Third Step and Surrender – Big Book Workshop – Eufaula, AL – Part 8 of 11 – Jim P.

Why don't we do this? Why don' t we take it one day at a time?" Now, I don't know where he got that. I never saw him at a meeting. But you know, I took that course one day the time. I studied hard for the next day. And I wound up with two B's and an A and then I passed the National Registry for Emergency Medical Technicians with the GED I got on the chain gang. Now here's, I tell that story a lot when I talk. And my sponsor always says, but you never give them what happened. And what happened was, God took away my difficulties. I never went and got interferon treatment. I never Went to a liver doctor. I knew for the rest of my life I was going to have hepatitis. I knew it. So I never prayed, God take that away from me. But when I passed that EMT course, they said, now you need to go get the Hep A and B vaccine in case you go into something like Katrina or something like that. You need to have that vaccine. So I went to my doctor and it had been five or six years since I'd had blood tests. And he said, well, let's do this. Instead, it's cheaper than me giving you that vaccine just to go back because right here in your records you've got hepatitis. You've got C. That covers A and D. He said, but let's just test you again. You haven't had blood test in about five years. And I said, okay. And then about a week later, his secretary called and said the doctor would like to see you in the office. Now, to me, when I go have blood tests and the doctor wants to see me in the Office, that is bad news. In my mind, that was bad news, so I went and met with the doctor. I went in there, he opened my file. Some of you might have heard me say, I've got a red dot on my file, that's in case he's not in the Office and I come in there or that's incase my file goes to the emergency room with me and that red dot signifies I'm an alcoholic, drug addict don't give me anything narcotic if you can avoid it. And I have that on my file. And he knows I was in AA. And he says I don't know how to explain this to you as a medical professional but you have no enzymes of hepatitis in your body. None whatsoever. And I didn't do anything to get rid of them. So when that prayer is said it always takes me back take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help so by finishing the story which I never do when I talk because now I've run out of time but that's exactly what happened to me is he took away my difficulties in that third step and I never even knew it so if he can remove hepatitis from me why can't he remove financial insecurity why can he remove unwarranted fear? Why can't he remove all my defects of character a little at a time? That victory over them would bear witness to those I would help of his power, his love and his way of life. And may I do your will always. Then they give you a little warning. We thought well before taking this step, making sure we were ready that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to him we thought well before taking this step it didn't say it up there think well before you're going to do this next step it says it afterwards because you have to be ready to abandon yourself to God as you understand God now it says we found it very desirable to take the spiritual step with an understanding person such as our wife I don't know I didn't have that one best friend or spiritual advisor and this is the surrendering that I talk about so much but it is better to meet God alone than with one who might misunderstand ok the wording of the chorus was quite optional, that's what I said a minute ago he's not telling you what prayers you have to have you can write your own prayers throughout the book they wanted some of the members wanted no God in the book at all. Some of the members wanted the book to be a Christian book and all these conflicting ideas were coming from three different groups. The group in New York had a lot of atheists and agnostics in it and that's where Bill was writing from. The Group in Akron had a Lot of Protestants in it so they liked God and the group in Cleveland was a Lot Of Catholics and so this group in New York was battling the group in Akron and the group in Cleveland was battlingthe group in Akran because they were still doing it the Oxford group way and what the Oxford Group did was had public confession you confessed your sins to the entire group of people the Catholic bishops up in Cleveland didn't want their members to be doing public confession and so that's when the split started happening Cleveland broke off Bill broke off up in New York from the Oxford Group, and then Dr. Bob broke off from the Oxford Group in Akron, and then they formed a group of former drunks. They had different names before the book was written, but Alcoholics Anonymous started as the name of the group in Cleveland, and most agree that even though Bill writes it, he didn't take the name for the book from there. That's how the book got this name. so it says the wording was of course quite optional so long as we express the idea voicing it without reservation now I've told you before if I have a reservation I'm going somewhere so if I don't have a prayer if I no reservation about voicing that prayer out loud and I have no reservation voicing the third step prayer out loud I can do it in front of thousands I can doing in front my sponsees I can do it on a daily basis. God, I offer myself to you. Do with me. Take this load off of me, Lord. And this was only a beginning though if honestly and humbly and humble is what I feel getting on your knees is made an effort sometimes a very great one was felt at once. This was only the beginning though if honesty honestly and humble made an effort sometimes a very great one was felt at once you don't have to wait until you get through the ninth step to start having promises come true in this book my life started getting great the day that I admitted that I was an alcoholic the day I said to myself I admitted to myself without reservations that I wasn't an alcoholic my life began to get better now if my life started getting better then and it's getting better through step two in knowing more about the solution and now that I've accepted there is a God watching over us all there is God watching over me and my life is getting better today why do I need to go any further why don't we just have a three step program because I want better I want more. That's the bottom line. And you remember we talked about it a couple different times about people taking time, don't get in a hurry. You just said the third step prayer, right? What's the next sentence say? Next, we launched out on a course of vigorous action. Steps four through nine. The first step of which is a personal house cleaning. That's step four. but what he's saying he didn't say okay take a week after you've done step three and think about it take an hour after you're done step three and think about it he's saying start your house cleaning now and like I said in