Two White Chips in Two States — I Kept Insisting I Was Alcoholic but Not Powerless – Sharon F.

Let's have an AA meeting. My name is Julie and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. She has a lot of experience and a lot of time to share with us, so I'll give you sharing. Thank you. And thank you for having me tonight. I really appreciate this opportunity to speak and share my story. It's always an honor to be asked to be a part of Alcoholics Anonymous and share our stories, and it seems like I always hear something I need to hear, and I hope that someone out there will be helped by something I say, if just one person. My name is Sharon Friant, and I am an alcoholic. And I wanted to just, I saw this recently, and I thought, well, I could just read this and sit down or tell the part about the recovery. But it was so powerful, and maybe some of you can. I think that this might relate to you. Memories of Alcohol. I drank for happiness and became unhappy. I drank for joy and became miserable. I drank for sociability and became argumentative. I drank for sophistication and became obnoxious. I drank for friendship and made enemies. I drank for sleep and woke up tired. I drank for strength and felt weak. I drank for relaxation and got the shakes. I drank for courage and became afraid. I drank for confidence and became doubtful. I drank to make conversation easier and slurred my speech. I drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell. Author unknown. That could have been authored by any one of us in the chair tonight. I mean, at least that's my story. And I was born in Florida in Jacksonville in 1948 into a seriously alcoholic family and home. Not my mom, but my dad. Not my dad's side of the family. And I can say that about him because he said that about himself. And his relatives, his brothers and sisters and so forth, there's just a really long, long history of alcoholism on his side of the family. His dad died of alcoholism. I never met my grandfather at 42 or 43, I think. I'm not sure. And my father died at 52 of alcoholism. My aunt died at 29. He died of cirrhosis of the liver, his sister. And several other of his brothers and sisters died of alcoholism. One of his sisters died a couple years back with over 40 years of sobriety and alcoholics anonymous. He was the only one that recovered and was in AA to do that. But I say all of that because you would think with that knowledge and what I had seen that I would never pick up a drink in the first place. But my thought was, I'll never drink like him. I will never do to my family what he has done to our family. And I loved him dearly. He was like so many of us. When he was good, he was very, very good. And when he was bad, he was awful. Just terrible. And he was violent when he drank. Not with me so much, but with my brothers and my mom. So I would watch this unfolding in childhood and think, God, he really is... He's a really seriously bad alcoholic and I am not going to drink like that. I just can't believe he can't stop. But I did know he couldn't. There was something in watching him that you saw he couldn't stop. It was getting worse and so forth. And so I just had those thoughts of, I'll never be like that. But I never had the thought of, I won't drink. It was always, I won't drink like that. Never crossed my mind. In fact, I looked forward to starting my drinking. My age of drinking. I couldn't wait to be 21. And I remembered not too long ago, some years ago, that I used to practice drinking. I played drinking when I was a child. I don't know if any of you guys did this. We had these old fashioned wine glasses and I would fill them up with grape juice. And I was about 9, 10. And watched the Saturday morning cartoons with grape juice and a wine glass. And then I had watched my dad and the way he drank. So I would also have his shot glasses and I would put apple juice in them that looked like his Seagram 7. And that's how he drank. He drank shots until he started drinking straight out of the bottle. So I would put those little shot glasses up and put apple juice in them. And you know, watch the Lone Ranger or whatever happened to be on. My friend Flicka. And have myself a little party and pretending to drink. So that should have been a bit of a red flag. But it wasn't. And so when I began to drink in high school, as we all do start experimenting at some point. I was, and I had a terrible experience the very first time. For me there was no social drinking. I hear some stories where, you know, and everybody's different. Where it's, you know, they did pretty well and they did this and that. And just progressed. And then one day, you know, it was just terrible. That wasn't my experience. I drank alcoholically from day to day. One. And my girlfriends and I, we were at the beach and having to spend the night party. And we went out to the beach to drink. And they were saying, we were 14, freshmen in high school. And they were saying, okay, we need, you know, my girlfriend was going to steal the liquor from her dad. And then they were planning all these things about we need orange juice and we need cups. And we're going to need some ice and yada, yada. Well, we're going to have to climb into these mangroves and hide. To drink, of course. And I looked at everybody and I said, are you kidding me? Carrying all this stuff into the mangrove? We don't need any of that. We only need one thing and one thing only. And that's the vodka. And they kind of looked at me like, well, why didn't we think of that? And that's exactly what my alcoholic mind thought. You know, why would I want orange juice and ice? I want one thing because I wanted to get drunk. I wanted to drink for the effect. And we did. And not only that, I had my first blackout. We nearly died that night. My best