The Truth Comes When Someone Hits You With a Two-By-Four 🤣 – Russell S.

My name is Russell S.. I'm an alcoholic. I am a member of the Carl Gables Group of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I haven't found it necessary to have a drink since January 25, 1981, through the grace of God. And it's a privilege and a pleasure to be here with you guys. It's always good for me to be amongst individuals who are trying to get something more. That's what Bill Dotson said in Alcoholics Anonymous number three. He said, I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got. I've always wanted something more, something I knew I hadn't got. You know, in the big book it says we've experienced much of heaven and we've been rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. I met guys who had that in Alcoholics Anonymous. There wasn't a lot of them, but I met a few, and I knew it was more than just not drinking. I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got. In true alcoholic fashion, I wanted to get it in about a week. You know, I'd see some guy with 30 years or 35 years, and he had something I wanted. I didn't even know what he had, but he had it. Something I hadn't got, and I said maybe I can sit by this guy's knees or whatever it is and get it. And he said, I want to get it. And I said, I want to get it. And I said, I want to get what he's got in a few days. Maybe I can do a really good fourth step and get it in about a week or two. And I've discovered that in order to get 30 years or 32 years of contented sobriety and emotional sobriety, Bill Wilson said our real problem is unhealthy dependencies. In order to get the kind of emotional sobriety that I wanted, I have to think. You know, 30 or 32 years, what I saw in these guys, you have to put in the 32 years. You've got to do that deal because part and parcel of the growth that happens in Alcoholics Anonymous is going through the suffering, which we're going to talk about in Step 7, where we talk about the value of suffering. I know as alcoholics, we don't like that regime. You know, we would rather figure out how to get wonderful while on. The yacht with the Playboy bunnies. But apparently, the whole system that's been produced by God, the God of my understanding, has to do with being steadfast and persevering with a continuity of effort through a lot of crap that we like to lovingly call life. Apparently, my problem was I didn't do well in life. Whatever insulation God gives those other people to allow them to handle traffic jams and just real assholes and bad breaks and misunderstandings, whatever insulation it gives those people who seemingly get through life and glide through life without wanting to put a bullet in their head and somebody else's head, apparently was not given to me. And for me, life was painful. Now, of course, and for me, life is all about fear. Now, sometimes it feels like anger, and sometimes it feels like disappointment. But I now know after 31 years of doing this, it all boils down to the corrosive thread of fear. Because when I'm not scared, I'm not angry. And I'm not scared, I'm not depressed. When I'm not scared, I feel good. But I'm talking about something I learned after many, many years of working this deal. This isn't like I knew this at age 10, or I knew this at age 20, or age 30. I didn't know I had fear. I didn't understand any of this stuff. I just knew this is the way I felt. As a matter of fact, apparently, one of the problems with alcoholism, it's not the alcohol, which is just a symptom of the disease. Alcohol is really the stuff I use so that I don't have to experience alcoholism. It works better than any woman, any car, any amount of money. Just pop a few drinks, you know. And so I experienced drunk a lot. But I didn't really experience alcoholism unless I was sober. That's the problem with drinking. The problem with drinking is every once in a while you've got to sober up. And then they're all there again. You know, those people doing that stuff, you know. You know what it says, the world and its people dominate us. The wrongdoings of others, fancy to real. Fancy, that's another word for imaginary. Imaginary crap drives you crazy, you know. You know, why are they talking about me? They're not talking about you. They're thinking about them, you know. You know, it's like the two psychiatrists that pass themselves in the hall and one says hi and the other says, I wonder what he meant by that, you know. So it says, men and women drink because they like the effect produced by alcohol. They are restless, irritable, and discontented unless they can again experience a sense of ease and comfort, which comes at once by taking a few drinks. So that's my problem. My problem is, is whatever that thing, that's going on with me before I take the few drinks. That's the real problem. The problem with me is not the drink, and the problem with me is whatever's going on in my brain before I take the drinks. I mean, after I take the drinks, it's over. But whatever's going on in me before I take the drinks is a real problem. I have a real problem with sobriety. A real issue with sobriety. And unfortunately, if you're sober, you have that problem too. As a matter of fact, every person I know in Alcoholics Anonymous, whether they've been sober five years, ten years, or twenty years, who drinks after a long time of sobriety, right before they take that drink, they're sober. It's true. I've done actually a survey on this. So if you're sober, you really ought to be concerned about that. And so I want to talk about, I want to talk about permanent sobriety. And apparently, permanent sobriety has something to do with happiness. Although, interestingly enough, the goal is not necessarily to be happy. But apparently, there's a difference between happiness and joy. I'm not quite sure what that is, but they say the twelfth step is the joy of living. That's the theme. Can you have joy and have cancer? You know, I think that's possible. As a matter of fact, I know that's possible. You know, when you've experienced it, you know it. You can have joy in all sorts of situations. Can you have joy when you don't have any money? Absolutely. Can you have joy when you're being foreclosed upon? Absolutely. You can have joy all over the place. You know, you can live a joyous life. You know, you don't have to live a life where how you feel about yourself depends upon what the guy in the front row of Alcoholics Anonymous thinks about you. You don't have to live a life where how you feel about yourself depends upon how much money you have in the bank or what kind of car you drive or any of that. You know, you can base your life on something a little bit more permanent than that. And so I want to talk, I'm going to talk a little bit about the sixth step. We are going to cover the sixth step tonight, at least the way I'm going to cover it. I don't do the steps the way I used to do the steps like 27 years ago, and there's nothing wrong with that. I don't do a how to do it sort of thing. I sort of, over the last 10 years, I've looked at the steps. You know, you would think that you would evolve to a certain extent after 30 years or so. And I've become focused on other things. And so that's what I'm going to talk about. Now, since I'm dealing with alcoholics, you all are