Twelfth Step Brought Me Back to the Podium So I Don’t Forget Where I Came From – Joy B.

Let's have an AA meeting. My name is Noelle, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NABRA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. And now I have the pleasure of introducing the speaker. Tonight's speaker is Joy. We share the same home group, which meets here at 545, and over the years it's just been an absolute joy to get to know her. At first glance, she's gorgeous. I mean, who wouldn't want to have those legs, right? I mean, perfectly. But just listening to her share, she's transparent and vulnerable, and that's allowed me to get to know her and watch her go through really tough times and come out on the other side sober, and she has a wicked sense of humor. So with that, I give you Joy. Well, here I am. And I'm so glad it's raining. That's what I said tonight. I'm like, well, it's raining. People might not come. That'll be good. I hate this game. This thing's so loud. Is this loud to you guys? Is this loud to me? Okay. Well, I am Joy. I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is May 31, 2007. And I did actually. I tell my story, I guess, about four years ago when I first came in, and it was horrible. I was sweating under my armpits, and I could barely talk, and I'm sure there were things that I didn't say. And so when I was here, I guess about two weeks ago, I said to Tim, I want to tell my story again. And you know he hopped on it. He got out his phone and his calendar, and he said, well, when do you want to do it? I'm like, oh. So anyway. I don't like to talk in public. I really don't, because I have a slight speech impediment, which I have talked about before. And the fact that I can stand up here and do this and not be scared is one of the benefits of AA. The first time I told my story, I actually cried all the way through it. And I hope I don't do that this time, because that AA has done so much for me. That when I think about it, I become overwhelmed. I still become overwhelmed. This has been a fantastic thing for me. It has changed my life. See? I'm starting to cry already. It's made me a better person, a better friend, a better mother, a better employee, because I used to not even go to work, and when I would go to work, I'd be kind of buzzed up. So it's just. I've done so much. But, so, okay, I'm going to tell my story. But what I have wanted to say is that I have got this device called Speech Easy, because it's supposed to make you not stutter. And I fought for this thing, man. I went to the Georgia Vocational Center and I said, I need this Speech Easy thing to put in my ear, so I won't stutter anymore. And I went through all this stuff. I went through meetings. And . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And, all my papers, and went and talked to all these people, and I got it, right, I was so happy. Well, when I put it in my ear, I found out I still had to work to not stutter. So I was going to use it tonight, but I'm not because it feels strange, but it's just something I just like to have because it kind of makes me feel like if I put it in my ear, I might be able to say things better. But that probably won't happen. But anyway. . . . . . . The reason why I had wanted, you know, to tell the story again was because of the twelfth step. It says that having a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to all alcoholics. And it dawned on me, God, I hope I can do this without crying, and that one of the reasons why I like to tell the story is because I have to remember where I came from. And I have to remember how far I've come. And if I don't remember it, then I'll go back out. And if I don't know that it took me all this work to be able to stand behind this podium, then I'm going to forget that, and I don't want to ever forget. So that's why I tell it, too. So with that being said, I'm from a small town in West Virginia. I was going to a dad and a mom. My mom, she was 17. My father was 21. He was a hardworking person. Oh, thank you, honey. He knows I'm going to ball. He was. A hardworking person. My mother was a stay-at-home mom. And they tried to do the best that they could do. But there was always a sense that it was about a party. I mean, even when I was young, I mean, it was partying on Sundays after church with, you know, with all of the cousins. It was partying, you know, on the Saturday nights. And you just felt, after you got off work, you had to have a drink. And that's what they did. That's how I was raised. There was no one to tell me that that was something that could lead to a bad thing, you know. So this is, I mean, that's just what they did. And I think that I grew up in a family that actually, I think that they actually loved me. In fact, I know that they loved me. But. But. But my dad had a speech impediment. And that I used to blame him because he gave the speech impediment to me. I was like, why, of all the things you give me, that's what I get from you. And that I found out that only