The Chapter to the Agnostic and Reading Two Pages a Day – Tom

Okay, it's 8.30. Hello everyone, my name is Tom and I'm alcoholic. What is AA? Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership. We are self-supporting through our own contributions. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution, does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. Welcome to the sponsorship group of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is an open meeting of AA and as such, we welcome everyone. However, we limit participation to alcoholics. In accordance with our sermon tradition, we have no dues or fees, but we are self-supporting through our own contributions. If you are not an alcoholic, please do not put money in the basket. Just hand it over to me, please. Is there anyone new coming back? Just kidding. Is there someone new coming by back or visiting this meeting for the first time who would care to introduce themselves. The goal of this meeting is to carry the message of hope to the still suffering alcoholic. It is our experience that carrying AA's message is essential in recovering from the disease of alcoholism. As such, we encourage our members to visit with hospitals, jails, rehabs and other institutions. If you would like to participate in our group activities, join our group or need a sponsor, see any Home Group member after the meeting. Will active Home Group members please identify themselves? No! Okay, that wasn't as scary as last week. Please be mindful that we are guests at this institution and it's our group's desire to leave every meeting place in better condition than it was when we arrived. If you have a cell phone or pager, please shut it off and we ask that you limit your movement and discussions during the meeting so as not to disrupt the speaker. And now we have some AA readings. We have the original manuscript of how it works and I would like Christine to please read that. All right, Christine. Hi, my name is Christine and I'm an alcoholic. Original manuscript of how it works. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our directions. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. Usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. They are such unfortunates. They are not at fault. They seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a way of life which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to follow directions. At some of these you may balk. You may think you can find an easier, softer way. We doubt if you can. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. Remember that you are dealing with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help it is too much for you. But there is one who has all power, that one is God. You must find him now. Half measures will avail you nothing. You stand at the turning point. Throw yourself under his protection and care with complete abandon. Now we think you can take it. Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as your program of recovery. 1. Admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care and direction of God as we understood him. 4. Made searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. We're entirely willing that God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly on our knees, asked him to remove our shortcomings, holding nothing back. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make complete amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends for those who were hurt. 10. Made amends with such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual experience as a result of this course of action, we tried to carry this message to others, especially alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all of our affairs. You may exclaim, what an order, I can't go through with it. Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after have been designed to sell you three pertinent ideas. A. That you are alcoholic and cannot manage your own life B. That probably no human power can relieve your alcoholism C. That God can and will If you are not convinced on these vital issues, you ought to re-read the book to this point or else throw it away. And I'd like Robbie to read the Traditions, please. Hi, I'm Rob. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Rob. During its first decade, AA as a fellowship accumulated substantial experience, which indicated that certain group attitudes and principles were particularly valuable in assuring survival of the informal structure of the fellowship. In 1946, in the fellowship's international journal, the AA Grapevine, these principles were reduced to writing by the founders and early members as the 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. They were accepted and endorsed by the membership as a whole at the International Convention of AA at Cleveland, Ohio in 1950. Here is the short form. One, our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery depends upon AA unity. Two, for a group purpose there is but one ultimate authority, a loving God as he may express himself in a group conscious. 3. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking 4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or AA as a whole 5. Each Group has but one primary purpose, to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers 6. An AA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the AA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. Seven, every AA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. Eight, Alcoholics Anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers. Nine, AA as such ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. Ten, Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues. Hence, the AA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. Eleven, our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. And twelve, anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. And I would like Carol to read a big book selection, please. Thank you. Thank you, Carol. Thank you for your work, Carol! Oh! Where's Carol? There she is. Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn't enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day if you need be. It may mean the loss of many nights' sleep, great interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business. It may mean sharing your money, your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerous trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails, and asylums. Your telephone may jangle at times of the day or night. Your wife may sometimes say she's neglected. a drunk may smash the furniture in your home or burn a mattress you may have to fight with him if he is violent sometimes you have to call a doctor and administer sedatives under his direction another time you may need to call other times you may send the police or ambulance occasionally you will have to meet such conditions Is there anyone who has an AA-related announcement, please? Yes, please. John and Alcohol. Johnny! The sponsor group will be celebrating their ninth anniversary on March 14th. Dinner's at 7. and the speaker starts at 8 p.m., be there or be square? Awesome, yes. It's hard to get a seat on that night. There's several hundred people who usually come out for that. Okay. Let's see. Okay, a home group member will talk for five minutes on sponsorship and we'll introduce the main speaker. I'd like to introduce Jim. All right, Jim! Whoa! Whoa! My name is Jim. I'm an alcoholic. It's good to be here, it's good to be sober. My sobriety date is November 19th 1987. This is my home group and sponsorship I am what I think when I first got to Alcoholics Anonymous and you know But even before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, identification was essential. I had to find somebody that I identified with. And a friend of mine, this guy Steve, who was sort of dangerous. Most people would consider him dangerous. Introduced me to Alcoholic Anonymous. He gave me $20 to go to a meeting. And he thought I was dangerous. But I came to AA, and it seemed like the place to go when you were done. And I thought I would have at least a couple decades of good drinking. I looked at coming to AA as a place to come to give something up. And that's why I didn't stay. I didn't realize that it was a place to come to live, to really feel good, to get what alcohol gave me without the consequences. I didn' t realize it. It's like Tom has said before, if you can take a bone away from a dog, you better give him a steak. And if you're going to take alcohol away from drunk, you better do something better. and um that that was the first introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous um actually probably a few years before that uh a friend of the family had a real bad drinking problem and um they my parents called AA to try to get their friend help and this guy from AA came and he came in a Jaguar and I remembered that you know I mean that was 10 years before I got sober I remember you go to AA hey, you can get a Jaguar, which I think that had an impression on me. And these guys had – they actually dressed up. This was back in the 70s, and these guys wore jackets and ties, and they came and they sat with the guy at the kitchen table and they told the story, and then they left. The guy said he didn't want to quit drinking, and they left, and he said, okay, we'll call us when you're done. And they left. They didn't drag him anywhere he didn't want to go. But it had sort of some impression, and then my friend Billy got sober, and he was crazy, just crazy people that I would hang out with. And he threw a television through a motel window and then a prostitute. And he came to AA, and he got better. And everybody I saw come to AA got better, and I knew that there was some sort of solution here. I didn't really believe that it would be a good solution, but I knew that there were some sort solution. And then I went to rehab and this guy came in from AA and I had gone to one meeting and this guys like a lot of really, really old people, they looked like they got sober from Prohibition. um but um i had that impression of aa and then i went to some meetings and i i just couldn't get it i couldn't stop they were talking about god but i don't have god how can i you know you're talking about God and give my life i don' t have God how i couldn' t get it until this guy came in and from aa and he was my age and he'd been sober for three years and i was really i was impressed that somebody could actually stay sober for three years, that was my age. And he said that he said a prayer to a God he didn't believe in and that had been three years ago and he hasn't picked up a drink since and he thinks there's some kind of connection. And that was enough of an idea of God to get me interested. And I think what sponsorship has given me over the years is two-fold. One is that somebody sets an example for what I need to do and how I need to live to be okay. And somebody who tells me a little bit more about the truth than I can see on my own. I've had a couple sponsors. I've always been intimidated by my sponsors. We've never been on an equal footing. And that was made clear that this is not an exchange of ideas here. This is not like you're going to give me a couple of ideas and I'm going to gives you a couple ideas. It was, you know, I think Keith Lewis said it. He said one of the big problems I have is that I've got to understand my role. In every situation, every relationship, I have to understand my role. And the problem is, I remember I went to college and I thought I was a professor. And I've had jobs where I think, you know what? This guy's in my way. I should be president. My mother, every job I ever got, she goes, God damn it, don't try to be president! It's every single because I don't know my role, and with a good sponsor, a strong sponsor, and I think that's essential for a guy like me. I need to understand my role there's not an equal dynamic this is teacher, student sensei it's like grasshopper I need to listen, I've got to shut up and if this person is waiting for me to contribute to the conversation I spend so much god damn time thinking about what to say when he shuts up I can't pay attention to anything he says the kindest thing any sponsor has ever told me to do is shut up And it doesn't seem like it's really nice. When you're new, it doesn'T seem like it's a really good idea and a kind loving thing but that's the most loving thing that a sponsor has ever done is to say, shut up. It took away all ambiguity. I didn't have to think about what I was going to say when he was waiting for me to participate in the conversation and it allowed me to listen for the first time in my life. Really, seriously, the first Time in my Life I could ever listen was sitting in a car and knowing that I wasn't going to get called on. and that's why going to discussion meetings where it might be my turn next wasn't really a good idea going to a speaker meeting I know they're not calling me up when I'm new that was really beneficial my sponsors have always shared who they are and their experience I remember I got Tom to be my sponsor about 12 years ago and I was facing some jail time for sponsoring myself. And I was crying myself to sleep every night and Tom goes, yeah, I did a little time. I was like, what? I didn't know. He goes, oh. He goes yeah, my brother likes to refer it as the time I spent with the government. And he laughed. He didn't have to say you're going to be okay and oh, it's going to Beard. You know, he laughed And his laughter, I knew I was going to be okay. I mean, if he was freaking out, you know, because there was a lot of people in AA I told about what was going to happen, they were like crying with me. They were like, oh, man, you poor bastard. You know, what's going to happen? And Tom laughed and I knewI was goingto be okay, you now. And then he goes, well, how much time do you thinkyou're going to get? I was like, whoa. I