Tradition One Asks Me Every Morning Am I a Unifier or a Divider — Mary K.

Welcome, everybody. Let's have an AA meeting. My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers' Meeting at the NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes, in their own language and from their own point of view, the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker, and when we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them, too, I must have this thing. Tonight, Mary Catherine comes to us from a home group in Virginia Highlands called the High Noon Group. Interesting meeting, very lively. She also comes over to the 930 meeting here, the I Can, We Can group, and she picked up a 17-year chip, and when she comes up here, you're not going to believe she could possibly have 17 years. That said, we're really happy to have Mary Catherine. Please give her a warm welcome. Thank you, Tim, and thank you for asking me to speak, although I don't feel very grateful for the opportunity right now. Hi. My name's Mary Catherine, and I'm an alcoholic. And I am every day of 49 years. I'm 49 years old, and I'm glad to be 49 years old. I'm glad to be alive. You know, when he was reading, all of a sudden I thought, oh, my gosh, I'm supposed to talk to you guys about how I found God. And that really scared me. Hopefully that will come through in my story. But that, all of a sudden, I felt very nervous about that. If I didn't, I wouldn't be standing here, and that is a fact. So, let me talk about what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. And, you know, one thing I want to say, and this part of the big book has always been really precious to me, but really lately I've been reading it because the longer I stay away from a drink, the more I start to think, was it really that bad? Maybe I was just exaggerating. I mean, honestly, every once in a while I'll say, surely that was just in my head that I've, you know. And that's very scary to me because that kind of, that thought is just not a helpful thought for an alcoholic to have. And so, lately I've been reading A Vision for You, and there's this section where they talk about, you know, the four horsemen. And before that, they talk about, we sought out sordid places. There's all that kind of stuff in it. And this one sentence says, unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand. And all I have to do is look at that page and I go, okay. That lays it out right there. Okay. I just don't think I'm very interesting anymore. I thought it was so interesting when I got sober. The longer I stay sober, the less interesting I am. But, I was so in love with my story, and now it's just pretty ordinary. Regardless, it is mine. And I am from Sarasota, Florida. My family is, my mother's family is from South Georgia, Bainbridge, Georgia. Lovely town. And my dad's family is from Columbia, South Carolina. Thereabouts. My parents both came from, you know, pretty well-to-do-within-their-community people. My father's father was a general in the Army and was a one-star general. And he was in the Chemical Corps during World War II and had a very successful career in the Army and left the South and moved to Princeton, New Jersey and just immediately did not want to be from the South anymore. So, that was really weird. And then my mother's family, her father was the school superintendent in Decatur County. And her mom was a schoolteacher. My mother was a schoolteacher. My dad was actually a schoolteacher for a while. So, I come from a long line of teachers. And, you know, pretty upper-middle class. I was born into a pretty upper-middle class family in Sarasota, Florida. and um um my uh parents early in my sobriety this is just kind of a testament to how the program works I I thought my my parents were monsters I really did I was sure that they were monsters and um the longer I stay sober the more I realize that they weren't monsters they just you know have this disease um and um anyway so there's a lot of drinking in my house my parents did not like people who did not drink that was something that they said you know we don't we don't hang out with them um something is going on it's kind of confusing to me um anyway they didn't like people who didn't drink and so I learned from a very early age that if you didn't drink we didn't drink thank you and um also this is important my I cried you know like most babies will and my parents put brandy in my bottle so I started drinking at a very young age and and um so who knows I mean that allergy maybe just got kicked off right away in me I don't know um I didn't consciously take a drink until I was 11 I mean really consciously took a drink when I was 11. and um I have an older brother he's three years older than me and he was really cool and I idolized him and he was really sweet to me still is really sweet to me um and my family my parents had a very um a very difficult relationship and um there was a fair amount of abuse you know I've heard a lot more abuse than people's stories so I mean I got you know we had a fair amount of abuse in our in our home and it was a lot of abuse and I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know you know it was pretty it was very difficult place to grow up it was really hard um so my