The Baffling Part of Alcoholism – Bob B.

At this time, the chairperson should briefly qualify. Requirements for chairing a meeting at Central Orlando Group's Saturday night speaker meeting or one year of continued sobriety attendance at a group conscious meeting. My name is Brian. I'm an alcoholic. I've done both of those and over the last year, my second year in sobriete, I've been a lot of growing, getting my children back in my life and my life is getting immensely better day by day. It has nothing to do with me. I did some work that's required called the 12 Steps. I worked with my sponsor and did what I was supposed to do And didn't drink in the meantime And that's the results That God gave me It has nothing to do with me And I'm glad to be here Thank you for letting me chair this month And happy anniversary to anybody who's celebrating this month The group asked me to remind you To please make sure your cell phones are off And refrain from moving around Or talking while the speaker is sharing Now tonight's speaker I'm going to introduce him But first I had to ask somebody else to speak and they had backed out on Wednesday and I was outside when they backed out because he had other obligations which he had to meet, which is okay. Me and my sponsor sort of went into a half a second of panic mode and I remember this wasn't really about me. It's about you. It's not about me at all. It's all about God and it has nothing to do with me and when I gave it up to God, the first person that came into my mind is the gentleman I'm going to share tonight. I've seen him over the last two years and he's gone through some stuff and he stayed sober and I've heard some stories about him being a wild man, so I really want to hear what he has to say because he really seems to be in the solution in doing this deal and I hope it helps somebody in this room because it already helped me that he said yes to me and I'm honored. I'm going to introduce you guys to Bob B. Good evening, everyone. My name is Bob. I'm an alcoholic. I was sitting in a restaurant before I came up here and I was going to say a little prayer, some of the things I wanted to say and make sure I don't try to come out right. I haven't spoken in a little while and I'm a little bit nervous, so bear with me and I'll try to get us in, get us out, get drunk, get undrunk pretty quick. And I don't know if any of you are familiar with, actually, you know what? Phil Oakley is one of the guys that, when I got sober, was coming around this club. And he had been coming to this club and he got sober in July of 1970. And he used to say his sobriety date and he usedと say his last name. And he died a few years ago. And one of things that he used то say to me, to a lot of people, but one of the things that I used to hear him say all the time were, bring your dreams to Alcoholics Anonymous. No matter what they are, your drunk dreams, your sober dreams, bring them to this program and go over them on occasion after you've been sober a little while so you don't sell yourself short. And let me tell you something. This dream right here, right now, me standing up here in front of you guys, could have never, ever in a million years imagined something like this. so thank you for my sobriety because I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you guys and I'd like to start over because I usually say my name is Bob Bingham, I'm an alcoholic and I've been sober since June of 92 by the grace of God in a program of Alcoholics Anonymous and I just came up here I had all these big plans while I was sitting there listening to you reading how it works and what I was going to say of course I didn't say none of them So but sobriety is absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't always I'm not always the best example of an alcoholic in recovery. I'm always the worst example of working the steps. It's taken a long time for me to get sober. I started coming here in 1983, May of 83. My first treatment center was in 1978 in California, and I was in the military. So it's been a little bit of a road trying to get sober. And I'll say this, and then I guess we'll get on to what it was like. When I came here in 83, I met a lady in Mako. Her name was Jeannie Roberts, I think. And Jeannie said to me, because I was a mess like 99.9% of the time back in them days, I was just a mess. And she said that people that have a hard time getting sober, when they finally get it, they get it and they hang on to it and they don't let it go because it's taken them so long to get it. I'll never forget her saying that. They stayed sober for a little while then, about 11 months, maybe 11 and a half months, and went back out and went blackout and went backyard. But that little saying has been really helpful for me in my sobriety now because you know what? Like I said, I haven't popped no pills, smoked no dope, shot no dope since 1992. And I tell you, for this curb climbing commode hugging drunk, it's a miracle. A lot of times I'll be in a meeting. I may not be the most spiritual person in the meeting. I may still use profanity probably, and a lot of time I'm not supposed to. I do a lot things that I probably don't, you know, but there's one constant in my life, and that's my sobriety. So no matter what you hear tonight, if you hear anything