The Steady State of Sobriety Remains the Same Whether the Bank Account Is Full or Empty – Russell S.

My name is Russell S.. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a member of the Carl Gables Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a privilege to be here. It's always good for me to be at an AA meeting or at any meeting of people that are, who want more from a spiritual level. And I will tell you this after, I haven't found it necessary to have a drink since January 25th, 1981. So after a few years doing this deal, I'm 62 years of age. I came in when I was 31 years of age. Been married for about 30 years, 30, 31. I'm not sure of the exact amount. My wife's not going to listen to this, so I'm safe. Four kids, six grandkids, and that's enough of my deal. Self-supporting most of the time through my own contributions. And I'm just going to share a little bit about my experience with this deal. And after 31 years, I found, I used to, when I first came in, I'm just going to share with you a little bit about my life and how it pertains to the second step, or maybe you'll hear the third step. What you hear is going to be basically, have to do with what's going on inside of you. I've been to enough AA meetings. I've done this long enough and spoken enough times to know that I can't tell you how many times, after meetings, people have come up to me and told me, you know, after an hour meeting, and there's nothing wrong with this, they'll talk about something I said that impressed them, and 50% of the time they get it right. But it doesn't matter. That's what they heard. They heard what they needed to hear, and everybody seems to hear different things depending upon what they need and what that piece is that's missing, and none of it comes from me anyway. If we're lucky, if I'm lucky, the only thing I pray about is that I don't show up at the meeting, because I'll probably do a lousy job. I'll just be sitting here trying to impress people or trying to figure out what I'm going to say, and so I really try to leave it into the Lord's hands and, you know, let Him reflect His presence in my life, because I'd like to think He's the centerpiece of my life most of the time, except when I get distracted by worldly clamors, which we all do from time to time. And when He's reflected in my life, I generally come off pretty good, and people think it's actually me. But of course, they don't really know me, because in order to know me, who I am, you'd have to know, you'd have to know, you'd have to be hanging around me before I came into AA, and if you hang around me, if you hung around me before I came into AA, and you saw how I treated people before I came into AA, and saw the things I was interested in before I came into AA, and you then hung around me 30 years later, you'd know who I am, and you'd also know who He is. You'd have a better idea who He is. And I'd like to think you'd probably like Him better than you'd like me. But it's a real gift to be sober, you know? Not only physically sober, it's a gift to be spiritually sober and emotionally sober. So what I like to talk about most of the time is what Bill Wilson referred to as the next frontier, and that's emotional sobriety. So that's mostly what we're going to talk about. And, you know, if we're going to talk about that, we're going to talk about God, what it has to do with me. Now, we have a lot of people, we pretty much have alcoholics here. You know, this isn't exactly Well People's Anonymous. And not pertaining to you, because I can tell you guys are a cut above and much sharper than most people. Most alcoholics, you know, and very intellectual and everything. But, you know, it says the chief characteristic of alcoholics are defiant. So even at your best, I would assume if we have a bunch of alcoholics, we'd probably have some people buried down deep inside. There's a little defiance. So, you know, there may be even some skepticism, some guy in the back row saying, who the hell is this guy, you know? And so, you know, so I understand that. You don't have to worry. Whatever I'm going to say is going to be basically my opinions based on my experience and what I've seen here for about 31 years. And based on that, you know, I'm going to talk about God. Based upon my own sobriety and what's happened with me and based upon what I've seen with other people. One of the benefits of being sober for a long period of time is you not only see how this thing plays out over many years, how the disease plays out if it's treated over many years and how the disease pans out if it's not treated over many years, you see how it pans out in yourself and you see how it pans out in other people. And it is remarkable that. It is remarkable that individuals can stay physically sober, can, for whatever reason, because of obstinance or because of stubbornness or because of closed-mindedness or because of defiance or because of all these things that really have to do with alcoholism, which really centers in the mind, not the body, or because of selfishness, how individuals can decide that they're going to work certain parts of the program, but they're just not going to give in or surrender to other parts of the program and it may be usually it's the God stuff. You know, I'm just not going to go that far. Yeah. You know, and how they can hold their lives together and accumulate wealth and accumulate even relationships and seem to have a life and even not drink for maybe 10 years and 20 years or something like that. But it's amazing how if you stay sober of a long period of time, 20 or 30 years, and you watch what's going on, you actually see the separation. You actually see there is a difference. There is a difference. There is a separation, like they talk about in the sixth step with somebody that completely gives in and surrenders all their intellect, everything to him. You know what it says? What does it say in the third step? It says, what's the line they use right after we do that third step? You know, it says, after every meeting, it says the A, Bs and Cs are that we're alcoholics and we can't manage our own lives, which is pretty tough business when you're dealing with people that spend their whole time trying to control everything in the world around them and other people and trying to manage their lives so they'll never get hurt and never because they're so scared, and that there's no human power could have relieved their alcoholism, and we sit around trying to find him, her, or it that's going to fix our alcoholism. And then it says, God could and would if he were sought. Only God could and would. It says, selfishness is the main problem that's driven by 100 forms of selfishness, self-centeredness. You know, fear, we step on the toes of others, they retaliate, though we're an extreme example of self-over and right, though the alcoholic usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we must get rid of self. We must get rid of it, or it kills us and then says, God makes that possible. There is one who has all power, that one is God, may you find him now. And then at the end of the A, Bs and Cs that we read all the time, it says, being convinced we