Unblocking the Power – Steps 4 – 9 – Joe H.

that people have come up with to write inventory. And I've tried some of them. I've done the autobiography. I attempted once a some 172,000 question thing from somewhere and couldn't do it. I'd gone over all that and over all dat and over al dat for 12 years. And all I know about that is if anybody here can find an inventory other than this way, that has a set of promises attached to it that will absolutely happen if you write inventory that way? Every time you write imagery that way for anybody you ever see, write inventory in that way. I would love to try it. I'm open to that. But I haven't found an inventory with a set or promises that will actually happen when you do that other than this one in the short time that I've been sober. So, based on that and the experience I've had each time writing inventory this way. I continue to do it this way I've tried some different things with the basic format but I think what it talks about here on the bottom of page 63 is that this decision that we just considered at the third step on the top of 64 is a vital and crucial step, but it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in myself which have been blocking me. That was very important for me, that statement, because I thought once again I was going to have to go into the middle of all that stuff that I had just spent 12 years going through and work on it or cope with it or deal with it. And I remember my sponsor saying to me that there's two basic ways to go into inventory, frames of mind. And one is if you told a little kid to go clean his room and he thinks all he can do is move stuff around and rearrange it, that would be a terrible job and he wouldn't want to do it. But if you're told the same little kid, you get to go down to your room and you get throw everything out that you don't want anymore for all new stuff, he would go into that same room and he would be overjoyed. That would be wonderful experience for him. And then I should try to take that frame of mind into my inventory because it tells me exactly what inventory is. And it is an effort, and at some time it's strenuous. And the first one was very strenous. And it's a strenious effort to face and be rid of. It doesn't say a sternuous effort to pace and cope with the things we're having trouble with. It doesn'T say pace and deal with the things were having trouble within how we feel. It doesn' t say pace the patterns of your life so you can be more in touch with how you feel so you can work on it. It says, a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which have been blocking us from God, from myself, and from other people. An effort to Face Truth. A man said to me one time and it made really good sense that if you're seeking truth, you're speaking God because God is truth. And I don't know. I made that decision and I did the prayer and I got up off my knees and we talked a little bit and he started reading this to me about the inventory and it gets to the bottom of 64 and it talks about resentment being the number one offender and that it destroys more alcoholics than anything. Now, that's an interesting statement that resentment destroys more alcoholics than anything else. Even alcohol. Because from resentment stems all forms of spiritual disease. We are not only bodily and mentally ill, we are spiritually sick. And that's what we've covered all the way up to this point. The physical part, the mental part, the spiritual part. Now we're going to get down to the cause and the condition of my alcoholism. I think one of the things to be aware of But because they use it on the next page in the example of the three column inventory is not to confuse the second column as the cause of your alcoholism, because they call it the cause. It just happens to be and you later find out it isn't that isn't even true. The cause of the resentment that you think of at the time. But I think in the middle of the fourth column, which we'll get to in a couple of pages, which is not in the sample, but it says should be put down in black and white, the root or the cause, And in the third column, which they do give us an example of the condition of each area of my life and where these resentments have taken me. It was an interesting idea to me that resentment is a spiritual malady. I always thought resentment was an emotional problem or a mental problem because I feel it and I think about it. But to realize that a resentment is as a spiritual melody that shuts me off from this power that I so desperately need was an interesting idea, which I found to be true in writing. And he gave me one instruction at a time. And it's still the way I like to do it because to try to do all four columns with a name that comes takes me into four different frames of mind. So he gave me one construction at a time and said, in dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions and principles with whom we were angry. And I was instructed to go home and I started using the third step prayer in the morning and at night. And I came up with a little prayer to help me with inventory. Please help me face and be rid of the things that are blocking me from you. And each time I would sit, I would try to get centered. And I literally started to experience another type of prayer. And I literally started to experience the list, my resentment list, my first column coming from a place other than my head. I thought I was going to have to go back through my life and think up everybody that I was ever mad at or resentful of. And as I started practicing what I had done at the third step of going to a quiet place within and saying my third step prayer, I started to notice a prayer that was coming from here. And it would scare me a little bit and I would play with it once in a while and I Would say a few words of the third-step prayer and then I Would think a few Words and then i Would get quiet and i Would go to that place and i WOULD hear the words coming from Here and i Started to experience It's a type of prayer that I had never experienced before. And Don told me that I could begin to use that practice of getting centered and going to that place to watch for the difference between when my list was coming from that place or when it was coming form my head. And for a period of time, I think when you start inventory and you're working on this first column, I think it's a good time to carry a little pocket-sized notebook. and I would carry this little spiral notebook and if I was at work or in the car or having a meal or somewhere out of the house and a name would come, I'd put it in my little notebook and I'd take it home and Iwould put it on my list. And sometimes I would start with my earliest memory and Iwould just get centered and go to that place and names that I hadn't thought of in a long time would come. And sometimesI would start with today and go back to my earliest memory. And I think people are simple. I believe in going with what comes not to question it we'll do that in the next column I believe if a name comes you think of it as a gift and just put it down don't think well how do I still feel I don't feel that way about him anymore I'm over that why did this name come I believe if you're centered and you're in prayer and the name comes put it on your list and I think my first list was probably 300 I've seen people with less I've seeing people with a lot more. It's interesting to me that the the more introverted people, I had a librarian once and she does her life in her head. Humongous list. I mean, she would she would think