The Internal Job Of Releasing The Need To Control The Outcome – Earl H.

Go on, welcome in. Earl Hysel. Hi, my name is Earl. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, everybody. It is an honor and a privilege to be here. I want to thank our emcee. I love this guy. I do. I don't understand a word he says, but it's beautiful. I want to wish he'd come to California and come to our meetings and just start them all. It's just great. The guys I sponsor would say probably, what is he saying? I said, what does it matter? You don't understand when they're talking in English, right? It doesn't matter. So, I want to thank the people that I've met here so far, every one of them. I want to thank Siggy for coming to the airport and getting us and taking such good care of us and making all sorts of arrangements for us, and Sola for bringing us into her home and feeding us and taking care of us, and Elle and, God, just Thor and so many people that we've met that have just been... So kind. And I think that that's the highest compliment that I can pay anyone, is that they are kind. It's a strange, crazy world, you know? And there's a short supply of kindness. It's just a very touching thing. This has been kind of an overwhelming day for me. Since I've been here, I've slept about, you know, 40 minutes in the last four days. And it seems like I'm physically exhausted, but I'm also emotionally overwhelmed. But at the same time, I've been very, very active and committed in Alcoholics Anonymous from the day that I got here. Because for me, it was very simply live or die. There was nothing else left to do. In my case, it was actually... The only thing I didn't do out there was stay dead. I actually did die at one point. I did not stay dead, however. I've been uncooperative for most of my life. But to... So I've been very, very active and have embraced this program to the best of my ability. To my ability for quite a while now. And to come here... I've been holding back tears all day. Just as I... Because, of course, I'm a man and I shouldn't cry publicly. Though I seem to often these days. To be in your company. To be in this country. And to be with you people. And to see this passion for Alcoholics Anonymous. To see this... To see it so alive is... I have nothing here to... I have questions. It's just... It's an over... Thank you. We'll be needing more of these probably. It's just been an overwhelmingly wonderful, soulful experience. Touches my soul. So, 10, 11, and 12. I mean, just kind of to like pull it all together. Step one is what's the problem? Lack of power is my dilemma. If that is my problem, what is my solution? Step two. Thank you. A power greater than myself. If it could restore me to sanity, soundness of mind. Relieve me of the obsession to drink. The thing that keeps me from being comfortable sober. I had been comfortable in my life and I had been sober in my life. But I had never been both at the same time. To bring these together seemed to be an unreasonable goal. It seemed unreasonable to me. If I could just not go back into the madness, this would be a deal that I would take. But the idea to walk the earth a free man. To be comfortable sober. I mean, I suffer from an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind. I kick and I come to AA. And I think like most... Alcoholics, I'm better now. I'm no longer... I'm in the throes of a physical phenomenon of craving. Yet the greater aspect of my disease is instilled with full effect. The obsession of the mind. In the book it says the persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many of us pursue it to the gates of insanity and death. I am a gate guy. I go right to the gates. I've been in mental institutions. I've been tagged. I've had a toe tag on. Dead boy. And if I... For me, it's not about stopping drinking and using. It's how do I stay stopped. The only way I can stay stopped... And allow the process... The process of recovery to become the process of my life is if I can get comfortable sober. The only way to be comfortable sober is to be relieved of the obsessive nature of my mind. The persistence of this idea that I can drink like a normal man. This idea, this insane notion that suggests to me that I can have a couple of drinks. In the face of 16 years of insanity, I can have a couple of drinks. So this solution is a remarkable, hopeful thing for me in step two. Step three, I simply make a decision to do something about this information. Four through nine. Four and five is me. Six and seven is God. And eight and nine is you. There's no one else to play with. Right? I do the work. I clean my side of the street first. I look at me. It's an interesting thing that if I want to... If I choose this as a path, this process of recovery, if I choose to walk this path before me, I engage in this journey with the understanding that there is no... It's not about the destination. It is not about the destination. It is about the journey. It is about the path that I walk. That process. Being a person is all about immediate gratification. I want to get high now. How much would you like? How much? Do you have? May I have it all now? Right? To be in this process is a startling new way of life. I have to find a way to relieve myself of this mental state, which is the purpose of the steps. The promise of step two that I can be restored to sanity. First, I must look at where I am. If I call somebody up and say, I want to get to the Alano Club. I'm lost and I want to get to the Alano Club. What's the first thing they will ask me? Well, where are you now? They cannot tell me how to get from where I am to there until we first determine where I am right now. That's what the steps do. First, first, where are you now? Step four and five. Where am I now? What is the current nature of the way I engage in the world? What is it with these resentments, this sexual behavior, these fears, the presence of these defects of character that run my life? I am a self-centered, frightened man. And in the 12 and 12 in step seven, second to last page, it says... I love doing that. Right there, that little thing I did with a particular page. It's very rare with me. It says, and I paraphrase, self-centered fear is the chief activator of all my defects of character. Either I'm afraid I'm not going to get something I want or I'm going to lose something that I have. And this stirs, this fear stirs up all of this attempting to control and manipulate and manage the world around me so that I can then experience some level of peace. Of course, missing the point completely that the peace that I need and that I must find for myself is not out there. It's in here. And that's why this is an inside job. This journey that we do, we go within. And it begins in the action steps in four and five. I look at me. Where am I now? Having established that and the obvious, these defects of character, having developed, begun an honest relationship with self, I then look to God in six and seven to remove these defects of character because I ask God to remove them because I will remove the wrong things. I'm particularly enjoying this defect of character. You may have this. I like this. We'll talk in a week. Maybe we'll swap. You know what I mean? Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. Eight and nine. And having done that, as Doug talked about, the promises are at this point and all of these remarkable things seem to happen. And those promises, that was a very interesting part of the process for me because as I read through these promises, as I'm deciding whether or not this is in fact going to work for someone as damaged as I am, I had a therapist tell me prior to getting sober that she couldn't help me because I was damaged beyond repair I did not find that particularly therapeutic one of the promises was you will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door upon it and I said stop right there that can't happen for someone like me if you have lived the life that I have lived if you have done the things that I have done you would know that I will always regret my past I will always wish to shut the door upon certain aspects of my past and you know what this ANA thing you got here sounds good best things come across my path so far and I'd love to do this but let's just take that promise and take it off the table because I'll take the deal without it keep that promise and I'll take what's left because I don't want to get to that point in this process knowing that can't happen for someone like me I don't want to get there have that not happen resent you all so significantly for that for leading me to believe that something like that can happen to a person like me and have that resentment fester within me and then I'm going to go out and die so let's just take it off the table now so that I don't have to face that later on and they of course did what they usually did which was they said thank you for sharing oh no let's just move on ignored me completely and I'm here to say that it has in fact come true for me I do not regret my past nor do I wish to shut the door upon it and that is beyond my wildest dreams bye I'll talk more about that tonight but the in 10 having completed the nine steps the first nine steps in 10 it says continue to take personal inventory and when wrong promptly admit it it was at this point that I realized well apparently I'm not done with everything that's come before the fact that I've cleaned it up the fact that I've looked at it the fact that taking these actions has created a change in my life it has done it has changed me I'm beginning to function differently than I did before I'm beginning to see it coming and change my behavior and not create more information for the fourth step necessarily it's slowing down but the fact is I've really only just scratched the surface I've scratched the surface there are worlds within worlds here this thing goes as deep as you want to go with it and I had scratched the surface and what 10, 11, and 12 suggested to me is please continue please continue do not stop continue to grow continue to change and I thought what do they want from me here you know I mean good lord I mean I'm one of those guys that the financial amends for me I looked at the financial amends I had when I got here and I thought to myself I've got to get married soon and begin having children so that I can then pass the remainder of my debt onto them when I die because there's this is going to become a generational thing paying off my debt it was just so insanely huge and I did just as Doug suggested we do I began writing little checks and having conversations and making amends and little checks going out and when that one got paid off you know that 10 bucks off of that got popped onto that one and then that one and then it just started to really move you know and as I stayed sober oddly enough I became surprisingly employable and jobs got better and better and I was making more money and paying off more debt and when confronted with huge debt when confronted with seemingly hopeless odds right I went to my sponsor and I said you know I'm willing but this can't be done there's no way I can successfully complete this it blocks me from even beginning and he asked me one simple question he said how free do you want to be how free do you want to be and I said I want the big buzz here man I want to be free and he said then begin then begin again the path the journey begin become the person who pays his debts as opposed to the person who figures out a way not to who makes it about them or that or this or the other thing just become the person who pays his debts if you owe a million dollars and you've got two dollars in your pocket and you give one dollar to that individual to say now I only owe you a string of nines that is true isn't it and the action of addressing has taken place I don't think the universe particularly distinguishes between ten cents or ten thousand dollars you owe what you pay you take the action of engaging in the process and you take the action of engaging in the process you are in the process and the degree that you can commit to that is the degree that the freedom comes that was my experience Tan says to me I continue to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong promptly admit it the assumption there is is that I will be wrong that I'm going to screw up I am a flawed man I stand before you a a a , horribly flawed man right who is on a process who is growing and healing and changing and doing the best that he can along the way that's who I am that is who I am I'm not I mean we are not saints the point is we are willing to grow along spiritual lines demonstrating the willingness to grow along spiritual lines I am terrified of flying not bothered by it not mildly disturbed not uncomfortable with it terrified I am a terrified flyer plane leaves the ground and I believe my first thought is um this is wrong it's wrong I don't think God planned on little metal cylinders with jets strapped to them just careening across the skies all together with a bunch of people who don't seem to understand because they're all flying as you can see flies sitting next to me on a fly is an interesting experience it's by the time we land I will have you terrified you will understand what's actually going on here and I do that why on earth would I do that I get to demonstrate on a regular basis that I'm willing to go to any lengths because I love Alcoholics Anonymous and I love the gifts that have been given to me as a result of this so I get off planes shaky but humbled by the experience that this is what God has chosen for me I'm not you know some people like Doug said Doug loves it up here Doug gets up here and he's happy and he's so comfortable he's just great right loves it up here I'm one of the ones that doesn't like this I have never liked this I do it all the time but I don't it's not my idea of a good time I I I never said a word in Alcoholics Anonymous for the first two and a half years that I was here I didn't say a word I did not share I did not do any of that I had a sponsor I took direction I had commitments I cleaned up meetings but I did not share in Alcoholics Anonymous because I was afraid if I told you who I was you would send me away because you looked like reasonable people and that's what reasonable people would do you go how wrong I was yet again um so and the only reason that I did share is that my sponsor directed me to do so and uh it's turned into this somehow you know it's very strange to me every time I get up Carl laughs at me because he says every time I get up there's another friend who says the same thing listen if you listen to the tapes of me when I get up the first thing you hear is and usually Carl says they put my hands on my face like how did this happen um it wasn't my idea Ken I