said, probably about a year and a half. That's what it seems everybody else is getting, about ayearandahalf that's done this and same judge, the same prosecutor. He goes, what did you do? I said, well, you know, I stole a couple million dollars. He says, oh, sounds like you're getting off easy. And I never thought of that. I was like, oh yeah. A year and a half for two million dollars is not a bad salary. It's not really, I was Like, you know, that's good pay. You know, and it just clarified things for me. And the fact that I've gotten direction, you know, and I've got somebody that's done more AA than I do. I remember I talked to Tom one day, and I heard all this noise. Someone on the speaker, I go, where are you? He goes, I'm in Los Angeles. I was like, I just talked to you last night. And he goes, what are you doing in Los Angeles? He goes, I'm on a 12-step call. And I'm thinking, you know, and I'm like, well, Tom, you know, they've got AA in California, you know, I don't. And he says, yeah, but he called me. I was, like, oh, fuck. And I knew my life was going to be hell. You know what I mean? And then two weeks later, my sister called me to come speak at her home group for her anniversary in Columbus, Ohio. And how do you tell your sponsor that you're not going to go to Ohio when he went to Los Angeles? It doesn't fly. It really doesn't work. And what I've seen is that if you have somebody who's setting what you ought to be doing, set somebody like a high – somebody who has got a lot of energy and is taking a lot of action as my role model or somebody that I need to mimic, I do a lot more than I would do otherwise. That's just a fact. If I pick a guy who's going to a couple meetings a week, he doesn't go to meetings on holidays, you know what? I'm not going to do a goddamn thing. Okay? I really don't. You know what, and I remember our group has always done institution commitments on Christmas. And I remember we were doing it a few years ago, and nobody wanted to do it. So we got three detox meetings on Christmas, and it was like, ha, I'm going to deal with all three of them. And I'm calling around, and everyone's like, no, it's Christmas. I said, well, I'm doing three of them. And everybody says, oh, well I should at least do one. You know? And, you know, on the other side it's important for me to set an example for people I'm sponsoring to do a lot of AA. And I need to go to meetings because somebody is watching. I don't want to go the meetings that I go to necessarily. I don' t want to sponsor people that I sponsor again and again and again and then again and I don''t want to really always, I don't want to live by principles. I mean, I'm not saying I live by principles all the time, but the ones I live on, live by for the most part is because for the last 12 years people have been watching. You know, I got somebody on the couch, I've got somebody on the floor, I get somebody who's watching and you know what? Their life's at stake. I mean I could screw around, I could probably miss the meetings here or there, but a new guy can't. I know that somebody's not doing really well and they're brand new and they are still shaking and they can't trust their head and they haven't been through the steps so they've got no mental defense against the first drink. The only solution they have is to take a lot of action, to keep them busy. The busier they are, the less they're going to think. And if I'm not doing it with them, they're not going to be doing it at all. So their life's on the line. I've got to be right in the middle. I got to have a sponsor and I got to have somebody that's watching. And then I stay plugged in and I feel good. It's not a numbers game. I talked to Clancy the other day and I said, you know, our group has always been lean and mean and people leave. And I said your group is gigantic. You have 1,200 people. He said well you know if I had to do it over again I'd stay lean and mean because what happens is you surround yourself with a bunch of assholes that don't want to do a goddamn thing. He goes I don't even want to go to the goddamn meeting. He He said, but you know, everybody's invited to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm a real alcoholic and I've got a real bad case of alcoholism, which means that I love thinking about me. Any amount of time, I'm just thinking about my life. I'm thinking about myself and what I'm going to get out of each and every situation. The only way to do that is really divorce myself of my thinking about me is by trying to help somebody else, trying to focus on somebody else's needs and what's going on in their life. And sponsoring people, it's a lot of work sometimes. I mean, if I'm going to be involved and I'm going to really help somebody, I need to know what's going on with their life, you know? And what's going on? Are they working? Do they have a relationship? How's their family? How's your health? What's going on? You know, do they have kid? Are the feeding their kid? You just sort of talk and get to know and watch people. And the more I get involved in other people's lives, the less I think about me and what kind of car I'm driving or what kind of job I have or what kind watch I'm wearing or how much my shoes cost. It's stupid crap that I love to think about which never helped me. Anyway, sponsorship has saved my life. It was probably 1% of my recovery is going through the steps with my sponsor. The other 99% is taking other people through because each person I sit down and I got to be a little bit more real um forces me to to open my heart and to say things that i wouldn't i would never have talked about otherwise and anyway i'd like to uh introduce um tonight's speaker it's uh My sponsor, Tom. Tom told me to watch it as far as I was watching. I still tripped. I suppose I wasn't watching. I electrocuted, I guess. I'm Tom Flynn. I'm an alcoholic. and uh i'm sober through the grace of god sponsorship in the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous now uh i don't do any of this stuff well but i do all of it regular that's about the best i can tell you i do a little bit regular i know i could do things regular I'm suspect if I have to do something well I generally find that I can't qualify so I get out of the judgment business quickly when I judge me I fail when I judgments you I generally pass you and you're not qualified it's very dangerous for me to put on any kind of a black robe and sit behind a desk with a gavel so I don't judge people I don' t judge people because it's sinful or whatever the hell you want to call it I don''t care about any of that crap I don ''t judge people for the same reason I don'T take out people's appendix I ain't qualified I haven't killed anybody yet I haven''t tried to take out any appendix either that works I got sober August 14, 1980 and I've been sober more than sober I've been recovered ever since ever since and it's all a gift now I want to talk with you guys this is I love this group because of what