Tried the Geographic Cure in Every State Before I Tried the First Step – Lori S.

My name is Isla. I'm an alcoholic, and I am so grateful to be sober today. Welcome to Monday night's Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NABACLOB, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, with one year or more, tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many... ...alcoholic men and women in our room tonight, and listening later on aabluechipspeakers.org ...desperately in need, will hear our speaker. And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say yes. I am one of them, too. I must have this thing. I had forgotten... ...in a matter of weeks... ...just how beautiful our speaker is. Stunning. And I appreciate your willingness to share your experience, strength, and hope with us. And let's give Lori a big welcome. Hey, I'm Lori. I'm an alcoholic. Yes, I'm nervous. Everybody kept asking me. I'm extremely nervous. Um... I have a disease that centers in my mind. And I've got a huge community up there. And half of them are telling me I'm going to do great. I'm a good alcoholic. I'm a real alcoholic. The other half is telling me I'm a fraud. And I'm going to do terrible. And they're fighting with each other. And I don't know if anybody can relate to you to that. That is pretty much what I've struggled with my entire life. My first sponsor told me when I get asked to do my story to just pray. And come up here and share my experience, strength, and hope with you. What it was like to be a part of the community. What it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. And so I hope that God will use my story and something I say tonight will help somebody. I do have a couple notes, just in case I go completely blank. I grew up in Michigan. Everything that we did growing up involved alcohol. My parents drank. When we were younger, everybody drank. You know, alcohol everywhere. So I never knew what it was like for there not to be alcohol. As I got older, I realized and called my father an alcoholic. However, I didn't even have a clue what an alcoholic was. I just knew that people that went to AA were quitters. Because that's what we talked about. And that would never be me. Just the normal. I was no child. I had an older brother, younger sister. I had another older brother and sister that grew up. But not in our family. My mom was a nurse. My dad worked at Sears. He was a salesman. Down in the South, I think you guys haven't made it. It's so beautiful down here. The sun shines up there. It's not sunny for many, many months. Winters were miserable. But for as far back as I can remember, and my earliest memories are like, kindergarten, I never felt like I fit in. Just inherently did not belong anywhere that I was. Sometimes that even included with my family. I always felt like they were leaving me out. And I didn't belong. I was uncomfortable. I was a good kid. Because I was a middle child. And I wanted to make everybody happy. And have everybody get along. So I did everything in the right order. Went to school. Didn't drink. Didn't get in trouble. My first time I can remember drinking, I drank some beer out of the refrigerator. With a friend. And then that was kind of cool. But I was like, I don't know. And I know I blacked out. And I know I got sick. And that's all I can remember. I must have liked it because I drank again. But not very often. But looking back, every single time I drank, I drank to get drunk. From the very first time. And that was like a realization. I don't know if I told you my surprise date. It's January 1st, 2018. Whenever I drank, So there was this spread. I got drunk with kids in high school. And I always got really drunk. Blackout drunk. And I don't know how I got home. But somebody always took care of me. Went off to college. Didn't really drink a lot. But when I drank, I got drunk. And somebody always took care of me. And I'm not sure how that happened or what not. But still that feeling of not belonging was always there. And I can remember when I went back to my hometown. You know, it's the kind of hometown that has bars on all the corners. I remember going into the bar. And there were all the kids from school. And I was like, look it. They're going to see me drink. Because you know, I was such a goody-goody that I don't know that anybody ever thought. In my head, that's what I thought. I thought everybody thought I was a goody-goody. But you know, we don't ever really know what people think about us. But I remember just thinking I was so cool. And I'm going to drink. And I'm going to hang out at the bar. And that's what I did. And got drunk and drank with my family. And could get enough alcohol. And I remember when I came in the room and they said it's the first drink that gets you drunk. I was like, what? I mean, I don't know about you guys. But I drink a lot more than once. And then it hit me. It's the first drink that I put in my body. And then that drink takes the drink. And then the drink takes me. I did everything. I changed careers. Like through all of it, I just never No matter what I did, I never felt like I fit in. College didn't fit in. Got my first job. I just didn't feel like I fit in. Didn't think I did anything right. But when I would drink, I would loosen up and I'd feel kind of comfortable. I kind of thought I was kind of cool. Because again, where I grew up, everybody drank. Like I I'm not saying everybody around me was an alcoholic. But everybody drank. And so I didn't know what life without alcohol was like. And that is what kept me drinking for a lot of years. Because I had no example of what that would be. I thought life would end. If I quit drinking, life would be over. I changed careers. I changed relationships. I changed places. I did all of them. I moved around the country. Changed different jobs. Different boyfriends. Always looking for that next thing was going to be the thing that made me really, really happy. That next job was going to be the job that was going to make me happy. The next location. The next whatever it was. It was always when I get here I will be happy. And I never got there. I mean I'm there now because