must continue to take personal inventory and when wrong promptly admit it I am going to screw up I am going to I have every defective character right now standing before you I have every defective character I had when I got here here's the difference in the beginning I was at the mercy of them I did not know how long they would last or how how deep I would dive into the defect if I woke up and was slothful feeling slothful lazy and didn't want to go to work I didn't go to work you know I was like I wonder what's going to happen because of this you know apparently I'm going to be at home today I have nothing to say about this it's just I was in charge you know wake up in the morning lustful like uh oh God only knows what's going to happen now now I may experience those same things but I am no longer at the mercy of them as a result of the steps I have tools that I can use to address this I do not stay in the defect as long and I don't go as deep sometimes it's just a blink of an eye it's just a flickering it's just a breath and then it's gone other times it will get a hold of me for a little while and then I'll become aware of it because consciousness expands as you come here as you participate and as you take these actions and you change and I become aware of it and I can stop myself and make direct amends right I can stop myself and apologize I can correct the behavior I can stop in the middle of a sentence and go you know what that was crap I'm going to start over again now right people in the A go cool normal people are a little troubled by that when you how many personalities aren't there in front of us today but I can move forward I can move forward how free do I want to be do I wish to be restored to sanity soundness of mind relieved of the obsession to drink and use so that I can be comfortable sober and walk the earth a free man this is what I want can I find a way to bring passion to my life because when I got here I was a hopeless man who was dying I was soulless I was dark and I was alone how can I come back and re-engage the human race a God have some acceptance of self and move through this life how can I have that 10, 11, and 12 allow me to continue in this process 11 I seek God I don't sit at home waiting for God to call show yourself to me and then I will believe bad game bad plan right I seek God how through prayer and meditation what do I pray for knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out period that's me I pray for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out I figure anything else minimizes that that's what I need to pray for and I find it interesting you know I'm not one of these that believes that God hears my prayers I'm pretty sure that God is not some anthropomorphic being up in the sky and when Earl hits his knees and begins to pray God says excuse me hold on a minute Earl's praying I gotta get this this is usually rather fascinating hold on I'm gonna don't think that's happening I think that I don't pray so that God will hear my prayers I pray so that I will hear them so that I will be God knows my prayers before I say them God knows the prayer I will say tomorrow before I was born God that's God's not in my image okay see I pray so that I can hear these words that I turn my will and my life over to this power greater than myself and I hear my own voice speak these words I hear myself being framed up into framing my mind my consciousness my heart my soul so that I might go forward and do good works rather than Earl's works that I might find a way to get myself out of the way so that I can be of maximum service to God and my fellows because I don't have anyone else to play with and I have in my life I had renounced God a long time ago and was very righteous in the anger that brought that about I had renounced any connection to other human beings and felt very very justified and I can explain to you here's the facts folks this is what happened and most people in the face of that would say go ahead and feel the way you want to feel they'd just back off me there was really no debating it with me because I've lived an extreme life and what that left me was right and alone utterly completely alone so when I opened myself and my heart up to God to pray for knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out I positioned myself in the universe in a completely different way and who needs to be aware of that conscious of that on a daily basis is me who needs to be reminded of that daily is me there are steps in the book in how to begin the day and end the day my sponsor I went to my sponsor the late great Donald Madden I went to my sponsor I went to my sponsor I went to my sponsor I will say his name repeatedly while I am here and cry half the time that I do I will love that man for the rest of my life he was alcoholics anonymous to me he was God's messenger to me he was the one that saved me there I go a remarkable man and I was I was going to meetings three or four nights a week in a place called Ohio Street in West Los Angeles and right behind the podium in the AA meeting is a painting it's about three feet by four feet it's a large painting of the serenity prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference and I've been going to meetings there three and four nights a week for over two years and I suddenly spotted that painting I had a little self-involvement in the beginning I could see to hear and I called Donald immediately and I said Donald found a great prayer shortest prayer I have been able to find you're going to love this one it's the shortest prayer I found I mean you know what I mean it's nice it's very good a lot going on in there he said what is it I said I believe that's the shortest prayer I have been able to find I called the serenity prayer and he said no my sponsor is telling me not to pray this prayer is this what I hear from you and he goes yes that's what you're hearing and the reason I'm saying this to you is because you're right there's way too much going on in there you're going to screw that up completely he had a point God grant me the courage to I don't know what the hell is that and he said you want prayers I'll give you prayers here's your prayers I've got two prayers for you here's what you do and I'm like ready I'm going this is very big custom prayers from my sponsor and how cool is that I'll get little cards made I'll have them laminated right he says where's my sponsor you got these no alright I'm spiritual now man my prayers right and he said alright when you wake up in the morning your crazy ass wakes up and your eyes open up and you're in the bed and you're already going and several voices are already talking to you which is how I usually woke up you know what I mean was you wake up and you just went and the head said we're glad you're up we've been up for some time we've got a few things we'd like to go over with you first of all you're a worthless piece of shit and there's no point in getting out of the bed now so when you wake up and your eyes open up and you've got to hold the covers and you're in the little bed thing there and you're like this I want you to go I want you to open up your clenched fists because I usually woke up just wake up open your hands palms up and say whatever you're starting to love Donald too aren't you yeah and I thought I got it I got it and I'm thinking to myself don't forget whatever whatever whatever ok I got