probably alcoholics, I know you're very sensitive. And, you know, I told my sponsor, he used to hurt my feelings all the time, because if you're an alcoholic, you're constantly getting your feelings hurt because you're sensitive, you know. And, you know, you'll come in here and people will say things you don't like and they'll, you know, they'll tell you to do things that you don't think you should. And you're always running into... Stay away from them sober guys, you know, they'll just kill you. But, you know, you run into sponsors that, you know, don't really understand you because you're so unique and you're so different. And so what happens is I used to tell my sponsor, I'd say, you know, well, I'm sensitive. He'd say, no, Russ, he says, great artists are sensitive, you're just touchy. And I am in a touch... And I remember sitting in a meeting, I think I told you guys about this at one meeting when I was about a month sober, and a guy said something in the beginning of the meeting, and I think he called himself a recovered alcoholic, which is biblical, which is to say that in the book, I didn't know this at the time, it says we are more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. But, of course, I was a month sober, so I thought I knew everything. And I had heard everybody saying, you're not cured, you're not cured, you're never cured, we're all recovering, recovering, recovering. And since I had never heard anybody use the word recovered, as soon as he said recovered, I immediately thought he didn't know what he was talking about. I got mad at him, and then I did what alcoholics do, because you don't see the world the way the world is, you see the world the way you are. And since as an alcoholic, I felt crappy about myself, because all alcoholics feel like shit about themselves, which is why you say to yourself, I'm an idiot, I'm stupid, I'm a jerk, that's why you tell yourself all those things in the shower and stuff, and that's why you have all that self-talk that's putting yourself down and deprecating yourself, because your reputation with yourself is that you're crap and you don't deserve anything, and I know we all say that we don't give a crap what other people think about us, but we say that, but you know, as we've said this before, people who say or think, I don't give a crap what they think about me, all they do is think about what other people think about them, because people that really don't give a crap what other people think about them don't say that stuff and don't even think that stuff. You know, they say other stuff, like let's have a pizza or something, you know, they don't say that stuff. So when you have low self-esteem and, you know, nothing makes a... nothing will hurt a person who feels like he's secretly insufficient more than being treated like he's secretly insufficient. So as soon as the guy... and of course I took everything personally, so as soon as the guy said, I'm a recovered alcoholic, what I heard him say, and I knew he was looking right at me, is I'm cured and you're not. I'm better than you. And so I just hated him throughout the entire meeting, you know. Do you think you can hate someone? Do you think you can hate somebody so much during the time meeting and have a committee going so much against people and, you know, and thinking so hard about how much you hate them and how could they have them so that you don't hear a word somebody says? Yes, you can. I've proven that. You can go to a meeting and not hear a word because you're worried about something else or some other thing. And when I got out of the meeting, of course, my sponsor asked me, hey, how'd you like him? Because my sponsor had told me he had a lot of sobriety and he was a good speaker and I said he was an idiot. He was stupid. He doesn't know anything. He was telling people they were cured. He said he was a recovered alcoholic. And that's when my sponsor clued me in. He says, well, you are. He is. You know, he had apparently read the big book and I hadn't. And I can only imagine, like I say, how much better this talk tonight would be if I had actually listened to him. So I'm going to say a few things that's probably going to piss a couple of people off for no other reason because they're piss-offable. Well, you know, our tense spiritual axiom, don't go by me. I don't go by me because I think it's all screwed up. My best thing got me in here. I go by the big book, by the 12 and 12, and it says whenever we're disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. Whenever you're disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. So if I disturb you, you know, that's my goal, to piss you off. Then you owe me like a $20 copayment because it's like giving you a spiritual MRI. Because what happens is I piss you off. Why did you say that? You think about me. For a week and a half, I'm not thinking about you, but you think about me for a week and a half, and finally you know you're going to drink unless you can get me off your mind. You talk to your sponsor, you pray, you do a four-step honor, and all of a sudden you see something you've never seen before, and you say that's what he's saying, and all of a sudden it's stuff, and then all of a sudden you say, you know, he's right, and you learn something about yourself, and then you come up to me and say, you know, I used to hate you, but now I love you, and that's the way it works. And you change, and I say, well, that's nice, you know, and that's how it works. So I'm going to say a couple of things and I'm going to tell the truth about me, you know, and that's the deal. The problem is I'm going to tell you about my experience. Now, unfortunately, after you've been around for a while, you know, you do tend to get opinionated. I do have opinions, okay, and you don't have to bind to any of my opinions. I just throw them out there. You know, A is like a giant toolbox. There's a wrench to fit every nut that walks through the door, and I may not be your wrench, and you know, get somebody else, you know, you take what you like and leave the rest and all that sort of stuff. But in telling, in getting to where I want to go tonight, because there is, I know you're going to find this hard to believe, there is actually something I want to talk about. This may sound like rambling, but it actually isn't. It's the ramble before we actually get into the meat of the thing. I'm sort of like softening you guys up until I get into the tough stuff. You know, I want to talk about something that is going to be a little tough, okay, and, you know, one of the, you know, they talk about tough love. You know, sometimes the best thing, the things you hear are the stuff that hurt you the most. Sometimes the people that tell you things that really slap you in the face and you really get pissed off are the guys that are saving your life. And sometimes people, because they're so worried more about what you think about them and whether you like them or not, than telling you the absolute truth will pat you on the back as they're patting you on the back into the grave. You know, and what you ultimately learn, and this is sort of like goes into suffering, is that most of the time, most of the things that we ultimately do in here where we change, you know, if you don't change your direction, you're going to