The Ism Stays After the Alcohol Goes – Barb C.

A reminder that if we have someone at their first, second, or third meeting, if you're called to participate, please take a moment to share what it used to be like and what you did to get sober. And with that, please join me in giving a warm welcome to Barbara. Thanks, Curtis. My name's Barbara. I'm an alcoholic. Glad to see everyone here. It's nice to be amongst my people. on the planet earth amongst the earth people where i do not feel a part of it's always nice to come to the rooms of alcoholics anonymous and feel like i'm a part of something that i identify with um thanks for asking me to share um i tried calling my sponsor on the way here for some words of wisdom and and maybe for her to inspire me on a topic and and then i remembered that i've got this big book book that's shocked full of stuff. So I also asked my husband beforehand, and so I came up with something, and it's something you've all heard of, and there will be no surprise, but it's out of the big book, which is where my text comes for learning about my disease. I have alcoholism, and although I haven't drank any alcohol since August 16th, 1992, I'm still an alcoholic. alcoholic. The alcohol has been removed from my body, but I still have the ism, as they say. I still can feel different than apart from and not good enough. And when I feel that way, I can get very edgy and misbehave, so to speak. And in some really marvelously immature ways, it is really embarrassing where I can go to. What I have found is when I stay in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous and what that means for me is, and it's taken me a while to get to this point, but this is what I do. I roll out of bed every morning and I hit my knees. This is what I do, by the way. Whatever you do to stay sober is your business, but this ist what works for me. I'm an alcoholic. And I ask God to help me stay clean and sober. I say clean and sober because although I tried some drugs and I found them to get me high. I hate being high. Talk about powerless. That's no fun. I like being right there, and that's where alcohol took me no matter what. Sometimes I overshot the mark and I went right there and puked on it, but I always like to be right there. But I hit my knees and I asked God to help me stay clean and sober because I've known a lot of alcoholics who have put drugs into their body and for whatever reason their head told them that, hey, that's no big deal, and they started drinking again or the phenomenon of craving was kicked in or what have you. And then I do meditation where I sit and I breathe in and out, and I try to listen. My prayer involves a lot more stuff than what I just told you, but you don't need to know about all the stuff I think the world needs. But basically the prayer is about me and fix me and help me and let me be of service. And I'll tell you, be careful what you pray for because the big kahuna's listening. And everything that I've ever prayed for, I've gotten tenfold in Alcoholics Anonymous in such a strange, strange way. And I do meditation, and I don't do that perfectly because there's no perfect way to do it. I don'T even know what perfect is. I DON'T even KNOW what that looks like. I DON't even know why we have that word in the English language, quite frankly. And then, you know, I have sponsees, and I have a sponsor, and I'm in contact with all those people, and they're in contact avec me. And I go to meetings, andI have a home group, and I goto those meetings consistently, and I show up, andi have service positions. positions, and if I can't do a service position consistently, then I don't take a service position because it's a commitment. You commit to doing it. Isn't that, that's marvelous. I love when people say, I'll do that, and you never see them again. It's like, what was that? I don'T know what that is. If you said, will you do this and $1,000 involved each time, believe you me, bada-bing, they'd be there, I'm sure of it. And I do all these things not because I'm trying to be some little St. Barbara or because when I call my mom she's proud of the fact that you know I'm sober I do this because as an alcoholic I can be comfortable in the world and I'm comfortable in my own skin and what that used to look like the opposite of that was a little girl that always felt like she was on the outside of everything and I from my most recent my furthest back memories of childhood I could not be comfortable my own skin. I was paralyzed with shyness. I would throw fits if my mom would suggest that I introduce myself to another little girl in the playground or interact with kids in my class. Show and tell, I would break out in a cold sweat and I never brought anything. One time I brought a silver dollar and practically whittled it down to a dime because I was going to show and tell and never went up and showed my silver dollar. And then I had total shame and regret and remorse and what's wrong with me and why couldn't it be a part of and how these other kids did it with impunity and geez you know and I was like five six and you