are now at step three. And I know we're at step two tonight, but there's going to be a point here at the end, you know, being convinced we are now at step three. And at the end of step three, it says something like this, if I could find it, it says 63, but good, close. It's in the 60s, thanks, any help I can get it, I appreciate it. It says, here's what it says, it says, we thought well before taking this step, making sure we were ready that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to him. And I love that word utterly, it's like, it's not like halfway, it's not half measures, it's like, give him the whole deal, give him the whole deal. And then I read on page 29, what am I supposed to talk about here, and it says right here, it says, further on. And it's going to be in the next section, I'm going, I'm going to get another one from you. It says, true. And I believe what I said, again, I'm going to read the question, there's a few things that I'm going to talk about after this. The first thing is that though I realize while you were reading the question, you had already said that you're not going to finish the chapter, you're not going to finish the chapter, you're not going to finish the chapter, I'm going to try to write the chapter where I tell you that I've written the chapter. So I'm going to give you a good example here, and I'm just going to give you the basic context here. And it says here, in the beginning, the question tree is a tree which is a tree of a amount of trees and not any tree. Why? I look at a book where it says working with others, and it says burn the idea into the alcohol. Job or no job, wife or no wife, he can get sober. Anything can happen, you know, as long as he trusts God and clean house. Let no man say he can't get sober unless he gets his wife back or business back or anything. The whole thing depends upon his relationship with God. So if I'm going to talk about my experience for 31 years, and I'm going to be honest with you, and I prefer to be honest with you because to be dishonest with you, it's more difficult to talk because I'd have to make up stuff. You know what I mean? But if I'm honest with you, I don't need notes because I can just tell you what's actually happened to me, okay? So if I'm going to be honest with you and I'm going to do my job and I'm going to do what I'm going to say this thing tells me to do, chances are I'm going to hurt somebody's feelings. Chances are somebody's going to get pissed off. You know something? I'm going to do it anyway because one of the benefits of staying sober for 31 years is you pay less attention to worrying about what other people think about you. And that's a great gift. It's a great gift when you consider that I spent my entire life worrying about what other people thought about me and feeling maybe guilty or sad or upset because of what I said or what I didn't say or what's going to happen and played all those mind games with people living in my mind. And you know what it says in the book with people like us? It says the actions of people, real or imagined, fancy to real, can be imagined, have the power to absolutely kill us. And when you live a life like that, you've got to drink because men and women drink because they like the effect, used by alcohol. They drink because they can't stand being sober because to be sober is painful. They are restless, irritable, discontented unless they can again experience a sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. And that's why I drank. There's no amount of money, no suit, no car, no woman, no nothing ever worked quite as well for me as just a few drinks. So that's why I drank. I drank because it chased away the alcoholism. The alcoholism happened to me when I wasn't drinking. When I was drunk. When I was drinking, I didn't have alcoholism. I had something called drunk, which can happen to even non-alcoholics. Drunk looks like drunk, you know. And I guess they think that's alcoholism because, you know, when you see a guy drunk all the time, you say, well, he's an alcoholic. But, you know, people don't realize what non-alcoholics don't realize is that when you take away the booze, they're still alcoholic. And now they're really suffering from alcoholism, but they don't see it because it sounds more like I'll get them. They don't know who they're dealing with. It sounds more like carrying resentments. Feeling sorry for yourself and stuff like that. And, you know, they can't arrest you for driving while feeling sorry for yourself. So you can actually maintain a life of, you know, a miserable sort of life, never quite getting the gold ring and never quite feeling fulfilled and always being lonely, living lives of quiet desperation and never understand what the deal is. But they'll give you a medallion here because it's all about not drinking. Don't drink even if your ass falls off. And I'm more interested in the stuff in this book, having to do with experience much of heaven and being rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence of which you would not even dream. The stuff they promise when they say if you do the 12th step, the theme is the joy of living, of having a joyous living. You know, I was talking to my friend on the way up here, and we were talking about money, which, you know, it's not so important. It's just like right up there with oxygen. But like second to oxygen, you know. But one of the things I was saying to him is I said, you know, one of the things, you know, I remember talking to Ray O'Keefe once about when I was going to be, what was it, financially, what's the thing, lose fear of financial insecurity. When was I going to be financially secure? And he said, never. He says, you'll never be. He says, no, no. He says, the book says, one of the promises, I'm going to be financially secure. He says, no, it doesn't say that. He said, it says it. It says I'll be financially secure. He says, Russ, it doesn't say that. He says, wait a minute. He says, take open the book. So I opened up the book, and I read it. He says, he says, fear of people and of financial insecurity will leave you. He says, you're never going to be financially secure. You'll just lose the, you're always going to be broke. It just won't bother you. I said, well, thanks. I feel a lot better now. But one of the things I pointed out to him, we were talking about finances and business, and, you know, people are going through difficult times now, homes being foreclosed, people on the ward and stuff. One of the things I pointed out is that for many years now, one of the things I've noticed that has happened to me with, because of the transformation that happens to you if you actually follow the directions and are willing to submit yourself to what this program is about, which is about a relationship with God, is that things of this world become less and less important to me. And I'm more focused on the things that aren't in this world, which basically was what was said in the Sermon on the Mount. You know, put your treasures not in things that rust and things that the government can take away, or somebody can take away in a divorce or something like that. Put in things