the beginning when they only had six steps three or four hours they were through the six step program they had done their house cleaning they made the list of their men they had surrendered to God. They did all this in three and four hours. Desperate alcoholics wanting relief. So when it says we launched, to me launching is something that shoots right off. You get done with step three, you shoot right into step four. Personal house cleaning, step four we're on 64 which many of us had never attempted Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless what? At once, followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Before I go on, I want to read that again. Though our division was a viral and crucial fact, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. And here's where it goes on. Booze was not my problem. Here I came to Alcoholics Anonymous to stop drinking and on page 64, our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to what my problem was. we had to get down the causes and conditions and I'm going wait a minute I've stopped drinking okay so what have you changed are you trying to help people have you made amends have you ever even looked at yourself Jim and the answer was no so that is what it's meaning you know liquor and drugs were not my problem my problem was I was a selfish self-centered son of a bitch and that's the easiest way to say it I really was but I didn't know it you know I just thought I was a nice guy with a drinking problem I didnít go out beating people up not after my first 25 years I stopped doing that I just saw it you now okay Iíve got a little drinking problem My wife thinks I have a drinking problem. My dad thinks I have a drinkin' problem. My stepmother has recommended me go into AA, and I'm in AA, and it takes me about 27 days before I can actually not take a drink, and it takes me three and a half years before I can start working the program because I fought this thing tooth and nail. I was not going to admit I was powerless. And I almost died. I almost died. So liquor was but a symptom. We had to get down to causes and conditions. And so we're going to start on the causes and conditions and we're going to start in ten minutes. I'm going to take a ten minute break and let everybody have a cigarette. Okay? Alright, is everyone back from their cigarette break? Okay, good. Alright, we ended right at the end of the third step where it talked about our liquor was but a symptom so we had to get down to causes and conditions therefore here it is the second paragraph on 64 therefore we started upon a personal inventory this was step four now bill's going to go on to tell us about a commercial inventory of a business and then he's going roll right into what we need to be doing as far as inventorying our lives to find out the causes and conditions that made us alcoholics, that made us drink, that make us do the things that we did. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock in trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsaleable goods to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about the values. So if I'm going to be successful, I have to put down on paper, it's going to tell me exactly what I've done, why I've done it, and what I should do about it. We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First we searched out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failures first we searched out the flaws which caused the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure's being convinced itself again self manifested in various ways was what it defeated as we considered his common mouth manifestations okay and we're going to start with the first one resentment is the number one offender it destroys more alcoholics than anything else from its stems all forms of spiritual disease where we have been not only mentally and physically ill remember dr. Silkworth the obsession of the mind the allergy of the body we have been spiritually sick now here it is when the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out men mentally and physically so what we have to do is we have to get right first with with the god of our understanding we have two we have to overcome our spiritual malady our spiritual sickness which each one of us has when we come in here it's not a two-fold illness it's really a threefold illness dr. Silkworth knew about the two part the obsession and the allergy Carl Jung knew about the other part spirituality to overcome a complete psychic change to have a complete psychic change and Bill put all three of them together when he was writing this so we have to come up overcome the spiritual malady and then we straighten out mentally and physically in dealing with resentment we set them on paper okay he's going to tell us a couple different times why we should write things down we listed people institutions or principles with whom we were angry column one I'm resentful at and then I list those people and when you make a list it's kind of like going to the grocery store I heard a guy say one time you don't write across when you go to the garage store and you write down a list for things you're going to get you write down and so what you should do humbly I'm saying is you should write down column one first all right we listed people institutions and principles whom we were angry column two we ask ourselves why we're angry what did they do to cause being to be angry in most cases we found that our self-esteem our pocketbooks our ambition our personal relationships including sex were hurt or threatened at the column 3 what is it what did it affect how did it affect us was it my security wasn't my personal ambition wasn't my sex relations which have been hurt on our grudge list we said opposite each name our injuries and that's what I just went over the self-esteem security ambition personal relations we usually we were usually as definite as this example now bill is going to use a three column example when you continue read through here you'll find out that there's really like five columns all right I'm resentful at the cause it affects where was I to blame and Where had I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightened, inconsiderate? What character defects caused me to do what I did? So he writes down, I'm resentful at Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, my employer, my wife. And then he goes through the cause. His attention to my wife, Mr. brown. Told my wife about my mistress. Brown may get my job at the office. and that is where you're going to say what does it affect now that affects his sex relationship because of his attention to his wife and about his mistress his self-esteem and his self esteem and security when he's talking about his job now there are three words that are bracketed after that and they're going be another three words bracketed after a couple more of these and we'll get to that in a minute Mrs. Jones she's a nut, she snubbed me well why would she snob him probably because he has a mistress