know, and I just never felt comfortable ever ever and you know I used to look at the world and I swear everyone else looked like they were skipping and they were laughing and they were comfortable and and I right statistically give or take about nine out of ten people were. And you know about nine out of 10 were skipping And I was comparing how I felt inside to the earth people's outsides, as I say. And I'm not saying those people don't have a whole lot of stuff going on that isn't right with them, but they are not alcoholic. They don'thave alcoholism. And I believe I was born this way. I've always felt this way, and when I was 16, right before I turned, got into my teen years, my mom got rid of my alcoholic father, and that was supposed to cure our family of the chaos. And then puberty hit, and then I found alcohol. And I was at a wedding reception where there was a lot of really popular kids. This really popular kid's sister got married, I think, and all the young people were at this table, and people poured, somehow someone got beer for us. We always manage, don't we? Always manage to get our alcohol. And it was just a beautiful, lovely, sexy, amber-colored glass of beer. and I gulped down a bunch of my mom was across the room and I knew that was a no-no and I hear glass chinkling, tingling, whatever the word is when I hear ice in a glass I break out in a sweat and I'm not kidding because that means my dad's coming around and shit's going to hit the fan I get anxious because my dad is an alcoholic and one time I hit his glass in the cookie jar on top of the refrigerator And for the rest of my young life, that man came after me when he misplaced his drink. And he misplaces it a lot, you know, and God bless him, you now. You know, I'll tell you what, I can find anything now. I got a homing device that won't stop because, you got to stay under the radar in that environment. I put that beer in me and the room went from being a hostile environment to a very safe environment, to an environment where I felt on the outside, to an environment where I felt part of and where I had felt not popular enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough. All those things shifted to the opposite. Now, I didn't sit there and consciously know that that's what was happening. But what it went from was this shoulders up to shoulders down. And alcohol did that for me. I mean, that's what alcohol does for me and I've been told it doesn't do that for non-alcoholics. It's not to say that it doesn'T give them some comfort and maybe some social lubricant but what it did for me is it made me feel the way all those other kids looked like they felt. And I went after that feeling for the next 12 years, and I managed to do what a lot of alcoholics manage to do. I mean, you know, I graduated high school. Some do, some don't. It's neither here nor there. It doesn't mean you are or not an alcoholic. I went to college. I graduated college. I, you Know, went out into the workforce and thought I deserved better jobs than I was qualified for and lied about jobs, you know, and kicked right into a life of becoming the first female president. And I just cracked up when it talks about that in the big book, you now. Like normal people might aspire to that, but when they grow up they realize that, younow, you get a job and you grow up and you pay your bills. And I was just like, no, no ,no, I'm the exception. I'mtheexception. And so more on the journey of that, in college I met a guy who was horrible drunk and in comparison to him I had no drinking problems at all throwing up in your hair every other weekend you know is is not a problem when you're blackout daily blackout drunk and this guy I dated him but you know he just he was annoying he snored at night because he was so drunk and he would push me out of bed and I would end up sleeping in my bean bag and he's sitting right there so he can vouch for it and you know and and I adored this guy but his alcoholism was as awful and destructive and heartbreaking as my dad's and I'd always made a promise to myself that wouldn't marry Mary I ended up marrying this guy, but I wouldn't get involved with my dad Freudian I'm sorry Freudian. So you know in any way he did a weird thing he He disappeared for a little while and he came back to school and he was sober, which to me translated as boring, boring. And so we would like play tennis and drink big gulps and criticize people's haircuts and clothing styles and bond and talk about what a drunk my dad was. And at six months of his sobriety I graduated college and moved to California. And I stayed in touch with this young man and bear in mind this person used to come come to parties, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that when people would see him, people would leave because this was an obnoxious, horrible, disgusting drunk. And he was easy on the eyes, heavy on the heart. That's what I used to always say. And I would over the phone hear that this young man had – he was changing. Things were changing. And his life was starting to grow the way that a life does when it's not being destroyed by alcohol. And my life, on the other hand, with bachelor's degree and moving to sunny Southern California was going down the tubes. And I was picking violent relationships, and I couldn't keep jobs, and I was miserable in my finances. I was basically living paycheck to paycheck, and I had a really strong value system, kind of square you might say, and those things were slowly incrementally breaching in to where I would have nothing left to say that I had of my value system. And basically what was happening is my soul was being completely shut off, and I was dying. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was him. It was the job. It was, you know, what have you. And anyway, at some point, I was in a really awful relationship with a guy who had hair longer than mine and who spent more time on his pretty face than I spent on mine, and he was just a disgusting example of what a Hollywood weirdo can turn into to. And just remarkable what happens down there. Curtis knows he lived down there and we used to party in the same places. And, you know, and I had just gotten myself into quite a pickle. And if you looked at my life from the outside, you finally would start to see it was starting to look as bad as how I felt. It was all starting to kind of align. And it's interesting how that happens. And somewhere in there, that guy from college called me and he said, I'm going to be around around the neighborhood and, you know, let's just, you know, go do lunch. And I was like, okay, you know? It's like, oh my gosh, you know, he still likes me. And, you know, and for some reason this guy, he said the first time he met me, he loved me. He had fallen in love with me and it's kind of a funny little, you know, a true romance in many respects. And we, I actually got an afternoon away from this predatorial, freaky, long-haired Hollywood thing that I was was living with and uh went down to the beach communities to hang with one of my friends and i went to taco bell with my friend chris and on the way to uh the beach um he turned to me and we talked about a lot of stuff but the only thing i remember that day is he said god barb you know you deserve to be happy and in my heart i just wasn't happy and i didn't know what that was and and so you know i thought i do i don't know if i'd ever heard that or registered that what does does that look like how do you do that what and uh and my brain thought and you're the one that's gonna do it you know so and you know i mean i didn't consciously but i was like um i love you you know it just was totally smitten by this guy because what had happened is this drunk had turned into this incredible human being because he was five and a half sober five and half years sober and alcoholics anonymous and um and so i left the the long-haired hottie and and and i moved to back to Oregon. And what happened was this horrible environment that I had in Southern California, it was very volatile and just awful. I brought it with me because you see, wherever there's a problem in my life, the common denominator is me. I bought me with me. And I brought some chaos into our relationship. And the cops were called and stuff like that. No big deal. That's normal. My mom has that happen all the time. You know, it's like, that's just not normal. They They actually come to your door, you know. And he used to always say I jumped from a moving car, but I actually threatened to jump from the car as he was driving at about four miles an hour. So theatrics, you now. And one time we got in a fight and he kind of gestured his finger toward me. I said, oh, you hit me, and I flew across the bed, you known. And for years he'd say, I didn't even touch you. I'm like, you're a liar. You're abusive, you known. I mean, you kow. And to me that's alcoholism. I mean that's delusional. What is that? That's absurd. And, you know, and I get newcomers that I sponsor, and they tell me, oh, geez. You know, and then two years later, they're like, you remember that stuff I told you? All lies. It's all lies. And I understand that. But this guy, he saved my life. And what he said one night, well, when I moved here, I said, I'm not going to drink anymore. I'm just going to swear it off. That's no big deal because you don't drink, I'm nothing to drink because drinking is not a problem for me. And he said to me one night after a particularly volatile encounter, he actually ate the last of a giant Hershey bar cigar that I had. I think that might have been that night, and you don't do that with me. I'm an only child, and I'm possessive, and it's candy, and there's alcohol, and then there's candy for me, and that's how that works, and, and i had sworn off drinking, andI'll tell you what, you know, that's all I had, andthat's, I was actually getting some relief from, you know,, and when I got sober, I weighed 50 pounds less than I weigh now. I mean, I just, well, it was, you know., and that'S what happens if you don'T work your program, man. I'll tell you're going to find a way to, you know, to survive. And he said to me at about 2.30 in the morning or