The 12th Step and Sponsorship – BB Workshop – Part 11 of 14 – Bill L.

Hi everyone, my name is Mike and I am an alcoholic. Hey Mike. Good to be back here this week and good to see some faces that I haven't seen in a couple weeks. For the past three plus months we have covered the first 11 steps as outlined in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. This evening we will begin our 12th step, which is actually covered in five chapters. The 12th Step is outlined in chapters 7 through 11, and I didn't know that for a long time. I thought that the only place in the big book That the 12th step was described Was in chapter 7 Because that's where it talks about making a 12-step call And finally, a couple years ago Someone pointed out to me What I used to non-affectionately refer to as Those chapters But someone pointed out To me and got it through my thick head that those chapters being 8, 9, 10, and 11 include a lot of the principles of our program and of our steps. So instead of referring to them as those chapters today, I refer to the chapters that come after Chapter 7 as the Practices Principles chapter because I believe there's a lot OF good information in there. and whenever I do something like this, whether it be in my home or in an environment like this or a weekend or what have you, and I'm sure if Bill was here he would agree that we also try to cover as much information in the practice of principle chapters as we possibly can, sometimes because of lack of time it's difficult, but we'll try to do a pretty good job with that over the next couple weeks. The packet for this evening, there's eight pages. First page is a really good article on old-fashioned 12-stepping. Second page is entitled Tips on Making 12-Step Calls, and the first article actually referenced these tips. So the two go hand in hand. page 3 is the 12 steps of a sponsor, which I would like to actually read in a minute. Next page is the twelve rewards. It was written by a gentleman who was in prison, and lately correction work and institutional work has been on my heart. So that's definitely a direction that I'm getting pulled in. And the last two, four pages is entitled 1944 AA Sponsorship Pamphlet, and it was written by Clarence Snyder, who was the founder of AA in Cleveland and who was about the 40th person sponsored by Dr. Bob. And Bill and I love Clarence so much because he's probably the least talked about character, if you will, in Alcoholics Anonymous. Probably because of his abrasiveness and his uncanny ability to just call it like he saw it. But he pulled no punches, and I think it was for that reason and a couple other reasons that AA in Cleveland saw a 93% success rate in the early days of Alcoholics Anonymous, while other areas that AA was in didn't have that high of a success rate. But Clarence's group and a lot of other groups in Cleveland and the Akron area contributed to our original 50% to 75% success rate, which we talked about earlier on in the book. Twelve steps of a sponsor, and I like these. One, I will not help you stay and wallow in limbo. 2. I will help you grow to become more productive by your own definition. 3. I Will Help You To Become More Autonomous, More Loving Of Yourself, More Free To Continue Becoming The Authority Of Your Own Living. 4. I Cannot Give You Dreams Or Fix You Up Simply Because I Cannnot. 5. I Can Not Give You Growth Or Grow For You. You must grow for yourself by facing reality, grim as it may seem at times. Six, I cannot take away your loneliness or pain. Seven, I can not sense your world for you, evaluate your goals, or tell you what is best for you in your world. You have your own world. Eight, I could not convince you of the crucial choice of choosing the scary uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of not growing. 9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend Yet I cannot get close to you when you choose not to grow 10. When I begin to care for you out of pity When I began to lose trust in you Then I am toxic, bad, and inhibiting for you 11. You must know my help is conditional I will be with hang in there with you As long as I continue to get even the slightest hints That you are trying to grow And twelve, if you can accept all this Then perhaps we can help each other to become what God meant for us Mature adults leaving childless forever to little children And I like the spirit of where that comes from Because a lot of it hooks into what we're going to read over this evening It particularly speaks to page 96 that warns us, you know, if we try to help one person too long that doesn't want to be helped, we're going to spoil our opportunity to carry a beneficial message to someone else who really wants and needs the help. So it warns not to waste too much time on a person who just doesn't want the message that Alcoholics Anonymous has to offer. If you would, turn to page 89 before I get into the reading for this evening. The 12th step says, having had a spiritual awakening, and in the way the step was originally written, it said having had an experience of spiritual awakening. Having had a spiritual experience. as the result of these steps we try to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. So, we like to take a look at the 12th step in three parts. Having had a spiritual awakening, carrying this message and practicing these principles in all our affairs. So this chapter does not speak to having had a spiritual awakening, nor does it speak to practicing these principles in all of our affairs, but it does give clear-cut, precise and specific directions on how to carry this message. now if the first part of the 12 steps says having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps that means all the work that we've done that has preceded the 12th step and this 7th chapter will produce a revolutionary spiritual experience or a spiritual awakening. In other words, the first nine steps have changed me. And as the result of that, I've had a spiritual awakening and now I'm able to go out and bring that message to my fellow brother and sister. And it's real simple. the question often comes up well how do I know when I'm ready to sponsor someone how do i know when i'm ready to speak or how do we know how do you know when