Trying To Be A Husband When You Are One Hundred Percent Self-Centered – Bill G.

of Al-Anon. And I also have a very great and a very dedicated feeling to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous because it has played a very important part in my life in maintaining and living with what sobriety I do have. Tonight I'm to introduce your speaker. And I've met him about ten minutes ago. But I have heard him speak. And I can assure you that you're in for a treat. I don't need to stand up here and tell you a lot about him. Well, I couldn't if I wanted to because I don't know a lot about him. But he celebrated his 15th birthday last Tuesday in this program. So that should tell you something right there. And without any further ado, here we go. At this time, I'm going to call on Dr. Billy S. to share with us. Billy, will you come up? I'm Bill Fristow, and I'm an alcoholic. And I think I'll faint. But it's wonderful to see so many happy faces. And it's a real privilege, not a right, but a privilege to be asked to talk down here. It's hard for me to know where to begin. I was thinking about one time when I was driving a sports car and I was full of drugs and Arbu's or both and pulled up to a stoplight to stop. And in my best judgment, I figured the place to go was up forward to go forward. But that's not what I was thinking. I was thinking about one of the drivers. And I figured that the driver was a little bit worse than that car. And I let the clutch out, gave her the gas, and ran into the guy behind me. And in my best judgment, I did the right thing with that set of gears. But it didn't work out right. I sort of came into AA that very way, backed in, as it were. And I'm reminded of a crazy little thing that I read the other day in a magazine. My boy brought home a piece of paper. And he said, you know, that's a little bit of a thing. But you don't have to. That's just some paper. You don't have to. home from college, and it was about a young lady named Bright who traveled faster than light. She departed one day, and in a relative way, she arrived the previous night. So that thing caught my imagination. I've been thinking about it for a week now. It told me something. It doesn't make sense, but it does. My alcoholism story of what happened and what it was like then and what happened and what it's like now, part of that, what happened then and what I was like then, I'll have to draw on my imagination because I can't fill in all those blanks. It went on, for about 11 years, and it started at a rather... fast, furious pace when I started in medical practice down in Jackson, Mississippi. This was where the money ran out. I'd had a number of years of training in a surgical specialty of obstetrics and gynecology. The minimum required training was three years, but I had to have five years, which should tell you something. And what it really tells you is that I was too damn lazy to get out and go to work, and I was afraid to go to work. So I'd just take another year, but the money does run out one day, and it caught us in Jackson, Mississippi. So that's where I started out in practice. Now, it seemed that all these roles that I was supposed to lead in this life of a trained specialist in... in a medical specialty, and I was well-trained, a citizen, a father, a husband, had two children at that time, a church worker, you name it, all these roles. And I didn't feel like that I could cut the mustard in any of them, because for some reason or another, I just felt inadequate for the whole thing. This was time to put the show on the road. And I didn't feel like I could cut the mustard in any of them, because for some reason or another, I just felt inadequate for the whole thing. And I didn't feel like I could cut the mustard in any of them, because for some reason or another, I just felt inadequate as it were. And I just literally fell apart immediately, it seems to me, after I went in practice. Now, I had some mechanisms going on that I didn't understand at all. And one of these little deals was some magic that I had to believe in. I had a smattering knowledge of pharmacology and what drugs would do and so forth. And I reasoned that in my desk were some sleeping pills that would certainly soothe me, and I believed that knowing what potential harm there was in them, I believed that you'd get in a terrible jam if you tried to take those things. But I didn't believe I would. And so I did this, and the first time I took them, they did just what they're supposed to do. They put me to sleep in the middle of the room. And I didn't believe I would. the day. But it did ease the tension. It allowed me to get the anxiety off my back for a little while. And I felt what I considered very normal and comfortable and free of tension. Now, I would have preferred, I think, to have had about eight ounces of bourbon, but it had an odor. And I was trying to build a practice, and you just can't hold your breath 30 minutes. You're not in close quarters. You turn blue. But I thought I could act it with this sedative medication. And so I set forth with this newfound armament to soothe me through the first medical practice. Well, after two weeks, that medical practice hadn't fully developed, and it was a terrible disappointment. And I began... And at that time, to want to move. I had started in the wrong place. I was from 150 miles north of Memphis. They considered me a Yankee, and they didn't like me, and a lot of things like that. Then we had the two children very close together there. They were little tots, about first grade