that nobody can ever take away from you. And what I find, is that, you know what I find? It's an amazing thing that, you know, if I have a lot of money in the bank, I'm a certain way. And if I don't have a lot of money in the bank, I'm a certain way. And the longer I'm sober, the certain way I am is pretty much the same. It doesn't make any difference. If I've got a new car, I'm like this. If I've got an old car, I'm like this. If I've got money in the bank, I'm like this. And it never used to be that way. Because my eyes were always focused on the things that Bill Wilson talks about, the worldly clamors. That's how I measured myself. That's how I measured other people. That's how I decided how well I was doing, always comparing my insides with other people's outsides and things like that. But I'm sort of like, in a way, sort of like, this is what happens when you start rolling. I want to roll you some, I want to read you some things. The bottom line is, is the question you're going to have to ask yourself when you get into the second step and the third step is what do you win this thing for? What do you want? I mean, if what you want is to say, stay physically sober, you know, hopefully for a while, and, you know, put in 14 years and get your old life back, you know what I mean? And feel the way you felt when you were doing that deal and holding down a job and getting all the things out there in this world that we all think we need in order to make ourselves happy and, you know, you'll get the guy, you'll get the gal, or you'll get the car, you get, you know, all that stuff that they're advertising on the billboards out there that are telling you that if you have this, you'll be okay. All that stuff, you see in the movies that they say, well, if you have this, you'll be okay. All that stuff you see on TV, if that's what you want, you want to chase that stuff like you've been chasing it for, you know, I mean, you guys don't look like spring chickens to me, you know what I mean? You know, the height of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. How long have you been chasing that crap? How's it been working out for you? I mean, when do you, wait, what is it, like around 90 years old? They're about to plant you. You say, you know, I think I could have done this thing differently. You know, maybe that guy Russell was right. I thought he was a jerk. But, you know, I mean, this could be it. I don't think this is a dress rehearsal. I think this is the deal, you know? And so what I'm saying is how many years, how many decades do you have to chase the crap and not be fulfilled in any way whatsoever and always be thirsty and hungry and knowing you're missing something before you realize I'm missing something. I'm on the wrong, I'm on the wrong path here. You know, they talk about the narrow way and the broad highway and many find the broad highway, but few find the narrow path. You know, and, you know, when do you get to the point? But the question is, what do you want? I mean, that's always been the question. If you want what we have and you're willing to go any length, then you're ready. What did they have? Was it just mere sobriety? If you think mere sobriety, if you think that's what alcohol synonymous is all about, if you think it's just about mere sobriety, 14 years, 20 years, 25 years, somebody says, how are you doing? Just hanging in there, you know, one day at a time. If you think that's what it's about, and that's all you want, and you don't want anything else other than that, and you pat yourself on the back for that, then, then somebody like me, I'm going to piss you off. Because you're going to think I'm saying you're doing it wrong. I'm not saying you're doing it wrong. I'm saying you're getting exactly what you want. You're getting exactly what you desire, and you'll never get anything more than that. Because that's what you're in the game for. That's what you want. And the question is, is if you want more than that, if you're reading the second book, we talked about the second book last week, I'm not going to go into it again. If you're talking about the second, not the book that you see here, you see this book, the big book, if you're talking about the book that talks about how not to drink, the not drinking club, the not drinking book, if you're talking about that, and that's what you're in this for, then that is exactly what you get, and that's what you'll have at 10 years, at 20 years, at 30 years, with various degrees of maybe a little bit of a bit of an emotional and psychological thing, but that's all you're going to get. But if you want to experience much of heaven and be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence of which you have not even dreamed, if you want the promises working for you on a full-time basis, if you want, if you want what they're talking, the real stuff they're talking about in here, then there's another book in here. And that other book is not about drinking or not drinking, it's about God. It's all about God, all they talk about is God, and it's all about building a relation with God. And you'll actually look at the steps and you'll notice that this has something to do with not only committing yourself to God, but clearing away the wreckage of everything that's in front of you so you can get a better relation with God, and then finally getting to the 11th step where it's all about Him, and turn everything over to Him, and you'll read the book and you'll say, this book is all about God, that's all it's about. How come in the A means they're saying, we don't want to hear about that? Well, they're saying that because it's Alcoholics Anonymous, it's not Well People's Anonymous. Thank God we got a book. Can you imagine if we didn't have this book and all we had was a fellowship? I mean, I want you to think about that. Can you imagine, you know why I can talk the way I'm talking besides my experience? Because we have a book where I can actually read you stuff from this book and it's there, and you can't deny the English language. If we didn't have this book, we'd have 100 people meeting in a room, our grandest degrees of sobriety, giving their opinion, and within a week we'd all be drunk. It would be no different than the bar I used to meet at, but except we'd be drinking coffee and we'd end up in fistfights yelling at each other. But the problem is, every once in a while somebody could actually pick this up and say, wait a second, but it says right here. And so you know when somebody's talking their opinion and somebody's talking AA. And that's the only reason this thing works. And the problem is, we've got a fellowship where you have to understand the undercurrent of the fellowship because we're alcoholics and we don't really want to do this stuff. I mean, I know we don't want to do this stuff, but you've got to understand we're like right-handed. Our right hand says don't do this. If you're right-handed, you always want to sort of do things with your right hand. Our natural inclination is, if our natural inclination was to live our life the way this says we're supposed to live our life and have the attitude the way this thing says we're