That Doorknob Ain’t Going to Work — Find a Real Higher Power – Robert J.

I'm Tim. I'm an alcoholic. It's a great honor to be able to introduce my friend Robert J. My ex-wife, we were looking for somebody to officiate her funeral. They said, we want somebody spiritual, we want somebody from the program to do it. And so the most spiritual guy I knew in Athens was one of the biggest guys named Mike, Big Mike. Mike will be the great guy. He goes, no, no, no. There's a spiritual giant that I know, Robert. We made the arrangements and he came and it was really a beautiful service. I'll never forget it. And thank you, Robert, for coming and helping our family through that trying day. Here's Robert. Robert, alcoholic. Thank you for the opportunity, Tim. I don't know if I'm going to be able to speak as eloquently as the chairperson. I felt like she was one of those people, when you listen to an audio book, I was like, man, she's good at this. I was like, okay. Normally, whenever I tell my story, I like to go to a passage of the big book about Hall Synonymous. If y'all don't know what this is, this is the basic text. Everything from the program is outlined in this book right here. It's on page 45. That was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live more greater than ourselves. Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object, is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself, means we leave to be spiritual as well as moral. And it means, of course, that we are going to talk about God. Now, I start off with that because that is what changed my life. If you do what is outlined in this book, it will change your life. And this is how it's changed mine. And so apparently, they have my resume, like right here. I got to get a little reminder of it. Some people, my sobriety date, is November 1st, 2018. And I have a home group. I'm the GSR of Athens Young People's Group in Athens, Georgia. So to start that off, we're going to talk about what it was like. Growing up, I grew up without my mother in the picture. They split up when I was two years old, and she became like my mother figure. By the time I was seven years old, my dad had started to date another lady that he would go on anybody to treat me like that. It was crazy. I remember getting a few years older. I was like, I looked up to gangsters like Lucky Luciano and Al Capone, school gangsters. That's what I wanted to be like. I remember from a very young age, coming to terms with the rest of my life is going to end in prison because people like me, from where I'm from, what we do, that's what happens. Experimenting with drinking, obviously. We're like in the 2000s. I started experimenting with weed, all these other things. My grandmother dies when I'm 15 years old, I was a solid A student before that. There's no reason to continue life after this. I never passed another grade after that. I would go on to start going to jail. I went to jail, back and forth, in and out of jail. December 20th, 2013, when I held him in my arms that same year, there would have been attempted murder in 100 years in prison. As I'm locked up during that time, my mom ends up deciding she's going to send me. She sends me some scripture, and she sends me the story of Job. If y'all don't know the story of Job, Job ends up losing his children. They end up dying. I was like, why would she send me this? I was so mad. I was like, man. I was like, what is wrong with this woman? I was like, I'm going to look for something more inspirational in this book. Ended up in prison and everything, and then he gets out and he's second in command to Pharaoh. I was like, hopefully that'll happen. Obviously, man, I want to give him my life to God. I want to give him my life to God. I want to give him my life to God. And then before, when I was like eight years old, I was like, I want to give my life to God. But at that point in time, I was like, man, if you get me out of this situation, I will give my life to you. What was crazy before then, and I only got charged with like some report. My lawyer's like, all right, so you're going to tell them you got a drug problem, and you're going to go to RSAT. You can do six months. I was like, you just tell me. Went there, I ended up doing 11 and a half, getting out, and I start to somewhat change my life around. Probably, I wasn't out maybe 10 months, and I get locked back, and I ended up, and another girl had to consent. Didn't have no bond that time. Everybody that I was locked up in there was charged with murder. Ended up, they were on the front page of the paper. There was one guy who was at work, tried to kill a guy with a hammer, and they said that he was beating the guy for over five minutes before they showed up. Said it looked like he was splitting wood with a hammer. That was just another, that was just everything. That was the only single person that was in my dorm. You know, it was either me or them. There was no understanding. He had a bunch of crazy charges too, and he was talking on the phone. Come over here. So he ends up bringing, I go over there, and I get on the phone. The lady's like, what are you in there for? This and that, and she's like, I believe I can get you out, mister. I believe I can get you out, and I was like, okay. She's like, do you have somebody on the outside? And I was like, yeah, you can call my dad. So before it was like just 10 grand