whatever and he goes ok and when you get to bed at night I want you to get in the bed grab the covers pull them off your crazy ass head right put your palms up like this and say enough and go to bed and I go got it whatever enough whatever enough whatever enough three days later it's like 9am I've had my hour of sleep that I'm getting at this point right and I Donald it's like 9am I've been up for three hours and I call up Donald Donald Madden so I answer the phone unless you could possibly mistake that this was him right Donald Madden and I said Donald he goes what is it I go I'm doomed what's wrong I said it's 9am and I can't I can't go another step I can't do it I'm done I'm cooked I'm fried I can't do this anymore there's no way I'm making it to tonight it's over and he said alright alright alright I can help I said good because you're it this is the only call I'm making he goes alright I want you to take a deep breath I said now say enough enough because I'm taking another deep breath I said ok now say whatever and I just paused and I said you can do that you can just arbitrarily just stop a day and start another one it's look at the clock Donald ok so is it Wednesday now is it Tuesday is it Thursday what the hell are you talking about he's going settle down man you can stop a day anytime you need to and begin it again we're not beholding to the clock time's an abstract concept doesn't really exist anyway just what he goes never mind don't get into that can I ask about that later yeah yeah later like in about 20 years you can ask about that just stick to simple simple simple it's nice for flowery it's nice for ornate it's all but for us my belief is for me it must be simple ultimately at the end of the day this must be a simple program not easy but simple it must be simple it is a magnificent thing to pick up the book and just rip it apart get into the words get into the the stuff read the white part you know don't read read lots of the white part and wrestle with all of this I love that I think it's terrific the end of the day it must be simple because you don't grab the new guy and say okay we're going to get into the concept of God now this is going to take about 12 hours listen closely alright first we'll get into the Jesuit expression of God then we'll go into the Benedictine monk no it's do this do that do this what I know about Alcoholics Anonymous will never keep me sober ever what I do will it's a program of action I must take these actions the action of prayer and meditation I pray for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out why do I meditate to quiet the mind so that when the answers come I can hear them because the answers don't God you know God stopped calling me on the phone he used to enough enough methamphetamine enough cocaine you get calls from God or he'll just send messages through the radio when you're driving when you're driving the freeways decode and license plate so you'll know what channel to turn to to get the God for message get a message from God just you know you'll get a message that's all stopped right but the answers come in the form of a thought a feeling an intuition as I pray as I meditate as I quiet my mind meditation I had a great discussion with Bubby is that the right way is that your name there you are yes it's the right way we talked about meditation last night at dinner we had a fight we had a meal we had a meditation talk it was a well-rounded evening and the fight was really no big deal where I come from if there's no blood on the ceiling it was fine it didn't go bad at all it was a good night it was a good night it was a good night it was a good night it was a good night it was a good night and we went to we talked about prayer and meditation and he asked me what do you think of it and I said well meditation for me is for the body to be still and the mind to be quiet with this understanding it is not the nature of the body to be still the body is designed for movement it is not the nature of the mind to be quiet so when I meditate and I sit and I ask the body to be still and the mind to be quiet my body and my mind resist that at every possible turn I say you can do a meditation counting from one to four breathe in one breathe out two breathe in three breathe out four and then just go back and start and that sounds very very simple and monotonous doesn't it it would be monotonous if you got to one through four several times in a row but no one does not honestly you sit down and you go okay okay long term sober spiritual guy good good good this is going to be good going to be excellent alright one you know my back hurts a little bit okay let's try that again okay one woman is very attractive okay I'm ready one my leg hurts now and you think I'm terrible at meditation right no you're not no you're not because it's you're looking at it the wrong way it's not about staying still and staying quiet it's about having the willingness to recognize and acknowledge without judgment what the mind does and what the body does and then to just come back it isn't this it's this it's this centered it's this we come back to this the center we don't present from the center we come back to the center that's what it is so I just acknowledge oh I'm being lustful again come back oh I'm self-centered oh come back oh the hindrances I'm self-doubt oh just you know and not self-doubt bad self-doubt lust bad man bad man screw that it's just it just is what it is how uncommon for a human man to have doubt or fear or lust or envy or greed how unusual to just see it that it's there and not judge so much judgment I have one New Year's resolution every year less judgment more tolerance less judgment more tolerance because they say ours is a code of love and tolerance but for the rest of the world it's love love what's it all about it's all about love give love and that's a beautiful thing for us it's love and tolerance I mean I think they knew who they were talking to we're going to have to kick tolerance right up there with love because I am by nature intolerant I'm intolerant of myself and of others it's the nature of being self-centered and afraid how could I not be so to meditate and to get out of the judgment of the thoughts of my mind is to just see them for what they are and come back and come back and come back and you find what happens as you continue in this seemingly meaningless process is an internal change begins to come and you become to as the book suggests rely upon intuition right rely upon intuition not to lessen the self-doubt and to know that there is a consciousness beyond mind and if I can get myself out of the way I can tap into it and I can direct my life in accordance with that which I think is much more of a concept of God's will than mine right twelve how long am I going to I've got a while twelve didn't I just say that oh I was here I was gone I was back let's go twelve having had a spiritual awakening is the result of working the steps the result of working the steps that was the whole point to be restored to sanity soundness of mind to be relieved of the obsession to drink and use to walk the earth a free man having accomplished that having had that experience this direct result of working these steps taking these actions that were outlined before me I can now practice these principles that are found in these steps and carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers I can