size. And Ruth was doing very poorly in her housekeeping, as she told you. And she was throwing a lot of things up to me. I wasn't performing my household duties to suit her. Nor my bedroom duties, either. And I was receiving some grievous hurts from her. I was beginning to wonder why I hadn't stayed smart and stayed a bachelor. to get dumb and go get married, and she was one of these women that wanted all these kids. And besides, she loved to work in the flowers, always out in the garden on her knees. And I was the kind of guy that enjoyed flowers, but hell, I didn't love them. If you love them, you will get out there on your knees and dig in them and talk to them and thump that stuff up and all this stuff and water them. And I'm the kind of bird that enjoys flowers. And I hate grass. I hate it. I'd rather paint the dirt green and be done with it. To hell with it. So I wasn't the ideal husband at all. You might say I was a little bit self-centered. I guess you could say that. You could say that. You could say that. You could say I was 110 percent self-centered, in fact, and you'd be about right. So all wrapped up in myself, I was going to be a screaming failure because I was oriented on that course. So we did move back to Atlanta after staying in Jackson a year. I really decided I was failing there, and I didn't want to be confused with the fact that I was doing better. And I was a man at that time, pardon me, a boy of 32 who thought that once you make up your mind and say what you're going to do, you don't change your course. You stick to it even if you go die in it. And I wouldn't have done very well in the Civil War either. So my ideas of masculinity in those days were really tied up with possessing a lot of power, using a lot of people, and loving a lot of things. Now that little form of loving things got me in a lot of trouble. You reverse that when you accept this program and begin to live it. You love people and use things. That's the way that's meant to be. That's the way that's meant to be. But I didn't understand that, and I knew what I wanted, and I wanted all the things that money had. I didn't have much conscience about it. I didn't have much feeling about it either. My feelings, I couldn't express very early. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you how I felt about anything, and I decided it wasn't important anyway. But I knew that what I thought was what was really important, and I'd think myself into success. I'd give a damn about my feelings. And I thought it was sort of feminine anyway, to tell you the truth. To express feelings, see a man cry and carry on is just ridiculous. So, going to Atlanta, what I didn't know was that the addiction, my budding alcoholism, was following me right on over there. Now, the drinking was like this. I got drunk the first time I ever did drink, to my knowledge. I got drunk as a coot, and I got drunk the last time I drank. And that's the way it was. My choice of drugs was absolutely a substitute for alcohol, because I had to have one or the other in order to survive. And the drinking I did then, some of it, of course, was in control. And I didn't know that there was control involved in it. Nor did I know that control was going to slip away, and that I would try to focus. I was just looking behind me on the days of control drinking and control doping, and not look at what was happening now. And that way I could deny the progression of the thing. It was snowballing. We came to Atlanta. I went to work for another physician there, an old ideal solution. I felt very safe in this. And he was the kind of man who didn't want another child in the establishment. He didn't want another child in the establishment. He didn't want any dependent personalities hanging around. And it didn't work out well at all. I stayed there three years. And now I was sort of like a flash fluid. When I drank, it was furious drinking. And when I would use drugs, it was just a furious thing. I had to add amphetamines to the thing to try to balance off all the sedation I was on, so I could function a little bit. I thought I was doing a great job, and thought I was a great guy for doing it, and was absolutely oblivious to what was going on in the family. That set up, I went in practice on my own, and was beginning to run in trouble now about staying in drugs. I was either on a bender with them, getting over a bender, or planning one. It consumed 100 percent of my time. And I think a man involved in that kind of stuff needs a cure. I think it's a good thing. It's a good thing. It's a good thing. It's a good thing. You really do need a caddy, just like a golfer, to tell him where the ball went, and carry the pills for him, and give him the right putter, and so forth. You really do need a caddy to operate successfully as a drug addict. But I would not or could not admit to myself that I really had a problem with drugs, alcohol. I felt that I must conceal this at all costs. I knew I'd be being a drug addict in a long time. 53 till uh 59 it got uh it got worse and worse uh i began to have some accidents now in uh automobile um running into public property things like telephone poles power poles uh uh mailboxes i like them and uh uh cleaning out uh the uh side table drawers in the delivery rooms of uh the nimby towel samples in the hospital i worked in piedmont hospital and went out there one time in my overalls to do that and thought nothing of it and uh i just rifled them and if i got an opportunity i'd sneak in the uh nurse's station and go through my patient's medications and