herself above murder, but all she's done all her life is literally kill people here, just shut them out of her life. And they tend to think that the extroverted person who does it all out here is way beneath them and they would never do anything like that. But they just do it all up here they tend to get the big lists because their life has been in their head and us guys that do all the extroverted stuff and punch in the face and it's all right out here and boom have the shorter lists with probably more harm. That's questionable too though and we think we're way above the passive little wimps that don't do much and it is a funny thing to listen to when you are hearing footsteps. The passive thinkers thinking they're way above the aggressive doers and aggressive doer's thinking their way above passive thinkers, I believe just trust what comes. Institutions were a little complicated for me, and I just started some names that you know, there were drug programs that I'd been in and alcohol programs and parole and probation and some institutions were groups of people, Mexicans and Polacks and black people and smart people and dumb people and beautiful people and ignorant people and bigots and racists landlords and bill collectors institution of marriage principles I was even more confused about because I didn't get here with very many and Don explained to me that principles were values and beliefs that I was raised with that I at some time resented and values and believes that we're told in AA we need to live by to stay sober, which I think are really interesting. Now, I find that the longer people are around, the less people they have on their list and the more principles. And it's also interesting to me that every principle I've ever resented, if I look at the opposite of it and I'm honest with myself, I've also resented the opposite of it at some time. Love, you know, when it starts to choke you or confine you or make you feel like you're suffocating or hate or truth or lies honesty and dishonesty and selfishness and unselfishness all kinds of stuff came and I just listed them and I kept asking him how will I know when I'm done and as I said in going through this every year since that first one my inventories get shorter and my amends list gets smaller this last one this last inventory that was about 40 pages took three to I sat down three times for two hours and it was done. The last two before that, I spent a little time each day for five days. I'm not going back through that old stuff that I've gotten free of. There's new stuff that comes from the past. There's news stuff that come from people I've written about before because I'm still involved with them. They're still in my life. I kept asking him how will I know when the list is done and he just kept saying you'll know when you know the list. You'll know the rest is done when you now the list has been done. And one day I sat with it a few more times and nothing more came. And then there's really only one instruction for the second column and that is to ask yourself why you were angry. And this is where I enjoy it. So if I had this big list, let's say I have a list scattered on several pages and you don't need to worry about saving space or room or institutions in one column and principles and people in another. Just let it flow. You'll know when it's done. I was told to take the first name off my list and put it on the left-hand side of a piece of paper and number it and then just go next to it and letter them when she did this and when she didn't. When she did that and when they didn't do this and when THEY DIDN'T DO THAT and just let that second column flow. I never saw this until not too long ago, but Bill actually gives us two ways to do the second column in his example. I happen to like the first one with Mr. Brown because he does each resentment one at a time. pays attention to my wife, told my wife about my mistress and might get my job at the office. So he's looking at three separate resentments in the next example with Mrs. Jones. He kind of lumps them all together in one paragraph. She's a nut. She snubbed me. She committed her husband for drinking. He's my friend. She's agossiping. He just does one third column. I tend to like the first one where I take one resentment at a time. he was 57 years old when I was born I think what helps me with the second column especially with the things I do with the third column now that are somewhat intense I try to be specific without dragging it out I don't need to put when I walk walking down the street on the 2nd of May in 1979 he came up to me on the corner of Hill and 2nd and punched me in the face I just need to put down he punched me in the fac but I don' t also want to be too general like he's a liar. I want to put what he lied to me about that made me mad. So, I just let that flow. Some you only have one. Maybe all he ever did was steal $500 from you. Some, like the major people in your life, there could be A, B, C, D, there could быть 20 or 30. Like with mom or dad or sisters and brothers. I also believe in letting the second column just come. And I believe you can start to experience if you're practicing going to a quiet place within, you can begin to experience It's when you're thinking it up and when it's coming to you as two different experiences. And I tend to, when I'm back in my head and I'm trying to think up, I mean, if it's there, it's here. I tend of feel it more flowing when they're coming to me. And I like to do all the second column for everybody so I'm not changing my reference of thinking. So I like to do the second column for everybody. And that's where I get to bitch. That's where i get to take your inventory. That's what i can. That's why i get you continue to believe the lie. That's were i get stay in the line. But the reason for my resentment was because of what you did. But the but it's such a tricky process that it takes me to what i think is true and turns it into a lie and what i think is a lie, that I have any part in it turns into the truth. And what I thought was the truth turns into a lie. I'll give you an example from one not too long ago. Two years ago, I was engaged to be married and she left me. And for a couple of days, that was the true. And if you would have seen me and you would've asked me, you know, why are you hurting? Why are you in pain? Why you're upset. I would have told you what I thought was the truth. I would have said, I'm hurting because she left me. That's the truth, isn't it? That is the truth that's the true. That is the truth and I'm willing to die for. That is the true that I'm going to hold on to. That is the truth that I want to hold onto. That is my perception. So, for a couple of days I go around to meetings and I just milk the heck out of it, right? Oh, she left me. A friend of mine comes up to me and says, why don't you go home and write inventory about her leaving you? So I go home and I do what I was taught to do. And I put her name. We have a different way of saying it in our group, but I won't. Well, I put her name in the left-hand column of a piece of paper. And in the next column of the piece of paper, I put left me. Then I'm asked to examine six or seven different areas of self that were either hurt, threatened, or interfered with when she left me, and it says in most cases I'll find that it's either self-esteem, pocketbook, ambition, personal relations, sex relations, then in the next paragraph it's kind of confusing because they repeat themselves. They repeat self-esteem, Then they add one, number six, security. Then they