supposed to have the attitude and have the belief system that this thing says we're supposed to have the belief system and the faith that this thing says we're supposed to have. If that was the way we naturally did it because we're comfortable with that, we wouldn't be in Alcoholics Anonymous. We'd be out there having a wonderful time. We'd all be, I don't know, running a church. I don't know what we'd be doing. We'd be wonderful. But our natural inclination is to run the opposite direction. We are the lost sheep. Our natural inclination is to go opposite. So we don't just walk through these doors and all of a sudden lose all that inclination. Even though we're sitting here, and we may even want this, when you hear the truth in AA meetings, sometimes you may grab onto it, but probably most of the time you're going to say, I don't like that. You're probably not going to like it. I mean, it'll set you free, but first it'll piss you off. You know, what's that line? The truth, you can't handle the truth, that Tom Cruise said. So I want to read you a couple things because that's what you really, that's what the real deal is. What do you want? You know, do you want more? You know, I'm going to tell a little story about, well, first I want to read you a couple things from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, and then I'll tell you a little story, and then we'll close it up, okay? This is from in no particular order. You'll kind of piece it together. This is going to be like Pulp Fiction. You ever see the movie Pulp Fiction? You know how it like starts at the end, it goes to the middle, and then the beginning, and then the back? And you've got to stay awake for it because if you like walk out of the room to go to the bathroom, you have no idea what's going on because you've got to piece it together. Well, the good news is that's why this isn't heavy lifting for me because I have no idea what I'm saying. I'm just talking. You're the guys that are going to have to put this thing together and figure out what the hell is going on because this is like a weird pizza, okay? But listen, trust me on this. It's like a kaleidoscope, but I'm going to try. You're going to have to trust me on this. In the end, it'll all make sense somehow to somebody. You know what I mean? Maybe not you, okay? But to somebody, and we'll get through this thing, and nobody's going to drink, but I'm going to read you a couple things because you want to know something. This is all spiritual stuff. It's all about relationship with God. It's all about Him, and the bottom line is you can't read this without it having effect on you. You cannot expose yourself to this. Without it having an effect on you, you want to know something? Even if you hate this stuff, and you're mad at this stuff, and you walk out of here and say, I can't stand that guy, you know what? For weeks, if you're saying, that son of a bitch, you know, I want to tell you something because I know how this thing works. I'm having an effect on you. You know, when you're around 31 years, how many times do you think I've had people say, you know, I remember hearing you, and I used to hate you, but now I love you. You think I've heard it once? You think I've heard it a hundred times? How about a thousand times? And how many people do you think there are in my lives who said things to me that I was mad at them, I was pissed off at them, and then they ended up being, now I'm talking about them from the podium? Those are the people I remember, the people that told me stuff that hurt my feelings, and all of a sudden, next thing you know, my whole life changed because he was right, and I didn't realize it, but I was mad because he was telling me something I didn't want to hear because he was beckoning me to grow up. You know, in 1 Corinthians 13, it says, when I was a child, I spoke like a child, I acted like a child, when I became a man, I put away childish things. And as you all know, the founders of this program, the ones that say, if you want what we have, and you're willing to go to any length to get it, isn't that what they said? If you want what we have, and you're willing to go, it doesn't say, rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path, it does say that. Don't we read that before? If you do what we did, you'll get what we got. Doesn't it say that? So as you all know, the founders of this program felt 1 Corinthians 13, the book 1 Corinthians 13, and the book of James, who were almost called the James Club, you know that they, and the book Sermon on the Mount, which is Matthew 5, 6, and 7, you all do know that they felt those books were absolutely essential to understand this deal. You know that. Well, you may not know that, but I'm going to tell you whether you like it or not, and I'm going to read you the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, you know, this is what you can do. You can get mad at that. You can deny that. You can make believe it's not there. And all that it means is that's just one thing you won't be doing or looking at. And then you can talk to everybody, how you're doing, the second step, and how open-minded you are. How you did the second step. And how you're just open-minded. You know, you just forget that part where he says we lose prejudice, even against organized religion that's been around for thousands of years. We begin to see how some of these people were right. They were living productive lives. You forget about all that stuff. Just keep on walking around with a chip on your shoulder against everything religious, everything having to do with any, anybody mentions the Bible, shoot them down, or cut it off, or whatever it is, and you can, and just stay sober for 20 years and hang in there and, you know, everything will be fine. So let me read you a couple things here. Real fast. I'm going to read this real fast and then I'm going to... So this is a story I sold myself short. I like reading this thing because it sort of gives us a certain idea of, this is what I want. You know what I'm reading you? I'm reading you the stuff because I've got to talk about my experience. That's why our stories disclose in a general way what we used to do. That's why our stories disclose. That's why it's so important. That's what makes an AA... You know, that's what I think makes a good AA talk, being authentic, being genuine. You know what I mean? I mean, listen, you can't bullshit alcoholics. Alcoholics, you know, phonies recognize a phony right off the bat, you know what I mean? You can't phony, you know. You know, you can't get up here, you know. It's, you know, it's, believe me. You better, you better be transparent. This is all about becoming transparent. It takes a long time to become transparent, right? It's difficult. Even your first two, three, five, ten, ten, you're scared to even talk. And then finally, you trust people a little and you open up a little bit and you open up a little bit. It's hard to become like a windowpane and let the whole thing out and let them judge you and everything like that and not care and just be able to have people see through you. You know, it's hard to do that. But it's absolutely essential. You