“The Thinking Mind Throws a Party Every Night With Ego as the DJ” – Peter M.

My name is Peter. I'm a recovered alcoholic.
Hi, Peter.
And I'm grateful to be alive and sober and part of a sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I really do hope you can understand me.
I'm from New York, and we talk really fast.
And it's usually because someone's always chasing us, so we have to talk faster.
So I'll do my best to talk slower, or you can listen slower, if that would work.
But very grateful to be alive and sober and a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And first things first, thank my friend Carlos and the rest of you for inviting me here this weekend to share with you.
I got to see the city a little bit, and I hope to get back here.
It's absolutely breathtaking, really, really beautiful.
I'm prejudiced.
I think New York is the greatest thing in the world, and I get to travel, and I'm humbled all the time.
You guys are terrific.
When I get these invitations, I suit up and show up for fun and for free.
My life is one of invitation.
And what has happened, my experience has shown me, is that God, through group conscience, extends an invitation from your spirit to my spirit.
And we commence shoulder to shoulder upon a common journey.
And in that common journey, which is laid out in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 steps will take me to a vital spiritual experience.
We get to experience oneness, we get to experience a shared journey, we get to experience the power called God, and we commence shoulder to shoulder.
And even in places where they may not be talking about a solution to alcoholism or addiction, from the big book Alcoholics Anonymous, those of us who are on the path can still extend a hand and pull people ashore.
And if they don't want what we have to offer, that's okay.
We bless them and move on to the next house, and we stand at the door, which is what my life is about.
My life is one of invitation.
So I'm very grateful for this invitation.
My life is one of invitation, not only in Alcoholics Anonymous, but in all my affairs, in my homes, occupations, and affairs.
Simply put, I don't have a life.
Anytime I try to have a life or manage my life, I usually make a mess of it.
So God manages my life, drunk or sober.
I'm an alcoholic, cannot manage my own life.
God managed my life, and he set me on a path of one of invitation.
And I get invited to Alcoholics Anonymous.
I get invited to Alcoholics Anonymous functions.
I get invited to people who want me to sponsor them.
I get invited to their lives.
I get invited to friendships.
I get invited to family functions.
My life is one of invitation.
And with the life of invitation, what I found out experientially, I can talk to you about this,
fear, little by slowly, gets grinded into dust and goes away.
Because I'm no longer trying to fit into your life or get something that you have that I want, I wait.
I wait and wait.
When the invitation is extended, off I go.
For fun and for free.
And I go with God, and you bring God to me.
And it has kept me in a place away from ego, away from bondage, and stillness, and presence, and mindful of where I am.
My experience with the 12 steps from the big book Alcoholics Anonymous, and working with lots of other books along with Not Instead Of,
has brought me, really, to stillness.
Getting away from the voices in the head.
To being mindful of where I am.
And very present.
And not thinking about drinking alcohol.
Now, a lot of our contemporary AA meetings back home, maybe you have it here also,
the belief system is if you think about a drink, it's okay because you're alcoholic.
And that's true.
But if you're on a spiritual path and you've had a vital spiritual experience,
big book says the problem has been removed.
I haven't thought about drinking in many, many years.
That's called freedom of bondage.
It allows me to suit up and show up and be of maximum service to everyone.
Maximum service to anyone I'm around.
Whether it be in AA or other affairs.
So being very mindful and present where I am.
And again, not having those voices, that chatter that's always going on in the head, at you.
You know?
Like, let me ask you a question.
How many folks drove over here?
I'm doing this because I think you don't understand me.
This is really crazy.
How many drove?
How many folks drove over here in a car alone tonight?
Anyone?
Okay, great.
See, you're all lying to me right now.
I'll tell you why.
If you thought about it, you know, when we're driving in a car all alone or a home,
we think we're home alone and we close the doors, there's no one here, I can relax.
That's all a lie.
Because if you listen closely, there are a lot of other people talking to you in the car, right?
Or when you're sitting on your couch or you're trying to read the newspaper or something.
And it's the ex-wife, the ex-husband, the future husband, the future wife, the ex-mother-in-law, right?
The boss, the children, the people.
And they're all talking at you at once.
And none of it's good.
Then we have our own voice that says, you should be doing this.
You should be making more money.
You should have a better job.
You should be living in a nicer town.
And it goes on and on and on.
When you wake up in the morning, they're waiting at the foot of your bed saying, look at you, get up.
What's wrong with you?
Those voices are obsessive and compulsive.
And those are the same voices that will pretty up a junkyard and take me back to a drink again.
Well, wouldn't it be nice if you're constantly plagued with this obsessive and compulsive thinking that's constantly going on?
If we can say, you know what?
Through a vital spiritual experience and enhancing the spiritual experience that we get in 10, 11, and 12.
And working with others.
And being equal on all three sides of the triangle.
Where I can finally experience wholeness and oneness.
That those voices, little by slowly, go away.
Oh, they'll show up from time to time.
But most of my life is still.
So when I'm talking to you.
I'm talking to you.
Not 25 other people.
When I'm listening to you.
I'm listening to you.
And not what I have to say as soon as you're done.
But being very present.
The shoulders get lighter.
The blood pressure drops.
And everything gets okay.
It's called the sunlight of the spirit.
It's called, our book says, entering the world of the spirit.
This is a great place to be.
My word for this is called bliss.
This is a place where you get to experience the true oneness with this power called God.
With our creator.
Oneness.
Not separateness.
But oneness.
Many of the beliefs that we get.
I'm not going to change anyone here.
Is that I'm here and there's some power out there.
And perhaps that's true.
But the big book does say the great reality is deep down within.
Which means some person who's drinking on the Bowery in Manhattan tonight.
Or your Bowery here.
Wherever that might be.
Some person's getting drunk in a bar.
Has just as much God in them as I do here tonight.
There's just one difference.
I've had a current experience with it.
And he or she hasn't.
But I'm still connected to that drunk who's drinking.
And I'm still connected to you and you to me.
And all of God's creations.
It's all called oneness.
When I get to experience that.
And honor the spirit in you and you in me.
Suddenly life gets small.
Simple.
And easy.
And what does our book say?
God doesn't make too hard terms for those who seek him.
Very simple.
Most good ideas are simple.
The 12 steps is a very simple procedure.
What gets in the way is my thinking mind.
What gets in the way is the way.
Always looking for an angle.
Always looking for a way out.
Fourth step can't do that.
You'll get drunk.
Stay away from that thing.
Stay sick and miserable.
But don't go to that fourth step.
And that's what the solution is.
Exactly what makes us get.
Gets in the way of us.
Why?
Because of a thinking mind.
This predator.
Predator.
If anyone's here who's new tonight.
Anyone who's been around AA for years.
And is still experiencing untreated alcoholism.