friend and I, who might be joining us in this room one day, she hasn't so far. But she drank the same way I did. We both were in a blackout. And we both decided it was a great idea to go night swimming in the ocean, which is not a great idea under any circumstances. But particularly when you can hardly walk. You're so drunk. And fortunately, the guys were there. And fortunately, the guys had gotten wind of the party. And they pulled up. And we were in trouble, big trouble. And we were, I couldn't walk, much less swim. And I'm not a great swimmer when I'm sober. So, you know, we were really on the way out. And so I just remember their car pulling up into the surf and them jumping out. It was very dramatic. And pulling us out of the surf and pulling us into the car. And the next day I thought, man, that was so much fun. I cannot wait to do this again and again and again. You know, I did not, I just experimented for a while. I did not really pick up my drinking at that time. There were just these little sporadic test drives where they're always the same story. Drunk, blackout, you know, wild excursions and thinking it was a lot of fun. When I went to nursing school, when I graduated from high school, my dad did take a geographical cure. We moved to Albany, Georgia. And that was pretty horrendous for me. I'd never had to make friends. All of a sudden I'm in southwest Georgia. I don't know anybody. I'm coming in hip, slick, and cool from Jacksonville, Florida. I'm this surfer girl. And, you know, they are in a time warp. And it was terrifying. And I would just pace myself on the brick wall at the high school in the mornings and wish so much the bell would ring. Because nobody was talking to me. Nor was I. Nor was I talking to anyone. It was kind of cliquish. And I really had that feeling of tremendous insecurity and low self-esteem and just wanted to hide. So that was kind of interesting. Then I did meet up with a boyfriend who would be a pattern for me of just latch on to a guy that can do all these things for you. And he was kind of in with the in crowd. And that's what I did. And, boy, did I latch on. You know, I didn't want to let loose of him. I had this inside secret of you can't take care of yourself. You'll never be able to support yourself. You'll never be able to live on your own. You have to have a man. And, actually, that was supported by my mom who came from that generation. She had said that for years. You know, you need a man. You know, Sharon, that's great. You want to go to nursing school. That's good. But you need a man. You know, be looking for a doctor while you're there. And so that was there. But I don't even know if that would have been, you know, I can't say that's the cause of it. It did fertilize it. But I already had that feeling that I need someone to take care of me. I'm not capable. And so he went to Emory University. And that's how I picked St. Joseph's Nursing School. I didn't want to get too far away. And so when I got there, my drinking did take off. It was out of the gate. First night at nursing school. Went out. And this would be a long history of just the same thing over and over and over again. But I went into a blackout. And we were at a place called Ruby Red's Warehouse. It used to be in downtown Atlanta. And all the nursing students, you know, seniors were taking the freshmen out to show them the ropes. And I don't even remember how I got into my predicament of being in the car with some strange man who was taking me back to the nursing dorm. And I know this. He wasn't my age. He was definitely not my age. And he was probably in his 30s or plus. And I just remember, thank God he took me back. I mean, you know, I could tell you a million. I was like, somebody said to me one time, and this will really age me. But they said, you're just like the woman in Looking for Mr. Goodbar. Some night you're not going to come home. Some night they're going to find you with your throats slit at the very least. So I got back. The nuns didn't take to me coming in like that too much. And so I was in trouble. I was already in trouble, you know, right away. I was lying. The boyfriend called from memory looking for me. I lied. I said, you know, I wasn't feeling well. And, you know, we have a lot of access to drugs here at the nursing school. And one of the seniors gave me something. I'm not sure what. And it has really made me slur my words. And he didn't believe me. I don't think. But, you know, I'm lying. I'm covering it up. I'm lying. I'm going home with strange people. Don't remember half the stuff. And then alcohol started making decisions for me. Because I was an alcoholic drinker from the get-go. I had wanted to be a nurse, actually had wanted to be a nurse my whole life. And I actually wanted to be a doctor. But I didn't think I was smart enough to do that. So I would just, not that nurses aren't smart. But I was so terrified of that idea, I just said, well, I'll be a nurse. And then, you know, in spring, we were going to have to take chemistry. And this is where the alcohol started making more and more decisions. I quit nursing school, something I had wanted to do my entire life. And I was afraid I would fail chemistry. And then they would all know. They would all know she's really not very smart. She doesn't belong here. And I said to the administrators, to the nuns when I was resigning, I said, well, and told everybody this. My parents and anybody that would listen. I am going to have to quit nursing school. I've discovered I am much too compassionate. And some nurse, nun had planted that seed in my head. Because I used to want to go visit my patients all the time. And she said, you can't do that. You've got to toughen up. You can't go see them on your time off. No. And so I used that. I'm much too compassionate