brother and I were very tight and um um so he drank and he actually when he was 12 years old got kicked out of school for selling screwdrivers in a canteen he had a canteen Dixie cups and was selling screwdrivers yeah he was very industrious um anyway he um so he was doing his journey and he was doing his career and he was doing his career and he was doing his career and he was doing his career and he was doing that and I thought that was really cool and everybody thought it was funny. My parents weren't mad at him. They thought it was funny. Everybody thought that that kind of stuff was funny, right? So I drank and I enjoyed it because I really just wanted to fit in with my brother. But I remember my first drunk and I think I was 13. I'd gone to a wedding of a friend, older sister, went to her wedding and I had this drink called Tom Collins and had sour mix and cherries and all that kind of stuff in it. It was in a room kind of like this. It was in a church hall though and it was like the whole world turned into the most beautiful place ever with the best music and there was a guy playing guitar and there was love in the air and I was 13. And I just automatically thought that I was the center of the world and it was so great. And so I was there and everybody left me. The people, I don't know what happened. They were disgusted with me or whatever, but I ended up being at this place with like this 40-year-old guy who played guitar, the guitar player, and he said, where do you live? I'll take you home. And so, you know, at the age of 13, I'm getting rides home from strange men. And, um, in a blackout and, um, I woke up and, you know, it was a joke. Everything was a joke. It was funny. I woke up, I threw up in my blackout in bed and I woke up with, um, you know, throw up all around my head. And, um, I went to school that day and I just said, I woke up with a crown of cherries. Gross, right? It's disgusting. And I was so proud. It was like this crown of cherries and everyone thought, you know, oh, that's pretty funny. But I, I knew that that was how I wanted to be. That's how I wanted to feel because I, I didn't talk about how I felt as a child, but how I felt as a child was pretty much how I hear other people talk about feeling as a child. Very different. Um, um, I was ashamed for some reason. I don't know. I just naturally had this sense of shame that I was not enough or that I was not enough. And I was like, I was, I wasn't pretty enough, smart. And I always thought I was smart. I don't think I'm smart anymore, but I really thought I was smart when I was a kid. Um, and you know, I just didn't feel good. And when I drank, I felt like I fit in. And so to, to feel that feeling at the age of, I mean, I started doing it really early, but to really get hooked in at the age of 13 and that was it. That was all she wrote. That was all I cared about from that moment on. I didn't care about school. I didn't care about school. I didn't care about anything except for taking a drink. And, um, and that is what I did. I got into a lot of trouble in school. I got, um, I mean, there, there are so many things that happened that I will, I will say this one thing. Um, I didn't go to high school. Most of the time I went to a bar. I would go, I went to this place called the Midnight Pass Pub and it was a beach bar. It was a dive bar, fisherman's bar, um, in Sarasota, Florida. Now it's probably some cool place where all the rich people go, but it wasn't at the time. It was exactly my kind of place. And, um, we would wake up in the morning. I would wake up to go to school and this girl would pick me up and I didn't have a car. My parents at least had some sense. You know, they weren't going to give me a car. Um, yeah, I mean, they knew I drank and blacked out. They didn't even, no one ever said, you know, I think Mary Catherine has a problem. Um, my best friend in sixth grade got sent to Scared Straight. Mary Catherine, did you ever smoke pot? Did you ever do this? No one ever asked me. So I didn't have to say anything. But, um, so I flew under the radar and I'm jumping around. But, um, my friend would pick me up. We would go to Burger King and get a delicious meal. And then we'd go to, um, this bar and we'd drink all day. And, um, I'd go home at five and I'd go to the bar at five because there were extracurricular activities. And, um, nobody ever asked any questions. And, um, nobody asked a question because they were kind of involved. And they had their own drama going on and their drama was really a drama. So, um, nobody, nobody was really paying attention. And when I got sober, I used to think nobody paid any attention to me when I was growing up. And, and it was, I mean, it's really sad when you recognize that, oh my God, this child didn't, no one paid any attention to me. And, and, and, and, nobody paid any attention to this child, but nobody paid any attention to me. Um, and I survived. Um, my mom, it's funny, I have a kid. Um, and when he was four, I was visiting my mom and I was sober at the time. And, and, um, she said, I'm going to go over to Sandra's and smoke cigarette. Can I leave Harrison by himself? But he's four years old, probably don't leave him by himself. And I'm like, I'm going to go over to Sandra's and smoke