one in one million girls stutter. And I was like, what the hell? Excuse me. So anyway. I mean, why did I get that, right? But it just always made me feel like I didn't belong. And it would make that I was scared to speak in public, scared to speak in class, scared to even talk to people. So not only was I a stutterer, but I was really tall. And I was like six feet, maybe like a 12. So, I mean, it was terrible. And so I just didn't feel like I belonged, you know. And so I used to sit on the porch and I would just read all the time. That's what I would do. I was always a reader because I would get lost in, you know, in books. But when I was 10 years old, my parents got a divorce. And my mother was left alone and she had never worked. And I think she kind of had a mini nervous breakdown. And she had no idea what to do with us. She said, oh, my God, I have these three kids, I have no money, what am I going to do? And because of that, she took her eye off the ball. Which, you know, someone that's tall and has a lot of insecurities, that's the worst thing a parent can do. Because that's when you get in all kind of trouble. So she got a divorce. And you know what? She was going through all of these changes and she started, you know, to drink. And she used to drink a lot because she was very unhappy because she was by herself. And by that time, I was 12 years old and I was happy she was off her game. I was like, yay, I can do what I want to do now. She's at home drunk or she's at home doing some other stuff. And that was good, right? I was bad. So when I was 12 years old, I discovered that if I drank wine and got involved with some other substances, that I could talk. And I was at ease. And I was the life of the party. And guys thought I was cute. And I was at home. And it never stopped. It started maybe when I had just turned 12 years old. And I did that. And I did that for 30 years. Everything I did. Everything. I had to be inebriated or I had to be just a little buzzed up, you know. And so, I mean, I started to lie and sneak out the house and just get in a lot of different stuff. And I had a baby when I was... I was 15. Because I was out there. I was off to the races. But when I think about it, I think God kind of intervened. Because if I didn't have her, I think I really would have just went all the way down a bad path. I know I would have. But when I had her, you know, it was kind of like, well, I'm still going to party, but I have to come home. Or I'm still going to party, but I'm going to have to finish. I'm going to have to finish school, you know. So, I stayed in school. And I graduated from... I'm in high school. But I was a mediocre student because that's what alcoholics are, right? I mean, I was a mediocre student. I would go to school and I would leave and I'd go party. And I would tell lies to get back in class. So, half the time I wouldn't go. But I did manage to graduate with a C. C average, mind you. And I was confused about, you know, I mean, what am I going to do? You know, I'm from a very small town. And I had no idea what to do. And God intervened again because there was a high school teacher that had said to me, have you ever thought about going to college? College? Well, no, but I'm not doing anything else, right? So, so that's what I did. I decided to go to college. And I still did the same thing. Same behavior. I continued to indulge and drink all through college. So, I was a mediocre college student. And everything I did was about having a drink or, you know, doing something else so I, you know, could stay up. And every boy I dated, he, he had to have, you know, some kind of access to some stuff or I wasn't going to be bothered with it. I mean, you're going to have to have alcohol or get me in a bar or, you know, something has to happen. And every girlfriend I had, she had to be a part of the same crowd. And I just did that. I, I did that all through college. And I don't know how I got through college. I really don't. But it was always the hand of God. That always watched me. That's how I know there's a God. Because actually, I probably should have been dead. Because I used to go into some crazy places and do some crazy things. So, then I, I did. But you know what was funny is that I, I, I had went to college and I got a, a degree in business administration. And I got mad because people would not hire me in a corporate environment with a $100,000 job. Even though half the time. I didn't go to work. I'm like, well, they won't give me a chance. What is wrong with these people? It's because I'm tall. It's because I'm stuttered. It's because I'm black. It's because nobody likes me. Well, it was because I was an alcoholic and I didn't have the time when to go to work and I didn't do what I was supposed to do. But I thought I was fine. I really thought I was fine. So, I decided I should move and come to Atlanta. I should come here. And I was going to get this great job. And I was going to change. And I was going to change my life and all these wonderful