Two Weeks Into Step 3 the Obsession to Drink Didn’t Leave — Higher Power Replaced It With an Obsession to Stay Sober – Willie B.

And our speaker tonight is Willie. Can you please help me welcome Willie? I was actually hoping Bob would keep speaking. Anyway, my name is Willie Burns and I'm a very grateful alcoholic. A very grateful recovered alcoholic. I've always considered it to be a privilege and a pleasure to be asked to speak at any AA meeting. And until a few weeks ago, when Bob asked me to come here tonight. It's good to see so many people in here that I recognise. That doesn't make me feel less nervous, it makes me feel more nervous. The people who know me know that I absolutely love Alcoholics Anonymous. I love it with all my heart. My whole life today centres around AA. I would love to stand here tonight and tell everyone that from the very first time I came to AA that everything in my life has been wonderful, but that's not true. What is true is that the worst part of my life began after I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. The worst part. And it was bad enough before I got there. I got here the first time. But we'll get to that. I'd also like to welcome anyone who's new. And I know there's a few people in the room who have only been around for a few months. And I'm delighted that you're here. Let me be your guinea pig. I'm asked to tell you what it used to be like, what happened and what it's like now. And there's so much to say in so little time. But I'll try and give you a thumbnail view of what it was like before I got here. I was born in the west of Scotland. I was the only boy in a family of six girls. I had six sisters. And I'd love to tell everyone that I was three times as unfortunate in life as Cinderella. She only had two ugly sisters. That's why I'm only five foot four. They kept hitting me in the head. But I never did wear their clothes. I stopped at that. Both my parents were alcoholic. And I grew up in an alcoholic home. And I'm sure some of you know what that's like. And I remember even as a young boy, you know, I vowed that I would never drink. And I meant it. You know, if that's what booze does to people, it wasn't for me. Because almost every weekend at home, there would be parties going on. Parties going on in our house with some uncles and aunts and their friends. And they're all drinking. And the parties would all start off the same way. Everybody was laughing and enjoying themselves. And then as the night went on, you could hear the atmosphere changing. And the arguments would start. And the fighting would start. And fists would start flying. And it was horrendous. And we were all upstairs, you know, terrified. And that's just what it was like. It went on for a long time. Ah. I left high school at the age of 18. And I started working in the gambling industry. Now, I had worked in the gambling industry since I was 15 years of age. Even though I was still at school. And I loved doing that. But I left school at 18. Within a year, where I was married, my ex-wife, she's my ex-wife now, she was only 16 at the time. And within a year, you know, I'd moved down to London to work in the gambling industry. Where her son, my son was born. And they moved down after I got a job. The company that I went to work for in London, to give you an idea, the betting shops in Scotland had been legalized about six, seven years before they were licensed in England. And the English bookmakers were looking for experienced staff. So that's why we were all headhunted. And that's how I got the job. But at the age of 19, I was in charge of about 40 odd betting shops in the London area. You know, and that was good for my ego. I can assure you. At that time, I didn't drink. I didn't drink. I didn't start drinking until I was about 21, 22. And I remember that particular night. We were at an annual staff dance, and everybody was there, and they were all passing around drinks. And I would take a sip of somebody's beer, and I didn't like it. And somebody would hand me a glass of gin, and I didn't like that. And we'd try this, and I didn't. Until eventually, one of the guys gave me a glass, with whiskey and Coca-Cola. And I fell in love with this stuff. And that was my drink for the rest of my life. What it did for me was, you know, it made me 10 foot tall. Bulletproof. And invincible. I've heard a lot of guys at the meetings saying that when they were drinking, they thought they were God's gift to women. I never thought that. I knew it. My drinking career didn't last too long. It was only about five or six years. But even my employers, and my wife, and her family in particular, they were all good Irish Catholics. They all recognized that this wee guy had a problem with his drinking. But the only problem I had with my drinking at that time was that I couldn't get enough of it. And I couldn't get peace to enjoy it. If they would just have left me alone, I'd be okay. I remember in one instance, they arranged, my ex-wife and her family, they arranged for me to go and speak to this Catholic priest. And I'll talk tonight quite a bit about Catholic priests, but it's not what you expect. But this man I was sent to see, his name was Father Isaac McLaren. And I can mention his name now because he died a few years ago. And this man was a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous at that time. And I remember going over on a Sunday evening, and we were sitting in a big room in two armchairs across from each other. And he started telling me a lot of his drinking escapades. And out of the blue he said to me, Willie, do you think you might be alcoholic? And I felt insulted. I really did. And I remember saying to him, you know, no, I can't be alcoholic. I don't drink cheap wine and beer like the down and outs in the street. Because that was my idea of an alcoholic. And that's when he explained to me that alcohol is not a drink. It's a drug called ethanol or ethyl alcohol. And he explained to me that it's the same drug that's in the cheapest wine and beer as what's in the most expensive whiskies. And that didn't make sense