The Psychiatrist Said Chemical Imbalance — His Sponsor Said Spiritual Malady — Only One of Them Was Right – Wayne B.

I want to thank Mark for inviting me to come cheer with you folks. I want to thank Lance for picking me up at the airport and taking me to the hotel and getting me a great dinner and hosting me. I want to thank my two friends Jim and Jim. It was nice to see them, but I'll tell you, you can run, but you can't hide. I'm originally from Illinois, that's where I got sober, and you can't have no anonymity in Illinois, it's so little. So I figured when I moved to Los Angeles, I'd have a lot of anonymity. I could go places and not be found. Do things I don't normally want to get back home. So we're in this restaurant, and I look over in the booth and I think, God, that woman looks a lot like Carol Thornton. She's my surrogate mother in Illinois, and it was her. And she's here. And it's so wild, AA is everywhere. If you're new and you're a surrogate, we're going to see you. I had started going in the back doors of saloons until I went to AA. Then I had started going in the back doors in fear that somebody from ANA might see me going in there drinking. And then pretty soon I was looking around the saloon to see who was in there. Never occurred to me if you were in there, you were probably drinking too, but that wasn't... I figured AA's got spies, and then they report back when you get kicked out of ANA. If you're new in this room, I want to welcome you tonight. You're probably the most important person here, besides me. I was up here about a month ago with my friend Mark, and he's in Chicago tonight. Some girl, probably. So I had to come alone. I love AA. Tonight, I believe that's probably the most important thing I got to share with you. I mean, I don't have a lot more to say. She's going to take me about an hour to say it. But I do love AA, and the reason that's so important is because at the age of 18, I was diagnosed by a panel of sudden psychiatrists after I drank a bottle of tequila and tried to kill my family. And I meant to, too. I'm not going to get up here and lie and say I didn't mean to. I tried to kill them. I wanted them dead. I really didn't like them. And the tequila had something to do with it. And these doctors diagnosed me a psychopath, which means I have no remorse, I have no guilt, and I have no shame. In other words, I don't feel bad about it. And I didn't. And I'm not so sure I felt bad when I made amends. They say I've got what's called a got-caught conscience. When I get caught, I feel real bad. They said that I don't have the capacity to feel love. And I absolutely believe that. And they said that I would never have the capacity to extend love. And that's a hell of a sentence to hang on somebody like me. But you know what? Back then, it was absolutely the truth. I never felt. My psych report reads, Wayne does not play well with pets. He really does. They tried pet therapy on me, and the psych word, it didn't take. By the way, I've been in psychiatry. I've been in psychiatry. By the way, I've been in psychiatric institutions 17 times. I really like it there. It's like warm and fuzzy. Now, I'll tell you why I really like it there, in case you slept. If you drank like I drank, and you act like I acted on the street, I couldn't get a date to save my life. But you put me in a psych ward, and I had a 50-50 shot. Tell these psych wards you can put them under restraint. And I got to tell you something. I got enough Thorazine pumped into me to slow me down to around 210. Anybody else in here been put on Thorazine? Okay, you're going to know this is true or not. Thorazine doesn't do a thing to slow down the speed of my thinking. It's just that I would never catch up to it. You hear me? Well, I know what it does to me, it's got to do it to them girls, too. And the psych wards I was on, they wheeled the meds right out onto the floor. And you line up, and I would wait and pick out which one I wanted to date with. And I'd wait until she took the Thorazine. And then I'd time it. Because I knew in about an hour I'm going to get a date. I love to hate, I mentioned that. Like a psych ward, we just got doorknobs on both sides. I spotted you guys. I suppose I better talk about drinking. It helps to drink to be an alcoholic, some people don't know that. I love Budweiser. I love Budweiser more than life itself, I truly do. I'm going to tell you something, newcomer. I haven't had a drink in my body or any pills, powder, potions, or lotion for 21 years, 11 months, or 27 days. And the fact of the matter is, if I could drink tonight, I would. I don't have a problem with anybody drinking alcohol. If I could drink safely and not suffer the punity of drinking, I'd be out there because that would indicate that I'm a normal human being. Well, I am not. I'm going to buy a half a bottle out of Club on my bus day. But I love Budweiser, I really do. When I was flying here, I swear, it's like radar. I know when we passed over that Anheuser-Busch brewery. You know there's a whole Anheuser-Busch brewery on the 405 right outside LA when you head toward your gate by them? If I could, I'd have talked that United Airlines pilot into slowing down so I could have a moment of silence. I have compassion for Louis the Lizard. I love Budweiser, I truly do. That's weird because I don't like the taste. Ain't that the damnedest thing you ever heard of? They say that you can't be an alcoholic if all you drink is beer. Beer, Budweiser specifically. I would poison my sister with it once in a while with fine wine. Like Ripple, Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. You know why I like Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill? Because when I puke, it looks like I'm bleeding internally. People feel sorry for me, buy me a real drink. Mad Dog 2020 grape. Don't you love that? See, when you're on Skid Row, some of you know, I got a quart bottle of Bud that was mostly empty. And then I would go around the dumpsters at night and whatever was in there, I'd put in that quart bottle of Bud and drink it. That's where I ended up. No teeth in my face because I stood up a lot when I should have showed up. And by the way, you know when they gave the announcement that, you know, if you park out there by the dumpsters, in my opinion, you should knock. In case someone's in there. Because I ended up living in a dumpster. I'll never forget it. It was November 1972. It's the coldest winter of record at that time in Illinois. And I had gotten to a state of disposition, emotionally you might say, that even Larry wouldn't let me in the cabin