Look at the thinking mind as your predator.
If you saw a predator on your property.
You would call the police.
But with us.
Because it's my mind.
It must be good.
So I'll listen to it.
Way to go.
And the solutions we have today.
Become tomorrow's problems.
Why am I going to listen to the same mind.
That wants me dead.
Will settle for me drunk.
And then we put down the drink.
And then it starts some other new drama.
Some other new things.
All leading me back.
Away from this power.
If you will.
Not in a literal sense.
But in a figurative sense.
Move me away.
And then back to.
You know what?
A drink looks like a good idea.
And I don't even know when that day is going to show up.
Because I'm alcoholic.
And I have no power choice control over that.
That's what the thinking mind does.
It also takes me on these sprees.
In untreated alcoholism.
When we're in AA.
Because I'm going to AA meetings.
And I'm not drinking.
And I raise my hand.
I give my date count.
I celebrate an AA birthday.
One year.
Five years.
Ten years.
Thirty years.
Whatever it might be.
But my private life doesn't reflect.
What you just saw.
From the podium.
Or from the floor.
Because I'm experiencing untreated alcoholism.
And alcoholism will go underground.
And resurface in other areas.
They're called sex sprees.
And food sprees.
And money sprees.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
And alcohol.
this power called God, of our own understanding, whatever it might be. He, she, it, power,
source, I don't care. We get to experience this power through the 12 steps. And then
something happens to us. We become one with this power. We have the vital spiritual experience
and perceptions about everything have changed. The great fact on page 25 talks about this.
We've had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized my whole attitude
toward life, my fellows in God's universe. Everything I see is now with God's eyes.
Everything I hear is now with God's ears. And my words are coming from spirit rather
than this predator, because that's been silenced. Isn't it interesting in the big book Alcoholics
Anonymous that it isn't until we get to the 11th step that it says, when my thinking is
cleared of wrong motives, my thought life is placed on a much higher plane. Okay, now
we can listen to the mind.
It's God-inspired. They wait for us to get to the 11th step before we even entertain
anything the mind has to say. Interesting. Why? Because the power of it. Where the illness
has free room and board. His ego up there, he lives in one room. Fear lives in another
room. Lust is in another room. Greed is in another room. And they party every night.
They all get together and say, how are we going to wreck this guy's life? Right? And
I listen. God, no, I can't deal with God. God's too extreme.
Give me some greed. That'll work. Let me obsess on something. Let me get into more
pain, more anguish. I like that. God, I'll wait for God. I'll wait for the 12 steps.
And that's a lot of us. A lot of us experience that in our first few tries in Alcoholics
Anonymous and sometimes our early years in Alcoholics Anonymous. So that very long explanation
and description to share with you the reason why I work with a life of spiritual discipline.
Working with steps 10 and 11. My current life has been this way for a while of working
with prayer and meditation three times a day. Middle of the day is a religious practice
that I work with. And then I go into sacred sounds. I write nightly review at night and
I have a sponsor who has a sponsor and I share my inventory with them. I sponsor about 10
men. I'm accountable to a handful besides my sponsor. I work with others. I attend AA
meetings and I locate myself in the triangle. And when I'm not in the triangle, I'm in the
triangle. And when I'm not in the triangle, I'm in the triangle. And when I'm not in the
triangle, I'm in the triangle. And when I'm not in the triangle, I'm in the triangle.
And when I'm not in the triangle, I'm in the triangle. And when I'm not in the triangle,
I'm living equally in all three sides of the triangle. Again, I'm part of that whole one.
No beginning and no end complete. I know what it's like living outside of that. I know what
it's like living without that. And my first six months in Alcoholics Anonymous was just
going to meetings. Thinking meetings were going to be the solution. Meetings were the
remedy for this illness. And if I'm depending upon meetings and meetings only and I'm a
real alcoholic, it's actually a liability.
Because I'm depending on a human power. And no human power can relieve me of my alcoholism.
Now, I love meetings. I get to meetings. Carlos and I were talking about this. I came to get.
I stay to give. This is my life. I don't have a life. You guys show me how to live. God
shows me how to live. But I'm at meetings. But they don't keep me sober. God couldn't
would if he was sought. In the fellowship, I find a program. And in that program, I give
it away in service. And suddenly, my life is made new. I didn't know that during my
first six months, I was going to AA meetings, going to AA meetings, two meetings a day,
three meetings a day. The heck with AA. I don't want to go. It's not working. I don't
like the way I'm feeling. Got attached to my feelings. Got to feel good all the time.
Sorting money, food, sex, woman. Got to feel good. That bottomed out on me. Meetings not
working. And almost six months to the day after my first day of sobriety in 1988, I
bottomed out completely and realized meetings are not working. What am I missing?
It was the solution. It was God, given to me right through the 12 steps. And I haven't
looked back since. God separated me from alcohol on June 23, 1988. I'm a recovered alcoholic.
And I say recovered because anything less than that would be falsely humble. I don't
want to be a recovering alcoholic. I experienced being a recovering alcoholic in my first six
months of Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you're familiar with the business, it's called Alcoholics
Anonymous. And if you're familiar with the business, it's called Alcoholics Anonymous.
And if you're familiar with the business, it's called Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you're
familiar with the business, it's called Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you're familiar with the business, it's called Alcoholics Anonymous.
And if you're familiar with the business, it's called Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you're었다
on page 52, that's recovering. I'm not drinking, but you don't want to break bread with me,
you don't want to have dinner with me. You don't even probably want to hang out with
me, because I'm a lunatic. Monday I'm waking up. I love her. I love you.
World is great. I love my life. I love my job. I love everyone. And Tuesday, I want
to get rid of her, get rid of my job. I hate AA. I'm really depressed. And I don't know
why. And then, Wednesday is kind of steady and Thursday I'm euphoric. And Friday I'm
depressed. And And. And and. And I'm depressed.
and I'm a prey to misery and depression.
And I'm reaching out there looking for external conditions
to be a remedy for this internal illness called alcoholism,
and it just isn't.
And I'm reaching, I'm trying to, you know, find my way.
It does not work.
What's wrong with me?
I'm going to AA.
My Lord, what's wrong with me?
Don't want to live like that.
It's a start, and anyone who's just starting out in AA
is usually starting out as a recovering person.
Recovering with the symptoms.
We still experience the cycles and the symptoms of the illness.
Recovered is all of that's gone.
I'm not cured.
Sometimes we say recovered, people hear cured.
I'm not cured, but recovered.
For not only a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body,
but all the isms that accompany alcoholism.
Listen, I got locked up and put in a jail cell a whole bunch of times,
and while I was in a jail cell waiting to see a judge,
I wasn't drinking.
You didn't want me to sponsor you, though.
With me?