at all, hear this. I love my sobrietty with every fiber of my being. I don't ever want to lose it. I don' t care anything. Anything, you know, that's everything to me is my sobriety. And I don't, you Know, I can't say that enough. My little sister says Stephanie and you know what? She's here to keep me honest. I didn't really think she would come when I invited her. Although I'm just thrilled to death to have her here and I love her to death. And thank you very much for being here. You know, I started drinking as a teenager and grew up in the Northwest area. area of Chicago, and I remember somewhere around the 6th or 7th grade with a couple of buddies getting some, like a case of quarts of beers, you know, and like there was 12 quarts in a case or whatever. And I remember going to this little rich girl's party or something like that, and I drank and I got really, I remember being really drunk. I remember on and off, bouncing off walls. And this was, you know, like I said, sixth, seventh grade. I'm not quite sure. And the next day a couple of my buddies told me that, you know, you only drink this much and you were falling all over the place. And I didn't know it at the time, but as I got sober and I remembered and I went through steps and, you know, I think I spent the rest of my drinking career proving to everybody that I can drink like, you know, whoever. I could drink a hell of a lot more than that. That's for sure. And that's what I did. It seemed like I just, I was off and running from day one. I was alcoholic. I smoked the other, you know, extracurricular activities, shall we say. This is an AA meeting, and I am an alcoholic. Other things we did along with the alcohol course, I guess. Probably one or two of you have done that, right? Right. From the beginning, I was a scared little boy trying to run away from himself and trying to be a part of and be. You know, I Was the oldest in my family was me, my two sisters and my brother. Basically, I have an older sister that lives down here that wasn't living with us as we were growing up. But I was kind of the oldest and people looked at me as the direction, which is a damn shame. But, you know, I was drunk. And, of course, growing, you know, 14 through 17, 18, I wasn't drunk all the time, obviously. I drank on the weekends and if I could get away during the week sometimes with my buddies that we would do that. But from that point on it was like the most important thing to me. It was like I couldn't wait to get out of the house to go do that. Well, we're going to go do something with the family. You know, I'd rather be over here drinking and doing that. So it seems like from the very beginning, drinking started taking things from me because it took the relationship with my family away. And I say that I come from a dysfunctional alcoholic, I mean a dysfunctionAL family, and the only reason I say dat is because I'm the dysfunctionAL one and I'm in that family. So that made it dysfunctional. Sure, we all have our things, but this is about, you know. So going through the teenage years and that and drinking and not finishing high school because I was drunk and because I wanted to smoke and I was wanting to use and I wanted a drink and I didn't care about doing that. I wanted whatever. I wanted the immediate gratification to get high and escape. escape. And what in the world would a 14, 15, 16-year-old boy want or need to escape from is beyond me looking back. But at that time it was everything and I needed to do it and I did it. And 17 came and had an opportunity to join the Marine Corps. It wasn't the first opportunity. The first was the Army. They sent me over to the Navy and the Navy sent me over the Air Force. You know, one of those. Yeah, we'll take this son of a bitch. Come Come on, bring him in here. Kick him in the ass. So they took me. We'll shave him up. And they did. And it was amazing. Amazing. The Marines. United States Marines. I was thrilled. I wanted to be, you know, everything. I wantedto go to Okinawa. I wantedtodo this. I wanteddo that. I couldn't wait. You know? It was great. And I started drinking. Started drinking. All of a sudden, Okinawan. Crazy. Who would want to go there? iron your clothes I don't want to do that shit and I didn't and I slowly over the course of my four year obligation turned into two years and seven months because I didn' have time wanted to drink, wanted to stay high that was more important luckily I got I was discharged generally under honorable conditions and that was wonderful they did that I didn't really have a lot of problems, except I couldn't stay sober. And that was my first introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous. And in the military, having a military driver's license is kind of unique. So when you have one, they ask you to drive for them and do different things, and it's kind of a, like I said, it's a little bit unique. unique. So I was in this treatment center. This was May of, April of 78. And it was a six-week ARS thing in the Navy and the Navy owned it, whatever. And the first week or so, you know, I'm in there and I'm going to, all right, I want to get with it. I want to get sober. I don't want to learn. I'm not going to do it. You know, Bill Oakley used to say, I got to, I am going to mention this guy's name a few times. You