it does it's all principles with me what it does there are people in hospitals and jails who are there because some guy with a black robe put them there he thinks they need jail We know they need steps. That's what we know. Now, it's either us arrange bus service to the jail. That's What The State Would Do. Make a big deal out of it. Or we'll just send a group of men or women in to see them. They can't come to us, so we go to them. That's the way AA solves problems. Real simple. We'll go to Them. Why? Because they're God's kids too. And we know that. How do we know that? We finally admit it, we're God'S kids regardless of what we've done. Then we find out it's a little tough for us to exclude people. Not to recognize God in His most disgusting disguises. We can't skip over any of that. Now I'm a flaming drunk that's what I am action drunk I don't know how long I drank I just drank when it was flung on me I pursued it it was just flung on me and I had a wonderful time drinking, I hear people say had a terrible time I could cry I mean I had such a good time and I feel sorry for this poor guy I picked up a drink and all this bad shit happened don't you remember any good shit you know I had a wonderful time drinking I feel so sorry when I see a guy like that it's like getting pregnant without having sex something like that Well, you know what I mean. So, I just had a way. Booze has taken me to places that National Geographic's never seen. I'm not so sure I saw it. Well, I have a feeling I was there. You know, this is one of them feelings. I couldn't prove it, but you know how it goes. I had a feeling i was there and And being with you in AA, for me, if it hadn't been the way it was, I wouldn't be here. I hear people, well, I just don't drink today, you know, and my life is miserable. Jesus, why don't you shoot yourself? I'll lend you a gun. What the hell? I'm dying to see you come around here, you know, spreading the disease for 25 years. Here, do it. Your life's unmanageable. You can't manage. You won't take God. There's no column three. This and this, Smith and Weston here. Where there's AA, there's the steps. There's your fourth choice. So I come to AA in that condition. Now, my life was a tad unmanageable. I was married for 25 years. I come from an Irish Catholic background. I got divorced. That don't happen in my family. I'm the first guy ever divorced in my family, but I'm an alcoholic. It's okay. It's all right. I had a career job. I was owner of a company I helped start back in 1950, and I got fired from that company I own part of in 1979. Yeah, I got sober in 1980. So my 29th year there, I got fired. I didn't get a letter reprimanding my personnel file. Let's clean that shit here. Go blow your nose. They said, Tom, you're a talented fellow, you know. And we're sure somewhere in this state somebody could use you but it's no longer us here's your keys and bye-bye fired they got divorced fired then I went broke I had a lot of money I went broken stone broke I was so broke you can shake me I didn't name jingle that's what I call broke and I went from living in a big rancher I guess about a 4,000 4,500 square foot house four bedrooms and a lot of bathrooms and all that shit and to live under a bridge the last bridge so and I came to in a nut house I used to call it a hospital but it was a nuthouse I was in this one big room for about a whole day and it was like mixed nuts different kinds of nuts They were trying to separate them out, was I? Cashew, pistachio, you know. And they had, you Know, guys that were, what do you call it, bipolar and they got all kinds of shit. Then there was the alcoholic, not me. They finally figured out what brand and that I was. And so I was there. So, to put it succinctly, I was divorced, fired, broke, and nuts. Outside of that, I wasn't doing good. That's the way I was. I lived under a bridge in this kind of weather in Baltimore. I had a real estate problem, didn't I? so in that condition I came to AA and I was totally desperate I had no problems they said shut up you don't have anything we want you don t even want what you have and we don t want it so shut up we don't need it we will give you something but they didn t I'll tell you one thing with AA. The guys that I talked to and the women were straightforward, and they may seem a bit critical, but there was no malice. There was no ill feeling. I never got any ill feeling from these people when they told me the truth. They made me angry because I knew how smart I was and how dumb they were. And here they were, They lived in a house, and I'm living under a bridge. But they're dumb, and I'm smart, and all that kind of stuff, you know. And so they said I could postpone a drink one day at a time. How juvenile. Who are they kidding? I know what they mean. This is alcoholics and amas. I know what they means forever. So I go to a meeting my third day out of the nuthouse, and there's some guy. He's the regular standard brand AA that you get in most places, unfortunately. But you don't get much recovery. You may get dry, but you won't get many people. You won't have much recovery, you won' t get an answer for the pain. As Jim mentioned, they ask to give up a bone, give them a stake, and that's what the steps are. this guy he's up here five years this is Northern Virginia yeah I'm sober five years life sucks I'm hanging in there my wife is a bitch my boss is a jerk and I'm the only good driver in Northern Virginia and if you want what I have I said man I just got here I come here five years to have what you have what do you got next week cancer but I don't want to be there I didn't want to be in there, they had nothing on me then I ran into this guy, he had real clear blue eyes he was an old guy like me you know, he was probably half senile like me and he says, you looking for a sponsor? I said, yeah I'm looking for his sponsor I thought they'd give me a jacket with Coca-Cola in the back. I ain't been there yet. That's what I thought. And he didn't show up with a jacket. He says, we are going to do the steps. He didn't ask me anything. He told me, gave me a statement. We are going to do it. We are doing the steps and I thought when he said we he meant him and me and that's exactly what he meant and he picked up this book. They called it The Big Book. I looked at him and said, it ain't that big. Critical. He showed me where the steps are. He says, now you're going to read two pages a day. Now, I'm a Hopkins Academic Scholarship graduate. And my sponsor is a sixth grade dropout. Retired truck driver. And I thought, what's he think? Is this remedial reading? He says, maybe he could use that, a smart guy like me. Well, I wasn't so smart. He says I want to talk to you about recovery. You're a taker and this is a program of giving. You don't understand a program of giving, that's the reason you're going to read two pages a day. I'm not going to give you a version of English you haven't heard for a long time or certainly haven't practiced so I said the