something, he said, oh my God, if you were to drink again, you know you've sworn off drinking, bravo, you know we're having so much fun. If you were, you start, you drink again what would you do? And I said, Oh, I'd go down to Santa Fe and have a double shot Coral Gold with the beer back and then I'd got down to the Mission Theater and I'd get a quart of dark beer and you know we'd go from there. And now, mind you, I couldn't find my way to the grocery store. When we moved after living there for eight months, I couldn'T even get to the Grocery Store. We moved our entire apartment in paper grocery bags because I was too afraid, for one thing, to ask them if I could have boxes because what if they didn't? How embarrassing, you know? I mean, what... You know, I just was paralyzed, paralyzed. And he said, well, what would your mom do? And I said, my mom, she'd probably order some funky little sweet drink and sip on it and, you know, I'm not an alcoholic. And when she puts alcohol in her, it makes her kind of sleepy. She says, it made you kind of sleepy, so I just don't drink it. You know, and I'm like, I don't even know what that is. I can't fathom. When you put alcohol in me, the game is on. I actually feel exhilarated. I actually feels like I'm invigorated. It just feeds my soul. It fills every single nook and cranny. It is the God hole filled. It doesn't stay that way, and a bunch of other crap comes in, but it gets it done. and he's a what would your dad do and my dad says that he's an alcoholic and so you know and I said oh my dad well she swore after and he'd probably go down to Santa Fe have double-shot Coral Gold and then head to the Mission Theater and you know whatever and I stopped short and I looked at Chris and I said oh oh my god am i an alcoholic it had never ever occurred to me everyone in my family is dead from this disease everyone's lost their professions everyone's loss their marriages everyone has lost their soul everyone's lost their homes. Everyone has lost everything from this disease, and I didn't understand that that involved alcohol and alcoholism, and he said, I can't tell you that. It's a self-diagnosed disease, so I called up the hotline, and they said, what would you like to do? Very old man, and i said, i would like to drink, and she said, why don't you go to to a meeting tomorrow of Alcoholics Anonymous and I went to my first meeting and I sat in those rooms and you people, you alcoholics welcomed me and you recognized me as one of your own and I had never felt so at home in my entire life. In a nutshell, I haven't done this program perfectly. I have done the steps. I continue to do the steps I fought with having a sponsor and that was not a good idea but I didn't fight meetings. I've always loved the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous I am completely in love with my recovery. This is the best life I could ever imagine having. I don't understand how a girl like me can get from, you know, living next to the Hollywood Bowl in Hollywood, California, completely and utterly bankrupt spiritually, emotionally, physically, in every possible way, and how she can stand here today and really feel like today when it was sunny just to breathe it in and to look around, and I honestly breathe in my life. I consume my life every moment, and I can't believe this is me. I can'T believe it. You know, in my recovery, I have had and still have a husband. We'll celebrate 13 years of marriage next month. I have two dogs, which is just remarkable. I was the kind of person that just ignored animals or was so afraid of dogs that if I heard one in the distance, I'd start to panic and weep because I was, they're coming after me. I just, no real reason, just, you know, I'm the center of the universe and they're coming after me. You know, just delusional things. And by the way, that was on my inventory, fear of dogs. And I worked the steps around it and I own two beautiful dogs. One of them is tattooed on my back, and that is amazing, permanently until I die. And, you Know, I have walked through tons of health problems. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis two months ago. And I've been very sick for three and a half years. and, you know, I'm relieved to know what's wrong with me. It's not going to kill me. You're not going get rid of me that easily. Sorry, those of you that don't like me. I'm staying. And, you know, the bottom line is that you don't have to drink through any of it ever. There's absolutely no excuse. None. Zip. I've tried them all. There's no reason to drink. If you found these rooms, you are a big fat miracle. You are an incredible miracle. And to dick around with this is asinine. It is totally refundable out there. It's a nightmare, and I've sponsored several gals that have gone back out just to put their toe in the water just to see is it maybe warm, and they are miserable. I mean, I don't know. I went to the psych ward, and she tried to kill herself. I don'T know. Is that miserable? You know, I DON'T know to me. That's miserable. I think that's, you know, saying maybe it doesn't work out there