anymore. I had to sleep out back in the... Texas. We had two dumpsters out back side by side. And I slept in the one to the south because the north one broke the wind. And I'll tell you something in case you slept. We do that here, by the way. We do drink. And I don't have a problem with that. I'm not one who's going to tell you don't drink no matter what because we can treat active alcoholism. We can't treat a 357 in a month. Remember, this is Alcoholics Anonymous. We drank. I'm not telling you to go drink tonight. But I understand it if you do and we'll be here and hopefully you'll make it back and find your solution here with us. Because I'm one who had to do that. I drank for five... I came to AA and drank for five years. I could not stand the people in here. Now some people mention how they came to the first meeting and they stood sober ever since and they of course repeat that every time they share. But it's not about ego. I can't stand them. Because I found it imperative to drink. And I'm going to tell you about that. See, I'm not on a big war wagon about anything. I'm just here to share my experience. I can't tell you what to do or what not to do. I can only tell you what I've done and didn't do. And what allows me to stay sober today one day at a time. I don't believe anybody should work that program because I try to work the AA program. There's only one AA program. It's in the first 164 pages of the big book. I avoided it as long as I could. But I want to tell you about that dumpster I lived in. Found out that if I burrowed down into about three feet of garbage, garbage gets off the street. There's dumpsters in here. Jim keeps raising his hand. I know why. Yeah, you look like a dumpster. I'm going to tell you something about garbage. When it gets burrowed free, it gets off the street. It's kind of a huge dumpster. But it decomposes and you don't get frostbite. And if you're hungry. And I remember the day I heard a knock on my door. It was the lid of my dumpster. I was home. So I opened the door. Cassie just looked down at me. My daddy. My dad looked down at me and he says, Wayne, do you want to come home? Now, you know what my mind said? No. This is a great town, Dad. There's no room like your mom had. That's what my mom says. You know what my mom says? No thanks, Dad. No thanks, Dad. I'm doing fine. My dad closed the lid and left. Did not need element. By the grace of God, it was too cold to stay in that dumpster. Too cold. And I'm trying when I'm desperate. Especially with little ladies that work at restaurants. I had shit. I was at a library's restaurant. And she felt so sorry for me. She risked her job to give me free stuff. And you know, I'd come in and she'd give me a hot cup of water. And a bottle of Heinz beer. And a bottle of Heinz tomato ketchup. I was particular. It had to be Heinz. You know how they are. And I would put that Heinz ketchup in the hot water and I'd make myself a cup of soup. And then she would hide saltines out back in the garbage can so I could get them. So she wouldn't do the job for feeding a bum. Now remember, I'm 23 years old. And I'm on Skid Row. And I've got a wife and two kids. Two babies at home. And I don't know what's wrong with me. And finally she cut me a deal. She told me if I would mop the racks of dining room floors, she'd give me two saucy sandwiches on whole wheat toast. And I cut the deal. And the guy that owned that restaurant was an old man named Brady. Ugly man. Just a pitiful. And he stood about this big. And he had this giant nose. It was really straight right here. But then it flared out at the nostril. You ever seen a whiskey nose in the dead of winter? No. It looks like bombs have gone off at the end. It looks like a hunter's of bad acne, really. And... No offense. And underneath the skin you could see the red and purple and blue blood veins. And I swear to God, when his heart beat, his nose would thump. And I would just stare at his nose. I thought he was an alcoholic. He's an AA, but I don't know that. It don't mean that to me. I'm an alcoholic. I mean, I got some problems. But you see, I've been psychically institutionalized a lot by then. So I know I'm not an alcoholic. And I'm going to tell you why. I saw an alcoholic on TV once. He was dressed in this nasty trench coat. And he drank out of a brown paper bag. I haven't worn a trench coat. And to this day, I've never drank out of a bag like that. Not even a Pepsi Cola. Because I thought that made me an alcoholic. I went to the bathroom and I stopped getting in. And all of a sudden, he comes in and... Let me preface this by saying that if you're new in this room, my sponsor tells me I have what's called the disease of perception. So I'm gonna tell you about that disease of perception real quick. So When I tell you that's what I heard, you'll know what I mean. When I was about three minutes sober, my sponsor took me to a meeting in Chicago, Illinois at the Mustard Seed. Now the reason he took me to the meeting in Chicago is because the police were working for me in the lane. And he didn't want to turn me in until I had a foundation of sobriety first. And so I'm at this meeting, and they're seated just like we are here tonight. There's 300 people in that meeting, and I'm sober almost four weeks now. And he and the other timers are in the front row, and they got immediately reused. He was in the second row. That was my opinion. Didn't want to get the disease. Now, I've been around eight, eight, five years drinking the whole time. Now, I'm sober almost four weeks, and there's a speaker up here. You know, it's the anniversary of the mustard seed group. If you ever go to Chicago, make sure you go to the mustard seed group. It's still alive, strong, and moving. But I'm in that meeting, and this guy's speaking, you know, lying, just like some of you are going to think I am by the time I'm done, because I find it necessary to critique the speaker, just like some of you have already. Now, I'm sitting next to my best friend, Jimmy. I've known him three minutes. And the speaker's up there speaking. And I can't stand it. I know the guy's a liar. You know how we are. He's talking. And all of a sudden, I nudged Jimmy, and I said, Jimmy, how can New York let him come out here and talk to us? He's a liar. He couldn't have drank like that. His guts would have fell out. Then he talked to him, and I nudged Jimmy. I said, Jimmy, can't he lie to him? He couldn't have done that. He'd be in prison the rest of his life. And then he talked to him. Jimmy, he couldn't have done that. He'd be a psych ward. I know I've been there 17 times. I