. And that is the strongest thing that I have in my life, is a complete and total trust in my God. And it has helped me with this business of change. You know, there used to be a saying, and I'd hear... I haven't heard this in a few years. It used to be, opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one. Some of the more spiritual members used to voice things like... I have, to the best of my knowledge, original equipment. But thank God, I do not have those same opinions. If somebody were to say, Jimmy, we've got this little pill, and if you take this, you can drink normally. You can go to the ball game and have a beer and a hot dog. No problem. The only thing is you're going to have to think. Like you used to think. And I would never do it. I could never put my mind back where it was. Alcoholics Anonymous has opened my mind and opened my life. I talk to you about trust. I can give you an example of my trust in God. When I was about three years sober, I had a really interesting... Well, it wasn't... Yeah, it is interesting now, but it wasn't then. I went to a doctor and the doctor told me that I had a problem with my blood that was potentially life-threatening. And I went home that night and I turned everything over to God. I turned everything over to God and I said, you know, this is your thing. I have no control over this. One of the sayings, we have an AA. If you're going to give it away, if you're going to keep it, you've got to give it away. That doesn't make any sense. I've been through a divorce in the state of California. That makes no sense. But that night, after I had talked to God and made my peace, I went to bed and the next morning I woke up. Now, my home group meets in a hospital. And there was this guy, probably the most obnoxious guy I've ever met in all of my time in AA. And he's a little bit of a short guy, like that. And he went through treatment there. I'd see him at meetings, just have his hand up like that. He came to AA to advise. And this guy had asked me to be his sponsor. Seven o'clock in the morning, bam, bam, bam, bam, on my door. I open up and here's this guy. He's one day out of treatment. What can we do for the alcoholic that still suffers? I said, oh my God. And I don't know what I told him. You know, go read the chapter of the asshole. I don't know. But I know he wouldn't go away. He was a student at the time and it was in the summer. I couldn't work and he was out of school. That guy stayed with me for one full year. At the end of that year, I gave him a one-year cake. The state of California admitted him to the bar. And the doctor told me my problem had taken care of itself. You see, the only thing I could do, the only thing that I had any power to do was to give of myself. That was all. The only thing. And I think if there's any sort of a judgment or any kind of a reckoning, that's how we will be judged. It's what we've done to give away. It's what we've done for another human being. I had this same sort of thing happen again this year. I had a stroke last August. And that's a frightening thing. I woke up and I couldn't move my arm and my leg and my mouth. It's all twisted up. God, what are you doing? Are you testing me? Or is this a test? I swear he could have asked me. I went through, as soon as I got out of the hospital, I went through the same sort of thing. Went right back down to the grove. I couldn't work, so I spent my time working with new people. Working with other alcoholics. At the end of a few weeks, I had a surgery. And what I thought was a terrible thing turned out to be a wonderful thing. It just really, it opened up my neck, and I've got blood up in my head now. And yeah, yeah. It didn't make me any stronger. It made me smarter, but at least I've got the energy to get out and be stupid. I thought this was terrible, but it, you know, it's turned out to be a wonderful thing. It got me to change my way of living. You know, I've made some big changes in the way I live, and I, you know, I'm different. One of the changes, one of those changes that I made, and this is how my thinking is different, is I quit smoking. And I used to get terribly angry when people would talk about smoking in an AA meeting. And I found that since I quit, it's just not quite as offensive. And that's how my, you know, that's how my mind changes from day to day. That epilepsy I talked to you about. When I was sober about three years, I talked to the doctor, and I said, Doctor, you know, I haven't done any, I haven't had any of these fits in some time. I used to have these really regular, they kind of became part of that one meeting. And, yeah. But, you know, I have to thank AA for helping me accept those things. See, I could never really accept them. They're frightening, and it's not people's fault. It's just hard. I could never go back to where I'd had one. And I, when I, when I had one, the first one I had in AA, I had found something that was saving my