she committed her husband for drinking he's my friend she's gossip ever hear that before he's a gossip she's the gossip I think Dr. Bob is the one who said gossip hurts everybody involved my employer oh next to Mr. Jones his personal relationship and his self-esteem. Next to his employer, he's unreasonable, unjust, overbearing. All employers are unreasonable, unjust, and overbeary, right? He threatens to fire me for drinking and for padding my expense account. Well, if you're drinking on the job and you're stealing money from the company, why wouldn't you be fired? And Bill writes that his self esteem and security were threatened. and then his wife she misunderstands and nags she likes brown she wants the house put in her name goodness gracious it looks like this person is going to lose his wife, his mistress, his job and his house just in four different columns and about his wife it affects his pride is personal and sex relations and it's security. And that word I was talking about, this bracket, it is called fear. And we're going to read about fear in just a second. It says, We went back through our lives and nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. Nothing counted but thoroughiness and honesty When we were finished, we considered it carefully. The first thing a parent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong really to conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got the alcoholics the usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed source sometimes it was remorse and then we restored ourselves but the more we fought and tried to have our own way the worst matters got as in war the victor only seemed to win our moments of triumph or short-lived so it's plain to see it is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness and isn't that true isn't it true when you're sitting around just resentful just hating something or somebody how your mind is so focused on that and it can't allow anything else in, how you're blocked off from everything else around you how when I'm driving into work and somebody cuts me off I can be so resentful at them the whole day that I can't get anything done and he goes on to say to the precise extent that we permit these do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile that's exactly what I'm talking about that I'm sitting here focused on that person cutting me off all day long wanting to go back and wreck his car you know and I don't get any work done because I'm just squandering away the hours that would have been worthwhile but with an alcoholic and this is very important here listen but with the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience this business of resentment is infinitely grave we found that it is fatal for when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit the insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again and with us to drink is to die continually talks about how this disease is one deadly thing if we don't get rid of these defects of characters and get this spiritual experience Bob summed it up pretty easily when he said the program should be just broken down into trust God, clean house help others and trust God is the first three steps clean house is four through eleven help others is twelve with us to drink is to die if we were to live we had to be free of anger the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us they may be the dubious luxury of normal men but for the alcoholic these things are poison ok and it says we turn back to the list for it held the key to the future we were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle we began to see the world and its people really dominated us in that state the wrongdoing of others fancied or real made up or real had the power to actually kill how could we escape we saw that these resentments must be mastered but how we could not wish them any wish them away any more than alcohol okay this was our course we realized that people who had wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick and this is a this is where we're going to get into what we call the sick man prayer or the resentment prayer though we did not like their symptoms in the way they disturbed us they like ourselves were sick too we asked God to help us help us show them the same tolerance pity and patience that we cheerfully grant a sick friend when a person offended us we said to ourselves this is a sick man how can I be helpful to him or her God save me from being angry thy will be done that's what we need to be learning to do it's hard sometimes but the more you practice it the more you study it the more you do it the easier it becomes because we cannot get involved in what we're going to talk about next we avoid retaliation or argument we wouldn't treat sick people that way if we do we destroy our chance of being helpful we cannot be helpful to all people but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one okay back referring to our list again putting out of our minds the wrongs other had done now people talk about well we have to disregard the other person's part and we don't look at their part it doesn't talk about part in the big book of alcoholics anonymous it doesn'T talk about looking at anybody else this is our inventory remember and so we put out of our minds the wrongs others had done. We don't even think about them. We look for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? That is where column 5 comes in. Though a situation has not been entirely our fault, we try to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. when we saw our faults we listed them we placed them before us in black and white we admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight now that's forgiving forgiving if other people have wronged us we make such a big deal out of it that it blows up in our face so what we have to do is look at what we did look at our defects and we have be willing to set the matter straight and again it says we admitted our wrongs honestly honestly honestly honestly this is a program of honest action now remember the word that was next to those self-esteem and personal ambitions and everything that was affected it was the word fear and it says now notice the word fear is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer and the wife this short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives fear fear touches almost every aspect of my life when I first got here it was an evil and corroding thread the fabric of our existence was shot through with it it set in motion trains of circumstance which brought us misfortunes we felt we didn't deserve we felt we didn' t deserve it but did we not ourselves set the ball rolling sometimes we think fear ought to be classified with stealing it seems to cause more trouble it steals my state of mind it steals my thought pattern it steals my compassion it steals everything that I want because I'm so afraid and it's not even real it's a fancy fear and so on the next list because we have four