That Resentment Replay Machine in My Head Plays the Same Tape Until Column Four Shuts It Off – Mike L.

Good morning, everyone. My name is Mike, and I am an alcoholic. Before we begin, let's have a moment of quiet time to invite the God of our own understanding into our hearts and ask for an open mind and the willingness to have a new experience, of course, followed by the serenity prayer. Serenity prayer. God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will not mind be done. Okay, as we get a couple other people coming in this morning. Good morning. So basically what we did, guys, is we just opened up and we took a moment of quiet time and we said the serenity prayer. And as we know, as a group, we're taking the 12 Steps of Alcohol Synonymous in four one-hour classes as they were taking in the mid-1940s. During this session, we will begin step four and provide you with guidelines for completing your inventory. During the next week, each person taking the step should discuss his or her inventory with a sponsor or a spiritual advisor. Before we begin, Debbie and Juan, if you would, just look on the back table there and pick up one of the booklets with the red cover, because we're going to use that for this session. So last week, we took the first three steps together in class. Is there anyone here this morning that didn't have the opportunity to take the first three steps last week? We all did that together? All right. Okay. Okay. And we agreed upon that. Basically, the third step is nothing more than a decision to turn our thinking and our actions over to the care of God as we understand them. And we also decided to go through with the remaining steps of the program of recovery. Okay. So what I'd like to do to open up this meeting before we get into the fourth step, let's just say the third step prayer together to reaffirm the decision that we made last week in step three. So let's just say the third step prayer together. It's on page 63 in the book, or if you see one of the cards in front of you, you can read it from there if you need to. Third step prayer. God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness, to those I would help, of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. Okay. Now we can move on to the fourth step. Step four. May the searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. If we'd all turn to the bottom of page 63 in the big book, it tells us that what we need to do now, is to realize that we've made our decision. It's on the bottom of page 63. It tells us what we have to do. It says, next we launched out on the course of vigorous action. The first step of which is the personal housecleaning. And what they're talking about is the first step in the personal housecleaning, which of course we all know is step four. Okay, so the fourth step, is going to be the first step in the personal housecleaning. Okay, so the fourth step, is going to be the first step in the personal housecleaning. Okay, so the fourth step, is going to be the first step in the personal housecleaning. And the book tells us, this is something that many of us had never attempted. Again, this is on the, now we're at the top of page 64 in the big book. It says, though our decision, which is step three, was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect, unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and to be rid of the things in ourselves, which had been blocking us. All right. We discovered last week in the third step, that some of those things are calamity, pomp, resentments, fears, fear, guilt, shame, or remorse from our conduct. And those are all the things that are blocking us. Basically, that's our character defects and our shortcomings. It says, our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down the causes and conditions. Now let's remember that the book said, we do this at once. Okay. It didn't say we take step three and we wait a year. It says upon doing the third step, we take step four at once. This means we take the four-step inventory immediately after step three. We have to get rid of those things, which have been blocking us off from God, or else our initial contact with our creator won't last. And we found that initial contact last week in step three. We had to put the four-step inventory available after step three, and all of the four-step inventory we have become the last thing we need. After that is done. We will move on. so what are these causes and conditions that the big book talks about well the book uses a lot of different words meaning the same things says damaged or unsalable good flaws in our makeup defects of character shortcomings and it even uses the word wrongs all these things have the same effect they block us off from god the book starts the fourth step by comparing a personal inventory to a person to a business inventory in the first full paragraph of page 64 the book says therefore we started upon a personal inventory this was step four a business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke taking a commercial inventory is a fact finding and a fact-facing process it is an effort to discover the truth about the stock and trade one object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods you get rid of them promptly and without regret if the owner of the business is to be successful he cannot fool himself about values so we're going to conduct the equivalent of a commercial inventory on our lives we're going to discover what had blocked us off from the sunlight of the spirit next the big book tells us exactly what we have to do to conduct the four-step inventory says we did the same thing with our lives we took stock honestly question see what there is a forsaken depth and what exactly that is in our poison being convinced itself at three different ways toward one had the mood we're going around video worldと思います pigeons so and Sarjan process as well there before Batista we have provided so much wealth and scheme in the world we have to tuirou there is no going Sw ר for anymore social anhions to this society she drunk 나중에 regulam ablas divine interaction with a provided a guide booklet for you and if you just walked in you can get one of the guide booklets with a red cover on it by the table back there. And that booklet covers steps 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and we're going to be using it for the next two or three weeks. We're going to read the clear-cut simple directions that the big book documents for us and use the guide booklet in conjunction to help us start and complete our inventories. We're going to take the fourth step exactly the way the big book prescribes. Let us reassure you the fourth step is not difficult nor should it be a tedious process. Within seven pages of text the big book gives us precise instructions on how to make a good beginning on facing and getting rid of the obstacles in our path. Now the first manifestation itself we're going to look at is our resentment. In the third paragraph on page 64 the book says, Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease. For