I found AA. But when I was drinking I never could ever get comfortable in my own skin. Ever. When I came in the rooms people talked about you can watch your drinking and you can see where did your morals kind of start going downhill. And when my career started taking off I saw that my morals went the other direction. I think I was an alcoholic. From the very first time I had those drinks in the hot tub. But my behavior. I didn't care about other people. I was looking out for me. I hurt men. I hurt my family. But everything was under control. The job was going good. I was succeeding. I was climbing the ladder. If I broke up with one guy or got divorced from one husband I had another one waiting. I would never have switched any of those things lined up. I would never have been on my own. God forbid that would have been horrible. But looking back gosh I wish I had. So I could see where my moral decisions were going downhill. I was doing a lot of things that I never would have imagined I would have done. I was trying everything I could do to figure out how to be happy. I was doing self help books. I was going to church. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't just set my mind to it and set a goal. Because everything I'd ever done I'm going to get a degree from college so okay I make my goal and I get it. Or I'm going to do some sport and I'm going to be good at it. But drinking I could never and I'd ask around do you think I drink too much? No. No you drink a lot of fun. Maybe have ice water in between drinks. Maybe we should eat. All these ideas that they had I was like why? My sister would always give me these I mean I love her because she's not an alcoholic. We grew up in the same family and it's amazing to see how two people can be so completely different. You know it would always be like no let's just drink a water between or let's go out and have a dinner before we go out. And I didn't even think it was weird that I thought that was weird that she wanted to do that stuff. You know what I'm saying? But the book talks about easier, softer ways. I tried all sorts of easier, softer ways to not drink. I didn't know that's what I was doing. I didn't know that I was trying to control my drinking when I was doing these. I would count. I'd have a journal and I'd write down. Recently I started throwing stuff away because I'm like feeling like I want to just I don't know me and my friend Lisa were texting the other day and I went on vacation. Whenever I live in a hotel I want to get rid of stuff. I have a little suitcase and it's so wonderful. So I was going through old journals and I've got old journals and I ripped out pages to keep to remember I mean going back to like right out of high school, right out of college not high school but college I think this year I want to drink less. I'm like whoo sign red flag like God was trying to reach me even though I didn't know it like I'd be called, I grew up as a Christian I grew up in a church going family so the God that I started AA with was the God that my parents had taught me of. When I came in I was like I've got step one, two, and three easy, well one was pretty easy I mean I just had to look at what happened when I drank I passed out, I got drunk and two and three I was just like I got God, I grew up in a church let's move on let's go to four, let's make this list you know that part it took me I had the base foundation I believe there was something bigger of all of my drinking and before I came into AA I didn't have a personal relationship with God you know I can remember moving from Michigan to Atlanta, Georgia in 19 like I don't know a long time ago people from work would ask me to go Bible study I'd be like what? No no no no you go to church on Sunday and then God goes away you do your stuff and then you bring it back out when you go on Sunday being exposed to like people who like lived religious lives was new to me from growing up in the north so I remember that being weird but I kept on just you know I didn't really go to church but I believed and the other thing I really remember a lot is in the end of my drinking maybe a couple years you know I'm asking around in the family do you guys think I have a drinking problem nobody thinks I have a drinking problem because they don't know that I'm drinking every night by myself at my house and passing out and blacking out by the grace of God that you know I didn't do something to really hurt her I would pray and I heard it called foxhole prayers I had never heard that until I got to AA but I would pray please God let this be the end tomorrow let me wake up and not drink I wake up the next day feeling like crap and I'm like this is the day please God let this be the day but by noon I was already starting to think about nursing and there's where the problem started right? I was drinking all the time I didn't even know I was doing it you know the things that I was doing when I was drinking like going on vacation with my family and coming up with reasons to get in the car and go somewhere oh we ran out of something just so I could get alcohol and sneak it into the hotel rooms and just have it someplace where I could get it where my family didn't I mean I'm sure they knew I was drinking but I mean I would hide beer bottles behind the bed I hid alcohol in my house and I grew up with a man who had a desk and in that desk was handles and I was never going to be him never ever would I grow up to be my father until I was in my bathroom and I was filling up the yeti which I'm convinced the yeti was invented for moms to go to sporting events with alcohol and I'd fill up my yeti and I'd be in my closet and I'd be like what am I doing and I'd wake up the next day where did I hide all the empties because I had to go on an easter egg hunt and collect them all so my husband wouldn't find them and it was a constant you know what I mean I was obsessed with drinking all the time but I didn't even see it didn't even know it I drank alone I'd go out with the girls after tennis and maybe have one or two but I always made sure I had a lot a case a couple bottles of wine you know I always made sure there was alcohol