lists that we're talking about doing the resentments, the next one is going to be fear who or what do I fear the cause what's it affect what part of self have I been relying on which has failed me and what did I do so we refute our fears thoroughly we put them on paper even though we had no resentments in connection with them we ask ourselves why we had now wasn't it because self-reliance had failed us self-reliance was good as far as it went but it didn't go far enough some of us once had great self-confidence but it did not fully solve the fear problem or any other when it made us cocky it only was worse you know when you think about it when you thing about the fear there is a normal fight or flight fear put in us by God it is normal to have real fear but as an alcoholic i imagined fear all the time i projected what was going to happen tomorrow a week from tomorrow a month from tomorrow and it was always going to be bad news no matter how good i did at my job it was never going to to be good enough tomorrow and so my projections and this is what i was i was told real early on in my sobriety working with my sponsor my projections almost always wrong i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow i don'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT WEEK OR NEXT MONTH i DON'T KNOW IF I'M GONNA WAKE UP TOMORROW SO WHAT I HAVE TO DO IS I HAVETO LOOK AT TODAY I have to keep my feet firmly planted in sobriety of today and not be projecting so the next paragraph it says perhaps there is a better way we think so for we are now on a different basis the basis of trusting and relying upon God step 3 we trust infinite God rather than our finite selves we are in the world to play the role he assigns just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on him does he enable us to match calamity with serenity so if i'm relying on god in all my affairs forget the drinking drinking was just a symptom remember it was just apart but now if i'M RELYING ON GOD IN ALL MY AFFAIRS he allows me to match calamity with serenity. You know, my little brother, I held his hand when he died and that was calamity. But because I was relying on God I didn't have to get freaked out about it I didn' t have to go running around crazy I didn''t have to do all these things that I would have been doing if I was drunk because I had serenity I knew that God had taken my little brother away from the pain that he was in the same goes for when I found my older brother just about a year ago it was horrible at first but the first thing I did after I called for the sheriff to come out was I called my sponsor and the calamity of the situation I had serenity knowing that God had taken my older brother for whatever reason I didn't have to drink or drug over it I didn' t have to go running around crazy about it I had Serenity because I trust God in all my affairs not just my drinking affairs I trust Him in all of my affairs and he goes on to say that we never apologize to anyone depending on our creator we can laugh at those who think spirituality is the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage and all men of faith have courage. They trust their God. So we never apologize for God. Instead, we let Him demonstrate through us what He can do. Not me telling you what God's done for me, but follow me around. that's the true essence of this program can you follow me around all day and can you watch what I do I'm not perfect nobody is perfect there was one carpenter that was perfect but I was not perfect and I'm Not Perfect Today but it's progress and today I'm better than I was a year ago in handling situations and today I try to let my actions show people what this program has done for me. I try to let God demonstrate through me what he can do. We ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. At once, at once we commence to outgrow fear. Alright, so you have five columns for your fear reviews. Now you're going to have five columns about your sex because the next paragraph says now about sex many of us needed an overhaul in there I certainly did but above all we tried to be sensible on this question it's so easy to get off the track here we found human opinions running to the extreme extremes absurd extreme perhaps one set voices cries the sex of the lusts of our lower nature a base necessary a base necessary of procreation then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex yeah that was my voice who bewail the institution of marriage you think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes they think we do not have enough of it or that it isn't the right time they see the significance everywhere now when the when I have my my five columns here I review my contact over the past years who did I hurt what did I do what feelings did I create in others where had I been selfish dishonest self-seeking frightened and considerate and what should I have done instead one school will allow no man no flavor for his fair and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet and this is where they they really just said to themselves we need to let each individual person work that out with god we want to stay out of this controversy we do not want to be the arbitrator of anyone's sex conduct we all have sex problems we'd hardly be human if we didn't what can we do about them well we've re we reviewed our contact over the past years next column where where you know where we've been selfish dishonest inconsiderate who did we hurt did we unjustly arouse suspicion jealousy bitterness where were we at fault what should we have done instead again we got this down on paper and we looked at it in this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life we subjected each relation to this test was it selfish or not we asked god to mold our ideas and help us live up them we remembered always that our sex powers were God given and therefore good neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed and I've got nor misunderstood we ask God to mold our ideas and to help us live up to them whatever our ideal turns out to be we must be willing we must being willing to grow towards it we must been willing to make amends where we have done harm provided that we do not bring about still more harm in doing so. Step 9 In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, step 11 we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come if we want it. If we want and we're relying on God through our third step then we will get the right answer. God alone can judge our sex situation nobody else has the right to judge it not even me God alone can judge it he goes on to say counsel with persons is often desirable but we let God be the final judge we realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose we avoid hysterical thinking or advice I have guys come to me all the time and want advice and I tell them let's look for it in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that's the only advice I have I can't give advice on financial matters on relationship