guess my sponsor got sick and tired of that. I've heard you all around, because I'm loud. He turns around and fell through. I've had people look me right in the eye. And here's what I heard him say. Shut up, you goddamn loser. You ain't got a thing to say when you're out of here. And if we ever think you do, we'll come up to that abandoned car we posted you out of behind Harvey's restaurant, take your little horn, and invite you in to share. Now, until then, sit there, keep your big, big mouth shut, or leave. That's what I heard you say. I found out later what he really said. Was this. This brass coin out of his pocket. And it's got these two A's on it. And he says, he gives it to me. He says, I voted this address, 416 60th Street, tomorrow. Tell them Harvey sent you. They're friends of mine. They're going to help you. And he said, there's going to be a light bulb hanging on a cord. If it's on, go in. They're expecting you. Now, that's not what I heard. Not what I heard. I would have never went. But here's what I heard. If you go there, they'll give you some free food to eat because you're hungry. They'll give you some pocket dough because we know you're hungry. And three or four packs of popcorn bar until they've made cigarettes. That is the only reason I went. If you'd have said I was an alcoholic, and I'm going to AA, I'd have said, You see, he tricked me. Really, he lied is what he did. But you see, old timers, it's called spiritual trickery. Me and my family. First year, it's the line, and I need to get on it for myself. I do the same thing. So I go there the next day and I find the address 416 16th Street. I'm broke. I'm hungry. And all I got left in my pocket is a couple of cigarette. Any smoke was in here. That's a lost art. Now, I'm going to tell you how to do it in case you said you got to carry something. I'm going to throw it up in your pocket because by now I'm engulfed in pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization and I've got to have smoke. And so I walk along the curb and I hope to God if I had a two-incher and a non-filtered and nobody with head to arrogance to spin the tobacco out of. God, I hate people that do this. They ruin a perfectly good butt. And then I spit. I spot the one I'm going after. And then I have to scan the horizon to see if anybody's looking because if you look at me, I've got to come get you. And I'm not a tough guy. I just can't take that kind of enumeration. And so then I spot it and what I do is I walk by it and I drop that wadded piece of paper next to it and I sit down by the curb and I pick them both up and I light that little cigarette and smoke it and hope to God nobody saw me. And so that's the last time I get three or four packs of Pro-Mart Cigarettes, I went there. Now, I got to that address. And I looked at the side of the building. This is so classic. Big sign posted by the city of Moline. Building condemned. Building condemned. Right beneath it, it's another sign with an arrow pointing into the basement. It said, 16th Street. Welcome. I didn't know what to do. Is the building condemned or not? See, because I'm a thinker. And I agree to a state called controlled thinking. And then I look down into the cellar wall. And the windows are painted black. I can't see in it. They can't see out. I found out it was anonymity. And then I spotted this light bulb hanging on a cord. But it was flickering. You hear me? Now, he told me if it was on, go in. He didn't tell me what to do if it was flickering. I sort of did neurobeats. You know what neurobeats is? Get a little neurotic. And it made me crazy. So I went to Larry's Oasis. And talked Larry out of some Budweiser's. I drank them. And something happens to me. I don't care anymore. So I went back to the eyeglass. Went charging down that cellar doorway. Charging through the door. Failing to notice that the door of the basement is about 10-ish. I'm 6'3". I caught the header of the door right across the eyebrow. And he intrepidly knocked me out. Beat me. Knocked me out. And back then, AA wasn't very glamorous. I'm going to tell you that. Because inside that door, about 6 feet. Which is right on the table. Was 6 or something. The oldest, ugliest movie I ever saw in my life. Sitting there waiting to die. That was my opinion. And I slid between two of them. And this old ugly one gets up out of his chair. And looks down at me. I look up at him from the floor. And he says, Slide right in here, dummy! We got a wrench to fit all these nuts that comes in the door. I don't like kids all that way. And I'm reaching for that 357. I got it in my boot. And he says, Dummy! That's what I heard. He said, My name's Wayne. He said, I got it. Dummy! That saved his life. You might wonder why I said that. I've never been to AA. I play baseball. Sponsors pay for everything. Decided not to shoot him. And I got up off that flare. And stuck my head right up his butt. They say, Barney should put cursibles on his hips. To keep him breaking my neck. So he'd turn off the light. And the next five years, I went to the meetings every day. And I mean every day. Drank before every meeting. Drank a lot after meetings. And I couldn't stand the smiles and the pathetic grrr of anymore. Grrr. Men hugging men. I'm from the farm. Careful about the animals, too. I drank during meetings. By the way, it's my opinion. A place where a drinking grump's not allowed to sit in and listen, in my opinion, that's not alright. That's a gathering of people. Forgot where they came from. However, if you knew, and you're drinking, you're all welcome, but we do want you to behave while you're here. And therein lies my problem. You see, I can either drink or I can behave. I just can't do them simultaneously. Now, I'm a pretty easy going guy I've been drinking about four years going to meetings, and I walked in the back door Of course, the speaker was speaking. By the way, you guys were well behaved. I really appreciate that. I was unlike that when I was new. I was discourteous, totally disrespectful, and didn't care if a newcomer died or not. I always disturbed the meetings. And I came in one time, four years drinking, and I walked in after the meeting started, the speaker was speaking, and of course I was disrupting the meeting. But I was spiritual. I think the Order has something to do with it. So I walked into the middle of the meeting and one of them old timers got up and said, you've got to quiet down. I went from spiritual to pissed off, just like that. Something happens to me when authority gets in my face. I don't like being told what to do by nobody, even if it'll save my