cigarette. And then my mom went home. But I mean, I know people do that. She did it with me. But, um, and that's how I, it's not how I got into, I got into a lot of trouble. But when I was in high school, I would go to this bar, I would get really drunk and do stuff that kids do and the grownups do. Mostly the grownups do and kids should not be doing. Um, and then I'd go home and I'd do it again the next day. And that was what I lived for. I lived for this stuff. And, and, um, when it came time to graduate, I graduate from high school. The guidance counselor called my mother and said, she's not going to graduate because she missed, you know, however many days. And so my mother went in and begged and pleaded. And in those days, they would let you graduate. And I got pretty good scores. So I got into school before they were going to, they weren't going to let me graduate. And I said, well, you know, I've gotten into this college. Can I please go to college? And I went to college. And I came up here to Emory University. And I lasted for the summer. They said, oh, you come up for the summer because you've really screwed up in school. We can see. So I came up for the summer program. And I drank. That's what I did. I bought kegs. I bought Pabst Blue Ribbon because it was cheap, right? Everybody made fun of me. Pabst Blue Ribbon. And now it's the coolest drink. And that is just the funniest thing to me. Pabst Blue Ribbon. Pabst Blue Ribbon. I got really shamed for buying that. But, so I came up here and I drank. And they didn't want me. And, but there was one teacher who really went to bat for me. And she said, well, maybe she could go to this other school, this Oxford College place in Covington, Georgia. And I thought, I don't want to go there. And I did. And it was there that I continued my drinking story. It got a lot worse. And because I had complete freedom. And I drank more. And I got into, I got into legal trouble while I was there. I wrote bad checks to a place called DJ's Package Store. DJ's Liquor Store. If you go to Covington, I don't know if it's still there. They may have gone out of business with bad checks from college students. But, let's see, what else did I do? Oh, I was in a blackout once. I belonged to this club. I was in a blackout once. I was in a blackout once. I belonged to this club. I was in a blackout once. And I was in a blackout once. I belonged to this club. And I was in a blackout once. And I was in a blackout once. And I was in a blackout once. So, okay, so there was this club. We didn't have sororities. We had these clubs. And there was a girls club called Les Belles Amis LBA. And everybody said it stands for Let's Be Alcoholics, and I was the president, I am not kidding. I was the president of LBA, Let's Be Alcoholics. And in order to be in this club, you had to drink a six pack, a pint while, let's say, drink a six pack, a pint liquor and use six in 30 minutes. So I did that. And I don't remember anything else. But I got into some trouble because a can of spray paint. And I'm a genius. Okay, this is I am not a genius. When I drank, I was not a genius. I wrote my name on these historic buildings. My name, nothing, you know, Mary Catherine, you know. And so I got into some trouble. And I continued to get in trouble like that. And I thought, yeah, just like you guys laughing. It's a joke. It was everything was a joke with me. And it was a real defense mechanism, obviously. But everything was a joke. And I just drank and drank and drank and drank and drank. I got kicked out. Or actually, I didn't. I laughed. I wanted to leave. And they, my parents called the dean and said, please make her stay. They did. They really did. And the dean said, we really, they want you to stay. And they didn't want me at home. And, and I know why. Because the shit was hitting the fan at my home. And so I left. I didn't say, I left at the end of the semester. And everybody thought that I was going back. And when I came home, my brother, my brother, my brother, my brother had gone to jail for, for possession with intent to sell. And my parents, my dad had been having an affair with my mom's best friend. And she went off the deep end, my mother did, and was hospitalized for two years. And it was really sad. And I was really lost. And I drank a lot. And I didn't have anywhere to live. And I mean, and I, it's sad to me because it's me. Other people have stories, too. And they're very sad for you. And I'll cry for you, too, because I cry. I'll cry for anyone. But, but, you know, at that moment in my life, I just felt so incredibly at sea. Any kind of illusion that I had a security blanket at home with a family was completely gone. I never really had it. But that was gone. I used to drink with my parents. My dad used to drive on the sidewalks. And I mean, just really screwed up stuff, you know, and we would just get hammered. And we had our family drink and every my whole life revolved around drinking. My life exploded. And I didn't know what to do other than drink. So I drank. And I ended up living with a whole exclude different people. And just, I blacked out, I did all the stuff I just my life, I start listening, thinking about my story. I think it's really pretty dull. Shall I just talk about being sober? But let me