repeat ambition, personal relations and sex relations again, which is kind of a confusing paragraph. But then way at the bottom in the example with his wife, they had one number seven that they haven't mentioned, which is pride. So I'm looking at seven different areas of self, self-esteem, ambition, pocketbook, personal relations, sex relations, security and pride. and I go through those and I ask myself when she left me or like when Mr. Brown paid attention to my wife Bill found that his sex relations and his self-esteem were hurt I go through there and I find that when she left me it affected my self-esteem which is how I feel about me it affected my pride which is how others feel about me definitely made me look bad right my ambition which is what I want affected that my security which is what I think I need affected that Personal relations, definitely. Sex relations, definitely. Pocket book, maybe not. And I found six out of seven. So I put those six down in the third column of a piece of paper. I'd like to talk just a little bit about that because in the last six years I've been doing something different with that that changed my entire experience with inventory and myself and other people and when I'm angry thinking that you're doing it to me It just changed a lot. And it came from some men and women that have been doing this work for a long time. And I guess in continuing to read this book and continuing to do the way Bill wrote it out here in three columns, even though there's another part that he mentions in a little while here, they started asking themselves with the bottom of 65 where it says, we went back through our lives, nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished, we considered it carefully. They started asking themselves, what does it mean when these three columns are done to consider it carefully? And they started asking yourselves. He also, if you notice in the example, he also, whenever he does a third column, when any one of those seven areas are hurt, threatened or interfered with, he also mentions if there's fear involved, mark it. And that gets a little redundant because what you find is anytime one of Those Seven Areas is hurt, threatened or interfering with, there's Fear. That gets a Little Redundant. But I guess that's what they wanted me to see, that whenever any of those areas, which are the major areas, which are almost every area of my life that I can think of. Whenever one of those áreas is hurt, threatened or interfered with, there's always fear. So I found I was just marking fear by every third column. But in asking themselves, what did they mean when they said when we were finished, we considered it carefully? They started to ask themselves, because the way I used to do it was I would read it to you. I was mad at so-and-so for leaving me. It affected my self-esteem, pride, ambition, security, personal relations, sex. And I would read those words to you, but there was never any connection to it. And after about two of those inventories, a friend of mine asked me once, he said, with all you've seen in the fourth column, which is looking at my part, selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and afraid, with all You've Seen in the Fourth Column as far as your part in either bringing it on or while it was going on or after it happened, your part, your stuff, what you did and all you've seen in that in these two inventories. If we took an example right now and he took the example of so-and-so leaving me and that affecting my self-esteem, he said, why do you think your self-esteem was hurt? And I said, because she left me. And that's the trap that he wanted me to fall into because he said also you're blaming your troubles with self- esteem on the person in the first column and what they did in the second column and what I was literally telling him that my problem with self-esteem when she left me was because she left Me. Then once again, my troubles are not of My own making. My problem with her leaving Me as far as it affecting My self-esteem were her fault. He said, What if you found a part of yourself that causes you to become angry when she Left You with what you think is the truth? Which is what I think is true as to why I'm angry. What if he said, What if You found that a part of you that causes you to become angry was hurt when she left you because it tells you that no one should leave you no matter what you do. And you're really the king of the hill and that it's not low self-esteem and that your self-esteem was not hurt because of her leaving you. Your self- esteem was hurt becauseof this belief system you have when you get angry. And I started to examine the third column from a from an ego belief system. and my ego wants to put down because I felt worthless, no good, rotten, piece of you-know-what or undeserving and she should have left me or what I thought. I thought I was no good and deserved to be left anyway and with that, I never get to anything concrete because what I think and how I feel is constantly changing. One minute, I'm a rotten, no good son of a gun. The next minute, I'm, you know, my thinking is never really concrete. It's always changing And we started to examine what the ego tells me that causes me to become angry. Because if you're at peace and somebody walks in the room and says, You know, Joe, you're full of you-know-what. Now, if I'm at peace, and I'm in a fit spiritual condition, I'm going to handle that one way or the other. I'm gonna ask them, Why are you saying that? It's not going to matter because I either know I am or I'm not. We're going to talk about it. We're gonna do something healthy, right? But see, when so-and-so walks in a room and tells me I'm full of, you-known-what, and I get angry, it's because there's a part of me in conflict. And the part of my conflict is the part that says, you know, nobody should really talk to you that way. You're such a fine, upstanding guy and you're really quite a hell of a guy that no one should really talked to you that way, and that's why I get that's why I got angry. So what comes off the end of my pen for the third column is when she left me and it affected my self-esteem. It always has to do with what my ego tells me I am. I am what does my ego tell me I am I am someone that no woman should leave no matter what I do don't think this is what I'm examining truth, this is where I'm examing the lies that my ego tells me and my pride, how you see me no one should see me being rejected by anyone my ambition is what i want, i want her to stay no matter what i do security, then you're up against the biggest lie of all because you're in direct conflict with your ego, the stuff that tells you you need to exist. And the biggest lie of all comes off the end of my pen. I need her to stay, to be okay. You know that stuff in the middle of the night where your ego tells you you literally need to coexist? It's never God. If I don't get that job, if I lose that money, if I don' t get her back, you won' t exist any longer. And personal relations, no friend should do that. Sex relations, Women are meant to be left, not leave. Women leave. Men leave women. Women don't leave men. And all these screwed up beliefs that I have that my ego tells me. Now, I was not able to do that the first time. What I was able to doing the first times was to write the two columns and put which areas of self were hurt, threatened, or interfered with. And we talked about that in the fifth step. I do not share that with people that are doing inventory their first time We talk about that in the inventory, in the