to me at that time. But again, you know, the degree of denial in me I remember coming back to him and I said, but, you know, I can't be an alcoholic. I've got too much money. He said, well, just keep drinking, son. It won't last you long. And I thought to myself, who does this guy think he is? But again I come back to him and I said, no, you know, but I can't be an alcoholic. I'm far too intelligent. And the guy looked at me and he said, yes, Willie, he said, you're so effing intelligent, you can't count to one. If you don't take the first drink, you can't get drunk. I couldn't wait to get away from the guy that night. And you know where I went. The nearest bar, you know. It was years later on that guy was to become my sponsor. In 1971, I think it was in June of 71, I was involved in a very serious car accident. I remember exactly what happened a few hours before it. We'd all been in the back, in a bar, in a cocktail bar downstairs where the Dolly Birds, where the Miniskirts were. I was the paymaster buying drinks for everybody with the company's money. It wasn't my money. I was very generous with other people's money. We'd come out of there and we were going to a party over on the other end of Glasgow. And I was driving a car at the time, although I didn't have any driver's licence or insurance or nothing. And I remember being at the party that night. I remember coming out of there about three o'clock in the morning. It was pouring down with rain. I remember I could hardly even walk. I remember some of my friends getting around me and pleading with me, you know, Willie, just stay here tonight. You can't drive that car. They even tried to take my car keys off me. You know, there's no way. I got in the car and I started driving. My next recollection was being given the last whites by a Catholic priest. The next recollection after that was a big black doctor standing over me with a clipboard. And he was asking me a lot of stupid questions like, do you know what your name is? And I told him. And he said, do you know what happened to you? And all I had to do was look around the bed that I was tied into. And I said, yeah, I smashed the car. He said, that's right. He said, do you know where you are now? And I told him and he said, no. No, you're in Glasgow Royal Infirmary. It's a matter of medical record. I had over 200 stitches from there up. They didn't have laminated windscreens at that time. You know, the screen just shattered and I got it all in my face and in my mouth. My ribs were broken. They tell me the engine ended up in my lap. My pelvis was broken. My right thigh was broken four places. My right shin was broken three. And I broke every bone in my right ankle. My left leg was broken in two places. Both arms were broken. This, my wrist was almost set. This was almost severed. They had to tie the tendons under the skin in knots. And they told me then that I would never walk again without a steel caliper. And I would never straighten my right arm and use my right hand again. That's 40 years ago. And today I've still got the sensation of pins and needles in the palm of my right hand. But you know my attitude all my life and it still is. I'll show them. I'll show them. I was in the Glasgow Royal Infirmary for four and a half months. My ex-wife used to come in twice a day at that time to see me. There was a lot of people in that time who were all praying for me. But I'm sure that most of them must have been praying that I wouldn't make it. I'm here today probably because of other people's prayers. And I don't knock that. But I was in the hospital maybe a couple of weeks and my wife came in one day and she was all dressed in black. And she told me that one of my girlfriends was pregnant and my back was right to the wall. And I would have done anything to try and keep my marriage together. If they'd asked me to do the Apache War dance in the middle of George Square in Glasgow I would have done it. But she said to me, well there's a friend that she knows who lives near us. He's a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Do you mind if he comes and speaks to you? And I said sure. A few days later a guy came in. His name's Pat Rooney. And Pat sat beside me. And he started telling me all about his drinking escapades. And I felt sorry for the poor guy. I mean I'm lying there like a fish supper. But this guy he said the stupidest things under creation. He said, in order for me to keep it I've got to give it away. And I thought he must be Irish. I mean if you give something away how the hell can you keep it? And then he said, this is helping me a lot more than it's helping you. And I could understand that one. I was in Glasgow Royal for four and a half months. I was then transferred through to Falkirk Infirmary where I spent another six weeks there. Eventually they allowed me home still with a traction on my leg. I was more or less under house orders when I got home, confined to barracks. I couldn't get out. It took me nearly another year to learn to walk again after I got fitted with a steel caliper from the top of my thigh right and it bolted in the heel of your shoe. I've now got one high heel. My right leg is now an inch and a half shorter than the left one. And if I didn't tell you that you wouldn't know. You can look at my shoes and you'll see it. Anyway, after a couple of years, eventually I get back to work. And I hadn't had a drink for those two years. It wasn't my best behaviour. Within a few weeks of getting back to work I started drinking again. And you can only imagine what happened at home. Things went from bad to worse. And I mentioned earlier about the priest that gave me the last fights. While I was in Glasgow Royal Infirmary he was the hospital chaplain. He was in a parish right across the road from the hospital. And this guy used to sit with me almost every night. He was like the brother that I never had and we got on great together. Even after I got home, you know, he would travel about 40 miles one way to come and visit me. It started off one night a month and it was, excuse me, one, two nights a week. And it