just to represent me. So this lady says, she talks to my dad, and she says, I got a money back guarantee that he'll be out within 90 days, and do you think you have that type of money? And he said, yes, ma'am. She said, well, when can you meet me? And he said, I can meet you this Thursday, and I think it was like a Tuesday or something. When did my dad come to see me that Saturday? That Saturday, when my dad come to see me, she was like, hey, ma'am, I think I want to meet you. She said, yeah, I don't know, but I think I know some kind of a lawyer, and some way to get you out, some sort of, whatever, and he ended up helping me out or whatever. And apparently, I don't know, it was like some sort of, not a lawyer, but like a legal representation of some sort or whatever, but my dad said, I wanted to talk to you before I made this deal with this woman. I was like, what's he talking about? He said, the lady said that she wanted some hair off your head, We don't want anything from her. Ended up, what was crazy was around that same time was the time that I was able to get released from that case, around the same time. I ended up getting released. My son's mom, I think around that time, she had relapsed, and she was a great mother all the time, in and out of jail and prison. He was a very good-minded kid that didn't really have anything to do with me. There was one day, I was kind of noticing signs when I come over there to pick him up, like everybody in the house would be asleep at like 3 in the afternoon or whatever. And then, you know, we know tweakers when we see them and stuff. It's like, something ain't good. And then my son, he seemed like he ain't been bathed. And then one day, but I'm just like, let me cut her some slack. I've been locked up this whole time. Who am I to say anything? One time I picked him up, and he has like welt marks across his back. I'm like... That's supposed to happen for the weekend. I'm like, I'm not going to take him home. Monday, I go to talk to people. I was there when he was born, signed the birth certificate. But they're like, you have no rights, Mr. Jones. They're like, you're not legitimized. Nothing. They're like, you can't do anything about this. You need to hire you a lawyer. And that's how you can deal with this. I have to say, that was not my intent to distribute. While I'm in there, man, it was crazy. And I believe that there was many other things that they never prosecuted me for. I plead with the judge to be able to go to DRC. During DRC, I definitely was. As soon as I get back to where I can, I'm going to get back there and get it. I'm going to go back to selling drugs. I'm going to go back to doing drugs. For some reason, through DRC, I met a girl that was in... And actually worked... It was actually... It was crazy, too. Because I probably had maybe six to eight years of that point of being mandated. To go to meetings on and off. I never actually met somebody who wanted to stay sober. And was actually doing it. Most of the people that I knew were just killing times. And they would do drugs and stuff on the side. They would drink on the side or whatever. So it was crazy for me to actually meet somebody. And I hear my first speaker meeting. Back together. Was all the material. There might be something to this. I was like, but I don't got a problem. Sitting there, I got some girlfriend. And I don't know what happened. But I was... I figured I was going to go grand. And when you hit the button. And you like pull them out of the car. Because I was going to drive the car that day. Like, I don't know who she was talking to. But it wasn't me. And so, grabbed her out of the car. Well, she apparently did not like that too much. So I get locked up. A half month that time. And while I'm in there. I'm waiting to like go to prison or whatever. My son's mom actually gets... She gets locked up. And the kids get taken into custody. My son and then her others. Because the case worker finds me. And she's like, I've been looking all over for you. Things go on. Go through that. And I'm in DRC at this point in time. And I'm actually like... I'm drinking. Due to still fast drug tests. But for some reason. I couldn't stay sober. I couldn't deal with myself. I couldn't deal with... Ended up. The next morning. And that they're going to take my... Nothing that I could do about it. And I'm talking about what to do. At the same time. I had somebody that was actually... We worked seven months. And they were like, Robert. You probably need to get sober. It's hurting. I'm like, I don't know what the hell. You know, because... Because drinking. Drugs. All that was the solution to my problems. It was actually interesting. I didn't know that I wanted to age 25. It says, if you are as serious alcoholic as we were. We believe there is no middle road. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible. Passed into the region from which there is no return. Through human aid. We have but two alternatives. One. One was to go on to the bitter end. Blotting out conscious situation as best we could. And the other. I did to do. I actually didn't know what I was volunteering for at the point in time. And the first. It became real to me that this was unacceptable. And it was crazy too. Because at first I was like, man. I was like, man, I must be cursed. He's like, man, you don't have to. You don't have to be a step in going to somebody. And I'm out there to change you. And ended up. I ended up full hesitation. Right. But I haven't seen him in over six and a half years. I haven't seen him. Haven't seen him talk to him or anything. I don't have any in-person meetings in Athens. There's a lot of meetings that you can go through all the time. My life started to get chaotic. There's a bunch of things that I did. Something just wasn't right. And somehow I don't went from Korea. I'm like a political expert. And I was definitely going to tell some people how I felt too. And I remember looking back on my grandfather who had died, there was a subconscious thought in my head. There was a subconscious thought in my head. There was a subconscious thought in my head that if I wanted my life to be better, that I needed to go to church. And at that point in time, from when I started things, jump off the page like they did. And he talks about how he absolutely surrendered his life. And it was with no reciprocity. I smoked. I ended up going to vaping. And then after this experience that I'm about to tell you all about. Before that, I was like, I'm not quitting. Before that, I was giving my life what to God was. And if you read through the third step, it actually talks about how you don't need to have. You don't need to have. Like any preconceived notions about it or whatever. Those are things that hold you back from. And that's actually what I believe I had for two and a half years in my sobriety. The one thing too was like, like not having sex till marriage. That was one of my preconceived notions. I was like, I am definitely going to try a car before I buy it. That is what is going to happen. But through, through working the program and having a sponsor who would tell me things that seemed counterproductive. And normally at first, I actually wouldn't listen to him. I'm like, I'm not going to do that. That is dumb. We're not praying about this situation. Like help anything. I would not do it and it would end up bad. And so eventually after banging my head against the wall, I do what he said. And it worked time and time again. So I built faith and I built some this who he is and he's a good God. Then why would he give me a wife who I'd be unsatisfied with his inaction word? It's like, man, if you believe that you're going to act upon it. That's what my sponsor told me. So I was like, and I'm reading through Bill's story and I'm like, I'm going to give my life to God with no reservations. And at this point in time, I'm going to a church, a hundred people every week. And they're like, you need to get baptized. I'm like, I don't even know what you do that for. I'm like, Jesus did it. I should probably do it. I don't know. I'm like, I'm going to, I'm going to do this. And I'm going to be like, Bill, I want to, I want to give my life to God with no reservations. And so the guy baptized inside this baptismal pool and he's praying. I think that. We really get to tell you that there is anything that they are going through. And he was at that point in time, obviously I had notions of what I thought my life was like, giving it to God, talking about, I used to listen to gangster rap because I want to be big gangster. So ends up inside of me that I got to quit. Ends up. I used to throw my trash and I'm like, man, I remember what it was like being in that cell and then being like, Hey, y'all want to come clean up today? I'm like, I'm helping my brothers out in the Jane gang. You know what I'm saying? I'm helping them. Now let me throw some trash out. Next thing I know, I get this feeling on the inside of me that I can't do that no more. So it ends up, I go to make amends. And before I made amends, because you do the steps, because that's what you do to recover. Before I did them like begrudgingly, I done to them and I wanted to bring them justice for the things that I did. I'm talking about an absolute, read another passage in the big book. It is on 25. One of those none of us like the self searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings, which the process required consummation, but we saw that it really worked in others and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it when therefore we were approached by those whom the problem had been solved. There was nothing left for us to do, but to pick up the simple kid of spiritual tools laid at our feet. We had found much of heaven and we had been rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. And this is the part that's crazy. I do big book studies with guys and other groups. All that's crazy was we had literally went through the passage above this and the one below it. And I swear, like, I'm like, I don't know, back in time. And they put this in the book. It was not here before. Because, you know, when you're doing a study, you like read through. I'm like, y'all ain't going to make me look dumb. I got. I read this in context, right? It says the great fact is just this and nothing less, that we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, God's universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things. And he has done so much for us, which we could never do by ourselves. And it ended up, y'all heard that I was a multiple time convicted felon. I ended up after those experiences, I radically changed my life. I stopped listening to the same music. I ended up, I quit vaping everything, quit watching