anymore. Is it miserable to lose your children? I'M not sure. I think it is. You know I'M NOT sure or to go through divorce. Of course, someone before the meeting tonight, Mark, said, you know, I don't want to try it out there anymore. I don'T want to have to try to get my life back again. Everything that I have that is amazing I got through Alcoholics Anonymous, everything, you know, and if you don't know what that is, stick around because there's people nodding and they do know, so it didn't just happen for me. I'd like the topic tonight to be, and those of you that know me will giggle, identification identification because I'm all about identification because the fact is that I was a little long-haired, brown-eyed alien out there and it almost killed me. And when I came in here, you guys just looked right at me and said, oh, sweetheart, please. I didn't just do that. I did that five times with peanut butter on my ass and a hat on my head that stuck up to the head. You know, you guy's are like, you're not unique. You're not uniques. You're unique at all, you know? And I was like, okay, too much information, but thank you. you. But what I love, the big book sums it all up, so I'll quit yabbering in my funky tongue and read it directly from the text. It says, we are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck when camaraderie, joyousness, and democracy pervade the vessel from steerage to captain's table. Unlike the feelings of the ship's passenger, however, our joy and escape from disaster does not subside as we go our individual ways. The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which bonds us. And then it goes on to say, in this same chapter, and God, I just love this, it says, but the ex-problem drinker who has found the solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours. I mean, can you believe that? I don't know about you guys, but nobody, there was church people that were trying, and therapists, and school counselors, and my mommy and my daddy and my friends and you name it they were trying to to communicate with me and I couldn't hear it I couldn t hear it you guys say oh you know what Barb I totally understand that and I'm like I'm no longer unique and it says in here until such an understanding is reached little or nothing can be accomplished it says that the man who is making the approach has had the same difficulty that he obviously knows what he is talking about that his whole The whole department shouts at the new prospect that he is a man with a real answer, that he has no attitude of holier than thou. And I swear that saved my life in here because you guys aren't righteous and you're not pushing any kind of religion, nothing down my throat. Do you want sobriety? Yes, I do. Do you wanna know how to do it? Yes,I do. Follow me. Follow you. Yeah, this is how I suggest it. Follow you, you're gonna push me ahead of you, poke and prod me, demean me, punish me, tell me what to do. No, if you want it, follow me. If you don't, someone else will. It says nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful, that there are no fees to pay, no access to grind, no people to please, no lectures to be endured. These are the conditions we have found most effective. After such an approach, many take up their beds and walk again. And for me, that meant that the sunlight of the spirit found my black little tiny raisin of a soul, and she grew. She grew back. That is refundable. Your soul doesn't disappear. It just gets blocked off from the light. And lastly, and then I'll shut up, it talks about a man in here, and it says two of the members of Alcoholics Anonymous came to see me. They grinned, which I didn't like too much, and then asked me if I thought myself alcoholic and if I really licked this time. I had to concede both propositions. They piled on me heaps of evidence to the effect that an alcoholic mentality, such as I had exhibited, was a hopeless condition. condition they cited cases out of their own experience by the dozen it says this process snuffed out the last flicker of conviction that i could do the job myself identification you know i understand that we have anda i did anda i got all sorts of stuff i could come in here and say i'm barbara an alcoholic and i have ms and you need to hear about ms is there one person in here that gives a rat's ass about mss saving their life maybe one of you and we'll talk later but that is not appropriate right now alcoholism you probably showed up tonight because this is an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and we talked about alcoholism here and I understand that we have other stuff but I'm not going to come in here and hope that there's an off chance that one person will identify with MS when I know everyone in here is going to identify with alcoholism and that's my responsibility as a member of Alcoholics anonymous and there are other organizations and other 12-step groups that identify and address the other stuff and that's phenomenal but in Alcoholics Anonymous we do alcoholism so let's rock let's stay sober thanks for letting me be of service