matters I don't have that capability I have the capability of going back to the book and studying with them exactly where it is is it safe, is it sound is it what you want is it God given have you prayed about it now in step four and five the first 100 are going to tell us a couple times what possibly might make us drink resentment if we hold on to them we might drink we're in the sex inventory suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble top of a page 72nd paragraph does this mean we're going to get drunk some people tell us so but this is only a half truth it depends on us and our motives if we are truly sorry for what we have done and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things we believe we will be forgiven and we will have learned our lesson here it comes if we are not sorry and our conduct continues to harm others we are quite sure to drink we are not theorizing these are the facts out of our experience so they have experienced this they have watched this over and over in the three and a half years from the time they started meeting to the time that they wrote this book they watched over and over that when people were just free and loose and didn't care about who they harmed that they invariably got drunk again. And for us to drink is to die. To sum up about sex we earnestly pray for the right ideal for guidance in each questionable situation for sanity and for the strength to do the right thing. Alright? If sex is very troublesome and we throw ourselves harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the impervious urge when to yield with mean heartache. Each one of us probably has personal experience with being in love with somebody and then losing that person in their life. Okay? And each one of Us probably at one time or another yielded to an unhealthy sexual attitude, either having a mistress or going around a girlfriend's back or something like that. And this is for girls as well as guys. And invariably we were drinking. Now that we're not drinking and now that we know that drinking was just a symptom, we need to straighten out not only our resentments, our angers, our sex but any other harms that we've caused others any other thing we did to harm others if we have been thorough about our personal inventory we have written down a lot we have listed and analyzed our resentments we have begun to comprehend their futility and fatality we have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness we have begin we have begun to learn tolerance patience and goodwill towards all men even our enemies for we look on them as sick people we have listed the people we hurt by our conduct and are willing to straighten them out straighten out the past if we can without doing other harms In this book you will read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced that God now can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, step three, and an inventory of your gross or handicaps, step four, you've made a good beginning. That being so, you swallowed and digested some big truths big chunks of truth about yourself I was thinking about stopping there but I think I'm going to go on another couple pages into action chapter six now remember the first five chapters almost first four and a half chapters were dedicated to the problem and the solution Step one, step two. The problem and the solution. Bill was trying to get people to understand that entirely all the way up to the end of the ABCs. And then he said being convinced we're now at step three. So step three and step four are in chapter five. Now chapter six, into action. A program of action. a design for living this chapter alone contains step 5 6, 7, 8 9, 10 and 11 this chapter alone contains all those steps because we are convinced that we have a problem we have made a decision by being convinced that there is a solution a spiritual awakening a spiritual experience a change in the way we do, act or think having made our personal inventory into action what shall we do about it? We have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our creator and discover the obstacles in our path we have admitted certain defects we have ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is we put our finger on the weak items in our personal inventory now these are about to be cast out this requires action on our part which when completed will mean that we have admitted to God to ourselves and to another human being the neck the exact nature of our defects this brings us to the fifth step of the program of recovery mentioned in the preceding chapter program of recovery requires action on our part and it's easy for me to stand back and say well okay I've written down my my shortcomings I've ripped down my fears my sex conduct my resentments my harms to others so I know and God knows them why I gotta go tell somebody else why can't I just move on with the program without having to admit them to somebody else because the confessions of my shortcoming to another human being is what is the freeing part of this fifth step it says that this is perhaps difficult even discussing our defects with another especially discussing our defects with another person we think we've done well enough in admitting these things to ourselves there is doubt about that in actual practice we usually find a solitary self appraisal insufficient many of us thought it necessary to go much further will be more reconciled to discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reasons why we should do so the best reason first if we skip this vital step we may not overcome drinking it says in the end of the sex inventory if we continue to harm other people and we're not sorry and we are not asking for forgiveness we are sure to drink they weren't theorizing if we skip this vital being life giving step we may NOT overcome our drinking so they are telling me that I have to discuss this somebody else time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives ever heard that these secrets will kill you trying to avoid this humbling experience they have turned to easier methods what happened almost invariably they got drunk having persevered with the rest of the program they wonder why they fell we think the reason is they never completed their house cleaning they took inventory all right but they hung on to some of the worst items in stock they only thought they had lost their egoism and fear they only thought they have humbled themselves but they had not learned enough of humility fearlessness and honesty in the sense we find it necessary until they told someone else all their life story now when i was first writing my inventory i was writing it from the time i got drunk the first time to the time I came into Alcoholics Anonymous that's what I thought I was supposed to be doing and then when I read the word all my life story I realized that I had to go back before I started drinking and I had to tell somebody about what I did before I turned 11 and had my first drink that when i was 10 