So recovered is a different place.
It's the sunlight of the spirit, and I can't will that upon myself.
I can't give that to you.
I can give you instructions on how to get there.
Now, very often what we'll hear is,
recovered, stay away from those people.
That big book, stay away from those people.
You don't need the steps.
Stay away from those people.
And what that says,
simply is this contempt prior to investigation,
because anyone who's been recovered,
has experienced being recovered,
has gone through the book,
is looking to give it away,
and join me on this glorious path,
and get to really understand the sacredness of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I say sacred, by the way, because it is.
We see lives get reborn and resurrected in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I'll lay odds from here to Vegas that most of us who are real alcoholics
are not supposed to be sitting here tonight.
Probably on a drunk, maybe in some jail, or, God forbid, worse, dead.
But we're sitting here, kind of mixing up downstairs, having some coffee,
hear lots of people laughing, some people talking to each other,
with dignity and respect.
How did that happen?
Right?
You know what that room would look like if we were all using it.
The cops would really be here, you know.
The spiritual life.
The spiritual life makes no sense.
It doesn't, because the mind wants to wrap itself around spirituality.
It cannot do it.
The mind wants to wrap itself around love,
which is, for me, a synonym for a spiritual path anyway.
How do you explain spirituality?
All love, no opposite.
How do you explain God?
All love, no opposite.
The mind needs to wrap its arms around that.
It can't do it.
It frustrates the mind.
The 12 steps frustrate the mind and the illness.
It wants no part of it.
That's why the big book is not aimed at the mind.
It's aimed right at spirit.
Wake it up, and we get a new mind.
Recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
To tell you in a general way what it was like, what happened,
and how I be today, what I'm like today, what I'm doing today.
I grew up in New York, obviously,
and a town called Brooklyn, New York.
And my first drink came when I was 18.
I was about 14 years old.
Like a lot of us, I've heard the stories over the years.
It seems like 14 things happen besides puberty.
We've become like fall in love with drink and other substances,
and many of us don't return.
But at 14 years old, there was a church that was having,
I don't know if you have them, you know, like feasts and bazaars,
and they celebrate and they raise money.
And my friends were drinking beer.
It was Colt 45 beer.
It was a Saturday night.
And up until that point,
I was,
you know, fear-based and insecure.
I had the voices constantly going about what a terrible person I was.
I can never measure up to anyone.
You know, I tried hanging out with musicians and I didn't get it.
I tried hanging out with athletes because I was a musician and athlete and just not that.
Tried hanging out with tough guys, couldn't do it.
Tried talking to girls, screwed up every time.
And so here I was.
I just, what do I do?
Six months, almost six months prior
to my very first drunk at 14 years old,
my mom was alcoholic.
I know some of you guys have heard this story before from the CDs,
but I grew up with a mom who was alcoholic,
addicted to Valium, Valium pills.
And back in the 60s, that was mother's little helper.
I mean, that was it.
And so she was doing this stuff to cope.
You know, can't cope, here's a Valium.
Can't cope, have a drink and a Valium, works even better.
And but mom was alcoholic.
She had no power choice control.
And when she was going to drink and how much she drank and what I would do is growing up
as a little guy would watch these episodes, these drunken episodes.
It was a great lady.
My world revolved around mom.
Like most little boys do mom's mom's mom's everything.
But I also had this other piece.
There was this other part of her that I would have to hide liquor from my dad.
I would have to hide the pills from my dad.
I have to clean my mom up a little, prepare little dinners for my two younger brothers
and do things like that.
You would expect an adult.
To be doing.
And I was doing that at a young, young age, about six months prior to my first drunk.
My mom, after several attempts at suicide, finally succeeded.
She experienced terror, frustration, bewilderment, and despair too many times.
Incomprehensible demoralization, like many of us experience on the way into Alcoholics Anonymous.
But hers was so great that dying looks like a good way to go.
And I've been in that position.
Well, I want to die.
I can't do it anymore.
I just want.
I'm out.
And that's what she did.
And I never forget that morning because I woke up in fear, in terror.
If you've ever been frozen in fear at any time in your life, well, you know everything that's going on, but you cannot move.
And I remember being in the bunk bed and my younger brother up above me and my baby brother in the corner.
And the three of us were just staring at each other.
And me being the older brother used to come to the rescue, couldn't move.
And I heard my dad and my grandparents call 911 and mom died.
And this is what I remember them saying.
This is what happened.
You know, right?
Well, the first time I walked into a funeral service was this.
And the first thing that voice in the head told me was not this mom.
Let's go pay our respects and thank her for she gave you was this.
It's your fault.
You should never hit the pills.
That's what I got.
First thing I walk with that for a long time.
Now at 14 to be walking with this kind of burden.
That's not fair.
That's what the voices in my head do.
So about six months later, my friends are passing around beer,
and my dad, who's a very strong, tough man, gave me many warnings about not drinking.
And I didn't until this one night.
And my hand went in, and I grabbed a quart of beer, and I went down,
and then nothing happened to me at all.
But I continued to drink that night, and then something happened to me
that was really indescribably wonderful.
It's the best way I can experience this.
That first drunk, it's euphoric.
You get warm all over.
Your eyes light up.
The girls get really pretty.
I got tougher.
All the girls wanted to be with me in the worst way.
I was the best-looking guy in the town by the end of the night.
This was a good thing.
I got to be about 6'4", 2'2".
I had muscles.
I mean, I was, you know, I had arrived.
The other piece was the pain.
The pain of losing my mom was removed.
The fear that I had of my dad, removed.
Just me being in my own skin, removed.
I was part of life at last.
As Bill says, I had arrived.
What a good deal.
Cold 45 beer takes me from where I am out there great.
I was present to the moment.
It was a tremendous experience.
I will share with you that alcohol worked on my alcoholism for many years.
We pour alcohol on alcoholism.
You know, what we tend to do in AA is treat the body or the tip of the iceberg.
How are you doing?
Didn't drink.
Great.
You're a winner.
How are you doing?
I didn't drink.
Great.
Way to go.
And that's all we do.
It's great.
You're not drinking, but we need to go underneath the water.
Look at the rest of the iceberg.
It's a mess.
It's huge.
But we just treat the body.
And what we do with that, this ease and discomfort that's below the surface.
Our book uses the word roots a few times.
It's because it's underneath.
You can't see the body.
You can't see the roots.
It's all boiling.
We need to pour booze on that just to deal with getting up and going to work if we're
able to work.
Just getting into the shower, you need a drink, let alone speaking with other people.
It was an impossible task.
Alcohol allowed me to do that.
Didn't know it's going to turn in its flight like a boomerang, as Bill says, and leave
me at death's door in 1988.
Who knew that?
So this first drunk I get, it's euphoric.
It's incredible.