became more than that. We drank together, you know. He would come into my house with his briefcase and take off the bit of white plastic and throw it in the corner and come out with a bottle of whisky. I'd get in the cocktail cabinet and I'd come out with a bottle of whisky and the two of us would sit there drinking. We did that for a good number of years. Things at home were really bad. And I remember, you know, again, we were in the bear just splitting up. And that's when I agreed that I would go to alcoholics and all that. Up until that time I had never been at an AA meeting. I remember it was one Sunday afternoon, two guys came in the car and they picked me up and they took me away out of the area to an AA meeting. And the place was packed. And I couldn't tell you what the speaker had said. But when they started going around the room, it seemed to me that everybody in that room all knew about me and that they were all taking it in turns to have a go at this wee guy. And to give you an idea just how clever I was, I'm sitting there and I'm racking my brain and I'm thinking, you know, how did they know? And then it dawned on me, I thought, they must think I'm stupid. They really must think I'm thick. When the guys have picked me up at home in the car, she's been on the phone to them and told them all about me. They've got together and they've said, now when it's your turn you say this, and your turn. And I wouldn't want you to think that I was neurotic. That's just the way it was. It was suggested to me that I go to 90 meetings in 90 days. And to the best of my recollection, I did that. I remember at the end of the 90 day period, I was taking my wife and the kids out to visit our family. And I stopped at a liquor store and I said to them, well, you know, that's it, I mean, I've been there now, the 90 meetings in 90 days. I'm cured. So I'll just go in and get a quarter bottle of whisky. And she didn't go ballistic like she normally did. She just said, well, Willie, if that's what you want to do, you carry on. And I didn't know then that that quarter bottle of whisky was the start of me going in and out the doors of AA for the next 12 years. And during that 12 year period, I never ever got another 90 days. Never. I remember at one point they suggested to me that I join a group and I get involved. And I joined a group. And I got involved alright. And she was beautiful. And I moved out and I went and stayed with this girl and within a few hours the two of us were drunk. And this woman was in a wheelchair. That's how sick I was. That lasted a couple of months. They took the cops to split us up. The only thing I did right during that 12 years period was I kept coming back to AA. Because I knew that there had to be an answer even for a lunatic like me. And I thought I was so clever. But to give you an idea of what the meetings were like at that time in the west of Scotland, and this is not a criticism of them, these are observations based on my own personal experience. During that 12 year period, nobody spoke about the big book. Although there was one on every top table. No one. No one. A lot of people in the rooms, if you mention God a higher power or Jesus Christ, you were asked to leave the room. And there was nobody, you know, with more of a resentment against God than I had. And I was one of those people. If anyone in the room spoke about God a higher power, the hairs on the back of my neck would stand up and I was ready to go for your throat literally. Because I had been brought up to believe in this God of hellfire and damnation. And I knew since I was that size that I was going to roast in the fire. I knew that. Got to the stage and thought well, you might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. And I went on my merry way. At that time I was 42 years of age. And up until that time, God to me was a sadist. And he didn't know it. And I found later on in this programme, the truth of that statement is that Willie was a masochist. And I didn't know. I'll punish me more severely I know today that God doesn't punish any of us. He just loves us. I was never punished for my sins. I was punished by my sins. You know the worst part of my day, every day, was I'd be in the bathroom in the morning getting shaved to go to work. And I didn't like what I saw in the mirror looking back at me. Then I'd walk out and I'd look at my wife and the innocent looks on my three children's faces we had three kids by that time. And that used to tear the guts out of me. And the only thing that took that pain away, you know that deep intense psychological pain, the only thing that took that pain away was pouring out another one. Here we go again. I'll show you. I'll show you. During that 12 year period, I lost my wife, my kids, my home, my jobs, two businesses. I became unemployed, unemployable. I tried to commit suicide on three or four occasions. And they weren't half-hearted attempts. I just didn't want to go on anymore. You know they say in here that if you don't remember your last drink, you probably haven't had it. I hope I never forget mine. During that 12 year period, I did quite a number of one night stands in police stations. I got banned from drunk driving twice. The first time was one year mandatory. The second time was three years mandatory. I owned a taxi business at that time. I started a taxi business because, I mean, if you're driving, you don't drink. Right? Wrong. It's a nightmare. My last drink was on the 23rd of March, 1985. And I remember that day. I remember lying on the edge of my bed and I was bringing up pints of blood. And I don't say this to try and impress anyone or to try and frighten anyone. That's just how bad it was. I didn't want to go on anymore. And I thank God that at that time, you know what I said, probably the most honest prayer that I've ever said in my life. And I said, God, for F's sake, help me. The next morning, there was a man came to my house and his name was Andy Davidson. And I'd known Andy for a while and I'd been told by other AA members to keep away from him because this guy was a big bookthumper. And