we have not been only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. Now here's the great hope. When the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically. So for a physical and mental illness. We have to be mentally and physically ill. We have to be mentally and physically ill. We have to be mentally and physically ill. We have to be mentally and physically ill. When we have a mental problem, the book is going to give us a spiritual solution. Resentment basically means to re-feel or feel again. The little big book dictionary, which can be found on the back table back there, gives us the following definition for resentment. It says a persistent feeling of ill will and suppressed anger caused by a sense of injustice, injury, offense, or wrong done. And it's to resent. To resent. means to feel again strongly or to relive again. Anyone that's heard the Joe and Charlie tapes, they talk about that resentment replay machine, that tape in my head that replays the past events of people injuring me, whether it was fancy or real. That tape that just plays over and over in my head. Let's first look at the simple step-by-step, column-by-column procedure the big book gives us for writing the resentment inventory. Six lines from the bottom of page 64, the book tells us, in dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We looked at people, institutions, or principles with whom we were angry. So on page two of our guidebook list, it gives us an example of the resentment inventory, and it's the same example that's found on the book. It's on page 65 of the big book. Let's look at page three of our guide, which lists examples of people, institutions, and principles that alcoholics are commonly resentful at. Okay, is everyone there? Page three of the guide. To help us get a start with the first column of our resentment inventory, we're going to go down the list of names on this checklist. Generally, alcoholics know exactly who they're resentful towards, unless you have a deep-seated resentment. The names on this list should help you list the people, institutions, and principles that need to be listed in your first column. Okay, so we're going to do a four-column resentment inventory. This is the first column. Once we've checked off the names on this list, we're going to transfer them over to the four-column inventory sheet that is on pages four and five of the guide. As I read through the list of names, check the ones with whom you're resentful. You're resentful towards, angry with, or feel any ill will towards. All right, pages four and five of the guide are to be used in class. And pages six and seven are the same thing, except it doesn't have that little box in the upper left-hand corner. And what you can do with the guide is pages six and seven is the four-column resentment inventory sheet. You take the guide booklet like this and just run it over a photocopier, and you make additional sheets. If you don't have access to a photocopier, there's a few additional copies on the table back there. All right, what I would ask you to do is, if you do have access to a photocopier, please make them from these sheets. Don't take the ones back there. Let the people that don't have access use the sheets back there, if you want to use the sheets at all. You know, it's not a real problem. So, if you have access to a photocopier, please make them from these sheets. All right, i'm asking you all to say please stop your seventies. Now, akel those sheets that were the ones I found show up. These are from again from TULA. I don't know where they are from. If you're an hour using theffiti, I'm counting from aisons of 10-watt. So, I'm just going to give you the text here for your scientists. I'm going to. So, let me start with the the more advanced studentsko is the first slide. Okay. that apply to us that we're resentful towards, have any anger towards, or any ill will. All right? Usually, people will ask me, well, how about if I'm not sure if I have a resentment against this person? And I usually go by the basis of, if they're in your head, and if you're asking that question, write it down just in case. I'd rather take a couple minutes of writing on paper just to run it through the four-column process just to make sure rather than have this resentment in my head and killing me later on. All right? So when in doubt, write it out. So we're going to read through here. And if it applies, just check it off, and we'll transfer the names over later. Okay. Okay. Father or stepfather. Mother. Stepmother. Sisters or stepsisters. Brothers or stepbrothers. Grandmother. Grandfather. In-laws. Husbands. Wives. Aunts. Uncle. I go on too fast. Cousins. Cousins. Clergy. That's priests, rabbis, ministers. Guys that wear those funny little white collars. Police. I want to see ten to paper now. Lawyers. Judges. Doctors. Doctors. Employers. Employees. Coworkers. Creditors. That's people we owe money to, of course. Childhood friends. And if you can remember a specific friend, just kind of jot down the name next to it. School friends. Teachers. Like the one that gave you an F on the exam. Lifelong friends. best friends, acquaintances, girlfriends, boyfriends, parole officers, probation officers, AA friends, imagine that. And maybe military friends. I had a couple of those. And you'll notice there's also a few lines. And if you want to take a couple minutes to just ask yourself if there's any more people that need to go on this list, then you can jot them down. Okay, now we're going to go through a few institutions. How about the institution of marriage? The Bible? Church? Religion? Races? Law? Authority? Government? The educational system? The correctional system? Mental health system? Any philosophies? People of different nationalities? And also, which is not on your list, but I know a lot of alcoholics have it, especially ones that have been around a while in and out of AA. How about rehabs or hospitals? Okay, you can just kind of write those in. Okay, and of course write any additional ones that you have that aren't on the list. Please don't limit yourself to this list. That's not what the list is for. Okay, principles. The God deity. The principle of retribution. The Ten Commandments. Jesus Christ. Satan. Death. Life after death. Heaven. Hell. Sin. Adultery. The Golden Rule. You know, doing to others as you would have them doing to you. When I first came to AA, I used to say, do it to others before they do it to me. Or the seven deadly sins, which of course the twelve in twelve goes in the great depth about. And again, list any other ones that aren't on here. Okay. And again, list any other ones that aren't on here. And again, list any other ones that aren't on here. And again, list any other ones that aren't on here. I don't understand. You said principles. And do you mean that principles that I have a resentful for these principles? Yeah, any of these principles or any other ones that you resent. Like another example of a principle is love thy neighbor. Different man-made laws. You may not have any. I tell you, my first