wind up where you're headed. And most things we do in here where we change our direction in life and grow up as a result of being slapped on the ass, which is probably why in the seventh step it says the way we get a new perspective and get some humility is through 100 forms of humiliation and the final crushing of our self-sufficiency. That's just not me talking. That's not my opinion. That's the way we learn. And Alcoholics Anonymous. It would be nice, and I know it would be nice, if it was all love, kisses, and romance, and we got everything we want, and we were just somehow beckoned into becoming nice people, but apparently with self-centered, egotistical, selfish, delusional people like us, being hit over the head with a two-by-four works a lot better. It just works better, you know? And it's probably not fair, you know what I mean? I will, if I die, God, before you do, I will tell God that you're upset about the whole thing, you know, if I'm lucky enough to get there, you know, I'll explain that to him, but apparently that's the way it works on the planet. You know, I want to be, you know, it says, what did Tom Cruise say in that picture? If you go, well, whoever, no, it was Jack Nicholson. He says, the truth, you can't handle the truth. It's the truth. That's how it works. That's why you're in AA. You're not in AA because people were nice to you. You're in AA because you got humiliated in the company. It was the worst thing that ever happened to you, Alcoholics Anonymous. And so what we ultimately learn is this, at least I learned in my life, and my life is the only life I know about, is that I go through life and I learn stuff. Some of the stuff I learned, which is the most important stuff, came while having to listen to stuff that made me, that made me uncomfortable, that disturbed me. I didn't want to hear it, you know? But you know something? Maybe that's the deal. Maybe that's why many are called but few are chosen. Maybe that's why only 1% to 2% of the people who come in here stay sober more than 20 years. Maybe it's because there's sort of like a friction. There are people that really want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, and there are people that they want what we have, but they just want to buy it on the cheap. So maybe it has something to do with really being willing to do the things, being willing to do things that you don't want to do, even though you hate doing them, or hate even hearing about them, because they mean giving up. They mean giving up other things. You know, I mean, when we come in, the first thing we give up is the booze. That's a little tough at first, but, you know, ultimately it gets easier. Then we give up, what, our friends? Isn't that what we give up next? Stay away from your friends, slippery places? Then you give up, like, the romance, the idea of the romance, and you give up a lot of stuff over a period of time. It's like you say, they take that, and then they take this, and then they take that resentment, which you're allowed to have, which you're justified in having. Then they take the fear. They take everything you got from you, everything that makes you warm and feel good, and your whole personality, they just strip it of you. No matter what you give them, it's just like one more thing you got to give up. One more thing you got to give up. It's almost like they want everything, and it's like a never-ending deal, you know? And it's sort of easy giving up the drink when you think you're going to die, isn't it? It's kind of tougher giving up the stuff when you feel like nothing can touch you. You know, like you're impervious to pain. You know, and you got money, and you got a car, and you got a job, and you got 20 years sober, and you're feeling good, and you're feeling comfortable. It's kind of tough to sort of move on that. You sort of want to rest on your laurels and relax and say, well, you do your program, Russell, and I'll do my program. So I want to read a couple of things, and then I want to get into the sixth step, which apparently has to do with separating the men from the boys, or I guess the girls from the women, or something like that. It has something to do with the great separation that happens in alcohol. Apparently. Apparently, there are people that sort of dabble in AA. They're sort of like AA dilettantes. They sort of get this thing, and they get the physical sobriety, and they hang around, and all that sort of stuff. And apparently, there are other people. The men, whoever the men are. I know how they define it. I know how they define it. They define it in the book, who the men are. They say it right here. Well, let's figure out what the definition is. This is the step that separates the men from the boys. It was a big deal for me, because I never thought I was a man. See, one of the fears I had is that they were going to find out the truth. That I had been faking it. I wasn't really sure what it meant to be a man. I thought for many years it had to do with getting laid. I think a lot of guys think that. That wasn't working out for me. And then I thought it had to do with, you know, getting into fights and stuff like that, and that wasn't working out for me. You know what I mean? And, you know, I thought it had to do with getting money, making money, and apparently that wasn't working out. You know, apparently it has nothing to do with what I thought it had to do with. You know, I didn't really know. I thought it had something to do with being like John Wayne, and, you know, John Wayne was probably a man, but John Wayne wasn't even John Wayne. He was an alky. You know what I mean? And I didn't know, and who do you go to to say, you know, how do I become a man? You think I'm going to go to a man to ask him that? You can pray out of that, you know. I'm going to man up. I am a man. You know what I mean? You know, and... You worry that, God forbid, somebody should find out you're not one, and here's what it says. This is the step that separates the men from the boys. So declares a well-loved clergyman, which is kind of unusual, because I'm spiritual, not religious. But apparently clergymen and religion were all over this thing. But, of course, what this thing really was is we begin to see where religious people are right. Right? We lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. You wouldn't know it from hanging around Alcox Anonymous because it's been so watered down, and it's lost its track so much that it's gone so far from the basic principles that if you hung around the fellowship, which is the basic principles, which is, by the way, a group of alcoholics of various degrees of sobriety that really don't want to do this shit anyway. They're trying to figure out how to stray from it. But somehow it works. I don't know how that works. But in any event, so declares a well-loved clergyman who happens to be one of A's greatest friends. He goes on to explain that any person, this is the definition of a man, any person capable of enough willingness and honesty to try repeatedly, step six, on all his faults, without any reservation whatsoever, here it is, has indeed come a long way spiritually and is therefore entitled to be called a man who is sincerely trying to grow in the image and likeness of his creator, which I guess could be a doorknob if you were