I think it's only fair to warn you that where I come from, I've been accused of being a big bookthumper. And that's a charge that I plead guilty to with no apologies. This is a book that saved my life, that changed my life and it makes my life worthwhile. But Andy came that morning and he introduced me to the book. And the host that Andy gave me and he pointed to it, it's the very first page, and it says in big letters, Alcoholics Anonymous. And underneath it, it says the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered past tense from alcoholism. Recovered. But he was quick to explain to me that the word recovered doesn't mean cured. He tells me that in the book. He says remember we are not cured of alcoholism but all we have is a daily reprieve. That's all I have. Well, any of us have got a daily reprieve. But the word recovered just simply means to get well. And I believe that one of the greatest statements in this book, for me anyway, is the one that says burn the idea into the consciousness of every man's mind and women's. That you can get well regardless of anyone. That all you have to do is trust in God and clean house. Andy explained quite a bit about the programme to me that day. But he took me to chapter 5 and I thank Rich for reading it out today. Because that means so much to me. The part that Rich read out it finishes with the three pertinent ideas ABCs. Andy showed me in the book the very next line in the book says being convinced we are now at step 3. That's in chapter 5. And he looked at me and he said so where is step 1 and 2? I said I don't know. He said well that's in the first four chapters in the doctor's opinion. I didn't know that. And I'd been around AA for 12 years. Chapter 5 only tells me how to take step 3 and step 4. Chapter 6 called into action tells me how to take steps 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11. I didn't know these things. And chapter 7 in this book is called working with others. There's a full chapter in the 12th step. And I didn't know that. You see for all the years I'd bounced in and out and I probably qualified for the Guinness Book of Records for the number of times that I kept coming back. I thought that just by sitting in a room and saying my name's Willie, I'm an alcoholic that that was the first step. I know today that that's not what it asks us to do in the first step. The first step asks me to admit that I'm powerless over alcohol. So I had to find out what makes this wee guy powerless over alcohol? And in studying the book and Andy suggested to me that I start my study at no more than two pages a day. And to believe every word in it. And that taught me discipline. Because I would sit at home on my own. I was unemployed, unemployable. I was living in welfare. And I would sit and go over the same two pages 20, 30, 40, 50 times. Until eventually, you know, a little bit of the understanding came to me. Being honest, you know, during the years I went in and out I'd heard people talking about their bodies are allergic to alcohol. And I thought it was just a plausible excuse. And it wasn't until I saw it written down in black and white and it's in the doctor's opinion. You know, that's when I came to believe it. And I realised that this book was written before I was even born. They knew I was coming. They knew I was coming. So that wee part of the disease concept made sense to me. I mean, common sense tells me today if you're allergic to strawberries you don't eat strawberries. So that made sense. Then it went on to explain that I suffer from a mental obsession. The obsession I had was for alcohol. And that obsession overruled every other consideration of my life. You know, my whole life centres around alcohol. The book talks about the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. That was me. Was that some day, somehow I'd be able to do just two things. I'd be able to control and enjoy my drinking. I'd try that for days. I'd try that for years. And the book goes on to say the persistence of this illusion. It's all in there. It's astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. Then it says we learn that we have to fully concede to our innermost selves. In here. Not up here. That's the thing that got me into trouble all my life. I had to learn to concede to my innermost self that I'm alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery. The second step in this programme was the single most difficult one for me. Because in the second step it says that we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. As I said earlier, I didn't believe in a power greater than myself. The conception I had was all you know this, God of hell, fire and damnation. Andy kept talking to me about the God that it speaks about in the second tradition that there was no bosses in the A. That there is one ultimate authority. A loving God. And I couldn't get my head around that concept of a loving God. But again I thank God for this book. Because it made things so simple for me. It says that all I had to do was to become willing to believe in a power greater than myself. It goes on to say that as soon as a person can say that he's willing to believe we emphatically assure him that he's on his way. And in my case what seemed at first for me to be a flimsy reading really did turn out to be the hand of God. I remember I was two weeks sober. Two weeks. After going on out for twelve years I'm two weeks sober. I'm living at home and I'm reading this book. And I was standing at the main street in the town that I lived in in Scotland. And I was standing having a conversation with a guy. And it wasn't even about AA. And it was just a feeling I had. It was just a feeling I had and I knew in my head and in my heart that I would never drink again. I can't explain it any better than I just did. I knew. I knew the obsession was gone. And even up until I was six months sober I was scared to tell anybody about that in case the horrible craving for a drink would come back again and they would laugh at me again. You know. And up until right now that obsession has never come