practice these principles and carry the message third side of the triangle I'll get into that stuff later but I can be of service how can I help how can I help not because I'm a good guy but because I want to stay sober whatever motivates you I love it when people explore the motivation gee you know am I ready you know am I am I am I framed properly here you know have I have I missed a discussion group that I should be involved in for the next 11 months before I do finish 12 great now you can't keep it unless you give it away one of the great brain twisters of AA right be of service Donald Madden said to me I will give you everything that I have I will show you how to live a completely fundamentally different life the only thing that I will ask of you is that when you catch this buzz which I'll talk about later when you catch the buzz you might listen around and give it away to the guy walking in that door because there's a new wave of insanity washing up on this beach every day and you must take your turn in this human chain of recovery you must take your turn and I said okay I will and I've been honoring that promise to him every day since the day he died and I will hopefully God willing I believe he is I will be honoring that promise for as long as I live it's the grace in life it is you think you caught a buzz getting sober give it to somebody else and watch those dead eyes light up across from you I've been high on everything there is everything everything and there's no buzz like that no buzz like that watching somebody come back from the dead so I am of service I am of service out of self more God out of self more God out of self more God get Errol out of the way get me out of the way if I spend most of my time getting me out of the way I get much more done in life strange thing it's a strange thing well if I'm spending all this time getting me out of the way once I'm out of the way now what the hell do I do it presents itself I mean we were having a discussion the other day I'm saying I read a quote from some woman who was saying to feel useless is so silly because there is so much to be done there is so much to be done and the interesting thing about this for me is that in terms of the steps the understanding the realization that comes as a result of me God and you in 10, 11 and 12 continuing the process that I've begun in here to scratch the surface to wrestle with these concepts to claw deeper to get me out of the way what happens is is that everything flips everything flips and suddenly I am confronted with the fact that I've had it completely asked backwards I've had it wrong I come to you and I do these steps and I become a member of Alcoholics and I work in this and I do this and what motivates me is I am desperately alone and afraid I have been alone for so long I didn't even know I was alone until I'd been here for a couple of years because I had nothing to compare it to I was just alone and isolated and dark and suddenly I remember calling my sponsor up and saying I was upset and I called him up and I said Donald something has gone terribly wrong and he said what is it and I said I love you and I was serious I swore on a mountain in Mexico in 1974 I would never ever love another human being again as long as I live and I would never ever tell you who I was so there's no way you're going to love me this is Earl you like him you don't like him it's got nothing to do with me I'm out I'm out and so you come into my life if I'm dating you and you call up Nick saying I'm marrying Ed my response is excellent where do I send the gift I don't care right you stay in my life you don't stay in my life you live you die I don't care you don't care because I'm too damaged too broken too unavailable for loving and being loved I can't do that and all of a sudden I work this thing because I don't want to die drunk and as a result of doing these things in this life I discover that I love this man what the hell's going on in here I was upset be aware newcomer I actually heard a guy once at the podium say if you're new and you haven't worked these steps run for your life the guy went what Donald went shoot you sit right there what am I talking about it's backwards man I thought if I came here and I loved you then you would love me if I was honest with you then you would love me this would be my reward this was what I sought was this I will love you so that you will love me because apparently it's going to happen anyway and I got to have something to say about this if I'm honest with you then you'll be honest with me if I am respectful of you towards you you will be respectful to me and I was completely wrong and I was completely wrong that is not my experience something much more remarkable happened because I had become I was honest with you I became a more honest man not an honest man a more honest man I move in the direction of honesty as I was loving to you what happened was I was becoming a loving man and I was respectful to you I was becoming a respectful man I was no longer demanding respect I was giving it I was no longer demanding and requesting and controlling and manipulating you so that you would love me I was just loving you and like I said it's in here it's not out here I was after the big house on the hill and the cars and the women and the drugs and the notoriety and all of that stuff and I got all of it and I was dying on the hill I was dying on the hill and I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and I found myself in a one room apartment driving a little 1968 Volkswagen that you had to park on a hill so that when you rolled down the hill and pop started and rolled it in and I would go to meetings and if the meeting was on the hill I would go to meetings and on the flat ground I would just leave the Volkswagen running outside I was the only guy in AA that knew you got two gallons two hours to the gallon and I would just run out there and people would come out and nobody would steal I mean it was worth like a dollar and that's how I got here destroyed and it was and the happiness that I experienced in those first few years of my involvement with Alcoholics Anonymous is with me today it's because I learned the car is never going to make me happy I will not know true happiness from an automobile or even a pretty woman or a kind woman I will not know happiness over there I will not the money right now do I seek money property and prestige sure I'm alive it's what we do here we play so I play the game and I have a lot of fun and I do all of that stuff but what I have to remember always is that it doesn't come first it can never come first these things will not make me happy what makes me happy is the inside work the inside job do I have a relationship with the power greater than myself do I have moments in my life where God is like my brother yes I have those moments and they sustain me is it more important to me that I am loving towards you than you towards me yes it is because I have seen the benefit and the value of that it's the inside job I wish to know peace I wish to know I want the ease and comfort that came with those first couple of drinks that was talked about I want that but I can't get it out here anymore I've got to go in here and do the work if I want it I've got to come get it I've got to come get it I've got to take the actions sitting in the back of meetings and listening to other people talk about their