fifth step. But for the last several years, I have been able to examine that and I have seen that when I can really see what I'm up against that causes me to become angry, I no longer think that it was her leaving me that affected my self-esteem. And once again, I get to get free because my troubles with her leaving me and it affecting my self esteem were not of her making. It was because of this belief system I have when I get angry. then it tells me it gives me some things I should be convinced of that my life when it includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness and what happens when I permit these resentments then it asks me to do two different exercises in looking back over what I've written one is kind of a if I'm to be free if I am to be free of this anger I turn back to what I have written and I try to look at it from another angle and I try to take a kindly and tolerant view and I tried to see this as a sick person like myself. How can I be helpful? They give me a prayer. Some people do that for every resentment before they move into the fourth column. I tend to do this little prayerful exercise whenever I get to the fourth problem and I can't see anything. I'm stuck. I try, I try and do this little prayer full exercise. So they take me through that. Then they take my to going back to what I've written once again putting out of my mind what they did. I resolutely look for my own mistakes and I write out where was I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and my fears. And I find that I I find those in the third column. My dishonesty. There's three types of dishonesty in my experience. There's the outright lies. I lied to her about this. I lied her about that. I lied or about this with explanations. I don't go along with the little check, fourth column checklist thing because it gives me nothing for my fifth step and it gives мне nothing to be clear on to make my amends. I think my book says that we... It says where not were we selfish dishonest. It says, where was I selfish? So I write explanations. As far as the dishonesty, I look at outright lies. I look AT the lies of omission that I used to think weren't as bad as the things that I literally lied to you about. what do you mean, honey? I was having an affair. I never told you. I didn't lie to you about it. I just never told you. That's just as dishonest as telling a lie. So I look at those two types of dishonesty and then I look for the self-dishonesty, the delusion. I thought I was so special she should never leave me. I thought that I needed her to be okay. I look up three types of dishonesty. As far as honesty, I think the best from these inventories that I've written, the best definition of honesty for an alcoholic that I have ever heard is that I will do what I say I'll do. I mean, I will say what I will do and I will do what I say I'm going to do. Because when I look at these inventories and where I cause harm, I've either not told them what I was going to do or I have not done what I said I was going to do. So I think the best working definition for me has been that I will say to you what I am going to do and I will do what I say I'm going to do. That works for me. So I'm exploring selfishness. It's What I wanted. I wanted her to stay. I only cared about how I felt. I only care about what I wanted, things that I did that were selfish and self-seeking the things I was after. Some people ask the difference between selfish and self seeking. I don't tend to try to figure out exactly where they belong under those two, but the best one I've ever heard is selfish is the stuff that I want to hold on to and not let anybody have and the self seeking are the things that I'm after that you have. But nowadays, I just try to get to, based on this resentment, what did I do? What did I shun her? Did I scream at her? Did I punch her? Did I shut her out of my life? What did it was I after? Then my dishonesty. And then I get to look at my fears. And I find my fears all the way through the third column and all the way through to the first part of the fourth column that I've written. And they just come out real simple fears with no explanation. Looking bad, not getting what I want, rejection, pain, being alone. And then I'm going to examine those in the next inventory. I do three separate inventories, resentment, fear and sex. Before I ask someone to write the fourth column, we go back to that statement on page 62. our troubles are basically of our own making and I ask them that before they start the fourth column because see, the fourth column can be one of two experiences. You can go into it with your ego and beat yourself up for what a rotten terrible person you are which is just ego. Or you can go into to get free to discover the truth about the lie and find out that she didn't leave me, that I drove her away, that my selfishness and my dishonesty and my self-seeking and my fear literally drove her away and the first two columns turn into a lie and the third column I've really seen the lies and the fourth column turns into the truth which I thought I had no part in. I thought my truth a few days ago was that she left me and that's why I was upset and I find that selfishness, self-centeredness, self-seeking, dishonesty and fear and these beliefs I have about myself and how you should see me and what I want and what it is and what they think I need were what drove her away. And I can either get free on that or I can make it into a grueling exercise of self-pity and destruction. So what I ask people to do before they start the fourth column is to go back to that statement, our troubles are of our own making and find the positive side to it before they stop. Before they start writing the fourth column. The negative side is, gee, look at what a rotten, terrible person I am. And the positive side is, thank God this problem with her was of my own making because she doesn't have to change, do a thing, come back, see the light or anything for me to get free. It was my stuff. And if this stuff can be healed, she doesn'T have to. I mean, if everyone in the first column of an inventory needs to do something for you to feel better and get free, you're really in trouble if your troubles are not of your own making. And it's an amazing thing for me To be able to say to you that from my first inventory, That big inventory. I couldn't find one resentment in my entire life where I didn't play a part. So you always get the standard question. How do you take the blame or how do you see your part when you were five, six, seven years old with all these terrible things that happened to some of us? Well, you can't. But you can see what you did with it for the next 30 or 40 years. It's literally held you back from a lot of people. Now, mine, I didn't have abuse or any of that stuff. But I had a resentment toward a father who was 57 years old to my earliest memory. So back to my oldest memory, I was able to see how I was playing God way before I ever took a drink. I thought I knew how old he should have been, what he should've been doing with me, how he shouldve been, and how selfish that was. And got to get free. And he'd been dead for nine years. And all I did was follow through five, six, seven, eight and nine in his grave. Did the ninth step at his grave and got free of a lot of blame. And I've heard a lot OF inventories and I've written several since. I've yet to find one where somebody can come up with a resentment we can't find some of their part in this fourth column. But it's not to take and beat myself up with. is to take and get