things were going to happen. But, but if you carry the same behavior, you know, somewhere else, it really doesn't matter. Because I came here with the same behavior. I still, all I was concerned about, I mean, besides, you know, you know, doing some other stuff, was staying inebriated, staying buzzed. But I thought I was still going to get this job. I was going to get this great corporate job. I stood on the how I even thought that. And so, I, I, I came here and it was back in, in the 80s. Don't try to guess how old I am because it will make me mad. And, you know, but that was the time here when everybody was drinking, you know. You got off work. You went to happy hour. You know, you had your suit on. You went to these clubs. And you got two for one drinks. Not one. You got two for one so you could really make a fool of yourself. And that's what I did. I would get off work and I'd go to the bar, you know. And by this time, I had become a, I had become a master manipulator. Because I figured out that people thought I was a nice person and if I giggled enough and laughed enough, I would get what I wanted. And I had guys that, you know, would pay my bills. They would pay my bills for me if I laughed enough just to make sure that if they paid the bills, I had enough money to what? To drink and drug. That was the whole focus, you know. And I mean that it makes me ashamed, you know, to say it. But that's, that is what it is. I was a master manipulator. But I still couldn't get into corporate America because I still had the same behavior that I had always had. And, and I had a lot of, you know, jobs. And I had a lot of, you know, jobs. And I had a lot of, you know, jobs. And I had a lot of, you know, jobs. That were just mediocre jobs that I couldn't stand, you know, but they paid the bills and I still continued the same behavior. And I, I always played the victim, you know. That I'm a girl from West Virginia, I'm too tall, I stutter, I'm black, nobody's going to give me a chance. You know, it was ridiculous. But it was really because of what was inside of me. It was who I was that I did not want to face that person. But God always kept me safe. But God always kept me safe. But God always kept me safe. My, my daughter came here too. My, my daughter came here too. She was maybe seven. And I would leave her at home. And I would leave her at home. But this is what I would do. I would put her to sleep. And I would leave home and stay gone until maybe two or three in the morning. And I would leave home and stay gone until maybe two or three in the morning. And I would leave home and stay gone until maybe two or three in the morning. I would leave her by herself. And I didn't even think anything was wrong. was wrong with that. You know, I thought that was okay. As long as she was safe, as long as the door was locked, because I didn't really think about anybody else but me. I mean, I thought I was a good mom. Can you believe that? I thought as long as I came home from work and fixed some hot dogs and helped with some homework and got her to sleep, I was a good mother. And she has survived in spite of that. You know, but God always kept her safe. Because so many things could, there are so many things that could have occurred that didn't occur. And it was all because of God. I know that. And then I just, you know, continued to do just, you know, the same thing. You know, I, you know, partied, partied, partied, partied. And I... I would go to jobs and then I would get fired. And I would say, it's because they don't recognize my potential. What potential? I mean, what potential was it? I mean, half the time I was not doing a good job, you know. So then I decided that, well, that I actually met my husband at a club. I mean, and we were perfect partners. I mean, he liked to party and I liked to party. And we partied a long time. He was a nice guy. He was nice, you know, to my daughter. And we became two big partiers that left a trail of confusion wherever we went. But we partied. And he was perfect for me. Because he liked to party and I liked to party. And we fit each other's life extremely well. And I didn't have to change. Because who wants to be with someone? And I didn't have to change. Because who wants to be with someone? And I didn't have to change. And I didn't have to change. And I didn't have to be with someone if you have to change. And there was this guy that I had gone out with one night. And he had asked me, do you want to have a drink? And I had a drink. And then I said, can I have another drink? And he was like, okay, I'll have another drink. I drank that. And I said, well, can I have another one? I knew he wasn't going to call me anymore. He was like, this lady has problems. So it was easier, you know, to be with someone that was just like me. And it's kind of like it is here. I mean, that I can come here and I can speak because you all are just like me. And it was easy. And although this isn't easy tonight, it is easier because you are just like me. And so that, and