just fast forward through this. Okay, I got I kept somehow God kept picking me up. Just when I thought I was just gonna die. I think this is it. I'm gonna kill myself or this is not going to just not going to get any better. And then something would happen. There's just some gift some nice person would say, Hey, you've got this job, would you like to do this job? So we do the job. One guy said, and I was a theater major. And one guy said, there's this theater company and they're looking for interns, would you like to be in their intern program? And I thought, Oh, yes, I made $30 a week, and lived in this actor housing, which is horrible. And they drank and it was fun and I drank I found my found my niche once again. And there was a big shot actor coming from New York to do this play. And I was in the blackout. There was a big shot actor coming from New York to do this play. And I was in the blackout. I was in the blackout, and there was this party, and I was having this thing with some guy. I was always having this thing with some guy, and this one guy, he would lock me in my room when I drank, so I wouldn't slip away, because I slipped away, and no one could find me, and then he was some other guy. So he decided that locking me in my room was the best thing to do, and I climbed out of the window and found my way back to this party, and there was this guy, you know, and I hooked up with him, and the next day, and I was in a blackout. I was always in a blackout, always in a blackout. If I drank, blacked out, drank, blacked out, but moved. I never passed out. I just blacked out, and the next day, I saw this guy, and usually I'd blackout. I'd blackout, and I wouldn't see anybody again, so it was no big deal, but I saw this guy again, and he smiled at me so nicely. I thought, I'm going to quit drinking, and he's going to be my boyfriend. So I stopped drinking, and kind of. I say I stopped drinking, not like we don't drink today, a day at a time, but I didn't drink a little bit, you know. So after a while, I convinced him to marry. I convinced him to marry me, and he's a really great guy, really wonderful, wonderful person, really wonderful person, and so we moved to Virginia, and I started getting my shit together. I went back to college. I became a control freak. I graduated with honors. I was a very good housekeeper. I was, you know, I was like, I was good at it all, and I was scary. I was miserable. I was dry as a bone. And he didn't really like being around me too much, and I kept saying I would go up to him, and he's this really relaxed guy. He was about 12 years older than me. He was so super relaxed, and he was fine with life the way it was, and I'd get in his face. I'd say, what are we going to do? And he'd go, I don't know. I don't know, because I had to know what we were going to do. What's next? And so he sent me away for the summer to do summer stock, and I drove down. I drove down that road, and I hadn't been drinking, and I went to the thing, and I saw these people. I felt scared. I didn't know them. I was in a new place, and I didn't know how to relate. And they had a party, and I picked up a beer, and I related, and I never went back. I never went back home. So that was that, and that was a pretty good indicator that I chose to drink over anything else. And you know what? Once I picked up that drink, I was so happy. It made me happier than anything else. I felt like I was home again. I even had friends say, oh, thank God you're drinking again, because I got really tight. So anyway, from that point forward, my life just started really, really getting bad, and I didn't really care about consequences. I was just drinking, and I didn't care. I drank all the time. I had my dad had to save me, and I went to live with my dad, and all this kind of stuff happened, but I kept getting picked up, you know, as soon as it was down again. Then I go to, and I feel so embarrassed when I say I got into a graduate program. It's so funny, because I hear myself saying, and I was really drunk in a blackout, and I got into this graduate program for acting. It's acting school. It's not like a big deal school. It's not like a big deal school. I always, I'm pretty smart. I'm not, actually, I'm not very smart at all, but, so when you go to grad school, and, you know, you're an actor, I, now I don't tell people I got a degree in acting. Now I say, yes, I graduated, I have a master's degree in acting. So, so it was great, because it's a three-year program, and I was with these people, and man, did we not want to drink, which meant that we were all alcoholics, probably, because we couldn't, we would go. So, okay, we're going to go for two weeks without drinking. Two days, we'd be drinking and having a blast, and we're going to, I'm going to, and all this kind of crazy stuff that happened, but it was great, because I had these three years where I was kind of in this safe little environment drinking and being creative, acting, because I loved acting, and so, so while I was there, and this is kind of a God thing here, my dad was, I did not want to go to this school. I had, I had auditioned to go to a school in San Diego. And San Diego actually said, well, why don't you come to this school? And the one in my home, this one is in