And when I do, and if I misquote him and everything, please, please forgive me. Because I'm not here to misquote that man. And you know what? He gave me my medallion. One year he gave me mi medallia, my first medallian. I mean, I cried like a little schoolgirl. And I got them. You know what, he gave it to me. He said, here, him and Alverna gave me mine. So, you know, they just, they were there in the beginning. And so when I mention it, you now, it means a lot. But he said, he used to say things like, we're like three-inning guys. You know, we get to the thing and we're all gung-ho for the first three innings of the game. But after that shit, fourth inning comes along and I'm passed out with a beer. I'm done. You know? I get motivated for three innings and that's it. So, the first week at his treatment center, I'm gung ho about it a little bit and stuff. And they asked me and another man to drive the vans. There was about 40 of us in treatment, and I took the van. I drove to the meeting, and he drove tothe meeting. And over the course of about four or five days, people started changing. Certain people would go in this guy's van, and certain people wouldgo in my van. And my van would end up at the drug dealer's house on the way to the meetings. And we'd all get so high, we didn't even know what day it was. And then we'd go to the meetings. And meetings in California back in the late 70s were interesting, to say the least. I've been to meetings where you sit around in a circle and the chairperson does an out-of-body experience and he goes around and touches people and asks us if we could, you know. And it was kind of neat because I was so high up. I went, this is going to be awesome, dude. Holy shit. People are actually, wow. And I didn't know any better. I mean, I did, but I didn't. And the reason that I wasn't drinking was because we were taking Antabuse. And at the time, at the Time, I say, I wasnít afraid of it yet. Oh, there came a time when, I mean I was still afraid of It. I was scared to death of It, you know, because I believed what they told me. Do not drink on that stuff, because it will mess you up. And I believed them, and so needless to say, the six weeks of ARS treatment really didn't do a whole lot. And I got out of treatment and I think it was the end of April, early May of that year. In June, I was out. And I wanted to finish high school. I wanted to be a Marine. I wanted to go places and do things. I mean, I started out really with the best of intentions, you know, and I drank And I drank. And then everything went to hell. It didn't matter. I didn't, it didn't care. Whether you were my wife, my mom, my sister, my brother, it didn't mater. All I wanted was that next drink and that next high and that next whatever. So getting out, came back to Chicago. That's what we do, right? We go back home where people are going to take care of us. Nobody was taking care of me out there anymore. They were done with me. Get this guy out of here. Come back home. Which reminds me, I'm going to break for a real second here and tell. My dad was an alcoholic. And I really, I mean, you know this thing growing up, whatever. But when I got sober, I really should have realized he was an alcoholic way before I realized it because he has this really nice little family living out in Santa Barbara on the coast. He moved us in 1963, something like that, 64. He moved up to Cleveland, Ohio. He moved me from the coast to Cleveland to Ohio. The armpit of America. You know. So I found out that Dad's family is from there. So oh yeah, well no shit. He got in trouble out there, wore his hook mount and went back home. Took us with him. Son of a bitch. Would have been nice to live out there for a little while, huh? So I went back home after the Marine Corps, you know, following in my dad's footsteps. Didn't know I was following him. He died when I was 13, by the way, and my mom had remarried to a guy that really loved her, took care of her, wasn't an alcoholic, and his name was Bob, and we called him Uncle Bob. And he took her in with the four kids and, well, the three kids and me. You know, I was 14 and I, you know, me. So I came back home, got this hair thing going on, this beard thing, and I'm just looking raggedy as I could possibly look. And everybody's helping me. Mom's helping Me. Dad's helping ME. and I'm going through the whiskey bottles and the drinking and my sister's helping me. I used to leave my sister notes. I'd take some of her money out of her drawers and be a little IOU. She'd go to get her money to be an IOU from me. That justifies by saying, you know, that's an IOUL. It's kind of comical now, but we're so sorry. It's good though. So it's a good, you know, thank God for the promises. Especially the one that says we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Thank God we're able to look back at some of our stuff and laugh. When I first got here, during the first few years of trying to get here, I couldn't share this kind of stuff with you because I would cry. Because I would still like that. When you're still like dat, like who dreams of being rigorously honest and tolerant? like it talks about in that Step 1 book. No, the average alcoholic still drinking can't dream of this. I couldn't. And now I, you know, and I'm probably quoting that