at the house and I guess what kept me in that was the fear of what is life like without alcohol I couldn't I couldn't imagine it I was just a tornado like the book talks about I would run through people's lives I didn't give any thought to what I was doing whether I was drunk or sober I didn't give any thought to what I did to other people I was only worried about what was Lori getting how was Lori feeling what did you not do that you know impacted me like you didn't appreciate me or whatever it still blows my mind how selfish I was and like I said I tried all the self-help books I tried will powers I tried asking others and it wasn't till my bottom in years before I hit my bottom everybody has a bottom I had to make a bottom of my own but I had some mom friends reach out and tell me about AA I can't remember some of them why like I'm not supposed to share the story because I never drank with these people you know what I mean it wasn't like they'd see me drunk so I must have shared some of my concerns and then they would talk about it a dear friend would call every six months and she was somebody that I had actually drank with and she got sober and she called me about every six months hey I'm gonna go to a meeting today you wanna go nope my mom's boyfriend's daughter was in the program in Florida and she had given me a small travel size big book one time when I was visiting there probably two years before I got sober and I was like oh thank you and I put it in the glove compartment and I said I might read this at once but I had zero interest in getting sober my friend who I kept asking me she recalls that I told her one time I said the difference between you and me is you wanna be sober and I don't I had zero desire to give up alcohol then moved a lot and my husband and I live in Atlanta and they have a contract job helping put groups together I love it I can remember when they asked me to come in and interview I was like these people have no idea who they're asking to come work for them and then I said this is perfect you can't go out and be a fool and drink and do all this stuff because you work at the church I thought this was my solution to drinking I really did I was like I won't drink like I did if I'm working for the church but all that did was drive me back home drinking more and more by myself but in my head I thought this will work I had this fear of dying meeting for me it's Jesus meeting him and being like my fear was waking up and being dead more than that I was fearful I was going to kill my daughter by the end I could care less if I died to be honest that would have been a blessing but I didn't want to kill her she was only I think four when I got sober so that fear kept getting bigger and bigger my drinking was starting earlier and earlier one time I went to go pick her up from school and I couldn't drive and thank the Lord a neighbor was in the subdivision and I called and I said will you take me up to the school to get my daughter I can't drive it was like 2.30 in the afternoon she took me up there I don't know how the school didn't there's all these things where I'm like God's protection was over me I didn't even know it because I don't know how those people didn't know I had been drinking when I went and got my kids so all these things were starting to happen I don't know why my husband and daughter went to church one Sunday without me but when I came home from wherever I was my husband sat me down and said the church has a program for people who drink too much and I almost signed you up this is the church I'm working at by the way I'm like what? you cannot tell those people that I drink it really baffled me that he would want to go tell these people about my drinking because he was the problem it wasn't me if he would just appreciate me and know everything I've sacrificed for him and my daughter then I wouldn't drink like I do these were delusions that were in my head that I believed if they would just behave as normal him saying he was going to go to church really got me a little bit I better look at this and then the final thing that really I was an elf at school at the school thing with some other moms and that afternoon it was a Friday before break there was a really bad car accident outside of our subdivision and it closed the road and I was sitting in the chair and my phone rang and one of the moms I was working with nobody knows what's going on I'm not hurting anybody one of the moms calls me and she says I just want to make sure that wasn't you in that car accident and she I don't remember because I was still pretty hungover but she let me know that she knew that I had some alcohol in my breath and was probably drinking and not all there in the morning when I was working at school and that scared me because then I was like the gigs up people are starting to notice so I came up with a plan I don't like my husband I don't want to quit drinking I might have a little bit of a problem but remember I called my dad an alcoholic but I didn't know what an alcoholic was I thought that my dad could quit drinking if he loved me enough so I'm thinking if I get my life figured out if I get the people in my life figured out I won't drink like I do and I'll be fine I can go back to being fun which I don't know when I was ever fun start reaching out to some of these people who I knew were in AA after asking questions am I going to lose all my friends well Lori if you lose all your friends they were probably drinkers anyways they all had great answers and are you sure it's not a cult because I'm like all of the people that I know that are in AA are really happy are you sure there's not something weird going on there no it's not we're just happy to not be obsessed with alcohol anymore I made a decision I'm like okay this will work I'm going to go to AA for one year I'm going to get sober I'm going to get divorced I'm going to get my kids life is going to be good and I can go back to drinking so I came in the rooms on January 1, 2018 and I don't know why God did this for me because I was pretty convinced he hated me but from that day that I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and