he kind of helped me, too, because it kind of took the reflection off me, right? Because he was a little bit more of an alcoholic than I was. Maybe he drank a little bit more so I could hide behind him and say, well, look at me. I mean, I'm bad, but he's worse, you know? And so it was bad because it kept me from really looking at myself. Because people still thought that I was fine. They still didn't know my deep, dirty, dark secret. That I was an alcoholic addict. And that's what I was. So anyway, we started, you know, to date. And I decided that I wanted to get married. Well, isn't that the great thing to do? I mean, you know, you're not fixed yourself, but you decide that you want to get married. And the person you're marrying is a person that likes, you know, to party, too. I thought it was a great match. We got married. But he was smart enough, you know, to know that I had a problem and maybe we shouldn't get married, but I still wanted to get married. And I drug him down to the aisle. Let's get married. I want to get married. Because I thought that would change my life. Because I still had not accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic. And there was nothing that I could do until I came to terms with that. So I decided to get married. And I mean, he finally said, okay. Because I just wore him down to the ground. Marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me. And he finally was like, okay, I'll marry you. You know, I mean, I even threatened him. If you don't marry me, I'll leave you. So he was like, okay, I'll do it. So he and I did that. And during the time that we had gotten married, my brother of... I was diagnosed with AIDS. And my husband bought him a condo. And he came here. And I wanted to be there for him. Because I knew he was going to die. And I wanted to be there for him. And I thought that if he, you know, would come here, I would be this great person and I would be a nursemaid and all of this stuff. And he did come here. And I'm like, let him down. Because it was always much more important for me to drink and drug than to sit at somebody's bedside. I would come in and I would stop by and are you okay? But it was still all about me. And I remember that he died. And the last thing I said to him was, it's not all about you. Who said that? That somebody was dying. And this is when I kind of had a small light, right? That maybe something was wrong with me. Because this is my brother, who I love, who had come here and I went into denial mode and still kept drinking and not doing what I was supposed to do when it came to him. I should have been there to hold his hand. And I wasn't. And I can never make amends for that. So, and he died. And I patted myself, though, on the back. You know, like I said, at least I had him come here. You know, at least I did this. Because that's what I always did. I mean, I always did not face me. Because I would always say, at least this is what I did. At least I did this. You know, like at least I went to work, even though I wasn't sober. I mean, at least I did this. And it was the same thing, you know, with him. It had always been about me. It had always been about me. So then I decided I wanted to be a suburban wife and a mother. And we had another baby. And I was happy. Still drank, still drank. Still did the same thing. Same behavior. Didn't change one thing. The only thing I did do was... Stay sober while I was pregnant. But right after I gave birth, it was on to the races. I couldn't wait. I was like, oh, yeah, now I can party. So I had my daughter. And things were good. We were out in the suburbs. And my husband had his own business. And I went to work in his business. Wasn't that great? That meant I didn't have to be accountable to anybody. Right? I could go to work when I wanted to. I would say, I'm coming at 9. Get there at 10.30. I could say, I'm going to stay till 5. And I could leave at 4 or 3 or 2. It was perfect for me. But it was the last thing I needed. I needed to be held accountable. Still wasn't held. And that I still, like, hid behind him, you know. So, you know, we were together for 19 years. But we still did a whole lot of partying. And I was a Girl Scout leader. I was a PTA mom. I planned parties for the neighborhood kids. I mean, we had, you know, some wonderful things out there. You know, like in the suburbs. I planned these big, elaborate, you know, dinners and stuff. Did all kinds of stuff. I mean, my daughter tells me I was a great mom. She said, Mama, you did all this stuff. You baked cookies. You did all this stuff. And I was always, always, I promise you, inebriated. Always buzzed off something. She played, I think it was. I was a cheerleader. And I used to go to the game with vodka in my, in my bottle. In, in, like, the cup. I would go and, like, you know, pour out all of the Sprite. And maybe leave this much. Then pour all of the rest of it, you know, with vodka. And I'd be out there, yay! And I'd be so excited. And they'd think I was this great, excited mom. And