created by a doorknob. But after being a student of the book Alcox Anonymous and Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers and the books they were reading that they found essential, like the book of James and Sermon on the Mount and 1 Corinthians 13, according to Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers the first four years, I've come to believe that they weren't talking about a doorknob or talking about a deity, which is probably why in the big book it says when we sincerely took such a position all sorts of remarkable things happened. Being all-powerful, he will give us everything we need if we stay close to him and perform his works right. Which is probably why they say at the end of the book and all through the book see to it that your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. Which is also probably why they say on page 29, further on, clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered. These are followed by 42 personal experiences. Each individual in the personal stories describes in his own language, from his own point of view, the way he established his relationship with God. Not the way he stopped drinking, not all, not all the problems he had, not all his bad breaks and thumb-sucking crybaby misunderstandings, how he established his relationship with God, which is also probably why they say job or no job, wife or no wife, no alcohol says he needs anything in order to recover, all he needs is to trust God and clean house, which is probably why they also say let no man say he needs his wife back or his family back. The only thing he needs is a relationship with God. It's probably why they say there is one who has all power, that one is God. May you find him now, which is probably why they say, you know, you can't manage your own life, no human power is going to give you this thing, but only God will and would if he were sought. It's probably why God's written all through this thing. That's probably why they say all this stuff, you know? They say you should burn it into the mind. God's probably like an important deal. What do you think? I think so. Probably why, that's why after you do all these steps, you wind up on the 11th step, where it says now that you have God, you need to have even a better relationship with God. You know, it's probably why, I know you go to the meetings and nobody wants to hear about God and they want you talking about God and everything like that, but you know, that's the great thing about having 31 years. I know they can't kick me out. You know what I mean? You think they can kick you out. You think some old schmuck in the back of the room that gets mad at you and you know, you sit around and say, oh, they won't like me or they're going to look at me funny. You worry about what other alcoholics, oh my God, maybe they'll get the committee and bar me from AA because I talk about God. I talk about God and I want them to like me and what a crummy way to live life. Don't talk about the new freedom and the new happiness. If all you're doing is trying to live life in such a way so that you meet somebody else's standards, oh, that's a kick. Meet some Alki standards. Some guy who's, you know, he's lucky if he shows up fully clothed in his right mind at a meeting, you know what I mean? You're worried about whether he'll like you or not. No wonder we got trouble in this place. Okay, let me read a couple things and then we're going to do this deal. I'm not even warmed up yet. I haven't even gotten to the good stuff. Okay, so let's go, okay? Okay. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we have not even dreamed. The great fact is this and just nothing less, that we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude towards life, towards our fellows and towards God's lit universe. The central fact of our lives today, the central fact, the central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we cannot do by ourselves which is exactly what they say in the promises. He is doing for us what we can't do for ourselves. He's doing that deal. So you got to get close to him. So then it goes on to say in the 12 and 12, this little ditty right here. Step one. This is all going to sort of tie in somehow, someway. It's going to be like Pulp Fiction. You better pay attention to it because I have no idea what I'm saying but you're going to have to connect the dots on this one. This makes no sense to me but hopefully by the time you went out you'll say, I think I know what he was talking about. Okay, page 24. Why all this insistence that every AA must hit bottom first? Now you're saying, what does hitting bottom have anything to do with step six? Well, you got to listen to this deal because it has everything to do with it. The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the AA program unless they have hit bottom. For practicing AA's remaining 11 steps means the adoption of attitudes and actions that almost no alcoholic who is still drinking can dream of taking. Now what did they just say? For practicing the remaining steps means an adoption of attitudes and actions that no alcoholic wants to take. Which means I'm going to talk to you about something that you don't want to talk about. You don't want to do by definition. So if while I'm talking about this you find yourself saying, well, I don't want to do that shit. Understand, you think that's your disease talking to you. That's why you're still sick. Now it feels like it's you because you're just chock full of this shit. You know what I mean? So you think you're talking to you but the part that's talking to you is the part that's going to keep you in everlasting bondage. It's the same part that says, oh, I like that gal. You know, the one who's using heroin over there. You know, I like that guy. The guy who's beating me. You know what I mean? Who's treating me like crap. You know, it's the same part that's been talking to you all your life to make stupid decisions about yourself and other people and you think it's your will and in a sense it is sort of like part of your will but it's not God's will for you. And you want to do what you want to do and our chief characteristic is defiance and you want to tell me I'm wrong, which is fine like all my sponsees. They ask me all these questions because I have all these problems and I tell them the answer and they explain to me I don't understand. So obviously I'm not that right. Why do they keep on asking me the questions? I don't know. I can't figure it out. So it says, so we start off in the first place by understanding that even though you all are here and I applaud you being here, I did the same thing to sort of maybe say, you're walking, this is what you do. It's sort of like a second step thing, like a hope thing. Maybe this guy. Maybe, you know, it's not really me anyway. You know, let's hope I never show up. I lived 30 years of my, I lived 31 years with myself, you know, before coming to Alcox and I was, I know exactly who, I know exactly what I am. The one thing I prayed for is that I never show up at an AA meeting when I'm talking. I want to leave myself in the parking lot. Anything that comes out of my mouth that's good and decent, has nothing to do with me, has to do with God's reflection in me. You know, that's what, and that's the same thing. That's