experience and their journey is a lovely experience but it will not sustain me I must engage in this 12 step process I must act in defense of my own life and the cool thing about this is I'm going to have to get sober somebody else's way if I come in with my consciousness which is when you kick and come in here alcoholism is in full effect this isn't about alcohol it's about alcoholism it's in full effect the obsessive nature of my mind is in full effect I work the steps to address it I work the steps to address it when I do that I am transformed as a result of these actions and I begin a new process and a new path make sense? you with me? thank you yes go ahead if I engage in this daily reprieve if I do all three sides of the triangle I'm in good hands I'm in good shape there's a line in the book again that's rarely looked I mean we see it so often we hear it so often we just kind of glance over it you know it's where a lot of us just check out for a little while in a meeting when they read a portion of chapter 5 in the beginning of meetings the first line is rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path that's some very good news for a hopeless alcoholic of my type that's very good news my concern is what is thoroughly? how do I what is thoroughly? the steps are designed to relieve me of the obsessive thinking the steps are designed now that I'm physically sober to come in and be comfortable clean and sober to be relieved of this obsessive state of mind that's what they're for that's their purpose but there's more to the game isn't it? this thing of sponsorship I do these 12 steps I go to a meeting a lot of times and they say to guys in the meeting they go um um is there anyone in here with over a year of sobriety that has worked all 12 steps would you please stand and all these people stand up and they say for you newcomers here's sponsors that are available for you that have worked all 12 steps we know you can't give away something you don't have so here's the people that have it here's the people that have worked all 12 steps and are now willing to take you through that process get their names and numbers hooked up for them right and I think there it is sponsorship being a sponsor being available and willing to take someone through this process that was so freely given to me people ask me well what should a sponsor be? the only reason I'm talking about this is that he asked me to Carl the Sober you have Eric the Red now you have Carl the Sober who's a very dear friend of mine and I love him dearly and you would be you would be very proud of your Carl if you saw the work that he does in the United States if you saw the service that he provides it's really remarkable it's an honor to know him um sponsor's job in my opinion is to take somebody through the steps and you gotta understand this is all just my opinion somebody else will get up and say his sponsor job's this somebody else will say oh it's more like this or oh it's more like that it's more like that it's more like that it's more like that and nobody's wrong it's just great I mean I love and you'll see people actually get to the point where they're gonna come to blows about these conversations and it's great alcoholics stand up squaring off over the process of recovery it's so important to them this isn't about getting it right it's about doing it doing it a good way to do it is I went I went looking for a sponsor and I thought they said what's a sponsor I said what's a sponsor they said sponsor somebody who's got what you want and I said well I would like to drink so maybe it's a little early to be throwing the ball back in my side of the court you know what I mean and I've since come to believe that what I want I want a sponsor who's got what he wants because I think that's a very good definition of happiness wanting what you have wanting what you have so it less and less and less it became about kind of what she had on or the car he drove or the money he had or the house that he lived in or his standing in AA or his social status or any of that crap what it had to do with was the light in his eyes that's what it had to do with was the light in his eyes and that's what I wanted I was this crazy loon that took Donald Madden got up and spoke in a meeting and he was insane this was a man who was committed to 23 mental institutions you know he's the only person I've ever known who was evicted from the nuthouse basically they said you have to go you have to go if you don't leave now you'll be one of the ones that never leaves you have to go now and they spit him out into AA where he became this incredible alive passionate man he wasn't afraid to let you know that this mattered a great deal to him he was very up front about the fact that he cared deeply about Alcoholics Anonymous and about this path and it was evident in every day of his life in the number of men that he was there for and I became one of them and I became one of them and I became one of them and I went up to him and I asked him I said will you sponsor me and he said yes and you don't have to like what I say and you don't have to think it's a good idea you just have to do it and God bless him for that because it just took so much crap off the table that I was I was digging in my pockets to put it on the table and he just removed it by saying that to me you don't have to like what I tell you you don't have to think it's a good idea you just have to do it it's a program of action it's a program of action that's what will get you what you seek see like I said earlier you got to get sober somebody else's way I cannot bring my consciousness my alcoholism right in here the obsessive nature of my mind in here and use my experience my experience is getting loaded hourly and I'm going to come in here and use that consciousness to work this doomed to fail I've got to find this guy who has what I want already a little further down this path who was willing to share it with me sponsor who was willing to share it with me and then when he gives me direction and suggests that I I go this way and it makes no sense to me the fact that it makes no sense to me is irrelevant all that matters is that I'm willing to do it and by doing it contrary to what I'm doing I'm willing to do it contrary or new action an action contrary to my old thinking which is what didn't get me to AA it almost kept me from ever getting here at all right God got me here I didn't figure this out as I'll explain later but I had to take an action that made no sense to me that was a good sign what you're asking of me makes no sense excellent let's do that and I did it he took me to a meeting and he said they make 550 cups of coffee every Friday night and you're going to make them for the next year I said the hell I am I don't even know these people he said fine then drink I said you see there's no talking to you people I'm trying to have just a polite conversation here and you go right to the drinking thing fine I'll make the coffee so I had to make the coffee and I was a little self-centered and I was a little crazy in the beginning unlike now and they gave me this box with all this stuff all the coffee stuff the stuff the little swizzle sticks and the creamer and the fake sugar and the real sugar and the this and the that and a list of stuff you've got to buy so I'm like obsessed man I was like Jesus 550 cups of coffee 550 cups of coffee is a lot of coffee when