life. And I said, I don't want to. Another guy got up and said, you've got to sit down, you're disrupting the meeting. Another one got up and said, you've got to leave. Now you're welcome to come back tomorrow with an act accordingly, but we have a right to a peaceful meeting so a newcomer can hear the message of hope without you distracting them. You have to leave. And I looked at him and I said, you can't make me. Yes, they can. Set up war right there. About four guys his size, each one grabbed an arm and a leg, talked some goofy, and said goodbye. Just when I was about ready to land in the middle of 6th Street, I heard one of the old timers yell out, Four and a half years drinking, going to meetings. I came in one night and I heard my spouse just say, I heard her. I turned around and I said, what? He said, do you know this program tends to work better if you don't drink? I never heard that. And that made my mind splinter. And when I realized what he was saying to me, I reached under my cowboy boot, I pulled that .357 out, I wheeled it off, I fired a round off at my sponsor's face. I missed him six inches high. There's a steady joke in my home group that if Barney was living six foot tall, he'd be six foot under. I came through the next morning in six point leather restraints tied to a steel bed inside a padded room in Franciscan, my 17th trip to the psych ward. I was black and blue from head to toe with a little AA group therapy. They liked him. I had a visitor that morning, you know who he was? My sponsor. I couldn't get rid of him for nothing. He was like a maggot on a bad piece of meat. I was like a mission to him. I'm laying there, naked, face up in six point leather restraints with three broken ribs, black and blue from head to toe. They let him in the room. They've taken my dentures away. They sent a nurse in with him in case I bite through the straps and get him again. He's pointing at my anatomy going like this. That was his way of getting revenge. I'm thinking, yeah pal, you do that while I'm laying here. You know what, dummy? That's what I heard. He said, if they let you out of here, I'm not sure they're going to, they're talking about keeping you and studying you a while. He said, if they do let you out of here, it's my opinion, if you come with us and do what we did and still do, you can recover too. You know, he didn't mention the thing that I'd done the night before and to this very day, I've heard it cross his lips what I did to him that night. It was so much that he would come the next day and have the humility and the decency and the mercy not to throw out in my face what I did and try and invite me to go to a meeting with him. What is wrong with this man? And then he goes to the psychiatry board and gets me released into his custody. This man's out of his friggin mind. Now he owns me. Because I hated him. In the big book it says that an alcoholic in his cuffs, her too, is an unlovely creature. It doesn't say child of God. Creature! And then there's another part in chapter 7 where it says that we do not need to fear her to go to the most sordid spot on earth to carry this message that God will keep us unharmed. My sponsor believed that. I said, well what about it Barney? He says, you are the most sordid spot I've ever been. I hated his guts. I got out of there and November 8, 1977 I took what appeared to be my last drink. I've been through two wives and five kids and I have to report to you that I destroyed the dignity in respect of two women and that I stripped five children of their childhood. Now I can blame my disease but if I do I'll drink again. People don't give a damn if I was drunk. They just know I destroyed them. So am I diseased? I did what I did and I've got to correct that somehow. I don't know how to do that. Well thank God we have steps here to take responsibility and accountability for what I did so I don't have to drink again. That's just my experience. That's not a guilt trip. That's not a criticism. It's my experience. And I had a tough time with that. I went home and curdled it in the cottage cheese three days later. And it was true to him because that's when I get home and that was a bunch of right there attached to the doorknob. No disrespect. They don't know what else to do. You see we're their obsession. Alcohol is my obsession. The alcoholic is their obsession. And she was right there waiting for me. 2 a.m. She wants to know where I've been. I've been in a blackout. I don't know. How do you explain a blackout when you don't know what it is? So the fight was on. No excuses. The fight was on. We walked the two girls up. At that time the doctors were 1 1⁄2 and 2 1⁄2. And I vaguely remember my 2 1⁄2 year old having herself wrapped around my leg trying to pull me off her mother. My one and a third daughter was laying up against the wall in the corner in a fetal position screaming. And then I had an out of body experience. I saw myself pin my life to the floor. I put a .357 to her head and I pulled the trigger. And uh There's a good speaker in AA. Now his name's Norm Alpey. He used to have a catch phrase. Sometimes life hangs in the balance of seconds and inches. It's inexplicable to the human mind. It can go either way. And this night it went the other way. The gun misfired. I can't explain it to you. The gun misfired. It didn't go up. I still got that .357 bullet at home. It's a holopun. She got the firing pin and done a center mass in the cap. It should have went off. She left me anyway. Now if you're judging me I understand. But I hope you stick around until you resolve the conflict that causes you to judge me. Three days later my wife leaves. Which was a pretty good thing to do. And I want to show you what a tough guy alcoholic I am. I laid by the door for three days in the fetal position bawling like a baby begging God to bring her back. Now I want to tell you something about the desperation of an alcoholic. I can only speak for an alcoholic. My desperation. Take it and redirect it into action that will solve my problems. Don't release my desperation. Because I've got personal experience what happens when my desperation leaves before the action takes place. Three days later I make deals right out of chapter three. I said God if you bring her back I'll sell my gun. God if you bring her back I'll sell all my guns. God if you bring her back I'll quit drinking. Now I went for the big one. God I'll get a job. And you know what three days later I swear to God knock on the door. I knew the knock. I knew the knock. I knew it was my wife. That's the only reason I got up off the floor and