to be a nurse. I'd love to be one. It's just I don't have that quality of being able to do that. I don't want to just be nurse ratchet. I don't. And so I'm lying, lying, lying. The truth was I was afraid of failure. And I made a decision to quit something that I had wanted my entire life. My father came and got me. And, you know, God love him. He never judged me. He never came and got me. He didn't question me a whole lot. He just came and got me and took me back home and gave me a minute to sleep overnight. And then said, now I'd like for you to have an application to college ready by the end of the year. By the end of the week, along with a job. And he was the kind of person, alcoholic or not, that when he said you do something like that, you need to do that. So I did. And I only applied to one school, University of Georgia. I got accepted. Got a job. And when I got to Georgia, it was wonderful. I didn't stand out. I had arrived. This was fabulous. But I still had those feelings of I don't belong here. Somebody's going to find out. I'm not really that smart. Be sure you don't take math. For God's sakes. I changed my major three times to avoid taking math until I finally settled in on a new major that's not so new now called recreational therapy. Which was very appropriate considering the things I was doing. I was already highly qualified. I didn't really need a degree to have that title. And so, and the boyfriend had come over from Emory. He was now at Georgia too. So I started doing a lot. I was sent to the Dean of Women for drinking. That is very difficult to do at the University of Georgia. Especially back in 1967. It was quite an accomplishment. And my advisor was starting to talk to me about it. Stories were getting back to her. She actually was a seed planter for me. She said, could you possibly have a drinking problem? And I said, absolutely not. And I mean, come on. I'm 19, 20 years old. I'm not doing anything that anyone else isn't doing. She said, oh yeah, I think you are doing some things other people aren't doing. And so, you know, people were confronting me already. Thank God. Telling me the truth. And those people, those little seed planters would come back to gnaw at me later on. So when we left the University of Georgia, my boyfriend was drafted. He had gotten drafted into the Army at that time. And was going to Vietnam. And he actually went into the Air Force not to have to go in the Army. We were actually draft resistors. And we marched. We were people that marched. So we were going to Canada, actually, until his parents kind of did a reality story with us. And said, well, you know, that's great. You can choose to do that. But, you know, you're giving up your citizenship. You're going to be a deserter. You can't come back home once you cross the border. So we decided the Air Force might be better. And he ended up there. And he ended up getting a medical discharge for a lot of reasons. And so we got married. And it was like ding, ding, ding, ding. Now, he was already thinking about withdrawing from this lifelong commitment. Because of some things that were happening that were getting more and more serious. But I was able to convince him that, you know, that once we got married, all that would be different. We'd settle down. And I'd be a good wife. Yada, yada. So he did marry me. And we taught school in Augusta. And we got very involved in a church, doing a folk choir there. And something about the church, my faith and my Catholic church parish, I did stop drinking like I had been. There was that spiritual connection that did tamp it down somewhat. But it didn't extinguish it. It just tamped it down so that the escapades and the seriousness things that were happening weren't quite as serious. And then my husband and I. And then my former husband is an entertainer in Atlanta now. But he and his partner wanted to go on the road. And we really didn't have any kids or commitments or anything. So it was the 60s. We said, I said, great, let's do that. That sounds fun. And we were going to San Francisco to Haight-Ashbury. And decided that would probably not be a good idea. And thank God we decided not to. The only reason we didn't go there is because it was so far away from home. And they decided, well, what if we don't make it? And then we're 3,500 miles from home and family and don't have any money. Maybe we should start out in underground Atlanta. Had we gone there, I don't think I'd be standing here to tell the tale. Because back then Haight-Ashbury was wide open. And I don't think I would have survived that. I am a straight-up alcoholic. But, hey, who knows what would have happened out there. I could have probably been persuaded to do most anything. And so we did start out in underground Atlanta. And that was also like the University of Georgia. I worked at Muellen Brinks as a cocktail waitress. And he was at PJ Kinney's doing the entertaining. And it was not outstanding at all to be there at 4 o'clock in the morning every single night, seven days a week, drinking for free. And I'm really grateful for that. I honestly believe that lifestyle escalated me to the bottom much, much more quickly than if I had just been like a quiet closet drinker at home. Which I never was, by the way. You know, it could have taken me years, if ever. Or I probably would have died in my closet. But I was out and about doing things. And so I'm really grateful for that lifestyle. You know, we didn't have kids for a long time. And we were traveling all over the country. We lived in Colorado in the winters and the summers. And they performed out there. And it began to happen again. All the time. All of these escapades and things that were not socially acceptable. And, you know, being naked in the elevator when there was 100 people in the