It's a wonderful experience.
And the next morning when I woke up, I went down to play basketball with the older guys.
And when I walked into the park, my shoulders felt like they were out to here.
You know, walked into the park, tough guy.
I drank the night before.
Everything was great.
I had a story because they would come in from the night before playing basketball and talking
about all the things I went to, who was going to nightclubs and all that.
They had something.
And now I can say I had something.
Underneath all of that, though, was I had a solution, a panacea for my bedevilments.
It was called beer.
And I can deal with the rest of the week because I can drink beer, capture that elusive, get
to that place out there that's indescribably wonderful, and I can settle all of this.
And I can get through, you know, Monday through Friday.
I can get through any day knowing at the end of that road I'm going to drink, it's all
going to be okay.
I'm going to drink.
And it's kind of like, I'm back.
And when we're not drinking, we look like we need a drink.
Alcohol worked.
There were no consequences the first time I got loaded either.
I got up the next morning, went to play ball, went to school, went about my business, and
the following Friday rolled around, the following Saturday rolled around, the Sunday rolled
around.
I was getting loaded.
I love what it did for me.
I love the effect produced by alcohol.
And I had the brainstorm one day, why wait till Friday when we can go on Wednesday, right?
And then I start to experience some consequences of my drinking.
Now Bill says in his story how there were many unhappy scenes in his sumptuous apartment.
Okay.
There were many unhappy scenes in my home.
My family moved from Brooklyn out to a suburb, a borough called Staten Island, New York,
which was maybe a 40-minute drive from Brooklyn.
And there was starting to have some consequences of my drinking back in Brooklyn, but they
really escalated by the time we moved to Staten Island, and I was about 17 or 18 years old.
And the beginning of this journey to hell, it was my younger brothers who felt safe around
me, even idolized me.
I was the big brother.
We protect the family.
I looked out for my brothers like I was taught to do, and they always felt safe around me.
But as drinking assumed more serious proportions and alcoholism was doing what alcoholism does,
they weren't feeling so safe around me.
Then they'd become embarrassed of me.
Then they were wondering why I would come home and curse a lot, got ugly drunk.
I would curse a lot.
A lot of venom would come out of me about this guy called God that mom told me he's
great and he took her.
I got this guy called dad.
I can't even be in the same room with him.
I hate my life.
I get all these voices.
You know, why do I need all of this?
And my younger brothers would get this.
Well, by the time we moved to Staten Island, that was in full swing and the consequences
got worse because now I had a driver's license and I was driving and not coming home other
than to shower, pick up some money, do a couple of things, kind of show up.
And my dad would get a hold of me and read me the riot act as to what I was doing with
my life.
It was under some somewhat of control until my dad caught me stealing from me.
Now, remember that was painful and I'd never really felt like it and it was voluntarily
worth it.
It was the truth.
In my day-to-day world, I have been iterate a little month, you know, I have other things
to work on.
I need God, we grow people, and I was anderer, and I was that guy.
I was that tramp who's in gotta be in tension now.
I wanted to be will to change my word.
So I would lie down when he came to me, I'd say, these silly things, these stupid things,
my God won't change my word thing.
I would kind of laugh at him, but I was here to show him all these stupid things, all these
stupid things to be fucking right with me I don't lie to myself.
And so now like a good Alky, I needed money all the time and I didn't have any all the
one day in a in a china closet and i forged his name and we'll go down to the local stores everyone
knew my dad they give me money off the check and i buy beer i go to liquor store buy liquor and i
had a great little thing running but then all those checks come back and my dad had a checking
statement i didn't even know these things existed and he saw my name for his name forged on a lot
of checks for a lot of money my dad came looking for me and he found me and i didn't forget i
was sitting in a car with a girl it was an alcoholic relationship i met her about two
o'clock that morning we were both drunk i was in love why not remember when you're drinking guys
you know this one when you're drinking and you're drunk and she looks just like beau derrick right
and when you come to in the morning she looks like beau diddly and you wonder how you got into that
right so my dad drove up i was in lower manhattan he jumped out of the car his
deportment shouted he was a very angry man
he ran across the street screamed my name and i ran out of the car i said listen honey you talk
to him i'm going and i ran away but he caught me and i went to my first treatment center
alcoholism won't for a moment
give me a seed of compassion for other people it can't because it might stop drinking i might
have a moment of clarity alcoholism won't give me a seed of understanding of love
for others oh it'll pass you know i really shouldn't be doing this i'm really going to
hurt them my children are missing me got a drink so when my dad would show up time after time after
time while my family would find out about me being locked up in jail i have to come bail me out
not once did my did my mind say hey listen let's take stock of your life you're hurting people
let's go to rehab go to aaa and get sober and heal it says don't worry about that they can take care
of yourself themselves go get grown if you don't stand up to his whip do what he says go first man
apparently not he doesn't put himself on the bed he sits on the eyebrows sometimes they'll do like degrees
right of way and someone tells you what was a 12-year old like you got washed up in your bed that's two weeks or something
drunk and I obey that every time so my dad sends me to my first treatment
center and back when I was going to treatment in the States we had insurance
companies that would pay for you it was great like having a American Express
gold card go treatment go 28 days was the cure date not 27 you weren't ready
29 you awake you had 28 was a day you're good because that's when they stopped
paying so go home so they would send me to treatment for 28 days and I detox and
off I go now the first time I went to treatment and the second time in the
third and fourth and fifth time I went to treatment it was to get to get off
the streets to get away from my dad and when I came home after 28 days I had
that girlfriend meet me at the door as honey I'm coming home like I did some
really awful prison sentence somewhere and I was in a really fancy town in Long
Island New York
beautiful
beautiful town beautiful Hospital beautiful gymnasium and I treated it
like I was with heart and criminals for 28 days I just honey I'm coming home
bring a jug and I have to go to a a never went to a a but I got the jug the
liquor went down phenomenon craving was right back see alcoholism doesn't give
me power choice to control I don't get when we come to a a I have a choice
today whether I'm gonna drink or not well if you have choice now in a how come
didn't have it out there did you suddenly invent it is there a magic
formula to get choice and a a because if I'm a hard drink er I have choice if I'm
a moderate drinker I have choice if I'm a real alcoholic has described in a big
book that was gone a long time ago probably never ever had it because if I
did soon as I saw my family suffering or myself suffering and would say you know
what put the plug in the jug I'm done I don't do this anymore burn your hand on
the hot stove burning hand on an iron every time you iron or cookie real carefully about
what you do but alcohol we go let's try it one more time right no power choice
to control that's what I suffer from so there's even what a seed of compassion
which never happened I had to obey the call to go drink don't know what that
day is gonna look like anyone's a real alcohol knows about this mental
obsession that the mind will take us back to that which is killing us I have
to obey it I'm compelled to listen to it and I'm compelled to drink once I pick
up a drink because I have this thing called a phenomenon of craving more is
the drink not two or three not one to take the edge off now most people out
there have spiritual malady and they drink to kind of like as a social
lubricant we drink to try to enjoy and control take care of the spiritual
malady feed the mental obsession now I got a phenomenal craving can't control
and enjoy
mental obsession phenomenon called craving spiritual malady that's what
separates me from those moderate and hard drinkers so I went about my
business after 28 days in treatment and I wound up back in my second treatment
center and quickly quickly progression was doing what progression does I was
experienced already being like a chronic alcoholic I get out of treatment get
drunk and the bottoms got low quick and the times of treatment got closer and
closer together
I had a lot lots of different jobs and and my dad got me working with him on
what they called the waterfront which the shipping industry hot
blue-collar industry this is not the training ground for Spiritual Growth
working with man like this I work with men do a fed up with the day at sunrise
and there I was I went to work and I quickly learned that it was okay to
drink on the job and be around these folks in so I would drink and be an
Psychologist by Dr. Mitchell Smith
alcoholic, I couldn't stop. And so we would get paid on Wednesday mornings, way back when,
we'd get paid on Wednesday morning, get our check. And lunchtime, everyone would go cash
them, right? And so I'd go cash it, but I'd cash it in a liquor store. They would cash
my check, and I had to buy a jug. Well, this is good. Get the money, buy a jug, and I'll
stick around because I'm going to need another, and I never made it back to work. And my dad
would send out search parties looking for me. I'd come to work Monday looking for overtime.