answered the door. And I answered the door and there was my wife with the two kids right beside her and she looked me right in the eye and she says can we come home. And I looked at her and something happened that fast. And I said well I don't know. You hurt me when you left. If you abandon me again you can come back. And you know she moved back. We need the all around family groups. This is a family spiritual disease. You see unlike all the other diseases of mankind this is a spiritual disease in and of itself. And it doesn't have the mercy to kill the afflicted first. I wish it would. That's why if I go drinking tonight I know the chances I'm not going to die. Not for a while. Everyone else are lucky enough to die the first time out. You may think that's a weird thing to say. But if you're like me I could probably go on for 20 more years of misery and pitiful and incomprehensible demoralizing self-loathing as I take out anything to get to the other path. Because that's alcoholism. And so I'm one who believes that the all around family is a good thing. And we did the dance of death. I got sober and I got brave. And just by God's grace Let me tell you that story. It was November 8th. It was morning. I was kicked out of the Rock Island Rescue Mission because I was rifling pillow cases. I did most people's heads wrong. When I started out it was about 30 degrees with a light drizzle. It was turning to ice. And I left there and I stole a six pack of bed riser on my way to a meeting. I walked 67 blocks to the meeting room. Carrying a six pack of blood. But I got there and I sat down on the stoop right there in front of my home group because it was closed. And I drank three cans of beer and then guess who showed up? Boy it's bad to see your sponsor when you're drinking. He showed up early. He's always early. See to him on time is early. And leaving on time is after the last newcomer has left. And thank God he showed up that day because I had just made the decision to kill myself. I couldn't take it anymore. You know what he says to me? He doesn't say a thing about my drinking. Doesn't say a thing. See these old timers they're alcoholics. They understand. They don't need to go into a dynamic dissertation of explanation. They just say it because they know it. He says why don't you come in I'll be set up for the meeting. And by the way why don't you leave the beer out here. We'll get it later. And you know that's the last drink I took? I forgot all about that bed riser. Barney had me so busy in there something happened. This is my turn. And from that day to this day I had stopped. And I'll tell you how much I love AA. He does something for me through his own actions. He taught me all about AA during the five years I drank. He just turned to me and said AA Ray. He said you can't drink. That's not the truth. You just don't know you're reaching them. But you see what the mind can't absorb the soul gets. You see I'll tell you something newcomer I know what I've got. Shoemaker and Dying and Tebow addressed it as a soul sickness. A soul sickness. One that causes me to have what's known as spiritual separation according to Chuck Chamberlain. Let me share that with you for a minute before I go on. I didn't know it was a movement. Just because I know it doesn't indicate I know what an alcoholism really is. I just have a lot of ideas fermented in my own thinking. I don't know. In the big book there's one in the description. I want to share it with you because it's how I understand. You see alcohol is not my problem. I wish it was. If alcohol was my singular problem I would just not drink it. I'd be okay. Alcohol is a solution for me. And I almost missed that. When I heard people say what are you talking about? Because see alcohol did become a problem. But I didn't know alcohol became a problem Dr. Silkworth in the big book talks about alcoholism in his opinion. He says that normal drinkers like me drink essentially because I like the effect produced by alcohol. But he goes on to say something interesting. He says that effect is an illusion. You see the earth people you know, them the earthlings when I tell them what I'm saying they go like this Well, it can't go wrong with us. But in their mind it's real. He says that the effect produced by alcohol in the mind of an alcoholic goes on to say it only happens in the mind of an alcoholic and nobody else. This specific effect takes place. And that's why the other people don't get it. Because it's an illusion. But to me it is so real that I will defend it to everybody else's death first and then mine. You hear me? Silkworth says I have a condition known as an internal spiritual maladjustment. An alcoholism that goes with alcoholism. This is an internal spiritual maladjustment. A spiritual disease. On page 53 of the big book it says God is everything or else he is nothing. God either is or isn't. What's my decision to be? Now on page 55 it says deep down inside every and the key word is every damn it. I'd love to be different. Every except Wayne. That's the mental idea of God. So spiritual and it's internal. Then on page 24 he gives us the bread. He says quote we are maladjusted to life in full flight from reality and outright mental defective. That's my hope for the future. And then in the 12 and 12 he and Father Ed Dowling and Reverend Sam Shoemaker collaborated on a set of symptoms that predisposes this internal spiritual maladjustment. Let me tell you what those symptoms are in me. I don't know if they are there or not but mine are in the big book in the 12 and 12. When I tell you I'm an alcoholic according to these gentlemen here's what I'm really suggesting. I realize I look to you like I'm a full grown adult but to a man in reality I remain childish grandiose and gravely emotionally immature. As a growing human concern my natural state is one of anxiety, depression and fear coupled with an intense desire for excitement. A condition of being which is complicated with and exacerbated by an obsessive compulsive impulsive excessive controlling demanding need for attention acceptance and unqualified approval. A condition of being which renders me restless irritable and discontent with life. Now you might wonder how that restless irritable discontent nature appears in a child of God like me. Mentally my thought life is governed by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pity. All which drive me to live my life according to selfish, dishonest, self seeking and resentful and fragile motives in life. Motives which left unattended to be aroused and engaged in dangers and life threatening and I said