most reasonable thing I've said in 12 years I says okay Wally Wally's my sponsor and okay is that's what surrender is ain't got nothing to do with Pearl Harbor okay Wiley is surrender I am going to follow directions isn't that what it means it's that simple I'm going to following directions So he says to me first, he says, Tom, when you pick up a drink, do you always know when you're going to stop? And I had a burst of strange feeling. It was called truth. Where'd that come from? Hello, stranger. And I says, no, I don't always know what I'm going to start. sometimes the arresting officer knows but you know I don't know so he says it looks like to me then if you don't know when you're going to stop your peril is over stopping I said if you want to put it that way he says I'm the sponsor I'll put it that way that made it clear who was the sponsor and who was to pigeon I am the pigeon once while I get one of these uppity guys he says to me, I don't like to be called a pigeon. What would you want me to call you, asshole? He says, well my name is Francis. Okay Francis, I'll call you Francis Asshole. How's that? Well the word pigeon And Bill Wilson, the co-writer of this book, was in the field artillery in World War I. And at World War One, radio communication was not as reliable as it was in World World. But wasn't really good in World war two either. But anyway, it wasn't very good in Korea. How would I know? Anyway. but that's where the word pigeon comes because in World War I to get communications between the infantry and the artillery they would use carrier pigeons they were trained to fly from selected spots to selected spots and if the infantry group wanted to give its position on a map to an artillery so to make sure it didn't hit them hit the enemy, they would tie it to a pigeon leg and let the pigeon come and carry it. That's where the word pigeon comes from. It's a messenger. That's really what it is. But most people who are educated beyond their capacity to act upon it will criticize it before understanding it. That's typical. But anyway, I call them pigeons. Well, I don't care if they like it or not. I'm not running for office. I don'T need anyone's vote. And I'M old enough I DON'T give a damn what other people think. So it's that simple. All right, so he says, have you ever stopped drinking? I said, yeah, I stopped one time for Lent. I was going to prove to the world and God and get brandy points, you know what I mean, that I could control my drinking. Well, Easter money, I got drunk as hell. I wound up in Chicago. Don't know how I woundup there in the Palmer House. Nice restaurant. I got drunk as hell in a bomber house so I got I got drugged in some real sleaze bags and bomber house everywhere, all kinds of places so it doesn't make any difference where I was or the atmosphere I used to believe in nothing I'm drunk, period I was in a couple months ago I was invited to go to Beverly Hills to talk and they gave me just this joke and they hit the floor just as fast it didn't make any difference I was talking to some guys from there and I was talked to a group out there a nice group of people and anyway I was just thinking living under a bridge now I'm addressing a group in Beverly Hills ain't that nice God's got a hell of a sense of humor I wonder if they got arrested the same way I did probably so but they didn't They probably made bail faster. That's the only difference. So I said, yeah. I stopped drinking for 40 days and 40 nights and the 41st day I got drunk. He says, Tom, when you're stopped, do you know you could stay stopped? I said no. So Tom, he says, it looks like this to me. When you start, you don't know when you're going to stop. Is that right? Yeah, Wally, that's right. Okay. And when you stop, you Don't Know When You're Going to Start. Well, yeah, Waley, that' s right. So he says, It looks like to me that you're powerless over alcohol whether you're stopping or starting doesn't make any difference. That just continues going on. The only thing that is certain, you are in a powerless condition. Stopping and starting is coming and going. That's intermediate. It's powerless. You are in a powerless condition. It's the first time I ever saw it that way. And it took a dropout, retired truck driver to explain it to me. But he explained it to him just like Jim was talking about. We share our experience. Not our theory, our experience, and that was his experience. He happened to share that his experience was like mine. And he says, I am an alcoholic. Well, I haven't drank for 16 years. I'm looking at him and I say, boy, he's a real sicko. I'm three days out of the nuthouse and I'm judging him. That's how we are. That's simple. That's the first step. I can stop, but I can't stay stopped. I can't stay stopped because I ain't happy when I stop. I ainít happy when I stop, I need some kind of relief. When I stop I have a bad case of sobriety. Bad. It gives me shivers to think about it. They don't drink, Jesus Christ. Shoot him. Damn. I've got to have an answer for just rural sobriety and it's the 12 steps and it says so in your big book because here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery don't say sobrietry it says recovery read the book read two pages a day he told me That's the reason I got remedial reading from him. AA doesn't waste a single thing if you follow the directions. I was sober about two years, and I said to Wally, Wally and I came in, this guy Joe, he came in about a week after me. I think he's doing better than me, and Harry's doing, you know, we're comparing ourselves to others. You all have done that. I'm older than you, and I beat you to it, okay? Got the same results you got there. And I went to my sponsor and told him that. He says, Tom, are you still reading those two pages every day? And I said, yeah, Wally. He said, you should be on about the third or fourth reading of the big book, the first 164 pages by now. Are you? I said yeah, Wall-E, and i was. I didn't lie to him because I was doing it because I didn' t want to sleep under the bridge anymore. It's getting cold, you know, and I was starting to feel good. You know, the people were treating me sort of decent, and I was learning to tell the truth. I couldn't tell the truth. I had to learn to tell the truth by listening to you tell it. That's how bad I was. I had They'll listen to you and imitate how you spoke and how you did things. That's the only way I can learn it. But she showed it to me. She did. So, anyway. I said, yeah, I've been through it three times now, Wally. He says, have you found any new words in that big book since you read it over and over again? Do you find any new worlds or new expressions in there? I said yeah, Wiley, quite a few. He says, good. Now, there's two possibilities. Somebody sneaking in your bedroom at night and changing the print in your book. That's one possibility. And the other possibility, you are changing. You're reading the same words and getting a different meaning. You are changing." He