thing. I'm possibly tearing up them quotes in there. So please don't go, that's not what it says. It says this. I know. Sorry. I'm telling you I'm sorry now because I'm going to misquote some more shit before the night's out. So, everybody's helping me, and I'm drinking, and I'm drugging, and I can't get sober. It's not that I can. Yeah, it's that I can't. Page 34 says it. The baffling part of alcoholism is the utter inability to leave it alone no matter how great the necessity or the wish. That's my story. That's my drink. I couldn't leave it alone. I remember standing out in front of my house in Winter Park an orange, I mean on Minnesota and Bulge. Looking up at the sky, cussing God out, saying, all I want to do is not drink. Can't you just take that away from me? And then I'd walk in the house, get a little beer, and I'd say, gee, it doesn't even work. You guys taught me about faith without works is dead. I didn't realize. I thought it would just happen. But we had to do something. We have to at least do the footwork. Pray, ask guidance, and then do the foothold. March forward, right, Angel? We haveと do that. And I didn't know that. I thought it would just, you know, happen, but it didn't. And thank God that it doesn't, I think. I don't know if I would be as secure or, that's not really the right word, but as wrapped up in my sobriety as I am because, you Know, I'm just so utterly grateful that I don' t feel the need to go drink or the need for me to go, you Now, I don''t have that today. I have a little bit of nervousness being up in front of you guys. Don't worry, it's going away. You guys will be going, get that son of a bitch out of here in a minute. About ten after nine, you'll be throwing me off the thing. As long as we start talking about ourselves, we can't stop. You know how that goes, right? So I go into another treatment center in April. No, election brothers, I think I went in. Is it 81? I'm not sure of the year. Maybe the summer. her. And they put me in a locked ward for like 14, 10, 12, 14 days before I went to the treatment. And I was sharing this with my friend the other day that there was a woman in there and she would walk around talking about the jig is up. The jig is up. You know, what's her deal? But she would get she would would get these moments of clarity. And she would sit down and she would have a conversation with you and talk about things for, you know, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, an hour, I don't know how long. And then she'd forget all about them and go on and go and she'd be back with the jig is up thing. And if she got the moment of clarity again, she might not have no idea that she ever had it before with you. She had a moment of charity with me one time and another fellow was sitting at a table and she says, so you're telling me that all you you have to do is not drink, and you wouldn't be here? Because that doesn't make sense. She goes, I've got this thing that I lose my memory for days, months, weeks on end, and I go off the deep end, and she goes, well, I kind of understand why I'm here, but you, all you need, why don't you just quit drinking? I go, well I don't know. Thanks for that, you know. I wish it was, you know, and then she went off, and that, you You know, that was the only time I ever had a conversation with her. And I'm not even sure that I had that conversation with Her. I'm Not sure if it was me or a friend or whoever. But she had that, you know, and that was in 1981. And I still remember, like, it was because she said that. And I was like, wow, why don't I? Why don't i just quit drinking? What's the problem here? But I didn't. I got out and I drank. And this time, I got to experience that lovely feeling of drinking on anabuses. Wow. It's horrible. Horrible. It makes you want to wish. It made me want to be dead. I mean, I was throwing up. It was uncontrollable. I had the worst headache in the world. I was sick. I was this. But you know what's crazy? I knew that was going to happen before I drank. I knew it. They told me. And I believed them because I didn't drink the whole time I was in ARS. Two years earlier, three years earlier or whatever it was. But yet here I am drinking now, sitting in that alley, drunk. Drunk as true to brown. I'm sitting in a bar, right, drinking. And I'm feeling this. I'm feelin' the anabuse kicking in going, wow, that feels pretty cool. What is that? And that's the blood rushing to your head before you get this damn headache that's ready to blow your head off like that. And I'M thinking, and at that point, as soon as that happened, I'M done. I'M in the alley. I'M all over. I'm just, it was horrible. It's absolutely positively horrible. And I never want to experience that and I never want to see anybody else experience it. It's just, so, probably didn't stop drinking, of course. So I still had another place to do it, some more things to do. And I finally got out of the Chicagoland area and ended up down here in 1983 and met a man named Mike Murray. I don't know if you remember. A lot of you guys may or may not know Mike. We actually came here the same day on a Sunday night in May of 83. I think it was May 13th. I want to say it was March 13th I think that was my first sobriety date here. And it was at the house next door and that's when I met you