life threatening levels of lust. Try not to make eye contact like that. That runs me emotionally a bit sensitive. Everything I see or hear personal. All I question is I can't stand it. It embarrasses me because I don't mean it. When it comes to suffering emotionally I don't like to suffer emotionally. I don't suffer well. And I don't suffer alone. Socially I'm a bankrupt idealist and brooding perfectionist. Bankrupt idealist and brooding perfectionist who live defensively and guarded in fear of being found out. As such I tend to rationalize, minimize, justify and deny all my actions while casting blame upon innocent people in vigorous attempt to avoid detection. Therefore regarding my fellow man and woman I demand and I said demand the absolute possession and control of everybody. And every circumstance that enters my arena of life. Therefore my response to you is I am quick to anger slow to virtue and I get a distinct succinct delight and twisted pleasure out of judging and criticizing everybody I see. My outstanding characteristic is defiance and rebellion jogs my every step. Now as a child of God that's a catalog of my fire qualities. Anybody want to do it? I'm looking for work. Now you ask a newcomer I want you to hear something I'm going to submit to you that you're going to hear the rest of your Shabbat. And I'm going to go on and on I'm going to suggest you but here's how you're going to hear it. I don't fit in. I don't belong. I don't feel a part of my God what's wrong with me I must be different. Now the best way to describe it to you why alcohol worked for me so hard I'm going to tell you just this one story to lead into what alcohol did for me that caused me to drink until it destroyed everything in my life and stripped me of human dignity. Somewhere out here nine years old I'm at home and I'm looking in the mirror and I'm thinking to myself brother it's too bad pal this is going to be a wrong life this is going to be lonely because you are butt ugly pal Now I don't know where that thought came from my mother never sat me down and said you poor little son of a you are so ugly you are so ugly I should have sat in mercy alone and I'd put you back if I could that's not what my mother said but that's what I heard when she said Wayne I love you honey you hear me I have an easy perception I think funny I feel funny I think funny what makes me alcoholic is you take those symptoms The doctor says alcohol puts its all over your action entoid it has a key paragraph in there it says this Why we loved alcohol all too much is because it did allowed me to act extemporaneously and instead BACUS boomeranged on me BACUS is the myth bad skunk is what he was talking about This is is god like what this meant wont big existential Do you know what that means I'm afraid of everything. I feel like a weenie. I'm scared to death of everything. I've got to act like a tough guy. I've got to carry a gun because you scare me. I've got to hurt women. I've got to do it the right way to do it. Because of that, I've done something for me so powerful that it was an illusion in my mind that made me feel normal. And I submit to you if I ever drink again, it's because I've never stopped doing what I'm doing. And I know I'm going to feel like I fit here. I don't feel a part of. I don't sense I belong anymore. And I start trying to be normal out there again. And when that happens, there's a little computer chip going off in my head that's going to sound like this. Right? You know how you think you're ugly? You are. When people sponsor an AA, they talk about you everywhere they go. You don't have to worry who you're with just until somebody else comes along. You're better. Got more money and that's your car. I'm the only friend you've got. Money's better. When that chip kicks in, I submit to you that no power can stop me. I'm going to drink. I had no idea that was alcoholism. Doesn't matter how much you drink, how long you drink, or what you drink when you do drink. The only matter is what alcohol does to me when I do drink. And when I drink alcohol, it produces that effect and I have to have more. Because I don't want to stay in life without that effect. When I took that last drink, I had no idea. I had no idea that you had given me the solution already. I've been coming around here for five years drinking. And yet, because I have a soul sickness, you had reached that because you weren't talking from my head. You see, we share this here. We ain't talking from my head. I'm not here giving a lecture. I'm here sharing my personal experience. And if you're an alcoholic like me, I don't care what you're thinking. I know I'm getting you right here. Because that's where you get me. When the soul hears the music, it'll dance to the tune. You know what the choir is? When we come up here and share our personal experience. Nobody else's experience. I don't want to hear nobody come up here and talk about other people's drinking because I don't believe you. But when you start talking about yourself, you can believe that. And that's why I talk about my drinking. Not my family's drinking. Not my brother's drinking. Not my boss's drinking. My drinking. Because the soul hears the music. It'll start to dance to the tune. That's what happened to me. I started dancing to the tune of Alkmaar's Names. Three weeks over, my sponsor's excited about the fact that I've stayed sober three weeks. It's Thanksgiving 1977. My sponsor's in love with R.A. He's going to take me to a convention. Now, my whole group was about 15 people. All of them over 60, ready to die. And they're excited about this party they're going to have in Rock Island. They got some speakers coming from California. I'm in Illinois. So my sponsor said, you can't go looking like that and smelling like that. We've got to clean you up. That's right. See, after you shoot at your sponsor and you miss, you think he's gone. He owned me. So he says, when would you like to go shopping? And I said, well, I don't know. So he took me to his store, Salvation Army. Said, but you just call it Salvadori. So let me tell you what he bought me. He bought me this wonderful suit. Remember, this is November 1977. The only suit they had that would fit me was this lime green double net polyester. It had yellow lining with green tape. And it had tennis rackets. You got that visual going? Then we went over to the shirt department and I said, Barney, I'm picking out the shirt. And I thought I got me a silk shirt. Found out it was brushed polyester. It had collars down to here. It had animals on it. It was purple. Yellow and green. Then we went