So the progression was starting to affect a lot of other people. Now, I bring this up
with my dad often, and my family, and my brothers, for this reason. Very often in Alcoholics
Anonymous, I'll hear this. I don't know if you have it out here, but I certainly get
it back home. All I have to do today is not drink, and I'm a winner. I didn't drink, and
I'm a winner. Not drinking is amends. No, it is not. And I don't mean to ruffle
things. I don't mean to ruffle things. I don't mean to ruffle things. I don't mean
to ruffle things. I don't mean to ruffle things. I don't mean to ruffle things. I don't
mean to ruffle things. I don't mean to ruffle things. I don't mean to ruffle things.
But just indulge me for a minute. Let's go ask mom and dad, husband and wifey, and the
kids, and the boss, and the co-workers, if you just not drink it, if me just not drinking
pays the bill, fixes the harms that I caused, you know, makes the scars go away, and heals
the wounds. Probably not. They're happy we're not drinking. My family was suffering from
full-blown alcoholism when I was separated from alcohol June 23, 1988, and none of my
family's alcoholic.
Except for my mom, who's gone.
Family afterwards says years of living with alcoholic will make any wife or child neurotic.
The whole family, to some extent, is ill.
So I can never get to an AA meeting and say, all I have to do is not drink.
I'm a winner, great, let's have a party.
I clap for me, you clap for you, great.
And wifey and the husband and the kids are wondering what blew up in our living room.
And now that they're sober, they're not home anyway.
And we're left holding the bag.
What we get to do in Alcoholics Anonymous, what we get to do is get great power in Alcoholics Anonymous.
We're no longer powers.
God takes the drink problem.
That's not an issue.
We've been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected.
The problem's been removed.
We get great power to go work with others, to touch the lives of others in AA,
and to touch the lives of people outside of Alcoholics Anonymous.
We get to heal.
See, go into a drunk's house on a 12-step call and pull them out.
We go get Carlos.
Pull him out.
The wife is a wreck.
The parents are a wreck.
The dog and the cat don't even want to deal with him.
The children are scared to death.
The house looks drunk.
It looks like an alcoholic lives there.
Then we pull Carlos on board with us, and we start working him two to 12 steps.
Go back to Carlos' house 90 days from now, six months from now.
The house looks different.
The spirit of the house is different.
The wife isn't going to work or tending to the chores with fear.
The kids are smiling again.
They're not going to school with this dark cloud hanging over them.
And the dog and the cat love Carlos again, right?
The house looks good.
What happened?
The spirit awakened others.
We get to heal people.
Times that by a couple of hundred.
A couple of hundred thousand, hmm?
Ever go to an AA convention?
You can feel the spirit in there.
Imagine if we were all spiritually fit and took those things into our homes, occupations, and affairs.
What a neat thing.
What a neat place to live.
It's called the power of God.
And each time I get to go through the 12 steps, I experience a new dimension of existence I never even can comprehend.
It's called God.
Operating on God consciousness than rather operating on human consciousness, which is fear-based, insecure.
I've got to get you before you get me.
Come and smile.
Say, hi, how are you?
I'm great.
I'm spiritual.
And underneath, don't cut me off on the road because I'm going to track you down.
All right?
So I got this job.
And in a second, I got a job.
And in a short time, I was back in my second treatment center.
And I made my third treatment center.
And as I said earlier, I made my fourth treatment center.
And I made my fifth treatment center.
And somewhere in there, I got addicted to some dry goods, non-conference-approved powders, along with my drinking.
And they took me to bottoms.
And I wasn't the guy.
I was one of those guys who liked to go fast.
I was one of those guys who liked to go as far down as possible.
And I fell in love with Jack Daniels.
We had a great relationship for many years.
If Jack Daniels was a woman, I would have probably married him.
All right?
I remember one morning coming to you in a hotel vomiting blood.
And the young lady I was with said, what you need is something that's easy on the throat.
Drink brandy.
I said, okay, that sounds good.
All right?
So I fell in love with Mr. Boston Blackberry Brandy.
All right?
But somewhere in there, I got addicted to stuff that would push me down even further.
And that person was me.
And that became so torturous, I had to get away from that.
But as I was sharing with Carlos as he was showing me around town, alcohol was my master.
I could not get away from it.
And I experimented with tons and tons of other things.
Alcohol was my master.
I could not get away from Mr. Boston Blackberry Brandy, Bacardi, Jack Daniels, battery acid, whatever went down.
I don't care.
But I had to drink.
I was compelled to drink.
No matter what you put in front of me that was the most important thing, love of children, parents, job, reputation, money, I pushed it aside because drink called and I had to go.
And then the allergy took over and all bets were off.
It was done.
All right?
Well, I went into my fifth treatment center and my dad, quite frankly, if it wasn't for the courage, strength, and direction that God gave my dad, you would have a different speaker here tonight.
All right?
God works through people but isn't only people in AA.
It's all oneness.
We just happen to be here.
God sat with St. Peter one day and says, what happened?
Where did we screw up?
We got these alcoholics.
Who took a coffee break without telling me?
All right?
He said, I got to invent something.
Let's invent AA so they can get well.