says,"What do you think is the more likely?" That's the first time he gave me a choice. But then I saw nothing is wasted in AA. Everything that the experienced, recovered alcoholic who has what you want tells you to do. There's a reason for it. I stopped comparing myself to other people and I started comparing myself with this book. I got out of the judgment business quickly. I got out of judging you and me and I measured me against this that was very important now the next thing I had to do as soon as I got to the 12th step my sponsor says you gotta get somebody to work with I said whoa I didn't want to work with anybody I was afraid to kill them you know you've had a feeling don't you yeah I beat you to that one, too. So you're not new, you know. And I survived it, so I'm sure you will. He says, get over there by that front door. I don't want you standing in the middle of this meeting BSing with your friends. Get over by that door and get the bleary-eyed guy walking through that door. I ain't qualified, Wally. He says. I know that. And you know that, but he don't know that Get over there. I could have ever bought a door, and I'm scared to death. I'm afraid I'm going to kill him. So guess what happens? Me getting over there and getting the new man, right away I'm reading this because I don't want to kill Him. So I'm using this tool again, right? I'm talking to Wally because some stuff I can't find in here that this guy's talking about. so going over there not wishing to kill this new guy I just met him, he was a nice guy you know I'm talking to my sponsor more I can't send him to a meeting, I'm taking him to a meeting, so I'm attending more meetings sometimes I can't get an answer anywhere I'm praying more God, I got to talk to Wally, I can' t get it I'm looking here, I ca' n't get it And I'm going to kill this guy unless you help him. He's your kid, God. I'm doing what you're telling me to do. But the outcome is in your hands. I'm just a drunk. You know, I ain't drinking on Thursdays or whatever. It was Thursday. And that's what I was doing. What I'm saying, when you work with a new person, AA will make you use all the tools. It will make your youth a big book. It will make you use the meetings. It will makes you use sponsorship. It will made you use prayer. That's the advantage, the subtle advantage of working with others. See? It will meet you. And what happens? What happens? All of a sudden, you see a bleary-eyed guy and he says to you, Tom? Yeah. He says, everything looks better. I said, what do you mean? He says blue looks bluer. I remember that. I said yeah. How's water taste? He says clearer. I said you like that huh? Yeah. And I take him home at night and these little girls she's only about four when she runs up hello daddy she grabs him around the leg and he just lights all up you know and I'm looking at him lit up and the little girl hugging me out of the yard and she grabs me by the fingers yeah kids are like Mr. Tom thanks for bringing daddy home and eyes light up too and this is what happens we participate in the act of love this is where we participate in the active love ain't got a god damn thing to do with Hallmark ain't nothing to do with moon, june or swoon I want to touch if you let me interrupt this a bit this is what I live by this is the early AAs lived by too mind if I read it to you it's all right took that two paragraphs long I don't like to do a lot of reading if I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels but do not have love I am a noisy gong or a clang symbol a lot of us are that full sound fury signifying nothing Shakespeare had it right and if I have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge and if i have all faith so as to remove mountains but do hadn't do not have love i am nothing got it all in nothing like to get it all together you You've got nothing. If I give away all my possessions and if I hand over my body so I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient. Let's just see what love really is. Love is kind. Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. it is not irritable or resentful it does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth it bears all things believes all things hopes all things endures all things love never ends what a light shovel to shelf life that is love never end I love it that's a good deal but as for prophecies they will come to an end hmm so I'd rather be in love than being prophetic okay let's see they will come to end as for tongues they will cease as for knowledge it will come to end for we know only in part and we prophesy oh in part but when the complete comes the partial will come to an end when I was a child I spoke like a child I thought like a kid I reasoned like a child, when I became an adult I put an end to childish ways for now we see in a mirror dimly but then we will see face to face now I know only in part then I will know fully even as I have been fully known okay seems fair and now faith hope and love abide these three and the greatest of these is love the greatest you have all the faith in the world if you have not love you got nothing if you want to invest in something I want to investment in education it will come to an end why you say invest in love it will not end there's a damn good reason you want an annuity you don't need prudential love see what I mean and that's what happens when you see the man with the woman the hopeless one she sees hope and you are the carrier of hope why because you love God God loved you and her And you got off your ass And went to help her Because you loved God And you saw God in her You started to see God everywhere I have to go to church That's where God is You got a small gun It's alright Little pocket guy Can't do much Can't run out of power run out of batteries and all that kind of shit but if you got this powerful God who's everywhere and in every human being and you're the go-between that's the best damn job you ever had the carrier of love that's a power don't come to an end if you want a job there's a job you can light up the world one person at a time You've been given that gift. You've been given that gift it's a gift that's what it is I was doing a meeting over in Delaware a couple years ago it was the group what the hell was it it was a weekend thing I don't know hope all people are drunks like me that's all I know and I was talking and my sponsor was there and I didn't know it was crowded There's about 1,100 people there, he said. I didn't know. And I'm not very smart. So I used to be real smart, but then I was real drunk when I was really smart. I ain't very smart anymore. So I can afford to tell the truth because I don't have to be smart. But I'm required to love you because you're God's daughter, you're G-d's son. And I must see that in you. Teresa told me that. I had a chance to talk to Teresa when she was in Baltimore redoing the vows of some of her nuns. And I used to go over there and deliver groceries and all that shit. These