guys. You guys are there waiting for me. Come on in, mister! And I did. And you welcomed me in with open arms. And I stayed sober for a little while. And I went back out drinking after 11 months. I went to the Dom, you know. I went through, excuse me, I went too, I guess I went Tameko before that because I met Jeannie and then I went for the thing and yeah. So I came here and you know what? I think I went To Meiko. Yeah, I did, in fact, Because Tom B. was my sponsor. She doesn't use his last name in meetings, so I'm not going to use it out of respect for him. I still think we can be a little too anonymity when we don't, you know. Because if you go to visit somebody in the hospital and you ask for, where's Bicycle Bob's room? They're not, they don't know him by that, you now. So, or where's that guy everybody calls Mr.? You know this guy. Who the hell is that? So, I've always been not a real close to God and stuff like that. But you guys have always tolerated me and you always keep telling me it will happen. That's God. That's got that's got. That's good. So, you know what? It's maybe slowly but surely going to, you Know, kick in there. Just I'm going to try to keep my mind open. and try to follow the right dictates of our higher power. The book says it, dictates our higherpower, right? The book said, you know, Jack is my sponsor. He got sober in February of 1975. And it took him 10 years to get sober. And I really identify with a lot of things he says. And one of the things that really pisses me off that he showed me in the big book because I was talking about how, you know, sobriety is enough. That's good to be sober, dude. Sobriety isn't enough. And he pointed it out and he read it to me about how we think an alcoholic who says sobrietry is enough is unthinking. Talking about, who says that? He said, well, you said you believe the big book. I said, I do. Shit. So I read that on occasion. I still say it on occasion, And I remember as soon as I say it, I know I'm, well, you know what. But to say that and to qualify it would be, I'm going to try to qualify that statement in a way that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt from trying this thing that I can't stay sober without Alcoholics Anonymous. I know that beyond a shout of a dot. No ifs, ands, buts at all, period. so if I say I can stay if sobriety is enough knowing that I can't stay sober without AA the problem it's not really a problem it's wonderful actually when you come into alcoholic synonymous and start working the steps you can't stay miserable you can you can you can you can unhappy you can you can not if you're working I can stay unhappy I haven't been unhappy I haven I haven't been – I've been feeling damn miserable sometimes. But I haven'T been wanting close, you know, drinking. And so knowing that and coming here and you guys giving me a hug and saying it's going to be okay makes it better. So in other words, so by saying that sobriety is enough and not knowing that I can't go stay sober without AA and then with AA it gets better regardless in spite of ourselves. ourselves. And I don't know what the hell I just said, but kind of, you know, somebody would be proud of me trying to justify something. So I'm going through, I'm down here and I'm coming to the meetings and I'M getting lots of people were here then. And Mary and Chet were one of them and Gypsy and Marion and Raymond and Obie, of course, you know, Washington, D.C., on 33rd Street, my home away from home. My little vacation site down there. My little work farm. I used to work. I'd help build it. Then I'd get arrested and go inside and watch them build. How did that happen? Oh yeah, I got drunk last night. For me, For the last 18 years, I've not been arrested. So that tells me one thing, that drinking and being arrested have a lot in common for me. I'm grateful that I haven't been arrested, thank you. I actually got stopped in Atlanta, not in Atlanta-Georgia in 95, and I thought they gave me a field sobriety test And I said, you know, I'm sober like 10 years, a little more. I still got this, you now, attitude of, I'll show you how to hurt me. I get out of the car and I'm like, why do you guys want to give me that? Why don't you just take me to jail? Nobody ever passed these damn things. That's what I'm saying to these guys. They ain't say nothing to me except, we'd like to step out of your car, please, and give you a field strike, you kno. And I'm giving them a total smart ass to these gays. but they took it in stride you know and they gave me the pills and they let me go and so and the guy says you know I guess you're the first one huh go get some sleep he says because I was really super tired can we get some sleeping and I said alright I will and I pulled off and I did I do follow directions when the law tells me to these days that's the one thing yes sir no sir I'm not afraid to tell you right now that I yes sir them and no sir them and no ma'am, yes ma' am because I like being out here versus being in here coming here for 83 drinking, not drinking and in and out is really really screws up your drinking it sucks I was in the FBI There used to be a bar called the FBI over on Fairbanks. Everybody familiar with that place? I was getting hammered, just really having a good time, you know. Spending all my money, getting