my hometown. It's Florida State University, Oslo Conservatory, and it's in Sarasota, Florida. So, I didn't want to go there. It's in my hometown. But they offered me a full ride and money on top of it. So, I went there, not to the other place, and here's what was good about that. My dad was diagnosed with cancer, and I was there. And I saw him every Monday on my day off. It was terrible. He was total drunk. I mean, he's a great guy. He was total drunk. I mean, he died. But I got to be there. And it was not, it was not, it was not good. And the day my dad died, I went to the grocery store, and I bought a lot of food and wine. And I had this, I laid out all this stuff and all I did, and I drank. I had all this food, and the food just stayed and stayed. But I drank. And I hid under a table, and I just drank and drank and drank. And from the moment my dad died, it was like this whole, any kind of foundation that I, some kind of imagined thing. Once he died, I just went, no reason. I don't even have to pretend anymore. So, the graduation, where's everybody going? Oh, we're going to New York. We're going to L.A. Where are you going, Mary Catherine? Chicago. What's there? I don't know. No one. And it's cold. It's cold. And so, I moved to Chicago. I didn't have anyone there. And so, what I did was I drank, and I ended up not having any money. And I ended up living with all kinds of horrible people. I'm sure they're very nice, but they had addictions. And I don't really know them at all, but I spent several years in Chicago getting into all kinds of trouble. And just kind of going down to, like, great depths. That I would never go to. I was sure I would never. But I did. And my mom rescued me, because I was in trouble once again. She came to get me. And she brought me home. And it was Christmas time. And, oh no. I came home, and someone hired me to do a play, because they lost an actress. I am talking about all kinds of crap. What time is it? I'm going to finish this up. But this is important. This is, I went down to do this show in St. Peter's Blurg, Florida. And I was replacing an actress. And so, I went into this whole group of people. And I'm like, yeah, I'm a shit. I'm a professional actress. I've been living in Chicago. Whatever. Not working. But I thought I was a real badass. You know, I was a city girl. These people are just Florida. You know, whatever. And so, I came in. And I. I liked these people, because they drank. And a lot. And so, that night, I was in a blackout. And I hooked up with some guy. And when I'm in a blackout, and I hook up with someone, I'm usually going to marry them. And so, I was in a blackout. I hooked up with this guy. And it was really great. We didn't want anything. We did not want to be in a relationship. I just wanted to have someone to hang out with and drink like I like to drink. No one putting any pressure. No one putting any pressure on me. Get out of my way. He would pass out. He passed out. He was such a lightweight. He would pass out. And I would keep drinking. And I would wander the streets, because that's what I did. I would just get so drunk and just wander. And sometimes, I would call him the next morning and say, I think I'm somewhere. Can you come find me? There's Waffle House across the street. You know, I never knew where I was. But, awesome. It was so great. He never put any pressure on me. It was perfect. It was a great relationship. But, the season ended. They didn't rehire me, because I was drunk on the job. And so, I didn't get rehired. And I went to my mother's. And now, it's Christmas. So, now, it's Christmas time. Her birthday is Christmas Day. I tried so hard not to drink that day. And she asked me to go to a party with her across the street in my house, in my home. And it's very, very, very. I'm so uncomfortable in my mom's home, in her neighborhood, which is where I grew up. But, I never felt like I belonged there. Anyway, I was there. And I'm so uncomfortable. And when I'm uncomfortable, I drink. So, I drank so much scotch. And there are all these nice people. And I was cussing them up and down. You can't drink. I'm going to drink. I'm going to show you how to drink. And I, you know. Ended up having all these people. All these men that were married to other people come to my mom's house. And I was going to show everybody how to drink. And I drank so much. And that night was the absolute worst night. And I woke up the next day. Or I came to the next day. And I called this girl. And I said, oh, my God, Joe. Oh, it's bad. It's really bad. And she said, you know what? I'm really tired of hearing you say this. When are you going to grow up? I thought, I don't do this. She said, you call me all the time saying things just like that. And I said, no, this one's really worse than this. She said, no, you do this all the time. And that really made me mad. And this guy that I was with before, he came over. And I said, oh, my God, Wes. I did this, that, this. And he said, it's okay, baby. You were drunk. And I thought, there. That's the thing. That's the man. That New Year's Eve, we were drunk. I don't know why when I say we were drunk. And I looked at him. He's passed out again. He's sweaty. He was gross. When he passes out, he's gross. He wasn't attractive like me