I was just lit up. I was just lit up. I mean, I was just lit up. I was just lit up. I mean, I was just lit up. And I still thought I was fine. Because I was in the suburbs and I looked like I was good. And we had, you know, some nice cars. And, you know, my daughter went, you know, with the private school. And, but I had a secret. And it had gotten worse for me because everybody else had stopped. I mean, you know, after a while you kind of, you know, like, stop doing stuff. Because you get older and you become a person who's not going to do stuff anymore. And, you know, it was just, you know, it was just, you know, it was just, you know, it was just, you know, it was just, you know, it was just, you know, it was just, you know, it was just, you know, it was just, you know, it was just, you know, it was just a total mess. Cause you know, she liked, she was a good person. She said I was a responsible person. But I could not do that. And my secret was that I didn't want to give up, give it up. I had no desire to stop. My only goal was to figure out how I could continue doing it for as long as I could do it without anybody knowing it. And that's what I did. And it was crazy. It was a crazy life. Because it was a, it was a life that I could never have had for so long. that had no integrity, and it was not an honest life. Because I used to do things like I'd fix a Thanksgiving dinner, you know. Then after I fixed the dinner, I'd say, well, I've got about an hour to get bugged up so everybody would come. I used to plan how I was going to party. It was just not good. So he and I stayed together for 19 years, and then something finally broke. Because, you know, you can't build a marriage on a foundation that's not stable and have it last. And if both people are partying and they're doing all this stuff, you can't keep that going and have a long-lasting marriage. It's very difficult. It doesn't mean that you can't do it, but it's hard to do it. And so when I left, I said, I still made him responsible, right? Because I didn't want to look bad. I didn't want to say, there's something wrong with me, you know. I am an alcoholic, and that's why this has turned out the way it was. I put all of it on him. Oh, I was a good wife. I was the best wife to him, and this turned into a disaster, right? Because I didn't want anybody looking at me. Right? Right. Right. Right. Right. It was good, and, you know, God still, he still kind of intervened because if I would not have left, I wouldn't have had to look at myself. Because there was nothing there anymore, you know, to hide anymore. I had to look at me. And so that's what I did. I, you know, decided, you know, to start again. I was going to start my life over again, right? Still getting high, still doing the same thing. I was going to start over again. And I moved into an apartment and kept doing the same stuff. Never stopped doing the same stuff. I had managed to hold on to a job barely because I, you know, it was kind of like that I could stay places because they would think I was an extremely nice person. They would say, oh, she's so nice. Now that I wouldn't get a promotion or anything, but I, you know, could stay. So it was kind of like, it was kind of a revelation. I'll never forget it. It was May 1st. I was sitting on the side of the bed. And this had gotten bad because I, at that time, I had gone to pick my daughter up and some of her girlfriends. And I was so drunk that I couldn't see the lines in the highway. I had other people's children in my car. And I, that's when it was like, what is going on with me? Because I had got to a point where I guess it just, I had just gone over the top at that time. And I can remember that it was May 1st. And I was sitting in my, in my bed. And I was sitting in my, in my bed. room and I thought, well, I've lost everything that I have lost out of my marriage. I don't have a good job. I'm tall and I still stutter. I said, what am I going to do with myself? And I promised I wanted to kill myself because I had lived this lie for so long. And it was so hard to keep living it. It was so hard to keep this lie going. And I picked up the phone and I called a recovery center. Well, I don't know how I found it. It was like an 800 hotline thing, you know. And when I called, you know, she answered the phone and she says to me, do you drink every day? And I'm like, well, you know, still trying to lie why not just say yeah that's why I'm calling you I'm I'm like yeah most of the time I I do and this is what I do and she said do you think you're an alcoholic and you know what was really strange about it I never never called myself an alcoholic or an addict I thought I was a functional person I thought I was a functional person that just liked to get a little buzz and when she asked me was I an alcoholic I had to say yes I am yes I am an alcoholic and that was the first time in all those 30 years that I had ever said that I had never ever said that at all and um she said um can you come to the recovery center and