lobby. And it just seemed like a good idea at the time. And, you know, things that were embarrassing to him and to me were happening more and more. So when I got pregnant, I thought the same thing as when I got married. Well, now, you know, I've always wanted a child. This is going to be the cure-all. So I will get married. I mean, I will have this baby. And everything will be different. Because I'm not going to do to her what my father did to me and to us. And I did stay sober during my pregnancy. I really wanted this child more than anything. And so, you know, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I didn't drink. And what that did, unfortunately, was convince me beyond a shadow of a doubt that I really wasn't powerless over alcohol. Because after all, I stayed sober pretty easily for 9 or 10 months. It wasn't that hard. And then after she was born, you know, I was nursing. And also, I also stayed sober for a while until the big kaboom came as it always does. What I didn't know at that time that I learned after I got here was that it's a progressive and fatal disease whether I'm drinking or not. And that during that time of being sober, my disease was escalating. And also, you don't pick up where you left off. You pick up as if you've never stopped. And that's what happened. When I drank again after I had that little dry spell, it did go kaboom. Now, by this time, I'd already visited AA twice. And I do mean visited. I was in trouble with my husband and had done something really unacceptable. And in 71, before I had my baby, I went to Glen Haven, Stone Mountain. And I went to this meeting. And poor boy Rice, who some of you may remember, was telling his story in overalls. And he didn't have any teeth. And there was a big meeting, a lot of people. They seemed really excited I was there, thrilled that I picked up a white chip. Which I am a pretty big people pleaser, so I'm happy to make them happy and did so. And thank you, thank you. Then he tells his story. And I'm thinking, my God, these are real alcoholics. He starts sharing about, you know, he killed his mother in the accident, in the automobile accident. And he went to prison for vehicular homicide. And he was real country and, like I say, no teeth, big overalls. And I thought, my God, these are serious alcoholics. Thank God they've got them off the streets. These are the real deal. It is great they have a place for them to go because they're serious. They should not be out there drinking. Check you later. I'm off to bail. Bye. And, you know, I was only about 22 or 23 at that time. And then the second time before my child was born was in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. And I had gotten very violent with my husband. Which I had never done before. And this man is not a violent type. He's very kind of a southern, genteel fellow and doesn't like that kind of thing. And somehow I had attacked him in the elevator in front of all these people. I was in big trouble again, of course. So I called this central office number in Steamboat very drunk at about 4 o'clock in the morning. There was a horrible whiteout outside. And she did all the wrong things. She came out in a whiteout that she shouldn't have been driving in by herself. And picked up me, who was very drunk. So I have a real soft spot for what we call wet alcoholics. I don't mind 12-stepping someone who's actively drinking like that. And she brought me to her home. And I just remember, even in my drunkenness, being aware of this house was really magical. And it wasn't ostentatious. You know, it was a lovely home. But it was a humble home. But it also had something in it. Like this, that you could cut with a knife. This feeling of spirituality. I couldn't have put that word to it then. But I know today that's what it was. Tremendous love and warmth. And I also was struck by her really listening to me like I was never going to take another drink. And I think in her mind she was probably thinking, I don't know about this one. I'm not sure she's hit bottom yet. But she acted like I was never going to take another drink. And that stuck with me tremendously. And I practically took a four-step. Well, then she started giving me all these things she wanted me to do. 90 meetings in 90 days. Don't go to the bar where your husband's entertaining. I don't think it's a good idea that you go into the bar at night. Oh, well, no, no. Already the yes buts are starting. Oh, well, I'll have to go to the bar because he's my husband and that's how I support him. I sit in the audience every night. Mind you, he's begging me not to come to the club. Please don't come to the club anymore. You know, he used to stand on the stage and drop it. I can see it now. Drop his head under the stage lights and scan for me. While he was playing and singing, scanning, looking, looking. Where is she? What is she doing? Does she have her clothes on? Is she drinking? So I would do these things like get tabs and pour them out and fill them up with beer so he would think I wasn't drinking. He was always a little shocked that I couldn't walk after all those tabs. But, you know. You know, I was trying to hide it. And so I'm telling her I have to go to the club. And he would please don't come to the club. I mean, he's ready to kick me to the curb. Much less out of the club. So I stayed about a week and then I drank again. You know, I remember going to a couple meetings. They were good. I couldn't tell you much about them. But those first two white chips, I was not admitting powerlessness over alcohol. I was only admitting I was alcoholic. And I knew that. But I would just insist I wasn't powerless. They are powerless. That's why they need meetings. I am not powerless. I could stop any time I want. I was doing that like 30 days, 60 days. But