the deal because I know who I really am and I'm not spiritual. There are some, there are some people in this room that are apparently spiritual, not religious. I'm not, there's not a, there's not a part of me that's spiritual. I'm selfish. I'm self-centered. I'm egotistical. I'm mean-spirited, okay? I'm not spiritual. To the extent that I focus on him and what he wants me to do and who he is, somehow I get transformed and I change into looking like the image and likeness of my creator, the way he looks in me. This is the way he looks in me. He may look a little bit different than everybody else, but somehow it's all the same deal and that's what this thing is all about so that you get transformed in his image and likeness so that you lose, I didn't want to lose my personality because he said I was in love with my personality and my sponsor said it's your personality and the way you are that's killing you, you know, I have to become his personality because his personality loves even the unlovable and his personality can do things that I could never do. So it says here, who wishes to be rigorously honest who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done who cares anything about a higher power let alone meditation and prayer who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A's message to the next sufferer though the average alcoholic self-centered in the extreme doesn't care for this prospect unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself. That's why you have problems with people who come in here prematurely. You know, in the old days in AA you couldn't come in unless you got down on your knees and gave your life to God. That's just the way it is. You can read it up on the book. You had to go up and do a surrender and you know, it kept a lot of people out. You know what I mean? But I'll tell you what, it was a real qualifier. I'll tell you what, before they even allow you in the meetings to give your life to Jesus, let me tell you something. Among a lot of people, I'll tell you one thing, you didn't have any problem with the third step. You didn't have any problem saying I don't like that stuff and I don't really, you know, they were all so like on the same page. No wonder they were rocketed. They were focused and it wasn't on drinking. Well, we're kinder and gentler today. You can come in when you're, you know, if you want, we have a room. You can come in whether you want it or whether you don't want it or whether you're court ordered or whether you give a crap or whether you're desperate or you're not, you just come on in. You're free to argue, disrupt the meeting, do whatever you want to do, say that's a bunch of crap. We just like to open it up. Whether it's good or bad, that's just the way it is but you don't want to know something? No matter what they do, no matter how they do it, no matter how they do it, no matter how big the funnel is they make, the program never changes. The fellowship may change, the demographics may change, we may have a thousand people in here and there may be only ten that are actually ready, desperate to ready, but the bottom line is it doesn't change the program. Just because the fellowship thinks we should throw it all away, it doesn't change the program of recovery. All the wishing and hoping won't change this from what it actually is. Thank God we got a book where it's all in writing. God only knows if we didn't have a book where this fellowship would be, you know, there'd be a lot more fistfights, I'll tell you that. Thank God we got something where people can actually read the English language and you just can't argue it. You may not like it but he's reading it, he's reading from the book which is why it pays to know the book. Probably the reason I get away with all the crap I get away with because most of it is just reading the book. Just reading straight from the book. Stuff from the book. And people say, man, I love when you said that. You mean when I read from the book? He says, yeah, but it's the way you said it. You mean I said it in such a way so you couldn't ignore it? You mean I said it in such a way so that I underlined it, put a spotlight on it and you couldn't ignore it so you heard it for the first time? You mean that kind of way? He says, yeah, well, that's just the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's the program, not what you're hearing in your room from that loud mouth who's, you know, saying God isn't important. That's the program. That's the real program. Under the lash of alcoholism we are driven to A and there we discover the fatal nature of our situation. Then and only then do we become as open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be. We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us. So listen, it's December of 1980 and I thought my life was over. You know, Envision for you, this is what they say, Envision for you. This is how they say Envision for you. Now and then, a serious drinker being dry at the moment says, I don't miss it at all, feel better, work better, having a better time, as ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such Sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly, he would give anything to take a half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Someday he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it, which is where I got to. Then he will know loneliness is few, which is where I got to. He will be at the jumping off place. He will wish for the end, which is where I got to in December of 1981. And some guy came on the TV. It was three o'clock in the morning and he was a televangelist. I got on my knees and I gave my life to Jesus, which may not be a big deal, but for a Jewish kid from New York it is. Now, that's just the truth, folks. That's just the truth. You've got to be real desperate. And I've got to tell you something. I was as sincere as a heart attack. I didn't know anything about eternal life or the Bible or anything like that. All I knew was there was a guy giving testimony and he said, I don't know where you're at, but this thing... And I was ready to do anything. And believe me, if you're a Jewish kid from New York, from Great Neck, Long Island, getting on your knees and giving your life to Jesus is about anything you can possibly imagine. And then I got up and I went to sleep and I went on my way and continued to drink. Ain't Jesus' fault. You know, it's just the deal. Until one day, some guy came to my bed in the hospital after I had a big accident and he said, and I looked at him and I said, I need help. I can't stop drinking. Probably the alcoholics and I got up in front of a group of people I didn't even know and I picked up a white chip and I walked from the back of the room and it was probably humiliating, but I was probably... And you want to know something? I was probably at that point at my humblest I'll ever be an alcoholics anonymous and I guess I've been fine to get back to that. You know, that's probably the... Because I was as sincere as you could possibly do and I got that chip. It's all been downhill from there in a sense, in just one sense. And here's the sense. And then, four weeks later, I was telling my sponsor that I didn't have to go to meetings on Thursdays because I had figured out I didn't want to get too crazy about