i'm going to do this or do that in alcoholics anonymous and the question for me is become i know when i am ready to do those things when I've had the spiritual awakening. And I've had the Spiritual Awakening as the result of the first 11 steps. And it's no more complicated. It's not complicated. It's as simple as that. So, the second part of the 12th step is carrying this message to other alcoholics. and we'll start on page 89 chapter 7 working with others practical experience shows that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics it works when other activities fail this is our 12th suggestion carry this message to other alcoholists the group that meets here on Thursday evenings. When we formed the group, we decided to name it Carry This Message. Quite often you'll hear people refer to Carry The Message. I've even seen some groups called the Carry The Message group and that's not what... It's okay to call it that. I don't care. But this book says carry this message for the simple reason that they're referring to this message in the book. This message that was generated to us through the pages that we've just gone through of the book and will continue to go through up until 164. This is the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not to carry my message in an AA meeting because quite frankly for a long time my message kept me drunk and my message may cause you to get drunk so I'm very clear on what message I'm to carry in AA it says you can help when no one else can and man that's a great promise because I wasn't being helpful to anybody when I got here. You can help when no one else can. I mean, what an incredible promise. You can secure their confidence when others fail. So why is it I can help other alcoholics when no-one else can? Why is it that I can secure their self-confidence and their confidence I can lift them up when other people can't do that? How come I can do that How come you guys can do that because of the identification factor? It told us early on in the book, one alcoholic working with another alcoholic sharing experience, strength, and hope. And that's the common bond we have. Because I suffer from, because we all suffer from the same illness, we can be uniquely beneficial to each other. Psychiatrists could never help me. My father could never help me, non-alcoholics they could help me with other areas of my life but quite frankly I was never willing to listen to them anyway but when I came to AA alcoholics were able to help me because I related I identified We had this same common problem. And I was able to see that they took certain actions that brought about results in their lives and relieved them of their alcoholism, and I saw that, and I said, well, if that can work for them, it can work für me. But as long as a person who was different from me was telling me what to do, I could never get it. I just never understood it. And anyway, Alcoholics Anonymous never told me what to do. You guys shared with me what you did. And therefore, I was able to do what you didn't apply to my life and now I have my own experience. It tells us to remember that they are very ill. When I'm working with a newcomer, I've got to remember that they aren't just like I was when I initially came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I've got to put myself in their shoes, and it's going to tell me that later on. So remember they are very ill. And this is a great set of promises. Life will take on a new meaning to watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends. This is an experience you must not miss. we know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives. It goes on to say, perhaps you are not acquainted with any drinkers who want to recover. And I don't know if that necessarily applies today unless you're on the Greenland ice cap or something. But it says you can easily find some by asking a few doctors, ministers, priests, or hospitals. And when this book was written in, or published rather, in 1939, they had to put these things in here because there really was, there wasn't an established fellowship. So we had to go out and search out other drunks who wanted to recover. And in many cases, if you read some of the history literature, the early pioneers of AA searched out some drunks that didn't want to recover and had absolutely no interest in quitting drinking and did stuff like pulling them off of bar stools and crazy stuff like that. um so we don't we don'T necessarily we can usually find enough alcoholics to work with right in our very own fellowship but guess what there is a still need there still is a need to go to these doctors ministers priests or hospitals for the simple reason that alcoholics Anonymous has something called committees. And anyone who's familiar with general services knows about the public information committee, the correctional institution committee, the treatment facilities committee, and on and on and this is where we communicate with the doctors, the ministers, the priests, and hospitals. And pretty much today, the extent of communication that we have with these individuals is more of an informative type pitch that we are Alcoholics Anonymous. If members of your clergy or your patients or what have you have a drinking problem and they would like to get help, then we're Alcoholics Anonymous. We're here to help. And quite often a lot of good 12-step calls come through these contacts. It says these doctors, ministers, priests or hospitals will be only too glad to assist you. Here's a nice warning. and all throughout this chapter and I guess to give you a little sneak peek of next week next week we'll have a handout entitled 12 Step Tips and what Bill and I did fall of last year we literally went back through the beginning of the book all the way to 164 and we pulled out we excerpted all the references any statement or paragraph that we felt was a 12-step tip towards sponsorship or making 12-stepped calls or anything that promoted helping an alcoholic. And I tell you, that sucker's 20 pages long, 10 pages front and back. It's incredible how many references. I think we came up with over 300, And I'm sure there's more in there. So this here, and we'll have that next week. So this statement here, don't start