back. I don't believe that my God removed the obsession to drink. I think he replaced it with an obsession to stay sober. And that's what I try and do. The book, again, it still only makes it simple. They tell me in there I can choose any conception of God that I like providing it makes sense to me. Even standing here right now it does not make sense to me to believe in a vindictive God. That's not the kind of God that is. I can share many, many spiritual experiences that I've had over the time I've been sober. You'd have to bring your sleeping bags. You'd be here the next week. Trust me when I tell you. It's incredible. But then it comes to the third step where they ask me to make a decision. They turn my will and my life and Andy explained to me that that's my thoughts and my actions. Over to the care of God. And Andy said, well, you know if you do that He's going to care for you. And in chapter 5 it says we stood at the turning point. We asked His care and protection with complete abandon. He said He's going to care for you and He's going to protect you. And I knelt down in my bedroom one night and I took the third step prayer just the way it tells me in the book. And I meant it. I think if we ask God to direct our thinking then it follows that our actions will be good. All action begins with thought. When it came to step 4 in this book you know I came to the example of Mr. Brown and Mrs. Jones and I couldn't make head or tail of it. It just didn't make sense to me. And the priest I'd been sent to see years previously, if you believe in coincidence here's another belter for you. By that time I was only a couple of months sober. He had been moved and he was in a parish less than a mile away from where I lived. And the first three and a half years I was sober I was banned from drunk driving. I remember walking down to see him that day. And again we sat in the room and I said to him you know I'm here and I'm looking for advice on how to take the fourth step. And he said to me Willie if you're ready to take the fourth step he said I presume that you've taken the third step. I said yeah. He said how did you do it? And I told him I did it on my own. He said well do you mind if we do it again? So the two of us knelt down and we said the third step. And we did the prayer. When we stood up he looked at me and he said now if you're sincere about the decision you've just made he said by now you should be trusting in God. He said no I'm not allowing anything bad to happen to you. He said do you believe that? And at that time no I didn't believe it. But I wanted to believe it. And then he said to me well all you have to do from today on is just learn to accept everything that happens to you today. The good and the bad. Don't argue. Don't struggle. Don't fight it. Just accept it as being God's will for you. Just for today. And do the same thing tomorrow. And I remember looking at him and thinking shit that'll never work. But I'm going to try it just to prove him wrong. And today is the fourth of May. And I've been doing that now for the last 11 days and 4 weeks and 27 years. And it's never wrong. And I dare you to try it. And come back and tell me what happens to you. It's incredible. Absolutely. And people wonder you know why I feel so passionate about AA. God Almighty. It took me a few months. That day before I left him he said excuse me I'm watching the time. He said all you have to do is when you go home get a writing pad and write down everything you can remember up until you were 15. And again the defiance in me I remember saying to him wait a wee minute pal. I didn't start drinking until I was 21, 22. He just smiled. He said Willie get a writing pad and write down everything you can remember up until you were 15. And he said it's not a race. It took me over a month to get the first part of it down. I went down and I shared it with him. And he could point out to me that even at the age of 15 because of the effects of this illness through the family illness that I suffered from the illness of alcoholism. Up to the age of 15 I was a thief and a cheat and a liar and a womanizer and my sex conduct I'm still not too proud of it. That was all these things. And when I was leaving him that day he said now I want you to continue doing the same thing for the rest of your life in five year cycles. And he said you worked in the gambling industry didn't you? I said yep. He said alright. He said I'll have a bet with you right now. He said I've no idea the things that you might tell me happened later on in your life when you started drinking when you went to London. He said I'll have a bet with you right now. That it's just a repetition of everything you did up until you were 15. And I remember looking at him and thinking are you in for a surprise? The things I've done. I used and abused people of right, left and centre. Women in particular. With no thought or consideration for their feelings or emotions. You know I'm exactly what this book talks about. An extreme example of self will run riot. It took me a few months to finish my fifth step. My fourth step. And I decided to share it with Andy Davison the guy that introduced me to the book. And Andy came to my house on a Sunday morning. And I was still apprehensive. You know there was some things that I had done in my life. Mainly to do with sex. That I vowed you know I'll never share these with another living soul. I'll take them to the grave with me first. And you know the day of my last drink I nearly did that. I was ready to put a rope round my neck and finish it. But Andy, God bless him, Andy came to my house that morning. And before I got a chance to tell Andy anything. Andy started and he shared in depth the exact nature of his wrongs. And that gave me the courage and the confidence to go on and admit the exact nature of my wrongs. That session lasted over six hours. It was a long day and physically I felt drained. But mentally or emotionally or spiritually or call it what you like. I felt as high as a kite. I felt as though a tremendous weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wanted