take them and i thought that's a good idea in fact it just uh gave me a little extra dope income there and i didn't have to struggle so hard to keep in supply i'd get panicky uh when i began to run out so with this kind of living uh in 1959 ruth blew the whistle on me and uh of course she was totally unreasonable about it and uh she had been to check with the sheriff with uh with a another physician about how to get me uh committed uh a lawyer about divorce proceed i never heard such a uh a hailstorm as she'd brewed up for me and uh threatening me with all kinds of things and force almost and uh so i was like this man i never heard such a barrage and uh i told her immediately that i wait i'll do something i'll do something call the dogs off and uh i did something right at that point uh that was to uh just about uh do me in for the next five years i became compliant and went underground and uh began to pretend that i was cooperating was really uh interested in doing something about the situation and this nearly did me in pretending what i did not mean pretending it and the compliance i think it went like this if i could convince her and them uh whoever was going to take me for treatment that i didn't really have this problem that they say i've got then they'd get off my back and leave me alone and i'd be like oh my god i'm not gonna do this i'm not gonna do me with my baba and uh would let me and i didn't want any intervention and i resisted it and i think that uh cunning baffling and powerful uh not only applies to our alcoholism but it applies to our denial uh i was really uh it was uh earth-shaking to think about somebody taking the alcohol and drugs away from me because i was about convinced at this time that only with a chemical peace of mind could i even function uh rationally or approach normalcy i could very i could easily ignore what it was doing to me i thought i was functioning real well but that's just altered judgment i just couldn't see so i was very sick i went to the the the georgian clinic uh they threw down the ground rules to me and uh it was that you had to stop taking whatever you're taking to come over there and uh i began to reason immediately well hell if i could do that i wouldn't need to be over here so uh i could find the the escape hatch every time and did and got thrown out of there after um two or three weeks and i got back in and um i swore i wouldn't do it again and i it wasn't long until i was disrupting meetings and sitting there with my hat on and uh uh teaching the teachers and uh didn't know which hand was up and uh telling them what i needed and i was smarter than they were and uh uh blah blah blah and uh the damage was going right on around me and i thought i was going to die and i was going to die i wasn't harming anybody but myself and uh after all i'm providing them with a living i'm paying i'm buying the groceries and the clothing and paying the house payments and who the hell are they to tell me how i'm going to enjoy my life uh and this is about the size of it so uh the idea that i had a disease or this was an illness uh really hadn't occurred to me i began to get little glimmerings that uh were coming through to me uh of remorse even at this time i was also beginning to experience some blackouts on the drugs uh just as alcoholics do uh with alcohol i had really did have uh have blackouts on barbiturates and sedative drugs and uh the uh stimulant medication amphetamines were just uh just raising hell in my central nervous system and uh i went from about 170 pounds down to 118 uh was just a walking piece of rawhide that's about all this this bone skin and tendons and uh having nightmares uh desperate in any way i noticed that any time that uh i would get on the barbiturates or the sedative medication i would get on the barbiturates and sedative medication i would always end up on uh both types of medication the the opposite end the stimulants to try to get some balance in the thing because i'd be in overdoses immediately because tolerant my tolerance was increasing and as it went up the demands became stronger you don't dictate to to uh what you're taking when you're when you're on it it tells you what to do and uh i i turned it around where i thought i'm issuing the orders here and i'm not going to do that i'm not going to do that i'm not going to do that 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She was having some bleeding and pain in her abdomen. And I asked if she had any Paracart. And she said, yeah, I think so. I said, well, rub it on your stomach. And hung the phone up. And I didn't hear any more from her. And didn't think a thing about it when I dragged out the next morning and took that shower and took whatever I had to have to get me stable to drink the coffee and get going to the hospital and into the office. And I got a call from her. And I didn't even know I'd talked to her. And she said, Dr. Fristomuk. I said, what'd you do that for? And she said, well, that's what you told me to do. My husband said, that's the craziest thing you ever heard out in his life. And, you know, that really jarred me. Because I hadn't don't know that I'd really been confronted by an act of mine that had been absolutely out of control. And it scared the hell out of me. And I noticed I was beginning to defer, postpone, or refer certain major surgical cases. It just something in the back of my head said, back off, boy. And I was beginning to back away from the work. I was beginning to try to stay away from people. Stay away from them. If nobody could see me, maybe