So after my fifth, going into my fifth treatment center, my dad decided to get me a little furnished apartment in Brooklyn.
He said, you know what?
I'm going to go to the hospital.
I'm going to go to the hospital.
I'm going to go to the hospital.
I'm going to go to the hospital.
I'm going to go to the hospital.
I'm going to go to the hospital.
I'm going to go to the hospital.
And he got me this apartment, paid my first month's rent, bought me some clothes, bought me a color TV, got all the things I should be doing on my own, right?
And what I did with this place was bring, like, the Bowery in there.
I had all kinds of strange characters calling my name at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning.
I didn't know what to do.
I had blackberry brandy bottles all over the place, people coming in and out.
And who lived upstairs with me was this landlord who was working, going to school at night, had a wife, little girl.
She was pregnant.
They were trying to make a life for them until they rented their place to me, right?
And I had, like, this mess going on all the time, this Bowery-looking place.
It looked like a mission.
And after not paying rent for a while and almost burning the place down,
I was kicked out.
And let me just describe to you the depths of despair alcoholism takes me to.
And I try working with not only the spiritual principles, not only to keep spiritually fit,
but knowing now that not to even entertain despair.
Because it's an extreme form of self.
It's all about me.
And pride and ego are right at the gates of despair,
allowing me to even ask you for help to pull me out of despair.
It's an extreme form of self.
Back then, that's where I was.
And I lived in this place in a state of depression that was beyond what you could imagine.
I was quickly becoming institutionalized.
My apartment had garbage all over the floor, soiled clothes, soiled bed,
no comforter and a mattress and all those.
There was a sheet and nice pillowcases.
It was just a place that I passed out in with cigarette holes in the mattress.
I stopped bathing.
That wasn't important to me.
Drinking was and getting money to drink was.
And it looked like you would expect an alcoholic who should be homeless by now living.
And I got bounced out of there.
I got kicked out of this place.
And I went to live on the streets for a while and I was homeless.
And I would panhandle lower Manhattan and do a lot of earthy, ugly things
at the price of a drink.
But it was the drink I know I was going to get.
And I need the drink.
And I can't go without a drink because I know I'm going to get ill.
And I'm getting ill now.
So whatever it is, panhandle, steal, whatever I need to do, get some money, get a jug,
let it go down and stop.
Until I got to that place, and some of us have experienced this,
where I'm not getting drunk anymore and I'm not getting sober.
I'm in this limbo place and all I am is sick all the time.
And my body is deteriorating on me.
If I lived to be 100, I'll never be as old as today.
I walked into AA June 23, 1988.
Lord have mercy.
I was in serious trouble.
But there I was, panhandling.
Got bounced out of this place.
And I would do a lot of the things you would expect.
And I was walking with this impending doom all the time as well.
Why me, why me, why me all the time?
Hating my family, hating God, hating everyone.
I had one mission, go into a liquor store, give me a jug, off I go.
And the rest was getting money to get the next job.
I got into my sixth treatment center.
I don't know how until this day I got in there.
But my sixth treatment center consisted of a day and a half in treatment.
Literally, one and a half days.
And I signed myself out, detoxing still.
And counsel sat about as far as I am from you, three of them, and said,
Don't leave.
You're going to drink and you're going to die.
Now there was a thread of me that knew they were right on point.
But the alcoholic mind and the body vibrating said,
Later for this, got to go, got to drink, I need to drink.
Because the only thing I'm going to experience ease and comfort from is from a drink.
Not sitting in group, not the 12 steps.
Don't even want to deal with this power called God.
Just give me a drink. That is my God.
Give me a drink to settle me down.
Then I'll come back.
So I signed myself out and off I went.
And I went right back to the same vicious cycle.
And that's where the trap doors have trap doors.
And they have another trap door.
And the bottom is when we die.
When we finally don't drink anymore.
But getting to that place is humiliation and degradation all the time.
And so I hit the streets and lost contact with my family.
And was doing, like I said, living the life of a Bowery bum.
How I'm standing here tonight is truly by God.
The spiritual life makes no sense.
Based on my track record,
some of the overdoses,
some of the beatings I took,
and just some of the environment I was in,
like I'm sure many of us were,
I should not be sitting here with a new suit on
speaking to you about recovery from alcoholism.
And based on my track record,
you shouldn't listen to a word I say.
But doctor's opinion says something about that.
Like you may rely on anything they say about themselves.
A lot of us go right past that in doctor's opinion.
You may rely absolutely on anything we say about ourselves.
What?
I was in Midtown Manhattan one day,
and I'd love to share this story because I'm hoping in this sharing
it'll come back to me as to how I got to Midtown Manhattan.
Very busy area.
We have a famous port authority where buses come in from all over the country,
drop people off, take them off,
and it's a seedy part of town.
It's cleaned up a lot since,
but at the time it was just seedy.
And there I was,
and I don't know how I got there,
whether I came out of a blackout or not,
but there I was,
I'll tell you,
it was 9th Avenue and 40th Street.
And there I am.
What am I doing here?
And I had this moment of clarity.
Now I know we all get,
the real Alkies,
even our Al-Anons,
get this moment of clarity where we're struck sober and it stops.
This can't go on anymore.
God takes stock of our life for us
because we don't have the power to do that.
And in that moment of clarity,
what I thought of was my entire life,
was as if it passed before me.
I thought of my dad,
lost contact with him,
my younger brothers lost contact with them,
my mom who died,
everything.
And I knew what I was,
I was a drunk and I'm going to die.
And I cursed God in that moment for taking me to that place.
It's your fault.
Pointing to the heavens,
it's your fault,
with lots of ugly language,
cursing God.
And I was convinced,
and I was convinced God was a trickster,
God was no good,
God was mean,
God was evil,
the hell with God,
just give me a drink.
And he got,
or she got,
or it got all of it.
But my Heavenly Father doesn't care about that.
Because He's not a human power.
Because if I curse you once,
two,
three times,
you're shutting me down.
You curse me three,
four times,
I'm shutting you down.
God doesn't make too hard terms.
The ground was getting fertile.
And He let me be.
Because the journey was set for me like for you.
And circumstances at the bottom allow me to see,
here it is.
The same thing I've been pushing away
is of everything I need to grab onto
for salvation.
But alcohols will not allow me to see that.
A book says,
when we concede to our innermost self,
this is the first step in recovery.
That concession is detailed.
That concession is deep down within.
That's an awakening right there.
That's a God job,
not a self job.
That is brought to us.
And that tension in this season,
this comfort in that moment of clarity,
is really the surface of spiritual truth.
So I went about my business,
and I was laid up in this hallway.
Back of an abandoned building.
Lower east side of Manhattan.
Roach and rat infested.
It was awful.
Winos and junkies,
but there I was.