I was like oh I don't know I mean how am I going to come to a recovery center you know for 30 days and I'm still thinking how am I gonna I said well can't I get recovered here because I'm thinking I'm gonna have to do without like you know my stuff and then I don't know if I can do without my stuff that's that might be a problem and she said it's probably best you're not in the state of you're not in the state of you're not in the state of you're not in the state of you're not in the state of Georgia which she probably was right because I probably would have went but I probably wouldn't have stayed and so I said okay and she said that I'll fix it all for you I'll I'll get in touch you know with your you know um with um your job because there's some kind of act or something you have where that you can leave work and they won't you know like fire you and um so I said okay because by that time I was desperate that was my bottom sitting on that bed I knew either I had to sink or swim and I chose to swim and that was that was God too that was God saying you can do this and so that's what I did I I got on a plane and I went to a recovery center in the state of Florida it was the best 30 days I ever spent I made lifelong friends there it was like being on a retreat I was so happy because those women were me there were women there just like me and they were you know doctors and lawyers and maids and cab drivers but they were like me and it was a fantastic experience and when I got back I I did um 90 and 90 um because I that I really really really really wanted this I I wanted it so bad because I knew God had saved me for a reason there had to be a reason I was still here um and so I'm still here and so um I I always say when when I um I'm the 12 steps that I had to admit that I was powerless over alcohol and I had to believe that God had kept me here for a reason that he could restore me to sanity because I knew I was crazy I had to be crazy and I made a decision to turn my will over to him because I didn't know what to do with myself and I had to make a search searching and fearless inventory I mean what is wrong with me why have I been doing this you know and I was ready for God to remove my character defects because I was sick of them my own self and I did believe I knew he you know I could do it and I didn't make a list of all the people I had harm and and I had to go even back you know to my ex because I had to tell him that it wasn't your fault it was important to me so I did make some direct lands I still go back and take a personal inventory keep me out of this business or I don't know why but that was the real pain at that point in time. and I still seek God every day because I know I cannot do this alone. And then I look at the promises, and it says how if that you are, you know, painstakingly about this. I mean, these promises are so true, right, because I was painstakingly because I was so tired. And I have been amazed. I'm amazed that I'm standing here in front of a microphone telling this story. And I'm amazed that I've been on the same job five years. Can you believe it, that they really value my opinion and all that stuff? And I have been able, you know, to comprehend serenity. And I do know peace. And what I do know is no matter how far down the scale you have come, this is something that always serves my soul. Because I know that God is with me. And I know that God is with me. Because that I do know that no matter how far down the scale you have come, God will use you. Because God continues to use me all the time. And my whole attitude has changed. And my life has changed. And it just goes on. And I know that God did for me what I couldn't do for myself. And are they extravagant promises? Yes, but you can do it. And if anybody is here. If anybody is here that thinks they can, they can. I am a living example. Now I'm just going to tell you what my life is like now. I have learned to live a life that is sober. I am a mother, a daughter, an employee, a friend, a volunteer, and a member of AA. And I do them all with dignity. I am neat and orderly. I actually clean my house where I leave it now. Instead of leaving it in a mess. And just trying to kick the bike. I'm the vodka bottle up under the bed. I don't blame people for all of my past mistakes. Because they're mine. And I have to own them. I went back to school this year. I got my masters. And I am there now when people need me. I don't run away. Which is really what I wanted to do tonight. But I didn't. Because I show up for events. And I try to look at my part in things when I am wrong. I am my ex-husband's best friend. And people come to me for advice. And believe it or not, I've been told I am a role model for young women. I try to make amends. Oh my goodness. Now, I just want to say that I've, I really appreciate the opportunity to come up here and tell my story. It wasn't as bad as I thought. And I am a proud member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you. Sometimes I forget my worth.