inventory, when I first got sober, I didn't have any principles on my list because I didn't have any principles. I mean, that's just the way it was for me. Okay. Move forward. Great. The first column of our resentment inventory is complete. And if it's not, you can review it later on and through the week and add anything additional. And if it's not, you can review it later on and through the week and add anything additional. And if it's not, you can review it later on and through the week and add anything additional. What we're going to do now is transfer a couple names we just checked off to the first column of the inventory sheet on pages four and five of the guide booklet. What we're going to do now is transfer a couple names we just checked off to the first column of the inventory sheet on pages four and five of the guide booklet. What we're going to do now is transfer a couple names we just checked off to the first column of the inventory sheet on pages four and five of the guide booklet. All right? This sheet is a sample for us to use in class. Please use the sheets on page six and seven to make additional copies for yourself during the next week. Please use the sheets on page six and seven to make additional copies for yourselves during the next week. Now let's take a couple of moments to jot down the two biggest resentments we have. the two biggest resentments we have. Transfer the names from your resentment inventory prompt sheet on page three of the guide to the first column, which is unresentful at on page four. Okay, what we're going to do is a couple examples on the board, but let's first go over the directions for columns two, three, and four. All right, follow along on pages 64 and 65 of the big book and at the same time, follow along on pages four and five of the guide booklet. Okay, the second column, which is in your guide booklet, is entitled The Cause and the second instruction is three lines up from the bottom of page 64. It says, we asked ourselves why we were angry. All right, so I'll take a look at my first column and if I have Pete and Harry in the front row, I'll take a look at my first column and if I have Pete and Harry in the front row, I'll take a look at my first column. first column, I'm going to ask myself, why am I burned up or sore at Pete and Harry? All right? What did they do to make me angry? That's what I'm going to write in my second column. In the second column, it's what they did to me that caused me to be angry or resentful to them. All right? I'm resentful at Pete. He punched me in the face. The second column is, he punched me in the face. So list all the resentments you have for each name. And remember, you can have more than one resentment towards a person. You know, maybe Pete punched me in the face. He slept with my wife and took all my money. That's three separate resentments. All right? And they can just be brief bullets. In the third column, which is entitled, Affects Mine, the third instruction on page 64, the last three lines, and page 65, the first two lines. And we're going to be looking at seven areas of self. Okay? It says, in most cases, it was found that our self-esteem, that's the first area of self, our pocketbooks, that's the second, that's our money, our ambitions, that's the third, our plans for the future, our personal relationships, that's the fourth, including sex, that's five, were hurt or threatened. In the first paragraph on page 65, the big book repeats itself. It says, on our grudge list, we said opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem? We already have that one. Our security? That's a new one. That's six. All right? On the guide sheet, it says emotional security. Our ambitions? Our personal or sexual issues? Our personal or emotional situations which had been interfered with. And from the lower right hand corner of page 65, in Bill's resentment inventory example, we get the word pride. That's the seventh area of self. Okay? So that's the seven areas of self that are affected by resentments according to the big book. Remember, our self-esteem is how we view ourselves. Pride is how we think others think about us. are our plans for the future. Our emotional security is our general sense of personal well-being. Right? Basically, that means, am I okay? So when the first three columns are complete, the big book tells us to pray for the people we resent. Well, why would we want to pray for these people? We need to rid ourselves of these resentments. Well, why on earth would we want to be free of resentment? Shouldn't we justifiably be angry with these people? Don't we have a right to be burned up? Well, let's see what the book says on the middle of page 66. Again, with that third column, just put a checkmark. If what they did to you affects a specific area of self, just check it off. Okay? So on page 66, the book says, It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. Right? So resentments are going to kill us. For when harboring such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. The insanity of alcohol, all right, the obsession of the mind, the insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again, and with us to drink is to die. Well, that's very simple, isn't it? The book says very clearly, if we continue to hold on to resentment, we will drink again. How do we get free of anger, as the book suggests we do? The next couple of paragraphs, deal with a prayer. First, the big book asks us to turn back to our list because it holds the key to our future. Then they tell us to look at it from an entirely different angle. On the bottom of page 66, the book says, this was our course. We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. So we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us. Right? We looked at the second column. They, like ourselves, were sick too. The next few lines are prayers to rid our resentment. This will make more sense when we do it on the board. This is the prayer found on the top of page 67. We ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended, we said to ourselves, this is a sick man, how can I be helpful to him? Right? We're asking God how we can be helpful to the people we resent. That's a miracle within itself. It says, God save me from being angry, thy will be done. That's a prayer that I try to use on a daily basis when resentment or anger occurs in my daily life. Let's do some examples on the board of the first three columns and then we'll do the fourth later. So first we're, remember when you do inventory, it's from top to bottom. You do all the, can everyone see this? You do all the first column first like we did with the names. Okay? And you're just going to list the names from top to bottom. Don't go for the first column. Okay? You can do inventory from left to right. You can try that, but it's my experience. If I try to do inventory from left to right, I'm going to get confused. Okay? But if I stick to one column at a time from top to bottom, I find it's helpful because that, my mind, my thought patterns can only see one thing at a time. Okay? So, would