The Psychiatrist Said Chemical Imbalance — His Sponsor Said Spiritual Malady — Only One of Them Was Right – Wayne B.

About This Speaker Tape

Wayne B. shares one of the most raw and unflinching AA stories you will ever hear. Diagnosed a psychopath at 18 after a tequila-fueled attempt to kill his family, he spent time in psychiatric institutions 17 times, lived in a dumpster during the coldest Illinois winter on record at age 23, and drank for five straight years while attending AA meetings. He describes making ketchup soup from hot water and Heinz packets, smoking cigarette butts off the curb, and being physically thrown out of meetings for disrupting them. He once fired a .357 revolver at his sponsor Barney's face, missing by six inches, and woke up the next morning in leather restraints — only to find Barney visiting him, not to condemn him, but to invite him back to a meeting.

Wayne's story turns on two pivotal moments of grace. His gun misfired when he pulled the trigger with it pressed to his wife's head, and his sponsor Barney kept showing up no matter what Wayne did to push him away. After five years of drinking through meetings, Wayne finally got sober on November 8, 1977, when Barney found him on the stoop of his home group with a six-pack and simply said, "Why don't you come in, I'll set up for the meeting. Leave the beer out here." That was his last drink.

After a year sober, Wayne's ego inflated and he fired his sponsor, spending years two through seven doing only Steps 1, 12, and 13. By year seven he weighed 146 pounds, was deeply depressed, and ready to go on psychiatric medication. Barney challenged him: put the pills on the shelf, work a rigorous program for two years, and if you're still depressed, I'll go to the doctor with you. Wayne took the challenge, worked the steps out of the Big Book, and his depression lifted completely. He got his criminal record expunged, graduated fourth in his police academy class, and built a life he never imagined possible. Near the end, he shares a recent heartbreak — a broken engagement — and the discovery that after all those years of being told he could never love, he now has a heart to break. Nearly 22 years sober, Wayne credits everything to the program, his sponsors, and the old-timers who never gave up on him.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Opens with humor about anonymity, introduces himself as originally from Illinois now living in Los Angeles
• 3:00 Diagnosed psychopath at 18 after trying to kill his family — doctors said he would never have the capacity to feel or extend love
• 7:00 Living in a dumpster at 23 during record Illinois cold, making ketchup soup, his father knocking on the dumpster lid asking him to come home
• 14:00 Tricked into going to his first AA meeting at 416 16th Street — the condemned building with the flickering light bulb, knocks himself out on the low door frame
• 22:00 Five years drinking through meetings, gets thrown out bodily, fires a .357 at his sponsor Barney's face and misses by six inches
• 28:00 Puts the gun to his wife's head and pulls the trigger — the gun misfires, wife leaves three days later, Wayne lies in fetal position begging God
• 35:00 Last drink November 8, 1977 — Barney finds him on the stoop with a six-pack and simply invites him inside to set up for the meeting
• 42:00 Describes alcoholism as an internal spiritual maladjustment — reads the catalog of symptoms from the 12 and 12 that define his condition
• 50:00 Seven years sober but no program — sponsor challenges him to put the psych meds on the shelf and work a rigorous two-year program, depression lifts completely
• 55:00 Becomes a police officer, graduates fourth in his class, shares about a recent broken engagement and discovering he now has a heart to break