free. It's for me to be able to be taken to a place where I can say, thank God. Thank God I had a part in this. Because I can get free now if this can be healed. They don't have to do a thing. She didn't have to come back. She didn' t have to beg for my forgiveness. She didn''t have to change. And I got free. They talk about looking at the word fear marked by the third column for each resentment and what this thing, this stuff, this fear does touches about every aspect of my life. And if I've written out the third column, I see where fear permeates those seven major areas of my life. Then they make an interesting statement about fear that I never understood. They say, didn't we ourselves set the ball rolling? We think fear ought to be classed with stealing. Now, I don't think they were writing this book for kleptomaniacs. I think they Were writing this book for alcoholics. And for me, stealing is a conscious decision. A friend of mine says to me one time, is it possible that fear is a cautious decision? We'll come back to that in a minute. But what it tells me to do in the next paragraph is to review my fears thoroughly and I find my fearless from my fourth column. I now use my third column to find those fears too. But I just want to look back through my resentment inventory and I want to start to make a list of general fears and not repeat themselves. You're going to find rejection in almost every one of them or pain or feeling bad or looking bad. I don't want to list those over and over. I just want to begin to make a general list of fears. I've never really found anybody with more than 100. There's only so many fears, and they're all through my resentment inventory. Some of them I had no resentment in connection with. So when I was done with that list and I'd gone through the whole resentment inventory, I said a prayer and I asked God to show me any fears that didn't make my resentment inventory and a few more came out. Heights, snakes, bugs. And I started to work with this general list of fears. I was told to go back through it and cross off any repeats. You don't need to put rejection from mommy, rejection from daddy, rejection from my girlfriend. I'm just flat afraid of rejection. And I think my first one I had about, I don't know, I had as many as my last one. But what you find out is that there aren't as many as you think. Because what the next instruction is with this general list of fears, however many you have, is to ask yourself why. So it kind of turns into a two-column inventory. And I don't go past finishing... I don' t go past the list until I'm done with the list. I take the first fear off the list, I put it on a piece of paper and I ask myself why. Why am I really afraid of rejection? Well, if rejection felt good, I wouldn't be afraid of it. So the reason I'm really afraid of rejection is it's painful, makes me look bad, I'll be alone, and it just comes out to a real simple second column. And I do that for each of my fears. Then I was shown a very interesting thing. I was showed that what I thought, from all these fears I found through my resentment inventory, what I though was about 50 fears, once I wrote the second column and looked back through the second colum, it was really only about 10. So the fear inventory begins to turn into like a playoff chart from a tennis tournament or a basketball series where you start with 36 teams and you end up with four or five or six. And I look through this second column and there's about 10 fears. I took those 10 and I wrote a second column on them and I saw that from those 10, there was really only about four. And I find that this big, huge mass of fear That I think I live with Is really only about a couple things And different people find their own truth in that It usually has to do with As far as I've been able to break it down For me now sober It usually Has to do With relying on self Or relying on God Or pain Or pleasure Or failure Or success Whatever word you put on It comes down to two basic things Whether to die an alcoholic death Or to live on a spiritual basis Every fear inventory I've ever written comes down to those two propositions. Whatever names you put on them when you break these down. And it even says, isn't fear because self-reliance fails? And we went back to that question. Is it possible that fear is a conscious decision? And I say to myself, I have never chosen consciously to be afraid of these things on my list. I never made a conscious decision to be scared or be afraid of heights or snakes or looking bad or they say, well, is it possible there's one decision you've made on a regular basis that sets up every fear you've ever had? And that decision that I've made on a regularly regular basis that is a conscious decision most of the time that sets off all my fears is to rely on self. And I start to see that isn't my fear because self-reliance fails. Fear doesn't I mean, self-reliance doesn't solve the fear problem or any other When self-confidence makes me cocky, fear is worse. Then it talks about some things I should be convinced of from the fear inventory and a new attitude to take. And then it talks About a sex inventory. Many of us like myself need an overhaul in there. We try to be sensible on this matter. It's easy to get way off track. One set of voices cry that sex is just a lust of our lower nature, the base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voice who cry for sex and more sex. We want to stay out of this. We don't want to be the arbitrator of anyone's sex conduct. We want us to stay away from sex. We want you to stay outside of this controversy. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. I had a friend that used to say, they tell you not to do your first year. Don't get involved for your first year, but nobody knows if that works because no one's ever not done that. The one I like is don't make any major decisions the first year and then a couple months later they're asking you to decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God. no big decision there right or don't make any judgments but stick with the winners that's confusing so as far as the instructions for the sex inventory one says that we reviewed our conduct over the years now I was told two different things about that I was called first of all to make a list of relationships I was taught this inventory is not about sex per se it is about motives in my relationships there were one night stands and people that I couldn't remember but I tried to go back through my life and I'm making another list by the time you get through with the eight step you will be so tired of making lists but you begin to trust that you know when those lists are done and I would pray and I Would get centered names would start to come I don't know how many I had my first one if I said it would I'm sure it would be over exaggerated anyway. And I had a lot less this last time. And that's not because I've become a modicum of health. So one, several times I was told to make a list and answer these nine questions and I would just do them in paragraph form. And there's nine questions with explanations. where was I selfish one dishonest two inconsiderate three who did I hurt I was told to look around the relationship too not just her her kids her boyfriend her mom or dad or sister husband where did I arouse jealousy suspicion or bitterness where was I at fault kind of some stuff to sum everything up I had seen so far and the one that you don't want to do unless you want to change and if you don't want to change in this area of your life don't answer and that