you don't know how to make coffee so I'm at the market I'm getting the stuff I got the stuff I'm in the car and it's like Thursday morning and I'm double checking the list got to be there in 36 hours I've got everything I've got everything I've got you get there early and you put the pots together and you get the whole thing together and you got it all set up and now I'm drinking coffee while this is going on so I'm getting a little jacked up and I'm making the coffee and I got the pots out and I got the pots out and I got the table out and the table out and everything's ready and they had the meeting before the meeting and I got the coffee out I didn't blow any of the fuses in the building because I put the pot over there and the pot over there and the pot over there and the pot over there and I got my little table set up and my condiments and the coffee and the people come in and they go have a coffee and then they come up and go thanks who the hell is that guy and they get the coffee and the swizzle thing and the guy puts the swizzle stick down on my condiment table bro does that look like trash to any of you do you want to pick that up please hmm hmm hmm hmm it's like dude sorry alright you know by the end of the meeting I'm just like a parrot in the back of the room up till 4 o'clock in case anybody wants to call me and find out how I made that great coffee and you know what I would leave Friday night after that meeting thinking you know I feel good I feel good it's I can't explain it because I couldn't put together you go to a meet sponsor says get a commitment I think I'm the new guy I'm the grunt here right so I get to do I get the job I have to serve these people their coffee because I'm the new guy so everybody can come in and go give me a cup of coffee new guy you over there who knows nothing about recovery you over there you over there bring me coffee thanks for pointing that out I've heard something about a force F what's your name and that's not what it is what it is is oh you're new cool we got this great thing we're going to give you you're going to make the coffee yeah yeah I know it looks like we're giving you the grunt job but really really really we're not we're giving you one of the greatest gifts we've got have you ever heard of the spiritual principle of service out of self more God out of self more God I'm sure you look like a self centered alcoholic girl probably never thought about anything but yourself your entire life it's like if I'm talking I'm talking about me if you're talking I'm wondering how this relates to me you seem like that Earl so here's what we're going to do we're going to give you this fantastic gift we are going to give you an opportunity for this tremendous relief we're going to get you out of yourself you've got to make this coffee you've got to prepare all this stuff you've got to break it down it's going to take you about four and a half hours every Friday night so every Friday night you're going to go home relieved just a little bit more of the bondage of self you get that Earl uh no no no I don't which is why Donald spoke to me in newcomer language when he said do it or drink got it alright why are you making coffee don't want to die in a gutter apparently this is the thing between me and the gutter make the coffee but that's what it is it's this incredible gift that we resist well into sobriety you can have a room this size in LA and say okay we need five people to help us clean up can we get some hands that guy can stand there for a minute waiting to get five hands and usually get them because their sponsor is scanning the room going where's that bullshit and they're like get your hand up guys in the back ducking behind other guys so their sponsors don't spot them he says get your hand up to clean up a meeting I figure I go to an alcoholics non-stay-in-my-life I've had commitments the entire time I've been sponsored the entire time because I'm smart no because of good sponsorship that's why because I was willing to get sober somebody else's way because I knew my way wasn't going to work I tried to get sober and I couldn't couldn't I get sober I had to do it somebody else's way I had to use their consciousness if I'm taking the contrary action I'm hearing the guy says make the coffee everything inside of me says screw you I don't make coffee for people I don't know I don't make coffee for me he says fine that's a lovely sentiment we're all now doing our drinks fine I make the coffee resistant defiant alcoholic I don't want to make the damn coffee and I suddenly feel better interesting interesting new concept as a result new consciousness what is the result of that why the result of that that result is because I took a new action action I took the contrary action suggested to me by a sponsor new understanding new awareness oh gets a little buzz here get a little relief dig it coffee call him up and go you know that Friday night coffee commitment yeah he's assuming I'm going to say I gave it up I go I'm sweeping up on Saturday night at Ohio Street ah fooled you didn't I catching on right and then I got this commitment over here and the guy says they take out panels I said great what's a panel that's where you gather up four or five guys you drive them out to a prison or a nut house and you go in and you talk to people that aren't listening it's great and then you drive them all home and you have a meeting on the way and you have a meeting there and you have a meeting back I said I'm in and I did it and I took them to I had two panels I took a panel to San Fernando Valley Juvenile Hall beginning of the disease and to County General Hospital Alcoholism Ward end of the disease and I will never forget my eager little two and a half years sober got my guys right I'm like the lead dog here you know what I mean I got two and a half years little do they know I'm hanging on by a thread I'm insane and we're in my car but I'm acting like I got it going on yeah we're going to county and I'm looking at the map going Jesus I hope I can find this place and we get up there and I walk in going how you doing you got the nurse there with a thousand yard stare you know what I mean been there 20 years she's seen it all and here comes me all polished up going alright we're members of Alcoholics Anonymous and we're here to help some drunks and she just kind of looked at me and said of course you are baby in we go see the guy laying in the bed five point restraints arms, legs, head he's in the bed he's yellow he's my kind of yellow getting sober yellow right he's looks like he's got a football in the bed but that's his liver he's got a football he's dying of alcoholism he's not getting out of there he's not going to leave that he's not going to leave that bed he's going to die in that bed his liver's gone he's dead right he just hasn't done it yet he's laying in the bed in the you know kicking detox in five point restraints and I walk up and say excuse me sir we're from Alcoholics Anonymous and we're going to have an AA meeting if you want we can put the chairs around your bed put the chairs around your bed and we'll just have the meeting right here with you and he looked me right in the eye and he said why I don't have a drinking problem and it scared the shit out of me and I said because I stood up in that bed and I went I have that disease that's my disease the difference as Norm Alpey used to say the difference between