this thing because I had stopped drinking and all of a sudden I had money, people, they were telling me, man, you look much better. I was feeling a little bit better. Maybe I sort of overreacted and all of a sudden I was negotiating with the deal. I mean, it's not that it was against AA. I mean, I love DA. I love this place, but you know, listen, I got a life. You know what I'm talking about? And you know, I mean, you know, the cheese and the guy that something that happened, but you know, I got a life and I'll listen to it and I'll go to the meetings, but you know, I don't have to go on Thursdays and he would say things like, yeah, as long as you never drank on Thursdays and of course I drank on Thursdays and that's when he started humiliating me. You got to get a sponsor in your life to at least humiliate you a little bit to keep you small and he'd say to me things like, you know as much about life as a dog knows about his father and stuff like that and I didn't even understand what the hell he was talking about and I'd have to analyze that and so Bill Wilson in Alcoholics Anonymous number three, I may take that extra 15 minutes tonight, but in any event, Bill Wilson in Alcoholics Anonymous number three, it's in your book, says, this is the following thing, okay, this is what he says, he says, let me see, Alcoholics Anonymous number three, Bill Dotson is out of the hospital and he says, and this is what happens, he's talking about, he says this on page 191, this is Bill Dotson talking, Alcoholics Anonymous number three, it would be hard to estimate how much AA has done for me, I really wanted the program and I wanted to go along with it, I noticed that others seem to have such a release, a happiness, a something I thought a person ought to have, he was talking about Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob, who came out of the Oxford group, you know, and at that time, all they were doing was studying the Bible, something that I thought a person ought to have, I was trying to find the answer, I knew there was even more, something I hadn't got and I remember one day, a week or two after I came out of the hospital, Bill was at my house talking to my wife and me, we were eating lunch and I was listening, I was listening, I was listening, trying to find out why they had this release that they seemed to have, Bill Wilson looked across at my wife and said to her, Henrietta, this is Bill Wilson talking, not even knowing the guy's listening, he's chopping on a tuna fish sandwich, he says, Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep talking about it and telling other people, pretty straightforward, simple sentence, Bill Dotson says the following, I thought, I think I have the answer, Bill was very, very grateful that he had been released from this terrible thing and he had given God, now listen, he had given God the credit for having done it and he's so grateful about it, he wants to tell other people about it, that sentence, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, he's curing me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep telling people about it, has been a sort of golden text for a programmer for me, it not only saved Bill Wilson, it saved this guy, that was the power of that thought, now you got that, that's Bill Wilson, Dr. Bob and the Good Old Times, this is a few months later, this is a few months later, same Bill Wilson, you know, did anybody know this, he was an alcoholic, you know, you know, listen, I love Bill Wilson, he's a great guy, you know, there's a lot of great people in the neighborhood, you want to know something, he ain't my higher power, he's an alcoholic, this is Bill Wilson, a few months later, page 159, you know, 159, of Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers, in the early days, she recalled, this is Henrietta Cyberling talking, Bill said to me, Henrietta, this is a different Henrietta, I don't think we should talk so much, about religion or God, this is the same guy, you know what happened, somebody in a meeting, sneaked at him, he only had a couple of years of sobriety, or a year of sobriety, whatever, somebody laughed at him, somebody said, what are you stupid, somebody, you know, he's an alcoholic just like you, he does the same thing you do, somebody laughs at you, you say, well, I'm going to throw that thing out, you know, I'm not going to let, you know, I drink, that's why alcoholics say, what do I, when they come out of treatment, they say, what do I say, if somebody asks me, would I have a drink, now you know it's going to kill you, what you should say is, get out of my face, I'm going to shoot you, or something like that, but, you know, my sponsor would say to me, my sponsor would say to me, listen to me Russell, this is what you say, no, thank you, I say, no thank you, no, no, you know, I got to, because I need a cover story, I need to be able, I am so worried, that you will think badly about me, that unless I tell you some sort of story, that you'll buy into, if you don't like me, or if you think badly about me, you know, I've got to tell you some sort of cover story, so God forbid you should feel badly about me, because I don't drink, because if you don't like me, if by not drinking you don't like me, I'm going to have to drink and kill myself, and destroy my family, because I would rather destroy myself, and destroy my family, than think of the possibility, that you might have a bad thought about me, this is a very serious disease, and that's the way I think sober, and that thought will leave you, maybe in about 30 years, that way of thinking leaves you, you know, that takes only about 30 years to go away, maybe 25, acting, doing, and being, and get involved in stuff with other people, not even know why you're doing it, and you don't even know in the back of your mind, you're more worried about what some banana thinks about you, and you don't even know that's alcoholism, and that's stone alcoholism, the drinking is but a symptom, you want to know what alcoholism is, it's that kind of crap, and that's what Bill Wilson had, somebody criticized him, and he was worried about it, and so all of a sudden the guy who was giving credit to God, which helped other people, and was talking that deal, because he was close to it, it hit box, was saying in the early days, she recalled, Bill said to me, Henrietta, I don't think we should talk so much about religion or God, I said to him, well we're not out to please alcoholics, they have been pleasing themselves all these years, apparently she had a set of whatever on her, you know what I mean, thank God for the women, well we're not out to please alcoholics, they've been pleasing themselves all these years, we're out to please God, and if you don't talk about what God does, and your faith, and your guidance, then you might as well be in the Rotary Club, or something like, because God is your only source of power, finally Bill agreed, by the way, that kind of stuff is going on in AA today, people say we shouldn't talk so much about God, and once in a while somebody shows up and says, what are you crazy, and there's more people saying we talk too much about God, than people are saying, you know, listen that's the only source, that's the deal, so in any event, now we have this book here, and now what