then there was always the next drunk coming. I couldn't stay stopped. And, you know, of course, once I had one, you know, what is it? One is too many, a thousand is enough. And so, you know, towards the end of my drinking, everything was fine. Everything was going south pretty badly. I had, it was bad. And I started deteriorating physically. I went into the hospital with the flu. And all of a sudden they were talking about liver enzymes. And I'm supposed to have the flu. And I looked at the doctor. He said, your liver enzymes are really bad. Seriously bad. You have hepatitis. He didn't call it alcoholic hepatitis. That's what it was. But he didn't call that. He said, you have hepatitis. Your liver enzymes are terrible. I looked at him. I said, well, what in the world could cause something like that? And he said, well, and he knew, of course. And he looked at me. He says, well, I don't know unless you're a lush. And then he just left the room. And I thought, he knows. They know. So I stayed sober for a month. The liver enzymes went back to normal. And I drank again. You know, by now my daughter was two and a half. And I had done a pretty good job of keeping the wheels on. It was really important for her. It was really important for me to be a good mom. But I endangered her life on more than one occasion while I was drinking. I drove drunk with her a lot. It was not good. And, you know, several times. One's too many, endangering their lives one time too many. But I probably endangered her life four or five times. And then I got sick. And I stayed sober for 30 days. And the liver enzymes went back. I drank again. Except this time it was worse than ever. And it's telling me now, you know, that it's progressive and fatal. The disease is going on. And I was in a position in the islands where we were on a sailboat. And I jumped in this dinghy with all these other people. I was very good at getting people to come along for the ride. And my husband wouldn't come. But these people came. And I'm flying through a harbor at night, pitch dark, with all the lines. All the bow anchors are out and all the stern anchors are out. And I'm flying, flying, flying, flying. I could have decapitated someone. I can't believe that I didn't kill somebody that night. And that got my attention because I wasn't really that concerned about my own life. But when I saw how I was starting to endanger my daughters and people that meant a lot to me, that did get my attention. So when we came back from that trip, I had my last drink one night when we went out to dinner and drank a bottle of wine at dinner. My husband went to the night club to work and dropped me off. And my daughter, as usual, to bed at 7 o'clock. Perfect. He won't be home until 4. Perfect. Drinking time. And I would drink my wine. And then at the end of the evening, I would fill it up with water, fill the water bottle up with water to a certain level. Put in just enough yellow food coloring for it to look like Chablis so he wouldn't know how much I drank every night. So that night. I drank everything in the house. It was almost like something inside me knew it was going to be the last night I drank. And I did. Everything in the house. Homemade Kahlua. Everything. I started calling people. Drunk dialing like I always did. The last three people I called, who were always wonderful to talk to when I was drunk. Because they were drunk too. Loved talking. Put on a little Tom Waits. Start out in California. Call them. All of a sudden, the first guy. Well, it was actually my girlfriend. My first friend said, well, you know, I'm not drinking anymore. I've gone to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I couldn't believe my ears. I thought, okay. Well, I've got to run. So next. You know, blacked her name out. And so then I called an old boyfriend I used to always call drinking. And he said, you know, Sharon, I can't talk to you anymore. I've quit drinking. I've gone to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I thought. Wow. There is something in the water. So then I go to the next one. And same thing. Third person said, I can't talk to you. I'm now in Alcoholics Anonymous. I haven't had a drink in a long time. I really was shocked. Really. And so I drank. I was very drunk. And I passed out on the sofa. And somehow my daughter had needed me. And she came down that night. And when my husband came home from the nightclub. He came home to a scene of me passed out on the sofa with a brandy snifter in my hand. And my daughter below the brandy snifter asleep. Now before I passed out. It was in September. I had left the sliding glass doors to the swimming pool open. The pool was maybe, I don't know, five, ten feet off that den. And I put a fire on. Seemed like a good idea at the time. And I didn't have the grill closed. So she's in there. So she's in there at two and a half. Right. The swimming pool is here. The fireplace is here. And I'm passed out. And he got the seriousness of that when he walked in and saw it. So this time I knew I was in trouble with him. And I knew the handwriting was on the wall. But something else happened. And it really did hit me. You know. You are powerless over alcohol. And I didn't want to die like that. And I didn't want to put. I really didn't want to put my daughter that I love more than life itself. You know. I loved her so much. I loved her more than life itself. But I couldn't put the drink down for her. I mean no human power could relieve my alcoholism. So that. Something happened the next morning where I thought I'm going to call that central office again. But it was all different. Something had dropped from my head to my heart to my soul. I believe it may have had something to do with that last night I drank. I did cry out for the only time. God help me. And