over to the underwear. I said, no. I'd bought for the first time. And I went over to the shoe department because he wanted my boots. Because he knows I keep gloves in my boots. So he got me my boots. So the only shoe they had, the 13 and a half inch glove boats that were in supply. Any disco people here? Remember those? The only 13 and a half inch shoe they had in stock at the Salvation Army was these black and brown box toe Oxford 2 and a half inch platform sole with a 6 inch heel. That's all they had. So he bought them. We got out of there for a bucket. He bought them. Then he takes me to this convention where there's 12 people and puts me at the front door and makes me a greeter. Everybody's laughing when he passes by. Now I want to tell you who the AA speakers were in California. There was a guy named Chuck Kimble in there. Had his wife also with him. God, I got to talk to Elsa a long time that weekend. And then a guy named Lorne Elpy. A guy by the name of Johnny H. A guy by the name of Clancy I. A lady by the name of... From North Hollywood, Radford. And a guy from Charlotte, North Carolina named Tom Brady. And those were the people who were willing to give up their weekend just like I was willing to give up my night and come up here. That's not meant for brag or egotism. They gave up their life to come carry the message to a rum-dum fool like me. They're not speakers. They're just members of the AA that are willing to give up their life to get one. I'm glad I knew that. Behind him, I'm standing at the door. I'm being a greeter. People come up. Chuck came up to my sponsor, shook his hand. He looked at me and he goes, I thought I'm going to just choke this dick right out of you. Then he grabs Elsa, calm mother. He had diarrhea of the mouth. Johnny Harris opened up my suit and looked at the tennis rackets and went, Wow. I couldn't take it anymore. When Donnie Shore started laughing, I looked at my sponsor. I said, Bobby, are you laughing at me, God damn it? He goes, yeah. He says, you know what, Donnie? I heard. But yourself, you'll never be left unamused. I want you to give us the first year of your life. Don't go out and be an alcoholism counselor. I thought, how do you know I wanted to do that? I'm not putting that down. It's just I've been through treatment great enough. I left my life, my counselor said I wanted to be one. He says, wait. Wait. Wait a year. He said, don't do nothing except stay sober for a year. Because here's what you're doing. You're building a foundation for the rest of your life. He says, that foundation, God is going to put a house with many rooms. A mansion, if you do it right. He says, because God knows you're going to have many friends in your family with Alcoholics Anonymous, you're going to need a lot of room in that house to bring them in. So you want to build that foundation because there's going to be an emotional storm that's going to rock your boat someday. And if that foundation isn't solid and strong, the house is going to be a mess. If you're going to build it, you are going to drink. Well, I bought it hook, line, sinker. For a year, I did everything. Went to two meetings a day, every day, three on Saturday, four on Sunday. Got a job, worked full-time. Two days a day, three on Saturday, four on Sunday. For a year. And then something happened a year. I came up and got my chip. You know, my home group, the sponsor comes up and says nice things about you. They've got to make it up, but they do. And then he said, now I'm supposed to come up and say something nice about him. I mean, after all, I did love him and saved my life. So Marty comes up and says something nice and sits down, and I come up to give my acceptance speech. See, about a year or so, some way from my chair to the podium, I became a miracle. I'm a miracle. By the time I said my name, I was the miracle. And then I noticed his head there. His head there was a picture of Bill and Bob, and I saw a mouth floating up between them. And then I glanced at my sponsor and realized, what a loser he really was. I mean, I'm sober at ear. He's got 900 years for Christ's sake. But he's a loser. Is that all you are, you old man? Look at me after a year. I'm a miracle. Brought me a new sponsor, you know who? It was myself. I didn't tell him. I just did it. From my second to my seventh year, I did steps 1, 12, and 13. Now wait, ladies. If you're under a year, I could come up to you tonight and ask after I'm done talking. I might even pox you a little bit. Ask where your sponsor is. Say, hey, would you like to go have coffee and talk about God? So after seven years of that, I weigh 146 pounds. I'm more depressed than I've ever been in my life. I've lost my teeth. I know AA don't work. I've been coming to meetings for seven years. AA don't work. So I called the only friend I had left, my psychiatrist. You see, I can't call. I can't talk to him because I've been lying on him for six years right now. I can't call you because I've been lying to you about him. And I've been running around telling all the newcomers not to listen to these old farts. I'm trying to control your life. Make you wear a top. My psychiatrist drew my blood. Do I have time for this? Drew my blood. By the way, this is not an opinion. So don't leave here tonight and say that speaker gave an opinion. This is just my personal experience. He drew my blood and said I had a chemical imbalance and prescribed lipid. And then he told me I needed a drug called amitriptyline, which is a pain blocker. And then he asked me. I brought you a new program for a new antidepressant they're coming out with. It's called Prozac. And I said, yes. The pill has stopped the madness because AA don't work. And I went and I got the prescriptions. I'm on my way to the drugstore. And from nowhere, this thought comes to my mind. This might be a good time to call Barney. I called him. And I told him I thought I might want to talk to him. And Barney says, well, I'll meet you at the maid right. You know, after you've tried to shoot your sponsor, they want to meet you in public for some reason. So I go into the middle of the restaurant. He's right in the center of the restaurant. Everybody cares what's going on. And I take my little bag of pills and set them on the table. And I'm desperate, damn it. And I looked at Barney and I said, Barney, I'm bipolar. He looked at me and he says, I know that. You know what, dummy? That's what I've heard. We've known for a long time you're bipolar. We know you're bipolar. You know what, dummy? One of these days. You're going to be walking down 16th Street and you're going to