know, because experience is the most important thing. I mean, sure, I have opinions. They're based upon my experience. They're based upon what I've read, what I've seen, my experience, who I hang out with, what I've seen in other people. You know, I'm not saying that I'm not. I'm not saying that I'm not. You know, it's like my sponsor said, you know, when a man with experience meets a man with money, the man with experience will walk away with the money and the man with the money will have walked away with an experience. You know, I mean, I mean, okay. It says this, this latest part of my life has had a purpose, not in the great things accomplished, but in daily living. Courage to face each day has replaced the fears and uncertainties of earlier years. Acceptance of things as they are has replaced the old impatient chomping at the bit to conquer the world. I have stopped tilting at windmills and instead have tried to accomplish the little daily tasks, unimportant in themselves, but tasks that are an integral part of living fully. Where derision, contempt, and pity were once shown me, I now enjoy the respect of many people. Where once I had casual acquaintances, all of whom were fair-weather friends, I now have a host of friends who accept me for what I am. And over my AA years, I have made many real, honest, sincere friendships that I shall always remember. I shall always cherish. I am rated as a modestly successful man. My stock of material goods isn't great, but I have a fortune in friendships, courage, self-assurance, and an honest appraisal of my own abilities. But above all, above all, I have gained the greatest thing accorded to any man. The greatest thing accorded to any man. The love and understanding of a gracious God. You know, they say things like greatest thing, central fact, the great fact. When they're talking about the greatest thing, the central thing, the greatest thing, what are they always talking about? Always talk about Him. So you do what your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. How can you even be involved in this program and what this program has to offer and not be focused on Him like a laser beam? Now, I can understand being an alcoholic and being sick and being not only physically and mentally, but spiritually sick, how you can fight this thing. I can get that. I can get that. Because my whole life before I came in here, which is a total disaster. I mean, you know, I did all the things properly as far as the, you know, making the money and getting the job, you know, and getting dressed in the pinstripe suit and all that stuff. But really, with relationships with people and hurting other people and all that sort of stuff and not being able to live life without drinking, it was all a mess. It was all a mess. How could you, like, come in here and, and, and read this stuff? You'd, you'd have to, you'd have to work at intentionally not understanding what they're talking about. Trying to make believe it says something other than it does just to avoid having to do it. Obscenely. I mean, you'd have, you'd have to make, you'd have to rewrite the English language and say words mean something other than they say. And somehow feel, you'd have to be in such denial. You think it's possible to not drink, go to meetings, do this whole thing and be in total denial of what the program is? You bet. You bet it is. You know what we call those people? Slippers. They slip. That's what happens. You end up drinking or if you don't drink, you live a life of quiet desperation. Above all, I have gained the greatest thing accorded to any man, the love and understanding of a gracious God who has lifted me from the alcohol scrap heap to a position of trust where I've been able to reach the rip, reap the rich rewards that come from showing a little love for others and from serving them as I can. Now, let me tell you something. It's a mystery. It is a mystery. It really is a mystery. I've decided, because this works for me and I've just made this decision, I don't know whether I can prove it mathematically or anything, I've decided it's a gift from God. I don't even think, I mean, I hate to say it, I don't want to get into an argument, it's just that everybody has to make their own decisions. I've seen people that you'd never think could latch on to God that all of a sudden they become believers. And I see people that will, until the day they bury them, they'll be mad at anybody who talks about it, okay? And I've seen incredibly intelligent people become believers that once hated God and were atheists and I've seen people that, you know, are incredibly intelligent. I don't know, there's no common denominator, you know, I don't know what it is. So it's a mystery. All I know is this. I want this stuff, this stuff I read, the things which I saw in other people, by the way. I'm reading this now, this is a man writing his story about who he is and what he is. This stuff excited me. I want, before I even knew who God was, what God was, what I wanted to believe, I wanted what this guy had. I wanted what he had. I only, I not only wanted to not drink, I wanted to feel that way. You know what my sponsor said to me? He says, Rush, you never asked, when I first came in, this is what he said to me. I'm not sure I really understood what he said, totally. I'm sure, I didn't totally understand the depths and the heights this thing could take you to. I really didn't. Because all I wanted to do was not, I said to him, I need help, I can't stop drinking. That's what I said. I said, I need help, I can't stop drinking. I don't think I imagined, I couldn't imagine the life. I couldn't imagine, I got a call from a guy from California, you know, he listens to the tape, he's a good friend, he's become very friendly, I talked to him, he's got about seven years now, and he's talking about how incredible his life has become for himself and his wife and his kids. How wonderful it is. And I said to him, I said, Sean, I said, you got a problem. He says, he said, what? He says, what are you going to do when it gets better? And he sort of laughs and he chuckles because he knows, he knows it's the truth. He knows, he can't even imagine that it can get better and he knows it's going to get better. And he wants it. He says, I just want more. He's just hungry for that stuff. You know, and so, and I wanted that stuff. So when you go to a meeting and you meet a guy like Al, Kennedy, when I was three months sober and the guy does a meeting and he does a step meeting and everybody, you know, he's just making, he's uplifting everybody and he walks out the door and I turned to my sponsor and I say, man, that guy was unbelievable. He's great. He's got like about 20, he's great. He's unbelievable. I said, boy, I'd really like to hang out with him. He says, well, you know, Russ, he's dying. I said, well, no, I'm talking about the guy who just spoke. He says, he's dying. So what do you mean he's dying? He says, he's dying of cancer. He's got three months to live. I said, he didn't mention anything about dying. He was just loving on people. He was lifting them up. He was telling them about his story. He didn't say anything. He