is what should you have done instead and that's the only warning throughout all these inventory instructions and moving through my first inventory my sponsor said don't ask don't say don't answer this ninth question unless you want to change in this area and I wrote that out and began to form an ideal for the future and it says that in this way by answering In these questions, we're trying to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. It says that it is a chosen ideal. It saysthat it is an ideal that I should ask God to help me mold. Thank God it doesn't say what could I have done better? I couldn't have done anything better at the time with what I had. There's a lot I should have done better. And the other instruction that I've heard interpreted a different way with the first line is we reviewed our conduct over the years past, and that means to write specific sex conduct with each name that you have on your list and then answer those nine questions. So I now do both. I make the list and I trust what comes. I write a brief history about that relationship, my motives for getting involved, the specific conduct that went on, whatever comes, where it is now or how it ended. And then I answer the nine questions, but I basically try to stick to that paragraph. And sometimes I've done it in nine columns. Sometimes I've done it in paragraph form. But I try to stick to those basic nine questions. And I usually try to mark in some way question number nine. And then when I'm through all of them, come back to what should I have done instead to use as a guide for choosing my ideal for the future. Based on what I saw, I should have done with each of those. Sometimes it was as simple as this. What should I I've done instead, I shouldn't have gotten involved with them in the first place. Right. Sometimes there was things I should have been more honest. I should've been more open and considerate of what she wanted, her feelings. And from that, I can use that as a guide to write out. And I do write out because I love to see what happens with this. And it's the only part of the inventory that I keep after the eight step is done. I love to see what comes from the ideal that I have chosen each time. It doesn't mean the ideal woman. It's not my picture of an ideal woman. It is the ideals that I would like to bring into my future sex life of what I would love to be. I would want to be more kind. I would to be open, honest, etc., etc. I guess the only other thing that I've ever done any different or that I've ever been asked to do once all three inventories were done and the sex ideal was written. And sometimes you find that after all this stuff is out and down in black and white, it's like layers of stuff. One layer comes out and there's another layer there. It's interesting how the book breaks down the inventory because it starts with what we think we're mad at and it takes us to what really caused the anger in the first place. It's like peeling away an onion And then you find that behind every one of those resentments, not only was it your part in it, but there was fear involved. And then they say, well, now let's look at fear. And then You get through fear and You find out that's the stuff that motivated every relationship. And then They say, now, let's get to this core, this base instinct stuff. And it's literally like peeling away an onion. And the only other thing that's interesting, sometimes it's never there until the inventory is done, are any secrets or stuff that I thought I'd take to my grave or anything that I'm consciously aware of that's not in the inventory that I need to admit. And there were some of those the first time and since then there's been some, sometimes. I usually can get to it in my writing. I believe if inventory is written without an intent that I am writing inventory to discover the truth of what's blocking me from this power that I needs I believe inventory turns into a terrible thing. I believe if you're using inventory to solve problems, all you end up with is a new line of bull. That the middle steps are not to be used to solve problems. Four through nine. Four through nine are to face and be rid of the things that are blocking me so I can be closer to this power. I've tried to write inventory to solve problem and all I ended up with was a whole new belief system whether it worked or it didn't. I also believe if you make this decision at the third step with any kind of sincerity at all and don't start inventory or start a little piece of inventory and then stop, you might as well have not started it at all because you will literally watch the inventory go on in your life without you just because you're not putting it down in black and white. I believe there's a part of us engaged in the inventory process whether we're putting it down on paper and if we don't finish it or if we start it and stop you literally watch the inventory happen in your life and all you see is resentment and dishonesty and selfishness and fear I have seen people stop in the middle of inventory and become physically ill seriously ill drink that's why I think it's so crucial at maybe around the third step or even to give yourself the dignity at the very beginning to really decide is this what you want to do and decide into that and then maybe reaffirm that before you take the third step. I would rather see someone not even begin inventory or make any kind of a third-step decision than to get partway through it and stop. My first time, I got tired of doing little bits of it at a time and finally took three weekends and stayed home and finished the fourth column and got through resentment and started to balk. And it was only a couple weeks and almost got arrested for some gambling that I had done earlier in my sobriety. And I went to Don and I said, I'm in the middle of this fear inventory that I refuse to finish and I'm going to get arrested for gambling. He said, what a great thing to happen in the Middle of a Fear Inventory that you won't finish because you'll either do one of two things. You'll either run or you'll finish it. And it moved me back to finish my fear inventory and then I stopped again partway through my sex inventory and two women called me the same day that one I had been involved with earlier a few months and one I was currently involved with and they were both pregnant. And I called Don and I said, I'm in the middle of this sex inventory and I haven't written for a few weeks and two men that I've gotten pregnant called me and said what a great thing to happen in the midst of this in the Middle of a Sex Inventory that you won't finish. He said you'll either run or you'll finish. And that moved me through. But it's not necessarily a great time around the house either. That's why I don't play with inventory anymore. The last three inventories, I have set the day that I was going to... I mean, I would take the third step. I would get to inventory and I would decide when this is going to be done. The last two were done in five days. The last one was six hours over three different days. I don'T like to stay in inventory. it tells me exactly what to do when that inventory is done and it tells me why the best reason first many who have skipped this step have drank trying to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives they've sought out easier methods it once again like inventory tells me why I'm going to fifth step to get a new relationship with my creator and discover the obstacles in my path I like from about it seems like from four on they tell me why each step I'm doing it not