out as an evangelist or a reformer. That's one of the tips. So as I go through this chapter, I'm going to focus on some of the twips. the twits tips on making a 12-step call or helping other alcoholics. It says, unfortunately, a lot of prejudice exists, and that's true. You will be handicapped if you arouse prejudice. Ministers and doctors are competent and you can learn much from them if you wish, but it happens that because of your own drinking experience you can be uniquely useful to other alcoholists, as I said before. So cooperate, never criticize, to be helpful is our only aim. Again, that's another guide, another 12-step tip. Top of page 90. When you discover a prospect for Alcoholics Anonymous, find out all you can about him. If he does not want to stop drinking, don't waste your time trying to persuade him or her. You may spoil a later opportunity. so a young lady or a gentleman walks into one of our meetings and they're here just checking out the scenery they reek of alcohol and we speak to the person and they tell us that the court system's on my back or wifey-poo's on my back and the family and on and on but I really don't think I have a problem and quite honestly, I don't want to quit drinking well, you're welcome to come to our fellowship, but until you want to quick drinking there's we're not really going to be of any use to you So that's what this speaks to you That's what This speaks to Don't waste your time in trying to Persuade a person that doesn't want To quit drinking I did that in my early years At 12 Stepping And it says you may spoil a later opportunity You know With my So called Evangelical enthusiasm I'm sure I scared off A lot of people and hopefully they're able to go to other people that got the help. And I also like to think that I have tamed down somewhat since. So this advice is given for his family also. They should be patient realizing they are dealing with a sick person. If there is any indication that he wants to stop, Have a good talk with the person most interested in him, usually his wife. Get an idea of his behavior, problems, background, the seriousness of his condition, and his religious leanings. You need this information to put yourself in his place to see how you would like him to approach you if the tables were turned. So the same guy comes back in six months. This time, his problems aren't because of wifey poo. His problems aren't because of the courts. His problems are not because of this or that. He is licked from booze. He is ready. He is in a state of surrender. Now we got something to talk about. Now I am able to carry a beneficial message to this person. And this is what I can do. I can get some information on his background. I can tell him my story, and it's going to tell us that in a couple of minutes. I can get an idea of the seriousness of his condition. Is this guy a periodic? Is he the type of alcoholic that will go on a binge for a week or so and then he's able to stay bone dry for a couple months? Or is this guy just, he's always drinking, he can't stop drinking. His physical allergy for alcohol and his mental obsession is that strong where he just stays in the grips of alcohol and alcoholism. And we like to get this information to kind of gauge how we're going to work with this person. The way I work with people today is a lot different than the way I used to. I used too put myself in a little box, and everyone I worked with would have to fit in that box and if you didn't respond to what I had to offer then maybe you should go see someone else and I simply don't think that way today because of the experiences I've had I think everybody's different and me personally I need to be flexible enough to be able to be just as effective with the New York stockbroker or the Valerie Bum. It doesn't matter where we come from, the illness the disease is all the same and I just go with my intuition today as far as how do I need to pursue with someone? Do I need to take them through the first nine steps like real quick? Bill and I have been known to take people through the first eight steps in a matter of just a weekend. I've also taken people through the First Eight Steps in a couple or few months and I gauge that by intuition. And over the days and the weeks, I'm able to get a feel for where they're at and what they need. How dare I cram something down their throat that they just don't need? Why am I going to take someone through the process quickly that maybe needs to go through a little bit more slow? Or how about the guy that just can't stop drinking? Literally gets three days removed from alcohol and goes back out and drinks. What about that person? Can I be effective for him too? Do I have the ability and the experience to take this person through the steps quickly so he or she can get their spiritual experience and then they don't have to go back to drinking anymore. I surely wasn't able to have that type of flexibility up until a couple years ago just simply because I didn't have a lot of experience with 12-stepping. So it comes with time. For me in the beginning, it was necessary to have that little box. So I don't know if it was necessarily, but that's what I did and that's what worked and that is what got me to where I am today. Lately I've also been saying that it was neccessary for me and I feel that anyone who does the work that this work group does out of the big book I think it's necessary and very humorous that we all go through what I like to call an evangelical period where you're just up on your soapbox and you're preaching the big book and you are trying to jam the big book in the places where it's not meant to be put and you know that's not for everybody and that's even for me today but I had to go through that for a period of time to realize that I just didn't have to be that way. And the edges got smoothed over after a while. But, man, when I got struck with this message, when the Spirit of God came into my life and I realized that my purpose on this planet was to be useful and productive to other people, especially alcoholics, there's no way I couldn't be enthusiastic about that. So as Bill would often say, I really went off there. Okay, so you need this information to put yourself in his place to see how you would