somebody like to share one of the tips? One of the people or institutions or principles. One of the names that you have in your first column that you're resentful at. Juanita, would you like to throw one of yours up here? And we'll put it on the board. Okay. How about one more? Anybody else want to do one? Steve, Bill, you got one you want to do? Father? Okay. Debbie, you got one you want to run through here? Okay. Okay. So, we have a list of our names. All right? So, now we're going to go to the second column, which is the cause. I'm resentful at my aunt. She won't come to my wedding. Okay? Juanita, why are you resentful at your mother? Because she's very loved. Okay. Now, throughout the past few years of doing inventory, and I've done, I'm currently on my fourth resentment inventory. I've just found it necessary to do this process over and over again. And I like to stay current in it. The more and more I do this work, the more and more I see it necessary to find truth in the second column. Okay? In the second column, I've learned to try to stay away from statements like, I never, all right, things like that. So, what I would ask you is, is that the truth? She never showed love to you? Never, ever? Or were there some times she didn't show love to me? Most times. Okay. Most times. All right. See, it's important that we write down the truth in the second column. Because if we don't, the rest of the inventory is going to be a lie. Okay? So, if we write in the second and the fourth column based on a lie, or the third and the fourth column based on a lie, what's that third and fourth column going to be? A lie, right? Okay. So, we want to see truth. Steve, your father. Why are you resentful towards your father? Because he and I have had trouble. He's not stuck on any more than me. No. And my personal relationship with him. Okay. He didn't like to reach out that much. Okay. I'm going to put down, didn't reach out. And I'm sure if you thought about it, you can narrow that down a little bit more, get a little more specific. What we try to do in the second column is look for specific instances, like you mentioned about the school and stuff. You know, he didn't help me with my schoolwork. Stuff like that, maybe. Okay. All right. Debbie, Eric, why are you resentful? What do you have in the second column for Eric? Okay. I love left-means. I really love left-means. All right. Because what I found out, I had a couple left-means. And, well, I'll tell you that when we get to the fourth column. All right. Now we go to the third column. We do first column, top to bottom. Second column, top to bottom. And when all the first and second columns are finished, we go to the third column. And we're going to do each third column from top to bottom, too. Okay. Some people like to write down in the third column exactly how the seven areas itself were affected. All right. But I found it helpful for me as a beginner and other people going through this for the first time. We like to just do a check mark. Okay. But we can verbalize it in the words as we go through it. So I found out with my aunt, by her not coming to the wedding, it affects my self-esteem. All right. And what the committee in my head tells me when my self-esteem is affected is that nobody should treat me that way. I'm better than that. Remember, self-esteem is how I view myself, what I think about me. Okay. All right. I'm better than that. Nobody should treat me that way. Nobody should abandon me. All right. So Juanita, your mother, most times she didn't show attention to you. Does that affect your self-esteem, how you think of yourself? Okay. By your mother not showing attention to you, does that make you feel any less self-esteem? Any less or more of yourself? All right. So it affects your self-esteem. Okay. And just for a little check mark. Okay. Father, by your father not reaching out, does that affect your self-esteem? Sure. And by Eric leaving you, Debbie, did that affect your self-esteem? Of course. Okay. I'm saying of course like it's in my inventory. All right. So now emotional security. Remember, security is my general sense of well-being about myself. All right. And of course, by my aunt not coming to my wedding, it most definitely affects my emotional security. All right. I'm not feeling too good about myself. She doesn't love me. She doesn't care about the woman that I'm going to marry. So emotional security. All right. So now I'm going to talk to you about what you think of yourself. And I'll be talking to you about your body and your mind and your mind. And I'm going to do a couple of questions. So what I want to do is I want to ask you a couple of questions. definitely affects my emotional security all right i'm not feeling too good about myself she doesn't love me she doesn't care about the woman that i'm going to marry emotional security is my general sense of well-being all right basically how i can see if my emotional security is affected i ask myself the question am i okay okay your mother emotional security okay father eric okay let's next thing is pocketbook which is our money now by my aunt not coming to the wedding do you think that would affect my pocketbook regardless of what i have written on the board there you go see that that's where my alcoholic mind goes right but i want to deny that because i'm the spiritual man i'm the spiritual man that doesn't think i need to have anyone give me money you know a couple years ago i probably would have said no to that you know but that that's definitely a yes mom is that what i'm telling you yes it is okay pops okay all right so we'll leave it blank for now okay eric all right my ambition my plans for the future by my aunt not coming to my wedding does that affect my ambition i certainly think so it affects my relationship with my aunt in the future all right it affects that any plans i might have had for her and and of course my my grandmother if my aunt doesn't go my grandmother can't go because she's 92 years old all right so i have that check mother ambitions all right father plans for the future yep personal relationships absolutely for me huh personal relationships yeah does that affect how you interact with either the person you resent or any other person in your life okay we know what mom okay father eric my aunt's life has taken apart and i perfectly map it all with my actions with my answer i'm leaving that blank because i don't want to get too far into it but i tell you how i could say yes if i have resentment against my aunt it could very well affect myself my my sex relations with my partner if i'm not feeling too good about the situation if i'm not feeling too good about myself i may not If my partner wants to get intimate with me, I may not much want to feel like having sex. All right? But that hasn't happened yet. All right? So I'm going to leave that blank. What's that then? Right. Mother. Okay. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Father. Father. Okay. All right. Eric. And the last one. Pride. It's how I think other people view me. All right? My aunt, definitely. Your mother. Father. Okay. And Eric. All right. So with the exception of Steve's father in the pocketbook area, we'll wipe out. All right? All right. All seven areas of our lives are affected. We're in great danger here. All right? You know? All seven areas of our life are affected. We don't do something about this. We're going to die. You know? This is the tragedy of the ego. You know? These things in my head are telling me that I'm really affected like this. Remember, the book says these resentments, fancy the real have to be mastered or else we're going to die. going to drink and die okay now we're going to look and remember after we do the first three columns we got to pray for these people and we got to say that prayer on the top of page 67 why don't you go through your inventory all right you may not be able to do it right away but if you're for me it's important to have the willingness to do it oh absolutely because the prayers aren't for them the prayers are for me no sure yeah yeah absolutely okay all right let's look at the fourth column now we're going to read the directions for the fourth column it's on page 67 referring to our list again putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done we resolutely look for our own mistakes all right we're going to focus on these words where had we been selfish dishonest self-seeking or afraid all right those four things we're going to key on actually the book says frightened those situation had not been entirely our fault we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely all right try to put out of your head the the harms that they thought did to us let's look at what we did and what did we do to get the ball rolling where were we to blame the inventory was ours not the other man when we saw our faults we lifted them we placed them before us in black and white we admitted our wrongs honestly and we're willing to say that we're the ones who are going to make the right decisions so we're going to read the next chapter in this book all right we're going to talk about why today and when do you know that you did and how how do you do it this is actually an example of all of the feedback that came from neighboring classes i was told this learning for what we had to pay to do to try to a for zero how go so on ready here do this on the board, I'm just basically going to write down which area, what I did, keying on those four words. But when I write out inventory in the fourth column, I write out exactly where I had been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, or frightened. I write out the short sentence of actually what I did because the book says, what did I do? Where was I to blame? You know, what were my wrongs? Okay. So in my answer, where am I selfish in this? Where am I selfish in this deal? Well, what I found out is I'm selfish because I expect her to do what I want her to do. I think, see, this is what my mind tells me. This is what my ego tells me in the third column. Family should always be there, right? Isn't that selfish of me? Think I know what I want, and I don't. other people should do, right? So I'm definitely selfish in that one. And again, let's do this from top to bottom when we complete this in the next week. But for now, we're just going to do all areas of self, all right, due to time constraints. Now, where am I dishonest? I'll tell you exactly where I was dishonest. When I first found out she wasn't coming to the wedding, I thought this didn't affect me. See, this is that different, this isn't about cash register honesty. It's about me denying that it didn't affect me. Yeah, I lied to myself. In this case, it is, right? In some cases, I may have stolen from someone that I resented. You know, that would be the obvious type honesty. But I didn't think that by her not coming, I didn't think this affected me. And I denied it for a long time until I woke up one morning. And instead of thinking of God the first thing when I opened my eyes, I thought about resenting her. It was scary, all right? Self-seeking. I want what I want when I want it. I want her to do what I want her to do. I'm like, I'm going to do what I want her to do. I'm like, I'm going to do what I want her to do. I'm like, I'm going to do what I want her to do. I'm like, I'm going to do what I want her to do. I'm like, I'm going to do what I want her to do. I'm like, I'm going to do what I want her to do. I'm like, the actor in the third step. If people would only do as I want it, the show would come off great. The truth is, I don't know. I don't need her to be at my wedding to be okay. I don't need that. Where am I? Where am I frightened? I'm afraid she won't come. I'm really afraid that because of me going through with my plans, that the entire family won't ever that they'll abandon me. That's what I'm really afraid of. Okay, mother. Selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, or frightened? Selfish. Okay. Dishonest? I think that you said denial and that you said I was not a denial. Because, well, I put mother through both of her trials. Because that's, because we're going back to then. Right. That, but it's not a denial. It's a case of that being selfish. Right. Okay. And denial, um, doesn't apply to me. And, um, that's just, um, you know, that I'm loving that family and I'm enjoying it. Like, then I didn't love her and I was denying myself of my feelings. Right. See, that's what my ego tells me in the third column. That my mom should always be there for me. Yes. Right. Why? It didn't have to be. That's why I'm selfish. Okay. Self-seeking. Self-seeking is me taking, taking the, usually selfish is not doing something, excuse me, not doing something. All right. And self-seeking is the act of doing something to get what I want. I love doing a lot of things. Okay. Frightened? I love doing a lot of things. And I'm just going to circle the fears because we're going to take them, transfer them over into our fear inventory later because that's what the book tells us to do. Okay. Father. Father. Father. Father. Father. Father. Were you dishonest? Yes. Okay. Yes. Yes. Yes. Self-seeking. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Okay. Any fear there? Yes. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay with Eric. Selfish, dishonest, self-seeking or frightened? Self-seeking. Yes. Okay. We all see the exact name. See, when the book says the exact name, it is what it is. exact nature of our wrongs. This is the exact nature. You know, we can write out exactly what we did. That's the wrong. That's what we did. But see, the book wants us to get down the causes and conditions. The exact nature of our wrongs. Selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, or afraid. Okay. Any questions on the resentment and regret? Simple enough? Okay. I think that the old-timers in this program, the founders, never meant for this to be a long, arduous process. You know, as a matter of fact, in the way I'm bringing people through the fourth and fifth steps today is, if the guy or gal couldn't write, and a lot of drunks back then just couldn't read or write, the sponsor would do the writing for them. You know, kind of like what we did here today. The sponsor would ask a series of questions and would write down, because we're going to find out for our eighth and ninth steps, we're going to need this information written down when we prepare to make amends. Okay. All right. Let's look at our fears. Now, on the last paragraph of page 67, the book says, notice that the word fear is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. Notice that up on the board, fear is circled in our fourth column. Okay. For all four resentments. This short word, fear, somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. Get this now. It was the evil and corroding threat. The fabric of our existence was shot through with it. Fear set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But it asks us a question. It says, but did not we ourselves set the ball rolling? All right. That's something to really consider. On the top of page 68, the big book tells us that fear ought to be clasped with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble. All right. Something my sponsor taught me was that fear is a thief. It robs me from my relationship with God. All right. If I have fear, I don't have faith. How can I have faith in God if I have fear in areas of my life? All right. Here are the simple instructions for the fear inventory. First paragraph on page 68. It says, we reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. All right. Two columns fear inventory. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us had once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse. Let's look at our fear inventory. Here's a prompt sheet on page eight of our guidebook. Now, when you complete the fear inventory during the next week, take all the fears from the fourth column of your resentment inventory like we did here. See all the fears that we have circled? All right. Take all those fears and transfer them into the first column of the fear inventory on page 10. All right. Which is what we're going to be, again, make sure you're taking all the fears in the first column of this page, or if you don't have access to a copier, there are sheets on the back table there, of what the fear is. Okay? So, like with my aunt, the fear would be fear of not being accepted. All right. With Eric, what would your fear be there? Fear of not being loved. Yeah. Right. Fear of being alone. Hey, that was a biggie. That's a biggie for me. You know? I need people in my life. Right. We're going to get to that. That's the second column. Okay. Yeah. So you might have, like, serious questions here that might not be correct in your opinion. Absolutely. And the book tells us that. We listed our fears even though we had no resentment in connection with them. Okay. So what we do is transfer any fears that you have from your resentment inventory, put them in the first column. Then during the next week, when you're all done with your resentment inventory, go through this fear pop sheet and see if you have any of these fears listed. All right. And then sit with that and see if any additional ones come to mind. And you don't even really have to use this this pop sheet if you don't choose to. If you can clearly see them in your head, just write them down. But I found these pop sheets very useful. Because I found out that the person that I lie most to is myself. And that'll kill me today. All right. Any questions on the fear inventory? All right. First column is, I'm fearful of. The second column is, why do I have that fear? All right. Without doing one on the board, you know, again, it would look something like this. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being alone. Why do I have that fear? It hurts. Nobody will care for me. I could drink. I'll die. You know? Like that. Any questions on that? Okay. So the book tells us that we have to get rid of fear. So how do we get rid of these fears? We found out in the resentment inventory that the way we rid resentment is through prayer. How do you think we're going to get rid of fears? Bill? Prayer. Prayer. Okay. So it says on page 68, paragraph 3, sixth line, it says, we never apologize for God. Instead, we let him demonstrate through us what he can do. We ask him, we ask God to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. That's just a simple prayer. What I do with my fear inventory, I go down the list of fears. And I say, dear God, please remove my fear of heights and direct my attention towards what you would have me be. Dear God, please remove my fear of being abandoned and direct my attention towards what you would have me be. Okay? The results are in the next sentence. The results of that prayer are at once, we commence to outgrow fear. Notice the book doesn't say fear goes away and never comes back again. All right? It states that we outgrow our fear. We outgrow fear because through prayer, we're asking God to direct us towards his will. If I'm doing God's will, chances are I'm not going to have any fear. All right? What do we say in AA? Do the right things and the right things will happen. I'm doing God's will. I'm not going to have any fear. All right? I'm not doing Mikey's will. Chances are the right things are going to happen. I'm not going to have the fear. Okay. Any questions on that? Ready to do sex? Please. Find out. We'll read in just a minute that many of us have sex problems. For me, that's not one of them. Okay. Now about sex. The Big Book continues on the bottom of page 68. They suggest many of us needed an overhauling in this area of our lives. They say on page 69 that we all have sex problems and we'd hardly be human if we didn't. The question is, what can we do without them? Well, the Big Book tells us to review our own conduct over the past years. Therefore, we begin our third and final inventory. Okay? Let's turn to page 11 of our guide. What does it say about sex? It starts on page 68 and it goes all the way through to page 70. But see, they were smart when they took the doctor's opinion off of page 1 and put it in the Roman numerals because on page 69 it talks about sex. So for alcoholics, we can remember page 69. Okay. I'll speak to you after the meeting, though. Okay. Okay. We're on page 11 of the guide. What we're going to do is begin to list all the people that we've had relations with over the past year. Relations of sex. Huh? Usually relations of the opposite sex. Not necessarily the act of. All right? All right. And if you want to do it female, female, or if you're a guy, you want to do it male, male, you might be able to find some interesting truth in that, too. What I do with this is, and it says we went through our lives. All right? That's why we do it this way. I say a prayer and I say, Dear God, please reveal in me any names that need to go on this conduct inventory. You know? And I begin when I was a little child. When I was five years old, the little girl in the backyard underneath the picnic table, you know, doctor, play doctor, you know, didn't know any better, just a little kid. You