happens, here's the problem, what happens once you give up the drinking, and your life starts getting better, and you've got three months, and you've got six months, and you've got nine months, and you've got all that sort of stuff, and all of a sudden you run into this step six, where it talks about getting up all, it talks about perfection, it talks about becoming righteous, right standing with God, it talks about giving up the envy, and talking about giving up the lust, and giving up the gluttony, and giving up the, you know, all the other stuff, the paggles, you know, the anger, the gluttony, the greed, the lust, you know, the sloth, giving up all that stuff, giving up the gossip, giving up the talking bad about it, giving up all the other stuff, that we dabble in, that we're doing, that we don't even think it's wrong, because it's our personality, it's just the way we are, and giving up and hanging out with those people, that do that stuff, what happens when you get to this thing, and it says, and it says, not that we're going to get perfect, but he says, it says here's step six, has indeed come a long way spiritually, and is therefore entitled to be called a man, who is sincerely trying to grow in the image and likeness of our creator, when all of a sudden, they're starting to sort of talk almost like it's church, churchy stuff, you know what I mean, now they want me to go to church, you know what I mean, and you got, and you got, and you got alcoholics out there, and all of a sudden, the gun is into their head, you know what I mean, and they're being told stuff that they don't want to hear, stuff that they would do in a second, if they thought they were going to die, just like I got down on my knees, gave my life to Jesus, you know what I mean, if they thought, but now all of a sudden, they don't think they're going to die, now they're feeling pretty good about themselves, and all of a sudden, they're negotiating about, and all of a sudden, well that's your program, it's not my program, all of a sudden, everybody's got a different program, all of a sudden, this stuff doesn't, you do it your way, and I'll do it my way, my way is like the, you know, it's the way that's comfortable to me, who says this program is supposed to be comfortable, maybe the program is supposed to be uncomfortable, maybe you're supposed to have a sponsor that makes things uncomfortable for you, maybe life is supposed to be uncomfortable for you, maybe the narrow road is the road that you take that's uncomfortable, doing, the tough stuff, that other people won't do, and maybe the people that go down the tube are the people that look for the easier, softer way, maybe because you're an alcoholic, you will always take the easier, softer way, because the bottom line is, you're either scared, or you're lazy, maybe you just want to feel good about yourself on the cheap, without sacrificing, maybe you're just a child, maybe you just want all the results, maybe you want what they have, but you're not willing to go to any length to get it, you know, it says rarely have I seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed a path, maybe you don't want to fail, and you want everything they got, but you don't want to follow their path, and you don't even like the people that are talking about following their path, maybe you're just a baby, maybe you're just a thumb-sucking crybaby, maybe you just want to settle, you know, that's what they say in the book, maybe that's who you just want to settle, for that kind of stuff, you know, that's what it says in the book, this is all about settling, this is all about willingness, this is about willingness, this isn't the kind of willingness that comes because there's a gun to your head, that's the crazy thing, it's easy to be willing when you think your life is over, how do you get that same kind of willingness and bring it to bear on this program to do things you don't want to do and hang around people you don't want to hang around with when you got money in the bank and you haven't had a drink in 10 years, you know, where does that willingness come from? It says right here, it says, no matter how far we have progressed, desires will always be found which oppose the grace of God, and some who feel they have done well may dispute this, because why? Because I'm doing well, I got a wife, I got kids, I got a car, you know, they talk about some of the little stuff, he says, it says this, it says, some people of course may conclude that they are indeed ready to have such defects taken from them, but even these people, if they construct a list of still milder defects, will be obliged to admit they prefer to hang on to some of them, well that's just my personality, stay out of my life, I'm doing fine, I just got a 20 year medallion, I just got a 25 year medallion, I got a 10 year, drinking is the farthest thing from my mind, therefore it seems plain that few of us, few of us, I don't think that means a lot of us, I think that means few of us, therefore it seems plain that few of us can quickly or easily become ready to aim at spiritual and moral perfection, what, you want me to be perfect? Yeah, I'd like you to be perfect, I don't think you'll ever be perfect, I know I won't ever be perfect, you know, if the one thing I know about myself is I go out there, I go out there, I go out there, I go out there, I go on as life goes on is how much farther I have to grow and how short I am from the mark and how much more I have to do, which is probably why I do the stuff I do, not that I'm perfect, I'm very imperfect, that's why I hang around with the guys I hang around with and go to the places I go and, you know, why I joined church after, you know, 15 years of sobriety, it says in the book, I don't know whether you know that, it encourages church membership, you know, you don't have to do, you can do whatever you want to do, it's encouraging, it encourages it, you know why? Because if you want more, more of this, even though we know they're all flakes in church and they're all idiots, you know, and all the good people hang out at the football games, we know that, you know, I understand that, but if you want more, where the hell are you going to go in this society except something like that, where people are actually trying to look to be more spiritual and looking for God? There ain't no other place except AA and church and AA doesn't even want to talk about God. So if you really want to get into God, you know what I mean, where else are you going to go except Bible study and all this stuff? You know, I don't know. We want to settle for only as much perfection as will get us by in life, according, of course, to our various sundry ideas that will get us by. So the difference between the boys and the men is the difference between striving for a self-determined objective and for the perfect objective, which is of God. Striving for, I'm okay, leave me alone, I'm perfectly satisfied with the way I am, and not striving for your own objective, but actually looking to see what does God want of me? What does God want me to be? Who is God and what does He want me to be? Which may actually mean going to other people, asking their opinion, humbling yourself before a sponsor that maybe knows more than you and says, what do you think? And he may tell you, I