to run out and tell everybody. You know from the guy that six hours previously was apprehensive. I heard Chuck Chamberlain in one of his talks he describes it as being like an inside shower. And that's what it feels like. You know I was clean on the inside as well as the outside. And it's a feeling that I still enjoy. Incredible. Step six and seven in this programme is only a prayer. And it tells me after I've finished the fifth step that we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour. An hour. Not for months and weeks I think. For an hour. You know we review what we've just done and then we take steps six and seven. As I said it's only a prayer. Step six says that we became entirely ready for God to remove these defects. And I can assure you at that time for the amount of damage I had done the people I had hardened I was entirely ready for God to remove my defects of character. Then it says we humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings. Could God remove my defects of character? In a heartbeat. In a heartbeat. Do I think he does? No I don't. I think my God loves me enough that he leaves his wither, defects of character and shortcomings for the rest of their lives to work on them. See I believe that my God won't do anything for me that he hasn't already given me the ability to do for myself. And it's interesting. In the first step it says you know we admit the exact nature of our wrongs. It doesn't say we admit the wrongs. It says we admit the nature of our wrongs. And if you go to your dictionary the word nature just means inbred characteristics. There's a great description of it in the twelve and twelve and it's in step six where it lists a universally acknowledged list of seven deadly sins and I suffered from every one of them. And at times I still do. So when we finish the four step we can take step five the same day. An hour later we can take step six and seven the same day. We can make our eight step list the same day. And we can start on step nine all the same day. So it doesn't have to take weeks or months or years to go through this programme. Now let me also be quick to add. When I came to the eight step for me I remember saying to Andy Andy I wish they'd have left out the last word. Because in the eight step it says we made a list of the people that we'd harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. I wish they'd have left out that last word. Because I remember saying to Andy you know Andy I can't do this because there's one guy. And I told this man right to his face if I ever see you in this area again up at this car right over here I'm going to put you on top of you. And he knew I meant it. And I'm not proud when I tell you that the last few years that my mother was alive she lived in abject terror that I was going to end up in prison doing a life sentence. Because the man that I would not make amends to was the very same Catholic priest that gave me the last rites in 1971. He married my wife. And I remember saying to Andy you know I can't do that. Andy said to me Willie you're going to have to pray for him. I said pray for him? I'd bury him in my front garden. When I was drinking you know I was very vicious and vindictive and violent. And again I don't say that to impress anyone or to you know I was just the kind of guy I was. So Andy said to me Willie you're going to have to pray for him. He said well Father you're drinking again. And I didn't want to go back to the hell that I'd come out of. And I started praying for that man. I didn't mean it at first. But gradually over the time I ended up praying for him and for asking my God to give him the same blessings as he'd given me. The ninth step to the best of my ability I have made direct amends. And you know the words in the steps are very precise and very specific. Direct amends means face to face. It doesn't mean running around knocking doors and saying I'm sorry. I've done that all my life. Never meant it once. You know I had a lot of amends to make. Mainly to my family, to my parents and close friends. And a lot of them accepted it you know with good grace. Some of them didn't. And I don't blame them. Because I did a lot of damage. You know. I was drinking. Step 10, 11 and 12 in this book tells me you know I try and practice this every day in my life. It tells me in there if there's anything bothering me today it can only be one of four things. Selfishness, dishonesty, resentment or fear. And it tells me what to do about it. And I try. And I try every day. And I fail every day. But I keep on trying. You know. You know no matter how long we're sober today we never rise above being human. You know if you cut that it bleeds. I think there's only one guy in this world who was perfect and they crucified him. And I don't think I'll be next. But that's the way I try and live my life. I started coming over here to Orlando in 1991. At that time I was seven years sober. And I'd love to spend the next few hours telling you about my American experiences. You would not believe it. But it's true. I come over here just to go to meetings. Because the first few years I was sober I was sitting at home listening to American and I stress American cassettes. The circuit speakers. And I was hearing stuff on there. You would never hear it in the meetings in Scotland. A lot of them. You still wouldn't hear it in the meetings in Scotland. And I loved it. It was great. I got introduced to Joe and Charlie very early on. And I would sit at home and listen to them. And I'd been studying the book for a few years. And they were coming out with stuff. And I'm approaching myself and thinking well how the hell did I not think of that? You know. They really opened my mind and my eyes. Fabulous stuff. When I started coming over here at first you know a lot of my family were saying oh you're going to Orlando. Wait till you see the Magic Kingdom. And wait till you go to Epcot and Sea World. I wasn't interested. You know if the crowd's going that way I'm going that way. I come over here just to go to meetings. And I love going to meetings. I want to try and