says, I know, but he's dying. He's got lung cancer. He's got three months. He's only got a few months to live. And three months later, he was dying. I wanted that. I said, how could that? Do you think I could even, I couldn't even wrap my mind around that. Every day was a day for me to complain or whine about something. If I had a hangnail, that was like 15 meetings and a banana. You know what I mean? It was, you know, I mean, come on. And here's a guy and he's dying and he's giving a meeting. He doesn't even mention it. And I said, I don't know what drug that guy's on, but I want that stuff. I want what he has. I want what he has. Those are the guys that attracted me. I mean, forget about the God thing for a second. You know what I mean? Before the God thing came, the people where God was being reflected in, I didn't want the old guy in the corner saying, I don't want to hear about that crap. Put the plug in the, I don't want that stuff. I mean, I don't want to hear about God. I don't want to, I don't want that stuff. I don't want to be pissed off or that stuff. I wanted Al Kennedy's stuff. I wanted the stuff they talked about when they said here, where it says, you know, the stuff, what does it says here? It says, let me find this thing. Where is it? We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed, of which we had not even dreamed. Let me tell you something. You don't have any clue. I promise you, you don't have a clue. I mean, I love you. You're nice people. I'm sure you're having a good time. There's a lot of you in here. I don't know how many people have 30 years. How many people have 30 years looking for him? You don't have a clue. You don't have a clue of what, how incredible. You know, there's a line. I'm going to read this. You know, the hell with it. I'm going to read it. I love this line. It's from Jeremiah. It's Old Testament, so don't get all crazy, okay? Okay? So the Jewish people don't have to go crazy and the Christians can be okay, okay? If you're Muslim, it's okay too, okay? If you're an atheist, don't worry about it. You know, just ignore it, okay? Listen to this. For I know the plans I have. This is, this is Jeremiah 29, 11, 14, because this explains it better than anything. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray for me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back from captivity. Captivity from drugs, captivity from everything. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have vanished you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile. I mean, that's what this thing is all about. He just wants nothing but the best for you. This is about an incredible, this is about a lot more than not drinking. You don't want to miss the banquet. Really, you don't want to walk away from the banquet with like a bologna sandwich when there are people in the back room eating lobster, you know, and caviar. You don't want to do that thing. The great fact is just this and nothing less that we have had a deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude towards life, towards our fellows and towards God's universe. The central fact of our lives today, the central fact is the absolute certainty that our creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish things for us which we could never do by ourselves. That's the same line they use at the end of the promises. He is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. And they have one chapter in the book. It's called Chapter of the Agnostics. That's the only chapter they have to the agnostics. The rest of the chapters are to the believers. Really, the rest of the chapters. And you know what it says in the Chapter of the Agnostics? I'll wrap up the Chapter of the Agnostics for you, okay? I'm going to wrap it up for you. Here's what it says. Let me find it. I'll wrap it up for you. It's in one line. I'll wrap it up for you. This is not me talking. Write New York if you don't like it. Here I am. Here it is, okay? Here's the one line. I'm going to wrap it up. It's on page 48. Many of us have been so touchy. That's why I told my sponsor, I said, but I'm sensitive. He says, no, Russ. Great artists are sensitive. You're just touchy. Many of us have been so touchy that even casual reference to spiritual things made us bristle with antagonism. Okay? Now, you ready? Bristle with antagonism. Now, this is the only line. This is what the chapter of agnostics is about. It says, this sort of thinking had to be abandoned. Had to be abandoned. In other words, don't tell me there's no musts in AA. You know, they didn't have suggestions before the big book. It was like, get down on your knees or you don't go to the meetings. You got to read Dr. Bob. You need to read Dr. Bob. If you really want to know, when you say, rarely have we seen a person fail or slowly follow our path, you know, if you want to know what their path was, you really need to read it. You need to read Dr. Bob. Don't believe me. Read this book. You know what? For you guys who think I'm strident, you'll read this book. You'll say, man, he's liberal. Thank God I wasn't sponsored by Dr. Bob who forced people down. Before they'd let you in the meetings, you had to go to the upper room and make a surrender and get down on your knees. Give your life to God. I guess there wasn't much trouble with the second step at that point. That bypassed that sucker real fast. You know what I mean? You know? Hey, let's go. Hey, let me read this. No. Then I'm going to talk to you about Montana. Because if you understand about Montana, you'll understand about the second step. Okay? And, uh... Okay, this is page 101. This is Dr. Bob in good old times. I know some of you are never going to read it. Some of you will, okay? This is about what happened the first four years. You know, the big book was written in 1939. A started in 1935. The big book in 1939 says, really, I haven't seen a person fail who's thoroughly followed our path. But the one thing we know what their path was was it wasn't to read the big book. Because it wasn't written. So if you want to know what their path was, you've got to read this book. So this was their path. So if you want what they had, you know, you'll follow their... So this is their path. Okay? Let me read you a couple things from this deal. Okay? By the way, we'll start off on page 96. Dr. Bob, noting there was no 12 steps at the time and that our stories didn't amount to anything we speak of, later said they were convinced, they were convinced that the answer to their problems were in the good book. To some of us older ones, the parts that we found absolutely essential were the Sermon on the Mount, the 13th chapter of 1 Corinthians and the book of James. That's how they started the first day meeting. You know what the first day meeting was? You know what the topic was? Dr. Bob read from the Sermon on the Mount. I'm not making this stuff up. This is in the book. The first day, you know what they say and you know how they say in A, we don't talk about that stuff. You don't mention the Bible in A. Well, that would have been news to Dr. Bob because that's all they talked about for the first 10, 20 years in Alcoholics Anonymous