they wouldn't see me. But I was beginning to think that they wouldn't notice what was going on. And I figured it was all, it's all the people in this world that's causing my trouble. And down if I didn't have to treat them. And this was the problem. And I wanted to be alone. I really, really did. And I began to have a lot of thoughts now about suicide. I was really depressed most of the time. And really, morose. Very unhappy. I was taking depressants. And to be depressed is entirely appropriate in that situation. Not a thing wrong with it. And they do what they're supposed to do, those drugs. And going to the psychiatrist was pretty much a repetition of the Georgian clinic experience. Again, I wouldn't leave the drugs off. And we went through that one about, well, if I could leave them off, I wouldn't need to be down. And there you go. So the guy said, okay, it's your time and your money. Go ahead. And then we got into a three or four week arbitration about whether I was addicted or not. And I insisted I wasn't. And he asked me one simple question. And it's still the best one I've heard, is what happens to you when you leave it off? Well, I said, well, I fall apart. And he didn't give an answer. He let me figure the answer out. This man was very knowledgeable and very helpful and very much caring about alcoholics. And later became very, very helpful to me. He was helpful then, but in a sort of an obtuse way. I finally figured after a while that he was trying to get me to commit suicide so he could marry my wife. And that little bit of... paranoia forced me to send him a letter of resignation, which he accepted by a registered mail and told me that he wished me well and that I would need help in his opinion, that I was dangerously ill. And he urged me to seek help. And his door was open to me any time he could be of help to me. So I went back to the clinic. I made the first hospital in in 1960. I went all the way to outside Baltimore, Maryland to a psychiatric hospital and stayed there eight weeks, as Ruth told you. And I was there. My reason was that I was depressed. Now, their reason was that I was on a lot of drugs. Ruth had told them a great deal of stuff about me, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how much she had told them. And this worried me. And I didn't know I'd been committed. I thought I was just admitted. And there's a difference there. But had I known it, I'd have probably gone over the wall. And you couldn't tell me anything in those days, not anything. I had a completely closed mind. And it found its roots in fear, every bit of it. And I stayed eight weeks, and I came home. And didn't know what I was going to do. Still hadn't made a decision or decided what to do. The only alternative I had to the way I felt was to get drunk on dope or booze. That's the only thing I could use to change the way I felt. And went back to the Jordan Clinic. We had another hitch with it. And this time, I heard, a man talking in group one day about Alcoholics Anonymous. And after the meeting, I approached him. And we talked a little while. He said, I heard you talking in here. And said, you're just floundering. And said, why don't you go talk to those AA people? Why don't you call them up? Go to a meeting. Get over there where the winners are. Well, the idea of winners at this was sounding like Disney World. Winners? Well, are you kidding? So, I called Central Office in Atlanta. And in my most casual way, told them who I was. And I'm surprised that I told them why I was calling. That I had a small problem with alcohol. And would like to talk to someone at their convenience. But I was in no hurry. But the guy who called me up was in a hurry. It was about 10 minutes later. And this guy called me. And we arranged for him to meet me at my office. I thought that'd be a proper setting. And I'd get to him when I could work him in. That's kind of a deal. I thought I was in the driver's seat, you know. And and and and and and Well, I wasn't even on the wagon, the driver's seat. I was being stomped to death by the lead mule. So he told me very briefly and very openly and very genuinely his story. And I was moved. I was moved to tears. And then it was over. And I got up and left the movie. And that's about the size of it. It was like watching a television show, like Ruth said. It didn't apply to me. But I thought it was wonderful that he was there. But I had a little stuff going on there that, well, that's a hell of a way for a preacher to have lived. And a man of the cloth. How about that? What a bummer. And... I thought I was a little cut above a preacher, in my own opinion. A doctor was cut above. So I made the next hospital after I went to time. I did go to the meeting with Russell. I heard the first AA talk that I'd ever heard by a guy named George. And it was good. And again... And... I know... Now I'm having to fill in some things now that I know at that time that genuine feeling just scared me to death. I was used to doing everything just off of the top of your head, from here up. And anything down in here, I didn't understand it. Because I didn't function with feeling. And that was a feeling meeting. And I could not... I couldn't dig it. And I really also began to think that I couldn't do this. I'd never, never succeeded in it. I heard those terrible words about the poor unfortunate. And that's all I heard. That's what I retained. I seem to have been born that way. And I didn't hear another thing. And that's all I heard, that meeting. And I tried to go. And for six weeks... I abstained and