TV, all that stuff. Next thing I know, my friends are like, this is the process of salvation. And they're like, you get saved, you get baptized. You do this stuff. And then they're like, and you go on mission trips. And I'm like, I don't think that's for me. I'm like, I don't think that's for me. I'm like, I don't think that's for me. And I'm like, I don't think that's for me. I'm like, I don't think that's for me. I'm like, we got plenty of people dying all around here. I don't need to go overseas. There's plenty of work to do right here in Athens, Georgia. And they're like, well, how do you know unless you try it? I'm like, I'm a convicted felon. I can't even get a passport. I have five for my passport. Ends up, next thing I know, I'm like, I'm going to go with my, or I'm going to go with this other church I know for a two-week trip. For some reason, they're not open up to go. Ends up, an opportunity comes up to go with a lady named Heidi Banks. Heidi Baker. And ends up, if y'all don't know who she is, if I was going to study, the number one person would be Bill Wilson. Heidi Baker would be the number one person to learn from. And they had an opportunity to go with her to go to Israel, South Africa, and Mozambique. I fly over there seven days before the war breaks out. We escape into Jordan. There we go to South Africa. Ends up, I have seen situations and circumstances where me sitting in the cell here in the United States, looked like a good circumstance. You know, I go on to Mozambique. This lady, from her simple yes to her feeding hundreds of thousands of children in that nation every single day and being involved in that. While I'm sitting there playing with one of the kids at the base, I went to four different bases in four different nations over there. And one of the bases had 1,200 kids in that specific base. One of the kids was about my son's age. And I'm with one of the other girls who's a missionary. We're drawing with him. And he predominantly speaks Portuguese. And so the translation is breaking up. He's like, maybe y'all can talk to the lady who's over me and you can get the paper. And he's like, that we could play with or something. That's what we're thinking that he's saying or whatever. But we don't know what he's saying. So we call the lady over to interpret what he's saying. No, that's not what he's saying. He's saying, can you sign the paper so that way you and her can adopt this kid? I'm telling you what, a sponsored guy that I never thought would get sober. Probably the ones that stayed to answer him at first. And ended up, they stayed sober. You know, now I have a sponsee that has over six years. His daughter, I haven't been able to see my son in over six and a half years. But I believe in the promises of God that's been on my life. I believe that I'm going to see my son. But the thing is, through AA and through my sobriety, that he's going to have a dad that he can come home to. That I'm not going to be that same person that I was when he left. And that's what I live for today. Man, I live because God has given me such a great life that I didn't deserve. I think about all the things that I did and everything. But it was by grace and mercy. It was by grace and mercy that I'm standing here today. Man, I think about it. I should be in prison for the rest of my life. Absolutely, no doubt. I should definitely be dead. There are plenty of people that should have killed me. Man, I thought about it. It's like if God were to never do another thing for me. To actually come up, to go to the underground church. Man, when I was out here, I was like, man, you're not going to stop me from going anywhere. I'll go to the darkest places. I'll go wherever you want me to go. And now that's what I do. I live my life. I live my life to be a message because he has saved my life. And it all started through this program that is outlined in this book. Recovered in here. Man, it talks about that actually going away from you. I haven't had a desire to do any drugs or drink in over five and a half years. By far. None of those things. Those things have been everything that you work on your fourth and fifth step. Man, those things can be taken away from you. Everything that you do in the steps can be taken away from you. It talks about a power greater than yourself. I hear this one guy. He's like in a rock and roll band. He's like, man, you need to find a real power. That doorknob ain't going to work for you. And that's the same thing that I believe. I believe that there is a real power. That there's a living God that works. And he does miracles still today. It's for all of you that want it. You know. But it's not for the people that really want it. It's for the people that actually do. He spoke of a guy named Gus. And I actually worked for him for a period of time. And everybody that Gus hired would actually be in the program. They wouldn't hire anybody that wasn't trying to get sober. This morning, we actually wake up to hearing one of those guys actually overdose and die. You know, this thing is very real. People are definitely out here dying. Because of it. But the thing is, I'm here to tell you that you can live. And that you can live a life abundantly beyond your imagination. Beyond your wildest dreams. And it just keeps getting better. There is no depth or no end to the things that you can find in this program. Thank you for your story.