years old that a friend of mine got bit by a little mouse on the way home from school and he took it home with him and his mother called my mother we were on an air force base my mother asked me if i got bit and i didn't like school and i thought i was going to get out of school and I said yes I did even though I had no scratch marks or no bite marks on me anywhere I lied and instead of getting out of schools some of you know my story I wound up getting rabies shots simply because I was lying when I thought back when I was seven years old and lived at Yokota Air Force Base in Japan some of us decided we wanted to roast some marshmallows across the street nobody was around we got up some dry grass somebody went and got some coat hangers somebody wouldn't got the marshmallows I of course wasn't got the matches we lit that little pile of dried grass and the entire field caught on fire just like that and all of us ran in different directions to our house I ran into my house I picked up the phone somebody answered it and I yelled fire and I hung it up I was seven years old I had no clue that on a military base when you pick up the foam somebody answers it they know where the calls coming from so everybody knew exactly who called when my dad got home he said Jim did you start the fire across the street and I said no no sir and he knew I was lying so before I had a drink I was full of lying cheating and stealing so alcohol didn't make me do that I realized when I told somebody all my life story goes on to say more than most people the alcoholic leads a double life he's very much the actor to the outer world he presents his stage character this is one he likes his fellows to see he wants to enjoy a certain reputation but he knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it that was me the big shot ism i wanted everybody to see how great i was and inside i didn't feel great at all i was just trying to put on a show the inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees my sprees were continually I mean I didn't drink in the morning I told you and I didn t drink in the afternoon I didn d drink with clients but my goal was to make it through the day so I could start drinking for the effect produced by alcohol and get drunk I was not looking for social drinking, ever. I wanted that ultimate feeling that most alcoholics have. I want to be hammered. And one of the things that I did so many times was in a blackout. I'd come to and people would tell me what I did and I was like, you're full of junk. You know? There's no way I could have done something as stupid as that. There's not. No way. and then I remembered one time I was sitting in the living room with a girl that I had thought I might want to marry and her parents were visiting from overseas and I had gotten so drunk that at mid-conversation apparently I had passed out and when I came to the next morning sitting in a chair everybody had gone to bed my friend told me what had happened that I just at mid conversation I just blacked completely out and I said no way and then he showed me a picture he had taken with a Polaroid camera he had placed a 50 pound bag of dog food in my lap and taken a picture of me and then took the dog food off my lap and then showed me the picture the next day and I was appalled and of course that girl never married me you know I'm friends with her parents but I don't see them very often but boy I don' t forget that I don't forget that he trembles to think that someone might have observed him of course somebody did and took a picture but then as fast as he can he pushes these memories far inside himself he hopes he'll never see the light of day he is under constant fear and tension and that makes for more drinking of course it does psychologists are inclined to agree with this we have spent thousands of dollars for examinations we know but few instances were given these doctors a fair break we spend 175 dollars an hour to talk about ourselves to a doctor and when they ask us well how much do you drink oh just a couple here there but we're spending all that time effort and money for somebody to listen to our lies we have seldom told them the whole truth nor have we followed their advice so when we did tell them the truth and they said well you've got an alcohol problem you probably need to go Alcoholics Anonymous it's a lot cheaper than $175 an hour but we didn't follow their advice unwilling to be honest with these sympathetic men we were honest with no one else small wonder many in the medical profession have a low opinion of alcoholics and their chance of recovery we must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long and happy in this world rightly and naturally we think well before we choose the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step I've heard many times people pick a sponsor they give them the most intimate details of their sex conduct their fears, their resentment and then those sponsors wind up either making fun of them at a poker game or a bridge party or a ladies party and telling their four step inventory to somebody else so when it says we think long we think well before we choose the person to take this intimate and confidential step. Those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must and, of course, will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it. Confession. Though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by established religion they just are not supposed to tell anybody what we say they're not supposed too Alcoholics Anonymous is full of priests pastors, nuns and they found a spiritual way of life that they couldn't find in their own religion or they rediscovered it by not having to drink we often find such a person quick to see and understand our problems of course we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics. Most non-alcoholics don't understand us. It goes on to say, and this will be the last paragraph I read, if we cannot or would rather not do this, we search, and that's talking about not doing the step, but not doing it to somebody ordained. We search our acquaintances for a closed mouth understanding friend. They don't talk about sponsorship in the big book like they do in the 12 and 12. but that's what we're talking about here a closed mouth understanding friend we might talk to our doctor or psychologist it may be one of our own family I don't think so but it may be oneofourownfamily but we cannot disclose anything to our wives or our parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy and I go on to say and our sons and our daughters and our brothers and our sisters I just don't recommend that my guys do that with family members. It's best for me to do it with my sponsor so my sponsor can help me later on when I'm writing my eighth and doing my ninth step. I feel they need to know these things. We have no right to save our skin at another person's expense. Such parts of our stories we tell to someone who will understand yet be unaffected. The rule is, the rule is