time to read all this but it talks about picking the right person it talks a lot it talks about a closed mouth understanding friend it talks about this is a little off but it talks about the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step and because of the interest I've had and some of the people I know that do this work back a few years ago there's a man in Chicago named Paul Martin and a lot of people around this country fly up there and go through the first three steps with his group and then go home and write inventory and you come back and over a weekend they'll put you up in a motel and they'll send eight or nine strangers by your motel and you read your fifth step to them one at a time from newcomers to Paul. I didn't go and do that, but I wanted some people in Los Angeles to know me on that level. Not this last fifth step I read to one man. The two before that, one I read to five people one at a time. Two of my best friends and three people that I had worked with. I've read one to a woman which was an amazing experience and the other four or five or six before that were to one man and that came from a day of waking up and being trapped by the ego and my ego said there's only one man in this country you can go read this inventory too and that's don p in denver and the next thought was if you believe that you're dead and if you don't let some other people know you on this level it's going to kill you because what happens if don is gone and that was at six that was that about five years sober and um that year read my fist up to two men that I had worked with at one time. I've had times where writing inventory, I want to lock it up in a safe in my room and I would no way think of letting anybody see this. No one should find it. It's locked in my briefcase, in the car, in the trunk. No one's going to get to this inventory. And I finish writing and I take it to somebody and I read it and the next day there's not one thing in there that I couldn't say to anybody in the whole world. And you get free. I've never come out of a fifth step feeling bad. I've ever come out of a first step not feeling free. Talks about when we decide who's going to hear this, we waste no time. We have a written inventory. We're prepared for a long time. We're preparing for a lot of talk. We explain to the person what we are about to do and why we have to do it. And he should realize that we are engaged upon a life and death errand. Most people approached in this way will be glad to help. They will be honored by our confidence. If you would have said to me that a year ago, I'm sorry, if you would've said tome a year go that I would one day fist up with an American Indian man on top of a 13,000 foot peak overlooking Pikes Peak in Colorado Springs, Colorado. I would have said you were crazy. There's no way I was open to anything like that. If you would have said to me four years ago you're going to fist up with somebody other than Don P. I would've said you're crazy. I can't do that. And every time I wanted to get free the same voices that are out in the meeting where I talk about wanting to get freedom aren't the voices out in the meeting. They're the conflict within me. And there's always the voice that says, you can't do that. And there is always those of you and the voice within that says go for it. You really want to get free? I think every conflict that I experience outside of me is some kind of conflict that I'm experiencing outside of my life. I've yet to experience any conflict that wasn't something that was going on inside of me. When there was people at the meeting when I said I wanted to go to my dad's grave and make amends, and they said you can't make amens to someone who's dead, and the other part of the room said, Go for it, son. You can go to his grave and you can do what you were told to do. That wasn't a conflict in the meeting. That was my own conflict. And when I thought there's no way you can go up to the top of this mountain with an American Indian man and sit and read a fist up, And that wasn't because there was people telling me I couldn't do that. That was because there's a part of me that believes what it believes, that doesn't want me free, that wants me confined with prejudice, culture, old ideas. Old ideas aren't that bad anymore. It's the new old ideas the worst ones are the ideas based in virtue I used to have this black and white mind that thought anything negative is all negative and anything positive is all positive for example self-will is all bad and helping others is only good and it was a one-sided mind and I couldn't see the duality of things and in writing inventory I wonder why the seventh step talks about the good and the bad. And I wrote in some inventories some stuff about self-will that did a lot of good. What do you think newcomers are really attracted to here? If we were all saints, do you thing they see our holiness or our spirituality or how great we are or do they see themselves? and I saw even though I don't like when self-will causes harm a lot of my self- will has done a lot of good and working with others and trying to be helpful has sometimes kept me from looking at myself and it's been able to be used to keep from doing that and that there can be negative in that and that within every negative there's positive and within every positive there's negative and started to see things with a different mind so you come to this place of admission to someone else and of course it should be of your own choosing someone that you trust but it's a powerful place to come to admit truth it's not like anything I ever did in therapy it's like anything I ever didn't group because my intent is different my sponsor I've had all these years and the man I just did a fifth step with in June they have both and the other people that I've done this with, they have always made me feel honored that I would trust them on that level. And they have always helped me feel that we're involved in a spiritual activity with myself and them and God present and that this stuff was about admitting truth to seek that power not to analyze, not to figure out so we can work on it. I had a young man not too long ago with quite a bit of sobriety. And we did a lot of work together and he put a lot of time into inventory and he came over to my house and we started to read this inventory and when you've done this for a while and you've watched fifth steps rather than just doing your own, you've heard other people's, you watch for something to happen and what you watch for is you watch for them to begin to crack and the ego begin to crack. And as he was reading it was clear as a bell. What he had written was clear and it was starting to happen and I was watching it happen. And once in a while, he would want to stop me and move out of it by saying, do you want to help me see anything with that? I'd say no. It's clear. Keep reading. A little while later, he'd say, do you Want to help Me See Anything With This One? What he wanted to do was he wanted information so he could go fix it. He didn't want to experience the experience. He wanted more knowledge about it. And I'd Say No. But if he wasn't clear, we would talk about it But it was clear as a bell. The first day we weren't done yet and he went home and he came back the next day and I said, describe what last night was like. And he said it was like I was experiencing my own death. And I said great, that's what inventory is. That's what the fifth step is about. To experience the death of an old being that you want to get rid of. That's What Six and Seven are all