so Helen answered at central office and said you know there's a meeting in Clarkston tonight. A women's meeting. And do you want us to send somebody over and bring you over there. And I said oh of course not. I'm fine. I don't need any company to come pick me up. I'm just fine. Thank you very much. And so I went over. And they did this great 12 step meeting. I couldn't believe it. They were funny. I thought if they had been here when I had come 10 years ago. I would have stayed. And what I know today is they were there 10 years ago. It's just that all of a sudden I'm seeing with better eyes. And I'm hearing with better ears. And I'm as desperate as the dying could be. I am dying of alcoholism. And I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. And I have now become powerless over alcohol in my mind as well as my body. And so all of a sudden they're hilarious. I like them. I really want to be like them. I really want to be there. I felt so much hope. I entered that night at Clarkston as a bad kid. I really did. And I left with so much hope and feeling like oh my God there is an answer. And it isn't even that bad of an answer. I kind of like these people. I probably would have enjoyed drinking with them. Maybe I could enjoy getting sober with them. And they told hilarious stories. I don't remember them giving me a big book. I don't remember anybody offering me numbers that night. They were so busy laughing hysterically actually after the meeting. But I didn't get a book and I didn't get numbers and I just left. And I thought okay. And so a week later on the Wednesday night at 8 I go back. And they said well where have you been? I said well I'm here. You know Wednesday at 8, right? And they thought oh wow. And I think it hit them. Whoa. We were having so much fun socializing with each other. We forgot about the newcomer. We didn't give her a newcomer packet. We didn't give her our numbers. Thank God she did come back. And I'm real attuned to that always. Yeah it's great to talk to my buddies after a meeting and before a meeting. But who is the newcomer in the room? And let's not overlook the most important person there. And so but anyway I was back. They gave me a big book. And I have that same big book. And in the beginning of it I wrote I got really emotional the last time I did this. And it does make me emotional. I said sobriety day. I said sobriety day September 7, 1982. I never have to feel like this again. Expect a miracle. I mean that's all something that they had said that to me that night I'm sure. And I'm writing it down. And I meant it. You know I was and am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. So I did get a number. I got a sponsor shortly thereafter. Who I picked because she just looked like she'd be a great tennis partner. That's the honest truth. I just looked like. I thought I'd play tennis with her. She looks. I like her. She's kind of a class act. And I think we could have some fun together. I'll ask her to be my sponsor. Well she's never played tennis in her life of course. But oh was she the perfect. It was so amazing how you know the right person with the right information shows up at the right time. And how God moves these chess pieces around just like they need to be moved. Matching up people exactly. She was so perfect for me. She loved me with a velvet glove. She gave me a lot of head which I needed. You know I was kind of stubborn. And I was willing to go to any lengths but not without question. You know. And so you know I would say these outrageous things and she would listen. And I wouldn't do steps two and three. So I'm not doing two and three. I don't even want to talk to anyone and hear about my personal belief in God. That's my own business. I don't share that with everybody. I don't share that with everyone. I don't understand why you guys are so open about talking about it. But I won't be doing that. And I also was terrified of the second step because I saw it as if I admit this then I am crazy. And I was more afraid of being insane and crazy than I was alcoholic. So I thought well we'll delete that step. And I'm not giving my will over the care of God either. I'm not doing that either. And so I told her this. I'm not doing it. And I would say it in meetings too. And they would ask me to leave the Lord's Prayer at the end. And she said I said I'm not doing two and three. I want to just go from one to four. And she said well okay. We find it usually works better if you do them in order. But I'm not your higher power. So I don't know what God's will is for you. And if that's the way you want to do it we'll do it that way. So let's see. Let's have a fifth step on January 2nd. I said okay. Great. Perfect. Love her. She understands. I'm deleting two and three. So I'm real grateful I didn't come up in a time where do it my way or the highway. Do it my way or you're fired. When the heck did that ever get into Alcoholics Anonymous? That assumes that I'm your boss or your employer. And I have a new employer. And I have a new boss. And it's not you. It comes through you. But it's not you. So I'm very cautious about telling anyone what I think they need, should, do, time, frames, time, lines. Everyone has their own. And thank God I came up in that era. And she did let me have my head. And then it became really apparent when I did the fifth step whether why I was objecting to two and three so strenuously. And we discussed that. And I went back and did them in order. Of course. Because I discovered it wasn't so much all of this smokescreen about I don't believe I should discuss this with you. I'm not doing this, that, and the other. It was all beyond me. It was all beyond me. It was all beyond me. It was all beyond me. It was all beyond me. It was all beyond me. It was all beyond me. It