stayed dry. And then I bought a horse. Now, so many stuff was happening in my life all through here that it's just very difficult to tell this in proper sequence. The horse really wasn't bought at that time. He was bought later, a year later. During the first year, I was a 10-year-old. And I was tempted to do something in the process of getting treatment. My mother and father died very close together. And this was a devastating thing to me. I just think it accelerated the process real fast for me. I got much worse. And at that time, I had lost my hospital. This happened to me. Now, back in 61, I had met a guy from... from Statesboro, Dr. John M., who we all know and love, on somebody who could beat this thing. Not that I believed him particularly, but I just couldn't believe a man could come back from something like this to a successful life. It was just amazing. And we did talk with him. We spent the night in Statesboro. And he read my mail. He could tell me right down the line what was going to happen. I didn't believe a word of it because I was still trying to do it myself, my way. I didn't know that I didn't have no way. I didn't have a way. And I don't think there is one, except right here. I don't think there is one right here. So, I came on back, and things got much worse like he said they would. It seemed like all of it was out of control now. I was experiencing... I was experiencing the unmanageability in my life, and I didn't even know what I was experiencing. But that's what it is when things are going wild around you. And every way I turned was a catastrophe. I was really accident-prone, it seemed like. Everything was ruining. I had the Midas touch, but it was backwards. Everything I touched turned to garbage. It was garbage. The second hospital was up in Toronto, Canada. I went up there to get a magic cure. I'd heard about this through another man in AA. He had gotten the message there. But I was not to get it there. What I got there was four weeks of good treatment. Again, I was still operating on that marvelous principle of don't confuse me with the facts. Don't confuse me with the facts. Don't confuse me with the facts. I already know what I think. And learned very little. I wish I had listened now. I could use it. But I didn't. So I came home, and I did learn one new thing. A new trick for me was using different non-addictive medication. It hadn't been my experience. I had tried so many things, but if you couldn't get drunk on it, to hell with it. I didn't like to take it. And this was a drug called a phenothiazine. It's a thiazine. It's a telazine. And I couldn't take it right. I took too much of it. And it made my facial muscles all paralyzed. My mouth wouldn't work. And my fingers wouldn't work. And I had a hell of a time in the office being a gynecologist. It was rough. Real tough. And I got smart, though, and contacted the druggist and found out what the counterfeit was that I had interacted with. But I got disgusted with that stuff. You just couldn't get drunk on it. And every time I'd get drunk on it, I'd get into these side effects and get all screwed up and couldn't dial the telephone and couldn't talk. It wasn't worth it. So I got back on the good old stuff that was dependable. And that's the way I planned it. I was busy now setting traps and concealing from myself the fact that I set them, so I could go fall in them and then blame you for it. And I did what you said, and now look what you made me do. That's kind of a deal. So I wasn't making much progress, except backward. And I was doing well at that. I didn't know where I was going, but I was making damn good time. It's about that way. The third hospital was the Humdinger. As far as I'm concerned, that was the granddaddy of them all. In my experience. It's one place, though, that I swore to God I'd never go. I'd never get that bad. Now, Dr. Mooney got that bad, but knowing him, I figured he would get that bad. But I wasn't going to get that bad. And I was going to show him anyway that really a strong, silent type of man like me could do this thing alone. And it was really ridiculous. The... Going to Lexington went like this. I had had a letter when I got my hospital privileges back after they... I relinquished them involuntarily for six months. And the letter said, if you ever do this again, you are out permanently because we're going to see that your license is revoked. And that was harsh language. And I sort of understood that message. It was violence. And it had been so for years. And here I turned up drunker than ever. The worst it had ever been after I got the privileges back. I just didn't figure. A lot of paradoxes were coming down on me. You would think that after six months, with only two weeks of goofing up out of the six months, that I would do better. That's the way I reasoned it. But it didn't work. I know what a high moment of pleasure it was to get the privileges back. And that's when I'm... It's a high pleasure. Things are going great and something really great has happened. And I think, I did it. That's when I'm vulnerable. And that's when I've learned now that my first love in this world, which is intoxication, that's when it's better to have some good insurance in this program. Because it may come out of the blue and strike us again. So, following getting the privileges back, I got worse. And I had another accident. I had to be taken over to the hospital. Knocked all the power out in my neighborhood. I was forever hitting municipal property, power, utility poles. And I clipped another one. So I just got