when I was drunk. But he was sweaty and gross. And that night, I thought, you know what? This New Year's, I'm going to start flossing. This New Year, I'm going to start flossing my teeth. That's what my resolution is going to be. And two weeks later, I was in AA. And so, little did I know, I left town and moved to New York. I had nowhere to live. I was really way, way, way at my bottom. And I was going to try a new thing. I moved like 21 times, by the way. I didn't bore you with all those. But I moved all the time looking for something else. Trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps. Get started. New fresh start. Somewhere new. And wherever I went, you know. So, anyway, I'm in New York. And this is the time. This is the one. This is where I'm going to get my shit together. And I didn't. And then one day, this person took me in. And she said, you should go to AA. And I thought, well, I don't know. I know I've got all kinds of problems. She said, no, Mary Catherine, you need to go to AA. And so, I knew someone that went to AA. I don't know why I was so agreeable. But I was agreeable about going to AA. Because I was pretty sure I didn't belong. And I went to my first AA meeting. And now I'm going to get to the good stuff. I went to my first AA meeting. And that is where the most divine thing happened. A woman came up to me and said, Is this your first meeting? There were like 200 people in the room. And I was in the way back with this big sheepskin coat on. She said, is this your first meeting? And I thought, why do I look like I don't belong here? And I said, yes. And she said, well, you're in a safe place. Which is what I heard Tim say, too. And I thought, oh, my God. Someone just said I was safe. And I started to cry. And she said, you don't have to do anything. Just relax. Just relax. Everything's okay. We're going to have this meeting. And this is what's going to happen. They're going to read some things. You just listen. Just take it easy. Just listen. We're not asking anything of you. Don't worry. You don't have to move. But if you'd like to sit by me, you can sit. I mean, so I'm going to sit with you. So we sat with her. And I heard how it works. And most people say, I don't remember my first meeting. I remember that first meeting like a white light. It was pretty dramatic. And I will say that that was a spiritual experience. That meeting, I heard the words rigorous honesty. And I thought, well, hell, I've done everything in my life except be responsible. And I'm not quite sure what that means. And so I asked the girl that told me I was in a safe place, what does that mean? She said, well, you know, you kind of figured that out along the way. But another thing is they ask you to introduce yourself in the middle of the meeting. And I said, she said, you don't have to. Don't worry about it. You don't have to. Well, I heard other people saying, you know, I'm so-and-so, I'm so-and-so. And I just felt my hand coming up next to me. And I thought, oh, my God. And I had this huge room of people. And I heard myself say, I'm Mary Catherine. I don't know if I'm an alcoholic, but I'm just really tired. And everybody laughed so hard. And I thought, okay, they get it. They know. And then I heard someone say later, sick and tired of being sick and tired. I went, oh, yes, that is it. And then I just, all of a sudden, all these things started hitting. And I just, true, true, true, ding, true, ding, true. Ding, true. All of a sudden, and I remember listening. It was a speaker's meeting. And in New York, where I got sober, they do qualifier. Like, if you have 90 days, you qualify. And at 90 days, you tell your story. And let me tell you, when you hear a 90-day qualification, you go, oh, God, I don't want to go back there. Because it's so close. And you hear all kinds of crazy. I know, because I was there. I did my 90-day qualification. But I was so embraced by AA. And I believed everything that anyone said to me. And I'm glad. I didn't question. I didn't even think someone might be drinking in an AA meeting. I just knew that you went to AA and you took a white, they didn't give out white chips. But you came to AA your first day, and that's it. Everybody stays sober. That's what I thought. I thought we all go to AA, and everything's great. And now we're all not drinking for the rest of our lives. And I didn't know for a long time that people did drink again. You know? I remember being so shocked when I heard. Oh! Someone went and they took a drink? What? Now I know. For the people that don't drink, that's the, I mean, you know, that's the big deal. People that go out, you know, that's more normal, I think. Sad. Anyway, so I went. I just did everything they said. Man, I did everything they said. And I was only too happy to do it, because I got immediate relief from just that soul sickness. And I felt so connected. And I'd always wanted to be connected. And I'm not going to say that I was like this misgraceful person. I walked into AA, and then my life was incredibly beautiful. It was horrible. In retrospect, it was beautiful. A day at a time, it was miserable. People would say, come on, have some coffee with us. And I would say to myself, everybody else would be there. I would just cry all by myself. Everyone