guys are weak as hell. They can't, you know. And I could do the dumb shit. I could move it. And Virginia, beautiful woman, recovering alcoholic nurse, she didn't like to drive at night in that neighborhood. It was a tough neighborhood. But I didn't mind that. I've been in tougher neighborhoods. And Teresa came to renew the vows of her nuns, and she invited Virginia, the nurse, to go over there because she would give these people these shots, and she was licensed to do that. And she liked to drive at night, but I loved her. And we got invited to talk to Teresa when she came to Baltimore. So I looked right at Teresa, and I was just far away from her. I said, Teresa, what's the hardest thing you ever had to do? She didn't bat an eye. She said, recognize God in his most disgusting disguises. She just like hit me like a two before across the head. It was so forceful. I have to say to myself, do I judge people by how they look or how they act in their worst disguise? Do I do that? I'd say, at the damn rate you do, Tom, you better start taking an examination on that on yourself and how to start doing that. Guess what happened? You started to see God in them. You say, God, I don't know that you hid in there. God says, you ought to learn that. Go look in the mirror and see if you can find me. I looked. I says, God. I know you're in there, but I think I got you buried sort of deep. But that's what love is for each other. We recognize it. When some of the Hindus will say namaste, it means the God within me acknowledges the God within you. That's how it means. So, if I acknowledge the God within you, how can I carry a grudge against you? Would you like to carry a grudge? Would you want to carry a grudge against God? not the one I got he's a no shit God you know you never want to mess with him you can't carry a grudge with God it's like carrying a grunge against love because God is love isn't it it's that simple that's it anyway I'm doing this this meeting in Delaware and I get finished and it was a pretty good meeting everybody was laughing having a good time some were laughing because I was funny and some are laughing because I'm just a damn fool but I don't care which hey look I don' t mind being I don''t want to be a smart guy I've been a smart guy I don'T want to be any of those things I thought maybe I'd like to be a real good speaker you know and tell you all the wise things I know and that turns me off too so I decided I'll just do it with humor and let God carry the message and I'll just be a clown for God I've been a fool for lesser things so I guess that would be the best way for me to go along so I'm doing this meeting in Delaware Wally comes up, my sponsor pats me on the back says Tom you did a wonderful thing right away I'm thinking how smart I am how wonderful I am and he asked me a sponsor question he says you used to deliver newspapers in South Baltimore as a boy didn't you yeah Wally why are you telling me this now he said I just want you to remember you know tonight you're just the delivery boy you're not the editor just deliver the papers that's your job so that's what I'm doing here tonight I'm just saying to you paper lady paper mister if you read it, it's your business if you put it in the bottom of a bird cage at least the living room floor will be cleaner who knows the bird might take up reading you never know I mean God can do those kind of things so so that is what we do we carry the message and we do it for free and for fun now if you do it for free and for fun it makes honesty a lot easier because I'm not trying to convince you of anything right so I don't have to say anything that's impressive right because I am not trying to convince you or sell you anything if you want to get drunk tonight go ahead have a good whack at it but Christ get to the end okay get it done get it over with our book tells us that get it ever with then come in and tell the new girl or the new guy how bad it got but don't get any better you will find that in doing these kinds of things that contradict logic in God's economy this is a spiritual economy somewhat above ours nothing is wasted nothing I am believable to you because of me sharing my failures with you cause you've been there too yeah that son of a bitch has been there and if he can get sober I can get silver see isn't that hope isn't it gives you more hope Many stained glass windows you ever saw. That's her job. Her job is not information. You watch these people come in. You go to these meetings. There's a new girl, and they give her a direct to your meeting. She didn't want to become a bus driver. Why are you giving that shit for? She comes in here because she's been to every place else, and it didn't work. This is the last shot for her. She is hopeless. Isn't that a good definition? Last shot for她? That's a good definition of hopeless, ain't it? Now, when you tell her the truth about yourself and you tell Her that in AA you found a help and you don't have to drink anymore one day at a time and you're happy about it, she'll want what you have. She will want what's yours and you give it to her. You give it. You give to her and you'll see the light in her eyes and the light will go off in you and you thought it was out. Then you say to yourself, my life has a purpose. I can help women that the hospitals can't help. I can't do this. I can tell women that the universities can't health. I can talk women that the philosophers and the doctors can't heath. I can do this and I'm just a plain woman but I have a power that flows through me and I never thought I was qualified I think his God is so big and he loves me so much he don't qualify me just like I don't judge people anymore he don' t have to judge me Christ he knows me he made me you know a Chevrolet you take a Chevrolet to a Chevolet factory they recognize they made that power you know they look at it examine it it's a Chevrelet God knows you and he loves you well Tom you don't know so many shit I did I did the same shit you did oh I did it before and you did the woman's version of it and I did the man's version that's clear enough ain't it I was thinking either one of us you weren't no nun and I was no monk so that takes care of that So these are the things we get to know. And look how they become valuable. Your shortcomings will be the bridge of hope for this woman who thinks she's nothing. Nobody's ever done what she's done. Then she finds out she ain't the first one who ever did it. I had a real stuffed-in-the-nose guy. he was a real big banker and he thought it was important so he came into my business I used to do business with this guy he was alright really his wife had more ambition for him than he had but it was ok he was married to her not me that was his punishment so anyway anyway oh Tom I'm a banker I don't know if I belong I said come here Eric I said sit over there the bankers sit over in that corner I said it loud so the other people I said what do you think you're the first banker eight guys over there