picked up my white chip I'm not going to say I haven't wanted to drink it was probably about three months in I was sitting in the meeting and they're talking about how selfish alcoholics are and I was like whoa whoa whoa I'm in the wrong place because I'm selfless I quit my job I've moved all over the country I'm raising my daughter you people got the wrong person and then I listened to what they were sharing and I was like it was like all these light bulbs were going off and I was like I'm super selfish it still took me a little while but I was listening to what people were saying and it amazed me that there were other people that felt like I did there were other people that didn't feel like they fit in wherever they went there were other people that hid their alcohol there were other people that were just full of shame and remorse all the time I didn't even realize that I kept drinking because I wanted to cover up all that ick if I just kept drinking and not feeling then you know I would have to acknowledge that I didn't want to be the crap so I stayed in the program I got a sponsor and I worked the steps after some time I started doing service work leading meetings being a discussion leader and I loved it I loved everything about AA I loved the way I felt about myself when I went in the room I liked all the people I met never felt like I didn't belong I had two months to grind they called strangers and they'd come get me and take me to meetings it was the coolest thing ever it was just this experience and still I wasn't going to stay I was just going to do a year but the longer I stayed in the program the more I worked the steps and the more I talked to other alcoholics it was exceedingly clear that I was an alcoholic a real alcoholic I have a recession of the mind and when I start thinking about it I can't stop putting it in my body I worked the steps and I tried to make friends I came in the program I wasn't lonely from friendships or anything like that but I had a goal I didn't need you guys I was just going to check these boxes and get my life in order and what a blessing I didn't even expect with the friendships that I have in these rooms I'm from South Atlanta cause I know you all think we live far far away it's really not that far when we leave here at night it takes us about 40 minutes to get home so I mean some of these women I'm extremely close with they know a lot of my deep dark secrets some of them I talk to every week some of them every day some of them I speak to Saturday or Monday not often but I bet you any of them I could call if I needed somebody I've got a whole bunch of people before AA I don't know who I would have called I had a mom I have a sister and I could call them but I don't know if you guys have ever had it where people get sick of your self pity and your victimhood like I didn't even know what I was doing but man I have the ego that's like oh poor Lori and you know I recall there's a part in the book that talks about relying on other people too much I relied on everybody too much I wanted my mom to know what the writing was and to tell me what to do I wanted my sister to fix me I wanted my therapist to fix me I just wanted when it talks about our instincts I couldn't get my needs met I didn't know how to do it I missed all those classes growing up about how to take care of Lori so I drank what's it like today I mean I have hope that's what you guys gave me when I came in and I listened and I got engaged I have this hope that it can be better and I can remember the day I was sitting in the parking lot it's in between Kroger's and Target in our little town and I called up the I was already in therapy and my therapist was already telling me that I needed to go to AA but I called up this hotline and I'm like I don't want to live I don't want to die I just want to get in my car and run away that's where I was I just wanted out loved my husband loved my daughter but they told me like I just couldn't deal anymore and that sweet lady helped me take some steps medically to like get saved and then get into the program and I don't feel that hopelessness anymore you know I don't feel like life is not sunshine and rainbows and happiness all the time and I can remember the first time I was like whoo I got my pink cloud and somebody said this too shall pass and I was like why are you killing my joy but I'm glad that that person did because now when I have low time this too shall pass like I came into the rooms like this and now I might be like this I'm never going to be like this never I'm an emotional person I'm very passionate and like my husband says I'm very sensitive and the two people that I'm most sensitive with are my husband and my daughter who happen to be the same husband that I wanted to get divorced from and I had this connection with a higher power a friend told me I needed to have a God of my experience a God of mine and I didn't really quite get what that meant I'm like I got this God you know I was taught about him growing up the more I worked about two years into my sobriety maybe three years I wanted to go deeper I went to this retreat in Birmingham with a bunch of the people that I know and it was kind of an eye opening experience very spiritual they went through the steps real fast it was my first experience with doing something like that and I just wanted more I don't know if anybody can relate to that I just couldn't get enough I wanted more I wanted more conferences I wanted more time with the women I just wanted to know more about the big book at that time I got a new sponsor because I wanted somebody to take me through something that's called the big book awakening and nothing but I love my sponsor I have she got me sober she's still a good friend of mine and this woman changed my life like she could be my daughter she has way more sobriety but she could be my daughter and she had experiences in her life that she brought into mine to help me see my life differently and we went through the steps and that's when I got a God of my understanding I got a God that I could see and show up and in the big book when it talks my favorite part is God is