we must be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others. Hard on ourselves, but always consideredate of other's. Okay next week we are going to pick up with the last paragraph on page 74. We are going continue in step 5 and we are getting into action. we're going to start moving along quick because this program needs to be done and it needs to be done not in a hurried manner but in a thorough dedicated manner in which you don't sit around and take your time this is not the easy do it place this is to continue the action that's going to save your life ok I'll see y'all next week thanks We'll start the meeting like we normally do with a moment of silent meditation to be used as you see fit, and we'll start it with a serenity prayer. Serenity Prayer? God, grant me the serenety to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I'm an alcoholic. My name is Jim Powers. And my sobriety date is February 18th, 2002. I have not been forced or wanted to take a drink or a mind-altering drug since that time. I'm glad you all are back. We are in week six of this 10-week study that might go to nine weeks and it might go into 13 weeks. It just depends on how much I talk. To recap a little bit from last week, we started how it works. We read through the 12 proposals as they're called or the 12 steps And what we learned is the steps that are on the wall are really condensed versions of what is in the book on how to do them. And we went through the third step and the third-step prayer. I'm a firm believer in that third step being the surrender step, and Chuck Seeds talks about the surrender beyond the surrender in a book called The New Pair of Glasses that is something that I've had to learn over and over again that I have to surrender not only my will and my life my alcoholism but everything in my life i have to surrender to the god of my understanding the that i found through the chapter we agnostic because if my problem was powerlessness then what i had to find was a power and i hadto find a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity and then take care of all my problems and that's what's happened in my life now last week when we were going over the fourth step we were using the guidance that came out of the big book and one of the other papers that I used. I'm going to hand out something because I'm just going to hit a highlight on this today. This is kind of a guide that Joe and Charlie started. Those guys are like world renowned on the big books studies. What I'm going to do is when we looked at the four step, we had three columns is what Bill originally wrote. he wrote the columns where am I let me get back to where it is on page 65 where he talked about write down the resentment in column 1 the cause in column 2 and what it affects in column 3 but as you read through the book and study it there's really 5 columns because it asks us to look at ourselves and where was I to blame column 4 when it says putting out of my mind the wrongs others have done. I looked at my own mistakes and what was the exact, what did I do? What was the exact nature of my wrong? And column five is where had I been the instigator? Where had I been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate? What character defects caused me to do what I did? Because in column one and each one of these it's the first list of resentments and it's fear so there's sexual conduct and there's harms done on others which we'll read about in another page or so So when I wrote down column one and I wrote down my resentments, and I'm going to use an example from my life, okay? A girl, all right? I was resentful at this girl. Why? Because, you know, the cause was because she left me for no reason, you Know? There was no reason. And then, you Now, column three, you Know, what did it affect? Well, damn, it affected everything. It affected my personal relationship, my self-esteem, my sex. It affected everything, and then when I looked at column four and column five where I wrote down in column one I was a victim. I was the victim of what this person did to me, and by the time I got to column four where I had been to blame and column 5 where had I been selfish, I realized I was the perpetrator. I was The One who started the ball rolling. Nobody forced me to date this girl. Nobody forced Me to drink alcohol, okay? But going from a victim in column one to being the one that caused it in column four and five is what I'm trying to get across to you. And it's in the book when we put out the wrongs that others have done us, where have I been self-seeking, selfish, self-centered? And I had to look at she didn't do anything wrong. She did the same thing alcohol did. Made me feel good at first and I knew it was going to hurt me and I kept going back and so I couldn't blame her. I had to blame myself and I had put her out of my mind. So what we're going to do and I do these things really I read line by line the first 103 pages in the big book and the reason I read those 103 pages line by line is because that's where the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are contained. After page 103, you get into to the wives, to the family afterwards, and to the employers. And I don't have anything to offer. I don' t have a wife, but I don''t have anything to offer a significant other person in my life. I don'T have anything to offer my employer. And I DON' T have anything to offer for my family if I haven't done the spiritual principles in the first 103 pages. And that's why I spend so much time going over it line by line. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to start, and I'm going to use a couple of little books today too because I like to bring in other AA approved books. But we were reading on page 74. We were in step five. And what we're doing now is we've made a list. We've done the fourth step. We've written it all down. We've argued with ourselves about why we should have to tell somebody else all of our defects of character. And in the middle of page 74, it says if we cannot or would not rather do this we search and they're talking about going to a clergyman or um some ordained religion we search our acquaintance for a closed mouth understanding friend okay in in the paragraph above it it talks about a person to whom we take this intimate and confidential step all right so we look for a close mouth understanding friends and it talks perhaps our doctor or psychologist just to be the person. It might be one of our own family, but we cannot disclose anything to our wives or our parents which will hurt them or make them unhappy. And I go on to say aunts, uncles, children, anybody in the family. Remembering that when this book was mailed, this was the original 12-step call. So they didn't have sponsors. And so they're trying to tell people in a clear-cut way that they need to do this with somebody. And even if they have to do it with a family member, they have to be careful if they're doing it with a family member that they don't say something or do something that's