out and got my wife's car. And I didn't wreck it for two days. It lasted a couple of days. And I wrecked hers. And we were out of cars. So I'd written election out of desperation for no noble reasons. Nobility had now left my life. It was no longer a motivating factor to get out the window. Hell, it was catch as catch can. Now, I was desperate. Because I could feel the hot breath of the medical society on the back of my neck. And they were snapping at my heels. And I went to Lexington to save my keister. And I won't, that's a four letter word to save my ass. And and I was real concerned about it. Because I was about to lose it. And it's the only one I will ever have. And I damn well better take good care of it. We only get assigned one. No replacement. So I went up to Lexington. I filled out the application. And I had some help to get in. I wasn't on narcotics. There was no excuse for that. It just didn't seem like a good idea. The federal narcotics agents are very rough. And they carry guns and night sticks and all handcuffs and all that kind of stuff. And I didn't want any of that. Because I'd never been in jail. It had been a nightmare. I didn't know what that was. But I was to learn. I got my comeuppance. They read over my application blank. And I was interviewed. And some of these others. And I thought that was real smart. But I didn't feel very smart that morning. I was in tears. And tears were not hard to produce. I was crying at everything. What I was really crying about is I ran out of dope. You want to know the truth. I was desperate. I didn't have a thing to take. I didn't even have an aspirin. And this guy said, You're not on narcotics. You're not supposed to come in here. And I said, If I don't go here, where in the hell can I go? I've already been to two private places. It hadn't helped me. And please let me come in here. I was desperate. He said, You might as well stay. You're here. And I brought everything that John told me I wouldn't need. John had been, John Mooney had been there before me. And he told me, You don't even need to take a toothbrush. So I ignored him and packed a footlocker with riding boots, tweed jackets, foulard ties, oxford button down shirts, a couple of topcoats, and two soft hats. And they immediately put steel bands around all that and clamped it. And sent it to the basement. And sure enough, I didn't even need to take a toothbrush. Just like he said. And I got issued those little Abner shoes and those gray pants and those gray and white striped shirts. I got a number, 69446. And it wasn't a telephone number either, brother. It was a Federal Bureau of Prisons number. And I got fingerprinted and I got a mugshot and I was taken out. The first two weeks of it I was in the detox. I was detoxed very humanely and very scientifically and very carefully and watched. And this was new to me. I'd been doing this all myself. I'd tapered off and tapered on and tapered off and tapered on for years. But I'd never really been withdrawn properly and safely. And I began to wonder what is going on in my life? How come I'm here? I also began to experience the feeling that I was in the right place for the right reason. One of the life-saving things up there was that they had two institutional AA meetings a week in the basement and I was privileged to attend these. There I ran into people who had mostly never been to AA before. It was sponsored by a man from out in town who worked with an institutional group there and was a great help to have him. Also I'd been attending AA meetings in Atlanta spasmodically standing there on the fringe. But one thing I was not doing and never had done is read the big book. And I'd been where I could get a copy in time I wanted to but I never opened it because I really didn't ought to know what it said. I really was afraid I couldn't do it anyway. And when you're born that way you just don't do anything about it. You just lay down and wait for death to ensue. So the idea of trying just hadn't occurred to me. I was really beaten. But I began to I got hold of a copy of the big book and began to read and it was marvelous the things there. I read the 12 and 12 and a statement at the end of the passage on the first step says we became as open minded as only the dying can be. It was a little bump it just did again but I think it's true. Another statement at the end of the section or chapter on the spiritual experience in the big book there is a principle that's a bar against all learning proof against all argument a guarantee of everlasting ignorance is contempt prior to investigation. It had really not occurred to me that I had a completely closed mind before I ever became an addict or an alcoholic. I never knew it. That I couldn't be told anything. I had to believe what I believed desperately because it's all I could depend on is what I knew. I was a fact worshipper but I knew very little. I knew the price of many things but I knew the value of very little. I was a damn fool. I had no education. I was educated beyond my intelligence almost to the portals of damn Fulham. And this is a serious illness. It was part of my illness that I thought if you learn enough stuff out of books then man you can wing it the rest of the way and they'll never know the difference. Just wing it. And it just don't work in living. I didn't know how to live and I didn't know I didn't know. And you can get in such a you can get so lost that way. It's like the man who was on the sailboat and thought he knew where he was going but he didn't know somebody had dropped a magnet down