life. And I'm afraid to go back because I am afraid that people are going to look away from me. Yet I want to go back. And I remember it was so tough. I walked in that room, and probably a dozen people came up, and they shook my hand, and they said, Jimmy, we were hoping you'd come back. And a couple people come up and said, we've been knocking on doors because we thought we knew where you lived. See, that's love, and that's AA. And today I treat that problem just for what it is. It's a pain in the ass. It's nothing more. It's nothing less. But I used to, I used to have these, but they, and they stopped. And I asked the doctor, I said, what are the chances of these things never happening again? He said, in your case, nil. But, we have to do a brainwave test. And he called me that afternoon. He said, Jimmy, I don't have an answer to this. Everything with you, as far as your medicine and everything, is the same, but your EEG is markedly improved. See, he doesn't have an answer, but I do. And it's in the big book. And it says, when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. And today, I've got a driver's license, and I'm out there getting even. And, you know, and I, you know, and I, and I've got, you know, and I've got a car. We just, we just sold what it was like, and we bought Pat another car. And that was our, that was our old one. We called it what it was like. It had wine sores, and it was terrible. Look at it. In AA, I learned to love. I had never really cared for another human being. Not without a hook in it. Not without a hook in it somewhere. In AA, you taught me to love. That saying that says, you love me until I could love myself, and that's true. And it was hard. I come from an alcoholic family, and there wasn't a lot of affection. And I remember the first time a guy came up and put his arms around me. And, Jesus, he was a biker. And, he was about 6'4", he had a beard, and a biker suit on, and, and chains, and a knife, and boots, and whips, and he threw his arms around me and said, I love you, brother. This guy, this guy was right out of the Blue Oyster Bar, you know. I go, oh, you should. But what he meant is he really cared for me. And I have learned to love. I've met a woman in Alcoholics Anonymous who I married, and together we have a wonderful life. We do a lot of things. We are very, very active. I, I, one of my pet peeves is people that say, gee, there's nothing to do. Man, there isn't enough time to do it. You know, we, we do, we sail, we fish, we, we have a place in Mexico. We're involved in this and that, and the other, we had to cancel out of the, of that business, we're in Mexico, we're serving Roundup down in San Diego to be able to be here with you folks. We do, we're going. Do you even remember? I, I know for me, for a fact, that when I was drinking, I was always just about ready to do something. Do you even remember that? You know. It was, I was going to do this, and I was going to do that. And it was all going to start in the morning. And I could never break that terrible suction between my butt and the barstool. I was not going to be able to do this, and I was going to be able to do that. Rather than doing this, I was going to say, I'm going to do that, I'm going to do that. I could never break that terrible suction between my butt and the bar stool. Today, I'm free. Today, I am free. I have these friends, more friends than any one human being should have, has the right to have. And they're friends that would go to the wall for me, and I'd do the same thing for them. I work with a guy in AA. And this is a guy who's been with me through tragedy in my life, or what I perceive to be tragedy. And his question, whenever he has been told of a tragedy, is always the same. What can I do to help? And that is what I look for. He is one of the people I really look up to. I have another one who just moved. There are people... There are people who are with us, and they moved. They live in Indianapolis now, and this is the man that taught me to cry. I couldn't cry. I didn't cry until I was, I think, four years sober. I could never cry. And he taught me that it's okay. And I love that man very much. These are the wonderful things that have happened to me. The other night, Pat and I were at home. And we're watching television. It's, well, this has been several months ago. And it's, it was, it was still kind of the winter. And it was, it was cool outside, and we had a fire, and we're in our own home. And on the television, the movie, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest came on. I don't relate to that. I lived it. I have no... Known a dozen nurse ratchets. I lived there. And there is no way on this earth that a person can go from where I was to where I am now. It is impossible. Yet it happened. And it happens day after day in our lives. And that is the miracle of alcoholics. And that's what's here for each and every one of us. I love you all. Thank you.