know? Okay. So once we've listed all the names, let's look on page 11, then put a check mark in column two if you harm these people through your sex conduct. All right? So if you harm them through sex, you check that off. If you harm them in another way, excluding sex, check off the second box. And if you had relations with these people and you didn't harm them at all, it's a miracle. No. You just put that. You just check it off. All right? Because there may be some people that I had relations with that I didn't harm. It seems far in between, but okay. And any checks that we have in the first two columns, we're going to transfer over to the conduct list. And this is helpful for us later on because the book's going to tell us in the eighth step we already have a list of people that we harmed and whom we all amends. All right? We made it when we took inventory, and this is where we make it. Also, what we can do is if there's any people that we found we harmed in our resentment inventory, like in the fourth column, we can tell that, right? If there was something specific that we did to harm them, we transfer that over to the conduct inventory. See, the conduct inventory isn't just about sex. It's about our conduct. It's with emphasis on sex. Sure. Right there. That would come on there in page 11 in the guide. It would come on there, harmed in another way. Okay. Okay? And the reason we do it this way is because a lot of people see, at one time, the way I used to do the conduct inventory was only emphasis on sex. And people would say, well, what happens if I harm somebody? And it's not like I'm going to do it, and it had nothing to do with sex. So then we came out with a fourth sheet. It said, harms excluding sex. All right? But in reality, this is really the same thing. It's a conduct inventory with emphasis on sex. Yeah, you'll find that right in the inventory. It's a four-column inventory similar to resentment. Okay? All right. So in column one, we list people we've hurt. And again, let's look on 11 and 12. We're not going to write anything on pages 11 and 12, because you're going to use these to make your copies during the next week. Okay? Column two, list what you did to hurt the person in column one. All right? Also list where you were at fault, where you had been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate. In column three, list if you unjustifiably, which is an interesting word, aroused jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness. Okay? Bill asked that question before. By me doing such and such to so and so, did I make that person or any other person jealous, suspicious, or cause any bitterness? You know? It says we affect people all around our lives, not just the one person at fault. Not just the one person that we have listed. Other people can be affected too. Okay? So then in the fourth column, which is basically our solution column, and this is going to help us with our ideal for the future, it says what should we have done instead? Usually, what should we have done instead? Usually what I should have done instead is the opposite of what I did. Okay? I hurt somebody through sex. What should I have done instead? I shouldn't have done that. I robbed somebody. What should I have done instead? I shouldn't have done that. You know? I should have been a giver, then a taker. Juanita, did you have a question? Yes, it says, and that, I didn't know when I did my fourth step, and that's all my, my answer is that all that is dependent. And nothing's got to bow down to that. Is that, that, something's got to do with . Now, if you're... Right. See, if you want to get a, if you've taken inventory before and you want to get a deeper look into this, you could expand on that a little bit more. You know, me being six years sober, when I do the nightly review, and I come across that question before I go to sleep, it says, what could I have done instead? It's not always about, well, I could have did the opposite. It's about I could have been a little more kind, loving, tolerant patient. I could have done something different. So think about that. Kind of sit with that. All right. So please be sure to review the bottom of page 68 and pages 69 and 70 with your sponsor and complete this inventory as well as the resentment and the fear inventory during the next week. Let's point out a couple other things in the conduct inventory. There's a prayer on page 69, paragraph 2. It says we ask God to mold our ideals and help us live up to them. Last cool paragraph on page 69 reads, whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in doing so. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. Prayer. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answers will come if we want it. In the middle of page 70, there's more prayer. It says to sum up about sex. This is a prayer. We earnestly pray for the right ideas. This is ideal. For guidance in each questionable situation. For sanity and for the strength to do the right thing. So in each one of these instances on my conduct inventory, I say this prayer. Alright. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. And as my friend Bill says, It quiets the horniness when the yield would mean heartache. That's the imperious urge. The imperious urge. Use the spaces provided on page 14 of the guide to come up with a sex ideal that you believe is how God wants you to be. On page 14, there's a few lines. You can use this, but don't limit yourself. You can write as much as you want. See, this is where we get our ideal. We get it from the fourth column of the conduct inventory. What should we have done instead? And it says something like, the last one I wrote out was something like, Dear God, and it says, Please help me to see what you want for me regarding relationships with others and my sex life. And I say this prayer to God, and I trust what comes. And it's not about, Oh, I want Bo Derek. I want a bodacious woman, six feet tall, 120 pounds, a house with a white picket fence. It's not about that. It's about what I think God wants for me. And not only in the sex area of my life, but in all areas of my life. God, I'm sorry. I used to always pray, pray, pray, pray, and ask him, and ask God what I want. And something will happen in the next day, and then I'll say, this is smart, and I'm not sure, and I get confused, because I end up being around some people that will think that we're fighting the day before, or the night before, and the next morning, if something happens in my day, I'll say, okay, this is what I'm doing, and you're being double-dealing my age. And I don't understand. That's why I'm on all my judgment when I feel, because, and I think God put things in my heart for a reason, but I think my understanding for the reason is not what I want. I don't know, I can't touch my judgment in my thinking. And I don't know what God's real will is. And when I think, I think, I know, I end up getting myself in trouble. Bless you, you're in trouble. So the last four years I've been here, I'm telling you, I've been around some people, and there's so many