get on with it. In 1994 I was over here for three months in the winter. I would usually come over for the month of July. And then I'd come back again before Christmas time for three months at a time. And I could afford to do that because I'd started up in a brand new business. You know my God just opens doors for me and he puts people in front of me. And I love telling the men in AA what I worked at before I retired. Excuse me. For 15 years I was the official photographer at all the big dancing competitions. The Scottish Highlanders. The Irish Disco Ballroom. Latin Americans. You name it. I was a guy. And I love telling the men in AA that I photographed some of the most beautiful looking women and girls all over the country. And at times they had hardly any clothes on. And they paid me. Don't tell me God doesn't get a sense of humour. In 1994 when I came over here after the three months I went back home to Scotland and I went to a Monday night meeting in Glasgow. A meeting I'd been going to for years. And I knew everybody in the room. But this particular night there was a big guy sitting down at the bottom of the room. And I didn't know who he was. I went down and stuck my hand out. And he said my name is John. And as soon as he said it I could hear the American twang. And I said to him are you here on vacation John? And he said no. He said I'm here as part of my job. I said what do you work at? He said I'm a Catholic priest. And later on that night he asked me for my phone number and he asked me if I could sponsor him. And Rich is sitting there and he met him a few weeks ago in my house. He's now back in Washington DC. And we get on well together. Father John is now 36 years solar. It's incredible. And he's become my spiritual advisor. Whenever we're together one thing we never talk about is religion. We talk about AA. He's a really good friend. A very dear friend. The 11th step in this program talks about prayer and meditation. I remember listening to one of the circuit speakers years ago I call Ray O'Keefe. Some of you have heard him. I know. Listening to him you hear him saying at one point there's another fine form of meditation. And that's what each of you are engaged in right now. You're listening. And over the time I've been sober I've listened to countless AA circuit speakers. I've become a great listener to them. When I get sober at first we used to send to a tape library over here in Brownwood in Texas to a guy called Bill O'Neill. His wife is a very popular Al-Anon speaker. Her name is Arbutus O'Neill. And the guy, we would put our money together and send over and maybe buy a dozen cassettes and he would send us 30 or 40. Since I was living on my own and I was unemployed well I get the job of making copies for everybody in the group. And that's how it started for me in service. Then I graduated to CDs and now I'm on the DVDs. And it's incredible. But prayer and meditation I think the greatest prayer that I can offer my God is the way I live my life. And they tell me in this book the spiritual life isn't a theory. I have to live it. I have to live it. And for me that is just about leading a clean, decent, honest life. And I try and do that to the best of my ability. I've got the greatest admiration and respect for any woman who comes to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I mean that sincerely. Because any woman before they come here they have already suffered years of abuse. Either mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, sexual. And they come to AA and the first guy that comes along and offers them a kind word and a bit of consideration. Emotionally they can't cope with that. And it's been my experience to see quite a number of men in AA taking advantage of these women. And I was one of them. I did it during the 12 years I was going in and out as I've said. But that taught me a very important lesson. That we literally are dealing with people's lives in AA. You know the kitten has to stop. Step 12 is part of the reason why I'm here tonight. To try and carry a message. But it's not Willie's message. You know in step 12 it says we're asked to try and carry this message. And I didn't know what this message was. And again, Andy Davidson, God bless him. This is the third edition. And it's on the fly cover. About half way down. It says that this is the third edition. New and revised. That the pages 1 through 164 remains unchanged. Then it says this is the AA message. That's the message I'm asked to carry. And over the time I've been sober. Please believe me when I tell you. I never set out at any time to memorise any parts of this book with the intention of going to the meetings to try and impress people. But over the time I've been sober the vast chunks of it are ingrained in there and in there. That's me. Willie Anno. I'm just a wee guy from Scotland. And in the 12th step you know they asked me to practise principles in all my affairs. I used to think the word affairs meant affairs. It doesn't. And even when I was drinking you know I loved my principles. They were my principles. You know. And they stood me in good stead while I was drinking. The main one was honesty is the best poverty. If at first you don't succeed cheat. That was it. Do unto others as they would do unto you. Only do it first. Oh dear. And I thought it was alright. Today I'll just try and lead a clean decent honest life. It's no big deal. And it's a lot easier for me to lead this kind of spiritual life than it was the kind of life I led previously. I'd like to go back to the summer of 1998. Up until that time I'd had no contact with my three children. Because my ex-wife was and still is very bitter against me. But in the summer of 1998 I got a letter from my youngest daughter her name was Geraldine. And it told me that she was a patient in the psychiatric ward of a hospital not far from where I lived. And would I go and see her. I was in that hospital within an hour. And when I saw her in the corridor I didn't even recognise her. She was like a skeleton. She was leaning up against the wall and just shuffling down. Geraldine