like him to approach you if the tables were turned. Sometimes it's wise to wait until he goes on a binge. The family may object to this, but unless he is in a serious physical condition, it is better to risk it. Don't deal with him when he is very drunk, unless he is ugly and the family needs your help. Wait for the end of a spree or at least a lucid interval. Then let his family or a friend ask him if he wants to quit drinking for one day at a time. Just don't drink today. Oh, you just don't have to drink hour by hour. Well, that may be some advice that we hear in our rooms, but what this sentence says is if he wants to quit drinking for good and if we cross reference that with Dr. Bob's story Dr. Rob would ask his prospects do you want to give up liquor for good and for all see I got this confused a long time I thought I thought when what the book says is that we live life one day at a time and as the result of living life one day at a time practicing these principles I don't ever have to go back to whiskey again and of course in the beginning it's necessary to take a day at a time, to take an hour at a Time because I'd never be able, in the beginning I wasn't able to quit drinking any other way, I mean I was literally hanging on by my toenails but this book says that the prospect wants to quit drinking for good and there's a second condition to that and we've already referred to this in the book several times if he would go to any extreme otherwise known as any length to do so so the third tradition applies I've got to have a desire to stop drinking. Or as the third tradition was originally written, an honest desire to stop drinking but there's also a second point to that. I've Got to be willing to go to any extreme to do that and nowadays I explain to people what any extreme or what any lengths looks like. And I'll explain that in a minute. So if he says yes, then his attention should be drawn to you as a person who has recovered. E-D. There we go with that recovered word again. You should be described to him as one of a fellowship who as part of their own recovery try to help others and who will be glad to talk to him if he cares to see you. so this is how I explain to people what any links looks like an example a person comes up to me in a meeting and says Mike will you be my sponsor and they've probably just heard me talk in a meeting somewhere or maybe they like what I have so to speak but a lot of people have absolutely no idea what sponsorship entails if we're sponsoring people out of the big book. So I'll explain to them exactly how I sponsor someone because it was how I was and continue to be sponsored and it's the way the first 100 men and women were sponsored and it is the way this book directs us to sponsor other people. And I tell them, well Let's talk about that because I may not have what you want and I may not have what you need. I'm not the type of person that quite frankly, I don't have time in my life that if you call me every day in a week two times a day, I'm just simply not going to be reachable. But what I will do for you is take you through our steps out of this book so that you too can have a spiritual experience and then you can go help others. And when you're in a depression or you're self-pity or you are caught up in self and you are just not feeling too good about yourself, you can help another alcoholic. Yeah, it's important to talk to your sponsor about these things if you are all jammed up or got problems in your life or what have you. But this book is rooted in I've got to get out of my selfishness and self-centeredness and begin to live life unselfishly. So in other words, I've Got to Get Out of Myself and Get Into You. And that's what I try to impress upon them right from the very beginning. Don't get me wrong, I don't like to use the word baby, But I do spend more time with a brand new person than I would with someone who has been through this process and who's awakened spiritually. Because the brand newperson is a walking dead man. And I can't get or keep that person sober, but I am responsible to do the best possible 12-step job that I possibly can. because that person's life is literally in my hands and I'm very cognizant of that fact and I take this stuff real seriously. So, I tell them this. I give them a little exercise and this is usually for a person that's been around the fellowship for a while, let's say five years and is suffering from untreated alcoholism. Hasn't had a drink for five years, but it's just dying of the spiritual malady that we talked about for many weeks. And this person I term as a person who has a little more grace period than the drunk that just can't quit drinking. So I give him an exercise to do. I tell him to read the doctor's opinion in the first 164 pages. Now, most people probably aren't going to be willing to do that. I wasn't. And because of my own experiences, I know why people don't read the first164 pages when they come in. And this doesn't apply to everyone, but it applied to me. I didn't really know how to read when I came in. I could read, but I couldn't comprehend. You ever read a sentence and get to the next one And had no clue what the previous sentence said My memory just wouldn't retain it So I really don't pressure them too much To read the book by themselves Because simply a lot of people just aren't capable of doing it There is the rare person that They take like a fish to water And they devour this book But that wasn't my experience So I don't harp on that too much, and I sit down with them and sort of hand-carry them through the book like that. But I will have a person who's been around for a while turn to page 59 and read our 12 steps, and i'll have them answer two questions, one at a time after reading each step. The two questions are, is this the work you want to do? And the second question is, are you willing to go to any lengths to do this? So it looks like I turn to 59 and I read step one we admit it we're powerless over alcohol dash that our lives have become unmanageable and if I'm the person doing this exercise I ask myself is this what I want to do do I want to admit admit meaning to let in let in truth that I am powerless over alcohol and dash that my life has become unmanageable. Do I want to do that? Do I wanna make that admission of personal powerlessness and unmanagability? Question two, am I going am I willing to go to any lengths to do this step? And I explain to the person what any lengths looks like. Because for a long time I heard in the fellowship, well you've got to be willing to go to any lengths. You've gotto be willing if your sponsor tells you to go in a corner and stand on your head in your underwear, that's any lengths! That's not any lengths, that' ridiculous. That's no any lengths according to this book. According to this books, any lengths is to follow the directions in this book to take these steps to get the effect produced by taking these steps which is a spiritual awakening. That's the any lengths. So I described to them what any lengths looks like. Let's take step four. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Is this what I want to do? Do I want to take this step? Yes. Well, am I willing to go to any lengths to take the step? Well, I don't know. What does it mean to make a searching and fearless moral inventory? How do I do that? Well, let me tell you. We're going to use the second half of chapter 5, how it works we're going to write three inventories a four column inventory on resentments we're gonna write an inventory on fears we're Gonna write an inventory on sex and other harms done to others we're also gonna write a sex ideal for future sex life And I explain to them a little bit about the four-step process. Not too much, because they're probably not going to get it. But just enough to not soft-sell it. Because what's the sense of soft-selling a four-stepped? I'm just cheating the person that I'm working with. So I let them know that, hey, this could be a difficult deal. there's going to be a lot of work on your part involved in this and I let them know what that looks like and I will absolutely without a shadow of a doubt help them to the best of my ability I will help them and if I can't help them with a particular item in their inventory by God we'll find someone that can night step I don't soft sell the night step gotta make the amends I was talking to one guy one time and he's like well I really didn't hurt anybody I really don't have any amends and I said well said to myself I know that's a lie in the section on amends night step it says most alcoholics owe money and Bill and I like to rewrite the big book, so we say all alcoholics owe money. I know I surely did when I came in. And I had a pretty good feeling that this gentleman had some money to pay back. So I said, do you owe any money to the IRS? And he said, well, yeah, but that, you know. I said, do you have any other debts? Well, yeah, but that's seven years and bankruptcy and statute of limitations. And I said, I didn't ask you all that. I said do you owe money? Alcoholics hate to give a yes or no answer. It's like the hardest thing to do next to quitting drinking. Do you owe money. Have you taken money that didn't belong to you or didn't pay back money that you were supposed to pay back? Etc, etc. Well, if you put it that way, yes. Okay. That's what the ninth step looks like. One of the things that the ninth steps requires you to do to the best of your ability is to pay all the money back. In some cases, that's That involves the AA payment plan. You guys ever hear of that one? AA payment plant, dollar down, dollar a week for the rest of your life? Some amends are simply like that. We have to make them over a long period and in some cases a lifetime. But again, I don't soft sell what we're about to do and I explain to them in about 20 or 25 minutes exactly what any length looks like and I do exactly what Chapter 7 says, I outline the program of action. And I give them that information and I let them know what it looks like, that if they decide they want to do this, that's what it's going to look like. And then I have them answer the two questions with each step. Is this what you want to go? Is this your plan to do? And are you willing to go to any lengths to do it? It says on the last paragraph of page 90 If he does not want to see you, never force yourself upon him. Neither should the family hysterically plead with him to do anything, nor should they tell him much about you. They should wait for the end of his next drinking bout. You might place this book where he can see it in the interval. Here no specific rule can be given. The family must decide these things, but urge them not to be over-anxious, for that might spoil matters. Usually a family should not try to tell your story when possible. Avoid meeting a man through his family. Approach through a doctor or an institution is a better bet. Here's an important one. I used to think that I could play God and if I had the opportunity to pull drunks off the street and throw them in my basement and sober them up. But this, I don't see it that way anymore. It says, if your man needs hospitalization, he should have it, but not forcibly unless he is violent. You know, alcoholics die from the DTs. It's a terrible thing. And I don' t play doctor with this thing. I put him into an emergency room or there's still a few rehabs open up around here let the doctor if he will tell him he has something in the way of a solution when your man is better the doctor might suggest a visit from you though you have talked with the family leave them out of the first discussion under these conditions your prospect will see he is under no pressure. He will feel he can deal with you without being nagged by his family. Calling him while he is still jittery, he may be more receptive when depressed. And that's very true. Usually it's the people we have a hard time 12-stepping are the ones that are out of rehab for 28 days. They're feeling good. They've been having three hots and a cot. and they're all pumped up with vitamins and they are ready to go to Alcoholics Anonymous with an x-ray of their liver under one arm and a $35,000 big book under the other arm. Usually those are the ones where I like, I got this thing licked. You know, I've been to rehab, I'm okay. But the ones who are just coming off a drunk who are still shivering, shaking, and detoxing off of whiskey. Those are the ones I like to talk to. Again, not when they're violently