ready to give up my apartment, just having a hell of a good times. And I feel this tap on my back, you now. Turn around and there's this guy, Joe Kelly. He mentions his last name all the time, so I don't have a big problem saying it. He's got about 15 people with him from here. What's going on? They're in there. They're going to play some pool and have a good time, a big sober thing. I'm shit-faced. I don't even know what day it is. I'm like, oh, Christ. You want to come over and say hi? Yeah, that's what I want to do. I couldn't even. I crawled out of that place. I probably could have walked under the door. You know what I mean? That's all. But that's how it happens to us. It screws your drinking up big time. Another time I was over at a place called Burton's over here off of Summerlin. And, again, I was in there trying to get rid of my paycheck just as fast as I possibly could before I, you know, would start paying any bills. I wanted to spend that sum, bitch. So I was doing that pretty good. And the woman that I always lived with had called my sponsor. So he came up there. And I saw him. He walked in. Some of you may know him. He went by the name of Happy Carl. Well, he never used his last name, so I don't feel like it's appropriate for me to do that. But came in and, what are you doing here? Well, Jan called me up and thought you might want to talk. And I said, well, let's see. Got about 75, 80 bucks left in my pocket. Not getting arrested. No, I don'T think I have anything to say to you. See you later. Have fun. Call me if you need me. So he left. And I commenced to do what we do best. You know, throw everything good in our life away. That's what I do best, what I did best. Somewhere between 19, you know, there's a lot of stuff that I'm not, I mean, I'm just not going to get into it. I forget the marriages and the ins and outs and the beautiful people that have been in my life throughout my life, you know, my wives. The first two wives were – that's them. No. The third wife was the most wonderful woman stuck by me from hell or high water to the end. We separated and ended up marrying another woman, and she actually got sober. I met her up in Charleston, South Carolina. and she got sober in September 11, 1993. So she was really pissed when that guy took over her gate in 2001, took her balloon away. She didn't like that, and I don't blame her. Her name was Ray, and she was my fourth wife, and she died with cancer last year. And every once in a while everybody meets that one, you know what I mean? And that was that one. You know, and I walked into that clubhouse, and then I said, you know, who the hell is that? And, you Know, that was the end. There was nothing. I mean, that Was it. I knew that was us, and it was. So there was a lot of things that I didn't get to share and, you know, that I haven't. But it's not because I don't want to. It's just because I'm nervous as heck, and I'm trying to keep this thing going, and, You know, I don't crash and burn yet. I will in a minute or two, but not yet. And so it's important to get sober too. I haven't got sober yet and I've only got a few minutes left. I got to get silver here. Let me get silver. All right. You know I still, I get on my knees every single morning and ask God to keep me sober. First thing I do is I get right on my knee and say God please keep me silver and help me to treat other people and do your will and not mine. and if there's anything I can do out there to help someone else see this, I'll do it. Every single morning. There's a little... I got this little drawing on my dresser. It's this drawing of this guy with a baseball cap on. He's sitting in the chair. He's got his Converse on. He's gotta head down. He's GOT a cigarette in his left hand. He's Got a beer can in his right hand. In a bag, of course, because we don't want no one to know what we're doing. I think that's so goddamn cool. Get a beer, put it in a bag so no one knows what it is. Walking down the street homeless and shit, got a beard down the ear, but no one know what I'm doing. But we do that. I did it. And so I look at this little picture of that man sitting in that chair with his converse on and his cigarette in his left hand and the beer can in his right and his head like this. And I go... And on the bottom it says, remember, we have a choice. And I don't feel like drinking every morning. I don' t feel like drinking ever any more than this. that I know of in recent history. But I like to look at that little picture because that's me. And I'm only this far away from a drink. And if I pick that drink up, I'm going to be that little man sitting in that little chair or in the 33rd Street again. And I don't want to be that guy. And so I finally somewhere along the lines in June of 92 went to 33rd street for the last time to date and hopefully I'll you know what else can I knock on the seat of that joint and all we really got to do is not drink all we got to do is no drink you can tell me how to stay out of jail just don't drink and you're absolutely 100% right I haven't been to jail so come here it was on a Monday night Aubrey was in the coffee bar at the old club and said I said that, you know, I came in a typical attitude that I have, you know, thinking that, what do they call that about something about we got this