either everything or he's nothing I'm like what? that's kind of weird I just want to take the parts I like the parts I want to get rid of but now I really try super hard to look at where's God and an example like my house flooded and I'm like okay where's God in this like this is terrible but once I got all cleaned and got through it and I was seeing little places where I think maybe God was like maybe he was there to put us outside so that we could see some things going on in our neighborhood like I don't know but I know that I always know what God wants for me or what his will is for me except for that I know he doesn't want me to be drunk I know that 100% that God does not want me to be drunk so today I have this awesome higher power that speaks to me through you guys I have an open mind to accept the fact that every single person in here has a different higher power but somehow I think they all get up there and talk and I'm like hey what you're doing you know like mine's got this whole conversation going on in her head right now and what you're thinking about because we're always thinking about something this brain just keeps going the more sobriety I get though the calmer it's getting the more peaceful it's getting where I'm at in my sobriety is I don't want to drink I'm not going to say there haven't been times when some people come over and drug me off the floor because I'm crying because my life is out of control with something, my marriage, my child I want a job I want to be important you know like life things I don't want to deal with it anymore and so I use the tools that you guys have taught me and sometimes one of the tools is calling somebody and saying hey come over I'm working on my emotional sobriety and my spiritual growth and my relationship with trusting my higher power I lived for so long in Lori's will I wanted it Lori's way and it's taken me a lot of years to see that and I don't know I graduated from college so I'm kind of smart but like that whole thinking back to the first year I really thought I was selfless you know and this book I'm reading through this book and this book is talking about all these different ways of self being bad and I'm like I can relate to all of that like the stuff that was in the book I love this book I don't know if you're not in this book and you're not in love with what you're reading get somebody to go through it with you because there's some I'll read something with a sponsee out of it I don't ever remember reading that before you know it's like it comes alive I'm glad that for some reason when I came in I was willing I was honest and I was open I think that those three things because when I came in and I already had that deadline of a year I was like wow I'm not in a hurry everything I've ever done in my life I wanted to get to the top as fast as I could the part in the book that talks about were you ever a worker among workers I was never a worker among workers I always wanted to be the best because I thought if I was the best then I would like myself if I got there and so I came in here and I already gave myself a year I'm like I'll just sit back and do it and participate but I'm not in any rush and I'm really glad for that because I didn't miss anything I took it slow I read the whole book I read all the stories in the back I got the 12 and 12 I'm scared to even mention because I don't know which ones are approved and not approved but anything that anybody recommended to me I did I read it if you told me to call you because you had experience with whatever problem I was doing I was on the horn I was calling like if somebody made a suggestion to me I did it I'm still very active in working my program right now I'm going through the 12 and 12 and I'm trying to answer every single question that's really hard there are questions in there I have this sense of belonging today and a sense of purpose I still don't know what God wants me to be when I grow up but I know he wants me to be sober and I know he wants me to show up in AA and I know he wants me to carry the message to somebody else who is sick and suffering because I think about my dad who I called an alcoholic toothpaste I had no idea what an alcoholic was I had no idea that my dad could stop drinking by himself you know I just all those years that I thought if you just loved me enough you'd quit and you know what I didn't love my kid enough to quit you know until I got AA and God helped me and you guys helped me and like there's nothing better than living this way I love AA I wish I could I'm in this place I got things back right like you get sober and I got my marriage back and I got my child and do as much with my friends in meetings and in service work you know and I miss that and I like look forward to that season when I'm an empty nester and I'm like TSR and going to the conventions and doing all the fun stuff like that's exciting to me like this life is so great I'm so thankful for AA I'm thankful that everyday is not a good day I still struggle I still struggle with control over you know people in my family wanting you know wanting them to do what I want them to do and to see that I'm so selfless but today I have a new dialogue I tell myself hey Lori you have got to figure out what the problem is because you're demanding more from them than they should have to give you you know I go through life today and I don't want a drink it's not my first answer to every problem and that is it's a miracle it is a true miracle and I don't want to drink today and I don't want to run out to the liquor store every time something does not go my way I'm still only six years old I've got a long long way to go I really appreciate you guys letting me share my story Lori that was wonderful awesome thank you and I'll bet right now those two Lori's they're not fighting you know you did a great job right? you know we look for the similarity you and I on the inside are identical twins and the hope that you've gotten so many of the things thank you so much for sharing yourself with us beautiful avoid the feelings like a winter rain with a drink or an angry word be my friend and I'll see you next time bye