drunk, but when they are just coming down, like I was when I first... I didn't enter AA until I was three days removed from my last drink. And I was still feeling the effects. I was depressed, but I was receptive because I wanted to help. so it says see your man alone if possible that does not mean go on a 12-step call by yourself we always go in pairs at least what that sentence says is see your men alone if possible means exactly what it's been saying in the previous paragraphs see him outside of the family don't talk to him while he's sitting on the couch with mommy and aunt Bessie get him while he is by himself it's very important to do a 12 step call with another person I haven't had this experience per se but I know a lot of people who have I have some people who are close with me where trunks have become very violent. In some cases, guns have been brought into the picture. I've heard stories where people have gotten shot on a 12-step call. So a friend of mine, Dave, he calls the second person that goes on the call with you, he calls that person the safety. before we even go 12 step the person we usually make a decision who's going to basically lead the deal who's going to 12 step the guy and the other guy is the safety he's there for protection in case the guy goes bananas whether it be guns or knives or what have you. So again, I urge upon you, never interact with a drunk by yourself. Matter of fact, in the early days, they would put the drunk up in the hospital, in Akron particularly, with Dr. Bob and Sister Ignatia and all the other cast of characters that Bill is better inclined to tell you the history about. But they would set the drunk up in the hospital and give him a private room, and over a series of several days, sometimes these drunks were being visited by 20 people, all going in there to tell them their story. Not his story, not to talk about his drinking, But for me to tell the prospective member of Alcoholics Anonymous what my drinking was like so he could identify with that and say, well, God, I'm just like you guys. You guys aren't drinking today. What did you do? And then we can give him the spiritual solution. So back then, the hospital in Akron would just get flooded with people going on what they used to call the visit. That's what it was called in the early days. At first engage in general conversation. After a while, turn the talk to some phase of drinking. Tell him enough about your drinking habits, symptoms, and experiences to encourage him to speak of himself. If he wishes to talk, let him do so. You will thus get a better idea of how you ought to proceed. If he is not communicative, give him a sketch of your drinking career up until the time you quit. Again, tell him your story. But say nothing for the moment of how that was accomplished. If he's in a serious mood, dwell on the troubles liquor has caused you, being careful not to moralize or lecture. If his mood is light, tell him humorous stories of your escapades. Get him to tell some of his. When he sees you know all about the drinking gang, commence to describe yourself as an alcoholic. Tell him how baffled you were, how you finally learned that you were sick. Excuse me. give him an account of the struggles you made to stop. Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done in the chapter on alcoholism. That's chapter 3. What a beautiful chapter. Particularly for people who have relapsed. A beautiful, beautiful chapter because they give several examples on the mental twist which leads to the first drink. Excellent chapter. If he is alcoholic, he will understand you at once. He will match your mental inconsistencies with some of his. And all that sentence is saying is he will identify. And once he or she identifies, we got them hooked. It's like putting bait on a hook and catching a fish. When one alcoholic can relate to another alcoholic, we've got them. It's a beautiful process to watch someone literally light up because they identify that they are just like you and you're not drinking anymore and you seem to be living a pretty good life and that's called hope. Beautiful thing to watch someone get hope in their eyes. If you are satisfied that he is a real alcoholic, begin to dwell on the hopelessness, the hopeless feature of the malady. And we can also add to that, dwell onthe hopeless featureof the spiritual malady Show him from your own experience how the queer mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the willpower. Don't at this stage refer to this book unless he has seen it and wishes to discuss it. And be careful not to brand him as an alcoholic. Let him draw his own conclusion. If he sticks to the idea that he can still control his drinking, tell him that possibly he can if he is not too alcoholic. I love that. if he is not too alcoholic, but insists that if he is severely afflicted, there may be little chance he can recover by himself. Continue to speak of alcoholism as an illness, a fatal malady. Talk about the conditions of body, physical allergy, and mind, mental obsession, which accompany it. Keep his attention focused mainly on your personal experience. explain that many are doomed who never realize their predicament. Skip down to the very last line of the page. It says, even though you're a protege, notice it doesn't say baby. It doesn't saying pigeon. And really in the first 164 pages there's nowhere that it says sponsee, although I do use that word from time to time. But the words I like to use are protege and prospect. And this chapter uses both of those words. The prospect is the man that we're making the 12-step call on. He's a prospect. You're not really sure if he's in or he's out. Does he want the fellowship in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous? We're not too sure, but we're making the pitch. We're 12-stepping him. The protege is someone that I have hooked, so to speak. They identify. They want to do this. They want it. They want me to take the 12 steps of Alcoholic Anonymous, and I've, to use the term loosely, I've taken them under my wing, so to speak. They're a protege. Definition of the word protege is a very special person. And I tell you, anybody that I work with is very special. They're very special because they help this drunk. They