hear the loudest explosion you've ever heard. It's going to be your head popping right out of your ass. And you won't be bipolar no more. He says, how dare you? You've never worked the AA program. You've never made it your way of life. You've danced the dance of death in AA. And you've taken people with you. You're a typhoid mark. You carry the disease and infect other people with it. He says, I know you don't have a program because you ain't bought one. And paid the price. He says, here's what I suggest. Give us two years of your life. Now, see, the first time it was wrong. They get green. He says, put them pills on the shelf. I think you have spiritual depression linked to the fact you don't work a program. But we'll never know if you take them. He says, here's what you do. You do what we need you for the next two years. If you're still depressed like that, I'll go with you to the doctor. Gave me his word. So I put the pills on the shelf and never took them. And I challenged him. And for the next two years, I did a rigorous program you can't believe. And guess what happened? I worked the steps out of the big book. Used a 12 and 12 for amplification of my emotional predisposition to the spiritual maladjustment. And at the end of two years, I weighed 242 pounds. I had a new set of store-bought teeth and I cared about it. And my depression was gone. And to this very day, 21 years, 11 months, and 27 days, I haven't had depression. I've had the ups and downs of life. And I know it's because... Because I come and do what I'm supposed to do right here. Thank God I called my sponsor and didn't listen to a... Don't tell me that my sponsor doesn't know what he's talking about. Now, I'm not telling anybody to go off medication. Don't go out here and say that's it. I'm talking about this alcohol only. But if you identify with my symptoms... My time's up. Let me share this with you. I had a dream. You know what my dream was? I wanted to be a police officer. That's a hell of a dream when you've been arrested twice for attempting to... with murder. You've been arrested nine times for domestic violence. And you want to be a cop. See, in Iowa, they call that good experience. I don't know if I'm good at that story, but if you're new and you have a dream, I'm going to tell you what my sponsor told me. He says, you have to try to make your dream. Because one day you're going to wake up old and weathered, and you're going to always torment your soul with, why didn't I try? He says, try and fail. If you fail, that means God has something better for you. Go a different direction. He said, but you've got to try. And so I followed my sponsor's direction. I got my record expunged. So I did that. I had to poke, and I poked on the shit off of him. I don't have time to tell you the whole story. But I got hired. I had to take out the aftertests. I had to take me on my MPI. You know what it says? It says I'm a bit rigid. It says I'm an alcoholic. But I'm not a psychopath. I had no idea what was happening to me, folks. And I went to the academy. I graduated fourth in my class. I called my sponsor, Barney. Hey, I'm going to graduate. Will you bring the people? And he said, we'll be... He cried. And I said, Barney, they gave me my gun. He said, oh, shit. Don't tell anybody that right there. So I'm graduating. I'm getting sworn in. I'm going to get my badge pinned on. I'm so proud. I can't stand it. I'm proud of you because you allowed me to do that. And all these public citizens, all these families and good-looking people. Here's Wayne's world. And life was good. I want to tell you a little bit about... Just take a couple minutes, I promise. I think it's important. I got engaged, may I? To the woman I love more than anything in the world. Tears could go on. I was a police officer and kept her out of prison. She was charged with a third felony DUI. And because she'd done something nice for me, I returned the favor and kept her out of prison. Don't worry about it. I had to keep it a secret because if the court would have known what I thought, they would have put her away. And last May 8th, we got to consummate that. I got to get engaged to her. That went by a rock. Glad I got that back. Sent out 400-signature date cards. Never been happy in my life for a month. And then June 15th, she gave me my ring back and went back to Rex with her friend. That's not meant, but that's not to put down. She loves him. I didn't know she was rebounding. Put down her ex-boyfriend. And I'm not going to say a bad thing about her. I don't know. I don't believe we can use the podium as a slaughterhouse. Just because we don't make it doesn't mean somebody's done something wrong. It just means we don't make it. So let's treat the podium with respect. But I called my sponsor up, and thank God I still got a sponsor after 21 years. I said, Clancy, I can't breathe. Now, if any macho guys can't hang with this, it'll happen to you someday, too. I said, Clancy, I can't breathe. I said, what's the matter with me, Clancy? He says, you've got a broken heart. I said, really? I didn't know what was wrong with me. You ever had a broken heart? Of course you have. I couldn't breathe. And I said, what do I do, Clancy? He said, now you know the tragedy of Alphonse Normans. I said, what's that? He said, there's no step to work to amend a broken heart. You've got a lot of evidence to keep your mind occupied. And so I do. And now we're into November. I'm about to take a 22-year kick about a month and a half. And I still have a broken heart. I think that womb's the best thing ever happened to me. That I'm going to let us be together. So I've accepted that and moved on. My all-around friend, Carol, helped me a great deal. My sponsor's wife, Charlotte, who's a wonderful all-around, helped me through it. Because I'm not afraid to ask for help. And now I've learned that I have a heart to break. Do you hear the music? Now I know I have the ability to love. So I love again. I mean, I like groups. I love again. I'm a baseball player. I'm going to play. Well, I'm going to be 50 years old in three weeks. I think I look pretty damn good for 50 years old. Hey, doing good. I'm not asking for your opinion. Thank you for your patience. I'm glad you let me share that. Because I think it's important that we know that we're going to get our emotional boat rocked. But because I've had a good foundation, because I've not cut any of my commitments at all, because I've kept on firing around in life, I got to experience a broken heart. Now when I fall in love again, it'll be even more precious to me. Thanks for letting me share.