about. We started the next thing and he would read it and it would begin to happen. I could feel it. He'd say, you want help me see anything with this one? No. How about this one? No. And I told him when we were done that what he wanted during that fifth step to keep away from seeing truth was information so he could go work on it. And that I wasn't going to do that for him. And I really thought something happened because when he was asked this question at the end of the fifth step, have you withheld anything? See, there's some more promises that can come true here. He said, I haven't withheld a thing. broke down a little bit and there was some type of surrender. And I'm told to go home and find a place where I can be quiet. Take the book down. Carefully review what I've done. Some people think this is the beginning of the sixth step. I think it's the end of the fifth step. It doesn't really matter. But it talks about reviewing what you've done It talks about stones and it talks about cement. And if you haven't been thorough up to this point You don't know that at the second step where you were willing to believe, they called that the cornerstone. And you don't knows that at third step when you made this decision, they call it the keystone of this arch they start to talk about. And you dont know that on page 17 they told you the two parts of the cement that bind us. The common peril and the common solution. And if you were to go home and just do this part from the book and you got two other stones properly in place, Have you tried to make cement without sand? Have you try to skimp on the mortar? You wouldn't know what these analogies are about, but it's about reviewing what you've covered so far. And this cornerstone of willingness and this keystone of this third step decision and this idea that we suffer from not only a common problem, but we have a common solution as a cement to this arch. And it goes through that. And then I believe between page 75 and page 76, there's a major shift. And I believe the shift is they now ask you to begin to trust this power. It's actually one of the promises back on 75 that you might have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now you begin to have a spiritual experience. And I think there's an important part of that. There's a shift from 75 to 76 where up to this point, they've told you you can't trust your own mind. Look what you do with your thinking. now they ask you to start to trust that. To start to trust that you've been given something to move through this work that you have done. That there really is something there. Because they say after doing that review, when you have answered to your own satisfaction trust that and look at these six step questions. They say that willingness once again is indispensable. And they raise a question. Are you now ready to let God remove from you all the things that you have admitted are objectionable? to consider that. They raise another question. Kenny, now take them all, every one. We add one from the ABCs and from the 12 and 12 along with Kenny would be will he for me? I've never gotten through five and looked at six and had a problem with Kenny because I've seen it in your lives. But I've always had to consider a little bit with faced with all this stuff with mud on my face with all these people with all of this stuff I've just admitted in step five Will He for me? And then it tells me what to do if I still cling to something I'm not willing to let go of. I ask God to help me be willing. And then It asks me to trust again and when ready, to do the seven-step prayer. That I've always done alone and that has always been really personal and very powerful. And I don't mess around between for very long. As I said earlier today, I do not list defects and ask my sponsor what order I'm going to work on them and presume that I can work on it. I've tried that before, and it turns into one of those carnival things where you pop this one down and this one comes up, and then you pop that one down, and this ones comes up. I think six and seven are about God working. I think 6 and 7 are not a place to stop for very long, although there might be for some of us serious considerations between returning home and the six-step questions and being ready. I had an idea at one time that being ready meant I'd answered yes to all those questions and that I had to be a good boy to go to step seven. I found out one time ago, not this time but the time before, that when ready means where I am and that there was a few things I wasn't willing to let go of and I didn't answer yes to all of those questions and I moved on anyway and I did the seven-step prayer and I don't have to be a good guy to go. I'm a good good boy to go up to God and took it on that basis. And I think you know when you've done six and seven, when you got a piece of paper and you're doing an eight-step list. And I find that eight-stepped list from my inventory. It says we made it when we took inventory. And I work on that list until I've gotten every name of every person and every institution that's in that inventory. And I put them on a piece de paper. And then I say a prayer. and now I've had experience with these lists. And I say a prayer and I ask for anything else that I've ever harmed that wasn't maybe in my resentment inventory and I get some more. I don't think financial amends are the most important. You know which amends I think is the most important? The next one. I mean, there's people I owed money that I didn't harm close to what I did to my family and some of my friends And some of them, I find out when I go to them, some of the ones I thought were big deals, they didn't even remember who I was. And some I thought I hadn't really heard at all, I had really hurt. So I start making this list. It's interesting sometimes for those of you that have been around for a while, if you do another inventory and there's a lot of principles in that inventory, make a list of principles that you've harmed and ask yourself how you can make amends for that. I try to stick to people and institutions and money, financial stuff. And I find it in my inventory if I've been thorough. Then there's an exercise that Don gave me that I didn't think was in the book that he did in the Colorado State Penitentiary because they couldn't get out right away when they had done this work. And that was that when my amends list was done, to go through each one and picture that person, get centered, say a prayer, picture that face-to-face, person face to face and ask myself, am I willing to do whatever this person might ask to make right or wrong? And just mark it plus or minus whatever comes. And I found out later that it says here at the bottom of 76 as we look over the list. So they're asking me to look over this list. We may feel misgivings about going to some of them or diffident about going into some of them. And if it comes that I'm not willing, I put minus. I don't try to change that when it comes. So I end up with this list of everything that I'm aware of, with a plus or minus by each one. And I've gone through and I've asked myself, am I willing or not to do what this person might ask? So my next question to Don was, how in the world will I ever get the willingness to do the ones I put a negative by? He said, by doing the ones you put a positive by. And i found that as i moved through the amends that i'm willing to do, those minuses start to change. Then we do something in our group just to be a little more complicated. We take the names off that list and we put it on a three-digit list.