help me more than I could ever help them. So I don't like to refer to people that I worked with as babies, although that term does have some historical significance. I've been told that it comes from Dr. Bob, and, you know, that's okay. That term is used heavily in California, and that's OK. And I don't use the word pigeon. I heard a guy say one time, well, I refer to them as my pigeons because they crap all over me. I don't like that. I don' t like that! They don' re crap all over me. People only poo-poo all over me if I allow them to. Other alcoholics, like myself, are sick. Of course they' re going to do things that I don t like. They' re alcoholic. They' r just like I was and still can be. So I like to refer to as either my friend or a protégé. And these people are a joy, I'll tell you. So even though your protégée may not have entirely admitted his condition, he buys some of the first step, but he's still having some problems seeing the entire ball of wax. He has become very curious to know how you got well. you know he knows he has a problem but he's just not ready to admit it but he sees something in you so it says let him ask that question if he will and it says in italics tell him exactly what happened to you exactly if he says what did you do to beat this game of alcoholism what have you done to recover. Let them know. Let them know the spiritual experience that you have as the result of doing these steps. And this is when we can now stress the spiritual feature freely. We hold back a little bit on it in the beginning because we don't want to scare the guy off. Stress the spiritual feature freely if the man be agnostic or atheist make it emphatic that he does not have to agree with your conception of God. Again, that's an italicized writing. He doesn't have to believe in what I believe in. He can choose any conception he likes, provide it and make sense to him. The main thing is that he be willing sounds like a taste of step two here, huh? The main think is that he be wiling to believe in a power greater than himself and that he lived by spiritual principles. He'd be willing to believe in a power greater than himself, step two, and that he'd live by spiritual principals all the rest of his steps, three through twelve. When dealing with such a person, you had better use everyday language to describe spiritual principles Don't get too Freudian, don't get Too Clinical or Medical. use everyday language and that's a great thing about Alcoholics Anonymous the fellowship and that is a great think about our big book is that this book is written in drunk language it's written in a way that I can relate to there is no use arousing any prejudice he may have against certain theological terms and conceptions about which he may already be confused don't raise such issues no matter what your own convictions your prospect may belong to a religious denomination or I've actually made the Freudian slip and said religious domination that also implies in some cases his religious education and training may be far superior to yours in that case he is going to wonder how you can add anything to what he already knows but he will be curious to learn why his own convictions have not worked and why yours seem to work so well he may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient to be vital faith must be accompanied by self-sacrifice and unselfish constructive action faith without works is dead what are the works? the works is self-sacrifice and unselfish constructive action. Let him see that you are not there to instruct him in religion. Admit that he probably knows more about it than you do, but call to his attention the fact that however deep his faith and knowledge he could not have applied it or he would not drink. Perhaps your story will help him see where he has failed to practice the very precepts he knows so well. Again, that's the whole thing about knowledge and information versus experience. I can have all the knowledge in the world. The prospect can have All the Knowledge About Spiritual Matters in the World, but if he hasn't had an experience with it, then he's not going to be able to quit drinking. The same was the case with me. we represent and this is a great thing about AA we represent no particular faith or denomination we've opened this whole thing up to anyone we're very inclusive and thank goodness for that I mean if you're Christian, Jewish Hindu Buddhist Native American whatever welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous because AlcoholicsAnonymous talks about a universal God Alcoholics Anonymous talks about a higher power AlcoholicsAnenomous talks about for deep down within every man woman and child is the fundamental basic idea of God Alcoholics Anonymous talks about start where you are. Do you believe or are you even willing to believe that there is some power that can help you with your alcoholic problem? Great thing about AA, it's universal. Outline the program of action explaining how you made a self-appraisal steps 4 and 5 how you straighten out your past steps 8 and 9 and why you are now endeavoring to be helpful to him step 12 so what I do with the prospect during that 20 to 25 minute and it by all means varies conversation quite often this happens over the phone during that conversation I do exactly this I outline the program of action and that's what I was describing before I give them a snapshot of what the 12 steps looks like I describe that to them and I let them know what any lengths looks like what they're going to have to do if they want to take the steps that we've taken to recover from alcoholism it is important for him to realize that your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your own recovery and I let him know that and I led him know this that he may be helping me more than I am helping him that is so true some of my some of the best ways that I've been helped in Alcoholics Anonymous has come through my failures saw a guy a couple weeks ago I got sober with him actually I got sober before him and my sponsor my original sponsor sponsored him and you know I was in that evangelical piss-and-vinegar mode after about six months or so of sobriety, and I always wanted to help this guy. Yeah, we had the same sponsor, but I was