else can talk. And I'd think, I'm never going to be able to talk. I don't know how. I'm not going to be able to do it without drinking. And when I had about nine months, I fell apart. And I also went through this kind of detoxing thing. And that was not good. But at nine months, I had my first experience of just absolute despair that I'd lost my best friend. I felt so lonely, and I wanted to drink so much. And I just remember people saying, you know, just one day at a time, one minute at a time. So anyway, so getting sober was really great. And I do all this stuff. I do this stuff that they talk about that is so good. And what it's like now, though, I'll say that. Getting sober was awesome. Getting sober was amazing. It's a wonderful experience. Staying sober, even better. Getting sober, not as much fun as staying sober. And staying sober. Staying sober is no joke, either. It feels nice. Now that I've talked about the past a little bit, I'm remembering how awful it was. But so staying sober seems pretty great today. I will tell you that I go to a lot of meetings. That is one thing that I have not. If I don't know what to do, that's what I remember someone saying. I'd say, I don't know what to do. Just remember your primary purpose. Still today, if I think, oh, my gosh, I'm not quite sure what I should do. Should I do this or this or this? Your primary purpose. My primary purpose is to stay sober. So typically, that statement says, go to a meeting. My primary purpose is to stay sober. How do I do that? There are many things I do. But one very important thing I do connects me to you people. I go to a meeting. I go to a lot of meetings. That is one thing that I have not changed in 17 years. And I've moved several times in sobriety. And I go to. I'll go. I'll go to a new town. And I'll raise my hand and say, my name's Mary Catherine. I've just moved here. And it is. It's like being. It's like being brand new. And it's awful. But I really, I really, really want to. I need to always be this close to AA. Because I know without that, I would be out of here. So, you know, it's kind of funny how I found my way to NABA with resentment to my home group. Let's really get down and dirty. We can talk about Atlanta AA. So, my home group was 11 people in this beautiful hall in this nice, tiny Episcopalian church. It was awesome. Everybody knew each other. It was just a really sweet group. I felt very safe. Blah, blah, blah. Now, it's about 100 people on any given day. And it is all kinds of crazy. I've gotten really into the traditions. And, yes. Because I want to use it. Against people. But, there's this great tradition. And it's the first one. And it talks about unity. And so, when I get on a high horse, I have to say, Are you going to be a unifier or a divider, Mary Catherine? Are you going to work with AA or against AA? Are you going to be a part of the solution or a part of the problem? Do you want to repel people? You know? And I don't want to repel anyone. Because I want everyone to be sober. I want us to stay sober together. And, is it time for me to shut up? Okay. I got a minute. All right. So, I started coming to NAVA because I was sure that they were talking about too much crazy in that meeting. And they do. But, I'm staying. Because there's a guy here that said when he wanted to go to a different home group, his sponsor said, If you go to a different home group, you might drink again. Because those people know you. Well, my meeting is so big now. I don't think people would notice if I didn't go anymore. But. I don't. I'm still part of that home group. But, I love coming to NAVA. I love the 930 meeting. I love the very strong sobriety and the singleness of purpose. Because, by golly, I am an alcoholic. And, I need to keep it focused on alcoholism. For me, that's really important. Because, in my mind, it all screwed up in a hurry. And, I can't have it be that way. You know, they have these things called the gifts of sobriety. And so, I say the gifts of sobriety. Is sobriety. The other stuff is just icing. None of that stuff matters. None of that stuff matters. There's some beautiful things in my life today. But, my sobriety is the gift. I am married. I married that drunk, Wes. I ended up marrying him. God, go figure. And, we ended up getting married. And, he got sober on his own in Florida. And, I got sober in New York. And, it just was kind of weird the way that happened. But, we ended up getting married. And, we have a son together. And, he's married. Never known a drunk parent. He doesn't know I'm in AA. He's just, he's 11. He hasn't figured any of that out. I don't understand it. But, I don't think he wants to know yet. But, I will tell you, I have a relationship with a higher power today. And, I've always had one. I just didn't know. But, I would not be here today without a loving higher power. Who led me. And, you guys lead me to my higher power. You keep me grounded in sobriety, which keeps me so close to God. And, I just, you know, I want for everyone to have this wonderful way of life. And, to embrace it. And, to keep coming back. Because, that's the most important thing. No matter what. Keep coming back no matter what. And, thanks for letting me share. It was a mess. And, the Oscar goes to Mary Catherine.