was all beyond me. It was all beyond me. It was all beyond me. It was all beyond me. It was all beyond me. It was all beyond me. It was all because I was afraid that I couldn't be forgiven by God because I was such a special sinner. And that I'd already made all these mistakes that were just you know you're off the Christmas list with God, so why not just you know 86 the whole thing with two and three. I say in here, you can be an atheist, I'm signing up for that one. So you know it just happened. But you know what? It just happened. It just happened. It just happened. It just happened. When I discovered that, and with her help, and the way I discovered it is because she had the same special secrets. They weren't so special after all, and actually there are a couple that are unique, but she had them, and that floored me. I thought, is she making this up? No, she really does have them. She told me the gory details of hers, and that changed everything. You know, that's what made me be able to join the human race again, and all the mountains did go to molehills. And I wasn't a special center. I was just a garden variety drunk. That's all. And so I just made that decision to go on with the rest of the program. Before, I have to show you all this, though, because this is, to me, hilarious. When I was debating about doing four and five, before I X'd out two and three, I was debating about whether I was going to do four and five. And back on page 560 in my book, there is a part that says, you know, similarly, we rid ourselves of guilt and remorse as we clean out the garbage from our minds through the fourth and fifth step of our recovery program. Well, I have completely blacked out the phrase, through the fourth and fifth step of our recovery program, and even went to the trouble of putting it in brackets in pink highlights. So, you know, I saw that a couple years ago. And I laughed, you know, at how I'm saying I'm willing to go to any lengths, but I'm not. I'm not, you know. But the thing of it is, is sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. And I did come around, and I did do those steps. And I did, and I was always thrown into service. You know, they did that kindly to me in the beginning, making the coffee and emptying the ashtrays. And I had other positions of service along the way. And I loved, I love service. I really like it. I did the secretary thing, the treasurer thing at my group, and this and that and the other thing. And that kept me engaged with my group, kept me involved. So, you know, but my sobriety has just been a wonderful ride. I just sometimes have to pinch myself. I remember thinking when I came in that we would all just be kind of in sackcloth and ashes and just holding hands with each other and hoping we could stay sober until tomorrow. I didn't have a clue as to what a new life. I knew freedom. One of my sponsors wrote in the 12 and 12, I'll never forget it. She said, when you have five years, if I could give you a crystal ball and show you your life, you would not believe, you would tell me it can't possibly be your life. That that's not possible. And it is possible. And so I remembered that, and I thought, I did think to myself, you know, I know she thinks that and believes that, and it probably has happened to her. So I know she's heartbroken. And that that has happened to her, but I don't think that's possible for me. You know, the fact of the matter was I had drank up my marriage and didn't know it, and I had. And I take responsibility for that. So at 18 months, we separated. And, you know, I had said when I got sober, I put qualifiers on my sobriety. If something happens to my marriage or my daughter, I don't know if I can stay sober. And both of those things occurred. And it was when I learned. I learned that I could stay sober under all conditions, even if my you-know-what fell off, that I could stay sober under all conditions. And that was very scary at the time, but what a gift. Oh, my gosh. And I don't mean that in the sense of, oh, yay, I'm divorced. You know, we just became real different. He was going on a path, and I was going on a path, and they were just kind of going like that. And honestly, with the lifestyle that we lived at that time, and it's no fault of his. It's not his fault. He's just an entertainer, and he lives that lifestyle. But if I'd have stayed in that lifestyle, I'm not sure I would have stayed sober. I really don't know if I would have or not. Because, I mean, I was exposed to so much all the time. Booze and other things. And, you know, you just can't go into that barbershop all the time and not expect sometime to come out with a haircut. So I think God was doing for me what I could not do for myself in making that happen. And I've never known the good news from the bad news. You know, what? What that did was open up opportunities for me to meet new people and healthier people and people that had like-minded goals and aspirations and so forth. And I met that person, and I am remarried, and he's here. We've been married 27 years now, and 28, I think, coming up. And so I didn't even know what that was like to be in a healthy relationship, honestly. You know, I'd always needed that. And now I've learned to live on my own as a single woman. I've learned to date and not try to get him to marry me by Tuesday. And, you know, I actually did try to get him to marry me early. But he said, I'm not marrying you until you have five years. And I did try to move that date up on a few occasions. But he's kind of stubborn, too. And he was like, uh-uh, nope. I just kind of want to see if you are. He's got two more years than I do. And he said, I want to make sure you're going to stay sober and, you know, this and that. And so we did wait until I had five years. And I'm really glad we