going to help him too. So I saw this guy a few weeks ago, and he was drunk. He was at a meeting, but he was drunk and he couldn't stop drinking. And one eye was way off and he was in bad, bad shape. And it broke my heart to see that because over the years, and I hadn't seen him in a few years because where I saw him is where I originally got sober in central New Jersey and I don't really get a chance to go back there too often anymore. But during the early days of our recovery, me and this guy got real close. And I would go over his house sometimes with the intention of playing Mr. A.A. and trying to help him and you've got to do your inventory. But quite frankly, I was going through a real rough patch in early sobriety, I would say within my first year. And I would simply go over to his house with the intention of trying to help him. And I ended up getting helped more. I ended UP not drinking as the result of it. I ended up sitting down with this man's family and breaking bread with them and playing with his little children and watching Jurassic Park with them. And I didn't have to pick up a drink that day. And I was able, I reminded him of this even when he was drunk. I just felt it from my heart to do that. And I reminded Him of this and I just encouraged him and I know it's difficult for you to quit drinking, but keep trying. When you get the booze out of your system, grab somebody because I live far away from them, but grab somebody local here that does this work and does the steps and have this experience. And I was just really able to have compassion for this guy. And it wasn't something that I had to muster up, it just came from within me. And I let him know, I said, man, you helped me so, so much. And I just let him known, Let other people help you now. So I have no idea where that came from. Actually, it came from He may be helping you more than you're helping Him. Make it plain He is under no obligation to you that you hope only that he will try to help other alcoholics when he escapes his own difficulties. And that was the same message that I passed on to Bob. Suggest how important it is that he place the welfare of other people ahead of his own unselfishness. Make it clear that he is under no pressure, that he needn't see you again if he doesn't want to. You should not be offended if he wants to call it off or he has helped you more than you have helped him If your talk has been sane, quiet and full of human understanding You have perhaps made a friend Maybe you have disturbed him about the question of alcoholism And this is all to the good The more hopeless he feels, the better He will be more likely to follow your suggestions Your candidate may give reasons why he need not follow all the program He may rebel at the thought of a drastic house cleaning Which requires discussion with other people Do not contradict such views tell him you once felt as he does, but you doubt whether you would have made such progress had you not taken action. On your first visit, and all the information that we've covered so far has been about the first visit. Next week we're going to get into the second visit. On your First Visit, tell him about Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. If he shows interest, lend him your copy of this book. Unless your friend wants to talk further about himself, do not wear out your welcome. Give him a chance to think it over. If you do not stay, let him steer the conversation in any direction he likes. Sometimes a new man is anxious to proceed at once and you may be tempted to let him do so. This is sometimes a mistake. If he has trouble later, he is likely to say you rushed him. You will be most successful with alcoholics if you deny exhibit any passion for crusade or reform. Here's definitely a couple tips. One gentleman I know refers to this as the 12-steppers decorum. Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop. That's one. Two, simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. Three, show him how they work for you. Four, offer him friendship and fellowship. and five, tell him if he wants to get well you will do anything to help. If he is not interested in your solution if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurt some more. If he sincerely wants to see you again ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. And that's exactly what I do with them. I ask them, do you want to go along with the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous? He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within. Just like the desire to quit drinking must come form within. The desire to find God, or the desire to go through with the program of recovery must come from within. If he thinks he can do the job in some other way or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience. We have no monopoly on God and we merely have an approach that worked for us. But point out that we alcoholics have much in common and that you would like in any case to be friendly and let it go at that. and this guy wants to go to church and attempt to get sober through religion, then that's fine. Don't stop that. It works for a lot of people. We have no monopoly on God and certainly we don't have the only solution to alcoholism. We just have the best solution that works for the greatest amount of people do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once search out another alcoholic and try again you're sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer we find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you if you leave such a person alone he may he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and to be happy. One of our fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others who have since recovered of their chance so again if the person doesn't want what you have to offer, let them go go on to the next person and don't try to cram this thing down someone's throat who's not swallowing it because you just may be preventing yourself from being available to another alcoholic who really does want this thing. We'll stop there for tonight, and next week we'll pick it up in the middle of page 96 where it says, suppose now you are making your second visit. Thanks for letting me share. Thank you.