until we got cool. Until we got cool. I mean, what kind of sobriety? You want their sobriety? You want the sobriety they were talking about in that book? What do you want what's going on here today? You know, the thumb sucking variety. Well, I got to get to a meeting. You know, to my, you want sobriety or do you want group therapy? What do you want group therapy? A bunch of people sitting around in a discussion meeting sucking their thumbs talking about how their mothers are treated. I mean, what do you want? You got to decide what you want. You want to grow up or you want to stay childish? Okay, page 101. On the other hand, we were taking them upstairs and getting them on their knees to surrender, which I felt was very important. The surrender was more than important. It was a must. Well, we're kinder and easier now. You know what I mean? Don't have anybody walking through the door saying you got to surrender before you get to the meeting. Anybody, you can come. You can come because, you know, it says if you want what we have, then you're ready to, you can come here if you want what they have. You can come here as a tourist. You can come here and I'm not looking to change it. I'm not looking to change it. I'm, I'm absolutely sure there are people in here don't want any of this stuff. It's okay. I'm glad they're here. But it doesn't mean I'm going to change what it says in the book. I'm not going to change the program to suit the weakest. You know, listen, this is not for people who want, who need this thing. This is for people who want it. Believe me, if people get mad and have an excuse for walking out of here, where are they walking out to? They're walking out to J&B Scotch. They'll be back in here with a different attitude or dead or something. You know, that kind of deal. You know, listen, we don't change or water down the program because some, because, God forbid, if we watered down this program and threw it out because an alcoholic didn't like it. You need to do a little 12-step and work with some alcoholics. If you start making this thing suitable so that it doesn't disturb alcoholics, you're going to have a very strange program. The surrender, believe me, you're going to have some really weird meetings. The surrender was more than important. It was a must. Bobby, who came to AA in February 1937, recalled that after five or six days in the hospital, when you had indicated that you were serious, they told you to get down on your knees, by the bed, and say a prayer to God admitting you were powerless over alcohol and that your life was unmanageable. Furthermore, you had to state that you believed in a higher power who would return you to sanity. There you can see the beginning of the 12 steps. He said, we called that the surrender. They demanded it. They demanded it. You couldn't go to a meeting until you did it. Did you hear that? You couldn't go to a meeting. I mean, we wouldn't even have a talk about the second step in here because I'd always assume you wouldn't even get in the deal. If by accident you didn't make it to the hospital, you had to make it in the upstairs bedroom over the Williamson's house. Dorothy S. M. recalled that the 1937 meetings, when the men would all disappear upstairs and all the women would be nervous and worried about what was going on, after about a half an hour or so, down would come the new man shaking, white, serious and grim. And all the people who were already in AA would come trooping down after them. They were pretty reluctant to talk about what had happened. But after a while they would tell us that they had a real surrender. I often wonder how many people that come in now would survive an experience like that. A regular, old-fashioned prayer meeting, said Dorothy, who was then married to AA member Clarence S. The Clevelands, which had the greatest sobriety and, according to this book, the best result. Now, you're probably right. It would probably thin out AA a lot, right? Meetings would probably be one-third the size. I wonder what the meetings would be like. I happen to know what the meetings would be like because we have meetings like those. I'll tell you what, they'd be powerful meetings. It's powerful meetings when everybody's on that deal, on the same beam. You need to experience some of those meetings so you know what you're missing. That's the meetings you need to experience. So, in Bannon, Montana, I'm not going to read the Clarence S. You ought to read this book, Dr. Bob, because there's all sorts of experiences and things like that. So, in Bannon, Montana, in 1853, I may get some of the names wrong. I used to memorize, I had this stuff memorized. I haven't told this story in a long time, but it's a true story. There was a gold rush, a gold and silver rush, in a place called Allen's Creek. Now, you all remember California, the California gold rush, Sudden's Mill and everything like that. Well, this was like the second biggest one in the country in 1853 and what happened was Bannon, Montana was outside the Black Hills and basically all the gold was in Indian territory and about 300 miners took out looking for gold in Indian territory. They weren't supposed to be there and there were about seven miners. Two of the guys' names I remember. It was Bill Fairweather and Henry Edgar and a guy named Alden and about seven guys were there left about two days after that and they were following the 300 and they sort of got lost and they got captured by Crow Indians and after they were captured they all escaped except for one guy and they were going back to Bannon to get supplies because they were out of supplies and they got to this creek called Grasshopper Creek and you need to look this up when you get back. It's a true story. So they got to Grasshopper Creek and they're sitting around there and they're gathering on firewood and one of the guys I can't remember whether it was Edgar or Henry Edgar or Bill Fairweather starts to see some rimrock and he starts hitting it and he finds like $200 worth of gold. So they all find this gold and they start hitting it and like within an hour or so they got it up around $300-$400 worth of gold which I guess I don't know what that said back then but maybe like $5,000 worth of gold. Can you imagine that? Finding that on the ground. So they realized it was like a major strike. So what happened was they decided they made a plan they were out of supplies and you know you got to worry about claim jumpers. At that time and you had to work a mind there were all sorts of technical things you had to do in order to have the mind and everything. By the way this became one of the largest strikes there's hundreds of millions of gold and silver out of this deal or whatever it is over the next 20 or 30 years but the deal was they were going to they were going to run into Batten, Montana okay gather up their supplies and meet by the old oak tree okay and nobody here's the deal nobody reads a word of this to anybody okay because you know we're talking serious money here okay so they go in there they sneak in they buy the supplies they go out and they go to the old oak tree and as they look behind them and there's like 200 miners