And it was over.
I couldn't do it anymore.
And I begged,
if you're out there,
whatever you are,
please take me from this.
My Heavenly Father,
our God,
my God,
your God,
whatever you want to call it,
doesn't need a decorative palace
to go show up to
to get one of his children.
He'll go to the most seediest spot,
the most sordid spot in town,
or a decorative palace.
Is the intent pure?
Is this a sincere plea?
Father,
I don't need anything.
Just save me.
Show me a way.
We all know,
if we've been there,
exactly what I'm talking about.
We're not thinking
I'm going to go to AA
so I can be a circuit speaker.
I'm going to go to AA
to sponsor people.
I want to get into the steps.
It's like,
for me,
I wasn't even thinking about
Alcoholics Anonymous.
That was the furthest thought
from my mind.
It was like this,
God, I don't want to die.
That was it.
And the path opened up.
I remember getting something.
Enough.
I have other work for you to do.
And I thought I was really loony
because now I'm hearing voices.
I don't know what to do.
Enough?
I have other work?
What?
I've really,
I'm in trouble.
I know what those voices are.
What they meant,
I should say.
Because my life's journey
has been made really clear.
My purpose in life
has been really clear.
It's a handful of years.
I'm very abundantly clear
what my purpose is.
Those voices have come
to fruition
and manifested in my life.
But here it was.
And so in this moment
of degradation,
I get one clear thought is
call my dad once again.
And I go to a public phone
and I had no money
and I had clothes with holes
and blood stain
and ripped boots
and I look like a bum
and I'm walking to a pay phone
and I had a crying,
these crying jacks.
Just hang up the phone,
try to call my dad.
Just call him,
collect,
hang up the phone.
The seed of compassion
that alcoholism
will not allow us to have,
the spiritual journey,
the spiritual experience
is already beginning.
Because I kept thinking
on about the fourth
or fifth phone call,
I cannot call my dad.
Because if my dad
was to come see his oldest son
in this condition
would truly,
at this point,
break his heart.
I can't do it.
I can't inflict
any more pain on him.
Compassion.
Where did that come from?
God.
Prior to that
is I don't care,
just give me.
I don't care about
how you're feeling.
I don't care
how you're going to react to this.
I don't care how you internalize this
or process this.
I don't care.
Give me.
Now it wasn't about me.
In the worst moment of my life
when I needed someone to give me.
Compassion.
That's what we do
in Alcoholics Anonymous.
We get down
to where the drunk is
when they're walking in the door,
when we stand at the door
and we get down
where they are
and have a seed of compassion
that's free and willing
to give away.
We don't have to think
about being compassionate.
We are compassionate.
We don't have to think
about bringing love.
We are love.
We don't have to think
about being tolerant.
We are tolerant.
It's who we be now.
The conversion has happened.
I had a moment of compassion.
Many of us think
and it's true for many of us
that the spiritual experience,
the spiritual awakening begins
when I sit with the sponsor
and start going through the 12 steps.
Well, that's a guarantee.
But really the mustard seed
that's going to move the mountain,
the mustard seed
of willingness
that's going to move the mountain
where the spiritual experience
gets ignited
can be in the very worst moment
of our life
where we go,
I'm done.
Because we go out of our mind
for the first time,
many of us,
and into the spirit
where there's no more resistance
but true surrender
and willing to do anything.
We don't know
what it's going to look like,
where we're going to go,
how it's going to be,
but there's a conversion.
We're out of the mind
which is always fighting back,
always resisting
and here.
Okay.
Whatever.
I don't care.
Just fix me.
I was given a seed of compassion.
Now my dad,
I couldn't reach him.
I didn't call him.
My dad was about
four hour drive away from me
in a very famous area.
It's called Atlantic City,
New Jersey.
And he was gambling
with his wife.
And they're having
a weekend down there
or whatever,
their little vacation.
And while my dad was gambling
and having dinner with his wife
and doing all the things
that couples like to do
and have some fun,
he gets this moment,
this intuitive moment
where he's like,
oh,
I'm going to go
to this moment,
this intuitive thought
where he tells his wife,
my dad shared this story with me
at my first birthday,
that I was in trouble
and he needed to leave
to go find me.
Spiritual life makes no sense.
How does this happen?
His wife thought
a lunacy commission
should be appointed for him.
And off he went.
Took her home
and went through the streets,
driving,
looking for me.
And he found me.
God connected the dots.
But his deportment shouted,
this time,
he was a man of compassion
and willing to help.
Not like the first time
when he caught me
stealing his checks.
And he walked across the street.
I'll never forget this.
And as he walked across the street,
he called my name
like any father
would call his son
who was,
you know,
lost.
You know,
not angered at my son.
He called my name Peter.
And as he walked across the street,
I remember telling him,
dad,
I'm okay.
Got a little out of hand.
And I collapsed.
I was about 100,
well,
about 50 pounds less than I weigh now.
I'm getting fat as I get older.
So each year,
the weight goes higher and higher.
It's about 50 pounds less than I weigh now.
And I was bleeding from places
I shouldn't be bleeding from.
And my gums were a mess.
And my eyes were black and sunken.
And I looked the part.
My diet consisted of,
you know,
a couple of sugar cubes
and a couple of Twinkies,
you know,
anything.
Well, I wouldn't eat
because drinking money
is drinking money,
not food money.
So I didn't eat.
Right?
And so I collapsed in his arms.
And I remember my dad holding on to me
and patting me on the back.
It was the first time
I experienced that with this man.
And in the most sordid moment
in both our lives,
our roots were already grasping new soil.
See,
it was a new journey for both of us.
In the worst moment,
it felt awful.
It was horrible.
How could it be for a parent
looking at his oldest son
disintegrating in front of him
and can't stop it?
Can't stop it.
Most loved ones want to get it.
I'll fix it.
I'll turn the screw the right way.
I'll be more loving.
I'll be more assertive.
Whatever.
I'll stop it.
Can't stop it.
And me knowing
I can't stop it.
Neither can he.
I'm in trouble.
The only thing I know to do
is take me to another treatment center.
And off I went.
Not knowing that was it.
When I begged God for help
in that hallway
and the rescuer was my dad.
He used my dad as an instrument.
They come in different forms.
An employer,
a police officer,
an A.A. member,
a children,
a children,
whoever it might be.
God doesn't care about that stuff.
Just what's ever going to snap us up
and say,
okay, I'm ready.
And he knew God was,
my dad was the instrument.
And off I went to my seventh
and God willing last treatment center.
And after being in there
about ten days,
the insidious insanity
of the first drink
was galloping back.
Bill talks about that
in the Mayflower Hotel.
Pacing back and forth.
Drink.
In the bar.
Make a phone call.
What do I do?
Pretty woman.
Music.