think you ought to do this, and he's going to tell you what? Things you don't want to hear. He's going to tell you to go where? To places you don't want to go to. He's going to tell you to do things. What kind of things? Things you don't want to do. And then you're going to do things you don't want to do. And then you're going to discover who the men are and who the boys are. And so when you're 20 years sober, and I sponsor them when they're 20 years, and when you're 25 years sober, and I sponsor them when they're 25 years sober, and you're 28 years sober, and you spend all night looking at pornography, and you have a crummy marriage, and your kids hate you, but you're picking up these medallions and Alcoholics Anonymous, and you don't understand why you feel so crappy about yourself, and everybody thinks you're sober because you are sober because it's all about not drinking. And after all, it's not about that rocket and fourth dimension crap. You know what I mean? Then you find out that nobody really gets away with anything. You know? And if you don't do this stuff, and you don't get what they got, and everything like that, it all comes out in the end that it ain't a dress rehearsal, that you can't skimp on this stuff, that somehow, someway, it may or may not come out in the drinking. And then you start looking around, and you see that there are people with 11, 12, 14 years, and all of a sudden they're sober, they may be doing the steps, and all of a sudden you find out they're popping pills. You know? And you don't even know how that happened, or when that happened. Next thing you know, they're drinking. Or there's all sorts of things. People's lives are falling apart. You know what I mean? You don't even know how that happened because you don't see it in any meetings. You know, you just see it with, you just hang around for 30, just hang around for 31 years. You don't really see it when you hang around for 2 or 3 or 5 or 10. Just hang around for 31 years, and watch what happens to the organization and the people in the organization. Watch them fall, by the way. Watch them laugh at people that talk about stuff like this. You know, watch what happens to them. And then watch and keep an eye on the guys that are doing the deal. And see what that's all about. You know? I don't know. Listen, I just talk about my, I'm just reading from, hey, I'm just reading from the book. Don't blame me. Write New York. Tell them to get rid of this stuff. You know all this stuff in there about God and all or nothing and perfection and all that stuff? It's all in there. You know? But it's not talked about in Amy's, is it? They don't talk about your creator being the centerpiece of your life and all that stuff in Amy's. They talk about things like, well, they talk about it in Amy's these days. You know, like frustration or anger or something like that. They talk about sort of like the problem sort of stuff that we deal with every day. So you can dump your vomit, your problems on the table. And then you go out and you feel a little bit better and you think, you know, you've actually done something. And you have done something because anytime you haven't drank, it's a big deal. If you're not talking, I believe that. I really do believe that. I want you to know I believe that deal. Don't anybody say, Russell's saying not drinking isn't important. Not drinking is like the ante in the poker game. It's the most important. You're not even in the stadium if you're not drinking. But I'll tell you one thing. We've got to go on. We've got to, because the person that doesn't, here's the problem. If you're in here only to not drink, you'll drink. That's the problem. That's what the whole book is about. If you're not, if you're in here only to not drink, and that's satisfying, and that's all you care about, the odds are you're going to drink or feel crappy about yourself. But if you're here to be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence, which you would not even dream to, experience much of heaven, to get all the things in your life that these guys got in their lives to get what they have, there's a whole other set of, there's a whole other set of surrenders and attitudes that you have to adopt and go through. And you know something? Here's the crazy thing. You're not going to figure this out on your own because my mind is what, my mind, got me into this deal. My mind is the mind that tells me I'm different. I'm an exception. It will, it will give me the most incredible. I can't tell you how much I believe me. I have so much, I have so much credibility with me. It's unbelievable. You know, my mind will tell me also, will lead me to places you can't, man, I get off I-95 at some exit. I'm out there. I don't even know how I got there. You know, it just seemed like a good idea to me. I ain't asking anybody for directions. You know what I mean? My wife says, why don't you pull over and ask somebody for directions? No, no, I got this. You know, that's the way I live life. I ain't asking any sponsor for their, and you know, the problem is, is that you got to do this with the help of others. And who you choose and you know, who you go, you know, the man you hang out with or the men you hang out with, the women you hang out with for the next five years and the books you read will determine where you're going to be. Where you're going to be, it's very simple. And the books you read are going to be dependent upon who you hang out with. So it all has to do with willingness. How people get it, I don't know. I happen to believe, and I'll just end with it, that's why I believe the God thing is so important. Because, and this, I don't know whether I'm even going to put this right, so I'll just sort of put it the way I put it. Left to my own devices, if I have no faith, if I don't believe in God, if I just believe it's how I manage my life, and if I get all the toys, and as long as I stay out of bankruptcy, and as long as I have a job, and as long as my wife is smiling at me, and as long as, you know, clothes look good on me, and as long as I play the life game, if I do that, let me tell you something, I ain't doing any of this stuff. I'm going to do just enough to get by so I don't get arrested. You know? And maybe, you know, get some people looking at me. You know what I mean? But if I actually have faith, as I develop faith in God, and I have faith today, you know, and hopefully get strong, and I do believe in God, I do believe I have a relationship with God, and I believe like Bill Wilson believed in the end, and hopefully continues to believe that who I am and what I am today, everything I owe, I give credit totally to him, then stuff I won't do for myself, stuff I won't do for myself, you understand what I'm saying? I'll do for him. I don't know if that makes any sense. I'll do it because I want, because I want to please him. Because I don't want to disappoint him. Because I believe that, you know, I'm his instrument. I want to do his work well. I want to stay close to him. I know in the back of my mind by staying close to him, he will give me a fantastic life because he has given me a fantastic life. But it's the motor that gives me the willingness to do the stuff that most people won't do. And it all hinges on faith. It all hinges on faith in God. Thank you very much.