they're all bankers okay he looked at me you got that many in here he said yeah them eight beat you here Christ we have to give you a number to get any more bankers in here now when you tell the truth and you're not trying to sell anything you know you could say that because you know it's true you're just saying that he knows he fits in he thinks he's different when you get here you're looking to find the excuse to get out isn't that true just come in and prove i'm not an alcoholic then i can go and drink and even i start to die i can say well i tried everything else i tried religion i tried medicine i even tried aa and it didn't work now i could right that's in the back of your mind i'm reading your mind i'm read mine out loud to you i can't help if it sounds like yours that's exactly what it is we're very similar we're not the same, we're similar that's what we are and that's the reason it's important for us to share because the hopeless woman or hopeless guy walking through that door can listen to you and get hope they can also get instructions from you and he can't get that any place else, nowhere that's God's gift to you that's God's gift to you what they used to do some old Indians it was a spiritual thing they used to have these battles and they used to use arrows and that kind of shit we've got very modern we use machine guns now they were crude people we're very civilized we could kill a lot faster anyway the they would take the braids and lay them down, what they call a long lodge. And they would lay them down foot to foot. And they would take an old warrior, one like me maybe, and they would put just a fancy cloak on him, nothing else. And when they had all these warriors' wounds treated as best they could, he would walk in and these young warriors were afraid they'd never been hit before by arrows or bullets or whatever they get hit by. He would walk in, he'd take off his cloak. They would see all his cuts and wounds and scars. And they would see all the scars and cuts and wound that he had survived. And they were getting hope. They would say the wounded warrior. As he walked in and they saw he was an old bastard like me. so he survived all those cuts and wounds that was hope they were laying there hopeless they had never been hit before and that's what you are you are a wounded healer anything you suffered any hit or cut you suffered that's part of your talent it's partof your gift go out and help God's wounded kids nothing is wasted in God's economy he loves you when we learn to look at it that way our whole perception on life changes stop judging yourself you're not qualified you're never qualified to take out somebody's appendix either why are you qualified to take at your own soul you just ain't like me I don't know why you ain't you figure it out tell me I don' t put much time on it either isn' t that beautiful that's how we live we live as an answer for other people most of the time we don't say anything we just set the example as Jim touched on that's what Alcoholics Anonymous says We don't advertise anything. What we advertise is this. We are a program of attraction, not promotion. And you ladies, you walk in simple human dignity. Don't stick your nose up. You know, some of them I see walking around, you think their virginity came back or something. They walk around, you know. Did you smell that on her breath, Tom? Smell what? I can smell alcohol on her breath. Well, Mary, this is an AA meeting. Where the hell do you want her to go? You know? It's AA. She's still drinking. There was a time when you walked in here, you were still drinking, and they now, you know, cut her the same slack they cut you. That's not hard. that's what we have to do recognize the God within that woman recognize that she has hope don't let her heart fail don't let her leave hopeless you are a wounded healer not somebody to judge somebody and throw them out you're a wounded hearer What a gift you have. No hospital, no university, no psychiatrist has that power. God has entrusted it to you. That's not unusual for God. He sent his son down here and he sent him to the synagogue. All these smart guys got all these scrolls and all this shit, you know, all kinds of stuff. And they didn't recognize what he was trying to do. So he had to go out and get some fishermen and some shepherds, a couple tax collectors. You know, guys like us and girls like you. That's who we had to get to carry the message. That's all. And you're always the messenger girl. Christ, you're only delivering the papers. You're not the editor. You're like me. Here you are, lady. Here's the paper. What's in there? I read it. Why don't you read it? I got something from it. Why don'T you read and see what you get from it? That's so it's that simple, isn't it? what did you get for it well I had a compulsion to drink and I wanted to die I don't have the compulsion to drink anymore and I want to live and I will help you if you follow my directions that's a hell of a change isn't it but that's the change that's in you now you don't need to go to four years to university to learn all that you've already graduated you paid all your tuition for Christ's sake It's expensive, ain't it? It's hard tuition to pay. You're already paid up, so go grab your diploma and go out there and work with the new girl. Right? Ask God in the morning. Morning God, this is whatever your first name is. I don't want him as Chrissy. This is Chrissy, you know. I know you know who I am, but sometimes I forget who I may say. let me know what you want me to do today I appreciate it if you would keep it sort of plain I'm alcoholic you know P.S. give me the gumption to get it done I'm also wayward that way you enjoy the prayer right and it's fun isn't it nice just being a little fool for God maybe God wants a smile. I wouldn't want to be God. You have all them serious people praying and all that shit. You know, God's got wheels going, got beads, and they've got all kinds of shit going on. God must have a hell of a headache, you know? You've got some of these people, they're screaming as they start singing. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm losing my hearing and sometimes, I tell you, I don't know, my hearing's really dropping off but somehow I don' t feel like I'm missing too much. You know, you hear all this fucking noise. I don't know. It's just Jesus. So what I, uh-oh, I went past. Well, I just want to thank you for your attention. I'm so glad to be with you people. I feel so comfortable with you. I just feel at home. I I don't have to explain anything to you. I just tell you this is what I did, and I don' t have to try to color it up or color it down because you know how to do that better than me. So save all that BS up. Yeah, I did it. Do I know why? No. Do you have excuse for it? Nope. I'm not... I told you I was in a nut house. They didn't put me in there just to fill a vacancy. they put me here because I'm nuts but I'm with you guys and I just have a wonderful time thank you