following them. So Fairweather you know one of the guys he says he knew that somebody talked he knew that somebody broke the solemn oath and somebody talked and so when the 200 caught up to him he turned to him and he said he said he said who spoke who spilled the beans and the guy said this he said nobody he said nobody he said how'd you know he says we could see it in your eyes he says we could see it in your eyes he says we knew you would hit the mother load we knew you would hit the mother load and so they followed him because they knew they had hit the mother load now and that's the only thing I did in AA I've been following their minors I've been following their minors now now I would think everybody would see the minors everybody would see their minors and say I want that that guy's hit the mother load that gal's hit the mother I want that deal I would think but no it's not true I mean you know when I was looking at Al Kennedy and I saw that and it blew my mind that a guy with terminal cancer and how powerful this was that 31 years later 31 years after his death I'm still talking about it every meeting I could talk about how it changed my mind and I know that there were people there probably most people there don't even remember don't even know what I'm talking about I'm probably I'm probably the only I mean I'm serious because I asked my sponsor and he told me I don't know whether there's that deal or not and he said it's amazing my whole I can't even believe this and I'm following guys like that I gotta have that deal and I may have been the only guy in the room that even saw that they all just went to an AA meeting and they didn't even see that and it like fired me up you know if you look at if you look at the things that fire you up because you see all of a sudden something happens and you see it in a person you say this thing Alcoholics Anonymous number three you know I read the other Alcoholics Anonymous number three what is he saying this is Bill Dotson the man on the bed he says it right here this is incredible stuff says it right here it says it would be hard to estimate how much AA has done for me he's right out of the hospital he's writing this story 15 years later they said write down what happened to you I mean the guy was amazing he helped so many alcoholics he was a lawyer he was you know what I mean they went to see him if you ever go to an AA room they see Dr. Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob and one of them has a Bible open they're talking to this scrawny guy on the bed Bill Dotson was the guy on the bed so he's telling his story now in writing as if he's here and he was telling himself what impressed him what happened to him you know Bill Wilson for him was like how Kennedy was for me and he says this it would be hard he's writing about something that happened to him two weeks out of the hospital two weeks out of the hospital it would be hard to estimate how much AA has done for me I really wanted the program and I wanted to go along with it I noticed that others seemed to have such a release a happiness a something I thought a person ought to have I was trying to find the answer I knew there was even more something I hadn't got I knew there was even more do you think everybody in AA knows that there's more do you think that everybody in AA knows that there's more than just not drinking I don't know I don't think so I think something some people think there's not drinking club I don't think they know there's more than not I don't know I don't know why that is it's a mystery to me I think it's a gift I think some people just see it they see there's more there's something there's the mother load out there he says I knew there was even something more something I hadn't got and I remember one day a week until after I come out of the hospital Bill was at my house talking to my wife and me we were eating lunch I was listening trying to find out why they had this release that they seemed to have he's looking at me looking at Bill Wilson like I'm looking at Al Kennedy he says Bill looked across at my wife and said to her in the middle of eating like a bologna sandwich Bill says this doesn't even say it to him says it to his wife he says Henrietta this is all he says the Lord has been so wonderful to me curing me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep talking about it and telling other people this is what he says he says I thought I think I have the answer Bill was very very grateful that he had been released from this terrible thing that he had given God the credit for having done it and he's so grateful about it he wants to tell other people about it that sentence the Lord has been so wonderful to me curing me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep telling people about it has been a sort of golden text for the AA program and for me that was his Al Kennedy he was two weeks sober he heard this thing he built his whole sobriety he saw something he saw the burning bush he says I need to have this deal this is the whole deal and you ask me how to do the second step I don't know how to do the second step I have no clue I don't know I didn't even do it I mean I didn't I didn't do it I had nothing to do with I went to a room I saw a guy it blew my mind I said I want what he had and all of a sudden I'm reading this stuff I'm looking at this stuff I'm not being pissed off I'm not getting angry at people I just want to know I just want to understand it the only thing that was bothering me is I just didn't understand it I wanted it seemed the more I tried to understand it the harder it got and then I would relax and stop trying to understand and just hang around and all of a sudden it would come to me I honestly over a period of years I've adopted the attitude that it's a gift from God and I don't question it and that things that man are entitled to know that man are entitled to know and there are things that are in God's mind that I'll never know and I'm accepting that's fine and other people are saying I don't want to hear that crap and that's okay because they just want to stay sober they just don't want to drink and that's okay but I don't want that I want the Al Kennedy stuff I want the Bill Wilson stuff you understand what I'm saying so I don't know what it is Al Kennedy was there for everybody to see in that room there were a hundred people there I don't know why I heard that I don't know why Bill Wilson heard Bill Dodson heard that other thing I don't know why you're going to hear your guy or you're going to hear your gal and you're not going to hear somebody and why somehow somewhere you're going to hear something do something say there's something more this is the whole deal it's not the other deal and all of a sudden you're going to get excited and start reading this book and look at this thing and somebody's going to say to you 20 years from now when you're doing the steps well how did you get this thing and you're going to say I hated God I hated all this stuff I don't know he said something I don't know it drove me crazy right does any of that make any sense well it doesn't matter we're done it's an hour you know so thank you