I don't know.
Work with a drunk.
Pretty woman.
You know,
back and forth.
Here I am in this treatment center
going,
I need to get out of here.
I need a drink
because I'm vibrating again.
By the grace of God
that didn't happen.
I was sent off to Minnesota.
And I went to six weeks
of treatment out there.
Horrific detox.
And after six weeks of treatment
they sent me to something
called the halfway house.
And then they called it
a three-quarter house
and a sober house.
And I was telling,
the first caller asked me
a great question.
What was it like at the beginning?
What were your worst times?
And the most uncertainty
and emotionally draining times
were those early days
because I didn't know
what was going on.
I had no idea.
Couldn't go home.
No job.
No money.
I'm in treatment again.
I'm in a sober house again
with 30, 40 other men.
Where am I going?
But I was staying sober.
I was relying on meetings.
And I bottomed out
December 22, 1988.
Didn't pick up a drink,
thank the good Lord.
But that bottom
in AA brought me back
to seeking help
from a teacher
who was in the big book
Alcoholics Anonymous.
Because there was a meeting
out there called
the Three Legacies Meeting.
And people got to this meeting
dressed like I am tonight.
Women got dressed
like you are tonight.
Not like they're going
to go commit a felony
as soon as the meeting's over.
They gave AA its respect.
And they talked about
living in all three sides
of the Triangle
and the 12 steps.
And I wanted what
they had to offer.
And after being out there
about 10 months
I was brought home
to my first home group.
And I slept
on my brother's couch.
He took me in.
I'm the older brother.
Our youngest brother.
He was working
and at the time
he was just starting out
in the acting field.
And he was paying his way.
And he had me sleep
on his couch.
And he'd go away
for weekends with his girlfriend
so he could take the main room.
And then he got
another apartment
and I followed him along.
Staying sober,
going to meetings.
Started working
with a sponsor
through the steps.
And he gave me
a little spot
in his room
and in his apartment
and there I was.
He was the older brother now.
And I went back to work
and I was able
to muster up enough money
to get my first apartment.
My first A.A. sober apartment.
And I walked in
and I'll never forget this.
There was nothing.
There were no shades
on the windows.
There was no telephone
turned on yet.
There was no coffee pot.
There was no TV.
Someone in A.A.
gave me a sleeping bag.
And I went out
and in A.A.
we have these,
you know you buy
the A.A. bumper stickers.
You ever see those things?
I had a bunch of those.
I put them on my door.
I had my big book.
I had a,
I had,
I'm a Catholic
so I had something
that represented
something,
my God.
Put it on the door.
I got into my sleeping bag
that night
with my big book,
my bumper stickers
and God.
Hit my knees
and prayed.
I was in paradise.
I was in paradise.
I was sober.
I was going
through the steps.
I had a great sponsor.
People know me
in A.A.
I was holding
my head up
on my knees
and praying.
My shoulders
were squared
for the first time
in my life.
I had nothing.
One day my dad
knocked on the door
and he brought me
this whole set
of like cups
and sauces
and the whole thing
in a box,
you know.
And then I got
a coffee pot.
And a woman in A.A.
gave me a TV
and when that broke
someone else
gave me another TV
and then I started
to save some more money
and I had a rug
and I bought my own TV
and I bought my own bed
and I was sleeping
on one of these
little futon
kind of things,
I think I hit like,
you know,
the lottery or something.
Things were happening.
I was sober
and spiritually fit.
Went back,
made amends
to my family
and watched my family
start to heal
and reconcile
and take responsibility
for the actions
of my past.
Be accountable
for the actions
of my past
and live this message
in my home,
occupations,
and affairs.
And here's the neat thing,
I didn't have to,
we don't have to remember
to do that.
So when we first come in A.A.
we want to be like
I want to be spiritual,
I want to be loving,
I want to be kind.
I have to remember
to do that stuff.
But the spiritual conversion
is now it's who we be.
Peace,
love,
understanding,
care,
compassion.
It's who we be now.
I don't need to remember
to do that
unless I'm around my in-laws
and I always have to remember
to do that, right?
Little joke.
It's who we be now.
The conversion has happened.
And I wasn't thinking
about drinking anymore
or doing anything else
but how to serve.
I was thinking about
living on page 62
to living on page 63.
How neat is that?
My meditation life
has given me
life changing experiences
a few times.
And perhaps we'll get into
talking about that tomorrow.
But the power of meditation
and going into sacred silence
to hear
and going dark to see
and giving attention
to this power
and honoring this power
and worshiping this power
and being alone
and just listening
and letting it take me
where it needs to take me.
Experiencing more presence
which will determine
the next moment I live in.
Each new moment
is a brand new moment
that I've never experienced before.
Like this one is.
And this one is.
And this one is.
And the power of meditation
allows me to get centered with that
and put everything aside
and get still with my God
and he, it, she,
whatever you call it
has given me answers
to riddles in my life
have reconciled many, many things
through allowing me to take action.
And to close the circle
around our triangle.
I've used that for life.
No beginning.
No end.
Just is.
Connected.
There's no breaks in it.
Most of us, if you're like me,
go through life
with these circles that are broken.
And the breaks in the circles
are the resentments,
are the unresolved relationships,
the unreconciled relationships,
all the fears,
all the things that are haunting me
from the then,
from the past,
all the things I'm worried about
in the future.
And we have this broken circle
wondering how come
I don't feel together?
How come I don't feel complete?
How come I'm not coming at you
from my withinness
rather than coming at you
from other things?
Why ain't I writing?
I'm searching, I'm searching,
I'm searching.
Gobbling up all kinds of books
looking for something
to get me right.
Simply through the 12 steps,
the power of the 12 steps
as the foundation.
Because as I move through that work,
it takes me.
God takes me.
And we get to a place
called the 9th step.
And little by slowly
I start to resolve those things.
I start to reconcile.
I start to show up
and make right
for the harms I've caused
and the gaps get closer and closer
and finally the circle is complete.
And one day,
I come to and say,
I'm back.
I feel together.
I'm whole.
And it's not looking for happiness.
It's just looking
for just an inner peace
that I'm working with.
Not looking for outer riches
and experience inner poverty,
but just right with everything
and okayness within.
I have been recovered.
Now who can I give it to?
Who can I pass this on to
in my homes, occupations and affairs?
Starting with Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I stand at the door
and I wait.
I don't have a life.
My life belongs to God
and Alcoholics Anonymous.
That's all I got.
Peace.
Good day.
Good night.
Good night.
Good day.
Good day!
Can we get.
Can we get 이제
Good morning.
Good morning buenas
vu
Y разные
Because even if whatever
It's just a strange
nurturing
ection
week
My Joey
bavin
ka
me
ji
an
ak
I我覺得
I feel right