by his compass and he ended up God knows where but he didn't know he was lost. So when you get lost and you don't know you're lost and you're making good time boy you're out there. Think about the situation. And I didn't know where to get back to from. You know. I just didn't know which end was up. My reasoning powers were all fouled up. The drugs and alcohol had done a hell of a job on my head. And I began to realize after oh gosh after two weeks up there I was off all medication all of it. I began to run into the problem of not being able to sleep. And I had become sort of a fire with this book though. This book now was sustaining me what I'd read in it. I'd begun to realize that man I had no idea that these people really meant what they were saying in their impressions about God and their relationship with God. And I'd heard some good things. I'd heard Virgil and Margaret say some really good things in AA meetings. Russell had filled me with a lot of good things. Steve back there gave me one that I love about the iron rule. And that is don't do nothing for nobody if it's better that they do it for themselves. I love that. It's hard but it's right and just. The idea that God really did care what happened to me but that I didn't care what happened to me blocked God helping me. And I think God had to sort of personally intercede not that I was anybody special but I think God really saw that well this is really going down the drain if I don't show him where the stumps are. He's trying to walk on the water but the poor little thing don't know where the stumps are. And he's going to drown. So I began to really feel comfortable about God. The idea of His ruling with a bullwhip began to fade away. And that He did have concern and was a source of strength. Not that I've ever seen God. Not at all. I think He'd been concealed behind too many stained glass windows for me to get a good clear picture sometime. But the idea that there was an ever present help was a comforting source of strength to me at a time when I was experiencing absolute blackness of spirit and lack of hope and absolute disappearance of all strength. And that is what I think was for me the bottom. I had heard about people talking about the bottom. I thought several times that well this is the bottom. But it wasn't. It was the false bottom. At the real bottom we turn it around and we come back. Or we start back. I thought when I was asked have you surrendered. I was asked this very too soon. But it's no too soon or too late in here. My answer was clearly surrendered what to whom. But I really didn't know surrender. So I think I experienced surrender at the time I hit what for me was a psychological, social, physical, moral, spiritual, economic, and professional bottom. I was out of gas. And I cried out for help. I want help desperately. What I wanted and what I needed had been a conflict I had never been able to resolve. And AA made me an offer that I couldn't refuse. And I said hey I really want that. I want it. And it was positive. So things didn't get alright all of a sudden. My job up there was in the sewage disposal plant. And I did that to get away from all those people. And got out there working in the manure heaps. I couldn't do anything right at the end. And realized it. And felt bad about it. The things that I thought were important were unimportant. And I lost all bearings. And the program began to point out to me that it's simple, through simplicity that we're going to learn something about the profound nature of this life. And I quit asking those fool questions about mysteries that don't need to be solved. Who's asking? Just accept them and go on. I got in my pre AA days where I could expound for an hour on why I can't make the AA program. And it made complete sense to me. Very logical. But the people I was telling it to were always having this very puzzled look. And doing this. And I thought they meant they didn't understand. And that's all it meant to me. I couldn't see the woods or the trees. All I thought I needed was to control probably drugs and alcohol. And if I could do that then I could lead a normal life. Coming home from Lexington back to Atlanta I found that Ruth now had been involved in Al-Anon for a good period of time now. And was very successful in it in working out solutions for heavy problems. She was staying afloat. And I'd been trying to sink her for years and she wouldn't sink. And was surviving this thing. It was tough but we had to together begin to learn basic living. She had already known it but I had no knowledge. And didn't want to know. Didn't think it was important. And the practice was sadly depleted. It had about all gone away. And yet that was a good thing because the first year back it gave us time to go to a lot of meetings and get really involved in a lot of meetings in AA. And beginning to develop a capacity to like to be with people. I'd want to shun all people. And this is part of the illness to me. It's part of the alcoholism. It wants to cut me off and isolate me. And then finally it can kill me when I'm all alone. But people was the treatment I needed. There were no pills for what I had. Just people. So things began to go better and the practice came back very slowly. And this was good because I couldn't stand success. I don't do too well with failure. But I tried to treat those two imposters just the same. And things improved. Our relationship in our own home and with our children have improved over the years. Now 33 years ago, my children are gone, all four. The last one's gone off to