had been a nurse. And she injured her back lifting one of the patients which is a common complaint with nurses. And she had become addicted to prescription drugs. And she was like a zombie. Although I had the business at that time and I was working all over Britain. My business came to a standstill for the next six months. And I spent every day or every evening either at Geraldine's house or in my house. And I tried the best I possibly could to try and help her. And I just couldn't get through to her. On the 2nd of January 1999 I was asked to speak at a meeting in Scotland. And I was telling the people in the room about my daughter and the state she was in. And I remember saying to them that night that I had admitted that I was powerless over Geraldine. And that she made my life unmanageable. And that I had come to believe that only a power greater than me could restore her to sanity. And I made the decision that night to turn her will and her life over to the care of my God as I understood Him. That was Saturday night the 2nd of January 1999. The Tuesday after that I got a phone call in the afternoon from my son that I hadn't had any contact with for years either. His name's Liam. And Liam told me that Geraldine was dead. She had hanged herself. I assumed that she had hanged herself the night before, the Monday night. It wasn't until the next day, the Wednesday when we got the autopsy report that Geraldine had hanged herself on the Saturday night. The night that I had turned her on. I'm very grateful to God. I thank God at that time for all the friends that I had over here for all the years I'd been coming. Because for that week leading up to the funeral you know there was all my family and friends and AA members that were all in my house every day and every evening. And they would all go home maybe 11, 12 o'clock at night because they had their own life to get on with their jobs and families. But you see when it's midnight in Scotland it's only 7 o'clock in the evening over here. I was on the phone every night of the week for hours and hours and hours and I didn't care how much it cost. And I was calling my friends here in Orlando or down in Melbourne, down in Naples. I was calling Father John up in Washington DC and I broke my heart crying. And the things that happened within that week it would take me another couple of hours to try and explain it to you. The day of my daughter's funeral. That's another episode in itself. But I swear to God that during everything that was going on then the thought of a drink never even crossed my mind. And that's the miracle of AA. That's the miracle of it. And people wonder why I feel so passionate about AA. It's incredible. I retired about 7 years ago. I developed a lung disorder and it's not caused by smoking. They don't know what the hell's caused it. Since then I've become very breathless and I had to give up my work. And I miss that. But you see I just go where I'm pushed. My God just opens doors for me and he puts people in front of me. People like you. And since I've been retired and living over here I've become more and more involved in service work in AA. And I don't mean at the service structure level, you know. I had enough of bad experiences of that in Scotland. I just do my own thing quietly in the background reaching out to other people. Some of you in here know some of the things that I do in AA. And I do it, as Chuck Chamberlain said, for free and for fun. I feel that I owe such a tremendous debt of gratitude to AA for what it's given me. And I feel that it's a debt that I can never fully repay. But I promise you it's a debt that I will never stop trying to repay. Everything I have today I owe it to Alcoholics Anonymous and to my God. And right now I'm in the process of getting back to nothing again. And it's a great, great experience. Trust me, I could go on for hours. It's a big problem I have any time I'm asked to speak at a meeting is to try to get me to shut up. Because I love it so much. And I want to give this to everybody. This is an incredible book. It really is. As I said at the start, this is a book that saved my life. It changed my life. And it made my life worth living. You know at times, you know I often wonder, if our co-founders were here tonight, I wonder what they would say. And somehow I can hear Dr. Silkworth saying, you know, urge every alcoholic to read this book through. And though perhaps you came to scoff, you may remain to pray. I can hear Bill Wilson saying, if you're an alcoholic who wants to go over it, you may already be asking, what do I have to do? And he says it's the purpose of this book, to answer these questions specifically. This book gives us precise, specific, clear-cut directions. And all we have to do is keep it simple and follow the directions. That's how simple it is. And if I can do it, anyone can do it. The world record for sobriety, and my friend Jack's sitting there tonight with 37 years and I've got 27, the world record has never been beaten in the last 75 years. It's 24 hours. That's all we've got, a daily reprieve. And it's incredible. I can hear Dr. Bob, the quiet man of AA, but he wasn't so quiet. I can hear him saying, you know, if you think you're an atheist, or an agnostic, or a skeptic, or suffer from any other form of intellectual pride, which prevents you from accepting what's in this book, I feel sorry for you. And personally I would like to add, and so do I, you don't know what you're missing. This is, this is one of the greatest things since sliced bread. You know, I just love it to bits. And I, and I hope it continues for years to come. But I feel I've taken up enough of your time and I just thank you all, each and every one of you. I'll finish off by using the words of my first sponsor, Father McLaren. Any time he spoke at a meeting, he would finish off by saying that Alcoholics Anonymous didn't come into existence to make life easy, but it did come into existence to make men and women great. And I would like to thank each and every one of you tonight for listening to me. Because tonight again, I feel great. Thank you.