egomaniac living in a gutter or something. I don't know how the hell it goes. But I came here thinking I'm something special, you know. I'm all that and a bag of chips. And I'm not even, I don' t even have a bag of chips, I didn' t have a place to put a bag of chips but, you You know, I'm coming in here and Aubrey says, you know, how are you doing? I said, Scott, 31st. You know what I think I'm doing. I'm the same as I'm always doing. Except this time I just don't want to drink anymore. Damn it. I mean, you stop drinking. Aubrey stopped drinking in 1963. I think it was August. I'm not sure, but I think he stopped drinking. I think that was August, and he says, well, I am going to be your temporary sponsor. I said okay. All right. Cool. He said, well, go to a meeting. I said, yeah. He said no, there's one going on right now. Go to it. Because I was, you know, I will later. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette. See who's here. You know, all that. You don't want to go, let everybody know I'm here. I'd be killing shit. Most people are like Christ. So I went to the little room across the street was, I mean, in the old building, was the step meeting at 12 and 12. and that was my first meeting back. That's my silver meeting. That was my first meeting since I haven't had a drink since then. I haven' t had a drink since them. Pretty damn cool. So if you knew what Bill Oakley said to me, bring your dreams, talk to Ox Anonymous. I believe that wholeheartedly. Six months later Later, I was at the by-the-book meeting. And one of the things that I had never done in sobriety before was this four-step thing that you guys talked about, this inventory, this cleaning up the wreckage of our past. And I was in the meeting, I think it was in November, I don't know, November, January, somewhere around there, end of the year, beginning of the years, I don' t know, know, of 92, 93. Six, seven, eight months sober and I was in there and I was feeling, they were talking about the fourth step and I know I hadn't done it and obviously, you know, I've been bugging me a little bit about getting on it and let's do a fifth step type thing and I'm sober. You know, course, sobriety is enough. You know I started it right then. We think an alcoholic who says sobrietry is enough is unthinking. Yes, sir. Nina says in the meeting actually I started I started crying in the meeting she came around to me and I was feeling bad and I knew that it was just a matter of time before I picked up a drink because that's what I always have done and I'm like you know I'm just not going to get this four step bullshit you guys can have it and I said some other colorful words that I don't need to say tonight, you know. I'm kind of working on that. I mean, I'm still a newcomer. I mean I've only been sober 18 years. I'm trying to clean up my language a little bit. Bill said we should do that the first few months in sobriety. We should have all this shit cleaned up. And he did it. And he was an example. He was the walking, you walk the talk. And he said what he said he was going to do. And he taught me that when you say you're going to do something, do it. And stuff like that. that. So I'm crying, feeling bad, and now I'm going to drink, and Nina came up and gave me a big hug. Just go finish writing and get what I'll be doing. It's not a big deal. And for some reason it stuck, and I did that, and we went to this, I called them up, we're going to set up and do the fifth step, and so it was pretty bad, so we got to go somewhere was secret because, yeah, that's not a problem. They gave me a steak and shake on 1792 tomorrow morning. I did it as a steak and shake at the table and I'm looking, you know, are these people going to, you now? And it's not a big deal. It wasn't a big thing. It wasn' t a big What was a big deal was that I felt better. I mean, I don' t I don't know how much of it I felt better at that point, but I felt better. I felt good. I'm doing something now. I did something. I actually did a step. I mean, you could say you did step one. You could say you did steps two. Kind of say you didn't step three. Kind of measure that one a little bit. But step four, you had to write shit down. I bit something. Step five, I really did something because I told somebody Some of the things that I've done. Most of the things that I've done. And I did like the book says I went after we left there and I went by myself and I reflected for an hour to see what I was doing and what my life was like. What I really want to do is this what I want to be? Do I want to really be sober? Do I really want to have a good life? Hell yeah! But I just didn't know how to do it. That's how you do it. Look at I'm going to pick up a medallion tonight. And I don't mean to sound embraggered a little bit, but you know what? I'm so proud that I'm getting that in because I couldn't stay sober. I couldn'T stay sober 15 minutes if there was a beer bottle in the house. So when I say that, I say it with love and I will help anybody in this room, if I can, to do whatever. I will share what I did, you know, because I don't know how to do half this shit. I asked you guys how to Do it. Then I went on and did the steps, and I want to share this one thing, too, that when it came to step nine, there was a person that I owed money to