college. And we're left only with the bird dog. And now she's going to move out on us and go to college with our son. So we have our AA lives left to us. And it has been richly rewarding to us. I left my practice. By the way, it thrived. It came back and did well. And got real robust. It got so robust I couldn't keep up with it. And I did 22, 23 years of it. The first 11, I did it quite drunk. The last 12, I did it sober. And you were lucky if you were in the last 12. I'm going to tell you right now. Because you might be rubbing Paragark on your stomach. Laughter Laughter Oh boy. I don't think that I could pull this thing off again. You know, I was amazed that night. I always say I want to have a birthday. That back in the beginning, I thought I'd never survive the first year. It was just a very painful thing. I was realizing I was going to make it. But I still felt like you don't really deserve it. Guilt was still operating on me. And yet I was paying the blackmail to the guilt. And when are we paid up? That's the question. I began to feel better gradually. I had the first birthday and began to turn outward more to my family and people around me. And began to realize what I had missed. I just hadn't grown up. I was 44 when I became about 17 or 18 I think. And now I'll be 60 this fall and I feel 78. Laughter So I think it's a gradual thing. It's a way of life. I've discovered now what I couldn't discover back in the beginning is that AA is for people after they've given up their boozing and their doping. You can't really get it when you're befogged. I couldn't. Maybe you can. I couldn't do it. And it was amazing how all my good intentions would fly out the window once I'd go back to the drugs or alcohol after I'd been off of them. In those self-enforced periods of sobriety back there. Self-enforced abstinence was all it was before I tried to do anything about it. Another thing that surprised me and I'll tell you this. From the beginning of my trying to do something about this thing to when I began to establish this present period of sobriety took me five years. And I thought that I could do it any day I pleased when I got ready. I was told this by Dr. Fox that it may take you two to five years to really begin to get well. And I thought that's the craziest thing I ever heard. And I was real angry with her about it. To treat me like that. Why couldn't she tell me something good? Something happy. You know, tell me something happy. And she was right. It took me five years to get to this. The idea of when I went to these hospitals they were necessary for me. I think I'd be dead probably without the hospitalization that I had at the time. And my falling down or blindness inability to see that no hospitalization was going to help me and don't do anything else about it. Go to the hospital and then forget it. Leave it there. That don't work. The idea of ongoing treatment for the rest of my life I didn't like. Now I do like. I came to AA because I had to come. I was sort of dragged here, don't you know. I went to meetings because I ought to until I learned to go because I want to and I love to. I love to try to practice these principles. I love to try to practice these principles. They seem to have thought of everything in this program. Everything. They've covered it all. I see that my time is about up because I'm about out of wind. And we have other fish to fry. So it's been a pleasure. I want to leave you with this thought. Me and the work that I'm doing now with the VA in Atlanta in their alcohol and drug program. It's something I learned from a minister. In a school for alcohol studies. I got in his counseling course. I thought I was there by mistake the first day. I wanted to get in with the psychiatrist. And that was the wrong place and that's not where I should be. And here. Let it be. And it was a good thing. I was the only croaker in with a bunch of preachers. I learned I was a croaker at Lexington. You're not a doctor up there. You're a croaker. So this man said that God does not call people to be successful in treatment of alcoholism. He calls them to try. And it's been a comfort to me. Thank you for listening. I had a different vantage point tonight. I was sitting back behind the speaker and I had a chance to look out over the faces of the audience here. Of all you people. And it's amazing the way you responded to Billy. I could see that you were pulling for him and up and down. You were laughing with him at his misfortunes and past experiences. And I caught myself getting into the act too. I kept saying I wish you'd get into AA and get some help. At one point there I said, Billy, if you have to go to the hospital one more time, you'll never make it. You know, it's doubtful that I'll be able to recall the spirit of this moment, say in the morning. But tonight is a very special feeling. So I want to take this opportunity to personally thank Billy for the part that he had in this particular feeling that we have right here, right now. For the tremendous impact that his talk had on me and as I'm sure that it did on you. And I also want to thank all of you for being here tonight, for sharing and for caring for your part in this program. And for the great spirit of the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's truly been a pleasure and an honor for me to be able to chair this meeting. So I'm going to ask everyone now to stand and join hands and we'll close with the Lord. Let's pray. I have one announcement. A gold charm bracelet has been lost and if it's found, take it to the desk in the hall.