did, just to see if it was, you know, make sure it wasn't boy met girl on AA campus. Later, it's the emotional problems that would destroy us. And thank heavens we did do that. So we have a sober home. You know, today, I was unemployable when I got here. I didn't know that I was unemployable, but I was. The first time I did take the third step in earnest, it was to get a job. I told my sponsor, I said, I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I interview for this job. What am I going to tell them when they say, where have you been for 14 years? And they didn't ask. She said, you know, stay the third step there. Ask God to go in before you to that interview and just go see what happens. And I did that. And they didn't ask me where I'd been for 14 years. They wanted to hire me. And I called her and I said, well, they want to hire me. But I'm not. I'm not taking the job. And she said, well, why is that? You know, and it was a great job. You know, it was just amazing. And I said, you're not going to believe what they want to pay me. They want to pay me minimum wage to be in, what do you call it, like an internship, you know, like when you're on probation at a job. They want to pay me this minimum wage for four months. And they don't understand. I have a degree from the University of Georgia in therapeutic recreation, after all. And, you know, are you kidding me? They're going to pay me. They're going to pay me minimum $5, whatever it was at the time, an hour of, I'm not taking it. And she listened to all this. And she said at the end of my little spiel, she said, well, you know, Sharon, it just sounds to me like you got a $5 an hour raise. She always knew just what to say with a velvet glove. And I took the job. And I came to you tonight from that job. I had been there 27 years in January. I took a four-year break. I took a four-year break from the job, four or five years, to raise my daughter and do some other things. But I've been at that same job for 27 years, and I don't make $5 an hour now. I'm the practice manager. I'm the lead vision therapist. And that is all by the grace of God, because I didn't quit five minutes before the miracle, because I didn't let ego and fear and insecurity drive my decisions in sobriety. And more has been revealed. I have an amazing boss. Oh, my gosh, you wouldn't believe it. He just lets me do anything I want. I have wonderful patients that I work with that I feel like I can change lives, and they change mine. And I almost walked away from that because of ego and pride. Don't they know who I am? You know, and my daughter is grown now. That two-and-a-half-year-old is 35. I have a daughter. I have a daughter. I have a daughter. I have a daughter. I have a grandson that's seven, and my husband has two granddaughters, our granddaughters that are older. And we have a big family, a host of friends. None of that was going on when I picked up my last white chip. Even the family that we had and the friends we had, I had, were not asking me along for the parties or the few. It was, no, you know, what can we do to make sure she doesn't know about what's going on. So what a difference. You know, just like the big book said, you know, you'll be wrong. Rocketed into this fourth dimension. And I can tell you, so many spiritual experiences. Sometimes I hear people say in meetings, well, it's not like he's going to come down and you're going to have a burning bush. I beg to differ. Oh, yeah, he does. And they burn big, and they burn bright, and they knock my socks off. I mean, there are some things that you go, there is no way that that could be. How did this happen? How did that person show up here and do that? You know, you can't deny it. So, you know, my burning bush will burn more brightly for me than it might for you. But it doesn't diminish what it is. It is absolutely amazing. If you're looking and if you're listening. I don't like that idea that, well, he won't show yourself. You know, he's like, yeah, he's all around. He does. He shows himself all the time. It's all those strange coincidences they tell you to be on the lookout for. You know, you're dead broke and you have no way of getting any money. And all of a sudden, for some strange reason, you get this $500 check in the mail that you didn't even know existed. You know, that's the stuff to me that is the burning bush. But if I just don't quit five minutes before that miracle happens, it will be revealed. So, you know, we've had our share of ups and downs, as everyone does in life. You know, that's where I had that magical thinking, crazy thinking. That once I got sober, life should just be perfect, really. It's going to be a yellow brick road. There won't be any more problems. It's because, you know, now that drinking thing is under control, life will just be smooth sailing from here on out. And, you know, for the most part, it has been. It has been wonderful beyond my beliefs. That crystal ball she promised me has come true. But I'm not a man from life on life's terms. People have died unexpectedly. People have died expectedly. There have been. Financial setbacks along the way. Sometimes it comes and sometimes it goes. Today, I know that I don't drink no matter what. And sometimes the experience I may be having is just to tell you when you're ready to jump off the bridge. I did that. I have been through this. I promise you it will get better. Don't drink no matter what. And so I am so grateful to be sober. I hope I act like it. And I appreciate all of you. Thank you for putting up with me at night and listening. And I think I'll stay sober another day. I hope you will. Thank you. Thank you so much, Sharon. That was fantastic. You also added credence to my theory that if you've ever been naked in public, you might be an alcoholic. Thank you.