me and that guy is seconds and inches seconds and inches that's it that's it who knows this man may have been a captain of industry accomplished far more than I might ever hope to in my life and alcohol took it all took it all and it's now going to take his life and he is still in denial the shroud of denial just lays over him why I don't have a drinking problem I don't have a drinking problem I'm going to die from drinking but that's not a problem to me it was astonishing to me and man I left that hospital so grateful to be an insane little two and a half year old sober guy with a car full of terrified newcomers for all looking at me going what the hell was that what the hell kind of meeting was that it took us to is that like the dead guy meeting what the god and I'm yelling like Don and all of a sudden I hear Don let me shut up you little ungrateful bastard turn around very proud of myself they're all in the back scared to death and I was in the front seat scared to death but together together we went and we every month right back there two and a half years right back there right back there why because I don't want to die drunk because my sponsor said do it so I did and you know what my life changed the way I look at it is this if you look if I look at my life as a pond just a pond of water and that is my life just a little pond oh for so many years I threw poison into the pond thinking it's only affecting this little cove over here this little cove I'm getting high in this little cove and I'm just getting high now it's just today that I'm getting high I'm not getting high forever I'm not getting high for 10 years or 15 years or 16 years I'm just getting high this time I'm just throwing a little poison over there the pond is big the pond will be fine what I don't know is is that the universe is the universe and the truths are the truths and as that poison hits the surface of that pond the ripple effect of that dropping into the pond touches every single area and aspect of the pond nothing is left untouched and as I think I am only doing this little bit here I am poisoning at all I am cutting myself off from God and my fellows and ultimately from self I'm just completely completely gone I come into Alcoholics Anonymous and the sponsor says here take this and throw it in the pond whatever alright I start throwing this stuff in the pond I start throwing service I start throwing step one and step two and these things that I don't understand but I've become willing somehow to wrestle with them and I throw them in the pond and I throw them in the pond and I think this is addressing my alcoholism and I think this little cove over here right that is my recovery cove right and I think it's just going in and this is going to help me not drink but that's all this is doing that this is the sum total value of this will be that I will become comfortable sober and I will not drink I will become free so I throw it into this recovery cove but what I don't understand is the same thing is happening except in reverse the ripple effect of that is rippling into every area of my life and even though I have not been working on my anger because I'm an angry angry man as a result of my self-centered fear I'm not working on my anger I'm working on staying sober but suddenly some guy walks by in a meeting and says something to me that demands action on my part I need to kick his ass for that because he just shamed me and I can't allow that to go unchallenged and I reach for my anger and it's not there and what comes out is some guy walks by and makes a crack at me and I look at him and I go peace and I walk away thinking who the hell did that what was that now all of a sudden these guys are coming up going that was the coolest thing I've ever seen bro where did you get the strength to do that and I'm like well I don't know I was going to hit him and all of a sudden this comes out I don't know what the hell happened Alcoholics Anonymous took the anger from me it picked my pocket like a thief in the night is what it did this is so far past not drinking and using you get into this step process you work these steps so that you won't die drunk in the gutter right and what will happen is is that a life will happen I've had people say to me the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is about love it's about respect it's about balance it's about peace it's about all forgiveness acceptance big one acceptance right all these things right I respectfully disagree I say that Alcoholics Anonymous is about staying sober that's what this is about however I must engage in a process of action in order for me to recover for me to stay sober I must take these actions the result of these actions cause me to bump into and wrestle with and experience peace and love and tolerance and acceptance and forgiveness as an alcoholic I so tried to compartmentalize my life ok I'll do this and it'll be about sobriety I'll do this and it'll be about money and I'll do this it ain't like that it's the whole human imbalance brought into this life brought into this life if I get sober and engage in a spiritual path in order to do so a spiritual path will impact my entire life and suddenly I won't feel good about stealing cars anymore I won't feel good about lying to her I won't feel good about misrepresenting myself I will change it is inevitable it is without question it is without fail if I take I think the book's talking about alcohol on page what 37 and the text is up to page 164 it's about living life sober it's about being free and I need more freedom than simply not drinking will give me I need more freedom more freedom than that I need the big buzz I need the granddaddy of all buzzes I need to be able to breathe in and out and get into that I need to get between those and get back to right here right now which is the only place I can live a life it's the only place I can love you and oddly enough I've known you for two and a half days and I already do I love you I love you you are mine I am yours you know we belong to each other we come from different lands and we belong to each other I love you here here gotta live from here gotta live from here can't live from here cannot live from here must live from the heart must live from the heart must find the courage the faith the strength to move into the world from here from my heart to be to be able to say I'm a man I'm a dominant male I'm a proud man and I am flawed and I know fear and I worry and I wrestle with concepts that seem easy to others and they're not for me I'm a sponsor I sponsor a legion of men there are those that will tell you you want to know how sick someone is look at how many people they have to sponsor to stay in the game my guys would suggest I'm a very very broken man there's so many of them right and they're one of the many many lights in my life they have no idea they have no idea how much they mean to me so if you're new and you wonder the steps I would suggest that this do this do this do this do them experience them and you will discover that it goes so far beyond not drinking and using it is a design for living this is the backbone of that this is the the heart and soul of this this will begin to this will become alive and it will breathe in your life and it will change you and I promise that that change will be a delight that you will you will love the change that you experience and it's 4.30 so peace that's it