that I really didn't think I owed any money to. I think he didn't do what he was supposed to do, and, yeah, some bitch, you know what I'm saying? So I didn't. So seven years went by. I still ain't paid a cent, okay? Oh, him shit, man. But seven years later, guess what? It's still bugging me. Well, that's the problem, I'm thinking. I mean, I wasn't thinking of denim. Somebody would say, well, it's still mugging you. I think it might even have been Lenny back then. It's Still Bugging Me a little bit, isn't it? Only when you bring it up. It's not bugging. It's Not Bugging me until you bring It Up. Well, guess What? what? It was bugging me because it was inside, right? So the strangest thing happened. There's a couple of strange things that happened and I know everybody says, oh yeah, it's a God thing and you're probably right. So I just got like $1,500. I made a decision, all right, I'll pay him. Do it, whatever. I'm tired of going into the hardware store and feeling, and, oh Christ, he's in there again. Dang it, I'm going to bump into him. He's going to remember. He never said a word, not one time ever. Probably didn't even remember me. Of course, you know how we are. Well, self-centered in the extreme, everybody remembers me. That's something that's better than remembering me. He didn't. I paid him. I got a check, came in the mail from the IRS. It was about $1,500 or so, right around there. I went down, called him up. Today I want to tell you guys, I want to clear the slate table. And I was waiting for this. She goes, what we're going to do is we're not going to charge your interest. OK? Mail the check as long as we have the check by the end of the week. Pretty ungrateful BIPs. I mailed a check. You know what? I mailled it because that's what I was told to do. And I bitched about it. I didn't do it without bitching. I didn'T mail the check before I bitch and cried I had a moment and groaned and said, that ungrateful, I shouldn't mail the check. I should do this. No, what you should do is do what you said you were going to do. Throw it in the bank, write a check, and mail it. And I did. This is where it gets really good. Check this out. When I went back into the hardware store, I didn't even think about that guy. I didn' t even think whether he's in here or not. It didn' d even cross my mind. It was gone. It was gone! Friggin' gone. So, we have that measuring thing inside of us that tells us when we do the right thing and when we doing the wrong thing, and apparently I've been doing the wrong things a lot of, you know, because I was hard at it and I didn't want to do it. But then when it was gone, I knew I did it. So, if you feel like you might be a little slow at getting this thing, you feel likes you might going in and out, You don't have to give up on yourself. I gave up on myself a lot of times, and you guys would come and grab me, hold me up, give me a big hug, shake me a little bit. No coins fell out, though. It didn't happen to me. And I'd get, all right, I'd come back to the meeting. All right, i'll do that. Yeah, all Right, I'll do it. But so if your sponsor or somebody that maybe cares about you a little bit asks you to do something, you know, maybe they're asking you because they care about you. Maybe they're saying, hey, I haven't seen you in a meeting in a while. Are you going to meetings? Yeah. Meeting makers make it. We can say all that stuff about, you now, it's not the meetings to keep you sober. It's this and that. You know what? Maybe it is. Without the meetings, I'm drunk as Cooter Brown. I guarantee it. I didn't say it. I almost said it. Anyway, so what else does the guy say? He comes up here. I share what it was like. Like it was, the book says, bear with me one moment. The book talks about my life, about page 34 for sure. The utter inability to leave it alone no matter how great the necessity of the wish. That was my drinking. the last line in step 1, 12 and 12 says we become willing to do anything to lift the merciless obsession from us so maybe that's what happened maybe that is what I did but I believe when they say the student is ready the teacher will appear and that happened to me and then so after I did that somewhere else in the big book it says we were rocketed into the fourth dimension dimension of existence that we couldn't even dream. And I know I misquoted it, so please but I like it. And I am there. I am in that fourth dimension of existance that I haven't even imagined before. And again, my sobriety is second to nothing in this room. It's the absolute most important thing in my life and I hope you feel the same way about your sobriery. I did something for my sobrietty today. What was it? Well, I can tell you without a doubt I got on my knees and asked God to keep me sober. What's God? Who knows? But I can tell you that God's an acronym for good orderly direction. That much I do know. I don't know what it is, where it comes from, or how it works. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is an acronym for good ordered direction. And you know what else I believe? I believe that angel believes. And that's enough. And that' s what Aubrey told me. He says, Do you believe I believe ? I said, Well, yeah. It's been over a long time. He goes, That's enough, mister. Thank you very much for my sobriety. Thank you.