people, and I didn't know this, but I didn't hear it, so I'm saying, I don't know. I don't know how to fix that. See, there's a couple things. I can only see what I can see. And how's that thing going, AA, that we say? More will be revealed. All right? God uses people and instances in my life to show me what his will is for me. And after a while, after we've established conscious contact with God, it's become my experience that there are times, see, where does God, where does God dwell? We found out last week, deep down within me, right? So after a while, I can begin to trust what comes from within. Now, in the Oxford groups, what they used to do in the 30s, they had a thing called, they would check their guidance. We don't talk too much about that in AA. As a matter of fact, the meeting I went to last night, we did talk about it, and it was kind of interesting. But they had something that they called, they would check their guidance. And in the morning quiet time, they would write down what their guidance was from God, similar to what you just verbalized. And then what they would do, they would grab ahold of their sharing partner. Today, we call them a sponsor or spiritual advisor. And they would say, listen, this is the guidance that I received from God today. How does that sound to you? If I received some guidance in morning, in meditation, or all throughout the day, I'd call up my friend Bill over here and say, Bill, you know a little bit about me. We've talked in the past, or maybe I've shared some inventory with Bill. So he knows about my life. You know, does this sound square to you? How's this sound? You know, and I'm going to believe what I want to believe anyway. But usually when we check it through someone else, it helps, especially someone that we're pretty close to. And that know our story, as we're going to find out in the fifth day. So, we're going to do the fifth step. Okay. Now, let's briefly cover some of the instructions for taking our fifth step, which we'll be sharing with our sponsor, spiritual advisor, during the next week. So first, there's a warning. And it says on the first page of chapter six, into action, which is page 72, says, if we skip this final step, we may not overcome drinking. That's the fifth step. And it's a guide for you. meditation.enIRE 2s http://putins1office.epc.com Listen all however, everyone at every clear meeting here will be a positiveadomo that in six minutes person will overcome drinking. A bitter wash will cause this to happening. Like you think that taking Your fifth step all right but they hung on to some of the worst items and stopped they only thought they had lost their egoism and fear they only thought that they had humbled themselves but they had not learned enough humility fearlessness and honesty in the sense we find it necessary until they hold someone else all their life story a couple important points the book points out to us in the fifth step says we must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long and happily in this world rightly and naturally we think well before we choose the person of persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step though we have no religious connection we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion you know some people choose to take the first step with a rabbi priest or minister if you choose to do that that's fine most people nowadays share inventory with their sponsors it and it says we searched out our acquaintance for closed-mouth understanding friends that's what we want to offer the person that we're going to share the cemetery with that's what we're looking for closed mouth meaning he's not going to blab our business okay we can trust them it's important that he'd be able to keep a confidence that he fully understand and improve what we're driving at that he will not try to change our plan when we decide who is to hear our story we waste no time so we've completed our inventory we decide who we're going to share it with when do we do it how much time do we wait no time we have a written inventory and we're prepared for a long talk we explain to our partner what we're about to do and why we have to do it he should realize that we're engaged upon a life-and-death errand both people approached in this way will be glad to help they'll be honored by our confidence as a sponsor or to support or audience are committed to helping our ideas now our life noi be to help they will be honoured by our confidence as a sponsor or to support our as a sponsor or someone receiving the fifth step, I like to tell that to the person who's giving this fifth step to me, that I'm honored by your confidence, and I'm really happy that you've asked me and trusted me to share this with me. And it says, We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. After the fifth step is complete, your sponsor should direct you to page 75 of the big book, which gives us directions for what to do when returning home. What we're going to do when the fifth step is complete and we go home, we're going to do a little review, and that's on the bottom of 75. It says, Returning home, we find a place where we can be quiet for one hour. We only get one hour between steps five and six. Ain't no work a step a year in the big book. It says, We rest for one hour. Carefully, reviewing what we have done. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. Taking this book down from our shelf, we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals, we ask if we have omitted anything, for we're building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. These are the questions we ask. Is our work solved so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement and put in the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar? Have we cut the wood? Have we made a fire? Have we made a fire? Are we able to make a fire without sand? You can use the space provided on pages 14 and 15 of the guide booklet to answer these review questions. If your sponsor does not take you through the six and seven steps after you've completed your fifth and answered the questions on the bottom of page 75, don't worry. We'll take the six and seven steps in class next week. Any questions on four or five? What I usually like to do after covering the material in the four steps is read the last two paragraphs on page 70 and 71. I'll leave that up to you guys after you complete your four steps. Read those last two paragraphs, beginning with, if we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we've written down a lot. Okay? And that'll set you up nicely. Okay? And that'll set you up nicely for the fifth step. And hopefully, people that are going through the steps via these beginner classes will have their fourth and fifth step completed for next week. And we'll be ready to rock and roll with step six, seven, eight, and nine. Any questions? Well, thank you all for letting me facilitate this week. And may God bless each and every one of you. And may God bless each and every one of you on your journey through the next week. Thanks.