going to cause them harm because we're going to be looking at that in a few minutes it says right there which will hurt them and make them mad we have no right to save our own skin at another person's expense such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand yet be unaffected the rule is we must be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others. Notwithstanding the great necessity for discussing ourselves with someone, it may be one who is so situated that there is no suitable person available. And if that's so, this step may be postponed. Only. Only. However, if we hold ourselves in complete readiness to go through with it at the very first opportunity, at the first opportunity. We say this because we are very anxious that we talk to the right person. It is important that he is able to keep confidence, that he fully understands and approves what we are driving at. Again, on that page three times it talks about confidence. I'm going to read something out of a book called The Little Red Book. Before Bill wrote the 12 in 12, Dr. Bob used a book called The Little Read Book that explained the steps a little bit further. When Bill wrote The 12 in12 and got approval in 1950 for the 12 traditions to be put into effect 13 years after the big book he wrote The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions we call it 12 by 12 and then the little red book went out of AA's history but Dr. Bob on page 72 says if in doubt about when to take step 5 take it immediately it is far better to take it before we think we are ready than to postpone it and not take it at all many members with years of sobriety in AA find that taking Step 5 from time to time helps them maintain their continued sobriete. And it goes on on the next page, the metamorphosis from the alcoholic to the new AA personality becomes more evident upon completion of Step 5. We are impressed with the simplicity of this effective spiritual device that started our spiritual awakening. The step is a direct challenge to our sincerity because we have been promised humility, a spiritual experience, and a loss of fear when we have talked over our defects with a third person. So that was what Dr. Bob was using. Now, Bill was going all over the country starting groups. Dr. Bobs stayed in Akron and worked with over 5,000 alcoholics in the hospital there with Sister Ignatia. And so Bill was seeing all these things that we're developing around the nation, groups starting and then groups disbanding because of the egos that we alcoholics have. I always say go to a group conscious meeting and then see if you want to go back. That's in my area. Up here, you all are a little more calm and collected. I haven't seen a screaming person yet in a group consciousness meeting here. I don't know that there hasn't been in the past. I'm seeing a smile and a nod, so okay. but the whole thing is when Bill was seeing all these things he was formulating the 12 traditions and he was writing them in the grapevine the little magazine that was put out called Meeting in Print and by 1950 he had written all 12 of the long form of the traditions and then he had to convince Dr. Bob at the 1950 the first international convention in Cleveland to have these accepted. And Dr. Bob, at first, didn't want to do it. He said, we've got a program. We don't need anything extra. But he became convinced by Bill that really and truly for AA to survive, we needed those 12 traditions. And so that's when the 12 in 12 came into play two years after Bob died is when it was written and published. And I'll use a little bit of it. I normally don't bring the 12 and 12 in until we get into the sixth step. But today I'll bring in a little bit of it, I think. Okay, it goes on the top page of 75. It says, when we've decided who's to hear our story, we waste no time. All right? Immediately. We have a written inventory and we're prepared for a long talk. We explain to our partner what we're about to do and why we have to do it. Why we haveと do it because we've already found out that if we decide, it says in the beginning of this chapter, that if we don't do this, we might not get over drinking. And it's similar to what a statement at the end of the fourth step in the inventory when it says if our conduct continues to harm people and we're not sorry for it, we're sure to drink. And they go on to say we're no terrorizing. This is a fact that was presented to them. So again, they're saying that this is something we must do. He should realize that we are engaged upon a life and death errand. Most people approached in this way will be glad to help and they'll be honored by our confidence. And so we sit down with them and this next paragraph I'm going to read it and then I'm gonna read it a second time. The reason I'm gonna do that is because this is where the fifth step promises are. There's promises in every step. We read the ninth step promises at a lot of meetings, but a lot of times we don't read the fifth steps or the second step promises, but here it is. We pocket our pride and we go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, withholdING NOTHING, no secrets, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. I'm going to read it again. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. That's a promise. We can look the world in the eyes. That's an promise. We can be alone at perfect peace. That's another promise. And ease. That's also a promise too. our fears will fall from us that's a promise we begin to feel the nearness of our creator that's the sixth promise right there we may have had certain spiritual beliefs seven but now we are beginning to have a spiritual experience that spiritual experience is eight and nine promises the feeling that the great problem has disappeared to be 10 will often come strongly we feel that We are on the broad highway, 11, walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. There's 12 promises in that one paragraph. If you read it slowly and you look at them, there are 12 promises in the fifth step right there. How is we feel we are on the broad hallway of promise? We're on the broad highway walking hand-in-hand with our creator. Does that make sense? Yes. Now it tells us what we're going to do. We're going to sit around for a couple of weeks and we've done our fifth step now. We've withheld nothing and so there's no timelines in this program. Take your time, right? You hear that all the time. Easy does it. Well, it says returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour. That means that we return home after doing our fifth step and we sit down for an hour right then. Not waiting a week to think about it. okay carefully reviewing what we have done we thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better taking this book down from our shelves we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps carefully reading the first five proposals the first 5 steps we ask if we have admitted anything for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last I talked